What makes some people so addictive?

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  • Опубліковано 26 січ 2025

КОМЕНТАРІ • 100

  • @velvetbees
    @velvetbees 7 днів тому +16

    I think I got over this when I realized everyone has flaws that would be hard to put up with. Theirs for me and mine for them. So I started focusing on the fact they are human beings with their own joys and problems and life experience. And there is no magical person who can make us happy. People are just who they are. Not who I want them to be.

  • @tofuluvrr837
    @tofuluvrr837 17 днів тому +63

    It's a big relief to hear that limerence can happen from mixed signals. I've been limerent 1.5 times, with the half being that I realized I was intentionally trying to recreate a limerent state with a new person for the "high" and pulled the plug once the light turned on in my brain. While I do wholeheartedly believe that ultimately our feelings and actions are our own responsibility, I can't help but feel that the first person genuinely orchestrated a maze of mind games for me to get wrapped up in (turns out I wasn't the only one they were doing this to either). A part of me thinks I was trying to recreate limerence with a second person specifically so that I could turn it off once the red flags became apparent, to remind myself of the integrity my Self deserves. In a strange way, beginning and stopping another limerent state has been very healing and rewarding for my sense of autonomy.

  • @horrisnorris6478
    @horrisnorris6478 15 днів тому +58

    It's worth adding that you can also be limerent for someone because they have traits that you wish you had in yourself, particularly if you have the type of limerence where you feel like you need them to complete you. E.g. when i felt rejected by my peers in school, i was limerent for one of the most popular girls in the class. When i was really anxious, unmotivated and disorganised, i was attracted to someone who was confident, full of energy and incredibly efficient and proactive. I was recently diagnosed with inattentive ADHD and realised that under the surface most of my intense limerent longing was actually about shame related to my ADHD traits and longing to be like other people. Since i had that realisation and came to terms with the fact that i can't be like other people, and don't need to be, my limerence has subsided quite significantly!

    • @DrTomBellamy
      @DrTomBellamy  14 днів тому +9

      Yes, good point. The Glimmer can be triggered by what the LO represents to you as well as who they really are. A Jungian take would be attraction to anima/animus and shadow too.

    • @charlottepeukert9095
      @charlottepeukert9095 11 днів тому +2

      I find a person, who gives me mixed signals, offputting.
      I'm quick to discard people, who're playing games. I perceive them as weird and this flirting is like a kind of deceiving behaviour.

    • @FlpSideOfSanity
      @FlpSideOfSanity 9 днів тому +4

      THIS! I fell into limerence for an authority figure after hearing him speak about his life everyday. He was brilliant. A genius, a free spirit who’d traveled the world, eccentric as hell and had a way of speaking that to me was poetry. This was always the person I wish I was, but am much to scared to do or attempt any of this.

    • @jasminebarratt1809
      @jasminebarratt1809 9 днів тому +1

      Omg, I had this realization quite recently. I realised I had limerance twice because they seemed so positive and happy. I don't get this with all happy people but I could see in my subconscious thar that's what triggered it if that's makes sense. I think it's because I was a scapegoat growing up and classed as moody etc and treated like I was a 'negative person' which gave me a subconscious inferiority complex and some kind of emotional depression. So they were superior to my inferior and that's what made them seem so amazing, but when I snapped out of it, I realised I wasn't that attracted to them really, unlike authentic feelings I've had for people. Anyway it's good to understand the feelings of inferiority. I guess I was just looking for a part of myself to heal.

    • @horrisnorris6478
      @horrisnorris6478 9 днів тому +2

      Thanks for sharing, guys! The thing of having a sense of inferiority and being attracted to people who felt better than me was definitely a big thing for me too.

  • @rottsandspots
    @rottsandspots 7 днів тому +4

    Excellent video. As a dog trainer I don’t see it said often by scientists, but mixed messages absolutely = intermittent reinforcement schedule. I use it daily (on dogs for the avoidance of doubt!)

  • @I.I6666
    @I.I6666 12 днів тому +13

    WHAT A PERFECT TIMING.

  • @beeb88
    @beeb88 13 днів тому +8

    This was such a great breakdown. Thank you for speaking slowly, and clearly, your information was easy to absorb. ❤

  • @freyahermanns3079
    @freyahermanns3079 12 днів тому +5

    How is this video so underrated?? It's the best I have seen on limerence! Thank you a lot!

  • @jeremiahwasabullfrog1
    @jeremiahwasabullfrog1 15 днів тому +7

    Great analysis. It was great to hear it broken down like this. Wish I had heard this 20 years ago!

  • @kellyscourfield77
    @kellyscourfield77 9 днів тому +12

    I’ve wondered what makes me feel this way about certain people and not others. Like I haven’t fallen into limerence with every person I’ve found attractive. What gives them that extra special thing that turns attraction into limerence.

    • @Lynn-ip9sh
      @Lynn-ip9sh 7 днів тому +8

      Mystery is the culprit. Not knowing their feelings. so you’re hopeful and creating stories in your head. The mystery creates fantasy, the fantasy creates a chase. So you dwell on them.

    • @kellyscourfield77
      @kellyscourfield77 7 днів тому +3

      @ I agree there’s a big part of mystery that keeps us interested. The bit I’m talking about here is the initial part, the glimmer, what causes me to become fixated in the first place. It’s often just on looks alone initially. I get this feeling like omg who is he, I have to find out more about this person. I’m fascinated and captivated by them. That doesn’t happen with every person I think looks good.

  • @iwillhissatyou
    @iwillhissatyou День тому

    i have this. you described me and my situation perfectly and i recognized so much; basically everything. and im very aware of it too. i hate this (but love it a little as well unfortunately). i do have a very addictive personality and am very passionate and loving which makes me ‘intense’. im working on myself and will work on this too. thank you for the great video!

  • @dsrtsnw
    @dsrtsnw 9 днів тому +7

    i love your energy and voice

  • @Ilanat_off
    @Ilanat_off 11 днів тому +4

    Such a good explanation, thank you. Looking forward to seeing your channel grow 😊

  • @theworldfrommyperspective
    @theworldfrommyperspective 9 днів тому +3

    This was so useful, thank you for taking the time to do this 🙏♥️

  • @Botoyaa
    @Botoyaa 13 днів тому +3

    Hey there! I have red your blogs a lot the last three years. Thank you for your input. It does help a lot and it's awesome, that you found the way to UA-cam. Its nice to have a face to all the writing you did

  • @luckyyyinlove
    @luckyyyinlove 12 днів тому +4

    Extremely interesting topics you’re talking about/would love to hear more about romantic relationships!

  • @stitches513
    @stitches513 11 днів тому +3

    Great video that was very informative & thought provoking! Thanks for sharing your insight on this topic in depth…I hit the subscribe button! Looking forward to watching more of your content!

  • @k.hotting4851
    @k.hotting4851 12 днів тому +8

    Thank you, I've been trying to find answers to situations I've been in during my young adulthood and I think I've finally found it now! ❤
    When I was a young adult I often found myself in awkward situations with men because they said they were in love with me. I was quite average looking, not unattractive but also not a beauty queen. Yet, I had way more of these encounters with men then my peers.
    Now that I'm older I can reflect more on my behaviour. I remeber nen saying: "I thought you were only like this with me but later I saw you are like that with anyone."
    I guess I was looking for validation from others wich made me overly friendly and interrested in them. I didn't really do this on purpose or to knowingly manipulate. I try not to feel shame about it.
    I had a friend, who was wondering this as well, say that I reminded her of a wounded little bird. That attracted men who wanted to safe me and take care of me. I guess I was representing a kind of archetype in a sense.

    • @naimasophie
      @naimasophie 10 днів тому

      A wounded little bird ? Could you give examples of your behaviours that would be seen as a wounded little bird ? I can't imagine a full grown up inspiring that to people. 😊

    • @k.hotting4851
      @k.hotting4851 10 днів тому

      @naimasophie She was probably talking about non verbal signs. Because I was a university student and had a side job. So I was taken seriously by people anyway, or at least serious enough 😀. Also, I'm a small woman with relatively big round eyes and other girly like features. Add the overly friendly and interest in people and I guess people project their idea on you of what they think you are.
      I was also brought up in a very strict Christian household with very clear rules on how women should behave. Be quiet when men talk, be humble, etc.

    • @naimasophie
      @naimasophie 10 днів тому

      @@k.hotting4851 ok when you said "small woman" I got it right away. No matter what, physical appearance do determine how people would treat us

    • @naimasophie
      @naimasophie 10 днів тому

      @@k.hotting4851 I also thought that women shouldn't show overly interest in men cause they lose interest though

    • @io-rj6sk
      @io-rj6sk 4 дні тому

      @@k.hotting4851 after reading ur description i didnt really get a wounded little bird archetype. when i think of someone like that i imagine them to b reserved and give off more of a melancholic vibe.
      so kinda interesting that u said being overly friendly made u seem 'vulnerable'

  • @chrispy_chiken9422
    @chrispy_chiken9422 13 днів тому +16

    i love when someone is only appealing for me and not appealing for many people

    • @Blissid_Waters
      @Blissid_Waters 12 днів тому +2

      Do you think that stems from insecurity, or more of a "mining a diamond in the rough"? (Honest question, I won't judge.)

    • @DrTomBellamy
      @DrTomBellamy  12 днів тому +10

      My guess would be that it makes the connection feel extra special - like there's a something unique about them but only to you.

    • @lieselottekramer2302
      @lieselottekramer2302 11 днів тому +5

      @@Blissid_Watersfor me it’s definitely mining a diamond in the rough. It’s like finally finding someone who speaks the same language in a crowd full of noise

    • @whitneyangelie3682
      @whitneyangelie3682 11 днів тому +4

      Omg I’m the exact same way! I literally find these what I call “Diamond in the rough” type guys that are attractive but also kinda average, the kind of guy that’s cute and cool but for whatever reason kinda gets overlooked by other women (he’s not a lady’s man in any way). I’ve had 3 severe crushes on guys like this and people will even ask me “why HIM??!” As if he’s nothing special, but to me I SEE him . I see things in them others completely overlook and he becomes the sexiest man on the earth lol. It’s really kinda strange .

    • @io-rj6sk
      @io-rj6sk 4 дні тому +2

      @@whitneyangelie3682 give examples of what you see in them that others overlook?
      is most of it behavioural or also physical qualities about them?

  • @jenn6655
    @jenn6655 11 днів тому +2

    Thank you so much for this video Tom, very interesting hearing about the idea of intermittent reward.

  • @tombain5665
    @tombain5665 14 днів тому +3

    Thank you Tom that was a really relative video that reflects my recent experience in a failed relationship. Initially I was attracted to this lady but was not able to work out why as this feeling of attraction has been quite rare for me. I've been open and maybe even actively hoping fir a meaningful connection. I am a secure or was a secure attacher in relationships. The lady was classic Avoidant with more underlying personality issues. That were revealed in time. The lady gave strong physical cues of interest but verbal denial. Smiles, running towards me walking and standing close arriving in my flight path frequently. It made me confused. I was having good feelings in our engagements which was amplified by the Intermitten Reinforcement of our unscheduled chance meetings. Actually she was looking to have these chance meetings. The relationship developed. However my mind was always trying to adjust to the initial limerence then the push pull avoidance dynamic. I pulled the parachute chord 3 months ago. Still trying to recover😊 Great videos. Thanks again

  • @MrTehRave
    @MrTehRave 3 дні тому

    Great points well made

  • @brooklynsbaby4367
    @brooklynsbaby4367 8 днів тому +5

    Hm, I have noticed people here and there becoming quite obsessed with me.
    And yes..., I am guilty of those "addicting" behaviors. Wouldn't say that I am hot and cold or manipulative on purpose.
    I see myself as more of a blank slate, people project whatever fantasy they want onto me.

    • @DrTomBellamy
      @DrTomBellamy  7 днів тому +3

      That's a good point, @brooklynsbaby4367. The "blank slate" can also be powerful for limerence, as people will see what they want to see, even if you are just behaving in a neutral way.

    • @brooklynsbaby4367
      @brooklynsbaby4367 4 дні тому

      @@DrTomBellamy It's very interesting!

  • @Roro-pt4rq
    @Roro-pt4rq 7 днів тому

    Woow new Topic that I never heard on UA-cam , very interesting 😍

  • @sevdamustafazad3564
    @sevdamustafazad3564 15 днів тому +2

    Thank you for sharing your wisdom ❤

  • @bennybenny7382
    @bennybenny7382 6 днів тому +2

    Hi Tom, do you think looks is the most important thing for genuine attraction? "dating" coaches always make it seem like its about your "confidence" or what you say that matters the most.

    • @DrTomBellamy
      @DrTomBellamy  5 годин тому

      No, I don't think that looks is the most important trigger for the glimmer. It's highly personal and idiosyncratic. It's usually a combination of lots of factors to do with looks, personality, sense of humour, etc. etc.

  • @zombiemolly9711
    @zombiemolly9711 13 днів тому +9

    😢 Unfortunately, I am only limerant for unavailable …. UGH. ..

    • @DrTomBellamy
      @DrTomBellamy  12 днів тому +2

      Yeah, that's a tough one...

    • @Lynn-ip9sh
      @Lynn-ip9sh 7 днів тому +5

      start falling in love with only people who treat you well. i had this i was addicted to proving myself and trying to get reciprocation. life is so much better when ur with someone who adores you.

    • @zombiemolly9711
      @zombiemolly9711 4 дні тому +1

      @@Lynn-ip9sh That would be sublime. I have ADD. I am not everyone’s cup of tea. I don’t need to prove myself. I just don’t mix well with most people. I would love to be adored. I wish writing that down would make it real. Setting my intentions, but I’m probably best off staying in my own lane, and keeping my head down.

  • @WesleyMarkinson
    @WesleyMarkinson 15 днів тому +1

    Very eye opening. Thanks for your views

  • @NelsonGuedes
    @NelsonGuedes 10 днів тому +3

    Our internalized version of a desirable mate seems to be largely cultural... I see women all the time with the same kinds of guys who always behave generally the same way.

    • @DrTomBellamy
      @DrTomBellamy  9 днів тому +2

      Yeah, our cultural background is a big influence on who we come to see as desirable. Unavoidable, really.

  • @myriamkruse4357
    @myriamkruse4357 9 днів тому +2

    Thank you! 👍🏽💚

  • @Niray_.x
    @Niray_.x 13 днів тому +5

    Is it also limerence if you see their flaws and still like them, don't put them on a pedestal and you feel like you can live without them? Like, you like them, you're really similar, the love is onesided but you know you're happy alone and you do not need them to fill anything in your life? You're just happy to see them grow and love to spend time with them? I just want to help them grow and I think spending time still benefits both of us, who am I to want to have anyone by my side who doesn't want me back? If i Love, i can do that with no condicions as long as I don't forget myself?
    Is that still limerence? because I surely am confused

    • @DrTomBellamy
      @DrTomBellamy  12 днів тому +3

      That isn't the classic way that limerence progresses - usually there is an irresistible desire that you have to fight to resist. Self-aware limerents can get to the point of overriding the limerent drive with reasoning, but the animal, desperate urge is usually still there. Sometimes limerents can seek a sort of Lancelot-like devotion to an unavailable LO, but (like Lancelot!) it usually ends badly.

  • @Bluevioletsoul
    @Bluevioletsoul 7 днів тому +2

    Very interesting. I wonder if this is possible to take place without sexual/romatic interest? Meaning just platonic, like feeling intensely drawn to a work colleague of the same gender, but not desiring them in a sexual manner?

    • @DrTomBellamy
      @DrTomBellamy  5 годин тому

      Yes, many people do experience a form of platonic limerence. It's not the classic scenario, but it certainly occurs - often for an older authority figure or mentor who isn't a sexual match but provides emotional exhilaration.

  • @etbedtalksAOH
    @etbedtalksAOH 4 дні тому

    For me, I think it is the combination of 'beauty with brains'.

  • @DingBatDaniel
    @DingBatDaniel 3 дні тому

    What makes us adictive is the capacity to talk about boring topics as if they were deep. basically, were very good at BSing around.

  • @NelsonGuedes
    @NelsonGuedes 10 днів тому +1

    I've been virtually invisible to others my whole life. I wonder if this can help me become less invisible.... 🤔

    • @sthiel126
      @sthiel126 10 днів тому

      Useing lumerince? If so, did you miss the part where he said stay away from that type of person?
      There are other, much bettercways with real rewards.

    • @NelsonGuedes
      @NelsonGuedes 10 днів тому

      @sthiel126 what type of person?

    • @NelsonGuedes
      @NelsonGuedes 9 днів тому

      @@sthiel126 that is not to say that I have to trigger limerence in others to stop being invisible. It is sufficient to trigger enough attraction to stop being invisible. The question is how. And whether it is possible or more like a cultural thing that I can't control.

  • @EriPages
    @EriPages 7 днів тому +1

    I am the tortured soul archetype.

  • @G-x9w
    @G-x9w 16 днів тому +1

    Thank you so much

  • @MindShiftChronicle
    @MindShiftChronicle 3 дні тому

    Limerence= basically you projecting on someone else something you love>>> you don't like the person but your ideas of her!

  • @naimasophie
    @naimasophie 10 днів тому +1

    Do women can have this effect on men ? It is said that men enjoy the chase so i find it difficult to believe that a man would fall into the love bombing trap. They would tend to run if a woman is too interested in them. And if that man is secure, he would simply go talk to other women if he sees a woman being distant

    • @DrTomBellamy
      @DrTomBellamy  9 днів тому +1

      Men and women are equally prone to limerence, so yes, plenty of men fall in these traps. Unfortunately for them.

    • @naimasophie
      @naimasophie 9 днів тому

      @DrTomBellamy but how ? The way to seduce a woman is different than the way of seducing a man ...isn't it ?

    • @rottsandspots
      @rottsandspots 7 днів тому

      @@naimasophiewhy do you think this?
      As a woman I have had many men absolutely obsessed with me. Successful, wealthy, professional men that you would not and were not mentally weak.
      I am autistic and unfortunately with hindsight and more understanding of myself, I now see that my honesty could have been construed as a little bit of love bombing, and my lack of understanding of emotions and that people were interested in me meant I was often unavailable. Not in a nasty way, but if someone is romantically interested and you treat them as a casual friend they crave the contact.
      You said it yourself- men like a chase. This is intermittent reinforcement- they send a message, you don’t respond for several days then say how much you have missed them. Love bombing doesn’t need to be overt ‘you are so handsome’ it can be very subtle and tied to how the person would like to think of themselves- taking an interest and letting them talk about their hobbies, asking questions about the skill involved to be good at those hobbies etc etc

    • @Doidao-xx5vf
      @Doidao-xx5vf 5 днів тому

      Nah as a man myself I don’t chase women.

  • @patgiogi1291
    @patgiogi1291 8 днів тому +1

    You describe A perfect narcissist … pathological narcissist … I knew one of them unfortunately

    • @DrTomBellamy
      @DrTomBellamy  7 днів тому

      I was about to like your comment, patgiogi, but then realised that didn't seem appropriate! Thanks for the comment, but sorry you were caught up with a narcissist.

    • @mariostudio7
      @mariostudio7 6 днів тому

      ​@DrTomBellamy what is the reasoning? I felt the same for a moment. While I was watching the video not only narcissism crossed my mind, but also avoidant attachment and other self esteem issues.

  • @ejl9292
    @ejl9292 9 днів тому

    interesting!

  • @LeandroGado-v2g
    @LeandroGado-v2g 12 днів тому +1

    soo narcissists personalities are addictive per se for their behaviour and characteristics

    • @DrTomBellamy
      @DrTomBellamy  12 днів тому +6

      They certainly are over-represented among limerent objects. Becoming limerent for a narcissist is no joke.

    • @LeandroGado-v2g
      @LeandroGado-v2g 11 днів тому +1

      @@DrTomBellamy nope its not,it happened to me but it was an eye opener and the start of my healing,so in the end i am thankful for the sleepless months and the confusion

    • @naimasophie
      @naimasophie 10 днів тому +2

      Narcissists are usually very attractive, that's why they attract in the first place.

    • @John-nb6ep
      @John-nb6ep 10 днів тому

      @@naimasophie And no one is attracted to a fat narcissist.

  • @simonschwab9021
    @simonschwab9021 14 днів тому +4

    I'm not sure if educating on this helps people understand it better or if it's just a way for people to learn how to manipulate...

    • @DrTomBellamy
      @DrTomBellamy  14 днів тому +7

      Please use the knowledge for good :)

    • @simonschwab9021
      @simonschwab9021 14 днів тому

      @DrTomBellamy A for effort

    • @bb-ij6bv
      @bb-ij6bv 14 днів тому +5

      Ignorance makes you easier to manipulate. Someone will know these things whether you hear about them or not.

    • @simonschwab9021
      @simonschwab9021 14 днів тому +1

      @@bb-ij6bv you're probably right, I don't think someone who wasn't thought this behavior by life could really use these tactics effectively anyway... I hope at least

    • @cheery-hex
      @cheery-hex 13 днів тому +2

      your comment demonstrates your fears

  • @tamelashafer8852
    @tamelashafer8852 10 днів тому

    💜♾️🙏🏼🕉️

  • @MS-ns4ki
    @MS-ns4ki 14 днів тому

    What have I done 👿

  • @commanderofkesariyaknights
    @commanderofkesariyaknights 6 днів тому

    Too long, too much explaining of understood premise

  • @DaveCollins123
    @DaveCollins123 12 днів тому

    So, basically 'limerence' is just plain old simping..... 🙄

    • @DrTomBellamy
      @DrTomBellamy  12 днів тому +13

      No, simping is how you behave. Limerence is an internal mental state.