The top dismissive avoidant trigger
Вставка
- Опубліковано 7 жов 2024
- #dismissiveavoidant #heartbroken #discard #discarded #divorce #avoidant #avoidantattachment #breakup #dating #relationship #insecureattachment #attachment #emotionallyunavailable #relationshipcoach #situationship #heartbroken #attachmentstyle
Ironic..abandoning your partner because you're afraid of being abandoned.
They leave you before you leave them. 😂 It’s something else.
Bc they truly believe they’ll end up alone, so they do leave before the other person can. The perceived sense of control lessens the inevitable pain. But humans need humans so they can’t NOT people.
It's a painful wound. they abondon you before you abondon them. so they are in control.
Self sabotage
Pre-emptive strike is what avoidants do. They get in or out before you do. In their mind, they really believe that you have WMDs, and that gives them cause to invade and strike first.
Even though the WMD's aren't real, they have convinced themselves that they are. That's their delusion and childhood traumas overtaking the reality of the situation.
Unfortunately, it means you, the partner/spouse, get blown to smithereens.
I GET IT
The nicer you are, the more loving you are, the closer you are to their ideal partner, the crueler they will be when they “dismiss” you because in their twisted way they are getting REVENGE on the person who neglected them as a child!
Too much mental gymnastics with these people. I won’t give them anything
Yeah, life is too short to deal with trouble thats not worth it.
It’s my first time ever experiencing this. Met an avoidant woman this year who shows all the signs of an undiagnosed BPD/NPD person. The most horrific thing I’ve ever experienced and I’m trying to pick up the pieces of my former self and also find myself again. Coach here has described the type of avoidant she is perfectly. It’s absolutely unreal.
This video explained my situation 100%. She lost someone who treated her very good and gave her time effort and love. Thank you for this video coach, it feels like this one was made for me and my situation.
The nicer you are, the more loving you are, the closer you are to their ideal partner, the crueler they will be when they “dismiss” you because in their twisted way they are getting REVENGE on the person who neglected them as a child!
Took 3 years until he got triggered...then boom 💥 gone! I won't play that game ever again!
Hard lesson to learn but you’re better off learning about it sooner than later.
@@unvaccinatedmgtowfitness 3 years was long enough...it was a good 3 years but I suspect he knew what he was going to do...because I felt it was likely...I always felt erasable and when I became available for a deeper relationship he was out in a flash. I was preparing to address the situation with him and he knew he was giving me breadcrumbs. I should of called it out earlier but I wasn't fully committed so it didn't seem important we were on the same page. I just thought we would talk about the next stage and make a joint conclusion but he made a unilateral descion and closed the door with no way back. That hurt...one day I will be truly grateful 🙏
Or…they start nit picking everything about you to create distance and push you away.
yep
Yes!!! Self sabotage. Create an argument from nothing
Just when I thought I'd heard enough, and learned what I needed to know, I played this video while walking from an event to my car... every minute or two, I'd shout out "Yeah." or "F***"... This is so on the money, It's hard to express.
Facts:
We dated for 18 months... at about the 13 month mark, she had Hysterectomy surgery, and when she told me about her plans, I told her "I'm not going anywhere" and didn't.... a few months later I found out I needed a Prostate Biopsy... and the procedure was done February 22nd... (negative...slow recovery)... I was very Anxious (way more than I realized).. and thought that my life (and sex life) was over if it was positive... and that all came out after I got my results. .... and yes... 30 days later (to the day) a day after a great date, fun and passionate, I get the Blindside Text.... "I can't see you anymore, I wish you well"... and then crickets...
its fits... The whole thing... when she was recovering, I was of service to her, and did lots of things for her... never pressuring her...
I confided with her after my results how much I was anxious and distressed, and like Ryan said, it must have just got too real, and I was the deliverer of real emotional vulnerability... and it was to much for her.
I'm over the hurt, and have forgiven her so I could heal... But, for her. what a awful way to live...
Thanks Ryan... another Bang-on video.
Thanks for confirming.
They go from fairytale land to running away when real issues need to be discussed.
We are normal people not their full time therapists.
We need to realize we are healthier without this.
Forget it.
Yeah, life is too short and hard enough for people without personality disorders or mental health issues. Healthy people need to become “avoidants” to people with personality disorders or mental health issues.
@@unvaccinatedmgtowfitness
Yup. In short just stay away from them. They will waste your time, energy and life.
You guys want proof: my avoidant came back after being divorced TWICE.
I asked for commitment after 3 months of passionate dating. Five days later was the last time I ever spoke to her.
Same basically lol
Thanks for that little part at the end, Coach. I can’t begin to explain how much hurt and confusion I felt when I saw the cold look in their eyes & even the annoyance. From the same person who asked me to marry me weeks before. I really felt like it was my fault and I just wasn’t good enough. Thank you so much for those kind words 💛
Its real, you feel like you never mattered to them at all....this hurt like nothing ive ever experienced. And I've willed myself out of depression before.
It’s actually insane how this can play out in reality. You can even get engaged by them pressing you to propose…Then anytime you mention setting a wedding date..SHE FREAKS AND SAYS WE SHOULD JUST SPLIT UP!!! Absolutely terrified of true intimacy and accountability to real commitment..ABSOLUTELY TERRIFIED. Like a child that loves getting a new toy but hates taking care of it. Just constantly desires the excitement of getting something new..without any real responsibility. The DA is definitely a stunted child.
Marriage is hard enough with two sane people. It shouldn’t even be considered if you’re throwing a personality disorder into the mix.
He just flipped in 1 day. His friend made a comment and he threw it all away including me in a day. Shut the whole thing down. No warning! Do I stay. It’s very painful. He won’t discuss anything. He is lonely. Triggered. Not available. It sucks!
I told my ex that "there is no chemistry" twice. I used to be in therapy for years, now I started a new one, I'm going around the abandonment wound, I try to touch it, it hurts like hell, but there is no other way.
I would like to say I only discovered this channel of yours a few days ago and wow I am sooo glad I did. You have pieced together everything whats been happening for over a year. So sad if only he knew I do love him 😢 but he won't accept it and runs away. So sad and tragic 😥
It’s hard cause I want to be there for her, I want to help her heal and get over her past traumas because I can see how great of a person she can be if she can just heal from those past issues.
I know it’s not my responsibility to heal someone but I just don’t want her to be in another relationship with a narcissist. Even if I’m not in a relationship with her, I want her to be with a partner who treats her how she deserves.
This is EXACTLY how i feel. This is my exact situation, with a man. So how donwe do that?
Healing is the only answer, otherwise suffering and feelings of being unfulfilled continues.
@@pattisymonette5024 yes but HOW do we help them heal? What do we do when they reach out again? I'd love Coach Ryan's take on this
Exactly how I feel. She did a slow discard and ended up going back to her toxic (her word) ex. He's manipulative and a taker (again, her word), if not an outright narcissist. I pray for her healing (and I'm not a religious guy) because I don't know how else to help her heal since we no longer talk. But I still care for her and wish her happiness, even if it's not with me. But, maybe one day, we'll reconnect somehow. In the meantime, I'm focusing on my own growth and healing. Best of luck to anyone going through this. 🙏
@@paulskalleberg I feel the same way, and my situation is quite similar, but I think she won't go back to her toxic, manipulative ex, she was done with him. But she is likely to connect with an other toxic partner, as she fears emotional intimacy. I just can't say, because I have no information, complete no contact since the discard, and I'm not on social media, but I'm sure even if she told me that she wasn't ready for a relationship, that she jumped into another one quickly, maybe even monkeybranched. After the pain of the discard, the questions left unanswered, the slow healing process, you have to assume that you can't heal them, it's not your role and it has to come from them. But I know it's frustrating when you see someone acting like that again and again, without realizing that they sabotage good relationships and seek unhealthy ones. I still miss the connection we had, and even if I really suffered a lot since the discard, I still believe that she was a good person and she deserved a nice relationship and being happy. As I know I have done my best, I have to resign on letting go, but I know I still need time.
The really annoying thing about all this is, they don't communicate with you. They don't tell you what on their mind. I thought everything was going great with us and she loved me, (no one is THAT go of an actor!).
A week later we were texting as usual,planning our next date and she comes out with,
" I'm ending the relationship, the romantic vibe has gone. Hope you find what you're looking for. Take care".
If I had a chance to talk to her, maybe I could've put her mind at rest. If she'd have said, "Can we slow down a bit, I'm overwhelmed", I'd have granted her wishes. But no! I didn't get a say in anything.
I'd have gone back to being friends and I think this would've been possible,as we were only 4 months in.
Maybe she couldn't be JUST FRIENDS as it was too painful for her?
(I should say that between our last perfect date and D DAY, her best friend died the day after getting married. A MASSIVE TRIGGER!!!?
It hurts but the thing to remember is do you really want to get back with someone who is so reckless of your feelings or is so self unaware about her actions towards others? This is no different than dealing with Psychopaths.
@@unvaccinatedmgtowfitness Hmmm.... She did have a brilliant sense of humour though. IF she did reach out, I'd put as much effort in a she did. I'd be fully prepared.
@@andybiddle9088 more power to you if you get the opportunity to do that. For myself, the good needs to outweigh the bad to go through that trouble again.
@@unvaccinatedmgtowfitness Best wishes mate 🙏🏻
As a dismissive avoidant i do this all the time. It really is to guard my own heart. I shut down and retreat. I dont want to keep doing this. Im on the journey to heal. And for what its worth im sorry
Thank you for your apology. Now - can you help others see how CRUEL it is to do what DAs to do their partners who LOVED them?
It's okay to get scared. It's okay to end things. It's not okay to be an insensitive a-hole when you do it.
@r-kelsey5704 You know what, I can dig that. Thank you for that, for real. ❤️🩹
Congrats - you're healing. Welcome to the struggle accompanying 'insight'.... take heart, you're on the right track, it will be worth it...😊
Thank you for the apology. My DA could not apologize. I was fairly newly widowed. We met and he love bombed me. Talked about marriage. I then was diagnosed with breast cancer and had a bilateral mastectomy. He promised he’d be with me through thick and thin. I was vulnerable and wondered when we would be engaged. I was triggered due to vulnerability of him leaving me over my cancer. Then I became depressed. I asked for a commitment and to be engaged. He said he couldn’t afford to marry me and broke up with me overnight and no longer loved me. Worse pain I’ve ever felt in my life. I treated him like a king. It was two years this past Monday that we broke up. He expressed he liked to be friends. I said only if we get help. He ignored that part. I finally laid the boundary down again last night. He’s expressed no remorse to me at all. I was his dream girl. The one God sent to him after 25 years of being alone after his wife left him for another man. He cried over the blessing of “me” in his life. I adored him. And then “poof”.
Again thank you for apologizing and recognizing my pain.
I want to believe this but sometimes I think I am delusional ... he dropped me because he doesn't like me. I cannot fathom that someone can drop someone they loved... You are so kind coach Rayan ...but after being dropped my self confidence dropped ... and /i don't know how to fix that
It is not your fault. Avoidants run away when you treat them good! None of this was anything you have done. Your avoidant doesn’t have the correct emotional stability. Never apologized, never communicated, never reflected. You are just having a hard time because you are a healthy emotional loving person! I know you can find someone that deserves your love! I love strongly too and found it so hard to leave and then understand my avoidant man and stop blaming myself! They don’t love in the correct way because they don’t even love themselves and they don’t want to try! Loving yourself takes work! This channel has been amazing in getting through my break up because mine always tries to get me back after the others turn him down or see right through him.
We live in a very small town so avoiding him is very hard in my case!
@@treehuggingcatlover2586 thank you for your kind words... it means a lot to me.. I still love him but I understand that he doesn't love me.. he doesn't talk to me... in the span of 11 months, he reached out once only..and when I did, he ignored me for 2 days then proceeded to ghost me .. he did put himself first... good for him ...I assume he found some one better... maybe he is married by now ... sometimes I feel really sad as I know I don't want anyone else... before meeting him, I used to look for someone to be my mate... when I saw him for the first time I was drawn to him and after he dropped me, I know I won't be able to forget him or unloved him... to be with someone new I need to stop loving him... I stopped chasing ... now I wish I get a mini stroke so I forget him.
Kind of funny how Avoidants deal with abandonment issues by abandoning people. Inexcusable and selfish behavior. I truly have no empathy for them
….yeah
Emotionally immature.
This was the message I needed to hear today... Thank you for providing clarity.
Spot on, brother, my wife after 6 years of being together done all these things. Then one day blindsided she left, gave weak excuse and discarded.
Surely you saw signs of this before marrying her yet you signed up for it anyway am I right?
@unvaccinatedmgtowfitness Nope, because Avoidants can present really well, like they are secure. That's the trap and during the honeymoon phase 12 months plus, they can love bomb and make it look like this is the best relationship ever.
Up until their fears are triggered.
If it was so obvious many, many people wouldn't be in the same predicaments with Avoidants.
They really are the chameleon of attachment styles where they hide in plain sight... waiting for their next meal (so to speak).
Yes he told me he has been working , very busy. We made plans to see each other. He did not follow through 😢
Wooooooowwwww.....THIS is exactly what my guy did before he out of the blue blocked me on all platforms. Out. Of. The. Blue.....
My avoidant ex she gave me acctually her "strong" reasons to break up. Absolutely ridicolous reasons created in her sick head...
Yes, and it's a tape they keep playing over and over again - in their head and to their partners, even when it doesn't make any sense.
I was talking to her for about 2 months, long distance, visited her only once, she was supposed to come see me then, BAM. Dropped me like it was nothing. I can see how she would fall into this, though. We talked lots about our hopes and dreams. Everything seemed to be going well, but she ended up saying she's just not ready to "be the partner that I deserve."
Needless to say, I'm about a week into true no contact. I messed up my first no contact after she sent me my hoodie and a letter, which made me call her. Either way, I'm trying to stay no contact because I know it's better for my mental if I just forget about it all. Even if it's hard to do when I got no explanations about what went wrong.
Maybe a bit of self inquire, as why are you still interested in someone that dismissed you and you only knew for 2 month
Nothing went wrong due to you. Like Coach said in the video, you were a good partner that was emotionally available, and it was that availability and the increasing closeness that triggered her. A healthy partner would have leaned happily into being treated well and into the relationship growing. Stop flogging yourself. You did nothing wrong. Grieve the lost relationship, then get up, dust yourself off, then get back in the game.... hopefully with an emotionally healthy partner this time. You deserve someone that can love you and that can let you love them. All the best! (BTW, speaking from personal experience.)
You will be just fine.
I had to leave and call it off as mine was beginning to slow fade on me.
Mine still has my stuff, I told him to drop them in my car spot as am in no contact to heal and dont want to see him, but hasn't I don't know why he isn't dropping them.
She abandoned me after 14 years together. She lied about why, gave no explanations. Since then she has read my few messages and hasn't responded once.
She fuxking destroyed me.
That was a phenomenal and clear distillation. It is the larger question of how can one help the DA see what is happening and how to help them find how to understand they can heal and transform?
Taking that burden upon yourself when they’re not inclined to do so is a fools run man
They have to have the self aware ness and desire to acknowledge their patterns and do the work to understand and change them
Beat you could do is share what you’re learning about attachment in relation to yourself (but I strongly encourage you to get in touch with why you want to do this for them and what you hope to gain, assuming you haven’t already)
@@MinorKey135 Thank you.
My ex did this exactly to me.
Does it mean that a discard will be inevitable at some point in the relationship, if both partners are unaware that one of them is an avoidant and assuming that the other partner is a healthy loving one?
Exactly what this guy says exactly my ex heshh.
The thing I'm still a little confused by his when everybody's talking more serious than they find out that this relationship is more serious and you start moving in together planning marriage planning kids and then you guys get an argument and they do this runaway come back runaway come back for a few days especially if you have two properties and one of them you're getting ready to rent and the other one you're going to live in but every time a situation happens not all situations but like the big ones they run away and they avoid the communication or they get upset about something and they run away if they're scared of commitment and all these things because they think they're going to be let down then why do they go this far why do they move in with you plan all these things together I don't get it plus you even help take care of their kid and you're doing all these things together with their family and everything else
Plus even right now wants there stuff but it's not all packed yet and they say it's okay just give me the xbox I'm dying without my xbox. like what?
Run away and find someone without the mental health issues unless you enjoy high turmoil.
Yep - once we adopted 4 kids - she went avoidant and shut down, gave the kids attention, affection and physical affection - while I was discarded. Slowly over time until she just stopped kissing, touching or any other physical intimacy.
For me it was a gift and a call
She freaked out and left town
Thank you!
I think we fall in that trap. We spend a night together with our kids the first time. She said how she enjoyed that weekend alot. Two days after she said she doesn't want a relationship now and only limerance like short relationships without commitmend. We write a lot and she often says she misses me and hope for some kind of connection. Even intimite chats. But she often says she maybe date others just for living out needs. Now I am at the parting way to either walk away which is hard because we had so much more like our kids liked us, a lot in common etc. But on the other hand she goes to therapy and I fear that she and I will deift away. She often says she feels that she often sees hiw much better it was with me. Now I wonder when I stay how we can "survive" without triggering her. Or how I can cut loose. We where on radio silence for three weeks or so several times and always wrote each other. I don't want to be breadcrumped or a backup. On the other side she said always the truth and never lied to me in all the time ...
Look man, the best case scenario is you get into a high turmoil long term relationship with her which will undoubtedly involve things like cheating and discards from her. Is that really what you want to sign up for and subject your kids to.
Thank you
The like bottom doesn't work
It’s all very well saying all this very true facts. My question is what do you do about it?? I have this ever so lovely beautiful girl who comes over. I cook for her. We have the best of affection. She goes and that’s it I don’t hear from her for months weeks. So what do I do?
You let her go. I just got discarded two days ago. I felt like this: Her feelings always dictated the state of our relationship. Her boundaries were more important than mine. She rarely self reflected, she was the one who wanted me to take accountability while never sharing hers. I had to put in 80% of the work and she barely managed to hit 20%, all the time. She was breadcrumming me (minimal effort into staying in touch). I did not meet my needs, I needed someone who could offer some commitment, she did not.
She broke up with me, but wanted to stay friends. She was hurt most when I told her I couldn't be friends with someone who couldn't even talk to me.
🏃♂
What about FA
I’m FA and feel all of those things can apply to me too. I can self reflect, if I want to. Sometimes my nervous system goes into fight it flight mode when I’m feeling vulnerable or too attached. When that gets to be too much to bear, I push people away and shut down my feelings so that I am impervious to any emotional pain someone else could cause me. I can also have an anxious side where I need more than average reassurance that I’m loved/cared for. That helps with the fear of abandonment. I also like a lot of transparency and if I sense even a small amount of dishonesty or deceit, I really have to talk myself out of assuming the worst case scenario. If I can’t do that, I will shut the other person out with no explanation. I never felt like I owed anyone, who is trying to deceive me, the effort to explain. I’m not good at expressing my boundaries. I assumed people would treat me how they wanted to be treated and if I don’t like the way I’m treated, I’ll throw that person out of my life. Otherwise, I’m pretty good at reading people and sensitive to their needs (i think I learned those skills by growing up in a volatile environment). I can be empathetic and loving/caring, and genuinely would never want to hurt anyone, but when I’m triggered, all bets are off. Of course I now recognize these aren’t healthy coping mechanisms, for me or a relationship, and have seen how trying not to get hurt, has led to hurt (self fulfilling prophecy). I’m much better about communicating and being vulnerable. Most of these things I’ve learned by dating a dismissive avoidant and seeing myself and my own behaviors in them. Sorry for the windy response. I hope that helps.
@@bg370z9 squishy Avoidants
@@bg370z9i m FA ITS TRUE😢
This video has no sound😮
I had sound.
Turn up your volume 😊