Your Show Makes Me Question My Marriage
Вставка
- Опубліковано 3 жов 2024
- Your Show Makes Me Question My Marriage
Send John your questions. Leave a voicemail at 844-693-3291 or email www.johndelony.... We want to talk to YOU!
Learn how to change your thoughts, change your behaviors, and change your life. Subscribe to the Dr. John Delony’s show!
www.youtube.co...
As heard on this episode:
BetterHelp - bit.ly/3seoBCe
DreamCloud - dreamcloudslee...
Hallow - www.hallow.com...
Thorne (25%Off Orders) - www.thorne.com...
Get John’s Questions for Humans Conversation Cards:
bit.ly/3wkym67
Twitter (@johndelony)
Instagram (@johndelony)
Facebook ( JohnDelony/).
“This episode is sponsored by BetterHelp. Give online therapy a try at betterhelp.com/Delony and get on your way to being your best self.”
The Dr. John Delony Show is a caller-driven show that offers real people a chance to be heard as they struggle with relationship issues and mental health challenges. John will give you practical advice on how to connect with people, how to take the next right step when you feel paralyzed, and how to cut through the depression and anxiety that can feel so overwhelming. You are not alone in this battle. You are worth being well-and it starts by focusing on what you can control. Let us know what’s going on by leaving a voicemail at 844.693.3291 or visiting johndelony.com/show. We want to talk to YOU!
These platforms contain content, including information provided by guests, that is intended for informational and entertainment purposes only. The content is not intended to replace or substitute for any professional medical, counseling, therapeutic, financial, legal, or other advice. The Lampo Group, LLC d/b/a Ramsey Solutions as well as its affiliates and subsidiaries (including their respective employees, agents and representatives) make no representations or warranties concerning the content and expressly disclaim any and all liability concerning the content including any treatment or action taken by any person following the information offered or provided within or through this show.
If you have specific concerns or a situation in which you require professional advice, you should consult with an appropriately trained and qualified professional expert and specialist. If you are having a health or mental health emergency, please call 9-1-1 immediately.
Ramsey Solutions Privacy Policy
www.ramseysolu...
![[UA] NAVI проти G2 Esports | Blast Premier Fall Final](http://i.ytimg.com/vi/QWlIm4FGESQ/mqdefault.jpg)
For me it's the opposite. I like to listen when I'm mad at my husband and then I'm reminded how wonderful he actually is 😅
Haha. Me, too. 15 years going strong.
That is so healthy of you. Like these women are so ungrateful lol wait until they're out there in the single world, women out here searching for a good husband, while she's beating hers down. Also, there's a man shortage. Statistics show there are more women than men in the world. Also, there's women out here literally fighting for men 😂 it's a jungle out here.... I ain't fighting for nobody! These chicks are crazy 😂 kudos to you for knowing what you have, continue to treat your man like a King.
😅😅😅😅😂
Hahaha. Cuute. 😂 And that just made me really happy for you. Sending prayers that you two always stay wonderful like this together!
Same . lol
Her nervous system is in a state of flight or fight because it knows deep down that her marriage is “off”.
Thats not how the nervous system works
That’s exactly how it works. If you’ve never been in such a situation as a woman, you don’t have a right to deny or invalidate someone’s lived experience
@@bbl2019 I totally agree with what you’re saying 😊however, I think it’s helpful if you put I think or I feel or imo.. people can’t jump on you or dispute your feelings, people are always gonna dispute the facts, even if you feel like your feelings are the facts. Even though they might be, it’s just, well, you know what I’m saying, you seem like a self-aware person. Love to you and ignore others who think they know it all ❤
@@avvery8593explain please? 😊
@@avvery8593I think it’s true his the body keeps the score.. it sounds like her body is picking up on cues..
Popcorn ready
Fr
😂
😂 4 realz
Yes
Sprinkle on some Parmesan cheese. Thank me later. 1:56
The people calling her out of her mind maybe haven’t been deeply hurt by someone you are suppose to trust. she’s wounded, and her behavior is actually pretty common. She’s not insane, she’s not borderline, she’s been hurt by the one person who she’s suppose to be able to trust the most. I totally wish no one has to go through what she has gone through. Cheating for that long is devastating.
Exactly. She is what happens with a cruel person uses a good person. This is what true or real betrayal looks like.
Or they are smart enough to never trust anyone.
How does the saying go again, “fool me once, shame on you, fool me twice, shame on me” thrice? And for 27 yrs? Anything after that is insanity!
She is insane for staying!
He watched porn 3 years ago, which 86% of men watch at least once a week, and she is getting so triggered that she is starting fights. It's one thing to have negative views on it, and to have an agreement not to engage in it, but to lose your sh*t over it because you listened to a show full of horrible advice is bat sh*t crazy. The woman is nuts.
Her: I should be over it
Also her: I'm still with the person who did it
Obviously she's not going to be over it, she's going to be hyper-vigilant at all times.
I have not watched the video yet I only clicked on it because of the title. I have the opposite experience, I listen to so many of these episodes of the show and I just keep thinking man, I love my wife so much. She is so good in our relationship is so good compared to all of these stories. Not trying to brag, I'm sure we will have issues as all couples do, but we are both pretty good communicators and have done a lot of the things John tells couples to do in relationships
You should brag 😂 it's good of you to share because it shows you love her, and it shows other people that good relationships exist!!
Thanks for sharing. It is nice to hear some good stuff. It helps us keep our optimism
Same. I had a very tumultuous first marriage which taught me what to avoid and what to look for. Second husband now for almost two decades, we're 100% all in. Cheating does not cross my mind, trust him fully. It's just peace, friendship and love. Don't excuse other people's bad behaviour by saying they have a "good heart and good intentions" while they "mess up" and cheat. They're big boys and girls, time to grow up and treat you right, if not, they're out. There's other people out there that will respect and honour your relationship.
So nice to hear! Congratulations to you both.
Hell yeah Blake you’re the man
even if he never cheats again, he doesn't cherish her, she feels like an after thought. how miserable that marriage for a woman to feel unloved.
Ugh, it will be 2 years in a few weeks, since I learned the same about my husband of 23 years. It is still just as heartbreaking as it was then.❤
You stayed in the relationship because he said he would change?
@@wowskaterchick no, I have stayed because a few weeks before I learned of his issues with porn/voyeurism, I had another seizure which resulted in a new diagnosis of a new frontal lobe venous angioma with epilepsy. Not as life threatening as my prior AVM diagnosis but it has resulted in a rather profound trauma response in me. Not to mention my father, who lived with me for the 10 years prior, passed away shortly before as well. I guess it's just been too much all at once and as a special treat I am 45 and beginning perimenopause. 🤦🏼♀️
@@sarahalderman3126I’m so sorry. You seem like a lovely woman who didn’t deserve it. To much at once. Are you still with him?
This was how I felt in my marriage. He tried gaslighting me that I was paranoid from my past experience of being cheated on, but my body and nervous system knew the patterns were too identical for it to be just “paranoia”. But I was so trauma-bonded that I tried gaslighting myself.
Holy therapist buzzwords
For me, One night stands don't "just happen."
There has to be a lot of steps to "happen" before it actually happens and it all starts in the mind.
If you reject the notion in your mind, that's it. That's the end.
Then you don't go over, joke around, have drinks, walk to a private place, go into a room, undress and then have it "happen".
Those are a lot of steps. A lot of chances to say no. A lot of things that "happen" before sex "happens".
People who think it just happens (no offense but it is offensive) have zero self control in the mind and lack of foresight.
Two of which I'd want in a partner.
So what this lady dealt with is way beyond what I would lol Dude must be special to her or something.
💯
Dr. John has said things along this line before; but I absolutely agree with u, not him. One night stands don’t “just happen”. It’s so inconsistent with his other messages. I think if he put himself in the shoes of a person whose partner had a one night stand, he wor not say “that happens; I have empathy for that situation.”
Exactly why would you stay with this person unless you are accepting of infidelity in your relationship. They always do though and believe the world when it's simply not the truth.
I think John referred that often there is no ill intent when stuffs like this happens. You may not feel appreciated by your spouse and not be aware how to communicate this or that you should. So when someone gives you a lot of attention, you are drawn by this person. You start by lying yourself that it's just innocent flirting, that you won't sleep with that person, etc. until things happens. And it is a lot easier to do that when you feel lonely in your marriage.
But gaslighting and deceiving your partner it's a different kind of bad. It's premeditation which makes things a lot more complicated.
And regarding the last comment she may also be too attached by the guy. He didn't really have an affair with another woman so she can lie to herself that it is not that bad.
I also wouldn't be able to continue a relationship with someone who cheated on me. So I have a lot of respect for those who do that and have a happy marriage in the end.
@@sfappetrupavelandrei I still disagree. A drunk driver kills a family driving home. There was no ill intent but the damage is done.
Just because there's no ill intent doesn't make the situation more or less forgivable. It's still wrong.
I'm aware many people don't work on foresight or analysis. It's still wrong.
There's still a whole lot of sequences that happen before sex actually happens even if one person is lying to themselves. Ya still have to go somewhere private, take off ya clothes, put condoms on, and whatever else.
Whereas if you work on foresight, before the whole thing happens, you can say no.
There's still chances to say no even when wanting to fantasize about others. It all starts in the mind.
That's why Job "gave eyes" to God and Jesus said if you lusted with your eyes, you already committed adultery.
The world has us believe we are a bunch of bumbling animals with no foresight. We see, we like. When really, I believe even scientifically, we can control where our mind goes. And we can choose what we like.
I get her. I understand. I share her history. 25+ married here and things just came to light the last year.
29 years and husband drops a bomb on our anniversary this year
Her husband could also be lying to her face, sadly. Maybe her radar is going off because there really is something rotten in Denmark. I feel so badly for her.
THIS!!
Yeah because if she stayed then why would he change 😔
She wants him to love her. ...natural. Some people are not able to love you even if they want it. Ask directly, do you love me? Because when someone loves you, you know. And when they are just kind to you, you know.
To be honest. This show has made me realize I probably won’t get married. I wanted the whole kids , husband thing. But seeing women being cheated on and men talk about how they have cheated and lied but still “love” the wife has scared me straight. I’m 29 and I am accepting that maybe it’s okay to just be single. It’s awful.
This is a selection bias. People with stellar marriages don't call in, why would they? Anything in life that yields a lot of fruit also holds a lot of risk. Career, relationships, parenting.
@@plamondonworks6948 Thank you so much for saying this. I needed to hear it more than you know. I wish you blessings in love, money and years of life.
For me my goal in life is to be extremely happy in a relationship or extremely happy single.I think I'm definitely going to try and find my person but if it doesn't work out I'm willing to choose myself and leave I refuse to be miserable in a marriage if I'm not happy and he's cheating or whatever I'm leaving.😂
@@plamondonworks6948ooop! This comment is a wake up call. The algorithms for all my social media send me toxic relationship stories/examples, I may need to take a break lol
Don't stay single. Marriage and kids are worth it. But you need to have three things when you choose someone to marry: same values, respect for each other, and make sure you marry someone who is emotionally mature. If you get those three things, you have all the ingredients. Then get dr. Laura's the proper care and feeding of husbands. And he wouldn't cheat if his life depended on it.
Ugh, grew up in a house like this. EVERYBODY KNOWS. Secrets keep us sick and I am doing my best to live an honest life and stay true to myself and others.
I have a tip for you that has worked wonders for me. It's called the crazy stupid clause. I tell everyone I'll listen to anything you want to tell me about and keep anything secret that you wish to keep secret, right up to the crazy stupid clause. If you tell me something that is crazy and/or stupid Then I'm going to give you a 5 minute headstart to go tell whoever needs to know before I get there. Because I will tell them. This does 2 things. First it will keep you out of the crazy/stupid loop. Because that loop is crazy making and like you said makes us sick. Plus the people around you will know that you are honest. My friends know when they are hurting they can trust me because I definitely didn't know beforehand and just decided to not tell them what was going on. Or conversely that if I come to tell you something I'm telling you what was just said to me. No filters no time lapse. This has been very beneficial in my life. You seem the type that could benefit from this too.
"What ails me?" Dr. John: "The truth."
Man, I was all "we're okay(ish), we get by, we're good". And then I started watching Delony show. And now I'm "what a %$*£ mess I'm in!" I almost wish I never started watching it in the first place.
Anyone else go around their day asking "What would John Delony do?" 🤦♀😂
No.
YES
Yes 😂
27 years of betrayal. I don't know that that's forgivable. How do you even change after so long.. knowing you'll probably be forgiven if it happens again, I mean it happened for years and it was okay.
As someone said: forgiveness is not for the other person but for yourself. So if you can forgive easily others, you should cherish this gift. Because it will allow you to rest at night.
However forgiveness doesn't necessary mean that you remain in that relationship. You can forgive someone yet still divorce that person and cut out any contact with him.
@@sfappetrupavelandrei Ah, the forgiveness is necessary for the forgiver myth. You can move on and recover just fine without putting yourself through the emotional contortions of "forgiving" someone who never really cared for you.
@@vaska1999I don’t think anyone who truly understands forgiveness sees it as a black and white, you “must” forgive to have peace situation. Most people think of it as a tool you *can* use in your healing journey. Sometimes we are holding onto resentment that we could let go of and be free. Sometimes we aren’t. But even if we are - and would be better off by forgiving - we can heal without it. It’s our journey and our choice. A lot of times it’s well-meaning people sharing what worked for them. But for sure none of us is in a position to tell someone else what they HAVE TO or even should do. We are all just trying to do our best. Sometimes we aren’t doing very well at it. Especially me. 😂
@@jahbern Yes, sometimes it's well meaning people sharing what worked for them, and sometimes it's manipulative, ideologically driven therapists telling people they CANNOT and WILL NOT heal until they've forgiven their abuser.
I know someone who was sexually abused by her father and then browbeaten by her therapist not only into forgiving him but into resuming a close relationship with him, in which the sexual abuser felt free, since his daughter had forgiven him, to stay for a few days at a time in the apartment she shared with a friend, where he'd parade around in his underwear. The sexually abused young woman was thus being repeatedly re-traumatized because she'd bought into the notion that her own well-being depended on forgiving the incestuous father and letting him violate her boundaries over and over again in the name of forgiveness and psychological healing.
@@vaska1999 oh hell no. That story makes me sick. It’s the same thing as when weird church people insist abuse victims follow the Matthew 18 process. No no no. Just no. I’m a Christian, but I can recognize when fellow Christians weaponize religion. And these are examples of that.
I am not in a love relationship with anyone but I still have learned a ton of things about relationships watching/ listening Dr. John's show.....one thing that really opened my eyes is that so many people went into marriage with the wrong person and stayed for the wrong reasons....
Me too.
@@bockhoch Me too!
Me too
I wish this show was around before I got married 😭
“It happens” and “I have empathy for that situation”
Me: no, it doesn’t. And I fucking don’t.
I was surprised he said that like that.
“My body is telling me your not safe”
Thank you for this statement.
It’s a way to know whom to give a chance for a relationship and if the alarm bells are ringing loud whom to not give a chance.
Betrayal runs deep
You are only the victim the first time your partner cheats on you. Second time around you are a volunteer. Leave after the first time.
Great in theory, but the caller and many others commenting only found out their husbands were serial cheaters after being married 25 years.
I love his show it shows me how to keep boundaries and stand on business in my relatiioships. It's also a great comedy releif😅😂
This doesn't sound "fixable". I would leave and start a new life for myself, but that's me. I don't see any happiness for her on the horizon. I wish her the best of luck.
Over porn?
She is older and probably thinks she'll be lonely.
@@thematrix3663 I am seperated and it is lonely 😅. The alternative of him being horrible selfish cheater is also bad. So they're both bad choices.
The ONLY benefit about being alone is that I have my integrity okay?!😅
@@thematrix3663 I agree that could be the case. She doesn't know that things will be better without him. I see that a lot. Sad.
"Starting a new life" isn't always all that appealing. No one wants to be Mary Richards aka Mary Tyler Moore Show after their Baby Making Years are over.
The reason why she is triggered is because this man betrayed her for the entire marriage and completely shattered their marriage.
She knows she should leave but doesn't want to for whatever reason.
I don't believe he has changed at all.
Finances? Fear of being alone?
@@rejectionisprotection4448 it's more than 20 years, she been married to him for longer than she actually been single. It's comfort, it's what she knows. Not easy to walk away like that, because you have to own to yourself that the person you love just threw out your entire youth. Zero respect, zero consideration for their relationship. That's tough, not always about money or loneliness, it can be, but it's way beyond that.
@@hellequinm Yes it must be tough. It's also the sunk cost fallacy, but also not wanting to face the grief that will inevitably ensue if the marriage ends.
Love the letter idea!! She sounds afraid of him leaving, perhaps he has told her "you're nothing with out me" given she already admitted to him gaslighting her.
If she had to ask him, that is all she needed to know.
This is why I am no longer married and have not been in a relationship for over 20 years.
Yea, watching porn and flirting with customers while his wife is getting fat at home. All man today watch porn, and its your fault, not becase you are getting fat as soon as someone put a ring on your finger but becase you clapped to all those girls that went in to the porn industry "you go girl" "its her body she can do whatever she wants to". I'm myself also watch, but I dont have a wife and I'm trying to quit becase I believe its harmfull to me and society. Chears
You’re wasting your years. Maybe all the men YOU dated were cheaters but all men aren’t cheaters. Go, live life, be more selective and form a new relationship with someone special.
I get it
I don’t think she’ll do anything differently. It’s too scary for her. This has been going on for so many years. She deserves better. I hate it for her.
First 😅be sounds like the pervert I was married to. Was married 35 years. Found out the last five years he was cheating with both women and men.
I filed for divorce. Once a cheater always a cheater. I’ll be single the rest of my life.
That once a cheater; always a cheater saying is NONSENSE. People change. People become better over time. Are you the same perfect person as you were 20 years ago? I’m sure you’re not. No person is perfect and no relationship is.
@@FaithFallRepentGraceRepeat people have flaws, ok. And if they want they can change them. But about cheating, no not really. It's a deep down problem what maybe 1% is willing to change. It's a question of integrity and character which you have or don't have ...
@@ireefree2024 If you can lose integrity & character, you can gain it. And if you can gain it; it’s not 1%.
@@FaithFallRepentGraceRepeat I don't know about losing and gaining integrity all that often. It's a very deeply ingrained quality, as the other commenter pointed out. I think you underestimate just how much work and self awareness it takes to change such a fundamental aspect of yourself. And I don't know how much more than 1% of people who lack character when it comes to long term cheating and lying to their spouse, have what it takes. They might get there if life catches up with them, but it won't be of their own volition.
You will be marriageFREE! Ahhhhh! Make it a positive thing because it is!
Triggers are our sign to face those problems head on until they don’t hurt anymore ! Cry it out until you can’t cry anymore !!
Unfortunately, he rarely gives advice for women to be accountable and make an effort to work on themselves. And when he does; he doesn’t stay on those points.
Dr John asked her could she trust him and she responded with the answer to the question she asked her husband. Wtf? She said YES! Immediately. "I asked him if I could trust him and he said yes 100%" Who tf wouldn't say that? That doesn't mean it's true! Also I'm sure most manipulators would pray with their spouse, that also means nothing. If he is cheating at least he's trying to make her feel secure about it ...I guess.
Most times they're praying they don't get caught.
Exactly they all say you can trust them and they all will pray with you as well. He pretended to be someone he’s Not for 27 years and all the sudden he’s a new man. NO
Betrayal trauma is very difficult to come back from. Please seek therapy from a trauma specialist. This wouldn't be cured if you were to get with another man. I agree with Dr John, you have to heal -- both of you. ❤
What's happening is normal. I was abused by my dad, I knew he'd done it to my siblings but never thought he'd done that to me. Our third child was a girl, I walked thru the open bathroom door when my husband was washing our 4 yr olds massively long/thick hair while she was bathing and had a breakdown. My mind felt like it broke, I screamed at him, cried when I saw a normal everyday situation. After a week or so it passed but I was different inside, any show on abuse I cried "for those people" I thought. Little breakthroughs such as where did we live when I was 4 yrs old popped into my mind, what was going on with my siblings. I began the walk back to when I was 4 and went forward until Jr. High realizing I was crying "for ME' when watching those shows. That was over 30 yrs ago and it still hurts to be honest, I've dealt with feelings of what's wrong with me that even my father hated me so much. I'll never be who I would've been had it not happened, but this experience gives me tremendous insight into what it looks like when a child is being abused in today's world. I'm always going to be on guard about children. If you have questions then you need to find the answers no matter how much it hurts, you are worth the truth from your husband!! I can tell by the sound of your voice you still aren't sure, don't live a life that way because you are worth more than that.
One thing that was missed here is the fact that not all customers are going to appreciate the inappropriate flirting...and there may one day come a sexuaul harassment suit his way. Whether from a customer or a coworker or anyone subjected to this that does not reciprocate it or find it flattering. At this point, the ladies who flirt back are less of a threat to your livelihood than the ones who don't. Maybe getting fired would wake him up to this being his problem and not yours, but most likely it will just be another burden for you to carry for him.
He was making up a scenario about what his behavior could have been like. We don’t actually know if he was flirting with “customers” John even said himself he was using it as a example. The point of the message isn’t exactly the people he may or may not be flirting with in front of her but what she’s seeing and how it effects her. 😅
Of course, though I am not sure who is missing that? Its an obvious factor with perverts like this guy.
@@poik247 She said herself that he was inappropriate with clients.
Love the Killers shirt
This is quite literally my marriage only I found out just before our 22nd anniversary and the latest affair was with my sister. Unreal how heartless and cruel men are.
men are cruel but your sis is an angel because you dont need 2 to tango?
Double whammy! Blessings love!
If you believe that about all men, then you should always expect it and be prepared to accept it.
@@diggernash1 I should have written “Its unreal how heartless and cruel some people can be”. Sorry, I should have thought a bit harder about my word choice.
@@anibaldamiao alright, I didn’t mean to attack all men, nor do I have some kind of anti male belief or anything like that… I should have said something along the lines of how cruel people can be to each other.
I don’t give either of them any more credit than they have both earned. They didn’t do it to me though, they did it despite me and our children.
she has to take time to heal.
i've been through this.
took me 6 years.. before i thought i could trust him again.
1 incident.. (i couldn't reach him within 10 minutes after he told me he suddenly had a to go to a meeting an hour later)
bam.. .. gone was the trust
the following day i just blew up..
very very angry..
even throwing stuff down the stairs..
i didn't know i could be that angry
since then he is loving, caring, and doing all he can..
pffffffffff.. its hard
Wow, brilliantly analyzed, Dr. Delony! You're good! She is still with the person who cheated on her so any show about cheating triggers her. That's why I could never remain with a person who cheated. Life's too short to live in that space of worry about the other shoe dropping every day. What is a 6 on the aces? How about she tell him she needs the password to his phone? Delony, what is that word on your shirt about?
Its a pop band's name.
Now I'm more anxious than ever about getting married and dating. So many things to look out for in a relationship. 😢
Don't be...but just know that u should be very very intent and cautious of who u are hooking up with...it's not a game u could possibly ruin what coukd be a blessed, joyful and peaceful family life!! 🤗
She's triggered because subconsciously she knows she shouldn't stay with a cheater, she's angry at herself but instead of feeling guilty, she lashes at others.
Just bing watching the videos thinking that I'm so lucky for not being confronted with such a mess ... being alone is a good thing and it doesn't means being lonely. I'm really sorry for this lady. Her whole woman life is gone, those years can't be brought back.
Super SAME!! 🎯🎯🎯
Experts say this show is saving my marriage
“I asked him to Cherish me”…?Come on lady life isn’t a Disney movie
IKR
Thats not an unreasonable want from a conflicted marriage of 27 years
He doesn’t respect her, time to move along
If she cherished her husband he wouldn't be whacking off to porn. 😂
@@tcggggg Yeah, but would YOU actually "ASK" someone to cherish you? I know I wouldn't. When you have to ask to be cherished, then it's already doomed.
Triggers bring up things people need to learn to talk about rather than avoid them we have all these terms to wrap around the situation without tackling it
This woman's situation makes me sad... She's not being honest with herself. She has been very very traumatized by her husbands and faithfulness... And she is also not reaching deep inside of herself.And loving herself first. My personal opinion is that she needs to separate from him and work on her own healing... She needs to stop worrying about whether he is being unfaithful and instead focus ufinding herself again in all of this pain... If.
There is some physical separation, She doesn't have to be repeatedly traumatized by his lack of attentiveness toward her and her lack of trust toward him. In time, I believe she would be able to see the situation more clearly.And then either return to the marriage stronger or terminate the marriage... She is in the driver's seat and yet she is not doing anything to advocate for herself... I wish I could give her a strong pep talk and tell her to put her chin up and start looking out for herself
Dang! I feel this so much!
Thanks for covering both sides of this John. My wife and I have been stuck in this for 7 years. In our situation there were no affairs, only pornography. But her Church based recovery group keeps telling her that I am not in recovery unless I"m "cherishing" her, even if I have given up everything she's asked me to.
Time to look into core healing.
I forgot to mention. She has asked me to flirt with her, however when I do she says things like "I don't like that kind of flirting" or is completely unresponsive. It leaves me feeling sad and empty because I want to connect with her and desperately try but she keeps being told by her recovery group that what I'm doing is wrong and that true connection comes "inside the temple" or "at church"...
Sad and confused
@@therevoman take control over your marriage and home instead of relying on a ‘recovery group’. Look porn is horrible and disgusting. You obviously did do something bad. As the man of the house you need to lead in every aspect. Including morally. You failed your family when you engaged in porn and your wife’s respect has obviously shattered. All in all though there are levels of sin, and you didn’t physically cheat (Thank God). Take control of your wife and life. Tell her to stop going to the recovery group and that you will lead your household righteously! Show her and tell her to respect and trust you and that you will lay down your life for her just as Christ did for his church. But that she needs to also follow your lead for you guys to continue forward happily in this marriage. The past is the past. You can’t change that. But just from the short text it seems like you are so ashamed of what you have done that she is leading you in her justified emotions vs moving on and her following you as the strong husband you should be. Best of luck!
Bruh wtf. I dont know what kinda church this is but in most churches the wife must trust her husband as the leader, not to be listening to a bunch of busy bodies telling what the man has to do, It Will cause cause stupid situations like this. You watched porn, realised It was bad, and stopped. And what? If you cater to this "group" instead of leading ur screwed. Also f that flirting, If u want her attraction Just work to be better in aspects of life without seeking approval. U didnt commit any crime. Move unnapologetically (and she Will like that btw)
When a woman is hurt by a man her admiration turns to disgust and it a takes a miracle to change that you could be the best guy in the world and you'd still look like a creep to her when she is still holding on to the hurt she'll have to learn to trust again which is hard because pornography is just cyber cheating and a woman will still despise you for it even if she says it's ok or forgives you for it
Wow she is punishing you for something you cannot undo. I suggest you get a counselor that is not from her church. Go to a couples therapist and talk about how her support group makes you feel like you’re having to cater to their view of a perfect relationship .
My husband used to do this and we moved on and I’m sorry she is still punishing you.
Great show today!!!!!
Honestly, these shows should be slightly triggering to anyone; relationship or single. This show should be a guide to checking in on your spouse/partner and yourself and ALWAYS know that something nefarious could be going on that you're not aware of, yet. Remember, we are flawed humans and things happen.
I see two times flirting her with someone and I just confront her, it hurts but it works like warning and to let your partner you are under the radar. It’s not easy but way better than dealing with things when already happened behind your back.
Does anyone know a marriage that hasnt gone through some sh*t? Cheating, drugs, alcohol, etc.... its about what you are willing to deal with, work on, or be done. Everybody in a relationship deals with some type of crap. I choose solo life but that aint for everyone either
I do know of some people who have had smooth sailing because the husband is so super loyal. And my own one set of grandparents were the perfect married couple as well. They were so in love even in their 70’s we’d catch them kissing in the hallway. It mad their kids nuts- lol. Only their firstborn daughter had that type of a marriage. the rest of their many kids had more fiery, fiesty marriages. Their first son- my dad was a genuine evil psychopath and my parents marriage was a nightmare. It was so awful that I could never trust men enough to get married because I saw all the red flags. It’s a rare thing to find males who are so completely trustworthy but even I do believe there are some out there. Mostly I am also not attracted to that more calm, submissive type of guy. I am excited by dynamism I guess. I’m not the only idiot locked into that pattern BUT at least I know not to marry a potential cheater.
@@beastshawneeI see many long relationships my parents 54 years, Aunt and uncle 56, sister over 20. But like I said some sh*t. My dad cheated on mom once, sisters husband was on drugs for years and they split but never divorced before he recovered and probably about 10 years sober now. I did over 15 years, never married, I loved him but never was in the delusional state he would be a good father and didn't want the legal ties. Over due to him becoming a slave to alcohol. Single for probably 7-8 years now and unfortunately I really enjoy it. I'm very self sufficient, he was a contractor and I have Biology degree, I learned many skills in my failed relationship.
I don't believe that he stopped cheating.
And she knows he hadn't.
So, there you go.
I've heard Dr. John say before that a one night stand or a miniature affair is a mistake, and a problem that can perhaps be navigated for a marriage to go forward, but it's quite another matter when it's a lifestyle, something that has poisoned the marriage from the beginning, and is a crutch for the one participating in the mass infidelity. This husband sounds like the latter. There's work to be done to restore this relationship from the flatline it has been for almost three decades, and it will mostly have to be him doing it, before she can even think of trusting him enough to put in any more effort herself. This will have to be very closely supervised by a highly qualified and experienced marriage counselor. The husband must provide not only his word--which up to now has been fertilizer reject--but genuine accountability for each action, and the receipts to match. I pray that he's willing to put in the work and stick it out. If not, I hope he's not too selfish to let her go.
exactly, working through an instance where the person is truly remorseful is one thing, but here its past the point of no return
The triggers in this situation I believe will not be removed until she files for divorce. Her body knows nothing has changed, and he hasn't done the work to change, and she hasn't been strong enough to put up appropriate boundaries with him. She won't because she knows if she does, he likely won't adhere to them and she would loose her marriage. She does not trust him for good reason. Her body is not deceiving her it is trying to lead her to safety, her anxiety comes from fighting it. Not wanting to hear it's truth. I personally feel that situations like this could benefit from a separation. A period where she requires him to SHOW in tangible ways growth and development and a chance for her to see she can develop a healthy life on her own regardless of what he chooses to do. This is frustrating to see a woman who has lost so much power to a man and is essentially at the mercy of what he chooses to tell her. The words mean nothing. I agree with John (flip phone, change of career, counseling) if these things are not willingly done, she has her answer period. Many disordered men want the benefits of a wife and will string them along for a lifetime while they deceitfully continue on with their dysfunction.
Agreed. Her body is constantly in fight or flight mode so leaving him will most likely be the only option to not be triggered anymore
The triggers won't go away even after divorce. The only difference is that she won't be exposed to him daily. But every show, every book, every magazine will trigger her. She is suffering from trauma. Most people don't get traumatized by affairs but for the ones that do, it's years and years of this if they work on themselves to heal. He cannot heal her. He can only provide a safe space for her to heal into and heal himself to prevent this from happening again. I didn't hear any physical affairs in the conversation (maybe I missed it) so he is most likely only suffering from low-self-esteem, people pleasing symptoms and imposter syndrome in a bad way. Probably stemming from childhood. If he can get over that properly, then the benhaviors will stop. As for pornography, she needs to get over her repression probably induced by religion since she mentioned god at the end... It's her issue, not his. She is jealous of 2 dimensional people, probably wishes he acted this way with her but most likely dead bedroom syndrome in there as well.
@@ElimEx1You had a very intelligent take on her issue. I agree that she has to do the work within herself. Catering to her every request will not help because she’s not getting better. The minute he stops, she’ll be right back at square one.
@@ElimEx1 He can't even provide a safe space for her to heal. He himself is a constant trigger, though this is something she isn't ready to acknowledge.
@@vaska1999 I'm not sure what you mean. How is he not providing a safe space?
Giving him all the excuses for 27 yrs! 🤦🏽♀️ I hope she continues to get triggered and take it out on him. He deserves it!
This doesn't help anyone. It only hurts everyone. She needs either to build something new with the guy and start the healing or give up on him and try to heal by herself.
Who hurt you
She's choosing to be with him even after that.
"Its ok to beat your partner as long as they deserve it" is basically what you're saying. What he did is wrong but you are just as bad for this line of thinking.
@@DaveKoehler1992 It's called justice. Fair consequence of his behaviour.
@@vaska1999 that makes about as much sense as rolling around in dog feces' every time you see it, then complaining that the dog feces stinks.
how about get away from the dog feces?
Ex of 37 years was a charmer with his co workers.
This would drive me crazy. Either leave him or do the work to get over it. Why are you dragging it around blaming him everyday when you have no intention or doing the mental work? Leave the guy if you can't get over it.
He cheated on her for 27 years. If you've been alive that long, could you even imagine the one person you trust the most betraying you in one of the most painful ways imaginable for THAT long? You can't blame her for not getting over this mental/emotional trauma yet just because she still loves and wants to be with him.
@@alexsandra7811
She had a choice to leave him but she didn't. She willingly chose to stay with a cheater. She will get what she is willing to tolerate.
@@terriesmith2616And he will get a partner who justifiably cannot trust him and is resentful about it.
You can't move forward if you're always looking back, waiting for the other shoe to drop. You have to invest in your relationship with God, your husband, (if you still want that) and friends and yourself. The pain you feel when you listened to the show is a good reminder that you need healing, so keep working for that, and good for you for recognizing that.
Let me get my coffee quickly
John having such empathy for the affairs makes me think he has committed it himself
I came to comment this exact thing. I’ve noticed some things that he has said over the time of this podcast where I go hmmm
That's a big accusation based on nothing.
@Don'tWorry...Oh, my... The guy is a professional counselor that understands peoples circumstances and knows how to consult people asking these questions.
He literally has said many times he’s never cheated on his wife but he understands where someone could be in that situation.
The some of the women here need to get help. And yes I am a woman. So people that did bad thing and made mistakes should not be understood? Y’all just bring your trauma and project on others.
This lady said "d day" she's spending too much time in those infidelity forums which are just harming her mental state. Those places are not for getting better, they're for staying anxious and negative.
I think after 8 months of questioning her, I don't think more happened. What I think and am concerned about, is that it will happen all over again, but 'it wasn't like last time...I didn't see it happening.'
I can’t help noticing that he’s always saying, “You chose this!” But here it’s just, “Affairs happen!” there times rapid fire…
“Did we used to date?” Lol
Oh I clicked this because I felt triggered at times and he is wearing my favorite band T-shirt that has a lot of memories and the called has the same name as me. 😂
I have always been one foot one foot out.
Watching porn is not an affair. Flirting with customers isn't an affair. This woman throws around these words making me think she is living in religious lala land.
Exactly what I was thinking, none of this is actually cheating, unless he cheated. Watching porn is NOT cheating, give me a break.
Its inappropriate in a relationship and its sexual energy not involving your partner. @westbccoast
Actually watching porn is cheating. You are giving someone else what you should be giving your partner.
I'm not trigged by this show, so I guess I'm good! 😂
Wait… porn is cheating?!
Damn… me and my wife cheat on each other every time I leave town I guess.
For me porn isnt cheating either. But being too close with coworkers is. Emotional cheating is still a think and it can lead to catching feelings or physical cheating.
Porn is only cheating if it's an agreed upon boundary. If both are okay with it, that's a decision yall can make together. But for others it is a boundary. I've known both men and women who would get wildly upset finding out their partner engages with porn. So it should be talked about in the beginning.
@@ck6835ABSOLUTELY!
I can't even imagine to be with the person who mistreated me like that. I have been cheated on in the past and it almost destroyed me. Then I met my now husband and it was so difficult to trust him in the being so that he had to be really careful with me. Today it's all great but when I hear stories here it reminds me how bad is was with such a person. So it's still bad, but if I imagine still being with the person who's been so disrespectful to me, no way 😮
no, you are not the only one.
Also flowers can really sing
meh
Have some damn respect for yourself. Know your value.
Why does she expect for him to buy her things to know that he was thinking of her! That's so entitled!....It's all about expectations.
She wants signs of affection and him thinking of her, and wanting to do that. He won't. Not entitled. Wrong thinking.
It takes nothing to write a note except time.. at the grocery store spend a couple dollars on her favorite candy or something. She just wants gestures that take little to no thought. As many women want and as many men do when they are trying to get a woman.
No, it’s just her love language. Nothing wrong with it-we all have ours
I’m so confused, did I miss something? She said he cheated on her but then says he just watched porn and flirted with customers. Is that what she means by “cheating?” If so, that’s just ridiculous.
That's what I was confused about. Most people I know don't consider watching porn as cheating. Cheating starts with texting to other people and hiding it or being intimate with other people but not flirting.
He had affairs for at least 27 years. Three years ago he switched to flirting with other women and using pornography.
This reminds me of going to the market w my dad & seeing all the women he took on dates
I do the same thing in my marriage. Project some of these problems on myself or my marriage. I am not sure how hard to try anymore.
Cheating is a deal breaker. The entire point of putting up with the opposite gender is for safe sex and emotional intimacy. Otherwise, you could just have fun with your girlfriends without the friction and drama that romance can cause.
Wait did she say porn and inappropriate comments at work were cheating?
Yeah I was a bit confused at that too... not saying she shouldn't be upset. I also wonder what a porn addiction is, so many people use the label on the show, is it someone who just likes watching porn or someone who cannot live without it. I've never been in a relationship with a man who hasn't watched it 🤷♀️ I'd never call any of them cheaters or a porn addict.
@@unravel2053You’re a reasonable woman for that way of thinking. Most women think it’s cheating but won’t have sex with their partner more often.
@@FaithFallRepentGraceRepeat ah see, I don't see porn as a replacement for sex either. I actually find I watch it more when I'm sexually active 🤷♀️ it's no reflection on the person I'm with, but I know a lot of women (and men) can have issues with it.
@@unravel2053 That makes sense. Women that don’t watch porn usually have a problem with a man that does. I’ve never heard of watching it more while active. I know when you have sex, your body gets used to it and wants it more sometimes. Don’t you usually want your partner more often or your partner isn’t around, so you watch it?
No.
She knows exactly what she did wrong and what she should have done. That’s why she gets triggered by this show. Truth hurts
You mean she knows what her HUSBAND did wrong!
@@Chels-fz5uq a typical woman answer. Of course men are always the problem lol. Zero accountability. Enjoy your cats chels
He’s a killers fan too 😍
I think she’s a repeat caller? She called about aging.
The most important thing she can do is focus on herself. If she plans to stay in this marriage, starting arguments and walking around like a hurt puppy is sucking the life out of both people. I don't agree with John that her husband needs to jump through hoops to prove his trustworthiness. He will be jumping forever because the issue is with her mentality at this point.
Have some self-worth, be confident in who you are and who God has created you to be and live from that place. Not a place of a broken marriage. Live from the place of trust and truth instead of waiting for it to happen again because people don't realize that by living in that state, you are pushing the other person away which can cause them to cheat again because to them "what's the point. Nothing I do is ever good enough." You virtually manifest that behavior because that's all you focus on and that's the energy you're constantly putting out.
Living from a place of confidence and self-worth is what will rekindle whatever sparks are left. If he begins to feel that you are gaining that strong sense of self that doesn't revolve around him and what he does or doesn't do, but instead you are focused on your own happiness, he will be more attracted to you because almost all men love a chase. Confidence is exciting and having your own life, meaning things you enjoy doing with or without your husband, hobbies etc, is necessary. It gives you things to admire about each other and be interested in. That's where this needs to start for your healing process. It starts with you and strengthening your self-value and confidence.
Beautifully said!
@@pipperlue why thank you! 🧡
Yeah no I wouldn't care if this man found me exciting. He would get the worst of me until my bags were packed.
This lady doesnt seem in tune with reality. Shes a push over she hasnt addressed the issue. They are not working towards building trust cause if they were she wouldnt feel like this yearssss later. The wound was never treated they just put a bandage over it and are trying to ignore the infection taking place.
🎯
Dr Johney 😅😅😅😅
Can someone tell me what the aces test is and where to find it
This whole time I thought this was the second marriage and the first guy cheated 😂
If a show triggers you, then why are you watching it ? Some people are to thinned skinned and cannot handle the truth.
There’s more than just “this show triggers me” per the caller’s question
She bored and needs to stir up drama.
John says this at 9:50 lol
@@Dark_Souls_3 we must think alike lol
@@djpuplex defines her husband the way I see it.
Did the husband get help….???? If not……..yikes
I just going to throw this out there but if he is flirting with customers it's most likely just for money lol I mean look at bartenders waitresses and strippers I mean they have to act like they actually like the guys when the reality is is they can't stand that it's a job you're there to make money when I work as a hairstylist I got so many phone numbers from guys dad would be friendly and a little flirtatious because I was working for tips so I could be wrong but I'm just throwing that idea out there
I’m confused? He didn’t cheat, he watched porn and was “inappropriate” with customers.
Sounds like he’s just not attracted to her.
You can flirt and still be attracted to your wife. It’s wrong but it happens all the time.
He had several affairs for the first 27 years of their marriage. Then, three years ago, he switched to flirting with other women and using porn. Pay attention: it's not that hard to follow.
@vaska1999 that is definitely not what she said, literally at all. He asked her "what was the nature of the infidelity", to which she replied, "porn, inappropriate interactions with customers." She literally never once said he had an actual affair on her, let alone multiple affairs for 27 years. Seems like everyone else was actually paying attention 😂
@@FaithFallRepentGraceRepeat
it happens when your husband is horny that’s why it happens and some men love the attention! Question is how would they feel if their wives did it !
I feel like if you choose to aty with a cheeter. When they cheet again, it shouldn't be a big deal. Like fool me once ya know.
She's never been with any one else because who sticks around to be a door mat. This is so foolish. 27 yrs of cheating and she can't move on 🙄 she deserves everything he does
Not that easy to do, as it is to..say. A whole way of life, being changed.
Lady if it triggers you why do you watch it why do you listen to it if it triggers you don't listen to it and don't watch it simple as that
Imagine your wife starts a fight with you because she watched a show on UA-cam 😂
Many women do that if the man isn't willing to talk to her about her emotions and get passed it. He probably just wanted to ignore that it ever happened and ignore that she found out... brush it under the rug, like many men do... for the sake of their peace. If she chose to stay with him, he should know there would be alot of reassuring that would have to occur. I personally couldn't handle staying after hearing something like that, but if I did stay because he asked me to, he would have alot of working through the emotions to do.
"Could be under the influence of something..." In California....naaaaa
What could possibly make her worth doing "anything" to keep?
Did some guys ever cause trouble in your neighborhood?