"Mom" told me to my face at about 12 that she wished she'd never had me. I had felt it long before that from both of them though. She clearly resented my existence and allowed countless other people to abuse me on her behalf. She pretended she was protecting me and would claim to love me while telling me how everyone else was just tolerating me. Had no problem using me as a maid and human shield from my abusive "dad". This confused me terribly since she told me one thing and acted totally contrary. I felt ashamed for existing. Even after lots of therapy, it's still hard to trust other people's intentions if there's anything that doesn't perfectly match. My mind spins the story that it was all just a trick and that I'm only tolerated if I don't expect anything. No child should have to feel like a burden. It saddens me deeply that children being unwanted is now going to become even more common. Forcing people to have children they don't want harms everyone.
@@kristinburton4953 I'm sorry she told you such a cruel, vicious lie. Her opinion is what's worthless. You are so worthy to be here and to be loved. Sending energetic hugs to you if you want them.
@@rainbowconnected I'm sorry you had to endure that excruciatingly painful experience from your childhood. I hope you are guided to people who genuinely care for you as you deserve. Every living being deserves that love
I have literally NEVER seen this topic covered. I knew it deep down, but didn't want to believe it for decades. The signs were all there and much later in my adulthood I finally had to accept it. I had matured enough to know I am certainly not alone, so that offered some comfort. Once I accepted this as a central fact to my childhood, it made everything so much clearer and I was able to move on and let it go.
I have always heard that at least 1/3 of pregnancies aren't planned, and I have always supposed that this was the case by association. No one ever talks about it, though, just gets to live it.
Wanted for awhile and then everyone got bored of me around 7 years old. Grew up ignored and treated more like a live in maid and like I was suppose to already act like a mature adult. Even without guidance or emotional support or proper role models to mirror . I got more validation from the family pets and bonded with them instead.
Me too. Wanted, then not. Something to do with losing attention from Dad. Not sure. Then on a later attempt by my Dad to diffuse/apologize to me: "You didn't ask to be born". I waited then like a boarder to come of age enough to disappear. Abandonement.
The first born in my family died in infancy. The family “joke” was that if they hadn’t died I would never have been born. I was the youngest of five. The last to be born. The scape goat. The freedom seeker. The truth teller. The banished. The free.
Wow. Everything you described, I identify with. Thank you for talking about this! I'm about to turn 55 and its only in the past 2 years that I really have been able to accept myself and start to truly love myself and not accept anymore "crapfit" situations, thanks to the feelings of shame and being unwanted that I have experienced my whole life. I'm the 6th of 6 kids, born to parents of "the silent generation". I was able to finally reframe my experience to that of "its not me, its them" and get an inkling of how unprepared my parents were to be parents, and I felt so much relief. I have compassion for them, but I'm still working on releasing anger towards a narcissistic abusive father and a mother who did NOTHING to support or defend her children. My mother is 90 years old now, many of her children have very little to no contact with her (my father passed a few years ago) and I see her as a little old woman that is deserving of compassion, but she's never really been my mother in the true sense of the word. There's no "there" there between us. I'm single, no children, have a few good friends, but I pour my love into animal rescue and my teaching of 150+ students each year. I really enjoy making my home a safe place for my animals and my classroom a safe learning environment for my students. I hope to have a loving, intimate, healthy relationship soon. Your videos and shorts are always SO helpful! Happy New Year and love to you all reading this :)
Thanks so much for sharing your not so healthy childhood experience --- as the middle child among 3 daughters and perhaps the unwanted one because I came just under 2 years after my emotionally immature & abusive mother's first baby, I can relate to it. I'm happy to read about your now rich & fulfilling life and can also understand your distance from/ambivalence with/pity for your mother. It's complicated and there may be no final answers regarding how to relate with her (from my perspective coming from how I feel towards my own mother right now). I wish you & her well...❤
Thank you for sharing your story-it's inspiring to see how you've found self-acceptance and compassion despite the challenges you've faced, and I wish you continued healing and fulfillment in all areas of your life!❤
I can relate to so much of what you’re saying. 54yo, youngest of seven, mom told me at 16 that, after I was born , she had her tubes tied as soon as she could (sheep was almost. 43). my father was physically / verbally abusive to her. Shortly after I was born he moved to the family to a new province away from all of her family and Support. Depressed and drinking heavily. So I Scored 6/9. Not bad:) mom died in 99, dad 2012. If I really try I can eke out a “ wth did they do to me?” … But no anger. Compassion,yes. But they were two deeply flawed individuals. they are gone now and I can’t understand anger for angers sake. Did you feel the anger first? Or the compassion? Which was more challenging to uncover? You sound like a lovely soul (and we need more of those). It sounds like you’re well on your way to a life of peace and hopefully happiness.
My mom is this. She was a very late surprise baby. All her siblings were teenagers. This has resulted in very intense, and destructive behaviors in her life... which she tried to fix by having a family of her own. Surprise, it didn't magically fix her issues. Do the self work if you are able.
Cruel to say I didn’t want you ,but whole another level when mother says to your face I should have dumped you in the toilet … And those cold 👀 …Minutes later she hug little sister . My presence irritates her
This is also the experience of many adopted adults. You would think we were “wanted” but we disappointed them as we came with trauma from separation from our first mothers, and they are often narcissistic and felt entitled to a child. I’d like to hear you speak about adopted adults.
As an adoptive parent, I'd love to hear more on this topic as well. I don't want to perpetuate the same mistakes. I think many adoptive parents are very naive about the realities of what they're getting into. I had no idea that although our daughter came to us at 11 days old, that the wounding and trauma would be so deep. At least now we have more resources and access to them so we can understand and support our children better. Trauma informed care is a must and it's fairly new, although it should be intuitive. I hope she speaks more on this topic. She has helped me care for my adoptive daughter's needs a lot already. I hope you are finding healing in your journey!
For me, this was made worse b/c my parents ended up being able to have their own biological children. I have noticed this occurs with surprising frequency after years of trying to conceive and finally deciding on adoption. My mother took every opportunity to remind me I was her 'adopted child' and my sister was her 'firstborn!' Even as a small kid I knew her attitude was 'bananas!' (Kids now would say 'WTF!') My dad and grandparents treated me wonderfully, but my mom never bonded with me, even though I bent over backwards and twisted myself into pretzels to win her affection.
@@gardenbun They've figured that the correlation between adoption and fertility is the stress impacts reproductive functioning and success, so all those years trying too hard become counter productive. Once they relax a little after finalizing an adoption, function springs back into action.
Mom was 15. Dad was 16. My Mom made sure my whole life I knew I was unwanted and wrecked her future and so I "owed her." Neither parent matured beyond those ages- it stunted their maturity. Luckily, I had a one Grandparent who picked up all the slack of emotional fulfillment and boosting my self-esteem and I spent 50% of my time with them.
I'm so sorry you had to face that kind of emotional burden. It's incredible that your grandparent was there to offer you the support and love you needed.
I was wanted by my father, who was sterile, but not by my mother. She wanted a boy, but had me instead. So I got ignored, overlooked, and emotionally neglected by her.I was rejected by her for being a girl. Even as an adult, she still speaks to me with great contempt, while speaking to my oldest sibling(her daughter, not my father's), and my brother who was born after me like they are the best thing that has ever happened to her. They are selfish, self-centered, and inconsiderate because she loves them unconditionally. I, on the other hand, walk on eggshells, am a perfectionist, and can't relax because I fear I'll get something wrong or speak too much truth for my mom's ego. Though I greatly despise this dynamic and want to get as far away from my mom as possible, I don't resent or feel jealous of my siblings. She wanted them, and that's just the way it is.🤷♀️
Gosh... (tears). I knew I was unwanted. Even as a child it felt as if I was on the outside, looking in. (That Christmas picture where the hungry child is outside in the snow, looking through the window to the family and warmth inside.) I was "fighting" for my mom's attention and affection for almost 50 decades before I finally realized that this was never going to happen. Cutting emotional ties with her and finally learn to love and accept myself, helped me to heal this wound. Our society is so screwed up, it is almost funny.
I take great comfort in knowing that I'm not alone. I wish more parents, where possible, would be so much more conscious of their choices and the lifelong impact that goes with it.
My mother got pregnant with me at 16. She has a big family. I was surrounded by family and love but always felt deeply lonely and ashamed. though there was a lot of love, like most families, we have a ton ton of generational trauma, emotional neglect, general dysfunction, addiction, anxiety, mental health issues etc. Crippling anxiety and depression from as early as 6 years old. BPD, GAD, MDD diagnosis in late teens and several psych hospitalizations. No matter how much intensive therapy i had (at one point 3x a week) i couldnt pull myself out of it. Couldnt finish college...tried 4 times never getting past a semester. No career. barely able to hold down a job. Miraculously found a beautiful man 14 years ago who is now my amazing husband. 43 now and finally starting to get my footing. Starting to understand i have always been enough, i have been carrying generations of trauma that isnt mine on top of what is mine.
You mean the difference between not wanting a particular baby at that specific time vs not wanting to have kids ever? I was one of the 50% she talks about here - from unmarried mother in a strictly Catholic community. In addition to my self-esteem and abandonment issues , as a teenager I decided to stay childfree, and stuck to this decision, and never regretted it.
@vickyd7541 I think I'm more referencing those for whom the baby isn't the issue, but lack of desire to "be" a parent is. The many ways that you must change your way of thinking, decision making, budgeting, how things affect you AND your kid, having to be depended upon for everything 24/7. My mother wanted to be an addict. She wanted to be carefree and live only for her own enjoyment. Having a baby ensured my dad would provide for her. My dad wanted a means by which to control her and keep her tethered to him. Neither of them wanted to be parents, and they were terrible at it. But they did want a baby for various toxic reasons. I thought something was wrong with me, that they didn't want to be a parent to ME. It took nearly 50 years for me to figure that out. 🧡 Neither of them were capable of nurturing, providing stability, offering guidance, or of loving, if I'm being honest. I don't forgive them and cut them off long ago, but I do understand what happened. Realizing it wasn't me changed my life! 🧡
Some people want babies but lose interest when baby gets bigger. Once baby can't be silenced with a cookie or threats of violence then the parent is woefully unprepared 😢
Unfortunately, not all unwanted children are unplanned - kids are status symbols, leverage, marriage patches... People can just want status and neither a baby or parenthood, just status in a checklist way of presenting oneself.
I was the second unwanted child following my 11-1/2 month older sister. My parents were married only because my mom became pregnant and my Catholic dad and the church insisted. They didn’t want the pregnancy, the marriage or the second pregnancy. My mom tells the story of how she went to the priest to say she didn’t want to have another baby with her cheating alcoholic husband who was creating chaos in her life. She says it was a nightmare. The priest back in 1963 actually told her to go 6:49 ahead and use birth control which was unheard of… Apparently my dad said that is sinful and NO ! These are the circumstances around which i was conceived. I feel for my mom, and my older sister and for me in utero for having to endure this. I became the perfect good one and both mom and sister won’t ever understand my pain because they think I wasn’t impacted. Thanks 🙏🏻 ❤for this
Yes I was unwanted child by my parents and yes I'm aware that their bad behaviours has nothing to do with me. I am worthy, good enough and lovable and there is no need to prove and looking for aproval by anyone for my own existence.
I wish you would touch on abortion here. Some people have one parent who wanted an abortion and the other didn’t- that is something that comes out eventually and the child has to live with that knowledge forever. Some parents even use it as a way of trying to comfort suicidal children. “If it had been up to me, you wouldn’t be here right now” oof.
Now that I’m finally diagnosed autistic as an adult, I see that I fully identify with this video not because of the examples written, but because I was neurologically different and didn’t fit my mothers expectations. As a side - thanks for all you do!
I was definitely unplanned. My parents already had a 16 year old and a 12 year old. My dad had also had a vasectomy 2 years prior to having me. So when my mom finally accepted the fact she was pregnant and told my dad, his first question was was it his. Of course, my mom was never unfaithful. So they then had to build onto their house to make room & start over. I basically raised myself in many ways and have always been outcasted by my family because I was so unexpected. It has affected me my entire life & this video explains how I feel 100%.
I'm really sorry you've had to experience that, but it's powerful that you're able to identify how it has shaped you, and I hope you continue to find healing and connection.
My mother told me ,” if you want to have anything don’t have kids”, “you can’t have anything if you have kids”, “ get married But don’t have kids” etc of course she was pregnant five times…
Bloody hell, talk about hitting the nail on the head. Mind blown!! 🤯 My poor therapist has so much work to do. It’ll be hard to work through but I love wanting to work through this and heal myself and my relationships to live a better, happier and more peaceful life. 🙌🏻
My dad had already raised a family and didn't want more children, but my mom wanted her own, so they had us anyway. Neither parent was particularly available or attuned, though, and I always felt like a nuisance, always felt like I was in the way. Also, my mom's first pregnancy (the one before me) ended in a stillbirth, and I think she had a lot of anxiety and fear while pregnant with me, which I inherited in a huge way. Every day of my 37 years so far has been agonizing anxiety and loneliness. Your description here fits me to a tee.
My mother definitely wanted a daughter who played the part she wrote, and reflected back her perception of herself. She definitely wanted that daughter, but she didn't want *me* - she is currently not speaking to me because I asked that our communication be *reciprocal* she was so hurt by that request that she threw herself up on the cross, the victim of me. It's weird, you'd think she'd listen to me to prove I was wrong.
I WAS wanted, but for all the wrong reasons. My parents had three sons and wanted a girl. I was "born for the purpose" of being their carer essentially. And that's what happened. I cared for my mother for nearly five years and she died about six weeks ago. I identified with a lot of those points on your list.
Thank you for covering this. It's like you're telling my story. . I was the youngest of 5, and part of unplanned, undiagnosed twins when my mother was 44, back in 1970 with my closest sibling 8 years older. I always grew up not feeling wanted and lesser but not knowing what was missing. Growing up I heard the stories of how my parents almost put me up for adoption when I was born, until my older siblings stopped them. My mother had a psychotic break when she found out it was twins (me) and was hospitalized leaving my 12 year old brother to care for my infant sister and me while my father worked. She was always remote and emotionally unavailable, dealing with her own mental health issues. I'm working hard at reparenting my inner child who grew up without a mother's love.
I feel like a crappy person. I am aware of all this now. But idk how to effectively change this dynamic in my current family. I want my children to feel loved and not unwanted!
🫂 often self healing is the first step, if your kids are older you can explain to them and ask them to allow you to help them heal and for me personally going to therapy and striving for that change is 💯 required, my own kid wasn't my choice, but I never want her to feel the weight of being unwanted, especially by me, so I did a lot of introspection and in four years I got to a point where I could look back and see how much more stable I became in my own self worth and how much that has affected her, she's much more free and childlike than she was❤
@RosesaurusRex what if you can't afford to go to therapy consistently? This is why I've had to do so much of my own personal development and self help because it's not possible for me
@@ElisabethCarns there are clinics that offer "pro bono" sessions you can also get some medical insurance assistance in most states that will help with the cost and whatnot. I'm not sure otherwise because I really needed the outside professional input. And while it's not ideal, if you have a kid under 18 and they go to therapy you can learn a lot of things about yourself by learning from their therapist who may also give you pointers on your own healing because ultimately your mental health affects their patients aswell 😊
@ElisabethCarns I would start with calling my local department of human services and seeing if they have a list, and if not I would call around to some of the offices and see if they have any or if they know anyone that does, I live in a small town so they all know each other here locally.
All of this checks out for me. What's weird is that I didn't care about my parents not expecting me. We even joked about it growing up. But I have all the 'impacts' of it. Is it possible that it affected me and I wasn't aware? Psychology is wild
As a child I was told repeatedly by my Mom that I was supposed to be a boy. She would even laugh and tease me about it saying that for the first three years of my life, that they called me George. My Dad never said this to me, only my Mom and she showed it daily and repeatedly throughout my childhood. Name calling, cruel teasing, put downs, being hit and humiliations were just a part of life. I tried my very best to be the invisible child, to avoid being hit by my older sister who was wanted and adored or being hit or emotionally hurt by our Mom. Our Mom passed away at too young of an age 49, I forgive her as I don't think she knew any better. I finally had to go no contact with my sister as she never stopped the emotional abuse that was so fully accepted, almost expected towards my very existence. And yes, I do or have done all of what you mentioned as a result.
My mother wanted to abort me, other family members were dragging off her decision so it was too late to do it. My nervous system in a womb sensed a danger,a life threat. My body is in a freeze mode- I have a contact wound which is I dont orgasm, I am numb,no sexual feelings in my body. My mother was a victim type of a person. She did not open the door for my father to see me, I grew up with no father. I do some somatic therapy now.
You explain my life. Although for the first 8 weeks of my life I was put up for adoption. This back in 1966 was a 12 week process. My mother was in trauma as a single 19 year old. My "father" also got another girl pregnant.. I don't know who he is. Back then these young mothers had to look after the child during the adoption process without getting attached. Long story short, my grandmother said that my mother should keep me and cancelled the adoption 8 weeks in to the process. The first 2 years of my life was moving between different homes because my mother was unable to stay with her parents, they made her life hell. I agree your body holds that trauma... the feeling of being unloved or worse unlovable used to overwhelm me. After having two stand in fathers and 52 years got me to break all contact with my mother. Healing is a life long process.. I thank Yah for my life now ❤
I was the first child, conceived to trick my father into marriage, and once they married my mother wanted me gone and resented my presence in my father’s life (and definitely in hers). My father never knew that she had planned the pregnancy as a tool/trick to get him to marry her but she told me as I was leaving home to go to university. In retrospect it devastated me, especially when they moved continent within the year leaving me behind. It’s taken me decades to see the truth and understand my feelings.
Send this to all the older people bullying and guilt tripping because they want grandkids. Having a child because it's expected of you or because it will please someone else when it's not what you actually want is going to be terrible for the kid long term. They're going to know eventually.
I was not a planned child. Mom was 20 and unmarried. I never had a father either. I know she loves me now that I’m an adult and on my own, but when I was a child dependent on her, I felt like a huge burden.
My father never wanted children and my mother thought she wanted 2 or 3 children. They "compromised" and I was born. My father didn't change his mind, and when he found out I didn't have the decency to be a boy to help make up for existing he was even angrier. He got a vasectomy in secret a month after I was born. He was abusive to me and made sure I knew he hated me for taking my mother's attention away from him. Luckily they divorced when I was 15. I had as little contact as I could. I cut off contact completely a few years ago, I'm 47 now. My mother liked being a mom until I was about 18 months. By then she had grown tired of having to carry me around, etc. So she put me on our busted up driveway figuring the pain would prove if I could walk. Apparently I got up and ran to the grass and sat back down, and she never had to carry me again. Turns out what she really wanted in life was to be single and not have kids. I was always being told to leave her alone. It only got worse when I became disabled at 19. It wasn't the case for my parents, but people need to leave others alone when it comes to insisting they have kids. An unloved, unwanted, and abused child shouldn't have to go through all of that because you want a grandtoy or whatever.
The moment you said someone might be feeling a reaction in their body i did feel it- Now i have more solid intel how to work with that energy. Good grounded video. Thank you.❤❤❤
My mother had me at 18 and was sent to a home for unwed teen mothers. My mother is the definition of ‘the still face experiment’. No emotions other than anger. Just the two of us with some contact with her parents, but no one else. Just completely alone. I’ve never understood how to connect with anyone. I don’t understand most of it and would rather be alone or with animals. Of course I don’t have my own family. I don’t have friends and I struggle to have enough money. My anxiety around people is so bad that I can only get on certain buses and I don’t want to be seen anytime. There’s no help. How do you heal when you have a lifetime of proof that you are unloved?
When I was in elementary school my Mom told me I was an accident. I thought it was funny at the time. They already had four children and she was 40 (in the early 1960's). Also, I think she had a mild form of depression, and emotions weren't a focus in our household. I have experienced most of these symptoms and am trying to reparent myself now.
It's a lot more than 50%. For reasons as simple as Shame, most people will not be authentic and honest when asked if they had children for really wanting them. Religion and society would verbally punish harshly those parents.
Oh my..😢 I am so glad you are addressing this. I am 13/17 years behind my siblings. From earliest memory I heard how I was “ The Oops” child, as if this was just hilarious.. to my family.
Thank you for this. ❤ both my younger sister and I were unwanted. I was an accident and she was supposed to be a boy. My parents were forced to get married back in the seventies as it was the “right” thing to do. I never realised what an impact this alone has had on my life. I can relate to all of the examples listed. 🙏🏼
This rings true to my experience, although I never really thought of it in those terms. My mother got pregnant at 19, shotgun wedding to my apparently sweet but very alcoholic 19 year old father. I suppose I was technically unwanted and there was a lot of stress/violence/lack of money etc until they split up a few years later (never saw my father again). It's strange because I know my mother loved me but also that I was basically neglected and also absorbed all her anxiety (which was extreme!). I know that they did their best and I find it hard to blame anyone--but I definitely connect to that list of impacts.
This is very similar to my origen story. I don't think it's about "blaming" anyone, because 19 year-olds did the best they could with what they had. It's more about understanding that trauma was passed on to us, so that we can break the chain and not pass it on to our own children.
@@theresamcgallicher I agree totally. My mother had a very traumatic childhood. I am so grateful to be alive at a time when these issues are more understood, and to have the awareness that I now have.
Thank you so much…so much for this video. My mom had me at 18. Worked all the time. Left me to be babysat by family members. They were all I knew. I didn’t see much of my mom until it was too late, I was a freshman in high school when she graduated nursing school and got a really good job. By then, . I was already who I was and to me there was no point of trying a better relationship bc I was broken.
Wow. This video brought me to my knees. I’m a twin, Baby B, born back in the day before sonograms. I was a ‘surprise’, an unexpected baby. All through my childhood, I’d hear things like, ‘After your sister was born, the Dr. said, Wait, here comes another one.’ ‘Your Mother freaked out when she found out, at the last minute, she was twins.’ ‘We didn’t have another name picked out. for her’ ‘Could you imagine giving birth to one child, then finding out there’s another one.’ After seeing this, I have tears in my eyes. I never considered an unplanned twin as being an ‘unwanted’ child, but I check all the boxes… and although I never heard or felt this from my Mother, my extended family, have never let me forget.
My mom told me that I was wanted and planned. She said she prayed for a dark-haired girl and got one. I felt that she didn't want me, but a replacement of her sister that died. I even look a little like her. I don't believe that my dad wanted another kid at all. My brother was 18 months older than me and they were broke. I even asked as a child if I was planned. Mom always said yes. I kept questioning her one time until she got mad and said, "No, is that what you wanted to hear?" I felt okay with it because it felt honest, and I felt that the way I was treated finally made sense.
My mother was good and ready to file for divorce but then she found out she was pregnant with me. Forty something years later and she’s still reminding me
I was raised by my mother and grandmother it was an unusual dynamic that my mom was the golden child, and after she died my grandmother flat out told my sister and me she wished we were never born, and she meant it. Thanks, grandma.
My mother was 45 when I was born. This was in the 1950's. Her relationship with my father was not good. Finances were precarious. My experience of her was that she was about as psychologically absent as a human being could be. She pretty much never spoke to me. After hearing what you had to say about what almost certainly was her psychological and physical situation I think I maybe know more and I now understand something about her and about growing up. Maybe I will one day be able to let go of the pain.
Relate to it all. At 55 though I feel it's all too ingrained to make any significant changes now but it does help to intellectualize and re-frame the why. Thank you for your videos. They are immensely validating.
I’m glad the videos have helped validate your experiences, and even though it may feel ingrained, it’s never too late to find healing and growth at any age.
Ive finally come to this level of awakening after years of being told im the fortunate one, being adopted by another family as compared to my brother. But as i was growing up, i often felt like an option. Like i could easily be returned to my father everytime i did something wrong, or worse i argued to stick my ground. It is so much emotions to deal with, and here i am kind of feeling super crippled by everything and the lack of motivation to do anything productive at all - without the strong sense of self and inner security😢. I dont even know how to heal from here anymore
The unwanted child. How about a son and daughter who were adopted to "save" their adopted parent's marriage. And when their marriage remained toxic, the father blamed the children. My brother (six) and I (four) were fooling around one day, and my father got angry because he was in a foul mood and we were too loud. My father yelled at us. I went into silent, shutdown mode, and when my brother thought my father was out of hearing range, he mimicked my father to make me laugh. My father came storming back into the room and said, "You two had better not be laughing at me. Because, if it weren't for you two, I could go back to (insert country) and be happy." That day, my whole world changed, and I became a people pleaser. No boundaries. I felt like I was responsible for everyone's happiness. I became the peacemaker, the fixer, and lived in this toxic situation for 56 years until my father's death, as my mother wouldn't leave him. Even though I left home at 16 and was out for good at 17, I still felt trapped in this toxicity as my mother called every night to complain about her situation for hours. My mother liked the lifestyle he provided, the house, etc., more than she cared about removing us from this situation. I was shamed that day, and another day, I told a friend that I was adopted. My friend didn't believe me, so we went to my house, and my mother was mortified that I had said to her that I was adopted. I felt really bad about myself and felt like they had lied to me when they said being adopted was a good thing. I realized then that it wasn't. I was ashamed of my circumstances to the point where I thought I had to do anything and give anything in order to have friends. Talk about parentified. I would love to hear something about adopted children who were resented after becoming part of a family and how that has impacted them. Thank you. I have done a tremendous amount of work on myself. It wasn't easy. I have forgiven. But, sometimes, I still feel stuck or don't speak up for myself. I still, at times, shut down.
I’m deeply moved by your story and the strength it took to work through all of that; it’s clear you’ve made tremendous progress, and I hope you continue to find healing and the courage to fully embrace your voice.
This is so weird.... it's scary! I have almost all these symptoms. But my parents never actually told me I was unwanted, they even spoiled me... I'm the youngest female with three older brothers (with at least ten years of difference) and I do know i wasn't planned. Also that they didn't know I was a girl until I was born and my mother had already accepted she was going to have a boy. I do have cptsd, and I never considered this... I'm freaking out a bit...
Thank you for this great supportive video ❤ I am telling myself that I am here in this world because God loves me and He created me, not because I happened to be my parents mistake
I never felt unwanted (although I was neglected in other ways) until my mom got remarried to a man with no children. She wanted him and nothing else and told my sister and I we were the reason why her relationship with my stepdad failed.
My parents only wanted 2 kids, they only had 2 pregnancies and a week before my twin sister and I were born they found out that there was 2 babies. I have felt like the unwanted child most of my life. I am 10 yrs sober… I can reflect that I imagine it was stressful as hell to have a baby room for one baby and bam there is two…. And I had an extremely needy older brother. I’ve done a lot of work around the shame of being born. I’m the cycle breaker in the family ❤
I really wish my ex went to therapy to unpack trauma from being unwanted. He was born out of wedlock and I think his conservative family caused him a lot of stress and guilt and that trauma really weighed on him and caused friction in our relationship.
I've previously commented on your video with Mel Robbins about this topic. A massive THANK YOU to both you and Mel for helping the likes of me feel both seen and understood. I come from a very dysfunctional family, with both Generational Trauma and Narcissism involved. One of the worst-kept family secrets is that one of my cousins was conceived before my aunt and uncle were married - they were already planning the wedding anyway, but in Rural very Catholic Ireland in the late 60's it would have been seen as a disgrace for a bride to be pregnant, especially in a very upstanding, pillars of the community family like mine. My mother had a traumatic birth of my older sister, severe pre-eclampsia, hospitalised on bed rest for weeks, with my sister then being born prematurely. This was a couple of months after my aunt and uncle's wedding. My cousin was born about 7 months after the wedding. My very matriarchal grandmother's solution to a potential scandal was to allocate the Prematurity Story to my cousin. Obviously my father was forced to go along with this, it was his domineering mother after all, but this incident led my parents down a road that almost ended in divorce. My mother had planned to take my older sister, then only about 6 months old, and leave! She had already made arrangement s with some of her own siblings. The only thing that stopped the divorce was mum finding out she was pregnant with me. She would have left with one child, ridden out the storm of a failed marriage and got back on her feet, but she couldn't do this with 2 children. My mother saw me as the reason why she couldn't divorce, and my father saw me as the reason that his marriage didn't fall apart. Growing up, as a small child my mother would often hurl he "If it hadn't been for you ..." accusation at me. I grew up feeling unwanted, abandoned, lonely and ashamed. Understanding how my journey started, and where these feelings came from, is helping me reparent myself and start to heal. Keep up your amazing work!
Thank you for sharing your powerful story-it's inspiring to see how you're using this understanding to reparent yourself and heal, and I’m so glad my work is helping you along that journey.❤
I was technically planned, but I also knew for my entire life that my existence was to make sure my older sister wasn't an only child. On top of that, my mother was 35 and my parents' marriage was already failing, so maybe I was a last attempt to keep the family together even if its never been said out right. And maybe a last chance for my dad to have a son, though he will probably never admit it. Later, I also became the second chance when my sister didn't live up to my mother's expectations, specifically for her dream to become a grandmother. I relate to ever point under the adult impact section. Does being wanted for the wrong reasons effect a child the same being unwanted does?
Dearest Holistic, what a nightmare for you. IT TAKES A LIFETIME TO WAKE UP FROM THIS SOMETIMES. Even when you get help, it seems you're still very alone about it all. No one around you wants to help. Mother made sure that we kids didn't associate with each other. But we had to make her look good. Insanity. You've done so much for all of us with these videos. I pray that someone is caring for you. Defending you. I'm grateful you walk with us.❤🙏💪🇺🇲😐, Patricia
I didn't think about things this way until i was around 30. I just thought everyone automatically hated me. It wasn't until my ex husband raped me and I had my own unwanted child that it hit me. I realized how much I was damaging my own child and I hated myself for being such a horrible person. We still need help for this. Too many counselor's and therapists just can't realize or wrap their heads around actual trauma.
Again, but the greatest gratitude for this one, seriously. The best companion read, generally, is It Didn't Start With You by Mark Wolynn. For posterity.
I’m actually the oldest but my parents were busy finishing their educations and I had a lot of babysitters. I relate to almost all the symptoms described so I think this applies to me, especially because when my sibling was born it was such a difference. My parents were more stable when my sibling was born and my mom became very preoccupied with them. While I felt like I was mostly ‘just there’. My parents never took interest (and maybe didn’t have the emotional capacity to) in trying to deeply know me and teach me to know myself.
A one night stand when there was still huge stigmas for either abortion or single parents. A years after roe v wade. My mom’s family also did not want her to have me. I walked away many years ago, and my parents died young. The feeling in my body never relents. Years of therapy, counseling, etc. but it is something managed, not cured…
My whole family consists of drinkers (not mom but mostly they are), so whenever I was going through this toughest time with that extreme loniless and not being needed by my daughter anymore and grieving I started drinking (covid was the catalyst) and I could see how that was my anxiety med (which made it even worse), it was a "friend" when I felt lonely, many more coping tactics that wine served me. And as I waa glung through therapy for my PTSD after rhe hurricane we touched my mother trauma and boom I am compeltely sober for about 14 months now. I don't even remember that I used have it when I felt certain type of way, I was seriously addicted then, but it was just that moment I was done,my last couple of glasses made me remember how pathetic I felt. It was aweful. As I quit drinking and not having anything else to cope, just therapy in the past, meditations, breathing and vagus nerve stimulation, my anxiety is almost mon existent now. 🙏 but I still get this loneliness time to time. And being a perfectionist! I learned a long time where did I come from it has been a life long battle. I call myself "a perfectionist in recovery" as its still a fine line
I was born + adopted in 1950s Liverpool, England. My mother chose to give me to strangers. I was 1-month old. I have often thought that IN UTERO I knew she was going to give me away. She already had a 9-year old 'kept' child + had another 'kept' child 3years after having me. My adoptive 'parents' were perverse, my 'mother' sexually. I fit nowhere. My original Birth Certificate along with my identity + history were nullified + my new Birth Cert. was fictitious. I will be an adoptee until I die. 5years ago my daughter gave me DNA test as a present. I hid it away. A couple of years later we found my older half-sibling - I had applied for my original Birth Certificate + knew my birth name + my mother's name - + my daughter asked if I would now like to do the DNA test. 68%Irish the rest Baltic, Finn + East European. Half-sib insisted my father was French - here there is a mystery.
There may be a majority of children who feel this way due to the parent's realization of all the responsibilities that are required into being a parent. It's taken by the parents as the end of their freedom and the introduction to additional duties for the next 2 decades (Minimum). Not to mention the financial issues that may arise. Regardless of a planned or unplanned child, the guilt of not being responsible is a very negative and destructive emotion, which can lead to abnormal behavior. Just my take on the matter.
Too painful to talk about. So many things you said hit home. Being abandoned, trust issues, thinking I have to be perfect to be loved, pushing people away. The list is endless. Planned by my mother, unwanted by father who left when I was two months old. Too much of a responsibility he said. Always felt like it was my fault he left. That I should've never been born.😢💔
I'm so sorry you went through that. It wasn't your fault, it was his. Infants have zero power or control, so it's impossible that you caused him to do anything. He chose that. Which is still painful and cruel to do to child. It's a reflection on him, not your lovableness or worth. For whatever it's worth, I'm glad you're here and I hope you heal enough to feel that way about yourself. Hugs to you if you want them.
Yeah, this adds a lot of context. Mom was 37, thought she was going to have a 3rd son, but wanted a daughter. Father certainly never wanted a 3rd child. So, my value was all about how how much I fit her ideal of girlishness. I've come to the realization very recently, that I am NB... . Thankfully, DH has been steadfast and loving for 30+ years, and I've healed so much. But, the scars remain.
I was an unexpected child, unwanted...and my mother was older. My deep core wound is feeling like I was not enough, still working on loving myself as I am.
"Mom" told me in adulthood she never loved "Other Parent" and only agreed marry them, because she got pregnant with me. In my late teens, "Other Parent" figured out they where trans . "Mom" was given chose let "Other Parent" transition or stay the gender they were assigned to at birth, "Mom" picked divorced and quickly went bar hopping. Within a year she got remarried and fouced a father-daughter relationship with "Step-Father" until his death. She doing this again with her live-in boyfriend. I love both my moms, but hated growing up with "Birth Mother," who tries to force the perfect picture family and competed with the other biological parent to this day. I'm adult now with my own place, but "Birth Mom" still treats me like I'm child under her roof, but act like a child herself when she doesn't get her way. "Mom II" show me love by respecting me, my interest and boundaries more.
I hit all the points, but my parents always told me that I was loved and wanted. I always felt different, probably due to autism. even once asked my parents if I was adopted. but they showed me fotos of me as baby at the hospital, so I think they're my true parents. could it be that due to being bullied and left out by peers through my whole school career could also be the source for these feelings?
That makes total sense that not having a sense of belonging with peers could cause some similar feelings. This world does not tend to make us autistic folks feel wanted or that we have a place. Are you parents neurotypical? If so, I could imagine that even though they loved you, there might be some communication differences that got in the way of connection and feeling the love between y'all. So maybe through no fault of your own, their loving gestures didn't land with you, leaving you with just the words and not a felt sense of love. I think for most people, feeling understood is a big part of feeling loved and that might have been missing because it tends to be harder to achieve that understanding between different neurotypes. And sadly often, the expectation is that autistic folks work harder to understand the neurotypical folks with not much reciprocity on their part. Obviously, if they didn't know at the time, that could have amplified said disconnect.
I was wanted and planned for up until the moment I was born the unwanted gender (girl). Affected me my whole life. To this day -- I'm 70 now -- I go quietly nuts when I hear would-be parents say they're "hoping" or "trying" for specific gender baby.
My mom was 15, early 70's before Roe v Wade. When I asked her at the age of 12 if it had been legal, would she have had an abortion, she replied "I didn't tell anyone for 5 months, so it would have been too late anyway" She's now staunchly pro-choice, even going to marches. She has no idea the message she is sending to me and how devastating it is. We lived with my grandparents until I was 5. They loved me unconditionally 😊
"Mom" told me to my face at about 12 that she wished she'd never had me. I had felt it long before that from both of them though. She clearly resented my existence and allowed countless other people to abuse me on her behalf. She pretended she was protecting me and would claim to love me while telling me how everyone else was just tolerating me. Had no problem using me as a maid and human shield from my abusive "dad". This confused me terribly since she told me one thing and acted totally contrary. I felt ashamed for existing. Even after lots of therapy, it's still hard to trust other people's intentions if there's anything that doesn't perfectly match. My mind spins the story that it was all just a trick and that I'm only tolerated if I don't expect anything.
No child should have to feel like a burden. It saddens me deeply that children being unwanted is now going to become even more common. Forcing people to have children they don't want harms everyone.
Me too. My devil of a mother told me all the time that "I'm not worth the air I breathe, let alone the food I eat".
@@kristinburton4953 I'm sorry she told you such a cruel, vicious lie. Her opinion is what's worthless. You are so worthy to be here and to be loved. Sending energetic hugs to you if you want them.
@@rainbowconnected I'm sorry you had to endure that excruciatingly painful experience from your childhood. I hope you are guided to people who genuinely care for you as you deserve. Every living being deserves that love
@@rainbowconnected 💛 I do want them. Loving hugs to you.🧡
Thank you for sharing❤️
I have literally NEVER seen this topic covered. I knew it deep down, but didn't want to believe it for decades. The signs were all there and much later in my adulthood I finally had to accept it. I had matured enough to know I am certainly not alone, so that offered some comfort. Once I accepted this as a central fact to my childhood, it made everything so much clearer and I was able to move on and let it go.
This is powerful awareness. You've done such difficult work moving on and letting go. Thank you for your vulnerability❤
I have always heard that at least 1/3 of pregnancies aren't planned, and I have always supposed that this was the case by association. No one ever talks about it, though, just gets to live it.
Wanted for awhile and then everyone got bored of me around 7 years old. Grew up ignored and treated more like a live in maid and like I was suppose to already act like a mature adult. Even without guidance or emotional support or proper role models to mirror . I got more validation from the family pets and bonded with them instead.
Recognize it!
I'm not sure I'd know how to be a caring person at all if there wasn't the pets modeling caring
😢
You deserved better. Animals, arent they the best ❤
Me too. Wanted, then not. Something to do with losing attention from Dad. Not sure. Then on a later attempt by my Dad to diffuse/apologize to me: "You didn't ask to be born". I waited then like a boarder to come of age enough to disappear. Abandonement.
You were an unwanted child, but God look at you helping so many others HEAL ❤❤❤. Thank you
❤
If god exists why does it give children to people who didn’t want kids?
Yep. Your god is a sick fiend.
The first born in my family died in infancy. The family “joke” was that if they hadn’t died I would never have been born. I was the youngest of five. The last to be born. The scape goat. The freedom seeker. The truth teller. The banished. The free.
I’m sorry!
The drama queen.
Did you cringe when you were assumed to be the spoiled,pampered, loved baby by everyone bc it is a rampant sterotype about youngest born?
OVER 50% OF PEOPLE! You/We are not alone. ❤
Wow. Everything you described, I identify with. Thank you for talking about this! I'm about to turn 55 and its only in the past 2 years that I really have been able to accept myself and start to truly love myself and not accept anymore "crapfit" situations, thanks to the feelings of shame and being unwanted that I have experienced my whole life. I'm the 6th of 6 kids, born to parents of "the silent generation". I was able to finally reframe my experience to that of "its not me, its them" and get an inkling of how unprepared my parents were to be parents, and I felt so much relief. I have compassion for them, but I'm still working on releasing anger towards a narcissistic abusive father and a mother who did NOTHING to support or defend her children. My mother is 90 years old now, many of her children have very little to no contact with her (my father passed a few years ago) and I see her as a little old woman that is deserving of compassion, but she's never really been my mother in the true sense of the word. There's no "there" there between us. I'm single, no children, have a few good friends, but I pour my love into animal rescue and my teaching of 150+ students each year. I really enjoy making my home a safe place for my animals and my classroom a safe learning environment for my students. I hope to have a loving, intimate, healthy relationship soon. Your videos and shorts are always SO helpful! Happy New Year and love to you all reading this :)
Thanks so much for sharing your not so healthy childhood experience --- as the middle child among 3 daughters and perhaps the unwanted one because I came just under 2 years after my emotionally immature & abusive mother's first baby, I can relate to it. I'm happy to read about your now rich & fulfilling life and can also understand your distance from/ambivalence with/pity for your mother. It's complicated and there may be no final answers regarding how to relate with her (from my perspective coming from how I feel towards my own mother right now). I wish you & her well...❤
Thank you for sharing your story-it's inspiring to see how you've found self-acceptance and compassion despite the challenges you've faced, and I wish you continued healing and fulfillment in all areas of your life!❤
I can relate to so much of what you’re saying. 54yo, youngest of seven, mom told me at 16 that, after I was born , she had her tubes tied as soon as she could (sheep was almost. 43). my father was physically / verbally abusive to her. Shortly after I was born he moved to the family to a new province away from all of her family and Support. Depressed and drinking heavily. So I Scored 6/9. Not bad:) mom died in 99, dad 2012. If I really try I can eke out a “ wth did they do to me?” … But no anger. Compassion,yes. But they were two deeply flawed individuals. they are gone now and I can’t understand anger for angers sake.
Did you feel the anger first? Or the compassion? Which was more challenging to uncover? You sound like a lovely soul (and we need more of those). It sounds like you’re well on your way to a life of peace and hopefully happiness.
Your life that you created sounds wonderful 🌸 thank you so much for sharing 🩷 I hope you achieve all your dreams and desires 🙏🏽✨
My mom is this. She was a very late surprise baby. All her siblings were teenagers. This has resulted in very intense, and destructive behaviors in her life... which she tried to fix by having a family of her own. Surprise, it didn't magically fix her issues. Do the self work if you are able.
That's why i decided to never have children. How could i possibly give love when i got nothing but hate and neglect?
I was unwanted, and this is very real. I broke the cycle and planned and wanted both of my children. It was very important to me. ❤🎉
Celebrating you breaking the cycle! ❤
Cruel to say I didn’t want you ,but whole another level when mother says to your face I should have dumped you in the toilet …
And those cold 👀 …Minutes later she hug little sister . My presence irritates her
It’s so sad to be unwanted and unloved. Thank you for talking about this
It is sad, I agree. Grateful to be of support. ❤
This is also the experience of many adopted adults. You would think we were “wanted” but we disappointed them as we came with trauma from separation from our first mothers, and they are often narcissistic and felt entitled to a child.
I’d like to hear you speak about adopted adults.
Yes. Adoption is often just about a savorism & entitled complex.
As an adoptive parent, I'd love to hear more on this topic as well. I don't want to perpetuate the same mistakes. I think many adoptive parents are very naive about the realities of what they're getting into. I had no idea that although our daughter came to us at 11 days old, that the wounding and trauma would be so deep. At least now we have more resources and access to them so we can understand and support our children better. Trauma informed care is a must and it's fairly new, although it should be intuitive. I hope she speaks more on this topic. She has helped me care for my adoptive daughter's needs a lot already. I hope you are finding healing in your journey!
@@samanthashirley206 the fact that you understand this and want to address this makes my heart sing with hope. You are a rarity Samantha thank you.
For me, this was made worse b/c my parents ended up being able to have their own biological children. I have noticed this occurs with surprising frequency after years of trying to conceive and finally deciding on adoption. My mother took every opportunity to remind me I was her 'adopted child' and my sister was her 'firstborn!' Even as a small kid I knew her attitude was 'bananas!' (Kids now would say 'WTF!') My dad and grandparents treated me wonderfully, but my mom never bonded with me, even though I bent over backwards and twisted myself into pretzels to win her affection.
@@gardenbun They've figured that the correlation between adoption and fertility is the stress impacts reproductive functioning and success, so all those years trying too hard become counter productive. Once they relax a little after finalizing an adoption, function springs back into action.
Mom was 15. Dad was 16. My Mom made sure my whole life I knew I was unwanted and wrecked her future and so I "owed her." Neither parent matured beyond those ages- it stunted their maturity. Luckily, I had a one Grandparent who picked up all the slack of emotional fulfillment and boosting my self-esteem and I spent 50% of my time with them.
I'm so sorry you had to face that kind of emotional burden. It's incredible that your grandparent was there to offer you the support and love you needed.
@@TheHolisticPsychologist 💜
I was wanted by my father, who was sterile, but not by my mother. She wanted a boy, but had me instead. So I got ignored, overlooked, and emotionally neglected by her.I was rejected by her for being a girl. Even as an adult, she still speaks to me with great contempt, while speaking to my oldest sibling(her daughter, not my father's), and my brother who was born after me like they are the best thing that has ever happened to her. They are selfish, self-centered, and inconsiderate because she loves them unconditionally. I, on the other hand, walk on eggshells, am a perfectionist, and can't relax because I fear I'll get something wrong or speak too much truth for my mom's ego.
Though I greatly despise this dynamic and want to get as far away from my mom as possible, I don't resent or feel jealous of my siblings. She wanted them, and that's just the way it is.🤷♀️
You deserved a mother who loved and adored you, you still do. ❤May your days be filled with joy❤
Well you mother was wrong. Look how incredibly beautiful you are, you're more than welcome on this earth 😊
Gosh... (tears). I knew I was unwanted. Even as a child it felt as if I was on the outside, looking in. (That Christmas picture where the hungry child is outside in the snow, looking through the window to the family and warmth inside.) I was "fighting" for my mom's attention and affection for almost 50 decades before I finally realized that this was never going to happen. Cutting emotional ties with her and finally learn to love and accept myself, helped me to heal this wound. Our society is so screwed up, it is almost funny.
I take great comfort in knowing that I'm not alone. I wish more parents, where possible, would be so much more conscious of their choices and the lifelong impact that goes with it.
Grateful you're feeling less alone❤
My mother got pregnant with me at 16. She has a big family. I was surrounded by family and love but always felt deeply lonely and ashamed. though there was a lot of love, like most families, we have a ton ton of generational trauma, emotional neglect, general dysfunction, addiction, anxiety, mental health issues etc. Crippling anxiety and depression from as early as 6 years old. BPD, GAD, MDD diagnosis in late teens and several psych hospitalizations. No matter how much intensive therapy i had (at one point 3x a week) i couldnt pull myself out of it. Couldnt finish college...tried 4 times never getting past a semester. No career. barely able to hold down a job. Miraculously found a beautiful man 14 years ago who is now my amazing husband. 43 now and finally starting to get my footing. Starting to understand i have always been enough, i have been carrying generations of trauma that isnt mine on top of what is mine.
So glad you have your amazing husband and are now learning you've always been enough. Thank you for sharing❤
I feel like not enough conversation is had about the difference between not wanting a baby and not wanting to be a parent.
You mean the difference between not wanting a particular baby at that specific time vs not wanting to have kids ever?
I was one of the 50% she talks about here - from unmarried mother in a strictly Catholic community. In addition to my self-esteem and abandonment issues , as a teenager I decided to stay childfree, and stuck to this decision, and never regretted it.
@vickyd7541 I think I'm more referencing those for whom the baby isn't the issue, but lack of desire to "be" a parent is. The many ways that you must change your way of thinking, decision making, budgeting, how things affect you AND your kid, having to be depended upon for everything 24/7.
My mother wanted to be an addict. She wanted to be carefree and live only for her own enjoyment. Having a baby ensured my dad would provide for her. My dad wanted a means by which to control her and keep her tethered to him. Neither of them wanted to be parents, and they were terrible at it. But they did want a baby for various toxic reasons.
I thought something was wrong with me, that they didn't want to be a parent to ME. It took nearly 50 years for me to figure that out. 🧡
Neither of them were capable of nurturing, providing stability, offering guidance, or of loving, if I'm being honest. I don't forgive them and cut them off long ago, but I do understand what happened. Realizing it wasn't me changed my life! 🧡
I agree with you.
Some people want babies but lose interest when baby gets bigger. Once baby can't be silenced with a cookie or threats of violence then the parent is woefully unprepared 😢
Unfortunately, not all unwanted children are unplanned - kids are status symbols, leverage, marriage patches... People can just want status and neither a baby or parenthood, just status in a checklist way of presenting oneself.
I was the second unwanted child following my 11-1/2 month older sister. My parents were married only because my mom became pregnant and my Catholic dad and the church insisted. They didn’t want the pregnancy, the marriage or the second pregnancy.
My mom tells the story of how she went to the priest to say she didn’t want to have another baby with her cheating alcoholic husband who was creating chaos in her life. She says it was a nightmare.
The priest back in 1963 actually told her to go 6:49 ahead and use birth control which was unheard of… Apparently my dad said that is sinful and NO ! These are the circumstances around which i was conceived.
I feel for my mom, and my older sister and for me in utero for having to endure this.
I became the perfect good one and both mom and sister won’t ever understand my pain because they think I wasn’t impacted. Thanks 🙏🏻 ❤for this
I actually have to give mad props to that priest. He defied silly societal norms and abusive religious control and actually gave good advice.
@ me too! He was totally rad !
Yes I was unwanted child by my parents and yes I'm aware that their bad behaviours has nothing to do with me. I am worthy, good enough and lovable and there is no need to prove and looking for aproval by anyone for my own existence.
Yes, you are so worthy and good enough!
I wish you would touch on abortion here. Some people have one parent who wanted an abortion and the other didn’t- that is something that comes out eventually and the child has to live with that knowledge forever. Some parents even use it as a way of trying to comfort suicidal children. “If it had been up to me, you wouldn’t be here right now” oof.
Now that I’m finally diagnosed autistic as an adult, I see that I fully identify with this video not because of the examples written, but because I was neurologically different and didn’t fit my mothers expectations. As a side - thanks for all you do!
This was my mom. She told me she mourned the child she’d imagined I’d be.
Gee, thanks a lot, mom.
I was definitely unplanned. My parents already had a 16 year old and a 12 year old. My dad had also had a vasectomy 2 years prior to having me. So when my mom finally accepted the fact she was pregnant and told my dad, his first question was was it his. Of course, my mom was never unfaithful. So they then had to build onto their house to make room & start over. I basically raised myself in many ways and have always been outcasted by my family because I was so unexpected. It has affected me my entire life & this video explains how I feel 100%.
I'm really sorry you've had to experience that, but it's powerful that you're able to identify how it has shaped you, and I hope you continue to find healing and connection.
My mother told me ,” if you want to have anything don’t have kids”, “you can’t have anything if you have kids”, “ get married
But don’t have kids” etc of course she was pregnant five times…
Bloody hell, talk about hitting the nail on the head. Mind blown!! 🤯 My poor therapist has so much work to do. It’ll be hard to work through but I love wanting to work through this and heal myself and my relationships to live a better, happier and more peaceful life. 🙌🏻
My dad had already raised a family and didn't want more children, but my mom wanted her own, so they had us anyway. Neither parent was particularly available or attuned, though, and I always felt like a nuisance, always felt like I was in the way. Also, my mom's first pregnancy (the one before me) ended in a stillbirth, and I think she had a lot of anxiety and fear while pregnant with me, which I inherited in a huge way. Every day of my 37 years so far has been agonizing anxiety and loneliness. Your description here fits me to a tee.
My mother definitely wanted a daughter who played the part she wrote, and reflected back her perception of herself. She definitely wanted that daughter, but she didn't want *me* - she is currently not speaking to me because I asked that our communication be *reciprocal* she was so hurt by that request that she threw herself up on the cross, the victim of me. It's weird, you'd think she'd listen to me to prove I was wrong.
You told my story too! 😮
You deserved a better mother❤
I WAS wanted, but for all the wrong reasons.
My parents had three sons and wanted a girl. I was "born for the purpose" of being their carer essentially.
And that's what happened. I cared for my mother for nearly five years and she died about six weeks ago.
I identified with a lot of those points on your list.
Thank you for covering this. It's like you're telling my story. . I was the youngest of 5, and part of unplanned, undiagnosed twins when my mother was 44, back in 1970 with my closest sibling 8 years older. I always grew up not feeling wanted and lesser but not knowing what was missing. Growing up I heard the stories of how my parents almost put me up for adoption when I was born, until my older siblings stopped them. My mother had a psychotic break when she found out it was twins (me) and was hospitalized leaving my 12 year old brother to care for my infant sister and me while my father worked. She was always remote and emotionally unavailable, dealing with her own mental health issues. I'm working hard at reparenting my inner child who grew up without a mother's love.
I don’t believe parents do their best
Many don’t
And many either neglect you or purposely abuse
I swear, some people have kids so they have someone to treat like crap
@@WeetchBeetchI believe this too!
Me either, it irks me when people say that, because how do you know that? On the premise that they has unprotected sex alone?
@Jae-by3hf yeah, people make babies on accident all the time!
I feel like a crappy person. I am aware of all this now. But idk how to effectively change this dynamic in my current family. I want my children to feel loved and not unwanted!
🫂 often self healing is the first step, if your kids are older you can explain to them and ask them to allow you to help them heal and for me personally going to therapy and striving for that change is 💯 required, my own kid wasn't my choice, but I never want her to feel the weight of being unwanted, especially by me, so I did a lot of introspection and in four years I got to a point where I could look back and see how much more stable I became in my own self worth and how much that has affected her, she's much more free and childlike than she was❤
@RosesaurusRex what if you can't afford to go to therapy consistently? This is why I've had to do so much of my own personal development and self help because it's not possible for me
@@ElisabethCarns there are clinics that offer "pro bono" sessions you can also get some medical insurance assistance in most states that will help with the cost and whatnot. I'm not sure otherwise because I really needed the outside professional input. And while it's not ideal, if you have a kid under 18 and they go to therapy you can learn a lot of things about yourself by learning from their therapist who may also give you pointers on your own healing because ultimately your mental health affects their patients aswell 😊
@RosesaurusRex where do you go to seek pro bono assistance?
@ElisabethCarns I would start with calling my local department of human services and seeing if they have a list, and if not I would call around to some of the offices and see if they have any or if they know anyone that does, I live in a small town so they all know each other here locally.
I just have started to slowly accept that yrs 0-2 were already traumatising, and now I've got to add another 9 months to that? Damn.
All of this checks out for me. What's weird is that I didn't care about my parents not expecting me. We even joked about it growing up. But I have all the 'impacts' of it. Is it possible that it affected me and I wasn't aware? Psychology is wild
I feel for you. I admire you. Thank you for helping us.
So grateful and honored to be of support❤
Wow! Thanks…😢…..this video has helped me understand why I feel like I do about myself . Good start in helping me heal emotionally. God bless you…🙏❤️
So grateful this video was supportive for you❤
As a child I was told repeatedly by my Mom that I was supposed to be a boy. She would even laugh and tease me about it saying that for the first three years of my life, that they called me George. My Dad never said this to me, only my Mom and she showed it daily and repeatedly throughout my childhood. Name calling, cruel teasing, put downs, being hit and humiliations were just a part of life. I tried my very best to be the invisible child, to avoid being hit by my older sister who was wanted and adored or being hit or emotionally hurt by our Mom. Our Mom passed away at too young of an age 49, I forgive her as I don't think she knew any better. I finally had to go no contact with my sister as she never stopped the emotional abuse that was so fully accepted, almost expected towards my very existence. And yes, I do or have done all of what you mentioned as a result.
Not me, but my middle sibling. Breeds jealously, big time. I was THE wanted child. Lifetime trouble 😢
My mother wanted to abort me, other family members were dragging off her decision so it was too late to do it.
My nervous system in a womb sensed a danger,a life threat.
My body is in a freeze mode- I have a contact wound which is I dont orgasm, I am numb,no sexual feelings in my body.
My mother was a victim type of a person. She did not open the door for my father to see me, I grew up with no father.
I do some somatic therapy now.
You explain my life.
Although for the first 8 weeks of my life I was put up for adoption. This back in 1966 was a 12 week process. My mother was in trauma as a single 19 year old. My "father" also got another girl pregnant.. I don't know who he is.
Back then these young mothers had to look after the child during the adoption process without getting attached.
Long story short, my grandmother said that my mother should keep me and cancelled the adoption 8 weeks in to the process.
The first 2 years of my life was moving between different homes because my mother was unable to stay with her parents, they made her life hell.
I agree your body holds that trauma... the feeling of being unloved or worse unlovable used to overwhelm me.
After having two stand in fathers and 52 years got me to break all contact with my mother.
Healing is a life long process..
I thank Yah for my life now ❤
I was the first child, conceived to trick my father into marriage, and once they married my mother wanted me gone and resented my presence in my father’s life (and definitely in hers). My father never knew that she had planned the pregnancy as a tool/trick to get him to marry her but she told me as I was leaving home to go to university. In retrospect it devastated me, especially when they moved continent within the year leaving me behind. It’s taken me decades to see the truth and understand my feelings.
Send this to all the older people bullying and guilt tripping because they want grandkids.
Having a child because it's expected of you or because it will please someone else when it's not what you actually want is going to be terrible for the kid long term. They're going to know eventually.
Thank you ❤ ending message was the best thing ever
Grateful to be of support! Thank you for being here and tuning in.
@ you as well my friend, you keep doing amazing things you do for us allies we got your back and so much more 🌺💕🙏🏽✨
I was not a planned child. Mom was 20 and unmarried. I never had a father either. I know she loves me now that I’m an adult and on my own, but when I was a child dependent on her, I felt like a huge burden.
This makes me sad. My daughters dad left when I was pregnant with her so I raised her completely on my own. I’m sure she feels similar 😢.
My father never wanted children and my mother thought she wanted 2 or 3 children. They "compromised" and I was born. My father didn't change his mind, and when he found out I didn't have the decency to be a boy to help make up for existing he was even angrier. He got a vasectomy in secret a month after I was born. He was abusive to me and made sure I knew he hated me for taking my mother's attention away from him. Luckily they divorced when I was 15. I had as little contact as I could. I cut off contact completely a few years ago, I'm 47 now. My mother liked being a mom until I was about 18 months. By then she had grown tired of having to carry me around, etc. So she put me on our busted up driveway figuring the pain would prove if I could walk. Apparently I got up and ran to the grass and sat back down, and she never had to carry me again. Turns out what she really wanted in life was to be single and not have kids. I was always being told to leave her alone. It only got worse when I became disabled at 19. It wasn't the case for my parents, but people need to leave others alone when it comes to insisting they have kids. An unloved, unwanted, and abused child shouldn't have to go through all of that because you want a grandtoy or whatever.
💛
The moment you said someone might be feeling a reaction in their body i did feel it- Now i have more solid intel how to work with that energy. Good grounded video. Thank you.❤❤❤
So grateful and honored to be of support. Thank you for tuning in to this one❤
My mother had me at 18 and was sent to a home for unwed teen mothers. My mother is the definition of ‘the still face experiment’. No emotions other than anger. Just the two of us with some contact with her parents, but no one else. Just completely alone. I’ve never understood how to connect with anyone. I don’t understand most of it and would rather be alone or with animals. Of course I don’t have my own family. I don’t have friends and I struggle to have enough money. My anxiety around people is so bad that I can only get on certain buses and I don’t want to be seen anytime. There’s no help. How do you heal when you have a lifetime of proof that you are unloved?
When I was in elementary school my Mom told me I was an accident. I thought it was funny at the time. They already had four children and she was 40 (in the early 1960's). Also, I think she had a mild form of depression, and emotions weren't a focus in our household. I have experienced most of these symptoms and am trying to reparent myself now.
It’s powerful that you’re working on reparenting yourself, and I hope you find the healing and emotional support you deserve.
It's a lot more than 50%. For reasons as simple as Shame, most people will not be authentic and honest when asked if they had children for really wanting them. Religion and society would verbally punish harshly those parents.
Agreed, I was shocked that the figure was only 50%!
Oh my..😢 I am so glad you are addressing this. I am 13/17 years behind my siblings. From earliest memory I heard how I was “ The Oops” child, as if this was just hilarious.. to my family.
I'm sorry you had to hear that, but it's wonderful that you're finding a way to address and process those feelings now.
I can relate to this topic. I like the message at the end. Today what matters is that I want me.
Thank you for this. ❤ both my younger sister and I were unwanted. I was an accident and she was supposed to be a boy. My parents were forced to get married back in the seventies as it was the “right” thing to do. I never realised what an impact this alone has had on my life. I can relate to all of the examples listed. 🙏🏼
This rings true to my experience, although I never really thought of it in those terms.
My mother got pregnant at 19, shotgun wedding to my apparently sweet but very alcoholic 19 year old father. I suppose I was technically unwanted and there was a lot of stress/violence/lack of money etc until they split up a few years later (never saw my father again). It's strange because I know my mother loved me but also that I was basically neglected and also absorbed all her anxiety (which was extreme!).
I know that they did their best and I find it hard to blame anyone--but I definitely connect to that list of impacts.
This is very similar to my origen story. I don't think it's about "blaming" anyone, because 19 year-olds did the best they could with what they had. It's more about understanding that trauma was passed on to us, so that we can break the chain and not pass it on to our own children.
@@theresamcgallicher I agree totally. My mother had a very traumatic childhood. I am so grateful to be alive at a time when these issues are more understood, and to have the awareness that I now have.
Thank you so much…so much for this video. My mom had me at 18. Worked all the time. Left me to be babysat by family members. They were all I knew. I didn’t see much of my mom until it was too late, I was a freshman in high school when she graduated nursing school and got a really good job. By then, . I was already who I was and to me there was no point of trying a better relationship bc I was broken.
Wow. This video brought me to my knees. I’m a twin, Baby B, born back in the day before sonograms. I was a ‘surprise’, an unexpected baby. All through my childhood, I’d hear things like, ‘After your sister was born, the Dr. said, Wait, here comes another one.’ ‘Your Mother freaked out when she found out, at the last minute, she was twins.’ ‘We didn’t have another name picked out. for her’ ‘Could you imagine giving birth to one child, then finding out there’s another one.’ After seeing this, I have tears in my eyes. I never considered an unplanned twin as being an ‘unwanted’ child, but I check all the boxes… and although I never heard or felt this from my Mother, my extended family, have never let me forget.
My mom told me that I was wanted and planned. She said she prayed for a dark-haired girl and got one. I felt that she didn't want me, but a replacement of her sister that died. I even look a little like her.
I don't believe that my dad wanted another kid at all. My brother was 18 months older than me and they were broke. I even asked as a child if I was planned. Mom always said yes. I kept questioning her one time until she got mad and said, "No, is that what you wanted to hear?" I felt okay with it because it felt honest, and I felt that the way I was treated finally made sense.
My mother was good and ready to file for divorce but then she found out she was pregnant with me. Forty something years later and she’s still reminding me
I was raised by my mother and grandmother it was an unusual dynamic that my mom was the golden child, and after she died my grandmother flat out told my sister and me she wished we were never born, and she meant it. Thanks, grandma.
It’s great to hear this. I was unwanted at the time but wanted eventually. Thank goodness you were born to help all of us ❤
My mother was 45 when I was born. This was in the 1950's. Her relationship with my father was not good. Finances were precarious. My experience of her was that she was about as psychologically absent as a human being could be. She pretty much never spoke to me. After hearing what you had to say about what almost certainly was her psychological and physical situation I think I maybe know more and I now understand something about her and about growing up. Maybe I will one day be able to let go of the pain.
Another situation is when a woman becomes pregnant too soon after having a baby. It can become overwhelming from the moment she finds out.
Relate to it all. At 55 though I feel it's all too ingrained to make any significant changes now but it does help to intellectualize and re-frame the why. Thank you for your videos. They are immensely validating.
I’m glad the videos have helped validate your experiences, and even though it may feel ingrained, it’s never too late to find healing and growth at any age.
@@TheHolisticPsychologist appreciate the reply. Wishing you much success for the year ahead. 🙂
I have never heard this discussed, but it’s so important. This was super informative, helpful, and healing. Thank you.
Thank you for talking about this.
❤
Ive finally come to this level of awakening after years of being told im the fortunate one, being adopted by another family as compared to my brother. But as i was growing up, i often felt like an option. Like i could easily be returned to my father everytime i did something wrong, or worse i argued to stick my ground. It is so much emotions to deal with, and here i am kind of feeling super crippled by everything and the lack of motivation to do anything productive at all - without the strong sense of self and inner security😢. I dont even know how to heal from here anymore
Wow!! You have no idea how much you have helped me with this video. Thanks so much for talking about this.
The unwanted child. How about a son and daughter who were adopted to "save" their adopted parent's marriage. And when their marriage remained toxic, the father blamed the children. My brother (six) and I (four) were fooling around one day, and my father got angry because he was in a foul mood and we were too loud. My father yelled at us. I went into silent, shutdown mode, and when my brother thought my father was out of hearing range, he mimicked my father to make me laugh. My father came storming back into the room and said, "You two had better not be laughing at me. Because, if it weren't for you two, I could go back to (insert country) and be happy." That day, my whole world changed, and I became a people pleaser. No boundaries. I felt like I was responsible for everyone's happiness. I became the peacemaker, the fixer, and lived in this toxic situation for 56 years until my father's death, as my mother wouldn't leave him. Even though I left home at 16 and was out for good at 17, I still felt trapped in this toxicity as my mother called every night to complain about her situation for hours. My mother liked the lifestyle he provided, the house, etc., more than she cared about removing us from this situation. I was shamed that day, and another day, I told a friend that I was adopted. My friend didn't believe me, so we went to my house, and my mother was mortified that I had said to her that I was adopted. I felt really bad about myself and felt like they had lied to me when they said being adopted was a good thing. I realized then that it wasn't. I was ashamed of my circumstances to the point where I thought I had to do anything and give anything in order to have friends. Talk about parentified. I would love to hear something about adopted children who were resented after becoming part of a family and how that has impacted them. Thank you. I have done a tremendous amount of work on myself. It wasn't easy. I have forgiven. But, sometimes, I still feel stuck or don't speak up for myself. I still, at times, shut down.
I’m deeply moved by your story and the strength it took to work through all of that; it’s clear you’ve made tremendous progress, and I hope you continue to find healing and the courage to fully embrace your voice.
@@TheHolisticPsychologist ♥ Thank you kindly.
This is so weird.... it's scary! I have almost all these symptoms. But my parents never actually told me I was unwanted, they even spoiled me... I'm the youngest female with three older brothers (with at least ten years of difference) and I do know i wasn't planned. Also that they didn't know I was a girl until I was born and my mother had already accepted she was going to have a boy. I do have cptsd, and I never considered this... I'm freaking out a bit...
Thank you for this great supportive video ❤
I am telling myself that I am here in this world because God loves me and He created me, not because I happened to be my parents mistake
Yes 100%
I never felt unwanted (although I was neglected in other ways) until my mom got remarried to a man with no children. She wanted him and nothing else and told my sister and I we were the reason why her relationship with my stepdad failed.
So real 😢
Sending you a lot of love❤
My parents only wanted 2 kids, they only had 2 pregnancies and a week before my twin sister and I were born they found out that there was 2 babies. I have felt like the unwanted child most of my life.
I am 10 yrs sober… I can reflect that I imagine it was stressful as hell to have a baby room for one baby and bam there is two…. And I had an extremely needy older brother.
I’ve done a lot of work around the shame of being born. I’m the cycle breaker in the family ❤
I really wish my ex went to therapy to unpack trauma from being unwanted. He was born out of wedlock and I think his conservative family caused him a lot of stress and guilt and that trauma really weighed on him and caused friction in our relationship.
Thank you!!!
Thank YOU for tuning in to this one. ❤
I've previously commented on your video with Mel Robbins about this topic.
A massive THANK YOU to both you and Mel for helping the likes of me feel both seen and understood.
I come from a very dysfunctional family, with both Generational Trauma and Narcissism involved.
One of the worst-kept family secrets is that one of my cousins was conceived before my aunt and uncle were married - they were already planning the wedding anyway, but in Rural very Catholic Ireland in the late 60's it would have been seen as a disgrace for a bride to be pregnant, especially in a very upstanding, pillars of the community family like mine.
My mother had a traumatic birth of my older sister, severe pre-eclampsia, hospitalised on bed rest for weeks, with my sister then being born prematurely. This was a couple of months after my aunt and uncle's wedding.
My cousin was born about 7 months after the wedding.
My very matriarchal grandmother's solution to a potential scandal was to allocate the Prematurity Story to my cousin.
Obviously my father was forced to go along with this, it was his domineering mother after all, but this incident led my parents down a road that almost ended in divorce. My mother had planned to take my older sister, then only about 6 months old, and leave! She had already made arrangement s with some of her own siblings.
The only thing that stopped the divorce was mum finding out she was pregnant with me. She would have left with one child, ridden out the storm of a failed marriage and got back on her feet, but she couldn't do this with 2 children.
My mother saw me as the reason why she couldn't divorce, and my father saw me as the reason that his marriage didn't fall apart.
Growing up, as a small child my mother would often hurl he "If it hadn't been for you ..." accusation at me.
I grew up feeling unwanted, abandoned, lonely and ashamed.
Understanding how my journey started, and where these feelings came from, is helping me reparent myself and start to heal.
Keep up your amazing work!
Thank you for sharing your powerful story-it's inspiring to see how you're using this understanding to reparent yourself and heal, and I’m so glad my work is helping you along that journey.❤
I was technically planned, but I also knew for my entire life that my existence was to make sure my older sister wasn't an only child. On top of that, my mother was 35 and my parents' marriage was already failing, so maybe I was a last attempt to keep the family together even if its never been said out right. And maybe a last chance for my dad to have a son, though he will probably never admit it. Later, I also became the second chance when my sister didn't live up to my mother's expectations, specifically for her dream to become a grandmother. I relate to ever point under the adult impact section. Does being wanted for the wrong reasons effect a child the same being unwanted does?
I always love listening to you, thank you!!
Thank you for covering this. I was born nearly a decade after my siblings and relate to this content.
Dearest Holistic, what a nightmare for you. IT TAKES A LIFETIME TO WAKE UP FROM THIS SOMETIMES. Even when you get help, it seems you're still very alone about it all. No one around you wants to help. Mother made sure that we kids didn't associate with each other. But we had to make her look good. Insanity. You've done so much for all of us with these videos. I pray that someone is caring for you. Defending you. I'm grateful you walk with us.❤🙏💪🇺🇲😐, Patricia
I didn't think about things this way until i was around 30. I just thought everyone automatically hated me. It wasn't until my ex husband raped me and I had my own unwanted child that it hit me. I realized how much I was damaging my own child and I hated myself for being such a horrible person. We still need help for this. Too many counselor's and therapists just can't realize or wrap their heads around actual trauma.
I am so sorry!
Sending love! ❤
Again, but the greatest gratitude for this one, seriously. The best companion read, generally, is It Didn't Start With You by Mark Wolynn. For posterity.
That's such a great book! Appreciate you tuning in to this one❤
I’m actually the oldest but my parents were busy finishing their educations and I had a lot of babysitters. I relate to almost all the symptoms described so I think this applies to me, especially because when my sibling was born it was such a difference. My parents were more stable when my sibling was born and my mom became very preoccupied with them. While I felt like I was mostly ‘just there’. My parents never took interest (and maybe didn’t have the emotional capacity to) in trying to deeply know me and teach me to know myself.
SOO explains my life!!! 😢❤❤❤. Externally WANTING validation but I sure am GRATEFUL God has called me early on in my life. ❤
A one night stand when there was still huge stigmas for either abortion or single parents. A years after roe v wade. My mom’s family also did not want her to have me. I walked away many years ago, and my parents died young. The feeling in my body never relents. Years of therapy, counseling, etc. but it is something managed, not cured…
My whole family consists of drinkers (not mom but mostly they are), so whenever I was going through this toughest time with that extreme loniless and not being needed by my daughter anymore and grieving I started drinking (covid was the catalyst) and I could see how that was my anxiety med (which made it even worse), it was a "friend" when I felt lonely, many more coping tactics that wine served me. And as I waa glung through therapy for my PTSD after rhe hurricane we touched my mother trauma and boom I am compeltely sober for about 14 months now. I don't even remember that I used have it when I felt certain type of way, I was seriously addicted then, but it was just that moment I was done,my last couple of glasses made me remember how pathetic I felt. It was aweful. As I quit drinking and not having anything else to cope, just therapy in the past, meditations, breathing and vagus nerve stimulation, my anxiety is almost mon existent now. 🙏 but I still get this loneliness time to time. And being a perfectionist! I learned a long time where did I come from it has been a life long battle. I call myself "a perfectionist in recovery" as its still a fine line
I was born + adopted in 1950s Liverpool, England. My mother chose to give me to strangers. I was 1-month old. I have often thought that IN UTERO I knew she was going to give me away. She already had a 9-year old 'kept' child + had another 'kept' child 3years after having me. My adoptive 'parents' were perverse, my 'mother' sexually. I fit nowhere. My original Birth Certificate along with my identity + history were nullified + my new Birth Cert. was fictitious. I will be an adoptee until I die. 5years ago my daughter gave me DNA test as a present. I hid it away. A couple of years later we found my older half-sibling - I had applied for my original Birth Certificate + knew my birth name + my mother's name - + my daughter asked if I would now like to do the DNA test. 68%Irish the rest Baltic, Finn + East European. Half-sib insisted my father was French - here there is a mystery.
thank you
Thank YOU for tuning in. ❤
Can a video be made about how a fathers behaviors of not wanting a child affect the child?
There may be a majority of children who feel this way due to the parent's realization of all the responsibilities that are required into being a parent. It's taken by the parents as the end of their freedom and the introduction to additional duties for the next 2 decades (Minimum). Not to mention the financial issues that may arise. Regardless of a planned or unplanned child, the guilt of not being responsible is a very negative and destructive emotion, which can lead to abnormal behavior. Just my take on the matter.
Hey, it’s me! ❤
Too painful to talk about. So many things you said hit home. Being abandoned, trust issues, thinking I have to be perfect to be loved, pushing people away. The list is endless. Planned by my mother, unwanted by father who left when I was two months old. Too much of a responsibility he said. Always felt like it was my fault he left. That I should've never been born.😢💔
I'm so sorry you went through that. It wasn't your fault, it was his. Infants have zero power or control, so it's impossible that you caused him to do anything. He chose that. Which is still painful and cruel to do to child. It's a reflection on him, not your lovableness or worth.
For whatever it's worth, I'm glad you're here and I hope you heal enough to feel that way about yourself. Hugs to you if you want them.
Dank je wel heel waardevolle oefening. ❤
Thank you ❤
Thank YOU for tuning in!
Yeah, this adds a lot of context. Mom was 37, thought she was going to have a 3rd son, but wanted a daughter. Father certainly never wanted a 3rd child. So, my value was all about how how much I fit her ideal of girlishness. I've come to the realization very recently, that I am NB... . Thankfully, DH has been steadfast and loving for 30+ years, and I've healed so much. But, the scars remain.
I was an unexpected child, unwanted...and my mother was older. My deep core wound is feeling like I was not enough, still working on loving myself as I am.
"Mom" told me in adulthood she never loved "Other Parent" and only agreed marry them, because she got pregnant with me.
In my late teens, "Other Parent" figured out they where trans . "Mom" was given chose let "Other Parent" transition or stay the gender they were assigned to at birth, "Mom" picked divorced and quickly went bar hopping. Within a year she got remarried and fouced a father-daughter relationship with "Step-Father" until his death. She doing this again with her live-in boyfriend.
I love both my moms, but hated growing up with "Birth Mother," who tries to force the perfect picture family and competed with the other biological parent to this day. I'm adult now with my own place, but "Birth Mom" still treats me like I'm child under her roof, but act like a child herself when she doesn't get her way. "Mom II" show me love by respecting me, my interest and boundaries more.
I hit all the points, but my parents always told me that I was loved and wanted. I always felt different, probably due to autism. even once asked my parents if I was adopted. but they showed me fotos of me as baby at the hospital, so I think they're my true parents. could it be that due to being bullied and left out by peers through my whole school career could also be the source for these feelings?
I had both, autism and unwanted
That makes total sense that not having a sense of belonging with peers could cause some similar feelings. This world does not tend to make us autistic folks feel wanted or that we have a place.
Are you parents neurotypical? If so, I could imagine that even though they loved you, there might be some communication differences that got in the way of connection and feeling the love between y'all. So maybe through no fault of your own, their loving gestures didn't land with you, leaving you with just the words and not a felt sense of love. I think for most people, feeling understood is a big part of feeling loved and that might have been missing because it tends to be harder to achieve that understanding between different neurotypes. And sadly often, the expectation is that autistic folks work harder to understand the neurotypical folks with not much reciprocity on their part. Obviously, if they didn't know at the time, that could have amplified said disconnect.
Hammer on the head! Great explanations! Super valuable information, really. Great job beautiful soul!
Thank you for ACE scale, it brought me to your channel.
I was wanted and planned for up until the moment I was born the unwanted gender (girl). Affected me my whole life. To this day -- I'm 70 now -- I go quietly nuts when I hear would-be parents say they're "hoping" or "trying" for specific gender baby.
My mom was 15, early 70's before Roe v Wade. When I asked her at the age of 12 if it had been legal, would she have had an abortion, she replied "I didn't tell anyone for 5 months, so it would have been too late anyway" She's now staunchly pro-choice, even going to marches. She has no idea the message she is sending to me and how devastating it is. We lived with my grandparents until I was 5. They loved me unconditionally 😊
and then when that parent passes, it’s an added torrent to mourning and grieving that loss.