This can also happen in families where you witness a lot of arguing and chaos and your nervous system is constantly vigilant expecting the next outburst/ unpredictable behavior so you grow up placating everyone in an attempt to avoid conflict. *Edit*In my home there was a combination of both. Big blowout arguments, then silence while we all go to separate places. Stomping around and slamming doors but not speaking. The next day we act like nothing happened...I would consider myself anxious-avoidant (I think also called disorganized or fearful avoidant) because I experience characteristics of both. Either shutting down and ignoring my needs, or exploding and feeling like I have to fight for my voice to be heard. Of course it's more complicated than a short clip can explain but I definitely exhibit the behaviors she described in my relationships. Getting better though. Healing is possible❤️
@@LexinePishue This is exactly what I experienced growing up. The elephant in the room was expected to be ignored. No repair talk, just pretend like nothing ever happened. I see you ❤️
Living in this environment is horrible. Specially if you have a parent or family member with a disorder like schizotypal, anger issues, bipolar, that refuses to get treatment
I can remember this as a kid. My mum would do it especially. If she got angry, or annoyed, she got quiet. I HATED when mum got quiet. One word answers, if at all, no eye contact, just complete shutdown of communication. Sometimes minutes, sometimes hours. But you know why I love her to this day? She developed out of it! She doesn't do that anymore, or if she does it doesn't last ANYWHERE near as long, and it's always followed up by hugs and apologies. She recognised what she was doing to her kids, and her relationship, and began improving. It was slow, but it meant the world to me, and it was a great example that no matter how awful I have been, I can always change. I can always make things right. I can remember times as a teenager, washing dishes and cleaning to try and appease my angry, silent mother. And then she just came up behind me, hugged me really tight and said she was sorry for stressing me out, and thanked me for trying to help her the only way I knew how. I know she likes a clean house, so I cleaned to try and make her happy. That's the difference between a good parent and a bad one. Good parents may still do bad things, and can make a BOATLOAD of mistakes. But they will always recognise that it was a bad thing, and try to fix it. They will try to grow and mature, even if they're a middle aged adult! My mum did her best. She made a lot of mistakes and bad choices, just like this kind of thing from the video. But she didn't stay that way, and she did her best to try and help me feel loved, appreciated and emotionally validated. It was late, to be sure, but I love her to bits for trying and doing her best to help me through the aftermath of growing up with her doing that! She encouraged me to go to therapy, and whenever I feel stressed or anything she is open to hear it and accepts it, even if she is part of the problem. I'm an adult now, but I still go to her to complain, vent and seek advice, because she's the best person I know for advice about changing. My mum isn't perfect. But she tries a lot harder than many parents, and I am so lucky.
Thank you for this comment. Many times we just blame or parents and our past and we forget that they didn't had the knowledge or resources to handle emotions like we do today. Let's all take responsibility and be better and love our parents because they tried their best.
I can't relate as someone who is more the anxious side. JUST TALK! They won't yell at you, if they do, leave. Avoidants always leave good people due to not opening up anyways. Open up or hate your life, like cmon, it's not easy I've broken down crying and thrown up (real bad trauma). That one girl still lost interest and probably was just bottling up. Do not damage good people by trying not to damage people.
@@SA-ey6nta healthy amount of “clinginess” is essential for any healthy relationship, whereas the lack of “tAlK” is detrimental to any relationship… please stay alone if you really hate “clinginess” and “talking” that much, don’t bother other people and don’t get bothered by other people and die peacefully and gracefully alone.
"Oh, my childhood was fine! Very boring. No yelling or abuse or nothing like that." I've been saying this for over 30 years and this short just hit me like a ton of bricks.
I didn’t know it was mine until I watched this. And I am exactly like she just described. I always knew the silent treatment was not good but I didn’t know why
Don’t forget the part about feeling incredibly guilted when you finally decide to set boundaries with your partner and not go along with absolutely everything because your just “disappointing people”
Yes & no..? For me, I can have boundaries & express them with my hubby…he knows exactly how sensitive I am to certain ways of phrasing things, tones of voice (tired = grouchy in my mind & I always take it personally…I have to be distanced from the immediate moment with the tired tone to realize it’s not me & it’s not personal, etc…JUST. TIRED.), lighting, sounds, textures, etc…and I kid you not, he’s perfect for me…imperfect, yes…and he’s not “perfect” like “my every weakness is met by his strength” or something (that’s a romantic notion. Sometimes we’re both just weak, and that’s okay.), but like…he really respects those boundaries, and whenever they’re crossed, he acknowledges it, owns it, and apologizes for it…and that’s something I’m just hungry for - not for my boundaries to never ever be crossed, but for how the whole thing is handled afterwards…I grew up with the mentality that I either couldn’t really have my own boundaries, or the lack of respect for them was somehow on me. And him showing me differently? That’s treasured. The problem isn’t setting boundaries with my hubby, but with my mom…I can’t express any pain she caused without it being my fault or something, I used to not really have my own time (I lived at home until I got married, and my hubby has had my back since day 1, whether I’m in the right or the wrong…it’s just that he manages to tell me I’m wrong about something without me falling apart…😂🥹🥰), I wasn’t really allowed to feel off & not do chores or something unless I was physically sick enough to not do them (which, hey!! Mental health is a real thing too!! It’s just that if you read “don’t leave your depressed loved one alone”, you suddenly get to never leave them alone…😂🙈), etc…mind you, a lot of these memories are a bit older…but it doesn’t matter how many times I forgive & forget, the next time anything similar happens, it reminds me of “that one (hundredth) time when…” & it just sucks…to this day, I don’t think I have boundaries with her…and it’s draining. If she asks me to help with the kitchen, I work myself to the bone doing as much as I can with as much anxiety as I have, burn out doing it, feel guilty as heck for not completing it to the nth degree/asking for help/thinking of my own messy-as-heck kitchen that I’ve been avoiding because it’s so overwhelming (no matter if it’s almost clean or terribly dirty, no less), and panic all over again because of how much left there is to do…in both kitchens…all that to say, communication is tough with my hubby, but almost impossible with my mom…and I just don’t want a repeat of that in my home. I want my kids to feel like they can tell me what I’m doing wrong & improve my parenting with them. I’d rather a little humiliation at getting something wrong (because I go all the way or no way - there’s no such thing as minor embarrassment for me…😂🤦♀️🤪) than a long lasting wound growing up. ❤
And when youre first learning boundaries and are terrible at them, so theyre either wayyy too harsh or lenient (oftentimes dependent on how secure you feel with the person), and in the end you wonder how your loved ones put up with you, if they did
@Joyfillied wow, thats a lot to unpack.. i hope youre still working on yourself for your hubby. He sounds like hes doing great though, youre so blessed to have someone like him. Hopefully you can figure it out with your mom, too. It's very important for yourself to forgive others, and if you'd like to forget afterwards, first reflect and learn the lesson from the situation, remember those important details of the lessons you learned from your pain, but forget the ones that are painful when possible. When boundaries are crossed or youre hurt again by the choice of another individual who previously made the same mistake but apologized, then it actually is up to you to do something, otherwise its very easy to be taken advantage of, unnecessarily. So, if someone doesnt respect you enough, it's up to you to do something that doesnt control them, but controls the situation. For example, if someone kept repeating the same mistakes, it's worth weighing whether or not youd like to continue the relationship or if youd like to take a step back from it (engage with the other person less). If you dont do that, then its very easy for the other person to keep hurting you because you provided no consequences. I hope you do provide related consequences for boundaries purposefully being crossed because you deserve that❤ God bless❤ Ps. I think you would probably really benefit from asking your hubby questions when you feel insecure (for example: ask, "Are you mad at me?" Or "Are you just tired?") I think it would be really sweet because youd be improving your communication for him which shows you care, but it would also probably help you feel better in certain situations❤
Half of my family did this the other half yelled and threw things across the room. Over the last 20 years I have been working on letting my children know they can tell me anything and that I will support them in any way they need me to. I may not always agree with their decisions but I will always love them no matter what. I try to be the calm bay in the wild sea of life. I hope when they are all grown they see me in this way.
This is why I apologize for everything and always think people are mad at me, talking about me negativly, or dont like me.. I also always feel like im in trouble
whoa i have this SAME exact experience and was just telling a friend about it last night. except my mom screamed a lot and was verbally abusive crazy how different situations can produce similar outcomes
When I was young, I envied “quiet homes” because I came from a large black family and we get loud and we yell and we communicate in a way that is not very quiet so as a kid, I just always thought like it was better to come from a home where there was no yelling, and there was no raising your voice or anything like that as I’ve gotten older I realize that there are issues with both kind of upbringings because trust me I got my problems, but I had no idea. This is how the avoidant is formed.
Because this is how I was raised, I always thought it was a positive thing, I thought we all had the ability to move on, when in reality we were repressing our feelings and needs.
My first relationship with a full-blown diagnosed borderline was such an event. I’ve done a lot of work in recovery for the past eight or nine years, and had a really healthy relationship for three years prior to her. We literally never had a fight in the whole time, there were probably two times when I was really triggered and kind of tried to start one but my partner was just phenomenally, healthy, and in love and committed to communication. We worked through some really profound stuff in both of our lives and childhood. When I met my ex BPD, going over past relationships as many of us do when preparing to commit, long-term to someone, good to assess and know what we’re getting into! She hooked me in with empathy from all the stories of abuse and abandonment she had, which were actually, 180° reversals from reality like everything else in her life that I found out much later and were all situations that she caused, created or forced with her horrorshow behavior. When I was telling her about my last relationship that we didn’t have a single fight in three years, she said “how boring!“ I couldn’t tell if she was kidding or what… It should’ve been an orange or red flag I realize now, because she really wasn’t kidding. She had been, however, posing as a professional in the healing professions, as well as somebody on the spiritual path. You know where we take responsibility for ourselves in our lives, and try to create peace and more love in the world? Yeah, basically the diametric opposite of toxic people and the cluster B Spectrum.
Oh man....I just realized something about myself this comment. I think depending on thw situation it still can be a good thing. Like a super power. Cuz for me at least, whenever something bad is happening, in the moment I am completely fine amd callm and collected and get through ot without freaking out or getting emotional or anything. I MIGHT melt down after wards when things calmed down and the situation is safe again. But, I don't always. I'm like an emotional brick when bad things happen and I can handle situations. But I know there's a downside to this. But think the pros outweigh the cons. Car crashed? 😕 Family member sick in the hospital? 😕 Person jumped out the car while I'm driving? 😕 Mother tried to self delete? 😕 Sister ran away to a different state to start a new life? 😕 SA? 😕 Drunk friend trying to self delete? 😕 You get the point. I just keel a level head. But maybe it's from this?
@@sillianjloth254sounds like you’re dissociating from life bc negative emotions would be too overwhelming. You override your body’s natural ability to process emotions by stamping them down and rationalizing. It’s normal, common, and what you’ve had to do to survive and keep yourself emotionally safe (unconsciously). It’s probably affecting your relationships though and other areas in your life where other uncomfortable emotions may pop up. Life is about balance - not overly emotional and not so stoic that you don’t feel anything - we should aim for healthy “wise mind” (what DBT calls it). Do you ever feel like you’re on the outside looking in?
@@sillianjloth254I'm mostly of the same mindset. Though I'm curious why people are jumping out of your car while you're driving?! What is going on there? 😂
Wow you just captured my entire childhood. I wish I saw this before it took me 35 years to figure out why I was so messed up with my family. I'm 37 now and life is much better once you understand the reasons your so fuxked up and can move past it and become the person I actually am. Your words are amazing at showing how damaging a household like this can be. My parents don't understand why my kids are allowed to cry and yell and have opinions. To us it's not an option or an allowance they are human so they get to be and act like humans.
Congratulations on letting your kids be actual humans, with ranges of emotion and experience and expression. Figuring out that that's important is impressive considering your own history. Obviously it's not gonna be perfect and our kids are also going to need therapy 😂 but not like us. Cheers.
Ppl who say everyone can heal never dealt with cptsd. Say that to traumatized veterans! You have no idea how broken their mind is and seeing and doing horrific things played out on repeat in your mind! Thats like breaking someones legs and telling them walk it off. My other analogy is when you break a mirror it will never be the same. You got your big pieces you can put together but then you have smaller pieces that dont fit right no matter what you do while other pieces are completely shattered. You can try and fill those holes yet things wont ever be the same! Not by a long shot!
I had that same issue when I was dating my husband and in the first 6 + years of marriage. It was BECAUSE my parents fought about everything and were constantly arguing. They made me feel like my opinions and thoughts didn’t matter because I’d get blown up at all the time. I worried that my marriage would be the same way, so I didn’t express how I felt until my husband had to pry it out of me! I’m finally learning how to be open with my feelings after 10 years… 😂 My husband is the best thing that ever happened to me! 😊
This is why i have pretty much constant conversations with my daughter about speaking up, and knowing that she is allowed to take up space and so are her feelings
I hate how accurate this is it's like we lived the same childhood 😢. I struggle so much with even accepting that my problems are really worth bringing up, even then I back down so easily. Having relationships and connections is a huge struggle too. Ugh.
This is me. I moved out and had no clue how to resolve conflict as an adult, had no clue THAT I had no clue. I thought it was normal. I've learned healthy conflict resolution over the years but it still gives me a lot of anxiety.
Your videos have helped me be more self aware of how I teach my 2 year old to regulate his emotions. I grew up in a disfunctional family and I wasnt taught how to regulate my emotions or any healthy coping skills. I try my best to be emotionally present with him, even though I am still healing from my own traumas and tend to dissociate. It's been hard maintaining calm and regulated during the tantrums, but I remind myself the way I speak to him now is how he will talk to himself as he's older. It's exhausting especially as a single mother, but I'm hopeful that in the process of this we are ending generational cycles of abuse.
I love these. Format is incredible both prospectively in raising my own children but also retrospectively in making sense of the disordered family systems I experienced as a child. Thank you for your work.
Ex wife opened up about severe childhood trauma 2 days after she asked for a divorce. She accused me of not loving her and not being supportive and that I forced myself to love her. Nothing she was saying was making sense. Everything came out of left field. Then she finally opened up about her trauma. I held her told her I loved her was proud of her for opening up. And she still pushed me away. Sometimes you try and try but they still push you away. The emotional imbalance they possess is nothing that we can do to change it. The survivor needs so much support from loved ones, if not they will close off and begin to spiral. Mental health is sad. We just need more people to have the emotional intelligence and capacity to stay near these people who are hurt more then words can explain. God bless all
My Dad goes through this with my Mom (she had a VERY bad childhood), so I see where you're coming from from a third party and I just want to say, in case no one else has, that people like you are very appreciated. Massive thank you. Hoping you are well.
We push away because we are too consumed by our trauma and we can’t possibly see how anyone would want us. This is me currently. I’m struggling to understand why my emotionally avoidant husband would want me when he doesn’t express love to me in a manner I apparently need. So I automatically assume he’s lying to me and I panic. It’s horrible. And we may not make it.
Thank you so much for not giving up on her. I'm sorry your marriage did not work out. Trauma can be so consuming, and trying to function while you're in it is like walking around in complete darkness. You have a big heart, and I'm so sorry things didn't work for you two. Thank you so much for sharing your comment. It made me cry. I'm thinking of myself and my bf in yalls shoes. I just want to grow and heal and do better. God bless you ❤️
This was my family growing up. My mom was completely depressed to the point of being non-functional, and no one talked about it. My sister and I were being neglected and falling apart at school. My parents pretended we were fine. At 14, I threatened to unalive myself, and my dad hit me so hard I don't remember it. It was never spoken about for 30+ years until my dad casually mentioned how big of a brat I was at 14 that he had to smack some sense into me. My dad is likely an avoidment attachment, my mom was definitely anxious attachment, people pleaser who expected us kids to fawn over her the way she would fawn over her verbally abusive mother. Guess what- we're avoidant attachment and she would say things like she didn't think we loved her, etc because there really was no relationship between us. Just silence. It was awful.
I think a lot of people actually do know to some extent. Maybe not in exact detail or in a way that helps them understand how it affects others, but I have never met a person that doesn’t know their own toxic traits. Talk to them for a while and they will tell you in their own words. “I don’t know what my problem is but I can never (fill in the blank)”… or any other phrasing where they notice they are different or insufficient or heavily pointing fingers at others when it’s their own insecurity they are hating on. They know. Trust me.
@@chelseabunker2391I disagree. Read Robert Greene, Laws of Human Nature. Read any book or watch more videos on human behavior. You won't be wrong, you'll just have more knowledge, understanding and better tools.
@@chelseabunker2391actually, they have a clue that something is wrong but they can't pinpoint what because they lack the introspection, because they feel so bad about themselves that they can't look inside them and look what's wrong and even if they do, there's so much wrong, they get scared and prefer not to look
This is true. Took many years to figure this out. I grew up with parents who rarely fought, they would just shun each other for weeks. They were good people and good parents to me, just bad with each other. It was just how they were raised and they weren't even conscious that they shut down like that. Then I married and my first husband was awful but I would just put up with so much because I didn't think I was worth it and I didn't want to be the bad guy. But then I did the deep work, got comfortable being "the bitch", which meant having boundaries and expressing needs. Eventually got out of that relationship and everything got better. I didn't go to therapy but it likely would have got me here faster. We don't have to be victims to our own impulses forever. It is possible to heal.
Omg. This is me. I worked really hard in my 20s to get out of this but when my mom moved in with me cause she was sick it triggered so much dysfunction and disregulation 😢😢😢😢. I had such a “good” upbringing that I didn’t know what was wrong with me now I see. We had the silent war in my home as a child
My issues with my dad gave me anxious attachment stuff, my issues with my mom gave me avoidant stuff. Now I'm struggling my way through trying to communicate with my partner and doing my best to grow and change. Thank you for helping me identify what's going on in my head.
Holy crap, this is similar to how I grew up. Only there would be random bersts of anger from my parent, and then pretending nothing happened, and it was always me being the problem. No emotional self-control or responsibility. I ended up apologizing for everything, self blame, or hyper-vigilant for contention and just letting the other person say, think, do whatever and losing any issue brought up to keep the peace.
Or a mum whose temper goes from 0 to 100 like a flick of a switch and starts screaming for the smallest things, so you become hypervigilant. Or when your parents talk over you when you want to tell them something exciting, making you feel like your needs are unimportant.
That's why it's dangerous now for me and mine bc this hypervigalence has now caused bodily reactions reflexes I have no control over I'm immediately ready for smoke that's why I be too myself bc not too much on me im avoidant to protect them and myself at this point cuz I'm tired of the shit
The lightning fast 0 to 100 temper, plus the silent treatment thing creates the worst anxiety and hypervigilance possible, which is what I have to deal with to this day with my mom, fun times.
Wow, I’m learning more on here than I have before! This is reading me like a book and validating my experiences HARD! Wow…I used to get the silent treatment/ignored as punishment as a kid growing up & as an adult, when people aren’t talking to me, I feel like they’re mad at me & like I did something wrong. I had a coworker who some days wasn’t very talkative (she can be like that in general) & for days, I felt so guilty for nothing, as if I did something wrong. Turns out, she wasn’t even mad at me and she was surprised when I asked her if she was. Thanks for a vid like this. I often feel very alone in my experiences, but this makes me feel less alone & validated. ❤
I’m avoidant, fearfully to be exact. My husband has a secure attachment, when I stonewalled to prevent fights, he told me that wasn’t healthy and it shattered my upbringing. I always felt unheard and uncared for as kid, but I thought that was the natural order of a parent-child relationship. We have a daughter now and I’m working hard to stop those FA coping habits because I don’t want her to feel the burden I felt growing up.
This is my family lol. My parents can literally feel tension and just keep everything light and pretend like everything is fine. They will not, I repeat, will not ever bring anything up. Or ever say sorry.
My ex-husband's family. When I realised why I was so miserable it's because I was going along with everything that was "expected" of me. I was basically a nothing person.
I would get hot and cold treatment from my mother along with Gaslighting which made self doubt around my own identity and decision making process and whether i am worthy of it but thankfully i got this concept i am trying everyday to recovee from it into a secure individual to form healthier relationship and avoid abusive relationships in future
Idgaf I m getting ish of my chest so nobody can be in the dark about my thoughts and feelings. I’m not carrying around all these rocks and can’t offload 😅
Whenever I asserted a point of view as a teen, stood up for myself in the strict helicopter home I was in, I'd get slapped with the "crazy" label. My parents have gotten better thru the years. I'm 31 and moved out now. I am trying to learn to share emotions with others. But damn it's hard. Not knowing how that emotion will be received.
I grew up in a really great home with wonderful parents, but it wasnt perfect of course. I've always been the type to shut down when I'm upset and close myself in my room and my parents would give me my space... But in that time I would start thinking negative things about myself, my family, the world, etc. After I calmed down, I'd be good and like it never happened, but telling yourself the same lies over and over definitely makes an impact. So now with my own kids, no matter if I'm upset with them, they're upset with me, they've gotten in trouble, or are just having a hard time and need a moment I always tell them I will leave them be until they want to talk, but I won't leave them alone. I'm here if they want someone to hug them and understand that hugging me doesn't mean they aren't still mad/upset or that I'm not... Just that no matter what is going on, I AM HERE and they are NOT alone or unloved or unwanted or unseen. It doesn't erase the situation, but I don't want to leave them alone with their thoughts. Of course there are times when one needs to be completely alone. Not sure if this is right or wrong, just trying to do the best I can as a sinful and imperfect person.
Thank you for making all of these. You are assuring my inner child AND young adult there are descriptions behind how I was raised, and it seriously helps me asses and realize my current behaviors due to this.
I was emotionally geglected as a child but I'm starting to be so grateful for how I grew up. I was rarely judged negatively (or praised) if there was a problem there was a short fight but no resentment. I never walked around sensing resentment or fear. I did however know what upset my mother and knew how to avoid her when I prepared food so she wouldn't see the crumbs before I wiped them up etc anyway, I would consider myself a pretty emotionally intelligent mostly secure/anxious attachment style. I am so happy I'm not avoidant. I think the avoidants have more difficult work to do to find themselves. Anxious people have to find peace and compassion but although they have hard work to do, there's not as much hiding to uncover. It would be so scary knowing parts of you have been hiding under rocks you may never find.
When you start to uncover past traumas after year of repressing emotions, the only way I can describe what's under the rug is 'what the hell?!?'. I truly convinced myself that I was ok, so it was very unsettling
Applause 👏!!! I love this approach, it’s an outstanding insight. Please keep this going and keep up the outstanding dedication to this great work! Thank you for your videos! They are so helpful in so many different ways.
Thats called people pleasing/ fawning. Its a coping mechanism that we usually outgrow around 30-40 when we finally speak our truth to all those people who silenced our voice all those years.
Well, it’s a dilemma of “connection vs authenticity”, that is an issue of a lifetime. Sometimes being honest hurts peoples feelings, and if you love someone, you don’t want to see them hurt. (We all have a “mask”, or persona, that is different to our boss, parent, siblings, police, etc…just to get along. Why? Because we are not psychopaths).
also, growing up in an asian family, its looked down upon to voice out my thoughts /emotions. so i just got used to not voicing it out. it's hard to heal if the people around me doesn't want to listen. need more people around me, i hate my family.
I have recently learned that I have avoidant attachment. My parents were not emotionally connected to their main parent, my mom's mom was abusive and my dad's dad was abusive. So NEITHER knew how to emotionally attach with us. I was NEVER asked "how are you feeling, are you doing ok?" SO I learned to shut down any emotional needs and any expression of needs. To ask for nothing, need nothing. I just NOW as an Adult learned that the way to heal from this childhood trauma is to allow yourself to believe it's ok to need things and ok to think of your needs and ok to ask for help or support. Totally foreign thoughts to me. Sadly. I have only ever learned to depend on myself or God. But I know that it's kept me from being able to trust men or participate in a relationship in a healthy way. Anyway I guess it's good cause now I know the issue and can take action to begin healing. Better late than never
So true. Lost my first husband partly due to this. Second husband doesn't understand why I need to talk everything out. Probably gone over the top in the second marriage, but we're still together for over 25 years
I stuggle so much with setting boundaries and being rightfully angry at anyone. No matter if I did something wrong or it was someone else's fault for overstepping, I'll do what I learned at home: crawl back like a dog and showering them in nice words and gestures. Until my mom decided I'd "learned my lesson" I was practically invisible outside of things she had to help me with as a kid. Like a mighty android in the house that will bring back the "error" I made time and time again to push me away until I had proven myself guilty enough to deserve emotional warmth. I understand that she didn't do it on purpose, it was part of her own trauma growing up and nothing she intentionally did to hurt me. But it still did
I try to teach my kids that getting mad or upset or frustrated is OK. Everybody gets mad. Everybody gets in arguments. It’s ok to “fight” (not like physically lol) but I want them to know it’s ok to express their feelings. Like if my husband and I have a disagreement or get annoyed with each other, we don’t hide it from the kids. They see us argue but then they see that we still love each other and an argument doesn’t mean our relationship is in trouble. It means we can work through things and still be a healthy couple.
@fab3laundry, In a nutshell, it teaches them that toxic is normal. They imprint the behavior they see and when they meet, years later, a person who exhibits the same toxic behavior, it feels comfortable, warm, and familiar until all hell breaks loose. If you're in a toxic relationship, you can't conceal the effect it has on you, nor can you silence the negativity in the home. If you want to do the absolute best for your child/ren, remove yourself AND them from the situation. It's not worth it to stay. (speaking as a wife & mom of 3 who divorced after 20 yrs of marriage). It was the hardest thing I'd ever done. Looking back now, 24 yrs after, I wish I'd done it sooner. I see how the repercussions affected my two youngest adult children, both daughters. My eldest, a son, had a rough time during the divorce. I found a good family therapist (a man, because my son was 16) and it helped a lot. My youngest daughter was harmed the most - all due to emotional abuse and neglect by her dad. I did what I needed to do for my sake, but very much because the rotten behavior by my ex was very bad for our children to be around. It was hard, but being a single mom of 3 children was much easier once my ex moved out. He immediately moved in with someone and then out of state. The BS doesn't stop -- he recently told my youngest he "made a big mistake by leaving". ALL children of divorce, (even once they are adults) hope that magically everyone will reconcile and mom & dad will get back together. It's not gonna happen; my ex is an unrepentant alcoholic masquerading as a wise old man.....who just happens to still drink and abuse his current wife. His health is totally wrecked. Never in a million years would I go down that path again. I'm old too....but never drank...so my health is good & I'm free of any entanglements. At 71 I'm not interested in anyone but my adult kids and grandchildren. My dad had problems with alcohol; I think all WW2 veterans did. That, and my mom's constant nagging & complaining created a perfect dysfunctional storm. Do what you need, get Food Stamps, Government help, whatever.....but get you and the children out of that environment. They need you as much as possible now, and you deserve better. For your sake and for the adults they will be. ❤️❤️❤️ Good luck! 🐦🎶
Yep, that's me! So grateful to having realized this and being able to work on my emotional/psychological well-being, especially in terms of inter-personal relationships. Thank you Dr. Nicole for yet another eye-opener of a skit! ❤
This is the 3rd time one of your shorts popped up for me and every one of them hit the nail on the head for me. I’m lucky to have found an amazing partner/husband who has helped me so much in healing, forgiving, expressing myself and all that good stuff lol although there’s still a lot of work I need to do
I've seen people who have grown up in homes like this and because they are afraid of confrontation, they have unfortunately become victims of abuse. It's why I always try to make sure my partner is comfortable and I try to make the difficult conversations easier to have.
Harder still is to control your emotions as an adult. I won’t argue now, I’ll discuss. I stay outside of the house until I’ve shaken off the workday enough to come in the home and be positive. Forgive immediately but don’t forget. Set clear boundaries and always be fair. Things I wish would have been demonstrated to me when I was a kid
You're just like my husband. Love him so much but wish he'd give me the real real sometimes. Get mad about anything. Never angry. It's like anger doesn't exist.
Taking responsibility for our thoughts and feelings and not attempting to be responsible for others' thoughts and feelings is critical in dealing with life. These videos are absolutely genius.
Damn. That just about made me cry, because this is how I KNOW I'll be if I get in a relationship. For some reason, I'm always the one going with the flow, following along, then I'll get mad at myself and others for treating me like a strung-along puppy. Help!
Heal first. It's not a good idea to get into a relationship until you do or you'll continue the dysfunction in the new one. It's hard but it's necessary.
Therapy. The above advice is CRITIICAL. I bet people who want to take advantage of that are drawn to you like moths to a light bulb and compound your trauma. Then you might lose years or even decades and find yourself using self-destructive methods to cope. At that point, digging out feels so overwhelming..
We soooooooo so NEED TO HEAR THIS! We have the power to change the trajectory of our own and our children’s stories! I’m so tired of meeting people who should be on an island all alone because they are so damaged by people who were mistreated and never got or sought out help.
I had a mum who would just shut down and my abusive dad would yell. I felt like I had to stand up for mum because she wouldn't and my older brother wouldn't. It put all the pressure on me to do something. To be a hero. But I couldn't I was too afraid. I couldn't control my anxiety which led to me blaming myself.
My parents are the same as yours, but it never occurred to me that it was wrong. I just thought that's what relationships were supposed to be. It's only now that I'm in my 40s that I realize that's not healthy. My parents are still married, and I'm pretty low contact with them. I have no idea how to approach any type of meaningful conversation.
This one really hits home and it is how I have learned and am unlearning on how to deal with conflict in my life. Sadly there is still arguement in my family where it all started as a child but I am learning to finally forgive and learn to live with that person who I am having issues with.
Interesting. I’m, oddly inverted. I abandoned those who do that. They didn’t argue face to face, but would talk and vilify you to the other family members and claim they were the victims.
I hate that people having contrasting views on something can cause them to hate each other and ruin relationships with both family, friends, and romantic partners. Having the expectation that you aren’t going to argue with those around you means you are going to have to agree on every little thing, which usually means one person is going to feel burdened by sacrificing their entire existence to suit another’s. Arguing happens and knowing that will happen, being prepared to have a conversation with such said person, and being able to cooperate on a middle ground is the best thing you can do in a relationship with anyone.
This is my marriage!! I've been married for almost 30 years. My husband does this. Whenever I say something he thinks is wrong, get upset about how I'm treated, or argue, cry, get mad.. I will get the silent treatment for hours, sometimes days. I learned never to act mad, upset, or do or say anything about how he treats me. I hold it all in. This has caused me to get very sick over the years. I have no idea how to change it.
Honestly same. I feel like anything I want or need doesn’t matter in the end. There is self sacrifice and then there is self negligence. My husband is helping me learn to love myself and it’s okay to do nice things for myself and to communicate is healthy.
Mind blown 🤯 this is me! I’m 30 now and I’ve been with my husband since I was 20. I grew up in a house where there were either screaming matches or fists flying multiple times a day and as an adult I refuse to argue or stir up conflict in any way shape or form because I can’t stand fighting. There will be times where my husband does or says something so hurtful or mean that I won’t speak to him for days and will sleep in a completely different room. I feel like I’m walking on eggshells constantly because I don’t wanna disappoint anyone or cause an issue so I’ll never say I disagree with someone or tell them my thoughts of something if it doesn’t coincide with theirs. Instead I just completely shut down 🤯
Thank you so much for everything you do for us all. ❤️ Aries ♈️ We grow up thinking it's all normal because we didn't know better BUT deep inside the self, we really do know something is wrong. Hide it out of embarrassment, etc. Thinking NOBODY will know what we are talking about. I'm so grateful for you helping us all KNOW that these things are real, IT has a name and we CAN have HEALING. ❤ BLESS'ED BE EVERYONE.
Yeah… I kinda think I have this attachment style, but we never had the silent treatment in my family. We had tons of yelling and you tried handling emotions or conflict in a healthy way, you could expect to be shamed, mocked, or ignored. 😅
Yeah, same, except the yelling came from my mum and I was never allowed to talk back, so I had to stay quiet. I remember walking on egg shells my entire time living at home. Then I ended up in an abusive relationship and only just realised why I ended up like this. Shit really
Talking,not yelling or fighting, can work things out. The silent treatment and violent arguing and fighting will bring kids up with serious issues. My "nmom" yelled about everything, my dad just was quiet and walked away to cool down then talk it out. Man I'm still screwed up!
it all makes sense now omg... My mother is lovely but we never speak about issues and just ignore things that go wrong. I was in the ER at 15 years old for trying to commit, we woke up the day after I got back and never brought it up again. My school organised counselling and such for me themselves. I put up with a lot of shit from people and friends because I'm scared of being abandoned or of others having a negative opinion of me. She is a wonderful mother though and did her best for me and my siblings, I am truly grateful to her :)
This is described my house. Until last year i had enough and explode. We still give each other silent treatment, sometimes i don't even know what i do wrong. Sometimes i felt like they just regreting their decision to having me. Make me felt unworthy, neglected, and lonely. But however i need to face it right, i dont have to said anything, so we could be together
Woah, woah, woah... I'm feeling very personally called out right now! Thanks for posting! Glad I'm not the only one! So glad I've learned and grown since those days.
My dad is extremely passive aggressive. Oh he yelled and fought with my mother, but she is a devout Christian and never yelled back at him. Even though SHE was my rock and I looked up to her.. by her never standing up for herself, I too became others doormats for a long time. I still people please even now. But it was my father who did the real damage. I was his scapegoat. Still am. I can not regulate my emotions and I have anger issues. But I’m doing my very best to gentle parent my child. I’m not perfect but I’m trying every day to grow and be better for my daughter and myself.
My dad was the silent treatment type. He would ignore me for weeks or even months without a word. I would go about my business and he would turn his head away from me whenever i entered the room. Wouldnt speak to me or look at me for weeks. Didnt make sure i ate or bathed or went to school. Its like i didnt exist.
Yeah, i kinda had the same relationship with my dad growing up. Didnt see him much at all. Dont have that many memories even though i lived with him for 18 years. 😂
Children from abusive and turbulent homes can also leArn this. This was me for the first 10 years of my marriage. If you don’t argue or fight you’re fine… not the truth. It created a lot of resentment towards my partner.
This was my household as a child. I would try to talk with my mother when things felt off and she would just shut me down to the point I eventually cried every time she would go silent. As an adult, I notice I shut down at first but then will revisit the issue with that person without the extra initial emotions. Is this still an avoidant attachment trait a rational way to resolve issues?
For me, I communicate to the person by saying look I’m really upset and I don’t want to get in a heated argument. Can you give me an hour to calm down and we’ll revisit it later? I want to hear what you have to say. It’s worked well for me so far!:)
@@advisorywarning Now that is healthy communication. You're clearly communicating your need for space, you've provided when you'll return, and you've given reassurance.
I would say it's almost always a bad idea to try and solve something when you're in that initial high state of emotions. Sounds pretty healthy to me. I do not understand why some online content pushes the idea that there is only one way to solve conflicts in a healthy way (immediately, directly, with completely open and blunt communication). Nah, different styles and strategies should be acceptable. The only thing you should be aiming for is mutual understanding and a solution that satisfies both parties. I for one have a hard rule of no yelling. Don't care if people think that's some kind of trigger I need to get over in order to "heal". Nah, people are perfectly capable of not raising their voice during a disagreement. If you feel like you have to yell, then some fundamental aspect of respect is missing from the conversation. Yelling is aggressive. There is no need for aggression with people who are supposed to be in a caring relationship with you.
I find that there can also be an opposite effect to any of these. Dad was a drunk- I never drank, even at 36. Mom cried over everything- my sadness converts to rage and I can’t cry. Dad walked all over mom-sis and I refuse to take any misbehavior from men. I was abused-I’m hyper carful with my children. I was exposed to dangerous situations-I shelter my children. Mom didn’t get on the floor and play-everything is about good times, toys, fun, and loving Jesus.
Very important point though. This doesn't mean that yelling is going to make a healthier situation. We can embrace conflict without needing to shout or add harsh tone to make your point "win". This is so ridiculously hard to accomplish, especially when our bucket is already drained.
This can also happen in families where you witness a lot of arguing and chaos and your nervous system is constantly vigilant expecting the next outburst/ unpredictable behavior so you grow up placating everyone in an attempt to avoid conflict.
*Edit*In my home there was a combination of both. Big blowout arguments, then silence while we all go to separate places. Stomping around and slamming doors but not speaking. The next day we act like nothing happened...I would consider myself anxious-avoidant (I think also called disorganized or fearful avoidant) because I experience characteristics of both. Either shutting down and ignoring my needs, or exploding and feeling like I have to fight for my voice to be heard. Of course it's more complicated than a short clip can explain but I definitely exhibit the behaviors she described in my relationships. Getting better though. Healing is possible❤️
yep! especially if the big blowout arguments never resolve, and you just act like they never happened
@@LexinePishue This is exactly what I experienced growing up. The elephant in the room was expected to be ignored. No repair talk, just pretend like nothing ever happened. I see you ❤️
Yup, that’s me!
Same shit different Christmas
Living in this environment is horrible. Specially if you have a parent or family member with a disorder like schizotypal, anger issues, bipolar, that refuses to get treatment
I can remember this as a kid. My mum would do it especially. If she got angry, or annoyed, she got quiet. I HATED when mum got quiet. One word answers, if at all, no eye contact, just complete shutdown of communication. Sometimes minutes, sometimes hours.
But you know why I love her to this day? She developed out of it! She doesn't do that anymore, or if she does it doesn't last ANYWHERE near as long, and it's always followed up by hugs and apologies.
She recognised what she was doing to her kids, and her relationship, and began improving. It was slow, but it meant the world to me, and it was a great example that no matter how awful I have been, I can always change. I can always make things right.
I can remember times as a teenager, washing dishes and cleaning to try and appease my angry, silent mother. And then she just came up behind me, hugged me really tight and said she was sorry for stressing me out, and thanked me for trying to help her the only way I knew how. I know she likes a clean house, so I cleaned to try and make her happy.
That's the difference between a good parent and a bad one. Good parents may still do bad things, and can make a BOATLOAD of mistakes. But they will always recognise that it was a bad thing, and try to fix it. They will try to grow and mature, even if they're a middle aged adult!
My mum did her best. She made a lot of mistakes and bad choices, just like this kind of thing from the video. But she didn't stay that way, and she did her best to try and help me feel loved, appreciated and emotionally validated. It was late, to be sure, but I love her to bits for trying and doing her best to help me through the aftermath of growing up with her doing that! She encouraged me to go to therapy, and whenever I feel stressed or anything she is open to hear it and accepts it, even if she is part of the problem. I'm an adult now, but I still go to her to complain, vent and seek advice, because she's the best person I know for advice about changing.
My mum isn't perfect. But she tries a lot harder than many parents, and I am so lucky.
Good for you! 😊
That is so sweet.
Thank you for this comment.
Many times we just blame or parents and our past and we forget that they didn't had the knowledge or resources to handle emotions like we do today.
Let's all take responsibility and be better and love our parents because they tried their best.
omg Im crying 🤍 this is the best
This is amazing! So much encouragement. ❤❤❤ Thank you so much for taking the time to share it!
It’s a relief hearing this. It’s such a lonely experience, and it’s difficult to imagine that anyone else could relate.
Totally
I can't relate as someone who is more the anxious side. JUST TALK! They won't yell at you, if they do, leave. Avoidants always leave good people due to not opening up anyways. Open up or hate your life, like cmon, it's not easy I've broken down crying and thrown up (real bad trauma). That one girl still lost interest and probably was just bottling up. Do not damage good people by trying not to damage people.
@@shortfusedynamite5166 " jUsT tAlK". And you just stop being clingy 🙄
@@shortfusedynamite5166😊
@@SA-ey6nta healthy amount of “clinginess” is essential for any healthy relationship, whereas the lack of “tAlK” is detrimental to any relationship… please stay alone if you really hate “clinginess” and “talking” that much, don’t bother other people and don’t get bothered by other people and die peacefully and gracefully alone.
"Oh, my childhood was fine! Very boring. No yelling or abuse or nothing like that." I've been saying this for over 30 years and this short just hit me like a ton of bricks.
This was 80% of my childhood… But behind that silence is actually, I discovered later, a lot of suppressed aggression 😅
@@tessarae9127 YES! im so lowkey angry all the time
@@tessarae9127dang you’re right, when my parents argue i noticed they just shut down in the middle of it 😔
The realization moment can feel very much like a snowball in the face.😟
I went to a counselor at 20 and said this and he told me “that’s not healthy” I was shocked 😮
This one hit me like a truck. My home was either uncomfortable silence or overwhelming chaos and neither felt good
Yup, mine too. Horrible. Thankfully, I was good at school, so school was an escape from the tension. You know where you stand in school.
I didn’t know it was mine until I watched this. And I am exactly like she just described. I always knew the silent treatment was not good but I didn’t know why
Yeah same here. We always had to tiptoe around mom. Literally so tired of her
Me too.
Same. If it isn't a big blow-out shouting argument it's just silence
It's just as painful to be ignored as it is to be screamed at
it's really not.
Don’t forget the part about feeling incredibly guilted when you finally decide to set boundaries with your partner and not go along with absolutely everything because your just “disappointing people”
omfg this.
Yep.
Yes & no..? For me, I can have boundaries & express them with my hubby…he knows exactly how sensitive I am to certain ways of phrasing things, tones of voice (tired = grouchy in my mind & I always take it personally…I have to be distanced from the immediate moment with the tired tone to realize it’s not me & it’s not personal, etc…JUST. TIRED.), lighting, sounds, textures, etc…and I kid you not, he’s perfect for me…imperfect, yes…and he’s not “perfect” like “my every weakness is met by his strength” or something (that’s a romantic notion. Sometimes we’re both just weak, and that’s okay.), but like…he really respects those boundaries, and whenever they’re crossed, he acknowledges it, owns it, and apologizes for it…and that’s something I’m just hungry for - not for my boundaries to never ever be crossed, but for how the whole thing is handled afterwards…I grew up with the mentality that I either couldn’t really have my own boundaries, or the lack of respect for them was somehow on me. And him showing me differently? That’s treasured. The problem isn’t setting boundaries with my hubby, but with my mom…I can’t express any pain she caused without it being my fault or something, I used to not really have my own time (I lived at home until I got married, and my hubby has had my back since day 1, whether I’m in the right or the wrong…it’s just that he manages to tell me I’m wrong about something without me falling apart…😂🥹🥰), I wasn’t really allowed to feel off & not do chores or something unless I was physically sick enough to not do them (which, hey!! Mental health is a real thing too!! It’s just that if you read “don’t leave your depressed loved one alone”, you suddenly get to never leave them alone…😂🙈), etc…mind you, a lot of these memories are a bit older…but it doesn’t matter how many times I forgive & forget, the next time anything similar happens, it reminds me of “that one (hundredth) time when…” & it just sucks…to this day, I don’t think I have boundaries with her…and it’s draining. If she asks me to help with the kitchen, I work myself to the bone doing as much as I can with as much anxiety as I have, burn out doing it, feel guilty as heck for not completing it to the nth degree/asking for help/thinking of my own messy-as-heck kitchen that I’ve been avoiding because it’s so overwhelming (no matter if it’s almost clean or terribly dirty, no less), and panic all over again because of how much left there is to do…in both kitchens…all that to say, communication is tough with my hubby, but almost impossible with my mom…and I just don’t want a repeat of that in my home. I want my kids to feel like they can tell me what I’m doing wrong & improve my parenting with them. I’d rather a little humiliation at getting something wrong (because I go all the way or no way - there’s no such thing as minor embarrassment for me…😂🤦♀️🤪) than a long lasting wound growing up. ❤
And when youre first learning boundaries and are terrible at them, so theyre either wayyy too harsh or lenient (oftentimes dependent on how secure you feel with the person), and in the end you wonder how your loved ones put up with you, if they did
@Joyfillied wow, thats a lot to unpack.. i hope youre still working on yourself for your hubby. He sounds like hes doing great though, youre so blessed to have someone like him. Hopefully you can figure it out with your mom, too. It's very important for yourself to forgive others, and if you'd like to forget afterwards, first reflect and learn the lesson from the situation, remember those important details of the lessons you learned from your pain, but forget the ones that are painful when possible. When boundaries are crossed or youre hurt again by the choice of another individual who previously made the same mistake but apologized, then it actually is up to you to do something, otherwise its very easy to be taken advantage of, unnecessarily. So, if someone doesnt respect you enough, it's up to you to do something that doesnt control them, but controls the situation. For example, if someone kept repeating the same mistakes, it's worth weighing whether or not youd like to continue the relationship or if youd like to take a step back from it (engage with the other person less). If you dont do that, then its very easy for the other person to keep hurting you because you provided no consequences. I hope you do provide related consequences for boundaries purposefully being crossed because you deserve that❤ God bless❤
Ps. I think you would probably really benefit from asking your hubby questions when you feel insecure (for example: ask, "Are you mad at me?" Or "Are you just tired?") I think it would be really sweet because youd be improving your communication for him which shows you care, but it would also probably help you feel better in certain situations❤
Half of my family did this the other half yelled and threw things across the room. Over the last 20 years I have been working on letting my children know they can tell me anything and that I will support them in any way they need me to. I may not always agree with their decisions but I will always love them no matter what. I try to be the calm bay in the wild sea of life. I hope when they are all grown they see me in this way.
This is why I apologize for everything and always think people are mad at me, talking about me negativly, or dont like me.. I also always feel like im in trouble
whoa i have this SAME exact experience and was just telling a friend about it last night. except my mom screamed a lot and was verbally abusive
crazy how different situations can produce similar outcomes
I know that feeling SO well! I'm 42 and STILL suffer with this! 😢
41 here and it never really goes away
@@oli19827 40 here. I'm the original comment. I know 🫠
@@heylookits Not fun is it ?
When I was young, I envied “quiet homes” because I came from a large black family and we get loud and we yell and we communicate in a way that is not very quiet so as a kid, I just always thought like it was better to come from a home where there was no yelling, and there was no raising your voice or anything like that as I’ve gotten older I realize that there are issues with both kind of upbringings because trust me I got my problems, but I had no idea. This is how the avoidant is formed.
Sorry if I’m intruding but how did that affect you? No need to answer if you don’t want to
Basketball people behavior
Yeah. I want to hear your perspective too
Because this is how I was raised, I always thought it was a positive thing, I thought we all had the ability to move on, when in reality we were repressing our feelings and needs.
My first relationship with a full-blown diagnosed borderline was such an event. I’ve done a lot of work in recovery for the past eight or nine years, and had a really healthy relationship for three years prior to her. We literally never had a fight in the whole time, there were probably two times when I was really triggered and kind of tried to start one but my partner was just phenomenally, healthy, and in love and committed to communication. We worked through some really profound stuff in both of our lives and childhood. When I met my ex BPD, going over past relationships as many of us do when preparing to commit, long-term to someone, good to assess and know what we’re getting into! She hooked me in with empathy from all the stories of abuse and abandonment she had, which were actually, 180° reversals from reality like everything else in her life that I found out much later and were all situations that she caused, created or forced with her horrorshow behavior. When I was telling her about my last relationship that we didn’t have a single fight in three years, she said “how boring!“ I couldn’t tell if she was kidding or what… It should’ve been an orange or red flag I realize now, because she really wasn’t kidding. She had been, however, posing as a professional in the healing professions, as well as somebody on the spiritual path. You know where we take responsibility for ourselves in our lives, and try to create peace and more love in the world? Yeah, basically the diametric opposite of toxic people and the cluster B Spectrum.
Oh man....I just realized something about myself this comment.
I think depending on thw situation it still can be a good thing. Like a super power. Cuz for me at least, whenever something bad is happening, in the moment I am completely fine amd callm and collected and get through ot without freaking out or getting emotional or anything.
I MIGHT melt down after wards when things calmed down and the situation is safe again. But, I don't always. I'm like an emotional brick when bad things happen and I can handle situations.
But I know there's a downside to this. But think the pros outweigh the cons.
Car crashed? 😕
Family member sick in the hospital? 😕
Person jumped out the car while I'm driving? 😕
Mother tried to self delete? 😕
Sister ran away to a different state to start a new life? 😕
SA? 😕
Drunk friend trying to self delete? 😕
You get the point. I just keel a level head. But maybe it's from this?
@@sillianjloth254you're lying to yourself 😢
@@sillianjloth254sounds like you’re dissociating from life bc negative emotions would be too overwhelming. You override your body’s natural ability to process emotions by stamping them down and rationalizing. It’s normal, common, and what you’ve had to do to survive and keep yourself emotionally safe (unconsciously). It’s probably affecting your relationships though and other areas in your life where other uncomfortable emotions may pop up. Life is about balance - not overly emotional and not so stoic that you don’t feel anything - we should aim for healthy “wise mind” (what DBT calls it). Do you ever feel like you’re on the outside looking in?
@@sillianjloth254I'm mostly of the same mindset. Though I'm curious why people are jumping out of your car while you're driving?! What is going on there? 😂
Wow you just captured my entire childhood. I wish I saw this before it took me 35 years to figure out why I was so messed up with my family. I'm 37 now and life is much better once you understand the reasons your so fuxked up and can move past it and become the person I actually am. Your words are amazing at showing how damaging a household like this can be. My parents don't understand why my kids are allowed to cry and yell and have opinions. To us it's not an option or an allowance they are human so they get to be and act like humans.
Congratulations on letting your kids be actual humans, with ranges of emotion and experience and expression. Figuring out that that's important is impressive considering your own history. Obviously it's not gonna be perfect and our kids are also going to need therapy 😂 but not like us. Cheers.
Thank you for letting your kids be kids!!!!! ❤
❤❤❤
Trauma ruins lives, not everyone heals.
Extremely True. 👌🏽🤷🏾♀️
Everyone CAN heal though 👀
@@user-mj6qr2ky9dthat’s not true, we need to be realistic and clear about trauma, not idealistic
Not everyone knows how to deal with their trauma either.
Ppl who say everyone can heal never dealt with cptsd. Say that to traumatized veterans! You have no idea how broken their mind is and seeing and doing horrific things played out on repeat in your mind! Thats like breaking someones legs and telling them walk it off.
My other analogy is when you break a mirror it will never be the same. You got your big pieces you can put together but then you have smaller pieces that dont fit right no matter what you do while other pieces are completely shattered. You can try and fill those holes yet things wont ever be the same! Not by a long shot!
I had that same issue when I was dating my husband and in the first 6 + years of marriage. It was BECAUSE my parents fought about everything and were constantly arguing. They made me feel like my opinions and thoughts didn’t matter because I’d get blown up at all the time. I worried that my marriage would be the same way, so I didn’t express how I felt until my husband had to pry it out of me! I’m finally learning how to be open with my feelings after 10 years… 😂 My husband is the best thing that ever happened to me! 😊
This is why i have pretty much constant conversations with my daughter about speaking up, and knowing that she is allowed to take up space and so are her feelings
I hate how accurate this is it's like we lived the same childhood 😢. I struggle so much with even accepting that my problems are really worth bringing up, even then I back down so easily. Having relationships and connections is a huge struggle too. Ugh.
I can relate. This, too, shall pass. 💚🙏🏽
This whole comment is me too
This is me. I moved out and had no clue how to resolve conflict as an adult, had no clue THAT I had no clue. I thought it was normal. I've learned healthy conflict resolution over the years but it still gives me a lot of anxiety.
I was raised in a toxic home, however, i found Christ and He is my firm foundation. As for me and my house, we will serve the Lord🙏👑
Amen. I grew up in toxic environment too that ruins my self worth. God restored it and keep restoring it. God bless you and fam!
This is how I developed as a teen and adult. My dysfunctional upbringing and inability to connect in relationships. Working on mitigating bpd.
*hugs* totally relate. it's super rough. glad you've been able to identify it and working on it. that's more than most can say for themselves
Same
This is the tough work. Sometimes it's not pretty. But I'm pretty sure it's the only way.
Same
The penguin didn't want to hear this.
Your videos have helped me be more self aware of how I teach my 2 year old to regulate his emotions. I grew up in a disfunctional family and I wasnt taught how to regulate my emotions or any healthy coping skills. I try my best to be emotionally present with him, even though I am still healing from my own traumas and tend to dissociate. It's been hard maintaining calm and regulated during the tantrums, but I remind myself the way I speak to him now is how he will talk to himself as he's older. It's exhausting especially as a single mother, but I'm hopeful that in the process of this we are ending generational cycles of abuse.
You are amazing
yeah you're awesome may god be by your side
Great job mama🎉🎉🎉
I love these. Format is incredible both prospectively in raising my own children but also retrospectively in making sense of the disordered family systems I experienced as a child.
Thank you for your work.
Ex wife opened up about severe childhood trauma 2 days after she asked for a divorce. She accused me of not loving her and not being supportive and that I forced myself to love her. Nothing she was saying was making sense. Everything came out of left field. Then she finally opened up about her trauma. I held her told her I loved her was proud of her for opening up. And she still pushed me away. Sometimes you try and try but they still push you away. The emotional imbalance they possess is nothing that we can do to change it. The survivor needs so much support from loved ones, if not they will close off and begin to spiral. Mental health is sad. We just need more people to have the emotional intelligence and capacity to stay near these people who are hurt more then words can explain. God bless all
My Dad goes through this with my Mom (she had a VERY bad childhood), so I see where you're coming from from a third party and I just want to say, in case no one else has, that people like you are very appreciated. Massive thank you. Hoping you are well.
Thank you for saying this
We push away because we are too consumed by our trauma and we can’t possibly see how anyone would want us.
This is me currently. I’m struggling to understand why my emotionally avoidant husband would want me when he doesn’t express love to me in a manner I apparently need. So I automatically assume he’s lying to me and I panic.
It’s horrible. And we may not make it.
Thank you so much for not giving up on her. I'm sorry your marriage did not work out. Trauma can be so consuming, and trying to function while you're in it is like walking around in complete darkness. You have a big heart, and I'm so sorry things didn't work for you two. Thank you so much for sharing your comment. It made me cry. I'm thinking of myself and my bf in yalls shoes. I just want to grow and heal and do better. God bless you ❤️
Thank you for your comment. God bless you! 🍀
This was my family growing up. My mom was completely depressed to the point of being non-functional, and no one talked about it. My sister and I were being neglected and falling apart at school. My parents pretended we were fine. At 14, I threatened to unalive myself, and my dad hit me so hard I don't remember it. It was never spoken about for 30+ years until my dad casually mentioned how big of a brat I was at 14 that he had to smack some sense into me. My dad is likely an avoidment attachment, my mom was definitely anxious attachment, people pleaser who expected us kids to fawn over her the way she would fawn over her verbally abusive mother. Guess what- we're avoidant attachment and she would say things like she didn't think we loved her, etc because there really was no relationship between us. Just silence. It was awful.
Most people don't know what they're doing to one another.
I think a lot of people actually do know to some extent. Maybe not in exact detail or in a way that helps them understand how it affects others, but I have never met a person that doesn’t know their own toxic traits. Talk to them for a while and they will tell you in their own words. “I don’t know what my problem is but I can never (fill in the blank)”… or any other phrasing where they notice they are different or insufficient or heavily pointing fingers at others when it’s their own insecurity they are hating on. They know. Trust me.
some people know but still aren't emotionally equipped to heal themselves
@@chelseabunker2391I disagree. Read Robert Greene, Laws of Human Nature. Read any book or watch more videos on human behavior. You won't be wrong, you'll just have more knowledge, understanding and better tools.
Yeah hence these videos
@@chelseabunker2391actually, they have a clue that something is wrong but they can't pinpoint what because they lack the introspection, because they feel so bad about themselves that they can't look inside them and look what's wrong and even if they do, there's so much wrong, they get scared and prefer not to look
This is true. Took many years to figure this out. I grew up with parents who rarely fought, they would just shun each other for weeks. They were good people and good parents to me, just bad with each other. It was just how they were raised and they weren't even conscious that they shut down like that. Then I married and my first husband was awful but I would just put up with so much because I didn't think I was worth it and I didn't want to be the bad guy.
But then I did the deep work, got comfortable being "the bitch", which meant having boundaries and expressing needs. Eventually got out of that relationship and everything got better. I didn't go to therapy but it likely would have got me here faster. We don't have to be victims to our own impulses forever. It is possible to heal.
Omg. This is me. I worked really hard in my 20s to get out of this but when my mom moved in with me cause she was sick it triggered so much dysfunction and disregulation 😢😢😢😢.
I had such a “good” upbringing that I didn’t know what was wrong with me now I see. We had the silent war in my home as a child
Yes the underlying 'vibes' and micro / nonverbal communication.
wow, silent war hits hard
@@fennysaper6837My parents were at it, albeit silently, for 36 years before divorcing. That was shocker !!
If parents were/are abusive, we owe them nothing.
@@rupertperiwinkle4477they probably learnt it from their parents.
My issues with my dad gave me anxious attachment stuff, my issues with my mom gave me avoidant stuff. Now I'm struggling my way through trying to communicate with my partner and doing my best to grow and change. Thank you for helping me identify what's going on in my head.
You vids are soooo good. I get triggered and start crying, but know that it's my wounded child crying. I assure her that I have her back now.
I also got teary.
Me too
Holy crap, this is similar to how I grew up. Only there would be random bersts of anger from my parent, and then pretending nothing happened, and it was always me being the problem. No emotional self-control or responsibility. I ended up apologizing for everything, self blame, or hyper-vigilant for contention and just letting the other person say, think, do whatever and losing any issue brought up to keep the peace.
Or a mum whose temper goes from 0 to 100 like a flick of a switch and starts screaming for the smallest things, so you become hypervigilant. Or when your parents talk over you when you want to tell them something exciting, making you feel like your needs are unimportant.
the 0 to 100 thing is what did this for me. like throwing out the soap bottle got my ass clapped idk
That's why it's dangerous now for me and mine bc this hypervigalence has now caused bodily reactions reflexes I have no control over I'm immediately ready for smoke that's why I be too myself bc not too much on me im avoidant to protect them and myself at this point cuz I'm tired of the shit
@@RobbieNewell I get that
This comment reminds me of my sister and how she is with her kids. Makes me really worried for how they be later on...
The lightning fast 0 to 100 temper, plus the silent treatment thing creates the worst anxiety and hypervigilance possible, which is what I have to deal with to this day with my mom, fun times.
Wow, I’m learning more on here than I have before! This is reading me like a book and validating my experiences HARD! Wow…I used to get the silent treatment/ignored as punishment as a kid growing up & as an adult, when people aren’t talking to me, I feel like they’re mad at me & like I did something wrong. I had a coworker who some days wasn’t very talkative (she can be like that in general) & for days, I felt so guilty for nothing, as if I did something wrong. Turns out, she wasn’t even mad at me and she was surprised when I asked her if she was. Thanks for a vid like this. I often feel very alone in my experiences, but this makes me feel less alone & validated. ❤
My home was often like this. My parents would just act like any issues or tension would resolve themselves magically 🎩🔮✨
Yup, same. My whole family's like this too. I'm in the process of healing tho, despite being in their company still. We'll see how that goes 😂
Yup. Until it built up so much then the dam would explode. Silent treatment, passive aggressive then someone trips on the wire and BOOM.
Thank you for making this. Comedy helped break down decades of pain for me. keep it up. Brilliantly done.
I’m avoidant, fearfully to be exact. My husband has a secure attachment, when I stonewalled to prevent fights, he told me that wasn’t healthy and it shattered my upbringing. I always felt unheard and uncared for as kid, but I thought that was the natural order of a parent-child relationship. We have a daughter now and I’m working hard to stop those FA coping habits because I don’t want her to feel the burden I felt growing up.
This is so, so accurate. Decades later, my parents are gone and my relationships with my siblings are awful. Almost no good memories.
This is my husband's family. They pretend problems don't exist.
Yep. Under the rug it goes and then when you do deal with it you are the master jerk!
Hope he's healing
This is my family lol. My parents can literally feel tension and just keep everything light and pretend like everything is fine. They will not, I repeat, will not ever bring anything up. Or ever say sorry.
My ex-husband's family. When I realised why I was so miserable it's because I was going along with everything that was "expected" of me. I was basically a nothing person.
Saaaaame. Mine are a combo of loud and silent (drunk) dysfunction but his is just fine a things are fine all the time dysfunction.
I would get hot and cold treatment from my mother along with Gaslighting which made self doubt around my own identity and decision making process and whether i am worthy of it but thankfully i got this concept i am trying everyday to recovee from it into a secure individual to form healthier relationship and avoid abusive relationships in future
One way to avoid being labeled "hysterical" or crazy
Exactly :(
Idgaf I m getting ish of my chest so nobody can be in the dark about my thoughts and feelings. I’m not carrying around all these rocks and can’t offload 😅
Whenever I asserted a point of view as a teen, stood up for myself in the strict helicopter home I was in, I'd get slapped with the "crazy" label. My parents have gotten better thru the years. I'm 31 and moved out now. I am trying to learn to share emotions with others. But damn it's hard. Not knowing how that emotion will be received.
Stop caring what others label you. That's a more healthy attitude.
Whew * cries in”too sensitive *
I grew up in a really great home with wonderful parents, but it wasnt perfect of course. I've always been the type to shut down when I'm upset and close myself in my room and my parents would give me my space... But in that time I would start thinking negative things about myself, my family, the world, etc. After I calmed down, I'd be good and like it never happened, but telling yourself the same lies over and over definitely makes an impact. So now with my own kids, no matter if I'm upset with them, they're upset with me, they've gotten in trouble, or are just having a hard time and need a moment I always tell them I will leave them be until they want to talk, but I won't leave them alone. I'm here if they want someone to hug them and understand that hugging me doesn't mean they aren't still mad/upset or that I'm not... Just that no matter what is going on, I AM HERE and they are NOT alone or unloved or unwanted or unseen. It doesn't erase the situation, but I don't want to leave them alone with their thoughts. Of course there are times when one needs to be completely alone. Not sure if this is right or wrong, just trying to do the best I can as a sinful and imperfect person.
Great synopsis. Your skits are genius for creating the “ah ha” realization of how it works and applies.
The way you are so dead on accurate is impressive and painfully refreshing
The mom's facial expressions are spot on. How are they so accurate 😂
Thank you for making all of these. You are assuring my inner child AND young adult there are descriptions behind how I was raised, and it seriously helps me asses and realize my current behaviors due to this.
This is my entire childhood. Thanks for discribing what I have gone through.
My whole family are like this. Much better than loud arguing or agression. I appreciate the peace and quiet
I was emotionally geglected as a child but I'm starting to be so grateful for how I grew up. I was rarely judged negatively (or praised) if there was a problem there was a short fight but no resentment. I never walked around sensing resentment or fear. I did however know what upset my mother and knew how to avoid her when I prepared food so she wouldn't see the crumbs before I wiped them up etc anyway, I would consider myself a pretty emotionally intelligent mostly secure/anxious attachment style. I am so happy I'm not avoidant. I think the avoidants have more difficult work to do to find themselves. Anxious people have to find peace and compassion but although they have hard work to do, there's not as much hiding to uncover. It would be so scary knowing parts of you have been hiding under rocks you may never find.
When you start to uncover past traumas after year of repressing emotions, the only way I can describe what's under the rug is 'what the hell?!?'. I truly convinced myself that I was ok, so it was very unsettling
Applause 👏!!! I love this approach, it’s an outstanding insight. Please keep this going and keep up the outstanding dedication to this great work! Thank you for your videos! They are so helpful in so many different ways.
Thats called people pleasing/ fawning. Its a coping mechanism that we usually outgrow around 30-40 when we finally speak our truth to all those people who silenced our voice all those years.
Well, it’s a dilemma of “connection vs authenticity”, that is an issue of a lifetime. Sometimes being honest hurts peoples feelings, and if you love someone, you don’t want to see them hurt. (We all have a “mask”, or persona, that is different to our boss, parent, siblings, police, etc…just to get along. Why? Because we are not psychopaths).
"our truth"
at 24, currently seeing the results of this upbringing, i shut people out when there's conflict
still working on fixing it.
also, growing up in an asian family, its looked down upon to voice out my thoughts /emotions.
so i just got used to not voicing it out. it's hard to heal if the people around me doesn't want to listen.
need more people around me, i hate my family.
Do we usually outgrow it at that point?
I have recently learned that I have avoidant attachment. My parents were not emotionally connected to their main parent, my mom's mom was abusive and my dad's dad was abusive. So NEITHER knew how to emotionally attach with us. I was NEVER asked "how are you feeling, are you doing ok?" SO I learned to shut down any emotional needs and any expression of needs. To ask for nothing, need nothing. I just NOW as an Adult learned that the way to heal from this childhood trauma is to allow yourself to believe it's ok to need things and ok to think of your needs and ok to ask for help or support. Totally foreign thoughts to me. Sadly. I have only ever learned to depend on myself or God. But I know that it's kept me from being able to trust men or participate in a relationship in a healthy way. Anyway I guess it's good cause now I know the issue and can take action to begin healing. Better late than never
My narc husband made me feel like this and I lost my integrity and self esteem. I put myself in survival mode and holding back the flood gates
The issue with me is that most times people make things a big issue when it's not even worth putting any thought into.
So true. Lost my first husband partly due to this. Second husband doesn't understand why I need to talk everything out. Probably gone over the top in the second marriage, but we're still together for over 25 years
I stuggle so much with setting boundaries and being rightfully angry at anyone. No matter if I did something wrong or it was someone else's fault for overstepping, I'll do what I learned at home: crawl back like a dog and showering them in nice words and gestures. Until my mom decided I'd "learned my lesson" I was practically invisible outside of things she had to help me with as a kid. Like a mighty android in the house that will bring back the "error" I made time and time again to push me away until I had proven myself guilty enough to deserve emotional warmth.
I understand that she didn't do it on purpose, it was part of her own trauma growing up and nothing she intentionally did to hurt me. But it still did
I try to teach my kids that getting mad or upset or frustrated is OK. Everybody gets mad. Everybody gets in arguments. It’s ok to “fight” (not like physically lol) but I want them to know it’s ok to express their feelings. Like if my husband and I have a disagreement or get annoyed with each other, we don’t hide it from the kids. They see us argue but then they see that we still love each other and an argument doesn’t mean our relationship is in trouble. It means we can work through things and still be a healthy couple.
This is the exact atmosphere I grew up in. I never learned how to face conflict and resolve it
Can you do a series on what staying in a toxic relationship teaches your children
@theholisticpsychologist
@fab3laundry,
In a nutshell, it teaches them that toxic is normal.
They imprint the behavior they see and when they meet, years later, a person who exhibits the same toxic behavior, it feels comfortable, warm, and familiar until all hell breaks loose.
If you're in a toxic relationship, you can't conceal the effect it has on you, nor can you silence the negativity in the home.
If you want to do the absolute best for your child/ren, remove yourself AND them from the situation.
It's not worth it to stay.
(speaking as a wife & mom of 3 who divorced after 20 yrs of marriage).
It was the hardest thing I'd ever done.
Looking back now, 24 yrs after, I wish I'd done it sooner.
I see how the repercussions affected my two youngest adult children, both daughters. My eldest, a son, had a rough time during the divorce.
I found a good family therapist (a man, because my son was 16) and it helped a lot.
My youngest daughter was harmed the most - all due to emotional abuse and neglect by her dad.
I did what I needed to do for my sake, but very much because the rotten behavior by my ex was very bad for our children to be around.
It was hard, but being a single mom of 3 children was much easier once my ex moved out.
He immediately moved in with someone and then out of state.
The BS doesn't stop -- he recently told my youngest he "made a big mistake by leaving". ALL children of divorce, (even once they are adults) hope that magically everyone will reconcile and mom & dad will get back together.
It's not gonna happen; my ex is an unrepentant alcoholic masquerading as a wise old man.....who just happens to still drink and abuse his current wife.
His health is totally wrecked.
Never in a million years would I go down that path again. I'm old too....but never drank...so my health is good & I'm free of any entanglements.
At 71 I'm not interested in anyone but my adult kids and grandchildren.
My dad had problems with alcohol; I think all WW2 veterans did. That, and my mom's constant nagging & complaining created a perfect dysfunctional storm.
Do what you need, get Food Stamps, Government help, whatever.....but get you and the children out of that environment. They need you as much as possible now, and you deserve better. For your sake and for the adults they will be. ❤️❤️❤️
Good luck! 🐦🎶
Brilliant! Your videos are so helpful in recognizing how things worked and HOW it manifests in survival behavior!!!!!! Cheers ❤
Yep, that's me! So grateful to having realized this and being able to work on my emotional/psychological well-being, especially in terms of inter-personal relationships.
Thank you Dr. Nicole for yet another eye-opener of a skit! ❤
This is the 3rd time one of your shorts popped up for me and every one of them hit the nail on the head for me. I’m lucky to have found an amazing partner/husband who has helped me so much in healing, forgiving, expressing myself and all that good stuff lol although there’s still a lot of work I need to do
I am the child, abandoning my own wants and needs. Stuck in a bad relationship with no way out.
That's me...I'm 63!!
There's ALWAYS hope and the way out is different but not necessarily bad. You might give up some things but you also gain so much.
❤
I got out. Now healing work started.
I've seen people who have grown up in homes like this and because they are afraid of confrontation, they have unfortunately become victims of abuse. It's why I always try to make sure my partner is comfortable and I try to make the difficult conversations easier to have.
Harder still is to control your emotions as an adult. I won’t argue now, I’ll discuss. I stay outside of the house until I’ve shaken off the workday enough to come in the home and be positive. Forgive immediately but don’t forget. Set clear boundaries and always be fair. Things I wish would have been demonstrated to me when I was a kid
You're just like my husband. Love him so much but wish he'd give me the real real sometimes. Get mad about anything. Never angry. It's like anger doesn't exist.
Taking responsibility for our thoughts and feelings and not attempting to be responsible for others' thoughts and feelings is critical in dealing with life. These videos are absolutely genius.
Damn. That just about made me cry, because this is how I KNOW I'll be if I get in a relationship. For some reason, I'm always the one going with the flow, following along, then I'll get mad at myself and others for treating me like a strung-along puppy. Help!
That CAN BE FIXED!! Find a good, preferably Christian, therapist! You'll be fine.
Heal first. It's not a good idea to get into a relationship until you do or you'll continue the dysfunction in the new one. It's hard but it's necessary.
Therapy. The above advice is CRITIICAL. I bet people who want to take advantage of that are drawn to you like moths to a light bulb and compound your trauma. Then you might lose years or even decades and find yourself using self-destructive methods to cope. At that point, digging out feels so overwhelming..
We soooooooo so NEED TO HEAR THIS! We have the power to change the trajectory of our own and our children’s stories! I’m so tired of meeting people who should be on an island all alone because they are so damaged by people who were mistreated and never got or sought out help.
Oh my god.....I....I'm so glad I watched this cuz my solution to EVERY SINGLE ISSUE is silence treatment......gotta work on that
Ong. Avoid every single problem like it doesnt exist until it eventually doesnt.
Same
this is exactly how i feel. not being able to be yourself is exhausting cuz your tryna not be a burden
I had a mum who would just shut down and my abusive dad would yell. I felt like I had to stand up for mum because she wouldn't and my older brother wouldn't. It put all the pressure on me to do something. To be a hero. But I couldn't I was too afraid. I couldn't control my anxiety which led to me blaming myself.
My parents are the same as yours, but it never occurred to me that it was wrong. I just thought that's what relationships were supposed to be.
It's only now that I'm in my 40s that I realize that's not healthy. My parents are still married, and I'm pretty low contact with them. I have no idea how to approach any type of meaningful conversation.
This one really hits home and it is how I have learned and am unlearning on how to deal with conflict in my life. Sadly there is still arguement in my family where it all started as a child but I am learning to finally forgive and learn to live with that person who I am having issues with.
Interesting. I’m, oddly inverted. I abandoned those who do that. They didn’t argue face to face, but would talk and vilify you to the other family members and claim they were the victims.
I hate that people having contrasting views on something can cause them to hate each other and ruin relationships with both family, friends, and romantic partners. Having the expectation that you aren’t going to argue with those around you means you are going to have to agree on every little thing, which usually means one person is going to feel burdened by sacrificing their entire existence to suit another’s. Arguing happens and knowing that will happen, being prepared to have a conversation with such said person, and being able to cooperate on a middle ground is the best thing you can do in a relationship with anyone.
Man that is an absolute punch to the gut. It's like my life read back to me.
This is my marriage!! I've been married for almost 30 years. My husband does this. Whenever I say something he thinks is wrong, get upset about how I'm treated, or argue, cry, get mad.. I will get the silent treatment for hours, sometimes days. I learned never to act mad, upset, or do or say anything about how he treats me. I hold it all in. This has caused me to get very sick over the years. I have no idea how to change it.
Honestly same. I feel like anything I want or need doesn’t matter in the end. There is self sacrifice and then there is self negligence.
My husband is helping me learn to love myself and it’s okay to do nice things for myself and to communicate is healthy.
Your work is very powerful…. Thank you for sharing your knowledge. You are a true gift to humanity 🙏🏻❤️
Yup. That was my childhood. Took me 35yrs to learn how to set a simple boundary.
Mind blown 🤯 this is me! I’m 30 now and I’ve been with my husband since I was 20. I grew up in a house where there were either screaming matches or fists flying multiple times a day and as an adult I refuse to argue or stir up conflict in any way shape or form because I can’t stand fighting. There will be times where my husband does or says something so hurtful or mean that I won’t speak to him for days and will sleep in a completely different room. I feel like I’m walking on eggshells constantly because I don’t wanna disappoint anyone or cause an issue so I’ll never say I disagree with someone or tell them my thoughts of something if it doesn’t coincide with theirs. Instead I just completely shut down 🤯
“Anything to avoid the way I feel in this home” gut punch bc of how true that is
Thank you so much for everything you do for us all. ❤️ Aries ♈️
We grow up thinking it's all normal because we didn't know better BUT deep inside the self, we really do know something is wrong. Hide it out of embarrassment, etc. Thinking NOBODY will know what we are talking about. I'm so grateful for you helping us all KNOW that these things are real, IT has a name and we CAN have HEALING. ❤ BLESS'ED BE EVERYONE.
Yeah… I kinda think I have this attachment style, but we never had the silent treatment in my family. We had tons of yelling and you tried handling emotions or conflict in a healthy way, you could expect to be shamed, mocked, or ignored. 😅
Yeah, same, except the yelling came from my mum and I was never allowed to talk back, so I had to stay quiet. I remember walking on egg shells my entire time living at home. Then I ended up in an abusive relationship and only just realised why I ended up like this. Shit really
@@x-starlight-x This was how I grew up, as well.
@@x-starlight-xnarcissistic mothers
Pretending the issue doesn't exist is a major flaw i got from my home growing up...now i just expect my real problems to go away
Talking,not yelling or fighting, can work things out. The silent treatment and violent arguing and fighting will bring kids up with serious issues. My "nmom" yelled about everything, my dad just was quiet and walked away to cool down then talk it out. Man I'm still screwed up!
Thank you for educating the logical and practical "CAUSE" to the endless labels we assign!
I literally avoid my own family. Even my closest friends
it all makes sense now omg...
My mother is lovely but we never speak about issues and just ignore things that go wrong.
I was in the ER at 15 years old for trying to commit, we woke up the day after I got back and never brought it up again. My school organised counselling and such for me themselves.
I put up with a lot of shit from people and friends because I'm scared of being abandoned or of others having a negative opinion of me.
She is a wonderful mother though and did her best for me and my siblings, I am truly grateful to her :)
This is described my house. Until last year i had enough and explode. We still give each other silent treatment, sometimes i don't even know what i do wrong. Sometimes i felt like they just regreting their decision to having me. Make me felt unworthy, neglected, and lonely. But however i need to face it right, i dont have to said anything, so we could be together
You probably didn't do anything wrong. Dysfunctional people are dysfunctional to their core.
Woah, woah, woah... I'm feeling very personally called out right now! Thanks for posting! Glad I'm not the only one! So glad I've learned and grown since those days.
These videos really hit hard. I just want to be normal.
being normal isn't as normal as you think it is, there are just a lot of different styles of abnormal
My dad is extremely passive aggressive. Oh he yelled and fought with my mother, but she is a devout Christian and never yelled back at him. Even though SHE was my rock and I looked up to her.. by her never standing up for herself, I too became others doormats for a long time. I still people please even now. But it was my father who did the real damage. I was his scapegoat. Still am. I can not regulate my emotions and I have anger issues. But I’m doing my very best to gentle parent my child. I’m not perfect but I’m trying every day to grow and be better for my daughter and myself.
My dad was the silent treatment type. He would ignore me for weeks or even months without a word. I would go about my business and he would turn his head away from me whenever i entered the room. Wouldnt speak to me or look at me for weeks. Didnt make sure i ate or bathed or went to school. Its like i didnt exist.
I made a mistake as a 13yr old and yeah he pretended like i didn't exist for the next 10 years. Now i do the same when I'm unhappy about something.
okay hes not avoidant, hes a psycopath.
Yeah, i kinda had the same relationship with my dad growing up. Didnt see him much at all.
Dont have that many memories even though i lived with him for 18 years. 😂
I am WHEEZING at the *uncomfortable silence* and face 😩🤣🤣🤣 the laughter is choking meeeee 🫠🫠🫠
I thought I was anxious attachment... now I wonder if I am avoidant attachment!
Maybe you’re disorganized, which means you have traits of both.
Children from abusive and turbulent homes can also leArn this. This was me for the first 10 years of my marriage. If you don’t argue or fight you’re fine… not the truth. It created a lot of resentment towards my partner.
This was my household as a child. I would try to talk with my mother when things felt off and she would just shut me down to the point I eventually cried every time she would go silent.
As an adult, I notice I shut down at first but then will revisit the issue with that person without the extra initial emotions. Is this still an avoidant attachment trait a rational way to resolve issues?
I’d say I’ll try it out. Sounds like a great thing for me to try
For me, I communicate to the person by saying look I’m really upset and I don’t want to get in a heated argument. Can you give me an hour to calm down and we’ll revisit it later? I want to hear what you have to say.
It’s worked well for me so far!:)
It is an spectrum, it is posible
@@advisorywarning Now that is healthy communication. You're clearly communicating your need for space, you've provided when you'll return, and you've given reassurance.
I would say it's almost always a bad idea to try and solve something when you're in that initial high state of emotions. Sounds pretty healthy to me. I do not understand why some online content pushes the idea that there is only one way to solve conflicts in a healthy way (immediately, directly, with completely open and blunt communication). Nah, different styles and strategies should be acceptable. The only thing you should be aiming for is mutual understanding and a solution that satisfies both parties.
I for one have a hard rule of no yelling. Don't care if people think that's some kind of trigger I need to get over in order to "heal". Nah, people are perfectly capable of not raising their voice during a disagreement. If you feel like you have to yell, then some fundamental aspect of respect is missing from the conversation. Yelling is aggressive. There is no need for aggression with people who are supposed to be in a caring relationship with you.
I find that there can also be an opposite effect to any of these.
Dad was a drunk- I never drank, even at 36.
Mom cried over everything- my sadness converts to rage and I can’t cry.
Dad walked all over mom-sis and I refuse to take any misbehavior from men.
I was abused-I’m hyper carful with my children.
I was exposed to dangerous situations-I shelter my children.
Mom didn’t get on the floor and play-everything is about good times, toys, fun, and loving Jesus.
Thanks, you two! Love these skits ❤️❤️🥰
Oof. I literally just got back from therapy and now I feel like I gotta call her up
Very important point though. This doesn't mean that yelling is going to make a healthier situation. We can embrace conflict without needing to shout or add harsh tone to make your point "win". This is so ridiculously hard to accomplish, especially when our bucket is already drained.
Excellent description.