Exactly! So tired of people telling me how cruel kids can be, instead of taking accountability for their actions and for how they raise their kids to behave 😠
Or being the result of "Well I guess I need to get married and have kids, isn't that what all normal people do?" My father wanted sons and only got daughters. My mother wanted living dolls that would enjoy all the pretty feminine things that she had in vain wished for as a poor kid. They both wanted kids who would be as "normal" and "successful" as possible. I was an autistic and dyslexic tomboy with ADHD, and that went about as badly as you can imagine. I am relieved that my father is dead and my mother has lost most of her mind to Alzheimer's. Neither of them can abuse me anymore.
A peer was reciting one of those “I bet you hadn’t thought this before and now you’re questioning everything you hold to be true” type of things. They said “just think about it. You might have been an accident!” I had the knowledge and confidence to know how meticulously planned I was ❤
I was an oops that my parents decided to deal with bu having a shotgun wedding. Add to that the deep religious belief they taught us that sex before marriage is sinful, and I really struggled with thinking even God didn't want me to be alive
@@perpetuallyconfused6608 My mother had a miscarriage couple years before I was born. Fertility journey for my parents was rough and a long time ago. Soo i'm very much not an accident. But they are far from great parents.
My parents were not same sex yet I was bullied, and they were terrible parents. Countless people with heterosexual parents are not okay, but let's ignore that elephant in the room.
Ah yes, absolutely NO ONE ever talks about abused kids from hetero homes. Never seen a book, a movie, an episode of a TV or streaming show... Discussing the issues of a group of people you don't belong to doesn't take away from your trauma. It just means you're not the center of attention at the moment
Straight people ruined marriage & parenthood long LONG before any queer people were visible and safe enough to not be immediately harmed for asking for more rights!
@@andirach Actually that was the *only* conversation we were having (cuz the automatic assumption was parents = straight or heteronormative), until this type of awareness spread! But let's all ignore *that* elephant in the room ; ) Spreading awareness for other groups does not detract from the awareness already spread, nor does it detract from the central message of don't f'up your kids! Funny how it only comes up when Divisive Delia's are trying to divide people! You have the day you deserve : )
Where are the studies looking into the mental health and intellectual development of children raised by homophobic, conservative cis-gendered heterosexual parents?
There are a plenty of them. They are just titled something like "mental health issues that LGBTQ youth face". Here are some interesting examples if you're curious: 1). "Mental Health of Transgender and Gender Diverse Youth Natalie M Wittlin et al. Annu Rev Clin Psychol. 2023. " 2). "Homelessness, Mental Health and Suicidality Among LGBTQ Youth Accessing Crisis Services Harmony Rhoades et al. Child Psychiatry Hum Dev. 2018 Aug." 3). "Rapid Onset Gender Dysphoria: Parent Reports on 1655 Possible Cases Suzanna Diaz et al. Arch Sex Behav. 2023 Apr." - the study itself is bad and was retracted, but it's an interesting insight into what transphobic parents say when they are validated. 4). " Family trouble: Heteronormativity, emotion work and queer youth mental health Elizabeth McDermott et al. Health (London). 2021 Mar."
The silliest part of this argument, to me, is the idea that non-nuclear families don't already exist-especially in non-Western cultures. A child having "two moms" and/or "two dads" doesn't raise any eyebrows if one of each is a step-parent. Put the moms or the dads in a relationship with each other, though, and everyone loses their minds.
Exactly. People get screwed up over the same sex/gender of the parents, instead of seeing the parents as loving people who have chosen to be the best parents they can be to the child in their care.
And when the argument then becomes "well, but they still have a parent of the binary sex/gender too", I will kindly point to all the single-parent households
True. But the ultra conservatives are also opposed to the concept of step parents. A few years ago in germany a doctor was fired fom a catholic hospital because he had a divorce.
I love the "Where's your Adult". Perfect. Mums, Dads, Aunties, Uncles, Grannies, Grandads, Step-parents, Foster-parents, Child-Minders. There can be such a range.
Canadian paperwork uses parents and guardians a lot. Not even to be inclusive of queer people specifically but because kids can get raised by other relatives, have blended families, god parents, etc.
Yeah, we can be accidentally inclusive. Although we are very inclusive of queer families. As the non-birth parent, we do not have to adopt our children like some in the US do. When our baby is born, we just put birth parent and non-birth parent names on the birth cert just like anyone else might. I'm grateful for that.
Where I'm from there's also always written parent/legal guardian. But sadly we don't have gay marries yet. We have something similar, but it's not a marriage per se. I really hope it'll change...
My brother is a disable single parent to 4 kids. Their bio Mother values drugs & getting high over being a quality parent. My mother & I took on custodial guardianship of the kids. I am an open single gay male. The kids have grown up in a loving non traditional environment. I attended high basketball & baseball games, dance recitals & 2 high school graduations. I am known as Guncle Robb as am recognized as their parent. 3 adults of 3 different generations have raised 2 of our children to adulthood with the last two heading into high school. Conservatives would have had the kids taken away & raised in foster care instead of by 3 loving adults one who happens to be gay. The kids are loved, cared for & well adjusted. A non-nuclear family is just as valid as any family with heteronormative parents. All kids want is to be loved & cared for regardless of the sex or who their parents are.
"Things were so much easier back in the days when there was just mom and dad!" Oh, you mean back when Dad had multiple mistresses and mom was drugging or drinking herself to death? Yeah...
My kids (2 boys) are growing up in a family with a mom, grandmother, and great grandmother. I hear all the time how they need a father figure. Normally there is an insinuation that boys need a man to show them how to 'man'. I would much rather they learn how to be a good human.
I think the best men can understand what women have to deal with. Even if those men grow up to be as gay as possible, having empathy for someone with a uterus is still a huge advantage to being a kind and community minded human being
I always find it fascinating that the "a child needs a mummy *and* a daddy"-brigade (who also often disparage single parents...) never seem to apply those arguments to, say, war widows... 🤔🙄
It’s been pointed out in response to “a child needs a father in their life!” arguments that fathers have historically been off working or straight-up dead, and the kids were fine because the de facto single/actually widowed mother was financially supported. I married, had a baby, divorced, remarried, had another baby, and am now widowed. I can tell you I have gotten a TON more financial support being widowed than I did being divorced, though the problem of raising a kid being expensive is the same! 😒
My wife & I fall into the "made a child on purpose, but easier than many same-sex parents' because she's trans. Which makes the whole "whose kid is that" convo SUPER FUN. "Ours." But which of you does she look like? "Both of us." But what are her genetics? "Both of ours." The only one that gets where they think it is going is "Who carried her?"... which... I did. But that's because my wife couldn't. And it doesn't make our daughter any less hers. AND IT IS EXHUASTING. Only 1 mother's day card coming home. And Father's Day cards for no one. Ugh.
Haha we have the same. I came out as transman after having kids, which means my kids now have 2 dads and we're also both biologically related to them 😂
Although, the mother/fathersday is different here. They keep bringing a mothersday gift from school cuz the school still groups me as part of mother (just replaced mum with my name).
so relatable! luckily my family is extraordinarily accepting but in public someone always has to ask which one of us is mom, because where i live, lesbian couples are less common so the assumption seems to be that we are just friends and that the baby only belongs to one of us.
In Greece right now this debate is really prevalent after the legalization of same-sex marriage early this year. We had a conversation about queer rights in class with our essay teacher and it was a long debate. She was saying how she supports the right to gay marriage but is against adoption from same-sex couples because "the stigma from society would be too much for them" and "the children didn't ask to be raised in a homosexual household in a country where homophobia is really prevalent". I wish this video existed earlier so that I would have the correct vocabulary and knowledge of research papers to win the debate instead of having to abide by a middle line.
So many people don't know that disabled people lose benefits and healthcare coverage if we get married. In the US, I can only marry another disabled person who has the same benefits that I do in the same government programs. That defeats the practical purpose of marriage in the first place.
I didn't know. And I lost my benefits by casualty mentioning I was in a defacto relationship. In Australia, if you've lived with someone for a year and "act like a couple" (split expenses, present as a couple, etc) then it's the same thing as marriage
In the UK we often can't even live with our partners. They often have to either take on the cost of supporting the disabled partner, or give up their jobs entirely. This setup of tying the disabled person's income to their partners often leads to financial abuse.
jwb52z9 Come again? My husband works and yes his income impacts my social security supplemental income. But there is no policy in the United States that says that I can't get married.
@@shawnahaddan3674 Yes, you can, if you can live with losing your benefits, which happens to a lot of disabled Americans, unless you marry someone else disabled and with the same programs you use for help. I'd instantly lose all my eligibility for everything I need if I marry anyone financially worth marrying.
People who never have to question their beliefs are like that. Also, people who are shamed for ever breaking their expected gender role... and also people who are deeply miserable for other reasons and want everyone else to be JUST as miserable
Trans man married to the same man I was married to when I came out as trans. We have a child together. Our child has been described by the school as very happy without a malicious bone in her body. I’ve had people freak out about the fact that I’m raising my child and let her have choice in her gender and how she expresses herself. This is despite my daughter is AFAB and has stated she’s a girl and is the girliest girl to ever girl through girlhood. But I let her look at “boys” stuff to make her choice.
All my niblings are cis, they're just all different genders to each other (I mean, just boys and girls AFAIK but still) so if I'm talking about the full gaggle I've always called them my niblings, and so generally as individuals I call them a nibling but I do sometimes slip into niece/nephew, especially if I'm "describing my family" and therefore saying things like "my sister has my two nieces" or whatever. But generally I'll be with my two nieces and say "who wants to be my favourite nibling and get me X" even though they're both AFAB.
I was essentially raised by a single mother with 3 other siblings, just having 2 parents whether or not same-sex sounds great. Most importantly you just need positive adult figures in your life. I have a bachelor degree, can fix a car and cook just fine...
Just FYI for some reason the sound was very echo-ey in this video, perhaps something has changed in your setup because it's usually much better... I realize you may not be able to notice
@@felixbelanger2659noticed that too & I think she might have changed her audio setup a bit coz there's definitely two different recorders with different settings now. I remember those closeups used to seem like they were digitally zoomed in post but these seem different. I also think that she may have been a bit tired or something because she's got a bit of a lisp here so that's another reason why it might seem different from some of her other videos. Or the maybe-new mics are so much more sensitive that I'm hearing more subtle mouth sounds that I've never heard before.
@@salemsaberhagan what really stuck out to me is the echo! It could be something as simple a closed door or window, furniture moved around or something like that. A different mic could also explain it.
Hey Jessica. I can't provide the citation for this one, I will keep looking, I recall a long running study into adulthood (18-20 years) of the life outcomes of children adopted by same-sex couples. The outcomes of the study, whose title suggested to me it started from a thesis that those children might have been "disadvantaged", found very much the opposite. Children adopted into same sex couples fared better (the percentage was about 20+%) in their path to adulthood than those adopted by different sex couples. It cited all of the indicators you describe in terms of resilience, lack of mental health issues and better: social adjustment, happiness, and academic performance etc.. This study was compelling enough that many social services agencies in North America began favouring same sex couples as adoptive parents. And by favouring (not a typo, I am a Canadian), I mean that the scoring methods used to rate the suitability of couples as adoptive parents resulted in higher scores. Not to disparage the wonderful different sex parents in the world, but it does bring into question the stereotype of "normal" families. This is not a surprise to me, as it is only logical that those persons who find themselves challenged by the stereotype may work harder to become parents and be invested than "average" in their role, and in their children's well-being and quality-of-life. Footnote: My 4 siblings and I were raised by different-sex parents and, while we siblings love other very much, every single one of us has mental health issues (some significant) stemming from our childhood. Love this channel, and love to your wonderful family.
I think one person's comment really hits the crux of it for couples who cannot conceive without interventions or at all: making a conscious choice to be parents makes it a very intentional act. I think for many of us, even in Canada (like me) where there has maybe been more acceptance of the Queer communities, we still have experiences or memories of people being cruel, hurtful, or hateful to us simply because of our identities. This makes one want to teach their children to be loving and accepting. Also, we have diverse friend groups or maybe more involved with diversity and inclusion efforts. It does not mean that different sex parents cannot have diversity in their lives, but it just seems so inherent when one is 2SLGBTQI+. (nonsequitur: I appreciated your qualifying your spelling was correct, although Jessica would spell it the same way, so it must have been for the commenters LOL). Cheers, fellow Canuck.
I'm a child of straight parents and I call both my parents by their full names and adress them with formal pronouns (in my language, plural "you" is a respectful form).
Doesn’t that make you feel… separated, distant? From your parents? I grew up German and for the longest time I didn’t understand why people saw polite speach as better to informal speach. To me polite is distancing and informal is honest.
So long as said child is loved, supported and taken cared of, I would imagine the parents sexual orientations matter not. The long term outcome should be just the same across the board, or so I would think?
Apparently same sex parents are actually better, so it does matter, but in the opposite way the critics think it does. So the next question we should be asking is how can different sex parents learn lessons from same sex parents on how to be better.
…by becoming less sexist… by deconstructing gender and by deeply understanding that it’s a social construct. That sex specific stuff makes up, like, 5% of the human experience. All other differences are sociocultural not biological differences based on tendencies like size distribution or hormonal predisposition.
This was really nice. Having two moms, most of those studies seem to check out in my case. I have felt a lot freer to explore who I am, I felt comfortable coming out to them as aromantic/asexual because I knew that even if they didn’t understand, they would accept me for who I am. There was none of that “the man of the house does x and the woman of the house does y” nonsense. The worst thing about having two moms for me is that I’ve got a hyphenated last name and online platforms for school are always doing bizarre stuff like just using one name, scrunching into one word, etc.
It used to be relatively common for unmarried or widowed women to take foster kids, especially if a relative had more than they could afford to support. And some of them these women had "a friend" who they lived with. Nobody batted an eye, as it was believed to be friendship an co-living only and not sexual.
lots of teachers forget that super young kids have probably been calling their parents these "unconventional" names for their whole life, so ofc it just comes naturally to them lmao it's all they know but this is also coming from someone who had a stay at home dad while my mom went to work in the early 2000s, so we've never really been one for following whatever's "normal" lol
Oh wow. I did not realise how much I needed the sweetly spoken 'just asking questions... I have LOTS of gay friends so I can't be homophobic' type homophobia to be called out until I saw this. The 'teacher' character really hit all the feels - in a 'wow, I know this person' kind of way. Thanks Jessica
I'm almost 30, my parents are same-sex (trans and cis woman). I can only speak for myself but them being women didn't have any significant negative impact on me, expect when people asked me invasive questions about my parents private life 😅
Nice ✨ Is there a difference between parental and parent to you? (In my language, a gender neutral term for one parent is so uncommon it seems grammatically false. ‚parents‘ is basically a plural word, like pants in english. So I thought it‘s neat that there is a singular gender neutral word like parent in english. Adult is common in singular, but singular forms are usually gendered in my language.)
@@Alina_Schmidti’m not sure about how proper it is in terms of the english language, but I think of parent as a person who is primarily raising them, and a parental as someone who is filling that parent role for them in that moment. So it could be a parent but could be an aunt, uncle, cousin, trusted friend, etc. also!
I like gardian as a word. Keep in mind, I’m not a native. To me guardian sounds like Guardian Angel and guard/protector. In German it Erziehungsberechtigter aka “(the one who’s) entitled to raise” guardian is such a beautiful word!
My (adult, lgbt+) daughter's main argument is always that conscious choice would make parenting intentional. As a teacher, I LOVE the inclusiveness of "your adult/grown-up" because it includes everyone, doesn't assume gender of the adult(s) and therefore makes children feel comfortable, included and represented!
💁🏻 foster parent here who loves when folk don't assume I am mum. The opposite can be so tricky. Very happy to be referred to as someone's adult; thankyou Rupert 😊
One of my best friends has 2 moms, and another friend has 4 moms (2 moms at first, they divorced and both gained new partners). They both have the best responses to "your mom" jokes
One of my core memories is from middle school; another student had asked how my moms could have a kid if there wasn't a man present (with the presumption that cishet sex was the only way a person could get pregnant). I didn't catch on to the fact that my peer was trying to shame me (thanks autism!), so I proceeded to explain to him, and the entire class, the basics of IVF and my moms' experience in their GIFT program. Even the teacher was quiet, listening to my little speech. It is one of my happiest memories and always will be! Even before my middle school days, having two moms was less of an issue than the fact that my bio mom is white and my other mom is black (I am biracial, but ultimately brown). Another core memory took place on the rfamily cruiselines in the mid 2000s; Rosie O'Donnell's (tho they are moreso Kelly's) children were speaking to the kids there about our shared experiences as children of nontraditional families. One of the eldest kids asked, "how many of you are gay?" and nearly everyone's hand went up (we were like 3-5 years old, don't judge). Then they asked, "how many of you are gay because your parents are gay?" And my hand went straight to my lap, quite emphatically. I already knew that girlhood wasn't for me, and that boys are better for friendship than romance. Thinking back on this memory, I always feel so much joy knowing that I was confident in my own identity, far before I had the words/terms to describe it all. As a biracial, genderqueer child of two moms, I can confirm that my life -- while not devoid of stress and difficulty (thanks autism!) -- growing up the way I did, in the environemnt I did, saved me a lot of time and energy when it came to finding myself. If given a choice, I wouldn't have it any other way!
This was such a great video. You’re so right, it’s incredibly frustrating to have to walk around with a stack of research papers just to defend yourself as a parent. The number of times that I, an asexual non-binary single parent by choice, have had to defend that I deliberately had a child by myself with statistics about how children of single parents where the trauma of divorce and/or poverty is not present do the same or better than those with two parents… it’s exhausting.
Some children of heteronormative couples are not wanted at conception, which doesn't mean they are not wanted later. However, some parents are just "lucking" into having children, solely going through with pregnancy and childrearing because everybody does that and it is their right to have children. It would be fascinating, to see the statistics, when on the other side are children, who where conceived through IUI, or IVF, for different sex couples. Hopefully I didn't butcher that, english isn't my native language.
Exactly that! Someone who loves you, cares for you, provides for your every need and keeps you safe, and IF in a relationship, loves and cares for the other person as well, no matter who they are ❤
BRO I REALLY THOUGHT I WAS CLEVER WITH THE “MAPA” TITLE IDEA BUT I WAS BEAT TO THE PUNCH 😭 Okay I’m back bc I just realized smth: By people being taught that only men & women can be in sexual or romantic relationships just bc that’s always been what’s depicted in media or in real life, we just never seemed to understand sexual orientation or romantic orientation, nor the variety of them, hence people being ignorant to orientations
Hot take: same sex couples have more potential for being good parents because they have to go through hoops to have a child, so they are sure they REALLY want it. Says I, person raised by single mother.
According to some books, it was a kind of fashion in late 70's to call parents (not even stepparents) by their names. My nephew in 90's called "Mom *Name*" and "Dad *Name*". It seemed to me more uncomfortable when my parents stopped calling each other by name completely.
I was so impressed with the look of your "college genius" (with the glasses), but then she started to talk, and my impression rapidly sank into (delete "dislike") despair. Another character well played. Please bear with my own awkward idiotic comments.
Why be so unkind to yourself? Your comment was not awkward or idiotic! If you're joking, I'm sorry if I misunderstood, but thought it was worth saying!
I feel like gender/family group make-up is less important for the child's welfare than them being safe and loved and supported; children with multiple adults looking after them (and themselves/each other) will provide children with emotional security and a range of views/approaches/interests so they grow to be secure and well-rounded.
But the studies actually show same sex parents are better for the child's welfare. So it does make a difference. And yes having multiple adults to care for kids is better and has been the way most families and communities have functioned for millions of years. The nuclear family is a recent invention mostly to give a man unsupervised control over a woman and children.
i'll never get over how absurd this argument is. It's the same as "singles mothers can't do a good enough job" "Getting divorced is bad for your kids" when all of the problems generally come from external factors like oh a single mum can't spend as much time with her kids because she needs to work more hours (due to wage inequality or an overall cost of living issue, not to mention nobody ever questions when both parents work hard and long hours? or kids that have a FIFO parent?) and how, actually, kids who have parents that divorce amicably and effectively resolve the conflict have little to no issues with their kids that stem from the divorce and often the kids benefit from seeing how to healthily navigate that situation. like was mentioned, "but aren't you worried your child will be bullied" so teach your child to not be a bully. similar to "girls shouldn't wear that" teach your boys to respect people's bodies and boundaries. All these arguments when challenging heterosexual social norms almost always boil down to some form of sexism and i think that says a lot honestly.
I am very happy ypu made this. While I have hetro parents. I am a single mo by choice. Information went out while my children were small shamming single parents that is was bad and the parent was bad. It always bothered me. What should I do have an abusive dad in my children's life!? No Absolutely not.
I still havent seen the video but I think kids are winners if their parents loves them unconditionally. I grew up in a heterofamily and I was unhappy for the lack of affection and respect
So pleasing to learn these stats Jessica, having children wasn't an option when we got together in the early eighties. It's lovely to know that, as we'd expect, children of gay parents thrive and do well, not only that but its being documented so we can use it on those people like your wonderfully ghastly bespectacled Jessica character! I'm sure others will mention that the sound on your forward facing camera went a bit echoey, I'm just playing it through again to get a time stamp. I thought there was a specific spot where it got worse...yes there it is at 09.34 sounds like a battery gave up and the sound was picked up by another device. Didnt affect my enjoyment and fascination of your video but being aware that you cannot hear the nuances i thought I'd mention it. I love the format of your latest videos, you're a really good actor.👍🤗🥰
THANK YOU for talking about adoption-related trauma as part of your research! I did not expect it in this video, so it was really validating to me, as an adopted adult raising a biological child, to have someone outside the adoption community bring it up. ❤❤❤
A child needs a loving, understanding and supportive environment to grow up in. It doesn’t matter who that is who forms that environment. The kids that have that are who have what they need. As an educator, I’ve seen a wide variety of families. The kids that struggle most are the ones who are in the mess of meanness due to unhealthy adult relationships, or whose adults are struggling with addiction or mental health issues. I’ve seen happy healthy kids with single parents, divorced but cordial parents, grandparents or aunts/uncles, and same sex parents. It’s about the priorities and care they receive from the adults in their lives. That’s what makes the difference
I feel like so many people don't actually care about children, even when it comes to this topic. Like logically it is most important for children to be loved and cared for and raised to be competent and compassionate adults. Not for them to internalise gender roles or whatever. It's up to people to prove that for whatever reason same gender parents cannot provide that, not automatically assume they are hurting their children because it's two men or two women or two (or more) queer people. So many of these people will say they care about the kids and that same gender parents cannot provide them with a healthy upbringing and then ignore domestic violence or abuse that is being done by opposite gender parents as long as it fits into ideals of a child being raised in an adequately cisheternormative way. It's fine for a father to emotionally abuse his son into being more masculine as long as he has a male role model to 'teach' him how to be a man but god forbid a boy is raised by two moms who love and care about and accept him regardless of how he expresses himself! Obviously i'm not saying all opposite gender parents are abusive. I _am_ saying that cis-heterosexuality is assumed to be morally virtuous to the point where as long as it is being upheld, abuse and neglect and dysfunction is overlooked, and if it is _not_ upheld there is outcry, even if abuse or neglect or dysfunction is not present. There are so many people I know who are fine with opposite gender parents abusing or mistreating or even just being unkind to their kids for the sake of 'moral instruction' (a.k.a ensuring conformity) who would yell until they're blue in the face that all same gender parents are bad because 'think of the children'. Very few of these people _actually_ care about children! They care about children having gender roles enforced and maintaining cisheternormativity.
I wish I could half as well-spoken as Jessica. She puts in a lot of effort that most of us can not be bothered to do in-order to present this information in such a clear and concise way. What a gem of a person honestly and when she stops to sigh in disappointment on something I FEEL that lol
Your videos are always so bittersweet. A lot of cute stories and relieving studies, but the prejudices still sting so much. Also, asking: "Is this your adult?", is kinda metal!🥰
this video made me remember making a report on this topic back in 2019, when there were fewer papers and such, and yet in my country it is now illegal to talk about lgbtqia at all, so i'm still glad i'd managed to cover same-sex parents topic before it became too dangerous lol
You are so amazing at explaining this. I'm going to show this to my mom who just can't get her brain around this. She has 3 great grandchildren who are in same sex relationships and she is baffled.
I am a 74 year old American woman who was pregnant only once in my life in my early forties and who suffered a miscarriage. At that time I was in relationship with a German woman and we lived in Northern Germany. It was not so easy for me to become pregnant, but I used the “traditional” method of intercourse with a man. He already had nine children and was divorced. Currently I have been married to a Swedish man for 26 years and we live in Sweden. DISCLAIMER! DO NOT READ this entry unless you are willing to fall into the bottomless gulf which opened deeper and deeper the more I thought about Jessica’s video. It is both long-winded and rambling. I seriously considered erasing the whole thing. The significant point of the long ramble which follows is that ALL relationships are complex (duh!). I personally believe that there is some element in each person’s inner being (the soul, biological, psychological or a combination?!), which is the ultimate determination of how they embrace their life and which is reflected by their unique perceptions of self and the actions that self chooses to take within their environment, which naturally includes the adults in their lives. Specifically. My sister and I were born 13 months apart nearly to the day. I first on the 20th of August, 1949 and she second on September 18, 1950. My sister died in a motorcycle accident in 2006. Both of us embodied large stubborn streaks. But whereas my stubbornness insists that I claim my perceptions of who I am, how I am as positive, loving and strong no matter how circumstances or other people may seem to deny it, my sister’s stubbornness insisted that she was never enough. Mind you, we grew up in the same environment and experienced the same overreaching life experiences until we were eighteen and we were always very close until then. After which we married and she moved to Wyoming with her husband and began a family and I married and stayed in Southern California for many years. Throughout the rest of her life her self-esteem became more and more poisonous. She became profoundly depressed and self destructive. Despite every effort made to support her, to encourage her to seek help, she remained in a darker and darker place. Now she is dead and I miss her. At the other extreme, even after many severe and harsh life challenges (including malignant cancer) I remain positive. I KNOW that I am well loved and I am happy. You are welcome to stop reading now. In fact, I encourage it. Rather than erasing the rest of what I wrote, I just want to keep it for my own sake. ☺️ As the eldest of three children, when I was a teenager I was clear that I wanted six children. I chose six girl names and six boy names so I would be well prepared. This was in the early 1960’s. At that time, it never occurred to me that I might have a partner, much less a husband, who might have their own opinions 😂! I hasten to add that I had considerable experience with large families since both of my mother’s brothers had eight children each and both of these families had lived with ours for extended periods of time. Just imagine eleven children and four adults under one roof, with four to five of the children (depending on the brother) in diapers - long before Pampers! And what does this have to do with your topic? Well, after some years, one of the brothers had an affair and the woman became pregnant. So, while she was pregnant, he moved her in with the rest of his family and following the birth of her daughter, they lived as family members from then on. Some years later, his wife moved out with their eldest daughter, pregnant at 16 and “the other woman”, “Aunt” Rebecca, stayed and mothered the remaining, eight children who were 15 years and younger. All of these children completed high school and grew up to have happy, ordinary lives. Although initially Aunt Rebecca was held in distrust and dislike in deference to their biological mother, in time they all came to love and honor her. Which was a testament to her being I believe! She remained with my uncle until his death. They married many years into their relationship. The biological mother abandoned the rest of her children, never making contact with them, but I don’t want to paint her as a “bad” person. She was the damaged result of a stringent Catholic “Old World” culture, as was my uncle. In time I also grew up and to my astonishment, when I was 23 in 1973 and had been happily married for four years, while reading “Lesbian Women”, I had the epiphany, “I’m a lesbian!” Which, while holding my place in the book with a finger - I instantly announced to my husband. To which he replied, “That’s nice dear.” And that’s the honest truth! Who could forget such a moment?! Clearly neither one of us understood the implications. After a couple of years, having much more information, I understood that I am bisexual. As for my marriage. We were married for seven years and had an extremely friendly divorce. He then married my best friend (since we were eight and we are still as close!) and they remained married until his death five years ago. I am godmother to their son and we love each other deeply. Last summer, for his birthday, he took my current husband and I on a two week vacation to Greece with his family. After my divorce with my first husband, I spent 20 years in relationships with two different women. The second woman is German and that’s how I ended up in Europe 35 years ago. This German woman eventually legally married another German woman who is twenty years younger than she. Following much thought, they decided that they wanted a child and the younger woman became pregnant. I was in the delivery room for the birth of their daughter. She is now 22, beautiful, intelligent, generous with her love and studying to become an architect. As an infant she was a delight and most usually happy. When she was a toddler they lived with one of her grandfathers in an apartment upstairs from his home. At two years old, she would take herself downstairs to have breakfast with him. This being her own spontaneous idea, her parents were initially terrified at discovering her missing! She has always been charming, intelligent and creative. Her relationships with her mothers differ greatly, but not in love. Her older mother was the one who always encouraged her to try new things and to take risks. Climbing trees, riding a bicycle, learning to ski. Her younger mother supported her creativity. Gardening, baking, painting, drawing. My husband and I are utterly biased in our love for her.
The timing on this video is perfect for me because I just came out to my Dad as a transman, yet all the months of stress pre coming out was BECAUSE he was in a STRAIGHT relationship with my queerphobic mom. Its wild to me that people think gay couples would be worse parents because I could've saved myself so much stress if I knew he liked woman AND men. I wish I put two and two together that the guy working in film was a theater kid I feel like a fool!
Great video, as always. But two technical aspects: 1. The sound quality suddenly worsens in the middle of the video 2. Why are there random numbers in the subtitles occasionally?
The numbers refer to the speakers. So 1 is Jessica, while 2 is the character objecting (glasses). It’s to show a shift in speaker. If they were named it would have the names instead
I love that he says adult, yes please. it's the best and makes me feel even better as a kid of absent parents when I was out with my friends parents, instead of someone seeing me without my mom, maybe I could be out with "my adult" and the neglect might not matter bc I am just at the park with an adult.
I'm a lesbian in their late twenties who was raised by lesbians and conceived with a known sperm donor in the 90s. I turned out fine! I'm so happy this is becoming more "normal" for Rupert's generation of queer spawn and that videos like this exist for queers having babies now
As someone who was born to a mom and a dad, but mostly raised by just the mom because my dad was a bit of a slacker when it came to children, I can honestly say that I am so happy to be relatively "normal" as an adult.
i was a child of a nuclear family, it was a massive failure thats left me mentally scarred for life. many others share my story. nuclear is not better. it depends on personal compatibility, and many people are compatible with the same sex!
You are one of my all time favourite creators. I love your aesthetic, your openness, the topics you cover, how it is so noticeable when you are angry with something but you still smile and act kind to really push it to the edge. Thanks for putting a smile on my face with each video❤
Years ago my mom made friends with a bean she met while in the hospital they had kids after taking the time to explain they were a little different type of parents than what we saw every day Dutch and Cookie came to dinner with their kids. We(the kids) were sent off to play Thinking back on it now my biggest concern was where they going to be any fun. Course this was 40 years ago and my parents weren't typical for the times. Fear breeds fear tolerance breeds tolerance.
We have a now teenager who calls me (bio mum) Mama and other mum Mama Auntie. We chose to have and raise said kiddo in Canada, and while kiddo and I both adore my home country, Canada is amazing and an excellent choice. Canada has had gay marriage since 2005 federally (2003 in some provinces and in the military) and both same sex and opposite sex couples can be declared common-law married and have the same rights regarding each other’s pensions, inheritance, etc with or without a legal certificate. Even 14 years ago we could have both mums on the birth certificate. Trust me, Canada’s not perfect, but it’s better than my part of the UK for much of the issues related to same sex marriage and parenting. Yay 🇨🇦!
I'd like to think it doesn't matter what kind of family a child has as long as the parent/s are attentive, caring and loving and try to be a decent role model. I come from a single mother working class household but she always advocated for my needs and it didn't stop me from getting a master's degree. I knew a interracial family locally where the dad worked part time and the mum full time as they were comfortable financially and didn't need to work more (so traditional gender roles in reverse) and their kids were fine, actually thriving. They were aware of possible judgements and discrimination too, it shouldn't be like that, if we must judge anything, it should be actions. There are horrible and decent people in all walks of life. The same with success, we all have different definitions for it.
Honestly THANK YOU for making this video, I am so fucking sick of people blaming the fact that I have mental health issues with me having two moms 😭 like bro my mother died, I got bullied relentlessly and you’re telling me it’s because I don’t have a father??
back when i was in school in 2012, i wrote a paper on this exact issue and that paper went on to showcase my school to the board of education! it felt very validating of not only my writing ability but also my identity as this was the same year i came to terms with my own queerness (and all of society's views on the subject)
My partner is Gender Fluid & both of us are Pansexual. We are both on disability for mostly different chronic illnesses. We don't make enough to even pay our rent without help from our respective parents. If we were to get married, we'd lose about half of our already meager pay checks. We've decided against the typical wedding & marriage licence. We plan on having a commitment ceremony. We just want to celebrate our love with our friends & family(s). We live in Florida, USA btw.
It makes no difference what gender(s) your adults are. I mean Rupert might like to ask questions of a trusted adult in his life who has similar anatomy (and don't get me wrong, I'm not at all saying that you and Claudia can't answer his questions) if only because I know for me, it's not that I couldn't talk to my brother or Dad about boobs or my periods, it's just talking to my sister was different and nice, because she was going through the same things. It just doesn't have to be your "parent". It can be a doctor/sibling/cousin/friend. And that is usually such a small part of raising your kid to be a good kid!!
“If you are worried about my children being bullied, just don’t bully them.“ - THIS. THIS RIGHT HERE!
Jessica comes up with the best wording!
We all know that Jessica is iconic
Exactly!
So tired of people telling me how cruel kids can be, instead of taking accountability for their actions and for how they raise their kids to behave 😠
@@zigzagperson or even more so, how they themselves behave. Adults can be bullies too. Some of the worst, in fact.
@@DawnDavidsonFaaar worse, in my opinion.
People really underestimate the huge advantage you get as a kid from being very much wanted and planned for over being an "oops".
Probably. Would be interesting to get some studies on that.
Or being the result of "Well I guess I need to get married and have kids, isn't that what all normal people do?"
My father wanted sons and only got daughters. My mother wanted living dolls that would enjoy all the pretty feminine things that she had in vain wished for as a poor kid. They both wanted kids who would be as "normal" and "successful" as possible.
I was an autistic and dyslexic tomboy with ADHD, and that went about as badly as you can imagine. I am relieved that my father is dead and my mother has lost most of her mind to Alzheimer's. Neither of them can abuse me anymore.
A peer was reciting one of those “I bet you hadn’t thought this before and now you’re questioning everything you hold to be true” type of things. They said “just think about it. You might have been an accident!”
I had the knowledge and confidence to know how meticulously planned I was ❤
I was an oops that my parents decided to deal with bu having a shotgun wedding. Add to that the deep religious belief they taught us that sex before marriage is sinful, and I really struggled with thinking even God didn't want me to be alive
@@perpetuallyconfused6608 My mother had a miscarriage couple years before I was born. Fertility journey for my parents was rough and a long time ago. Soo i'm very much not an accident. But they are far from great parents.
My parents were not same sex yet I was bullied, and they were terrible parents. Countless people with heterosexual parents are not okay, but let's ignore that elephant in the room.
Right?! Straight married parents do not equal a happy family.
Yep, childhood, adolescence and young adult life was hell. Wish I'd had parents like Jessica & Claudia. ❤
Ah yes, absolutely NO ONE ever talks about abused kids from hetero homes. Never seen a book, a movie, an episode of a TV or streaming show...
Discussing the issues of a group of people you don't belong to doesn't take away from your trauma. It just means you're not the center of attention at the moment
Straight people ruined marriage & parenthood long LONG before any queer people were visible and safe enough to not be immediately harmed for asking for more rights!
@@andirach Actually that was the *only* conversation we were having (cuz the automatic assumption was parents = straight or heteronormative), until this type of awareness spread! But let's all ignore *that* elephant in the room ; )
Spreading awareness for other groups does not detract from the awareness already spread, nor does it detract from the central message of don't f'up your kids!
Funny how it only comes up when Divisive Delia's are trying to divide people!
You have the day you deserve : )
Where are the studies looking into the mental health and intellectual development of children raised by homophobic, conservative cis-gendered heterosexual parents?
I can be a sample! It sucks! I gotta hide my true love for the years to come, for now I pretend to like girls
Good point! I actually really wanna see that.
Man, I'd love to be in one of these studies. My mental health is shit thanks to my parents. I can't tell my parents I'm trans and I'm feeling shit.
There are a plenty of them. They are just titled something like "mental health issues that LGBTQ youth face".
Here are some interesting examples if you're curious:
1). "Mental Health of Transgender and Gender Diverse Youth
Natalie M Wittlin et al. Annu Rev Clin Psychol. 2023. "
2). "Homelessness, Mental Health and Suicidality Among LGBTQ Youth Accessing Crisis Services
Harmony Rhoades et al. Child Psychiatry Hum Dev. 2018 Aug."
3). "Rapid Onset Gender Dysphoria: Parent Reports on 1655 Possible Cases
Suzanna Diaz et al. Arch Sex Behav. 2023 Apr." - the study itself is bad and was retracted, but it's an interesting insight into what transphobic parents say when they are validated.
4). " Family trouble: Heteronormativity, emotion work and queer youth mental health
Elizabeth McDermott et al. Health (London). 2021 Mar."
The silliest part of this argument, to me, is the idea that non-nuclear families don't already exist-especially in non-Western cultures. A child having "two moms" and/or "two dads" doesn't raise any eyebrows if one of each is a step-parent. Put the moms or the dads in a relationship with each other, though, and everyone loses their minds.
Exactly. People get screwed up over the same sex/gender of the parents, instead of seeing the parents as loving people who have chosen to be the best parents they can be to the child in their care.
Wow, that's such a good way of reframing the whole "two people of the same gender can't raise a child adequately" argument
@@colinneagle4495 Thanks!
And when the argument then becomes "well, but they still have a parent of the binary sex/gender too", I will kindly point to all the single-parent households
True. But the ultra conservatives are also opposed to the concept of step parents. A few years ago in germany a doctor was fired fom a catholic hospital because he had a divorce.
I love the "Where's your Adult". Perfect. Mums, Dads, Aunties, Uncles, Grannies, Grandads, Step-parents, Foster-parents, Child-Minders. There can be such a range.
Also whatever non-bi parents use
We are a papa and papi with a son and daughter. But when the kids are playing mum&dad, they're both fighting over who will be the mummy 😂😂
I was brought up by heterosexual parents who inflicted exorcisms on me for being too femme. Heterosexuality is not an automatic virtue.
❤
❤
I'm sorry
I hope you have better, healthier support now :(
❤
Bless you all. Diolch a Galon as we say in Wales. Thank you from my heart.
Canadian paperwork uses parents and guardians a lot. Not even to be inclusive of queer people specifically but because kids can get raised by other relatives, have blended families, god parents, etc.
Yeah, we can be accidentally inclusive. Although we are very inclusive of queer families. As the non-birth parent, we do not have to adopt our children like some in the US do. When our baby is born, we just put birth parent and non-birth parent names on the birth cert just like anyone else might. I'm grateful for that.
True. Sadly though Canada still falls under the umbrella of countries where disabled people lose benefits when married
Where I'm from there's also always written parent/legal guardian. But sadly we don't have gay marries yet. We have something similar, but it's not a marriage per se. I really hope it'll change...
My brother is a disable single parent to 4 kids. Their bio Mother values drugs & getting high over being a quality parent. My mother & I took on custodial guardianship of the kids. I am an open single gay male. The kids have grown up in a loving non traditional environment. I attended high basketball & baseball games, dance recitals & 2 high school graduations. I am known as Guncle Robb as am recognized as their parent. 3 adults of 3 different generations have raised 2 of our children to adulthood with the last two heading into high school. Conservatives would have had the kids taken away & raised in foster care instead of by 3 loving adults one who happens to be gay. The kids are loved, cared for & well adjusted. A non-nuclear family is just as valid as any family with heteronormative parents. All kids want is to be loved & cared for regardless of the sex or who their parents are.
"Things were so much easier back in the days when there was just mom and dad!" Oh, you mean back when Dad had multiple mistresses and mom was drugging or drinking herself to death? Yeah...
As a trans woman, married to another woman, our kids call us Mama and Nama. I'm Nama and its a protmanteau of my first name and Mama.
That’s so cute lol
🏳⚧💕
Aw!! That's so cute!
My kids (2 boys) are growing up in a family with a mom, grandmother, and great grandmother. I hear all the time how they need a father figure. Normally there is an insinuation that boys need a man to show them how to 'man'. I would much rather they learn how to be a good human.
I think the best men can understand what women have to deal with. Even if those men grow up to be as gay as possible, having empathy for someone with a uterus is still a huge advantage to being a kind and community minded human being
You sound like a deadbeat tbh
Failed family.
I always find it fascinating that the "a child needs a mummy *and* a daddy"-brigade (who also often disparage single parents...) never seem to apply those arguments to, say, war widows... 🤔🙄
It’s been pointed out in response to “a child needs a father in their life!” arguments that fathers have historically been off working or straight-up dead, and the kids were fine because the de facto single/actually widowed mother was financially supported. I married, had a baby, divorced, remarried, had another baby, and am now widowed. I can tell you I have gotten a TON more financial support being widowed than I did being divorced, though the problem of raising a kid being expensive is the same! 😒
"He basically eats books" is a wonderful way to describe a kid being a voracious reader (or listener, for now)
My wife & I fall into the "made a child on purpose, but easier than many same-sex parents' because she's trans. Which makes the whole "whose kid is that" convo SUPER FUN.
"Ours."
But which of you does she look like?
"Both of us."
But what are her genetics?
"Both of ours."
The only one that gets where they think it is going is "Who carried her?"... which... I did. But that's because my wife couldn't. And it doesn't make our daughter any less hers.
AND IT IS EXHUASTING. Only 1 mother's day card coming home. And Father's Day cards for no one. Ugh.
Haha we have the same. I came out as transman after having kids, which means my kids now have 2 dads and we're also both biologically related to them 😂
Although, the mother/fathersday is different here. They keep bringing a mothersday gift from school cuz the school still groups me as part of mother (just replaced mum with my name).
so relatable! luckily my family is extraordinarily accepting but in public someone always has to ask which one of us is mom, because where i live, lesbian couples are less common so the assumption seems to be that we are just friends and that the baby only belongs to one of us.
In Greece right now this debate is really prevalent after the legalization of same-sex marriage early this year. We had a conversation about queer rights in class with our essay teacher and it was a long debate. She was saying how she supports the right to gay marriage but is against adoption from same-sex couples because "the stigma from society would be too much for them" and "the children didn't ask to be raised in a homosexual household in a country where homophobia is really prevalent". I wish this video existed earlier so that I would have the correct vocabulary and knowledge of research papers to win the debate instead of having to abide by a middle line.
So many people don't know that disabled people lose benefits and healthcare coverage if we get married. In the US, I can only marry another disabled person who has the same benefits that I do in the same government programs. That defeats the practical purpose of marriage in the first place.
I didn't know. And I lost my benefits by casualty mentioning I was in a defacto relationship. In Australia, if you've lived with someone for a year and "act like a couple" (split expenses, present as a couple, etc) then it's the same thing as marriage
In the UK we often can't even live with our partners. They often have to either take on the cost of supporting the disabled partner, or give up their jobs entirely.
This setup of tying the disabled person's income to their partners often leads to financial abuse.
jwb52z9 Come again? My husband works and yes his income impacts my social security supplemental income. But there is no policy in the United States that says that I can't get married.
@@shawnahaddan3674 Yes, you can, if you can live with losing your benefits, which happens to a lot of disabled Americans, unless you marry someone else disabled and with the same programs you use for help. I'd instantly lose all my eligibility for everything I need if I marry anyone financially worth marrying.
@@shawnahaddan3674 Medicare and Medicaid rules combined do exactly that.
Your “Spectacled Jessica” character was hilariously on point with how some people act. Why are they like that??
Heteronormativity
People who never have to question their beliefs are like that. Also, people who are shamed for ever breaking their expected gender role... and also people who are deeply miserable for other reasons and want everyone else to be JUST as miserable
the whole "what if they experience strange emotions" bit I had to pause and laugh
@@dragonflies6793 everything that character said was so funny!
Trans man married to the same man I was married to when I came out as trans. We have a child together. Our child has been described by the school as very happy without a malicious bone in her body.
I’ve had people freak out about the fact that I’m raising my child and let her have choice in her gender and how she expresses herself. This is despite my daughter is AFAB and has stated she’s a girl and is the girliest girl to ever girl through girlhood. But I let her look at “boys” stuff to make her choice.
I am an aunt who often has care of my niblings. People become so confused.
nibling is such a fun word i've always loved it
@@junoestro Me too, it's so cute!
Agreed! Auntie here too. I often feel the need to clarify to adults who engage around me, they're hanging with Auntie Manda.
All my niblings are cis, they're just all different genders to each other (I mean, just boys and girls AFAIK but still) so if I'm talking about the full gaggle I've always called them my niblings, and so generally as individuals I call them a nibling but I do sometimes slip into niece/nephew, especially if I'm "describing my family" and therefore saying things like "my sister has my two nieces" or whatever. But generally I'll be with my two nieces and say "who wants to be my favourite nibling and get me X" even though they're both AFAB.
I was essentially raised by a single mother with 3 other siblings, just having 2 parents whether or not same-sex sounds great. Most importantly you just need positive adult figures in your life. I have a bachelor degree, can fix a car and cook just fine...
Just FYI for some reason the sound was very echo-ey in this video, perhaps something has changed in your setup because it's usually much better... I realize you may not be able to notice
@@felixbelanger2659noticed that too & I think she might have changed her audio setup a bit coz there's definitely two different recorders with different settings now. I remember those closeups used to seem like they were digitally zoomed in post but these seem different. I also think that she may have been a bit tired or something because she's got a bit of a lisp here so that's another reason why it might seem different from some of her other videos. Or the maybe-new mics are so much more sensitive that I'm hearing more subtle mouth sounds that I've never heard before.
@@salemsaberhagan what really stuck out to me is the echo! It could be something as simple a closed door or window, furniture moved around or something like that. A different mic could also explain it.
Adult .
Simple.
Inclusive.
Non judgemental !
I've worked as a preschool teacher for! 30 years and that's a new and usefully inclusive term.
Thanks.
Love hearing that Rupert calls other children's carers their 'adults'! Ive also heard of people using 'gaurdian' or 'grown-up'.
As a child of two moms, I'd say I'm a winner (too much pun material tho 😅)
Hey Jessica. I can't provide the citation for this one, I will keep looking, I recall a long running study into adulthood (18-20 years) of the life outcomes of children adopted by same-sex couples. The outcomes of the study, whose title suggested to me it started from a thesis that those children might have been "disadvantaged", found very much the opposite. Children adopted into same sex couples fared better (the percentage was about 20+%) in their path to adulthood than those adopted by different sex couples. It cited all of the indicators you describe in terms of resilience, lack of mental health issues and better: social adjustment, happiness, and academic performance etc.. This study was compelling enough that many social services agencies in North America began favouring same sex couples as adoptive parents. And by favouring (not a typo, I am a Canadian), I mean that the scoring methods used to rate the suitability of couples as adoptive parents resulted in higher scores. Not to disparage the wonderful different sex parents in the world, but it does bring into question the stereotype of "normal" families. This is not a surprise to me, as it is only logical that those persons who find themselves challenged by the stereotype may work harder to become parents and be invested than "average" in their role, and in their children's well-being and quality-of-life. Footnote: My 4 siblings and I were raised by different-sex parents and, while we siblings love other very much, every single one of us has mental health issues (some significant) stemming from our childhood. Love this channel, and love to your wonderful family.
I think one person's comment really hits the crux of it for couples who cannot conceive without interventions or at all: making a conscious choice to be parents makes it a very intentional act. I think for many of us, even in Canada (like me) where there has maybe been more acceptance of the Queer communities, we still have experiences or memories of people being cruel, hurtful, or hateful to us simply because of our identities. This makes one want to teach their children to be loving and accepting. Also, we have diverse friend groups or maybe more involved with diversity and inclusion efforts. It does not mean that different sex parents cannot have diversity in their lives, but it just seems so inherent when one is 2SLGBTQI+. (nonsequitur: I appreciated your qualifying your spelling was correct, although Jessica would spell it the same way, so it must have been for the commenters LOL). Cheers, fellow Canuck.
I'm a child of straight parents and I call both my parents by their full names and adress them with formal pronouns (in my language, plural "you" is a respectful form).
Parlez-vous français?
@@shoyuramenoff No, I'm Ukrainian. I know that you have this divide as well though.
Doesn’t that make you feel… separated, distant? From your parents? I grew up German and for the longest time I didn’t understand why people saw polite speach as better to informal speach. To me polite is distancing and informal is honest.
@@hollo0o583 It's a sign of respect. I love them because they're my parents. I respect them because they earned it.
So long as said child is loved, supported and taken cared of, I would imagine the parents sexual orientations matter not. The long term outcome should be just the same across the board, or so I would think?
Apparently same sex parents are actually better, so it does matter, but in the opposite way the critics think it does. So the next question we should be asking is how can different sex parents learn lessons from same sex parents on how to be better.
…by becoming less sexist… by deconstructing gender and by deeply understanding that it’s a social construct. That sex specific stuff makes up, like, 5% of the human experience. All other differences are sociocultural not biological differences based on tendencies like size distribution or hormonal predisposition.
@@hollo0o583Exactly.
This was really nice. Having two moms, most of those studies seem to check out in my case. I have felt a lot freer to explore who I am, I felt comfortable coming out to them as aromantic/asexual because I knew that even if they didn’t understand, they would accept me for who I am. There was none of that “the man of the house does x and the woman of the house does y” nonsense.
The worst thing about having two moms for me is that I’ve got a hyphenated last name and online platforms for school are always doing bizarre stuff like just using one name, scrunching into one word, etc.
Same hat!
It used to be relatively common for unmarried or widowed women to take foster kids, especially if a relative had more than they could afford to support. And some of them these women had "a friend" who they lived with. Nobody batted an eye, as it was believed to be friendship an co-living only and not sexual.
lots of teachers forget that super young kids have probably been calling their parents these "unconventional" names for their whole life, so ofc it just comes naturally to them lmao it's all they know
but this is also coming from someone who had a stay at home dad while my mom went to work in the early 2000s, so we've never really been one for following whatever's "normal" lol
Oh wow. I did not realise how much I needed the sweetly spoken 'just asking questions... I have LOTS of gay friends so I can't be homophobic' type homophobia to be called out until I saw this. The 'teacher' character really hit all the feels - in a 'wow, I know this person' kind of way. Thanks Jessica
I'm almost 30, my parents are same-sex (trans and cis woman). I can only speak for myself but them being women didn't have any significant negative impact on me, expect when people asked me invasive questions about my parents private life 😅
I often say “where’s your parental?” 😂 where’s your adult is also fantastic good thinking rupert
Nice ✨
Is there a difference between parental and parent to you?
(In my language, a gender neutral term for one parent is so uncommon it seems grammatically false. ‚parents‘ is basically a plural word, like pants in english. So I thought it‘s neat that there is a singular gender neutral word like parent in english. Adult is common in singular, but singular forms are usually gendered in my language.)
@@Alina_Schmidti’m not sure about how proper it is in terms of the english language, but I think of parent as a person who is primarily raising them, and a parental as someone who is filling that parent role for them in that moment. So it could be a parent but could be an aunt, uncle, cousin, trusted friend, etc. also!
I like gardian as a word. Keep in mind, I’m not a native. To me guardian sounds like Guardian Angel and guard/protector. In German it Erziehungsberechtigter aka “(the one who’s) entitled to raise” guardian is such a beautiful word!
I know for natives the association is probably administrative and legally compliant term for formal paperwork.
@@Alina_Schmidt are you german? Elternteil maybe?
My (adult, lgbt+) daughter's main argument is always that conscious choice would make parenting intentional.
As a teacher, I LOVE the inclusiveness of "your adult/grown-up" because it includes everyone, doesn't assume gender of the adult(s) and therefore makes children feel comfortable, included and represented!
💁🏻 foster parent here who loves when folk don't assume I am mum. The opposite can be so tricky.
Very happy to be referred to as someone's adult; thankyou Rupert 😊
One of my best friends has 2 moms, and another friend has 4 moms (2 moms at first, they divorced and both gained new partners). They both have the best responses to "your mom" jokes
I bet I mean which mom amrite
Rupert is already showing that neutral language is actually much simpler and accepts creativity ;)
Incredible video as always! Very well worded and researched and definitely will be passing it along to certain relatives with certain outdated views
Much appreciated!
One of my core memories is from middle school; another student had asked how my moms could have a kid if there wasn't a man present (with the presumption that cishet sex was the only way a person could get pregnant). I didn't catch on to the fact that my peer was trying to shame me (thanks autism!), so I proceeded to explain to him, and the entire class, the basics of IVF and my moms' experience in their GIFT program. Even the teacher was quiet, listening to my little speech. It is one of my happiest memories and always will be!
Even before my middle school days, having two moms was less of an issue than the fact that my bio mom is white and my other mom is black (I am biracial, but ultimately brown).
Another core memory took place on the rfamily cruiselines in the mid 2000s; Rosie O'Donnell's (tho they are moreso Kelly's) children were speaking to the kids there about our shared experiences as children of nontraditional families. One of the eldest kids asked, "how many of you are gay?" and nearly everyone's hand went up (we were like 3-5 years old, don't judge). Then they asked, "how many of you are gay because your parents are gay?" And my hand went straight to my lap, quite emphatically. I already knew that girlhood wasn't for me, and that boys are better for friendship than romance. Thinking back on this memory, I always feel so much joy knowing that I was confident in my own identity, far before I had the words/terms to describe it all.
As a biracial, genderqueer child of two moms, I can confirm that my life -- while not devoid of stress and difficulty (thanks autism!) -- growing up the way I did, in the environemnt I did, saved me a lot of time and energy when it came to finding myself. If given a choice, I wouldn't have it any other way!
What great stories! Thank you for sharing them! ❤
This was such a great video. You’re so right, it’s incredibly frustrating to have to walk around with a stack of research papers just to defend yourself as a parent. The number of times that I, an asexual non-binary single parent by choice, have had to defend that I deliberately had a child by myself with statistics about how children of single parents where the trauma of divorce and/or poverty is not present do the same or better than those with two parents… it’s exhausting.
Some children of heteronormative couples are not wanted at conception, which doesn't mean they are not wanted later. However, some parents are just "lucking" into having children, solely going through with pregnancy and childrearing because everybody does that and it is their right to have children.
It would be fascinating, to see the statistics, when on the other side are children, who where conceived through IUI, or IVF, for different sex couples.
Hopefully I didn't butcher that, english isn't my native language.
Children need one or more guardians who provide a safe, stable, and loving environment in order to thrive. Everything else is irrelevant detail.
Exactly that! Someone who loves you, cares for you, provides for your every need and keeps you safe, and IF in a relationship, loves and cares for the other person as well, no matter who they are ❤
"Send them your sex tapes...no don't do that"😂😂😂😂
I about fell off my chair.
BRO I REALLY THOUGHT I WAS CLEVER WITH THE “MAPA” TITLE IDEA BUT I WAS BEAT TO THE PUNCH 😭
Okay I’m back bc I just realized smth: By people being taught that only men & women can be in sexual or romantic relationships just bc that’s always been what’s depicted in media or in real life, we just never seemed to understand sexual orientation or romantic orientation, nor the variety of them, hence people being ignorant to orientations
I was bullied as a kid because I had 2 mom's.. now people think it's cool. It was really hard growing up though.
❤
Hot take: same sex couples have more potential for being good parents because they have to go through hoops to have a child, so they are sure they REALLY want it.
Says I, person raised by single mother.
i’m not opposed to the idea of my future kids just calling me by my name
My daughter always calls me by my name. My wife got “Mom” but when introducing us to people we get “These are my parents.”
According to some books, it was a kind of fashion in late 70's to call parents (not even stepparents) by their names. My nephew in 90's called "Mom *Name*" and "Dad *Name*". It seemed to me more uncomfortable when my parents stopped calling each other by name completely.
I was so impressed with the look of your "college genius" (with the glasses), but then she started to talk, and my impression rapidly sank into (delete "dislike") despair. Another character well played. Please bear with my own awkward idiotic comments.
Why be so unkind to yourself? Your comment was not awkward or idiotic! If you're joking, I'm sorry if I misunderstood, but thought it was worth saying!
I feel like gender/family group make-up is less important for the child's welfare than them being safe and loved and supported; children with multiple adults looking after them (and themselves/each other) will provide children with emotional security and a range of views/approaches/interests so they grow to be secure and well-rounded.
But the studies actually show same sex parents are better for the child's welfare. So it does make a difference. And yes having multiple adults to care for kids is better and has been the way most families and communities have functioned for millions of years. The nuclear family is a recent invention mostly to give a man unsupervised control over a woman and children.
great video ! i can tell how much time and effort went into this ❤❤ as a gay man this helps me look forward to the future
Right? Did you see that Bibliography?
i'll never get over how absurd this argument is. It's the same as "singles mothers can't do a good enough job" "Getting divorced is bad for your kids" when all of the problems generally come from external factors like oh a single mum can't spend as much time with her kids because she needs to work more hours (due to wage inequality or an overall cost of living issue, not to mention nobody ever questions when both parents work hard and long hours? or kids that have a FIFO parent?) and how, actually, kids who have parents that divorce amicably and effectively resolve the conflict have little to no issues with their kids that stem from the divorce and often the kids benefit from seeing how to healthily navigate that situation.
like was mentioned, "but aren't you worried your child will be bullied" so teach your child to not be a bully. similar to "girls shouldn't wear that" teach your boys to respect people's bodies and boundaries. All these arguments when challenging heterosexual social norms almost always boil down to some form of sexism and i think that says a lot honestly.
I am very happy ypu made this.
While I have hetro parents. I am a single mo by choice.
Information went out while my children were small shamming single parents that is was bad and the parent was bad.
It always bothered me.
What should I do have an abusive dad in my children's life!? No Absolutely not.
If only bigoted parents didn't teach their children to hate others, then everyone would be a winner
It takes a village to raise happy healthy kids. As long as there are caring sfults around, who cares what sex or gender they are?
I still havent seen the video but I think kids are winners if their parents loves them unconditionally. I grew up in a heterofamily and I was unhappy for the lack of affection and respect
You and claude are amazing examples.... im just gonna point people who question lgbt+ parents to this video
As a child of two moms. I can confirm we're fine (and very loved❤)
So pleasing to learn these stats Jessica, having children wasn't an option when we got together in the early eighties.
It's lovely to know that, as we'd expect, children of gay parents thrive and do well, not only that but its being documented so we can use it on those people like your wonderfully ghastly bespectacled Jessica character!
I'm sure others will mention that the sound on your forward facing camera went a bit echoey, I'm just playing it through again to get a time stamp. I thought there was a specific spot where it got worse...yes there it is at 09.34 sounds like a battery gave up and the sound was picked up by another device. Didnt affect my enjoyment and fascination of your video but being aware that you cannot hear the nuances i thought I'd mention it.
I love the format of your latest videos, you're a really good actor.👍🤗🥰
THANK YOU for talking about adoption-related trauma as part of your research! I did not expect it in this video, so it was really validating to me, as an adopted adult raising a biological child, to have someone outside the adoption community bring it up. ❤❤❤
A child needs a loving, understanding and supportive environment to grow up in. It doesn’t matter who that is who forms that environment. The kids that have that are who have what they need. As an educator, I’ve seen a wide variety of families. The kids that struggle most are the ones who are in the mess of meanness due to unhealthy adult relationships, or whose adults are struggling with addiction or mental health issues. I’ve seen happy healthy kids with single parents, divorced but cordial parents, grandparents or aunts/uncles, and same sex parents. It’s about the priorities and care they receive from the adults in their lives. That’s what makes the difference
I feel like so many people don't actually care about children, even when it comes to this topic. Like logically it is most important for children to be loved and cared for and raised to be competent and compassionate adults. Not for them to internalise gender roles or whatever. It's up to people to prove that for whatever reason same gender parents cannot provide that, not automatically assume they are hurting their children because it's two men or two women or two (or more) queer people. So many of these people will say they care about the kids and that same gender parents cannot provide them with a healthy upbringing and then ignore domestic violence or abuse that is being done by opposite gender parents as long as it fits into ideals of a child being raised in an adequately cisheternormative way. It's fine for a father to emotionally abuse his son into being more masculine as long as he has a male role model to 'teach' him how to be a man but god forbid a boy is raised by two moms who love and care about and accept him regardless of how he expresses himself!
Obviously i'm not saying all opposite gender parents are abusive. I _am_ saying that cis-heterosexuality is assumed to be morally virtuous to the point where as long as it is being upheld, abuse and neglect and dysfunction is overlooked, and if it is _not_ upheld there is outcry, even if abuse or neglect or dysfunction is not present. There are so many people I know who are fine with opposite gender parents abusing or mistreating or even just being unkind to their kids for the sake of 'moral instruction' (a.k.a ensuring conformity) who would yell until they're blue in the face that all same gender parents are bad because 'think of the children'. Very few of these people _actually_ care about children! They care about children having gender roles enforced and maintaining cisheternormativity.
Well said.
I love how so much of this can be boiled down to "If you want people to have kids, make having kids cheaper and easier."
Yes! My daughter is a highly respected school and teaches AP trigonometry.
I wish I could half as well-spoken as Jessica. She puts in a lot of effort that most of us can not be bothered to do in-order to present this information in such a clear and concise way. What a gem of a person honestly and when she stops to sigh in disappointment on something I FEEL that lol
Your videos are always so bittersweet. A lot of cute stories and relieving studies, but the prejudices still sting so much.
Also, asking: "Is this your adult?", is kinda metal!🥰
this video made me remember making a report on this topic back in 2019, when there were fewer papers and such, and yet in my country it is now illegal to talk about lgbtqia at all, so i'm still glad i'd managed to cover same-sex parents topic before it became too dangerous lol
You are so amazing at explaining this. I'm going to show this to my mom who just can't get her brain around this. She has 3 great grandchildren who are in same sex relationships and she is baffled.
Your videos are so wonderfully informative, humorous, and compassionate. I send them out all the time.
I am a 74 year old American woman who was pregnant only once in my life in my early forties and who suffered a miscarriage. At that time I was in relationship with a German woman and we lived in Northern Germany. It was not so easy for me to become pregnant, but I used the “traditional” method of intercourse with a man. He already had nine children and was divorced. Currently I have been married to a Swedish man for 26 years and we live in Sweden.
DISCLAIMER! DO NOT READ this entry unless you are willing to fall into the bottomless gulf which opened deeper and deeper the more I thought about Jessica’s video. It is both long-winded and rambling. I seriously considered erasing the whole thing.
The significant point of the long ramble which follows is that ALL relationships are complex (duh!). I personally believe that there is some element in each person’s inner being (the soul, biological, psychological or a combination?!), which is the ultimate determination of how they embrace their life and which is reflected by their unique perceptions of self and the actions that self chooses to take within their environment, which naturally includes the adults in their lives.
Specifically. My sister and I were born 13 months apart nearly to the day. I first on the 20th of August, 1949 and she second on September 18, 1950. My sister died in a motorcycle accident in 2006. Both of us embodied large stubborn streaks. But whereas my stubbornness insists that I claim my perceptions of who I am, how I am as positive, loving and strong no matter how circumstances or other people may seem to deny it, my sister’s stubbornness insisted that she was never enough. Mind you, we grew up in the same environment and experienced the same overreaching life experiences until we were eighteen and we were always very close until then. After which we married and she moved to Wyoming with her husband and began a family and I married and stayed in Southern California for many years. Throughout the rest of her life her self-esteem became more and more poisonous. She became profoundly depressed and self destructive. Despite every effort made to support her, to encourage her to seek help, she remained in a darker and darker place. Now she is dead and I miss her. At the other extreme, even after many severe and harsh life challenges (including malignant cancer) I remain positive. I KNOW that I am well loved and I am happy.
You are welcome to stop reading now. In fact, I encourage it. Rather than erasing the rest of what I wrote, I just want to keep it for my own sake. ☺️
As the eldest of three children, when I was a teenager I was clear that I wanted six children. I chose six girl names and six boy names so I would be well prepared. This was in the early 1960’s. At that time, it never occurred to me that I might have a partner, much less a husband, who might have their own opinions 😂! I hasten to add that I had considerable experience with large families since both of my mother’s brothers had eight children each and both of these families had lived with ours for extended periods of time. Just imagine eleven children and four adults under one roof, with four to five of the children (depending on the brother) in diapers - long before Pampers! And what does this have to do with your topic? Well, after some years, one of the brothers had an affair and the woman became pregnant. So, while she was pregnant, he moved her in with the rest of his family and following the birth of her daughter, they lived as family members from then on. Some years later, his wife moved out with their eldest daughter, pregnant at 16 and “the other woman”, “Aunt” Rebecca, stayed and mothered the remaining, eight children who were 15 years and younger. All of these children completed high school and grew up to have happy, ordinary lives. Although initially Aunt Rebecca was held in distrust and dislike in deference to their biological mother, in time they all came to love and honor her. Which was a testament to her being I believe! She remained with my uncle until his death. They married many years into their relationship. The biological mother abandoned the rest of her children, never making contact with them, but I don’t want to paint her as a “bad” person. She was the damaged result of a stringent Catholic “Old World” culture, as was my uncle.
In time I also grew up and to my astonishment, when I was 23 in 1973 and had been happily married for four years, while reading “Lesbian Women”, I had the epiphany, “I’m a lesbian!” Which, while holding my place in the book with a finger - I instantly announced to my husband. To which he replied, “That’s nice dear.” And that’s the honest truth! Who could forget such a moment?! Clearly neither one of us understood the implications. After a couple of years, having much more information, I understood that I am bisexual. As for my marriage. We were married for seven years and had an extremely friendly divorce. He then married my best friend (since we were eight and we are still as close!) and they remained married until his death five years ago. I am godmother to their son and we love each other deeply. Last summer, for his birthday, he took my current husband and I on a two week vacation to Greece with his family.
After my divorce with my first husband, I spent 20 years in relationships with two different women. The second woman is German and that’s how I ended up in Europe 35 years ago.
This German woman eventually legally married another German woman who is twenty years younger than she. Following much thought, they decided that they wanted a child and the younger woman became pregnant. I was in the delivery room for the birth of their daughter. She is now 22, beautiful, intelligent, generous with her love and studying to become an architect. As an infant she was a delight and most usually happy. When she was a toddler they lived with one of her grandfathers in an apartment upstairs from his home. At two years old, she would take herself downstairs to have breakfast with him. This being her own spontaneous idea, her parents were initially terrified at discovering her missing! She has always been charming, intelligent and creative. Her relationships with her mothers differ greatly, but not in love. Her older mother was the one who always encouraged her to try new things and to take risks. Climbing trees, riding a bicycle, learning to ski. Her younger mother supported her creativity. Gardening, baking, painting, drawing.
My husband and I are utterly biased in our love for her.
Clicked faster than it took me to come out of the closet.
The timing on this video is perfect for me because I just came out to my Dad as a transman, yet all the months of stress pre coming out was BECAUSE he was in a STRAIGHT relationship with my queerphobic mom. Its wild to me that people think gay couples would be worse parents because I could've saved myself so much stress if I knew he liked woman AND men.
I wish I put two and two together that the guy working in film was a theater kid I feel like a fool!
at least ur dads queer which kinda makes it sad he married ur mum (as in bc shes queerphobic)
Great video, as always. But two technical aspects:
1. The sound quality suddenly worsens in the middle of the video
2. Why are there random numbers in the subtitles occasionally?
The numbers refer to the speakers. So 1 is Jessica, while 2 is the character objecting (glasses). It’s to show a shift in speaker. If they were named it would have the names instead
@@agreene1090 Oh, thanks. That makes sense
As a kid of same-sex parents -- thanks for summarising these studies for people
29:09 I love fierce Jessica!
Thank you for this wonderfully comprehensive video!
Really well done!
whoa ive never been recommended a video from this channel less than 3 months after it was published
If you subscribe it will be the day it comes out
I love that he says adult, yes please. it's the best and makes me feel even better as a kid of absent parents when I was out with my friends parents, instead of someone seeing me without my mom, maybe I could be out with "my adult" and the neglect might not matter bc I am just at the park with an adult.
I'm a lesbian in their late twenties who was raised by lesbians and conceived with a known sperm donor in the 90s. I turned out fine!
I'm so happy this is becoming more "normal" for Rupert's generation of queer spawn and that videos like this exist for queers having babies now
As someone who was born to a mom and a dad, but mostly raised by just the mom because my dad was a bit of a slacker when it came to children, I can honestly say that I am so happy to be relatively "normal" as an adult.
6:55 actually am part of the notification gang but h*ck yeah, we love SEO
as a parent of a kid with same sex parents, yeah my kid fuckin rules and she's gonna be president
i was a child of a nuclear family, it was a massive failure thats left me mentally scarred for life. many others share my story. nuclear is not better. it depends on personal compatibility, and many people are compatible with the same sex!
You are one of my all time favourite creators. I love your aesthetic, your openness, the topics you cover, how it is so noticeable when you are angry with something but you still smile and act kind to really push it to the edge. Thanks for putting a smile on my face with each video❤
Jessica Kellgren-Fozard, You're so talented! I had to hit the like button!
Years ago my mom made friends with a bean she met while in the hospital they had kids after taking the time to explain they were a little different type of parents than what we saw every day Dutch and Cookie came to dinner with their kids. We(the kids) were sent off to play Thinking back on it now my biggest concern was where they going to be any fun. Course this was 40 years ago and my parents weren't typical for the times. Fear breeds fear tolerance breeds tolerance.
Jessica: comment any depictions of same-sex couples in the media that you think are especially good...
Me: You. You and Claudia. Full stop.
As a young lesbian who wants children in the future and is stuck in a homophobic household this really helps thank you Jessica :)
We have a now teenager who calls me (bio mum) Mama and other mum Mama Auntie. We chose to have and raise said kiddo in Canada, and while kiddo and I both adore my home country, Canada is amazing and an excellent choice. Canada has had gay marriage since 2005 federally (2003 in some provinces and in the military) and both same sex and opposite sex couples can be declared common-law married and have the same rights regarding each other’s pensions, inheritance, etc with or without a legal certificate. Even 14 years ago we could have both mums on the birth certificate. Trust me, Canada’s not perfect, but it’s better than my part of the UK for much of the issues related to same sex marriage and parenting. Yay 🇨🇦!
Thanks for joining us. YVR
@@louparsonsThanks for letting me stay! Of the several countries in which I’ve lived it’s definitely got a top spot. ❤
I recommend "i have four parents" by Daniel Roy here on youtube. He's a magician and he made a very cute video about his gay family
I'd like to think it doesn't matter what kind of family a child has as long as the parent/s are attentive, caring and loving and try to be a decent role model. I come from a single mother working class household but she always advocated for my needs and it didn't stop me from getting a master's degree. I knew a interracial family locally where the dad worked part time and the mum full time as they were comfortable financially and didn't need to work more (so traditional gender roles in reverse) and their kids were fine, actually thriving. They were aware of possible judgements and discrimination too, it shouldn't be like that, if we must judge anything, it should be actions. There are horrible and decent people in all walks of life. The same with success, we all have different definitions for it.
the way my blood was boiling at your teacher character >w< TOO REAL
Honestly THANK YOU for making this video, I am so fucking sick of people blaming the fact that I have mental health issues with me having two moms 😭 like bro my mother died, I got bullied relentlessly and you’re telling me it’s because I don’t have a father??
❤
back when i was in school in 2012, i wrote a paper on this exact issue and that paper went on to showcase my school to the board of education! it felt very validating of not only my writing ability but also my identity as this was the same year i came to terms with my own queerness (and all of society's views on the subject)
Children who are loved, will do just fine. No matter what sexual orientation their "adults" have. Just care for them and love them❤
love the teacher character!
My partner is Gender Fluid & both of us are Pansexual. We are both on disability for mostly different chronic illnesses. We don't make enough to even pay our rent without help from our respective parents. If we were to get married, we'd lose about half of our already meager pay checks. We've decided against the typical wedding & marriage licence. We plan on having a commitment ceremony. We just want to celebrate our love with our friends & family(s). We live in Florida, USA btw.
It makes no difference what gender(s) your adults are. I mean Rupert might like to ask questions of a trusted adult in his life who has similar anatomy (and don't get me wrong, I'm not at all saying that you and Claudia can't answer his questions) if only because I know for me, it's not that I couldn't talk to my brother or Dad about boobs or my periods, it's just talking to my sister was different and nice, because she was going through the same things. It just doesn't have to be your "parent". It can be a doctor/sibling/cousin/friend. And that is usually such a small part of raising your kid to be a good kid!!
I’ve seen “your adults” used a fair bit, and I also like it.
Bow from She-Ra and Willow from the Owl House both have super casual two dads. Also the Owl House is pretty gay in general.
I am a child of same-sex parents and my life is great. There are two people who love me more than the world and that's all that matters.