Oh my God apparently they get worst with âge. I feel so sorry for my daughter that I fell in her narc father's trap 😢 a life long torture 😮 that's so sad 🙏 how could she avoid any more struggle with him ? Any advices for a 15 years old ?
it does get worse when they age. i am now at an impasse with them and am considering in sending both arc parents to the home for the aged. it will probably be better for all of us. i don't talk to them thsough they live in my house.
@@James-Johnson313She was most likely talking about her own personal experience. Believe it or not, everything on the internet doesn't have to be specifically relatable to you.
My father never changed. He has always been psychologically abusive. At the age of 94 he still plays to shame and belittle his children. I had to reframe who he is. Had to see him as a distant relative or a visitor. A father just doesn’t treat you that way.
Dad's in his 80s, his flying monkey girlfriend said to me(her opinion was unasked for) "He's always been this way, he won't change" He's mostly arrogant, that he can waste my time and not be called on. Even if I call him on it, he is dismissive, controlling, sarcastic. He's pathetic, she's not any better. Strangers treat me better, he nitpicks at me. I've had more than enough of his b.s.
My father was a West Point graduate and a narcissist (diagnosed by a therapist). He was physically strong, incredibly intelligent and a rager. It was impossible for me as his daughter. He was my boss. I had a terrible upbringing with him and I am still recovering to this day and I’m almost 65.
Both of my parents are/were narcissists. I'm the scapegoat. I'm my mother's primary caregiver to this day. My father died 20 years ago and people were, and still are, shocked when they hear I was relieved when he died.
My adoptive dad died nearly three years ago and I’m relieved, too! I still feel pissed off at him sometimes but our lives have much less random and unnecessary chaos in them, now. I mean, he did help me with some things, too, so wasn’t 100% terrible, but I don’t miss him or his parents at all.
I don’t blame you one bit, I’m in the same boat. My mother, a total very abusive narcissist insists that she will outlive me. Lucky me. My father disowned me for calling him out for insulting me in front of my narc sister in law.
1. He made/makes fun of you. 2. He only compliments you in public. 3. He explodes with anger if you show any weakness in public. 4. He only calls you to brag about himself. 5. He uses love bombing to win affection. No gifts come without strings attached, even if it’s garbage. 6. He belittles you in front of your partner or children. 7. He finds reasons to avoid attending events that focus on another’s success. 8. He cannot take constructive feedback.
Add to that will almost always ruin special occasions, make up lies to get your attention on your birthday and start arguments with others at your birthday.. makes me dread having a birthday
my whole family are narcissistic , my dad is a complete drainer of youth and enthusiasm. both my parents like to be king dick and king vag and I believe a lot of this psychic driving and witchcraft and nlp and bad counsellors are deliberately wrecking families. stealing their kids loves. my sister and brother are the same as well. my dad was put out that a guy my own age would like me , he expected them to be all over him and my parents seem to not like me being loved or having a boyfriend when normal parents would want their kids happily married and so on and I met therapists like this who aid the bully. I think they are jealous of me to find my own loves and talents and money and work skills. when I go places with my mum to support her she takes over and every one notices her needs and not mine. and my dad is very much the same and like a gay bully. he gives to other peoples kids what I need . they steal my clothes and business and want my furniture and house and lie about me. My dad is a crazy person who steals youth on his kids. ITs like he sucks of the weakest or most caring in the family. all his friends are assholes as well. They appear to control with mostly mocking or anger and selfishness and creating jealousy slurs and games that appear to be induced by demonic states and cia like crap. Its like they are jealous of youth and womanhood and jealous of you experiencing love and sex with people your own age. this is how you create a queer and shut down person. and as parents age they can play evil games like out of body talk that would belong to another person and generation and culture. they play sneaky weird games as well. and I hate this husbandizing of the kids matter their gender. and people who want to suck up to them for sex advancement with prettier richer young whores or men or jobs etc, its like they are sucking the life out of you vicariously. I seen a little bitch recently trying to do this with my mother and she started on my dad and my dad was stealing men on me for a long time for turds sluts or for himself. these bad therapists like bringing out the bad and ego in awful people don't think about how its damaging lives. then they want to drop as well and most of them are spastic people who need a kick up the ass. they seem wired in to scams.
What is extremely difficult to deal with is when the narcissistic parent appropriates and hoards or spend resources all on themselves at the expense of the children's very real needs. And to add insult to injury, the narcissist lies about it to everyone.
Yep, I was severely medically neglected as he told me we were struggling with money while he constantly spent money on unnecessary expensive luxuries like wine tours and international vacations
Sometimes they uae the kid as wish fulfillment. Women are slightly more likely to be narcissistic these days it seems. Slightly. That means it isn't a gender or 5€×-linked trait.
What hurt me most as a teen was seeing my father belittling my mom and not being able to do anything about it. She told me not to intervene because otherwise he would accuse her of bringing me up against him.
Growing up with a narcissistic father, being the scapegoat, and then working through all the dysregulation involved, I can tell you... it's a long journey and you'll always have to be mindful, but it's 100% possible to be free of the pain and confusion. Dr. Fox is an incredible man and a blessing to the world
To my dad it was no joke, he literally believed his whole family was stupid and that he was the only one smart. Narcissistic people think that the help they got, they deserved it. They are fighting their own weaknesses inside, by attacking people with similar weakness. Narcissism is actually denial of inadequacy, fear, pain, becoming callus to oneself, then expecting it of others. They turn their trauma into a weapon against their weakness, by using it to attack others.
It's true that narcissism often stems from deep-seated insecurities. It's a complex issue, and understanding it can be a significant step toward healing and growth.
Man did you ever hit the nail on the head when you said “The sooner you can recognize it and create insulation from it the better.” The moment your videos helped me see I have a narcissistic father, was the moment I began to heal.
As a son who ended up gay (47) with a dad who is was a blue collar, scary, biker General Motors production line worker in the gritty rust belt city of Flint, Michigan (now 73) I can say he’s changed some, his edges have been rounded off some after decades of becoming worn down by age and the losses that come with over 7 decades of life. He still has that superficial charm that the outside public loves, and eats up right out of his hand, while those who never experienced who he was behind closed doors, have zero clue about, and would be appalled if they ever saw. As a kid, so many traits this video talks about were spot on, and worse. There was nobody ever who destroyed my sense of self-worth, and permanently made sure I’d live my entire life without experiencing what it feels like to have self-love and confidence. I still struggle every day as a near 50 year old man with believing I have any redeeming qualities, or anything to offer that others desire enough to make me anything other than utterly unremarkable and easily disposable. You had two options with my dad growing up- best case scenario was to remain invisible to him, where you’d be utterly ignored, you were just background noise that required occasional feeding, never getting any validation, love, or inclusion into his time or life- and the other alternative, which you DID NOT want- was when you made the mistake of forcing him to acknowledge your existence, via needing some form of correction or guidance- and that situation was where the rage came out, and you’d become a punching bag, both literally, and the worst- emotionally and psychologically. As an adult, that’s no longer the case of course- he is now mostly alone, and while he will not discuss or acknowledge he ever did anything wrong, he is now kind and jovial toward me, as he knows deep down I am one of very few social contacts he has left, and he’s very careful not to show the true nature of who he really is, as I’ve made clear I won’t tolerate it, and it will be the end of any hope he has of redeeming whatever time we have left. One big thing hasn’t changed, though- he still gains glee from watching me struggle from adverse life situations that he could easily provide resources it takes for me to easily overcome those struggles, and there’s an obvious sadness in him when I’m better at, or more successful at doing literally any task than he is. He becomes mute, and listens (if being told how something went) or observes in silence with a grimace on his face, thinly and poorly disguised as a grin. It really is pathetic to watch a man in his 70’s be humiliated that his son is better at some random task than he is, it’s as if he’s locked into the mentality of a grade school child who is terrified of being one-upped by a peer on the playground. I’ll never have the experience of what it’s like to have a NORMAL father- who is PROUD and ENCOURAGES their child when the accel and exceed their own talents.
Your discription is spot on about how arrested their development is. But one needs to grieve away this love and hope for the idealistic father who one never had, in order to move on. I hope your life gets easier with the healing journey. 🙏💕 look up Patrick Teahan too he has some amazing resources too.
My dad is a narcissist in his 90's now and his favorite narcissist thing to say is!? The best revenge is out living everyone! I laugh at that because his kids won't even speak to him!
Thanks for all your insight! I'm a guy, 67,single, grew up in a narcissistic household in New England. Always told to "keep your mouth shut". Never had a conversation with my parents. Never heard I love you or Merry Christmas. My mom always called me an idiot! Briefly, I had many odd jobs as a kid and saved my money, when I was accepted into college I called my mom at work to tell her, she said "your not going, you have no money" well I did have the money and I went. From that point I started to grow and get further away from them. I then went to college in NYC, at graduation my parents came and afterwards in the lobby of Alice Tully Hall at Lincoln Center she started yelling at me " why couldn't you wear nice pants and nice shoes", I said I don't have nice pants and nice shoes, I had to spend what money I had on books for my classes. It was my moment to shine she ruined it. I started walking away and they followed me for a few blocks, no dinner not even a card, I called them a cab and they went to their hotel and took the subway to my apt. They never sent me a dime while I was in college. I have 2 degrees, written up in the NY times and many major magazines. I look back and feel that they wanted me to fail so I'd return home but I never did. Years later I got jumped one night walking home in NY from my job and got a black eye, when I told my dad on the phone he laughed! Those days are long gone!
When I told my dad I was getting a divorce on the phone he laughed the hardest laugh I ever heard and then he said. Hell I could of told that was gonna happen! What are you going to do now you cant come live with me because I don't want you ruining my living situation. My 100M dollar brother had just bought him a home to die in and he thought my divorce was going to affect that!lol the mind of a narcissist! I cut him out after that!
Had a narcissistic father with some sociopathic traits. This Is right on. What I've never heard before is your statement that their abuse is not about you but are about them and their fears. One of the most helpful things I've ever heard.
My father loved dressing up and parading me around in front of his friends. He would buy me an expensive gift after a big fight. I had to remove him from my life when I became so angry with him that I wanted to hurt him in the worst way possible.
What I noticed were very long lectures if you disagreed with him and lectures that went to extreme levels. What I concluded was this was a form of dominance gained by virtue of being an authority figure with power.
When my father was in an assisted living residence and nearing the end I sat with him, held his hands, looked him in the eyes, and told him I forgave him, that he had done the best he could with what he had. Not sure he really understood that this was a formal absolution but it didn’t matter because it was more about me letting go
I not only had a narcissistic father, his behavior "bled out" on my older brother, too. Like father, like son in the worst way! He was "daddy's boy", who could do no wrong, absolute hell for my younger brother and I. Dad passed away 12 years ago, and my older brother is still a pain in the @$$. He's a scrawny runt, he changed his attitude real quick when he met my husband, a 6ft.3,180lb biker with a hardcore "Don't gimme no sh-t" attitude. No threats, but very intimidating. Big brother is a LOT less mouthy, which is fine with me!
There is not enough discussion around emotionally abusive fathers. A father doesn't have to be absent to mess you up. A father can be plenty damaging when they are around.
My mom's health failed first, and one of the few compliments he ever gave me was what a good job I was doing taking care of my mom. He has spent decades trying to create situations where I would turn into the caretaker of him (I'm the only daughter) but I refuse. He has the money to pay for the care he needs and I get entirely too stressed out being around him.
The more you work on healing it the easier it gets. My dad died two years ago and I was glad that I had spent 20 years grieving and healing the absence of a father so his death was not a loss for me.
I'm grieving for the father I never had. He abandoned us when I was a baby. My mother reintroduced him to me when I turned 14 but I have never had that connection I wish I could have had because he has no clue who I am and doesn't even try to get to know me. He belittled me and criticized me when I totaled my car instead of asking if I was okay. He doesn't want to get help with his trauma so I guess he's just "waiting to die".
My dad is jealous of all of my accomplishments. Never once got a “great job son” Always criticism. If he does call me now it is to talk about his life…if the conversation switches for my turn to talk “oh I have a call coming in I have to go” This guy tries to take credit for anything I’ve done when people compliment me to him…he sounds ridiculous…it’s embarrassing the looks some of these people give me when he talks like that.
@@graphicpipThat is next level f'ed up. I'm sorry he treated you that way and said such disgusting things. My father would also share very inappropriate details of his personal life with me when I was still very young. Trauma dumping and crying on my shoulder when my mom left us. When even my own emotional pain was almost too much, he dumped his pain on top of that. And also convienently forgot that my mom left because of his awful behaviour.
My ex would only go to our kids' events when his family or associates were there to watch him be a proud father. If there was no audience, he would either act put out and bothered or he just wouldn't show up at all.
This is priceless 🎉 my dad only goes any where he can get an audience of people he knows to do with him to play the part … and relentlessly take the piss and put me down with “humor “ at my expense . Bit of a sad wanker really
Oh man. I am a military vet. When I got back home, amd make no mistake, my service was tough - I thought that nothing and no one ever would have been able to make me cry, to make me uncomfortable, to make me afraid again... Of course, it was stupid, because PTSD was right behind the corner, and I was later diagnosed with a panic disorder with derealization episodes, and later yet with anxiety and depression. However, my dad literally managed to make me cry with a few words he said during the first week of me being back home. Unbelievable... Eventually, my Mom divorced him, and I cut all ties. Years later, he has found me and apologized. I appreciated it, but I notice that sometimes I behave just like him, hurting (emotionally) people I love most. And this is, honestly, the worst thing about it. I have always thought that I would never be like my Dad. I don't want it, I do not want to hurt anyone, especially people who love me. My therapist keeps saying that I am not a narc, and that these behaviors are just my learned reaponses to certain situations, and I can address these issues and fix them. I am eager to do it so much.
My father hated Holidays and giving gifts when he felt he "had" to. Instead, he'd randomly give me gifts whenever he saw fit. He said it was more "special" that way, but really it was used as a manipulation tactic since he made holidays and most days absolutely miserable. Then during the day if I acted up he'd threaten to take away or throw away the gift... Imagine telling a six year old, "This is why I never do anything nice for you!"
I remember being grammar school age, and any compassionate parent would understand how little ones can be overly stimulated due to being tired, well, my ignorant dad kept threatening to, “give me something to cry for,” because I was tired and had fallen asleep in the car coming home and started crying while waking up. I didn’t know why I was crying. Even now I can see and hear his threatenings. He’s now dead and ✌🏽 bye! 😂
Every time my small daughter would whine or cry because she was sleepy, the narc father would/wanted to hit her. She was two. I left. Sorry you have to have those memories. Love the emojis though 😄
I love you doc and your explanations are so perfectly worded. "Insulation" takes lots n lots of self talk, self love, parenting yourself when deep inside you the child in you is craving for your parent's approval, presence and unconditional love. That is a true healing process.
Narcissistic fathers and mothers both need to be held accountable. The problem is that narcissistic fathers can do whatever they want to you. What if they shout at you ? They’ll keep doing it. What if they abuse and mistreat you? They’ll keep doing it. What if you try to get help? Nobody supports you because everyone enables the narcissistic father. There’s an expectation that we’re just supposed to be our narcissistic father’s “garbage collector” of their ego, superiority, mistreatment, abuse, blame, shouting, etc. Society enables narcissistic parents and narcissistic bullies. I estranged from my parents because it was the best I could do, but I have no support structure. I’ve been estranged for 7 years, but still everyone will sympathize with my narcissistic parents as if I’m the bad guy. Once a scapegoat, always a scapegoat. There should be more concrete ways to hold narcissistic parents accountable for their actions.
I agree. There are no consequences for narcs. People will say, he's your father, he is family, don't think so much, forgive him. Society don't want to deal with narcs and their tempers. Well.. but a lot of mental issues in this world are created by narcs and their poor parenting. They should not have access to vulnerable people at all.
I never got gifts from him, it was always something he found from his hoarding issue. As an adult I told him I was planning on buying him a Christmas present and I would appreciate it/it would mean a lot if he did the same for me. I tried to get out of it by talking about his convenient chronic illness, but I didn't let him get away with it. He kept asking family what he should get me, but didn't end up picking anything up. He ended up getting me cash in a card, using the wrapping paper I had used for my present to him. This was when I was just figuring out all of the stuff about my family. It felt very surreal at the time, but my life started to make a lot of sense.
I get gifts, but he nitpicks at me, he ruined my last two birthdays, he's a jerk! He was late, ignoring my boundaries: ignoring that my time/life is valuable. No contact with him since Easter. I almost called him for Father's Day, but he wasn't home, he has a a snarky outgoing message. I didn't bother. The result would have hurt me even if it was good. I called him twice last year, he didn't acknowledge him. I'm done with his narcissism!
I didn't understand this about my dad until recently, and I am 55. Unfortunately, it has led me to tolerate bad behavior in my past relationships, blame myself and overcompensate to get the love that I desired. I never heard my dad tell me that he loved me nor has he ever given me a hug. I love my dad, but this is just the way he is and I have come to terms with it and have accepted that this is our relationship. I feel like I had my mourning period with it and I can begin to heal and move forward.
The sad thing is how after years of belittling, gaslighting by the narc, the only sane parent you had automatically and quickly without evidence will take the side of the narc parent and attack you - because this is what she has been conditioned to think and feel and protect herself from drama and tirades. However it makes the narc continue to think they are never wrong. I struggle with deep disappointment in my mother.
Dr. Fox, I so bless the day I stumbled upon your first video. Watching this video was the ultimate in validation. I’ve been working on myself for a while, so I had to laugh. This. Is. My. Dad. To a T. And while I will always grieve the time lost to the mental issues I developed in childhood, I will also forever be grateful for learning about toxic behaviors, how they affect you, and how to move past them. It has given me a chance at life at last, and I am very grateful. Thank you.
That's so interesting in the chat reply talking about celebrating birthdays. Typically, in our family, birthdays are not celebrated as much as they are destroyed. There have been a number of ways. Staying out all night and not coming back until that late afternoon of the birthday. Acting butt hurt about the restaurant or movie the birthday person has chosen. His daughter caught him texting another woman, seeing him type, "I love you." on her birthday. He's got a million of them. Thank you for this program today. Very informational and enlightening.
Didn't read comments below yet, but much of what you said really resonated w/ me. Belittling an adult child in public when people are mingling together is bad, BUT what is worse when it's written on social media like FaceBook. SAD and pathetic beyond belief. Of course, the response is "It's a joke! Can't you take a joke?!" It's not a joke and IF turned around on them, they would be so upset. Shut down. Hold a grudge FOREVER. If I could cut people out of my life, I would. Instead, I just do "gray rock" and limit my time in their presence as much as I possibly can. I don't respond to emails or texts even though person keeps trying to "hoover" me as this person clearly knows I'm distancing myself. So far I'm doing fantastic and am feeling the power of controlling my reaction and not providing narc supply for them. I liked what you said about "eating" toward the end. Getting attention or a reaction is like food for survival. Thanks Dr. Fox for a fantastic video w/ lots of great info!
My husband hasn't been to any family trip, holiday, daughters school events since January2023... NOTHING at all. He is somehow always SO TIRED... Has a migraine... it is wild how he is "always" sick but only during the event. Once my daughter and I get back home he is somehow cured😮💔
My father didn't want the responsibility of a family so i didn't meet him until I was 14. He never got help for his chronic depression and trauma from his childhood so i have never had any kind of connection with him because he keeps everyone at a distance, doesn't trust anyone, and in another way he has done the same thing his Dad did to him (abandoned him in the car for hours while his dad was drinking in a bar) so he never had the capacity to love me or connect with me on a father/son level. He's 75 and I'll never have the father I really needed. And my mom has narcissistic traits so she was totally incapable of being a mother. I don't know why people with mental illness have kids. I'm still recovering from the emotional abuse at 38 yrs old but I'm so thankful for my wife who is my biggest support and helped me see how toxic those relationships were.
You're so welcome and thank you for your kind support of the channel. It means a lot when people help support the cause of putting out honest and research based information. Thank you and be well.
My father was ashamed of me because I gained weight at age 17. We both had a showing at a gallery for our paintings. People liked mine more than his. At age 16; and since then an am now 55; I’ve been punished for it. I’ve been completely disowned now. Reason for being disowned is for calling him out on the fact that he kept telling me I’m stupid in front of my narcissistic sister in law; whom he loves so much because she is naturally thin. I’m not fat either, but I have to watch it; because it adds on quickly for me. I packed my suitcase and went to a hotel because he refused to acknowledge that this was uncalled for. So I was blamed for ruining the family gathering. I asked him; why would you need a stupid person at your vacation anyway? To this day, eight years later; my sister in law also accuses stupid me for ruining the holiday. I didn’t shout, I didn’t argue, I just departed and told him the reason why calmly, quietly and politely. I’m always the one who gets blamed. He emails my brother constantly with videos about narcissistic sons. He didn’t go to either one of our graduations. Nor our weddings, and didn’t even bother to acknowledge our children. But when he needs us to be present at important events of his; to show off his well adjusted children.
My father possibly buying me a gift is laughable. I am expected to buy him something and call him. This year I talked to him the day before my birthday. I reminded him that the next day was my birthday (I am 62)! He doesn’t remember and not because of old age or anything. He wants to hurt me. He told me to “have a happy birthday if he didn’t talk to me tomorrow. I stupidly expected him to call me. No, I had to call him for him to wish me a happy birthday. I know that sounds petty but 62 years of this kind of behavior starts to get to you.
It sounds like you’ve been through a lot with your father. It’s understandable to feel hurt after so many years. Remember, you deserve to be celebrated on your special day!
All these points are my whole childhood with my father, though he's gotten better as he's gotten older and it doesn't affect me as much anymore because I can identify whenever he's trying to gaslight or he's having a narcissistic moment. He had a very troublesome childhood with completely crazy parents and he's not a bad man but the damage to me still happened. Thank you for your videos, these last few ones have been very pertinent to me. I'm tired of being like this, I was going to either find a therapist or get your workbook. Think I'll try the workbook first.
Thank you for sharing your experiences. I would like to add my own thoughts on this. I often fall into the trap of trying to be gracious with my dad’s narcissistic behavior and validate that he’s not a bad person. But how would one define a “bad” person if one exists? I believe that bad people are carved from childhood experience that they havent grown from. Is it their fault? Maybe not. But im going to call it for what it is. THEY ARE BAD PEOPLE
@@hunterharris637 My grandmother was damaged by circumstances beyond her control, and took her resentment out on her children. My father took his damage out on me. He wouldn't have done that if he'd had the tiniest bit more awareness and willpower. His behaviour was evil. The kindest thing I can say about him is that he was weak. A week 4yo in a man's body.
I was always a daddy’s girl growing up, and it took me 23 years to realize he was the narcissist. I feel he really messed me up because he would act like I was the perfect daughter since I was the only one that admired him so much, even until college. He painted my mom to be an evil person that hated me, so I hated her. As soon as I became a woman though, he changed. He became more misogynistic towards me, and made me feel weak. Then he had a whole new family, which he knew was my biggest fear, and shut my sister and me out. Cutting him off was the absolute last resort, but the last thing he told me was that he was busy with his new family, to even have a relationship of just communication with us. What’s weird is he only had daughters until 2022, now he has one son. Since then, he’s been so weird about it. Last year during Christmas we saw peacocks and he said “the male peacocks are so much prettier than the woman peacocks. Just like humans, guys don’t realize how much more pretty they are compared to girls.” Hmmm what?🤔
@@Lehanii I can see how people would make it out to be the daughter who is the issue, but it was our parents responsibility to bring us up. In most cases (not all, but many) if we have those issues, it’s because there was something missing or wrong in our upbringing and we’re either subconsciously repeating the trauma or somehow looking to fix it, usually with wonky tools and no instruction manual.
When you have father issues mother issues tend to come as well because it's like she or he enabled the abuse from the other parents. But both parents seem to be abusive more than one reading everyone's comments
I myself have BPD and I recognise my dad to have NPD. Apart from the emotional abuse I suffered I also see the resemblances between NPD and BPD. First of all I want to make clear having a personality disorder is not an excuse to treat other people badly. When a person delutes himself he's entitled to do so he might get away with it for many years, but eventually the damage towards himself will become even more severe. I agree when you are a victim of narcissistic abuse by anyone you need to care of yourself and don't sacrifice yourself for the wellbeing of the person who abused you. The damage has already been done: make use of the freedom to lead your own life and only let people into your life who can be a support for you. On the other hand it's too easy to judge a narcissist as an evil person. When you have a narcissistic father like I have, you probably can see signs about some difficulties in his childhood as well. Narcissists often grew up being spoilt, which in fact is a form of abuse. Children need to learn dealing with losing and disappointment and also need to learn to share with others. If they don't they cannot emotionally connect with others to built up friendships. A narcissist can only connect with other people with manipulation. In their vision it's like "When you do what I want you to do, you are my friend." "When you disagree with me or you do anything which makes me question my superiority, you're my enemy!" At the same time narcissists can be so desperate in their need for approval they can also be very demanding towards themselves and they can bring themselves in very humiliating situations. I think it's important to realise they have trapped themselves within a very destructive behavior pattern instead of they are born evil.
Because of men who never showed me the love know I deserved I chose to stay single and raising my kids alone and encourage them to grow into the adult they want to be
Big help. Huge help. GIANT help. Many thanks. I got so much out of each and every word of your video (which I'm going to watch over and over). It's as if you were watching me grow up with an Olympian-class narcissistic father. So surprising, so comforting to realize I have positive attributes. You're a hero, Dr. Fox.
my dad only ever called me to remind me of how much of a burden I was to him and complain about my brother and mother. He told the same stories over and over again for years. Literally over 20 years. Always making himself a martyr. he only contaced me to make sure I knew how much I "hurt" him. this guy who always yelled and hit and bitched. No more will I ever put up with that shit.
Sounds like my dad! He even came up with a dollar amount on what each kid cost him (not a realistic amount but something he probably saw on the news or something).
I can't tell if my father were a narcisist because he had only one word and this remained in every situation.This were a sign he wasn't a narcisist.The manipulation started from my mother.Her words and actions are changing always for her own gain
I learned how to criticize myself and make fun of each other from my Dad. My mother (who has a lot of narc traits herself) absolutely hated it. It became a running joke between us who could be more insulting.
My father is 81 and til this day he can never have a sensible conversation, it always consists of him playing mind games and controlling the conversation. I believe he didn't teach me how to be a strong man growing up because he didn't want me to turn out to be more of a man then him He expected me to be something he was suppose to teach me but never did
I looked my narrc father in the eyes in my mid 30s and told him "i forgive you" A few year later he was back to his usual BS. Insults disguised as compliments, etreme emotional manipulation attempts, even threatening suicide. I justvtold him "goodbye" deleted him from my phone and life. I dont got time for his nonsense. I tried.
That's a control tactic...I cried on my birthday last year because he said something shitty..I wont let him manipulate me ever again...its nothing to do with weight it could be you hair, life, boyfriends etc...he just attacked your weakness.. your dad is a pervert to boot, btw, for what he said to you as it's objectifying his daughters body 🤢 🤮
My sister went bullimic in late teens (became a skeleton) because fat people were loathed by my father, an easy target for him to put down and feel good about himself, and he would comment on my sister's weight (my sister was literally average weight with the slightest curves). She became obsessed with her weight. She was the golden child too. Narcs parents are disgustjng humans.
Hey, 8 out of 8... Jackpot. 😖 I quit contact many years ago and he still is complaining to my mom (they are divorced) about me treating him like a criminal or even worse. Always trying to suck me back into his sick system. No way.
Good for you 20 F here, just realizing the abuse from my parents and I’m fixing to move out!!! Their abuse has left me feeling depressed and out of my damn mind. 😢 The future is bright for us, just keep healing ❤
Hi Dr. Fox . . . oh my, you know my daughter's "X" perfectly. Very difficult with them having children 5, 4, & 2 years old. Daughter trying so hard to protect children best she can. Take care.
At 14 my dad sat me down for half an hour explaining in detail that it would be best if I killed myself. I'm almost 54 now and it still affects me. Nasty jokes: 'he was a planned baby', 'how did we create such a weak child', 'I look like a girl'. I was humiliated and ridiculed in front of others and my character purposely destroyed before I met anyone. I worked through it my whole life. There's no getting over it. It haunts me.
My narcissistic father told me to F off after I finally set boundaries. He ultimately xpst me my relationship with my kids mum. I'm 31 I was robbed blind and had all my time stolen by the man
I'm so sorry to hear about the difficult situation you're facing. It can be incredibly challenging to set boundaries with toxic family members, especially when it affects your relationships with loved ones. Stay strong and remember that you deserve happiness and peace.
i’ll never forget 1 day before my 17th birthday when my dad slapped me and called me into his home office and made ME APOLOGIZE for HIM slapping me. He thinks i forgot, but i will never forget it.
I remember i was only maybe 5 and I said something in public which i don't remember it must have shown some weakness or something and he started to crush my hand so tightly because i was holding his hand. I remember being in so much pain in my hand but I couldn't do anything because it looked normal father and daughter holding hands. So traumatising
Can you discuss bipolar, highly sensitive people who grew up with a narcissistic father? That’s me. Unfortunately, I ended up marrying a narcissist (16 yrs) and marrying another (23 yrs) who had those traits. I finally divorced #1; #2 divorced me. I’m still staring down feelings of deeply-seated abandonment & trauma. If I could understand a bit more of how my childhood affected me, I’m hoping it may be easier to heal. ~ thank you.
I'm concerned that my boyfriend is a narcissist and that I'm subjecting my children to the narcissistic abuse I dealt with from my mother. He's classically authoritarian which is... less than ideal, but not the end of the world. But he's overly critical and seems to REACH for an opportunity to correct or criticize the kids. So when they are not doing anything obviously wrong he gives unnecessary correction, criticism or makes extraneous demands.I really didn't suspect narcissism until i called him out for basically picking a fight over an imagined problem and he was ready to die on that hill rather than consider the possibility that his behavior was inappropriate.... Do i just throw the whole relationship away?
I would leave, he’s likely only going to get worse if he can’t even admit when he might be wrong. My last boyfriend wasn’t a narc as far as I can tell, but he did seem to insist on being right most of the time, or would offer unsolicited opinions that contradicted mine. That’s nothing to do with why I split from him but I sure don’t miss it!
Throw it away. My ex used to do that to my autistic son and after getting my son in a melt down state, punishing him (or trying to.... I wouldn't allow it if I were there.) He would do this to try to control me if I didn't do what he wanted me to (Like take a second mortgage on the house so he could have a fishing boat or a camper when we were barely making ends meet.) Your kids, not being his kids, are in danger physically and they are already being damaged emotionally. I feel for you, I hope you are able to care for the kids without him.
Sooo my step father is screwed, I am a Psychopath... Now I get it why he's always mad around me, I can't be controlled. To make it worse for him, when he tries to control me, I do my best to embarrass him in public😂
My FIL set about telling all the doctors caring for my dieing MIL that "all his kids are registered geniuses" They all, with the exception of the oldest girl whom sees him for what he is, thought he was finally proud, finally noticing them. That hope from them broke my heart. I saw it for what it was; him bragging about his being the sire of four geniuses. The four geniuses were not relevant. For the record non of them are geniuses. Smart? Yes. Mensah, Rhode scholars? No.
My evil "dad" has left a 30+ year history of misinformation.. lies etc. And of course his generation of uneducated elders all think what he says is the gospel!
@@infinitycosmos4723 omg, I remember listening to my a-dad as a kid and even then thinking it sounded like he didn’t know anything. A-mum’s ironic nickname for him was “The oracle.” Kinda sad but funny at the same time as it’s so ridiculous.
My father would laugh at me when I was hurt. I recently figured out how abusive both my parents were and am separating my life from them and they are trying to destroy 20 years of my work and not reimburse me for over a million dollars I have invested into that business and just take it from me. I woke up with a jolt at 5am with the thought 'you're going to die soon' ringing through my head. This is the worst time of my life.
This is abbreviated but my father once set me up by coming around to my house and saying 'I have to talk with you in confidence.' 'Ok, sure?' 'I can't stand living with your mother and brother anymore.' 'Well, if that's how you really feel you shouldn't stay in that situation.' He went STRAIGHT home to my mother and brother and told them I told him to leave them and what a terrible person I am.
My dad made fun of my brothers girlfriend committing suicide, it was at that point that I realised just how toxic he and my step family was. How can suicide be made fun of? Also he refused to take my brother to the morgue to spend that time with her body. My brother has cut him off completely and I keep them at a distance! My Dad has never phoned me, ever! However his wife does phone but they put people on loud speaker and make faces to make fun of people they're on phone with. I don't call them and mostly stick to txts now.
My father met every single one of these traits. Oof. I was called weak often as a child for crying when he was belittling me or when he wouldn't listen to me when I was begging him to stop hurting my mom or when he didn't show up to an event I desperately wanted him to be at. I blame him for a good majority of my mental illnesses. 90% of my therapy sessions are talking about him.
@@DrDanielFox I've been working on it for a good 6 years. I've made a lot of progress, but I've still got a long way to go. Thank you for the validating comment! ❤️🩹
I'm glad you mentioned both sides, I had committed o. A video that had Isolated men once but am not sure if I mentioned in that comment that I can see how some things mentioned were things my son had to deal with. Unfortunately through his childhood he was the one in that I never came back and said how bad I felt about it to him after the fact even when I would to his mom. I always wanted him to be tougher than I was and never understood how my behavior was damaging until I started looking into things like narcissistic traits and bpd, and have pushed him away completely trying to push talking about how many are what I recently started realizing I had dealt with in my life without a way to understand or describe. The gift one applies in a few ways, I sold a 4 wheeler when he was young because he wouldn't go out and work on a trail, and the one when he was older because he didn't want to take over maintenance, after his mom and I broke up his mom told me he wanted a custom fishing rod so I got him that. I did tell her it had had their top parts built on it.. I hope he likes it and gets use out of it. It wasn't to buy his love, I get that from my parent, it was the first Christmas gift I got him that wasn't split in a long time. I liked this video.. I personally resonate with all 9 bpd criteria and definitely can identify that I tend to have narcissistic traits with it. Thank you
An increadibly helpful and informative video, Daniel. Many thanks for that as usual. It would be really interesting to see those traits in narcissistic mothers with all the overlaps and differences (if any). Look forward to seeing your new videos.
You can’t set boundaries with a narcissistic parent, they just see boundaries as something to be crossed. I personally think no contact is the only solution. They will literally ruin your reputation with twisted stories, rewriting history etc. everything becomes a no win situation when they sense you setting a boundary. If you set a boundary they go to covert retaliation and go after your child, never leave you children alone with them. A child does not have the language to express covert mental abuse.
I had to leave home tonight because my father's anger is escalating and don't feel safe. Too confrontational and when I set boundaries, he say I'm spoiled, want to take over and who do I think I am
All of the symptoms are present and keeping one's distance may be the only way to deal with this kind of problem. One of the additional issues is that the son is only of importance inasmuch as he reflects the narcissistic father. The son becomes "mini-me" and will not be valued if he deviates from the perfection of the narcissistic father.
These traits I have experienced and am still experiencing in large amounts as the ex wife of the narc. I haven't seen any except LOVEBOMBING directed to my daughter, our daughter technically, as a child or now as a 30 y/o adult and believe me I keep a lookout, its innate. What hurts like no other is that my daughter believes I am the monster that possesses these horrific traits. It blows my mind how he was able to pull that off. He did so knowing he had to hurt her to get her to believe these things. No wonder why he ran from me as I hunt him down yelling at him to stop, you are hurting our daughter. If I even try to tell her the truth she shuts me down and treats me like I'm just bad talking and gossiping. There has got to be a way to get it in her brain. Too many years have been stolen from us...no more waiting.
It's very difficult for me to explain about my narcissistic father because very rare among us knows what narcissim is. So people around me thinks it's just a common father trait to correct me. Infact he always mocked me pulled me down whenever I want to grow
I've heard it all. After my divorce, I never talked bad about my daughters father to them, he however had plenty to lie to them about me. Because of the toxicity, I have no contact with any of them, my choice for my sanity. 😊
My ex was a narcissist and my daughter married a narcissist. I did not know how to protect her or raise her awareness to this as I didn’t know what it was and how to deal with it. Now that the children are all grown but struggle to live in their own and my daughter is starting to care for herself he has found a girlfriend which puts him back in control of her. Now he works on playing his daughters against their mother. The daughters are twins therefore he has not been able to break their bond like he did with his sons
Funny how I can recognize every trait of his personnality. The more I'm aware of his behaviour the more I despise him. I'm 43, musician, and since teen days, he never came to any of my concerts, only once to brag around "he's my son." To attract the light upon him and to show the crowd he's a careful father. But yes behind the scenes was nothing like that. Every time now I try to have a conversation on the phone, he shuts the conversation down to himself or postpone our talk "I'm busy, call ya later"...And guess what he never calls back.
SIr, you just explain the dynamics of what I experience whilst growing up. A Dr Jekel and Mr Hyde persona. Very traumatic experience. Unfortunately, it is inherited. Yes, I did seek help and it was bloody hard to recover.
Big strong hugs for the daughters of such fathers.We will make it❤
Believe it or not, Narcissistic fathers actually impact their sons too.
Oh my God apparently they get worst with âge. I feel so sorry for my daughter that I fell in her narc father's trap 😢 a life long torture 😮 that's so sad 🙏 how could she avoid any more struggle with him ? Any advices for a 15 years old ?
it does get worse when they age. i am now at an impasse with them and am considering in sending both arc parents to the home for the aged. it will probably be better for all of us. i don't talk to them thsough they live in my house.
@@James-Johnson313She was most likely talking about her own personal experience. Believe it or not, everything on the internet doesn't have to be specifically relatable to you.
@@pratriciadewan7396 very interesting that you have an issue saying men are victims too.
My father never changed. He has always been psychologically abusive. At the age of 94 he still plays to shame and belittle his children. I had to reframe who he is. Had to see him as a distant relative or a visitor. A father just doesn’t treat you that way.
As the only child (adult) scapegoat of my 84 year old narcissistic father I can tell you he gets meaner and more conniving as he ages
@@rachelspeck1230 I’m sorry to hear that.
Scapegoat caring for narc father because golden kids dumped him after one got all the money. Very irritating
@daisycocoa2557 this isn't funny but the terminology you used is. 😂
Dad's in his 80s, his flying monkey girlfriend said to me(her opinion was unasked for) "He's always been this way, he won't change" He's mostly arrogant, that he can waste my time and not be called on. Even if I call him on it, he is dismissive, controlling, sarcastic. He's pathetic, she's not any better. Strangers treat me better, he nitpicks at me. I've had more than enough of his b.s.
“I’ll give you something to cry about” - my dad whenever I cried
Mine too after he called me names/belittled me or choked me...
Mine told me I was manipulating HIM by crying while he was on a tirade.
Exactly!
So relatable. He showed me from a young age that he was not a safe person to express emotion around. :(
Same
My father was a West Point graduate and a narcissist (diagnosed by a therapist). He was physically strong, incredibly intelligent and a rager. It was impossible for me as his daughter. He was my boss. I had a terrible upbringing with him and I am still recovering to this day and I’m almost 65.
Similar story for me, Dad was West point grad and diagnosed narcissistic in therapy after it came out he was cheating on my mom for my whole life
@@TheWTFMatt Oh my God. What an amazing coincidence.
Hey can we talk
My father physically psychologically mentally abused me
He's a Narcissist
I hope you were able to get away from him and go no contact at some point just to save yourself.
@@sbfabtfc1 I did. Thank you. It’s not easy to do it but we have to choose between ourselves or their poison.
Both of my parents are/were narcissists. I'm the scapegoat. I'm my mother's primary caregiver to this day. My father died 20 years ago and people were, and still are, shocked when they hear I was relieved when he died.
It's tough dealing with toxic family dynamics. Remember to prioritize your own well-being in all this.
My adoptive dad died nearly three years ago and I’m relieved, too! I still feel pissed off at him sometimes but our lives have much less random and unnecessary chaos in them, now. I mean, he did help me with some things, too, so wasn’t 100% terrible, but I don’t miss him or his parents at all.
I also was the scapegoat for two narc parents. I hope you manage to get enough time away from your mother, to look after yourself. ❤
OMG...both parents narcissists...how did you make it out? You must be one resilient individual.
I don’t blame you one bit, I’m in the same boat. My mother, a total very abusive narcissist insists that she will outlive me. Lucky me. My father disowned me for calling him out for insulting me in front of my narc sister in law.
1. He made/makes fun of you.
2. He only compliments you in public.
3. He explodes with anger if you show any weakness in public.
4. He only calls you to brag about himself.
5. He uses love bombing to win affection. No gifts come without strings attached, even if it’s garbage.
6. He belittles you in front of your partner or children.
7. He finds reasons to avoid attending events that focus on another’s success.
8. He cannot take constructive feedback.
You might want to add she to this.
@@TracyWhitche "Unmasking Narcissistic FATHERS" is the title. It is about fathers, not parents.
Add to that will almost always ruin special occasions, make up lies to get your attention on your birthday and start arguments with others at your birthday.. makes me dread having a birthday
my narc sperm donor often would mock me and belittle me in front of others and pass it off as a "joke"
my whole family are narcissistic , my dad is a complete drainer of youth and enthusiasm. both my parents like to be king dick and king vag and I believe a lot of this psychic driving and witchcraft and nlp and bad counsellors are deliberately wrecking families. stealing their kids loves. my sister and brother are the same as well. my dad was put out that a guy my own age would like me , he expected them to be all over him and my parents seem to not like me being loved or having a boyfriend when normal parents would want their kids happily married and so on and I met therapists like this who aid the bully. I think they are jealous of me to find my own loves and talents and money and work skills. when I go places with my mum to support her she takes over and every one notices her needs and not mine. and my dad is very much the same and like a gay bully. he gives to other peoples kids what I need . they steal my clothes and business and want my furniture and house and lie about me. My dad is a crazy person who steals youth on his kids. ITs like he sucks of the weakest or most caring in the family. all his friends are assholes as well. They appear to control with mostly mocking or anger and selfishness and creating jealousy slurs and games that appear to be induced by demonic states and cia like crap. Its like they are jealous of youth and womanhood and jealous of you experiencing love and sex with people your own age. this is how you create a queer and shut down person. and as parents age they can play evil games like out of body talk that would belong to another person and generation and culture. they play sneaky weird games as well. and I hate this husbandizing of the kids matter their gender. and people who want to suck up to them for sex advancement with prettier richer young whores or men or jobs etc, its like they are sucking the life out of you vicariously. I seen a little bitch recently trying to do this with my mother and she started on my dad and my dad was stealing men on me for a long time for turds sluts or for himself. these bad therapists like bringing out the bad and ego in awful people don't think about how its damaging lives. then they want to drop as well and most of them are spastic people who need a kick up the ass. they seem wired in to scams.
What is extremely difficult to deal with is when the narcissistic parent appropriates and hoards or spend resources all on themselves at the expense of the children's very real needs. And to add insult to injury, the narcissist lies about it to everyone.
they are not narcissits they just never bumped with their had into a problem
Yep, I was severely medically neglected as he told me we were struggling with money while he constantly spent money on unnecessary expensive luxuries like wine tours and international vacations
@@SophiesticateduhhuhI’ve been there too.
Then you end up caring for them when they are old after they spent or gave away all their money
Sometimes they uae the kid as wish fulfillment.
Women are slightly more likely to be narcissistic these days it seems. Slightly. That means it isn't a gender or 5€×-linked trait.
What hurt me most as a teen was seeing my father belittling my mom and not being able to do anything about it. She told me not to intervene because otherwise he would accuse her of bringing me up against him.
Manipulation was intense growing up for me as well
Sounds like your mom was trying to mold your dad to be a certain way and your dad didn't want to be molded so he started to manipulate your mom
I still feel the helplessness and shame and misery.
@@melinaburkhardt421 This is a true statement
Very sad.
Dinner conversations turns into a one man monolog, and no one better interrupt him.
Yes! Oh my gosh, all about him!
Shit omg is that a sign 😳
Dinner conversation?
Conversations in general.
Dinner is just eating food at night.
And how! 😂
Always have to be the center of attention. Every holiday at my aunts with my narcissistic dad was a dread.
Growing up with a narcissistic father, being the scapegoat, and then working through all the dysregulation involved, I can tell you... it's a long journey and you'll always have to be mindful, but it's 100% possible to be free of the pain and confusion. Dr. Fox is an incredible man and a blessing to the world
To my dad it was no joke, he literally believed his whole family was stupid and that he was the only one smart. Narcissistic people think that the help they got, they deserved it. They are fighting their own weaknesses inside, by attacking people with similar weakness. Narcissism is actually denial of inadequacy, fear, pain, becoming callus to oneself, then expecting it of others. They turn their trauma into a weapon against their weakness, by using it to attack others.
It's true that narcissism often stems from deep-seated insecurities. It's a complex issue, and understanding it can be a significant step toward healing and growth.
externalizing their trauma onto others
100 thumbs up 👍
Man did you ever hit the nail on the head when you said “The sooner you can recognize it and create insulation from it the better.” The moment your videos helped me see I have a narcissistic father, was the moment I began to heal.
As a son who ended up gay (47) with a dad who is was a blue collar, scary, biker General Motors production line worker in the gritty rust belt city of Flint, Michigan (now 73)
I can say he’s changed some, his edges have been rounded off some after decades of becoming worn down by age and the losses that come with over 7 decades of life.
He still has that superficial charm that the outside public loves, and eats up right out of his hand, while those who never experienced who he was behind closed doors, have zero clue about, and would be appalled if they ever saw.
As a kid, so many traits this video talks about were spot on, and worse.
There was nobody ever who destroyed my sense of self-worth, and permanently made sure I’d live my entire life without experiencing what it feels like to have self-love and confidence.
I still struggle every day as a near 50 year old man with believing I have any redeeming qualities, or anything to offer that others desire enough to make me anything other than utterly unremarkable and easily disposable.
You had two options with my dad growing up- best case scenario was to remain invisible to him, where you’d be utterly ignored, you were just background noise that required occasional feeding, never getting any validation, love, or inclusion into his time or life- and the other alternative, which you DID NOT want- was when you made the mistake of forcing him to acknowledge your existence, via needing some form of correction or guidance- and that situation was where the rage came out, and you’d become a punching bag, both literally, and the worst- emotionally and psychologically.
As an adult, that’s no longer the case of course- he is now mostly alone, and while he will not discuss or acknowledge he ever did anything wrong, he is now kind and jovial toward me, as he knows deep down I am one of very few social contacts he has left, and he’s very careful not to show the true nature of who he really is, as I’ve made clear I won’t tolerate it, and it will be the end of any hope he has of redeeming whatever time we have left.
One big thing hasn’t changed, though- he still gains glee from watching me struggle from adverse life situations that he could easily provide resources it takes for me to easily overcome those struggles, and there’s an obvious sadness in him when I’m better at, or more successful at doing literally any task than he is.
He becomes mute, and listens (if being told how something went) or observes in silence with a grimace on his face, thinly and poorly disguised as a grin.
It really is pathetic to watch a man in his 70’s be humiliated that his son is better at some random task than he is, it’s as if he’s locked into the mentality of a grade school child who is terrified of being one-upped by a peer on the playground.
I’ll never have the experience of what it’s like to have a NORMAL father- who is PROUD and ENCOURAGES their child when the accel and exceed their own talents.
Wow Flint, I’m from Saginaw!
Your discription is spot on about how arrested their development is. But one needs to grieve away this love and hope for the idealistic father who one never had, in order to move on. I hope your life gets easier with the healing journey. 🙏💕 look up Patrick Teahan too he has some amazing resources too.
I can relate to your story!
My dad is a narcissist in his 90's now and his favorite narcissist thing to say is!? The best revenge is out living everyone! I laugh at that because his kids won't even speak to him!
Thanks for all your insight! I'm a guy, 67,single, grew up in a narcissistic household in New England. Always told to "keep your mouth shut". Never had a conversation with my parents. Never heard I love you or Merry Christmas. My mom always called me an idiot! Briefly, I had many odd jobs as a kid and saved my money, when I was accepted into college I called my mom at work to tell her, she said "your not going, you have no money" well I did have the money and I went. From that point I started to grow and get further away from them. I then went to college in NYC, at graduation my parents came and afterwards in the lobby of Alice Tully Hall at Lincoln Center she started yelling at me " why couldn't you wear nice pants and nice shoes", I said I don't have nice pants and nice shoes, I had to spend what money I had on books for my classes. It was my moment to shine she ruined it. I started walking away and they followed me for a few blocks, no dinner not even a card, I called them a cab and they went to their hotel and took the subway to my apt. They never sent me a dime while I was in college. I have 2 degrees, written up in the NY times and many major magazines. I look back and feel that they wanted me to fail so I'd return home but I never did. Years later I got jumped one night walking home in NY from my job and got a black eye, when I told my dad on the phone he laughed! Those days are long gone!
When I told my dad I was getting a divorce on the phone he laughed the hardest laugh I ever heard and then he said. Hell I could of told that was gonna happen! What are you going to do now you cant come live with me because I don't want you ruining my living situation. My 100M dollar brother had just bought him a home to die in and he thought my divorce was going to affect that!lol the mind of a narcissist! I cut him out after that!
Boundaries are hard and cause me lots of guilt at first, but gives internal peace
I agree and it can be tough. Stay strong and be well.
Dad doesn't give a damn about my boundaries, he ignores them. I ignore him!
My dad flouts ignoring my boundaries, he is a jerk!
Had a narcissistic father with some sociopathic traits. This Is right on. What I've never heard before is your statement that their abuse is not about you but are about them and their fears. One of the most helpful things I've ever heard.
My father loved dressing up and parading me around in front of his friends. He would buy me an expensive gift after a big fight. I had to remove him from my life when I became so angry with him that I wanted to hurt him in the worst way possible.
What I noticed were very long lectures if you disagreed with him and lectures that went to extreme levels. What I concluded was this was a form of dominance gained by virtue of being an authority figure with power.
Mine threw religious indoctrination in there for spice lol
That happened to me too, there was always lectures
The lectures are gruesome to say the least
When my father was in an assisted living residence and nearing the end I sat with him, held his hands, looked him in the eyes, and told him I forgave him, that he had done the best he could with what he had. Not sure he really understood that this was a formal absolution but it didn’t matter because it was more about me letting go
I not only had a narcissistic father, his behavior "bled out" on my older brother, too. Like father, like son in the worst way! He was "daddy's boy", who could do no wrong, absolute hell for my younger brother and I. Dad passed away 12 years ago, and my older brother is still a pain in the @$$. He's a scrawny runt, he changed his attitude real quick when he met my husband, a 6ft.3,180lb biker with a hardcore "Don't gimme no sh-t" attitude. No threats, but very intimidating. Big brother is a LOT less mouthy, which is fine with me!
There is not enough discussion around emotionally abusive fathers. A father doesn't have to be absent to mess you up. A father can be plenty damaging when they are around.
My mom's health failed first, and one of the few compliments he ever gave me was what a good job I was doing taking care of my mom. He has spent decades trying to create situations where I would turn into the caretaker of him (I'm the only daughter) but I refuse. He has the money to pay for the care he needs and I get entirely too stressed out being around him.
My father does every single one, oof, I’m glad I cut him off but grieving that relationship is so painful
cutting those ties can be tough
I’m there and yes it hurts and won’t stop
The more you work on healing it the easier it gets. My dad died two years ago and I was glad that I had spent 20 years grieving and healing the absence of a father so his death was not a loss for me.
I'm grieving for the father I never had. He abandoned us when I was a baby. My mother reintroduced him to me when I turned 14 but I have never had that connection I wish I could have had because he has no clue who I am and doesn't even try to get to know me. He belittled me and criticized me when I totaled my car instead of asking if I was okay. He doesn't want to get help with his trauma so I guess he's just "waiting to die".
Grieving the loss of something you never had. (A decent parent)
My dad is jealous of all of my accomplishments. Never once got a “great job son” Always criticism. If he does call me now it is to talk about his life…if the conversation switches for my turn to talk “oh I have a call coming in I have to go” This guy tries to take credit for anything I’ve done when people compliment me to him…he sounds ridiculous…it’s embarrassing the looks some of these people give me when he talks like that.
Here's one that was missing: exploits children as his psychotherapist while not going to therapy.
Mine was telling me how disappointed he was in my mother and how he had better choices of women to be married to at the age of 9.. yup.
that describes my mother 100%. ridiculous. sooo happy to be nc. theyre all lunatics. and (sorry not sorry) a-holes.
@@graphicpipThat is next level f'ed up. I'm sorry he treated you that way and said such disgusting things.
My father would also share very inappropriate details of his personal life with me when I was still very young. Trauma dumping and crying on my shoulder when my mom left us. When even my own emotional pain was almost too much, he dumped his pain on top of that. And also convienently forgot that my mom left because of his awful behaviour.
My ex would only go to our kids' events when his family or associates were there to watch him be a proud father. If there was no audience, he would either act put out and bothered or he just wouldn't show up at all.
Same
😢
This is priceless 🎉 my dad only goes any where he can get an audience of people he knows to do with him to play the part … and relentlessly take the piss and put me down with “humor “ at my expense .
Bit of a sad wanker really
I'd say in front of everyone, "oh dad...how nice of you to show up only when so and so are here".
@@island661 😂
Oh man.
I am a military vet. When I got back home, amd make no mistake, my service was tough - I thought that nothing and no one ever would have been able to make me cry, to make me uncomfortable, to make me afraid again... Of course, it was stupid, because PTSD was right behind the corner, and I was later diagnosed with a panic disorder with derealization episodes, and later yet with anxiety and depression.
However, my dad literally managed to make me cry with a few words he said during the first week of me being back home.
Unbelievable...
Eventually, my Mom divorced him, and I cut all ties. Years later, he has found me and apologized. I appreciated it, but I notice that sometimes I behave just like him, hurting (emotionally) people I love most. And this is, honestly, the worst thing about it.
I have always thought that I would never be like my Dad. I don't want it, I do not want to hurt anyone, especially people who love me.
My therapist keeps saying that I am not a narc, and that these behaviors are just my learned reaponses to certain situations, and I can address these issues and fix them. I am eager to do it so much.
My father hated Holidays and giving gifts when he felt he "had" to. Instead, he'd randomly give me gifts whenever he saw fit. He said it was more "special" that way, but really it was used as a manipulation tactic since he made holidays and most days absolutely miserable. Then during the day if I acted up he'd threaten to take away or throw away the gift... Imagine telling a six year old, "This is why I never do anything nice for you!"
Thanks for sharing. It’s a hard experience for sure. Be well.
He's an asshole!
I remember being grammar school age, and any compassionate parent would understand how little ones can be overly stimulated due to being tired, well, my ignorant dad kept threatening to, “give me something to cry for,” because I was tired and had fallen asleep in the car coming home and started crying while waking up. I didn’t know why I was crying. Even now I can see and hear his threatenings. He’s now dead and ✌🏽 bye! 😂
Dad expected me to be an adult when I was a child. Surreal!
Every time my small daughter would whine or cry because she was sleepy, the narc father would/wanted to hit her. She was two. I left.
Sorry you have to have those memories. Love the emojis though 😄
I love you doc and your explanations are so perfectly worded.
"Insulation" takes lots n lots of self talk, self love, parenting yourself when deep inside you the child in you is craving for your parent's approval, presence and unconditional love.
That is a true healing process.
Self-care coping skills are the best.. you have the power within yourself to emotionally take care of you as an individual.
Narcissistic fathers and mothers both need to be held accountable. The problem is that narcissistic fathers can do whatever they want to you. What if they shout at you ? They’ll keep doing it. What if they abuse and mistreat you? They’ll keep doing it. What if you try to get help? Nobody supports you because everyone enables the narcissistic father. There’s an expectation that we’re just supposed to be our narcissistic father’s “garbage collector” of their ego, superiority, mistreatment, abuse, blame, shouting, etc. Society enables narcissistic parents and narcissistic bullies. I estranged from my parents because it was the best I could do, but I have no support structure. I’ve been estranged for 7 years, but still everyone will sympathize with my narcissistic parents as if I’m the bad guy. Once a scapegoat, always a scapegoat. There should be more concrete ways to hold narcissistic parents accountable for their actions.
I agree. There are no consequences for narcs. People will say, he's your father, he is family, don't think so much, forgive him. Society don't want to deal with narcs and their tempers. Well.. but a lot of mental issues in this world are created by narcs and their poor parenting. They should not have access to vulnerable people at all.
I never got gifts from him, it was always something he found from his hoarding issue. As an adult I told him I was planning on buying him a Christmas present and I would appreciate it/it would mean a lot if he did the same for me. I tried to get out of it by talking about his convenient chronic illness, but I didn't let him get away with it.
He kept asking family what he should get me, but didn't end up picking anything up.
He ended up getting me cash in a card, using the wrapping paper I had used for my present to him. This was when I was just figuring out all of the stuff about my family. It felt very surreal at the time, but my life started to make a lot of sense.
I get gifts, but he nitpicks at me, he ruined my last two birthdays, he's a jerk! He was late, ignoring my boundaries: ignoring that my time/life is valuable. No contact with him since Easter. I almost called him for Father's Day, but he wasn't home, he has a a snarky outgoing message. I didn't bother. The result would have hurt me even if it was good. I called him twice last year, he didn't acknowledge him. I'm done with his narcissism!
I didn't understand this about my dad until recently, and I am 55. Unfortunately, it has led me to tolerate bad behavior in my past relationships, blame myself and overcompensate to get the love that I desired. I never heard my dad tell me that he loved me nor has he ever given me a hug. I love my dad, but this is just the way he is and I have come to terms with it and have accepted that this is our relationship. I feel like I had my mourning period with it and I can begin to heal and move forward.
The sad thing is how after years of belittling, gaslighting by the narc, the only sane parent you had automatically and quickly without evidence will take the side of the narc parent and attack you - because this is what she has been conditioned to think and feel and protect herself from drama and tirades. However it makes the narc continue to think they are never wrong. I struggle with deep disappointment in my mother.
I understand how challenging and disheartening that situation must be. It's tough when the people we expect to support us end up adding to the pain.
Could you talk about narcissist father's who use the Court system to win custody and alienate the mother?
Dr. Fox, I so bless the day I stumbled upon your first video. Watching this video was the ultimate in validation. I’ve been working on myself for a while, so I had to laugh. This. Is. My. Dad. To a T. And while I will always grieve the time lost to the mental issues I developed in childhood, I will also forever be grateful for learning about toxic behaviors, how they affect you, and how to move past them. It has given me a chance at life at last, and I am very grateful. Thank you.
That's so interesting in the chat reply talking about celebrating birthdays. Typically, in our family, birthdays are not celebrated as much as they are destroyed. There have been a number of ways. Staying out all night and not coming back until that late afternoon of the birthday. Acting butt hurt about the restaurant or movie the birthday person has chosen. His daughter caught him texting another woman, seeing him type, "I love you." on her birthday. He's got a million of them. Thank you for this program today. Very informational and enlightening.
Didn't read comments below yet, but much of what you said really resonated w/ me. Belittling an adult child in public when people are mingling together is bad, BUT what is worse when it's written on social media like FaceBook. SAD and pathetic beyond belief. Of course, the response is "It's a joke! Can't you take a joke?!" It's not a joke and IF turned around on them, they would be so upset. Shut down. Hold a grudge FOREVER. If I could cut people out of my life, I would. Instead, I just do "gray rock" and limit my time in their presence as much as I possibly can. I don't respond to emails or texts even though person keeps trying to "hoover" me as this person clearly knows I'm distancing myself. So far I'm doing fantastic and am feeling the power of controlling my reaction and not providing narc supply for them. I liked what you said about "eating" toward the end. Getting attention or a reaction is like food for survival. Thanks Dr. Fox for a fantastic video w/ lots of great info!
My husband hasn't been to any family trip, holiday, daughters school events since January2023... NOTHING at all. He is somehow always SO TIRED... Has a migraine... it is wild how he is "always" sick but only during the event. Once my daughter and I get back home he is somehow cured😮💔
Keep pushing forward! As awareness of narcissistic abuse spreads, the suffering will decrease.
Absolutely! Awareness is a powerful tool, and together we can make a difference in reducing the suffering caused by narcissistic abuse.
I had a narcissistic father. Thankful he was never home.
To All Of You Suffering with NARC BETA MALE CRITICAL DADS…
I think you’re AWESOME as you are 😘❤️❤️❤️
My father didn't want the responsibility of a family so i didn't meet him until I was 14. He never got help for his chronic depression and trauma from his childhood so i have never had any kind of connection with him because he keeps everyone at a distance, doesn't trust anyone, and in another way he has done the same thing his Dad did to him (abandoned him in the car for hours while his dad was drinking in a bar) so he never had the capacity to love me or connect with me on a father/son level. He's 75 and I'll never have the father I really needed. And my mom has narcissistic traits so she was totally incapable of being a mother. I don't know why people with mental illness have kids. I'm still recovering from the emotional abuse at 38 yrs old but I'm so thankful for my wife who is my biggest support and helped me see how toxic those relationships were.
I'm sorry to hear about your difficult family situation. It's important to focus on the positive relationships in your life.
You had a spy camera on my father. Literally every point is my father.
I'll never know if my father was a narc. Stepdad leans more avoidant. Mom, however...real piece of work. And age made her infinitely worse.
Thanks!
You're so welcome and thank you for your kind support of the channel. It means a lot when people help support the cause of putting out honest and research based information. Thank you and be well.
I think that not all of this applies to the covert narcissist father. They are more subtle and underhanded with their abuse.
Definitely
My father was ashamed of me because I gained weight at age 17. We both had a showing at a gallery for our paintings. People liked mine more than his. At age 16; and since then an am now 55; I’ve been punished for it. I’ve been completely disowned now. Reason for being disowned is for calling him out on the fact that he kept telling me I’m stupid in front of my narcissistic sister in law; whom he loves so much because she is naturally thin. I’m not fat either, but I have to watch it; because it adds on quickly for me. I packed my suitcase and went to a hotel because he refused to acknowledge that this was uncalled for. So I was blamed for ruining the family gathering. I asked him; why would you need a stupid person at your vacation anyway? To this day, eight years later; my sister in law also accuses stupid me for ruining the holiday. I didn’t shout, I didn’t argue, I just departed and told him the reason why calmly, quietly and politely. I’m always the one who gets blamed. He emails my brother constantly with videos about narcissistic sons. He didn’t go to either one of our graduations. Nor our weddings, and didn’t even bother to acknowledge our children. But when he needs us to be present at important events of his; to show off his well adjusted children.
This is so, so helpful. Thank you, Dr. Fox.
My father possibly buying me a gift is laughable. I am expected to buy him something and call him. This year I talked to him the day before my birthday. I reminded him that the next day was my birthday (I am 62)! He doesn’t remember and not because of old age or anything. He wants to hurt me. He told me to “have a happy birthday if he didn’t talk to me tomorrow. I stupidly expected him to call me. No, I had to call him for him to wish me a happy birthday. I know that sounds petty but 62 years of this kind of behavior starts to get to you.
It sounds like you’ve been through a lot with your father. It’s understandable to feel hurt after so many years. Remember, you deserve to be celebrated on your special day!
All these points are my whole childhood with my father, though he's gotten better as he's gotten older and it doesn't affect me as much anymore because I can identify whenever he's trying to gaslight or he's having a narcissistic moment.
He had a very troublesome childhood with completely crazy parents and he's not a bad man but the damage to me still happened. Thank you for your videos, these last few ones have been very pertinent to me.
I'm tired of being like this, I was going to either find a therapist or get your workbook. Think I'll try the workbook first.
His workbooks are fantastic! I highly recommend. Real eye openers for me.
@@angelawhite2022 Thanks, I decided to pull the trigger and just bought it. 😊
Thank you for sharing your experiences. I would like to add my own thoughts on this. I often fall into the trap of trying to be gracious with my dad’s narcissistic behavior and validate that he’s not a bad person. But how would one define a “bad” person if one exists? I believe that bad people are carved from childhood experience that they havent grown from. Is it their fault? Maybe not. But im going to call it for what it is. THEY ARE BAD PEOPLE
@@hunterharris637 My grandmother was damaged by circumstances beyond her control, and took her resentment out on her children.
My father took his damage out on me. He wouldn't have done that if he'd had the tiniest bit more awareness and willpower.
His behaviour was evil. The kindest thing I can say about him is that he was weak. A week 4yo in a man's body.
I was always a daddy’s girl growing up, and it took me 23 years to realize he was the narcissist. I feel he really messed me up because he would act like I was the perfect daughter since I was the only one that admired him so much, even until college. He painted my mom to be an evil person that hated me, so I hated her. As soon as I became a woman though, he changed. He became more misogynistic towards me, and made me feel weak. Then he had a whole new family, which he knew was my biggest fear, and shut my sister and me out. Cutting him off was the absolute last resort, but the last thing he told me was that he was busy with his new family, to even have a relationship of just communication with us. What’s weird is he only had daughters until 2022, now he has one son. Since then, he’s been so weird about it. Last year during Christmas we saw peacocks and he said “the male peacocks are so much prettier than the woman peacocks. Just like humans, guys don’t realize how much more pretty they are compared to girls.” Hmmm what?🤔
People tell me I have daddy issues. No, I have mommy and daddy issues.
I was reading recently how the very term 'daddy issues' is a way of putting down the feminine, as if the daughter is the problem. She never was !
@@Lehanii
And Mommy Issues?
@@Lehanii I can see how people would make it out to be the daughter who is the issue, but it was our parents responsibility to bring us up. In most cases (not all, but many) if we have those issues, it’s because there was something missing or wrong in our upbringing and we’re either subconsciously repeating the trauma or somehow looking to fix it, usually with wonky tools and no instruction manual.
When you have father issues mother issues tend to come as well because it's like she or he enabled the abuse from the other parents. But both parents seem to be abusive more than one reading everyone's comments
Go away, ladies.
This is my issues.
I myself have BPD and I recognise my dad to have NPD. Apart from the emotional abuse I suffered I also see the resemblances between NPD and BPD.
First of all I want to make clear having a personality disorder is not an excuse to treat other people badly. When a person delutes himself he's entitled to do so he might get away with it for many years, but eventually the damage towards himself will become even more severe.
I agree when you are a victim of narcissistic abuse by anyone you need to care of yourself and don't sacrifice yourself for the wellbeing of the person who abused you. The damage has already been done: make use of the freedom to lead your own life and only let people into your life who can be a support for you.
On the other hand it's too easy to judge a narcissist as an evil person. When you have a narcissistic father like I have, you probably can see signs about some difficulties in his childhood as well. Narcissists often grew up being spoilt, which in fact is a form of abuse. Children need to learn dealing with losing and disappointment and also need to learn to share with others. If they don't they cannot emotionally connect with others to built up friendships. A narcissist can only connect with other people with manipulation. In their vision it's like "When you do what I want you to do, you are my friend." "When you disagree with me or you do anything which makes me question my superiority, you're my enemy!" At the same time narcissists can be so desperate in their need for approval they can also be very demanding towards themselves and they can bring themselves in very humiliating situations. I think it's important to realise they have trapped themselves within a very destructive behavior pattern instead of they are born evil.
Because of men who never showed me the love know I deserved I chose to stay single and raising my kids alone and encourage them to grow into the adult they want to be
Big help. Huge help. GIANT help. Many thanks. I got so much out of each and every word of your video (which I'm going to watch over and over). It's as if you were watching me grow up with an Olympian-class narcissistic father. So surprising, so comforting to realize I have positive attributes. You're a hero, Dr. Fox.
6 out of 8
my dad only ever called me to remind me of how much of a burden I was to him and complain about my brother and mother. He told the same stories over and over again for years. Literally over 20 years. Always making himself a martyr. he only contaced me to make sure I knew how much I "hurt" him. this guy who always yelled and hit and bitched. No more will I ever put up with that shit.
Sounds like my dad! He even came up with a dollar amount on what each kid cost him (not a realistic amount but something he probably saw on the news or something).
I can't tell if my father were a narcisist because he had only one word and this remained in every situation.This were a sign he wasn't a narcisist.The manipulation started from my mother.Her words and actions are changing always for her own gain
I learned how to criticize myself and make fun of each other from my Dad. My mother (who has a lot of narc traits herself) absolutely hated it. It became a running joke between us who could be more insulting.
My father is 81 and til this day he can never have a sensible
conversation, it always consists of him playing mind games and controlling the conversation.
I believe he didn't teach me how to be a strong man growing up because he didn't want me to turn out to be more of a man then him
He expected me to be something he was suppose to teach me but never did
I looked my narrc father in the eyes in my mid 30s and told him "i forgive you"
A few year later he was back to his usual BS. Insults disguised as compliments, etreme emotional manipulation attempts, even threatening suicide. I justvtold him "goodbye" deleted him from my phone and life. I dont got time for his nonsense. I tried.
My dad made my cry on my 30th birthday after bullying me about being SLIGHTLY overweight
I told him he made me cry, his response? WHO CRIES?!
That's a control tactic...I cried on my birthday last year because he said something shitty..I wont let him manipulate me ever again...its nothing to do with weight it could be you hair, life, boyfriends etc...he just attacked your weakness.. your dad is a pervert to boot, btw, for what he said to you as it's objectifying his daughters body 🤢 🤮
im a man lolll@@monaj33
My sister went bullimic in late teens (became a skeleton) because fat people were loathed by my father, an easy target for him to put down and feel good about himself, and he would comment on my sister's weight (my sister was literally average weight with the slightest curves). She became obsessed with her weight. She was the golden child too.
Narcs parents are disgustjng humans.
@@LL-wc4wn glad im not the only one, theyre fuckin HORRID.
I'd have a few choice put-downs for him as well. That always gets them when you bully them back. 😂
Hey, 8 out of 8... Jackpot. 😖
I quit contact many years ago and he still is complaining to my mom (they are divorced) about me treating him like a criminal or even worse. Always trying to suck me back into his sick system. No way.
Good for you 20 F here, just realizing the abuse from my parents and I’m fixing to move out!!! Their abuse has left me feeling depressed and out of my damn mind. 😢 The future is bright for us, just keep healing ❤
@@taliawilliams6809 Wish you all the best. Go your way, not theirs. I envy you for figuring it out this early in life. 😘
Hi Dr. Fox . . . oh my, you know my daughter's "X" perfectly. Very difficult with them having children 5, 4, & 2 years old. Daughter trying so hard to protect children best she can. Take care.
It’s super hard accepting that my father will never love me, care about me, or even accept me.
At 14 my dad sat me down for half an hour explaining in detail that it would be best if I killed myself. I'm almost 54 now and it still affects me. Nasty jokes: 'he was a planned baby', 'how did we create such a weak child', 'I look like a girl'. I was humiliated and ridiculed in front of others and my character purposely destroyed before I met anyone. I worked through it my whole life. There's no getting over it. It haunts me.
A huge huge virtual hug all the way from rainy Netherlands. I hope life is treating you better now ❤
My heart goes out to you. It seems that narcissism may be only one of his issues. Grateful that you found courage to persevere.
My narcissistic father called me dummy all my life. He would take the belt to me to stop crying. I learned to get beat, hurt, and keep quiet.
Thank you for sharing your story. It takes courage to open up about such experiences.
My narcissistic father told me to F off after I finally set boundaries. He ultimately xpst me my relationship with my kids mum. I'm 31 I was robbed blind and had all my time stolen by the man
I'm so sorry to hear about the difficult situation you're facing. It can be incredibly challenging to set boundaries with toxic family members, especially when it affects your relationships with loved ones. Stay strong and remember that you deserve happiness and peace.
i’ll never forget 1 day before my 17th birthday when my dad slapped me and called me into his home office and made ME APOLOGIZE for HIM slapping me. He thinks i forgot, but i will never forget it.
I remember i was only maybe 5 and I said something in public which i don't remember it must have shown some weakness or something and he started to crush my hand so tightly because i was holding his hand. I remember being in so much pain in my hand but I couldn't do anything because it looked normal father and daughter holding hands. So traumatising
A much kinder approach
Seeing innocence
Under bad behavior
A young autistic girl
Scared and frustrated with life
Angry and lashing out
Understanding and compassion go a long way in helping someone in need.
Can you discuss bipolar, highly sensitive people who grew up with a narcissistic father? That’s me. Unfortunately, I ended up marrying a narcissist (16 yrs) and marrying another (23 yrs) who had those traits. I finally divorced #1; #2 divorced me. I’m still staring down feelings of deeply-seated abandonment & trauma. If I could understand a bit more of how my childhood affected me, I’m hoping it may be easier to heal. ~ thank you.
Read a book called 'I'm OK, You're OK' It'll help.
I'm concerned that my boyfriend is a narcissist and that I'm subjecting my children to the narcissistic abuse I dealt with from my mother. He's classically authoritarian which is... less than ideal, but not the end of the world. But he's overly critical and seems to REACH for an opportunity to correct or criticize the kids. So when they are not doing anything obviously wrong he gives unnecessary correction, criticism or makes extraneous demands.I really didn't suspect narcissism until i called him out for basically picking a fight over an imagined problem and he was ready to die on that hill rather than consider the possibility that his behavior was inappropriate....
Do i just throw the whole relationship away?
Yes
Yes! Get away now for your sake and the sake of your kids
I would leave, he’s likely only going to get worse if he can’t even admit when he might be wrong. My last boyfriend wasn’t a narc as far as I can tell, but he did seem to insist on being right most of the time, or would offer unsolicited opinions that contradicted mine. That’s nothing to do with why I split from him but I sure don’t miss it!
Yes. They don't change.
Throw it away. My ex used to do that to my autistic son and after getting my son in a melt down state, punishing him (or trying to.... I wouldn't allow it if I were there.) He would do this to try to control me if I didn't do what he wanted me to (Like take a second mortgage on the house so he could have a fishing boat or a camper when we were barely making ends meet.) Your kids, not being his kids, are in danger physically and they are already being damaged emotionally. I feel for you, I hope you are able to care for the kids without him.
Now i realize why I could never have children.
I didn't have kids, no offense, so that Dad could not hurt another generation!
My sibling and i didn't have children either.
Sooo my step father is screwed, I am a Psychopath... Now I get it why he's always mad around me, I can't be controlled. To make it worse for him, when he tries to control me, I do my best to embarrass him in public😂
I watched this to quality control myself as to what not to do.
It's great that you're using this video as a learning tool! Self-reflection is a key part of improvement.
As always, this was a useful and informative video Dr. Fox.
Very Helpful advice and there are many things I can relate to in what you're saying. I've like and subscribed. Thanks for your help!
My FIL set about telling all the doctors caring for my dieing MIL that "all his kids are registered geniuses" They all, with the exception of the oldest girl whom sees him for what he is, thought he was finally proud, finally noticing them. That hope from them broke my heart. I saw it for what it was; him bragging about his being the sire of four geniuses. The four geniuses were not relevant. For the record non of them are geniuses. Smart? Yes. Mensah, Rhode scholars? No.
My evil "dad" has left a 30+ year history of misinformation.. lies etc. And of course his generation of uneducated elders all think what he says is the gospel!
@@infinitycosmos4723 omg, I remember listening to my a-dad as a kid and even then thinking it sounded like he didn’t know anything. A-mum’s ironic nickname for him was “The oracle.” Kinda sad but funny at the same time as it’s so ridiculous.
If you confront them, they act like you are attacking them.
My father would laugh at me when I was hurt.
I recently figured out how abusive both my parents were and am separating my life from them and they are trying to destroy 20 years of my work and not reimburse me for over a million dollars I have invested into that business and just take it from me.
I woke up with a jolt at 5am with the thought 'you're going to die soon' ringing through my head. This is the worst time of my life.
This is abbreviated but my father once set me up by coming around to my house and saying 'I have to talk with you in confidence.'
'Ok, sure?'
'I can't stand living with your mother and brother anymore.'
'Well, if that's how you really feel you shouldn't stay in that situation.'
He went STRAIGHT home to my mother and brother and told them I told him to leave them and what a terrible person I am.
My dad made fun of my brothers girlfriend committing suicide, it was at that point that I realised just how toxic he and my step family was. How can suicide be made fun of? Also he refused to take my brother to the morgue to spend that time with her body. My brother has cut him off completely and I keep them at a distance!
My Dad has never phoned me, ever! However his wife does phone but they put people on loud speaker and make faces to make fun of people they're on phone with. I don't call them and mostly stick to txts now.
I’m sorry
My father met every single one of these traits. Oof. I was called weak often as a child for crying when he was belittling me or when he wouldn't listen to me when I was begging him to stop hurting my mom or when he didn't show up to an event I desperately wanted him to be at. I blame him for a good majority of my mental illnesses. 90% of my therapy sessions are talking about him.
I'm sorry to hear about your difficult experiences with your father. It's important to address these issues in therapy.
@@DrDanielFox I've been working on it for a good 6 years. I've made a lot of progress, but I've still got a long way to go. Thank you for the validating comment! ❤️🩹
I'm glad you mentioned both sides, I had committed o. A video that had Isolated men once but am not sure if I mentioned in that comment that I can see how some things mentioned were things my son had to deal with. Unfortunately through his childhood he was the one in that I never came back and said how bad I felt about it to him after the fact even when I would to his mom. I always wanted him to be tougher than I was and never understood how my behavior was damaging until I started looking into things like narcissistic traits and bpd, and have pushed him away completely trying to push talking about how many are what I recently started realizing I had dealt with in my life without a way to understand or describe. The gift one applies in a few ways, I sold a 4 wheeler when he was young because he wouldn't go out and work on a trail, and the one when he was older because he didn't want to take over maintenance, after his mom and I broke up his mom told me he wanted a custom fishing rod so I got him that. I did tell her it had had their top parts built on it.. I hope he likes it and gets use out of it. It wasn't to buy his love, I get that from my parent, it was the first Christmas gift I got him that wasn't split in a long time. I liked this video.. I personally resonate with all 9 bpd criteria and definitely can identify that I tend to have narcissistic traits with it. Thank you
An increadibly helpful and informative video, Daniel. Many thanks for that as usual. It would be really interesting to see those traits in narcissistic mothers with all the overlaps and differences (if any). Look forward to seeing your new videos.
this is EXACTLY my father.
You can’t set boundaries with a narcissistic parent, they just see boundaries as something to be crossed. I personally think no contact is the only solution. They will literally ruin your reputation with twisted stories, rewriting history etc. everything becomes a no win situation when they sense you setting a boundary. If you set a boundary they go to covert retaliation and go after your child, never leave you children alone with them. A child does not have the language to express covert mental abuse.
I had to leave home tonight because my father's anger is escalating and don't feel safe. Too confrontational and when I set boundaries, he say I'm spoiled, want to take over and who do I think I am
All of the symptoms are present and keeping one's distance may be the only way to deal with this kind of problem. One of the additional issues is that the son is only of importance inasmuch as he reflects the narcissistic father. The son becomes "mini-me" and will not be valued if he deviates from the perfection of the narcissistic father.
Thank you for sharing your insights and shedding light on this issue.
I left for another country to escape mine. 20 years of bliss.
Thank you for sharing your experience! It's inspiring to hear how you've embraced a new life and found happiness abroad.
These traits I have experienced and am still experiencing in large amounts as the ex wife of the narc. I haven't seen any except LOVEBOMBING directed to my daughter, our daughter technically, as a child or now as a 30 y/o adult and believe me I keep a lookout, its innate. What hurts like no other is that my daughter believes I am the monster that possesses these horrific traits. It blows my mind how he was able to pull that off. He did so knowing he had to hurt her to get her to believe these things. No wonder why he ran from me as I hunt him down yelling at him to stop, you are hurting our daughter. If I even try to tell her the truth she shuts me down and treats me like I'm just bad talking and gossiping. There has got to be a way to get it in her brain. Too many years have been stolen from us...no more waiting.
All the above, I was the scapegoat in a very narcissist abusive family. I'm 63 now and dad passed away from suicide at 94 .
It's very difficult for me to explain about my narcissistic father because very rare among us knows what narcissim is. So people around me thinks it's just a common father trait to correct me. Infact he always mocked me pulled me down whenever I want to grow
Ive always wondered why my dad acted like this while i was growing up now i know his label.
I've heard it all. After my divorce, I never talked bad about my daughters father to them, he however had plenty to lie to them about me. Because of the toxicity, I have no contact with any of them, my choice for my sanity. 😊
Thank you for your video. 🙏My question is what does one owe to the narcissistic father?
My ex was a narcissist and my daughter married a narcissist. I did not know how to protect her or raise her awareness to this as I didn’t know what it was and how to deal with it. Now that the children are all grown but struggle to live in their own and my daughter is starting to care for herself he has found a girlfriend which puts him back in control of her. Now he works on playing his daughters against their mother. The daughters are twins therefore he has not been able to break their bond like he did with his sons
Funny how I can recognize every trait of his personnality. The more I'm aware of his behaviour the more I despise him. I'm 43, musician, and since teen days, he never came to any of my concerts, only once to brag around "he's my son." To attract the light upon him and to show the crowd he's a careful father. But yes behind the scenes was nothing like that.
Every time now I try to have a conversation on the phone, he shuts the conversation down to himself or postpone our talk "I'm busy, call ya later"...And guess what he never calls back.
SIr, you just explain the dynamics of what I experience whilst growing up. A Dr Jekel and Mr Hyde persona. Very traumatic experience. Unfortunately, it is inherited. Yes, I did seek help and it was bloody hard to recover.
I'm so glad this video was helpful for you. I wish you well.
Thank you.