Adult with Autism | Autism & Relationships | 17
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- Опубліковано 14 сер 2024
- Relationships for me are like cakes. They're alright, but I wouldn't be bothered if I never had one again...
Some people can't breathe without one and dive into one after another, whereas I become even more independent putting my defences higher and my ability to compromise lower.
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"I want to be alone…with someone else who wants to be alone." - Dimitri Zaik
And thanks to the internet it is actually possible to find another human being with equally unique world perspective.
Absolutely. I found a very close variation of that saying only this year too, and understood it completely.
It takes a lifetime of discovery and work for find your identity and comfort within it, I just don't know why people are so quickly and willingly to give up their individuality to combine with another human.
Being an autistic woman many of these things ring true. I want a partner for me, not my family, not my friends. In fact I can't even handle a partner being around constantly. The only way I could do it is if we shared space without talking, and they kept their hands off me. NT men do not understand that.
After watching your video on relationships I feel like the luckiest man in the world, my wife and I can be sat in the same room and enjoy each other’s company without having the need to constantly talk and just get on and do our own thing, it’s like we are in tune with each other,and if I had to constantly talk I would not be able to cope and would just meltdown or totally shutdown.
Thats definitely the key, finding someone who you can be comfortable in the company of, and vice versa. Nothing artificial 👍🏻
You are so lucky. My husband and I absolutely hate each other. Its awful.
@@universaltruth2025
That’s very sad, you must have loved each other at some point, maybe you could both find that flame again ?
@@jasonclarke7422 thanks. I think we’ve probably gone past the point of no return . We did used to be happy together. But we’re stuck together with house reno that’s about a month off being completed, mortgage to pay off and dependent kids. I’m a SAHM and don’t know how I’d pay him out if we split. Or where I’d live if I moved out.
@@universaltruth2025
My relationship with my wife was not always peaches and cream, and before we were married 24 years ago,we split due to circumstances beyond our control, and sold the house we were buying, so I can understand your issue and having dependent children makes things a whole lot more difficult. The only comfort I can give you is that in 10 years time you will look back and I am sure that you will be in a happy place, and when you look back you will see this part of your life as a learning curve, I wish you all the very best and hope that things get a lot better for you sooner rather than later ❤️🙏
great stuff Paul. You are a natural story teller. I am a new subscriber and am working my way through your posts. As someone who was self diagnosed at 78 two years ago I am soaking up UA-cam stuff like a sponge.
Thank you. I hope you enjoy some videos along the way 👍🏻
❤
I once read a story about a married couple where she only agreed to marry if they live in separate houses. So they built two small houses next to each other on the same land. She was probably an undiagnosed autist. :)
That's a good idea! It's very hard to recharge with someone around you all the time, even if you care for that person, so can understand that.
I love that beard! You can't offend me. 😂
Haha, many thanks 👍🏻
It does make sense and it’s true that being in a relationship is very difficult. I would say you make it easier because you are very honest from the start. It’s even harder when you mask a lot in the beginning because you are so used to masking in order to fit in and show your best side and then after a while it’s hard to put up with the perfect image you created of you and you become exhausted and cranky and your partner goes « who the hell is this person ?! » it’s hard for them as well.
Your thoughts on the clubs made me smile : I’ve always felt so uncomfortable dancing in front of people, like you stand up, walk to the middle of the room and start dancing... it is so awkward and unnatural. I like dancing but on my own and never on command.
Haha, I will never understand the joy I am meant to feel clubbing.
The hard part about the honesty, is when time has passed and they trying to blame you for your honesty when it conflicts with what they want further down the line...
I am seriously starting to wonder if I’m somewhere on the spectrum listening to this. Or maybe just highly introverted. Two of my kids have ASD. I hate all the things you mentioned like the obligatory family connections that come with partners, and Christmas day! Absolutely hate it. Even joined a fb group called ‘I hate Christmas’. I try to make it nice for our kids but I think its because I’m often exhausted by that time of the year. I don’t like cooking. It just seems like a lot of extra work. I’m also not a big fan of theme parks, rides etc. Or even going on holiday. I do love my kids and enjoy being around them, but I love being alone. I get drained being around my husband unfortunately but it’s because his way of relating is to continually sulk and do the silent treatment 24/7.
You need down time. A space for you to recharge where you belong to you. It makes events...and people easier to manage when you know that time is going to be yours again around the corner. You're important too 👍🏻
Howdy Paul! Cool video you know what you want and that is awesome. I am cracking up because I love that they don’t speak grownup! Oh, and tickles your pickle😂. I have been with my partner for 34 years and still not sure how I lucked out. I can be a real pain to live with and that’s ok🙃. We do not have a group of friends like you described, but do go over to peoples houses and have people over. When ever I do have people over and need the next day to recover😁. We don’t socialize that much because we both have social anxiety. I hate clubs! I don’t get that concept at all. Being crammed in a loud room nearly touching people and no being able to talk! Total waste of time. I also know what I like and don’t like for most things. Sometimes if there is a food I have never seen I might give it a try because I can’t formulate an opinion! Divergence coming! I love roller coasters! Ha! I like going fast, my car does 0-60 in 4 seconds😱. And finally my brain switches on the instant I wake up! All the bees start wizzing around! Thanks as always for sharing. As I said before feel like I had a nice chat with a friend. Well maybe one of those friends that only talks about himself 🤣😂🤣. Cheers!
Haha, I know! I really should shut up and let someone else get a word in!
Are you sure you don't drive a rocket?
Absolutely understand the next day recharge! In fact, if I do have time socialise, I do it on a Friday of a public holiday weekend, as the Monday becomes my Sunday because it feels like I've lost a day!
And morning person? Lucky man. I've been tired since 1999!!
Glad your partner accentuates your life too.
Legit agree with everything, I smiled and nodded in agreement the entire time☺️. It’s nice to be seen, and know I’m not the only one. Think you explained it really well👍🏻
Thanks Grace11, comments like that remind me why I started the channel 👍🏻
Hey Paul another awesome video, and your spot on Relationships are very hard for people on the spectrum like us, every day i find it a challenge to communicate with people around me, you explained about personal space so well, i wish my family would understand that. I am very happy to be on my own also, i do not need to be in a relationship i am focused on things i need to be doing. Thank you for being so open.
Thanks for the comment Gemma, no problem 👍🏻
I'm doing alright now that I get to see your handsome face. 😉
Wow interesting! Before watching your video I sent you an email replying to your last one. I actually say a few things you mention in this video! I'm glad you finally attempted this topic. You did a great job with it!
Thanks Kris, I needed to find the right angle to get the topic across. Your email helped.
@@AdultwithAutism You're welcome and I'm glad to hear I was of some help.
Always 👍🏻
Hahahahah, that alien sentence! That hit my heart some time ago when I discovered a similar thing. I also flipped it, thinking what if I was a real earthling and the other people were aliens, that made even more sense to me.
Very much a similar vibe going on. I also get that waste of time part heavily. Some of the close ones I have spoken to about my relationship have mostly said "we'll, atleast you've gained knowledge and experience out of that", that sentence never satisfied me, I was more upset about the time and energy investment :D, I guess that was the lesson there.
Celebrating? - I don't even like my own birthday (congratulate my mother, not me), haha
Thank you for sharing! Appreciated!
Haha, I'll remember that on my next birthday, I'll pass the wishes on to my mum 😂
My birthday date will always be a closely guarded secret!
Awesome video like always. Thank you
Thank you Fal Ami
Makes perfect sense to me. Very well put
Always welcome 👍🏻
I completely suck at relationships. There is a silent dance of expectations and things that should and shouldn't be said. It's mind boggling to find the balance and share enough but not over share. I just ask what I want to know and hope they are being honest enough to do the same and say what they actually mean. I hope one day I find a relationship that sticks.
I understand that. I've been in that position before where I just hope my truths are being met with the same level. The right person will reciprocate 👍🏻
I feel that way getting up and waking up too.
I'd love to be a morning person, instead I'm just a person awake in the morning!
Hahahah, yes, me too...spot on.
All of this resonates with me. I'm a little more willing to at least let the kids thing happen someday because I want more autists in the world but I'm not going out of my way for it
Kids are definitely for most people, I know I'm in the minority for not wanting them.
0:32 😂 I never get the impression about you whatching this. You just seem like you.
11:05 that makes sense.
My husband and I love each other because we love being alone together.😅 And videogames. 8 years goong strong. But I completely respect single people. Like awesome do that! 😊
17:31 😂 right!? I have a kid its great. But no I dont care if others do or not. I'd rather people dont have them then mess them up. I love that your so self aware that you wont give in to trends its great.
Trends are not for me. I mean, skinny jeans was a trend?! That's NOT happening.
Situationships are not for me 😉
Haha, never heard that term before! I only entered situationships with people wanting the same. I suppose my blessing and my curse is absolute honesty, so I've never led anyone on thinking it was more. But that was a long time about in my early twenties!
I learned to mask late, and I kinda unmask on dates because I need to see if they like the real me. They don't. I've spent my life being ignored or targeted for abuse, like many autistic women. I am relieved to know my future is being alone, in that way I can get to know myself and feel safe.
Not every relationship has to meet the expectation of what a neurotypical world expects, they also have to be right for you too.
@@AdultwithAutism of course! I'd love a relationship where I don't live in the same house with my partner, anyway... It's like it'd be being too close to someone else? I could only be confortable in that situation with someone very much like me, or exactly like me. You are handsome, as was already said here; I'm in another continent so this is just a compliment, but, have you checked your demographics? As I see in the comments you're popular with the ladies! Keep uploading, xxx