@@BarbaraHeffernanexactly what happened to me. Obsessed with the idea of me cheating whilst the whole time engineering situations to enable her cheating on me. Wow.
@@TruckerBLWthey accuse u of what they do. They tell on themselves all the time. Once they accuse u, that tells u they did something. It's a guilty conscience. They go and do it then accuse u in hopes u actually did so they don't have to feel bad or shameful.
8 signs of the covert narcissist 1-they appear fragile and charming 2-they give backhanded compliments 3-their public image is different than their private image 4-they're hyper jealous of other people 5-they tend to sabotage other people's relationships, especially at work 6-often expect others to care for them emotionally and solve their problems 7-passive aggressive communication 8-fake empathy cheers from southern ontario, canada 🍁
If a person doesn't love themselves, how can they love you ? They can't do one without the other. If a person can't really care about themselves, they can't care for you either.
Exactly! If we can’t go “no contact” Keep good notes on any interaction w/ narcs. They are devious, sneaky, liars & manipulative while pretending to love U, or care, and they are all angels in their own eyes. They live to suck u in, so they can continue their attacks.
I overheard some of that yesterday. My girlfriend recently cracked her pelvis. Requiring around the clock support. I work from home, and trying to do me a favor, is looking at hiring dog walkers without asking me whether that service is what would make the biggest difference, and enable me to get my work done while I work from home. Walking the dog for 10 or 15 minutes, gives me an opportunity to stretch my legs. She found somebody who walked the dog a few times and then asked her why I “didn’t get off my ass and support her more?!?” For some reason she shared that comment with me, and my thought was, “how did he get that impression?” I’m being attentive all day long, moving her around the apartment keeping her fed helping her change her clothes to the point where I have to work from 10 PM to 3 AM to get my work done every day, and some random guy is saying that I need to get off my ass and do more?? Grrr
@@TheRescueDog Thanks for the support. I do sound design for film and TV. Our 2nd bedroom is set up as a tiny editing suite. I'd rather NOT have to be up all day and also pull a second graveyard shift, but at least the interruptions at that time are solely of my own making 👍🏽
This was my mother. She scares the sh$& out of me. She used to talk to me about all our neighbors in a mean way. I had 4 brothers and she hated all our friends. So we never had any. She is really a nightmare, to this present day, a nightmare.
Yep I could always feel it too in her coworkers that we would hang around with socially... I could tell when the well had been poisoned I know what or how but I knew it had happened...
A covert narcissist has a great amount of inner rage. If they get triggered they will scream and yell. Even though they are normally very quiet in a calculated kind of way.
Truth... they appear sweet insecure mouse like.. then wham.. you realize they are self-serving insecure angry vampires.. and yes, they give back handed compliments..
It is truly disturbing how charming and humble they seem at first. They really sell it. And when your an empathic person you don’t expect someone to not be genuine. At 45 and after many unfortunate encounters with Narcissists I can see them sooner now, but still get fooled at first. It’s crazy.
i really get how you feel in this one. crazy we still get fooled. such a blindspot. that takes massive amount of work to work on in order to make it just a bit smaller. and then sometimes I still wonder; maybe I am the narcisisst; why would then each of them give me the feeling I am not worthy?
I've learned that it's not us, because we actually ask ourselves, could it be me that is the narcissist. When the true narcissist would never in a million years consider, that they're the wolf in sheep's clothing.
They want to be liked/accepted by impressing They have a deep seated desire to be safe and looked after and they want to be in control when things seem to be working out. But they are lacking maturity, real understanding/ compation and are not being able to keep up or finishing things or continue sustaining good causes unless they are on a vengeance spree And forgiveness is not their capacity at all. Punishment and vengeance is And self-catering/ centering is Also being conartists as well and they can't hide it for too long They also like speaking ill behind everybody's back! Absolutely everybody's no exception!!! And pulling victims card all the time but never admitting who they victimised And yes the toucher has to be only one to one so no witnesses and if they are any they will make a scene that the victim is victimising them or smudge it somehow..with professional help like Barbara's here some of them can get better and manage to have meaningful and somewhat happy relationships as many people are kind and compationate and will be willing to understand,love and support so it's not that bad. Hopefully!!!
Even a simple conversation becomes a competition of better word choices. Divan becomes couch. Next time I use Couch, he corrects me with divan. It’s an ongoing competition to prove he’s smarter. It is exhausting. Usually we never get anywhere near the point of why we’re discussing ‘one of the thing we sit on’ located in our OMG Front room? Living room? Parlor? 🤦♀️
@@TallKulWmn1 I have noticed that if I say a bad word (those that comes first to saying "excuse my French") a narcissist will shame me immediately (they probably use those words and spill them like a fountain ⛲ but they can while you can't). That's a great red flag for me. It's just an example; they will shame you for literally anything.
Yes... My ex always had to remind me that she made more per hour than I did, but i always brought home more... Every paycheck...I stopped explaining to her that I am on Salary not hourly after a while.... One time (toward the end when I had had enough) I just gave her a tiny little golf clap when she said it, and said, "congratulations." I WANTED to add in badly... "so do you need help with your car payment again?"... But, I refrained.
The passive aggressive behaviour was the destroyer of the relationship. Smirking, sneering, , sniggering, sighing, raising eyes at me. ALL the time. Drove me wild.
@@JohnSmith-lk8cy I like to think I’m an intelligent person but I never caught on to the behavior until after the fact when a friend said it sounds like she’s a narcissist. I dug deep and was able to grasp the behaviors but good examples were lacking. I watched several videos and the hair stood up on the back of my neck. She discarded me. It happened quickly. Like too quickly. Her behavior was very unusual and I couldn’t put my finger on it. I’m honestly embarrassed that I got duped for 16 years.
Yeah I met this guy at a party and he was creepily interested in “getting to know me” cause I suggested that I recently left a relationship or something so they wanted to “counsel me”, ofc they didn’t say any of these things but just to explain their attitude. I felt weird that they were pushing on a soft spot even though they were trying to “help me”. Saw the same person a year later and they didn’t even remember who I was at all lol and it all hit me then
@@yoeyyoey8937That man just wanted to know your "psychological passcodes" as Dr. Ramani calls it..aka your vulnerable points so that they know how to trigger and manipulate you. You dodged a bullet.
I was married to a covert narcissist for 30 years, then attracted boyfriend after boyfriend with the same traits. Finally, I stopped looking at them and started watching out for how they make me feel. If someone causes me to second-guess myself, I'm out. If they have a different persona in private, I'm out. Thank you for this. Spot on!
I've atyracted them all my life as well. I still do, although divorced 40 years & havent dated on 20. Narcs actually seek out people like you & me - giving, empathetic, kind, soft spoken, harwoeking, etc.
I married a covert narcissistic female 28 years before social media and internet Information Age she divorced me fast forward 28 years later to 2023 block and delete rinse and repeat Very miserable people.
Does anyone feel that covert narcissists are incredibly good at playing the victim? The slightest, most trivial mistake you make, and you are nothing better than the worst villain in their world, and you are in debt to them forever, and they won't accept anything less than your most sincere expression of guilt, better if you are to give up everything you have for redemption - But you mustn't make them look bad in the process. If you suffer you must make it look like that you deserve it, so that they are the only ones who look like the victim.
OMG. The pet-lover trait being a running theme w/certain narcissist types was eye opening for me. EX. Someone who "takes" in animals, preaches about their selfless-ness, knows "everything" about veterinarian-work (b/c a family member worked at a vet 🤷♀) YET behind closed doors allow the "saved" pets to live in pain w/rotting teeth, potty in the house, and complain about them. Apparently, I needed to vent. Thanks lol
Can confirm. The one I married was a regular Doctor Doolitttle, and she couldn't even be bothered to care for them, once they weren't shiny and new anymore.
I can confirm as well!!!!! I noticed this with my first narc relationship, and my second narc relationship. When I saw the parallels, my mind was BLOWN!!
A lot of people with animals who pull the dogs....or say they have 20 years experience or they say they are dog trainers, than I believe I know enough. First both things: nobody need to pull a rope when it's around the dog and the dog and dogs don't need a trainer, but people do! The manner how those people react even when you are very friendly and they get not nice AND you FEEL a wall, then they are absolutely not nice to the dogs, only you need to watch...that mean: to THINK for what you look at that mean: to ask questions for yourself..than you know they not treat the dogs right and if they pull hard or kick or scream to the dogs when they are outside, than those people are kind of crazy not countious, of where they are or they just don't care so in the house is maybe the all day cruel, terrible for the dogs because the people want their way immidiately and have no love at all.They not look at what the dogs need and to give that to the dogs.
I am/was a covert narcissist from a highly traumatised family. Its taken me over thirteen years of therapy and group work to first see and understand my own narcissism and then begin to heal the underlying trama. I can now see the how narcissistic behaviour patterns can be passed down generations as an extreme self defensive mechanisms in unsafe family environments. Without question, do not stay in any personal or professional relationship that is doing you harm. Sometimes it means cutting ties, at others setting pretty extreme boundaries (eg. minimal contact). But for those of us that as children needed to employ narcissist behaviour patterns to survive unsafe and toxic environments, healing is a real possibility with the right support and therapy.
Congratulations on all of the work you’ve done. Out of curiosity, was there an event that finally made you see that you had these behaviors? Getting a narcissist to see it is notoriously difficult and most won’t get treatment since they don’t think anything is wrong.
You will always have to stay in therapy I'm glad you have recognized it but you know it can't be cured. You can't say was a narcissist. You will always be one. Therapy is for life.
That is AMAZING!! Good for you!!! That takes so much strength and self-discipline and introspection for you to recognize and overcome that, and for that you are such a strong and remarkable person. I want you to know that it means you are an especially good person for the fact that you were able to recognize that and be so honest with yourself and others and work through it. Not many people have the strength that you have so congrats! Blessings to you
@@skibunny2257what a foolish statement. Psychology is a pseudo science … it can be beneficial but it has its limits. Look into the marketing of madness.
@@skibunny2257 citation needed. I refuse to believe this cannot be cured. Don't take the behavior of people who refuse to better themselves as proof people who are trying to better cannot succeed.
The truth and their narrative creative a crisis within. My sister was convinced she had started a million dollar company ( my mother actually did ). when confronted about the fact that she was 12 when the company formed, she went crazy, yelling and screaming for hours. Like a banshee. It was wild and scary. Within a year of " working" at this company it went out of business, after thriving for 3 decades . they are completely and utterly delusional.
We have to have email contact with a covert. When they deny something or lie, which is frequently in my experience, I just email them back proof, ie forward them their own email where they are contradicting themselves. We have kept them all for evidence if ever needed, you never know. When they see their own lies or vindictive words back at them in black and white, it does not go down well. It is like they have seen themselves in the mirror for the first time. Ironically, at this point they usually tell us not to contact them again! The best thing for me is that I don’t even have to say anything. They thrive on drama and attention.
Thanks so much for this. I'm a mature male and I grew up with a mother that I now realize was almost certainly a covert narcissist mom. What you have said here at 10:22 gobsmacked me particularly hard, and is so relatable. Since that's how my parent always behaved, I thought everybody made stuff up out of whole cloth about their "accomplishments" that were actually completely untrue in any way--and that most every adult was probably " false" , emotionally. That behavior got normalized for me to be around and see. Entirely sad. My covert mom also had the victim/martyr image thing you mention down pat. I'm subscribing today. Thanks again.
My mother and my only older sister are covert narcissists. They feed each other and they are accomplices. My mother's backhanded compliment to me: "Your hair is so beautiful! Why don't you wear it short (like hers)?" I lost the count how many times I've heard that. My mother is a victim/martyr too. She lost her father when she was 6 and they were very poor in Brazil. Probably it comes from that. Today she is a 84 year old widow and I live with her cause I am divorced and don't have kids. Actually, today she said that she thinks the elderly has to have a son/daughter living with them 24/24 (meaning I cannot have my own house till she dies). If I moved out I think she would "become sick" the next day cause illnesses has always been my mother's weapon of choice. I lost the count she became sick cause she wanted something from us. If I moved my sister would blame me for that (the same way she did when I moved out at 24), even though she lives in her own house with her husband. The worst part is that my sister knows all about the manipulation. We had an argument last year and my sister said "Oh, she is always sick". But she will take my mother's side when it suits her plans.
I was married to a covert narc for 14 years. It took me 13 to figure out. He did so much more mental damage than my previous husband who is a regular narcissist. 28 years spent with these crazy people. Then I figure out my mom is one too. I guess she set me up to think the craziness was normal. I’m running away from anyone with these traits.
I was programmed by mom. At thirty three years with husband who is covert, I’m very angry. God really supports me, since I feel like garbage. And I feel tricked.
It's a horrible almost loss of the final part of your innocence when you realise their level of existence is a thing, it crushed me at the time and I took it out on the messenger, this is not an uncommon response and has happened to me since until I learned to point the victim in the right direction but not lay the whole situation on the table. Outside of the usual porous boundaries thing children of Coverts develop work arounds as a survival strategy and a Narcissist finds these delicious. I would say to all children of Coverts, look for these work arounds, your almost instinct to be agreeable may be the signal these people latch on to. Say No, don't explain yourself and validate your feelings and expressions of them, if they are being petty and tedious show it, don't slap on a fake smile and massage the bottomless pit of an ego.
My experience too. Now I’m my seventh decade I’m happy to be rid of theses toxic people. I’m very distrustful of friendships too since being treated badly and accepting it.
I was with my X for 25yrs before I finally had enough. When I asked him to leave he told our sons, “Your mum deserves someone better than me!!” I thought I had married someone like my dad, because that was what my mum led us to believe, but in actual fact I had married someone just like her. When I eventually decided to sell the family home, due to burgeoning debt, I asked mum if she wanted me to move closer to her and my dad but she said to move where I wanted to. I settled on moving to the far north of Scotland as I could afford to buy a house outright up there. She then turned to my younger brother and complained that I wasn’t moving close to her. So he then challenged me on my decision and I told him she didn’t want me there. When he relayed this to her she denied having ever said that!! I therefore changed my plans and have regretted it ever since. My dad passed away 6months later and I have felt shackled to her ever since. If I ask my brothers for help I just get crickets. I wish I could move away but the money I had from the sale of my home has long since gone on rent. She’s 90 this year and I know I’d be racked with guilt if I move now and something were to happen to her.
Great job explaining this topic. Married to one for 23 yrs with 3 kids. She destroyed everyone in her path. Divorced now for 6 yrs and she is still a problem. Kids and I have nothing to do with her but her manipulation knows no bounds. She is a PhD Marriage & Family Counselor and a College Professor. Dangerous!
They seem to find a way to get in positions to continue to harm people or relish in their pain .. so incredible scary and sad. 😢 I’m glad you are free.
Most of them are in professions like that I know a psychiatrist that is possibly a narcissist and she diagnosed me with scizophective disorder cause that’s what she specializes in and I found out from reviews that she gave someone a bs diagnosis and turns out the lady had a tumor. lol! Lots of people in high power or authority figures are narcissistic
@@CynthiaAvaI was friends with someone whom I almost started falling for but then I realized something was off. She is an addiction counselor and spending some time with her I realized she is a complete covert narc.
26 years with a CoNarc wife. 1. Emotionally intense in the beginning and intermittently throughout 2. Extremely needy 3. Entitled to all my time 4. Never expressed regret for wrongs she had done to me 5. Blamed all of her shortcomings on others, mostly me 6. Never tried to improve herself 7. Self-deprecation was always just fishing for compliments 8. Appeared kind but socially awkward in public but insulted everyone she encountered in private 9. Rages accompanied by intense cruelty, insults and alternative accounts of how things happened 10. Everything she did was because someone else (typically me) put her in a situation to have to. This is reversing victim and offender. I've been out of the relationship since the end of April and I am still trying to remember how events really happened vs how she perceived them. I did everything I could for her and all she did was mock and ridicule me. I wasted so many years blaming myself for failing her when it was not humanly possible to please her. She never wanted to succeed because victimhood required no effort. She just needed me to be responsible for why she never had what she deserved.
I'm sorry you went through so many years with her. I recognize this type of behaviour from my mom growing up, and even became scared that this is who I would be too. The reality is that I became attracted to someone who had these traits, and I did have some myself, and really messed my mind up. I know I have done wrongs in my life and work to fix them and not blame others, but man is it a trip to live with people who don't do that and even try and convince you that you're the one in the wrong constantly. Trusting my own reaity and that I'm not trash has taken a long time and I'm still working on it. Hope you are recovering and finding good people to trust.
@y04a I'm better now after committing to walking away. At some point I'd like to see my kids again and help them understand what happened. As of now, she has them convinced I'm not providing for them and that I abandoned them, so they don't want to see me. Common tactic: I'm not providing for them but I'm paying all the bills and we still have a joint account. I abandoned them but she kicked me out and won't let me see them.
Great list, can confirm everything you've written happened in my story as well. I'm still on the fence about how much of this meticulous and long term undermining and destruction of another person is deliberate or just "instinctive".
@coinspeednews4703 I told my wife during one of our last fights that I knew what she was doing and my only hope was that she didn't realize she was doing it. I'm torn too. I don't want to believe that the person I loved and have been married to for over 2 decades could be that malicious. Yet, everything she's done since I figured her out has been calculated and fits all the models of how I expected her to behave. I'm not so certain anymore. It was always just easier to put it on me than to own anything. It seems second nature to them.
@@thegridrunner9976 There a quite a few fundamental concepts that they just can't comprehend. Things like love, respect, trust, equality (in terms of a relationship). Even though they can mimic these masterfully in the beginning. Otoh they think in terms of extremes, like allies and enemies, full compliance, etc. And once you deviate from the fantasy they have in their head about you, they treat that as absolute betrayal and you become a bad object, worthy of punishment and eventual destruction. My ex knew that something was wrong with her, but facing it caused such an intense feeling of shame, that "healing" was not an option. Instead she chose to destroy everything around her. Come to think of it, this was a choice.
It took me 14 years to catch my narcissistic wife. Of course, I didn’t know she was a narcissist back then. I didn’t even know what narcissism was. A part of me always knew that she wasn’t faithful to me. It was just that whenever I voiced my concerns or asked for some reassurance, there was hell to pay. She put me through a mental gauntlet of feigned outrage, moral indignation, gaslighting, and flipping reality on its head in order to make me the bad guy. She repeatedly set what little progress I had made in trying to have a good relationship with her, back to square one. She exploited my deepest desires-to have a good marriage and to keep our family together, by always keeping one foot out the door and threatening to leave. So, I learned to carefully pick my battles…. and worse. I learned to put the blinders on and to pretend that she wasn’t up to no good. I also learned to convince myself that I was the problem. And then one day, while she was at work, I decided to clean out the car. She had a nasty habit of treating the backseat like a dumpster. As I stuffed empty wrappers, bottles, and cups into a trash bag, I found an envelope with her name on it. Thinking it might be important, I decided to look at its contents before I threw it away. It was a letter from some guy who was clearly in love with her. He expressed how he wanted more from her than their secret rendezvous. There was no mistaking what he meant. Even though my heart was crushed, I regained my power in the very next moment. I drove to where she worked, and I angrily approached her. Her eyes fell on the letter in my hand, and her shoulders slumped in silent defeat. She quietly said, “I can’t talk right now, but I’ll be home in an hour.” “Good!” I replied. “I’ll be waiting!” Then I turned on my heel and stormed out the door. Now that the cat was out of the bag, she admitted the entire affair-including all the places where they would meet up. As difficult as that was to hear, I stood by, ready to forgive her. I was well-practiced in starting over from square one, and I eagerly waited for the opportunity to roll up my sleeves and to get to work. But she played the wounded victim as convincingly as Amber Heard, and she asked me to wait for two days while she decided what she should do. Of course, I said yes. Even though I had been married to her for 14 years, I still had no idea what I was dealing with. In the midst of that painful discussion, she was plotting her next move. It turned out that she needed two days to think because that’s when her boyfriend would return from his business trip. She wanted to be in a relationship with him, but when he refused to leave his wife for her, she decided to stay married to me. Of course, I didn’t know any of this at the time. I only knew that after two days, she decided to stay. Being the eternal optimist that I am, I saw this as an opportunity for a brand new start, and I convinced myself that we were finally going to have a good marriage. But she didn’t share my optimism, and it was obvious that her heart wasn’t in her decision to stay. We suffered together for another 2 weeks when she blamed me for her affair. That’s when I finally threw in the towel. We divorced on friendly terms, and we made all our own arrangements for custody and child support. We only needed a lawyer to draft and file the appropriate documents. The laws have changed since those days, and you can’t do that kind of stuff anymore. Anyway, during our many conversations to dissolve our marriage, she admitted lots of things that I didn’t know about-including the fact that she was never faithful to me. If I had understood narcissism back then, I would have handled things differently. I wouldn’t have put up with her mental abuse, and I would have left her years earlier. Additionally, If you suspect cheating or other forms of manipulation and need to gather evidence for your own peace of mind, you may consider reaching out for assistance. For more information, you can contact: MetaspyHub@gmail. com.
My mom is a covert narcissist. Her love of animals is very performative. From the outside she appears to take great care of her pets but in reality she’s extremely neglectful and yells at them constantly. Which is exactly how she treated me. Everyone thought I was well cared for but I was extremely neglected and constantly yelled out. And of course everything was my fault as a child just as she blames her pets for their bad behaviors instead of training them or recognizing their needs.
My mother left our little dachshunds in an above ground pool that was empty. It was sand on the bottom. Put them in there I. Florida in the summer with no water to drink. They died. I was 6 years old. She also let my cat out in a storm. The cat never came back. My best friend from high school new there was something wrong with my mother
I used to say my mom loved her dogs better than us but she never put the leg work into training them. She loved that the dogs gave her undying affection. Yet she screams at them when they don’t obey her and show normal dog behavior (like humping each other and sniffing private parts). She told me time and again as a teen that I was a lovely, obedient child until I turned 12 and “got a mind of my own.” 😅
yup...ive seen same...narc wants 2 only punish but not spend the time 2 properly train...stupid NARC IS clueless about how any 1 ELSE feels...including their more vulnerable victims/innocent little pet sweethearts deserve our all...they don't deserve punishment they deserve attention & training with patience...they R totally DEPENDANT on us and give us unconditional LOVE.
Exactly! When I told an acquaintance about the narcissistic abuse I had been subjected to, they pretty much blew it off-saying that I was simply dealing with a “high maintenance” person. Most outsiders have no clue about narcissistic abuse. Basically, I no longer share my experiences with anyone and instead focus on distancing myself from the narcissist in my life.
Narcissism is epidemic and I know some who are suffering from it, yet when I share videos with them about narcissism they don’t take it seriously. Every person on the planet needs to educate themselves because they are everywhere.
@@beaglerescue5281 It definitely is an epidemic. Not much we can do about them. We can only educate ourselves on how to cope and ideally cut them completely out of our lives, ASAP. And never stop learning about their disorder because they never stop being narcissistic. A ton of self care is always a good idea.
I dated someone I believe was a covert narcissist. Had all the traits. Silent treatment, deflection, passive aggressive behavior, little insults, no empathy. I only discovered this by watching videos on narcissism. Everyone else thought he was such a great guy but they didn't see the way he treated me and you are right about their behavior in a setting with other people. He always treated me great in front of others but it was a different story when we got home. He initially presented as quiet and shy and a so called nice guy.....not.
A covert narcissist is someone who craves admiration and importance as well as lacks empathy toward others but can act in a different way than an overt narcissist. When considering the behavior of narcissists, it might be hard to imagine how someone could be a narcissist and be inhibited in their approach and behavior. A covert narcissist may be outwardly self-effacing or withdrawn in their approach, but the end goals are the same. For example, this might be described as listening to your favorite song while blasting the volume, compared to listening to that same song on a low volume. The song itself hasn't changed, just the volume in which you are listening. Covert narcissists are only different from overt (more obvious) narcissists in that they tend to be more introverted. The overt narcissist is easily identified because they tend to be loud, arrogant, and insensitive to the needs of others and always thirsty for compliments Their behaviors can be easily observed by others and tend to show up as "big" in a room. When we think of an overt narcissist, we could say they demonstrate more extroverted behaviors in their interactions with others. Many people have fallen victim to the manipulative behaviors of a covert narcissist without realizing what has happened until they are already in emotional pain. It might be more accurate to suggest that the extroverted (overt) narcissist would be a lot easier to see coming than the introverted (covert) narcissist. It is not unusual for people to find themselves in long-term relationships with covert narcissists only to be hurt by a sense of a lack of partnership or reciprocity in the relationship The covert narcissist certainly craves importance and thirsts for admiration but it can look different to those around them. They might give back-handed compliments, or purposefully minimize their accomplishments or talents so that people will offer them reassurance of how talented they are. The overt narcissist will demand admiration and attention, where the covert narcissist will use softer tactics to meet those same goals. The covert narcissist will be much more likely to constantly seek reassurance about their talents, skills, and accomplishments, looking for others to feed that same need for self-importance. Shaming others is a wonderful tactic of the narcissist in order to secure their sense of an elevated position in relation to others. The overt (extroverted) narcissist might be more obvious in their approach to gaining leverage, such as explicitly putting you down, being rude, criticizing you, and being sarcastic. covert narcissists can take joy in creating confusion for someone they are interacting with. They may not engage in blaming or shaming, but instead, causing people to question their perceptions and second-guess themselves. Because their need for self-importance reigns supreme, covert narcissists will do whatever they need to do in order to keep the focus on themselves. So, where an extroverted narcissist will blatantly push you aside or manipulate you to accomplish their goal, the covert narcissist is a professional at not acknowledging you at all. In general, narcissists are not givers. They find it difficult to put energy into anything that doesn't serve them in some way. A covert narcissist might present themselves in a way that looks like they are giving, but their giving behavior is only demonstrated with the intent of getting something in return. A simple, everyday example could be something like putting a tip in the jar at your local coffee shop. A covert narcissist would be much more likely to put their tip in the jar when they know the barista is looking, in order to help facilitate some kind of interaction that allows them to be praised for giving. Additionally, If you need to uncover the truth about a cheating narcissist, send your request to *MetaspyHub@gmail.com* for discreet and effective assistance.
Hearing the signs of a covert narcissist is a lightbulb moment! I had to quit a job I loved because of a bad supervisor who I now realise is a covert narcissist. She has so many of the traits listed here. Lack of empathy, dishonest, undermining, falsely self-deprecating and humble (but has an enormous underlying ego), micromanaging and so on. It was extremely stressful and started to negativity impact my health. I’m glad I got out of that toxic environment. My advice to anyone who encounters a covert narcissist is to run! You can’t win with people like that. They aren’t normal and it’s not worth your mental health.
I see you had my former boss. She presented as charming and physically fragile. She was incredibly impressed with my journalism accomplishments and natural ability to write; used that as the basis for hiring me, then spent the next three months telling me I didn't understand how to turn an interview into an article and that my writing was sub-par. She would give me false deadlines further out than the real ones, then tear me down for missing the publication date. She'd give me half an hour to do two weeks of work, then tell me I should have started earlier. Anything that she was responsible for that didn't work out became my fault when she had to account for it with the CEO. She started demanding that I make a list every day to show her what I had actually done with my work hours. Mind you, I worked three hours a day, three days a week. That stupid list took up 1/6 of my productive time, and had the added benefit of making me feel like an idiot because the list never matched what she claimed she wanted me to work on (despite it being an account of what I had accomplished from the list she gave me when I arrived). This was a shared job, and I was constantly being unfavorably compared to the person who worked on my off days. We met years later and discovered our boss had been doing the same things to each of us. MWF I was garbage and she was amazing; TTh she was garbage and I walked on water! At the same time, this boss was bringing me ice cream after her lunch breaks, inquiring after my family's health, and asking me to tiptoe around a completely darkened office and take on extra duties because she had a migraine. When my seven year-old shattered her jaw in a bike accident and was in the hospital for six days, I took the week off. My boss accused me of not taking my job seriously. At the end of three months, I had a complete emotional breakdown and full-blown fibromyalgia -- and no job. I had excelled at every other job I'd had for 30 years, but this woman fired me for incompetence. I still believe it was because I had a friend in the CEO's office and had broken down to the point of sharing some stories about the monster I worked for. My friend never really believed me, having only seen the sweet side of the woman, but I know my boss felt I was endangering her carefully cultivated persona.
@@SouthCountyGal This boss sounds like Miranda Priestly from "The Devil wears Prada."..- and even you two girls working as her assistents going crazy trying to please her - just like the film/ book...
I had to quit after 17 career I loved, but my manager was a nightmare to work for. Same as what you went through and worse!!! I too got really sick! Just leave if you meet one!
@@SouthCountyGal Covert Narc of the 1st degree. Used you to sharpen her sadistic skills. Glad you got out and you just prolonged your life for an extra 20 years. You win.
A 'Covert Passive Agressive' does not do their own dirty work. They manipulate 'Others' into doing their dirty work. It is great that a video like this is available to help people.
Yes, I have a CovNarc who is using her 5 yr.old daughter and her new supply psychopath boyfriend to attack me bc I have been supporting the biofather , who lives in a cabin on our farm to get visitation and custody. In her very sick mind, she has upped the anty repeating the same SA allegations , ( did the same exact accusation 4 yrs ago w/other friend of father ) now we are 4 and 5 , against me and my husband stating dad knew and did nothing . This is an extreme measure to pursue serious criminal charges , by her malacious fabrication. This has shown me she will stop at nothing for the power and control and is a dangerous individual capable of anything to keep the upper hand.
That is what my father did, he was the nice guy and made my mother the punisher. This greatly affected my relationship with my mom, he also made my sister the golden child so I don't have a relationship with her because of lies my father would tell her about me. He has been dead since 2020. I am 58, and I am still dealing with the mental abuse he put me through.
Wow! My mom! I grew up with the idea that other people are never to be trusted. I don't expect anything from anyone so I don't get disappointed. She did a real good job making us kids think it was always our dad. After he passed a few years ago, my sister and I realized we couldn't stand to be around our mom and didn't understand why. We did some thinking and talking, then I came across some information on this subject and had to share it with my sister. It blew our minds that we made it to middle age before finally understanding what was actually going on, that it was our mom and not us. I can't express how liberating and healing it has been to figure it out. To this day I can only handle being around her for short periods of time.
We must share the same mom because she also installed in my sisters and I that we couldn't rely anyone but each other*. Even at the company we work at she warned me to be on guard because she supposedly didn't want me to get backstabbed. Yet she talks to everyone, even opening up to a quite a few people.
Similar story. I’ve gone no contact recently as nothing else was working and am too old for the drama. I’m sure there will be more drama eventually but for now I just can’t. Wishing you strength ❤️
yeah we're sisters. congratulations on staying non-emotional w the mother. It's kinda like enjoying a chocolate cake but knowing the chocolate is bad for us. It's so unfair. But yeah, better be safe.
Wow. My narc husband showed more affection to our cat than he ever expressed to me. I found myself feeling jealous of our sweet kitty! That’s when I realised that I had to get out of that emotional desert of a marriage.
Everybody loves my dad...soooo sweet, generous and kind. Always somehow suffers misfortune! People always betray him. But no one ever puts it together. My father is a covert narc. No one would ever ever believe me. He has done an excellent job of being the victim and i am a horrible person.
That describes my ex husband to a T. His parents think he’s so unfortunate to find all these women that hurt him so bad and leave. Little do they know their son is the abuser and he drives the women away. They wouldn’t believe me if I tried to tell them.
NPD exists on a spectrum. Everyone acts narcissistic once in a while, but They suffer from the disorder All of the time. They can't help it. It's a brain mis-wiring
My mom checks all the boxes. She is 89 and lives in an Assisted Living. I am the only child and the only one that helps her in anyway in the family. No one else pays any attention to her. She has me so fed up sometimes, I just want to abandon her. I won't, but that is how I feel. What a thankless job this is!
I am an only child, Mom is 94, she checks all the boxes as well. It;s finally started that I speak back to her now, but it is thankless, I agree with you! Good Luck!
@@paulaellis6242 I am in therapy and am starting to set boundaries. It is the only way I am going to live through the next several years (her mother lived to be 99). The last time she started to act up during a visit, I said "If you continue to talk to me this way, I am leaving." and I left. I do her laundry, I take her to the doctor and I get her prescriptions. I try to visit her for 1 1/2 hours each week. I am no longer calling everyday.
@@kathleenklein4231 You sound like me, my Mom lives 10 minutes away. I have also told her before, that if she continues on her awful attack on everyone and everything, I am leaving, Wow, she stopped, but it is such an emotional roller coaster. Best wishes from one that 'Get's' it. All the best....
Oh man im 20 years behind u. My mom's in her late 70s 80s not sure...(shes 39 apparently) and i just go there clean the fridge make sure everything is clean and safe and she wont trip over her rubbish and she will screetch at me because she has lost a scissors. Shes also a hoarder. And if u say anything anything...trying to be psiitive or soenthing she just tshuts down and sulks like a child...and so u cant talk to her about anything...she talks ans talks about people i dont know what shes on about.. and then if i speak she just looks at her phone... sigh. I alsso want to walk away but feel i cant. Maybe i will. Lifes too short. I can wait till shes 90 and help her then. Im so sick to my stomach with it.
This was 100% my mother. This comment in particular hit home: "You don't trust other people because you were raised by a person you couldn't trust." I took a Big 5 personality evaluation and scored zero on trust (part of the Agreeableness facet), which the person administering the eval said was the lowest he had ever seen. His comment, "Betrayal probably doesn't even hurt you anymore. You've come to expect it like the sun rising in the morning." Spot on.
I scored low on agreeableness too. I won't let these people walk over me. You need to test people to find out if they are narcissist early on rather than finding out months down the line. You can do that by disagreeing politely on something. I do it by choosing something different to drink or eat from them in the pub, cafe or restaurant.
The Smiling No Test : Wait for them to ask you to go somewhere or do something and then you politely decline. You remain smiling but you don't offer any explanation. It's very good at making the truth come out. Don't laugh but don't be mean either. Just keep the conversation going like no, I can't see you Sunday but call me Monday and we'll see, kinda thing. Usually that's enough to trigger them. Just make sure you don't say sorry. You're not sorry. You don't offer any reason, it's just a no.
@@lorimiller4301 it's a shame we have to test people by doing this when it's no biggie to go along with them. But when you do they move the goalposts and demand more. I have my own tests such as ordering something completely different from the menu in a pub or restaurant. They hate it when you refuse to mimic them. Sometimes I feel like I'm living in one of the more totalitarian Eastern European countries before the Iron curtain.came down worried that someone might betray you to the authorities. Because being with a narcissist can feel like being with a government informer at times.
It’s so strange because while dating a covert narcissist, I felt so guilty every time I sensed something was wrong. I’d always blame myself and perceive it as self sabotage. The love bombing, which was always publicized for the world to see, the bursts of anger which were always my mistaken interpretation , the self-aggrandizing lies, the “no, I did not say that”, and literally the “of course, I’ll take advantage of relationships to get what I want”, were all ignored because he was “such a nice guy.” This one time we were in the middle of a horrible fight and he was beyond aggravated until I mentioned: “I’ll tell every one we know about who you really are”. His entire demeanor changed and he switched into the nicest person in the world again. Just like that, like flipping a switch. And there we were, back together again. He made me realize that not all nice people are good people. Long story short, listen to your gut ❤
Absolutely. They like to start stuff then play the victim when they get in trouble. "Everyone is picking on me... I did nothing wrong." All the while threatening to call the police...
@@kenhart8771I lash out....yes, I'm guilty...but it's because of their insanity for lack of boundaries, gas lighting, blame shifting, Contradictions, hypocrisies and guilt trips. I was losing my mind. I can't maintain normal emotional control while being in the of insanity. It's nuts !!!!
@@clintonnagy1662But they want you to lash out. So they can point the finger at you and make accusations at you. You can't be around these people... If you think you might last out. You always need total emotional control. They want you to fall apart and explode so everyone can see your the problem, when really your the victim of their bullshit.
God bless you. My Mom demolished me. Hated my success. After six decades of recovery work, I am hitting gold (face the reality - it really did happen. My own mother who was supposed to support and help and teach me, leaving me strong and intact, not feeling beaten down and worthless and hopeless). I had no idea as a child. My precious UA-camrs have helped a lot!!!
Anytime I would show any happiness, My mom ask me if I was on drugs. Then I would get sad again. And no I wasn't on anything. They can't stand when you have any type of success, no person, no friend you ever meet is good enough for them. Everyone has flaws and she looks for them and complains about them.
I hear you. My childish mother was jealous of me from the time I was a child. She could hide it at times but other times her jealousy came out spontaneously. Creepy little girl. 😮
I married into a narcissistic family and learned slowly what covert narcissism is all about. I wish I understood it back then because I had to uncover what I was dealing with over time. When I first noticed a few odd behaviors, I was simply told that the person was "overbearing and domineering." Peeling back the onion over the first 5 years was super disturbing. I keep a very detailed journal of my life in general so I have been able to put together pieces of behaviors and incidents over time to see the pattern. I had never heard of the attention to the dogs more than children before, but that is also ringing some bells for me in this particular relationship. Thank you for such great content. So insightful!
I'm glad for you that you kept a journal. I wish I had. Trying to bring up the things I had to bury and forget has been difficult. There were too many years to be able to sort it all out. I lack so many points of reference so it is difficult to remember the way things happened.
@thegridrunner9976 I send my backup to our home network. Also to the "cloud" into two programs. Ones encrypted, my 3 adult sons have all my passwords AND my backups 😅
I married into a family with a covertly narcissistic parent as well, but having been raised by an overt narcissist I only thought that this person pissed me off due to their lack of boundaries. I just assumed this person was a spoiled brat who had never been reined in. It took years to realize that it wasn't a matter of indulgence; the family survived by acquiescing whenever possible, hunkering down when the storms struck, and hitting a mental reset button after the storm passed. This person once turned to my husband in front of me and said, "I told you years ago you should've taken away her parental rights. You didn't listen to me." Thanks to the reset button, my husband has no recollection of this! We would visit my in-laws and have a difficult time, talk about it on the way home, and as soon as we hit the state border, he would turn to me and the kids with a cheerful smile and say "wasn't that a great visit? When can we go back?" We would all stare at him like he had three heads. And as I'm typing this, I am struck by the realization that there is another covert narcissist in this family, the one ostracized by the narcissistic parent and backed up by their enabler. Suddenly, this family dynamic makes more sense.
I married into a narc family as well. My sil and mil were described to a T in this video. I’ve been no contact for 3 years and it’s one of the best decisions of my life and saved my marriage.
@@munequa81 I drastically restrict my time with my in-laws. We have always limited the access they had to our children as well, and when they were old to make their own decisions about visits my husband and I backed our kids' boundaries. Your grandkids are not obligated to stay in your presence while you pick on them and demand they be servants. If you've showered them with gifts they don't "owe you" love and gratitude. If you go into their suitcases and wash their laundry while they're not around, they are not required to fall all over themselves with undying gratitude for your martyrdom. They don't have to hide who they are and keep quiet while you say awful things to them. They can rock your boat as wildly as they are comfortable with, and they are justified in avoiding your venom as much as they need to. My MIL will tell the world she dotes upon her grandchildren. She did, until they turned into actual people with opinions. The minute my younger daughter (who strongly resembles her) hit puberty, MIL relentlessly competed with her and picked on her appearance. That girl looks like a goddess, btw. When my older daughter transitioned, she went from pampered boy king to persona non grata. After years, MIL still calls her by her birth name and gender and tries to blame it on being too old to learn new things. This despite her having publicly said all the usual supportive LGBTQ things when my daughter came out. Nope, nope, nope. Our kids have the right to escape our childhoods.
The fake empathy is how I spotted this narcissist I had to room with. It's so subtle, and it took me a while to notice. The sudden change when they think the social engagement is done is where I noticed. It's like he didn't know he needed to keep his mask on until I was gone.
@@deborahcurtis1385YESSS! My sister is the same way , when I’m crying or talking about something I’m ashamed on she makes this disgust look. I’m so glad I can diagnose these people now, it makes me feel less crazy. Cuz they will paint you as the problem and manipulate you
This was a great video on Coverts. A good indicator is if you begin to have self esteem issues during or after time spent with them. It’s not NORMAL to feel that way. Pay attention. Thanks 😊
one of the things that took me for a while about ex covert narc who was sadistic and paranoid when i spent time with her or talk to her on the phone i used to feel bad and tire
THIS! Some of my signs are feeling anxious, wondering if I did something wrong, and replaying conversations in my head. People in narc forums are so justifiably afraid of winding up with another narc (me too!), but paying attention to how WE feel makes things so much easier. We don't have to stick around to confirm if someone is a narc if we just honor our right to spend time with people who make us feel good. People who haven't been abused understand this intuitively.
My self esteem took a big hit in my last relationship. The guilt trips, blame shifting, and gas lighting tactics wore me down. I questioned my own worth. It was 18 months of that crap. Hopefully I'll regain my value and move on. I dont want to suffer another one of these relationships again. Its a blackhole to hell.
Exactly right. B4 i met my ex i was vibrant, confident and for the most part pretty happy go lucky. About 2 months into the relationship(living together) my confidence went down. She started pointing out every flaw of mine which most were her own self projections which I didn't realize at the time. Nothing I did was ever good enough and felt like a complete failure as a man by the end. I'm just now starting to feel like myself again after 8 months apart. I very was naive b4 I met her(always wanting to see the best in people). I didn't know sadistic people like this that existed and could actually hide it so well and manipulatie you into thinking your the problm.. I would have given my life to try and bring her peace and happiness, and I was nothing but an object to her. I pity people like her though . I can't imagine the pain they feel inside to wanna treat people like this. It's heartbreaking, especially when you truly loved them. Most painful experience of my life but with a silver lining. Taught me 2 things; Self Love and forgiveness. I'm a better man because of this🙏❤️🩹
My mother down to a tee! I went no contact with her after her last outburst / attack early July! It was really difficult at first but then it gets easier! I’ve seen her twice (at funerals she didn’t expect me to attend) there was no communication! I kept my head held high and I felt very proud of myself. She is who she is and I now understand that her ‘demons’ are not my priority or problem!
I have been wrestling with the fact that I had to cut ties from my brother, who is also a covert narcissist. I can’t imagine cutting ties with a mother. You must be very strong. I was raised by a narcissist, grandmother, and then she had a stroke and her personality completely changed, so that was interesting, but to cut ties with family has been difficult. Takes a lot of strength but the peace is next level so it makes it worth it.
The whole gossipping about everyone wearing down one's faith in humanity definitely happened to me. My narcissistic mother would always give me high praises in public for minor things, yet in private treat me as a friendless, underachieving loser. In addition, whenever she'd talk behind one of her friends' backs, I just knew that this was how she talked about me to others. I ended up thinking all women were like this and it led to a genuinely sexist streak in me that I've been eager to correct. The first step involved... just talking to other women and realising the vast majority are sane. Simple, but necessary lol
@@SardonischerDeanit’s probably more telling of something with you, that you attract insane women over and over. That’s that pattern that requires work. Keeping that mindset won’t help you at all you will just settle for insanity bc you think “they’re all that way”. That is a you problem.
They are good at stabing you in the back!!! I am a survivor of their abusive behavior and they did not destroy me! I have seen their masks fall, and it is pure evil. Walking away from them was easy but leaving my empathetic mother was hard.
3 counselors told me my sister is a covert narcissist..a red flag was her response to my request for some help with our aging mother ,she said she couldn’t help and that I was making her feel bad to ask….( she is quite wealthy, can easily fly anywhere anytime ,and does not work but has no time to help) .
That bit at the end about animals was spot on. My mother (who exhibits a plethora of narcissistic traits) has quite a fondness for animals, dogs and cats alike. The only cat she doesn't like is my cat Charlie, who is shy and skittery (all of my cats are rescued strays and ferals), and so he hides and hasn't warmed up to her. It took me well over a year of patience and consistency to slowly tame him, and now he can't get enough love, but only from me. Rather than understanding things from his perspective and empathizing with his wariness, she simply doesn't like him for the exact reason you mentioned....he isn't giving her the adoration she thinks she deserves. Going to watch your vid on narcissistic moms next, thanks for sharing!
The covert husband is very good at making you look like the covert narcissist. They force you into their behaviors if you don’t know what you’re dealing with. Having a covert mom set me up for more pain and anguish than I knew.
@@sine8811 That is a loaded question there. I've observed that people tend to see negative traits more in whatever political leaning doesn't align with theirs. It's a human thing. I've seen narcissistic traits in politicians of all persuasions. All the more reason to be careful, just because someone is on the same page politically with you doesn't mean they're not a narc. We tend to see people with whom we agree through rose colored glasses. Kind of like when we fall in love with someone who love-bombs us. Politicians are masters at love-bombing, anything to get your vote.
This is 100% my last boyfriend. The worst part is that everyone thinks he is a great man. Yet, I was on the receiving end of his psychological and emotional abuse.
Same here. The one I was with was a serial cheater. He then proceeded to rewrite history and say he is the victim of all of his Exes ever. He owns a gym and all his bro followers are an echo chamber when he decides to put down all his exes
The confusion you experience while with a covert narcissist is indescribable. I've had boyfriends that were abusive but it's just so different. CN are so convincing that not only will the things they do break your heart but it completely throws u off because it's something u can't even picture them doing. If that makes sense. They make u believe they are a certain kind of person not capable of doing the things that your ex's did or what would hurt u most. That's what's so confusing then they blame u somehow because it's always your fault. I have been with a covert narcissist for 10yrs. No matter how many times I have been through the cycle or seen him rage I still can't picture it when he is love bombing me. Its the craziest thing. I guess everyone is different but for me the constant state of confusion is the absolute worst and most abusive part. But there are plenty other ways they abuse their partners… Withholding and silent treatment. You feel like your going to explode inside. Mine does this so I freak out and then he can blame me for the argument. Physically abusive. When a CN feels trapped they will do anything they can to regain that power and control. Or take something from you what u won't give them. Sexually abusive. Blaming u for watching porn, sex shaming u, withholding sex, having sex with u while your asleep. Blaming you for everything. Blaming you for having to blame you! Additionally, That feeling when your partner cheated and you don't have the courage to leave him / her so you just death with the pain and live everyday asking questions about your worth. This pain is different from the cheating one_living and seeing him everywhere anticipating when he or she do it again. The best thing is to hire a private investigator Barryinvestigation@gmail. com to help you spy on their cellphone remotely just like he did for me...
Sex with you will YOUR ASLLEP ( NOT ABLE TO CONSENT) IS RAPE yes a partner can & does rape your body knows it is rape I've been there I confronted the person multiple times and they laughed I was their wife I had no where to go WHT WAS I GOING TO DO??? I'm not in tht situation now but it sounds like the person is thts bad I feel for you deeply seek help almost anything is better then constant screaming and then the you don't exist treatment then the RAPE a studio is better then where you are you need peace your soul is tired I wish you nothing but calmness in the future
Thank you for reminding me of what normal, sane, emotionally healthy people are. We are a family trying to heal from the deep discard of a covert narcissist. Our only worth was as props & to hear his bitter resentment & jealousy of others. He lacked any empathy for us, his family. Yet he presented himself as a highly personable, empathetic mentor in his career. Our praise & attention never provided the CAREER & EGO GLORY he sought. It was like living in black & white to witness such changes in character. Surely nobody outside of our home would ever believe THE TRUTH we lived with. Our children could watch videos of their father publicly mentoring others with great care & attention IN FRONT OF THE CAMERA on UA-cam. He never spared time for his own children like that, ever. We were there to serve a man with no conscience & a hollow soul.( lacked any REAL depth of love for anyone )
Sounds like a typical passive aggressive two faced bastard She was the same ua-cam.com/video/buWKu14q-sw/v-deo.html Her discard was deliberately acute of course.
That must have been so painful for the children. And for you that you and the children have been the only ones who could always see the difference between the fake and the truth and to know that no one outside could believe it. Stay safe and keep healing. It's unbelievable how this personality disorder is recognizable through different countries, cultures and languages. I remember all partners of my dad always saying the same about him: Jekyll & Hyde, split personality, why he keeps behaving us much worse than anyone random outside?, etc.... I liked them always more than my own dad. I left home and told police once I don't wanna be with him anymore. I was 14. Such a silly childish act. I couldn't explain them anything. I didn't know how. And not one close sane family member could do anything about that. Even the adults were totally cought in his nets full of lies, manipulations and threats. Each of them had to do his or her best to keep at least self in safe. And some failed anaway. My father is an advocate, unfortunately. The only who always kept silence about him was my mum. I am convinced now, more than ever in my life, she payed for this the highest price. Her imune system failed totally after more than 10 years of psycho terror caused by him. The illness went so quickly. She died 1 year after the diagnose. I am 43 and still alive.
Wow. I lived 21 years with a spouse who hits every single point. Through every single year of our marriage I was on the defensive as her and I constantly circled the question of what was wrong with me. The whole time I also wondered why all my friends, family, and co-workers, one-by-one, all stopped associating with me. It was only after the marriage ended I slowly began to discover the outrageous lies that were told. It was only in counseling that I began to see the truth of the mental manipulation and emotional gymnastics, and gain the strength to get out.
Same happened to me, all by the same playbook. You'll spend years trying to get back the person you were, and lost, while you were married. Marry a good women and you'll be happy for life, marry a covert narcissist, and you'll become a philosopher.
My experience being with a covert for 2 years and engaged was a blessing. As awful as it was, It exposed the things I needed to look at in myself. Why I allowed it, why in my gut I knew what was happening but still accepted it. They prey on a particular type of person. That’s where we come in. A lot of times people get out of these relationships and find out what the hell that was and often overlook the things about themselves that allowed the narcissist make their way into our lives. It’s not that there’s something wrong with us but we are in an unhealthy emotional state to put up with obvious abuse. I was a shell of myself mentally and physically at the end of it. I sucked at setting boundaries, no self esteem, lacking confidence, didn’t love myself, self doubt, and so on. It’s the hardest thing to admit these things about ourselves. But it’s necessary if you want to attract good in your life. Your have to be honest with yourself. My advice is to avoid the victim mentality after this. It’s completely understandable and I mean no judgement to how anyone tried to pull themselves up after this. You’re hurt and it’s valid and nobody deserves that. You deserve better than what was given to you and I hope you find it in yourself first so the right people can come into your life. This is regarding a romantic relationship that one has choice to be in, not a child with a parent or something where the person is born into it. I couldn’t imagine enduring this for a whole childhood. Another year in it and I might not be here so my heart hurts who deals or dealt with this.
I grew up w mom being this way and then all of my relationships up to now. I'm only just realizing I was never living for myself. I'm not familiar with myself and my own desires and joy, but I'm learning!!!
I've had a covert narcissist friend whom I've had a crush on. It's scary how much it sounds like you're talking about him directly, like you knew him personally the way that I did.
If it looks like a duck and walks like a duck..YOU BETTER RUNNNNN AND RUN FAR AND FAST!! Save yourself a lifetime of hurt..USE YOUR HEAD AND NOT YOUR HEART!!
I liked that you clarified that passive aggressive behavior doesn’t always need to come from a manipulation. I had a friend in high school who was very passive aggressive. She was never manipulating though! It stopped right away when I told her it was more than fine though not want the same things and that the friendship we had should have room for both our voices. She came from a home with a very controlling father, and had little to nothing to say about different things when around him. Her passive aggresive behavior came from frustration and also being scared of speaking her mind, while feeling a need to be more active in different social settings outside of the home. I have no doubt it would have gone sideways if I had been upset at her or tried to change her behavior in negative way.
@@thunderousapplause Yes, say that again!!! The writer above wrote "Her passive aggresive behavior came from frustration and also being scared of speaking her mind". This alone should be enough to detect the intention to manipulate in order to get the desired outcome, since speaking her mind would have made the writer accept or reject whatever it is that the "friend" wanted.
I had a psychiatrist who was a covert narcissist. He gaslit me and accused me of lying about everything including being Autistic. I hate that I ever trusted that man or throught he had an ounce of confidence. When the back handed compliments, passive aggressive behavior turned into storming out of sessions, never apologizing, and abrupt resignation for some other more very serious mistakes. Everything I said was interpreted as some secret slight toward him, "you are just trying to make me feel stupid" or "stop trying to impress me" were common replies. When I was diagnosed with a rare and painful blood disease by another Doctor he absolutely lost his mind and accused me of everything in the book even though I never asked for a Dx. I never felt so betrayed.
@@ShaareiZoharDaas I completely agree. The saying 'hurt people hurt people' and 'healed people heal people' rings true. If I psychologist or psychiatrist hasn't dealt with their own traumas they are more bound to hurt others. If they have addressed their own trauma in a healthy manner then they are more likely to be a vehicle for healing.
@@ShaareiZoharDaas Yeah…I was assigned a new resident physician every 8 weeks (teaching hospital rotation) and I met some VERY unhealthy people that were either PA’s or residents…I won’t go into details but that got out of hand as well. I’m not trying to judge but when your personal issues start effecting patients in a very bad way you need to get help yourself
@@calvinfinney5083 Yeah this guy was clearly unhealthy had admitted to having a heroin problem that only stopped because it got expensive. I’m really not trying to judge but i can’t imagine not doing drugs only because they are expensive. Spent my whole life loving therapy as it helped me grow so much but this experience was traumatic af. Unfortunately I actually have a lot of empathy and that combined with trauma means I sort of attract damaged people and stick with them far longer than I should. I respect people who can learn and grow and turn it into something they use to help others but as soon as you start projecting your issues onto me and sort of falling off the wagon it’s not okay
My mother is a full blown narcisst and extremely cruel with people, specially those who should be the closest and most beloved ones... while at same time she's ok with animals and even owns a dog. She used to say "people who love animals are good people" and "I LOVE animals, much more than people" and things like that, now I got why.
I used to groom dogs and so many of our customers met these criteria. They loved their dogs more than their children and were proud to tell you so. It was an eye-opener
I take it, pets are most times easier to control and they love control. Royalty to their pets in their own little worlds. Most pet owners- nothing like Narcs of course.
@@jhavajoe3792 Spot on, for the dog narcisstic owner is a literal god and he loves it. Beside what helps greatly is dog's personality - they're very dependent and easily bonding animals. The owner is everything for them, even if treats them badly, that's why they love dogs so much. That shit won't pass with eg reptile pets or even a cat, so they prefer their ultimately submissive and loyal canine.
@annabeauty7084 yeah, I agree it's something to look out for if a person mainly wants worship from their pet and stuff like that. But a lot of us just enjoy that dogs are non-judgmental, affectionate, and spontaneous. My dog reminds me to live in the moment every day. (He's a handful lol) 💜 A lot of people also enjoy caring for pets. Being responsible for a pet means you have a reason to get out of bed every day, so it's wonderful for managing depression!
As a victim/survivor of many Narcissists,particularly IN my family! I have developed "Narc-dar", an inner warning system for recognizing these types! I may not always be right, but at least I'm forewarned to be on guard.
@@soberanisfam1323 no. most likely it goes like this: Barbara equipped with a psychology PhD discovered that YT business is even more profitable than clinic work because for each page of DSM V she could make literally 1 mil views from gen M/Z teenage souls (although most of them are in their late thirties) validating them in thinking they are victims of a truly sick world. so no, 99.9% of the folk here have no narc, no bipolar, no etc and their families, friends, bosses are ok or at least no more a-holes than most people. -)
It’s WAY more than 10% of the population. In my life of dealing with one and divorcing that same one, I have three of five friends who have done the same because of the same! One friend is in her third divorce from one. That’s a very high percentage I do understand there is a data collection difference between official diagnosis and having the characteristics. Bottom line: Narcs do not get appropriate help, nor a formal diagnosis.
Yup, yup, yup. Co-workers are a HUGE under mentioned population. Especially CLEAR after working 2-3 jobs for 20+ yrs and THAT BEHAVIOR was more prevalent than not...then ADD longe term friends & OMG don't ever forget about neighbors! ...it's almost like being surrounded & suffocated by mental illness on ALL fronts...after you begin healing and several yrs IN you realize the Level of TOXIC in just your small little world
Well there are people with narcissistic behavior, habits, or have phases and moments of dishonesty and then they are people who live whole lives that way. Just because we can live so much in our ego sometimes doesn’t makes use full blown narcissists
Narcs can tell when someone was abused and isn't aware yet. Often times it starts with a narc parent or parents. They don't teach boundaries because they want to break yours, so someone else who does, can tell you don't have them. Once I realized what I was dealing with it all fell into place.
My beloved mom was a covert narcissist, and I didn't even realize it until she was in her last years and I was taking care of her. She was constantly triangulating--she would try to come between my husband and me, my daughters and me, my grandkids and me. She would talk to me about them, and vice versa. If I bought something for myself, she was angry if I didn't be the exact same thing for her--even if she didn't need it. She loved playing the martyr. She tried and tried to get me back into the bashful, insecure child I had been. When I set boundaries, she called every member of her family and told them how lonely, how neglected, how she hadn't had breakfast yet even though it was soooo late (she had), on and on. Very difficult to deal with. She has passed on and I miss her. How I wish, though, that I had understood her psychological issues when I was much younger.
My dear mom turned 70 this year and I've been living abroad since 4 years now and I realized lately she suffers from Covert narcissistic personality disorder. I too wish I had learned even thou I knew something was wrong. I basically went grey rocking before realising it was a thing, I actually felt it was what I needed. When I discovered it I felt reborn and like I could be happy again but as soon as I restarted sharing my stuff in a couple of occasions I had nightmares and bad stuff happening to me. It's shocking how even from distance, they can cause this.
Barbara i have honestly never seen a video that nails it as much as this one. The bit at the end about the dogs...i was already impressed but my jaw hit the floor. So accurate, i feel like maybe it's not in my head for the first time. Thank you
THANK YOU for mentioning the dog topic with regard to narcissists. I’ve been saying for years that narcissists love their dogs because they worship them at their feet no matter what; even if the narcissist abuses them, their dogs will show them love & devotion. From my experience, narcissists tend to hate cats. Why? Because you actually have to EARN their love & affection. Entitled narcissists can’t vibe well with that kind of feline energy.
I'm not keen on cats but adore dogs, and now wondering if I'm a Narc 🤔😮 I love many animals and keep house rabbits and you have to earn their trust, love and affection Because rabbits are a prey species (unlike cats and dogs, both predator species) it takes a more deliberate investment on your part to build a relationship with a rabbit. A rabbit may start out as shy, afraid, very independent, or hesitant to trust you. It takes deliberate action on your part to build trust and mutual understanding with these sensitive, intelligent prey animals. We've huge bonds with our rabbits and hope that means we're not narcs 🐇🐇 despite my not being keen on cats
Whoaaaa I always thought to myself that my ex-husband loved his 2 Doodles more than me. He cared about them sleeping in the bed more than he cared about me detesting it. That was an early warning sign. Next time I’ll take it as the red flag that it is.
Thank you for this insightful video. With my covert narcissistic mother, it’s pets in general. She can be so kind and loving when it comes to our cats, but can be so unfeeling and unkind to the human being (namely me, her punching bag!). She checks ALL the boxes of a covert narcissist, and excessively indulges in the “humble brag.”
Your mother is only OVERLY kind towards your cats because, she wants YOU to feel LESS than they are! Don’t fall for her tactics but, if you already have… just know you’re worth MORE than what she’ll ever be able to provide for you!!! Peace and Love, my friend! 🙏🏽❤️🌻
My mothers theme she pushes that I’ve just figured out when cleaning up another damned mess she allowed to happen…poor sweet old lady with two crazy kids that are out to get each other…and then does this back and forth thing with me and my siblings…telling me they’re out to get me and telling them I’m out to get them…so now my siblings that take after her are on a war path I’ve learned…they’ve sabotaged every relationship and friendship I’ve had..the ones who tried sticking around always end up leaving because they start getting attacked by my family..,but I’m the crazy one for getting upset when I lose yet another friend or a job or my neighbors start targeting me based on what my family says about me…they even had my dog taken from me..
I remember being with a new friend, who seems to compete with me, in appearance. But the thing that turned me off, was how she treated a poor lady who approached us for money. She insulted the woman over and over and continued to criticize the woman afterwards. I couldn’t believe how cruel she could be. I decided to put a hold on getting close to this person.
Most women are self centered, lying, cheating, nasty. Good luck finding a woman with the values women are supposed to have. I'm glad you are able to walk away! Most men are trapped with these psychotic women. Good luck to you.
Yes yes yes!!! My friend always told me that I didn't have any empathy because ' You don't understand me' as she'd quote. And the thing is she would tell me how empathetic she is and I believed her until I wasn't sure anymore of how to describe or define her and her personality. I was confused because she's an animal lover and has cats and dogs as pet but when it comes to children she doesn't like them, as she'd put it ' children are annoying they're alway cry and whine '. And when it comes to people who for the lack of a better word belongs to lower grade job or lower in status she'd just act look upon them and show no respect and also avoid any form of communications, even if they help her she'd never acknowledge or appreciate or or just be cordial for their help, she treats them as commodity by just paying them back in cash, that's all.
Thank you for all of your videos. My mom was a covert narcissist. It’s actually playbook. This knowledge has helped me so much to heal and know it wasn’t me. I was a child.and YES my mom loved her dogs. I thought she definitely liked them way more than me.
Thank you! Most of the videos I’ve looked at about covert narcissism give examples that are way more blatant than my former “best friend” who I have been distancing from once I realized the hit the relationship was making to my health. This video was very validating and helped me understand the situation.
Hands down one of the best videos to explain Covert Narcissist, my ex boyfriend was one and it took me a long time to figure it out but boy I was so confused. He checked everything you point out. So scary and I’m so grateful that I got out of that so fast. It is extremely damaging to self esteem it hurt me deeply that I had to be so firm to cut contact when I feel so much In my heart he knew that and kept pushing so sad
Explained my mother to a T. And she went to extremes! Its amazing how you grow up in this environment and think this is normal until you see other family dynamics. Alot of damage was done, I've gone no contact and am now in a much healthier place in my life, Mentally and physically
You are truly the first person who has absolutely 10/10 nailed it. You understand exactly what the covert narcissist I was dealing with is like, you described every stage I was exposed to with her throughout a couple of years... Their level of insecurity and jealousy is elite level of disgusting. The most cold & shallow human beings to walk the earth. They LOVE your pity. Everything is about THEM! Everything!! 🤢🤮 God help heal these sick humans. 🕊🛐
The animal thing really hit me. Our family had horses. The horses ate before the rest of us. We were damn near homeless because of these horses. One dare not criticize the horses, or else!
The same. Plus my father is an alcoholic so there is the alcohol that is first on his list, than the amount of horses he is not able to sustain and then there is the terrible family who "left him all alone" with poor him and his poor horses that he still keeps reproducing although they're in a terrible state.
Same! My mom would love on her dog like it was her baby…. I remember feeling that I wish I was the dog or I wish I could feel that kind of love from her….
😮Oh😮my😮goodness!😮 This is not one of the more common discussions even though I believe that it is commonly experienced. I actually believe it is experienced far more than what people realize because many of those rodeo/horse families are rotten to the core, often times the parents & children involved can be very egocentric and narcissistic (probably diagnostically so) The extreme competitiveness. The push for perfection the push on their children to succeed so they can vicariously succeed through their children garnering more attention and praise. Some of those rodeo people are beyond fanatical…they’re nuts. My experience was not the rodeo crazy narcissistic environment though as those types often require a certain amount of wealth to procure the coveted breeds & to pay the entry fees, the travel fees and the trailers to travel etc My experience was my dad had dreams of owning a ranch and we had anywhere from 15 to 29 horses at a time. Always . My dad had been in a work related accident that had rendered him legally paralyzed, even though he could still walk & pretty well do everything they couldn’t get a doctor to sign a release so he lived on $1200 a month from Social Security and him and my mom had 9 kids in total 7 were living at the house as the other two were older. My mom could never keep a job- combination of my dad sabotaging it, and her inability to be a reliable employee because we never were able to keep running vehicles for any length of time and all the stress she would often be unavailable or we would call her work nonstop and so she could never keep a job so we were basically a family of anywhere from 9 to 11 people living on $1200 a month with 15-30 horses and those horses came above and before everything else…the horses needed hay. If they did get money, it would be spent on things like a horse trailer, but no truck to pull it. My dad was very narcissistic, and I sometimes wonder if my mother was not a covert narcissist, I believe that her intentions were true most of the time, but I also watched her manipulate the people around her. She was always a victim and people were always helping her and she would never admit it, but I think she used my dad‘s abuse and our struggles and poverty as a means of garnering sympathy and attention from others, but also as a means of surviving, because people would give her things and do things for her, because they felt bad for this woman with all of these children anyway, my point was that the horses were fed before we were, and that’s a tough way to live and I am sorry you went through that.
Sometimes the “I do everything for everybody else” is an actual fact of those who are extremely empathetic and compassionate…those whose kindnesses have been taken for weakness (over and over again) by narcissists/users. This includes being a safe place to fall (a listening ear) for family and acquaintances. HOWEVER, when the kind and compassionate ones need a shoulder to cry on or a listening ear, they’re met with quick brush offs like “You’ll get through it, you’re strong” or “this too shall pass”. They often have NO ONE around them who’s emotionally intelligent enough to be present with them when they’re experiencing real/serious life challenges. Narcissistic people are shallow and cannot face or handle their own emotions, let alone hear (or care) about those of others.
Thank you for saying this. I try my best as others to be empathetic and kind and it sometimes feels as if it gets thrown out the window and brushed aside. This is how I feel with my family but mostly my mother. Then she’ll toss me aside with her having it worse than me and everyone else. I believe myself and others in my family are terrified of her at times and she doesn’t understand why.
@@katierucker2870 You're welcome, love. And it may be that you just naturally ARE very empathic and kind - not actiually having to "try your best" to be that way (at least, that's the way I am...and sometimes I have wished that I weren't). I'm sorry you and your family are on the receiving end of your mum's pain and I hope that she is somehow, in some way gains some awareness - a true realization - as it will bring her relief as well as you all, her family, which deep down I'm sure she wouldn't want to have any estrangement from or resentment for when it comes time for her to drop the body. Hurt people DO hurt other people...sometimes they truly cannot help it because the ego mind (which is what they identify with/as most) is too proud to address the REAL/underlying issues that they're struggling with and they usually won't ask for help, not even from the people who they THINK they can trust. They're like frightened children who FEEL utterly unworthy of love and kindness (though they definitely do WANT love), simply lashing out and throwing tantrums. It's sad. So many days, weeks, moths, years, decades...in excruciating emotional pain. I wish there was an eraser of sorts that would allow me to just erase all of their pain/traumatic thoughts and memories away. Warmest regards and best wishes for you and your family in the coming year and onwards. Peace and Love (XOX!), Renée
I was deeply betrayed by a covert narcissist who I thought was my best friend. She stabbed me in the back, lied to the other pastors and a pastor's wife about me (hubby was an unpaid assistant pastor at our church). They believed her and thought badly of me without verifying anything they were told. At a meeting with the other pastors and her, my husband and I were stripped of all our church positions and told to leave the church, as a result of all the unverified stories she told about me. 💔 She claimed to care for me but didn’t come after me or apologize for what had happened to me and my husband. No remorse. That episode crushed me and left me confused. What you just described here was her. A covert narcissist. Charming, always the victim, but really the perpetrator.
@rivkaruthgolan It was. I literally had PTSD for quite a while, and for many years afterward, trusted no-one to be close friends with. I've had a few very long medical and situational "time outs" since then (it will be 13 years on July 4th--yes, July 4th). During those isolated "time outs" I was able to safely unpack all that baggage privately with God and deal with it little by little. In the years since, I have read lots of articles and books, watched many UA-cam videos, listened to podcasts, etc. These have given me words and concepts I didn't have before so I could properly process things and have a framework of reference. I am so grateful I've had these resources come my way. I've now healed enough that I can again open my heart and make friends at our new church. I love and celebrate who I'm becoming. I have emotional skills to ward off the bad stuff in people instead of getting sucked in.
It’s good you don’t fear Christianity. I struggle with how to work out my faith. I’m all in for evangelism. It’s me I’m at a loss on how to comfort and encourage. Thank you for sharing.
@charminsky5738 I have been able to separate the acts of people from God himself and the church at large. At the meeting where we were kicked out, I felt the Holy Spirit speak to my heart to just let it happen. I sensed there were demons in the room having sway over the other people involved. What was super painful at the time ended up being a blessing in disguise. It was disguised, all right. 🙄😉 For a long time, it was disguised. It was a long, hard road to process it and allow myself to be broken, chastened, and ultimately healed in the process as well. Hubby and I needed to be expunged from that toxic environment and toxic relationships. We would not have left of our own accord. So we were forced to move on. The original church we were at was Evangelical and kind of fundamentalist. I was becoming someone who was super judgey of others. It wasn't pretty. We have slowly evolved to realize who we are--fairly liberal believers. Ex-vangelicals. Each church we went to after getting kicked out was a stepping stone toward who we feel we truly are as believers and as people. We are now attending our third church since being kicked out (we left the other two on good terms, it was just time for us to move on), and feel like we finally found our tribe. Never thought we'd be Episcopalian, but here we are. 🤷♀️😊 I hope you are able to find the way faith and the church works for you. Sometimes it can be a long process. ❤️
@@pinkrosessheilamy heart goes out to you. I am experiencing something very similar in church right now. A wolf in sheeps clothing covert narc betrayed me too. Turned my friends & church people against me, and tried to strip me of being able to serve. Church hurt is real, but I'm so glad God has walked you through healing. I know what you mean about being hesitant to make new girlfriends & trust.
This is spot on! Especially the part when the narc complains and as an empath, I want to help because I care and they really don't give a crap about you helping or even really care about you, for that matter! No one had ever mentioned that before in previous lectures. Thank you for the validation! ❤
I had a male covert narcissist friend (I'm also a male). A lot of the abuse centered around feminising me. He always tried to make it seem (whenever I called them out on their behavior and how it made me feel bad) "like a woman", using terminology like "too sensitive" or "nagging". This is the tip of the iceberg, but I find it really interesting how much need there was to "demasculinize" me as their friend. It's almost like they are deeply misogynistic and tried to make me feel bad by making me feel like I'm more feminine than masculine, and that that's a "bad thing". He made it seem like my emotions were "too much" and I'm always creating drama. It's interesting because my friend's father was an alcoholic and had passed away at young age (he opened up about this trauma VERY early which I didn't back then recognize as a red flag). He had a history of cheating on his girlfriend, rivalry between some other person in his "scene" (I still don't understand what it was about), he lost friends along the way, one of which said my friend was gaslighting him and he succumbed to reactive abuse (he was violent towards my friend after being emotionally abused by him, I imagine). He lost some friends but at the end in the discard he projected hard and said "no wonder you lose friends all the time", or that "I don't have problems like these with anyone else", implying that my problems were "wrong" because no one else had a similar problem with him (my problem was his distancing and lack of communication despite not being open about any problems between us). It's a twisted world out there. Most humans are also (apologies for my language) fucking lost in their ways and life, and it's apparently difficult to be empathetic to others and realize that others have their own lives as well (you are not the only one who might be busy or has stuff going on that cause stress). I tolerated way too much because it was always made to seem like I'm the problem. I apologized incessantly, to the point where they got mad at me for apologizing (they literally said it's pissing them off that I apologize). Well, that was when I snapped into reality. I realized they never apologize and that I also always apologize despite being the one to bring up an issue in THEIR behavior and its impact on MY emotions. This was the sole source of all our arguments and disputations. If only they didn't succumb to emotional abuse, we could be still friends. But someone who is never accountable cannot be in an intimate relationship/friendship with a person who is assertive and has boundaries. Trying to control someone who is in charge of their own life is doomed to fail, and thus we have the outcome: we are no longer friends and I've removed them from my life and all social media. I'm sure my friend feels 100% justified in all their actions and is 100% convinced that they are the victim and I'm the problem.
Nagging as I understand it refers to complaining about minor things that don't have negative consequences if delayed and/or left alone to resolve on their own. Feelings are your own, so it's not neutral viewpoint. What kind of things did he do? I'm trying to figure out the behavior of someone I had to break up with.
A lot of male narcissist coping mechanisms are morally wrong like cheating, and they try to hide behind misogyny as a way to feel like they are not lacking character and morals. It is the idea that "all men cheat" or if you treat women like people you are somehow less than a man, or beta. You being a man of character and calling their behavior out, ruins their smoke screen of trying to act as if they are not morally bankrupt, weak,and lack character. So instead of acknowledging that they are the weak ones that lack the control a man with character would have, they instead project it onto you.
Covert females do the samething when another female gets attention they want. When I was younger you could tell by they commenting on a girl minding her own business but being noticed by men as " she thinks she's cute" comments smh.
I finally found out, after having a covert narcissist mother for 54 years that she is, in fact, a covert narcissist. So after a lifetime of mental abuse i can finally say: i now know what is wrong with her!! And more important: i can finally heal and see things for what they realy are and also know that it wasn’t me!!! Better late then never, right?! 🥳🎉
Yes! Recovery and healing can happen at any age and it is so worth it. It is also so common for people not to realize this toll much later in life! I am sorry to hear it, yet I want to say how wonderful you are doing this work to heal! Wishing you all the best!
@@BarbaraHeffernan Thank you and i want to say thanx to all channels that talk about this for opening our eyes and making it possible for so many people to understand what they’re dealing with. It’s a true blessing!! 🙏🏻💜🕊️
I hear you. Learned that my mom is a covert narc about a year ago. I'm 51. Hurt like hell because my dad died a few months ago and I'm a now self declared orphan. Next time I talk to my mom, it'll be to her ashes or her headstone. At least then I'll get heard ;-)
It seriously took me many years and her leaving and me struggling to finally come across these videos and showing that my ex was 100% a covert narcissist. Their insecurities and seeing her relationship with her mom really made me want to give her the world, but it always felt like an uphill battle and I couldn’t understand why she would cheat and it made me feel like I wasn’t doing enough and wasn’t good enough. She then left me. It’s so hard to get past someone that would say to your face that they love you when it was all just to control you
The narcissist bait is imparting the image of being friendly, loving and 😊caring, respectful, honest, faithful, family oriented, extremely sociable . Once his victim swallows the bait, he throws the net .
They are unable to have empathy 99% of the time because they are so constricted in their ideas of perfection and expectations that only non humans can reach their standards if they even do
Oh my goodness. Yes. Her little chihuahua dogs that have all these health problems. And then she just couldn’t come to work because she might have to put one of them down. And on and on. So…. I mean I love my dogs and am upset when they aren’t well, but…..
Yes my narc had a rescue dog, seemingly brimming with love and empathy as i do with animals. Until i saw his poor rescue, the one he claimed to love so much, be kicked the moment he was irritated. That was a horrific moment of realization for me. I couldnt ever imagine doing something like that. The mask came off. When i called it out, his response "shes just being dramatic yelping like that." I am the problem if i think there was something wrong with his behaviour. Guess crying after being treated horribly for no reason was also me being "dramatic". They are so skillful at hiding their true selves, they turn on u viciously when the mask slips and they know u know.
This is why I have long since rejected the idea of “pet lover = good person”. You don’t know the story behind closed doors. Most people don’t go around killing dogs or cats for fun so people earn way less points to me for doing something that is normal. On top of this, most of these types of people only really care about how they feel. The animal can give them “unconditional” love and keeps them looking like a good person on the outside. It’s all about what they gain and keep, even if the animal is kept in squalor. They will even put other people down from this sense of “moral” superiority they seem to have. Be kind to your animal friends but to these types of people It’s all shallow.
The backhanded compliments, omg, they are almost funny to think about. I hadn’t been home to visit my mom in almost a year, and the first thing she said to me was, “Oh you look great. You haven’t gotten as fat as I thought you had when I saw your pictures on social media.” She can say it with a straight face, and totally dismiss any objection I have to being talked to that way. My feelings of being insulted just slide off of her like water on a duck’s back. But I can guarantee you, from personal experience, if anyone said anything even close to that to her, she would seethe about it for the next 20 years.
You hit the nail on the head about their hypocrisy! That's the hole in their gaslighting that we can escape through. "But I can guarantee you, from personal experience, if anyone said anything even close to that to her, she would seethe about it for the next 20 years." TRUTH! 🤔🙄💡🤓✈🌈🌿❤😃
How about this one: he )the guy she slept with for five months while telling me she needed to work on herself). He was so much bigger than you the sex Was Really uncomfortable. Five months she drove two hours to another city to sleep with him. She said this to me as if was receiving wonderful compliment.
You just described my older sister exactly! I always wondered what was wrong with her, appears helpless, so sweet, always broke, nobody loves her, coworkers hate her, on and on, finally broke off relationship earlier this year, just can’t handle all that drama
You just described my last ex. The final person I'll ever entertain any romantic interest in. He totally ruined me. I had a nervous breakdown thanks for enduring the awful abuse.
I am surrounded by covert narcissists in my life, (and one grandiose narcissist that is easier to recognise). The worst is my older sister, who was jealous of my birth, because my very existence threatened the attention she got from our mother. I spent my whole life being thrown under the bus, sabotaged and undermined by her passive aggressive behaviours. We are still in conflict at the ripe ages of 77 and 75. At this point I don't care a fig. I am fully self aware and that's all that's important. Great post, Barbara!
It sounds like maybe she was treated by your mother as the golden child, or she would have overgrown normal jealousy as a small child when a new baby was born?
@@galaxia4709 Exactly right; and I was blatantly trashed by my mother, as sis looked on with glee. She got her comeuppance in later life though, as I became successful and self aware, and her husband trashed her! Karma.
@@HelenaM-kt8ni Yes same with me, my 3 yr younger brother the golden child and my mom showing disrespect to me (its only become worse and very harsh to me), so he learned to disrespect me I think. Sadly a yr ago my brother passed away, this may seem fairly long ago but it isn't and still feels as 'young' news to me, we were soulmates when we were kids and it feels as if I lost a twin....but anyway, practically since my brother's passing my mom doesn't want to see me anymore. Then a while later it appeared to not be this resolute and she stands open to my calls but it all has to come from me and she never takes any initiative. This isn't doable and lately I haven't felt to call her, but it comes with a price, I am dependent on her to see my 8 yr old niece, daughter of my brother. Much worse things have happened, with the bad wife my brother was married to, who didn't care he died and was happy to inherit his apartment, she and her family threw my mom and I out of his app when he wasn't even cold and had just passed a couple of hours ago, falsely accusing my mom and me and especially me. And my narcissistic flying monkey aunt (sister of my dad) who saw & grabbed the chance of her life and finally found her ultimate excuse to be able to be against me and is treating me as if I am a "criminal', she and her husband blindly believed the false accusations of my brother's family in law, and are both acting accordingly towards me. And then my blood own mom, the things she has said, blamed me of and the way she has treated me as well as certain triangle situations with the enemy my brother's wife, instead of being en-bloc as family together against her, since my brother's passing.... Sorry I didn't mean to write this long.
I have an ex girlfriend who turned out to be a covert narcissist and just as you pointed out she was in love with her dogs and she in fact ran a very large pet rescue that specialized in dogs and she was very hesitant to ever deal with cats. And of course she painted herself as a pillar of the community while delivering all of the behaviors that you described oh so well.
@@RANDassociatesinc Hi, didn't mean ttack you esspecially seeing that you seem nice. I picked you almost randomly on here. What is the topic of this video?
#5- My mom threatened to call my fiance when I was out of the country on a trip with her, and tell him that I was cheating on him because I had gone to a local hotel bar that my uncle owned and was relaxing by myself in the hotel bar having a drink and getting a break from her. I was 30 years old, and she showed up in the bar making a scene and throwing false accusations out in public, it was crazy. I had to call my fiance and tell him how crazy she was acting, it was horrible. We're married 24 years, went no contact with her 7 years ago. The craziest part is it's only looking back that more and more I see how insane and controlling she was
My grandma is a covert narc. Professional victim. Everyone outside the family only sees a sweet little church lady, but when i visit her house she's "boohoo im so depressed no one cares about me im so lonely! You never call or visit me" . Meanwhile she never calls me, only texts me on my birthday or if she needs something, when i do call she tells me how happy she is that i called and i need to do that more but then only complains the whole call, when i do visit she either spends most of the time asking about my brother or how she doesn't hear from him or crying about how my parents don't care about her and are going to leave her to rot in her lonesome depression. My dad calls her multiple times a week, visits her, and takes her out to lunch, but its never enough. My mom has always been kind to her, but she's convinced mom is working against her because mom protects my dad's peace when grandma hurts him. I think she views me as a pawn/opportunity and not much more. She often tries to manipulate me into talking to my parents about inviting her over more. My mother has made it clear that grandma is allowed to visit or call any time she wants, no one is stopping her, but she prefers to wait for the phone to ring instead of dialing it. Its hard on my dad because he loves his mom but she's hurt him so much.
Some older people turn negative and maybe they have brain changes that cause it or make it all worse. Seeing it in my mother. Has become so negative it is hard to want to visit or call her
@@karmasutra4774 my grandma has been like this my whole life. I'm almost 30. Its not an old person having depression from cognitive decline. I've seen depression from cognitive decline from taking care of the grandparents who actually loved us, this is not that. She is perfectly capable and self sufficient, she's perfectly mobile, drives, and works. My parents confirmed her having these behaviors even longer. She's a covert narcissist.
These people have traded their soul for Narcissism and are now dead inside..And what they hate about you is that you have a healthy soul and they are very jealous of that and they very much WANT IT! This is why they get angry when you fight them on their Narcissism because THEY WANT A SOUL! Every Time they get supply from you they take a piece of your soul and it feels soooooo good to them They want to take your soul and give you theirs..A soul exchange,. their dead soul for your healthy soul. Every time they get supply from you, there is an exchange, they feel good and you feel bad. This is why after a while you start feeling dead inside yourself.. This is why victims says they are evil. because they feel this..
That is a terrifying way to describe it, but it feels very accurate. It also make me realize how important it is to protect oneself from such exchanges because inevitably if one's soul is depleted to a certain point but they are still physically alive, would it not make sense that they end up trying to take another's soul, thus continueing the cycle... I'd like to not have a worst case scenario.
I think the beautiful thing about people is that we can get back in touch with our soul, through God etc. I'm not sure it's a finite resource or that the only way out is to take from another. I've changed my mind about that and am much more optimistic.
@redredkroovy That's true but what are the rest of supposed to do? They are like a cancer in your life, there's no helping them, they won't help themselves because they think they're perfect. It's best to just stay away. Maybe someday they'll find a cure or at least they'll stop having kids to torture. Until then save yourself.
I can’t say they’re a narcissist, but I’ve had a friend like this. Everything she presented was compassion and empathy/kindness. But in private she is competitive, judgemental, deceitful and envious.
I mean, everyone has all of the traits you listed, to some degree. If she feigns compassion but is actually just calculating in the background then I think it’s fair to judge, but we all have moments being envious or competitive or judgmental. Deceitful, idk … that’s rough. Wishing you luck, xx
The public face/mask and the private/unmasked. One woman who I know now for sure is NPD would appear so caring with her son in a restaurant, feeding her 7yr old with a spoon and giving tender hugs etc In private, she locked on herself to avoid caring him that way the father has to deal with the son’s needs. One incident, the father went to drop off a car at the mechanic and she kept calling asking when he is coming back to feed his son while she was right next to him just killing time. What also became clear is it was more about her being hungry and wanting “room service”. She would conveniently arrive just in time to pick up the hot breakfast, after the dishes were done, the meal prep was done, and all the cooking was done. All of a sudden she is available and if anyone wants anything - oh but she has something important she has to do this very second.
I don't know if my friend is a covert. Over the years I've noticed patterns one seems petty but I see photos of her with everyone else but when we have had times together where we could have a photo opportunity she won't take one. Also I helped her and a friend get their friendship back on track and feel like I'm always reaching out to them. I left it a few months to see if they would reach out to meet up with me and nothing so I'm really confused if they are my friends or not
@@AmbientAsc maybe you’re just a backup. I had a new friend and I thought wow we have so much in common, they texted nonstop, and we couldn’t wait to get together again and again. Turns out they were only out to benefit themselves. I gave in one time on a deal where they benefited and I didn’t. I thought that maybe I just have to be patient with them, but then they were up with another deal without acknowledging not coming through on the first. I didn’t go along with their next idea and they simply stopped all calls and texts. I reached out as a friend and they pretended to be so excited each time (the same way when I met them, extremely friendly and charismatic), but they no longer initiate the call or text, and stopped meeting up. I guess they are teaching me “a lesson” for not doing what they want me to do. Why should I? They broke their first agreement. They don’t keep their word and expect you to continue having no boundaries and take more chances on them, or else they will deny you their fake friendship. They sure can be fun to be around but it’s all a show. I don’t trust them. The problem too is they are vindictive. So if you don’t allow them to have control over you, they will punish you. If you run in the same circles they will ruin your opportunities behind your back while smiling at you through it all. That person even told on himself a few times. Glad I was paying attention. Now that I know that they don’t actually care about me, I will not allow a bond to be formed. I know they will betray me if they are benefiting. It’s cool to be able to be aware and watch them play their games without being hurt.
You are the first person who explained this in a way that made so much sense. My father was a classic textbook narcissist which is something I figured out a long time ago. I knew that my mother always had some narcissistic tendencies, but never thought that she fit into the narcissist profile. After listening to you talk about the covert narcissist, I now know that I was raised by two narcissists. Explains SO much, so thank you! You've got a new subscriber and follower.🙂
My mother-in-law is the queen of backhanded "compliments." One of her favorites was to say to me, "You look tired," every time I visited her house with my husband. Oh, gee, thanks? Lol She also had this thing where if someone complimented me to her, or said something nice about me to her, she would demand that I give her a compliment first, otherwise she wouldn't tell me what the compliment about me was. Lol! She had a name fir this little charade, but I forget what she called it now. Her husband, my father-in-law, overheard her doing this & called her out on it. Lol She did much worse over the 30+ years I've known her & alienated two out of 3 of her children & their spouses. A horrible human who has milked & manipulated all her life. Thankfully my husband & I moved to a different state early on just to get away from her & protect ourselves & family from her toxic tactics.
What a great video. Describes my narcissistic mother to a T, to this day : she is 92 years old and more toxic than ever. As her only daughter trapped in her web for over 60 years, I can testify to the incredible damage covert narcissists cause to people they target and to their primary preys, and how difficult it is for anyone to understand, believe and come to terms with this narcissistic personality disorder phenomenon which is nothing short of being one of the most dangerous things that can happen to you in life if you are exposed to it, be it with a parent, a partner, a coworker or a friend. It takes for ever to understand that covert narcissists have only one goal in life : get you to feed their ego as they work at sneaking self-doubt in you. Period. For that, they will do anything, anything at all, praise you, dote on you, blackmail you, insult you, lie to you and make you the cause of all their supposed suffering. They will attempt to destroy you if you don't comply : there is no other option for them. Some will kill, if they feel they have been found out for who they really are. So, one rule : no matter what, if you push back, never let them know exactly how much you know. I have been severely damaged by this and yet I survived. At 68 years old, I work every second at healing from this, while my narcissistic mother lives with me still in my own home (while she pretends it's hers -- yup, with narcissists, anything goes and they care nothing about proofs and official papers). She is on the rampage to sabotage me since I have set limits and no longer cater to her demands in the hope of making her happy as I have come to terms with her inescapable mental illness, toxicity and fakeness and the fact that I cannot abandon her, yet. She has been targeting my entire entourage to destroy me in their eyes while looking like an innocent victim who doesn't know what to do. I have explained things to those who matter in great openness and detail and given up on all the rest : not so hard, as I have isolated myself now for decades. You have to be ready to have some people torn in two, disbelieving, because narcissists excel at many things and looking fragile, distraught and in dire need of help is their specialty. No matter how many times you are exposed to their fits of rage and astounding evil ways, like destroying your reputation, your property or your relationships, they can come back to make you forget or feel like you have hallucinated or overreacted or whatever. Don't beat yourself up : if this is happening or has happened to you, chances are that you are a highly open, empathetic, eager to love and save the world person with a fragile ego because you don't live to win and kill but to love and feel. That makes you the perfect narcissistic supply. A lot of time and work including knowing yourself is required to be able to apprehend the truth about the fact that some of those people you love actually detest who you are, but pretend the opposite in order to get what you've got. Narcissists will NEVER hesitate at hurting anyone, most of all their children whom they feel are their property. If they spare you, it's because that is the only way to spare themselves. My mother still hesitates to go too far with my closest cousin who is like a sister to me because she knows it could backfire. So she, for now, works at instilling doubt in her mind. I am aware and have unveiled everything I could with my cousin, so that she may access both sides of the story : she has never seen my mother be herself but has seen me besides myself with depression and anger. Imagine how complicated it is for someone to make sense of all that. Behind the curtains lurks the only truth that matters : narcissists are highly motivated fakes and great actors. They don't love you, never have and never will. Don't let anyone convince you that they do love you "in their own way" : that is rationalization, not reality. If you don't outsmart them, they'll get you every time because they possess no scruples or sense of guilt, like sociopaths. They secretly live by their own secret rules while pretending to be selfless, highly moral and caring, giving persons. They are believed by all. You see, their victims are not as perfectly perfect in appearance as they are, so they can easily pass for the troubled ones or the abusive ones. Long term victims will often resort to narcissistic behavior themselves to counteract the abuse they experience from the narcissist : children of narc mothers, although unaware, have learned everything there is to know about narcissistic methods and WILL use them, at times, against their aggressor. The difference is that they feel great remorse, guilt and pain when they do and spend an inordinate amount of time to try and devise other methods. The problem is, none are as good. Hence, it's a horrific catch-22 situation : you are doomed if you do and doomed if you don't. Suicide is sometimes the only way out. That's what my dad did. My partner of 6 years has witnessed the truth and is now aware, in shock and still bewildered as my manipulative mother puts on a great performance for him but he is keen on observing the only thing that will save our couple : avoiding contact and confrontation with my mother at any cost. She will otherwise either lash out or attempt to damage me in his eyes. He leaves the house early in the morning and comes to my place late at night; we have several hours to ourselves then and we share and talk a lot (I am blessed that way; we both are diagnosed Gifted Adults with a very atypical mindset and this has probably saved me from being annihilated or totally rendered insane by my mother who drove my dad to suicide but has yet to be able to kill my spirit or values. She rants at me daily, scrutinizing every word or move on my part. I don't know if I am strong or stubborn or crazy but now that I know that my mother is unable to feel or love or be happy and has faked it all her life, I suddenly can protect myself instead of spending my time protecting her from herself. She had me so convinced I was not worth protecting, you see... I am sure there are many like me out there, not knowing yet what they are dealing with, and hope to God that videos like these that are so perfect can help them see, and react ! Best Regards, from France
It almost sounds like she is an overt narcissist. I do understand as I'm about your age and have had to deal with 2 narcissist parents - father was overt & mother is covert. He has passed away and she was previously hidden but her true self has come out since his passing. I feel for you having to live with your mother! My sister deals more with mine now as she lives close to her. We do not speak since I was the scapegoat and none of my family thinks much of me. Fortunately I was sent this wonderful partner by God in heaven and he saved me from them for the most part, although sometimes I don't think he understands them. She has tried to sabotage our relationship to a degree when I made the stupid mistake of confiding in her prior to my realization that she was nearly as bad as my father. If I can survive this I know you can too, and I wish you strength, love and peace.
@@ThreetwoOne-wu7yeHmmmmm sounds like you personally know this woman. Shame on you!! This woman Has been tortured by her mother all her life. How dare you try to discredit her!
I was in the marine corps and when I got back home I got destroyed emotionally by this. Several years of depression almost killed me as well as the death of my mother.Everyone in my family is like this and now I’m homeless, but I’ve never felt better. I’m finally free. But now I have narc traits that I’m trying to work through with the help of my siblings. I got a lot of work to do. If my siblings didn’t know me I swear they would hate me.
You can come to my house for Christmas! Many of us find each other and develop new families who love and support us and each other. It's tough overcoming the realities we were faced with. But you have sibs. Very fortunate if you can get along with them. I have one out of five who gets me.
Thank you so much for your words! The last 4 years I had a covert narcissist in my life until a couple of months ago (because we moved away). The confusion she caused me to feel was the worst part of it. She pretended to be a friend but really tried everything possible to ruin my ability to trust in my own judgement. EVERYTHING you mentioned fits her perfectly! Even the part about the pet dog. You really helped me to get rid of the heavy weight on my shoulders I used to have because of the constant accuring selfdoubt and selfblaming. People did not believe me and kept telling me I am over thinking it etc. And the mother of the narc was treating me like shit as soon as I no longer let myself be terrorised by her twisted daughter. She doesn't admit, nor accept that "her golden child" is full of vicious, evil s*** eventhough the narc is also destroying her own family. To everybody suffering from the scum called narcissists: Please for your own health & safety GO NO CONTACT as soon as possible! 🙏🏼 Do NOT worry about their "feelings" because they have non! They only have a never ending thurst for others to pump up their ego. And sadly enough... they will find their next victim. There is no healing for them! Take good care of yourself ! And most importantly: you are NOT insane - they are!!!
For me, the covert narcissist comes across as a people pleaser. They like to be in the spotlight to get the validation that they crave for, as other narcissists but at the same time, they pretend to be humble, simple, generous, over giving. The covert narcissist will take time to build a relationship/friendship with you. During this period, they will show their admiration and their devotion by helping you with everything that is you need. They will try to convince you that you are soulmates and that they understand you deeply. At the same time, you will see them being overly altruistic, maybe helping society by engaging in charities, activism. They feed the poor, take care of the homeless. All this makes you think how lucky you are for having met such a beautiful soul. You want to be by their side for ever. However, soon you notice how much they enjoy being invited in galas to talk about their achievements. But they don’t admit that. They still play the humble guy who doesn’t want all this. Who is beyond money, beyond fame and recognition, who wants to share the floor with other people. But their acts don’t match their words. You come to realise that this selfless soul is actually doing whatever it takes to be in the centre of attention. When you do something together be it at work or at home, they want to control everything about it. They just exerce their control in a more polite and implicit way, making you believe that your voice was heard whereas in reality you did what they wanted you to do. Covert narcissists have a smooth way of leading you on. They don’t shout, they don’t give orders. They are master actors. They convince you that you are together in this. What makes them a narcissist is that when the time comes for them to use you in order to draw certain benefits, they will do it without a second thought and you are not going to believe in your eyes. And when you stand up for yourself and raise your voice against them calling them for their phony identity, then you will see their rage for the first time and the mask will fall. Covert narcissists manipulate less with rage/exhibiting superiority and more with people pleasing behaviour/playing the eternal victim. They are not aggressive as overt narcissists. They are more cunning. What they both have in common is self-centered ness and lack of empathy. In the case of coverts, it will take you longer to find out.They knew what they wanted to get out of you from the beginning. They created a whole theatre play to fool you about who they are and their true motives. You will trust them with all your heart but when the time comes for them to prove their loyalty by choosing your bond over their personal gain, they will choose the latter with no remorse, without even taking any responsibility. Unlike the overt narcissist, they will have an eloquent excuse for doing so, rationalizing why they had to f@ck you over. They will pretend to be sorry about it because this is something that matches the image of modesty that they want to project but in reality they are not sorry at all. You will see them partying with your own money when they said they didn’t have enough to pay you back. You will see them being unfair and untrustworthy to other people as well. When the mask of the victim will fall, you will see the cruel smile of a perpetrator who managed to get what they want without deserving it. If you decide to unmask them run for your life. Additionally, The unwavering support and dedication demonstrated by Metaspyhub@gmail. com have been pivotal in my journey to uncover the painful truth surrounding my partner's infidelity. From the moment I first reached out to them, their professionalism and unwavering commitment to assisting me in finding the answers I desperately sought were readily apparent and highly commendable. Through their swift action and meticulous investigation, They presented me with compelling evidence that left no room for doubt. Armed with this newfound knowledge, I confronted my cheating partner with newfound courage, reclaiming my self-worth and paving the way for a future filled with renewed hope. Throughout this emotionally challenging process, Metaspyhub's expertise and unwavering support served as a constant source of strength, offering invaluable guidance and empathetic understanding when I needed it the most. I am profoundly grateful for their unwavering assistance, as it has empowered me to move forward with unwavering determination and newfound resilience.
And you remind me also of something : they people please too much and it's lacking substance. Like they try to please you but they don't have personality so it's a bit off at first. You feel uneasy.
A covert narcissist only be a people pleaser to gain something they want,otherwise they're hyper-jealous of other people and envious in a bitter way like hell.
What interests me, is how you acknowledge running away is not the only option. Understanding what happens and learning to interpret it , putting boundaries in a way they will understand is a very interesting approach I did not find until now. The concept of a covert N matches better with the unhappy, hurt person I know, the one that you love and don’t want to hurt, but makes you very unhappy. In a way I could say your particular vision is liberating of the unnecessary pain and loneliness, and helps to maintain a kind of healthy relationship . Thank you so much for this.
You are so welcome. I’m so pleased you appreciate that once we have good boundaries and good self esteem we don’t get impacted as much so we don’t have to cut off completely, which can impact the whole family system. Obviously, this is a very personal choice and I would never want any of this in “should” language - whether it is ‘you should’ or ‘you shouldn’t’ . I do wish there was more discussion of various options!
You nailed it. Just ended one year relationship. She had all of these traits. Especially the part about dogs. She gave my dog more love than me. I treated her good. Twisted individual indeed. Slowly cut off her supply and she got very irritated and contemporaneous towards me. Watching her flirt with my friends and neighbors. Insidious. Called her out on her poor behaviors. She had tantrum and left. Not the first rage fit I had witnessed. Now I’m healing and thankful we didn’t live together or share assets.
My sister is 3 yrs older than I am. For my whole life she was my goddess, my hero, my compass. My love for her was kill-for/die-for. Seriously. I was SIXTY before I recognized her narcissism. I made the mistake of calling out the way she was treating our dad and apparently unleashed the (formerly) covert narcissist. And for the last 14 years since then, I have lived in her crosshairs.
Similar to my experience with two older sisters.... 4 and 8 years older, who treated me worse than my mother did, so I ignored them, growing up. It took me over 60 years to realize what they are..... me, Cinderella.
Ouch. I can spot a lot of them now, but not sure about my older sister yet. She is loved by all and loves buying things for people. She does have controlling tendencies and hates any remarks about what she does. One time I pointed out that she best not text so much while driving and the next few days of family reunion became toxic. I found everyone ganging up on me and she was the instigator. Funny thing is I was the one apologizing in the end! I could not believe myself later. I think now it was peer pressure and a need to be welcomed back into a group. I avoid all reunions now. She was all nice before saying our goodbyes and told me I should come visit, and not to be angry with her. So why should I be angry if according to her I was in the wrong? Now I have serious doubts about her.
@@leonab545 After 18 yrs of marriage to one, plus a lifetime w/ my sister, 4 yrs in a work relationship, I've gotten pretty good at sniffing them out. My #1 lesson is to proceed slowly. Prepare for the worst, hope for the best. I just assume everyone is a narc now. It doesn't make me a very fun person, but it prevents some grief. And I'm happily surprised when I'm wrong. Just remember: Covert narcs can take a lifetime to reveal themselves. Best of luck.
@@susanlewis1875 I'm so sorry you experienced that with your sister! (And husband and work relationship) It's chilling how they can switch so suddenly and reveal a completely different person. It's extra heartbreaking when it's someone you've loved so completely. : - ( I'm glad your narc detector is active now. Good wishes to you! : - )
Holy Cow ! This was like listening to a list of my wife’s behaviours and attitudes. Eyes now wide open. The final piece in the jigsaw being the information about their treating the dogs better than their partners. My wife values the dog way above and beyond me. Thank you , thanks you , thank you !
Wow I had never put the last bit together about covert narcissists loving dogs so much. My ex wife was a covert narcissist and always needed to have 2-3 dogs who she shows 10 times the love and attention to than she did our daughter. That actually put quite a few puzzle pieces together for me. Thank you! Great video!
Spot on! I worked with a narcissistic boss for four challenging years. Nightmare time. She had a personalised car number plate, expected birthday presents from all the staff (or else)!, indulged in expensive designer labels she couldn't really afford, and demanded flowers every week from her husband. She did little work, preferring to palm it off on others. She took the credit for other colleagues' ideas, gossiped and lied endlessly. She presented as extremely charming, only gradually revealing her true self. After many years, and following many complaints to HR about her, she was transferred to another department. Interestingly, even her superiors were afraid to deal with her behaviour and she eventually retired - no doubt believing she'd been an excellent employee!
Very helpful. I don’t like the way they use a person and then tell people how bad they are. They’re so sugar-sweet that people believe the bad things they say about you. No sense to defend one’s self it just makes the person look worse. It’s worthwhile to listen and learn to these videos in order to avoid these sneaky people. ❤❤❤
Thank you for this video! This was a good description and spot on! So much bad and wrong information out there, but this was good. Very good to point out they are more common than we think (like 10 % or so) and that the covert is more common among women. I have the misfortune to 'co-parent' with a covert narcissist. Basically I have to protect my daughter from her covert narcissist mother. My experience is that there are a lot of psychopathic traits in the covert narcissist (but they need the supply unlike pure psychopaths). Also a good deal of sadism and paranoia. Very evil!! And very manipulative. I am amazed at how she can manipulate authorities, people, etc. and make them believe she is the victim, while she is totally devoid of empathy or a conscience. Guys, be very careful with women and check for any red flags for at least 18 months. Coverts are very good at deception. It's better to be alone than end up with a narc. And they are around 10 % of the female population, maybe more. Be careful with women organisations / women help organisations as well, there tends to be clusters of narcissists. I think the covert narcissist is among the purest form of evil you can encounter.
When the covert narcissist gets caught cheating on you, they'll never be able to trust you again.
lol. yes, funny if it wasn't so true and so painful...
@@BarbaraHeffernanexactly what happened to me. Obsessed with the idea of me cheating whilst the whole time engineering situations to enable her cheating on me. Wow.
@@TruckerBLWthey accuse u of what they do. They tell on themselves all the time. Once they accuse u, that tells u they did something. It's a guilty conscience. They go and do it then accuse u in hopes u actually did so they don't have to feel bad or shameful.
well said.
@@TruckerBLWyea!! They project so what they say others do is what they do!!!!
8 signs of the covert narcissist
1-they appear fragile and charming
2-they give backhanded compliments
3-their public image is different than their private image
4-they're hyper jealous of other people
5-they tend to sabotage other people's relationships, especially at work
6-often expect others to care for them emotionally and solve their problems
7-passive aggressive communication
8-fake empathy
cheers from southern ontario, canada 🍁
💯
Omg! The dog part! I haven’t heard anyone talk about this and it’s so true!
@@Tainathea What dog part?
@@CalixLuv they love their dog more than their partner.
So true. Now I see; 🗝️ they FAKE empathy. They dont have - but its hard to believe it; so you don’t WANT to believe or see it 🤪
Covert narcissists make you question your own reality. You feel like you are betrayed after realizing all the subtle abuse 😢
Absolutely. Wishing you health and healing.
Right on. So much truth in just a few words. I feel your pain. Best wishes.
You are being betrayed.
If a person doesn't love themselves, how can they love you ?
They can't do one without the other. If a person can't really care about themselves, they can't care for you either.
Exactly! If we can’t go “no contact” Keep good notes on any interaction w/ narcs. They are devious, sneaky, liars & manipulative while pretending to love U, or care, and they are all angels in their own eyes. They live to suck u in, so they can continue their attacks.
The lying about you behind your back to sabotage you is so accurate. It was the biggest sign to me.
I overheard some of that yesterday. My girlfriend recently cracked her pelvis. Requiring around the clock support. I work from home, and trying to do me a favor, is looking at hiring dog walkers without asking me whether that service is what would make the biggest difference, and enable me to get my work done while I work from home. Walking the dog for 10 or 15 minutes, gives me an opportunity to stretch my legs. She found somebody who walked the dog a few times and then asked her why I “didn’t get off my ass and support her more?!?” For some reason she shared that comment with me, and my thought was, “how did he get that impression?” I’m being attentive all day long, moving her around the apartment keeping her fed helping her change her clothes to the point where I have to work from 10 PM to 3 AM to get my work done every day, and some random guy is saying that I need to get off my ass and do more?? Grrr
@@mochachaiguy I'm so sorry. May I ask what kind of work you do from home? 10pm - 3am sounds pretty cool 😎
@@TheRescueDog Thanks for the support. I do sound design for film and TV. Our 2nd bedroom is set up as a tiny editing suite. I'd rather NOT have to be up all day and also pull a second graveyard shift, but at least the interruptions at that time are solely of my own making 👍🏽
This was my mother. She scares the sh$& out of me. She used to talk to me about all our neighbors in a mean way. I had 4 brothers and she hated all our friends. So we never had any. She is really a nightmare, to this present day, a nightmare.
Yep I could always feel it too in her coworkers that we would hang around with socially... I could tell when the well had been poisoned I know what or how but I knew it had happened...
A covert narcissist has a great amount of inner rage. If they get triggered they will scream and yell. Even though they are normally very quiet in a calculated kind of way.
Truth... they appear sweet insecure mouse like.. then wham.. you realize they are self-serving insecure angry vampires.. and yes, they give back handed compliments..
The behavior will reveal itself in hindsight. Narcissists are not sincerely curious to challenge their own established beliefs.
Therefore if they yell, they are AUTOMATICALLY a narcissist right ? I must be one just for suggesting they might not be am I right ?
@@anndillard8681 WHO is "they" ?
@@imjoeimjoe narcissists.. of course.
It is truly disturbing how charming and humble they seem at first. They really sell it. And when your an empathic person you don’t expect someone to not be genuine. At 45 and after many unfortunate encounters with Narcissists I can see them sooner now, but still get fooled at first. It’s crazy.
I hate fake people as an NPD. fI identify them miles away and only get near to see if I can find sometihing human in them. It's a mistake.
i really get how you feel in this one. crazy we still get fooled. such a blindspot. that takes massive amount of work to work on in order to make it just a bit smaller. and then sometimes I still wonder; maybe I am the narcisisst; why would then each of them give me the feeling I am not worthy?
I've learned that it's not us, because we actually ask ourselves, could it be me that is the narcissist. When the true narcissist would never in a million years consider, that they're the wolf in sheep's clothing.
They want to be liked/accepted by impressing
They have a deep seated desire to be safe and looked after and they want to be in control when things seem to be working out.
But they are lacking maturity, real understanding/ compation and are not being able to keep up or finishing things or continue sustaining good causes unless they are on a vengeance spree
And forgiveness is not their capacity at all.
Punishment and vengeance is
And self-catering/ centering is
Also being conartists as well and they can't hide it for too long
They also like speaking ill behind everybody's back! Absolutely everybody's no exception!!! And pulling victims card all the time but never admitting who they victimised
And yes the toucher has to be only one to one so no witnesses and if they are any they will make a scene that the victim is victimising them or smudge it somehow..with professional help like Barbara's here some of them can get better and manage to have meaningful and somewhat happy relationships as many people are kind and compationate and will be willing to understand,love and support so it's not that bad.
Hopefully!!!
The lack of true empathy is a dead giveaway. How they behave when you're sick or vulnerable 🤮
I hate the annoying meaningless competitive behavior.
Agreed
Even a simple conversation becomes a competition of better word choices. Divan becomes couch. Next time I use Couch, he corrects me with divan.
It’s an ongoing competition to prove he’s smarter. It is exhausting.
Usually we never get anywhere near the point of why we’re discussing ‘one of the thing we sit on’ located in our OMG Front room? Living room? Parlor? 🤦♀️
@@TallKulWmn1
I have noticed that if I say a bad word (those that comes first to saying "excuse my French") a narcissist will shame me immediately (they probably use those words and spill them like a fountain ⛲ but they can while you can't).
That's a great red flag for me.
It's just an example; they will shame you for literally anything.
Yes... My ex always had to remind me that she made more per hour than I did, but i always brought home more... Every paycheck...I stopped explaining to her that I am on Salary not hourly after a while.... One time (toward the end when I had had enough) I just gave her a tiny little golf clap when she said it, and said, "congratulations." I WANTED to add in badly... "so do you need help with your car payment again?"... But, I refrained.
Me too!
The passive aggressive behaviour was the destroyer of the relationship. Smirking, sneering, , sniggering, sighing, raising eyes at me. ALL the time. Drove me wild.
Oh man, I dealt with a lot of this myself
Going through this now unfortunately
Same!!!!
@@PARRISPHIFER Me too.
@@JohnSmith-lk8cy I like to think I’m an intelligent person but I never caught on to the behavior until after the fact when a friend said it sounds like she’s a narcissist. I dug deep and was able to grasp the behaviors but good examples were lacking. I watched several videos and the hair stood up on the back of my neck. She discarded me. It happened quickly. Like too quickly. Her behavior was very unusual and I couldn’t put my finger on it. I’m honestly embarrassed that I got duped for 16 years.
Oh gosh it’s the fake empathy for me. You can really feel it when someone is pretending to care and it’s so unsettling.
Yes, it really messes with your psyche
I know right it gives me the chills and creeps me out whenever I realize somebody is faking it
Yeah I met this guy at a party and he was creepily interested in “getting to know me” cause I suggested that I recently left a relationship or something so they wanted to “counsel me”, ofc they didn’t say any of these things but just to explain their attitude. I felt weird that they were pushing on a soft spot even though they were trying to “help me”. Saw the same person a year later and they didn’t even remember who I was at all lol and it all hit me then
@@yoeyyoey8937That man just wanted to know your "psychological passcodes" as Dr. Ramani calls it..aka your vulnerable points so that they know how to trigger and manipulate you. You dodged a bullet.
Yes! We call a mate's covert narc ex-wife "St ' _ _ _ _ ' of the oppressed" 😅
I was married to a covert narcissist for 30 years, then attracted boyfriend after boyfriend with the same traits. Finally, I stopped looking at them and started watching out for how they make me feel. If someone causes me to second-guess myself, I'm out. If they have a different persona in private, I'm out. Thank you for this. Spot on!
I've atyracted them all my life as well. I still do, although divorced 40 years & havent dated on 20. Narcs actually seek out people like you & me - giving, empathetic, kind, soft spoken, harwoeking, etc.
@@annemccarron2281 damn are you in your 70s?
I married a covert narcissistic female 28 years before social media and internet Information Age she divorced me fast forward 28 years later to 2023 block and delete rinse and repeat Very miserable people.
Thankfully she divorced me still dwelling in Wilderness then with a contentious NPD female.
@@annemccarron2281 lise leblanc termed it as PHIL- protector hero integrity i forgot the L maybe loving
Describing the ‘Covert Narcissist’ as a “Snake in the Grass” is an understatement!!!
That's because they are 😈
They are Reptiles
More like a crocodile 🐊
More like a fluke worm that latches on to ur lover and sucks the life out of u.
More like a fluke worm that latches on to ur lover and sucks the life out of u.
Does anyone feel that covert narcissists are incredibly good at playing the victim? The slightest, most trivial mistake you make, and you are nothing better than the worst villain in their world, and you are in debt to them forever, and they won't accept anything less than your most sincere expression of guilt, better if you are to give up everything you have for redemption - But you mustn't make them look bad in the process. If you suffer you must make it look like that you deserve it, so that they are the only ones who look like the victim.
This is my mom 100%. Well said!
Absolutely!!
It's what I got from my mom, and what I'm *trying* not to mirror...
Spot on man. Shit is so conditional it screams fake.. these people really don't have capacity to truly love...
💯
OMG. The pet-lover trait being a running theme w/certain narcissist types was eye opening for me. EX. Someone who "takes" in animals, preaches about their selfless-ness, knows "everything" about veterinarian-work (b/c a family member worked at a vet 🤷♀) YET behind closed doors allow the "saved" pets to live in pain w/rotting teeth, potty in the house, and complain about them.
Apparently, I needed to vent. Thanks lol
Can confirm. The one I married was a regular Doctor Doolitttle, and she couldn't even be bothered to care for them, once they weren't shiny and new anymore.
I can confirm as well!!!!! I noticed this with my first narc relationship, and my second narc relationship. When I saw the parallels, my mind was BLOWN!!
A lot of people with animals who pull the dogs....or say they have 20 years experience or they say they are dog trainers, than I believe I know enough. First both things: nobody need to pull a rope when it's around the dog and the dog and dogs don't need a trainer, but people do! The manner how those people react even when you are very friendly and they get not nice AND you FEEL a wall, then they are absolutely not nice to the dogs, only you need to watch...that mean: to THINK for what you look at that mean: to ask questions for yourself..than you know they not treat the dogs right and if they pull hard or kick or scream to the dogs when they are outside, than those people are kind of crazy not countious, of where they are or they just don't care so in the house is maybe the all day cruel, terrible for the dogs because the people want their way immidiately and have no love at all.They not look at what the dogs need and to give that to the dogs.
Yes, they are animal experts while they use electric dog collars.
My ex never liked the dog we had, I took her when I left after 27 years
I am/was a covert narcissist from a highly traumatised family. Its taken me over thirteen years of therapy and group work to first see and understand my own narcissism and then begin to heal the underlying trama. I can now see the how narcissistic behaviour patterns can be passed down generations as an extreme self defensive mechanisms in unsafe family environments. Without question, do not stay in any personal or professional relationship that is doing you harm. Sometimes it means cutting ties, at others setting pretty extreme boundaries (eg. minimal contact). But for those of us that as children needed to employ narcissist behaviour patterns to survive unsafe and toxic environments, healing is a real possibility with the right support and therapy.
Congratulations on all of the work you’ve done. Out of curiosity, was there an event that finally made you see that you had these behaviors? Getting a narcissist to see it is notoriously difficult and most won’t get treatment since they don’t think anything is wrong.
You will always have to stay in therapy I'm glad you have recognized it but you know it can't be cured. You can't say was a narcissist. You will always be one. Therapy is for life.
That is AMAZING!! Good for you!!! That takes so much strength and self-discipline and introspection for you to recognize and overcome that, and for that you are such a strong and remarkable person. I want you to know that it means you are an especially good person for the fact that you were able to recognize that and be so honest with yourself and others and work through it. Not many people have the strength that you have so congrats! Blessings to you
@@skibunny2257what a foolish statement. Psychology is a pseudo science … it can be beneficial but it has its limits. Look into the marketing of madness.
@@skibunny2257 citation needed. I refuse to believe this cannot be cured. Don't take the behavior of people who refuse to better themselves as proof people who are trying to better cannot succeed.
When confronted with their lies they become like a wild animal
And physically attack you
The truth and their narrative creative a crisis within. My sister was convinced she had started a million dollar company ( my mother actually did ). when confronted about the fact that she was 12 when the company formed, she went crazy, yelling and screaming for hours. Like a banshee. It was wild and scary. Within a year of " working" at this company it went out of business, after thriving for 3 decades . they are completely and utterly delusional.
@@jeanpaulfelix4095 Absolutely. They won’t be moved from their narrative, even if it’s bonkers.
We have to have email contact with a covert. When they deny something or lie, which is frequently in my experience, I just email them back proof, ie forward them their own email where they are contradicting themselves. We have kept them all for evidence if ever needed, you never know. When they see their own lies or vindictive words back at them in black and white, it does not go down well. It is like they have seen themselves in the mirror for the first time. Ironically, at this point they usually tell us not to contact them again! The best thing for me is that I don’t even have to say anything. They thrive on drama and attention.
Or talk over you and shut down.
oh we know we KNOW!
Thanks so much for this. I'm a mature male and I grew up with a mother that I now realize was almost certainly a covert narcissist mom. What you have said here at 10:22 gobsmacked me particularly hard, and is so relatable. Since that's how my parent always behaved, I thought everybody made stuff up out of whole cloth about their "accomplishments" that were actually completely untrue in any way--and that most every adult was probably " false" , emotionally. That behavior got normalized for me to be around and see. Entirely sad. My covert mom also had the victim/martyr image thing you mention down pat. I'm subscribing today. Thanks again.
My mother and my only older sister are covert narcissists. They feed each other and they are accomplices. My mother's backhanded compliment to me: "Your hair is so beautiful! Why don't you wear it short (like hers)?" I lost the count how many times I've heard that.
My mother is a victim/martyr too. She lost her father when she was 6 and they were very poor in Brazil. Probably it comes from that. Today she is a 84 year old widow and I live with her cause I am divorced and don't have kids. Actually, today she said that she thinks the elderly has to have a son/daughter living with them 24/24 (meaning I cannot have my own house till she dies). If I moved out I think she would "become sick" the next day cause illnesses has always been my mother's weapon of choice. I lost the count she became sick cause she wanted something from us. If I moved my sister would blame me for that (the same way she did when I moved out at 24), even though she lives in her own house with her husband. The worst part is that my sister knows all about the manipulation. We had an argument last year and my sister said "Oh, she is always sick". But she will take my mother's side when it suits her plans.
I was married to a covert narc for 14 years. It took me 13 to figure out. He did so much more mental damage than my previous husband who is a regular narcissist. 28 years spent with these crazy people. Then I figure out my mom is one too. I guess she set me up to think the craziness was normal. I’m running away from anyone with these traits.
I was programmed by mom. At thirty three years with husband who is covert, I’m very angry. God really supports me, since I feel like garbage. And I feel tricked.
Ditto…. Different players, but same game…. I’ve attracted narcs my entire life, & it took me a long time to figure out.
It's a horrible almost loss of the final part of your innocence when you realise their level of existence is a thing, it crushed me at the time and I took it out on the messenger, this is not an uncommon response and has happened to me since until I learned to point the victim in the right direction but not lay the whole situation on the table. Outside of the usual porous boundaries thing children of Coverts develop work arounds as a survival strategy and a Narcissist finds these delicious. I would say to all children of Coverts, look for these work arounds, your almost instinct to be agreeable may be the signal these people latch on to. Say No, don't explain yourself and validate your feelings and expressions of them, if they are being petty and tedious show it, don't slap on a fake smile and massage the bottomless pit of an ego.
My experience too. Now I’m my seventh decade I’m happy to be rid of theses toxic people. I’m very distrustful of friendships too since being treated badly and accepting it.
I was with my X for 25yrs before I finally had enough. When I asked him to leave he told our sons, “Your mum deserves someone better than me!!” I thought I had married someone like my dad, because that was what my mum led us to believe, but in actual fact I had married someone just like her. When I eventually decided to sell the family home, due to burgeoning debt, I asked mum if she wanted me to move closer to her and my dad but she said to move where I wanted to. I settled on moving to the far north of Scotland as I could afford to buy a house outright up there. She then turned to my younger brother and complained that I wasn’t moving close to her. So he then challenged me on my decision and I told him she didn’t want me there. When he relayed this to her she denied having ever said that!! I therefore changed my plans and have regretted it ever since. My dad passed away 6months later and I have felt shackled to her ever since. If I ask my brothers for help I just get crickets. I wish I could move away but the money I had from the sale of my home has long since gone on rent. She’s 90 this year and I know I’d be racked with guilt if I move now and something were to happen to her.
Great job explaining this topic. Married to one for 23 yrs with 3 kids. She destroyed everyone in her path. Divorced now for 6 yrs and she is still a problem. Kids and I have nothing to do with her but her manipulation knows no bounds. She is a PhD Marriage & Family Counselor and a College Professor. Dangerous!
My narc ex is with a psychologist now- who happens to sound like a covert narc. Go figure!
Best of luck, my friend!!
They seem to find a way to get in positions to continue to harm people or relish in their pain .. so incredible scary and sad. 😢
I’m glad you are free.
Most of them are in professions like that I know a psychiatrist that is possibly a narcissist and she diagnosed me with scizophective disorder cause that’s what she specializes in and I found out from reviews that she gave someone a bs diagnosis and turns out the lady had a tumor. lol! Lots of people in high power or authority figures are narcissistic
@@CynthiaAvaI was friends with someone whom I almost started falling for but then I realized something was off. She is an addiction counselor and spending some time with her I realized she is a complete covert narc.
26 years with a CoNarc wife.
1. Emotionally intense in the beginning and intermittently throughout
2. Extremely needy
3. Entitled to all my time
4. Never expressed regret for wrongs she had done to me
5. Blamed all of her shortcomings on others, mostly me
6. Never tried to improve herself
7. Self-deprecation was always just fishing for compliments
8. Appeared kind but socially awkward in public but insulted everyone she encountered in private
9. Rages accompanied by intense cruelty, insults and alternative accounts of how things happened
10. Everything she did was because someone else (typically me) put her in a situation to have to. This is reversing victim and offender.
I've been out of the relationship since the end of April and I am still trying to remember how events really happened vs how she perceived them. I did everything I could for her and all she did was mock and ridicule me. I wasted so many years blaming myself for failing her when it was not humanly possible to please her. She never wanted to succeed because victimhood required no effort. She just needed me to be responsible for why she never had what she deserved.
I'm sorry you went through so many years with her. I recognize this type of behaviour from my mom growing up, and even became scared that this is who I would be too. The reality is that I became attracted to someone who had these traits, and I did have some myself, and really messed my mind up. I know I have done wrongs in my life and work to fix them and not blame others, but man is it a trip to live with people who don't do that and even try and convince you that you're the one in the wrong constantly. Trusting my own reaity and that I'm not trash has taken a long time and I'm still working on it. Hope you are recovering and finding good people to trust.
@y04a I'm better now after committing to walking away. At some point I'd like to see my kids again and help them understand what happened. As of now, she has them convinced I'm not providing for them and that I abandoned them, so they don't want to see me.
Common tactic: I'm not providing for them but I'm paying all the bills and we still have a joint account.
I abandoned them but she kicked me out and won't let me see them.
Great list, can confirm everything you've written happened in my story as well.
I'm still on the fence about how much of this meticulous and long term undermining and destruction of another person is deliberate or just "instinctive".
@coinspeednews4703
I told my wife during one of our last fights that I knew what she was doing and my only hope was that she didn't realize she was doing it. I'm torn too. I don't want to believe that the person I loved and have been married to for over 2 decades could be that malicious. Yet, everything she's done since I figured her out has been calculated and fits all the models of how I expected her to behave. I'm not so certain anymore. It was always just easier to put it on me than to own anything. It seems second nature to them.
@@thegridrunner9976 There a quite a few fundamental concepts that they just can't comprehend. Things like love, respect, trust, equality (in terms of a relationship). Even though they can mimic these masterfully in the beginning.
Otoh they think in terms of extremes, like allies and enemies, full compliance, etc. And once you deviate from the fantasy they have in their head about you, they treat that as absolute betrayal and you become a bad object, worthy of punishment and eventual destruction.
My ex knew that something was wrong with her, but facing it caused such an intense feeling of shame, that "healing" was not an option.
Instead she chose to destroy everything around her.
Come to think of it, this was a choice.
It took me 14 years to catch my narcissistic wife. Of course, I didn’t know she was a narcissist back then. I didn’t even know what narcissism was. A part of me always knew that she wasn’t faithful to me. It was just that whenever I voiced my concerns or asked for some reassurance, there was hell to pay. She put me through a mental gauntlet of feigned outrage, moral indignation, gaslighting, and flipping reality on its head in order to make me the bad guy. She repeatedly set what little progress I had made in trying to have a good relationship with her, back to square one. She exploited my deepest desires-to have a good marriage and to keep our family together, by always keeping one foot out the door and threatening to leave. So, I learned to carefully pick my battles…. and worse. I learned to put the blinders on and to pretend that she wasn’t up to no good. I also learned to convince myself that I was the problem. And then one day, while she was at work, I decided to clean out the car. She had a nasty habit of treating the backseat like a dumpster. As I stuffed empty wrappers, bottles, and cups into a trash bag, I found an envelope with her name on it.
Thinking it might be important, I decided to look at its contents before I threw it away. It was a letter from some guy who was clearly in love with her. He expressed how he wanted more from her than their secret rendezvous. There was no mistaking what he meant. Even though my heart was crushed, I regained my power in the very next moment. I drove to where she worked, and I angrily approached her. Her eyes fell on the letter in my hand, and her shoulders slumped in silent defeat. She quietly said, “I can’t talk right now, but I’ll be home in an hour.” “Good!” I replied. “I’ll be waiting!” Then I turned on my heel and stormed out the door. Now that the cat was out of the bag, she admitted the entire affair-including all the places where they would meet up. As difficult as that was to hear, I stood by, ready to forgive her. I was well-practiced in starting over from square one, and I eagerly waited for the opportunity to roll up my sleeves and to get to work. But she played the wounded victim as convincingly as Amber Heard, and she asked me to wait for two days while she decided what she should do. Of course, I said yes.
Even though I had been married to her for 14 years, I still had no idea what I was dealing with. In the midst of that painful discussion, she was plotting her next move. It turned out that she needed two days to think because that’s when her boyfriend would return from his business trip. She wanted to be in a relationship with him, but when he refused to leave his wife for her, she decided to stay married to me. Of course, I didn’t know any of this at the time. I only knew that after two days, she decided to stay. Being the eternal optimist that I am, I saw this as an opportunity for a brand new start, and I convinced myself that we were finally going to have a good marriage. But she didn’t share my optimism, and it was obvious that her heart wasn’t in her decision to stay. We suffered together for another 2 weeks when she blamed me for her affair. That’s when I finally threw in the towel. We divorced on friendly terms, and we made all our own arrangements for custody and child support. We only needed a lawyer to draft and file the appropriate documents. The laws have changed since those days, and you can’t do that kind of stuff anymore. Anyway, during our many conversations to dissolve our marriage, she admitted lots of things that I didn’t know about-including the fact that she was never faithful to me. If I had understood narcissism back then, I would have handled things differently. I wouldn’t have put up with her mental abuse, and I would have left her years earlier.
Additionally, If you suspect cheating or other forms of manipulation and need to gather evidence for your own peace of mind, you may consider reaching out for assistance. For more information, you can contact: MetaspyHub@gmail. com.
Sounds familiar 😅
Thanks for this.
My mom is a covert narcissist. Her love of animals is very performative. From the outside she appears to take great care of her pets but in reality she’s extremely neglectful and yells at them constantly. Which is exactly how she treated me. Everyone thought I was well cared for but I was extremely neglected and constantly yelled out. And of course everything was my fault as a child just as she blames her pets for their bad behaviors instead of training them or recognizing their needs.
So hard for you to watch this...animals , how sick. They are helpless beings who just want your affection.
My mother left our little dachshunds in an above ground pool that was empty. It was sand on the bottom. Put them in there I. Florida in the summer with no water to drink. They died. I was 6 years old. She also let my cat out in a storm. The cat never came back. My best friend from high school new there was something wrong with my mother
I used to say my mom loved her dogs better than us but she never put the leg work into training them. She loved that the dogs gave her undying affection. Yet she screams at them when they don’t obey her and show normal dog behavior (like humping each other and sniffing private parts).
She told me time and again as a teen that I was a lovely, obedient child until I turned 12 and “got a mind of my own.” 😅
Feel the same exact way!! Same exact situation
yup...ive seen same...narc wants 2 only punish but not spend the time 2 properly train...stupid NARC IS clueless about how any 1 ELSE feels...including their more vulnerable victims/innocent little pet sweethearts deserve our all...they don't deserve punishment they deserve attention & training with patience...they R totally DEPENDANT on us and give us unconditional LOVE.
Exactly! When I told an acquaintance about the narcissistic abuse I had been subjected to, they pretty much blew it off-saying that I was simply dealing with a “high maintenance” person. Most outsiders have no clue about narcissistic abuse. Basically, I no longer share my experiences with anyone and instead focus on distancing myself from the narcissist in my life.
People just don't understand the depths. They never will if it's not happening to them.
@@getllonglegs So true!
Narcissism is epidemic and I know some who are suffering from it, yet when I share videos with them about narcissism they don’t take it seriously. Every person on the planet needs to educate themselves because they are everywhere.
@@beaglerescue5281 It definitely is an epidemic. Not much we can do about them. We can only educate ourselves on how to cope and ideally cut them completely out of our lives, ASAP. And never stop learning about their disorder because they never stop being narcissistic. A ton of self care is always a good idea.
I daresay that, in most cases, "high maintenance" is code for narcissism.
I dated someone I believe was a covert narcissist. Had all the traits. Silent treatment, deflection, passive aggressive behavior, little insults, no empathy. I only discovered this by watching videos on narcissism. Everyone else thought he was such a great guy but they didn't see the way he treated me and you are right about their behavior in a setting with other people. He always treated me great in front of others but it was a different story when we got home. He initially presented as quiet and shy and a so called nice guy.....not.
sounds familiar, I've been through the exact same thing.. indescribable
Am in it now
So true
Think we had the same husband. Shy n saintly ouside, mean n nasty, inside
Exactly relate to my story with my bf
A covert narcissist is someone who craves admiration and importance as well as lacks empathy toward others but can act in a different way than an overt narcissist. When considering the behavior of narcissists, it might be hard to imagine how someone could be a narcissist and be inhibited in their approach and behavior. A covert narcissist may be outwardly self-effacing or withdrawn in their approach, but the end goals are the same. For example, this might be described as listening to your favorite song while blasting the volume, compared to listening to that same song on a low volume. The song itself hasn't changed, just the volume in which you are listening. Covert narcissists are only different from overt (more obvious) narcissists in that they tend to be more introverted. The overt narcissist is easily identified because they tend to be loud, arrogant, and insensitive to the needs of others and always thirsty for compliments Their behaviors can be easily observed by others and tend to show up as "big" in a room. When we think of an overt narcissist, we could say they demonstrate more extroverted behaviors in their interactions with others.
Many people have fallen victim to the manipulative behaviors of a covert narcissist without realizing what has happened until they are already in emotional pain. It might be more accurate to suggest that the extroverted (overt) narcissist would be a lot easier to see coming than the introverted (covert) narcissist. It is not unusual for people to find themselves in long-term relationships with covert narcissists only to be hurt by a sense of a lack of partnership or reciprocity in the relationship The covert narcissist certainly craves importance and thirsts for admiration but it can look different to those around them. They might give back-handed compliments, or purposefully minimize their accomplishments or talents so that people will offer them reassurance of how talented they are. The overt narcissist will demand admiration and attention, where the covert narcissist will use softer tactics to meet those same goals. The covert narcissist will be much more likely to constantly seek reassurance about their talents, skills, and accomplishments, looking for others to feed that same need for self-importance.
Shaming others is a wonderful tactic of the narcissist in order to secure their sense of an elevated position in relation to others. The overt (extroverted) narcissist might be more obvious in their approach to gaining leverage, such as explicitly putting you down, being rude, criticizing you, and being sarcastic. covert narcissists can take joy in creating confusion for someone they are interacting with. They may not engage in blaming or shaming, but instead, causing people to question their perceptions and second-guess themselves. Because their need for self-importance reigns supreme, covert narcissists will do whatever they need to do in order to keep the focus on themselves. So, where an extroverted narcissist will blatantly push you aside or manipulate you to accomplish their goal, the covert narcissist is a professional at not acknowledging you at all. In general, narcissists are not givers. They find it difficult to put energy into anything that doesn't serve them in some way. A covert narcissist might present themselves in a way that looks like they are giving, but their giving behavior is only demonstrated with the intent of getting something in return. A simple, everyday example could be something like putting a tip in the jar at your local coffee shop. A covert narcissist would be much more likely to put their tip in the jar when they know the barista is looking, in order to help facilitate some kind of interaction that allows them to be praised for giving.
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Hearing the signs of a covert narcissist is a lightbulb moment!
I had to quit a job I loved because of a bad supervisor who I now realise is a covert narcissist. She has so many of the traits listed here. Lack of empathy, dishonest, undermining, falsely self-deprecating and humble (but has an enormous underlying ego), micromanaging and so on. It was extremely stressful and started to negativity impact my health. I’m glad I got out of that toxic environment. My advice to anyone who encounters a covert narcissist is to run! You can’t win with people like that. They aren’t normal and it’s not worth your mental health.
Yes. Thank you for sharing as it will be helpful for others!
I see you had my former boss. She presented as charming and physically fragile. She was incredibly impressed with my journalism accomplishments and natural ability to write; used that as the basis for hiring me, then spent the next three months telling me I didn't understand how to turn an interview into an article and that my writing was sub-par. She would give me false deadlines further out than the real ones, then tear me down for missing the publication date. She'd give me half an hour to do two weeks of work, then tell me I should have started earlier.
Anything that she was responsible for that didn't work out became my fault when she had to account for it with the CEO. She started demanding that I make a list every day to show her what I had actually done with my work hours. Mind you, I worked three hours a day, three days a week. That stupid list took up 1/6 of my productive time, and had the added benefit of making me feel like an idiot because the list never matched what she claimed she wanted me to work on (despite it being an account of what I had accomplished from the list she gave me when I arrived).
This was a shared job, and I was constantly being unfavorably compared to the person who worked on my off days. We met years later and discovered our boss had been doing the same things to each of us. MWF I was garbage and she was amazing; TTh she was garbage and I walked on water!
At the same time, this boss was bringing me ice cream after her lunch breaks, inquiring after my family's health, and asking me to tiptoe around a completely darkened office and take on extra duties because she had a migraine.
When my seven year-old shattered her jaw in a bike accident and was in the hospital for six days, I took the week off. My boss accused me of not taking my job seriously.
At the end of three months, I had a complete emotional breakdown and full-blown fibromyalgia -- and no job. I had excelled at every other job I'd had for 30 years, but this woman fired me for incompetence. I still believe it was because I had a friend in the CEO's office and had broken down to the point of sharing some stories about the monster I worked for. My friend never really believed me, having only seen the sweet side of the woman, but I know my boss felt I was endangering her carefully cultivated persona.
@@SouthCountyGal This boss sounds like Miranda Priestly from "The Devil wears Prada."..- and even you two girls working as her assistents going crazy trying to please her - just like the film/ book...
I had to quit after 17 career I loved, but my manager was a nightmare to work for. Same as what you went through and worse!!! I too got really sick! Just leave if you meet one!
@@SouthCountyGal Covert Narc of the 1st degree. Used you to sharpen her sadistic skills. Glad you got out
and you just prolonged your life for an extra 20 years. You win.
A 'Covert Passive Agressive' does not do their own dirty work. They manipulate 'Others' into doing their dirty work. It is great that a video like this is available to help people.
YES THEY DO.
Yes, I have a CovNarc who is using her 5 yr.old daughter and her new supply psychopath boyfriend to attack me bc I have been supporting the biofather , who lives in a cabin on our farm to get visitation and custody. In her very sick mind, she has upped the anty repeating the same SA allegations , ( did the same exact accusation 4 yrs ago w/other friend of father ) now we are 4 and 5 , against me and my husband stating dad knew and did nothing . This is an extreme measure to pursue serious criminal charges , by her malacious fabrication. This has shown me she will stop at nothing for the power and control and is a dangerous individual capable of anything to keep the upper hand.
That is what my father did, he was the nice guy and made my mother the punisher.
This greatly affected my relationship with my mom, he also made my sister the golden child so I don't have a relationship with her because of lies my father would tell her about me.
He has been dead since 2020. I am 58, and I am still dealing with the mental abuse he put me through.
Been at the receiving end of that. Cut them off.
Put then it is not NPD - Manipulation is not our thing . We are not cunning but we suck as partners.
Wow! My mom! I grew up with the idea that other people are never to be trusted. I don't expect anything from anyone so I don't get disappointed. She did a real good job making us kids think it was always our dad. After he passed a few years ago, my sister and I realized we couldn't stand to be around our mom and didn't understand why. We did some thinking and talking, then I came across some information on this subject and had to share it with my sister. It blew our minds that we made it to middle age before finally understanding what was actually going on, that it was our mom and not us. I can't express how liberating and healing it has been to figure it out. To this day I can only handle being around her for short periods of time.
We must share the same mom because she also installed in my sisters and I that we couldn't rely anyone but each other*. Even at the company we work at she warned me to be on guard because she supposedly didn't want me to get backstabbed. Yet she talks to everyone, even opening up to a quite a few people.
Similar story. I’ve gone no contact recently as nothing else was working and am too old for the drama. I’m sure there will be more drama eventually but for now I just can’t. Wishing you strength ❤️
@@amandaluxmoore4228 Thank you so much! I wish you well and lots of healing too!!!
@@michelleriggs5435 bless
yeah we're sisters. congratulations on staying non-emotional w the mother. It's kinda like enjoying a chocolate cake but knowing the chocolate is bad for us. It's so unfair. But yeah, better be safe.
Wow. My narc husband showed more affection to our cat than he ever expressed to me. I found myself feeling jealous of our sweet kitty! That’s when I realised that I had to get out of that emotional desert of a marriage.
Wow. I just realized that is true in my marriage. Loved the cat but could not give me any attention. Mostly pretended he didn't hear me.
I bet he did it in front of you on purpose. They’re so subtle in making you feel forgettable, worthless, inferior
Glad you escaped 🙌
I had a relatable experience just before the pandemic.💩
“Emotional desert” sums it up well ☠️
Everybody loves my dad...soooo sweet, generous and kind. Always somehow suffers misfortune! People always betray him. But no one ever puts it together. My father is a covert narc. No one would ever ever believe me. He has done an excellent job of being the victim and i am a horrible person.
That describes my ex husband to a T. His parents think he’s so unfortunate to find all these women that hurt him so bad and leave. Little do they know their son is the abuser and he drives the women away. They wouldn’t believe me if I tried to tell them.
good thing you know!! Good luck in your journey. My father was also admired publicly but severely lacking at home.
Narcs are 0,4% of population. And even than its just a vague concept. So if not even diagnosed, its highly doubtable
Meet my mum and I 😂 same thing
NPD exists on a spectrum. Everyone acts narcissistic once in a while, but They suffer from the disorder All of the time. They can't help it. It's a brain mis-wiring
My mom checks all the boxes. She is 89 and lives in an Assisted Living. I am the only child and the only one that helps her in anyway in the family. No one else pays any attention to her. She has me so fed up sometimes, I just want to abandon her. I won't, but that is how I feel. What a thankless job this is!
I am an only child, Mom is 94, she checks all the boxes as well. It;s finally started that I speak back to her now, but it is thankless, I agree with you! Good Luck!
@@paulaellis6242 I am in therapy and am starting to set boundaries. It is the only way I am going to live through the next several years (her mother lived to be 99). The last time she started to act up during a visit, I said "If you continue to talk to me this way, I am leaving." and I left. I do her laundry, I take her to the doctor and I get her prescriptions. I try to visit her for 1 1/2 hours each week. I am no longer calling everyday.
So sorry. You're a much better person than I because I'd probably abandon her.
@@kathleenklein4231 You sound like me, my Mom lives 10 minutes away. I have also told her before, that if she continues on her awful attack on everyone and everything, I am leaving, Wow, she stopped, but it is such an emotional roller coaster. Best wishes from one that 'Get's' it. All the best....
Oh man im 20 years behind u. My mom's in her late 70s 80s not sure...(shes 39 apparently) and i just go there clean the fridge make sure everything is clean and safe and she wont trip over her rubbish and she will screetch at me because she has lost a scissors. Shes also a hoarder. And if u say anything anything...trying to be psiitive or soenthing she just tshuts down and sulks like a child...and so u cant talk to her about anything...she talks ans talks about people i dont know what shes on about.. and then if i speak she just looks at her phone... sigh. I alsso want to walk away but feel i cant. Maybe i will. Lifes too short. I can wait till shes 90 and help her then. Im so sick to my stomach with it.
This was 100% my mother. This comment in particular hit home: "You don't trust other people because you were raised by a person you couldn't trust." I took a Big 5 personality evaluation and scored zero on trust (part of the Agreeableness facet), which the person administering the eval said was the lowest he had ever seen. His comment, "Betrayal probably doesn't even hurt you anymore. You've come to expect it like the sun rising in the morning." Spot on.
😢
Wow. Expected betrayal.
I scored low on agreeableness too. I won't let these people walk over me. You need to test people to find out if they are narcissist early on rather than finding out months down the line. You can do that by disagreeing politely on something. I do it by choosing something different to drink or eat from them in the pub, cafe or restaurant.
The Smiling No Test : Wait for them to ask you to go somewhere or do something and then you politely decline.
You remain smiling but you don't offer any explanation.
It's very good at making the truth come out.
Don't laugh but don't be mean either. Just keep the conversation going like no, I can't see you Sunday but call me Monday and we'll see, kinda thing.
Usually that's enough to trigger them.
Just make sure you don't say sorry. You're not sorry. You don't offer any reason, it's just a no.
@@lorimiller4301 it's a shame we have to test people by doing this when it's no biggie to go along with them. But when you do they move the goalposts and demand more. I have my own tests such as ordering something completely different from the menu in a pub or restaurant. They hate it when you refuse to mimic them.
Sometimes I feel like I'm living in one of the more totalitarian Eastern European countries before the Iron curtain.came down worried that someone might betray you to the authorities. Because being with a narcissist can feel like being with a government informer at times.
It’s so strange because while dating a covert narcissist, I felt so guilty every time I sensed something was wrong. I’d always blame myself and perceive it as self sabotage.
The love bombing, which was always publicized for the world to see, the bursts of anger which were always my mistaken interpretation , the self-aggrandizing lies, the “no, I did not say that”, and literally the “of course, I’ll take advantage of relationships to get what I want”, were all ignored because he was “such a nice guy.”
This one time we were in the middle of a horrible fight and he was beyond aggravated until I mentioned: “I’ll tell every one we know about who you really are”. His entire demeanor changed and he switched into the nicest person in the world again. Just like that, like flipping a switch. And there we were, back together again.
He made me realize that not all nice people are good people. Long story short, listen to your gut ❤
When I told mine I would tell everyone what he was really like he said “ who’s going to believe you ? “And walked away with a nasty smirk .
They’re the type of person to start a fight and run away from it
yes
Or lashes out
Absolutely. They like to start stuff then play the victim when they get in trouble. "Everyone is picking on me... I did nothing wrong." All the while threatening to call the police...
@@kenhart8771I lash out....yes, I'm guilty...but it's because of their insanity for lack of boundaries, gas lighting, blame shifting, Contradictions, hypocrisies and guilt trips. I was losing my mind. I can't maintain normal emotional control while being in the of insanity. It's nuts !!!!
@@clintonnagy1662But they want you to lash out. So they can point the finger at you and make accusations at you. You can't be around these people... If you think you might last out. You always need total emotional control. They want you to fall apart and explode so everyone can see your the problem, when really your the victim of their bullshit.
God bless you. My Mom demolished me. Hated my success. After six decades of recovery work, I am hitting gold (face the reality - it really did happen. My own mother who was supposed to support and help and teach me, leaving me strong and intact, not feeling beaten down and worthless and hopeless). I had no idea as a child. My precious UA-camrs have helped a lot!!!
Anytime I would show any happiness, My mom ask me if I was on drugs. Then I would get sad again.
And no I wasn't on anything.
They can't stand when you have any type of success, no person, no friend you ever meet is good enough for them. Everyone has flaws and she looks for them and complains about them.
be strong and happy; you are the best - always remember; my mother was evil ...
😭😭
I hear you. My childish mother was jealous of me from the time I was a child. She could hide it at times but other times her jealousy came out spontaneously. Creepy little girl. 😮
same the competitiveness was so toxic glad i nc'd the lunatic
I married into a narcissistic family and learned slowly what covert narcissism is all about. I wish I understood it back then because I had to uncover what I was dealing with over time. When I first noticed a few odd behaviors, I was simply told that the person was "overbearing and domineering." Peeling back the onion over the first 5 years was super disturbing. I keep a very detailed journal of my life in general so I have been able to put together pieces of behaviors and incidents over time to see the pattern. I had never heard of the attention to the dogs more than children before, but that is also ringing some bells for me in this particular relationship. Thank you for such great content. So insightful!
I'm glad for you that you kept a journal. I wish I had. Trying to bring up the things I had to bury and forget has been difficult. There were too many years to be able to sort it all out. I lack so many points of reference so it is difficult to remember the way things happened.
@thegridrunner9976 I send my backup to our home network. Also to the "cloud" into two programs. Ones encrypted, my 3 adult sons have all my passwords AND my backups 😅
I married into a family with a covertly narcissistic parent as well, but having been raised by an overt narcissist I only thought that this person pissed me off due to their lack of boundaries. I just assumed this person was a spoiled brat who had never been reined in. It took years to realize that it wasn't a matter of indulgence; the family survived by acquiescing whenever possible, hunkering down when the storms struck, and hitting a mental reset button after the storm passed.
This person once turned to my husband in front of me and said, "I told you years ago you should've taken away her parental rights. You didn't listen to me." Thanks to the reset button, my husband has no recollection of this!
We would visit my in-laws and have a difficult time, talk about it on the way home, and as soon as we hit the state border, he would turn to me and the kids with a cheerful smile and say "wasn't that a great visit? When can we go back?" We would all stare at him like he had three heads.
And as I'm typing this, I am struck by the realization that there is another covert narcissist in this family, the one ostracized by the narcissistic parent and backed up by their enabler. Suddenly, this family dynamic makes more sense.
I married into a narc family as well. My sil and mil were described to a T in this video. I’ve been no contact for 3 years and it’s one of the best decisions of my life and saved my marriage.
@@munequa81 I drastically restrict my time with my in-laws. We have always limited the access they had to our children as well, and when they were old to make their own decisions about visits my husband and I backed our kids' boundaries.
Your grandkids are not obligated to stay in your presence while you pick on them and demand they be servants. If you've showered them with gifts they don't "owe you" love and gratitude. If you go into their suitcases and wash their laundry while they're not around, they are not required to fall all over themselves with undying gratitude for your martyrdom.
They don't have to hide who they are and keep quiet while you say awful things to them. They can rock your boat as wildly as they are comfortable with, and they are justified in avoiding your venom as much as they need to.
My MIL will tell the world she dotes upon her grandchildren. She did, until they turned into actual people with opinions. The minute my younger daughter (who strongly resembles her) hit puberty, MIL relentlessly competed with her and picked on her appearance. That girl looks like a goddess, btw. When my older daughter transitioned, she went from pampered boy king to persona non grata. After years, MIL still calls her by her birth name and gender and tries to blame it on being too old to learn new things. This despite her having publicly said all the usual supportive LGBTQ things when my daughter came out.
Nope, nope, nope. Our kids have the right to escape our childhoods.
I could cry. Thank you for this validation and closure. I’m not crazy I’m just informed. Other people don’t see it but I think you’ve nailed it.
The fake empathy is how I spotted this narcissist I had to room with. It's so subtle, and it took me a while to notice. The sudden change when they think the social engagement is done is where I noticed. It's like he didn't know he needed to keep his mask on until I was gone.
You might have identified an ASPD. We don't fake unpathy
watch for micro expressions of disgust, they have disgust at others and themselves.
@@deborahcurtis1385YESSS! My sister is the same way , when I’m crying or talking about something I’m ashamed on she makes this disgust look. I’m so glad I can diagnose these people now, it makes me feel less crazy. Cuz they will paint you as the problem and manipulate you
This was a great video on Coverts. A good indicator is if you begin to have self esteem issues during or after time spent with them. It’s not NORMAL to feel that way. Pay attention. Thanks 😊
one of the things that took me for a while about ex covert narc who was sadistic and paranoid when i spent time with her or talk to her on the phone i used to feel bad and tire
THIS! Some of my signs are feeling anxious, wondering if I did something wrong, and replaying conversations in my head. People in narc forums are so justifiably afraid of winding up with another narc (me too!), but paying attention to how WE feel makes things so much easier. We don't have to stick around to confirm if someone is a narc if we just honor our right to spend time with people who make us feel good. People who haven't been abused understand this intuitively.
My self esteem took a big hit in my last relationship. The guilt trips, blame shifting, and gas lighting tactics wore me down. I questioned my own worth. It was 18 months of that crap. Hopefully I'll regain my value and move on. I dont want to suffer another one of these relationships again. Its a blackhole to hell.
Exactly right. B4 i met my ex i was vibrant, confident and for the most part pretty happy go lucky. About 2 months into the relationship(living together) my confidence went down. She started pointing out every flaw of mine which most were her own self projections which I didn't realize at the time. Nothing I did was ever good enough and felt like a complete failure as a man by the end. I'm just now starting to feel like myself again after 8 months apart. I very was naive b4 I met her(always wanting to see the best in people). I didn't know sadistic people like this that existed and could actually hide it so well and manipulatie you into thinking your the problm.. I would have given my life to try and bring her peace and happiness, and I was nothing but an object to her. I pity people like her though . I can't imagine the pain they feel inside to wanna treat people like this. It's heartbreaking, especially when you truly loved them. Most painful experience of my life but with a silver lining. Taught me 2 things; Self Love and forgiveness. I'm a better man because of this🙏❤️🩹
I’ve watched hundreds of hours of videos on narcissism and this is one of the best ever on covert narcs. Thank so much!!
Thank you for letting me know! I appreciate that. As usual, I am pleased it was helpful but sad it is needed :(!
My mother down to a tee!
I went no contact with her after her last outburst / attack early July!
It was really difficult at first but then it gets easier!
I’ve seen her twice (at funerals she didn’t expect me to attend) there was no communication!
I kept my head held high and I felt very proud of myself.
She is who she is and I now understand that her ‘demons’ are not my priority or problem!
You deserve peace as an individual family isn’t worth spending this limited existence in agony
@@UlfhednarAxe thank you ☺️
Right on, I went No Contact w/my parents the summer before last. 👏
I have been wrestling with the fact that I had to cut ties from my brother, who is also a covert narcissist. I can’t imagine cutting ties with a mother. You must be very strong. I was raised by a narcissist, grandmother, and then she had a stroke and her personality completely changed, so that was interesting, but to cut ties with family has been difficult. Takes a lot of strength but the peace is next level so it makes it worth it.
2 years for me!
The whole gossipping about everyone wearing down one's faith in humanity definitely happened to me. My narcissistic mother would always give me high praises in public for minor things, yet in private treat me as a friendless, underachieving loser. In addition, whenever she'd talk behind one of her friends' backs, I just knew that this was how she talked about me to others.
I ended up thinking all women were like this and it led to a genuinely sexist streak in me that I've been eager to correct. The first step involved... just talking to other women and realising the vast majority are sane. Simple, but necessary lol
The vast majority are not sane, sorry
@@SardonischerDeanit’s probably more telling of something with you, that you attract insane women over and over. That’s that pattern that requires work. Keeping that mindset won’t help you at all you will just settle for insanity bc you think “they’re all that way”. That is a you problem.
@@jaynej2884 I actually have a woman that's amazing but OK lol
"Behind your back..." - it is a key concept for the covert narcissist
They are good at stabing you in the back!!! I am a survivor of their abusive behavior and they did not destroy me! I have seen their masks fall, and it is pure evil. Walking away from them was easy but leaving my empathetic mother was hard.
3 counselors told me my sister is a covert narcissist..a red flag was her response to my request for some help with our aging mother ,she said she couldn’t help and that I was making her feel bad to ask….( she is quite wealthy, can easily fly anywhere anytime ,and does not work but has no time to help) .
That bit at the end about animals was spot on. My mother (who exhibits a plethora of narcissistic traits) has quite a fondness for animals, dogs and cats alike. The only cat she doesn't like is my cat Charlie, who is shy and skittery (all of my cats are rescued strays and ferals), and so he hides and hasn't warmed up to her. It took me well over a year of patience and consistency to slowly tame him, and now he can't get enough love, but only from me. Rather than understanding things from his perspective and empathizing with his wariness, she simply doesn't like him for the exact reason you mentioned....he isn't giving her the adoration she thinks she deserves. Going to watch your vid on narcissistic moms next, thanks for sharing!
The covert husband is very good at making you look like the covert narcissist. They force you into their behaviors if you don’t know what you’re dealing with. Having a covert mom set me up for more pain and anguish than I knew.
The worst part is there's just so damn many of them out there.
@@sine8811 No.
YES
@@sine8811 That is a loaded question there. I've observed that people tend to see negative traits more in whatever political leaning doesn't align with theirs. It's a human thing. I've seen narcissistic traits in politicians of all persuasions. All the more reason to be careful, just because someone is on the same page politically with you doesn't mean they're not a narc. We tend to see people with whom we agree through rose colored glasses. Kind of like when we fall in love with someone who love-bombs us. Politicians are masters at love-bombing, anything to get your vote.
1 in 6
@@barbarashushack 1-6% apparently, not 1 in 6 people
This is 100% my last boyfriend. The worst part is that everyone thinks he is a great man. Yet, I was on the receiving end of his psychological and emotional abuse.
Same here. The one I was with was a serial cheater. He then proceeded to rewrite history and say he is the victim of all of his
Exes ever. He owns a gym and all his bro followers are an echo chamber when he decides to put down all his exes
Every time a man treats a woman badly he suddenly becomes a narcissist😅😅 he probably just wasn't into you
@@sniper1444 Not the smartest comment I've read in this thread.
Be strong.
The confusion you experience while with a covert narcissist is indescribable. I've had boyfriends that were abusive but it's just so different. CN are so convincing that not only will the things they do break your heart but it completely throws u off because it's something u can't even picture them doing. If that makes sense. They make u believe they are a certain kind of person not capable of doing the things that your ex's did or what would hurt u most. That's what's so confusing then they blame u somehow because it's always your fault. I have been with a covert narcissist for 10yrs. No matter how many times I have been through the cycle or seen him rage I still can't picture it when he is love bombing me. Its the craziest thing.
I guess everyone is different but for me the constant state of confusion is the absolute worst and most abusive part. But there are plenty other ways they abuse their partners… Withholding and silent treatment. You feel like your going to explode inside. Mine does this so I freak out and then he can blame me for the argument. Physically abusive. When a CN feels trapped they will do anything they can to regain that power and control. Or take something from you what u won't give them. Sexually abusive. Blaming u for watching porn, sex shaming u, withholding sex, having sex with u while your asleep. Blaming you for everything. Blaming you for having to blame you!
Additionally, That feeling when your partner cheated and you don't have the courage to leave him / her so you just death with the pain and live everyday asking questions about your worth. This pain is different from the cheating one_living and seeing him everywhere anticipating when he or she do it again. The best thing is to hire a private investigator Barryinvestigation@gmail. com to help you spy on their cellphone remotely just like he did for me...
Sex with you will YOUR ASLLEP ( NOT ABLE TO CONSENT) IS RAPE yes a partner can & does rape your body knows it is rape I've been there I confronted the person multiple times and they laughed I was their wife I had no where to go WHT WAS I GOING TO DO??? I'm not in tht situation now but it sounds like the person is thts bad I feel for you deeply seek help almost anything is better then constant screaming and then the you don't exist treatment then the RAPE a studio is better then where you are you need peace your soul is tired I wish you nothing but calmness in the future
Thank you for reminding me of what normal, sane, emotionally healthy people are.
We are a family trying to heal from the deep discard of a covert narcissist.
Our only worth was as props & to hear his bitter resentment & jealousy of others.
He lacked any empathy for us, his family. Yet he presented himself as a highly personable, empathetic mentor in his career.
Our praise & attention never provided the CAREER & EGO GLORY he sought.
It was like living in black & white to witness such changes in character. Surely nobody outside of our home would ever believe THE TRUTH we lived with.
Our children could watch videos of their father publicly mentoring others with great care & attention IN FRONT OF THE CAMERA on UA-cam. He never spared time for his own children like that, ever.
We were there to serve a man with no conscience & a hollow soul.( lacked any REAL depth of love for anyone )
Sounds like a typical passive aggressive two faced bastard
She was the same
ua-cam.com/video/buWKu14q-sw/v-deo.html
Her discard was deliberately acute of course.
That must have been so painful for the children. And for you that you and the children have been the only ones who could always see the difference between the fake and the truth and to know that no one outside could believe it. Stay safe and keep healing. It's unbelievable how this personality disorder is recognizable through different countries, cultures and languages. I remember all partners of my dad always saying the same about him: Jekyll & Hyde,
split personality,
why he keeps behaving us much worse than anyone random outside?, etc....
I liked them always more than my own dad. I left home and told police once I don't wanna be with him anymore. I was 14. Such a silly childish act. I couldn't explain them anything. I didn't know how. And not one close sane family member could do anything about that. Even the adults were totally cought in his nets full of lies, manipulations and threats. Each of them had to do his or her best to keep at least self in safe. And some failed anaway. My father is an advocate, unfortunately. The only who always kept silence about him was my mum. I am convinced now, more than ever in my life, she payed for this the highest price. Her imune system failed totally after more than 10 years of psycho terror caused by him. The illness went so quickly. She died 1 year after the diagnose. I am 43 and still alive.
Wow. I lived 21 years with a spouse who hits every single point. Through every single year of our marriage I was on the defensive as her and I constantly circled the question of what was wrong with me. The whole time I also wondered why all my friends, family, and co-workers, one-by-one, all stopped associating with me. It was only after the marriage ended I slowly began to discover the outrageous lies that were told. It was only in counseling that I began to see the truth of the mental manipulation and emotional gymnastics, and gain the strength to get out.
Our refrain: To find out what is wrong with me.
Same happened to me, all by the same playbook. You'll spend years trying to get back the person you were, and lost, while you were married. Marry a good women and you'll be happy for life, marry a covert narcissist, and you'll become a philosopher.
@@polymathematics5837hahaha that was a good one.
@@polymathematics5837Facts
Sometimes we,dont noticed that the person which we consider part of our life are : Narcicistic one
My experience being with a covert for 2 years and engaged was a blessing. As awful as it was, It exposed the things I needed to look at in myself. Why I allowed it, why in my gut I knew what was happening but still accepted it.
They prey on a particular type of person. That’s where we come in. A lot of times people get out of these relationships and find out what the hell that was and often overlook the things about themselves that allowed the narcissist make their way into our lives. It’s not that there’s something wrong with us but we are in an unhealthy emotional state to put up with obvious abuse. I was a shell of myself mentally and physically at the end of it. I sucked at setting boundaries, no self esteem, lacking confidence, didn’t love myself, self doubt, and so on.
It’s the hardest thing to admit these things about ourselves. But it’s necessary if you want to attract good in your life. Your have to be honest with yourself.
My advice is to avoid the victim mentality after this. It’s completely understandable and I mean no judgement to how anyone tried to pull themselves up after this. You’re hurt and it’s valid and nobody deserves that.
You deserve better than what was given to you and I hope you find it in yourself first so the right people can come into your life.
This is regarding a romantic relationship that one has choice to be in, not a child with a parent or something where the person is born into it. I couldn’t imagine enduring this for a whole childhood. Another year in it and I might not be here so my heart hurts who deals or dealt with this.
totally agree, I needed to look at myself and be honest.
I grew up w mom being this way and then all of my relationships up to now. I'm only just realizing I was never living for myself. I'm not familiar with myself and my own desires and joy, but I'm learning!!!
I agree with this comment. I know full well, I dislike myself. I have my entire life. I am working on that at the moment ❤
Thank you for that
Well said. Thank you so much for your encouraging words. Really helped me. I'm sure it's helping others as well. Thanks for sharing.
I've had a covert narcissist friend whom I've had a crush on. It's scary how much it sounds like you're talking about him directly, like you knew him personally the way that I did.
If it looks like a duck and walks like a duck..YOU BETTER RUNNNNN AND RUN FAR AND FAST!! Save yourself a lifetime of hurt..USE YOUR HEAD AND NOT YOUR HEART!!
I hope you kept your distance , I’m only getting away after 43 years of marriage, I’m sick of the lies cheating manipulation and put downs .
I liked that you clarified that passive aggressive behavior doesn’t always need to come from a manipulation. I had a friend in high school who was very passive aggressive. She was never manipulating though! It stopped right away when I told her it was more than fine though not want the same things and that the friendship we had should have room for both our voices. She came from a home with a very controlling father, and had little to nothing to say about different things when around him. Her passive aggresive behavior came from frustration and also being scared of speaking her mind, while feeling a need to be more active in different social settings outside of the home. I have no doubt it would have gone sideways if I had been upset at her or tried to change her behavior in negative way.
being passive aggressive is manipulation.
@@thunderousapplause Yes, say that again!!! The writer above wrote "Her passive aggresive behavior came from frustration and also being scared of speaking her mind". This alone should be enough to detect the intention to manipulate in order to get the desired outcome, since speaking her mind would have made the writer accept or reject whatever it is that the "friend" wanted.
I had a psychiatrist who was a covert narcissist. He gaslit me and accused me of lying about everything including being Autistic. I hate that I ever trusted that man or throught he had an ounce of confidence. When the back handed compliments, passive aggressive behavior turned into storming out of sessions, never apologizing, and abrupt resignation for some other more very serious mistakes. Everything I said was interpreted as some secret slight toward him, "you are just trying to make me feel stupid" or "stop trying to impress me" were common replies. When I was diagnosed with a rare and painful blood disease by another Doctor he absolutely lost his mind and accused me of everything in the book even though I never asked for a Dx. I never felt so betrayed.
Yikes, even worse that it came from a psychiatrist, I'm sorry to hear that you had to deal with that trauma.
99.9% of psychologists are drawn to the study and the position because they want to understand what's wrong with themselves.
@@ShaareiZoharDaas I completely agree. The saying 'hurt people hurt people' and 'healed people heal people' rings true. If I psychologist or psychiatrist hasn't dealt with their own traumas they are more bound to hurt others. If they have addressed their own trauma in a healthy manner then they are more likely to be a vehicle for healing.
@@ShaareiZoharDaas Yeah…I was assigned a new resident physician every 8 weeks (teaching hospital rotation) and I met some VERY unhealthy people that were either PA’s or residents…I won’t go into details but that got out of hand as well. I’m not trying to judge but when your personal issues start effecting patients in a very bad way you need to get help yourself
@@calvinfinney5083 Yeah this guy was clearly unhealthy had admitted to having a heroin problem that only stopped because it got expensive. I’m really not trying to judge but i can’t imagine not doing drugs only because they are expensive. Spent my whole life loving therapy as it helped me grow so much but this experience was traumatic af.
Unfortunately I actually have a lot of empathy and that combined with trauma means I sort of attract damaged people and stick with them far longer than I should. I respect people who can learn and grow and turn it into something they use to help others but as soon as you start projecting your issues onto me and sort of falling off the wagon it’s not okay
My mother is a full blown narcisst and extremely cruel with people, specially those who should be the closest and most beloved ones... while at same time she's ok with animals and even owns a dog. She used to say "people who love animals are good people" and "I LOVE animals, much more than people" and things like that, now I got why.
I used to groom dogs and so many of our customers met these criteria. They loved their dogs more than their children and were proud to tell you so. It was an eye-opener
I take it, pets are most times easier to control and they love control. Royalty to their pets in their
own little worlds. Most pet owners- nothing like Narcs of course.
@@jhavajoe3792 Spot on, for the dog narcisstic owner is a literal god and he loves it. Beside what helps greatly is dog's personality - they're very dependent and easily bonding animals. The owner is everything for them, even if treats them badly, that's why they love dogs so much. That shit won't pass with eg reptile pets or even a cat, so they prefer their ultimately submissive and loyal canine.
Well, but it is normal. Animals are way better than people.
@annabeauty7084 yeah, I agree it's something to look out for if a person mainly wants worship from their pet and stuff like that. But a lot of us just enjoy that dogs are non-judgmental, affectionate, and spontaneous. My dog reminds me to live in the moment every day. (He's a handful lol) 💜
A lot of people also enjoy caring for pets. Being responsible for a pet means you have a reason to get out of bed every day, so it's wonderful for managing depression!
Thankyou for the bit about the dogs. That makes so much sense, but I've never seen it until you pointed it out.
For those who’ve experienced this, it definitely resonates. I hope this was helpful!
As a victim/survivor of many Narcissists,particularly IN my family! I have developed "Narc-dar", an inner warning system for recognizing these types! I may not always be right, but at least I'm forewarned to be on guard.
Or maybe you are one
@@soberanisfam1323 The Narcdar-dar
@@dancroitoru364 it takes one to know one and the chances of op having narc is huge due to having MANy narc in their family
@@soberanisfam1323 no. most likely it goes like this: Barbara equipped with a psychology PhD discovered that YT business is even more profitable than clinic work because for each page of DSM V she could make literally 1 mil views from gen M/Z teenage souls (although most of them are in their late thirties) validating them in thinking they are victims of a truly sick world. so no, 99.9% of the folk here have no narc, no bipolar, no etc and their families, friends, bosses are ok or at least no more a-holes than most people. -)
@@dancroitoru364 interesting theory
It’s WAY more than 10% of the population. In my life of dealing with one and divorcing that same one, I have three of five friends who have done the same because of the same! One friend is in her third divorce from one. That’s a very high percentage
I do understand there is a data collection difference between official diagnosis and having the characteristics. Bottom line: Narcs do not get appropriate help, nor a formal diagnosis.
Recent studies and Dr. Ramani estimate there are over 18%.
Yup, yup, yup. Co-workers are a HUGE under mentioned population. Especially CLEAR after working 2-3 jobs for 20+ yrs and THAT BEHAVIOR was more prevalent than not...then ADD longe term friends & OMG don't ever forget about neighbors! ...it's almost like being surrounded & suffocated by mental illness on ALL fronts...after you begin healing and several yrs IN you realize the Level of TOXIC in just your small little world
Well there are people with narcissistic behavior, habits, or have phases and moments of dishonesty and then they are people who live whole lives that way. Just because we can live so much in our ego sometimes doesn’t makes use full blown narcissists
Narcs can tell when someone was abused and isn't aware yet. Often times it starts with a narc parent or parents. They don't teach boundaries because they want to break yours, so someone else who does, can tell you don't have them. Once I realized what I was dealing with it all fell into place.
My beloved mom was a covert narcissist, and I didn't even realize it until she was in her last years and I was taking care of her. She was constantly triangulating--she would try to come between my husband and me, my daughters and me, my grandkids and me. She would talk to me about them, and vice versa. If I bought something for myself, she was angry if I didn't be the exact same thing for her--even if she didn't need it. She loved playing the martyr. She tried and tried to get me back into the bashful, insecure child I had been. When I set boundaries, she called every member of her family and told them how lonely, how neglected, how she hadn't had breakfast yet even though it was soooo late (she had), on and on. Very difficult to deal with. She has passed on and I miss her. How I wish, though, that I had understood her psychological issues when I was much younger.
Nope not NPD
My dear mom turned 70 this year and I've been living abroad since 4 years now and I realized lately she suffers from Covert narcissistic personality disorder. I too wish I had learned even thou I knew something was wrong. I basically went grey rocking before realising it was a thing, I actually felt it was what I needed. When I discovered it I felt reborn and like I could be happy again but as soon as I restarted sharing my stuff in a couple of occasions I had nightmares and bad stuff happening to me. It's shocking how even from distance, they can cause this.
@@lv4984sameee!
Barbara i have honestly never seen a video that nails it as much as this one. The bit at the end about the dogs...i was already impressed but my jaw hit the floor. So accurate, i feel like maybe it's not in my head for the first time. Thank you
THANK YOU for mentioning the dog topic with regard to narcissists. I’ve been saying for years that narcissists love their dogs because they worship them at their feet no matter what; even if the narcissist abuses them, their dogs will show them love & devotion. From my experience, narcissists tend to hate cats. Why? Because you actually have to EARN their love & affection. Entitled narcissists can’t vibe well with that kind of feline energy.
I experienced this too!
I'm not keen on cats but adore dogs, and now wondering if I'm a Narc 🤔😮
I love many animals and keep house rabbits and you have to earn their trust, love and affection
Because rabbits are a prey species (unlike cats and dogs, both predator species) it takes a more deliberate investment on your part to build a relationship with a rabbit. A rabbit may start out as shy, afraid, very independent, or hesitant to trust you. It takes deliberate action on your part to build trust and mutual understanding with these sensitive, intelligent prey animals.
We've huge bonds with our rabbits and hope that means we're not narcs 🐇🐇 despite my not being keen on cats
Whoaaaa I always thought to myself that my ex-husband loved his 2 Doodles more than me. He cared about them sleeping in the bed more than he cared about me detesting it.
That was an early warning sign. Next time I’ll take it as the red flag that it is.
You exactly correct! 🙌
Not if the dog is drawn to the SO (whoops)
Thank you for this insightful video. With my covert narcissistic mother, it’s pets in general. She can be so kind and loving when it comes to our cats, but can be so unfeeling and unkind to the human being (namely me, her punching bag!). She checks ALL the boxes of a covert narcissist, and excessively indulges in the “humble brag.”
Your mother is only OVERLY kind towards your cats because, she wants YOU to feel LESS than they are! Don’t fall for her tactics but, if you already have… just know you’re worth MORE than what she’ll ever be able to provide for you!!! Peace and Love, my friend! 🙏🏽❤️🌻
@@nernatbentley3778 Thank you! That’s very nice of you to say. Peace & Blessings to you as well 💐💐
😢
@@breakthroughmoment1647 Thank you! 🙏🏽
My mothers theme she pushes that I’ve just figured out when cleaning up another damned mess she allowed to happen…poor sweet old lady with two crazy kids that are out to get each other…and then does this back and forth thing with me and my siblings…telling me they’re out to get me and telling them I’m out to get them…so now my siblings that take after her are on a war path I’ve learned…they’ve sabotaged every relationship and friendship I’ve had..the ones who tried sticking around always end up leaving because they start getting attacked by my family..,but I’m the crazy one for getting upset when I lose yet another friend or a job or my neighbors start targeting me based on what my family says about me…they even had my dog taken from me..
I remember being with a new friend, who seems to compete with me, in appearance. But the thing that turned me off, was how she treated a poor lady who approached us for money. She insulted the woman over and over and continued to criticize the woman afterwards. I couldn’t believe how cruel she could be. I decided to put a hold on getting close to this person.
That was a good choice cause i ignored how a covert treated poor people on the the street(people Who aproached to us) and payed de price
Most women are self centered, lying, cheating, nasty. Good luck finding a woman with the values women are supposed to have. I'm glad you are able to walk away! Most men are trapped with these psychotic women. Good luck to you.
BINGO
Yes yes yes!!! My friend always told me that I didn't have any empathy because ' You don't understand me' as she'd quote. And the thing is she would tell me how empathetic she is and I believed her until I wasn't sure anymore of how to describe or define her and her personality. I was confused because she's an animal lover and has cats and dogs as pet but when it comes to children she doesn't like them, as she'd put it ' children are annoying they're alway cry and whine '. And when it comes to people who for the lack of a better word belongs to lower grade job or lower in status she'd just act look upon them and show no respect and also avoid any form of communications, even if they help her she'd never acknowledge or appreciate or or just be cordial for their help, she treats them as commodity by just paying them back in cash, that's all.
How a person treats someone who can't do anything for them, says everything.
Thank you for all of your videos. My mom was a covert narcissist. It’s actually playbook. This knowledge has helped me so much to heal and know it wasn’t me. I was a child.and YES my mom loved her dogs. I thought she definitely liked them way more than me.
Thank you! Most of the videos I’ve looked at about covert narcissism give examples that are way more blatant than my former “best friend” who I have been distancing from once I realized the hit the relationship was making to my health. This video was very validating and helped me understand the situation.
Hands down one of the best videos to explain Covert Narcissist, my ex boyfriend was one and it took me a long time to figure it out but boy I was so confused. He checked everything you point out. So scary and I’m so grateful that I got out of that so fast. It is extremely damaging to self esteem it hurt me deeply that I had to be so firm to cut contact when I feel so much In my heart he knew that and kept pushing so sad
Explained my mother to a T. And she went to extremes! Its amazing how you grow up in this environment and think this is normal until you see other family dynamics. Alot of damage was done, I've gone no contact and am now in a much healthier place in my life, Mentally and physically
You are truly the first person who has absolutely 10/10 nailed it. You understand exactly what the covert narcissist I was dealing with is like, you described every stage I was exposed to with her throughout a couple of years... Their level of insecurity and jealousy is elite level of disgusting. The most cold & shallow human beings to walk the earth. They LOVE your pity. Everything is about THEM! Everything!! 🤢🤮 God help heal these sick humans. 🕊🛐
The animal thing really hit me. Our family had horses. The horses ate before the rest of us. We were damn near homeless because of these horses. One dare not criticize the horses, or else!
What a terrible position to put a child in, I'm so sorry, you deserved better. 🙏
The same. Plus my father is an alcoholic so there is the alcohol that is first on his list, than the amount of horses he is not able to sustain and then there is the terrible family who "left him all alone" with poor him and his poor horses that he still keeps reproducing although they're in a terrible state.
@@askarufus7939I will drink to dat. 🍷
Same! My mom would love on her dog like it was her baby…. I remember feeling that I wish I was the dog or I wish I could feel that kind of love from her….
😮Oh😮my😮goodness!😮
This is not one of the more common discussions even though I believe that it is commonly experienced. I actually believe it is experienced far more than what people realize because many of those rodeo/horse families are rotten to the core, often times the parents & children involved can be very egocentric and narcissistic (probably diagnostically so) The extreme competitiveness. The push for perfection the push on their children to succeed so they can vicariously succeed through their children garnering more attention and praise. Some of those rodeo people are beyond fanatical…they’re nuts.
My experience was not the rodeo crazy narcissistic environment though as those types often require a certain amount of wealth to procure the coveted breeds & to pay the entry fees, the travel fees and the trailers to travel etc
My experience was my dad had dreams of owning a ranch and we had anywhere from 15 to 29 horses at a time. Always .
My dad had been in a work related accident that had rendered him legally paralyzed, even though he could still walk & pretty well do everything they couldn’t get a doctor to sign a release so he lived on $1200 a month from Social Security and him and my mom had 9 kids in total 7 were living at the house as the other two were older. My mom could never keep a job- combination of my dad sabotaging it, and her inability to be a reliable employee because we never were able to keep running vehicles for any length of time and all the stress she would often be unavailable or we would call her work nonstop and so she could never keep a job so we were basically a family of anywhere from 9 to 11 people living on $1200 a month with 15-30 horses and those horses came above and before everything else…the horses needed hay. If they did get money, it would be spent on things like a horse trailer, but no truck to pull it. My dad was very narcissistic, and I sometimes wonder if my mother was not a covert narcissist, I believe that her intentions were true most of the time, but I also watched her manipulate the people around her. She was always a victim and people were always helping her and she would never admit it, but I think she used my dad‘s abuse and our struggles and poverty as a means of garnering sympathy and attention from others, but also as a means of surviving, because people would give her things and do things for her, because they felt bad for this woman with all of these children anyway, my point was that the horses were fed before we were, and that’s a tough way to live and I am sorry you went through that.
Sometimes the “I do everything for everybody else” is an actual fact of those who are extremely empathetic and compassionate…those whose kindnesses have been taken for weakness (over and over again) by narcissists/users. This includes being a safe place to fall (a listening ear) for family and acquaintances. HOWEVER, when the kind and compassionate ones need a shoulder to cry on or a listening ear, they’re met with quick brush offs like “You’ll get through it, you’re strong” or “this too shall pass”. They often have NO ONE around them who’s emotionally intelligent enough to be present with them when they’re experiencing real/serious life challenges. Narcissistic people are shallow and cannot face or handle their own emotions, let alone hear (or care) about those of others.
Absolutely spot on
Thank you for saying this. I try my best as others to be empathetic and kind and it sometimes feels as if it gets thrown out the window and brushed aside. This is how I feel with my family but mostly my mother. Then she’ll toss me aside with her having it worse than me and everyone else. I believe myself and others in my family are terrified of her at times and she doesn’t understand why.
@@katierucker2870 You're welcome, love. And it may be that you just naturally ARE very empathic and kind - not actiually having to "try your best" to be that way (at least, that's the way I am...and sometimes I have wished that I weren't).
I'm sorry you and your family are on the receiving end of your mum's pain and I hope that she is somehow, in some way gains some awareness - a true realization - as it will bring her relief as well as you all, her family, which deep down I'm sure she wouldn't want to have any estrangement from or resentment for when it comes time for her to drop the body. Hurt people DO hurt other people...sometimes they truly cannot help it because the ego mind (which is what they identify with/as most) is too proud to address the REAL/underlying issues that they're struggling with and they usually won't ask for help, not even from the people who they THINK they can trust. They're like frightened children who FEEL utterly unworthy of love and kindness (though they definitely do WANT love), simply lashing out and throwing tantrums. It's sad. So many days, weeks, moths, years, decades...in excruciating emotional pain. I wish there was an eraser of sorts that would allow me to just erase all of their pain/traumatic thoughts and memories away.
Warmest regards and best wishes for you and your family in the coming year and onwards.
Peace and Love (XOX!),
Renée
I was deeply betrayed by a covert narcissist who I thought was my best friend. She stabbed me in the back, lied to the other pastors and a pastor's wife about me (hubby was an unpaid assistant pastor at our church). They believed her and thought badly of me without verifying anything they were told.
At a meeting with the other pastors and her, my husband and I were stripped of all our church positions and told to leave the church, as a result of all the unverified stories she told about me. 💔
She claimed to care for me but didn’t come after me or apologize for what had happened to me and my husband. No remorse.
That episode crushed me and left me confused. What you just described here was her. A covert narcissist. Charming, always the victim, but really the perpetrator.
That must have been so painful 😢
@rivkaruthgolan It was. I literally had PTSD for quite a while, and for many years afterward, trusted no-one to be close friends with.
I've had a few very long medical and situational "time outs" since then (it will be 13 years on July 4th--yes, July 4th). During those isolated "time outs" I was able to safely unpack all that baggage privately with God and deal with it little by little.
In the years since, I have read lots of articles and books, watched many UA-cam videos, listened to podcasts, etc. These have given me words and concepts I didn't have before so I could properly process things and have a framework of reference. I am so grateful I've had these resources come my way.
I've now healed enough that I can again open my heart and make friends at our new church. I love and celebrate who I'm becoming. I have emotional skills to ward off the bad stuff in people instead of getting sucked in.
It’s good you don’t fear Christianity. I struggle with how to work out my faith. I’m all in for evangelism. It’s me I’m at a loss on how to comfort and encourage. Thank you for sharing.
@charminsky5738 I have been able to separate the acts of people from God himself and the church at large. At the meeting where we were kicked out, I felt the Holy Spirit speak to my heart to just let it happen. I sensed there were demons in the room having sway over the other people involved.
What was super painful at the time ended up being a blessing in disguise. It was disguised, all right. 🙄😉 For a long time, it was disguised. It was a long, hard road to process it and allow myself to be broken, chastened, and ultimately healed in the process as well.
Hubby and I needed to be expunged from that toxic environment and toxic relationships. We would not have left of our own accord. So we were forced to move on.
The original church we were at was Evangelical and kind of fundamentalist. I was becoming someone who was super judgey of others. It wasn't pretty. We have slowly evolved to realize who we are--fairly liberal believers. Ex-vangelicals. Each church we went to after getting kicked out was a stepping stone toward who we feel we truly are as believers and as people.
We are now attending our third church since being kicked out (we left the other two on good terms, it was just time for us to move on), and feel like we finally found our tribe. Never thought we'd be Episcopalian, but here we are. 🤷♀️😊
I hope you are able to find the way faith and the church works for you. Sometimes it can be a long process. ❤️
@@pinkrosessheilamy heart goes out to you. I am experiencing something very similar in church right now. A wolf in sheeps clothing covert narc betrayed me too. Turned my friends & church people against me, and tried to strip me of being able to serve. Church hurt is real, but I'm so glad God has walked you through healing. I know what you mean about being hesitant to make new girlfriends & trust.
This is spot on! Especially the part when the narc complains and as an empath, I want to help because I care and they really don't give a crap about you helping or even really care about you, for that matter! No one had ever mentioned that before in previous lectures. Thank you for the validation! ❤
I had a male covert narcissist friend (I'm also a male).
A lot of the abuse centered around feminising me. He always tried to make it seem (whenever I called them out on their behavior and how it made me feel bad) "like a woman", using terminology like "too sensitive" or "nagging". This is the tip of the iceberg, but I find it really interesting how much need there was to "demasculinize" me as their friend. It's almost like they are deeply misogynistic and tried to make me feel bad by making me feel like I'm more feminine than masculine, and that that's a "bad thing". He made it seem like my emotions were "too much" and I'm always creating drama.
It's interesting because my friend's father was an alcoholic and had passed away at young age (he opened up about this trauma VERY early which I didn't back then recognize as a red flag). He had a history of cheating on his girlfriend, rivalry between some other person in his "scene" (I still don't understand what it was about), he lost friends along the way, one of which said my friend was gaslighting him and he succumbed to reactive abuse (he was violent towards my friend after being emotionally abused by him, I imagine). He lost some friends but at the end in the discard he projected hard and said "no wonder you lose friends all the time", or that "I don't have problems like these with anyone else", implying that my problems were "wrong" because no one else had a similar problem with him (my problem was his distancing and lack of communication despite not being open about any problems between us).
It's a twisted world out there. Most humans are also (apologies for my language) fucking lost in their ways and life, and it's apparently difficult to be empathetic to others and realize that others have their own lives as well (you are not the only one who might be busy or has stuff going on that cause stress). I tolerated way too much because it was always made to seem like I'm the problem. I apologized incessantly, to the point where they got mad at me for apologizing (they literally said it's pissing them off that I apologize).
Well, that was when I snapped into reality. I realized they never apologize and that I also always apologize despite being the one to bring up an issue in THEIR behavior and its impact on MY emotions. This was the sole source of all our arguments and disputations. If only they didn't succumb to emotional abuse, we could be still friends. But someone who is never accountable cannot be in an intimate relationship/friendship with a person who is assertive and has boundaries. Trying to control someone who is in charge of their own life is doomed to fail, and thus we have the outcome: we are no longer friends and I've removed them from my life and all social media.
I'm sure my friend feels 100% justified in all their actions and is 100% convinced that they are the victim and I'm the problem.
and you can take out the "almost like" before the "he was misogynistic" Good for you for getting out!
Damn what an awful friend that was actual your enemy
I am proud of you for standing up for you and being you. You win yourself
Nagging as I understand it refers to complaining about minor things that don't have negative consequences if delayed and/or left alone to resolve on their own. Feelings are your own, so it's not neutral viewpoint. What kind of things did he do? I'm trying to figure out the behavior of someone I had to break up with.
A lot of male narcissist coping mechanisms are morally wrong like cheating, and they try to hide behind misogyny as a way to feel like they are not lacking character and morals.
It is the idea that "all men cheat" or if you treat women like people you are somehow less than a man, or beta.
You being a man of character and calling their behavior out, ruins their smoke screen of trying to act as if they are not morally bankrupt, weak,and lack character.
So instead of acknowledging that they are the weak ones that lack the control a man with character would have, they instead project it onto you.
Covert females do the samething when another female gets attention they want. When I was younger you could tell by they commenting on a girl minding her own business but being noticed by men as " she thinks she's cute" comments smh.
I finally found out, after having a covert narcissist mother for 54 years that she is, in fact, a covert narcissist. So after a lifetime of mental abuse i can finally say: i now know what is wrong with her!!
And more important: i can finally heal and see things for what they realy are and also know that it wasn’t me!!! Better late then never, right?! 🥳🎉
Yes! Recovery and healing can happen at any age and it is so worth it. It is also so common for people not to realize this toll much later in life! I am sorry to hear it, yet I want to say how wonderful you are doing this work to heal! Wishing you all the best!
@@BarbaraHeffernan Thank you and i want to say thanx to all channels that talk about this for opening our eyes and making it possible for so many people to understand what they’re dealing with. It’s a true blessing!! 🙏🏻💜🕊️
@@moniquevanleeuwen6514
I realized with 55. I think is quite common due to the gaslighting and because it's a hard pill to swallow.
@@Lyrielonwind True!!
I hear you. Learned that my mom is a covert narc about a year ago. I'm 51. Hurt like hell because my dad died a few months ago and I'm a now self declared orphan. Next time I talk to my mom, it'll be to her ashes or her headstone. At least then I'll get heard ;-)
It seriously took me many years and her leaving and me struggling to finally come across these videos and showing that my ex was 100% a covert narcissist. Their insecurities and seeing her relationship with her mom really made me want to give her the world, but it always felt like an uphill battle and I couldn’t understand why she would cheat and it made me feel like I wasn’t doing enough and wasn’t good enough. She then left me. It’s so hard to get past someone that would say to your face that they love you when it was all just to control you
The narcissist bait is imparting the image of being friendly, loving and 😊caring, respectful, honest, faithful, family oriented, extremely sociable . Once his victim swallows the bait, he throws the net .
Yep. HE.
That is SO true about narcissists and their dogs. It can fool you into thinking maybe they are capable of empathy.
I love the way you worded this. That is exactly the problem!
They are unable to have empathy 99% of the time because they are so constricted in their ideas of perfection and expectations that only non humans can reach their standards if they even do
Oh my goodness. Yes. Her little chihuahua dogs that have all these health problems. And then she just couldn’t come to work because she might have to put one of them down. And on and on. So…. I mean I love my dogs and am upset when they aren’t well, but…..
Yes my narc had a rescue dog, seemingly brimming with love and empathy as i do with animals.
Until i saw his poor rescue, the one he claimed to love so much, be kicked the moment he was irritated. That was a horrific moment of realization for me. I couldnt ever imagine doing something like that. The mask came off. When i called it out, his response "shes just being dramatic yelping like that." I am the problem if i think there was something wrong with his behaviour.
Guess crying after being treated horribly for no reason was also me being "dramatic".
They are so skillful at hiding their true selves, they turn on u viciously when the mask slips and they know u know.
This is why I have long since rejected the idea of “pet lover = good person”. You don’t know the story behind closed doors. Most people don’t go around killing dogs or cats for fun so people earn way less points to me for doing something that is normal. On top of this, most of these types of people only really care about how they feel. The animal can give them “unconditional” love and keeps them looking like a good person on the outside. It’s all about what they gain and keep, even if the animal is kept in squalor. They will even put other people down from this sense of “moral” superiority they seem to have.
Be kind to your animal friends but to these types of people It’s all shallow.
The backhanded compliments, omg, they are almost funny to think about. I hadn’t been home to visit my mom in almost a year, and the first thing she said to me was, “Oh you look great. You haven’t gotten as fat as I thought you had when I saw your pictures on social media.” She can say it with a straight face, and totally dismiss any objection I have to being talked to that way. My feelings of being insulted just slide off of her like water on a duck’s back. But I can guarantee you, from personal experience, if anyone said anything even close to that to her, she would seethe about it for the next 20 years.
You hit the nail on the head about their hypocrisy! That's the hole in their gaslighting that we can escape through.
"But I can guarantee you, from personal experience, if anyone said anything even close to that to her, she would seethe about it for the next 20 years."
TRUTH! 🤔🙄💡🤓✈🌈🌿❤😃
How about this one: he )the guy she slept with for five months while telling me she needed to work on herself).
He was so much bigger than you the sex
Was
Really uncomfortable. Five months she drove two hours to another city to sleep with him.
She said this to me as if was receiving wonderful compliment.
You just described my older sister exactly! I always wondered what was wrong with her, appears helpless, so sweet, always broke, nobody loves her, coworkers hate her, on and on, finally broke off relationship earlier this year, just can’t handle all that drama
OMG! Same. She always the victim and people are “mean” to her. Never sees what she’s done wrong.
I broke off relationship too, couldn’t have been happier. Freeing from a narcissist is such a freeing feeling
I think your sister was narcissist victim
You just described my last ex. The final person I'll ever entertain any romantic interest in. He totally ruined me. I had a nervous breakdown thanks for enduring the awful abuse.
I am surrounded by covert narcissists in my life, (and one grandiose narcissist that is easier to recognise). The worst is my older sister, who was jealous of my birth, because my very existence threatened the attention she got from our mother. I spent my whole life being thrown under the bus, sabotaged and undermined by her passive aggressive behaviours. We are still in conflict at the ripe ages of 77 and 75. At this point I don't care a fig. I am fully self aware and that's all that's important. Great post, Barbara!
It sounds like maybe she was treated by your mother as the golden child, or she would have overgrown normal jealousy as a small child when a new baby was born?
@@galaxia4709 Exactly right; and I was blatantly trashed by my mother, as sis looked on with glee. She got her comeuppance in later life though, as I became successful and self aware, and her husband trashed her! Karma.
@@HelenaM-kt8ni Yes same with me, my 3 yr younger brother the golden child and my mom showing disrespect to me (its only become worse and very harsh to me), so he learned to disrespect me I think. Sadly a yr ago my brother passed away, this may seem fairly long ago but it isn't and still feels as 'young' news to me, we were soulmates when we were kids and it feels as if I lost a twin....but anyway, practically since my brother's passing my mom doesn't want to see me anymore. Then a while later it appeared to not be this resolute and she stands open to my calls but it all has to come from me and she never takes any initiative. This isn't doable and lately I haven't felt to call her, but it comes with a price, I am dependent on her to see my 8 yr old niece, daughter of my brother.
Much worse things have happened, with the bad wife my brother was married to, who didn't care he died and was happy to inherit his apartment, she and her family threw my mom and I out of his app when he wasn't even cold and had just passed a couple of hours ago, falsely accusing my mom and me and especially me. And my narcissistic flying monkey aunt (sister of my dad) who saw & grabbed the chance of her life and finally found her ultimate excuse to be able to be against me and is treating me as if I am a "criminal', she and her husband blindly believed the false accusations of my brother's family in law, and are both acting accordingly towards me. And then my blood own mom, the things she has said, blamed me of and the way she has treated me as well as certain triangle situations with the enemy my brother's wife, instead of being en-bloc as family together against her, since my brother's passing....
Sorry I didn't mean to write this long.
I have an ex girlfriend who turned out to be a covert narcissist and just as you pointed out she was in love with her dogs and she in fact ran a very large pet rescue that specialized in dogs and she was very hesitant to ever deal with cats. And of course she painted herself as a pillar of the community while delivering all of the behaviors that you described oh so well.
This sounds like my sister.
To me a sign is when they adopt children, huge amounts of children
Tired of reading non-sense. about my label.
@@ThreetwoOne-wu7ye what do you mean? What label? What nonsense?
@@RANDassociatesinc Hi, didn't mean ttack you esspecially seeing that you seem nice. I picked you almost randomly on here. What is the topic of this video?
#5- My mom threatened to call my fiance when I was out of the country on a trip with her, and tell him that I was cheating on him because I had gone to a local hotel bar that my uncle owned and was relaxing by myself in the hotel bar having a drink and getting a break from her. I was 30 years old, and she showed up in the bar making a scene and throwing false accusations out in public, it was crazy. I had to call my fiance and tell him how crazy she was acting, it was horrible. We're married 24 years, went no contact with her 7 years ago. The craziest part is it's only looking back that more and more I see how insane and controlling she was
Walk Away.
My grandma is a covert narc. Professional victim. Everyone outside the family only sees a sweet little church lady, but when i visit her house she's "boohoo im so depressed no one cares about me im so lonely! You never call or visit me" . Meanwhile she never calls me, only texts me on my birthday or if she needs something, when i do call she tells me how happy she is that i called and i need to do that more but then only complains the whole call, when i do visit she either spends most of the time asking about my brother or how she doesn't hear from him or crying about how my parents don't care about her and are going to leave her to rot in her lonesome depression. My dad calls her multiple times a week, visits her, and takes her out to lunch, but its never enough. My mom has always been kind to her, but she's convinced mom is working against her because mom protects my dad's peace when grandma hurts him. I think she views me as a pawn/opportunity and not much more. She often tries to manipulate me into talking to my parents about inviting her over more. My mother has made it clear that grandma is allowed to visit or call any time she wants, no one is stopping her, but she prefers to wait for the phone to ring instead of dialing it. Its hard on my dad because he loves his mom but she's hurt him so much.
Some older people turn negative and maybe they have brain changes that cause it or make it all worse. Seeing it in my mother. Has become so negative it is hard to want to visit or call her
@@karmasutra4774 my grandma has been like this my whole life. I'm almost 30. Its not an old person having depression from cognitive decline. I've seen depression from cognitive decline from taking care of the grandparents who actually loved us, this is not that. She is perfectly capable and self sufficient, she's perfectly mobile, drives, and works. My parents confirmed her having these behaviors even longer. She's a covert narcissist.
These people have traded their soul for Narcissism and are now dead inside..And what they hate about you is that you have a healthy soul and they are very jealous of that and they very much WANT IT! This is why they get angry when you fight them on their Narcissism because THEY WANT A SOUL! Every Time they get supply from you they take a piece of your soul and it feels soooooo good to them They want to take your soul and give you theirs..A soul exchange,. their dead soul for your healthy soul. Every time they get supply from you, there is an exchange, they feel good and you feel bad. This is why after a while you start feeling dead inside yourself.. This is why victims says they are evil. because they feel this..
That is a terrifying way to describe it, but it feels very accurate. It also make me realize how important it is to protect oneself from such exchanges because inevitably if one's soul is depleted to a certain point but they are still physically alive, would it not make sense that they end up trying to take another's soul, thus continueing the cycle... I'd like to not have a worst case scenario.
cluster Bs dont choose to have these personality disorders...
When you start to realize this, you feel like you’ve been living in a horror movie. And in a way, you have
I think the beautiful thing about people is that we can get back in touch with our soul, through God etc. I'm not sure it's a finite resource or that the only way out is to take from another. I've changed my mind about that and am much more optimistic.
@redredkroovy That's true but what are the rest of supposed to do? They are like a cancer in your life, there's no helping them, they won't help themselves because they think they're perfect. It's best to just stay away. Maybe someday they'll find a cure or at least they'll stop having kids to torture. Until then save yourself.
I can’t say they’re a narcissist, but I’ve had a friend like this. Everything she presented was compassion and empathy/kindness. But in private she is competitive, judgemental, deceitful and envious.
She seems like one
I mean, everyone has all of the traits you listed, to some degree. If she feigns compassion but is actually just calculating in the background then I think it’s fair to judge, but we all have moments being envious or competitive or judgmental. Deceitful, idk … that’s rough.
Wishing you luck, xx
The public face/mask and the private/unmasked.
One woman who I know now for sure is NPD would appear so caring with her son in a restaurant, feeding her 7yr old with a spoon and giving tender hugs etc
In private, she locked on herself to avoid caring him that way the father has to deal with the son’s needs.
One incident, the father went to drop off a car at the mechanic and she kept calling asking when he is coming back to feed his son while she was right next to him just killing time.
What also became clear is it was more about her being hungry and wanting “room service”. She would conveniently arrive just in time to pick up the hot breakfast, after the dishes were done, the meal prep was done, and all the cooking was done. All of a sudden she is available and if anyone wants anything - oh but she has something important she has to do this very second.
I don't know if my friend is a covert. Over the years I've noticed patterns one seems petty but I see photos of her with everyone else but when we have had times together where we could have a photo opportunity she won't take one. Also I helped her and a friend get their friendship back on track and feel like I'm always reaching out to them. I left it a few months to see if they would reach out to meet up with me and nothing so I'm really confused if they are my friends or not
@@AmbientAsc maybe you’re just a backup. I had a new friend and I thought wow we have so much in common, they texted nonstop, and we couldn’t wait to get together again and again. Turns out they were only out to benefit themselves. I gave in one time on a deal where they benefited and I didn’t. I thought that maybe I just have to be patient with them, but then they were up with another deal without acknowledging not coming through on the first. I didn’t go along with their next idea and they simply stopped all calls and texts. I reached out as a friend and they pretended to be so excited each time (the same way when I met them, extremely friendly and charismatic), but they no longer initiate the call or text, and stopped meeting up. I guess they are teaching me “a lesson” for not doing what they want me to do. Why should I? They broke their first agreement. They don’t keep their word and expect you to continue having no boundaries and take more chances on them, or else they will deny you their fake friendship. They sure can be fun to be around but it’s all a show. I don’t trust them. The problem too is they are vindictive. So if you don’t allow them to have control over you, they will punish you. If you run in the same circles they will ruin your opportunities behind your back while smiling at you through it all. That person even told on himself a few times. Glad I was paying attention. Now that I know that they don’t actually care about me, I will not allow a bond to be formed. I know they will betray me if they are benefiting. It’s cool to be able to be aware and watch them play their games without being hurt.
You are the first person who explained this in a way that made so much sense. My father was a classic textbook narcissist which is something I figured out a long time ago. I knew that my mother always had some narcissistic tendencies, but never thought that she fit into the narcissist profile. After listening to you talk about the covert narcissist, I now know that I was raised by two narcissists. Explains SO much, so thank you! You've got a new subscriber and follower.🙂
My mother-in-law is the queen of backhanded "compliments."
One of her favorites was to say to me, "You look tired," every time I visited her house with my husband. Oh, gee, thanks? Lol
She also had this thing where if someone complimented me to her, or said something nice about me to her, she would demand that I give her a compliment first, otherwise she wouldn't tell me what the compliment about me was. Lol! She had a name fir this little charade, but I forget what she called it now. Her husband, my father-in-law, overheard her doing this & called her out on it. Lol She did much worse over the 30+ years I've known her & alienated two out of 3 of her children & their spouses. A horrible human who has milked & manipulated all her life. Thankfully my husband & I moved to a different state early on just to get away from her & protect ourselves & family from her toxic tactics.
What a great video.
Describes my narcissistic mother to a T, to this day : she is 92 years old and more toxic than ever.
As her only daughter trapped in her web for over 60 years, I can testify to the incredible damage covert narcissists cause to people they target and to their primary preys, and how difficult it is for anyone to understand, believe and come to terms with this narcissistic personality disorder phenomenon which is nothing short of being one of the most dangerous things that can happen to you in life if you are exposed to it, be it with a parent, a partner, a coworker or a friend.
It takes for ever to understand that covert narcissists have only one goal in life : get you to feed their ego as they work at sneaking self-doubt in you. Period.
For that, they will do anything, anything at all, praise you, dote on you, blackmail you, insult you, lie to you and make you the cause of all their supposed suffering. They will attempt to destroy you if you don't comply : there is no other option for them.
Some will kill, if they feel they have been found out for who they really are. So, one rule : no matter what, if you push back, never let them know exactly how much you know.
I have been severely damaged by this and yet I survived. At 68 years old, I work every second at healing from this, while my narcissistic mother lives with me still in my own home (while she pretends it's hers -- yup, with narcissists, anything goes and they care nothing about proofs and official papers).
She is on the rampage to sabotage me since I have set limits and no longer cater to her demands in the hope of making her happy as I have come to terms with her inescapable mental illness, toxicity and fakeness and the fact that I cannot abandon her, yet.
She has been targeting my entire entourage to destroy me in their eyes while looking like an innocent victim who doesn't know what to do. I have explained things to those who matter in great openness and detail and given up on all the rest : not so hard, as I have isolated myself now for decades. You have to be ready to have some people torn in two, disbelieving, because narcissists excel at many things and looking fragile, distraught and in dire need of help is their specialty.
No matter how many times you are exposed to their fits of rage and astounding evil ways, like destroying your reputation, your property or your relationships, they can come back to make you forget or feel like you have hallucinated or overreacted or whatever.
Don't beat yourself up : if this is happening or has happened to you, chances are that you are a highly open, empathetic, eager to love and save the world person with a fragile ego because you don't live to win and kill but to love and feel. That makes you the perfect narcissistic supply.
A lot of time and work including knowing yourself is required to be able to apprehend the truth about the fact that some of those people you love actually detest who you are, but pretend the opposite in order to get what you've got.
Narcissists will NEVER hesitate at hurting anyone, most of all their children whom they feel are their property. If they spare you, it's because that is the only way to spare themselves. My mother still hesitates to go too far with my closest cousin who is like a sister to me because she knows it could backfire. So she, for now, works at instilling doubt in her mind. I am aware and have unveiled everything I could with my cousin, so that she may access both sides of the story : she has never seen my mother be herself but has seen me besides myself with depression and anger. Imagine how complicated it is for someone to make sense of all that.
Behind the curtains lurks the only truth that matters : narcissists are highly motivated fakes and great actors. They don't love you, never have and never will. Don't let anyone convince you that they do love you "in their own way" : that is rationalization, not reality.
If you don't outsmart them, they'll get you every time because they possess no scruples or sense of guilt, like sociopaths. They secretly live by their own secret rules while pretending to be selfless, highly moral and caring, giving persons. They are believed by all. You see, their victims are not as perfectly perfect in appearance as they are, so they can easily pass for the troubled ones or the abusive ones.
Long term victims will often resort to narcissistic behavior themselves to counteract the abuse they experience from the narcissist : children of narc mothers, although unaware, have learned everything there is to know about narcissistic methods and WILL use them, at times, against their aggressor. The difference is that they feel great remorse, guilt and pain when they do and spend an inordinate amount of time to try and devise other methods. The problem is, none are as good. Hence, it's a horrific catch-22 situation : you are doomed if you do and doomed if you don't. Suicide is sometimes the only way out. That's what my dad did.
My partner of 6 years has witnessed the truth and is now aware, in shock and still bewildered as my manipulative mother puts on a great performance for him but he is keen on observing the only thing that will save our couple : avoiding contact and confrontation with my mother at any cost. She will otherwise either lash out or attempt to damage me in his eyes.
He leaves the house early in the morning and comes to my place late at night; we have several hours to ourselves then and we share and talk a lot (I am blessed that way; we both are diagnosed Gifted Adults with a very atypical mindset and this has probably saved me from being annihilated or totally rendered insane by my mother who drove my dad to suicide but has yet to be able to kill my spirit or values.
She rants at me daily, scrutinizing every word or move on my part.
I don't know if I am strong or stubborn or crazy but now that I know that my mother is unable to feel or love or be happy and has faked it all her life, I suddenly can protect myself instead of spending my time protecting her from herself. She had me so convinced I was not worth protecting, you see...
I am sure there are many like me out there, not knowing yet what they are dealing with, and hope to God that videos like these that are so perfect can help them see, and react !
Best Regards, from France
Ben alors quelle facon de parler de sa mère de 93 ans. Elle a pas l'air facile, c'est clair mais c'est votre maman. Si elle existe.
It almost sounds like she is an overt narcissist. I do understand as I'm about your age and have had to deal with 2 narcissist parents - father was overt & mother is covert. He has passed away and she was previously hidden but her true self has come out since his passing. I feel for you having to live with your mother! My sister deals more with mine now as she lives close to her. We do not speak since I was the scapegoat and none of my family thinks much of me. Fortunately I was sent this wonderful partner by God in heaven and he saved me from them for the most part, although sometimes I don't think he understands them. She has tried to sabotage our relationship to a degree when I made the stupid mistake of confiding in her prior to my realization that she was nearly as bad as my father. If I can survive this I know you can too, and I wish you strength, love and peace.
@@ThreetwoOne-wu7yeHmmmmm sounds like you personally know this woman. Shame on you!! This woman
Has been tortured by her mother all her life. How dare you try to discredit her!
I was in the marine corps and when I got back home I got destroyed emotionally by this. Several years of depression almost killed me as well as the death of my mother.Everyone in my family is like this and now I’m homeless, but I’ve never felt better. I’m finally free. But now I have narc traits that I’m trying to work through with the help of my siblings. I got a lot of work to do. If my siblings didn’t know me I swear they would hate me.
Hugs
How does tha t job make you a narc? As my ex was a marine and he was a narc
You can come to my house for Christmas! Many of us find each other and develop new families who love and support us and each other. It's tough overcoming the realities we were faced with. But you have sibs. Very fortunate if you can get along with them. I have one out of five who gets me.
Being homeless would be better than living with a narc
Hope you're still alive and good.
You deserve accolades and awards... The BEST outline and explanation I'VE EVER EVER HEARD in all my 59 years..👍🏻💯💥 NAILED IT....
Thank you so much for your words!
The last 4 years I had a covert narcissist in my life until a couple of months ago (because we moved away).
The confusion she caused me to feel was the worst part of it. She pretended to be a friend but really tried everything possible to ruin my ability to trust in my own judgement.
EVERYTHING you mentioned fits her perfectly! Even the part about the pet dog.
You really helped me to get rid of the heavy weight on my shoulders I used to have because of the constant accuring selfdoubt and selfblaming.
People did not believe me and kept telling me I am over thinking it etc.
And the mother of the narc was treating me like shit as soon as I no longer let myself be terrorised by her twisted daughter. She doesn't admit, nor accept that "her golden child" is full of vicious, evil s*** eventhough the narc is also destroying her own family.
To everybody suffering from the scum called narcissists:
Please for your own health & safety GO NO CONTACT as soon as possible! 🙏🏼
Do NOT worry about their "feelings" because they have non!
They only have a never ending thurst for others to pump up their ego.
And sadly enough... they will find their next victim. There is no healing for them!
Take good care of yourself !
And most importantly: you are NOT insane - they are!!!
For me, the covert narcissist comes across as a people pleaser. They like to be in the spotlight to get the validation that they crave for, as other narcissists but at the same time, they pretend to be humble, simple, generous, over giving. The covert narcissist will take time to build a relationship/friendship with you. During this period, they will show their admiration and their devotion by helping you with everything that is you need. They will try to convince you that you are soulmates and that they understand you deeply. At the same time, you will see them being overly altruistic, maybe helping society by engaging in charities, activism. They feed the poor, take care of the homeless. All this makes you think how lucky you are for having met such a beautiful soul. You want to be by their side for ever. However, soon you notice how much they enjoy being invited in galas to talk about their achievements. But they don’t admit that. They still play the humble guy who doesn’t want all this. Who is beyond money, beyond fame and recognition, who wants to share the floor with other people. But their acts don’t match their words. You come to realise that this selfless soul is actually doing whatever it takes to be in the centre of attention. When you do something together be it at work or at home, they want to control everything about it. They just exerce their control in a more polite and implicit way, making you believe that your voice was heard whereas in reality you did what they wanted you to do. Covert narcissists have a smooth way of leading you on. They don’t shout, they don’t give orders. They are master actors. They convince you that you are together in this. What makes them a narcissist is that when the time comes for them to use you in order to draw certain benefits, they will do it without a second thought and you are not going to believe in your eyes. And when you stand up for yourself and raise your voice against them calling them for their phony identity, then you will see their rage for the first time and the mask will fall. Covert narcissists manipulate less with rage/exhibiting superiority and more with people pleasing behaviour/playing the eternal victim. They are not aggressive as overt narcissists. They are more cunning. What they both have in common is self-centered ness and lack of empathy. In the case of coverts, it will take you longer to find out.They knew what they wanted to get out of you from the beginning. They created a whole theatre play to fool you about who they are and their true motives. You will trust them with all your heart but when the time comes for them to prove their loyalty by choosing your bond over their personal gain, they will choose the latter with no remorse, without even taking any responsibility. Unlike the overt narcissist, they will have an eloquent excuse for doing so, rationalizing why they had to f@ck you over. They will pretend to be sorry about it because this is something that matches the image of modesty that they want to project but in reality they are not sorry at all. You will see them partying with your own money when they said they didn’t have enough to pay you back. You will see them being unfair and untrustworthy to other people as well. When the mask of the victim will fall, you will see the cruel smile of a perpetrator who managed to get what they want without deserving it. If you decide to unmask them run for your life. Additionally, The unwavering support and dedication demonstrated by Metaspyhub@gmail. com have been pivotal in my journey to uncover the painful truth surrounding my partner's infidelity. From the moment I first reached out to them, their professionalism and unwavering commitment to assisting me in finding the answers I desperately sought were readily apparent and highly commendable. Through their swift action and meticulous investigation, They presented me with compelling evidence that left no room for doubt. Armed with this newfound knowledge, I confronted my cheating partner with newfound courage, reclaiming my self-worth and paving the way for a future filled with renewed hope. Throughout this emotionally challenging process, Metaspyhub's expertise and unwavering support served as a constant source of strength, offering invaluable guidance and empathetic understanding when I needed it the most. I am profoundly grateful for their unwavering assistance, as it has empowered me to move forward with unwavering determination and newfound resilience.
And you remind me also of something : they people please too much and it's lacking substance. Like they try to please you but they don't have personality so it's a bit off at first. You feel uneasy.
A covert narcissist only be a people pleaser to gain something they want,otherwise they're hyper-jealous of other people and envious in a bitter way like hell.
@@jacobnelson2480 I've seen this 'advert' on other narcissist vids.
It’s a spam bot
Gross that you'd turn such a serious topic into an ad.
What interests me, is how you acknowledge running away is not the only option. Understanding what happens and learning to interpret it , putting boundaries in a way they will understand is a very interesting approach I did not find until now. The concept of a covert N matches better with the unhappy, hurt person I know, the one that you love and don’t want to hurt, but makes you very unhappy.
In a way I could say your particular vision is liberating of the unnecessary pain and loneliness, and helps to maintain a kind of healthy relationship . Thank you so much for this.
You are so welcome. I’m so pleased you appreciate that once we have good boundaries and good self esteem we don’t get impacted as much so we don’t have to cut off completely, which can impact the whole family system. Obviously, this is a very personal choice and I would never want any of this in “should” language - whether it is ‘you should’ or ‘you shouldn’t’ . I do wish there was more discussion of various options!
You nailed it. Just ended one year relationship. She had all of these traits. Especially the part about dogs. She gave my dog more love than me. I treated her good. Twisted individual indeed. Slowly cut off her supply and she got very irritated and contemporaneous towards me. Watching her flirt with my friends and neighbors. Insidious.
Called her out on her poor behaviors. She had tantrum and left. Not the first rage fit I had witnessed. Now I’m healing and thankful we didn’t live together or share assets.
And that i¨would be a narcisisist. for you somehow.? Healing from what?
My sister is 3 yrs older than I am. For my whole life she was my goddess, my hero, my compass. My love for her was kill-for/die-for. Seriously. I was SIXTY before I recognized her narcissism. I made the mistake of calling out the way she was treating our dad and apparently unleashed the (formerly) covert narcissist. And for the last 14 years since then, I have lived in her crosshairs.
Similar to my experience with two older sisters.... 4 and 8 years older, who treated me worse than my mother did, so I ignored them, growing up. It took me over 60 years to realize what they are..... me, Cinderella.
Ouch. I can spot a lot of them now, but not sure about my older sister yet. She is loved by all and loves buying things for people. She does have controlling tendencies and hates any remarks about what she does.
One time I pointed out that she best not text so much while driving and the next few days of family reunion became toxic. I found everyone ganging up on me and she was the instigator. Funny thing is I was the one apologizing in the end! I could not believe myself later. I think now it was peer pressure and a need to be welcomed back into a group. I avoid all reunions now.
She was all nice before saying our goodbyes and told me I should come visit, and not to be angry with her. So why should I be angry if according to her I was in the wrong? Now I have serious doubts about her.
@@leonab545 After 18 yrs of marriage to one, plus a lifetime w/ my sister, 4 yrs in a work relationship, I've gotten pretty good at sniffing them out. My #1 lesson is to proceed slowly. Prepare for the worst, hope for the best. I just assume everyone is a narc now. It doesn't make me a very fun person, but it prevents some grief. And I'm happily surprised when I'm wrong. Just remember: Covert narcs can take a lifetime to reveal themselves. Best of luck.
@@susanlewis1875 I'm so sorry you experienced that with your sister! (And husband and work relationship) It's chilling how they can switch so suddenly and reveal a completely different person. It's extra heartbreaking when it's someone you've loved so completely. : - ( I'm glad your narc detector is active now. Good wishes to you! : - )
@@bellaluce7088 Thank you, my friend. Better safe than sorry. Peace to you.
Holy Cow ! This was like listening to a list of my wife’s behaviours and attitudes. Eyes now wide open. The final piece in the jigsaw being the information about their treating the dogs better than their partners. My wife values the dog way above and beyond me. Thank you , thanks you , thank you !
Wow I had never put the last bit together about covert narcissists loving dogs so much. My ex wife was a covert narcissist and always needed to have 2-3 dogs who she shows 10 times the love and attention to than she did our daughter. That actually put quite a few puzzle pieces together for me. Thank you! Great video!
Spot on! I worked with a narcissistic boss for four challenging years. Nightmare time. She had a personalised car number plate, expected birthday presents from all the staff (or else)!, indulged in expensive designer labels she couldn't really afford, and demanded flowers every week from her husband. She did little work, preferring to palm it off on others. She took the credit for other colleagues' ideas, gossiped and lied endlessly. She presented as extremely charming, only gradually revealing her true self. After many years, and following many complaints to HR about her, she was transferred to another department. Interestingly, even her superiors were afraid to deal with her behaviour and she eventually retired - no doubt believing she'd been an excellent employee!
That's not NPD. Stop the stigma.
@@ThreetwoOne-wu7ye Three two NONE is one of them.
They come to lie and destry but they die off eventually. YAHOO
Very helpful. I don’t like the way they use a person and then tell people how bad they are. They’re so sugar-sweet that people believe the bad things they say about you. No sense to defend one’s self it just makes the
person look worse.
It’s worthwhile to listen and learn to these videos in order to avoid these sneaky people. ❤❤❤
Thank you for this video! This was a good description and spot on! So much bad and wrong information out there, but this was good. Very good to point out they are more common than we think (like 10 % or so) and that the covert is more common among women. I have the misfortune to 'co-parent' with a covert narcissist. Basically I have to protect my daughter from her covert narcissist mother. My experience is that there are a lot of psychopathic traits in the covert narcissist (but they need the supply unlike pure psychopaths). Also a good deal of sadism and paranoia. Very evil!! And very manipulative. I am amazed at how she can manipulate authorities, people, etc. and make them believe she is the victim, while she is totally devoid of empathy or a conscience. Guys, be very careful with women and check for any red flags for at least 18 months. Coverts are very good at deception. It's better to be alone than end up with a narc. And they are around 10 % of the female population, maybe more. Be careful with women organisations / women help organisations as well, there tends to be clusters of narcissists. I think the covert narcissist is among the purest form of evil you can encounter.
My son married one. It is truly DEVASTATING!!!!! I pray every day for him and my new grandson!!! Please help, Lord🙏🏻🙏🏻🙏🏻🙏🏻🙏🏻
you described my female ex friend psychopat sadist narc paranoiad