Your wants and needs feel “controlling” to an avoidant
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- Опубліковано 11 лип 2024
- #dismissiveavoidant #fearfulavoidant #controlling #breakup #heartbroken #attachment #avoidant #emotionallyunavailable #dating #avoidantattachment #insecureattachment #relationship #relationshipcoach #situationship #attachmentstyle
I couldn’t understand when the guy I was seeing said I was controlling when I expressed how he made me feel. Although we had fun together I can not deal with the discard, gaslighting,silent treatment, weak excuses the list goes on. I’m feeling so much peace not having him in my thoughts or around.
Exactly
I'm going through the same thing as you, but I'm still having a bit of a hard time accepting that she doesn't want to be a part of my life anymore, when all she said was that we were endgame.
@@colored433it is brutal and incomprehensible dodging of any real responsibility - these videos really help.
@@colored433lmao at least she said that. Mine disappeared and will text once every three and a half weeks just to “see how I’m doing” 😂
@Darkempress45 No, she said that during and at the beginning of the relationship, my ex tried giving me vague answers too and tried ghosting me at the end of the relationship as well. And at least your ex texts you at all. Mine doesn't, but then again, if her texts were like your exes, then I don't know if I'd want her to text me smh.
I got broke up and gaslit about asking for cuddles lol
They need to work on themselves as we all work on things we need to improve.
Avoidants hurt their partners a lot. Faced all this . Nothing gets through them.
@@bapparawal2457 im going through heartbreak now so true then need to work on themselves BUT WONT. a slight argument n they run for the hills.
It ALL makes sense now. This is my closure right here.
Same for me!
😃…Thanks Coach!!! Once again , on time because that’s exactly what mine told me. “I was trying to control him.” At the slightest mention of anything. OMG!!! Thank you.❤❤
I think mine sabotaged us by pushing me away from intimacy When I said I didn’t like that.
He later told me I was smothering him.
I figured he wasn’t going to be there for me
So when he blindsided me, I realized I was fighting a losing battle.
So this sick relationship had to end
I truly believe a lot of this is subconscious and in his mind he made me the trouble maker.
Well they are adults now aren't they or just babies in grown up bodies?
Adult babies aren’t cute
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Yes yes and yes!
Those kind of people prefer people with little emotion or expression, unless the persons expressing an emotion relative to something they find interesting
It was terrifying realizing my ex-husband was a DA when I got sick in our relationship (chronically ill) and needed caregiving or help with daily tasks of living, and my even my medical requests (for physical safety) were called "controlling" and so HE DID NOT DO THEM. Imagine someone not helping you use the bathroom because the request for help is being used to "control him."
The scary part was I could not get help from others because he would go out of his way to convince them I was controlling. He also wouldn't let others in to help until things got really bad because he felt it would be a criticism of him that he couldn't caregive me alone.
I spent 6 years of my life in a living hell before we separated. It turned me into an avoidant in adulthood and I've been to like, 30 therapists lol.
Exsctly this. God forbid I get a response to a text message in a timely matter. Ridiculous. Early on he text me constantly almost a year later he acts like I’m the crazy one to not be ok with a response after 3-4 days IF that. Mind you, he’s the one stating he wants to be “friends” claims he is attracted to overweight women but thinks it’s ok to keep engaging me in a physical way. I cannot continue living in his confusion. It makes me so sad.
they are ridiculous people, one can only feel sad for them just how pathetic their behavior is
I got this exact feeling with the last avoidant I was talking to, so I just stopped talking to her.
You all are awesome, loving, beautiful people! Don’t let the avoidant take that away from you! Love yourselves, get back out there, date and have fun. Don’t obsess over the avoidant, it’s their loss and their issue to deal with. Believe that you are all loving, beautiful people because you are. Nothing can take that away from you. Regardless of what the avoidant does, we still have our loving selves! Isn’t that wonderful?! Nobody can take the love that you have inside for yourself and other people. Life is just too short and too beautiful to be pining after someone who has emotional issues and don’t know their worth. You all do, ACT LIKE IT! We are better than this, come on, get back out there and LlVE! ❤
Thank you!
Perfect Explanation !!!
Man, if me asking my ex to visit my grandma together who has dementia who was in the hospital for hitting her head 3 times on the floor was "too controlling", it must have made sense in HER head to then CHEAT ON ME and ghost me for 3 days in the same week I asked her! I don't think I deserved that ☹️. It took me to text her mom after the 3 days to see if she was okay, and THATS when she finally broke up with me in person and gave me mixed signals about us getting back together in the future.
Terrible, I hope you block her and move on with no contact.
You didn’t. Block and move on. I recommend men to listen to Andrew Tate videos. He has gotten a bad wrap but I’m a woman and he’s even helped me. Focus on yourself and realize that you are awesome, handsome, loving and have a lot to offer. It’s her loss ❤️
@vanessap8717 She was being extremely selfish for sure. I still love her and hope she changes, I know that might sound really stupid, but she's going down an immature path and while I do wish she gets help for her mental health, I can't change her right now, she made her choice, and all I can do is move forward and improve myself. I'll tell you that that's incredibly hard to do for me.
@Darkempress45 Thank you dark empress, maybe I'll check those videos out, I hope me and you can move forward and learn from this.
The DA friend that I have just no contacted had a melt down when I asked her what time she would like dinner, I was cooking. That was was controlling and too much pressure in her world. And so it went on with many up and downs, until I asked her if she missed me while I was away. She wouldn’t give me a straight answer, so it’s no contact from now on. I suspect that she will try to contact me when she needs something.
You hit the nail on the head!
Same for my bpd ex. Didn’t matter what I said or how I said it.
I am having a difficult time after a recent discard, and these are just the sort of supportive words I needed to hear. Thank you.
Is that why he's 30 and still lives at home, is his mother's servant, and lost his temper asking me " tell me what you want from me" when I requested we could be closer?
Wow. Dodged a bullet
SAME! my avoidant ex lives at home and is her moms servant. very controlling mom
@@TrickRacingdodged a bullet. Grown up kids make messes and Mom cleans it up
@@user-pw6gn1zt2d im wondering if the mom is to blame for me being discarded last week, things were PERFECT between us she was at my house making our future plans then 12 hours later boom shes gone been in no contact 10 days .
As long as you're saying it in a healthy way then you have every right to share how you feel. When you have someone blow up at you because they keep their feelings bottled up and contront you rather than just casually mentioning it, that's when the problems come in.
There's a difference between "Babe, wanna grab dinner this Tuesday? I'm dying to try that new restaurant!" opposed to "You never want to see me aside from the weekend!!"
If you want to talk on the phone more and they don't initiate it, just call them and see how it goes. If they're rude or dismissive then you shouldn't even be with them.
If you can't relax in your relationship, why are you in it? Explain that you are looking for more out of a relationship and you're not getting your needs met and they will either try harder or agree that it's not a good fit. But never stick around if you're not feeling good about it.
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Simply put, people who don't try to control or smother others don't need to be explained this, as they know what they want and don't stay in relationships with avoidants. People who don't understand this, are controlling and smothering and have just as much work to do as the avoidants themselves before they can have a healthy relationship with anyone.
That's 💯, unhealthy people always blame the next person. No healthy person would take that treatment unless they're broken themselves.
Exactly.
Hi, can I ask you please to talk also how to heal from avoidance? I'm avoidant I lost all ob my relationships, I working hard to heal. I would be grateful for any clues.
Can also start meditating and seek counselling help.
@@bapparawal2457Meditation classes DO help.
I’ll make another video on that. But I’d definitely go to a local psychotherapist (not just a therapist, but a psychotherapist). Psychotherapists have a deep understanding of attachment. The human mind learns in repetition, so when we repeat behaviors they become more automatic. It’s going to require some willpower to do some new behaviors and repeat them. You can do this! 💪
@@CoachRyanHyou one THE Best Coach...I have a questions if we set Boundaries..an Avoidant will still feel we are Controlling !?
Any video how to set Boundaries on Avoidant ex when she comes back ...
She will disappear ON and OFF breakup?
🙏❤️💫
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i was seeing her for a month and it was all great at the beginning and she pushed this relationship shit on me and so i started to treat her well and i started to bring up needs and she said i gave her the ick? i dont understand women nowadays
Is it ok to tell someone that they might have an avoidant attachment style? Or let them figure out themself?
In my experience they already know. Maybe not the actual term, but they are self-aware enough to know what triggers them and why they react the way they do. I have an ex who once said he can't hear anything sad or bad about himself or he'll shut down. I think bringing this up will make him feel shame and it wouldn't get the results you hope. If they are secure with a secondary avoidant attachment then that's one thing. But if they are a very unhealed avoidant then I wouldn't bother.
Yes! He avoided conflict for most of his life so anytime I brought anything up he took it as criticism and would ghost me for a week because he was like rethinking the relationship when we could have just easily talked it out. It would be over small things too but they lack the communication skills.
What if you’re in love with (and want a relationship with) an avoidant who doesn’t even want to be in relationship? That’s a sad place to be
It’s ok to be in love with them. I would do other things to not obsess over them and date others and do other activities to keep you busy. Stay in no contact! Coach Ken on UA-cam is really great at helping you to stay in NO CONTACT. DO NOT REACH OUT TO THEM!