The Science Of How To Deal With Breakups - Andrew Huberman
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- Опубліковано 9 лип 2022
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Dr Andrew Huberman reacts to a study saying that women suffer more hurt during relationships than men. How does Andrew Huberman think people should get over a breakup? Why do men never fully recover from breakups? What is Huberman Lab’s opinion on the neuroscience of dating and breakups?
#andrewhuberman #dating #breakup
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Can you please link the articles that you mentioned in the video?! thanks.
someone sounds a little burned
@@OdditiesandRarities Pfft, even casual readers of comments got burned the fire was so intense on a couple of occasions, precisely because someone typed before they watched the whole thing. 🙃
Watched the whole thing and it deviates from the main headline. Into subcategory of the topic. On a serious note I am shocked that many don’t ask this question “how does the W past experiences help her for the next relationship?” Because it’s going against the Bible on however you want to answer it. Basically anything she says would not be beneficial for the next relationship. She test the M respect or hold back on respecting the next guy.
Dont hate the player, hate the game
My breakup of a 13 year relationship nearly destroyed me. It literally took 6-7 years to mostly get over it. I still have dreams and moments where is messes with me.
Takes about half the length of the relationship to full recover from a break up
@@daveSoupy In my case it’s actually true.
I had a oneit as a teen and it took me 3 years to recover from it
What brought it to an end? The way you went on it’s as if something really bad occurred all of a sudden. So I’m curious
My wife of 21 years dropped a divorce on me out of the blue when she inherited a ton of money after her dad died. It's only been 18 months and I still have days that I'm wracked with horrible pain. I don't to ever expect to fully recover. I just assume I'll have to deal with the pain as long as I live. She on the other hand is living life carefree and mostly unaffected.
The flaw here is that is the study is based on self-reported reactions to a break up. Women will amplify their negative experiences to gain support, and men will downplay it. Men get alot less support after a breakup as a general rule. Go post on a forum asking for support and see the difference between if you're listed as male or female.
Exactly
Shhh stop using common sense. Chris is trying to run a channel for midwit Joe Rogan types who think they're smart.
Indeed. This is the only reason. Women always report themselves as victims, remember?
Yep, one of the first thing i learned in my stats courses is that self reported surveys arent a very accurate or reliable statistical tool.
Very well said
As a man who has gone through countless breakups, I can say they absolutely do not. Based on others experience & my own, women tend to deal with the break up a lot worse initially, but can move on a lot easier. A man may be able to not care as much, or hide that they care as much initially, but if they genuinely cared about the relationship, it hurts much deeper & for a lot longer.
Edit: For everyone saying "it says this in the video" or something along those lines, well done, I'm aware. I commented this based on my own opinion, before I watched the video, addressing the title.
I didn't think so many people would care so much that I stated something that the contents of the video they just watched agrees with.
Well done on your observations boys 👏🏻
I don't believe this, even for one second
Its hurts for the man because he won't face up to what he did to drive her away. He won't give up drink, drugs, porn, cheating, beating etc. He won't give up being controlling, or bitching about her to his family. He won't give up thinking that he "deserves" sex when he wants it and if she's enduring the pain while it happens, well, so what? He won't give up demanding "porn sex" anal sex, whatever, even though he know she cries at night cos she hates it. Then she goes, and he's saying "I'm hurt". But he doesn't know or care that he caused his own hurt, by hurting HER first.
This was addressed in the video
@@MsQ275 It's the truth. Maybe you should do some research.
@@MsQ275 the key to this being "genuinely cared about the relationship"
it's a generalisation yes, but is still very true for the most part.
I'm surprised attachment styles and childhood trauma didn't come into this conversation at all. I think they definitely play a role in how we get over breakups.
I was just thinking the same thing, and what the breakup means psychologically to us. As a female with an anxious attachment style, break ups feel intensely painful. Wailing and hugging myself - cringe movie scene - type of painful
Yeah, I agree. However, Huberman is a neuroscientist and perhaps just chose to explain it through the neurological lense since thats his whole thing. Cheers!
@@kaizen6823 you are absolutely right and he usually makes a comment regarding that. I guess it's the title that's inaccurate and misleading.
Watch full episode
If you watch the full episode (this is only a snippet of that), he does mention attachment style fairly well.
I used to work in Crisis mental health and we had numerous men come into our Day hospital having attempted suicide or having suicidal ideation after a break up. Obviously not all men end up like this after breaking up. I noticed how we never had women in dealing with suicidal ideation after a break up. I think women may initially report very negative feelings but we move on much more quickly and I think our social connections with friends and family really helps. My experience in helping these men in our Day Hospital was that too many of them didn't have someone close to support them through the experience.
Interesting, I wouldn't have thought this would be the case but it makes sense. I was close to suicide after a breakup many years ago and I'm almost certain I wouldn't have been if I'd had other close social connections at the time.
Exactly, no woman wants to get into a relationship with a cry baby man, or a man that is down, why women in the other hand can easily get sympathy, be pitied gain acceptance, validation from male suitors hence why statistically, men tend to level an aspect of their life’s after a breakup more than women do, why women tend to move on quickly into another relationship.
It’s undeniable
Men, Improving their physical appearance, Hitting the gym, ( heartbreaks makes gym bros ) martial arts and all.
Focusing on personal development, getting their finances right, mindset, improving their social skills and all.
Solely focusing on themselves.
There is even a trend on Twitter, where women talk about how they easy get into another relationship the next week, quite funny tho, why they say men just avoid relationships the whole year or even more.
@Humble Servant and men haven’t endured a lot ??.
Please just keep quiet
I agree. I think too that if a lot is going on in someone’s life at the same time. The “ holes in the cheese line up” so to speak. Such as issues at work, other grief, poor work life balance, so sleep deprivation, people invalidating your feelings, so lack of support.
Well said. You have a lot of insight because you actually see what goes on.
Learning to lean into my emotions to experience them more fully instead of shying away from them has helped me deal with past trauma and breakups.
Nice thanks for this
What strategies do you use for this?
@@thomaspieke9228 Emotional literacy exercises.
How is this done, I am feeling all my feelings to the deepest pain possible, still the heartbreak is not gone, and cycling everyday.
@@joshuarudolf3643 it takes time, you basically have to guide yourself through the stages of grief. You can't force it.
They only hurt women more if the woman has not emotionally checked out yet, if she already got emotional attraction for somebody else.. she will be relieved that the break-up happened because she was already emotionally invested in somebody else.
Excellent point.
That's a fucking obvious point. It works in reverse as well.
So much unscientific nonsense in this comment section. It doesn't matter that women sometimes don't feel negative emotions after a break up studies show that on average they feel more negative emotion after a break up but they recover faster. This matches my experiences and it seems like it matches yours as well because you were clearly hurt by a woman and you have not gotten over it...
@@alexcargill3602 it happened to me 10 years ago, I hope I have got over it by not, otherwise that is very worrying.. however you are right, it did change me, my whole view on dating and females changed after that. I used to think dating meant a big deal until I found out my high-school crush was a slut, just like her friends. It changed me, it broke my heart, but it made me much stronger as I could never be hurt like that again. Ha ha
WOW what a silly thing to point out. This is true no matter what the gender of the person is.
My first breakup fucked me up for a good 10 years. It wasn't about the girl, really, as much as it was about who she left me for and why. I just felt inadequate as a person. Defective.
I can relate too you bro it took me that long to get over my first breakup it just sucks
@Humble Servant how so? very strange choice of words, if you mean low self-esteem
@Humble Servant interesting perspective. can’t say I agree with those generalizations though
@Humble Servant The question of "which gender has suffered / endured more than the other" literally has no objective answer, so I consider it non-constructive.
With one exception. I think you can get an idea of how someone thinks by asking them that question. If they say "men" or "women" with any sort of confidence or sense of authority, I think that points to the person being a male chauvinist or female chauvinist, respectively.
@Humble Servant there’s nothing logical about thinking that the little bits and pieces of information we use to cobble together a patchwork guesstimate of how humanity’s history unfolded and what people actually experienced is even remotely sufficient to make an assessment as grand and sweeping as “women have suffered more than men.”
Anyone who thinks they’re qualified to make that assessment is absolutely delusional, a prime example of the Dunning-Krueger effect.
Oh I don’t know. I think we just hear about it a lot more from women. Men really aren’t allowed this emotion.
join a men's group that explores communal sharing of emotion in a way men raised in western cultures can, they exist in many places
@@cratoxylon those men are softies and liberals. we want to share with Strong masculine Men. Not men that only form these groups bc they don’t fit into male culture
no woman wants to get into a relationship with a cry baby man, or a man that is down, why women in the other hand can easily get sympathy, be pitied gain acceptance, validation from male suitors hence why statistically, men tend to level an aspect of their life’s after a breakup more than women do, why women tend to move on quickly into another relationship.
It’s undeniable
Men, Improving their physical appearance, Hitting the gym, ( heartbreaks makes gym bros ) martial arts and all.
Focusing on personal development, getting their finances right, mindset, improving their social skills and all.
Solely focusing on themselves.
There is even a trend on Twitter, where women talk about how they easy get into another relationship the next week, quite funny tho, why they say men just avoid relationships the whole year or even more.
It isn't women's fault that men don't talk about their feelings. Normalize it.
I just had to put my dog of 13 years down this morning. He was my best friend. I don’t think it is a coincidence this clip was the first thing that popped up when I turned on UA-cam. Thank you both this has really helped.
You were a hero, parent, pal and playmate, (and all other good ways to be) to your dog. Giving a dog a good life is one of the best acts a man can do. Giving them a painless goodbye is caring and again one of the best acts a man can do. I know you have to be broke up, but I hope you feel good about all you did for your dog.
My 17 year old dog (I had for 16 years as I rescued her at 1) died in Oct 2021. I still cry for her! We spent my entire adult life together - my first apt to marriage to three children later. She was my doggie soulmate! May you be comforted and know you aren’t alone in this grief. ♥️
@@jordansjul I hope you are someday comforted too. The grief of missing a dog can be so hardd.
Hope you're doing better. They are amazing animals. Remember them with a smile and how happy they were.
aww, i hear you, even though it has been 7 months now. My partner just put his dog down yesterday. peace to you in your remembering of your fur babe.
Uh, I was under the impression that women typically initiated relationship breakups (because they have more relationship options and demand male performance to a high standard). If you're initiating them, you're already mentally prepared for them.
"demand male performance to a high standard". Who? Which females? This is a myth.
you sound like a total victim.... that's super un-manly
women initiate breakups bc the majority of the time the man is too weak to do it even though he wants it and expresses it in a passive aggressive way (emo outbursts, inconsideration, sabotage, infedility).
sorry if the truth hurts, suck it up, buttercup
Prepared for, if not having planned for for months...
No that’s wrong. Women are more likely to initiate divorces, not non marital breakups
@@cherieminer5422 both
Forgiveness is a key to setting yourself free from inner bitterness, anger, turmoil ect....
@@thereisnosanctuary6184 ok incel.
Add accountability.
@@TarzanWannaBe7 you can add like 100 things if we're gonna be nitpicky about it
@@snoozyq9576 Not an argument.
Break ups actually hurt men more in the long term…
Did you watch the video?
They address that specifically in the video
@SorryIHadtoDeleteMyName :D
@@ChrisWillx Sometimes a headline is so far out, that we don't waste time watching the video.. Kinda like nobody wanting facts watches CNN.
@@CONEHEADDK this channel isn’t for you.
This is like that headline "Men die at war, women more affected".
Well the women would then be left behind to carry on so....
Haha! That's precisely what came to me as well.
my dad was wrecked by his divorce to my mom. He went through such sadness and depression. I do believe he got over her but it took like a decade.
The data overwhelmingly shows men take break ups far worse. It makes sense, men have far less options, and women are the gatekeepers and selectors. The other reason is related to "war brides", basically women are the weaker sex and evolved the ability to detach from their last or current mate easily and attach to the new guy coming and taking over. Combine this with women's natural proclivity for more supportive communal social networks, and you can see why women do better. Also, women initiate 70-90% of breakups, despite cheating as much or more.
This was great to listen to. I have recently decided to see a therapist because what I was doing wasn't really working. He is right I started working crazy amounts of hours, working out twice to 3 times a day, enrolled into college full time and joined the national guard on top of that. Eventually as well as I thought I was moving on it all came crashing down because I was so dam tired. I avoided trying to feel the pain, I never cried. Maybe I should.
you really should bro. im a woman and as a kid I couldn't cry until I got my period. those hormones made me cry and tbh I remember it being such a foreign sensation due to my upbringing. I was terrified I had a mental problem until I bled the next day. I know it helps me to release all that crap inside. once a month. also prayer since there is too much pain in the world for anyone to carry themselves. you gotta give it to God. whatever is hurting you, sit with it. avoiding it makes it stronger. you can do it.
general rules:
1. complete sobriety and celibacy
2. spend time in nature
3. eat healthy foods
4. prayer, journalling, meditation
5. censor the content and interactions of your life
its weird. once you release the floodgates, it helps you so heal. its a real weight lifted off of your body. even if you convince yourself you are okay, your body knows better. I suspect all these chronic health issues people have are from ignoring whatever is going on inside of them. they are out of touch with themselves. good luck and God loves you.
There's this fascinating story in the bible about David and his army. They go off on a raid, and come back to their camp to find it raided, their wives and children taken captive. Their first response is to weep. After that, they go out to rescue their families, and slaughter their captors.
It always struck me that time was taken to express the negative emotions, the shock and grief, before going back to work.
I am a big proponent of maintaining masculinity in society and various subcultures. But the idea that avoiding the expression of negative emotions is a masculine thing is not universal, nor should it be.
Let those emotions out, and *then* get back to work. You will be stronger for it tbh.
Good luck man
I’d like to know more about the study before accepting its conclusions. Simply asking people “How painful are your breakups” isn’t a good method IMO. One could argue that women are more likely to accurately state their emotional levels or over-state them, and that is why men seem to express less pain. As men are generally conditioned to not bother others with their emotions and look at their ability to tolerate pain as a virtue. I am not saying it’s a bad thing, but the crux of this whole thing is that people are stating their perception of their emotions instead of using a more impartial metric. Maybe one doesn’t exist, but I think it should still be brought up as people these days love studies. Especially because people can always find some study that validates their world view
Name checks out
Is that your name?
I dont think breakups hurt women more.
It depends on the person.
And if it is a divorce, depends on the laws and cultural support system towards men and women.
It’s really multi factorial.
it doesn'y - not even close..
Confronting reality and fully accepting your feelings is exactly what meditation is.
To be more accurate, I would assume the pain women experience is mostly based on an internal assessment of their partner’s “SMV”.
If they get dumped by a guy who’s the best they’ve ever dated, it devastates them.
If they get dumped or break up with a guy who relatively average, it is much easier for them to move on.
Spot on. You’re a very perceptive person.
I don't think that's true. I've known women who have mourned absolute losers on and on again.
Why would anyone be in a relationship with anyone whom they don’t find valuable enough for them?. If the guy is low on SMV then she might just not be in a serious relationship with him in the first place if she is a self respecting woman with a life
@@agathachris9722 but maybe they perceived the men to be better than them or the best they can get at that time.
@@agathachris9722 Perception is everything. You can't say not true while filtering it through an experience YOU Had. No different then me saying " Ah, Yes. I can relate therefore it must be true!" Except you did the reverse
I don't think men ever truly get over from their heartbreaks, we move past them and drag each of them behind us like an anchor, we just get used to the weight.
I agree with you. We just learn to live with it
This 100%
no woman wants to get into a relationship with a cry baby man, or a man that is down, why women in the other hand can easily get sympathy, be pitied gain acceptance, validation from male suitors hence why statistically, men tend to level an aspect of their life’s after a breakup more than women do, why women tend to move on quickly into another relationship.
It’s undeniable
Men, Improving their physical appearance, Hitting the gym, ( heartbreaks makes gym bros ) martial arts and all.
Focusing on personal development, getting their finances right, mindset, improving their social skills and all.
Solely focusing on themselves.
There is even a trend on Twitter, where women talk about how they easy get into another relationship the next week, quite funny tho, why they say men just avoid relationships the whole year or even more.
@@chinedulozy4023 "heartbreaks make gym bros" - yep, made me one.
@Susel women hide their feelings better. men show them more. which is why the heartbroken man cannot find a new partner for a long time, and that breaks the heart even more. women see that you're down from a mile away, and run from you, because most of them want uppers, not downers. that is the life of the average, disposable male. nature, not evil.
Thanks man. I needed this to hear right now. Thanks
men are more affected by break ups, you can't go off of self reporting or whatever here because of course if asked a man will underestimate pain while women will amplify it
men tend to have a break up and then withdraw, lick their wounds, and then at a future time try to enter the dating scene again but with more difficulty than a woman (because an average woman can get a date about as easily as an 8 out of 10 male)
what women tend to do is try to find a guy immediately for sex, a fling, or more and can easily do it.....this is similar to a person that gets a new pet within a week of their former pet's passing
it's important for men to realize that while they are pining away about the end of a relationship that the woman they are missing is likely with another man
FOH bro, I've been in like 4 serious relationships, and I ALWAYS was more hurt than the other person during a breakup. Im still broken from those.
Also, the person who intends to break up has often had a long contemplation period leading up to the break up so they’ve had time to try to fix the relationship, give up, justify leaving, and emotionally prepare for the breakup etc before it happens. Given over 85% of break ups, at least for marriages, are initiated by women, it makes sense men who’ve been left think women are unaffected.
If she cared, it wasn’t an easy choice. If she didn’t, you’re lucky to lose her.
(P.S. Explaining isn’t condoning. 😬)
Precisely.
Ooh this! The person that checks out earlier b4 the relationship is over is usually the one that gets over it quickly bc they’ve moved on already 😬
How many relationships you've ruined trying to "fix" them ?)
Sometimes break-ups make me wish we would've stayed in primordial soup. Things were easier back then.
I have this theory about the “one” and it kinda reflects his study about pair bonding. I think-maybe not “the one” but certainly, rare enough it seems like there’s only one, is the person who can pair bond with you the best-down to the molecular level. So in a way love at first sight isn’t entirely wrong but I think it has more to do with molecular attraction.
I genuinely cannot believe how intelligent of a man Andrew Huberman is.
My husband died almost 2 years ago and I'm still not over it. He took his own life and that was, in a way, a break up. I don't think I'll ever get over it. Ever
@@thereisnosanctuary6184 thank you. Very kind of you to say
@@thereisnosanctuary6184 it can be very, very hard. Please know that, no matter how alone or worthless you feel, nobody wants you gone and the world isn't better off without you.
@@thereisnosanctuary6184 I'm genuinely sorry that you're experiencing this. I know it's not simple. I honestly thought that I could love my husband better and it was a hard, devastating lesson to learn that it doesn't work that way. I feel like I failed him. All I can say is, that, even though I don't know you, I hope you reconsider. I'm not saying reconsider and then go on and live a life of suffering, but my hope for you would be that you find something that would help pave the way towards a better, happier existence.
@@thereisnosanctuary6184 thank you. These words will stay with me for a very long time. Thank you
Maybe you of pushdd him so hard.
One comment on using anger for energy - my mother did that, and it was like living next to a nuclear reactor: not where you wanted to be, and not exactly the healthiest.
To all the men on here thinking the same as me, big love to you my brother! I am going though a hard time of understanding right now
Just broke up with my gf 6 hours ago. You must have known someone NEEDED to hear this. Thank you.
Keep going bro and dont ever look back, it only gets better from here.
@@resared8538 thank you so much. I appreciate it.
She dumbed you didn't she ?)
@@SmarterTebya no. Other way around. There was a problem and compromise wasn't an option, so I ended the relationship.
No matter what bro, dont take her back. Lose yourself in your work, exercise, hobbies. Improve yourself and get some one new once youve levelled up.
Not my experience. I am very loyal and so I'm usually the one broken up with and have very intense pain. Meanwhile the guy seems fine. They move on and are in new relationships within a couple of months whereas it takes me 1-3 years to move on. I also "allow" the feelings. My last break-up was such a shock (he was going to move to my town because my work was more established where i live vs. his work where he lives) and it was a massive kick in the gut and i could physically feel pain in my chest for weeks. I forced myself to go to all of our favourite places and feel the intense pain because I had heard back then (5 years ago) that feeling the pain was going to be more helpful. I am not sure it helped to be honest. It was excruciating for the first 2 months and I wasn't with anyone else for 2 years and I still think about him to this day. As soon as I started dating someone new the previous guy serendipitously reached out and apologized and said he had loved me but knew he couldn't move. He said it was difficult for him to make the decision but after he made the decision he felt relief. A month later he was with someone else. All this to say, the research shows stats for the averages, but it's not true in every case.
Sorry for what happened to you … seems like you are an honest loyal person … I hope only good things happen to you
@@Supe204 Thank you, that's so thoughtful of you. 🤗💝
Every relationshp ends at some point, no matter what the nature of the relationship is. I'm not even sure people have come to terms with that.
@@thereisnosanctuary6184 There are plenty of ways the mother-child relationship can end: death, abandonment, run away, seperation.
The break-up crashes down on a woman immediately but doesn't begin to crash down on the man for at least six months but when it does it's very hard on the man, more so than the woman. The woman is over the break-up sooner. This is just my observances over many of my break-ups.
The only way out is through! This confirms a theory I’ve had in my own experience. I was so frustrated and hurt by avoidance with 2 of my exes, while I felt immense pain that in one case lingered for a very long time. I kept thinking they’re just going to make this harder for themselves down the track with continual distractions now, jumping into other relationships quickly, telling false narratives of me being the problem and them the victim, etc. So while I had a much worse experience initially, in the long run it was a wiser choice to confront the reality of the situation and feel it fully in order to recover.
@@thereisnosanctuary6184 huh??
Atta boy
@@thereisnosanctuary6184 Nope. I think this is more a reflection of your odd perception of women than me sounding like a man
@@thereisnosanctuary6184 I didn’t take it as an insult, I just disagree that I sound like a man. I write too many comments to remember what I said in that thread, but I’m glad hah
So very true! Ive always told myself the same thing 🫧🫧
obviously i dont know what the women with whom our relarionship has ended feel about it but i have generally been absolutely destroyed by breakups. i will admit that i am an overly emotional person. i really wish i wasnt. it makes life much more painful.
You may just be a Highly Sensitive Person. Look up the TED talk about it. If you are you're in good company. Just don't cut off your ear for a woman like Van Gogh did. That didn't earn him any pussy.
I think your ability to feel deeply is a double edged sword. I have a child who deeply feels emotions and it is beautiful and brutal at the same time. Wonderful empathy and joy on one hand and deeply feels sadness and disappointment on the other.
Wise thought well expressed
Took me a year and some few months to get over my ex to a full extent. But I’m good now.
2:52 I love the fact that he usado David Goggins as a verb.
My question to both of you is what are the repercussions mentally and physically when you are not allowed to grieve a loss due to other responsibilities
A lot of a woman's love for a man comes from feeling safe and secure. If she is able to get that from another man fairly quickly she will get over it very quickly. If she's a bit older and has fewer options, the fear of being alone will hit her hard.
There is no fear in being alone for older women
That's just redpill revenge fantasy
"WhErE aRe AlL tHe GoOd MeN?"
@@wyleecoyotee4252 there certainly is. Single women over 40 are some of the most depressed and anxious sunsets out there.
I dont personally need revenge as I do very well with woman, but the proof is in the pudding. All women over 40 single or divorced I know have become very crazy, desperate, and unhinged.
It’s very painful for women to go from being valued for beauty, to having nothing.
@@done1961
All the single women over 40 that i know are not as you describe at all. They are happy in their lives.
@@wyleecoyotee4252 the Data disagrees with you. So as much as you can say they are happy, maybe they are pretending
Single women in their 40s are viewed by others on average as weird and unhinged and report very low quality of life and wellbeing.
Keep coping.
I’m scared of being ghosted. I feel I would cope better with a bit of support from someone breaking up with me. Not necessarily to explain why, but to just be present for a while. Maybe listen to a few things I want to say. Wonder how other people think about this.
Grief is love with no place to go
Its evolutionary. In the past if a woman couldn't get over her ex and fall in love with a new man then she would have died by lacking protection and provisioning.
The more clearly you understand yourself and your emotions, the more you become a lover of what is.
Looks like I'm not the only Man scratching their head on this one.
Nope.
I experienced it differently then, because it hurt me more
The interesting thing is that this discussion about the need for acceptance is highly relevant to virtually every context of anxiety you can experience.
One of the reasons the method of turning around a "bad trip" is to not fight it and enjoy the ride, is that a bad trip is basically just an anxiety attack, under which you happen to be tripping at the moment of experiencing it. But by not fighting your feelings, you are accepting the reality and the byproduct of tension that your struggle is producing starts to dissipate which allows the rest of your body (and associated internal systems) to come back to a more regulated and even state.
People who successfully turn around a bad trip often report then having one of the BEST experiences because of the euphoria that the release of that tension produces and encourages.
We can also do this as a conscious form of internal standpoint management. Public speaking for example... We often engage in negative self talk about our performance because it betrays a reality of the audiences experience we can't really deny. So we engage in self talk like "Man, I don't even want to know how many times I umm'd or liked. I'm pretty sure my nose was running out of both nostrils too..."
An interesting thing happens if you accept that you really WERE that person instead of just punishing yourself for being that person (or attempting to convince yourself you were amazing). If you really accept that that's who you were in that slice of context, you will begin to feel some of that tension start to dissipate. If you can successfully use that to achieve enough distance form yourself internally to be able to laugh at how much you fuck up, the shame and anxiety disappear much faster and you experience a lot less of it the longer you're able to maintain this healthy level of internal "external" perspective of yourself.
it’s funny how it works that way Raison. I recently took some acid as a way to deliberately have a healing, entheogenic experience as I transition to a new part of my life. When I began to feel the initial sides of rising blood pressure, and rigid, lock-jaw level tension in my neck, etc I began to wonder whether my dose was laced with something dangerous and that I might be poisoned. I was lucid enough to recognize my spiraling anxiety was tied to the drug itself, but that alone wasn’t enough to dispel the notion that I could die or be permanently injured/damaged by enough of a toxic cross-contaminant made by someone negligent or malicious.
What it took to overcome my anxiety attack was for me to accept it. To accept that though it was extremely unlikely, I could still die. And if that was the case, how would I go out? Shaming myself for making an enormous mistake? Fixating on how my parents and siblings would grieve and be traumatized by my death? No. I would try to fight this thing, fight for consciousness, fight for my future, fight for the music I’ve yet to make, for a family I have yet to begin, just fucking fight. And if it was an overwhelmingly lethal dose, I would resign myself to die with dignity, with grace, standing up and fighting for breath and life and then move onto whatever comes next, whether it’s nothingness or another life, without cowering in shame and fear and grief.
And that did it. That took all the power away from my anxiety. I chose my values over my feelings, and held onto them like tying yourself to a ship’s mast in a storm. And the trip that followed was incredible, and just what I needed.
"Why Do Break-Ups Hurt Women More Than Men?"
Do they?
Not at all.
For the first day to few months then they find a new sucker
I can relate to going through a break up really quick but there are many different factors that can help PEOPLE get through their break up! My personal experience is that I lost both my parents early on in life as a child, since then, break ups don’t really compare.
@@thereisnosanctuary6184 lost my adopted dad 15 yrs after my parents passed away as they were an elderly couple. I’ve only had 2 break ups in my whole life and I’m married now but there’s still that feeling of “emptiness”… Maybe one day I’ll get over it completely OR maybe I’m meant to have it for the rest of my life, who knows? All I know is it keeps me grounded and reminds me that life is fragile so always be grateful for your relationships even tho you feel empty.
Lost my parents aswell, and as a man, breakups hurt me even more than it does to everybody else.
The data overwhelmingly shows men take break ups far worse. It makes sense, men have far less options, and women are the gatekeepers and selectors. The other reason is related to "war brides", basically women are the weaker sex and evolved the ability to detach from their last or current mate easily and attach to the new guy coming and taking over. Combine this with women's natural proclivity for more supportive communal social networks, and you can see why women do better. Also, women initiate 70-90% of breakups, despite cheating as much or more.
@@ctguitarguy8510 women have the ability to have more close confidants at any given time--not romantic attachments: it's dad, mom, female friends, adult children. Men have about two less close confidants and depend on their significant others a lot more, so if they lose them, they lose a larger portion of their support network. Chris did a show where a psychologist asserted that it's not a character flaw on men's parts, its part of the hardwiring of men's brains. Men also don't make friends throughout life as easily as women.
For guys looking to make guy friends (and guys should look to make guy friends!) the best thing is activities they do together that have some element of risk/physical exertion (hiking, hunting, team sports--taking the kids to do those things!) but any *activity* they can do together is good.
It must hurt more but they recover in like 2 frikkin days bruh. even the 4s have at least three dudes lined up.
Having "dudes lined up" doesn't equal recovery. Oftentimes these suitors are just hoping to use her while she's vulnerable. Even if they are well-intended, it doesn't mean any of them are able to give her a quality relationship. But if s/he does jump into something new that soon, that's because people will use others as a distraction from the pain of a breakup, which will delay or prevent a full recovery. So it's not in anyone's best interest to jump into something new before they've fully recovered from a breakup, and it doesn't mean they've recovered if they do. It may feel like they've moved on, but they're actually just delaying the pain and setting themselves up for more of it later on.
@@Jill_P so in short are you telling me karma is real?
@@viharm2960 Sure, you can think of it like that. I know I did when my now ex cheated and ran off with someone else, and they both ended up losing everything they had, hating each other, and finally having to face the loss of what they had before alone.
But I'm also sayin even when it seems like it doesn't hurt someone, that might be who it hurts the most.
@@Jill_PI absolutely do not mean the following as an insult if that is how you might percieve it : don't put it back on ME to how to think of it like. I am asking YOU. are YOU telling me karma is real in the context? kindly give me a one word answer in "yes" or "no".
Referring to women as numbers shows that you do not deserve to be in a relationship with one.
I struggle deeply after breakups… pretty much until I find someone new
Love Professor Huberman. Even his diction, his carefully chosen words, metaphors, examples, his black wardrobe which doesn't divert from his message, so on point here, as always. An incredible scientist and truly gifted teacher.
For myself going somewhere I could be completely alone, my cabin in the woods, no cell service, no neighbours, for a few weeks gave me the time I needed to work through things. Perhaps this sounds terrible to some but it changed my life for more than one reason. I think sometimes we forget who we are.
I think as well as everything Andrew said we must allow and set aside ‘time’ to heal. Perhaps women more so choose to do this as men like to keep themselves busy and perhaps some are not as introspective as some women. Women also have friends that constantly ask “how are you doing? How can I help etc…” I can’t say for certain but I don’t believe men have this as often as women do.
I do know if we don’t heal whatever hurt us it is doomed to repeat in the future. So forgive and heal for your own sake. ❤
The data overwhelmingly shows men take break ups far worse. It makes sense, men have far less options, and women are the gatekeepers and selectors. The other reason is related to "war brides", basically women are the weaker sex and evolved the ability to detach from their last or current mate easily and attach to the new guy coming and taking over. Combine this with women's natural proclivity for more supportive communal social networks, and you can see why women do better. Also, women initiate 70-90% of breakups, despite cheating as much or more.
They don't, she has at least 5 backups in case you don't work out. Honestly, men should be doing the same thing.
They are, all the time.
Yeah this is absolute bullshit. Women get down and weepy for a couple weeks and then start partying and hitting the club once their very short grieving period is over. Men carry the pain for months and years and sometimes never get back out there at all. We often carry that failure and pain with us for the rest of our days. Sick of hearing this.
They don't.
Yea dude idk about this one.. lots of individual and circumstantial differences.
I’ve had a long term relationship end after I had decided to give my life to her. She acting in reciprocation until she moved and ghosted me without explanation. I’ve heard from friends that she is basically ignoring we had anything special and treats it like a typical relationship as if she knew me for 2 weeks.. no. We had years together and were closer way beyond the years we had.. that shit ravaged me and shattered my trust in others that im only now beginning to piece back together.
Basically. Both guys and girls can be cold as shit sometimes. It’s just people! Choose wisely who you associate with!
People that ghost their partners are sociopathic. They just ran out of use, or found what they think might be a better deal and couldn't care less about their previous partner struggling to figure out what happened. I wish there was a lab test for sociopaths.
What's his name?
@@n2bfw884 man that would be nice... but, tbh, she showed me she was unstable early on I just wanted to be positive and believe in her ability to grow since she told me she wanted to heal those parts of herself.. learned that's not the time to believe in people hahahah
My ex-wife is on husband #4. It took her her a long time to recover after each. Several weeks, in fact. Me, years.
People need to acknowledge that Men experience hurtful pain in BREAKUP ,but they don't show or express it.
This was a great explanation and interesting to learn.
Extra props to Andrew for making David Goggins into a verb. 🤘
Not a question of male or female; Having a psychopathy which causes a deficiency of emotional responses, lack of empathy, among other trait's, allows this very quick and sometimes instantaneous ability to detach, forget and discard a romantic partner. This trait is present in a sizable minority irrespective of nationality, ethnicity, socio-economic status, education, religion.
Thanks
I ALWAYS say (in general) women look like the break-up has affected them more in the short-term, but long-term they're better off than the guy, and it's for this exact reason: they tend to let themselves feel all the pain now so that in time they're better. Good video :)
I don’t believe this is true at all. Yes some break ups men don’t care about much but some will take them years or even decades to move on from.
For me, my first relationship took literally nearly two decades of my life to move on from and I still haven’t moved on from it completely.
Same boat man it sucks
F both of those hoes.
They don't
Looks like I've not been dating women. What I've dated preferred to jump ship without remorse and any regret. Saying "I love you" one day and "Yeah I'm breaking up and I don't owe you a explanation" the next. I guess I'm a sucker for h0es.
After my divorce I took 5 years of counseling and relationship classes..I learned women move on faster from the loss if a love relationship than men..women are more self-reliant.
Men are used to being " taken care if " ... by a woman....I was able to handle the emotional..financial and the physical aspects of needing alone much better than he did..I worked and paid off my share of the bills...months before he did...joined a fitness club..got my life back on track..raised my sons and spent 10 years . Alone before I remarried....
It's always hurt me more than any women I've been with
With respect to Mr. Huberman, my lifelong experience is the exact opposite of what the headline states. I also think that for women it matters more about their age, when they know that their chances of having a other relationship are highly decreasing and they are not used to being the one left behind.
That's Andrew Huberman ❤
Find your motivators, they are different for different people but it works.
Men care FAR more then woman actually, it's there nature to care for and protect. Also betrayal hits far harder because it's a sacred tribe aspect in person-to-person contact. I see ZERO evidence when I look around the relationships I've seen broken up that woman are hurt more badly then men.
Your anecdotal evidence doesn't cancel out a study
How is this clip about how it's easier for women to get over break ups?
It basically says women feel it, and let go faster. Men avoid the feelings so feel it longer.
I do agree with a lot of the comments here - easier for women to distract themselves with attention these days. So while in Huberman's generation the men may have deflected the emotion, right now, women have multiple resources for distracting themselves ( likes, online dating etc).
Sidenote: Creative expression IS healing. Very different to using a work addiction to distract yourself.
Break ups yes. But then women deal with the death of a partner better than men. Weird asymmetry going on there...
They had to because back in the day it was imperative they would be accepted by others for survival when their partner died
look up "war brides". stockholms syndrome is an evolved psychological capability all women posses because in more ancient times it was very common for a women's man to die.
Very true !!!
Women take breaks up more to heart but it takes more for men to move on. In my opinion
Yeah cause we have to come back stronger and harder.. women got simps lined up by the truck load.. men have to build up their bodies and become way better to get women
I would disagree with that suggestion, and I am a woman who's had her heart broken several times....and believe me, I bleed. BUT, I think men suffer more. The difference is - they hide it.
The data overwhelmingly shows men take break ups far worse. It makes sense, men have far less options, and women are the gatekeepers and selectors. The other reason is related to "war brides", basically women are the weaker sex and evolved the ability to detach from their last or current mate easily and attach to the new guy coming in and taking over. Combine this with women's natural proclivity for more supportive communal social networks, and you can see why women do better. Also, women initiate 70-90% of breakups, despite cheating as much or more.
My last breakup hurt me so much Ive been single for the last 13 years. Granted I have been one for 35 years of my 37 years of life. Im a decent looking man my problem is I am an extreme introvert
My ex girlfriend from high school returns after 40 years we were talking on phone for three months felt like great Gatsby moment. I wanted to save her, she said I was the one. After all this time. We meet .. Wow, time changes everything. The phone calls were much better…. Reality sucks…
You was the”one” bro it’s probably why she cant find anyone else to take care of her so she came back.. dont do it
She got fat didn't she?
Is there a difference between the physical and emotional pain? I felt like my chest was crushing in on itself for a few months lol.
I think it is important to highlight that what's addressed in this video only applies to the modern generation, with social media/dating apps like instagram, tinder, etc. where you can find a rebound easily, and hookup culture is much more prominent with the availability of birth control pills for women so men or women don't have to worry as much about pregnancy. it's much easier to look for validation from anyone anywhere in the world today, and quickly change your attention.
in the past, the discussion would have been very different. a break up was much, much harder for a woman in both the short and long run than it was for a man. men at the time had more options than women.
Headline completely untrue.
"i am gonna David Goggins" is now officially a phrase ::)
I think the ability to overcome the breakup and move on may be impacted by who initiated the breakup. Perhaps, as something like 80% of divorces are initiated by the woman, they have already decided to move on before the breakup, making it far easier. Divorce/family court outcomes including custody, access and financial outcomes also statistically favour women by a large amount. Perhaps feeling you have won and have one over your previous partner also helps to move on, as opposed to being left with a feeling of injustice and an impaired ability to attract the same quality mate, as your financial capability has been neutered with payments to your ex.
Depending on what happened in the relationship, the ability to move on could also be impacted by trust issues.
Women don’t initiate divorces for any of those reasons. Check your bias lol.
@@cherieminer5422 Check your comprehension lol, I didn't say they initiate divorce for those reasons. Instead those are reasons why they move on quicker.
If a man's financial capability is neutered by payments to his ex then he should have had a vasectomy. More often than not, a man does not want his children full-time or even half time. He wants to go out,fuck who he pleases and then sit on the couch and watch TV. He might swear up and down that she took the kids but he didn't really want them in the first place. Let's be honest.
And why does matter if you have money or not to attract a quality mate lol? And most of the time the woman gets financial help because she spends the most time at home and more time with the kids making easier for the man or husband to go out and expand financially...so he gives money and time, and she gives nurture and time...both important but a woman is at disadvantage financially when things go sour...I make almost as much and I was told by my lawyer that money only gets paid if a woman have been at home mostly with the kids ( routine) and not be able to expand financially as well as a her partner and that is how it's is measured how much financial" help" I get from a spouse ...if it was the way around and he stayed home so I could advance and expand financially,I'd have to " help" instead...it has nothing to do with gender lol ✌️ pure bitterness and underappreciation of another's perspectives and hard work...yess hard work ...it is work to rear a home and kids...only selfish ppl don't see that, and that's why a lot of women leave...money gets to their head lol...try paying a housekeeper, babysitter, playdate/ activities driver, a cook and a 24 ht nurse...how much would that costly daily??? But no all we women want is money lol poor men being destroyed financially by the damn gd diggers who got nothing to offer lol 👏👏👏👏
This not towards anyone specific ,I was just venting lol and it's a convo I see going on A LOT ...wake up, grow up and feel what's in your chest 🙏✌️
I wish this generalization were true. Definitely has never been the case for me
can you please paste the link for the research that hosts the main idea for this video? I want to read it.
Fight or flight, but never freeze.
scream therapy... I've always had this lingering desire to travel to iceland or some remote tundra and just scream at the top of my lungs. Didn't know it was a thing
I had a wonderful screaming session in the woods once with some other ladies at this retreat. It was so cathartic
Avalanche!
@Andrew Huberman. You if all people should know that Sunday in the park with George, is comprised of dots… Is an optical artistic feat also known as pointillism. It’s not just a pretty picture.
Ah ha , now I understand why I enjoy sad wistfull heartbreaking music better than happy stuff , thank you
Women can cry for 3 days then get over something forever where as men takes years
Quite a simple explanation: women are typically more emotional/neurotic and so the initial response is more intense, however, their options, as far as potential interests to move on to, are naturally more plentiful and with requiring less initiative. As an example, women are more often approached by males and so their ability to move on isn't tightly linked with their ability to actively search for a replacing partner, reducing the costs and barriers of entry.
Women aren’t approached more by men in the modern era. Lol. Also having options for sex is not a low barrier of entry into a stable relationship which is what a woman is biologically and psychologically aligned towards. Women have more options for casual sex than men, but thats not what women want. So both men and women are equally disappointed and frustrated by a breakup. Men hurt because they lost their access to sex- women hurt because they thought they were getting a stable and supportive partner and didn’t.
@@cherieminer5422 you forgot simps
no woman wants to get into a relationship with a cry baby man, or a man that is down, why women in the other hand can easily get sympathy, be pitied gain acceptance, validation from male suitors hence why statistically, men tend to level an aspect of their life’s after a breakup more than women do, why women tend to move on quickly into another relationship.
It’s undeniable
Men, Improving their physical appearance, Hitting the gym, ( heartbreaks makes gym bros ) martial arts and all.
Focusing on personal development, getting their finances right, mindset, improving their social skills and all.
Solely focusing on themselves.
There is even a trend on Twitter, where women talk about how they easy get into another relationship the next week, quite funny tho, why they say men just avoid relationships the whole year or even more.
@@cherieminer5422 no woman wants to get into a relationship with a cry baby man, or a man that is down, why women in the other hand can easily get sympathy, be pitied gain acceptance, validation from male suitors hence why statistically, men tend to level an aspect of their life’s after a breakup more than women do, why women tend to move on quickly into another relationship.
It’s undeniable
Men, Improving their physical appearance, Hitting the gym, ( heartbreaks makes gym bros ) martial arts and all.
Focusing on personal development, getting their finances right, mindset, improving their social skills and all.
Solely focusing on themselves.
There is even a trend on Twitter, where women talk about how they easy get into another relationship the next week, quite funny tho, why they say men just avoid relationships the whole year or even more.
@@cherieminer5422 Some of his points went over your head, women get approached by men. Women rarely if ever approach men therefore that burden is always on the guy. Uh, women do enjoy casual sex. Just not long term and it really depends on who it’s with. Having options for sex is also a big ego boost regardless of gender, period. Also, women do like 80% of breakups sooo that has to correlate with something.
“Saturday in the park…” Chicago did it.
In my experience with my (Female ) exes- for them it was water off a ducks back. I think most of the time the female has processed the break up before it has even happened.
That only happens when she sees you as so useless that she struggles to view you as a man and therefore the relationship becomes a litteral joke to her and leaving is freedom, not a loss.
@@steph6109 seems like you’re projecting a bit there. Weird that you got personal and you’re not using “ the male” as an example. You don’t know me. I Must have triggered something in you to get that reaction. Being irrational is a female trait after all.
@@steph6109 Women are pretty toxic that way.
He practiced screaming so that’s why he was inclined to scream when communicating frustration in the office. I don’t think that necessarily means he had anymore pent up anger than anyone else. I love watching men practice bring vulnerable cause they get better n better at it
Home boy was on the slanging it round the whole time protocol. Sigma male grindset.
Initially for women it’s devastating If they have been dumped but most of the girls dump the guys so it’s devastating for guys because we don’t know how to process it..it stays with us for a loooong time.. but it makes us stronger for sure…obviously not all see it as a growth process.
Also I think, having lots of relationships isn’t healthy..I mean going from one to another and whatever the reason might be but after a while you stop feeling and you become numb and thus we have relationship crisis.