The only time I lie is if I get startled, feel scared and I am too coward to tell the truth. That is very rare but always feel terrible. I try to remind myself though that I am only a human being and by that do wrong sometimes.
No, you're not alone. I'm told that autistic people don't lie, but I have been a liar most of my life. I'm now convinced most people would rather believe something they know there's no real reason to believe than seriously consider something that doesn't make sense to them, even if there's evidence. Having a super memory for anything of great interest or great psychological pain to us, and a less than super memory for everything else certainly doesn't help us win arguments with such people.
I'm a terrible liar but a liar nonetheless. I can only lie by omission and if I'm called out, I crumble so easily. BUT...I so have a guilty conscience, so if I'm called out for something that I am definitely NOT lying about, I will react as if I _am_ lying and no one will believe me. It's the worst feeling. And OMG, the memory for psychological pain I'd horrendous. Especially breakups. People don't understand why it takes so long for me to get over someone. They don't understand how vivid my memory is for every touch and the experiences we had together. I can just drop myself into her apartment in my mind like I'm really there. It makes it SO hard to detach.
I can resonate with the reaction when you're not lying but yet come across to others like you're hiding something or disingenuous because of your reaction. I've been in that situation far too many times.
In all honesty I feel like I’ve been living a lie, and it’s caused me so much soul crushing pain, disappointment, heartache, and depression. I get ignored when I’m trying to explain what I’m really feeling, like my parents just don’t care that I’m frustrated with something. It’s embarrassing that my parents treat me like I’m a child or I’m stupid, when I’m highly intelligent and intuitive. I may have done some stupid things but it’s not a reason to baby me over.
I'm really happy that I've found your channel. Just listening to your videos I see so much of my self. It helps me feel like I'm not the only one and that other people feel the same way I do. Thank you!
This video really Resonated with me: I worked in Corporate Sales & was surrounded by Liars. I was ALWAYS 'Punished' for being the only Truth-Teller in the Sales Team. What I have recently discovered by doing a lot of research in Narcissistic Personality Disorder - is that a Narcissist will always EXPECT to be lied to (as they are pathalogical liars) and they then become angry at anyone who dares to tell them the Truth! I wish I'd known this years ago: it would have saved me a LOT of pain anxiety & self-doubt.
I have too many things to say about this topic. I feel the main difference between masking and lying is intention. We don't wake up and say, "I'm going to put on my mask and deceive the world today." Our masks have evolved through time to use as a coping mechanism. Whereas a true liar will actively think about how they are going to deceive others in order to get ahead. So why are they believed instead of us? I think the reason is that they are simply good at lying. Their intention is to lie and to get away with it. A more complex thought I have is that a neurotypical brain will naturally lean towards another neurotypical brain. No matter how good we think we are at masking, we really have no true idea how others perceive us. There will always seem to be something 'off' about us that a neurotypical can't quite put their finger on. That difference, I believe, is what tips the scale towards believing a liar instead of us. (Yes, I have experienced this problem of not being believed since I was a small child, and in my most recent, former workplace.) Does this make any sense?
It makes perfect sense Karen, and I know absolutely what you mean. If only people could understand why we have to mask. It isn't for our benefit, it is for theirs. If they could accept us as we accept them, we wouldn't need to do it.
@@AdultwithAutism So true. Now completely unrelated...I had quite an unexpected reaction to your using my name. Sorry...I should have waited before responding...maybe I should send an email...but if I don't...it's about validation. Thank you Paul. 🦋
There's a couple of unfair things in the equation of human interactions. As an autistic person I would be bullied for literally everything. Everything I did was a joke and it would be hyperanalyzed to make even more jokes about my processing. So I learned to keep things to myself. Particularly when it came to dating. People would ask me incredibly invasive questions about my personal business. They are only seeking ammunition. But not because I've decided I don't want to share any of these things that I know will make me a target I'll get branded as the deceitful one. You can't take part in this world without NT's or narcissistic people presenting you as some monster
We speak two different languages, but our language is frowned upon by a lot of people. So when we speak, we're silenced. It shouldn't happen, but I still run into it multiple times a week.
I have had experiences like that in school as a child/teen which were probably pretty traumatic. One of my biggest fears is not being believed when I’m telling the truth, and them denying or ignoring any evidence. I am terrible at and don’t enjoy most board games which have a deception or hidden role or bluffing element. I can try to keep a straight face and pretend I don’t have anything good or don’t know something, but I can’t lie and pretend I’m something I’m not or take an action which I know I could get called out for. If I ever do try to bluff I end up struggling to suppress giggling - I think I find the contradiction funny or maybe I just get anxious of being called out. As a general rule I won’t bother trying to bluff and sometimes end up winning as a result of people trying to call me out as bluffing and being wrong (depending on whether it is possible to win the game that way). I also can’t tell when other people are lying and get upset when I find out that I have been lied to. So I don’t like being in situations where I have to figure out who is lying, I prefer when things can be worked out using logic.
This is the story of my life! I get nightmares about this. I can tell someone the sky is blue and they would make it as if I'm crazy or talking nonsense. I seriously have dreams like the house burning down and trying to warn everyone and no one believing me and telling me I'm lying and talking over me. I can't handle it that people mistrust me, because I try my damn best to talk honestly and what is true, because I hate blatant lying.
Yep, I know the feeling, it's horrible. Maybe some people struggle with absolute honesty, or don't like to hear how simple something can be once the nonsense is swept away? But it has had an impact for me, as I'm no longer someone who speaks first.
Hi Paul. You are no alone in being disbelieved. I don't know why it is, but it happens. Happened this morning: I recalled a conversation and the other person flat out denied every single word that was said, even though they originally said it. What I have learned is that some people twist the truth, and the harder you defend yourself and try to be heard, the worse it is. Good for you for having evidence that you can present though, I hope it works out.
Thanks Chase. It is tough when you can recall every word, and they deny every one of them. Make you out be a liar off of their lie...and you're the only one worked up about it! And people wonder why I am not a sociable creature!
I see this happening a lot in my life. I suspect this has to do with the lie being more believable because crafted lies have an emotional component that allows the believer to have a sense of comfort. On the opposite side, when I present truth, I do so logically and with evidence, but that *feels* cold and less comfortable. More direct. More assertive. I'm sure there must be a heavy, non-verbal, soothing aspect to successful liars as well. I also wonder if our factual evidence makes people feel defensive naturally, worried they may one day be sitting in the adversarial position and faced with our evidence gathering. Truly, we shouldn't have to gather evidence, but it's things like this that make us do so.
Someone once said to me 'never let the truth get in the way of a good story'. I hated that, and still do. But the world thrives on it. It's why I make sure my point is able to be proven, no matter how anal or boring it appears to be. The truth matters to me 👍🏼
HI Paul, great to see you! Haven’t heard from you in a while, hint hint, nudge nudge🤣! Yes to everything you said. First we are honest! I am literally the one who said to my moms friend, “you are fat, so yes!”. I also feel the need to be trusted and I too keep evidence. I am not sure the office people mistrusting you, its people mistrusting everyone. I have so been there when you present the evidence and the same response, thanks for that. Never get the you are right and the other is lying! Sorry you and George are still under the weather. Hope you both feel better soon!
Haha! I'll get right on that. I haven't read any emails this week, took a breather! Definitely agree, people just mistrust others these days, but understandable when every country is run by untrustworthy people! If it is infected from the top, can't expect more from the bottom. Just a shame as we feel we have to justify consistently and fight against other people lying too.
It’s not just you! On multiple occasions, I was playing a group game called Avalon, which has two teams opposing each other and is basically all about whether the other players think you are lying or not. I’m such a bad liar, so I usually just tell the truth in whatever way is most helpful to my team. It wasn’t the most complex strategy, but at least I was being included in the gameplay! One of the players kept saying that she didn’t trust me, didn’t believe I was telling the truth, and so was generating all his doubt about whether I was actually helping my team or not. In the end, it didn’t matter that I was doing my best because she had already damaged everybody’s view of me. I stopped playing games with that group of people after that. It was nice to be included, but not nice to be purposefully mistrusted.
I can understand that. It reminds me of a certain someone who wanted me to be wrong, and I was purposefully mistrust, and they fed a constant stream of lies to others. So when I did speak with radical honesty, I was mistrusted because of lies others spoke. So my reputation was damaged by someone else placing seeds of doubt on others. Unfortunately, it was real life and not a game, but reminds me of the saying 'never let the truth get in the way of a good story!. I never did understand why they always felt the need to lie about me.
yep, all my life… I was constantly accused of lying when I was a kid. It drove me crazy. And then, adulthood, still trying to prove myself. To the exclusion of being able to think straight, actually. That’s all the more reason to stop. Have you heard of the Uncanny Valley theory?
Haha, I would change my GP, but it is, unfortunately, the same for all in my area. They all share one large building and seem to all have the same impossible practice of appointments. I looked at Google reviews and they all say the same thing.
I didn't know that, maybe I will cast my net further afield in relation to GP practices. One that is Autism friendly would be a massive start! Thank you.
Hi Paul,have they checked your pup for pancreatitis,my dog Alf is now 5 years old and we had similar problems with him being sick a lot when he was a pup and it took about three years of taking him to the vet’s until a young veterinarian spotted it doing a blood test and working out his symptoms. My boy is now on a strict diet of chicken breast mixed with sweet potato with a bit of broccoli and carrot,it cost my wife and I a small fortune feeding him but thankfully he is a lot better and if he has a flare up it is short lived and he does not become seriously I’ll like he used to. I hope that your pup is feeling much better soon 👍
Hi Jason, they have done a lot of blood work on him, but I can certainly ask if he shows any signs of that. He is back again soon so I'll talk to the vet to rule it in or out. There is still a bug going around my way too for dogs, and it's really difficult to see where his symptoms start for something serious, and the bug ends. But thank you for sharing, I'll definitely pass it by them 👍🏻
I think that based on the way we interact and the lack of ability in other areas of life causes people to not believe what we are saying. I have this problem as well- possibly because of the way I word things, like if there is a possibility something is wrong I will quantify that rather than the NT wording will say this is certain. Generally I try and be as accurate as I can which can lead me to sound incorrect or uncertain because I don't say things are for certain unless they really are. (though even tism people can be wrong and when we are it is usually highlighted more probably because of our emphasis on accuracy)
I tend to not be heard these days based more around my bluntness of how I say things. I don't do Politics, in life or in work, so when there is an agenda stopping something sensible happening, I don't like thay people fudge around their true answer instead of just saying it. Because once that happens, you will never be able to reel me back in for investment. So from that point, I'm not trusted down to oddities leading up to it.
This is a head-scratcher for me, too. Not sure why people don't believe me even when I know a whole lot about something. The effect is them gaslighting me, or attempting to anyway. I rarely try to convince anyone. If I know my stuff, and I usually wouldn't talk about it unless I did, I just mentally shake my head and let them go on thinking wrong things. They are the fools and it lowers my estimation of them. I think of the Dunning Kruger effect. People who are very sure of themselves and are dead wrong. They don't know what they don't know. I used to try to convince, make a case. If it's important, I might still do that, but otherwise, not worth the aggravation. I'm not good at convincing people, though. Listening to you made me wonder more about this and I had a new idea. When I talk about things, I don't make eye contact because I can't look and think/talk at the same time. Eye contact is seen as being honest. This is false since most con artists will look you squarely in the eye and lie blatantly. I'm unlike many other autistic people in that I easily make eye contact when listening if I'm genuinely interested and I often am. I'm a visual person so it's part of how I get info. But I cannot make eye contact when speaking unless it's a well-rehearsed small talk script, and probably can then. I'll have to pay attention next time I talk about the weather, etc. I know for sure I can't if it's anything more complex.
I bloody love Premier Inns. To the extent that I have actually bought myself a purple hardback note book in which I will one day write a list of all the premier inns I have ever stayed in. I may call it "Premier Inns that I have known".
I always watch your videos twice so I can absorb the first time around and comment the second time around 😄 And hear things I no doubt missed the first time around! Paul I'm really sorry about George 😢 You're absolutely right puppies should always be happy 💔 Is he a German Shepherd puppy? I always say animals should be exempt from illness and other bad things! George rolling on his back is him being a submissive boyo 🥰 Bless his sweet heart 💓 I'm praying for his and your health! I'm not religious but no harm has ever come from praying in desperate times 🙏 I 100000% relate to the strong need to be believed! Evidence is absolutely a godsend! There's nothing more frustrating than being treated like a liar when you know you're telling the truth! I'm sorry you're dealing with a coworker that keeps lying about you and your gaslighting boss!!! UGH It's infuriating when people deny saying something they said right to your face! And when people don't come through on their promises! Why can't people just say what they mean and mean what they say!? I've definitely said to myself before that I have a fear of not being believed, I can't stand the thought of people seeing me as a liar when I know I'm not. My biggest one is worrying that people think I'm lying about how difficult I find everything. I have no respect for people who lie about mental health and disability related issues, so the thought that someone could even suspect that I'm lying or exaggerating about mine is an awful feeling. You've just perfectly explained the phase I'm going through right now, having deceived for years (tiny, harmless white lies that don't hurt anybody) purely for other's sake or for self preservation and now trying to just unmask little by little. I've had my diagnosis since I was 15 and I'm now 27, only just learning more about myself and after so many burnouts, I've no choice but to actually honour my own needs. "If adults are still saying mommy and daddy you know they're loaded" made me laugh 🤣 As did storm Eunice and the bin lids! 😂 I'm in the UK too, thankfully no destruction by me as of yet 🤞🙈 RIGHT well I've woffled to your woffle, sorry for the length of my woffle 🙈🤣 Thank you for your content and as always Paul, I wish you and George all the absolute best of health and happiness 🙏
You watch me twice per video...you poor thing! 😄 George is a red fox Labrador. If you go to the end of video 24 - I Got A Puppy, you'll see him when he was a pup. I understand the fear that people won't understand and think you're lying. I have had that too. People learn I was diagnosed later in life, and now I reach out for the help and assistance I am now afforded...but people think I am trying it on rather than seeing it for what it is, and that is that I have been faking. Now I don't have to, as much! Storm Eunice only rattled my bin lids, but storm Franklin (who I didn't even hear about) went to town on my place. I was fearing each creak and crack and how much it's going to cost to fix! 😂 Waffling is always welcome, I do enough of it!
@@AdultwithAutism Haha! 🤣 I love it! You'd be surprised how liberating and validating it is to hear the thoughts of somebody else on the spectrum when you've always felt like an alien! 👽😃 Ah, my bad! I had your German Shepherd pup video in my head, still so glad you reported that guy and he got perfect karma! I'll definitely have to revisit that video, it'll be lovely to see George 🥰 I absolutely adore dogs, if it's not obvious 🤣 Exactly! That and when people say "since your diagnosis you seem more autistic", I know people have made videos about why that happens, they're so validating! It's fascinating how the brain works like that, the liberation of the diagnosis seems to immediately allow you to be more, you 🤷🏻♀️ Oh no, I haven't heard of storm Franklin either! Fingers crossed you have no damage to deal with 🤞 I said a prayer for you and George as I said I would haha, take care of yourself and your beautiful boyo 😊🐾 I look very forward to all your future videos 😁😄
I think most of us people with autism had a hard time to get over on things that are traumatic for us. So having lied for years and getting out of that system is hard to even believe in that people will believe on us because after all we lied for many years. It will take time for you to believe that people see things also and they know that you did not lied the problem is it is you who has a hard time to believe that they believe in you simply because ""us" we the people who have autistic have a hard time to get over into something in your case you have a hard time to get over that you were a liar before and now you have changed and people see that.
I always try to be a person of my word because it's something deeply embedded in my soul. Unfortunately this leads to being taken advantage of by others (coworkers, bosses, family, and friends) and it gets tiresome. It just seems like "normal" people in the world are built differently. They all live like sociopaths--lack empathy, don't feel remorse for their actions and take advantage of others for personal gain--and you have to mask like a sociopath to just fit in.
True that about being perceived as not trustworthy for unknown reasons. I'm always regarded highly in reviews for professionalism, then somehow what comes around is colleagues seem to have a weird feeling around me. And nobody knows I'm autistic. It all makes no sense. Thanks for sharing your rants!
I totally agree with that. Having to mask was a way that we got through life the best way we could especially based on the conditions we were living under without awareness of exactly what it was. Know that we know what it is, we no longer have to abide by societal norms simply because it is not our normal. So, if people think they can’t trust us based on our past of having to mask just to be part of their lives but now we are living our truths, then those people aren’t worth having relationships with especially if we explained our reality with them.
I remember my dad asking me, when I was around 9, are you doing this just to make us mad?!?! He was exacerbated. I don't even remember what I was doing. I was SO insulted. My parents weren't bad parents. But I was so broadsided that he would even ask, I thought, no, but maybe I'll start!
As I've gotten into my 30s I've really started to notice the distrust thing, and I'm pretty sure it has to do with NT's being unable to read our behaviors and it comes across as trying to hide something or having a sense of guilt
The amount of disbelief I encounter when there’s a misunderstanding- the “arguing” when not I believe is connected- how I am currently understanding/dealing with it is that’s because we can agree with other people about our objective reality -this apple is an apple- but we don’t share the same subjective reality -it’s mildly sweet and good for you vs it’s intensely tart and horribly mushy- with neurotypicals. Subjective reality when challlenged is fearful and can cause a cognitive dissonance. People will try to destroy, correct or banish something that challenges what they believe is their shared reality like that. Because 98% of people will behave sometimes very differently in those situations and you’re not doing what you expect therefore they don’t think they can trust you. It really sucks I don’t see an easy way to explain it to people
Ive come to see the world loves lies and liars. There is nothing more gut-wrenching of the indignity of not being believed. I am there with you about always feeling you need proof and backup to prove you are being truthful. When i got bullied and overworked in my last job i outperformed anyone in that job and i was treated like garbage. I went on medical leave and found a fantastic attorney who did worker's compensation but also specialized in psychiatric. I was diagnosed with all the comorbidities like CPTSD and ibs that come with autism. At that time i was with a therapist who didn't think i was Autistic and never got tested. Well my attorney believed everything i went through.. it was so difficult telling my story as i was still masking and didnt know what that was. I got sexually harrassed by another woman at my current job and had a talk with my old attorney (she doesn't do employment law) and she said to me "i believe you" and just hearing that Paul makes a world of a difference. Ita so painful the things people do to cover up the truth so they dont have to look in the mirror and take responsibility and accountability for their actions. This is why people love lies and hate the truth.
I agree with you there. Being told you're believed is a huge feeling. I'm currently going through not being believed due to not feeling lonely. I share so many personal details, lows, burnouts etc...yet I'm not believed as I don't suffer loneliness. Its horrible to hear when people discount your mindset in favour of theirs over you.
@@AdultwithAutism sorry I hope I understood what you said... so someone is telling you that your lonely and they dont believe you when you say are not!? Or are you feeling lonely and this person didn't believe you? Sorry I want to respond in support the right way but I am confused which one it is. It's been a rough since last week and I've had multiple meltdowns.
People don't believe me that I don't get lonely. For some reason, me saying it annoys people. I am not after annoying anyone, but it is also the truth...but people don't buy it. It's very strange.
I believe we never forgive ourselves for the lies that helped us fit in. I still feel I do not fit in and never will. And it could be because of the bullying and verbal abuse because I am different. I would tell someone that I believe them. Most people don't say it.
I lie only to protect myself it 😢 it took me 30 years to learn and i developed serious nental illness before i learned it was necessary. I've yet to do it for personal gain. I used to think it was normal to inform ur therapist or doctor when ur thinking of self harm, don't admit to a cop when u were speeding or having more weed then he found on u or u that yes was stealing cuz was starving, or admit when having trouble processing certain input that took me so long to learn, if u admit to a weakness they will use it to hurt you if they feel so much as slighted even if its something that doesn't effect them like coming out as part of the lgbtq community even if it was only omitted cuz you urself didnt know. Socialization needs a fukin manual
That's the problem with vulnerability. You have those who want to make sure you are protected, and everyone else seeing it as an opportunity to exploit it...and those wanting to protect it are a rare find 👍🏻
I don't think it's related to autism, everyone has to extort things from the management that they promised to provide. I have a counter question, in the work team people like to redirect other people to me, instead of answering the question themselves... ask Victor, he knows. Is this a sign of autism? I don't find myself smarter than others, on the contrary, I often doubt my competence, but still many people think you are the smartest, or just know that I won't refuse if I have some strength and capabilities left at the moment... I love helping people, but you end up one of the few doing it. To the point that you start hating yourself for it. I probably wouldn't have such a problem if people didn't trust me
I am the same, I enjoy helping others. It is also a good feeling when people come to ask advice too even in a workplace. Maybe people come to us because once we know the right way of doing it, we do it that way every time we need to do it. So we create a consistent approach. Other people vary how they work, I know I don't. I have my way of working that I find very practical and that is the way I encourage others to do so if they want to do it as efficiently as possible. Might be the reason for me, who knows!
😢 I am so sorry to hear about your dog. Dogs suffer from human disease’s because sadly the food we feed them is full of sugar & chemicals or foods that aren’t suited to their species. Dogs are only supposed to eat a raw meat diet and when fed biscuits or other chemical filled foods eventually it will make them sick. I really hope you are able to consider looking into carnivore diet for your dog for your dogs sake. Dogs are Carnivores and feeding them sugar or vegetables will make them sick because they are not meant to consume that in their natural state. Raw - fish , chicken, beef are nutrient dense foods that your dog will thrive on. Sadly we are all brainwashed to buy the processed pet foods from the supermarkets thinking it’s best but it’s causing harm. All the best thank you very much for your content. Have a good day 🙏
Unfortunately my dog has a GI issue that makes him vomit on raw meats. He is fed a vet approved dry food. There isn't another option for him. He's got a limited range to eat because of his reactions. Otherwise, he'd be on raw 👍🏻
I cannot lie as well as a 2 year old. I gave up trying by age 10. I cannot be deemed honest even on a lie detector, i was told i lied. I have aphantasia, no imagination, no inner dialog or mind-eye .........which I'm punished for, but also those neuroprivilages are imputed to justify punishment as well. I can't play along or even detect these common mind tricks tho i am attacked either way. Some autistics are the greatest actors and liars which commentors deny with the chronic attribution of anything to 'autistics' as some monolithic whole.
Look me in the eyes or are you lying to me? A room with 19 people in a blue dress and one person in a red dress. How stole the keys? You don’t have to answer every comment. You owe the commenters nothing. 😊
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The only time I lie is if I get startled, feel scared and I am too coward to tell the truth. That is very rare but always feel terrible. I try to remind myself though that I am only a human being and by that do wrong sometimes.
No, you're not alone. I'm told that autistic people don't lie, but I have been a liar most of my life. I'm now convinced most people would rather believe something they know there's no real reason to believe than seriously consider something that doesn't make sense to them, even if there's evidence. Having a super memory for anything of great interest or great psychological pain to us, and a less than super memory for everything else certainly doesn't help us win arguments with such people.
Absolutely. A lot of people live by the saying 'never let the truth get in the way of a good story!'.
I'm a terrible liar but a liar nonetheless. I can only lie by omission and if I'm called out, I crumble so easily. BUT...I so have a guilty conscience, so if I'm called out for something that I am definitely NOT lying about, I will react as if I _am_ lying and no one will believe me. It's the worst feeling.
And OMG, the memory for psychological pain I'd horrendous. Especially breakups. People don't understand why it takes so long for me to get over someone. They don't understand how vivid my memory is for every touch and the experiences we had together. I can just drop myself into her apartment in my mind like I'm really there. It makes it SO hard to detach.
I can resonate with the reaction when you're not lying but yet come across to others like you're hiding something or disingenuous because of your reaction. I've been in that situation far too many times.
In all honesty I feel like I’ve been living a lie, and it’s caused me so much soul crushing pain, disappointment, heartache, and depression. I get ignored when I’m trying to explain what I’m really feeling, like my parents just don’t care that I’m frustrated with something. It’s embarrassing that my parents treat me like I’m a child or I’m stupid, when I’m highly intelligent and intuitive. I may have done some stupid things but it’s not a reason to baby me over.
I'm really happy that I've found your channel. Just listening to your videos I see so much of my self. It helps me feel like I'm not the only one and that other people feel the same way I do. Thank you!
Many thanks 👍🏻
This video really Resonated with me: I worked in Corporate Sales & was surrounded by Liars. I was ALWAYS 'Punished' for being the only Truth-Teller in the Sales Team.
What I have recently discovered by doing a lot of research in Narcissistic Personality Disorder - is that a Narcissist will always EXPECT to be lied to (as they are pathalogical liars) and they then become angry at anyone who dares to tell them the Truth!
I wish I'd known this years ago: it would have saved me a LOT of pain anxiety & self-doubt.
Wish I'd have known that too...same reasons! 👍🏻
I have too many things to say about this topic.
I feel the main difference between masking and lying is intention. We don't wake up and say, "I'm going to put on my mask and deceive the world today." Our masks have evolved through time to use as a coping mechanism. Whereas a true liar will actively think about how they are going to deceive others in order to get ahead.
So why are they believed instead of us?
I think the reason is that they are simply good at lying. Their intention is to lie and to get away with it.
A more complex thought I have is that a neurotypical brain will naturally lean towards another neurotypical brain. No matter how good we think we are at masking, we really have no true idea how others perceive us. There will always seem to be something 'off' about us that a neurotypical can't quite put their finger on. That difference, I believe, is what tips the scale towards believing a liar instead of us.
(Yes, I have experienced this problem of not being believed since I was a small child, and in my most recent, former workplace.)
Does this make any sense?
It makes perfect sense Karen, and I know absolutely what you mean.
If only people could understand why we have to mask. It isn't for our benefit, it is for theirs. If they could accept us as we accept them, we wouldn't need to do it.
@@AdultwithAutism So true.
Now completely unrelated...I had quite an unexpected reaction to your using my name. Sorry...I should have waited before responding...maybe I should send an email...but if I don't...it's about validation. Thank you Paul. 🦋
There's a couple of unfair things in the equation of human interactions. As an autistic person I would be bullied for literally everything. Everything I did was a joke and it would be hyperanalyzed to make even more jokes about my processing. So I learned to keep things to myself. Particularly when it came to dating. People would ask me incredibly invasive questions about my personal business. They are only seeking ammunition. But not because I've decided I don't want to share any of these things that I know will make me a target I'll get branded as the deceitful one. You can't take part in this world without NT's or narcissistic people presenting you as some monster
We speak two different languages, but our language is frowned upon by a lot of people. So when we speak, we're silenced. It shouldn't happen, but I still run into it multiple times a week.
I have had experiences like that in school as a child/teen which were probably pretty traumatic. One of my biggest fears is not being believed when I’m telling the truth, and them denying or ignoring any evidence.
I am terrible at and don’t enjoy most board games which have a deception or hidden role or bluffing element.
I can try to keep a straight face and pretend I don’t have anything good or don’t know something, but I can’t lie and pretend I’m something I’m not or take an action which I know I could get called out for. If I ever do try to bluff I end up struggling to suppress giggling - I think I find the contradiction funny or maybe I just get anxious of being called out. As a general rule I won’t bother trying to bluff and sometimes end up winning as a result of people trying to call me out as bluffing and being wrong (depending on whether it is possible to win the game that way).
I also can’t tell when other people are lying and get upset when I find out that I have been lied to. So I don’t like being in situations where I have to figure out who is lying, I prefer when things can be worked out using logic.
This is the story of my life! I get nightmares about this. I can tell someone the sky is blue and they would make it as if I'm crazy or talking nonsense. I seriously have dreams like the house burning down and trying to warn everyone and no one believing me and telling me I'm lying and talking over me. I can't handle it that people mistrust me, because I try my damn best to talk honestly and what is true, because I hate blatant lying.
Yep, I know the feeling, it's horrible. Maybe some people struggle with absolute honesty, or don't like to hear how simple something can be once the nonsense is swept away? But it has had an impact for me, as I'm no longer someone who speaks first.
Hi Paul. You are no alone in being disbelieved. I don't know why it is, but it happens. Happened this morning: I recalled a conversation and the other person flat out denied every single word that was said, even though they originally said it.
What I have learned is that some people twist the truth, and the harder you defend yourself and try to be heard, the worse it is. Good for you for having evidence that you can present though, I hope it works out.
Thanks Chase.
It is tough when you can recall every word, and they deny every one of them. Make you out be a liar off of their lie...and you're the only one worked up about it! And people wonder why I am not a sociable creature!
I see this happening a lot in my life. I suspect this has to do with the lie being more believable because crafted lies have an emotional component that allows the believer to have a sense of comfort. On the opposite side, when I present truth, I do so logically and with evidence, but that *feels* cold and less comfortable. More direct. More assertive. I'm sure there must be a heavy, non-verbal, soothing aspect to successful liars as well. I also wonder if our factual evidence makes people feel defensive naturally, worried they may one day be sitting in the adversarial position and faced with our evidence gathering. Truly, we shouldn't have to gather evidence, but it's things like this that make us do so.
Someone once said to me 'never let the truth get in the way of a good story'. I hated that, and still do. But the world thrives on it. It's why I make sure my point is able to be proven, no matter how anal or boring it appears to be. The truth matters to me 👍🏼
That boss sounds like a complete and utter sociopath.
Sure was.
HI Paul, great to see you! Haven’t heard from you in a while, hint hint, nudge nudge🤣! Yes to everything you said. First we are honest! I am literally the one who said to my moms friend, “you are fat, so yes!”. I also feel the need to be trusted and I too keep evidence. I am not sure the office people mistrusting you, its people mistrusting everyone. I have so been there when you present the evidence and the same response, thanks for that. Never get the you are right and the other is lying! Sorry you and George are still under the weather. Hope you both feel better soon!
Haha! I'll get right on that. I haven't read any emails this week, took a breather! Definitely agree, people just mistrust others these days, but understandable when every country is run by untrustworthy people! If it is infected from the top, can't expect more from the bottom. Just a shame as we feel we have to justify consistently and fight against other people lying too.
It’s not just you! On multiple occasions, I was playing a group game called Avalon, which has two teams opposing each other and is basically all about whether the other players think you are lying or not. I’m such a bad liar, so I usually just tell the truth in whatever way is most helpful to my team. It wasn’t the most complex strategy, but at least I was being included in the gameplay! One of the players kept saying that she didn’t trust me, didn’t believe I was telling the truth, and so was generating all his doubt about whether I was actually helping my team or not. In the end, it didn’t matter that I was doing my best because she had already damaged everybody’s view of me. I stopped playing games with that group of people after that. It was nice to be included, but not nice to be purposefully mistrusted.
I can understand that. It reminds me of a certain someone who wanted me to be wrong, and I was purposefully mistrust, and they fed a constant stream of lies to others. So when I did speak with radical honesty, I was mistrusted because of lies others spoke. So my reputation was damaged by someone else placing seeds of doubt on others. Unfortunately, it was real life and not a game, but reminds me of the saying 'never let the truth get in the way of a good story!.
I never did understand why they always felt the need to lie about me.
yep, all my life… I was constantly accused of lying when I was a kid. It drove me crazy. And then, adulthood, still trying to prove myself. To the exclusion of being able to think straight, actually. That’s all the more reason to stop.
Have you heard of the Uncanny Valley theory?
I have now as I just Googled it 😂 👍🏻
Hey man - new to your channel love the set up!
Thanks Dan, appreciate you reaching out 👍🏻
Yes😊😊
I believe you, full stop.
And you seriously need to change your GP.
Haha, I would change my GP, but it is, unfortunately, the same for all in my area. They all share one large building and seem to all have the same impossible practice of appointments. I looked at Google reviews and they all say the same thing.
@@AdultwithAutism How about outside your area? The rules changed a few years back, so you can register with any gp even outside your area.
I didn't know that, maybe I will cast my net further afield in relation to GP practices. One that is Autism friendly would be a massive start! Thank you.
Hi Paul,have they checked your pup for pancreatitis,my dog Alf is now 5 years old and we had similar problems with him being sick a lot when he was a pup and it took about three years of taking him to the vet’s until a young veterinarian spotted it doing a blood test and working out his symptoms. My boy is now on a strict diet of chicken breast mixed with sweet potato with a bit of broccoli and carrot,it cost my wife and I a small fortune feeding him but thankfully he is a lot better and if he has a flare up it is short lived and he does not become seriously I’ll like he used to. I hope that your pup is feeling much better soon 👍
Hi Jason, they have done a lot of blood work on him, but I can certainly ask if he shows any signs of that. He is back again soon so I'll talk to the vet to rule it in or out.
There is still a bug going around my way too for dogs, and it's really difficult to see where his symptoms start for something serious, and the bug ends.
But thank you for sharing, I'll definitely pass it by them 👍🏻
I think that based on the way we interact and the lack of ability in other areas of life causes people to not believe what we are saying. I have this problem as well- possibly because of the way I word things, like if there is a possibility something is wrong I will quantify that rather than the NT wording will say this is certain. Generally I try and be as accurate as I can which can lead me to sound incorrect or uncertain because I don't say things are for certain unless they really are. (though even tism people can be wrong and when we are it is usually highlighted more probably because of our emphasis on accuracy)
I tend to not be heard these days based more around my bluntness of how I say things. I don't do Politics, in life or in work, so when there is an agenda stopping something sensible happening, I don't like thay people fudge around their true answer instead of just saying it. Because once that happens, you will never be able to reel me back in for investment. So from that point, I'm not trusted down to oddities leading up to it.
This is a head-scratcher for me, too. Not sure why people don't believe me even when I know a whole lot about something. The effect is them gaslighting me, or attempting to anyway. I rarely try to convince anyone. If I know my stuff, and I usually wouldn't talk about it unless I did, I just mentally shake my head and let them go on thinking wrong things. They are the fools and it lowers my estimation of them. I think of the Dunning Kruger effect. People who are very sure of themselves and are dead wrong. They don't know what they don't know. I used to try to convince, make a case. If it's important, I might still do that, but otherwise, not worth the aggravation. I'm not good at convincing people, though.
Listening to you made me wonder more about this and I had a new idea. When I talk about things, I don't make eye contact because I can't look and think/talk at the same time. Eye contact is seen as being honest. This is false since most con artists will look you squarely in the eye and lie blatantly. I'm unlike many other autistic people in that I easily make eye contact when listening if I'm genuinely interested and I often am. I'm a visual person so it's part of how I get info. But I cannot make eye contact when speaking unless it's a well-rehearsed small talk script, and probably can then. I'll have to pay attention next time I talk about the weather, etc. I know for sure I can't if it's anything more complex.
You're right about the eye contact. Con artists do stare at you to see if you believe their lies.
I completely agree. 😔 Your not alone. Family and strangers. I totally get it. I'm sorry.
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I bloody love Premier Inns. To the extent that I have actually bought myself a purple hardback note book in which I will one day write a list of all the premier inns I have ever stayed in. I may call it "Premier Inns that I have known".
Haha, pretty sure I've easily stayed in more than half of them
I always watch your videos twice so I can absorb the first time around and comment the second time around 😄 And hear things I no doubt missed the first time around!
Paul I'm really sorry about George 😢 You're absolutely right puppies should always be happy 💔 Is he a German Shepherd puppy? I always say animals should be exempt from illness and other bad things! George rolling on his back is him being a submissive boyo 🥰 Bless his sweet heart 💓 I'm praying for his and your health! I'm not religious but no harm has ever come from praying in desperate times 🙏
I 100000% relate to the strong need to be believed! Evidence is absolutely a godsend! There's nothing more frustrating than being treated like a liar when you know you're telling the truth!
I'm sorry you're dealing with a coworker that keeps lying about you and your gaslighting boss!!! UGH It's infuriating when people deny saying something they said right to your face! And when people don't come through on their promises! Why can't people just say what they mean and mean what they say!?
I've definitely said to myself before that I have a fear of not being believed, I can't stand the thought of people seeing me as a liar when I know I'm not. My biggest one is worrying that people think I'm lying about how difficult I find everything. I have no respect for people who lie about mental health and disability related issues, so the thought that someone could even suspect that I'm lying or exaggerating about mine is an awful feeling.
You've just perfectly explained the phase I'm going through right now, having deceived for years (tiny, harmless white lies that don't hurt anybody) purely for other's sake or for self preservation and now trying to just unmask little by little. I've had my diagnosis since I was 15 and I'm now 27, only just learning more about myself and after so many burnouts, I've no choice but to actually honour my own needs.
"If adults are still saying mommy and daddy you know they're loaded" made me laugh 🤣 As did storm Eunice and the bin lids! 😂 I'm in the UK too, thankfully no destruction by me as of yet 🤞🙈
RIGHT well I've woffled to your woffle, sorry for the length of my woffle 🙈🤣 Thank you for your content and as always Paul, I wish you and George all the absolute best of health and happiness 🙏
You watch me twice per video...you poor thing! 😄
George is a red fox Labrador. If you go to the end of video 24 - I Got A Puppy, you'll see him when he was a pup.
I understand the fear that people won't understand and think you're lying. I have had that too. People learn I was diagnosed later in life, and now I reach out for the help and assistance I am now afforded...but people think I am trying it on rather than seeing it for what it is, and that is that I have been faking. Now I don't have to, as much!
Storm Eunice only rattled my bin lids, but storm Franklin (who I didn't even hear about) went to town on my place. I was fearing each creak and crack and how much it's going to cost to fix! 😂
Waffling is always welcome, I do enough of it!
@@AdultwithAutism Haha! 🤣 I love it! You'd be surprised how liberating and validating it is to hear the thoughts of somebody else on the spectrum when you've always felt like an alien! 👽😃
Ah, my bad! I had your German Shepherd pup video in my head, still so glad you reported that guy and he got perfect karma! I'll definitely have to revisit that video, it'll be lovely to see George 🥰 I absolutely adore dogs, if it's not obvious 🤣
Exactly! That and when people say "since your diagnosis you seem more autistic", I know people have made videos about why that happens, they're so validating! It's fascinating how the brain works like that, the liberation of the diagnosis seems to immediately allow you to be more, you 🤷🏻♀️
Oh no, I haven't heard of storm Franklin either! Fingers crossed you have no damage to deal with 🤞 I said a prayer for you and George as I said I would haha, take care of yourself and your beautiful boyo 😊🐾 I look very forward to all your future videos 😁😄
I think most of us people with autism had a hard time to get over on things that are traumatic for us. So having lied for years and getting out of that system is hard to even believe in that people will believe on us because after all we lied for many years. It will take time for you to believe that people see things also and they know that you did not lied the problem is it is you who has a hard time to believe that they believe in you simply because ""us" we the people who have autistic have a hard time to get over into something in your case you have a hard time to get over that you were a liar before and now you have changed and people see that.
You are not alone! Your video is very helpful and I appreciate your insights.
Thank you 👍🏼
I always try to be a person of my word because it's something deeply embedded in my soul. Unfortunately this leads to being taken advantage of by others (coworkers, bosses, family, and friends) and it gets tiresome. It just seems like "normal" people in the world are built differently. They all live like sociopaths--lack empathy, don't feel remorse for their actions and take advantage of others for personal gain--and you have to mask like a sociopath to just fit in.
It's a common theme across a lot of us it seems.
True that about being perceived as not trustworthy for unknown reasons. I'm always regarded highly in reviews for professionalism, then somehow what comes around is colleagues seem to have a weird feeling around me. And nobody knows I'm autistic. It all makes no sense. Thanks for sharing your rants!
I totally agree with that. Having to mask was a way that we got through life the best way we could especially based on the conditions we were living under without awareness of exactly what it was. Know that we know what it is, we no longer have to abide by societal norms simply because it is not our normal. So, if people think they can’t trust us based on our past of having to mask just to be part of their lives but now we are living our truths, then those people aren’t worth having relationships with especially if we explained our reality with them.
I remember my dad asking me, when I was around 9, are you doing this just to make us mad?!?!
He was exacerbated. I don't even remember what I was doing.
I was SO insulted. My parents weren't bad parents.
But I was so broadsided that he would even ask, I thought, no, but maybe I'll start!
What an odd thing to say! Why would you want to draw the ire of parents as a kid!
@@AdultwithAutism right?! I assume he was just exasperated...
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You're so refreshing to be an open Manc
Thank you and I support you from here on
X
Much appreciated 👍🏼
Great stuff mate
Many thanks 👍🏻
As I've gotten into my 30s I've really started to notice the distrust thing, and I'm pretty sure it has to do with NT's being unable to read our behaviors and it comes across as trying to hide something or having a sense of guilt
The amount of disbelief I encounter when there’s a misunderstanding- the “arguing” when not I believe is connected- how I am currently understanding/dealing with it is that’s because we can agree with other people about our objective reality -this apple is an apple- but we don’t share the same subjective reality -it’s mildly sweet and good for you vs it’s intensely tart and horribly mushy- with neurotypicals. Subjective reality when challlenged is fearful and can cause a cognitive dissonance. People will try to destroy, correct or banish something that challenges what they believe is their shared reality like that. Because 98% of people will behave sometimes very differently in those situations and you’re not doing what you expect therefore they don’t think they can trust you. It really sucks I don’t see an easy way to explain it to people
I love Premier Inn. They’re so simple, and to the point. And their beds are amazing
Yep, that's why I like them. You know what you're getting. But some of the beds are to be desired in some of the ropier places! 👍🏻
Guess I’ve been lucky. They’ve all been the same for me
Ive come to see the world loves lies and liars. There is nothing more gut-wrenching of the indignity of not being believed. I am there with you about always feeling you need proof and backup to prove you are being truthful. When i got bullied and overworked in my last job i outperformed anyone in that job and i was treated like garbage. I went on medical leave and found a fantastic attorney who did worker's compensation but also specialized in psychiatric. I was diagnosed with all the comorbidities like CPTSD and ibs that come with autism. At that time i was with a therapist who didn't think i was Autistic and never got tested. Well my attorney believed everything i went through.. it was so difficult telling my story as i was still masking and didnt know what that was. I got sexually harrassed by another woman at my current job and had a talk with my old attorney (she doesn't do employment law) and she said to me "i believe you" and just hearing that Paul makes a world of a difference. Ita so painful the things people do to cover up the truth so they dont have to look in the mirror and take responsibility and accountability for their actions. This is why people love lies and hate the truth.
I agree with you there. Being told you're believed is a huge feeling. I'm currently going through not being believed due to not feeling lonely. I share so many personal details, lows, burnouts etc...yet I'm not believed as I don't suffer loneliness. Its horrible to hear when people discount your mindset in favour of theirs over you.
@@AdultwithAutism sorry I hope I understood what you said... so someone is telling you that your lonely and they dont believe you when you say are not!? Or are you feeling lonely and this person didn't believe you? Sorry I want to respond in support the right way but I am confused which one it is. It's been a rough since last week and I've had multiple meltdowns.
People don't believe me that I don't get lonely. For some reason, me saying it annoys people. I am not after annoying anyone, but it is also the truth...but people don't buy it. It's very strange.
I still say mommy and daddy cause I never felt right changing what I called them. I'm not "loaded".
Fair enough 👍🏻
I believe we never forgive ourselves for the lies that helped us fit in.
I still feel I do not fit in and never will. And it could be because of the bullying and verbal abuse because I am different. I would tell someone that I believe them. Most people don't say it.
i definitely relate. it's a thing yes.
I lie only to protect myself it 😢 it took me 30 years to learn and i developed serious nental illness before i learned it was necessary. I've yet to do it for personal gain. I used to think it was normal to inform ur therapist or doctor when ur thinking of self harm, don't admit to a cop when u were speeding or having more weed then he found on u or u that yes was stealing cuz was starving, or admit when having trouble processing certain input that took me so long to learn, if u admit to a weakness they will use it to hurt you if they feel so much as slighted even if its something that doesn't effect them like coming out as part of the lgbtq community even if it was only omitted cuz you urself didnt know.
Socialization needs a fukin manual
That's the problem with vulnerability. You have those who want to make sure you are protected, and everyone else seeing it as an opportunity to exploit it...and those wanting to protect it are a rare find 👍🏻
I don't think it's related to autism, everyone has to extort things from the management that they promised to provide.
I have a counter question, in the work team people like to redirect other people to me, instead of answering the question themselves... ask Victor, he knows. Is this a sign of autism? I don't find myself smarter than others, on the contrary, I often doubt my competence, but still many people think you are the smartest, or just know that I won't refuse if I have some strength and capabilities left at the moment...
I love helping people, but you end up one of the few doing it. To the point that you start hating yourself for it. I probably wouldn't have such a problem if people didn't trust me
I am the same, I enjoy helping others. It is also a good feeling when people come to ask advice too even in a workplace. Maybe people come to us because once we know the right way of doing it, we do it that way every time we need to do it. So we create a consistent approach. Other people vary how they work, I know I don't. I have my way of working that I find very practical and that is the way I encourage others to do so if they want to do it as efficiently as possible.
Might be the reason for me, who knows!
😢 I am so sorry to hear about your dog. Dogs suffer from human disease’s because sadly the food we feed them is full of sugar & chemicals or foods that aren’t suited to their species.
Dogs are only supposed to eat a raw meat diet and when fed biscuits or other chemical filled foods eventually it will make them sick. I really hope you are able to consider looking into carnivore diet for your dog for your dogs sake.
Dogs are Carnivores and feeding them sugar or vegetables will make them sick because they are not meant to consume that in their natural state.
Raw - fish , chicken, beef are nutrient dense foods that your dog will thrive on. Sadly we are all brainwashed to buy the processed pet foods from the supermarkets thinking it’s best but it’s causing harm.
All the best thank you very much for your content.
Have a good day 🙏
Unfortunately my dog has a GI issue that makes him vomit on raw meats. He is fed a vet approved dry food. There isn't another option for him. He's got a limited range to eat because of his reactions. Otherwise, he'd be on raw 👍🏻
I find you quite commical, i dont mean im laughing at you, i find you to be a funny person, particularly this video 😊😊😊😅😂
I cannot lie as well as a 2 year old. I gave up trying by age 10. I cannot be deemed honest even on a lie detector, i was told i lied. I have aphantasia, no imagination, no inner dialog or mind-eye .........which I'm punished for, but also those neuroprivilages are imputed to justify punishment as well. I can't play along or even detect these common mind tricks tho i am attacked either way. Some autistics are the greatest actors and liars which commentors deny with the chronic attribution of anything to 'autistics' as some monolithic whole.
As Autism is seen as a 'disability', some people just won't recognise the power in our strengths unfortunately 👍🏻
Your old boss kind of sounds like a narsasist
It's not just you...
Look me in the eyes or are you lying to me?
A room with 19 people in a blue dress and one person in a red dress. How stole the keys?
You don’t have to answer every comment. You owe the commenters nothing.
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Haha, I only respond during absolute free time these days. I have taken the pressure off trying to respond to everyone as soon as I can!
It’s definitely not just you.