When your narcissistic mother doesn't deserve a holiday
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- Опубліковано 9 тра 2020
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This video discusses the dilemma Mother's Day poses for survivors of a narcissistic mother. Namely, whether to stay in contact with your own experience of what your mother was really like vs the cultural mandate to 'honor they parents' on this day. 2 strategies for how to approach this day are also offered.
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How many people are here on Mother’s Day looking for other people who have abusive mothers that don’t deserve it? 👇🏼
I'm here a week early, lol
Every mothers day everyone around me and on social media is like "moms are the best, love your mom, praise the ground she walks on". It makes me sick. I just want to tell them that its stupid to assume that mothers automatically deserve that praise.
I know. I also just think, oh these ignorant people. They know nothing about how dark a mother character can be.
Yes and you rarely see the same for Father’s Day. Just because someone birthed you doesn’t mean they’re a good person or a good mother. I hate how people act like all women who have given birth are to be worshipped.
Yes ma'am, facts!
YES. The worst part for me is getting an appropriate card because I refuse to play the game. I think her feelings get hurt by HUMOR cards that aren't mushy but she's lucky to get that. I get angry on any holiday like valentine's day too when i'm forced by family expectation to go to the local card shop and play the game..it's all about appearances then if you show up enpty handed it's a problem for the scapegoat...never the golden child. the goden child never lifts a FINGER for anyone and is on a pedastool....
Exactly. Giving birth does not automatically mean a person will love or care their offspring. We all can testify to this truth, regardless of what the media wants to push on us. I hope the younger generation speaks up to the media about how this artificial belief perpetuates the abuse we suffer(ed).
"Ungrateful, after all I did for you..." is the classic.
All part of the shaming campaign
"It's all about you, you are being selfcentered" is also a classic one.
The greatest gift my altruistic narc mother gave me was when she was on her death bed. I had travelled about 8 hours to see her, and within 30 seconds she was screaming at me to leave. She said I was "useless" among other things...
As I left the ward, I could still hear her screaming the length of an urban hospital away. It made it clear what my lifetime of trying to support her amounted to. No ambiguity... perhaps the first time in my life that I saw such passionate, open, honesty. I hope she rests in peace. It will be a new experience for her.
ALL of my brothers and sisters and most of their husbands wives and kids, meet me w contempt and hostility because My mom did, she taught them and they taught everyone else.! Signed , the scapegoat.
Hugs
I think we have the same mother
It's all about entitlement- you owe me and it's never enough and never right
Whenever I was having guy troubles which was of course was a lot because I was always attracting narcissistic men due to being groomed and raised by a narcissistic mother, she would tell me the story about a woman who went to the bank to open up a savings account. They explained to her how it worked was that she would deposit money in the account and then when she needed money she could go withdrawal from her account. So after depositing money many many times she found herself needing some extra money so she went into the bank to withdrawal and they told her I'm sorry but you haven't put enough money in here to get any money out. You're going to have to put more in. So you kind of get the jist of the story.....never enough. It took me years (50) to realize that this was my mom actually talking about herself.
Terry Mathews~ Hugs
They think they own us and have the right to abuse us, after all, we wouldnt even exist without them, thats the skewed logic from these retards.
Ignoring mother's day and psycho mommy since 2006.
As a former scapegoat never in my life have I called my mother on mother's day
My narcissistic mother would ruin any holiday or special occasion in my honor
I went no contact with my mother 6 years ago and I’ve never felt such peace
To this day she tries to ruin my holidays by insulting me or my children
The aging, lonely Narc mother becomes even nastier. My siblings all love her so its hard to be the only sibling who saw the light and got out. I’m the scapegoat and sought therapy. My siblings look at me Ike I’m mentally disordered. It’s such a difficult life to be ignored all over again
I hear you. I went NC almost two years ago and am also the only one who saw it and got away and am in therapy. To my family, I’m the crazy one. It’s hard but I can now see all their ways of treating me as less than and the scapegoat. It’s always been this way but now I truly see it all.
Thank you for sharing. It’s hard being the only one in the family who gets out. Much love to you. 💕
@@blueshoes915 You two are lucky to have escaped in time (hopefully for you too blueshoes). For me, it's too late. I escaped a year ago, but it's too late to get my own family etc.
You cant be ignored if you're not looking for their attention. We have to come to terms with the entire lie our family has been and is. Then and only then will you be finished with these people.
Thank you for validating my experience. When I say that I hate my mother, most people automatically without any knowledge, trying convince me that I am wrong for not worshiping my mother. Few times I had to terminate the relationship because of it.
Great channel, cheers
Thank you. I'm really glad you found it be validating and can appreciate how frustrating it is to have people respond the way you describe.
it is true, that is why recommended not to share such stuff with people you don’t really know, it is very personal matter and no need to shock others or seek their support, because this way you victimise yourself again. By keeping such things private or sharing them only with people who are in the theme of narcissistic parents, you actually combat against narcissistic damage you’ve been through, because you kill two birds: 1. you make yourself independent on opinion of general masses, their approval, you learn how to rely on your own opinion, feelings, memories, not supported by others, you affirm and validate your side of the story, which is a problem for all victims of narcissistic abuse, gaslighted for years that they couldn’t perceive or see things adequately 2. partly confronting people with the statement “i hate my mother” is somewhat a rebellious and even self-sabotaging behaviour, because deeply down you know it will be more likely accepted as a negative fact about you and even blamed after by people who are unfamiliar with abusive parents topic at all. It is a pattern coming from being habitually scapegoated, when the scapegoated person finally does something self-destructive. Sometimes oversharing is self-destructive!
good luck on this journey, eliminating narcissistic damage
@@vargas2046ann Thank you for all that you wrote. Very much needed ❤️
Yes, I’ve just started saying I come from an abusive family if anyone asks me anything relating to my mother. If they want to know what we’re doing for Mother’s Day or really anything about my relationship with my mother, I just simply say that I come from an abusive family and leave it at that. Most people don’t push if you call it out as what it is, abuse but if you say you hate your mother, it’s confusing to most people. I only share that with close people who can handle the truth. As Brene Brown says, “not everyone deserves to hear your story”.
I hate my mother also.
Much love to you. 💕
@@jreid-heal-narcissistic-abuse Z
My mother thinks every day is mothers day :-]
My birthdays (even milestones) and holidays - nothing from her or her golden children. My life threatening health items - nothing. Abuse, intentionally hurting me and sabotaging me, destroying any of my belongings she could - and the list could go on ad nauseam. And the media tells me I'm supposed to send a card? Open your eyes, society.
I hear you and get it wholeheartedly. I never knew why I'd get sick every year on my birthday until I found out my mom was/is a covert narcissist. Now it all makes sense. What's crazy is that people who have never gone through a narcissist relationship will never understand how we feel. It's impossible. The narcissists are to good at what they do. So hold your head high, stick to your guns and don't look back or for validation from others (unless they've been through it and get it) because it'll just cause you extra anxiety you don't need. Hugs
@@bubblywaters3116 I need to reread your comment daily. Thanks.
You sound as pissed as I am right now.. and u have a huuuge right to be ❤.
Just don't let it sabotage your right to joy.❤❤❤❤
@@bubblywaters3116and there's nothing worse than someone trying to make sing songs excuses or reasons for understanding them just a little bit.
Maybe this..? Did you consider that?
You waste yr time and energy w this crap.
Thank you, I have always struggled on this holiday. It felt confusing, toxic, and I felt shame when I saw her face and just remembered the violence. Im tired of the honor only going in one direction. Gave myself to God and decided to no longer to be a slave to cruelty and manipulation. On that day I decided to just give him that honor for now on.
yes, having a narcissistic mother, it is baffling and suffocating on Mother's Day to suddenly pretend together with other siblings to celebrate and applaud her like the fake ideal 'fairy tale' mom image when she wasn't at all. It feels so uncomfortable and yet the other siblings will attck in a gang when the scapegoat doesn't conform or the scapegoat have tried hard but couldn't just put on a 'show'.
I finally came to a place this year, where I trusted myself and celebrated myself because from the time I was 3, I was my own mother, and at 5, I became the one watching over my younger brother.
My mom was angry the entire week after that, but I don't care. She sucked and I allowed her to have the uncelebrated Mother's Day she deserved.
I bought things for myself that I wanted.❤
It's interesting how people feel about me not recognizing my "momster" on Mother's Day. It's as if I'm the worst daughter on the planet. What they don't get is that no matter what I do to recognize/celebrate my " momster" will only bring pain to me and power to her. Me trauma/her elated. And it's not onlyon that day...it lingers. I've been no contact with her for two and a half years and I don't plan on breaking my record.....even though she tries and tries through any method she can.
She's a sad sadistic person and I want nothing to do with her.
Thank you Jay. I was neglected and deprived of emotional reinforcement because of my Narcissistic mother who was in turn abused by her alcoholic dad. At the age 0f 18 I left home and the country I was born in and never went back. I was so tired of being made to feel guilty when my mother was actually very needy. I'm 70 now and only just starting to feel free from all of this.
Oh yeah the guilt trips at such a young age
It's terrifying the internalized guilt.
Dan Pictish...you are brave and lucky. Good for you. I'm sorry it lingers for so long. I understand. Traumatic for sure. I'm pretty sure I'll never forget either. I hope your life was fruitful and super fun! You deserve it.
@@bubblywaters3116 Thank you. God has been there for me in many ways!
@@bubblywaters3116 Thank you. God has been there for me in many ways!
I love buying a card with the most loveliest words and writing inside how wonderful she is and handing it to her, she literally cringes, you can see it on her face how gutted she is. The latest thing is she says, oh don’t worry about Mother’s Day cos she knows she’s a fake
Jay, i’m still working on healing from a very narcissistic mother and an enabling father who also participated in her abuse. She’s prominent in our community, and so loved by many. Obviously they see a completely different side of her. I struggle often with feeling isolated, growing up she made me feel that everyone hated me, and she spent so much of her energy hating me and convincing everyone of how horrible of a person i was. At any rate, it is complex, but your videos are really helping me. You have a great/unique ability to articulate all of the twisted dynamics that are wrapped up in and connected to this terrible type of abuse. I feel fortunate to have found your videos. I can’t speak for others, but i imagine they are thankful for you as well. You’re truly a gift.
Same here. Mother was a popular, fun, youth pastor. She taught all the kids ILAC (I am Loveable And Capable). I saw none of it. I remember thinking "I can sleep soundly at night knowing I made all the wrong decisions.
Jay understands the real issues. It is not about the abuser... I wasted too much time on her. It's about recovering myself. I am so indebted to him.
I was always saying sorry , sorry mum, sorry, I love you, sorry mum...then I got ...STOP SAYING SORRY 😢
Yes, it was too sincere for her black heart to bare.
Wow, on the holidays I always feel alone. I'd rather be alone that be with my Narc mother. I am currently no contact!
LOL you couldn't beg my mother to stop her tirades or abuse. I tried communicating the hurt to her, as a child, and her response was always essentially "Good, you're hurt because that's what you deserve." Folks out there, this is not true. It is normal and good to state your feelings to the other person or let someone know you're hurt. You do not ever deserve to be hurting. I'm turning 35 this year and desperately trying to unlearn her toxic garbage.
Mother wrote me a letter and it said…..”As your Mother I deserve respect “ say no more 😢
“Reign of terror”, yes! I would always say I was terrified of my mother. People were always very confused by that, especially if they knew her (fake her anyway) because she pretends to be this loving, caring person (she was a nurse).
Omg mine was a nurse and was admired all the time. But I never ever saw that . I just thought it was bs.
@@petakucas7389 I’m sorry. It’s the worst when they appear benevolent to everyone else. You feel you can never tell anyone because no one would believe you. Very lonely.
So typical for them to hide in positions like this. They also like to hide in the Church, Churches are full of them.
My mom was also a nurse. I was afraid of her, and as kids, my sisters and I all walked on eggshells around her. Funny how they chose helping and caring professions, yet were as unempathetic to their own kids as was possible.
Lol, mine was a nurse too!
She was always told she was a great mother
This is so good. I can’t believe you are articulating this. I have been bewildered for years. Her self importance killed me
Repeated injuries... that’s exactly what I have not been able to reconcile. I have heard those sayings over and over . I was always told I’m to sensitive and that the world didn’t re love around me over and over. I’m 54 now and still can’t find my self worth. Even seeing and expressing what’s right or wrong I’m still denied any validity
Who told you that you are not worthy of self worth! Last time I checked the Bible, there was nothing like that in there.... Au contraire.
My mom said the exact same thing to me always!
My mom always told me “the world doesn’t revolve around you!!”, funny thing how I can see now that was her projecting. It’s all about HER. She doesn’t even have the capacity to grasp that others have their own inner landscape.
The world doesn’t revolve around you - my father said that to me endlessly!! Its actually a relief to hear that others heard the same thing!!
You are MORE than good enough.
Thank you so much for broaching this subject!
Whenever I have, on message boards, it gets censored out by the moderators.
Both of my parents were toxic,cruel, sadistic, evil.
But whenever mother’s day is brought up, it feels like a slap in the face for me.
My mother, among innumerable things, tried laying a guilt trip on me for the many hours she was in labor when I was born. I never had a baby, so I can’t appreciate what this being in labor business entails, but I didn’t ask to be born, especially to someone so toxic, nor do I think that babies have any control over how long the labor is. But I got blamed for that and everything else you can think of.
My significant other was the apple of his mom’s eye, and her favorite out of 6 children. He came from a functional family, so he was always pressuring me to get back in touch with my stalking abusive mother, who stalked me not only to violate my privacy, boundaries and peace of mind, preventing me from moving on and forgetting my painful past, but because she thought of me not as an individual with a will of my own, but instead as an extension of herself.
I had to really fight to get my man to understand that I was abused, even though he didn’t believe me, and to respect my wishes to stay no contact and to never pressure me again.
The following year, he took me out to eat for mother’s day, even though I don’t have children. He told me that it was because I am the adoptive mom of our cat
How sweet.
I think on that overhyped day, I’ll buy myself a nice bouquet of flowers for a Happy Me Day..
Trying to take down a narcissist would be like trying to single handedly beat the NFL superbowl winning team or the Stanley cup finalist team I the NHL.
You're NOT going to win NO MATTER WHAT.
You're going up against a TEAM OF PROFESSIONALS because when you think you're taking on just OBE narcissist you're actually going up against an entire team or colony of narcissists because narcissists are NOT lone wolves, they travel in packs, and they ALWAYS have reinforcements ready to call for back up at any moments notice.
These are professional abusers. They started refining and perfecting and mastering the art and craft of deception and deflection since they were very young.
If you tried to go head to head with one of these monsters it's like JUST trying to learn basketball now and having a one on one scheduled against Michael Jordan next weekend.
You'd have to dedicate the rest of your life to becoming an abuser like them try to to beat them at their own game but then you're just like them so they'd still win.
So get off the field, get off the ice, get off the court. TAKE THE L. Your pride will hurt but your sanity will be restored.
You LOST. But WHO CARES. Imagine being bummed you by yourself didn't win against the entire 49ers team. I mean come on. You can't feel bad about that. Those people were practically born wearing a goddamn helmet and cleats okay?
And these narcissists are genetically predisposed to becoming abusers under certain environmental conditions JUST the same as a genetically predisposed gifted athlete born in a certain environment that encourages growth of that potential.
You're like a remote control car going up against a whole fleet of monster trucks.
You're NOT going to WIN in the normal sense. You're NOT going to get them to ever genuinely love you. You're NOT going to get them to have genuine remorse for their actions. Yourenot going to outswim Michael Phelps. You're not going to outperform Simone Biles. You're not going to out run Ussein Bolt.
Let the professionals deal with the "professionals". You just do you 🤝.
my mothers favorite way to pathologize me was to call me oppositional defiant. theres something terribly wrong with you that you do not submit to my will, assaults with intent of domination, and contempt towards you. im allowed to treat you however i want "i put you in this world i can take you out". as a child these words are not humorous in the slightest, especially when they are unironic.
It's so dishonest, first of all the way people pretend all mothers are great, second of all the way mothers and the work they do are devalued all year long except for on that one day!
I dont do anything. No gifts, no call home. And a year ago when I asked if she wanted to talk on mothers day she said" no that's okay."... so now I do nothing.
Jay, your videos are especially extraordinary because of how you manage to do the following in the most clear and succinct way I've come across in the last 20 or so months I've spent painstakingly seeking as much knowledge as I possibly can on this (what can feel very isolating to victims) topic: You've validated what we've spent lifetimes feeling invalidated and confused about and summed up how painfully traumatic yet isolating such experiences can be when those who haven't experienced it firsthand just aren't able to relate whatsoever.
I really appreciate you sharing this. The ending points of relearning how to be kind to yourself is something I've struggled with. It's one of the first signs I had that my mother is narcissistic.
I wished my mom a happy mother's day yesterday because well, maybe it was just the kindness in me that got the best of me. She begrudgingly grunted at me, not even mustering up a thank you. She acted miserable and sulked most of the day, as she often does on holidays. Is she ashamed of herself? I find it hard to believe, if someone is ashamed of themselves, shouldn't they want to change? Holidays have always had an undertone of toxicity in my family, with some siblings not showing up because of having to go NC with my mom. It's not fair that we ended up with abusive mothers while others ended up with loving ones, but we don't get to pick our parents. People who come from healthy loving families likely won't ever understand out struggle, so I don't usually bother trying to explain my Nmom to them.
I am impressed when a woman or a man doesn't have children. That woman or man didn't want to pass on ancestral stuff that would pass on unconsciously, literally without them knowing. They put an end to the absolute ****** that is narcisstic abuse. The end.
Thank you.
Not sure if anyone wants to hear of my situation but mostly this is just finally being able to say it out loud.
I was adopted by my father who wanted a child and a mother who didn't.
Now me and my awesome Husband are taking care of the Narcissistic, compulsive lying, neglectful woman that I've called mom and it's hard enough. But to be forced to do Mothers Day is a line I have to draw.
She is the one who decided from Day 1 not to do anything with me, talk with me, comfort, offer advice, guidance or teach me anything. Wouldn't even take me out for walks, shopping (exception being grocery), no Dr for the constant headaches since before I even started school (along with other girl issues). Wasn't allowed off the porch till 7th/8th grade.
I spent lifetime blaming myself, feeling worthless, not good enough.
It's hell, but I'm trying to overcome and not get suffocated with the trauma and hurt she caused by seeing her daily and even more terrified of it affecting me & my husband's relationship.
Your mother will definitely try to get between you and your husband. She will "triangulate" you both so you must be aware and also talk with your husband about this. If at any point your mother speaks badly of your husband and he is not in the room to hear this, you must say "hmmm.......let's call my husband and see what he has to say about this". Your husband needs to do the same when your mother speaks badly of you and you are not in the room. Do this every time and she will realize that she cannot "pit" each of you against the other. I can almost guarantee she will try. Guard you heart, do not react in an emotional negative or positive way to anything (keep "grey rock") and take care of each other. I'm so sorry you have to take care of her. If there is any way to get out of it do, you owe her absolutely NOTHING. I hope you found this helpful.
@@purpleturtle7477 Thank you so very much for the reply, I can't express how important to me it is.
You are absolutely correct on the triangulation, Mom has been doing her best on that but in a passive aggressive way in a innocent, childlikefashion. I never realized it till much later in life but she did this with my Dad too, that's why she would always stop talking when I entered a room (even as a child) and just stare at me till I left the room, always making me feel like I was intruding. I'm not talking just a few times but ALL the time. She didn't want me to hear ANY conversations between herself and Dad, yet I was never able to hang around with Dad without her being there. Even talking on the phone (she only really talked to her 1 brother) she would go so far as climbing under the counter, again, ALL the time.
I have talked with my husband a bit about her and her antics but didn't tell him everything because I wanted HIM to see and catch the things she does for himself. She will use the "don't tell her I asked" or the "don't tell her I said anything, it will only upset her" lines she has successfully used for decades before.
I do want to Thank you for that important advice because sometimes in the midst of trying to get through daily life, things like triangulation can be forgotten and ruin what is a very happy, satisfying, loving life with a husband I do adore.
May you always be showered with love, good health and a true happiness.
@@purpleturtle7477 And yes, I will absolutely follow your advice, will write it on a post it note so I can be reminded daily of that grey rock.
This is empowering and always needed. Thank you again.
@@karmashim3971 Your description of her triangulation is perfectly described, very covert and "innocent" looking to those who are unaware of what is really happening. Most of us do not think like that, so the narc is able to pull the wool over our eyes, basically she is a "wolf in sheep's clothing"; always the victim, always misunderstood. I'm glad to be of help. I've done a lot of research in figuring out my own confusing childhood and if I can help one person to avoid this nightmare (it truly is incomprehensible to others who have not lived it), then I have had a good day. Take care and thank you for your well wishes.
@@purpleturtle7477 You are VERY helpful 🙂
I do think it's always going to be a journey filled with potholes and dead ends however as long as we keep fueled up and take care of ourselves we all can navigate it safely, without too many incidents.
I wish you well on your journey 🙏 with plenty of happy highlights to soothe your soul.
My narcissistic mother always expected a Mother's Day card, lilies at Easter, etc. As a child, I provided them, but I always just wrote, "Happy ___ Day." I couldn't lie and say she was a good mom or I loved her. On my Father's Day cards I wrote actual messages, and even poems, of love.
Thank you Jay, you explain all of these things with a clarity that nobody else has. I've been blessed with a husband who chooses the card we give to my mother on Mother's Day and her birthday. It's just so heartbreaking looking through all the loving ones, and I'm so grateful for his help. He chooses one that only just says the right things, such as 'I hope you have the kind of day you deserve' 🤣😂🤣 Yes, she dares to expect adoration on these days, even more than every other day. You nailed that one!
Thank you for this. I have so much pain when I even think of how my mother harmed me all my life and that it took until 39 years old to fully understand how she enjoyed harming me. I had to catch her in the act of whispering how I didn’t cry real tears in my husband’s ear. I had to be shown secret group texts where she told a dozen people in my life that I intimidated & manipulated my husband. She told people that my mother in law’s boyfriend didn’t assault me. My oldest son & my neighbor saw him assault me. She was believed and my sons were wrongfully taken for five months and assaulted by my mother in law’s boyfriend. They tried to institutionalize me. The whole group chose my mother’s lies over my own life & my sons’ lives. It’s been so traumatizing to not be able to protect myself or my children from violence. The police even believed my mother & my mother in law, over my husband, my sons & myself. If anyone reading this is in such a scary & violent situation, don’t stop telling people what’s happening to you and your family. Don’t ever give up in protecting yourself & your children from such abuse. One day you will be believed & the relief in that moment is like a wave of Amazing Grace. I was fortunate to have two wonderful therapists who were an ex-cop & a veteran. They helped me see that not all authority figures are as violent as the ones I had in my own life up to the moment I found such kindness. To those out there feeling like the world is crashing down around them, know that you will get through that pain and be on a different path surrounded by kinder people one day. Hold on to your Hope. One day you will be able to protect yourself & your children from violence.
this is a neglected topic that needs to be addressed more thoroughly! The worst part is that other people simply do not believe you when do you describe what you experienced to them, and even blame you for not worshiping her! More than once my own mother would call my employers to tell them what a rotten person I am. The biggest challenge was to try to explain it all to them.
Thank you for this. It is hard when the culture venerates motherhood and we've had sheer hell from them.
This Mother’s Day I decided to change things up….my daughter is away at college right now so I made reservations at my favorite sushi joint for myself lol. I have sooooo much guilt for not asking my mom what is going on for her birthday and Mother’s Day (they are only a day apart). I always get criticized, ignored and constant comparing to my successful sister, who also happens to be the golden child. I think right now my biggest struggle is the amount of guilt that I have pulling away. Working on that now but it is ROUGH. Thanks again for your extremely helpful content Jay! I love your channel so much.
Even though my mother is one of the most manipulative, cruel ppl I've ever known, I still don't hate her. .. but I hate Mother's Day ( I still go through the motions in a very tempered/detached way in order to avoid a painful backlash.) I do not like any holiday in fact because they were always so stressful and painful. I feel for anyone dealing with this. I'm in my 40s and I'm very alone in my life but I 1) have not commit suici*** and I 2) am a compassionate person. I consider that a success given the circumstances. Even though my family incinerated the ground I walk on, I am still standing. I am still alive. If you have a pathologically difficult parent on these days, then celebrate you. I think that's excellent advice! If you can't find love around you , then seek it within by being patient and gentle to yourself. More great advice!
The truth is most mothers are good but there are some who are dangerously deceptive and sadistic...with not a motherly bone in their body. They are the greatest actors. Maybe they should have been actors instead of mothers. Let them fool the world. You have no control over that but don't let them fool you. You are valuable and worthy of love and respect.
peace to your heart
Imagine this scenario, you know your mom is a narc, you have gone no contact at least 4 times, you have done the work, came to a point in your life that you were actually able to forgive her, you decided to learn methods and tactics to set strong boundaries and manage your narc mom in an effort to reestablish your relationship because you are now strong and wise enough to be able to mitigate conflict. You are planning a special Mother’s Day for her for the third year in a row and she sabotages her own day!!! My story today. From a perfectly pleasant day with laughter and conversation, the narc was on good behaviour since the boundary tactics worked well until today! She creates a HUGE conflict from absolutely nothing. It’s absolutely maddening. Why?! So there you have it…a Mother’s Day gone wrong.
I was treated like an enemy and sabotaging my creativity... kind of always hostility and NO closeness or empathy but an artificial 'love'... I'm disarrayed often at age 34... uncertainty and expecting emotional pain
I’m dealing with the same, I’m deleting them all it’s painful yes! I would like to go back to my art and life without them constantly bashing me and my creativity! It’s your life, live for you!
I “gave myself permission” to stop gift giving when she loudly and repeatedly rejected my Mother’s Day gift (one that I had allowed myself to be vulnerable about giving-it was a book of essays from daughters to mothers-I want to gag just thinking about it, lol.). She pushed it back to me, asking over and over how ever could I have thought that she would want something like that??? Over and over, she repeated that line, like a chip in her brain had short circuited (she did develop dementia, so maybe that was a symptom). Anyway, no more gifts. I still send flowers though, and every year I pray this THIS year will be the last.
In the bible where it says to honour your mother and your father, the next verse says 'Parents do not provoke your children to anger'. Guess none of us here have to be held to the first part then.
Great point!
Florists and retailers market Mother’s Day w a fantasy that creates obligation, longing and sadness, followed w emotional let down.
@Dominique • truth!!...last time my oldest sister tried to get in a blow-up argument with me..she yelled out you always make it about you!!! I was soooo confused because I rarely spoke about anything personal about my life with her (learned not to trust that) ..so I shut down & got quiet. So the last/final time she came to visit, I was on observe mode. Acknowledged that I needed to figure out if I truly was selfish..she came to visit my mom to help her move...so I was there as the extra support & help. Sure enough..my sister ONLY talked about her, her family, her and my mom, my mom & her awful marriage, her job, her issues, her husband...not ONCE did she even ask me how I was..what I'm up to..what Id want to do with the new changes... It's been like this my whole life...I have been so dumb to dim myself into non-existence so my family could be the energy monsters that they truly are.
Child of an altruistic narcissist here. You're right on the money here.
@ Jay Reid and community... What I do that works for me is it is now a day where I have it dubbed, “ Being my own best friend day.” My situation is different as my mother has Alzheimer’s so there is not a return on investment at this point in life. I sent her a card but it was a simple card without a lot of fan fair. Her caregiver does not collect packages sent to the mailing address out of state (the care giver is a 1/2 sister) she grew up to be just like her mom... a full blown narcissist so...Another example that works is indifference. I hope this idea helps someone else who might benefit.🤔✊❤️🇺🇸😜🚩⚠️👀👍🌎
After I left my family at age 23, my mother rarely called me, and when she did, she belittled me. In one of those conversations, she suggested that my sister and I split the expense and send her a hanging basket for Mother’s Day. I promptly forgot her request. Now, in my seventies, I realize how broken she was - raped as a little girl, beaten by her parents, nearly starving during the Great Depression., etc. All she ever asked from me directly was a hanging basket. I will regret till my dying day not honoring her request. Your videos always make me cry. I’m crying now. Love you Mom, fellow survivor.
My mother had a similarly difficult childhood. Poverty, civil war and patriarchal imbalance in her country of origin. I used to get her flowers but she always complained about it saying what a waste of money it was. but when she got flowers from anyone else, yes, anyone else, including my brother, she was very proud of it saying, 'Look Diana what they got for me!'
Sometimes people can be very confusing. It's hard to know what the right thing to do is. It's ok to be human. It's ok to make mistakes. I wish you the best! 💐
When I challenged my mom she said she didn’t remember doing anything wrong and hopes to see me in heaven one day.
When I did not greet my mother for mother's day, my dad wrote me that I did not greet her. Like it is so bad. I was very reluctant. She was obviously complaning to him.
Great content and advice. Absolutely resonated for me w/ the various mother models in my life. I personally enjoyed a fantastic Mother's Day and I don't have human children. I have 2 dogs and 1 cat. I enjoyed a lovely dinner prepared by my husband.
She rubbed a bar soap across my teeth and spanked me with a coffee pot cord if I lied as a child. So when I go to the store to pick out a Mother’s Day card they are all too nice and I was taught not to lie so she got nothing because I would be lying if I picked a nice card for her. No, she is not a nice person. Even my dad had decades to work on their personal development but didn’t and only pointed the finger.
Who else cant find anything related to cards (on Mother's Day, esp) that actually say how shitty their mom is. Period. On any holiday. Not everyones mother is a great mother...at all. Its just tiring.
I feel you, Jay. Hugs to you.
Jay, I admire what you are doing ! I think you are a wonderful person.....Thank you very much x
I kept trying to please and make her happy by her some jewelry/rings. It always felt awkward. The worst was looking for mother's day cards. Many times the day would pass and the cards were not given. The whole thing was just off-putting and stressful. Thank you for this video.❤
There are no negative feelings associated with fathers day. Mothers day triggers the guilt and other bad feelings she instilled in you. It's a bad bad day, and the world is not interested or denies your reality.
Thank you, Dr. Reid, for your recommendation to do something for ourselves on Mother's Day. It occurs to me that it would also be rewarding to thank those who HAVE provided nurturing, care and guidance -- whether other relatives, friends or mentors. Doing this can reassure the survivor that they are NOT just selfish and unappreciative by nature.
This guy is the best 👍🏽
Thank you for discussing this subject. Problem with my narcissistic mother applies not only to Mothers Day, but to women who carry similar 1st name, mother of Jesus and an overall issue of being a mother.
Could you do a narcissistic father's day version? Thanks.
I really enjoyed your video and subscribed. About a year or 2 before my mother died I picked out a mother's day card that had a double meaning for me. It said how wonderful she was but to me it was just a joke. Good to add some humour sometimes haha.
This is so helpful.
Mothers day is a creation of capitalism. And I hate it. I hate all the stage put up for that "special day" Because for me she has never been special ...
She would allways say I was not good for anything. Her favorite phrase was " You are not for even good for taking dogs out to do shit" Well...the table has turned and now I am good for everything. At 92, widow and ill she is constantly Demanding attention and putting her needs first...I battle everyday with the guilt and obligation to take care of her, when what I feel is this rage burning inside me.
Thank you for sharing. This was gold for me.
I live with my friend who divorced her abusive husband and has narcissistic parents who now live next to us without my consent. I tired to help my narcissistic friend and ended up without my consent lving next to her witch of a mother and her evil father and now she too has turned on me and I live in a nightmare. I sacrificed alot to help my friend and cannot just move easily because of finances. I feel hopeless and depressed this Mother's Day. These people instrumentaluze and infantalize my friend and she is in the dark and will not listen to me. I suffered narcissistic abuse by my family in the past. She has become her parents and has become a victim all over to her ex husband. I see things quite clearly and am gaslit and pathologized by this whole group of people now. These are evil people and I now realize my friend is too. She cannot separate and becomes their pawn. They dangle money and protection in front of her and she acquiesces and suffers the consequences and then bullies me. I am done. Getting out. But the process is brutal and the landscape is brilliantly blindingly dysfunctional. I never thought I would be in this place. I have been duped. But perhaps I had to see the brutality in another family to fully realize the scenario. Her mother constantly pathologizes me to serve her supply and avoid abusing her daughter. If I was not here it would fall elsewhere. I have had reactive abuse to this situation and have been projected on because of it. I have to get out. These people are monsters and do not deserve a holiday. But so be it. I must just keep trying to get out. I am their pawn. A release valve for the rage and anger they do not want to claim. YES! THERE IS HELL TO PAY WHEN YOU DO NOT VALIDATE THESE BROKEN PEOPLE. Being kind to oneself and being healthy in the midst of total hell is hard but can be done. Do not fear these hate mongers. Just accept they will never change, accept the blows as needed to protect yourself and make a reasonable plan to exit. I have done so for two years and am almost out. God willing, may I escape this nightmare in tact.
Thank you!!! ❤️❤️❤️
Was done? Still is doing!
Thanks Jay. Great video and very validating.
Tysm for this dear
Thank you
Thank you so much for this video. I can see it's and old one but it was helpful to me.
My mother was co co dependent but stronger than I expected she amazed ne but never left my dad. My ad was that narc u speak of but no says anything Bd about him....yes so.etimes shevdud say look sy all I did ....I was picked to be parents posed and my therapist predicted the pressure would get to me
Mother “If it wasn’t for you, I would never have married your father!”….Me “ so why didn’t you have an abortion?”, Mother “unlike you, I believe in God”…….oh and she always send me “to Coventry”……the silent treatment for years on and off, till I apologise to keep the peace
In all societies and religions, mothers are venerated and we cannot say anything bad about them, no matter how justified. I have come to the conclusion that everyone worships the Madonna.
Narcissus is a myth. The entire narcissistic paradigm only goes so far. Not only that, this is a society that is not willing to share power with women, and put many women in a fight or flight mode. If you constantly have to fight to have your needs met, that causes trauma. And yes, you do have to constantly fight in this power system.
OHHHHHHHHH...so paternalism caused my "mother" to lock me in my closet til one day she forgot me and I was close to death when my father got home and wanted to know where I was...
AND HE WAS SO WRONG TO USE HIS TOXIC MASCULINITY TO GET ME INTO COOL FRESH AIR AND GET MY TOXIC MASCULINE BROTHERS TO MAKE SURE I KEPT BREATHING WHILE HE YELLED AT HER TO KEEP CALLING THE DOCTOR....RIGHT...PATERNALISM IS TO BLAME NOT THAT SELFISH, ARROGANT COLD FISH WHORE....RIIIIIGHT
@@dotsyjmaher There are FAR, far more dead women murdered and buried in the woods than there are men murdered and buried in the woods. But keep your blinders on if you think that makes you more appealing to men.
@@dotsyjmaher my mother would lock me in the closet too....i would be scared of the dark but would see a light from the bottom of the door so i knew it was daylight...i comforted myself to know that at least there was food in there like the sweet cereal we were guarded to eat so I MUNCHED!!! Until it got dark and didn't hear any noise and a thats probably when my dad would get home and i would make sure it was safe and open the door very carefully and run outside!!!!xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo....Big. Hug.To.You. And inner peace....💖
@@Pantera22831 And LOVE to you, too,my relief was books and flashlights...people who have not gone through such weird, savage "mothering" are CLUELESS...
@@ilovekittykats7295 Oh please....you REVEALED your REAL reason for hating males as a group...."more appealing to men"😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
" SOMEBODY" has a jealous little axe to grind..
and blaming EVERY XY on the planet keeps you from looking at your deficits...
Maybe you should shower and brush your teeth.....USUALLY that is enough to attract male attention..
The whole "goddess"..male hating BS is done by losers who couldn't get a man with GUN...
I have been discriminated against by"urinate standing up" manchicks as much as by male chauvinist pigs...I have seen ALL sides of injustice....
It is ALLLLLLLL UNFAIR AND PROFOUNDLY DAMAGING TO ONE'S LIFE PSYCHOLOGICALLY..PHYSICALLY AND FINANCIALLY...
AND...IT DOES NOT MATTER WHAT IS IN THE ABUSERS' DRAWERS....
YOU
ARE
A
SEXUAL
BIGOT!!!
She definitely doesn’t
🤙👍
O awss parentLized ut did not make me strong .I miss her daily it makes me feel so guilty I wish I weren't here .ilost a great job wasn't co.petstuve too many s names at work.
Maybe you can explain to me why I got so pissed hearing what sounded like you stuttering or being fearful of addressing the reality of all that a narc mother is and puts you thru. Im being honest.
Its like watching pple walk on eggshells trying to play both sides but since the damage was done to you already theyre more afraid of pissing off the N.M. rather than boldly saying,
" You were robbed and abused and make no mistake, your mother was and still is wrong. I don't care if it angers them."
Im not pointing fingers at you and maybe I'm not alone w this type of take, but its like pple saying you were raped because you had on shorts when you answered your own doorbell in July. Maybe if you have a long skirt nearby you can grab..next time.
If you cant really defend or uplift pple who go thru this believably, you do them no favors when you raise your hand to speak. You didnt have to volunteer to speak, but you did. You just make it faaaar worse straddling both sides like an Adonis.
I get really angry thinking of kids going thru this now cuz the internet shows you everything including whn you look like youre trying to please everyone. It creates so much distrust.
Narcs love when you dont take sides. All they want is for you NOT to choose. It works in their favor.
I accept i cld be wrong but I also accept that we can do a retakes b4 posting.unless we want the 'other' side to see that we're not too hard on them Ever looked at someone who wants to make everyone happy including the perpetrator of something bad? Its why so many suffer in silence.
Like wanting to be the God and satan ast.Thats a 'win' for satan..its my take anyway.
It's what my grandmother termed as 'Everybody's Annie'..good 4 everything and nothing.
There may be a psych term for this tht I dont know. Again..its how I..I..felt watching it.
Ive seen other vids of yours and nvr felt like this.
I kept wondering if soneone was gonna attack you or was holding a figurative gun to your head if you didn't ease up.
Sorry if i offended you, but I'm more concerned about supporting the narcs victims. Its Mothers Day today..btw. 😮
So he's saying nothing? Not a solution (?)
What do you mean? He gave some ideas to do. What are you asking for a solution to?
Awareness is the solution
Thank you