The Impact of Emotional Neglect
Вставка
- Опубліковано 28 тра 2023
- Emotional neglect in a relationship can have serious consequences for people. It can affect someone's sense of self worth, their self esteem. They can find it difficult to trust others, ask for support. It can even affect someone's mental and physical health.
This video is the second part of a series looking at the differences between abuse and neglect in narcissistic relationships, focusing on the long term impact neglect can have on someone's sense of self, their psychological, emotional and physical well being.
Ten Signs of Narcissistic Neglect in a Relationship
• Ten Signs of Narcissis...
Please feel free to suggest any topics you might like me to cover in future videos.
If you found this video interesting please consider supporting me on Patreon
/ dfmagee
#emotionalneglect #neglect #neglected
Please feel free to suggest any topics you might like me to cover in future videos
How about sibling rivalry due to having been brought up by a narcissistic parent?
Perhaps a topic on generational dysfunction of the golden child with their siblings as the polar opposite resulting in how the golden child and siblings pass on these callous behaviours as family norms.
Darren,
I've suggested topics upon topics with many of my comments.
I've watched others repetitively suggest topics.
You don't seem to address the topics we suggest.
So WHY ask your subscribers for topic suggestions when you never utilize what we're asking for Sir?
I'm asking a legitimate question because you're exhibiting a pattern
I appreciate your question. Some of the topics may have been requested a while ago I try to cover them even if it takes a while. If I get requests on the same topics I’ll try to cover those, and sometimes I’ll try to cover different questions in one video. If you’ve asked for something and I haven’t covered it yet in another video I will try to get to it. I’m sorry I can’t cover everything as quickly as I’d hope to
Actually just looked at some of your requests, one was the differences in recovery between being younger and older. I’ve a been looking into that over the past while and will bump it up the cue and put it out next. Thanks for your patience and sorry I can’t answer all requests immediately
You totally described the psychological and emotional impact on children of a narcissistic parent (or two). It takes decades sometimes for the child to figure out that they weren't the problem.
And how long does it take for everyone else to realise you were the victim and not the problem? I would like to know that bc apparently 3 decades weren't enough.
@@name5876 Narcissistic parents skillfully manipulate other relatives. Some never figure it out. Some placate the parents because they're family, even though they know the truth.
There was a brief period when psychologists utilized the term "dysfunctional" but that seems to have fallen by the wayside. To be mentally healthy oneself,, the victim has to go it alone. Unhealthy narcissistic people don't seek help, and usually aren't the ones that wind up with the label, nor do the family enablers who didn't call out the perpetrator(s). Not fair but it is what it is.
@@truthseeker243 if it was only relatives but it's everyone, the real problem with it is that a smear campaign attracts socio- and psychopaths just to take it to extreme levels. people are out of their minds
That was certainly my experience! And I was the lucky one out of me and my siblings. My brother suffered from all of the things he talks about here - depression, physical illness, CPTSD - to a worse degree than I have. He didn't make it, though. He committed suicide. I thank the universe every day now that somehow I was able to somehow see past my narcissistic parents to a better future for myself, and care for and nurture myself (not that it wasn't hard as hell at times).
I've been carrying a lot of anger inside of me since I was a little kid, and I've struggled with anxiety and depression for almost as long. All I ever wanted was to be understood, and here you are explaining my whole life. This was so validating. Thank you!
When you find yourself in a destructive relationship with a narcissist it is helpful to make a list of all the offenses and horrible things they've done to you... it will help you leave them or exit them from your life... I don't believe in cutting people out of your live trivially... but some narcissists will destroy you if you don't...
I spent 11 years in a relationship that included such neglect. In the end, she just cut me off completely, despite having raised children with her from toddlers.....
This is very spot on to my experience from 40 years with Ex. For me, it got to the point where I would get angry and push for some type of response, any response, even if it was rage from him. It was better than always being ignored. My adult children also treat me this way. I have isolated, I have huge trust issues. Please be aware that I have now recognized that because I have been treated so badly anyone saying something nice to me makes me vulnerable because it feels so great but I have learned the hard way that does NOT mean they gave my best interest in mind. It means that we are so starved for affection that any little act of kindness makes us emotional and more likely to give the benefit of the doubt. I believe that for the rest of my life I will go through life feeling so much more guarded. Why wouldn’t I, when the people who were closest to me showed me I was not worth anything. I believe we have to keep reminding ourselves how worthy we are and of course trying to find those who appreciate us as we are.
Two years after I left I rescued a wonderful dog. I told a few people how good he was for me; that even though he could not talk to me he would actually LOOK at me when I spoke to him which was much more than I had gotten. Thank you for this video. It is another that I will comeback to when I need reminding!
You've hit the nail on head. ❤
A dog loves you for who you are. My dog rescued me 10 years ago, I had no idea I could be loved so much.
They are wonderful companions, I’ve always found them to be more reliable than most people.
I’m glad you found your dog.
I agree with you!!! I lost that dog and it was so hard. I have another I rescued now. They are such a blessing!! There is a saying that goes: “the more people I get to know the more I love my dog”. That is pretty accurate for me. Take care❤️
Yes, unfortunately so. It is a horrible way to live. Take care❤️
When people try to compliment me..when I first left my marriage made in hell..I thought people were just plain weird and abnormal to me cos I was sooo used to the abuse for soooo long..while growing up and in my marriage from hell! Yet it was me in actuality who was abnormal... abuse and neglect warps and darkens the mind.. especially when the abuse and neglect us long term..like for years on end!!!.. the warped dark thinking becomes part of your psychy in retrospect. I had years of counselling with a few good counselors.. one even said... I should never be normal after the length and intensity of multiple types of abuse I endured in my marriage made in hell... btw.. im still scarred and broken... sigh..
Btw... I had a cat...does that count?! Kitty taught me to be independent and he'd comfort me with his purring and paw kneading 🐈
So true. Overt abuse is easy to spot but lack of love? Very hard.
That’s true. But are others really obligated to love us? IDK. I’ve finally accepted that while my wife is my world, to her I’m her handyman and actual attention from her is viewed by her as a chore. She’s basically said as much. She’s up for spending time with me as long as it’s me giving her attention, but anything else she doesn’t have time for. But is that really her fault, or mine for being delusional all these years and thinking there was more to the relationship than there was? It’s hard for me to blame her, she’s just been being herself and I’ve been the love blind simp. I don’t know.
@@user-xf9lm1cb7q yes- I think in a “healthy” husband/wife marriage, they ARE obligated to love each other. It’s in the vow. Having said all that, a narc will never love anyone/anything but themselves. The narc abuse seems to have made you bitter & cynical, which it does. Examine your circumstance. You’re being used. It sucks. Do you really want to go on the rest of your life that way? The only way is to get away.
@@user-xf9lm1cb7q You cannot control others. And the only way to manage with a narc is through radical acceptance, so bravo on your insight and maturity. But what a waste. You deserve to be loved back. We all do.
Well, now, after 34 roller coaster years we saw an Earth Mother Goddess Therapist with 50+ years of experience and my conversation with her went like this: "Does he love you?" Yes, of course he loves me. [He'd emailed me 'you are the love of my life not eight days ago. It was there, on the line, in black and white, however he'd been behaving]. "Do you FEEL loved?" [Now I had never stopped to ask myself this. I needed a few minutes. I did a deep, wide search, through the confused layers] No. No, I don't, actually. I don't feel loved. "Because we KNOW it when someone loves us. We can FEEL it." This simple exercise changed my life. When he dumped me several weeks later, I did not reach out to reconcile as I had in the past. I let him discard me and I stuck with it. Though gutted at the time, best thing that ever happened to me.
@@taom9004 An Earth mother goddess therapist. There’s something I’ve never heard of. That actually brings up another core conflict point between her and I. She’s an old school bible thumper and I’m a spiritual person. I’ve had so many extraordinary experiences in my life I simply can’t buy into the dogma. And it’s doubly BS because she uses it to pretend she’s the innocent and I’m the bad person.
Anyway, thank you so much for taking the time and giving me such intelligent and thoughtful responses. This is a difficult and
Confusing time for me and you’ve given me honest food for thought. I’m going to meditate tonight and clear my head and ask myself some tough questions.
So true, Mr. Magee. It makes you feel that nobody else cares to listen either, so you repress yourself and end up feeling like a zombie. But when you find others who DO pay attention, it's a stark difference. Thx, lovely advice ❤
Zombie. That word is dead on.
Yes. Correct.
You have described my situation for the last 28 years. It’s only recently that I have been able to give a name to my husband’s neglect and extreme procrastination when it comes to me. But then comes my birthday and he gives me an expensive gift in front of my kids confusing me all along. The youngest is about to leave for college and I feel like I should ditch my husband now.
😢 My whole life from parents to decades long spouse who was brought up the same way.😮
Me too no one never saw me until my daughter was born she see me and listen to me. I realized a couple weeks ago that one in my life ever asked me how was my day what did I do today ? One nit my mother or my husband ever even take a picture of me I never mattered !
@@aliceroberts1980 going through the same thing...but we do matter.Even though we don't believe it
Honestly it helps me so much just to put a name on it, and have it explained. My situation is not as severe as it used to be but the damage is done. To me and the relationship, anyway. I am proud of my strength and my courage to have got this far but I’m not sure what I should do now. Except fully allow my feelings and my self-care.
Another scenario leading to depression is when an unintentionally abusive parent who was abused themselves lashes out at the child who was abused by multiple people, telling that child that they’re anger at the parent is not valid because the child is angry at someone else and is putting it on them (the parent) when the child has a valid reason for being angry.
Finding a good counselor who validated your feelings BEFORE telling you how to work through them has been a step in healing that I didn’t realize was necessary. Then, going back to each scenario and validating the child/young adult that I was has been amazing as well.
Wow this describes me so well! Of the several UA-cam creators I watch, I've never seen anyone address this! I went from an abusive, very chaotic home, you know, the kind where your parent tells you to stop crying or they'll give you something to cry about, to a 34 years & counting marriage where I have a whole part of me that my husband doesn't know or care to know. I don't expect him to help me, asking for help always turns out to be a mistake. There's no love, support, empathy or kindness, mostly just anger & contempt. Sometimes there's fake kindness with an agenda, usually so my guard will go down & there'll be something discovered that can be used against me later. I've used maladaptive coping mechanisms, now I'm in therapy. I have constant anxiety & though I finally understand the boundary concept, the love yourself thing continues to allude me. It's very validating just to hear someone describe what you're going through. Thank you for that!
34 years for me and a not as extreme, perhaps? but similar childhood. My ex moved to another city for a big, glossy job, about three and a half hours and a ferry ride away and discarded me, six years ago, now. I was gutted but my what a blessing it's turned out to be. I know it would have been much, much uglier if I had been the one to end things [but I was thoroughly trauma bonded by then and as I told the therapist, "It wasn't ALL bad." [whereas yours sounds like it is] I just would urge you to get free, by any means possible. Squirrel away money. Go to a woman's shelter if you need to. Start planning. Play it smart. Dr Ramani has good youtube videos on this. And if you are lucky enough to be able to cut off his source of supply so he tires of you- or do what I did: sobbed and pleaded and begged to have him show up [tons of supply] so I think I triggered a discard, and then when he dumped me, surprise surprise, I let it play out, unlike in the past where I would reach out for reconciliation- IF you can manage it. Boy did it infuriate him when I let him divorce me. He walked around for two years in a pout, acting like HE was the injured party. This is when I started to figure out the chaos that had been my life. I've been working it through ever since.
Very similar situation 40+ yrs and counting. Am counseling and trying to understand it all and make changes but it’s very hard when the horrible treatment feels normal and I have no self confidence or esteem. Prayers we all will get through this and make a better life ❤
I'm 23 years in and struggling. Trauma bonded for sure. If I leave I'll barely see my kids. Making friends has been so hard. I feel so stuck!
Your right. After years of neglect if asked How was your day I just say Fine then grudgingly ask about him. In the morning if asked how did you sleep I say Fine even if I'd spent the night sick, once taken our son to the ER. Fine then let him talk on about what matters, Him. The built up anger and resentment bubbles up in my throat just from the sight of him
I suffered neglect. My father a malignant narcissist, my mother his enabler, my sister a malignant narcissist. I had to take care of everything. I was conditoned neither to ask for anything nor to express any needs. Since a little child, I somehow knew my reason for existing was to cater to my parents needs. I took care of them to their dying breaths. I suffered and watched the abuse of my father towards my mother. When they died my narcisstic sister got the majority of the inheritence. All the while I worked an abusive, toxic workplace for 17 years. With my savings from the toxic workplace I paid for my parents funerals, my malignant sister never offered to. (My father died on the morning of my mother's funeral so I had no help from anyone in covering the expenses). Today at 44 I'm jobless, broke, and extremely fatigued and am not even half way to some kind of retirement. I am disgusted with the world and myself and wish everyday I was never born.
I am unable to cry to make myself feel better. No healing tears to ease my suffering. My body is robbed of the ability to cry. That's how intense the neglect was.
My heart breaks for you. Nobody deserves what you went through. I hope you can find peace and healing on your difficult journey.
I send a huge hug and much love to you as a fellow sufferer, but not in the same way, exactly. The goodness that I feel is that as horrible as the others were, I did not lower myself to their level..I am still a loving person, though sad and somewhat soured and dis,aged. I a, not of the devil.I could never crap on people like they did..Goodness is still in my heart. They are the bad guys, not me. They acted out of pain and hate. that, malignancy wasn't eating me alive. Though broke, I have much to be thankful for. I have my honor and my integrity...and that is worth having...They never had nor will have anything so precious. You, dear soul, are very, very rich.....
@@suzannemckitterick2781 thank you. 3 months have passed, 10 after my parent's death, and I am slowly coming out of my severe depression. I found a new job and recovered slightly financially. You are right, I have never lost my integrity and it must have been only God's grace and will that has helped me through the last few months. Hang in there. Love to all the good souls of this earth.
I am in a very similar situation. It’s aweful😢 I am 47 and started realizing that something is drastically wrong with my life and my family about a year ago. It’s been so extremely painful, I feel like I am just scratching the surface of the extent of abuse and neglect I’ve been suffering. I’ve been watching Lisa Romano a lot, she is very helpful too. Hopefully, this will be the beginning of a new life with a full understanding of what we’ve been through 🙏💕
Decompression from years of narcissist abuse and neglect takes time, the tears also take time, and the anguish when decompressing also seems to come in waves; you may seem to be somewhat okay, and then go through a phase where it feels like everything is falling apart. Don't give up trying to heal, it will get better with time, even if it doesn't feel like it right now. Look around you, take time to enjoy the little things around you that are good; those who spent time destroying your future, can now no longer use up all your time, and you can start doing some of the things you like to do (or things you liked to do before they were taken away by abusive people).
Speaking from personal experience, deaths in families is not always a bad thing, and sometimes despite the pain caused at the time, can be a blessing in disguise.
In dying, the abusive person can no longer abuse anyone again even though they did in the past, they can no longer say anything unkind or hateful again, they can no longer take credit for the good that you do, or blame you for anything you didn't do ever again.
Over time, getting rid of things they gave you that reminds you of them, or rather reminds you of the hateful things they did and said to you or others, also helps with healing. Continually seeing things that remind you of the pain, is like having a injury with a scab on it, and picking it off each time you notice, which continues to make the wound hurt, and prevents it from properly healing. This is not to say you should throw everything away, but having a box (with a lid) and every time you see something that reminds you of evil, ask yourself "Why do I have that? Is it something I even like? Do I actually have a use for it? Is it something I really want to keep?" If it is something that was given to you by someone who abused you, ask yourself, "Why did they give it to me? Do I even like it? Is it useful? Is the only reason I kept it because I was afraid they would ask me what I done with it? Do I think more of the item (whatever it is) than I do of them? Is the only reason I have it, because they gave it to me?" If it adds no intrinsic value to your life, it should at some point find a new home, or find a trash can.
Letting go of things that remind you of the past does help with healing; we as people often idolize things because we received them from certain people, but that can become extremely unhealthy, especially if it is or was an abusive relationship.
You should have things that don't remind you of evil when you look at them. Please take your time, get rid of things that bring no peace or blessing to your life, and slowly start to enjoy good things, and don't feel obligated to replace anything immediately, getting rid of things is also a grieving process, and you should move at a pace that you are comfortable with.
God is able to help you through the process, and bring much happiness and blessings into your life in the days and years ahead.
This is my life married to my husband.
I don’t know how to leave bc we have two young kids and i can’t do that to them to be stuck with him without me -that may sound haughty, but what i mean is i buffer it when he gaslights them, or when he zombies out on his phone I’m there for the kids, when he belittles them i will call him on it and correct it in front of the kids. He may decide to divorce me… he’s discarded me and moved out so he may take the next step. But he still hasn’t said anything about a formal separation or divorce, altho hints at threatening it.
I’d love to hear some success stories where someone has left but it’s meant they only have their kids 1/2 the time. That to me isn’t worth leaving. But i have to accept the neglect rather than be hurt by it.
I really never knew this until I was 62. I never knew I was so broken. I did not carry that on to my own children, and for that I am grateful. We are very close. My partners never really cared. To be 67 and to realize I have been so hidden and not vulnerable enough to be truly close to a partner is a realization that is so profound I’m unable to express its impact. I think grief would be my best explanation.
This was exactly my 15 year marriage, which brought me to the edge of suicide. I never knew about boundaries or narcs back in 1998 so I ran. It took me over 10 years to get better. Now the wreckage is being played out in our daughter's life. He turned her into a copy of himself. This week, she cut me out of her life.😢
This was very helpful for me. I’ve suffered from emotional neglect for years but didn’t realize what an impact it had on me. I was married for 43 years to a man that I now believe may have been a Covert narcissist and he was also very addicted to prescription pain medication. I have now been divorced for a little over a year. He used the silent treatment quite often, lying, sneaking, making up stories and isolating. I went everywhere myself or did things with my children, grandchildren and friends. I felt lonely and often scared and worried and there was very little intimacy. Looking back after being away from it for awhile, I have no idea how I coped for as long as I did. I’m so thankful for my daughters who could see what a bad situation I was in and after an incident that I now recognize as narcissistic rage, I left. There was also financial abuse, lots of lying and no accountability. I’m glad it’s over, hope this helps someone that may be in a similar situation. Please get the help you need. I feel much better and happier now and look forward to a happier future.❤️
As time goes on this turns worse . I can probably, unfortunately, say I have and am experiencing this 100 percent.
Just reading about neglect is a sad look at our human condition. But there is the choice of deciding how to love those who cause us pain. There are no two injuries alike, as there are no two people alike. I found it was possible to love my narcissistic sibling because he was truly the wounded one. But it cost me something. And this channel has been very helpful in sorting out the price that was paid! God bless.
Could you say more about that? I’m in a situation where I’m trying to accept my narc husband even tho he’s an ahole. We have two young kids and the thought of not being able to be their full time mother breaks my heart.
Something that helped me to continue with my narcissistic sibling, who ended up on hospice in my home, was the knowledge that the Lord’s strength is made perfect in my weakness; His grace is sufficient. So many times I simply ran out of “myself. “ No more energy. No love. In a kind of shock, and being automatic.
But God never turns away a willing heart. He helped me to continue until there was a change, or even another selfish crisis.
You’ve said you have young children. Have you tried to set out some personal time to re-coop from all the demands each day? It could be that the narcissist in your life would seem less demanding as you make that kind of time for yourself and your mate. Kids can take so much attention, and you sound very devoted!
My situation was a bit different, but I had to avoid some subjects, some conversations,and decide which ones were safe--that we could even laugh about! But one has to choose boundaries. I am praying for you and your family. It isn’t easy to take the more magnanimous position, when someone you trust is acting up.
@@deborahschmitt3335
No, I don’t take enough time for myself. At all.
@darrenFmagee i would request a video on victims having cognitive dissonance about their narcissistic abusers.
Nails it. I don’t live with a partner at this point but my family and friends seem very indifferent. My attempts to reach out ask for attention, help or connection (which IS a challenge for me) has met with resistance, ignoring and/or irritation. Granted my experience in my family has never been emotionally safe or accepting - with the exception of one way interactions. I listened and offered what emotional and practical support I could. My family members have all sought out unrelated people to “adopt” as their “new family” and some are involved in cult like groups/religion along with obsessive behavior around fitness, food. Both of my parents had narcissistic emotionally immature neglectful behaviors. Sprinkled liberally with abuse. It was a hot mess at the end of their lives, given difficult exploitative people they’d involved themselves with. This behavior erected barriers, distance and distraction from closer relationships with their family. I’m not sure why I’m considered such a threat. Analytical, inquisitive, sensitive and persistent. On an intellectual quest to learn. I was social enjoyed people in smaller groups-1:1. Family rivalry was always intense. Who is “better” more dominant, controls attention, grabs resources. One sister still brags and interrupts incessantly-no one listens. I stand by on the fringe with my hand up 🙋♀️. We seem to play a game of “musical chairs.” Someone without a chair at the table seems to be everybody’s comfort zone. It’s a bad feeling. Sisters are pretty mean, cold or dismissive when I’m around. One sister occasionally texts me an “update” listing all her family get togethers and plans. They all make a point of focusing on other people and their plans with them, plans which do not include me. Claim busy-any time is too much-i am perceived as a burden I believe. Feels like a movie on repeat with the plot watching family pursue OTHER unrelated people, while refusing to be involved in my life. My mother never called me when she was still alive - whenever I called or saw her, she’d make a point of talking about my sisters or family members-usually her Golden Child, but anyone else would do. Whenever I’d attempt to give her a hug she’d turn to the side. Father was a recovering alcoholic and talked incessantly about his new clients-helped young adults volunteering w/literacy org. I should’ve realized much sooner my sisters would carry on the legacy of ignoring my existence ridiculing and avoiding my effort to establish a connection with them and their families. They have their exclusive “tribes,” religious, political and partner’s family which I’m definitely NOT a valued member. I tried to accept and accommodate our differences but that hasn’t been accepted as “enough.” Holidays usually am alone. If invited they have cancelled when a better option came along or an adult child changed plans. Other sisters don’t include me at all though I’d hosted them and their young families in my home holiday/events when we were younger and lived in a bigger home. 2 sisters live in the same town as I which I had returned to after retiring. Heard little from anyone during the entire pandemic. Golden Child sister routinely stonewalls me and aligns others for some minor offense or another of mine. She seething with envy but contrarian and aggressive. I have shown up whenever I’m invited to a niece or nephew’s wedding or shower, but it’s becoming aversive as I’m often ignored and one sister is always attacking me for my politics (which I don’t bring up) or correcting me if I talk about my own adult children. As if she’s the expert on my own children. The adult children who are struggling with addiction are very difficult. At times abusive. The others dismissive. I pursued higher education and a long professional career, but now I’m retired and apparently approaching utter uselessness.
I’m aware social isolation is not healthy and I’ve always desired social interaction but I am not able to make these relationships work. Focusing on my artwork, reading, cats. Walking, gardening, music. Healing my cptsd. Giving up on “family”. Finally.
One difficulty that has perpetuated some of the feelings of low self-worth is when the other person in a new relationship feels like they are having to “pay” for what someone else did because of the issues the neglected/abused person has brought into the relationship. Often they (the new person in the relationship) just need to understand that it has nothing to do with them and in fact they can help the abused person. I think it gives them hope to realize they can actively do something instead of just suffer the negative effects.
But….is that something anyone should have to put up with, particularly in a relationship of one’s choosing? 🤔
No, I don’t mean that they should put up with it but rather understand the reactions that stem from abuse, not them, and be willing to help the affected one to overcome the abuse.
No one should allow themselves to be a whipping post because of another’s abuse or neglect. That is the excuse abusers give. One should understand where their reactions come from and work to overcome that so it eventually won’t have as much impact in their life.
@@chicane7752 Absolutely.
The abused person shouldn't be in a relationship until they have healed from their trauma. Then, there won't be anything done that someone else feels like they are paying for. It isn't healthy to expect (or want) a new partner to help you work out your issues.
Some people don’t realize they have trauma until later. Some don’t realize or understand that they have trauma until later. Some trauma never heals. Often one learns how to manage it with healing, but there will be triggers probably throughout the rest of their lives. Often a healthy, loving relationship can be part of that healing. To state that they should not be in a relationship at all until they are “healed” is unrealistic and begs the definition of “healed”. They should be at a healthy place before jumping into a relationship, for sure.
My narcissistic husband and my mother have made me sick I never mattered to either one of them. They never asked me how was my day or what did I do today. They do the same thing to my daughter I only have one picture my took of my daughter.
Neglect? What neglect? I fed that dog once this week, twice last week, and once the month before. So where was the neglect? I don't get it? 1 day when it was burnin hot I even gave it some cool clear water to drink.
Or..."We fed you, we clothed you , you never went hungry; you always had a birthday cake." 😆🙄
@@truthseeker243 She (what did we do that was wrong?) is leaving (we didn't know it was wrong) home (we gave her everything money could buy).... [from the song "She's Leaving Home" by the Beatles, if you don't recognize it. Great song.]
Omg it's still working😪 I feel guilty for poking fun in my comment. It's true many kids don't even have the things I listed, and many do go hungry.. And it was very good of them to provide. I mean who wants to go hungry? Or not have something special done for your birthday? How dare I! I feel like such a selfish worthless brat all over again for simply wanting to have been heard, and not made to feel less than. And that's what takes years sometimes decades to get over. The guilt trips. It's almost like one has to get enough clarity to get angry at the manipulation FIRST, before one can even begin to heal, and let one's own soul come to life. And break the pattern of self-sabotage. That first breath is poignant. And then you remember all the other times you were manipulated for no good reason other than for them to serve themselves and their agenda.. The forgiveness to self begins. That's when we meet that inner child, embrace him/her, and give it to God. Let it go. Forgive them for...their own unhealed traumas before becoming parents. And realize that they still have them. Finally time to release the inner child,, and join a world of survivors. Pretty much all of us get traumatized in one way or another. It's called life.
In our advanced cultures we are fortunate to have people like Mr. Magee to help us heal these wounds .
I always wondered why I was a bit messier looking in old photos and my siblings were tidy. My abuse was so bad I wouldn't let anyone help me so I looked neglected. Disheveled until I began getting outside compliments in school around 12 years old. I took baths for comfort, and I loved clean sheets. Nature provided solace. I got real pretty that paved my way to marry a narcissist. 😢good times.
Topic Idea: what to do if this is happening to you…
Yes, please!
Regarding maladaptive coping mechanisms, I know you guys in the field or sometimes reluctant to talk about sex, but acting out through risky sex, sex with with unsafe partners, sex that’s likely to lead to STDs. That’s my experience in my relationship with narcissistic neglect and I wish you guys would mention it more. Don’t be so squeamish.
You are describing my life ,
You're not as alone as you feel. Hope you can work it out.
So need to hear about how to heal when leaving abusive toxic and all that entails, marrage of years and trying to start over again at 60+years of age. Especially when adult children when once supportive of leaving abuser, now cause the negelt too. Its like living in a covert abusive toxic isolation ground hog day, only alone!
I am 62. My ex discarded me, hard, after 34 years of trauma bonded chaos, six years ago this coming November. We saw a lot of marriage counsellors over the years [they had no clue and in most instances made it much worse, became a source of supply for him] and a few therapists on my own [better] but tbh, this youtube channel, Dr Craig Malkin, and Dr Ramani, helped the most. They all start with disclaimers that the videos and books are not a replacement for therapy, but honestly, it's expert advice and information and most therapists are as ignorant on this stuff as I was. I watched, responded, and cut and pasted it into a doc, so as to record my journey. I filled seven? writers notebooks in pencil, whenever I was awash in grief or rage or despair. I just spilled it all out. It felt like I was getting the poison out. I did NOT date. At first, the men who were hovering I'd worked with [from a relative distance] and knew well enough to be unhealthy emotionally so I stayed clear, in spite of a deep loneliness. Now, I'm getting to such a happy place that I don't think I want a manspreader snoring in my bed. I grieved, omg I grieved, my son. We've always been close but he could not risk me over sharing about my ex [I understood. My mum still does this and even while I do not much like my father, I still hate hearing about him. She's a covert narc victim and plays the same toxic tape over and over] My son distanced himself from me and my grief and it almost killed me. But he was right to do it. He was not the solution to my pain. I was. And time. We are finally growing closer, again. It's hard, so hard, but it's only going to get better, now you are free. If you are an extrovert, or you remember who you used to be, maybe you could join a hiking club, or painting, or whatever. The point is to get out. Most people are lovely. If you like animals you can pet sit, or maybe volunteer to pat cats or walk dogs at the SPCA. It's hard to remember and trust that it will get better but it will. Pinky swear.
You just described what I'm experiencing right now for the last ten years. It's truly hard to accept but I knew there was a behavioral health issues I just did not put it together u til a week ago .my current environment is toxic and very traumatic. I'm constantly in fight or flight mode, resulting in inflammation severe anxiety and mental health issues I never had before. It's going to be very hard due to my life circumstances. But I'm starting a d learning to put myself first and loving myself again for my life and health!
This neglect and emotional abuse is the absolute hardest part of this whole toxic mess.
100% you’ve just described my life too 😥
Just came upon you in past 6 hrs..Have been disengaging from NARCS for 40+yrs...Narrowed down to last one, but only kn, so important to me,since both now in 70s.See 1 of his 5.That is all,from about 50...pretty lonely, but I ' rather be alone and sad than with family&praying for death...Have always been hungry for knowledge,musical,artistic,never bored,butßtill feel pain of neglecHave had to make lots of lemonade from lemons...I found your 1st 2videos very smart. You&Les Carter&DrRamani are very smart& helpful NARC minds.I shall pass your wisdom on to niece...Many thanks!!!
I got 4 years of the silent treatment during all 4 years of high school from my mom. Then, I got discarded (had to leave the home) the very next day after graduation.
That's awful 😢❤
Wait guys....but what means silent treatment? My English is not good, I grew in a toxic home with dictator father and a mother that neglected me and never showed affection to her kids and since I was a kid I learnt to treat them(and everybody) who tried to provoke me or doing me harm treat them with silent treatment, I thought is the best thing to do, ignoring them and stop talking. I thought doing this is better than something else that could make the situation worse. So now I'm a narcissist person?
@f_society9151 As a child, that was you coping in a terrible situation so that it would not worsen. But now, at your age, you must find a way to communicate verbally in supportive, positive way.
@@helenarubio3371 I don't have the skills to communicate with other people, all my life I was alone, no friends, no girlfriend, nothing...I mean, I can say 2 or 3 words to random people but I can't create a strong connection, only something superficial. But when somebody do something wrong to me I stop talking with him/her using silent treatment for months and even years so they know that they did something wrong, I still don't know if they understand or not. I did this with my monster parents, with my fake friends and it past 3 years since I don't see or talk with my brother, "the golden children". The lack of affection and love from my mother that always neglected me, the selfish dictator alcoholic father with no empathy that loved to humiliate me and bullies that beated me as a kid till I had blood on my nose....made me become the person that I'm now. I can't imagine myself different.
There nothing wrong with you. This is not your fault. You didn't cause this. You had a bad mother. I am so sorry.
I am a mom. I am sending you mom hugs.
Yes, this is my life! I wish I could have my narcissistic partner watch this and understand all of this.
Yeah I’ve been through this it’s different.
In the middle of this right now with a spouse of 17 years. It hurts so much. He is a good provider but has the emotional dynamic of a couch. I'm going to be leaving him.
12 step programs can be very helpful. There isn’t really a specific program for people who have experienced narcissistic neglect but programs like Al-Anon, codependents anonymous and sometimes depending on your specific situation some of the sex programs like sex and love addicts anonymous or sexual compulsives anonymous or sex addicts anonymous can be helpful but again that’s when the problems in your relationship lead to a lot of sexual acting out and I say this as a gay man, I think that gay men often a lot of these issues in narcissistic relationships whether abuse or neglect tend to generate a response that has to do with risky sex & increasingly risky sexual activity.
How interesting that you say that one of the traits of a person who has been emotionally neglected is that they will not ask for help. They try to handle everything alone because they do not feel worthy of being a bother. I’ll take it a step further. I have realized that I feel as if I have no value in a relationship unless I can be of service. I need to be useful in some way or I’m not worth knowing. My feelings are insignificant so I don’t bother people with them. I avoid new relationships because I am afraid of being swallowed whole by someone else’s needs and the complete lack of freedom I once had, because I’m pretty sure they won’t live me for just myself. My last and very devastating relationship was with an elderly man a few years my senior. I am now convinced that he had only wanted to marry me to have a free cook, maid and chauffeur, because when his children put him into a care facility he did not ever want to see me again. I guess I am lucky I did not marry him.
This video, and the last one on neglect. You were speaking to my heart. This was my experience. Exactly. I did try everything to just be seen. To get him to show some interest... like he used to. It was one of the most awful things I've ever gone through. It nearly destroyed me, or, nearly caused me to destroy myself. Thank you so much for speaking on this!
🌱🌏💚 KiaOra. Good morning Darren and community. Thank you for this series, excellent resource!
Anger. Families breed contempt. It's the secret of our success, but impossible to accept. So we keep the home fires burning while flattering ourselves with our vain achievements, and end up where we are now, on the brink on self-extinction.
Are these your own words, or are they from a song? Very profound. Sadly, like the video, they sum up my situation at the moment. I'm in shock. What happens now? Damn!
@@petex3345 God's words, I'm just a messenger. Understanding will set you free. To quote Daniel "Many shall be purified, and made white . . . and none of the wicked shall understand; but the wise shall understand."
Meanwhile we prepare for the worst, and hope for the best.
Omg. You have just described my (ex) relationship. Wow. I was wondering why i couldn't tally any more. Never had a problem chatting to other people, but i could no longer tell the ex anything really.
Thank you, so so spot on! X
Best description ever! Thank you. 🌼
Impressive video again.
You described my life for the last 4 years in both videos thank you so much 🙏
Thank you.
Its weird because normally you'd go to your spouse for support, share your hurt and find comfort maybe advice but its them that's hurting you so you just take it and look at them but remain silent knowing your silence is making them want to hurt you more, they want to see you a sobbing wreck.
This is the part that makes it so much harder.
What do you do when you've been married for 44 years and your husband has obliterated the marriage with his narcissism? Now my husband has dementia and I can not bring myself to abandon him now even though I've put up with his crap for decades. I would be seen as a horrible person for leaving him at this time in his life. Our adult children will not forgive me for leaving their father in his time of need...they have no idea what I've put up with all these years. I have never shared any of this with them. The thought of now having to care for someone who only cared about himself and didn't give a damn about me, our marriage, is horrifying, I don't know what to do. Simply stuck.
Tell you children. They probably suspect anyway - and don’t want to tell you out of respect for you. If they don’t know, at least they will maybe understand why you were behaving like you did.
You need to get it off your chest & not have it bottled up. It is killing you alive. Speak your truth.
I have a Covert Narcissist father, Codependent Mother & Neglectful Husband. I know I gave my Husband all the love & admiration as that’s how my brain was wired.
When I finally questioned my Father about why my brother got everything, I was mentally prepared for him to blow up & storm out of the house. Yes, it upset me deeply but I finally said what was building up for many decades. That night I slept peacefully & a huge weight came off my shoulders.
Since standing up to my Father, I have basically gone no contact with my parents. They don’t know where I live. I’ve now created my own little bubble.
I also now don’t put up with any crap from my neglectful husband. I point out to him different behaviour to me. And I write it in my journal. The journal is for me so I remember everything & don’t get sucked back to him. And to know when I’ve been gaslighted. His greatest fear is our mutual friends finding out how horrible he is. I’m starting to do that now - in secret.
The point is, to get it off your chest. Be mentally prepared to be gaslighted, yelled at etc. it’s YOUR truth. We are all entitled to our own truths. Don’t worry about what others think
Thank you for covering this topic. Could you look at Cassandra Syndrome as a topic? It seems that it would be very applicable to victims of narc neglect also.
Absolutely it is. I don't think my partner is on the spectrum, but I'm a part of a Cassandra group on facebook, and I finally feel like I've found people who can empathize with what I've lived for so many years.
People that are emotionally stunted also exhibit sociopathic tendencies. If you’re trying to reason w/them?? Good luck!
I came because of my ex I wasn't expecting my childhood to be explained. I was just the quiet kid.
That was my relationship and those were my responses to my late husband since 2019.
I want to know more about how to be assertive without being aggressive.
Thanks
Thank you so much for your kind support 👍
I called my dad on Thanksgiving, no reply. For days. I had to call him; I am done with his narcissistic excuses. I deserve better!
It hurts. Then, when I complain, I am talked down to(condescendingly, sarcastically) and expected to understand how "popular" or "busy" he is. Yet, he won't tolerate that from others. One-way street with him. I am tired of his excuses and not bothering at all. If he does, it's nice for a few minutes, then back to horrible. It's a losing battle. I quit him! He' not important, busy or his time doesn't matter any more than anyone else's, despite that he expects me to be available within 5 minutes. He's a tyrant. A narcissistic one at that.
Anybody got vids or advice for this one? I've already done a lot of shadow work, I've been working on that for years before realizing the extent of the neglect and scapegoating after having went through a separate extended period of narcissistic abuse, so it was hard to notice the subtlety of neglect until now I guess.. and honestly I prefer the abuse, at least they weren't pretending to love me.
Anyway, I've got pretty good self worth, built my stats up on that.. but my anxiety and trust issues prevent me from meeting people who won't do this to me. I basically don't talk to anyone but the cashier.. and yes I'm still stuck living with these people for now unfortunately.
Any tips or vids would help 💙 luv yaz
Hi Darren, could this apply to mother & daughter relationships?
It absolutely can! There's a lot of good videos about it. It's a shame that u posted this a month ago w/ NO response from Darren,BUT i noticed the post right after u(a month later) got a heart/love from Darren... I guess having his ego fed is more important than actually helping people
I became an alcoholic. I have to take responsibility for drinking but it does not mean the other is true too.
Sorry for commenting but I this is how I can communicate with a psycho who's been flooding my feed with violent content for a long time, many of which encourages suicide. Any recommendation? Anyone? I might not see replies because he turns off notifications, clears copyboard, deletes my comments...It's not a joke.
@@sharoncarroll9657 I just love the stupidity in these comments
❤
12-Step programs like Al-Anon can help.
Hi,it happened tò me over a long period of time.Please be warned and leave soonest.
Cant live with a wall.Mine told me in the end that he LIKES
'snowing' on people.Accept no
hoovers.Dont trust the crying child.
Done. I’m out
the purpose of life is the same as the definition of life: mobility of awareness
23-06-04: 1. Disconnection. 2. Slow working poison: talked again and again over several decades about how I had never signed up to be June Cleaver. With glazed over eyes, he would tut tut and then go back to being /doing him. Or he'd make the grandiose gesture of offering, with tons of drama, to quit. And of course, that was not an option. He was the breadwinner. Terrible loneliness 3. Self worth: I learned to stop sharing anything about my day...he would monologue at me. I just felt numb. 4. I'd go for long stretches of just existing and then I"d try to get my needs met, and then came my sarcasm and anger, two 'gifts' I excel at. I have worked for years as an adult to not wield these weapons. Nothing changed. Well, things gradually got worse. The more I loved him, the worse the devaluation got. 5. I worked like a demon to get in touch with my emotions, so I could be a good mom and not repeat the sins of my parents. Tons of therapy. Unfortunately from therapists who had no idea of what narcissism was. A whole book shelf of self-help books. And I got a lot of validation at work, b/c I was a good teacher, loved the kids and the kids loved me back. I have a great relationship with my son. I think that my focus on that saved me. 6. He'd share all right. Allll about the new computer software. Blah, blah, blah. Lots of outbursts of anger on both our parts at times when his supply was threatened, when we were pushed by external stressors. And he'd RAGE. He had nearly 100 pounds on me and still it was better than the silent treatment. I should have been terrified. I still don't understand why I rarely was. Things could randomly spin out of control. 8. I totally became a person who took care of others. Eventually, self esteem did NOT plummet. I got to a place of acceptance and cynicism. But I was exhausted. I still try to do it all alone 9. Huge trust issues. I cannot see it, a partner my age who's not messed up. And if you are single at 60, it's usually for good reason. 10. Insomnia, migraines, chronic fatigue, higher blood pressure and cholesterol, depression. But six years free now and these are all much improved. Everything is much improved. Even the loneliness is healthy. Normal. And better than the alternative.
Thanks for sharing this. I’m 62. My ex moved out about two years ago after a 20-year marriage. I was such a mess. It’s getting better.
@@MichaelBroder hang in there. Looking back, two years out and I was still pretty messed up, although I'd have these strange waves of, almost, exhiliration, then fall back into the slough of despair. I'm 62 as well, and six years out I am truly clear of the biochemistry that had me addicted, although I still suffer from trust issues. There have been half a dozen interested men [a few of them man children, lol] about, but just the thought of getting involved gives me a little jolt of panic. I was so young when we married...But I love life now, am having so much fun. I feel 195 pounds lighter! Just be careful not to fall for the same toxic wolf in ewe's clothing again :)The best of luck to you.
Sorry for the assumption! And I live in the most LBGTQ + city in NA so should know better! Wolf in sheep's clothing! And my ex was also a sex addict, or addicted/ashamed, I think, of impulses. He certainly had a whole secret life. But have a look here on UA-cam at Raw Motivations [a self avowed self-aware narc if that's not an oxymoronic term] and what he has to say about sex addicts vs/ narc needs. It's interesting to hear from the other side, like a Darth Vader confessional. I think he channels my ex pretty effectively. Certainly his descriptions match up.