Are You a Butch, a Femme, or a Stem?
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- Опубліковано 6 жов 2024
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when i was in college, my friend group was 11 lesbians, 5 bi women, and 3 straight women. the funniest joke was when one of the lesbians or bi women said "let me get this straight" and pull one of the straight women in front of her. good times!!!
That’s funny! 😂
that is a lot of friends. share your secrets please!
How did you get that many friends?
😂
@@thatoneidiot5108FR!
fun fact: in brazil, our equivalent for “d*ke” is “sapatão”, which translates to “big shoe”, since back in the day lesbians used to wear men’s shoes that would be too large on them in order to express their personal style and non-conformity ❤️ the “shoe lesbian” is a worldwide phenomenon
Eu amo encontrar pessoas brasileiras em lugares aleatórios da internet educando os gringos 🫶
and this gringo considers themself educated, thank you, how absolutely fascinating. 🙏👍
Excellent addition! The way people use fashion to express different things is amazing. Thanks for sharing!
I proudly identify as a Hiking Boot Ace. Also a Keens Sandal Ace.
@@oliviafialho8000 eu também kkkkkkkk
"This channel is a trans-inclusive space. If you disagree, kindly understand that people's existence is not a point of debate" god I love you
Same
We love (platonically) a high femme trans inclusive queen ❤
Such a beautiful sentiment! Especially with how INSANE transphobia has gotten.
@@ejasmith These days, I'm always happy to see lgbtqiap+ content that respects and spreads awareness about EVERYONE in the community.
@@theswissmiss69 exactly!!
throughout the video, i was like "oh, this is informative, but are all these labels really that important?" and then i realised i'm a lesbian from Russia, and in a week it's going to basically become illegal to be gay in my country.
so i change my mind. go labels, go whatever makes you happy and visible!
and as always, thanks for everything you share! 😊
Wow, just when I thought Russia can't sink lower… I'm sorry you have to deal with this shit. Stay strong and нет войне! Lots of love from Poland.
❤
It is insane, that being gay is still illegal in so many countries. It is so important we are loud and show that there is a colourful culture behind our gayness.
@JankoWalski-hz3lu thank you so much! hope both our countries will overcome everything they're going through now. нет войне!
I hope you have left the country already. I did last year and I is tough sometimes but worth it. It was obvious where it’s all going after amendment of constitution, then tightening of “gay propaganda” law and now this. Have you heard about girls in Sochi who were detained for a kiss in the park? And it’s not the news that were shocking since we already know our government but the comments from people we are living around
Growing up, I was a tomboy. I hated anything "girly" and rejected the presentation my family tried to force upon me. As I grew older and learned who I was, I also learned the world doesn't necessarily like people like me. I was genuinely scared of looking "too lesbian", as I was already being bullied for being me. In my early 20s, having spent my life being scared of being perceived, I slowly became more and more femme presenting. At first I thought it would protect me from homophobia. Then I realized I was really resenting the "girly" things because we were brought up to see them as inferior. This stuff has layers! In my mid-late 30s, I'm a "tough" femme. I will do all the "masculine" things in my frilly, patterned dresses. I will build, fix, drive, climb, all the things I was told as a chid that girls can't do, and I will do it looking femme af. I may be straight passing if you see me, but not if you MEET me. Femininity is great. I love femininity. I'm attracted to femininity and I also enjoy performing it. It's all a performance, so we can do whatever the hell we want!
Also: I'm definitely a vintage lesbian.
I love that you shared this! I’m a straight woman and I don’t even know where I fall on the feminine/masculine spectrum. I look like a woman. I get my hair cut. I occasionally wear red lipstick. But most of the time, I don’t wear makeup or anything girly. I’m not masculine either. It’s weird. I’m just me, I guess. When I was young, I was a tomboy. And in early adulthood, I wore beautiful, bright pretty dresses and skirts in the hopes that the young men around me would notice that I was a dateable young women. (Didn’t work!)
The "I love femininity. I'm attracted to femininity" is so relatable. Figuring out my sexuality was always so difficult because It's so hard to tell if I want to date girls or I just want to be girly. I am still trying to figure that out
This is the most relatable thing I have ever read. Tysm. This helps me accept myself and know that I don't have to be super feminine to still be a woman or not a woman. ❤🥹
I had a best friend I grew up with, we were always the “tomboys”. Well, when we grew up I turned out to be a lesbian and he’s now trans. I’m glad that I couldn’t grow up with someone really close to me that could understand.
YESSSS!!!!!! EXACTLY!!!! I'm a femme lesbian, like all my queer friends know I'm pretty ultra girly, always in skirts and pink and flowers and shit, but i also am very much the person handling creepy crawlies and doing a ton of house maintenance and stuff, like I'm very much an independent woman who don't need no man and doesn't want one either lmao. And my straight friends have the AUDACITY to call me BUTCH!!!! Like love and kisses for butch babes don't get me wrong, but how can you look me in the eye and really call me butch lmaooo.
And gods, reading your comment was like reading my own life in some points. I came to resent pink and all things girly for YEARS before i just...one day got mad about it, honestly lmao. How DARE people spend my entire life implying girly things are bad!!! To the point of detriment!!!! Look at how people refuse to talk about periods in public!!!! Like a someone who's period almost killed me twice lmao, excuse you! Girly is not an insult, just like gay isn't, and I'll die on this hill, and look damn good doing it!!! And apparently!!! I'll get hit on by guys the whole damn time!!!!!!!!! 😅😅
Rupert staying in the background getting advanced queer studies education is fabulous
You're definitely a celesbian, Jessica.
I read online that lesbians who were more interested in the fluff side of a relationship than sex were called, "bambi lesbians". As an asexual who likes women can we pleeeaasssee bring that back/make it official?
Oh my god. I'm not ace but I do have a lot of sexual trauma and it's a long long time since I've stumbled across a label and felt so immediately seen. Thank you!
I just love the name "bambi lesbian," would be awesome to have it be cannon
Yes pleaassee
yess i love bambi lesbian / bambi gay as terminology, queer spaces im in use them a lot
I'm not a lesbian but I am bi and somewhat asexual, I'm so in for the "bambi" label!
Even before I realized I was a lesbian, I loved "borrowing" my ex-boyfriend's shirts, button-ups and hoodies. The love for these "men's clothes" mixed with some feminine clothing elements (e.g oversized button up, unbuttoned and matched with a V-neck spaghetti strap top) stayed way after I realized I was gay and breaking up with this guy, so I can proudly say, style-wise I'm an "ex-boyfriend's closet" lesbian lol
This is so relatable
"Kindly understand that people's existence is not a point of debate". Wow. Not even a minute into the video and Jessica is being amazing as usual
I think if we were naming feminine lesbians after the most feminine, most lesbian, person now they would have to be known as 'Jessicas' not 'Marjorys'!
help my names jessica and im a femme lesbian
It's worth noting that "stone" does have more than aesthetic connotations for folks too (at least historically- I feel like there might be a shift in meanings happening recently, at least in some circles)- it also includes preferences in intimate contexts.
stone has nothing to do with aesthetics, actually. it's entirely to do with personal boundaries around intimacy. Jessica got that very wrong.
@@cre8iveovadose I feel like "personal boundaries around intimacy" is a much better way of phrasing it than how I clumsily worded it! It's clearer.
@@summerslastsnow yes i was thinking that too!! stone butches and high femmes are not to do with aesthetics,, and i was really hoping jessica would shed some light on the common misconception
Butch and femme also mean more than presenting masculine or feminine
Yeah, it makes me wonder if she did research for this. Like actual deep dive not just scrolling through TikTok.
This video is so helpful for this little baby lesbian! I live in a conservative area and haven't been able to find my own community yet, so this helps me feel like I'm learning and being a part of the community.
❤❤❤ oh man, I'm so excited for you as you explore the queer community, and hope you can find irl people soon! Welcome! 🎉
I can sympathize. I'm in the part of the U.S. nicknamed The Bible Belt. Thankfully the specific city I'm in is less conservative than surrounding areas but it still has a lot of prejudice and I'm too introverted to go out and meet people.
@@Dragowolf_Rising thats exactly where I am too, I feel you
Me as well. The south can be quite limiting and I am very AuADHD.
Fun fact from history and ligustics nerd:
The term "tribade" comes form the act of tribadism, which is sex act that involves rubbing one's genital against other persons body, especially - but not limited to - their genitals. So it's a wider and kinda more realistic term than "scissoring" that comes from pornography and usually is used only for specifically tribing vulva-to-vulva with your legs interlocked, whereas tribadism includes any combination of genitals or body parts you want to rub against in any position.
I was going to guess something like that. I believe the “trib-“ affix means “to rub” as triboluminescent materials are those that glow or spark when rubbed, like the trick with some wintergreen mints. I am one of those STEM (Science/Technology/Engineering/Math) people. 😂
I thought that was more sarcasm xD
Thank you for the statement about being trans inclusive and recognizing that there are trans folk who love women and use that title! I tend to use transbian or Sapphic trans woman to describe myself in queer spaces where I don't know if Lesbian will be a well received term when referring to myself.
Sorry to hear you don‘t always feel free to use that term. You should totally be ✨🏳️🌈🏳️⚧️
But you are still a woman anyway. Don't let transphobic people get to you. Your womanhood is just as valid! ❤
You shouldn't have to. That said, I appreciate how you're handling this. You're showing respect, thoughtfulness, and compassion for those who are struggling with how fast the changes have been happening within the LGBT community and trauma issues frequently present in our (YOU INCLUDED) community. That includes you as a possible survivor. I struggle with communication. I have ASD, and I'm in burnout. I don't remember the proper wording for what I am trying to say. Those with a strong repulsion to penises, whether trauma-induced or through their innate sexuality. That's so kind. Unfair to you in most ways. You are a woman. Being rejected for not having been born as a female and/or the genitals you were born with and may be horribly dysphoric about, would have to be incredibly painful.
As a late bloomer, a very late bloomer, even the discrimination that I have faced is surely nothing compared to what you have, especially after the "backlash."
I do hope this came off the way I intended it to. I'm frequently misunderstood 😢 I'm trying to send validation and love with full acknowledgment of the pain that you must experience feeling the need to do this.
As far as I'm concerned, "transbian" is just a contraction for "trans lesbian", so transbians *are* lesbians.
That said, though, I prefer not to enter any sort of lesbian space unless I know ahead of time that it is trans-inclusive.
Transbian is my favorite queer portmanteau, you are welcome here!! You are lesbian enough!
Your definitions of “stone butch” and “high femme” are different from how I have heard them being used. In my experience, people use them to describe sexual activity boundaries/preferences.
Yeah I've definitely heard of stone butch/femme being used to describe sexual preferences and I think this is the original terminology (cmiiw), but I've seen some parts of tumblr where it's kinda used to describe very masculine butches. I'll be interested to know more definitely.
Language is always evolving, heck all words are made up. It can be localized into regions, social groups, ethnicities, and much more... ❤ We have a big task trying to define terms in the most virginal part of language, queerness.
Lets just all swim around in our collective gender fluid pools and find joy and love
I love that the covert lesbian question has usually been surrounding popular interests; today we say ‘do you listen to Girl In Red?’ but in the 1940s we asked ‘are you a friend of Dorothy’s?’ after The Wizard Of Oz and the way that lesbians had to live in secret, basically hidden in another world. Yet it was also safe to say in mixed company, because straight people would just wonder who Dorothy was.
As an activist since the 70's and a language & queer history lover - fab video. In Australia we also had the term camp for both male & female homosexuals - "camp as a row of tents" - camp also meant a flouncy, effeminate gay man or obvious "gay" presenting people. In 1971 CAMP was used as the acronym for Campaign Against Moral Persecution, a political rights group fighting for decriminalization among other issues affecting the LGBTQI community. I was involved with both Gay Liberation & Women's Liberation (from 1970 as a baby dyke) & the first Mardi Gras parade in 1978 in Sydney. A "78'er" is now the highly recognised term - even outside our community ( general public) for us. Had the privilege as a youngster to meet older suffragettes (knew the Pankhursts etc !) & many older LGBTQI people who gave me insights in their lives in the 1920's, 30's, 40's & 50's. Culture, language & history is something to be both preserved & celebrated. Again thank you for presenting such a delightful contribution to our vibrant & sometimes painful history.
That's amazing! Have you written (or considered writing) a memoir?
Dear Kate, actually am a bit of a writer - wrote for some left leaning newspapers etc from news to my favourite (due to associated practical experience) reviews, interviews & features across the full panoplies of the arts. So a book is on the cards - not so much about myself but what has happened so that more stories of LGBTQI history are not lost. Have contributed to oral history projects as both interviewer & interviewer, donated stuff to archives, given talks etc. My uncle was a gay activist in the 1920's who was targeted & assassinated by the Gestapo - so that is a particular area of history I am also considering writing a book about. Given the current rise of fascism around the world it is particularly timely. Anyhow Up the Revolution!
@@titichartay7216 I have no idea how I ended up in this little corner of YT world today, but I just want to thank you for who you are, what you fight for, and I wish you well with your writing projects because this world definitely needs your voice.
@@titichartay7216 Is there somewhere we can read some of your writing? Thank you for all your work for the community
@@EmL-kg5gn alas most of my work was in the print media & I don't have anything substantial on the net. Even I, due to a flood lost a lot of my work. There is stuff in archives in some major institutions available to researchers.
"Sexual History and Sexual Behavior do not equate to sexuality" LOUDER AND MORE OFTEN FOR THE BOOMERS IN THE BACK
swear to god my mom thinks u have to have sex with the same gender to know if u like women or not when THAT'S NOT HOW THAT WORKS
Hank Green did a nice video on this that might be useful for your mom - it's called Human Sexuality is Complicated... (from like 11 years ago). He separates sex, gender identity, sexual orientation, romantic orientation, and so on.
Honestly whenever they say that, ask them how they knew they were straight. It’s not like they had sex with the opposite sex when they had their first Hetero crush (celebrity or irl). How did they know it wasn’t just “confusion”
I gagged my mom with that one🤭
The "gold star" nonsense is the reason it took me so long to find my lesbian identity. I tried SO HARD to be bi because I thought no lesbian would want me because I'd been with men. I literally spent half my life wishing I could be a lesbian only to realize OH YEAH, I am one. Thank you for validating people like me. ❤
The whole "gold star" thing was big in the 90s. I'm so happy to see more women becoming more accepting!
Since I'm genderfluid afab, I was *sure* no one would want to date me lolol! I'm mainly nb or female, but I do skew male some days, so I was positive no one would date me as someone in WLW spaces.
Nope, found another gender fluid person (was afab presenting male, then realized they were nb and we started dating after that, then they realized they were gf 😂)! Media and social media really took a toll on me assuming no lesbain would want me, either.... Really sad :/ We're already hurt so much.
Not to mention I had gay parents. I knew being gay was ok. But I'm autistic and masked so fucking hard, and had so much bullying-based internalized homophobia, that I was positive I was at least Bi before I swapped to Pans before I realized why I was never EVER happy and fulfilled with a man. I had all but *traditionally* penetrative sex with a man (boy, we were both in hs lol), and because some women grossly see that as me betraying my lesbianism that I literally didn't realize I had until I finally could date women in college finally...... I'm somehow lesser to them?
Fuuucckk that. If my first partner had been a woman, I can guarantee I'd have known then! But it didn't happen like thag and early 2000s queer hate was *intense*. I grew up being told by my female bully that my friend wouldn't want to stay my friend because what *weirdo freak* loves their same-sex best friend?? It's upsetting seeing my community hate each other over struggles we all had but logically will react differently to by nature of personality/environment....
I'm Gen X. My lesbian musical icons are the Indigo Girls, Melissa Etheridge, k.d. lang, and Tracy Chapman, among others. I've seen the first three in concert. Definitely peak sapphic culture for my generation.
wait melissa etheridge was a sapphic musical icon?
Did Google AdServe know more about me than I did in the early 2000s...
OMG thank you for this comment! I've been trying to find an album my mom had played for me because the lyrics were really hitting a chord and I totally forgot the name. Indigo Girls was definitely who it was!
Also realizing my dad has very lesbian musical tastes 😅
Im 15 but i recently discovered kd and i love her music! I also have a tiny crush on her lol
K.D. Lang was so poorly treated in the 90s. She's an absolute queen! Constant Craving makes me melt.
Chappel Roan is making lesbian pop for Gen Z. Her voice is incredible and she’s an amazing performer and songwriter. ❤
I've heard the whole "gold star lesbian/gay" idea described as "purity culture for queers" and I really resonated with that
I've never heard of the gold star stuff before, but that was the feeling I got from it, too. It's like part of the lesbian community heard "you slept with a man before marriage? How gross!" and just dropped the "before marriage" bit. It's still shaming someone for their previous sexual experience.
its judging women for their sexual history rebranded, and its very misogynistic
@@ButchBearDjungelskog Not to mention the gay star men are weird AF for being glad they were C Sectioned from their mothers so they didn't get passed through vaginally? Like why are you making the process of birth sexual in any way, shape or form?, let alone with your own mother
Gold star bisexual is pulling a Rocky Horror and sleeping with everyone in the house.
I remember having some interactions with self-described "gold star gays" and they were some of the most exclusionary and misogynistic people I've ever encountered. At first I thought it was just some sort of in-joke or affectation, but after hearing an extended rant from one of them about how "gross" female genitalia were, and encountering a couple of "platinum star gays" (i.e. gay men who were delivered via cesarean and thus had never been "tainted" by touching a vagina even in birth), I recognized how toxic their brand of queerness was.
As a demisexual trans lesbian, I really appreciate your continuing support of trans people within the community. Thank you so much. I’ve never felt invalid in my identities or excluded because of them while watching your channel. That has meant a lot, especially as I’ve been coming to terms with my identity over the last six months, so thank you!
Same! Well I mean similar haha
Asexual trans lesbians unite !
same girl!
Same. Seems there are a few of us around. 😁
are we really that rare? yes i know late to the party, just found Jessica's channel and fell in love with her content immediately. Demisexual trans lesbian myself.
In Finland lesbians are sometimes called "bats" or "bat women". And Batman's symbol is used as a lesbian symbol too!
The Finnish word for a lesbian is "lesbo" and for a bat "lepakko". Many old dismissive or offensive terms used for women have "-kko" ending - for example "hupakko" and "venakko".
To be honest I'm not sure how much of an insult it has ever been. It fits too well with stories about lesbian vampires and jokes about gaydar and echolocation!
🦇🇫🇮
This amuses me so much. Because as a goth, we use the term "Baby Bats" to talk about those new to the community, particularly when they're young.
I'm aro/ace, disabled ,and my label as ✨COMFY✨ 😂🤣😂 Ahahaha! And I identify as anything but he/him (I'm not super happy about being a woman, but I'm not dysphoric enough to be upset about it. I kind of see myself as an indifferent amorphous agendered blob. And the idea of being male makes me wanna hurl, icky ew, no thanks lol)
Omg so relatable!! Abs make me gag, 🤢 and men, just don't need to be part of my world thanks 😂 but masculinity and queerness and saphicness makes me sooo happy ❤
Same!
Who else wants to see Jessica in a (vintage) suit? Perhaps a fedora. I get Marlene Dietrich vibes...
And you had fun with this one! 😄
[Excitedly pumping hand in the air.] Me! Me! Me! Ooh, I am definitely going with a tailored suit like Ingrid Bergman in "Casablanca"... that lovely hat that framed her exquisite face anew with every subtle turn of her graceful head... can you IMAGINE what Jessica could do with a hat brim?
Jessica doing a Marlene Dietrich look video would kill me in the best way
My GOD, yesssss!!!!!!😭
I got really excited about Stem- I thought it was something about the academic androgynous-but-not-really lesbian look- but I appreciate the correction and clarity! Also, I like the futch scale, even if I have no clue where I fall on it, other than in the middle. I present low femme with cottagecore vibes, or sort of masc vintage; think Rosie the Riveter...
That sounds like a fun style to get creative with.
Haha I thought this too! All my professors are like this.
Thanks for the terminology because that's my exact style too! I've been thinking of it as masc cottagecore but I'm not sure if that's ok for me as I'm cishet (sort of anyway!)
@@cavegirl7157 masc and cottagecore and ways of presenting yourself and styles of dress/hair/makeup. It doesn't fall under one specific sexuality. If you like the aesthetics of masculinity and cottage core then that's great!
Right? I was hoping stem/stemme would be like... cyberpunk-aesthetic sapphics, or at least something related to science and technology. But the BIPOC community deserves all the awesome terms to use as they like.
I've always wondered if the stereotype about lesbians moving in together and becoming engaged after three or four dates and a month of being together might be related to the *other* stereotype of lesbians mutually pining after each other and refusing to make the first move until either forced into it by exasperated mutual friends or the heat death of the universe, whichever comes sooner.
TY 😢
I'm a "late bloomer". I appreciate what you said about gold stars. ✨️ The second a woman learns that I was married to a man for 15 years, they 🏃♀️ . It has only gotten worse because it has been so many years since I divorced my ex. No one wants to be someone's first at my age. 😢 One would think that my absolute refusal to even consider dating a man in nearly 16 years would say something. I wish they would at least try to get to know me.
I try to tell myself that this is birthed from personal experiences and the pain it caused, but there's definitely an anti bisexual and late bloomer lesbian bias/discrimination in the LGBT community.
So sorry to hear that you're having that struggle. I hope things turn around for you. Getting a late start myself.
Yep, I am a bit like you both too. Nice to find others, not alone right! Married 19 years. Now with a partner who is a guy with long hair. Think rock n roll. In love 8 years. Never been with a woman, so I identify as both queer and gay...
Eliza Most Beautiful Day is Today!
23rd of November 2023
11:42pm
Sydney Australia xx
I'm a late bloomer, too, albeit in a different way, and I'm always afraid that will happen to me, too, when someone finds out my history. I've only ever been with women, but technically none of my relationships with women were lesbian relationships, since there was always a "man" in the relationship: me. I'm glad I finally figured out my gender, but I feel like I shouldn't have taken this long to figure it out.
@electronics-girl I'm glad you have too. I don't know how old you are or wait. You're up, but these play a large factor in it as well as religion.
And really self discovery. Please excuse my speech to text.
I believe in you. You will find love and someone who accepts you. ❤️
So sorry a speech to text and I are not doing so well this morning.
Thank you for touching on the Gold-Star term in the way that you did. It helps me feel including as a bisexual, omnisexual, and Two-Spirited woman whom has dated both sexes.
Pansexual here. I’ve been passed over by potential partners because I have been with men. I figure if they pass me over for such a dumb reason then I’m not missing out, but I really appreciated her comments as well.
Asking genuinely here, let me know if this is out of line: what do mean by Two-Spirited woman? I'm aware of the term Two-Spirit and kind of assumed it was like bigender but different in a way I don't fully understand because I come from a different cultural background. Like I guess I'm asking how "woman" comes into play here, for you.
I consider myself a non-binary man so feel free to drop in gender-y jargon lol, just curious about others' identities 😊
@@urmumsbenchpr It’s an aspect of some iterations of biphobia. Because you’re not only bisexual (and thus not receiving any gold stars for anything!), but you are also located as the diametric opposite of a gold-star lesbian and treated by some as though your sexuality is de facto distasteful. You “slept with or are still sleeping with the enemy” by your own free will and choice. That kind of vibe from the community that purports to accept you is really heavy.
I was super nervous opening this video when I saw stemme in the title, so thankful you made it known it’s a black only term! It grinds my gears when white lesbians use stemme and so this is much needed education from our gay elders to our new gay sisters!!!
Why does it matter if anyone uses it who's between butch and femme?
@@coolbanana165 Jessica explained it pretty well if you finished watching it. It's because historically, black lesbians were excluded from the the "mainstream" communities and how to make our own terms. So if other people us it now it's like "you're not welcome here don't use our terms. Oh wait, I like the new terms you made now so give us those too. Why won't you share?"
@@coolbanana165I would imagine it's just a general exhaustion with white folks stealing terms from communities of color. They inevitably warp their meanings.
Oh the hypocrisy of the "coloured"...
Bitch about gatekeeping... yet they gatekeep the most.
also, for every queer person out there who feels pressure to put themselves in a specific label to feel like they belong in a community, you don’t have to!! the beauty of the LGBTQIA+ community is that we understand how every person is unique and no one fits in the patriarchal system we have in most places of the world. if you don’t feel like you belong 100% in any of these names, it’s perfectly okay!! you don’t have to limit yourself!! we’re all ever-changing and should never label ourselves if it doesn’t feel right :)
Amen!
@@urmumsbenchpr Few people would adopt labels for their sexual identity without significant forethought, and hopefully even fewer do so with bad intentions (but, yeah, there are always a few bad apples). A queer-questioning person is struggling to find where in the LGBTQIA+ community they might fit, and identity gatekeepers can make this an even more fraught situation, so I loved the comment above for its inclusivity.
I think your warning, in this instance, is not so useful and perhaps may be counterproductive and anxiety-producing to someone first expressing their sexual identity openly. It also neglects that sexuality, for many, is fluid and can change over time; not in a destructive way, ideally, but it’s also not like you can assume a label will always fit the same for a person across time and space.
Just wouldn’t want to see someone hang back from involving themselves in the queer community sooner because of more fear in their daily lives, this time not just what others think of them but of whom they might inadvertently harm. If all are adults, I feel like we can cope with a few hurt feelings once in a blue moon so someone doesn’t have to remain silent a moment longer - or even closeted - don’t you?
Yes, go and conquer everything, all in thr big pot and stir. Happy rainbow world. No thanks. You get over boundaries. It stpos where a lesbian is accused as a terf because she does not want to date a trans person. This is really awful.
@@johannakuster1564 What are you saying?
@@_Ag- can you read?
I’m just a boring heterosexual, lol. Please for give my ignorance. But I want to say thank you so much for explaining what I clearly had no clue about. I want to understand so I don’t make a mistake and offend anyone and I truly do want to learn and understand. So, I do appreciate all the information you’ve giving on the LGBTQ+ community. I throughly enjoy your videos. 😊
This is me too. Though a I'm a boring old hetro-normative cis woman I just love Jessica for her love of others that just flows out of her.
thank you for that! its not ignorance if you simply didn‘t know, and its even less ignorance when you try to understand. seeing straight people care about our community is really reassuring! we love all allies, even if they dont know much. as long as you try your best and atleast try to learn, its enough.
Heterosexuals aren't boring. Boring people are boring. Please don't tear yourself down to build other people up ❤❤❤
Being interested in learning makes you plenty interesting, and maybe you find things out about yourself on the way that are decidedly Not Boring.
This queer af anarchist sh!thead gives you my blessing to consider yourself interesting! Thanks for engaging respectfully with the queer community, we love and respect allies 😊
@@lelebla1714ignorance is the state of not knowing.
Bi-male here. History and language are just fun, it helps that Jessica is informative and very charming and entertaining! You aren't boring if you seek to have fun and educate yourself.
definitely wish you went into to explain how terms like butch femme stud & stem aren’t just an aesthetic thing; but a whole relationship dynamic among lesbians with its own culture & place in history… but that can probably be a whole other video on its own right? hehe
either way, this brightened my day!! always love cozying up & tuning in to your videos ^ . ^
I agree, Jessica absolutely missed out a lot of really important info that would have been relevant to this video. Disappointing tbh. Especially after the disappointment of her betterhelp ad too.
@@plebproblems4315its not really a relationship dynamic, femmes can be the breadwinner, dom and top while butches can be the opposite.
Butch and femme are aesthetic polarity based identities and subcultures, but they are not “relationship dynamics”
"... Because as you can imagine, things were quite hectic" the way you delivered that line was hilarious! Great video. Love the history ❤️
I describe myself as a "longing lesbian" since I am a HOPELESS romantic and single, so I don't know where to put my love..
But I feel so seen and accepted with this video!!
I realized quite late that I'm a lesbian, due to always being told and showed that I "had to like men"... I remember googling a lot about being gay AND writing to anonymous chats about being in love with my best girl-friend in hope to feel accepted....... and oh my, I feel so whole and like myself now that I came out some years ago. Jessica your videos has definitely helped me figuring out and opening up to my family and friends. Thank you!!
This was great! There were several terms that I had not heard of. (Thanks for the citation links, I will definitely be checking them out.)
I am delighted to see you in such good spirits! Hope Claudia and you are doing well!
I loved this video! While I watched I thought the poor historians, anthropologists, cultural study , and other scientists who'll have to sort all this out in a few centuries...! 😉 However, I bet, the one who finds your videos will write you a passionate dedication!😉
right out the gate, the best definition of the word lesbian i think i have ever seen/heard. being fluid myself i feel like the nb community owes you so much gratitude
in other news, i've learned glamour butch is a thing! i think that describes me perfectly, junior year theatre the director gave my character an adorable black suit as my sunday best with a red buttonup, which was the first time i think i've ever felt true euphoria. she even let me keep the outfit afterwards! i usually dress more casual since i just don't have the time to dress that nice on a daily basis, but it's always where i just feel the best about myself. ofc i have my more masc/fem days just by nature of being fluid, but i _always_ feel scrumptious with a nice androgynous look
Here I am sitting here, an old lesbian of 67 years. Came out when I was only 15 and it was before Gay Pride etc. I have to say, my heart is so full with the beautiful people who have come out after me - It fills my heart with so much hope and love to see all of you out there, whatever your identity, wherever your spirit takes you! I love you all! I am so glad to see you all there expressing your true selves as it should be. Thank you for explaining a lot of the terms that even I did not know! Learning is a life long endeavor! Sister you and your family rock!
My most profound insight came from Miss Manners of the Washington Post. She was asked about what to say when introduced to a same sex couple in a social setting. She suggested “How do you do? And how do you do?”
Thank you for representing all and for educating! Much love!
Hi, hard femme here. We hard femmes are decidedly femmes, but with an edge. We may favor pink Doc Martens over heels, or we might pair cute dresses with spiked motorcycle jackets. (I've paired sequins with bullet belts, on occasion.) We like piercings and tattoos and we match our lipstick accordingly. We like knives. When we go casual, we might wear cut-up band t-shirts or, just as likely, t-shirts with feminist slogans--paired with ripped-up tights and denim miniskirts. We look up to Wonder Woman and Poison Ivy for inspiration. We like in-your-face activism. We can kick ass when need be--whether that be metaphorical or, in some sad cases, literal. Jean Cochrane, the musician, goes under the name Hard Femme, and she wrote an eponymous song that is absolutely anthemic to us. If you see a lesbian who's both cute and a bit intimidating, she might be hard femme. But if you get to know us, you'll find us warm and welcoming of our queer/trans family, however they identify.
(To be clear, not all hard femmes meet every characterization above. I'm tattoo- and piercing-free, myself. But this should give you an idea of the forms we take.)
Related to hard femme is tomboy femme, which is mostly self-explanatory. My girlfriend, for example, loves having long nails but doesn't hesitate to repair cars or play roller derby.
That's me! 😮 And I *love* knives! 🥰
Hard femmes have my heart. Y'all make the world a better place just by existing.
i'm a dr. martens, vans loving, nonbinary, pansexual, stemme, it's so funny and liberating to let myself identify with this, ass a baby-everything
As a bisexual woman I appreciate whenever the terms Sapphic or WLW are used! 🥰
I love your BSL videos, they're so helpful! I'm still a beginner and I find your videos so clear and just generally lovely! If you choose to make an updated queer sign video, I'll watch it.
thank you so much for creating such a safe space
Hey, you do have a community in real life (online), and you’re already taking part! I know you know this, but for many of us, online is where we get our queer community fix, so you’re not as alone as you may feel - many of us can relate to not having a queer community in the physical world (and to how isolating it was before the internet!) - and we’re here for one another on various online platforms. Please keep joining in whenever you feel like it. Glad you’re here. 🤍
I absolutely just love the line "Kindly understand that people's existence is not a point of debate." It's so awesome, and thank you for so inclusive!
I've been told that as a bisexual woman, I'm not allowed to use "femme" because it's exclusively for lesbians, despite the documented history of bisexual women existing in the same spaces and sharing many of the same experiences as lesbians. However, I strongly fall under "sapphic" and "WLW", so this video makes me feel more confident in using the words that have always fit right for me!
You're totally allowed to use femme.
It amazes me how humans like to gate keep other peoples personal experiences.
Humans annoy me.
Claim femme it’s totally yours too
Same here. Do you think chapstick pansexual/bisexual would work?
I'm a femme and bisexual. I totally call myself a femme and I don't take no nonsense about that from others
14:38 I Listen to Girl In Red now… I’d never heard of them but thank you so much for the reference! Having a flare up of chronic health issues and this video and some Girl in Red music got me through the laundry. ^_^. Cheers! 🏳️🌈
In my language, there is a general slang word "teplý/á, teplej, teplouš" used for gays, lesbians and bi people, which basically translates to "warm" and can be used both as a noun and an adjective. It has been used as a slander and only recently reclaimed (in a joking way, usually amongst "us, youngsters") by some queer people. But because it is such a commonly used word in my language, it creates interesting scenerios in everyday communication (for example, in Eclipse, when Jacob says to Edward: "I am hotter than you", in our version it is "Jsem teplejší než ty", which, especially to teens, sounds like: "I´m gayer than you". Thus, my fanfic stage began:D.
But I wouldn´t reccommend using it as too many people still find it offensive and if you aren´t fluent in Czech and can´t get across the joking tone properly, some people will likely get pissed.
Thank you for calling out the "gold star" lesbian nonsense! I've always hated that term.
Yes! I loved that she said we all get gold stars! ⭐️⭐️
Me too, it brings up so much grief for me, as someone who was affected by comp-het culture. I would have wished I was given space to be myself, and it's not my fault that societal trauma made that impossible til later in my 20s
i thought it was meant in a sarcastic way... like, 'you really think you deserve a gold star for that one?' way 🤣
I really appreciate your no nonsense allowed acceptance of trans folks. Thsnks for being great 🎉
In French, to say someone goes both ways, ie is attracted to and has relationships with both women and men, we say he or she is " à voile et à vapeur", literally meaning they are both " by sail and by steam".
The same country that defines the bidet as something «pour se laver le popotin»
Tribade references Tribadism, which is indeed a sex act and shouldn't be googled if you're under 18 lol
Thank you for including everyone it's nice that there are still some safe places :3
I find it refreshing that someone dares to put this in to words. ❤😊
The pure sugar you pour on "If you disagree, kindly understand that people's existence is not a point of debate" is delicious. ❤
I ID a baby queer or baby lesbian. Mostly because I am in my head cishet, but married to a (trans) woman who came out late in life. I love her. I'm learning lesbian/queer culture, and I pass for Lesbian, but my head is still confused.
Totally valid! Love to you and your wife as you work out what labels and lifestyle feel best to you both. ❤❤❤
I started getting read as a lesbian like 6 months into my own transition. Apparently I give off the vibe hard.
Welcome to community to both of you and your love story sounds like one for the ages. Congratulations on finding and recognising your person. ❤
@@Jo_-_-t.a I hold tight to my person. And she's very pretty inside and out.
I'm a trans woman who is coming out late in life, and liking women still feels "straight" in my head, even though I'm a lesbian.
Lol I was always bullied for being a "butch lesbian" as a teen... but I had long hair, I wore makeup (not a lot, just some) and physically my boobs were/are enormous. I was physically and personally NOT butch hahahaha... I'm not fem/lipstick either. I'm sort of in the middle I think. I was insulted "dyke" as well. My sister, lesbian, has reclaimed that word but I simply can't. She wasn't bullied, I was. So makes sense.
And interestingly, I'm only physically attracted to middle as well.
I pronounce WLW like “Willow” - I read about this suggestion a few years ago, it reminds me of Willow from Buffy and there were other reasons as well that I don’t recall. But I think it’s a pleasant way to say it
I consider myself a library lesbian (no...I don't know if there are others). I love the slightly dowdy librarian aesthetic...the more vintage the better. And I wear flowy dresses and comfy things. I spent my 20s and early 30s doing period costuming (like...earlier than 1900). Also #ActuallyAutistic.
I love this video and your pure joy at discussing lesbians.
I love that! I’m the goth/I tend to dress in costume lesbian. But I have a soft spot for library aesthetics.
@@Sam-mh4sb I mean, button-up shirts under sweaters or with blazers (or both). Tweed. Long-ish woolen skirts or dress trousers. Hair up. Glasses with glasses chains. **sigh**
Me I’m A Library Lipstick Lesbian
Me, a futch lesbian and a drag king: "I feel seen"
thank you so much for this video
May I ask about futch presentation? I'm nonbinary, intersex, and queer, and I've been hiding behind femme presentation for a long time, and am finally reconnecting with the masculine/androgynous presentation that makes me feel more at home in my own skin. I seem to have a lot in common with futches, and would like to learn more if you're willing to share.
I feel most confident presenting as a handsome rogue in androgynous clothes (muscle tees, skinny jeans, doc martens, big sweaters, flannel, and asymmetrical tunics), with short hair or a shaved head, but I love wearing lipstick and mascara.
It's nice to hear that you are starting to feel more comfortable embracing your masc side. When I was younger, I was quite a tomboy and rejected everything feminine, mostly because everyone made a big deal of it and commented on it if I wore something feminine. Now I usually pick out classic/dark academia clothes, I don't really think about the way I present my gender, it just happens to be androgynous. I feel like it doesn't make me any less of a woman if I don't fit the conventional idea of how women should look
I thought a "celesbian" referred to astrology lesbians for a minute there 🤣
Celestial Lesbians! It makes sense, back me up 😂
Love it!! ☺️👏🙏✨
I think I am non binary and bisexual. I was 100% in love with my straight best friend in high school. I was raised to think being gay was a choice so it wasn't a surprise to me to "choose" to be "straight". I've still only had relationships with men, both because i married young and i think my negative relationship with my mother is a factor. As to gender I would have fights with my mother when I was told I shouldn't like or do something because I was a girl. I would cry and say that I wanted to be a boy then. That was.... strongly discouraged. (Abuse) I've always really struggled with my femininity (which only got worse after my hysterectomy), and I've never felt right being called any of the feminine forms of my name. Honestly gender just has never been a factor for me much. There are times I feel feminine or masculine but mostly I just want to be comfortable. 😂
Hi! I'm really glad for the informative video, but "stone" and "high" are important sexual labels. It has nothing to do with how masculine or feminine someone is. There are "high butches", there are "stone butches", there are "high femmes" and "stone femmes". "High" and "stone" refer to people who prefer not to touch their partner's genitalia and people who prefer not to be touched on the genitalia by their partner, respectively.
I think it is an important part of the community experience. It's a language that helps people find suitable sexual partners. It helpful when talking about one's own experiences and encourages boundary setting and respecting those boundaries.
Regarding King Christina - in Poland, there was actually a woman, probably a heterosexual one, who was a king. It was because a queen had always meant a king's wife, and here, the person crowned was actually her, King Jadwiga, not her husband (who probably was also referred to as 'king', but only because he married Jadwiga).
I could write so much here, but I’ll just add the world of lesbian music and music festivals is long. I grew up in the ‘70s with my mom playing “Womyn’s Folk Music “ (in the US). This included such musicians as Chris Williamson, Holly Near, and Odetta. Later I listened to Ferron and Joan Armatrading, and of course in the ‘80s Melissa Etheridge cane to the mainstream, followed by sisters Teagan & Sara. There are a ton more and you could do an entire video on The Michigan Womyn’s Musical Festival among others :) Also, perhaps a video on lesbian separatists, which I don’t know if this exists anymore, but back in the day Mary Daly even wrote an entire feminist dictionary called the Wickedary! Thanks for the great historical video, keep going! ❤
Ooh yeah! I was just talking about this today! Lesbian separatists were soooo important to my coming out! I honour them as an absolutely essential part of my queer journey, that actually eventually lead me to realise my trans identity, because of their intense feminist insistence that they have the right to be themselves so fully and strongly and without taking on societies expectations.. (unfortunately I think that some of their theory and community building has been taken on by some terfy groups as justification to expel trans folks from women's spaces, but I don't think that's necessarily the equation, and alot of radicle feminists really strongly reject terf arrogance in taking and twisting their developments and certainly don't see terfs as radicle)
I think this is really important to talk about, the bravery involved in forging a social space, of empowerment, de-colinising your brain to de culture yourself from comp-het life, and to make space to uncover queerness and lesbianness and being free.
I know for some people it's just very clear, a sexual instinct, but for a lot of us, it's alot more complex to make space in our minds and hearts to clear out all the conditioning and social expectations from society, and this is important to acknowledge. It can still be a very traumatic process to go through, and it takes time, to adjust ❤
In Finland lesbians have reclaimed the term ”lepakko”, which translates to bat, and I enjoy that ^_^ it was used as a degratory term, but now days its history is almost forgotten.
I’m amazed that I got to the bottom of the comments without seeing LP as a music recommendation.
as a nonbinary femme lesbian, thank you for your inclusion of us! it really means a lot
I quite like the term Doe, as feminine bisexual woman. I’m not sure the history of the term but it seems to have been around for almost 8 years or so in my experience
In germany there is a slur for butches, I haven't heard it in a while but maybe I just have the right community around me lol
It is "Kampflesbe" which translates as warrior/Fighter lesbian. It means an aggressive and masculine lesbian.
Edit: I am a sapphic but wasn't out of the closet during that time and am not a butch (it was used as a slur for any kind of lesbian)
ughh yea that one! i think it's still around/being used in older generations i'm afraid but good thing you haven't heard it in a while :)
it actually sounds kinda cool translated to english ngl :D
it really does sound better in english xD
Such a delight to watch your videos. Thank you for sharing with such sunshine and enthusiasm. Really makes my day.
Hello and thank you for showing to all of us our diversity!
For music recommendations for women loving women I love “Eugene” by Arlo Parks. I don’t hear it talked about much, definitely worth a listen if you haven’t heard it.
I second this! Arlo Parks in general has some really great tunes, some others that come to my mind are "Devotion", "Ghost" and "Jasmine" :)
Love your channel, I just came out of the closet over the past few years (identified as bi all my life but I was lying to myself, for many reasons), in my mid 40s (disabled with a spinal injury too so, lots of challenges), and after a whole lot of therapy I finally feel ready to get out and mingle, meet other gay women. I have no idea when my first date with a woman will be, but I feel like my future wife is out there somewhere. I was married to a man for a decade, and I want to be married again but to the right person this time, so I'm hopeful!
But I'm also really, really scared, there was a reason i was in the closet for decades and it was a difficult process of figuring things out, and there is a world of hate against gay women out there and it makes me very nervous. But I'm not hiding anymore, and I appreciate your channel so much!
*edit* Got to the end of the video, I'm a baby lesbian! LOL After turning 46 last week, I'm really happy to called a young anything, lol.
boy have I got some sapphic music recommendations for you folks 🫶🏻
The Scary B!tches (gothic punk), The Butchies (punk rock),Destroy boys (punk rock), King Princess (indie pop), MUNA (indie pop), Clario (bedroom pop), Young Miko (latin rap), Willow Smith (rock and alt RnB) and i have more but this is getting too long 😭
Love the energy as always! Some queer artists I like; Syd, Noah Finnce, Janelle Monae, Lil Nas X, Iniko
Tribade comes from early 17th century French, or via Latin from Greek tribas, from tribein ‘to rub’. The word ‘tribade’ has such an interesting, and at times disturbing, history. The female category of the tribade was created by men for men (Thorsteinn Vilhjalmsson, The Tribadic Tradition: The Reception of an Ancient Discourse on Female Homosexuality). The word tribade hails from Greek antiquity. It was applied by men to women who they deemed too ‘masculine’ (unruly, unwomanly, ‘overly’ sexual, etc). The insult is exceptionally derogatory and sexual. The idea was that masculinized women were so masculine that they had to be engaging in genital rubbing/penetration with men and women using their enlarged clitorises (yeahhhhh D;). During later antiquity, the sexual associations of the word became female-exclusive and limited to female same-sex genital rubbing/penetration. Homoeroticism between women was characterized as a monstrous, laughable, and inept effort committed in lapses (or within the absence of) womanliness.
The discourse of the tribade, unlike discourses on male same-sex sexuality that changed with the passing of time after antiquity, survived into modernity (Vilhjalmsson, The Tribadic Tradition). The term popped back up during the Renaissance and became the dominant discourse of female same-sex sexuality into the 19th century. The word tribade and all its associations were the dominant means of discussing female same-sex sexuality for the time period.
Of course, during the French Revolution, the word tribade was thrown around too! Accusations of tribadism were levied at both noble and Revolutionary women, indicating powerful anxiety over women’s sexualities, as well as anxiety over the stability of class allegiances.
In Brazil we use the term "big shoe" (sapatão; sapato = shoe; with the "ão" as an aumentative), but fem lesbians joke with the term "sapatilha", wich is a cute, feminine shoe lol
My city has an amazing drag king troupe. I've seen them perform at gay bars, burlesque shows, and Rocky Horror - they have really unique and beautiful routines for everything.
I've always preferred the term Sapphist tbh. Makes way more sense to directly reference Sappho rather than vaguely alluding to her by location.
Also, Tribade refers to a person who performs the act of tribadism, or "scissoring", if anyone is still wondering.
…Or, even more generally than scissoring / tribbing, the act of grinding/rubbing on another woman’s other body parts with your sexbits = tribadism. And a tribade = a woman who takes part in such forms of delicious merriment.
We make so many U-Haul Jokes. moved in together at half a year. She proposed at our one year anniversary at the same museum from our first date.
7:52 omg! So sweet to hear Rupert ❤
From a frenchie here : tribade sounds familiar to me from today's French. I think "tribadisme" is used to mean "to be a throuple", even if it sound vintage and is used very specificaly.
Thank you once again for those amazing infos and references ! I'm discovering "Dykon" and absolutely loving it.
I can't believe I missed two of the videos you're mentioning that you did earlier. Gotta watch this immediately !! ✨
“The nineties might seem fairly recent…”. Yes, thank you for reminding me that I am not as young as I think, lol.
Your inclusive introduction means the world to me. Thank you, thank you, a milllion times thank you! 💙💜🤍💜💙
I have been an ally since 1965. I love the community, in all it's flavord.
I don't remember which book store/publisher I follow on IG, but "bookseller" was code for lesbian, and they asked various members of their staff if they were a "bookseller."
I'm a walking stereotype haha. I went on my first date with a woman in 2021. I did not go on a date with another woman after her. We became official on our 5th date and I've been with her ever since.
My partner referred to me as 'low femme' today 😂
That’s a fucking mood lmaoo
✨Deliberate and Joyful Femininity ✨😍
Great video, and thanks for your trans supporting message at the start ❤❤ ..... and yes, I would love an updated sign video!!
You are an absolute icon of high femininity. Goals and then some. Much love from an ever-so-slightly-jealous transbian 🩵🩷🤍🩷🩵
She's actually goals
I am what I am.
Thank you for this video Jessica! You do an incredible job of explaining topics clearly and creating a safe space on your channel 🌈💕
What do you call a forced mother? 😂 I'm a panromantic ace who somehow ended up adopting a bunch of baby gays despite the fact I'm not very motherly at all. More like that grumpy aunt who will help you if she sees you struggling lol.
im a white transbian mathmatician, so when i saw "stem" in the title, i thought, oh! thats me
and i was thinking: "Someone, instead of looking masculine, or femmenine, they want to look academic instead)
And this video luckily proved my quick assumption incorrect
I propose a new word for all the academic lesbians in the comments who got confused by the word stem - -academbian - -
@@gracelarmee I hope academbian catches on.
Academbians, WLW sapiosexuals would like a word/plurality of words (&/or calculations! 🧮) with/from you STAT!
I want you to know that your cadence and tone is delightful, I am terrible with audio books but I'd listen to your audio books