I've spent more time on the Tube than I have on the underground in my home city, so every time I do use that service I always hear 'please mind the gap' in my head in a different accent. This made me laugh so hard
Nowhere near as well as I would like to be able to but a little as I learned it for 7 years in school. You would think after 7 years I might be quite good but the way languages are taught here in the UK is terrible. We basically just learn stuff off by heart and write it down and learn a 5 minute talk for the exam. There is also a listening and reading test but you are allowed a dictionary for those so also very easy. I am not bad at reading in German and can understand listening to fairly simple German but not much more. I do plan to move to Germany sometime in the future though!
Bing bong " We're now approaching Middlesbrough, Would all first class passengers please pull back your window blinds and take a look at the real world".
We would like to apologise for the delay. This is due to the engine have a sulk. We should be on the move as soon as the Fat Controller has given him a bullocking.
Kat Df “Please mind the gap, between the timetables and reality” the video is right above! Also it’s only a good joke because he starts with something that seems likely then gives it a twist ending.
@@jesuschristonabike8878 In case you are still wondering: UA-cam sometimes breaks up individual threads in comment sections and turns responses into simple comments. Originally, this particular comment was probably a response to someone asking about the meaning of the actual joke in the video.
Bing bong! "This is the 14.35 service to Bristol Temple Meads, calling at Slough, Reading, Didcot Parkway, Chippenham, Bath Spa and Bristol Temple Meads. This train will not be stopping at Swindon as quite frankly we think it's a shithole."
My Entry. ‘ Could all passengers remain clam. Richard Madden is on board. He is not filming Bodyguard series 2. He is just traveling. No need to scream or call the police. Thank you for your understanding’
(I'm Australian and, yes this is more of a station joke instead of a train itself but still. Enjoy) "the next to arrive on platform 2 is delayed by approximately 10 mins......this just in customers, said train has derailed and will arriving shortly on platforms 2, 3, 4 and most of platform 6. If any of you want to be a train driver just pick up the keys from Sydney Trains and we'll fix up the details later. Thank you"
@@diehardrvdfan22 It causes travel sickness, but only when travelling backwards, it's a bit strange but I'm similar, I get motion sickness when spinning in a circle but not at any other time.
The hermit crab, he lives alone You can't even get him on the telephone The halibut's eyes turn up and in He don't know where he's going, but he knows where he's been Lyrics from The Glass Bottom Boat RIP Doris Day Rod Taylor and Arthur Godfrey. And many more. circa 1965/66
My entries: "(Singing) Mental wounds not healing! Life's a bitter shame, we're goin' off the rails on a crazy train!" "Wow! This my first time as a train driver. So...erm...where's the steering wheel?" "This is the driver speaking. We regret to inform you that the bridge we were about to cross has recently collapsed. So we ask all passengers could swim towards the nearest exits..."
If you look to your left, you’ll see our lovely countryside If you look to your right, you’ll see our beautiful lake If you look up above, you’ll see a fantastic clear sky And if you look behind, you’ll see the bloodied remains of that girl we just hit.
I'm surprised none of them mentioned Northern Rail (the northern version of Southern Rail, only worse). Losing their franchise was the best thing that happened to them. I'm so glad I sacked them before the whole debacle with the strikes and the amended timetables.
"Please mind the gap between the time table and reality." Brilliant!!
I've spent more time on the Tube than I have on the underground in my home city, so every time I do use that service I always hear 'please mind the gap' in my head in a different accent. This made me laugh so hard
I want to like this but i don't want to make it 667
@@ThePageofVoid What a good lad
We can’t take it as a joke here in Japan. on time on time on time
I've discovered this segment last week and can't stop watching it, please help me.
To fuel your addiction even more, have you seen the compilations of scenes we'd like to see which are over 2 hours long? :D
Adam. Oh no, that's the thing I'm going to do over the holidays.
Merry Christmas :)
NIBIZA Frohe Weihnachten ;)
Do you speak german too? :)
Nowhere near as well as I would like to be able to but a little as I learned it for 7 years in school. You would think after 7 years I might be quite good but the way languages are taught here in the UK is terrible. We basically just learn stuff off by heart and write it down and learn a 5 minute talk for the exam. There is also a listening and reading test but you are allowed a dictionary for those so also very easy. I am not bad at reading in German and can understand listening to fairly simple German but not much more. I do plan to move to Germany sometime in the future though!
"We apologise for the delay. Thomas has decided to be a stuborn little bastard."
my fav was the timetable and reality gap bit.
Jack Picko MSport I've never noticed a train being late more then 1 minute which isn't a problem to me is it only in the south trains are delayed
I’m either never delayed or horrendously delayed to the point of cancelled trains, never anywhere in between... (usually using Bristol - London line)
As a taunton resident I can confirm that we consider anyone with a mobile phone as a God.
Same
@@fortnitedude5547 Why? That one confused me.
Woooo! Wasn’t expecting to see another one in the comment section 😁 #TauntonIsGettingBig
I live right next to Taunton so yes agree pahahha
@@bethan2600 Why? What does the joke mean? I'm not near Taunton.
That xylophone gag was great.
Can anyone explain that joke, please?
+CHAL HENN Trains go bing bong and so do xylophones.
CHALK HEN
Do you really need that joke
explaining. ??!!!!!
I mean REALLY !!!!!!!!!!
I don’t find her funny at all
Troy Costa haha thanks
1:39 *bing bong* “could the owner of the missing xylophone” I HAD TO PAUSE IT I WAS LAUGHING SO HARD THATS GOLDEN
Bing bong " We're now approaching Middlesbrough, Would all first class passengers please pull back your window blinds and take a look at the real world".
Kevin bridges did that one ages ago
shit joke that’s why you’re not a comedian
UTFB
ah ed byrne is a legend.
my favourite bit was the comment about southern
same. I almost cried with laughter
It was hilarious!
It's the same with northern to be fair
Same with northern, I had both trains cancelled on the Sheffield to lancaster route last month
We would like to apologise for the delay. This is due to the engine have a sulk. We should be on the move as soon as the Fat Controller has given him a bullocking.
Things you won't hear on a train.
"We arrived early!"
I actually got told that once.
3 years on and the brexit joke still holds up
Nice profile pic
2:49 Fack yes, Acaster.
The fact I live in Taunton cracks me up
was thinking the same
Hey I’m not the only one!😂
Are you a God?
Same here 😂
this is your driver speaking CHOO CHOO! lol
2:25 Yes!!!
"Please mind the time difference between the train time and reality"
Kat Df “Please mind the gap, between the timetables and reality” the video is right above! Also it’s only a good joke because he starts with something that seems likely then gives it a twist ending.
How do you mess up a quote that’s literally right there *that* badly.
@@jesuschristonabike8878 In case you are still wondering: UA-cam sometimes breaks up individual threads in comment sections and turns responses into simple comments. Originally, this particular comment was probably a response to someone asking about the meaning of the actual joke in the video.
"You're travelling on the Sodor Railway, where we haven't had an accident in 5 day... OH, FOR FUCK SAKE, THOMAS!"
meatballguy1 *yOu HaVE cAUseD ConFuSIoN aNd deLaY*
I just want a reunion episode with Russel Frankie Andy Hugh plus David Mitchell and Milton Jones as they were the best guests just for 1 episode...
James Duff what about Ed
Ed Byrne and James Acaster as the guests
What about Jack Whitehall?
zubercharge
no
Rudran Ratnanandan but he was a regular tho
As a person who lives near Taunton, the Taunton joke was pretty funny 😂
I WANTED A SOUTHERN RAIL JOKE AND THAT IRISH YOUNG BILL NYE SAID IT THANK YOU YOUNG IRISH BILL NYE
Motion studios Ed Byrne being described as an “Irish young Bill Nye” is quite possibly the best thing I’ve ever experienced
This segment is absolute brilliance.
1:29
Trains stopped calling at Ashby de-la-Zouch in 1964 !!
I finally got the Wimbledon joke. Thank you Breakfast on Pluto.
@Eleanor Bartle put "the wombles" into Google. Or into the search bar on UA-cam.
I live in Ashby de la Zouch. And Im afraid thats exactly how everyone not from here or the town over pronounces it. Yay.
I was schooled there and delighted by the joke. Ashby de la Zoosh right!?
‘Would the driver contact the guard’ was very funny.
love the little pat on the back that hugh gave james at the end, what a pair
Hugh,Ed and James are the dream team.
Ed and Hugh win. They all win this is brilliant!
Love Rob's joke
Hello, this is your driver speaking:
CHOO-CHOO!
Thought he was gonna say "Oh don't get off here, there are children watching..."
2:49
It wasn’t to that extent but...I have heard an adult with that reaction on a train.
1:50 you could easily say the same for Northern Rail these days...
I got one. Ain’t necessarily funny but...
Things You Wouldn’t Hear On A Time - “Don’t worry folks, we’re arriving on time today.”
"This is the driver speaking, this train is about to arrive in London on schedule "
The famous announcement by Phil sayer that he say was please mind the gap between the train and the platform
“This train is a Southern service.”
"This is the driver, at the points ahead we have trouble, prepare to face music and dance'
2:00 Clever joke 😂
Bing bong! "This is the 14.35 service to Bristol Temple Meads, calling at Slough, Reading, Didcot Parkway, Chippenham, Bath Spa and Bristol Temple Meads. This train will not be stopping at Swindon as quite frankly we think it's a shithole."
Thank you everyone we’re the band Train, and we’re doing a show on a train.
My Entry.
‘ Could all passengers remain clam. Richard Madden is on board. He is not filming Bodyguard series 2. He is just traveling. No need to scream or call the police. Thank you for your understanding’
"This is the driver. WHERE AM I?"
"All of our trains are running on time"
“All I want to say is here comes the train, here comes the train, CHOO CHOO!”
Everyone on the train! Can I get a Whoo Whoo!
It's left on time and there are seats available.
LOL this picks up right after the infamous Churchill quote trifecta!
''We've broke down in the worst possible place and that's in a tunnel and somebody has threw a stinkbomb down an airshaft''
The train has gotten in an accident which made the driver very cross.
2:49 when the date’s going perfectly and she orders a cheeseboard for dessert
I like how ed lost his shit at the end
(I'm Australian and, yes this is more of a station joke instead of a train itself but still. Enjoy)
"the next to arrive on platform 2 is delayed by approximately 10 mins......this just in customers, said train has derailed and will arriving shortly on platforms 2, 3, 4 and most of platform 6. If any of you want to be a train driver just pick up the keys from Sydney Trains and we'll fix up the details later. Thank you"
You are an absolute genius.
The nest stop is Taunton, please turn off all mobile phones *lest they mistake you for gods*.
My favourite gag
My entry:
"This train will be arriving at Kings Cross 5 minutes early"
iamthestig1 It's supposed to be unlikely things you would here, not Physically impossible.
Legit living 5mins away from Ashby de la Zouch, this was funny 😂
"Welcome aboard this southern service from Brighton calling at---"
"There is a good service on the central line"
What did Wellington say to Napoleon when he saw the french army at Waterloo?
- Well you're taking the piss
0:49
This is my father
Edit: by that I mean my father doesn't like going back on a train, not he is my father-
Why does he not like it, any reason given or just a preference?
@@diehardrvdfan22 It causes travel sickness, but only when travelling backwards, it's a bit strange but I'm similar, I get motion sickness when spinning in a circle but not at any other time.
The one I expected "attention passengers, this train will be arriving early"
We are now approaching the platform at Oxford. If you are de-training here, please move to the back two coaches, as the front coaches will not stop.
“This is the 9:20 Southern Service form Portsmouth to London Victoria’s arriving on time in to platform 18”
This ScotRail service from Inverness to Edinburgh Waverley is actually 5 minutes early
2:24 the norm of most British train journeys
Already know there will be southern rail jokes before watching this
The hermit crab, he lives alone
You can't even get him on the telephone
The halibut's eyes turn up and in
He don't know where he's going, but he knows where he's been
Lyrics from The Glass Bottom Boat
RIP Doris Day Rod Taylor and Arthur Godfrey. And many more. circa 1965/66
1:44 my dinner lady??...
Sitting backward does feel weird though!
:)
0:56
Lol, I can recall an off peak express ticket from Bedford to London of 10bob, oh my I am old. LOL
Wait this is the train we’re riding? I thought we were riding on Thomas the Tank Engine
Please mind the gap between the timetable and reality - classic!
Enjoy your flight
"Oh, the train's early."
I recently slammed the car door on my fingers. It reminded me of James Acaster's comedy!
I will give up all my worldly possessions to get frankie boyle back.
Just ain't the same without Frankie
Oh no! More subtle and witty humour as opposed to in-your-face and offensive jokes? You poor dull-minded person...
oh ffs
It's been 8-9 years now. Come on.
Prefer Hugh, Ed and Andy humour over Frankie plus others get a look in now
Nah it's better
I love the Wimbledon Wombles joke😂😘
”And your train is on time and arriving”
southern trains is running on time
Id love it if my train driver just said "Choo choo!"
Lmao I live in a neighbouring town to Taunton so the Somerset accent cracked me up.
The train will be on time.
"Plenty of seats on this one Mr Corbyn".
Peter Green #smearwegoagain
This train will be departing on time.
Should have said:
And the train will be arriving on time today
Southern rail is so true
If a train leaves london at 9am travelling at 90mph and a train leaves aberdeen 11pm at 110mph where will they meet? This is very urgent
2:20
Im from Taunton :)
My entries:
"(Singing) Mental wounds not healing! Life's a bitter shame, we're goin' off the rails on a crazy train!"
"Wow! This my first time as a train driver. So...erm...where's the steering wheel?"
"This is the driver speaking. We regret to inform you that the bridge we were about to cross has recently collapsed. So we ask all passengers could swim towards the nearest exits..."
And that's why you're not on mock the week :)
I wish someone would have said ‘welcome on board this southern rail service’
"If you've watched runaway train you know how this ends"
If anybody knows how to drive a train, please make your way to the front.
If you look to your left, you’ll see our lovely countryside
If you look to your right, you’ll see our beautiful lake
If you look up above, you’ll see a fantastic clear sky
And if you look behind, you’ll see the bloodied remains of that girl we just hit.
I was expecting "If you look up above, you'll see a fantastic clear sky, as the roof has come off."
Boy does that crossrail joke feel prescient now
And one and two and one and two and one and two. Come on I’m training you here.
"This is Crossrail" a joke about Crossrail 5 years before it opens...maybe
I'm surprised none of them mentioned Northern Rail (the northern version of Southern Rail, only worse). Losing their franchise was the best thing that happened to them. I'm so glad I sacked them before the whole debacle with the strikes and the amended timetables.