i’ve got a crush on my best friend who’s also a girl… she’s probably straight UPDATE: she is straight. but now me and my other best friend like eachother lol UPDATE 2: Im with my best friend, It’s better because I’ve had a small crush on them too before and I didn’t wanna tell them because I was worried our 8+ years of friendship would vanish.
@@slamgrams11_16 but the thing is that we weren't too clingy to each other, we gave each other space when we needed alone time and we had lives outside of our relationship, even so, they had trouble with commitment so it ended up being our downfall, you can do everything right and a relationship can still fail, just how it goes :(
I totally felt touched by 3rd piece of advice. I've been struggling with my insecurities for YEARS and my boyfriend has always helped me, but a few months ago he told me that he felt overwhelmed by my constantly low self esteem. He said that he was feeling powerless and helpless, and after talking for a while he told me he had realized that the only thing he hates about me is the way I hate myself. That really hit me and I've been trying to improve since then, but I wish someone could have told me that I was not only hurting myself but also him. We're still together and our relationship is healthier now, in case you wanted to know. I just wanted to comment about this because I think the 3rd recommendation is a very important one :)
Thank you, this is my problem right now😭 I have this insecurities that I can't talk about him and I've been hiding it from him, just saying "I hate myself, not you". He keeps saying that he's alright but I don't think so. I'm hurt because I'm hurting myself and him. What should I do? Should I open things up with him? We're having a 1 day me time rn, and I want to improve and make right decision. That's why I came across to this video and it really helped me😭
So glad to hear you two are doing better now. He told you because he trusts you. Because I know some people (ex. me) would be immature that if their SO tells them what your BF told you, they would act defensive and will have a tendency to be upset. I know I have a lot of issues I need to resolve, so I don't want to pursue anyone romantically because of that. I don't wanna keep hurting people and friends just because I hate myself and I love the walls I've built around me.
Really good on both of you tbh. I'm glad you're working on your self-esteem, and I'm glad he told you what he didn't like in the relationship while naming his feelings.
That is exactly what happened to me just recently. My girlfriend also felt overwhelmed by my low self esteem and so she decided to break up with me which basically lowered my self esteem a lot more. It is so great that you're still together though.
To anyone in a relationship Do NOT constantly bring up old relationships constantly. Don’t compare your partner to you ex ever, whether they were a good ex or a bad ex. Either way you’ll make them feel insecure and terrible. Don’t try and make them change some things about themself just because it reminds you of an ex. It’s damaging to the relationship.
Most relationships suffer due to unclear communication. In my case, I expected my bf to know everything I wanted, without me sharing it. With time I have learned how to openly communicate. Also, we are now playing couple questions games like “Lovify”. Where we have to guess each other's expectations. Been 3 years into love & we are still trying to understand each other better 💗
I never thought about it but I feel I may have that issue too. thanks so much for the help. Cause I also sometimes have hidden expectations especially when I shut down.
they say that loving someone is no different than studying, as you will keep learning about each other, even years later. I am still learning about some of my family members.
this is exactly what my ex-partner needed, open communication. Im coming from the guy perspective here, she wanted me to know everything she wanted without actually telling me what she wanted, now its all just over.
Communication only works if both partners have genuine feelings and no intention of using each other from the start. If one of them is a gold digger, for example, communication only makes thing worse because the gold digger will sweet talk and try to persuade you into their scheme. Communication with a narcissist is the worst because it'll only make you lose yourself so that the narcissist can control you. They will use words to play with your mind until you go crazy and then they put all the blame on you and play victims.
I have problems with #1 and #3 and lately I've been trying to get better and it's working. But it's so easy to fall into old habits, when I want to react angrily to something or say something mean I just remind myself not to do it cos I'm trying to be better
Just this week. I realized I displayed a behavior that I felt my boyfriend was uncomfortable with. He likes to watch this soap opera called The Ranch. He really likes it. I am the type of person to analyze shows, I do it to my own shows and it can bring up some good, deep topics. But I realized that just because I do it, doesn't mean my boyfriend would enjoy talking during the show. He just wants to watch it in peace. I brought this up with him, apologized for my actions, mentioned how I saw I was bothering him, and asked him to please be more open when I do these kinds of behaviors so I can catch it quickly. He expressed that he was annoyed with my backseat commentaries, thanked me for being self and environmentally aware, and said he would work on being more open with me. I made a promise to not make commentaries during his shows. Its a hard habit for me to rain in, sometimes I leave the room when the edge to chat is strong. But I also see how it helps me boyfriend have peace in what he watches. I'm not offended. I'm actually embarrassed I didn't catch it sooner.
Yeah I used to do that with my ex. I couldn't watch some shows and be silent. Some of them were just plain stupid or dumb to me. Two people sitting on the couch watching a show not talking to each other we're interacting with each other or with the show. Sounds boring to me. But I do get the fact that for her she just wanted to watch it in peace. Since I worked nights and she worked days and there was lots of time during the week when we were not in the same house together my feeling was and still is that we should have watched things together that we both appreciated and liked..
My boyfriend and I like to analyze tv shows too. We talk through it sometimes but not the whole time. We save most of the talking until after the show to summarize what we just watched. If the show is mostly just entertainment and not too serious, then there is nothing to talk about. Honestly, a lot of people hate talking during movies/tv. As you can see in movie theators. It's common courtesy to not talk over the TV. But it just sounds like you two have different ways you watch it and coming to a healthy compromise is wonderful!
*FRIENDLY REMINDER* | Quality life doesn't come from superintelligence, wealth, or power. It comes from the ways that we live with kindness, love and peace. Love from a small youtuber❤
Ngl if I had a few billion dollars to throw around I’d be pretty happy. Not saying I’d trade my friends or family for it but it’d definitely be niiiiice.
@@muckyesyesindisguise3854 money is a great plus to our happiness 😅 in some places having a lot of money means having access to medicines and doctors so let’s not forget about that
@@ChocoParfaitFra No one should argue with that, I totally agree. It will be pretty nice. Just in my case, Not for me, I will do my best to have them, { and I will] for only one purpose, to ease life for those who suffers because of the luck of many things, I did suffer from the luck of money and still , But Totally happy. Keep in mind I'm Talking about suffering till I don't have much to pay for my meals time to times... So I totally understand deeply what it means.
I've been on the receiving end of the silent treatment several times, and I can attest it is definitely what destroyed the best relationship I've ever had. Ladies and gents, please make the effort to communicate with your partner, even if it's just to say you're not ready to talk and need some time to get your thoughts together. Simply saying you need some time is infinitely better than walking away refusing to talk, listen, or even acknowledge your partner's efforts to solve whatever challenge you're facing.
The silent treatment hurts me the most, it's disrespect on top of a lack of empathy. Even just a "I need some space" is worth so much. I have no idea how someone even manages to say nothing, it feels impossible to do.
@@Cinnie.Stories It can be a bitter pill to swallow, but I've learned to recognize someone using it against me as a huge red flag. If they're not willing to respect us, we can do better. Let's go find better :)
As someone who delt with a partner with low self-esteem I can assure it's frustrating, it made me feel not enough, like my compliments meant nothing to them, luckily, after some time and some help, it has changed and now they are much more secure about themselves, it really changed our relationship for good.
@@Ricky-ce3jo in resume, taking care of their physical and metal health, learning to love themselves for who they are no matter what. they started to work on themselves by themselves for themselves. It all started with him growing his hair, something he always wanted to do but never committed, than he started to workout and eat more healthy, it lead to a better sleeping schedule and more energy, I think this combined with self development on the emotional health and stability made him overall more confident, he is still a bit self conscious about some things, his height for example, but since is something that can't me changed he just let's go of it and focuses on the things he can controll and be better at.
@@santana4899 thank you for the insight friend, I'm trying to work on myself and I'm happy to see I'm on the right path. I hope the two of you are doing well, much love from an internet stranger.
@@Ricky-ce3jo thank you fellow internet stranger, we are in a much better place now and on a road to a life of happiness, I wish you the best on your journey!
I think it's thanks to you then :O And now that I saw your story, I'm even more afraid of getting in a relationship with someone.... As I have a very low self-esteem
My partner of 2.5 years recently ended our relationship because she felt suffocated by me. I didn't ever mean to make her feel this way, but I realize that it was insecurity and specifically bringing myself down that made her feel this way. I would get jealous over little things and tried my best not to make it a big deal, but she always took extra care to avoid making me feel that way by limiting herself and what she could do. I would need constant reassurance, and she must have been so drained from those things. It's only now that I'm realizing the lengths she went for me and I feel so, so terrible that I put her through that for so long. She made me so happy and I wish I could've done the same for her. I don't even know where to begin to start improving myself. I've tried reaching out to the friends I've made over the years but it's so hard to pull myself back up again. Thank you for pointing out one of the issues I had. Identifying the issue is always the first step to resolving it.
You already started improving yourself! The fact that you don’t just blame her for the end of the relationship but you digging deeper to identify what caused it to end is a major step :). You sound like a very self-reflected and empathic guy which speaks for you.
You are so brave and smart man to be able to notice this in you, and to want to improve yourself. I wish more people in this world could aknowledge whats going on with them for better relationships.
Currently 5 years into a relationship and have suffered, endured, and recovered from every single one of these behaviours/scenarios. They're completely normal and should be taken as problems that need solving rather than something you should avoid just because you don't like it. Communication is key and it doesn't always come out as figurative talk, but it will make your bond with your partner a lot stronger and you'll feel more liberated at the same time.
I wish I had time to recover from some of my issues before she decided it was too much to deal with. The self-esteem part speaks a lot to me especially… and I still feel so guilty for the way things ended.
Pride is also something that can kill a relationship. My girlfriend, who I’ve been with for a little over a year now brought something to my attention recently. She explained how I do things she doesn’t like and she does things that I don’t like. She then went on to say how if I do something that upsets her, it shouldn’t take me ten minutes to apologize. It should just be an immediate reaction. In that moment I realized something, I realized that my pride was killing my own relationship. Whenever I would do something bad on my part, I wouldn’t see it as bad, but she would. And it would take me long to apologize because my pride wouldn’t allow me to understand her mindset and reasoning for being upset. In my mind I would say “ apologize? Apologize for what? Why do I always have to apologize for everything? I don’t understand what I did wrong. “. This would always be after we had an argument or I made a joke that she found insensitive. She even said how she was considering breaking up with me. She explained how she still loved me but she felt that the both of us needed time and space to mature. But eventually she decided against it and just decided to tell me how she felt. She explained how she loved me too much to cut ties and she couldn’t bring herself to do it ( thank god ).
Nah I disagree, they should tell me why they are upset. Other wise It would be a fake one. If someone told me to say sorry and I should know instantly what I did was wrong then I’d rather not hang out with them. So I really think it depends on certain things.
My toxic trait, is that I tend to act on emotions rather than talk them out. Im trying to improve, but I have my moments. Sorry if im over sharing. I just feel this is a safe space to talk about this. Remember, we all have toxic traits, I have more, this is just the one I feel I need to work on the most.
My two toxic traits is that I always blame everything on myself, and I am physically unable to drink stuff without a straw, with the exception of water.
@@jarjarthebredloaf I wouldn’t call the second one a toxic trate, as its not harming anyone. Unless the straw is plastic, then it is. And the best way to deal with negative self tak, if to remember that there are allways worse people out there.
I would like to add one: ignoring or disrespecting boundaries no matter how big or small they may seem. My ex did this to me a lot and it killed any and all feelings I had for him because it made me realize he didn't respect me and didn't truly care about what upset me or made me very uncomfortable.
@@defnotnaruto222 yes but also no. My ex didn't respect my boundaries with my body and how i didn't like to be touched in certain areas and I felt disrespected a lot because of it. the boundaries they were talking about was boundaries with their lives, i'm talking about personal boundaries with their bodies. this could be touching the person in a certain way that may seem like no big deal to you and even something you enjoy doing, that person has set that boundary for a reason and it should be respected, even if it's something 'silly' like not touching their hair. you may really want to touch their hair and play with it, but that person said no, so you shouldn't regardless of how 'silly' it may seem to you and you may think 'it's just hair' but what you really should be thinking is 'while this is what i want to do, i respect and care about my partners feelings enough not to do the thing they told me specifically NOT to do'. disrespecting such boundaries can make the person feel unsafe around you and like they constantly have to be on guard with you, especially if you've done it multiple times to them and you are pretty much pushing them out of love with you because they don't feel safe or heard. and yes, some of this does tie into 2 but not to the extent i was referring to which is more towards physical boundaries and consent.
@@justaweirdonothingtoseeher1393 not trying to be mean, but what Is the point of you having a boyfriend if you don't like being touched in certain areas that especially isn't extremities? This is a legitimate question im not being a smart ass. It sounds like to me, you don't want to be touched very much, if at all period. If I was in that guy's shoes, I would've apologized to you and respected your boundaries and stopped then and there. but I also would've ended the relationship the next day afterwards. Why? Simple. Love language. Everyone's is different. I cannot express how I feel towards someone very well in words. I prefer and am much better at showing someone how I feel by being gentle and by touch. I love to run my fingers through a woman's hair when I kiss her or hold her in my arms at night. If I were in a scenario I couldn't do any of that, i would feel as if one of my arms is tied behind my back and that my s.o. is annoyed by my presence. but the biggest reason would be I would feel as though a big part of myself was being denied and not welcome, thus denying my personality as a whole and I would definitely be thinking I'm unwelcome and so are my advances. So the million dollar question would be "why am I here? I should just leave so she will be happier with me gone."
@@cheesepuff7814 okay, not that it's anyone's business but my own what my own reasons for not wanting someone to touch a specific part of my body are, my boundaries should have been respected at no. He was told at the start of the relationship how things were with me and what my boundaries are physically due to trauma and he accepted those terms and said he understood. If he couldn't deal with them he should have walked away instead of repeatedly violating my boundaries/ consent and lying to me. And his touches were S*xual if you really need to know and I wasn't looking for/ready for that kind of touch at the time. People are more than their bodies. Touching someone should not be more important to you in a relationship than how that person feels and what they are/aren't okay with. And this isn't meant to sound mean, I'm still hurt and angry over the whole situation and i'm still healing.
@@justaweirdonothingtoseeher1393 well if you told him from the beginning you weren't ready for sexual intimacy, he should've listened to you and not took things too far. Honestly, It sounds like neither of you were ready for an intimate and serious relationship. It sounds like he was just trying to get you in bed, and you were still reeling from some bad experiences. Bad combo for sure, but I'm glad you were able to end things peacefully i hope. Personally, I don't even touch a woman past her shoulders even if were dating, unless she herself puts my hands on her body where she wants them, because I'm also very nervous about what I do around women. Dating is extremely new to me still, because of how I was treated by my mother and women as a young child to my now adult years, but also because I want to save myself for marriage for a good woman. I agree that women or men aren't together for their bodies. But intimacy plays a huge and undeniable role in a relationship. It's sounds like you need more personal healing and to spend time doing the things you love with people you love. I would encourage you to just check out of the dating scene and take a break until you don't hurt anymore, or atleast until you can bear it again. I wouldn't say time heals all wounds, but I will say time eases all pain instead. I genuinely hope you end up meeting a guy that treats and respects you well.
I have another one to add: not actively participating in things you share. My bf and I live together and everytime we go grocery shopping I'm always the one left to think of meals and food we can share together, and when I ask him it's always "idk pick whatever you want". It's so frustrating to be left to do everything by myself and have him waiting either for directions or me to just decide
Ik it's pretty late to comment on this but as someone who's had the same problem in a relationship, the best thing to do is sometimes just to explain exactly how you're feeling about him not being more specific about these type of things. I've learnt that guys are mostly oblivious when it comes to us asking those things and would just genuinely like to have whatever we have. They don't mean it in a bad way, they just don't see the question as a big deal and something that needs actual consideration past saying "whatever you want". Boys are just a bit dense is all
@@quietone7677Hold up there with the dense comment. Are we really dense for not being able to know what our other half wants if they don’t explain it? I for example eat to live, where my girlfriend lives to eat. She loves the kitchen and having all kinds of variety. I personally don’t care, so I would prefer that she just buys what she wants, as if she would being single, and I’ll gladly eat it and enjoy her kitchen skills. When I was with my ex, she would give me two choices. I would choose and then she would pick the opposite one. It was maddening. Guys want their partners to be happy. So we don’t like to complicate things that are easy. That doesn’t make us dense. It comes down to ALL couples need to communicate from the very start and not play guessing games. Just because he or she can’t read your mind, doesn’t mean they don’t care about the situation or love you.
This videos gets at toxic behaviors in a gentle informative way. I feel like this video could help trauma victims start to see their abusers behavior more objectively. Thank you for all the hard work y'all put into your videos. It helps people put names to their problems and express what's going on.
There are just some life skills that should be taught in school. How to file taxes and tax returns, how to spot manipulation, how to write up a resume and give a professional job interview, and maybe some basic cooking courses and first aide/CPR
@@PlayshotKalo I agree, and I am so greatful that my school offers some of those class to us - I just wish I could be offered to everyone 😞 it would really relief so much stress than a lot of us have tbh
I've been avoiding relationships because I'm afraid to disappoint people. I've built up enough disappointment over time to the point where all I do is watch YT, browse social media, and play games to distract myself from the regret instead of learning new skills and improving myself. Also, I often see criticisms as disdain, even if the criticisms are legitimate, it becomes hard to take them at face value when there's an air of bitterness behind it.
Yeah I'm with you there. I'm going to try giving myself some external responsibility. Being accountable to have a central duty that I must perform every day to avoid the consequences. Eventually this will be a job once I manage to secure one. For now it's going to be training with a pt at the gym. Then I'm hoping once I get home ill be able to ride the productivity of having completed that task to do other things that I know I should be doing. Hopefully I'll regain some self respect in the process.
This makes me love myself and my partner more. I know we are imperfect, we used to do things in this video. Instead of trying to end our relationship, we decided to talk through it. We love each other too, and we tried to grow. I started to read alot of stuff to reflect on myself and on how to have a healthy relationship and shared the information to my boyfriend. We are planning to take our relationship to a next level, and I hope that whatever will hold us down can be solved without hurting each other.
After hours of searching for relationship advice online, all I saw was “if your partner isn’t good to you, do this” but finally after seeing people who are like me and open with their issues, I can’t express how thankful I am for this video. It brings me to tears. I have severe attachment issues and crazy anxiety. I never realized how controlling I can be and just how hurtful my words can be. I can’t really afford therapy so I hope I can find something else. Thanks for the video ❤
I think a significant amount of relationships fail because people have a preconceived idea of what an ideal partner is supposed to be. So they expect that from their partner or themselves. And when either party falls short of the expectations the whole thing falls. The wise thing to do is forget everything you expect (please note I am talking about expectations, not preferences or what you are attracted to) and observe people and yourself as who they and you really are and list out the perfections and the shortcomings. Anything can be achieved through patience and a littlebit of love. So don't sweat the small stuff. And If it's something unchangeable just accept it or leave doing this will save you a lot of misery!
Absolutely agreed. One of the reasons my first relationship didn't work out was because my partner had a really specific preconceived idea of who they wanted me to be, which was very different from who I actually was, especially because I was emotionally numb and acted completely differently when we met.
I tell this to my ex before we broke up,, they always expected me to be smthng and emotional manipulate me. I told them they should stop doing it their answer was "i know exactly how i want to be treated and how my relationship gonna be". So yes i agreed having preference is great i too have preference but expecting someone to be smthng they not is not ok
@@lilrockstar8170 That's also why my relationship ended. My partner thought I was perfect and checked off all his boxes in the beginning, but as we got to know each other he realized I had shortcomings just like everyone else. He broke up with me because he wanted to be with someone who already had everything figured out...and I'm just wondering if he'll ever find someone like that with those standards.
I grew up in an emotionally manipulative household and had a handful of abusive relationships. I also saw myself as the bigger person and was always trying to compromise and communicate effectively. I have finally met a man who has given me the love and respect that no one has ever put the time in for. I find myself in the behaviors of my abusers more than I would like to admit and I’m honestly at a loss for what I need to do to improve. I have a therapist I go to weekly yet I still can’t see any improvement on my part. I love this man so much, I don’t want to hurt him and I want the best for him. I think that I don’t fix myself now I’ll end up like everyone that abused me. I’m lost and scared.
Go by step and resolve one issue at a time. I have a problem with being too critical, i am trying to solve it by setting an alarm to remind me i don't have to criticize everything only cause i can. When i am afraid to forget slmething i always put an alarm on, if you get used to it just change the time so you will watch the phone and read the alarm name (which in my case is "don't be too critical") if some words are wrong i am sorry i am not an english speaker
I hear you, you’re not alone. Have you tried to talk to your partner about it? It could help to open up about it and maybe get some further guidance through their perspective. Ask them if they feel there’s anything you can do or change.
If you really trust your partner, I suggest you explain all this to him and set some kind of "keyword" that he can say to you when he thinks you are being abusing o harmful, so in that moment you can stop for a second and check what you are saying and feeling and then "reset" if you think he may be right. This doesn't mean trusting his judgement blindly but simply allowing you a moment to stop the flow of negativity and think about what you are saying/doing.
I can't say I totally understand what you're going through - I've never been there - but I will say that I think the fact that you're worrying about it at all is a good sign. It demonstrates a degree of self-awareness and a willingness to improve - traits which are not common among abusive people. It shows that on some level, you care about the wellbeing of others.
I think the silent-treatment can ocurre as a result of insecurity. Not knowing what to say, or being afraid to say something wrong, or no matter what one says, it's always being misunderstood or overanalyzed. If one can not express ones feelings in a way the partner can understand, it will get frustrating as well, for both sides.
I suffer from giving the silent treatment and it's a mix of all the things you said but also it roots back to my childhood where when I was having a fight with my dad I I couldn't say anything more because we would fight more, he would scream and all of these "good" things. I try so hard to not do this with my bf and most of the times either I just take a little time or I continue the dialog when things have settle down a bit... Oh, I'm also a people pleaser so that adds😅
@@tsalikon4252you and my partner are alike. She used to give me silent treatments for every disagreement or misunderstanding we may have. It really hurts me every time and its worse cause im an overthinker. We already talked about this tho and indeed it is rooted to her childhood wherein she and her mother would scream at each other during fights. Then, they wouldn’t talk about it at all. No apologies, no explanation, they would seem fine right after. She also comfessed to me that her thoughts and opinions seem unimportant in her family so she grew up believing that speaking up or being honest with your feelings are futile. We slowly worked on this and with some patience, understanding and love, she now “stays” during our “disagreements.”
Never hurts to be knowledgeable when the time comes. I used to watch them before I got in a serious relationship too and I think I was better off for it this go around
1. Reacting with anger when critiqued 2. Intruding on your partner's privacy 3. Talking down about yourself 4. Giving ultimatums when a better option is open 5. Silent treatment TL:DR you should always try to communicate with your partner and respect them as human beings.
I’m very glad that I don’t most of these, the outlier being talking down about myself. Thankfully my partner has helped me with that a lot and I can’t thank her enough for that. I’m just glad she loves me enough to help me with my confidence issues and my insecurities I’ve had since I was a kid. She’s done more than anyone in my family and therapists ever did in the span of a year. If that’s not love and commitment I don’t know what is.
Another thing related to criticism: think about the way you address the issues you criticize your partner for. Are you coming from a place of compassion? Are you willing to calmly discuss the problem and reach a solution together? Are you considering your partner's needs as well as your own? Are you open to listen to their perspective? Are you treating your partner like a part of your team or like an enemy? It's something I'm working on myself and I feel like it's really important.
Y E S. So many people think that giving criticism is just emotionally dumping hurt onto the other person and expecting them to grovel at their feet apologizing, when that can also be incredibly damaging. I've found that most conflicts are a two-way street. Yes, maybe they hurt you, but there also might be an issue with how you're interpreting things or how you're reacting.
I agree wholeheartedly but the thing is everyone else doesn’t CARE if you are coming from a genuine place. All that seems to matter to a majority of individuals is “HoW iT mAde tHeM FeEL DeRp.” People are obsessively overtly offended at every moment. 🙄
Yes!! Also, an important thing to add: is it constructive? When I get annoyed with my boyfriend for a behavior or for pronouncing a word wrong, I try to make sure if this a road I want to go down. Is this going to help our relationship or hurt it? Am I just hungry? Do I just need some space to cool down? Constructive criticism is important, but don't bombard your partner with complaints all the time. This can make them overwhelmed or defensive. Make sure you pick the right battles.
@@SamanthaP48 you gotta put it in a way they will listen. Being too blunt can cause hurt feelings and they just get defensive. Use your words carefully, and pick a tone where it doesn't make it sound like you're being aggressive. I'm sure you hate it when someone yells at you for something you find normal. Just lightly sugarcoat for better results! Doesn't mean you have to deep fry in corn syrup!
3. Bringing yourself down - is definitely one that I'd been dealing with. Feeling like I'm not good enough. I have a great boyfriend and he's always trying to raise me up. But my insecurities were so overwhelming that I was pushing him away. But he stood strong through everything claiming he wasn't going anywhere unless I was positive I wanted to end things. I told him he could find someone better, but he said he only wanted me. I was just in a bad mindset and I was disappointed in myself. I've been working on myself. I still have my insecurities, but I'm in a much better mindset now. Instead of throwing a pity party for myself; I'm trying to work on myself bit by bit. It's a struggle but I know it'll be worth it. I was feeling ugly, worthless, I gained a lot of weight, and was lost on what I should do with my life. I had let everyone talk me out of my dreams over the years. I trusted in people that I shouldn't have. Learned that even some of my own family were corrupt demons who didn't care about me; they only cared about what I could do for them. I was working through depression and anxiety and I got both of those more or less under control. My anxiety use to be so bad that I would hyperventilate. That went away after my depression got so bad that my emotions went numb. That's a sensation I never want to experience again; the numbness. Not being afraid of anything was kinda nice, but I was lacking other emotions as well which wasn't nice. It was like being an empty shell and just not wanting to exist anymore, because I couldn't see the point of life. I thought that was gonna be the rest of my life, but my emotions slowly started to come back and eventually I felt somewhat like my old self; the me before depression. I was happy again and getting my life back on track. It wasn't easy getting back to feeling alive again , but I was determined to be happy. I'm now trying to work on losing some weight so I can feel more confident in my own skin.
My boyfriend sent me this, we’ve been talking about it for the past hour. I’m guilty of 1, 2 and 3, and I feel awful about it. I’m genuinely trying to get better about it, I have a therapist I talk to, but it’s an extremely slow process and it’s so hard for me because I have BPD and it amplifies and makes my feelings ten times worse than they have to be. I feel toxic for it and it makes me feel so horrible. I just want to be better and get through this hard part. He knows I’ve been trying to get better and he’s so patient with me. He’s an angel, and I feel awful for how I’ve been.
My girlfriend of 9 months has BPD. I love her, you deserve love too. BPD doesn't make you a bad person and recognizing your negative behaviors is the first step to changing them. Best of luck 💛
as someone who's had a relationship with someone with BPD in the past, i gotta say i'm really proud of you for managing to be aware of your own issues and trying to fix them for him and the relationship. if you can, please try to talk to him about how you feel and your overall thought process on how you usually handle things. i know it's hard, but i have a feeling that you guys will get through these problems together. i wish you guys good luck!!
My wife and I have been married for 21 years back on November 3rd. We're High School sweet hearts and got married the same year we Graduated. I'm 4 months older so I had turned 19 6 days before our wedding while she was still 18 and didn't turn 19 till the end of January. We had so many doubters that really thought we were making a huge mistake and that we'd probably never even make it through the first year. We both were very mature for our age and we worked hard and was smart with our money so after just a year renting an apartment we bought our first house. (Which we still live in 20 years later) We have a 17 year old son who was born on my 23rd birthday and we had little fights like an couple but we've never once separated and we're a happy loving little 3 piece family!
The biggest thing we argue over is actually because I'm a very quick witted person who can do about anything I put my mind to. I'm a open minded person who always looks at any problem or situation and will quickly come up with the quickest and easiest way to do something, but only if it has a 100% quality result. My wife will be doing things a lot of times that I see her doing in a way that takes her longer and causes her more work than she'd actually have to do if only she would listen to me when I honestly in a very nice way without criticizing how she's doing say to her, babe, that'd be a lot easier and quicker for ya if you'd just.......... telling her the way and she will get all made and defensive and tell me not everything has to be done my way and she likes her way of doing it just fine and that my way doesn't always mean it's the right way for everyone! She says I always criticize her and she can't do anything right to me! I'll tell her, calm down babe I didn't say you was doing anything wrong, I was just trying to be helpful and show you a way that'd be easier and faster for you if you'd just give it a try! Idk why she gets like that about it. I can't help but wanna help her life be easier cause I love her and I get my head bit off! Lol
Bro I love hearing good endings for people who married young. ❤ It gives me a lot more hope. I am currently in highschool and have a boyfriend and I have issue getting out of the “highschool relationships dont last” mentality so things like this always make me happy :)
@@dwanetheguacjohnson5086 I know someone who's just turned 61. He has 4 kids, 2 grandchildren and he's been with his wife since highschool. They've been married for more than 30 years.
The 3rd one is very important, I learned from experience. When I was 16 I had my first “girlfriend” and saw her as an outlet for me to vent about all my problems and thought I could trust her, but ultimately I realized after things didn’t work out that she must’ve felt so uncomfortable and overwhelmed. I didn’t know how to treat being in a relationship because it was my first one, but since then I’ve grown a lot more confident and aware of not only how/when to be supported but also how to support them and keep things balanced
@@lunabear8645 just remember that your significant other isn’t your therapist. I always try to be more of a rock for them that they can rely on for support, sympathy, and advice. That’s not to say they can’t support you; if you never let them in on how you’re feeling they will eventually stop trusting you. It’s important to have open communication. But don’t burden them with feelings of depression or unsolvable anxieties, because it will drive them away knowing they can’t help you more than it will make them want to stay to help you. (Mental illness especially shouldn’t be a “tool to test one’s loyalty,” but that should go without saying)
Yeah same here. I knew that you were supposed to set boundaries when it comes to emotionally dumping onto people, but during that time I was off my medication and my boyfriend was one of the few things that made me comfortable and happy at that time. But we were both going through issues and neither of us got the support we wanted from the other. He ended up closing me off and was scared that if he vented to me, it would make me sad and more depressed. Now that I'm on my medication again, I cringe hard.
@@lunabear8645 Just maintain open and honest communication with your partner, set boundaries. And if you and your partner can’t do that, then the relationship probably isn’t going to work out long term.
I usually feel insecure and I constantly bring my self down, but my partner always brightens my day and bring a smile on my face. And she is always by my side and I'm grateful for that..
After watching all of this, honestly none of it describes me and my partner. We're both open to criticism, and talk through our issues together. We've been together for over 4 years already, and we still love each other as much as the day we started dating. I'm completely, 100% positive I've found the person for me ❤️
Really, don’t put yourself down, even if you realize you have been doing 1 ore more of these things to your partner. You are here because you are open and want to change because at the end you want them to be happy
As someone who has been (and partially still is) depressed. This video is one of the first things that were able to make me cry. I recognize myself in all of these actions, I have done all of these things. Some more than others. This really opened my eyes, and now I know, working on myself is more important than anything. This gave me more emotional maturity and hopefully this will lead to better mental health. Thank you. :')
Another thing about a releationships is to not be so competitive about things. Alot of partners get jealous of the other partners success. Your success is their success and their success is your success
Remember that the best time to work on yourself is when you’re single. A lot of the time we believe that being in a relationship will be exactly what we need to be better or feel better but that’s not always the case. If you rush into one it may do more harm than good so take your time and when you’re ready do your best by just being you, that’s probably the reason that the person is with you. :)
Also because there's a lot of possible self-reflecting scenarios that just wouldn't happen when you are single. I think when you're single you build confidence and self reliance. You finally learn your own values unclouded by a partners values influencing you. But there's a ton of deeper social interaction maturity that you only get by analyzing your most intimate relationships and how you treat them, speak to them (like partners, parents, siblings, roommates sometimes)
Bringing yourself down is something I struggle with extremely and it makes it even worse for me because I constantly worry that my actions like that will push him away further and so it’s an endless cycle for me. I try really hard but there’s things that I can’t help but be insecure about and it always makes both of us feel bad and so seeing this really hit home. It’s just hard to fix your insecurities when you struggle with them so bad because they make sense to you. He always tells me “Abbie why do you look at yourself this way? I think you’re perfect.” And that’s hard to hear because yes it makes me feel loved, but it also makes me question “Is he being honest or is he just trying to make me feel better?” To me, my insecurities make sense so when he tells me they don’t, my brain and my feelings just get twisted up and I don’t know what to do other than smile and tell him thank you and show him affection
Thats exactly what happend to me. Sometimes it didnt hit me hard, but its still unpleasant to have that in mind. I just wish i know how to deal with it TvT
Sometimes perfect doesn't mean "without flaw", but rather "whole or complete". That's something that helps me with insecurity when I'm told I'm perfect, despite me only thinking of my flaws. The people who truly love you, love the _whole_ you.
It comes down to not feeling worthy of being loved. So if you are loved you reject it and hurt the people trying to love you. The truth is that everyone is equally worthy of being loved, and that we are loved by God beyond our comprehension. Once that truth settles in then you are free to love people that don’t have to love you back in order for you to feel whole again.
This narrating is so smooth and calm to listen. I absolutely love it. Even if I sometime don't relate to topics the video is about, I still watch the video anyway.
Me and my partner are going through a bit of a rough spell and I’ve accidentally found myself doing some of these 👀 I definitely need to buck up my ideas, thank you P2G, I needed to watch this, I think it’s the help I’ve been needing ♥️
Well I'm glad you've finally found help. I hope everything works great between you and your partner and you both stay together forever! You should also have your partner watch this so maybe they can also fix things 🤗
@@Maze0000 Thank you:) It’s funny how a video like this can come along at a time when it’s most needed, There have just been a lot of changes recently and with me being autistic (mildly) I don’t take too well to change, especially sudden change. I’m seeing her later today so we’ll definitely watch it together, I’ve been stuck in a bit of a mental rut which has led to me doing some of these unfortunately, and I realise that now, she always says to me “Communicate with me about how your feeling as there is nothing we can’t talk out” and this video was definitely an eye opener
1. Angrily reacting to criticism. 2. Disrespecting your partner's privacy 3.Unraveling Low self esteem 4. Over using ultimatums 5. Giving the silent treatment
I used to not be able to take criticism well and it definitely put a strain on some of my relationships whether they were romantic or platonic so this is a great wake up call 🙏🏽💛
I’ve had a very complicated and stressful life since age 8. I had to mature quickly and learn more emotionally and spiritually, I honestly just love listening to your voice and watching the beauty of your animations. No matter what the video is about it helps me in some sort of way.
The "bringing yourself down" one is something I am struggling with a lot. My partner wants me to stop overthinking things and stop calling myself ugly, which is gonna take a long time from my kinda socially alienating mental disorder and my history of depression and anxiety. However, I do find motivation in the way it's addressed in the video. My partner is also stressed as get family is difficult, and she too has this feeling of alienation for her looks.
I too had that problem with my partner. The only topic she could talk about 80% of the time are sad parts of her past in school. I took the wrong option by saying „I want to talk about happier stuff“, trying to give her a sign, that i don't want her to connect sad stories to me but also wanting to give her the opportunity to let her show me, who she is grown to and so just her present self. Also, she is not in this sad past anymore, so i tried to tell her, that her present self in fact is the person i love But that ended up backfiring. She from that point on built up distance, because (as a friend of us said) it helped her to talk about this and it is a positive thing that she is entrusting it onto me. But I didn't like our dates mostly be filled with a depressive past, since i like living more positively. So she broke up with me. I kinda regret my choice of saying that sentence back then, because i really liked her
#4 When I was 10, my 2 best friends got mad at each other. One of them gave me the ultimatum that I couldn't be their friend if I remained friends with the other. It was at that time that I developed the ideology of "If you make me choose, you lose."
The same thing happened to me years ago. I was so shocked that I couldn't choose either of them. I ended up losing both. I'm glad you handled that situation better than I did.
I had my friend do that since they fought, the one who made me choose I chose the other, eventually years later said friend moved around a bunch, came back to town, looked up my number and reached out, realized he was in the wrong, been good friends since
I told a girl not to hang out with a fukboy coworker, found out 3 yearz later and a baby that she was cheating on me while I was at work lol she started telling me the bad news after I signed a birth certificate and lied for another year n a half about it all... Got depressed and never recovered yet...
I used to be really bad with recieving criticism from my partner. It took a while to lower my defenses and acknowledge that he was coming from a place of love and care for me that I was able to listen to him. And his concerns were valid, I'm taking much better care of myself now.
1. My wife and I always talk things through with things that make us upset. We talk things through and help each other understand and try to come to an agreement. If we don't agree on something we come to a compromise. 2. We're happy with being with each other all the time. Our personal time still involves being with each other but we don't always speak or stay next to each other. 3. We both suffer from depression and anxiety so we understand each other a lot. If one brings themselves down, we reassure them. Remind each other why we love each other but also understand that it's okay to feel that way at times. Just as long as we know we're there for each other. 4. We don't offer ultimatums, we come to an agreement that we both agree on. I feel like we understand each other enough to do that. 5. No silent treatments because we don't argue. The only time we remain silent with each other is if one is having a bad day and we let each other have their space until they're ready to talk.
Haven’t been in a romantic relationship yet, and watching this video made me realize that I still have a lot to work on myself, so I wouldn’t be a burden to my future partner. Thanks for this! Please keep on making ones like this.
Weirdly enough, after therapy, a lot of self introspection and actively trying not to hate myself, I stopped being insecure in my most recent relationships and I'm currently super happy in my current one. The "weird" part was that I was way less insecure when I started meeting and dating guys instead of just girls.
@@KaiIchiRu96 It means that during break-up or after relationship break if you are emotionally unstable and not able to move on or stagnant at a place then you should go for therapy, counselling, sessions, medications and journal writing. All of them help a lot,though not instantly..but with due course of time.
I hate that I’m not already perfect, I feel horrible for even having to educate myself on how to be a proper partner to someone I love and care for so much. I love these videos, I’m always learning ❤️ thank you
Great video. My ex-wife and I ALWAYS behaved like two children playing in a sandbox when we were married, and it was a great marriage till she left. We were best buddies and have mutual understanding. Totally, we support one another. I still adore her and frequently find myself thinking about her despite my best efforts to do otherwise. I don't know why I am bringing this up, but I simply can't help it; I love her so much.
@@stevenjackson9301 as someone who has those beliefs never do a conjure out of whim desire, it won't work and only the person that's the most in love will suffer because is not just what you want. You have to always consider what the other person wants cause then you're selfish & it shows exactly why she left in first place. If she left out of a negative spell then that's when it can work because she didn't left wanting to but because someone else wanted to. If she wanted to leave & has contundent reasons, then you shouldn't spiritually force her back. Because the person that's gonna be the one for you no matter what, will always come back. You should never force anyone to be with you specially spiritually sooner or later it won't end in a nice way. Just telling you the rules on how those things are supposed to work, which nobody will tell you because sadly this ability is like everything else in the world many around want to scam or get money out of it & well I don't condone it so make sure you're careful with what you do.
This video could be the most truthful thing I saw ever. I had a friend who did more than half these; I absolutely loved this friend. He was dear to me. But our relationship ended, because I couldn't stand him anymore.
I think The Silent Treatment could be extended to passive aggression as a whole. It's something I struggle with a lot. I use passive aggression to try and imply something's wrong without actually coming out and saying what's wrong. It's hard to put in words the motivation, but ultimately it doesn't work. If you want someone to recognize there's a problem just come out and say it. Start a conversation. That's the only way thing's are gonna change, and you won't paint yourself into a corner of feeling ignored when they don't pick up on your hint you were trying to drop.
It's a common behavior with narcists as a way to manipulate people as well. Passive-aggressiveness in general is behavior that, in particular, what are known as "vulnerable narcissists" display regularly. I'm not implying anything here; the fact that you are willing to make an honest self-assessment and change behavior shows that you are not a narcissist, just pointing it out 🙂
i struggle with 2:50 but my bf knows i have BPD and it can effect the way i see my self so he actually reassures me out of the blue sometime and i haven’t worn make up in quite a bit because of him i just want to say for ppl with BPD there is hope for a relationship and ik it’s hard but don’t ever give up and let your partner know you have it or even could have it and go talk to someone about it trust me it’s helps sm
I'm recently going through a fresh breakup and the reasons were reflected in this video. It's sad because seeing the solutions to the problems they seem so simple, but I guess when you're in the situation it's so hard to see the light at the end of the tunnel. I would personally get defensive when he tried to bring up a problem and I know this has ties to my childhood trauma, so sad I couldn't see this sooner.
Mental illness can cause you to bring yourself down a lot, not meaning to cause problems for your partner. I had this problem in relationships and I never meant for it to hurt my partner, yet I couldn't help that my mind produced these thoughts and feelings. It really made me think that my illness makes relationships impossible.
The silent treatment was one of the things that killed my most recent relationship. It wasn't the only factor, but it was one of them and certainly one of the major ones. It made me realize that me and my partner would ever hardly be compatible when it came to handling conflict. It was also quite annoying because sometimes it would be over trivial stuff (by trivial, I mean trivial, once it was because I ate a cheap cheese I could have easily replaced had he simply asked me to instead of being offended). It was unhealthy and when he did it when we were going through a rough patch, I just decided "Screw this", dropped the bomb and honestly, I don't regret my decision at all, although I still care about him very much and admire and respect him. Thankfully, we're still friends to this day.
I love the art style used in this, it's cute while getting information across. This video helped me because I'm relatively new to relationships and stuff like that, and I want to know how to better fit the feelings and needs of the person I like, so I'm not doing things they dislike and accidentally disrespecting them and making them feel bad.
I always try to stay positive, and spread good vibes to everyone, and I can tell when someone needs alone time. I have said the most painful things that have happened to me in a positive voice and people don't seem to feel as bad. I want everyone to be happy and I definitely don't want them to feel like it's their fault. Always stay positive, even in the worst times.
#3 is sad but true because there is a limit to how much pain and suffering of yours a partner can absorb, even if they love you. Constantly being an outlet for someone can wear down anyone.
The third one hit me hard. One of the most difficult things I had to deal with in my previous relationship was my boyfriend constantly bringing himself down, saying negative and hurtful things about himself. No matter times I told him to stop because not only were the things he was saying untrue, but hearing him say those things broke my heart, he just wouldn’t stop
I've been dating my girlfriend since may 2019, this is the second time I find one of these videos and I'm amazed on how well they describe her. I've been trying to do the imposible to help her out like if I was a therapist, she has moments where she hates herself or when she hates to see her own image in the mirror. She is the kind of person that makes you wonder how the hell does she think she is ugly but she trully believes that. We tried to look for help with therapy about a year ago and the experience was the worst it could be, leaving a sensation in which it seemed "that no therapy could help her" (it's just a sensation, we know that's not it, but the sensation remains). She had the kind of therapist that works for her medical insurance (idk if that's the correct translation) which is the kind of old lady who doesn't treat her patients like actual people with problems but as numbers, as customers so to say. I don't have the resources to help her and every time I'm willing to do the sacrifice even if that makes me see her less, she gets against it, completely, even if she knows that this is for her own good she cannot control it, this turns into this vicious circle in which I feel I have no power whatsoever no matter what I do. Her emotions have much more power over her than herself even though she is conscious about this. Her parents just suck, really, her family is so full of mental issues that pulling her away from them would be the only way for her mental state to get better but if I did that I could create a new problem for the realtionship with my own hands. Her parents are the kind of people who think that being able to live under a roof and having food on the table is everything that's needed to be happy (which is pretty stupid because they are clearly unhappy as well and just got used to feeling that way). That may be enough to be happy for me or for someone else with simple philosophies, but it's obvious that for other people it's not enough. I wish I had an answer, a clear answer on what to do to help her. I would love to send her these videos but for starters she doesn't speak english, and second it's very possible that she would see this video like a critic to her. She may think that I shouldn't be with someone with that many mental issues (I'm really tired of explaining that I wouldn't be with her if that was the case)
I really _really_ suggest dialectical behavior therapy. This is what worked for me as someone with a personality disorder that screws with my emotions, self image, identity etc.
Actually had a friend of mine giving me the silent treatment recently... for like a whole week. It sucks and just hurts. Glad we were able to talk it out.. Though it feels like our friendship took a dent...
Yup carefully, had the same thing Had a good friend, but after just little arguments she just ignored me for weeks Happened a few times until I broke with her Was a way of being angry I just couldn't accept
@@geennaam1201 Was not even because she was mad in this case. All that happends was me trying to play a game together and her friends did not like me and told her to block me. pfff.
I don’t give the silent treatment. I just cut you off if you disrespect me. I did that to a friend of 15 years. She disrespected me and I decided she wasn’t good for my mentality. She wasn’t going to apologize and I’m not going to beg anyone to be in my life. Eventually she texted me angry i haven’t contacted her when she’s the one that went off on me in the first place.
i've been given the silent treatment for a whole year, then we started talking again for a couple months, then now im back on a 3-4 year silent treatment. it's weird because each time they blocked me from most platforms and kept me on one but ghost me and they just can't delete me.
Had a "friend" who did that to me for months on end, even though they went off on me, first. They kept teasing me and playing games, too. I didn't understand. They wouldn't talk to me, and everybody thought I wasn't good enough for them to be friends with. Then they started talking to me one random day again, only to move far away, and ghost me for 5+ years, then visit me randomly one day, then ghosted me again. I am DONE with them. If someone has a problem with me, say it TO MY FACE, scream at me, whatever. Whoever thinks the silent treatment is silly, it's really one of the worst things you can do to another person, because at least when you're scrming at someone, you're acknowledging their existence. You just feel like a pile of crud when someone who is supposed to be your friend doesn't even do that.
I've never done any of these to my loved one even when she did them to me. Two years ago, I decided that I would make her feel accepted, lucky and happy, so I turned a blind eye on her flaws and I've celebrated her improvements and achievements ever since. Still, she broke up with me after these 5 years. My mental health has degradated so much (without me noticing) that it was affecting her too. So I wanted to add one more advice: - Love yourself and take care of your own mental and physical health first. You can't have a healthy relationship without those two.
This was a really good video, but you perfectly identified two things that me and my ex were doing to each other. She was constantly needing reassurances and it was draining me (probably her too). Then when I was worn out, I would start to get frustrated and give her the silent treatment because I needed time to recover from attending to her needs. It wasn't just a heart break when it ended, I haven't been the same since and it's been a little while now. It was so painful to see how we were both good, loving people.... but we weren't good for each other. 💔
Exactly. Just Leave and find someone new! Delete all photos forget about her/him and go on! Find someone that you can put your emotional level in him/her exactly as you do in yours ;)
I absolutely fucking hate it when people don't express what they want. That's one of the biggest turn offs for me. If you can't express your wants and needs then don't talk to me. Because that means you don't care about the relationship that I'm trying to build with you. I had this one guy trying to toy with me because he was bored and never expressed what I was doing to make him avoid me so much. So all this time it was like a game trying to talk to him because he was just so distant. And all the time I spent trying to talk to him was all for nothing.
that's exactly what happened to me. you have no idea how much i fucking hated it, i was in a terrible mental state at the time and her constant ignorance always made me feel mentally unstable because i was extremely worried everytime (thoughts that came in where things such as, "did she harm herself?!" "did something happen to her?!", "is she mad at me?", "did i do something wrong?" "why is she treating me this way?", etc) and the reason why i was constantly on-guard was because she was in a dangerous situation at the time which made me keep an eye and try to check up on her to see if she was okay. but even after that situation, it still happened and i've noticed that the ignoring had increased after she got out of that situation, it really made me feel like i was used emotionally. yeah i agree, i was definetly mentally unstable to handle a relationship and i should've known better, but to me entering that relationship was my only hope to feeling better about myself at the time. and even tho she emotionally abused/ cheated on me at the end i managed to grow from it and move on (for the most part). i can't deny that the emotional damage that she caused me is still remanant in my head but i'm trying my best to still heal from the scars that entire relationship left me.
Number 3 hits me a lot and this is the one I fear the most. Back when I was younger, I wasn't considered "attractive" and I had an awful self-image, then I had a "glow-up". People treat me differently now, way more compliments and romantic attempts/flirting occurred. However, the insecurity and body dysmorphia still stayed. I fear this can give my significant other an ick.
I felt that. I was a ugly, poor, fat kid. Now I'm better looking, slim, and have a little money but I still feel like that shy fat kid. My wife says all the time " if you only knew how attractive and awesome you are." It's hard for me to see it but her love makes me feel like I can believe in myself.
@@kiethj7 I know I'm a bit late to say this but maybe it helps you. There are actually some really interesting studies about why this happens. If you used to be told that you are ugly (for example) continously, it's not only that you start believing it over time but there is actually a self defense mechanism going on. If someone calls you ugly, you lose control to some extent. By saying "I am ugly" yourself, you have the control about it. This may sound weird but there are two choices. Them saying you are ugly (you don't have the control) or you saying you are ugly (you have the control) and we will pick the one over the other any day, obviously. I don't know if you play (or used to play) video games but maybe you know the moment when you destroyed someone and on their last life they just killed themselfes to end it or maybe you've even done it yourself. It's the exact same thing, we will lose anyways so why not in our own control? Because yk if you lose by getting killed by the other one, you lose and don't even have control about it. Now if you've been doing this thing in relationships for a while (for example abusive relationships), this self defense mechanism burns into your mind. It creates a trauma. People "loved" you and let you down over and over again. This is extremely painful and actually more painful than not believing someone loves you in the first place and this is the fascinating part that you develop during all this mental abuse: Your world only makes sense when your partner doesn't love you. If you make sure they don't love you, you can't be hurt anymore, you're safe. Them telling you they love you regardless makes you even more insecure because you can't have that safety. You will continue doing this whole insecurity thing with "ohh I'm so ugly" "admit it, you find me ugly" etc, that it will eventually drive your partner away and guess what: your beliefs were confirmed. They left you. They never loved you. They never found you attractive. It's a never ending cycle that is extremely difficult to get out of.
My girlfriend is trying her damnedest to find a common ground .. I've noticed that alot of my reactions to this could be pushing her away! She likes to watch her tv and I play my game in the living room so she can have her space ! I love her for everything she brings to this relationship ! This video helped me realize I am doing right in taking responsibly fair approaches to these adaptations ! She's drives a lot different and I've always been one up for change ! Chris and nori
I believe the points displayed in this video doesnt only applies to romantic relationships but to every relationship. We must all love and respect each other and be empathetic towards others, for bringing kindness to others is what makes us human
I struggle with number 3 in the list, and sometimes I start believing that I am doing that which takes me down a spiral of worry of loss. I've been trying to "make myself believe" I am capable of things and that I am not hurting my relationship. Hope this helps someone who is out there reading the comments.
You did not ask for advice or anything like that, so please ignore what I am writing if you think that it is patronizing or smth. like that. I think you dont ow anyone a big selfesteem, but yourself. I think it is not healthy to pressure yourself in to thinking that you must change, for someoe else. I think it all boils down to: "your partner is not your therapist" I think it is legitimate to expect that people in close relationships (of all kinds) help each other if they have trouble, physically, or mentally. But at the same time I think it is important to know when one is having problems of bigger dimensions. If that is the case, and these problems dont go away I think it is important not to put ones load at ones close people, atleast not for extended periods of time. In such a case I think it is important to seek therapy (I am writing this from germany where therapy is covered by public healthcare, so seeking therapy here is obviously easyer than in other countrys), or to take part in a support group. In such institutions there are people that singned up to help specificly with the problems you have. If you read till her, thank you :o) , and do you understand what I am trying to say? I wish you all the best.
I can definitely confirm that bringing myself down in my first relationship really was the main reason as to why it ended. Don't make the same mistake people!
@@MerryMoss Yes I do. Just have some more confidence and faith in yourself and don't be worried about what they think of you, because if they leave you or get upset with you for no valid reason then they were not right for you in the first place. Another thing is to not be so needy, and not ask so many questions and just not get too emotionally attatched but still be invested and put in effort. Anything related to your situation you would like to know or any advice?
@MerryMoss @@aw111986 A lot of Psych2Go and similar lists on social media have this problem: they're good surface level summaries of a topic. But there's *SO* much nuance and depth, when you look closer or try to fix things. Merry, one thing often brought up in positive psych & hippie groups is regularly journaling the things you have to be grateful for; including positive qualities you have. The paradox is that someone *else* telling you you have it good is so toxic and dismissive of your problems that it can lead some people to self-harm, and yet one of the most successful therapy methods to combat depression and self-hate is regularly taking time to look at the positives in your life. It has to come from within and it takes time. It _cant_ be forced. Imo, it's the reason why a relationship can't fix you (even if it helps), and why even a supportive partner who gives you tons of affirmation, can't necessarily override your self-doubts
I notice so many of these traits within myself and my partner.. this is both reassuring, and startling to realise so many of my own behaviours are toxic in their core. See, I lost my mom this year- and ten days before that we lost her Dad, my Poppy. It's been such a hard road, and the grief is unimaginable. This year has done so much to me that I need to take a serious look in the mirror and reevaluate. Thank you for the insight 🥹
What I found as profound and amazing, was just the bare minimum. My current partner recognized this early on, and let me know that I do deserve more than just the bare minimum and they don't brag about how they preform the bare minimum. The love I've been shown and continue to see is so reassuring. I'm someone who is still healing from past relationships but am ultimately getting better on my own, while having the gentle support of my partner. I used to and sometimes still give the silent treatment when angry/drained as I was taught by my parents, however, I have been getting better with it; saying that I need some space and some silent time to myself to think, and if need be, cry. My partner understands my need for space without judgement. Of course we both have things we need to work on both individually and as a couple-- even so, I have a great lover.
i had a friend who had some of these issues and helped them with it, if yall are getting in an argument always remember agreement communication comes first and not let your negative emotions take over, or else you would be talking negative things to your partner, for whoever is not with their partner, keep in mind that they are also thinking about you the same as how you miss them 👍 *_learned this from experience_*
I always bring myself down and that always ends in insecurity and envy to others, and also leads to possessiveness, and watching this helped me to know my mistakes and stop them
not in a relationship or looking for one but i love to watch these videos just to make sure im a better person and or know how to make others feel happier
I actually saw some things I did and some things my partner did... These were the healthiest relationships I had, and acknowledging those things helps me to go through the end of them in a healthier way Thank you!
This helped me feel so validated. The pattern of old relationships and it made me understand that it was valid for me to resent my partner after such behaviors kept showing up.
Yup. Angry reactions to criticism, ultimatums and silent treatment killed mine dead in the water. Even if your partner is aware of how important communication is, when it gets down to it sometimes they just don’t care. If you can’t communicate openly and freely you will never be happy in a relationship. I’d rather stay single forever than have to be with someone who treats me like that again. If that’s how ur partner acts and they’re unwilling/unable to change, get out sooner rather than later.
i think it’s toxic immaturity that destroys relationships. in my case, i was so hurt from the way i was treated not only in past romantic relationships but my relationship with my parents. being surrounded with toxicity, walking on eggshells, listening to people blow up on each other and getting lashed out at definitely hurt me and influenced my choices. this caused me to not only undervalue friendships but the relationships i formed with people i loved. i had a loving, caring and kind boyfriend who put up with my emotional immaturity. i would lash out at him and overall treat him like he was beneath me. not only that but the overthinking and saying things i didn’t mean, such as, “this isn’t gonna last. just move on.” and insulting him for no reason. because that was my normal i ended up hurting him. i have since changed my ways and proven to him that i am worth being with, but right now we are broken up. this kind of behavior drains the energy out of people, always remember before getting into a relationship with someone that you are emotionally and mentally capable. don’t subject your partner to abuse just because you’re used to it. take it from me
not only this, but if i wasn’t lashing out i was pushing him away or giving him the silent treatment. he had such a kind and affectionate character and i wore him down and turned him into someone who hurt me consistently and repeating my past mistakes. i hope this helps people, please don’t be toxic like me. if you know you have problems, are mentally unstable/are aware you are toxic, work on yourself first before hurting someone else who doesn’t deserve it
With my partner I keep communication open as much as I can. I ask her if there are any problems or nitpicks she has about us or anything else. I let her know my own insecurities and we talk about them. I present my best while letting her know i'm not perfect. I'm sure she appreciates this because i'm willing to leave myself vulnerable for the sake of our relationship. I trust her completely and that's what I want her to see from me.
Thank you for making this video. I could relate myself to all of these and now I understand what my partner tries to tell me about myself. Luckily he’s still with me and is patient. It brought me to tears because this gave me an eye opener on how I am and how it effects him. Thank you.
Thank you for this. I had a disastrous relationship a few years ago, and am still working through it, so videos like these that help me to understand how to be/do better, and to learn and grow, are wonderful. I know I was certainly guilty of responding angrily to criticism, giving the silent treatment, and several other things which harmed our relationship, and I constantly think about what I might have done differently... Thank you for including in this video "bringing yourself down." This was definitely one of the key things that I think destroyed our relationship - no matter what I did, it felt to me like my ex was just endlessly insecure, depressed, anxious... she had real, serious, mental health issues that were not being addressed and that were far beyond my ability to resolve - a partner is not a substitute for a therapist. On some of the other points, though... I understand that this is only a short video, and of course you can't cover everything. But I do wonder about more nuanced, complex treatments of some of these issues - e.g. including what it is a person does that leads their partner to get angry at criticism, or to give the silent treatment. I never gave my ex the silent treatment as a punishment, or in order to be mean to her. I gave her the silent treatment because I was so overwhelmed with criticism and tensions, with the numerous issues in our relationship that I barely even knew what to say. And because I felt like she *always* prioritized her needs over mine, and never created a space where I felt I could feel comfortable to express my needs, or why I was hurting, or what she could change. She made me feel like everything in the relationship was my fault - that I was the one who needed to change, to do better, to step up and do more - and I got caught up in her view of things and couldn't muster a point of view where I even deserved to push back, stand up for myself. So I just suffered. And, similarly, with criticism, I think it has a lot to do with how the criticism is given. The tone, the mood. By all means, I very much understand the importance of taking suggestions in stride and making small changes in one's life. I won't eat in bed. I won't crunch and make loud noises when we're trying to watch a movie. But when the criticism comes to consume every aspect of your life, and when it begins to impinge upon your own comfort and mental health (e.g. my showers, my sleep), I think there are conditions where such extensive and interminable criticism inevitably leads to frustration, and to angry outbursts. I absolutely hate feeling like I ever match negative stereotypes of how men are, and I tried so hard to suppress or restrain my anger. But when you can't shower, use the toilet, brush your teeth, choose what to wear, choose what to eat, drive, sleep, or buy groceries without being criticized for how you did it; when any attempt to discuss it calmly and properly results in her standing firm that she thinks you're wrong and that you need to step up, again, more and more, work harder and harder, to change, again... well, I tried changing. I still got criticized. I tried talking to her about it. It got me nowhere. I tried not talking to her about it, and waiting, desperately, for her to mellow out on her own. That didn't work. And so, finally, it turned to anxiety (walking on eggshells, unable to even move without fear that I'd be criticized for something), depression, frustration, and, yes, anger. ... So, I would like sometimes to see the other side of these issues also discussed. Why is your partner so angry when you criticize them? Why is your partner giving you the silent treatment? Have you done enough on your end to make them feel safe and comfortable talking with them about /their/ feelings, their perceptions of the issue, and their needs? Thanks so much.
I wanna share this to a friend of mine because she's been on and off with a guy for a couple years. From what she tells our group of friends I can see some of these behaviors on both her and her partner. We always tell her she deserves more but she's always finding a way to give him a chance. It's a long distance relationship as well. One of my friends even tried hinting for her to try going to therapy because we can see that this relationship has given her some trauma, especially with the attachment. But she didnt seem open to that. We try to give advice and she'll follow it but after a while she stops listening and the cycle continues. I want to share this with her but I feel that it will just go over her head and to the back of her mind.
Points 1 and 2 hit pretty hard. 1) I reacted angrily to her humor. This led to her feeling incompatible and not being able to be herself. 2) I always tried to hog her free time. She told me she felt suffocated and overwhelmed. We never communicated through this. I eventually learned that people need time and space to themselves too, whether it be a few days or even a week. Talk about it clearly. 3,4,5 were not problems for us. But I feel my angrily reacting to her a lot really killed a potentially life long relationship. If anyone's reading this and dealing with a similar situation, my no. 1 advice is to learn to walk away when angry. And put the phone down before sending a text youll regret. Go for a walk and clear your head for 10 minutes and understand what you do and say WILL have lasting consequences for your partner. I learned this the hard way and going to therapy to try and improve.
I recently learned about these topics from a family communications class i took in college. I genuinely think this is an excellent video, it’s explains things so simply and so thoroughly at the same time. Well done keep it up.
I've just been in a relationship recently and it's also me and my partner's first relationship. I'm quite happy we're both very open to anything and can say no one is toxic that has done any of these behaviours. Although I could relate to the 3rd one in this video. Our relationship has brought out my most sensitive and vulnerable sides and insecurities but what I'm most happy about is it is also the reason I'm learning to be stronger and accepting of myself and it's all thanks to that person.
because of your videos, I finally gained the courage to ask my crush out and it went great, so now i want to make sure i wont damage the relationship I am in. thanks for your work in improving mental health for the world its hard work so good job so far.
And yes from my experience and for myself personally, showing to much criticism is bad, being depressed all the time depending on what it is also bad, not communicating is a big one, fighting over and over is another no no, letting your friend be around way to much is a no no as well, not letting them see there friends is another no no, not speaking up or protecting them, not showing support, not showing affection, not taking action for there own faults, cheating, flirting with other people, watching 18+ stuff online (depending if they don't care), hiding how you feel inside than come out later or not at all I can go on and on.
Man. Number 3 really got me there. My brother kept on ignoring me and I tried to help him with his problems. But didn’t needed my help. Right now I’m still trying to find a way to somehow get him to speak to me. Thank you for this awesome video it really touched me. ❤
One of the things I struggled with in my last relationship was being able to decipher which things he said were criticisms or just trying to help me, because there were times where he told me I'm really stubborn and I worked on that and am not so stubborn anymore, but at the same time would tell me my optimism is annoying or critiqued how I talked or even that I'm really presumptuous and I couldn't sift through all the bs. He also gave a very bad ultimatum when I was at his house and I thought space would have been best, he said if I went home we would be over. He said things that made me think he was projecting his abandonment issues onto me and would stonewall me. He also discouraged me from talking to my family about relationship issues because he didn't want their perception of him to get messed up, but I personally think if I had told them we wouldn't have been together nearly as long (4 years). I believe his intentions were good but but he is a wounded soul who is an angry, draining, and negative person and by default all of that got pushed onto those around him. That's not an excuse to treat people a certain way, but it helps me to process what was really happening instead of me blaming myself.
This video made me realize my last relationship was toxic as could be, the only difference is that I blamed myself for everything that happened because I was cheated on and thought it was because I was the worst partner. Turns out this video explains some of the things my ex did to me. This whole time I thought I was always going to be the problem in any relationship and makes me undeserving of a loving relationship. Now I know that it wasn't always just me that had problems to work on. This video has opened my eyes and Im thankful.
Im a perpatrator of going through the phone... i notices my ex was talking with a whole bunch of guys and always on her phone and paid very little attention to me. And that started to make me lose trust. But all she called me was insecure! So one day she left phone unattended and looked through and saw she was sending nudes to everyone of those guys. I was devastated not at the fact she commiting adultery but the fact i was right to lose trust. Theres a difference between being insecure and calling someone out when they are being sus af
I'm sorry you were cheated on, sometimes your gut is right. And although finding put you're right hurts. At least you know that's it's definitely time to move on. I think this point more goes for people who've dealt with this. And haven't resolved their trust issues. And so just goes through their partners phone whenever they get anxious about being cheated on. Which isn't fair to your partner, if they're aware of your past. And has made it clear, and proved to you that they wouldn't betray you like that. My boyfriend has also been cheated on in the past. He has moments where he asks me if I still love him. And if I'd ever cheat. Or ask if I'm talking to someone else out of anxiety. But for the most part. He doesn't stress over it. If he obsessively went through my phone and constantly asked/accused me of cheating though. I'd most definitely get tired of the accusations and break up with him.
At school I accidentally offended my best friend, they gave me the silent treatment when I asked what I did. But the worse thing is that the next day they acted like it never happened. This has happened multiple times and I’m sick of it.
My cousin was like this. I figured out that she would have these secret competitions with me then I started secretly helping her win her secret competitions so she’d feel better about herself. There’s people out here that turn everything into a competition and hate losing so..
Every time I watch one of these videos, I can't help but feel like I'm just unlovable. I mean, I only really do #3 on this list, but that's still too much toxic behavior. It's no wonder nobody wants me. No matter how much I try to change and get better, there's always something I'm doing wrong, and these videos highlight that perfectly. I'm terrified of even watching them because I KNOW there's going to be something on the list that says "nope! You fixed all that other stuff, but here's EVEN MORE reasons why you deserve to die alone and unloved!" I know that's not the purpose of the videos, but I guess I'm just too horrible to use them properly.
nobody's perfect! but maybe you should stop watching these videos. : ) i promise that you arent horrible or unlovable. the fact that you so clearly want to improve means that youre already doing the best you can. you are not a bad person. and i promise there are people out there who want to help. i wish you the best of luck, and stay strong
You are not unlovable trust me! The fact that you are trying your best to avoid negative characteristics shows that you really will and do care for your future partner. Whether they reciprocate that or not is not based upon you, but based upon them (and sometimes even a reflection of them) You are beautiful, strong and amazing the way you are. I was and (sometimes still am) just like you, but I've come to realize that the root of feelings of inadequacy are more in regards to how you see your self and confidence in yourself. I know everyone goes through feelings of insecurity but what I would recommend is try to look at the good things about you and the things you can do vs. the things you can't Let me know if I can help any further :)
@@lilyilyilyilyily yeah, I guess that makes sense. I guess the main reason I subject myself to this torture is because there's a little part of my brain that goes "you have to watch it! You could be doing something extremely hurtful without realizing it!" and it's really hard to ignore that little part because my biggest fear is that I'll drive my partner away by accident without even realizing.
@@donaverboxwood yup, i understand that feeling. it's why im here right now, lol. fortunately or unfortunately im a little more well-versed in the art of not caring than most people, but it gets to me. the main thing to keep in mind is that when you obsess over trying to "fix" yourself, you often end up becoming worse. my best advice is to just try not to care, and if you find that you cant do that, tell them how you feel. good luck
Watching this on my period made me visit healing wounds and some of them are still sore. I hope you find someone to share a nice lifetime together! No one is perfect, but at least you can try your best to make somoene happy and be happy in return ❣
Are you currently in a relationship? Comment below if you're single and we will hook you up ;)
I’m Single but I gotta crush on this girl, and I’m thinking about asking her out on the last day of School
i’ve got a crush on my best friend who’s also a girl… she’s probably straight
UPDATE: she is straight. but now me and my other best friend like eachother lol
UPDATE 2: Im with my best friend, It’s better because I’ve had a small crush on them too before and I didn’t wanna tell them because I was worried our 8+ years of friendship would vanish.
@@vaultofedits Goodluck, I hope it goes well!
@@tritonia_ Thanks ❤️
I'm single...
Time decides who you meet in life, your heart decides who you want in your life, and your behavior decides who stay in your life.
True.. Time is powerful
ua-cam.com/video/MWQzpx2dAU8/v-deo.html
Your comment hit different 💯
Behavior isn't everything, I did everything right but they still left in the end..
@@slamgrams11_16 but the thing is that we weren't too clingy to each other, we gave each other space when we needed alone time and we had lives outside of our relationship, even so, they had trouble with commitment so it ended up being our downfall, you can do everything right and a relationship can still fail, just how it goes :(
I totally felt touched by 3rd piece of advice. I've been struggling with my insecurities for YEARS and my boyfriend has always helped me, but a few months ago he told me that he felt overwhelmed by my constantly low self esteem. He said that he was feeling powerless and helpless, and after talking for a while he told me he had realized that the only thing he hates about me is the way I hate myself. That really hit me and I've been trying to improve since then, but I wish someone could have told me that I was not only hurting myself but also him.
We're still together and our relationship is healthier now, in case you wanted to know. I just wanted to comment about this because I think the 3rd recommendation is a very important one :)
Good for your relationship, i've been searching comment like you, would you like to share how to get more healthier from 3rd problem? Thank you 🥰
Thank you, this is my problem right now😭 I have this insecurities that I can't talk about him and I've been hiding it from him, just saying "I hate myself, not you". He keeps saying that he's alright but I don't think so. I'm hurt because I'm hurting myself and him. What should I do? Should I open things up with him? We're having a 1 day me time rn, and I want to improve and make right decision. That's why I came across to this video and it really helped me😭
So glad to hear you two are doing better now. He told you because he trusts you. Because I know some people (ex. me) would be immature that if their SO tells them what your BF told you, they would act defensive and will have a tendency to be upset. I know I have a lot of issues I need to resolve, so I don't want to pursue anyone romantically because of that. I don't wanna keep hurting people and friends just because I hate myself and I love the walls I've built around me.
Really good on both of you tbh. I'm glad you're working on your self-esteem, and I'm glad he told you what he didn't like in the relationship while naming his feelings.
That is exactly what happened to me just recently. My girlfriend also felt overwhelmed by my low self esteem and so she decided to break up with me which basically lowered my self esteem a lot more. It is so great that you're still together though.
To anyone in a relationship
Do NOT constantly bring up old relationships constantly. Don’t compare your partner to you ex ever, whether they were a good ex or a bad ex. Either way you’ll make them feel insecure and terrible. Don’t try and make them change some things about themself just because it reminds you of an ex. It’s damaging to the relationship.
Well said! Thanks for sharing
What if they ask you about the ex(es)?
I tend to do this because I have unrealized trauma from a past relationship and my partner does not mind listening
unless the things your said current partner does is what triggers you from your ex
This is so true! Can cause a lot of damage....
Most relationships suffer due to unclear communication. In my case, I expected my bf to know everything I wanted, without me sharing it. With time I have learned how to openly communicate. Also, we are now playing couple questions games like “Lovify”. Where we have to guess each other's expectations. Been 3 years into love & we are still trying to understand each other better 💗
That's the recipe for a lasting relationship, I wish you all the best! :)
I never thought about it but I feel I may have that issue too. thanks so much for the help. Cause I also sometimes have hidden expectations especially when I shut down.
they say that loving someone is no different than studying, as you will keep learning about each other, even years later.
I am still learning about some of my family members.
this is exactly what my ex-partner needed, open communication. Im coming from the guy perspective here, she wanted me to know everything she wanted without actually telling me what she wanted, now its all just over.
Communication only works if both partners have genuine feelings and no intention of using each other from the start. If one of them is a gold digger, for example, communication only makes thing worse because the gold digger will sweet talk and try to persuade you into their scheme. Communication with a narcissist is the worst because it'll only make you lose yourself so that the narcissist can control you. They will use words to play with your mind until you go crazy and then they put all the blame on you and play victims.
0:35 angrily reacting to criticism
1:30 disrespecting your partner's privacy
2:24 bringing yourself down
3:00 giving ultimatums
3:50 giving the silent treatment
ua-cam.com/video/VWxYo5-b_yc/v-deo.html
I have problems with #1 and #3 and lately I've been trying to get better and it's working. But it's so easy to fall into old habits, when I want to react angrily to something or say something mean I just remind myself not to do it cos I'm trying to be better
@@mrj4082 Good luck fella you deserve success 🙂
What does ultimatum mean? I’ve never heard that word
30:08 quandale dingle full lore
Just this week. I realized I displayed a behavior that I felt my boyfriend was uncomfortable with. He likes to watch this soap opera called The Ranch. He really likes it. I am the type of person to analyze shows, I do it to my own shows and it can bring up some good, deep topics. But I realized that just because I do it, doesn't mean my boyfriend would enjoy talking during the show. He just wants to watch it in peace. I brought this up with him, apologized for my actions, mentioned how I saw I was bothering him, and asked him to please be more open when I do these kinds of behaviors so I can catch it quickly. He expressed that he was annoyed with my backseat commentaries, thanked me for being self and environmentally aware, and said he would work on being more open with me. I made a promise to not make commentaries during his shows. Its a hard habit for me to rain in, sometimes I leave the room when the edge to chat is strong. But I also see how it helps me boyfriend have peace in what he watches. I'm not offended. I'm actually embarrassed I didn't catch it sooner.
You could write it down though! He can watch it in peace, and you get it out of your system.
No need to be embarrassed about recognizing a chance for you two to grow closer together and making the effort to do something about it :)
Yeah I used to do that with my ex. I couldn't watch some shows and be silent. Some of them were just plain stupid or dumb to me. Two people sitting on the couch watching a show not talking to each other we're interacting with each other or with the show. Sounds boring to me. But I do get the fact that for her she just wanted to watch it in peace. Since I worked nights and she worked days and there was lots of time during the week when we were not in the same house together my feeling was and still is that we should have watched things together that we both appreciated and liked..
My boyfriend and I like to analyze tv shows too. We talk through it sometimes but not the whole time. We save most of the talking until after the show to summarize what we just watched. If the show is mostly just entertainment and not too serious, then there is nothing to talk about. Honestly, a lot of people hate talking during movies/tv. As you can see in movie theators. It's common courtesy to not talk over the TV. But it just sounds like you two have different ways you watch it and coming to a healthy compromise is wonderful!
Maybe you can tweet about while watching the show! This can create debate online as you watch and help with this "urge", might help. :)
*FRIENDLY REMINDER* | Quality life doesn't come from superintelligence, wealth, or power. It comes from the ways that we live with kindness, love and peace.
Love from a small youtuber❤
Strongly agreed with you, kindness true love are real powers
@Telephone 🅥 thought was going to be strange kinda wholesome actually
Ngl if I had a few billion dollars to throw around I’d be pretty happy. Not saying I’d trade my friends or family for it but it’d definitely be niiiiice.
@@muckyesyesindisguise3854 money is a great plus to our happiness 😅 in some places having a lot of money means having access to medicines and doctors so let’s not forget about that
@@ChocoParfaitFra No one should argue with that, I totally agree. It will be pretty nice. Just in my case, Not for me, I will do my best to have them, { and I will] for only one purpose, to ease life for those who suffers because of the luck of many things, I did suffer from the luck of money and still , But Totally happy. Keep in mind I'm Talking about suffering till I don't have much to pay for my meals time to times...
So I totally understand deeply what it means.
Step 1: Get into relationship.
Impossible. Im too anxious and always find wrong person that i love
Guys, i can't find a tutorial for that one
@@ismael8926ua-cam.com/video/fBfDcH_kC_4/v-deo.htmlsi=fzQNqEHRSkydG_Ym 😂
Then it's over !!
Easy, just be an unattractive male, there and if you try you get arrested
I've been on the receiving end of the silent treatment several times, and I can attest it is definitely what destroyed the best relationship I've ever had. Ladies and gents, please make the effort to communicate with your partner, even if it's just to say you're not ready to talk and need some time to get your thoughts together. Simply saying you need some time is infinitely better than walking away refusing to talk, listen, or even acknowledge your partner's efforts to solve whatever challenge you're facing.
agreed 100%
This. My partner has not been good at communicating with me for a long time, and it has really upset me and caused me a lot of hurt.
The silent treatment hurts me the most, it's disrespect on top of a lack of empathy. Even just a "I need some space" is worth so much. I have no idea how someone even manages to say nothing, it feels impossible to do.
@@Cinnie.Stories It can be a bitter pill to swallow, but I've learned to recognize someone using it against me as a huge red flag. If they're not willing to respect us, we can do better. Let's go find better :)
What happens if the partner is not willing to communicate as he may have to explain certain issues that caused the rift??
As someone who delt with a partner with low self-esteem I can assure it's frustrating, it made me feel not enough, like my compliments meant nothing to them, luckily, after some time and some help, it has changed and now they are much more secure about themselves, it really changed our relationship for good.
How did your partner start changing to make themselves more confident? (If it's personal though, no need to answer)
@@Ricky-ce3jo in resume, taking care of their physical and metal health, learning to love themselves for who they are no matter what.
they started to work on themselves by themselves for themselves. It all started with him growing his hair, something he always wanted to do but never committed, than he started to workout and eat more healthy, it lead to a better sleeping schedule and more energy, I think this combined with self development on the emotional health and stability made him overall more confident, he is still a bit self conscious about some things, his height for example, but since is something that can't me changed he just let's go of it and focuses on the things he can controll and be better at.
@@santana4899 thank you for the insight friend, I'm trying to work on myself and I'm happy to see I'm on the right path. I hope the two of you are doing well, much love from an internet stranger.
@@Ricky-ce3jo thank you fellow internet stranger, we are in a much better place now and on a road to a life of happiness, I wish you the best on your journey!
I think it's thanks to you then :O
And now that I saw your story, I'm even more afraid of getting in a relationship with someone.... As I have a very low self-esteem
My partner of 2.5 years recently ended our relationship because she felt suffocated by me. I didn't ever mean to make her feel this way, but I realize that it was insecurity and specifically bringing myself down that made her feel this way. I would get jealous over little things and tried my best not to make it a big deal, but she always took extra care to avoid making me feel that way by limiting herself and what she could do. I would need constant reassurance, and she must have been so drained from those things.
It's only now that I'm realizing the lengths she went for me and I feel so, so terrible that I put her through that for so long. She made me so happy and I wish I could've done the same for her. I don't even know where to begin to start improving myself. I've tried reaching out to the friends I've made over the years but it's so hard to pull myself back up again. Thank you for pointing out one of the issues I had. Identifying the issue is always the first step to resolving it.
Sorry about this... you got this!
You already started improving yourself! The fact that you don’t just blame her for the end of the relationship but you digging deeper to identify what caused it to end is a major step :). You sound like a very self-reflected and empathic guy which speaks for you.
Kudos to you for owning your actions.
F
You are so brave and smart man to be able to notice this in you, and to want to improve yourself. I wish more people in this world could aknowledge whats going on with them for better relationships.
Currently 5 years into a relationship and have suffered, endured, and recovered from every single one of these behaviours/scenarios. They're completely normal and should be taken as problems that need solving rather than something you should avoid just because you don't like it. Communication is key and it doesn't always come out as figurative talk, but it will make your bond with your partner a lot stronger and you'll feel more liberated at the same time.
I wish I had time to recover from some of my issues before she decided it was too much to deal with.
The self-esteem part speaks a lot to me especially… and I still feel so guilty for the way things ended.
Never thought a banana had so much knowledge
Whatever you do don't leave that relationship, just keep facilitating that behaviour
Pride is also something that can kill a relationship.
My girlfriend, who I’ve been with for a little over a year now brought something to my attention recently. She explained how I do things she doesn’t like and she does things that I don’t like. She then went on to say how if I do something that upsets her, it shouldn’t take me ten minutes to apologize. It should just be an immediate reaction. In that moment I realized something, I realized that my pride was killing my own relationship. Whenever I would do something bad on my part, I wouldn’t see it as bad, but she would. And it would take me long to apologize because my pride wouldn’t allow me to understand her mindset and reasoning for being upset. In my mind I would say “ apologize? Apologize for what? Why do I always have to apologize for everything? I don’t understand what I did wrong. “. This would always be after we had an argument or I made a joke that she found insensitive. She even said how she was considering breaking up with me. She explained how she still loved me but she felt that the both of us needed time and space to mature. But eventually she decided against it and just decided to tell me how she felt. She explained how she loved me too much to cut ties and she couldn’t bring herself to do it ( thank god ).
Good for you. I'm living my best life single
@@lostafronaut4647 savage lmao
Sounds like attachments issues too in that relationship.
I love the self reflection in this comment! I’m glad you guys are working things out!
Nah I disagree, they should tell me why they are upset. Other wise It would be a fake one. If someone told me to say sorry and I should know instantly what I did was wrong then I’d rather not hang out with them. So I really think it depends on certain things.
My toxic trait, is that I tend to act on emotions rather than talk them out. Im trying to improve, but I have my moments. Sorry if im over sharing. I just feel this is a safe space to talk about this. Remember, we all have toxic traits, I have more, this is just the one I feel I need to work on the most.
You don't even have to apologize, wishing you well and best of luck!
My two toxic traits is that I always blame everything on myself, and I am physically unable to drink stuff without a straw, with the exception of water.
@@jarjarthebredloaf I wouldn’t call the second one a toxic trate, as its not harming anyone. Unless the straw is plastic, then it is.
And the best way to deal with negative self tak, if to remember that there are allways worse people out there.
UA-cam is not a safe space. Just a heads up. Wishing you the best
@Repent and believe in Jesus Christ ???
I would like to add one: ignoring or disrespecting boundaries no matter how big or small they may seem. My ex did this to me a lot and it killed any and all feelings I had for him because it made me realize he didn't respect me and didn't truly care about what upset me or made me very uncomfortable.
Wouldn't that fit in number 2?
@@defnotnaruto222 yes but also no. My ex didn't respect my boundaries with my body and how i didn't like to be touched in certain areas and I felt disrespected a lot because of it. the boundaries they were talking about was boundaries with their lives, i'm talking about personal boundaries with their bodies. this could be touching the person in a certain way that may seem like no big deal to you and even something you enjoy doing, that person has set that boundary for a reason and it should be respected, even if it's something 'silly' like not touching their hair. you may really want to touch their hair and play with it, but that person said no, so you shouldn't regardless of how 'silly' it may seem to you and you may think 'it's just hair' but what you really should be thinking is 'while this is what i want to do, i respect and care about my partners feelings enough not to do the thing they told me specifically NOT to do'. disrespecting such boundaries can make the person feel unsafe around you and like they constantly have to be on guard with you, especially if you've done it multiple times to them and you are pretty much pushing them out of love with you because they don't feel safe or heard. and yes, some of this does tie into 2 but not to the extent i was referring to which is more towards physical boundaries and consent.
@@justaweirdonothingtoseeher1393 not trying to be mean, but what Is the point of you having a boyfriend if you don't like being touched in certain areas that especially isn't extremities? This is a legitimate question im not being a smart ass. It sounds like to me, you don't want to be touched very much, if at all period. If I was in that guy's shoes, I would've apologized to you and respected your boundaries and stopped then and there. but I also would've ended the relationship the next day afterwards. Why? Simple. Love language. Everyone's is different. I cannot express how I feel towards someone very well in words. I prefer and am much better at showing someone how I feel by being gentle and by touch. I love to run my fingers through a woman's hair when I kiss her or hold her in my arms at night. If I were in a scenario I couldn't do any of that, i would feel as if one of my arms is tied behind my back and that my s.o. is annoyed by my presence. but the biggest reason would be I would feel as though a big part of myself was being denied and not welcome, thus denying my personality as a whole and I would definitely be thinking I'm unwelcome and so are my advances. So the million dollar question would be "why am I here? I should just leave so she will be happier with me gone."
@@cheesepuff7814 okay, not that it's anyone's business but my own what my own reasons for not wanting someone to touch a specific part of my body are, my boundaries should have been respected at no. He was told at the start of the relationship how things were with me and what my boundaries are physically due to trauma and he accepted those terms and said he understood. If he couldn't deal with them he should have walked away instead of repeatedly violating my boundaries/ consent and lying to me. And his touches were S*xual if you really need to know and I wasn't looking for/ready for that kind of touch at the time. People are more than their bodies. Touching someone should not be more important to you in a relationship than how that person feels and what they are/aren't okay with. And this isn't meant to sound mean, I'm still hurt and angry over the whole situation and i'm still healing.
@@justaweirdonothingtoseeher1393 well if you told him from the beginning you weren't ready for sexual intimacy, he should've listened to you and not took things too far. Honestly, It sounds like neither of you were ready for an intimate and serious relationship. It sounds like he was just trying to get you in bed, and you were still reeling from some bad experiences. Bad combo for sure, but I'm glad you were able to end things peacefully i hope. Personally, I don't even touch a woman past her shoulders even if were dating, unless she herself puts my hands on her body where she wants them, because I'm also very nervous about what I do around women. Dating is extremely new to me still, because of how I was treated by my mother and women as a young child to my now adult years, but also because I want to save myself for marriage for a good woman. I agree that women or men aren't together for their bodies. But intimacy plays a huge and undeniable role in a relationship. It's sounds like you need more personal healing and to spend time doing the things you love with people you love. I would encourage you to just check out of the dating scene and take a break until you don't hurt anymore, or atleast until you can bear it again. I wouldn't say time heals all wounds, but I will say time eases all pain instead. I genuinely hope you end up meeting a guy that treats and respects you well.
I have another one to add: not actively participating in things you share. My bf and I live together and everytime we go grocery shopping I'm always the one left to think of meals and food we can share together, and when I ask him it's always "idk pick whatever you want". It's so frustrating to be left to do everything by myself and have him waiting either for directions or me to just decide
Ik it's pretty late to comment on this but as someone who's had the same problem in a relationship, the best thing to do is sometimes just to explain exactly how you're feeling about him not being more specific about these type of things. I've learnt that guys are mostly oblivious when it comes to us asking those things and would just genuinely like to have whatever we have. They don't mean it in a bad way, they just don't see the question as a big deal and something that needs actual consideration past saying "whatever you want". Boys are just a bit dense is all
@@quietone7677Hold up there with the dense comment. Are we really dense for not being able to know what our other half wants if they don’t explain it? I for example eat to live, where my girlfriend lives to eat. She loves the kitchen and having all kinds of variety. I personally don’t care, so I would prefer that she just buys what she wants, as if she would being single, and I’ll gladly eat it and enjoy her kitchen skills. When I was with my ex, she would give me two choices. I would choose and then she would pick the opposite one. It was maddening. Guys want their partners to be happy. So we don’t like to complicate things that are easy. That doesn’t make us dense. It comes down to ALL couples need to communicate from the very start and not play guessing games. Just because he or she can’t read your mind, doesn’t mean they don’t care about the situation or love you.
Is it so Hard to decide?
@@josedanielrodriguez1126Yes this is a HUUUUUUGE problem for many of the people of the world. I would call the UN about this.
And yet, when you're going out to eat, and the guy asks "hey babe, where do you want to go?", the girl's response is invariably "oh, I don't know"....
This videos gets at toxic behaviors in a gentle informative way. I feel like this video could help trauma victims start to see their abusers behavior more objectively. Thank you for all the hard work y'all put into your videos. It helps people put names to their problems and express what's going on.
There are just some life skills that should be taught in school. How to file taxes and tax returns, how to spot manipulation, how to write up a resume and give a professional job interview, and maybe some basic cooking courses and first aide/CPR
@@PlayshotKalo I agree, and I am so greatful that my school offers some of those class to us - I just wish I could be offered to everyone 😞 it would really relief so much stress than a lot of us have tbh
I've been avoiding relationships because I'm afraid to disappoint people. I've built up enough disappointment over time to the point where all I do is watch YT, browse social media, and play games to distract myself from the regret instead of learning new skills and improving myself. Also, I often see criticisms as disdain, even if the criticisms are legitimate, it becomes hard to take them at face value when there's an air of bitterness behind it.
Felt the same way, i felt dumber than years ago.
Yeah I'm with you there. I'm going to try giving myself some external responsibility. Being accountable to have a central duty that I must perform every day to avoid the consequences. Eventually this will be a job once I manage to secure one. For now it's going to be training with a pt at the gym.
Then I'm hoping once I get home ill be able to ride the productivity of having completed that task to do other things that I know I should be doing. Hopefully I'll regain some self respect in the process.
I feel you, I get emotional way too easily.
this is so accurate to my experience i might quote it to my therapist sometime
Just “git gud”
This makes me love myself and my partner more. I know we are imperfect, we used to do things in this video. Instead of trying to end our relationship, we decided to talk through it. We love each other too, and we tried to grow. I started to read alot of stuff to reflect on myself and on how to have a healthy relationship and shared the information to my boyfriend. We are planning to take our relationship to a next level, and I hope that whatever will hold us down can be solved without hurting each other.
This is amazing!
After hours of searching for relationship advice online, all I saw was “if your partner isn’t good to you, do this” but finally after seeing people who are like me and open with their issues, I can’t express how thankful I am for this video. It brings me to tears. I have severe attachment issues and crazy anxiety. I never realized how controlling I can be and just how hurtful my words can be. I can’t really afford therapy so I hope I can find something else. Thanks for the video ❤
I think a significant amount of relationships fail because people have a preconceived idea of what an ideal partner is supposed to be. So they expect that from their partner or themselves. And when either party falls short of the expectations the whole thing falls.
The wise thing to do is forget everything you expect (please note I am talking about expectations, not preferences or what you are attracted to) and observe people and yourself as who they and you really are and list out the perfections and the shortcomings. Anything can be achieved through patience and a littlebit of love. So don't sweat the small stuff. And If it's something unchangeable just accept it or leave doing this will save you a lot of misery!
Absolutely agreed. One of the reasons my first relationship didn't work out was because my partner had a really specific preconceived idea of who they wanted me to be, which was very different from who I actually was, especially because I was emotionally numb and acted completely differently when we met.
I tell this to my ex before we broke up,, they always expected me to be smthng and emotional manipulate me. I told them they should stop doing it their answer was "i know exactly how i want to be treated and how my relationship gonna be". So yes i agreed having preference is great i too have preference but expecting someone to be smthng they not is not ok
@@user-ol2ym7ro3w correct!
@@lilrockstar8170 That's also why my relationship ended. My partner thought I was perfect and checked off all his boxes in the beginning, but as we got to know each other he realized I had shortcomings just like everyone else. He broke up with me because he wanted to be with someone who already had everything figured out...and I'm just wondering if he'll ever find someone like that with those standards.
@@turtletail313 He'll never be happy while he has such sky-high standards for others
I grew up in an emotionally manipulative household and had a handful of abusive relationships. I also saw myself as the bigger person and was always trying to compromise and communicate effectively. I have finally met a man who has given me the love and respect that no one has ever put the time in for. I find myself in the behaviors of my abusers more than I would like to admit and I’m honestly at a loss for what I need to do to improve. I have a therapist I go to weekly yet I still can’t see any improvement on my part. I love this man so much, I don’t want to hurt him and I want the best for him. I think that I don’t fix myself now I’ll end up like everyone that abused me. I’m lost and scared.
Go by step and resolve one issue at a time. I have a problem with being too critical, i am trying to solve it by setting an alarm to remind me i don't have to criticize everything only cause i can. When i am afraid to forget slmething i always put an alarm on, if you get used to it just change the time so you will watch the phone and read the alarm name (which in my case is "don't be too critical") if some words are wrong i am sorry i am not an english speaker
I hear you, you’re not alone. Have you tried to talk to your partner about it? It could help to open up about it and maybe get some further guidance through their perspective. Ask them if they feel there’s anything you can do or change.
Talk with them and explain and try to find some key words that will allow you to take a step back.
If you really trust your partner, I suggest you explain all this to him and set some kind of "keyword" that he can say to you when he thinks you are being abusing o harmful, so in that moment you can stop for a second and check what you are saying and feeling and then "reset" if you think he may be right. This doesn't mean trusting his judgement blindly but simply allowing you a moment to stop the flow of negativity and think about what you are saying/doing.
I can't say I totally understand what you're going through - I've never been there - but I will say that I think the fact that you're worrying about it at all is a good sign. It demonstrates a degree of self-awareness and a willingness to improve - traits which are not common among abusive people. It shows that on some level, you care about the wellbeing of others.
I think the silent-treatment can ocurre as a result of insecurity. Not knowing what to say, or being afraid to say something wrong, or no matter what one says, it's always being misunderstood or overanalyzed. If one can not express ones feelings in a way the partner can understand, it will get frustrating as well, for both sides.
I suffer from giving the silent treatment and it's a mix of all the things you said but also it roots back to my childhood where when I was having a fight with my dad I I couldn't say anything more because we would fight more, he would scream and all of these "good" things. I try so hard to not do this with my bf and most of the times either I just take a little time or I continue the dialog when things have settle down a bit... Oh, I'm also a people pleaser so that adds😅
Holy shit dude, you read my mind
@@tsalikon4252you and my partner are alike. She used to give me silent treatments for every disagreement or misunderstanding we may have. It really hurts me every time and its worse cause im an overthinker.
We already talked about this tho and indeed it is rooted to her childhood wherein she and her mother would scream at each other during fights. Then, they wouldn’t talk about it at all. No apologies, no explanation, they would seem fine right after. She also comfessed to me that her thoughts and opinions seem unimportant in her family so she grew up believing that speaking up or being honest with your feelings are futile.
We slowly worked on this and with some patience, understanding and love, she now “stays” during our “disagreements.”
This gives me some interesting perspectives on previous experiences. This comment section is really wonderful reading.
I don't do well with initiating conversation during times of frustration but I don't ignore questions when asked
Why am i watching this? I don't even have a girlfriend. 😂
Me too😂
For future 😂
Prepare for the future fam😅
Never hurts to be knowledgeable when the time comes. I used to watch them before I got in a serious relationship too and I think I was better off for it this go around
You are watching it to learn so you don't make silly mistakes, young grasshopper.
1. Reacting with anger when critiqued
2. Intruding on your partner's privacy
3. Talking down about yourself
4. Giving ultimatums when a better option is open
5. Silent treatment
TL:DR you should always try to communicate with your partner and respect them as human beings.
Thanks for putting this together! Did we miss any others?
Thank you :)
I’m very glad that I don’t most of these, the outlier being talking down about myself. Thankfully my partner has helped me with that a lot and I can’t thank her enough for that. I’m just glad she loves me enough to help me with my confidence issues and my insecurities I’ve had since I was a kid. She’s done more than anyone in my family and therapists ever did in the span of a year. If that’s not love and commitment I don’t know what is.
@Making Memories Collecting Moments If it's not too personal to share, and you're comfortable doing so, would you mind explaining why?
No
Another thing related to criticism: think about the way you address the issues you criticize your partner for. Are you coming from a place of compassion? Are you willing to calmly discuss the problem and reach a solution together? Are you considering your partner's needs as well as your own? Are you open to listen to their perspective? Are you treating your partner like a part of your team or like an enemy? It's something I'm working on myself and I feel like it's really important.
Y E S. So many people think that giving criticism is just emotionally dumping hurt onto the other person and expecting them to grovel at their feet apologizing, when that can also be incredibly damaging. I've found that most conflicts are a two-way street. Yes, maybe they hurt you, but there also might be an issue with how you're interpreting things or how you're reacting.
I agree wholeheartedly but the thing is everyone else doesn’t CARE if you are coming from a genuine place. All that seems to matter to a majority of individuals is “HoW iT mAde tHeM FeEL DeRp.” People are obsessively overtly offended at every moment. 🙄
@@SamanthaP48 Very true! It's hard to find someone who's mature enough to make an effort to see things from somebody else's point of view.
Yes!! Also, an important thing to add: is it constructive? When I get annoyed with my boyfriend for a behavior or for pronouncing a word wrong, I try to make sure if this a road I want to go down. Is this going to help our relationship or hurt it? Am I just hungry? Do I just need some space to cool down? Constructive criticism is important, but don't bombard your partner with complaints all the time. This can make them overwhelmed or defensive. Make sure you pick the right battles.
@@SamanthaP48 you gotta put it in a way they will listen. Being too blunt can cause hurt feelings and they just get defensive. Use your words carefully, and pick a tone where it doesn't make it sound like you're being aggressive. I'm sure you hate it when someone yells at you for something you find normal. Just lightly sugarcoat for better results! Doesn't mean you have to deep fry in corn syrup!
3. Bringing yourself down - is definitely one that I'd been dealing with. Feeling like I'm not good enough. I have a great boyfriend and he's always trying to raise me up. But my insecurities were so overwhelming that I was pushing him away. But he stood strong through everything claiming he wasn't going anywhere unless I was positive I wanted to end things. I told him he could find someone better, but he said he only wanted me.
I was just in a bad mindset and I was disappointed in myself. I've been working on myself. I still have my insecurities, but I'm in a much better mindset now. Instead of throwing a pity party for myself; I'm trying to work on myself bit by bit. It's a struggle but I know it'll be worth it. I was feeling ugly, worthless, I gained a lot of weight, and was lost on what I should do with my life. I had let everyone talk me out of my dreams over the years. I trusted in people that I shouldn't have. Learned that even some of my own family were corrupt demons who didn't care about me; they only cared about what I could do for them.
I was working through depression and anxiety and I got both of those more or less under control. My anxiety use to be so bad that I would hyperventilate. That went away after my depression got so bad that my emotions went numb. That's a sensation I never want to experience again; the numbness. Not being afraid of anything was kinda nice, but I was lacking other emotions as well which wasn't nice. It was like being an empty shell and just not wanting to exist anymore, because I couldn't see the point of life. I thought that was gonna be the rest of my life, but my emotions slowly started to come back and eventually I felt somewhat like my old self; the me before depression. I was happy again and getting my life back on track. It wasn't easy getting back to feeling alive again , but I was determined to be happy.
I'm now trying to work on losing some weight so I can feel more confident in my own skin.
You can do this!
I hear you 😔 and I can relate. You are amazingly strong ❤ I am happy that you managed to turn this around! Cheers to your boyfriend as well!
Im so proud of you.
He didn't get mad when you vented?
I'm proud of you! Keep going❤️
it’s crazy how much one silly little relationship can change u
My boyfriend sent me this, we’ve been talking about it for the past hour. I’m guilty of 1, 2 and 3, and I feel awful about it. I’m genuinely trying to get better about it, I have a therapist I talk to, but it’s an extremely slow process and it’s so hard for me because I have BPD and it amplifies and makes my feelings ten times worse than they have to be. I feel toxic for it and it makes me feel so horrible. I just want to be better and get through this hard part. He knows I’ve been trying to get better and he’s so patient with me. He’s an angel, and I feel awful for how I’ve been.
My girlfriend of 9 months has BPD. I love her, you deserve love too. BPD doesn't make you a bad person and recognizing your negative behaviors is the first step to changing them. Best of luck 💛
Are you in therapy? It will help so much. I feel you 100%. I hope things are going well ❤
You are not alone.
@@anetapavanova3023 hi
as someone who's had a relationship with someone with BPD in the past, i gotta say i'm really proud of you for managing to be aware of your own issues and trying to fix them for him and the relationship.
if you can, please try to talk to him about how you feel and your overall thought process on how you usually handle things. i know it's hard, but i have a feeling that you guys will get through these problems together.
i wish you guys good luck!!
My wife and I have been married for 21 years back on November 3rd. We're High School sweet hearts and got married the same year we Graduated. I'm 4 months older so I had turned 19 6 days before our wedding while she was still 18 and didn't turn 19 till the end of January. We had so many doubters that really thought we were making a huge mistake and that we'd probably never even make it through the first year. We both were very mature for our age and we worked hard and was smart with our money so after just a year renting an apartment we bought our first house. (Which we still live in 20 years later) We have a 17 year old son who was born on my 23rd birthday and we had little fights like an couple but we've never once separated and we're a happy loving little 3 piece family!
The biggest thing we argue over is actually because I'm a very quick witted person who can do about anything I put my mind to. I'm a open minded person who always looks at any problem or situation and will quickly come up with the quickest and easiest way to do something, but only if it has a 100% quality result. My wife will be doing things a lot of times that I see her doing in a way that takes her longer and causes her more work than she'd actually have to do if only she would listen to me when I honestly in a very nice way without criticizing how she's doing say to her, babe, that'd be a lot easier and quicker for ya if you'd just.......... telling her the way and she will get all made and defensive and tell me not everything has to be done my way and she likes her way of doing it just fine and that my way doesn't always mean it's the right way for everyone! She says I always criticize her and she can't do anything right to me! I'll tell her, calm down babe I didn't say you was doing anything wrong, I was just trying to be helpful and show you a way that'd be easier and faster for you if you'd just give it a try! Idk why she gets like that about it. I can't help but wanna help her life be easier cause I love her and I get my head bit off! Lol
Bro I love hearing good endings for people who married young. ❤ It gives me a lot more hope. I am currently in highschool and have a boyfriend and I have issue getting out of the “highschool relationships dont last” mentality so things like this always make me happy :)
Blessings to your family💕
Your lucky . Most of us are trying to succeed with both people bringing a shit ton of baggage to the show .
@@dwanetheguacjohnson5086 I know someone who's just turned 61. He has 4 kids, 2 grandchildren and he's been with his wife since highschool. They've been married for more than 30 years.
The 3rd one is very important, I learned from experience. When I was 16 I had my first “girlfriend” and saw her as an outlet for me to vent about all my problems and thought I could trust her, but ultimately I realized after things didn’t work out that she must’ve felt so uncomfortable and overwhelmed. I didn’t know how to treat being in a relationship because it was my first one, but since then I’ve grown a lot more confident and aware of not only how/when to be supported but also how to support them and keep things balanced
Omg I am worried that my first relationship will end up the same unless I research. How'd you learn? To receive/give support?
@@lunabear8645 just remember that your significant other isn’t your therapist. I always try to be more of a rock for them that they can rely on for support, sympathy, and advice.
That’s not to say they can’t support you; if you never let them in on how you’re feeling they will eventually stop trusting you. It’s important to have open communication. But don’t burden them with feelings of depression or unsolvable anxieties, because it will drive them away knowing they can’t help you more than it will make them want to stay to help you. (Mental illness especially shouldn’t be a “tool to test one’s loyalty,” but that should go without saying)
Yeah same here. I knew that you were supposed to set boundaries when it comes to emotionally dumping onto people, but during that time I was off my medication and my boyfriend was one of the few things that made me comfortable and happy at that time. But we were both going through issues and neither of us got the support we wanted from the other. He ended up closing me off and was scared that if he vented to me, it would make me sad and more depressed. Now that I'm on my medication again, I cringe hard.
It’s so hard when you’ve had such bad home life, and family isn’t a positive thing in your life, and that’s what you’re surrounded by.
@@lunabear8645 Just maintain open and honest communication with your partner, set boundaries. And if you and your partner can’t do that, then the relationship probably isn’t going to work out long term.
I usually feel insecure and I constantly bring my self down, but my partner always brightens my day and bring a smile on my face. And she is always by my side and I'm grateful for that..
After watching all of this, honestly none of it describes me and my partner. We're both open to criticism, and talk through our issues together. We've been together for over 4 years already, and we still love each other as much as the day we started dating. I'm completely, 100% positive I've found the person for me ❤️
I'm happy for you
God has their favorites 😢 but good for you!
I am very happy for you i hope that happens to me some day. And i have a question how did you meet him/her.
Ha! Only 4 years??! Give it another decade or so then I might have some respect for your opinion on relationships 😂😂
My ex did most of these... She taught me a lot about how not to treat someone you love.
ua-cam.com/video/VWxYo5-b_yc/v-deo.html
Even mine too...
She made me a man of values and character..
I really owe her for what I am Today..
Same, but honestly I triggered some of these myself.. You only get to know true compatibility after the stages of limerence
And you learned! On to better things and better people!
@M What a man says about women is very revealing of his own character…
Really, don’t put yourself down, even if you realize you have been doing 1 ore more of these things to your partner. You are here because you are open and want to change because at the end you want them to be happy
Very true
Thank u for this
As someone who has been (and partially still is) depressed. This video is one of the first things that were able to make me cry. I recognize myself in all of these actions, I have done all of these things. Some more than others. This really opened my eyes, and now I know, working on myself is more important than anything. This gave me more emotional maturity and hopefully this will lead to better mental health. Thank you. :')
Another thing about a releationships is to not be so competitive about things. Alot of partners get jealous of the other partners success. Your success is their success and their success is your success
Remember that the best time to work on yourself is when you’re single. A lot of the time we believe that being in a relationship will be exactly what we need to be better or feel better but that’s not always the case. If you rush into one it may do more harm than good so take your time and when you’re ready do your best by just being you, that’s probably the reason that the person is with you. :)
There are definitely learning opportunities when you're single or in a relationship. Both relationship statuses are never bad!
Also because there's a lot of possible self-reflecting scenarios that just wouldn't happen when you are single. I think when you're single you build confidence and self reliance. You finally learn your own values unclouded by a partners values influencing you. But there's a ton of deeper social interaction maturity that you only get by analyzing your most intimate relationships and how you treat them, speak to them (like partners, parents, siblings, roommates sometimes)
@@Psych2go definitely agree. In anything you do you always have a chance to learn! 💡
And then you always come up with a lier or a cheater. Thanks but no
@@bymaxxie uh, no.
Bringing yourself down is something I struggle with extremely and it makes it even worse for me because I constantly worry that my actions like that will push him away further and so it’s an endless cycle for me. I try really hard but there’s things that I can’t help but be insecure about and it always makes both of us feel bad and so seeing this really hit home. It’s just hard to fix your insecurities when you struggle with them so bad because they make sense to you. He always tells me “Abbie why do you look at yourself this way? I think you’re perfect.” And that’s hard to hear because yes it makes me feel loved, but it also makes me question “Is he being honest or is he just trying to make me feel better?” To me, my insecurities make sense so when he tells me they don’t, my brain and my feelings just get twisted up and I don’t know what to do other than smile and tell him thank you and show him affection
Somebody sent you an email....
@@mcmacshalfilya Thanks :)
Thats exactly what happend to me. Sometimes it didnt hit me hard, but its still unpleasant to have that in mind. I just wish i know how to deal with it TvT
Sometimes perfect doesn't mean "without flaw", but rather "whole or complete". That's something that helps me with insecurity when I'm told I'm perfect, despite me only thinking of my flaws. The people who truly love you, love the _whole_ you.
It comes down to not feeling worthy of being loved. So if you are loved you reject it and hurt the people trying to love you. The truth is that everyone is equally worthy of being loved, and that we are loved by God beyond our comprehension. Once that truth settles in then you are free to love people that don’t have to love you back in order for you to feel whole again.
This narrating is so smooth and calm to listen. I absolutely love it. Even if I sometime don't relate to topics the video is about, I still watch the video anyway.
Me and my partner are going through a bit of a rough spell and I’ve accidentally found myself doing some of these 👀 I definitely need to buck up my ideas, thank you P2G, I needed to watch this, I think it’s the help I’ve been needing ♥️
Well I'm glad you've finally found help. I hope everything works great between you and your partner and you both stay together forever! You should also have your partner watch this so maybe they can also fix things 🤗
@@Maze0000 Thank you:) It’s funny how a video like this can come along at a time when it’s most needed, There have just been a lot of changes recently and with me being autistic (mildly) I don’t take too well to change, especially sudden change. I’m seeing her later today so we’ll definitely watch it together, I’ve been stuck in a bit of a mental rut which has led to me doing some of these unfortunately, and I realise that now, she always says to me “Communicate with me about how your feeling as there is nothing we can’t talk out” and this video was definitely an eye opener
You got this!
@@Psych2go Thank you:) She means everything to me so I’m determined to get us out of this rough spell 💚
@@jordanstrang8056 Goodluck! wish you the best!
1. Angrily reacting to criticism.
2. Disrespecting your partner's privacy
3.Unraveling Low self esteem
4. Over using ultimatums
5. Giving the silent treatment
I used to not be able to take criticism well and it definitely put a strain on some of my relationships whether they were romantic or platonic so this is a great wake up call 🙏🏽💛
ua-cam.com/video/VWxYo5-b_yc/v-deo.html
Not being able to take criticism is definitely one of my greatest vices too. It's pretty cool that you managed to get past this flaw.
I feel you im still working on taking criticism and not get anger or sadness about.
I’ve had a very complicated and stressful life since age 8. I had to mature quickly and learn more emotionally and spiritually, I honestly just love listening to your voice and watching the beauty of your animations. No matter what the video is about it helps me in some sort of way.
You are here because you accepted your ignorance and you want to learn🥰 good job, accepting ignorance is often the first step in education
For sure! Building self awareness is key to growth. Are there other channels you're watching to grow more?
I just have no idea how to be a good partner.
anyone actually watching these videos for practical application is beyond help
I wouldn’t say beyond help but definitely in need of it
Perfect timing, I've been feeling anxious lately that I might mess things up. Thank you!
Your welcome!
You're welcome
@@user-ns3sb5gi8b Psych2Go used the wrong "your" 😬😬😬
How about now? YOU"RE WELCOME :D
You're gonna do just fine because you care enough to worry about messing things up.🤗
The "bringing yourself down" one is something I am struggling with a lot. My partner wants me to stop overthinking things and stop calling myself ugly, which is gonna take a long time from my kinda socially alienating mental disorder and my history of depression and anxiety. However, I do find motivation in the way it's addressed in the video. My partner is also stressed as get family is difficult, and she too has this feeling of alienation for her looks.
I too had that problem with my partner. The only topic she could talk about 80% of the time are sad parts of her past in school. I took the wrong option by saying „I want to talk about happier stuff“, trying to give her a sign, that i don't want her to connect sad stories to me but also wanting to give her the opportunity to let her show me, who she is grown to and so just her present self. Also, she is not in this sad past anymore, so i tried to tell her, that her present self in fact is the person i love
But that ended up backfiring. She from that point on built up distance, because (as a friend of us said) it helped her to talk about this and it is a positive thing that she is entrusting it onto me. But I didn't like our dates mostly be filled with a depressive past, since i like living more positively. So she broke up with me. I kinda regret my choice of saying that sentence back then, because i really liked her
#4 When I was 10, my 2 best friends got mad at each other. One of them gave me the ultimatum that I couldn't be their friend if I remained friends with the other.
It was at that time that I developed the ideology of "If you make me choose, you lose."
The same thing happened to me years ago. I was so shocked that I couldn't choose either of them. I ended up losing both. I'm glad you handled that situation better than I did.
Oh my god you just made me realize something about myself
I had my friend do that since they fought, the one who made me choose I chose the other, eventually years later said friend moved around a bunch, came back to town, looked up my number and reached out, realized he was in the wrong, been good friends since
I told a girl not to hang out with a fukboy coworker, found out 3 yearz later and a baby that she was cheating on me while I was at work lol she started telling me the bad news after I signed a birth certificate and lied for another year n a half about it all...
Got depressed and never recovered yet...
Great ideology my friend, cheers to that!🥂 If a person is giving you uncomfortable choices and threatens, it's time to kiss them a goodbye.
I used to be really bad with recieving criticism from my partner. It took a while to lower my defenses and acknowledge that he was coming from a place of love and care for me that I was able to listen to him. And his concerns were valid, I'm taking much better care of myself now.
Glad you are improving!
How did u learn to lower your defenses? I'm still kind of insecure and can get scared, sad, or angry when I get criticism.
1. My wife and I always talk things through with things that make us upset. We talk things through and help each other understand and try to come to an agreement. If we don't agree on something we come to a compromise.
2. We're happy with being with each other all the time. Our personal time still involves being with each other but we don't always speak or stay next to each other.
3. We both suffer from depression and anxiety so we understand each other a lot. If one brings themselves down, we reassure them. Remind each other why we love each other but also understand that it's okay to feel that way at times. Just as long as we know we're there for each other.
4. We don't offer ultimatums, we come to an agreement that we both agree on. I feel like we understand each other enough to do that.
5. No silent treatments because we don't argue. The only time we remain silent with each other is if one is having a bad day and we let each other have their space until they're ready to talk.
This sounds very healthy and realistic. These feelings are completely natural. Happy for you both!
Haven’t been in a romantic relationship yet, and watching this video made me realize that I still have a lot to work on myself, so I wouldn’t be a burden to my future partner. Thanks for this! Please keep on making ones like this.
Weirdly enough, after therapy, a lot of self introspection and actively trying not to hate myself, I stopped being insecure in my most recent relationships and I'm currently super happy in my current one. The "weird" part was that I was way less insecure when I started meeting and dating guys instead of just girls.
Great..you underwent therapy..
Correct decision.
What do you mean by that ?
@@KaiIchiRu96 It means that during break-up or after relationship break if you are emotionally unstable and not able to move on or stagnant at a place then you should go for therapy, counselling, sessions, medications and journal writing.
All of them help a lot,though not instantly..but with due course of time.
I'm curious, you are a guy?
@@thevoidspace1 Are you asking me?
I hate that I’m not already perfect, I feel horrible for even having to educate myself on how to be a proper partner to someone I love and care for so much. I love these videos, I’m always learning ❤️ thank you
No one is perfect
How would you learn without these? Trial and error? Dont be hard on yourself for watching these. This is truly the best way to learn.
Great video. My ex-wife and I ALWAYS behaved like two children playing in a sandbox when we were married, and it was a great marriage till she left. We were best buddies and have mutual understanding. Totally, we support one another. I still adore her and frequently find myself thinking about her despite my best efforts to do otherwise. I don't know why I am bringing this up, but I simply can't help it; I love her so much.
@Paul Jones That's incredible, but how did you find a spiritual conjurer, and how can I get in touch with him?
Thank you for this valuable information,i just looked her up now online. impressive
That's beautiful. ❤
@@stevenjackson9301 as someone who has those beliefs never do a conjure out of whim desire, it won't work and only the person that's the most in love will suffer because is not just what you want. You have to always consider what the other person wants cause then you're selfish & it shows exactly why she left in first place. If she left out of a negative spell then that's when it can work because she didn't left wanting to but because someone else wanted to. If she wanted to leave & has contundent reasons, then you shouldn't spiritually force her back. Because the person that's gonna be the one for you no matter what, will always come back. You should never force anyone to be with you specially spiritually sooner or later it won't end in a nice way. Just telling you the rules on how those things are supposed to work, which nobody will tell you because sadly this ability is like everything else in the world many around want to scam or get money out of it & well I don't condone it so make sure you're careful with what you do.
This is some scam
This video could be the most truthful thing I saw ever.
I had a friend who did more than half these; I absolutely loved this friend. He was dear to me. But our relationship ended, because I couldn't stand him anymore.
I think The Silent Treatment could be extended to passive aggression as a whole. It's something I struggle with a lot. I use passive aggression to try and imply something's wrong without actually coming out and saying what's wrong. It's hard to put in words the motivation, but ultimately it doesn't work. If you want someone to recognize there's a problem just come out and say it. Start a conversation. That's the only way thing's are gonna change, and you won't paint yourself into a corner of feeling ignored when they don't pick up on your hint you were trying to drop.
It's a common behavior with narcists as a way to manipulate people as well. Passive-aggressiveness in general is behavior that, in particular, what are known as "vulnerable narcissists" display regularly.
I'm not implying anything here; the fact that you are willing to make an honest self-assessment and change behavior shows that you are not a narcissist, just pointing it out 🙂
Woman behavior
i struggle with 2:50 but my bf knows i have BPD and it can effect the way i see my self so he actually reassures me out of the blue sometime and i haven’t worn make up in quite a bit because of him i just want to say for ppl with BPD there is hope for a relationship and ik it’s hard but don’t ever give up and let your partner know you have it or even could have it and go talk to someone about it trust me it’s helps sm
I'm recently going through a fresh breakup and the reasons were reflected in this video. It's sad because seeing the solutions to the problems they seem so simple, but I guess when you're in the situation it's so hard to see the light at the end of the tunnel. I would personally get defensive when he tried to bring up a problem and I know this has ties to my childhood trauma, so sad I couldn't see this sooner.
Mental illness can cause you to bring yourself down a lot, not meaning to cause problems for your partner. I had this problem in relationships and I never meant for it to hurt my partner, yet I couldn't help that my mind produced these thoughts and feelings. It really made me think that my illness makes relationships impossible.
The silent treatment was one of the things that killed my most recent relationship. It wasn't the only factor, but it was one of them and certainly one of the major ones. It made me realize that me and my partner would ever hardly be compatible when it came to handling conflict. It was also quite annoying because sometimes it would be over trivial stuff (by trivial, I mean trivial, once it was because I ate a cheap cheese I could have easily replaced had he simply asked me to instead of being offended). It was unhealthy and when he did it when we were going through a rough patch, I just decided "Screw this", dropped the bomb and honestly, I don't regret my decision at all, although I still care about him very much and admire and respect him. Thankfully, we're still friends to this day.
Wtf is up with this dude in the replies
@@G59forlife. bot
I love the art style used in this, it's cute while getting information across. This video helped me because I'm relatively new to relationships and stuff like that, and I want to know how to better fit the feelings and needs of the person I like, so I'm not doing things they dislike and accidentally disrespecting them and making them feel bad.
I always try to stay positive, and spread good vibes to everyone, and I can tell when someone needs alone time. I have said the most painful things that have happened to me in a positive voice and people don't seem to feel as bad. I want everyone to be happy and I definitely don't want them to feel like it's their fault.
Always stay positive, even in the worst times.
Glad it was helpful! :) and thanks for sharing your thoughts on the content!
#3 is sad but true because there is a limit to how much pain and suffering of yours a partner can absorb, even if they love you. Constantly being an outlet for someone can wear down anyone.
The third one hit me hard. One of the most difficult things I had to deal with in my previous relationship was my boyfriend constantly bringing himself down, saying negative and hurtful things about himself. No matter times I told him to stop because not only were the things he was saying untrue, but hearing him say those things broke my heart, he just wouldn’t stop
I've been dating my girlfriend since may 2019, this is the second time I find one of these videos and I'm amazed on how well they describe her. I've been trying to do the imposible to help her out like if I was a therapist, she has moments where she hates herself or when she hates to see her own image in the mirror.
She is the kind of person that makes you wonder how the hell does she think she is ugly but she trully believes that. We tried to look for help with therapy about a year ago and the experience was the worst it could be, leaving a sensation in which it seemed "that no therapy could help her" (it's just a sensation, we know that's not it, but the sensation remains). She had the kind of therapist that works for her medical insurance (idk if that's the correct translation) which is the kind of old lady who doesn't treat her patients like actual people with problems but as numbers, as customers so to say.
I don't have the resources to help her and every time I'm willing to do the sacrifice even if that makes me see her less, she gets against it, completely, even if she knows that this is for her own good she cannot control it, this turns into this vicious circle in which I feel I have no power whatsoever no matter what I do. Her emotions have much more power over her than herself even though she is conscious about this.
Her parents just suck, really, her family is so full of mental issues that pulling her away from them would be the only way for her mental state to get better but if I did that I could create a new problem for the realtionship with my own hands. Her parents are the kind of people who think that being able to live under a roof and having food on the table is everything that's needed to be happy (which is pretty stupid because they are clearly unhappy as well and just got used to feeling that way). That may be enough to be happy for me or for someone else with simple philosophies, but it's obvious that for other people it's not enough.
I wish I had an answer, a clear answer on what to do to help her. I would love to send her these videos but for starters she doesn't speak english, and second it's very possible that she would see this video like a critic to her. She may think that I shouldn't be with someone with that many mental issues (I'm really tired of explaining that I wouldn't be with her if that was the case)
Uf, te entiendo. Buena suerte, les deseo lo mejor :S
I really _really_ suggest dialectical behavior therapy. This is what worked for me as someone with a personality disorder that screws with my emotions, self image, identity etc.
Actually had a friend of mine giving me the silent treatment recently... for like a whole week. It sucks and just hurts. Glad we were able to talk it out.. Though it feels like our friendship took a dent...
Yup carefully, had the same thing
Had a good friend, but after just little arguments she just ignored me for weeks
Happened a few times until I broke with her
Was a way of being angry I just couldn't accept
@@geennaam1201 Was not even because she was mad in this case. All that happends was me trying to play a game together and her friends did not like me and told her to block me. pfff.
I don’t give the silent treatment. I just cut you off if you disrespect me. I did that to a friend of 15 years. She disrespected me and I decided she wasn’t good for my mentality. She wasn’t going to apologize and I’m not going to beg anyone to be in my life. Eventually she texted me angry i haven’t contacted her when she’s the one that went off on me in the first place.
i've been given the silent treatment for a whole year, then we started talking again for a couple months, then now im back on a 3-4 year silent treatment. it's weird because each time they blocked me from most platforms and kept me on one but ghost me and they just can't delete me.
Had a "friend" who did that to me for months on end, even though they went off on me, first. They kept teasing me and playing games, too. I didn't understand. They wouldn't talk to me, and everybody thought I wasn't good enough for them to be friends with. Then they started talking to me one random day again, only to move far away, and ghost me for 5+ years, then visit me randomly one day, then ghosted me again. I am DONE with them. If someone has a problem with me, say it TO MY FACE, scream at me, whatever. Whoever thinks the silent treatment is silly, it's really one of the worst things you can do to another person, because at least when you're scrming at someone, you're acknowledging their existence. You just feel like a pile of crud when someone who is supposed to be your friend doesn't even do that.
I've never done any of these to my loved one even when she did them to me. Two years ago, I decided that I would make her feel accepted, lucky and happy, so I turned a blind eye on her flaws and I've celebrated her improvements and achievements ever since.
Still, she broke up with me after these 5 years. My mental health has degradated so much (without me noticing) that it was affecting her too.
So I wanted to add one more advice:
- Love yourself and take care of your own mental and physical health first. You can't have a healthy relationship without those two.
Sorry to have read that msg. Strong warning you’ve provided. I hope you are better now. Thank you for sharing.
This was a really good video, but you perfectly identified two things that me and my ex were doing to each other.
She was constantly needing reassurances and it was draining me (probably her too).
Then when I was worn out, I would start to get frustrated and give her the silent treatment because I needed time to recover from attending to her needs.
It wasn't just a heart break when it ended, I haven't been the same since and it's been a little while now.
It was so painful to see how we were both good, loving people.... but we weren't good for each other. 💔
The last one is literally my last relationship. Not knowing what's wrong, and not being able to communicate, is deadly for a relationship
Exactly. Just Leave and find someone new! Delete all photos forget about her/him and go on! Find someone that you can put your emotional level in him/her exactly as you do in yours ;)
I absolutely fucking hate it when people don't express what they want. That's one of the biggest turn offs for me. If you can't express your wants and needs then don't talk to me. Because that means you don't care about the relationship that I'm trying to build with you. I had this one guy trying to toy with me because he was bored and never expressed what I was doing to make him avoid me so much. So all this time it was like a game trying to talk to him because he was just so distant. And all the time I spent trying to talk to him was all for nothing.
that's exactly what happened to me.
you have no idea how much i fucking hated it, i was in a terrible mental state at the time and her constant ignorance always made me feel mentally unstable because i was extremely worried everytime (thoughts that came in where things such as, "did she harm herself?!" "did something happen to her?!", "is she mad at me?", "did i do something wrong?" "why is she treating me this way?", etc) and the reason why i was constantly on-guard was because she was in a dangerous situation at the time which made me keep an eye and try to check up on her to see if she was okay.
but even after that situation, it still happened and i've noticed that the ignoring had increased after she got out of that situation, it really made me feel like i was used emotionally.
yeah i agree, i was definetly mentally unstable to handle a relationship and i should've known better, but to me entering that relationship was my only hope to feeling better about myself at the time. and even tho she emotionally abused/ cheated on me at the end i managed to grow from it and move on (for the most part). i can't deny that the emotional damage that she caused me is still remanant in my head but i'm trying my best to still heal from the scars that entire relationship left me.
Number 3 hits me a lot and this is the one I fear the most. Back when I was younger, I wasn't considered "attractive" and I had an awful self-image, then I had a "glow-up". People treat me differently now, way more compliments and romantic attempts/flirting occurred. However, the insecurity and body dysmorphia still stayed. I fear this can give my significant other an ick.
I felt that. I was a ugly, poor, fat kid. Now I'm better looking, slim, and have a little money but I still feel like that shy fat kid. My wife says all the time " if you only knew how attractive and awesome you are." It's hard for me to see it but her love makes me feel like I can believe in myself.
What's "an ick"?
@@kiethj7 I know I'm a bit late to say this but maybe it helps you. There are actually some really interesting studies about why this happens.
If you used to be told that you are ugly (for example) continously, it's not only that you start believing it over time but there is actually a self defense mechanism going on. If someone calls you ugly, you lose control to some extent. By saying "I am ugly" yourself, you have the control about it. This may sound weird but there are two choices. Them saying you are ugly (you don't have the control) or you saying you are ugly (you have the control) and we will pick the one over the other any day, obviously.
I don't know if you play (or used to play) video games but maybe you know the moment when you destroyed someone and on their last life they just killed themselfes to end it or maybe you've even done it yourself. It's the exact same thing, we will lose anyways so why not in our own control? Because yk if you lose by getting killed by the other one, you lose and don't even have control about it.
Now if you've been doing this thing in relationships for a while (for example abusive relationships), this self defense mechanism burns into your mind. It creates a trauma. People "loved" you and let you down over and over again. This is extremely painful and actually more painful than not believing someone loves you in the first place and this is the fascinating part that you develop during all this mental abuse:
Your world only makes sense when your partner doesn't love you.
If you make sure they don't love you, you can't be hurt anymore, you're safe.
Them telling you they love you regardless makes you even more insecure because you can't have that safety.
You will continue doing this whole insecurity thing with "ohh I'm so ugly" "admit it, you find me ugly" etc, that it will eventually drive your partner away and guess what: your beliefs were confirmed. They left you. They never loved you. They never found you attractive.
It's a never ending cycle that is extremely difficult to get out of.
@@ptm_tobi You're actually right on time. Really appreciate the perspectives!
Same here
My girlfriend is trying her damnedest to find a common ground .. I've noticed that alot of my reactions to this could be pushing her away! She likes to watch her tv and I play my game in the living room so she can have her space ! I love her for everything she brings to this relationship ! This video helped me realize I am doing right in taking responsibly fair approaches to these adaptations ! She's drives a lot different and I've always been one up for change ! Chris and nori
I believe the points displayed in this video doesnt only applies to romantic relationships but to every relationship.
We must all love and respect each other and be empathetic towards others, for bringing kindness to others is what makes us human
I struggle with number 3 in the list, and sometimes I start believing that I am doing that which takes me down a spiral of worry of loss. I've been trying to "make myself believe" I am capable of things and that I am not hurting my relationship. Hope this helps someone who is out there reading the comments.
You did not ask for advice or anything like that, so please ignore what I am writing if you think that it is patronizing or smth. like that.
I think you dont ow anyone a big selfesteem, but yourself.
I think it is not healthy to pressure yourself in to thinking that you must change, for someoe else.
I think it all boils down to: "your partner is not your therapist"
I think it is legitimate to expect that people in close relationships (of all kinds) help each other if they have trouble, physically, or mentally.
But at the same time I think it is important to know when one is having problems of bigger dimensions. If that is the case, and these problems dont go away I think it is important not to put ones load at ones close people, atleast not for extended periods of time.
In such a case I think it is important to seek therapy (I am writing this from germany where therapy is covered by public healthcare, so seeking therapy here is obviously easyer than in other countrys), or to take part in a support group.
In such institutions there are people that singned up to help specificly with the problems you have.
If you read till her, thank you :o) , and do you understand what I am trying to say?
I wish you all the best.
Thank you for your advice, it is very helpful. And thankfully both me and my partner are doing therapy as we both struggle with life
@@FlashyLight
Oh great,
I am glad that I could help (a bit)
I wish you both all the best.
sincerely
Ok, guys, timestaps:
1. 0:35 - angrily react to criticism
2. 1:29 - disrespect your partner's privacy
3. 2:24 - bringning yourself down
4. 3:00 - giving ultimatumes
5. 3:52 - giving the silent treatment
thank you🤗
ty!
I can definitely confirm that bringing myself down in my first relationship really was the main reason as to why it ended. Don't make the same mistake people!
Yeah just supposed to "not do that" right? So easy.
@@aw111986"working this problems out in Therapy" instead in the Relationship :)
I struggle with this too - do you have any tips or advice in how to stop bringing yourself down so much?
@@MerryMoss Yes I do.
Just have some more confidence and faith in yourself and don't be worried about what they think of you, because if they leave you or get upset with you for no valid reason then they were not right for you in the first place. Another thing is to not be so needy, and not ask so many questions and just not get too emotionally attatched but still be invested and put in effort. Anything related to your situation you would like to know or any advice?
@MerryMoss @@aw111986 A lot of Psych2Go and similar lists on social media have this problem: they're good surface level summaries of a topic. But there's *SO* much nuance and depth, when you look closer or try to fix things. Merry, one thing often brought up in positive psych & hippie groups is regularly journaling the things you have to be grateful for; including positive qualities you have. The paradox is that someone *else* telling you you have it good is so toxic and dismissive of your problems that it can lead some people to self-harm, and yet one of the most successful therapy methods to combat depression and self-hate is regularly taking time to look at the positives in your life. It has to come from within and it takes time. It _cant_ be forced.
Imo, it's the reason why a relationship can't fix you (even if it helps), and why even a supportive partner who gives you tons of affirmation, can't necessarily override your self-doubts
I notice so many of these traits within myself and my partner.. this is both reassuring, and startling to realise so many of my own behaviours are toxic in their core.
See, I lost my mom this year- and ten days before that we lost her Dad, my Poppy. It's been such a hard road, and the grief is unimaginable. This year has done so much to me that I need to take a serious look in the mirror and reevaluate.
Thank you for the insight 🥹
What I found as profound and amazing, was just the bare minimum. My current partner recognized this early on, and let me know that I do deserve more than just the bare minimum and they don't brag about how they preform the bare minimum. The love I've been shown and continue to see is so reassuring. I'm someone who is still healing from past relationships but am ultimately getting better on my own, while having the gentle support of my partner.
I used to and sometimes still give the silent treatment when angry/drained as I was taught by my parents, however, I have been getting better with it; saying that I need some space and some silent time to myself to think, and if need be, cry. My partner understands my need for space without judgement.
Of course we both have things we need to work on both individually and as a couple-- even so, I have a great lover.
i had a friend who had some of these issues and helped them with it, if yall are getting in an argument always remember agreement communication comes first and not let your negative emotions take over, or else you would be talking negative things to your partner,
for whoever is not with their partner, keep in mind that they are also thinking about you the same as how you miss them 👍
*_learned this from experience_*
I always bring myself down and that always ends in insecurity and envy to others, and also leads to possessiveness, and watching this helped me to know my mistakes and stop them
not in a relationship or looking for one but i love to watch these videos just to make sure im a better person and or know how to make others feel happier
I actually saw some things I did and some things my partner did... These were the healthiest relationships I had, and acknowledging those things helps me to go through the end of them in a healthier way
Thank you!
This helped me feel so validated. The pattern of old relationships and it made me understand that it was valid for me to resent my partner after such behaviors kept showing up.
Yup. Angry reactions to criticism, ultimatums and silent treatment killed mine dead in the water. Even if your partner is aware of how important communication is, when it gets down to it sometimes they just don’t care. If you can’t communicate openly and freely you will never be happy in a relationship.
I’d rather stay single forever than have to be with someone who treats me like that again. If that’s how ur partner acts and they’re unwilling/unable to change, get out sooner rather than later.
i think it’s toxic immaturity that destroys relationships. in my case, i was so hurt from the way i was treated not only in past romantic relationships but my relationship with my parents. being surrounded with toxicity, walking on eggshells, listening to people blow up on each other and getting lashed out at definitely hurt me and influenced my choices. this caused me to not only undervalue friendships but the relationships i formed with people i loved. i had a loving, caring and kind boyfriend who put up with my emotional immaturity. i would lash out at him and overall treat him like he was beneath me. not only that but the overthinking and saying things i didn’t mean, such as, “this isn’t gonna last. just move on.” and insulting him for no reason. because that was my normal i ended up hurting him. i have since changed my ways and proven to him that i am worth being with, but right now we are broken up. this kind of behavior drains the energy out of people, always remember before getting into a relationship with someone that you are emotionally and mentally capable. don’t subject your partner to abuse just because you’re used to it. take it from me
not only this, but if i wasn’t lashing out i was pushing him away or giving him the silent treatment. he had such a kind and affectionate character and i wore him down and turned him into someone who hurt me consistently and repeating my past mistakes. i hope this helps people, please don’t be toxic like me. if you know you have problems, are mentally unstable/are aware you are toxic, work on yourself first before hurting someone else who doesn’t deserve it
With my partner I keep communication open as much as I can. I ask her if there are any problems or nitpicks she has about us or anything else. I let her know my own insecurities and we talk about them. I present my best while letting her know i'm not perfect. I'm sure she appreciates this because i'm willing to leave myself vulnerable for the sake of our relationship. I trust her completely and that's what I want her to see from me.
Thank you for making this video. I could relate myself to all of these and now I understand what my partner tries to tell me about myself. Luckily he’s still with me and is patient. It brought me to tears because this gave me an eye opener on how I am and how it effects him. Thank you.
Thank you for this. I had a disastrous relationship a few years ago, and am still working through it, so videos like these that help me to understand how to be/do better, and to learn and grow, are wonderful.
I know I was certainly guilty of responding angrily to criticism, giving the silent treatment, and several other things which harmed our relationship, and I constantly think about what I might have done differently...
Thank you for including in this video "bringing yourself down." This was definitely one of the key things that I think destroyed our relationship - no matter what I did, it felt to me like my ex was just endlessly insecure, depressed, anxious... she had real, serious, mental health issues that were not being addressed and that were far beyond my ability to resolve - a partner is not a substitute for a therapist.
On some of the other points, though... I understand that this is only a short video, and of course you can't cover everything. But I do wonder about more nuanced, complex treatments of some of these issues - e.g. including what it is a person does that leads their partner to get angry at criticism, or to give the silent treatment. I never gave my ex the silent treatment as a punishment, or in order to be mean to her. I gave her the silent treatment because I was so overwhelmed with criticism and tensions, with the numerous issues in our relationship that I barely even knew what to say. And because I felt like she *always* prioritized her needs over mine, and never created a space where I felt I could feel comfortable to express my needs, or why I was hurting, or what she could change. She made me feel like everything in the relationship was my fault - that I was the one who needed to change, to do better, to step up and do more - and I got caught up in her view of things and couldn't muster a point of view where I even deserved to push back, stand up for myself. So I just suffered.
And, similarly, with criticism, I think it has a lot to do with how the criticism is given. The tone, the mood. By all means, I very much understand the importance of taking suggestions in stride and making small changes in one's life. I won't eat in bed. I won't crunch and make loud noises when we're trying to watch a movie. But when the criticism comes to consume every aspect of your life, and when it begins to impinge upon your own comfort and mental health (e.g. my showers, my sleep), I think there are conditions where such extensive and interminable criticism inevitably leads to frustration, and to angry outbursts. I absolutely hate feeling like I ever match negative stereotypes of how men are, and I tried so hard to suppress or restrain my anger. But when you can't shower, use the toilet, brush your teeth, choose what to wear, choose what to eat, drive, sleep, or buy groceries without being criticized for how you did it; when any attempt to discuss it calmly and properly results in her standing firm that she thinks you're wrong and that you need to step up, again, more and more, work harder and harder, to change, again... well, I tried changing. I still got criticized. I tried talking to her about it. It got me nowhere. I tried not talking to her about it, and waiting, desperately, for her to mellow out on her own. That didn't work. And so, finally, it turned to anxiety (walking on eggshells, unable to even move without fear that I'd be criticized for something), depression, frustration, and, yes, anger. ...
So, I would like sometimes to see the other side of these issues also discussed. Why is your partner so angry when you criticize them? Why is your partner giving you the silent treatment? Have you done enough on your end to make them feel safe and comfortable talking with them about /their/ feelings, their perceptions of the issue, and their needs?
Thanks so much.
I wanna share this to a friend of mine because she's been on and off with a guy for a couple years. From what she tells our group of friends I can see some of these behaviors on both her and her partner. We always tell her she deserves more but she's always finding a way to give him a chance. It's a long distance relationship as well. One of my friends even tried hinting for her to try going to therapy because we can see that this relationship has given her some trauma, especially with the attachment. But she didnt seem open to that. We try to give advice and she'll follow it but after a while she stops listening and the cycle continues. I want to share this with her but I feel that it will just go over her head and to the back of her mind.
Points 1 and 2 hit pretty hard.
1) I reacted angrily to her humor. This led to her feeling incompatible and not being able to be herself.
2) I always tried to hog her free time. She told me she felt suffocated and overwhelmed. We never communicated through this. I eventually learned that people need time and space to themselves too, whether it be a few days or even a week. Talk about it clearly.
3,4,5 were not problems for us. But I feel my angrily reacting to her a lot really killed a potentially life long relationship. If anyone's reading this and dealing with a similar situation, my no. 1 advice is to learn to walk away when angry. And put the phone down before sending a text youll regret. Go for a walk and clear your head for 10 minutes and understand what you do and say WILL have lasting consequences for your partner. I learned this the hard way and going to therapy to try and improve.
I recently learned about these topics from a family communications class i took in college. I genuinely think this is an excellent video, it’s explains things so simply and so thoroughly at the same time. Well done keep it up.
Glad it was helpful!
I've just been in a relationship recently and it's also me and my partner's first relationship. I'm quite happy we're both very open to anything and can say no one is toxic that has done any of these behaviours. Although I could relate to the 3rd one in this video. Our relationship has brought out my most sensitive and vulnerable sides and insecurities but what I'm most happy about is it is also the reason I'm learning to be stronger and accepting of myself and it's all thanks to that person.
because of your videos, I finally gained the courage to ask my crush out and it went great, so now i want to make sure i wont damage the relationship I am in. thanks for your work in improving mental health for the world its hard work so good job so far.
And yes from my experience and for myself personally, showing to much criticism is bad, being depressed all the time depending on what it is also bad, not communicating is a big one, fighting over and over is another no no, letting your friend be around way to much is a no no as well, not letting them see there friends is another no no, not speaking up or protecting them, not showing support, not showing affection, not taking action for there own faults, cheating, flirting with other people, watching 18+ stuff online (depending if they don't care), hiding how you feel inside than come out later or not at all I can go on and on.
YES. letting your friend be around way too much (especially if they're of the opposite gender), is too much.
Man. Number 3 really got me there. My brother kept on ignoring me and I tried to help him with his problems. But didn’t needed my help. Right now I’m still trying to find a way to somehow get him to speak to me.
Thank you for this awesome video it really touched me. ❤
I’m not gay
This advice can be helpful for any type of relationship my friend :) No worries, I hope your brother is talking to you again by now
One of the things I struggled with in my last relationship was being able to decipher which things he said were criticisms or just trying to help me, because there were times where he told me I'm really stubborn and I worked on that and am not so stubborn anymore, but at the same time would tell me my optimism is annoying or critiqued how I talked or even that I'm really presumptuous and I couldn't sift through all the bs. He also gave a very bad ultimatum when I was at his house and I thought space would have been best, he said if I went home we would be over. He said things that made me think he was projecting his abandonment issues onto me and would stonewall me. He also discouraged me from talking to my family about relationship issues because he didn't want their perception of him to get messed up, but I personally think if I had told them we wouldn't have been together nearly as long (4 years). I believe his intentions were good but but he is a wounded soul who is an angry, draining, and negative person and by default all of that got pushed onto those around him. That's not an excuse to treat people a certain way, but it helps me to process what was really happening instead of me blaming myself.
This video made me realize my last relationship was toxic as could be, the only difference is that I blamed myself for everything that happened because I was cheated on and thought it was because I was the worst partner. Turns out this video explains some of the things my ex did to me. This whole time I thought I was always going to be the problem in any relationship and makes me undeserving of a loving relationship. Now I know that it wasn't always just me that had problems to work on. This video has opened my eyes and Im thankful.
Im a perpatrator of going through the phone... i notices my ex was talking with a whole bunch of guys and always on her phone and paid very little attention to me. And that started to make me lose trust. But all she called me was insecure! So one day she left phone unattended and looked through and saw she was sending nudes to everyone of those guys. I was devastated not at the fact she commiting adultery but the fact i was right to lose trust.
Theres a difference between being insecure and calling someone out when they are being sus af
I'm sorry you were cheated on, sometimes your gut is right. And although finding put you're right hurts. At least you know that's it's definitely time to move on. I think this point more goes for people who've dealt with this. And haven't resolved their trust issues.
And so just goes through their partners phone whenever they get anxious about being cheated on. Which isn't fair to your partner, if they're aware of your past. And has made it clear, and proved to you that they wouldn't betray you like that.
My boyfriend has also been cheated on in the past. He has moments where he asks me if I still love him. And if I'd ever cheat. Or ask if I'm talking to someone else out of anxiety. But for the most part. He doesn't stress over it. If he obsessively went through my phone and constantly asked/accused me of cheating though.
I'd most definitely get tired of the accusations and break up with him.
Sad this happen to you. Hopefully in the future you are able to sense if a person could be a cheater or not before getting together with them. >
Shit happens i guess
But you were right, bro 👀
@@harrisonjohn9142 i know!!!! Thats the worst part. I was too afraid of being deemed insecure and ignored signs and red flags
At school I accidentally offended my best friend, they gave me the silent treatment when I asked what I did. But the worse thing is that the next day they acted like it never happened. This has happened multiple times and I’m sick of it.
My cousin was like this. I figured out that she would have these secret competitions with me then I started secretly helping her win her secret competitions so she’d feel better about herself. There’s people out here that turn everything into a competition and hate losing so..
True friends will never be offended.
@@PickleThePig Offense happens, but it’s what they do with it afterwards that determines whether they care enough to be a friend or not
Every time I watch one of these videos, I can't help but feel like I'm just unlovable. I mean, I only really do #3 on this list, but that's still too much toxic behavior. It's no wonder nobody wants me. No matter how much I try to change and get better, there's always something I'm doing wrong, and these videos highlight that perfectly. I'm terrified of even watching them because I KNOW there's going to be something on the list that says "nope! You fixed all that other stuff, but here's EVEN MORE reasons why you deserve to die alone and unloved!" I know that's not the purpose of the videos, but I guess I'm just too horrible to use them properly.
nobody's perfect! but maybe you should stop watching these videos. : )
i promise that you arent horrible or unlovable. the fact that you so clearly want to improve means that youre already doing the best you can. you are not a bad person. and i promise there are people out there who want to help. i wish you the best of luck, and stay strong
You are not unlovable trust me! The fact that you are trying your best to avoid negative characteristics shows that you really will and do care for your future partner. Whether they reciprocate that or not is not based upon you, but based upon them (and sometimes even a reflection of them)
You are beautiful, strong and amazing the way you are. I was and (sometimes still am) just like you, but I've come to realize that the root of feelings of inadequacy are more in regards to how you see your self and confidence in yourself. I know everyone goes through feelings of insecurity but what I would recommend is try to look at the good things about you and the things you can do vs. the things you can't
Let me know if I can help any further :)
@@lilyilyilyilyily yeah, I guess that makes sense. I guess the main reason I subject myself to this torture is because there's a little part of my brain that goes "you have to watch it! You could be doing something extremely hurtful without realizing it!" and it's really hard to ignore that little part because my biggest fear is that I'll drive my partner away by accident without even realizing.
@@donaverboxwood yup, i understand that feeling. it's why im here right now, lol. fortunately or unfortunately im a little more well-versed in the art of not caring than most people, but it gets to me. the main thing to keep in mind is that when you obsess over trying to "fix" yourself, you often end up becoming worse. my best advice is to just try not to care, and if you find that you cant do that, tell them how you feel. good luck
Hug online from you here, bestie! I agree with all above my comment 💗
Watching this on my period made me visit healing wounds and some of them are still sore. I hope you find someone to share a nice lifetime together! No one is perfect, but at least you can try your best to make somoene happy and be happy in return ❣