Borderline Personality Disorder and the "Trail of Destruction"
Вставка
- Опубліковано 12 тра 2024
- This video answers the question” What is the “trail of destruction” that we see associated with borderline personality disorder. Some time ago, I made a video on narcissistic personality disorder and the trail of destruction associated with that and I had a number of requests to specifically look at borderline personality disorder in the same way. When I use the term “trail destruction,” I'm really talking about the negative outcomes in terms of functioning, interpersonal relationships, career, financial, and physical health that we see associated with certain disorders, including Cluster B personality disorders. The trail of destruction isn't unique to borderline personality disorder or personality disorders in general. We see this with substance use disorder, bipolar disorder, schizophrenia, intermittent explosive disorder, paranoid personality disorder, and obsessive-compulsive disorder. There are also a number of other disorders that have this same type of pattern.
This term - trail destruction - is a colloquial term we see in the popular culture and we don't really see it in the research literature. There are a lot of different terms that are similar that we also see used in the popular culture like borderline chaos, borderline tornado, borderline radioactivity, destructive whirlwind, and borderline toxicity.
My ex wife has BPD. I let it severly damage my own mental health by trying to unconditionally support her. Don't sacrifice your own mental health in support of other's as there is a good chance it could lead to 2 persons struggling with mental breakdowns. Be very careful!
Frightening but very true, 'don't try to save a drowning man!'
I'm starting to believe my partner has this. It's all adding up. After so many years it has definitely done damage.
Same with my ex-husband. Lived with him for 15 years. Been separated for 5, and he is still harassing me. I only stayed involved because we have a daughter together. She is now 16, and I have finally reached the point, where I am done with him. It is only because of her I kept getting caught in his net. It has been awful. I thought if I loved him enough and he felt secure I would not leave him, he would be better...nope, he just kept taking advantage of that and tormenting me, and finally I couldn't take it anymore and had to leave. Sometimes, they really don't want to recover.
@@Analyticalinadream 12 years and their the good looking one with all the friends so I'm the bad guy.
I'mm learning this lesson the hard way
My father subjected the family to frequent violent, angry outbursts. He was hospitalized twice for "nervous breakdowns", but the cessation of violence was only temporary. As a result of this, I've been told this is what caused my mother, my siblings and I to become very submissive. None of us offspring married nor developed long term domestic relationships of meaningful duration. My sister and I are the last living members of our family and we have learned to accept that. Now, I'm learning much of the vocabulary that pertained to our highly dysfunctional family.
Same with my four siblings but divorce stats are v high & fall out with kids a real tragedy..So🙏
J Johnson I was also a victim of domestic violence so I relate to you..
Same here, my father's abuse probably influenced my brother, sister and I to have never gotten married.
Bpd waste of space,
My childhood was pretty much the same. Now sadly I see same characteristics in myself. I struggle almost daily because of it. Life doesn't seem to have anything positive to look forward.
1. Frantic efforts to avoid abandonment.
2. Unstable relationship pattern. Love Hate cycle. Splitting. It’s all good or all bad.
3. Identity disturbance. Unstable and feel empty. No stable self image.
4. Impulsivity harmful behaviors.
5. Suicidal behaviors / threats.
6. Emotional disregulation. Not reliable esp in workplace. Unpredictable. .
7. Chronic feeling of emptiness. Need people too much. Attention seeking.
8. Inappropriate intense anger - most important - aggression and physical violence. BPD spouse can endure all others but not anger and physical violence. Spouses try to help but anger is too much & cant endure it. It’s too much. This is most significant in trail of destruction.
9. Paranoid ideation - drives people away. Abandonment fears.
THANK YOU!
I’ve learned so much & it makes sense to what I went through.
Not all BPD's demonstrate physical violence. Many are reliable. Maybe over reliable because they want to please.
That's a great point and also it's a great list I'm new and I'm learning how to deal with this because this sounds like me alot
Mel wow. My ex possessed almost all of these traits
I agree that not all are violent. I’m dealing with someone with BPD and knew nothing about it previously.
Dr Grande’s explanation are very helpful with me learning what the heck is going on.
I really feel sorry for this person.
I have a friend who is bpd ,she's very calm, soft voice,but always paranoid.ecery topic she want to evalute,could even trigger their suicidical thoutht. I also know another bpd very calm reaaonabe women both. Even though i later realizes its all fake and stange managed nobody with about smile like a narcissist and Bpd ,you might think their happines are real,smile real,all are stanged managed while observing how,to manuplate afterwards..
I met someone with BPD when I was already at a bad point in my life. She told me she was diagnosed with it and I tried to empathize with her. Looking back I should have seen it for the huge warning sign that it was. It never occurred to me to protect myself.
I think people fail to understand that this is not helped with friendship, love or understanding. People with BPD need treatment. Trying to help will only hurt your own mental health.
As someone with undiagnosed BPD, I can tell you it can be helped. I have learned to control and mostly stop my rages, over time. Biggest help in it has been my love to my wife, whom I would never hurt, and don't want to see distressed. My wife's understanding and love have been the biggest things to help me overcome these intense feelings, that I have not been able to control in the past. I have tried to get psychiatric help, but have been diagnosed with depression over 15 years ago, thus nothing further has or probably will ever happen about it. Get labeled into a category once, it's for life. I do understand one wanting nothing to do with a BPD though, but saying one cannot be helped by love and understanding is very inaccurate and closeminded. Of course it's not acceptable behaviour.
Put yourself first.
Amen! Your story is my same story.
100% I damn near lost my mind and more…I have been away for 7 months no contact…until yesterday I’m reading comments to keep me away thank you for sharing
@@mikejooones1050 hey man I hear you. Good job staying away until now! Just try to remember there’s nothing there for you. If you still feel that need to be there for her, just keep in mind what has already happened. You deserve better. God bless!
The inappropriate anger episodes were the end for me. I never knew when they were coming, and there was no trigger for them that I could avoid. It made me incredibly anxious, and physically sick diminishing my immune system. I got shingles. I went to the hospital thinking I was having a heart attack. And I was depressed. Of course, the good parts kept me in the relationship. I started to notice that she would do, (or say), something hurtful then she would watch my reaction. She, was enjoying me being hurt. She was, “sadistic." And, despite the many good qualities she had, this behavior was a deal breaker. My own health outweighed her good qualities. I miss those good qualities, but I don’t miss the her mental illness or lack of empathy.
that's a narcissist imo
My brother's long term ex did very similar things but wouldn't acknowledge that stuff. She married less than a year after she left the other guy she was cheating with and her now ex husband eventually related the same issues. Every guy tried to rescue her and were burned.
@@reneegardner2286 The are some trait similarities in the Cluster B group.
@@johngarrity6687 I know this sounds awful, but after experiencing diagnosed borderline personality in former friends, I can't stick around if I see the traits and no effort to get treatment. I'm not dealing with the unnecessary stress and pain. My mental health comes first.
Could that be covert narcissism?
I know well the angry attacks from nowhere or the subtle rejecting behaviour - then that sideways look to see how you are reacting. Then that ‘cat who got the cream’ look if a hit has been scored.
Run away!!!!
My ex had borderline and the burnout is completely real.... No matter what I did, no matter how much I was there for her, it was never enough. She was basically a black hole. I could throw an entire planet in there and it wouldn't be enough. And finally when I got completely burnt out, I had to get away from her In order to basically save my sanity and soul, she looked at that as me "abandoning her". I could never win no matter what. just find out if somebody has borderline early on that way you can avoid what is basically hell.
funny thing is a borderline fears abandonment, but they will abandon you without any remorse.
Exactly
You are speaking nothing but the truth.
Dude...uh yeah. 20 yrs of .......... with her as the mom of my kids. No words.
@@jayc342009 yep and make up stories where you wronged them
Finally after getting diagnosed and a lot of research, I have discovered I am largely responsible for the inter personal destruction in my life with lovers/friends and now I am beginning to get a clearer picture of what I was like (I didn't see it and inveribly blamed my partners and friends for the "abandonment" I feel) I now realise how difficult it must of been to be with me and the damage I caused to so many people and I have had to take responsibility for that, I have found I am better off alone now, no one should be expected to put up with the abuse I dished out on a daily basis, I now see why I am alone and have always felt that way and I don't want to continue to inflict this kind of pain on anyone else, but this explains everything but excuses nothing
I dumped my bpd girlfriend. I think it was the best way to deal with the situation. I agree i think its good for bpd while getting treatment to be single. If you dont have a partner a partner cant leave you. Therefor no problem with abondentment issue since you cant be left. While working on yourself maybe one day you can have a healthy relationship. There is hope that treatment might work. I bet my ex belives i hate her for all crazy things. I dont. I broke up for both our safety. Its only egoistic to put up with it just to have your partner. She doesnt deserv to feel guilt for things she cant control and i dont deserv the treatment. It was my best option. I do feel sorry for her because her mother treats her like everything she does is someone else faults. She is co dependent with her so it was natural ly hard for me to create healthy boundries as soon as I did her mother was on me and called me cruel and that i should understand that she is mentally ill and just accept it. And yes her mother has some disorder too as I just dont know which. Takes lots of calming pills etc. Both smoke pot to be able to co excist. The thing im trying to say is you sound very smart and ive been with bdp person and its not easy for neither. Im glad you found great help. Keep working on yourself and best of luck. I dont see any purpose of being a kid and hate because ive been a victim. When it comes to bdp we are all victims even the bdp person. I hope you come out the other end of finally managing your feelings and can have a normal life
I wish you all the best ❤️
I will be staying alone now too..
I hurt someone I loved very badly and it scares me..
Xxx
@@nicolameikle3976 when you realise that, it's a hell of a thing to accept due to the ingrained "victim" mindset, but good luck on your journey Nicola
@@bauhausbastard thank you 🤗
@@nicolameikle3976 strong resolution! Takes courage to admit but also the big step for being open to work on yourself and what you need! Just because you done wrong doesnt mean you can become better! You dont deserve bdp, no one does! Not easy having all that guilt up but atleast you recognice your wrongdoing and dont play victim! That means you can change! Big big step, makes me happy to read!
I think this is my sister. She's been this way since a child. You try to stick it out, but she treats you like the enemy no matter how kind and generous you are. She constantly is on the attack. She always has to be hyper-focused on bullying someone. When they leave her life, she starts bullying the next closest person. It's frightening
That sounds more like psychopathy.
My sister too. The false allegations she has made against me the past ten years is devastating. Her daughter, my niece, is even worse. The lies, guilt trips, blackmailing they have both done to my mom is disgusting. My niece also has a shopping addiction, is a hoarder, alcoholic, unreliable at work..Neither one has any self awareness and refuse therapy. They have just about torn my entire family apart. We have to take care of ourselves- support our own mental, emotional and physical health.
She is a narcissist.
@@PlanetOfTheApes999 Or narcisdist - real NPD.
@@PlanetOfTheApes999 narcissistic sociopath is the general term in psychology
I used to work in Skid Row servicing the homeless in Los Angeles. I was so naive, I was convinced love could cure it all, even irrational anger.
After a few encounters with life threatening situations where angry clients would attack coworkers erratically, I left that job. It was so sad to learn of therapists who got killed by their patients in their own offices in the course of providing treatment. 😣
People who angrily demand that the mentally ill get the treatment they deserve, have no idea how challenging and dangerous of a job that can be.
You know about therapists who have been killed by their patients? How are we suppose to go get licensed without shitting our pants when you hear shit like this
@@stanzaschulz4339 BPD patients are almost universally abused by their own therapists. The therapists themselves break down and show dangerous BPD symptoms...the lies spread about people who suffer this way are breathtaking. Nobody can get a therapist if they talk truthfully about any BPD symptoms. Also if they don't but start feeling betrayed in an initial encounter and then the therapist gets defensive...the person can easily end up getting locked up for no real reason. Just to shut them up.
@@stanzaschulz4339 I would consider that this isn't the only job with significant dangers involved in performing their duties. You could easily say something similar regarding becoming a: firefighters, police-person, prison guard, construction worker, paramedic, electrician, etc.
@@brandonwarner8450 Exactly!
Honey yes of course but most BPD do not kill anyone definitely not their therapist! I don't have the statistics but I'm pretty sure it's very rare
You can’t really know unless you’ve been in it brother. You can understand intellectually but not viscerally which is so utterly painful, it’s a one of a kind experience, uniquely complex, intoxicating and soul draining.
Yes!
I had a sister who had quiet BPD she drinked herself to death, I also have a mother who has BPD once she came to the US in my mid-late 20's within of 8 years in America she ruined me emotionally, I had to go no contact and made up my mind the only time I'll ever see her when she dead and I have to go to her funeral, she ruined me to the point I'm not the same person anymore that's how damaging it was.😔
Well said. My head understands so much of it but my heart continues to feel the complexity of emotions only one who has experienced a BPD relationship would understand
@@Ib90 Jesus man, that’s heavy. I’ve dated a few and it really turned reality on it’s ass. I hope you’ve healed and can move on with life. I think I’ll always have the kind of heart to try and help but it really puts me in harms way sometimes.
@@jaybirdfulthank you, I'm slowly healing but I promised myself to never deal with people with mental illnesses.
My ex is a BPD. I literally almost gave my life to make the marriage work. I lived a horror movie basically. I'm very fortunate I'm not in prison as she tried to frame me several times for unspeakable "crimes" that I didn't commit. Attacked me several times physically, twice with a knife, called my boss and tried to get me fired, (found out years later) called me mom and told her all kinds of false things 2 weeks into our marriage, had an affair with a married man, I raised the child as my own, never worked and I paid more money to her than I got myself, would have her friends call me and pretend to be girlfriends and record the calls, got her 2 yrs of intensive psychotherapy, 2 wks in a high end mental clinic, stalked me, lied to the courts and judges and lawyers, got all her friends and many of mine to hate me and believe her manipulation and lies, devastated my career, refused to let me see our children, would date/sleep with our children's various sports coaches etc and turn them agaisn't me,...I could go on and on and on. We were only married for...4 years, the divorce took over 4 1/2 yrs as I wanted to be an active father to the kids. My parents begged me to leave the state or timezone at least because they were so afraid she was going to kill me. It got so bad I moved as far away as I could get...to the west coast, then to the east coast. I never remarried and have been dealing with her for over 20 yrs and non stop rage, hate, anger and unbelievable ability to feel no compassion, loyalty or conscience. While we were married we'd get in ungodly arguments that would end with me screaming "I'm NOT GOING TO LEAVE YOU!!!!!!'' and she literally looked like a heroin addict,, getting her first needle of the day ...like it was her hit....and she'd be euphoric ....for several hours. Then the insanity would slowly start all over...... I went to a ton of therapy including PTSD therapy and 2 of the nations top Drs who got me healthy and to a point where I could honestly say I wasn't making her act this way, I didn't deserve her hate/rage/disgust and I am worthy of love and kindness. She's been fairly successful turning the kids against me to a degree but they still talk to me so that's far more than she'd want as she lived to cause me pain...she knew the kids meant everything to me so it was the kids she'd NEVER let see me or be with me. I wont say she ruined my life, but it's been beyond anything I've ever heard anybody else going through in terms of a relationship or marriage. I"m glad I'm not in prison for these terrible false accusations and I'm glad nobody is dead.... God is good, Jesus loves me and HE IS MY HOPE and reward forever.
I went to prison for my wife's false accusations of violence. She turned my kids against me completely. I had a very strong bond with my son until her was 20. We were so close that we shared a telepathic connection. When he was troubled or in pain I would feel it as an external feeling and once I learned to recognize it..it was very accurate. I felt his pain when he broke his arm as a child. I felt his pain when he was in an accident as a teenager and knew he was in trouble and was able to find him and save him because of it. She destroyed that connection between us. I was in prison after being convicted of felony domestic battery about 18 months into a 4 year sentence. I suddenly felt like I was having a heart attack. I was all emotional and distraught. I recognized it for what it was...it was my son. He had a heart attack at age 22. I imagine from the stress related to knowing that I had been convicted of a crime I did not commit and his mother's manipulation of him. He was rushed into surgery and was saved. I received a call a few days later and was told about what happened to him. That was 5 years ago. I haven't spoken to him. He won't speak to me. He could have stepped up and told the cops that I did not touch her. That I was never violent and that she was the violent one. But he never did. I imagine that shame has reshaped him and is why he won't speak to me. I'm sure that is exactly how she planned it. She blames his heart attack on me and claims the doctor told her it was a genetic condition although no one in my family has any history of heart disease. It was the one thing that I really cared about getting right in life...being a good father. I had a great father and know how to be one. And I was too. For 20 years. I thought it was enough and I didn't think anything could ever break the bond I shared with my son. I was wrong. This illness is a terrible thing. I don't know how she looks at herself in the mirror or looks at my son and thinks that what they share is love. Because there is no real love there. And that is what troubles me the most. My kids knew love when I was in the picture. Real love. What they have no is sickness that they pretend is love and that makes me sad every single day. Your not the only one who had it rough with this illness. Yours isn't the most terrible story out there. Just so you know. 🙏
@@jimig399 I haven't told half of it...and just this week had hellish news delivered to me...which I wont go in to. Having said....man I feel terrible for you. I know what it's like to try and manage the...daily pain of that ongoing loss, while the rest of the world seems to get their kids, their holidays, their respect, love affection or just any kind of relatinship. I get it. My heart trulyl goes out to you brother. Society rewards and values victims over just about anything...except divorced dads like us...and our "privilege " were told about every hour of every day now. It's def a lonely road but..y'oure not alone. I went to a 12 step group that helped to save my life..with others who've been through similar. Managing the rage and anger and utter devastation is challenging often. I wish I could do or tell you something to help you...I can only say my hope is in Jesus. The Bible says.."satan comes to kill, steal and destroy". and my hope is Ill get back in return, all that's been stolen from us. Im' not preaching just giving you what I"M doing and trusting in. I didn't used to...but, I def do now. It's not the end of the story yet...so there's still hope you know?
@@jimig399 PS. I've been to 19 state and fed prisons over the last 20 yrs and have been very involved with Prison Fellowship Minstries...Chuck Colson's organization. I wanted to show those men in prison some, respect and kindness and also give them some hope too.
sounds like narcissism not BPD imo possibly comorbid of course
@@reneegardner2286 I paid for 2 yrs of intensive psycho therapy for her..and 2 weeks in a mental hospital and 4 yrs of therapy after that with 2 of the top therapists, published authors etc etc...and they ALL diagnosed her as BPD and made me read the book by Dr Jereld Kreismann. "I Hate You Dont Leave Me" on BPD...so, I'm pretty sure she's a BPD lol.
😣If you’ve ever been through an episode for someone who has BPD … then you know all too well how evil they can get…. And I feel for you. It’s like they are possessed and their mission is to hurt you in as many ways as possible. It’s full of drama, lies, faking being sick or being a victim, and the constant need for building up a reputation (however fake it may be) **at any cost** in order to gain a sense of approval and belonging. The sad part is that they can easily find others to join in on abusing their “loved” one(s). They treat you like a punching bag but then act surprised when you can’t take it anymore and want to leave them. They do fulfill their own prophecies by pushing everyone away with their abusive behavior.
In my experience it was similar to dealing with a narcissist, except actually trickier because there are enough glimmers of love and humanity to make you not want to write off the person.
That's nothing to do with BPD
@@satan5537 yeah nothing at all, its not like npd and bpd are in the same cluster, 40 percent of people with bpd also have npd. Soooo kinda similar sometimes
@@dangalangslanger1254 bullshit
@@satan5537WHAT DO YOU MEAN?!?
It was really hard to accept that I was the one causing all this mess. But now that I am at this point it's easier for me to see these patterns in my behavior and I feel like I finally have options on how to react.
1st I just want to say how amazing it is that you brought yourself to the realization that you were causing harm in your relationships and that you are now working to fix that! it is really really hard for people to admit when they did something wrong and I think it's amazing that you have done that. I wanted to know how you had your breakthrough? I have a loved one that I am convinced has this disorder and I'm afraid to talk to her about it because I believe she would become very angry and even cut me out of her life. How were you able to realize that this was your diagnosis and that you wanted to work on it? Do you have any advice on how I might be able to help my family member?
@@ttthecat I eventually got it when I had a friend and this friend triggered the things I experienced in my last relationship (which was horrible) so I kinda got stuck in these patterns again. He talked about this with mutual friends and they eventually told me that I was doing all these things. This conversation wasn't easy for me at all though and after that I distanced myself from these people. But they left me thinking. I mean deep inside I've always known that my behavior was not okay I just never wanted to admit that because I never had any bad intentions which did not justify my actions. I guess I should not recommend anything to you in regards to your person because I feel like this is a very difficult and individual process and it might do more harm than good I am sorry. However talking might be the first step.
@@ttthecat There is a spectrum of BPD, some respond others don't. After the sadistic discard I went through with one, I am not even legally allowed to talk to her. I would guess that she's one that will not respond and I never had an argument or said a word against her . Truly crazy making. Her life goes on as normal, until the next one gets discarded. Sequestering is the only protection for the innocent. Too much damage dealt, and then they just walk away. It's criminal!
@@johnhaller7017 Its emotional violence, but violence just the same. Never knew these people existed, coming out of a 30 year marriage and new to the dating scene and these are the types of men that are out there. Staying single now, it was a terrifying ordeal. Not worth the risk.
@@ttthecat Hey, You are probably in a corner over this issue and you do have genuine reasons to act carefully. I have only just lost 2 old friends of mine who I reversed diagnosed with, Covert Narcissism and Borderline PD
They had me in a devalue phase for the last few weeks and then sadistically discarded me with a legal threat not to contact them. You don't want to trigger anything like that so, I suggest you check out any YT stuff by Prof. Sam Vaknin ,Psychology expert and Narc Con YT a female Life coach who is also very personable and informative. Check them out and see if you can watch some of these with your afflicted friend, when you feel you have located the best suitable for her. Take your time, baby steps, We are dealing with a significant mental disorder here. One of my lost friends is a Psychotherapist and cannot seem to deal with what seemed pretty obvious to me, but she blew up in my face, for outing her husband as displaying passive aggressive behaviours in his attempt to destroy the friendship that developed between me and her. Their combined disorders kicked into gear and they became my paranoid, sadistic enemies, who seemed to have planned and worked in consort, to damage me in the last few weeks, I knew them and then turn me into the enemy when they discarded me. Truly horrific. I am mentally and emotionally tough, but these people(once my longest and dearest friends)transformed into sadistic enemies who blamed me for absolutely everything. I also discovered that they lived on top of a mountain called SECRETS! Knowledge up before you proceed. It's trial and error. I never got a second chance. It was as if I went to sleep one night and the next morning I awoke mysteriously in a minefield. You can only get out , very, very carefully. Good luck.
Setting boundaries just makes them go mental. No contact is the best. Let them sort it out on their own and if they really want help they will get it. When you are there constantly babying them they will never seek help.
I’ve found this to be true. Because you just keep getting hurt and lied about.
Says you from a study group of one.
This applies to a friendship witha BPD person too!
How does one do that without causing their suicide?
@@yiskah you felt like you have lived with an oscar-winning actor or actress isn't ? so beautifully pictured script ? or a nice dream you woke up find out it was a dream
I think one common trait, with individuals with BPD is an intense charisma...because they feel things so deeply and when in a relationship are so afraid of being let down or left that at times they give you everything... they hold nothing back... declarations of devotion forever...intense displays of love...They will often make you feel like you are the only person in the world... at the time you don’t realize that this intensity Is borne of fear...And that you, as the person in the relationship will no doubt fail them in some respect, ( in a real way to them, that you might not even regard as in any way significant at the time, or in the bigger picture) , and rather than a rational, or reasonable response...Sadly this person you love will turn on you, by preemptively abandoning you or, lashing out.... know it’s really not you, rather a pattern that’s nearly set in Stone for them, most likely from childhood, that won’t be broken -Without some very difficult work from them, and hopefully some insightful and great therapy.
- God bless you all here. Thanks for this great channel, it’s truly a candle in a dark forest, and a good use of time to help understanding people. Just brilliant.
Thank you Dr. Grande, it’s appreciated.
as someone who had a relationship with someone with BPD, if i had known from the beginning i would never have dated her. Untreated people with BPD are absolutely chaotic.
Hmmm, it sounds like you are describing Pete Davidson and he has bi polar. However, I once had a friend with it and she was quite different to how you describe. She had no interest in romantic relationships, just friendships and she could fly off the handle at any time for no reason with other people, but did not ever do that with me. I was abandoned by this friend though, without reason and she has gone through her whole life doing this. Befriending people then just dumping them, without any logical reason. As a result, her life is a lonely one.
@@bingonamo7520 yeah, people with borderline often dump people because they'd rather dump people than have people dump them. They fear being abandoned and so they leave people before people can leave them. People with borderline do feel things very intensely.
@@angelabarrera24 I've given up trying to be friends with those with mental health problems. They're too much hard work and too unreliable. One of them kept costing me money by not turning up to things we'd bought tickets to. I can't deal with the unpredictability. I think they need to just befriend others with the same condition.
No help can change this sorry 🙏🏽🙏🏽🙏🏽🙏🏽💯💯🙌🙌🏃♀️🏃♀️
My main gripe with them is the total lack of remorse, no guilt at all, not to mention the constant lying, the betrayals, the hypocrisy, the gaslighting.
Borderlines usually feel empathy, remorse and guilt, that's what puts them in different categories other than narcissist and sociopath.
That description fits a covert narcissist better.
@@Sarablueunicorn nope, untrue. Borderlines feel REGRET not remorse and SHAME not GUILT. They recognize the affect their negative actions have on themselves but not on others.
@@nameunknown7 Yeah, you're correct. Though I think they might even gaslight themselves, they live in a warped reality where truth becomes mixed with lies. They don't change their behaviour so there's no remorse.
@@nameunknown7 Well, according to specialists and brain scans people with BPD are able to feel all range of emotions (all parts of the brain are activated, sometimes ever hyper activated). Some individuals with BPD may display more or less of an emotion but not different from "non disordered individuals".
As for sociopaths/psychopath the part of the brain related with empathy/guilt/remorse doesn't light up, i haven't seen a study on brain scans of a NPD but apparently these areas also lack activation.
See cluster B disorders as russians dolls: all ASPD are narcissists all narcissists are borderline and maybe all borderlines are histrionic.
Also, narcissists rarely end up in a psychiatrist or psychologist office to be diagnosed with whatever🤔
They are more dangerous than sociopaths. It’s like walking on land mines
I had a colleague with raging BPD, the social damage he caused was beyond comprehension. Until you have experienced this, it is difficult to paint an adequate picture to others. HR had no idea how to deal with him and we were not trained to deal with him either. All of the symptoms described here was displayed in spades, but what was not mentioned was the skilled and pathological lying or the relentless vengefulness. He got worse and worse, had a sex change and then committed suicide. The whole affair was a torrent of awfulness.
A second case was a female employee in her early 20's. She was nowhere near as bad as the above case but still caused significant social damage. She knew she had BPD through professional diagnosis and actively sought treatment. She left the company and is now doing well with the treatment and is leading a productive life, though as a mutual friend said is still "a little bit of a handful". She was aided by the fact she is drop-dead gorgeous and socially very skilled.
In the early stages of relationship I did not know anything about personality disorders. I wrote him about his volcanic bevahior. He erupts, burning everyone to ashes, then expects the green grass to sprout and grow immediately. You cannot make love physically with someone who is destroying you emotionally.
That last sentence is so true for me.
@@kristyfountain6324 that's the sentence that got me. my wife expects me to just flip a switch and want to be intimate with her. i dont feel safe with her! it's such an awful cycle.
@@user-jn7if5cv5s coming from someone with bpd, she probably believes that your emotions can flip like a light switch because ours can
@@kristyfountain6324 and me!
@@user-jn7if5cv5s that is exactly what I told my husband, I am not a light switch. He works that way, not me.
This is extremely helpful and validating for those of us who have a family member with BPD. Thank you so much for sharing this great information!
A decade being in a relationship with someone later diagnosed with BPD and the trail of destruction is all too real. I admire anyone with BPD who actively seeks treatment. Sadly my ex partner wouldn't and their behaviour took a very heavy toll emotionally and physically.
In my experience.
The family he is referring to is the reason for the BPD.
BPD is not necessarily something you are born with.
Childhood trauma from parents can play a huge role.
Then the parents and society blame the child, now adult.
When it actuality it was 100% the patents neglect and abuse that caused it.
That person grows up believing it is their fault
If you were drawn to, and in a relationship with this person for a decade, there is probably a reason.
Traumatized or mentally Ill people seek each other out without realizing it.
I'm glad you are out of that relationship now!
💯 understand this. Move on, it's not anything that gets better IMO.
Its not admirable to be thwarted by one and all when searching...
Someone in my life exhibits many symptoms of this disorder. Every time I hear a show like this it
reaffirms my belief. She will never entertain the idea of professional help. I just stay away. Before interacting with her I put on mental armor by 5 minutes of convincing myself I can do it. It's a really horrible disorder
FINALLY!!! EXPLAINED!!! FIFTY YEARS OF CONFUSION !!!
@First Last but it can help lead to one.
@First Last no one said you tube video is a diagnosis ...an explanation
You can’t just diagnose someone with bpd because you stumbled across a youtube video.
Can a UA-cam video lead to an official diagnosis? Most likely not. But be advised that a lot of the time, therapists won't give certain diagnoses because of what the insurance companies will and won't pay for. And I get it, therapists are trying to get the most bang for our buck for us. But I've been seeing a therapist for 4+ years who only diagnoses me with major depressive disorder while I STRONGLY suspect it's bpd with depression being a symptom, largely because of the anger component, impulsivity, feeling empty, splitting, etc... We NEED these accurate and specific diagnoses so we can get the most accurate treatment and medication, or alternative remedies. I've heard it said that a lot of psych people go into the practice because they're trying to figure out what's wrong with them. Well who can blame them, if no one is being honest/specific?
@@BunsenHoneydew001 well said. it is so incredibly difficult to navigate the mental healthcare system, let alone The healthcare system itself. like everyone else has said as well is that a video doesn’t diagnose but can lead a person to get in contact with a mental health professional or the recognition of something a person needs to seek help dealing with instead of settling for “it’s just how i am, nothing can get better”.
I had a best friend at work who has BPD. We would constantly go out together, celebrate birthdays together, even go on foreign trips together. One day he turned on me and all of that love became hatred. He wouldn't say "hello" he would walk by me and not acknowledge me, he would constantly insult me while talking to others in front of me with not-so-subtle poisonous barbs that were directed at me. One day we were at a staff meeting at work and he even kicked me under the desk. I started to feel so uncomfortable, I had to talk to my supervisor so that he would separate me from this individual. I ended up going to another department in order to avoid him. What struck me the most was how he switched from love to hate in one day. It was like a light switch and I never did anything bad to him. That what strikes me. We never had an argument!
Yes! And it makes you question your own sanity! If I did not have supportive spouse, friend and therapist I would worry I was losing my mind. That instant love turned hate is disorienting.
My wife of 4 1/2 years just did the same thing to me. Loved me more than anything, then devalued and then discarded me like I am piece of garbage. It is really horrific what some of these untreated BPD's do to their friends or partner. Sometimes it just seems like a nightmare, but it is real. I don't even know who she is anymore. She has made horrible false accusations and truly turned my life upside down. It's a serious mental illness.
Instead of your friend being identified as BPD what you explained about their characteristics and all of a sudden disregard for you it appears they are a narcissist. Narcissistic Personality Disorder. The way your friend treated you and by what you described is they "discarded" you. This is what narcissists do. One way to know if they have BPD or Narcissistic Personality Disorder is that borderlines have a history of making suicidal threats and hurting themselves such as cutting on themselves, shaving all their hair off, pulling their hair out, hurting themselves, being promiscuous, exhibiting poor judgement and insight. I had a friend that has BPD. She was extremely needy with my time and attention. She would cut on herself or would use a lighter to burn a wire hanger and brand herself. She told one lie after another.
@@scottcheek4965, Are you sure your wife is borderline? By what your described it seems she may have traits of Narcissistic Personality Disorder.
@@prometheuspredator7971 He may have been narcissistic as well, I mentioned BPD because he was taking medication for that condition. By the way, he did have risky behavior. I traveled with him to Istanbul, Turkey and he was going into unsavory places and walking down dark streets.
My ex is borderline. Of course I did not know that going in, although I did have a few red flags in our early dating learning some of his history. But despite maybe having an intellectual knowledge of personality issues because of the knowledge I gained working in a psych environment and wanting to learn as much as possible, when you are up close to someone who is idealising you and who is really very sweet in many ways, you just lose objectivity. I navigated through many dramas but it wasn't until I became ill and more attention was on me that he really showed devaluating me simply because I could not cater to his needs 24/7. Then WOW he put me through the most emotionally devastating things. I was a different person back then - I used to trust more and think just being loving and understanding and supportive and patient would be enough. It never is enough. I was a husk for a long time.
There is a mild form of female narcissism that I cal the Love Conquers All Girlfriend. Women are told that the mostest bestest thing they can ever do in life is Love Someone. And that women have a distinct talent for bringing love to the hearts of terrible people and actually _taming_ them with their all-encompassing love, sympathy, patience and tolerance.
Women are nudged, encouraged, propagandized, and otherwise socially pressured to be nurterers, caretakers, peacemakers, mollifiers, calmers, etc. If you do it well--if you "tame" some bad person--your social status skyrockets. "Look what she did to Big Bad Bill--he's Sweet William now." There's actually a blues song about it.
And if you have to actually _suffer_ emotional or physical violence as a result, your social standing is even higher. You _survived._ _And_ you brought the bad man to heel with nothing more than your love, sympathy, patience and tolerance.
None of this is meant to discount your own experience. But I believe women get into these situations the same way men are pressured to be aggressive tough Soldier Boys: by being told, over and over, that your worth as a person depends on a certain set of behaviors. In women, it's nurturing, and to appear as an innocent, vulnerable Good-Hearted Woman to the greatest extent possible. Again, this is not to discount you.
I can 100% relate to your experience, I was in the same situation. As difficult as it was to end the relationship, I had to for my own sanity.
@@JM-ot8ux So much pressure to be a woman.
@@ptscptsc-ke9xk But society still allows women more emotional latitude than they ever allow men.
I have ptsd from my relationship with individual with bpd. It was over 15 years ago. Every day aspects of my life are permanently changed because of this. Certainly not as bad now as it was then. But I would never expose myself to that again.
Bottom line…listen carefully and trust me when I say stay far far away from dating someone with BPD…they will destroy your life…if you already are find a way out like yesterday! you have been warned
Just out 3+ years. Man I am messed up. Had no idea how bad it really was until I ran away
11 years… Our last breakup ended me becoming traumatized by the ordeal. I can’t think about dating anyone else with BPD after the shit he put me through.
I know a woman who has BPD and I do everything I can to avoid her because not only is she prone to anger, she's highly manipulative. Part of me feels sorry for her, but she has little to no desire to get better, so if we do cross paths I calmly ask her to leave me alone.
Everyone is not cut out or have to be cut out to deal with another person’s pain? Its a choice. But if you are dealing with one, know that they are love hungry, and dont wanna be who they are if they were given a choice. ❤❤❤
Everyone is not cut out or have to be cut out to deal with another person’s pain? Its a choice. But if you are dealing with one, know that they are love hungry, and dont wanna be who they are if they were given a choice. ❤❤❤
In my youth I suffered from this awful affliction that destroys lives. What hurt most as a teen was the aching loneliness and feelings of rejection. My behaviour was so destructive. I hadn’t heard this term “trail of destruction” before but can completely identify. Now I am in my 60’s and in a stable, loving relationship. Years of therapy, meds, self-education and owning my behaviours has given me a life worth living, so for other sufferers out there, there is hope.
Thank you for sharing. I have a close family member who I strongly suspect has this disorder. Your insight is helpful. Blessings
Having Borderline is living hell. Especially if you have it since your childhood. I feel everyone who has the same. I really feel you, you are not alone. I understand you.
I agree with "the since childhood" part in particular. Its not often diagnosed until your a late teen and by then you have often already been diagnosed with other mental illnesses like Manic or Bipolar depression, OCD, Depression II, PTSD, Eating disorders, Brief periods of psychotic rage, Addictive personality, Self harm, Suicidal tendencies or Narcissism. Which often leads to over medication (which doesn't help, it just puts you into a state were it exacerbates the emptiness) and trying to solve a single symptom while ignoring the underlying problems.
The first time I was diagnosed with BPD was somewhat of a relief. I realized I didn't have a crap ton of things wrong with me just a single disorder and there were many people out there that experienced the exact same thing. Then I realized BPD is something of a curse as most therapists wont touch you after that diagnosis. Luckily I picked up a book on DBT and worked through it myself. Since then I have been able to save my marriage and hold a steady job (though I have to give a shout out to my supervisor for still putting up with some of the shit I still seem to be unable to manage), have a decent credit score and remain in the same residence for a decade.
mnyama ashiki I’ve had it since I was a child. My life has been hell
It's also help for everyone around them!
Yes it is living hell.
I just want to end it tbh
My granddaughter has been diagnosed with Bipolar and BPD. She has been in therapy since mid teens and is now 27. She is very self-aware and has always maintained her mental health care. She is smart, talented and beautiful. She had her own business for awhile and is now employed. She is very responsible. Over the years, we have had to agree to disagree over some social issues and it does not affect our love for one another. Nothing she would ever say or do would make any of us abandon her. I urge people who have been diagnosed AND families of these people to seek counseling and read books about it like “Understanding the Borderline Mother” as this disorder often has generational roots. This is an excellent video. Thank you!
My sister had this. The anger part was spot on. She would rage over some of the most inconsequential things. As children and teens, she was physically abusive, hitting scratching and throwing things at people. Even as an adult she would shove and push at times when she was upset. She would write cards and letters filled with hateful, raging and abusive accusations, especially to our mother. But at times she would cry and feel so worthless. She stalked my sister, wrote "anonymous" letters to people, criticizing their behavior or decisions. It was EXHAUSTING to try to reason with her. She never understood that her behavior was why no one could tolerate her for very long. She took her life in 2010 at 45 years of age. In spite of her behavior, I loved her. She had an amazing sense of humor and boy if she liked you, she would cut her veins for you... (of course she thought no one appreciated her). I miss her every day, but I do not miss the drama. I do not miss seeing my mother in tears after reading one if her poison pen letters. I do not miss her raging about my sister who had to go no contact with her because of the stalking. I cannot imagine what it was like to be in her head. As bad as it was for us, I'm sure it was awful for her. ☹️
Sorry about your loss. It must have been heart breaking to watch your sister self destruct.
That's funny, you can't go NC because of the stalking. You could gray rock her, and seek help from a reliable helper such as a pro security guard or bodyguard. Try it, because that may help.
awful doesn't begin to describe how it feels to have BPD.. nowhere near it actually
😢😢I’m so sorry you and your family members had to endure this… I have bpd traits I’ve never been violent but I know certain borderlines are really dangerous and destructive to others … I’m working on myself it’s so painful to have this
That sounds exactly like my older daughter. We went no contact in 2017, and it breaks my heart, but she is so cruel. I couldn't take it anymore. It was affecting my health.
My mother is exactly like this, only without the rage. She gets a thrill out of causing that rage in others. She does everything you described RELENTLESSLY until her victim snaps. Then she has "won."
@Nelson Robert Willis If you figure out the answer, can you share it with me? I would love to stop taking the bait!
Sounds more like narcissism than bpd
JusticeForNichole sounds more like Narcissist but I am just guessing. I think Narcissists and sociopaths do things on purpose whereas histrionics and BPD don’t really go out of their way to provoke but will attack if they feel threatened. That’s what I’ve gathered. And I’ve unfortunately had close family with all those.
JusticeForNichole practice makes perfect. There are many videos on it. Just excuse yourself to the bathroom as an “emergency” then run out the door for some peptobismal at the pharmacy. When u get back a few hours later they usually are embarrassed or at least calm again.
Yeah, my mom is the same way. I went no contact over a year ago and it's the best decision I ever made. That's not BPD, though, that's narcissism. Look up covert narcissism if she doesn't fit the traditional narcissism profile. I know it's hard to face the fact that she's doing it on purpose, knowing that it's harmful, and not just lashing out in fear or emotional overload like a BPD, but sometimes that's the first step to healing.
I hope it IS repairable because BPD is exhausting. I’ve worked down my constructs to Borderline Personality Disorder, Bipolar, and CPTSD - it’s a triad of disaster. It’s been like being strangled second by second throughout my entire life. I don’t want to think the way I was taught to think - no one but a masochist really wants to grapple with BPD. I didn’t know WHAT was wrong in my family but I knew SOMETHING was very wrong by the time I was 12. I learned BPD behavior from my father, who learned it from his mother. My mother was a torturous Vulnerable Narcissist. That is a “worst case scenario” dynamic for a developing child. It’s like being born in an armed prison camp with no survival skills…terrified, secretive, screaming, angry, abandoned, betrayed, out of control, ad nauseum. When my father suspected he had cancer, he chose to hide it - committing tacit suicide at 68 because he was under constant psychological assault by my mother and didn’t want to go on if his life was going to stay that way. But he didn’t act to change it - He was afraid to get psychological counseling because he thought he would be considered crazy. When my father died, my mother turned her maddening narcissism on me. I’m 68 now and have managed to survive not only my mother but resultant traumas I could never have imagined. (I’ve made a commitment to myself NOT to die til “God” takes me out of here!) It’s been very important for me to learn how to live alone - much better than being with the wrong person. I carry the Audible version of the DSM -5 in my phone. I can spot a narcissist in less than 5 minute and have an evacuation plan ready. I don’t want to be alone the rest of my life but, if I am - so be it. My goal is to be my best parent to myself for the rest of my days, and live unafraid.
BiG RESPECT Amigo!
Just found out my ex-wife has been diagnosed with BPD. I was married to her for 14 years, I had to get out. She would have violent outburst, yell and scream vile things at me. The children witnessed it all. I was pretty arrogant, I thought I could help her. I was wrong. She would often cry so hard, she would vomit. If I attempted to leave, she would threaten to take her life, she would tell me I am everything to her, the best man on the planet. Then the next hour, I was repugnant and abusive. She was traumatised as a child, around 12. Her mother is her mirror image.
My ex-wife lies a great deal too. She will not be held accountable, denies everything and makes false allegations. Is this common?
Yes, it is and people with borderline monitor these comment sections telling people what a misunderstood victim they are. Worse than that, this disorder usually travels with narcissistic or other cluster B disorders making for a kind of vulnerable yet highly destructive, dangerous individual prone to making absolutely wicked false allegations against others that can destroy lives. Run, don't walk is my advice. Also, no matter what you hear, therapy in my experience is often useless for them in the long term. While you are there feeling love for them and sympathy for their past, they are smearing you behind your back and preparing to ruin your life.
@@rosieposie9564 oh my god. My son just got married to one. He met her at a wedding last year and moved her in right away. She was and still is fighting for custody of her 2 kids. She made a mess of her marriage and went on to live with another guy. She had just left this guy when she met my son. She quickly embroiled my son with all this family chaos. I have witnessed her screaming out of control cause a set of ear plugs got washed in the laundry. My son's friends don't know what to make of her so far. Now that she is married, she wants myself and my other son out of his life. She is diagnosed. She said recently that she loves to stir s*hit up to those that deserve it. I've witnessed this. My son is in for a rough time. She's been in therapy for 2 years. Does not seem to work. Her oldest son is demonstrating the same behavior. They want to try to have a child of their own. God help us all.
@@carmenlamontagne4948 I wish your son well and I hope that he does not have children with her if she is that way because unfortunately, that is when the real hell will start for him and it will be harder for him to free himself.
@@rosieposie9564 thank you. She is getting treatment, but I don't see much improvement. It appears to run in her family which would indicate this is genetic. I'm at a loss as to warn my son. I fear he will turn against me if I try to bring it up. He is well aware of her disorder and is trying to help her and her kids but he seems blind to the narcissist tendencies she portrays. He has convinced himself he can help her because of course he is "inlove".
Yes.
As someone who has struggled with BPD for years and years, I really want to thank you for your very honest and candid approach based on facts, not demonization.
This "trail of destruction" seems like something we can see happening but can't stop, which adds to the havoc of an unstable sense of self (this is not who I am, this isn't who I want to be) which makes me lash out at myself and then transfers to others, and round and round we go.
Abandoned at birth also means no roots and no anchor and as I became a little more mature, I realized if I dont keep any close relationships, I am not triggered as much and so I distanced myself and for many years i was alone. Then I found an amazing therapist and CBT. This was the most difficult therapy I have ever endured. I hated every minute of it, but it was the best thing I have ever done... a new way of thinking. This opened the door for mindfulness which allowed me to not be so hard on myself and others. With all of this. I went over a year without a serious "episode" and so I allowed myself a true romantic relationship.
It still can be triggering and I would be lying to say we don't struggle, but he has taken time to research BPD. He is patient and non reactive and first and foremost he understands when I get upset it is temporary. He also draws a very clear line in the sand. When I start to cross that line he makes sure I know he will be back but he leaves until I have calmed down. At first this was terrifying for me, but the more he comes back, the less we get to that point because of course I also don't want to be abandoned.
So i say all this to give hope to those who are struggling and of course to acknowledge the amazing work by professionals like Dr Grande. We are people too and we are worth saving. Thank you!
the comments made by those suffering from BPD all have some pretty tell tale signs that....they just don't get it. and they never will. they can't. To be with one requires giving yourself away. even if only a little, that's wrong.
Many of em don't, as many people whom feed and prey on others don't. They'll never get it that a relationship goes both ways, but it's only about them
In my experience, the setting of boundaries often feels like a threat of abandonment and is a reminder that they’re alone, leading to escalating fears of isolation and being “less than”. It’s important to be super careful in how you approach that aspect of managing a relationship with BPD, whether it’s diagnosed or not. I believe my sister has BPD, but I don’t know for sure. I treat my relationship with her as if it were-of course I don’t say anything about my suspicion. It is so fn hard. I love her, she’s my sister, so disconnecting isn’t an option. Avoiding the slippery slope of codependency has to be at the forefront of your mind during the vulnerable times. Like I said, it’s fn hard.
I've had the same experience that I was victimizing the BPD person by not allowing them to victimize me. Maybe he could do a video on this!!!
Cuz it does suck to try to love someone but you're not ever allowed to say NO.
This is on point.
Recently severed ties with a "friend" with BPD (and potentially NPD, or at least very strong narcissistic tendencies in their BPD). While I would feel sorry for them upon realizing they're essentially a toddler (emotionally speaking), I am so calloused from the months (almost a year) of emotional abuse and turmoil. I can't feel anything towards them anymore, and I am never ever getting back in touch with them.
Oh, and this one has been in touch touch 5+ therapists this year (they were diagnosed last year or potentially in 2019), because they keep turning on their therapist and claiming that "they just don't get their (the borderline) unique thought pattern" -- part of the reason I was thinking of NPD. But that's of course mere speculations and I frankly don't give a fudge what they have anymore. I am DONE.
Why would you share that here where people with BPD are talking about how hard it is to deal with the same sorts of experiences, but has no choice to be “DONE” with it?
@@Bad_Chad everyone has a valid experience and people subjected to abuse absolutely have a right and a choice to be Done with it. I suggest to anyone experiencing abuse to get away and stay away and I’m proud of those that do.
@@Bad_Chad well, all the NPD videos say you cannot fix them and you need to leave. So why tell people off for saying "I'm done". Why enable someone's b.s. leave, get healthy.
@@reddaB this is not a video to do with NPD. Borderlines are narcissistic by proxy of it being a cluster B disorder. Being narcissistic doesn't mean you have NPD, that is classic ignorance.
@@peaceunion5316 the comment was about NPD. Learn to read. Not reading before replying is "classic ignorance".
I have been diagnosed with BPD, and I didnt think I actually had it but reading these comments and hearing Dr. Grande explain it, I realize that it has been destructive in my life. I'm not sure on how to deal with it.
there’s a lot of help available 💕
Eh don’t let the label make you feel bad about yourself. Why not seek out some help? I hear the prognosis is good if you can get through the roughest parts of it.
And btw, never diagnosed as a borderline but I have been in ongoing therapy, as well as in psychiatric treatment. Psych treatment can be uncomfortable (Medicine roulette etc) but therapy hurts. It doesn’t just hurt while it’s happening either. You feel kind of bummed out generally for awhile as you start to come to terms with stuff and also changing bad habits or learning new ones. So be prepared for that. You start to understand why you’re feeling bummed and realize it’s normal, but for awhile, it’s a sad time
seek dbt treatment and don't seek relationships out.
Therapy.
Dr. Grande, thank you for saying that there is hope. I really appreciate that. Also for acknowledging people with BPD as not doing/having these behaviors on purpose. So many people don't understand that aspect.
We can logically understand that the behaviors aren’t ‘on purpose’, but in the end, when someone is treating you poorly day after day, it doesn’t really matter, does it?
It doesn't matter whether you did it on purpose. When you treat people like shit, it's your fault.
Cheating is where I drew the line. It only takes one moment of them feeling like you don’t appreciate them enough and within an hour they are out at the bar looking for a new source.
10 women 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂run people STDs 😮
I have BPD and I feel like becoming self concious of all the negative symptoms has eased everything and made me more stable, I now know that I react because of this not because im a shit person. I feel like its possible to completely heal from this, I was in denial for years and blamed others for my problems, but I saw the problems in other people not in my self.
My father and sister are bpd and it indeed has been a living hell for all of us. They gave me PTSD.
I am sorry for what you have gone through but I would caution not to treat borderlines like me as evil people. The root cause of my bpd probably comes from my own dysfunctional childhood and many borderlines developed that way from a pattern of abuse or neglect as a child. I'm pretty sure that's not what you meant by that comment but I just wanted to impart some nuances that are involved in bpd.
Same here. Hope you can heal. 💚
@@ryandryja6639 imagine singling out an abuse victim venting and shaming them for it. Grow a spine.
@@squashedshibber2684 they're always the victim. Not that much who can be honest about themselves.
@@aboetarikske cluster Bs care more about sugar coating an extremely dangerous and severe mental disorder than actually taking accountability to recover from it lmfao
Trail of destruction is a perfect description of what my sibling has done in her life. My turn came 2yrs ago. Truly tried to repair our bond eventhough we BOTH were involved but it just got worse. Decided it's best to keep a distance from her. My mental health is at stake. Refuse to allow the drama, toxicity and bad vibes into my home❣
It's very interesting to hear the doctor reference the "trail of destruction" in clinical language, it seems so manageable. It's not. For victims of BPDs it is best to stay/run away.
Thank you for your comment
I have bpd truth is don't get with one of us if we aren't actually trying to get mental help that honestly goes for anyone with mental illnesses
Definitely run
I could care less if it wasn't "intentional" or not. It was abuse and it was a trail of destruction. The likelihood of a person with bpd leaving destruction in their wake is high, very high.
Good use of quotation marks. Well put.
BPDs are masters manipulators with no concept of reality.
One of my long term close male friends who was a psychiatric nurse got hooked by much younger female who had big mental health issues including possibly borderline issues - she totally destroyed our friendship and the life of my friend. He never recovered his personality and ability to function.
I made so many attempts to articulate and validate my frustrations with my wife who is borderline personality and bipolar in order to get some help because she was headed to a bad place. We have 3 kids. My intention was not to disparage or denigrate my wife..I would simply relay the facts as they had occured hoping to receive some outside help because I could not defend against her on my own. Most everyone I spoke to was disgusted by me and angered by the way I spoke about my wife. I didn't get it for a long time. I wasn't trying to assign blame or diagnose my wife...I was just trying to get some help, some insight and some compassion..and I got none. I really feel for those with this disorder. It's not their fault and I know that first hand because I watched as my wife turned my 3 happy, healthy, confident, well adjusted kids into the same person she is. She made false accusations of violence against me and the legal result of that was a stay away protection order which included my kids. This made me unable to have any contact with my kids for 3 years and in those 3 years she flunked all 3 of them out of school. She knew what she was doing, she just did not want to admit it or face it. And it has only added to the amount of shame she feels. And that feeds her borderline personality disorder anger which drives her insecurities. It's a self perpetuating cycle that she is in denial of but knows it is happening and knows the consequences of. But in those moments when she feels shame and sits alone in reflection...rather then use that emotion as a motivator to do the right thing, as most of us do...she somehow twists the facts so that she is always the victim and she always goes a on warpath of vindictiveness for every perceived slight against her. When she should be feeling humility and remorse she's spiteful, unforgiving and merciless. When she should be apologizing and feeling sorry for what she has put us thru her only reaction has ever been to double down on her lashing out at everyone... and everyone else just trying to deal with her while she hurts us, and then hurts us more as punishment for what she did to us to begin with. It's exhausting. She triggered a heart condition in my son due to the stress of her vindictiveness and manipulations. And she's in denial of it and has him in denial of it as well. She was traumatized by some event from her childhood that she would never face and as a result it's traumatized my 3 kids and handicapped them for life...it's also traumatized me because I could not save my children from it. She has brainwashed all of them and I can't get thru to them. It's like they are dead for me. I had to grieve them in my mind because having hope of saving them from this situation over the past 5 years was making me wake up in the middle of the night punching the wall... fighting the enemy and trying to save my babies from it. It was and is killing me inside. I did my best and it wasn't good enough against this illness. No one helped. No one cared. Anyone who got involved made it worse for me by not having any understanding of a borderline woman with high narcissism let alone the complexity or magnitude of my wifes deceptions and manipulations to keep it hidden. The denial and delusions of a borderline woman with high narcissism...it's fair to say that they have their own, integrated protection systems and the protections it deploys are strong as fuck and not for the faint at heart. Shes playing for keeps while everyone else has restraint and limitations. She see none.
Everyone believes I'm the bad guy. Even my kids who will one day find out how they have been damaged by it. Maybe it will occur to them what they did to me was unfair and extremely hurtful in shutting me out as they did. Most likely tho they will just continue to live as she has taught them and never know why they are miserable in life. They will bury everything down like a kitty litter box that no one ever cleans and be surprised when they figure out that there entire house is filled with shit. It's my favorite way to analogize my wife's illness. She's never resolved anything. She's got markers for shame and humiliation everywhere she looks. And they trigger her ego and rage. And those cause her to take a big shit in her own house and then she swipes a thin layer of sand over it so she doesn't have to see it. You can still smell it. It often reminds you it's there and it'd much better for everyone if she would just deal with it. But she never has. She does these grandiose things to distract from the shit pile that seem really pretentious and well... mentally ill to cover the smell and change scene so it's briefly concealed. But you know it's still there. And it always come back to the surface. It's a cycle of banging square blocks thru round holes over and over again. After 25 years all of those shits have conglomerated and form one giant world of shit that she lives in. Because she has no choice. It's the way she chose. And she is mad as hell about it and takes it out on everyone around her now. She's a nightmare to be around. Especially if she has any power over you. If she comes across someone she is envious of in her day..our day would get alot more miserable because she would be greatly angered by her envy of others. Because of her house/life that is completely built out of shit and lies. This is the same behaviors my kids emulate because she has made herself their only role model. She isolated them. Enmeshed with them. Because of it they will never understand why they are not liked or loved by anyone and are never happy. I really wanted much more for them. There should be more professionals in government that have knowledge of this illness. Because it has obviously become more prevalent. It took me forever to even understand what I was dealing with. For a long time I thought it was just a hormone imbalance and bipolar. I was not equipped to deal with everything she threw at me. Especially after my kids were born and she was postpartum. She was a nightmare to deal with. Someone should have spotted her behaviors and given us a clue what I was dealing with. If they had it may have saved my kids. I presume that my kids will beget more offspring and pass this Illness, and the misery it entails off to them. It seems more like an evil possession rather then a mental illness. If it is evil then the evil is winning. I know I tried as hard as I could because I gave everything I had fighting it and I have nothing left.... it's destroyed me. If I were a lesser man I would probably just put a gun to my head and pull the trigger. But I've already fought that battle and I know it's not an option for me so I guess I will find a way to carry on...tho I don't know how. 26 years wasted. Hard not to be bitter.
Jesus will heal you and carry you when you can’t. God Bless you and your children.
Read it all dude. Very similar to my situation. I have 4 kids with my ex and has been 5 yrs since our split. Over 3 yrs she had alienated in various ways our kids from me. So difficult for me now. I tell myself my kids are going to need me 1 day and that I have to be close and have to stay strong for them 🙏
@@Ellis_B sorry man. I hope you find a solution, peace and are reunited with your kids again. I've been dealing with my nightmare for 7 years now and it has not gotten any better for me. Only worse. The more I learn about this the more terrifying it becomes to realize that my situation is not the uncommon rarity that I had thought it was. I thought my situation was uniquely difficult and extreme because of my wife's untreated mental illness .. but to my shock and awe there seems to an epidemic of men suffering in similar circumstances and it's difficult to process. Because that also means that for every man suffering these difficult circumstances there are also multitudes of children who are growing up without a father at home or any positive male role model and they are learning these behaviors that they will pass on to their own kids and it is growing exponentially while the courts ignore this problem. We're in trouble because of this man. It's very obvious that mental illness is growing at an alarming rate across the country...I believe this is the reason why. This is alot more prevalent then the average person realizes. And the standard advice of professional therapists and counselor's is for the man to suck it up and hope for the best for the future and that the kids be left to their own devices to figure out what is happening to them and then somehow extricate themselves from that situation on their own. And that's just a ridiculous thing to expect to happen and its just not possible. I'm a grown man with much life experience, confidence and a large network of friends and colleagues to draw upon. It took me 5 years just to pinpoint exactly what was going on in my situation. It took me 5 years, much hardship and at least $30k to figure it all out. My kids lack all of that. They don't have any of the knowledge, experience nor do they have the funding or the willpower to get themselves thru this and come out the the other side with their sanity in tact. They are being manipulated and brainwashed and they don't know the consequences of it. They couldn't possibly. Now that I've been able to figure it all out I feel like I'm more alone than ever because with most things in life when you figure a difficult thing out after much trial and error it usually gets easier to deal with. This is not one of those things. Now that I understand the full complexity of what's happening to me and my kids there's still no solution to it and that is extremely dissatisfying and disheartening. I haven't seen or spoken to any of my kids in 7 years. I haven't seen the inside of my own house in 7 years. I haven't seen any of my possessions that took me a lifetime to accrue. And I haven't seen my dog that I ran over with my MTB one night when she was a pup and rescued her and raised her as my friend with love. I sometimes wonder if my wife has been able to manipulate and brainwash my dog to hate and fear me also. I have nightmares about it. I wake up punching the wall in the middle of the night trying to rescue her and my kids from the monster that my wife has become. And the sinister part of all of it is that my wife is a public school teacher. She has training in how people learn receive information. And it might surprise you and many others to find out that education is a simple matter of manipulation. We are manipulated to learn what they want us to learn and to be ignorant of what they do not want us to learn. At it's essence that is what education boils down to... manipulation. Even I was shocked to come to that realization but it's the God's honest truth. So our kids are being manipulated and brainwashed at home and at school. I think that most people would scoff at that idea but it's the absolute truth and those who scoff at that are the ones who have been successfully indoctrinated and don't have a clue. I don't know what to do about any of it. I'm just beat down and depressed all the time now. I'm not at all the man I was just 7 years ago. When you find out that the truth won't save you or your kids..the whole world just seems shitty after that and it's and difficult thing to live with and move on from. I hope you have much better luck than I have. I mean that sincerely.
@@jimig399 I had to leave my home with nothing and start again which is very difficult for a working man.
I was blamed by her for some scumbag bf at the time beating her up in my former and kids home.
Ptsd is used as an excuse now for everything, victimised exploding with rage at me after me being decent nice and kind for years with her.
Kids hear this constantly my daughter developed auto immune disease to go with her mums.
I know where my kids are and that they're safe and so do you my friend. My kids will need me for sure 1 yr, 10 yrs 100 yrs I don't know and so will yours. Don't torture yourself with past and future my friend.
I see this happening to some extent in all relationship splits involving kids. I think in female nature. Age of narcissism we living in.
Protect yr energies my friend
Awareness should certainly be raised at the authority level. You did exceptionally well to survive this toxicity. Many would not. It's a living nightmare. RESPECT.
Thanks Todd. You are one of the few sober voices on UA-cam to contribute insight and compassion to this discussion. As a 2e with BPD (+5 co-morbid and counting), I appreciate how much attention you bring to this disorder and, more importantly, how you take care to break down the disorder in its various aspects and offer a balanced optic where all sides are represented.
Nicely put. 🙌🏽
@@picilocarnal and
A 2 E?
Yes , thank you for your insights
#8 was the one for me where I had to break away from a BPD friend from my youngest school years. It hurt so much to walk away, but she absolutely wouldn’t hear of a boundary, neither would she accept several therapists diagnosis. Thing is, I feel it as a terribly sad disorder and I doubt anyone wants to have it. You are so kind to educate so many of us. Thank you Dr Grande, and Happy New Year to you 🎊🎉🎊
It is a sad disorder but it can be sadder for the innocent bystander. I had to end a friendship of 8 mos. as I was so stressed out that I got a Lupus flare-up. Stress is one of the factors for a flare. In the end I thought it's either her or me and I chose me.
Nevermorn she could be bipolar and borderline... I know I am. And please do not compare bpd with npd, we’re different. BPD people actually have empathy while NPD people do not. The difference is... bpd people feel so much emotions that it gets out of control.
I have BPD. These educational videos help me to understand myself better and what my partner goes through. We both appreciate them and I learn something new very often.
Full support to you!! It cannot be easy.
Good to hear from someone who is coping with it themselves. Wish u well💛🌼
How refreshing to see a person with BPD acknowledge the disorder in themselves, you are amazing! Keep up the great work.
I AM BURNT OOOOOUUUUTTTTT!! I am a husband of 15yrs and my wife has BPD and I feel like my reality is being ripped away like meat on a bone! Its hard to tell if I'm even really experiencing what I'm feeling or is it in my head. I know I'm not the problem but for some reason I feel like I am and I want the pain, the accusing, the flipping from me being wonder to horrible multi times in a day TO STOP! I'm struggling to maintain a healthy life and Im so depressed inside!
I hope things are looking up for you
@@sadenni counseling is helping...3steps forward 2 steps back...progress is hella slow but moving still in the right direction
@@patrickburns4821 all my best.
Run brother. There is no amount of anything that is worth trading your sanity for. Let alone the concept of peace. You've been deprived too long. Go get safe, far away from her.
I was with someone that I’m convinced, has BPD but I’m not sure. Anyway, what a whirlwind of destruction. It took me years to recover from the mental and emotional damage because I cared for this person so much but as someone has said elsewhere, friendship and love doesn’t help. These people actually need treatment.
I adopted a teenage boy that has BPD. He was not diagnosed with this when I adopted him. He left a trail of destruction in my life despite my best efforts to provide a loving environment for him. He would lie constantly and disappear for periods of time where he would convince people that he was homeless and being mistreated so they would take him in. These people would be shocked to learn they were being manipulated. I had to end our relationship when he kept started bringing home people he had picked up on the street and lying to me about who they were.
The most shocking thing for me is realising that I have gone through my whole life not having a clue how much I have hurt people...and totally convinced I was the victim..I split and then run off never to be seen or heard from again and I never understood why people were in shock that I suddenly cut them off..before I knew I was had BPD I had instances where I had to leave because I feared if I got angry with someone it would get to a point where I wouldnt be able to stop myself and I would physically hurt them..
Understanding and compassion can only go so far with a borderline depending on what personality disorder they have. I like your depiction of trail of Destruction. I always call it collateral damage. There can be some improvement, but my Psychopathic husband said I am not that man anymore. He also said other things to throw us off the trail of his scent. The things he said he is not of the very things he is. I don't believe him because he's treated himself he didn't go see counseling. I don't talk to him anymore but I wish he could watch these videos. This video was very interesting and informative, so much so that I had to forward it to myself for future reference
DBT has been very helpful for me and I think has been successful for many people like me and I have a fantastic therapist. While I'll always have BPD it can be treated through DBT, continued therapy and sometimes medication to treat symptoms. I will struggle with it for the rest of my life but most of the time now I can use logic to calm down my irrational thoughts and emotions and am no longer cutting or suicidal.
I would like to add for others who may see this and not have insurance or access to a therapist who is willing or even knows how to run a DBT group that just downloading a DBT workbook and applying it helps tremendously.
Proud of you Dianne, I hope you continue to be in remission.
DBT is only for the symptoms, you should then got to transference focused psychotherapy to actually solve the issues.
@@Nobody-Nowhere
*BPD is **_incredibly_** resistant to traditional therapies. CBT and it's cousins are the only therapies to have shown any positive results over the last 30 years or so.*
What's DBT
Wow. This is so helpful - You articulate the aspects so accurately and clearly. Lifelong struggle with my sister. She got a degree in Psych and counsels others (and don't even try to discuss your own relationship with her - out of bounds) - way out there symptom manifestations, never know what to expect - and after over 60 years I decided I have to back away. This can't break my heart any more and I can't take the anxiety and unpredictable explosions, followed by "are you mad at me?" -I've nearly had car wrecks just trying to stay calm around her. And I've been a teacher all my life. I thought I had the tools... Anyway - Thank you so much.
As a person who's struggling in my marriage and has bpd... id say radioactive is my best description bc for me, it silently changes those around it for the worst. 😓
The anger may be more appropriately directed at the UA-cam commercials interruptive of my viewing continuity.
put up add block it takes 30 seconds to install you will never have another add and its free
@@jamesrowe925 Then how does the YT'er get paid so they can keep making content for us?
Come on Dave, Dr.Grande bustin his ass to get off public assistance,suffer the agony with that in mind.
@Marco Hernandez jerk
Haha lol. You should install an adblocker
Like many have said, it’s the anger. The extreme, rapid and unrelenting hate he had for me, for existing.
I find that telling those closest to me that I have BPD helps us both in the relationship. That's not to excuse my behavior --but it gives some understanding or warning of it. I try to be conscious of and regulate my reactions as best I can.
I find the exact opposite is true with me
Wow you must be incredibly attractive (and female) to have a man even consider dating you and not running faster than the flash
I’d caution anyone from engaging in a relationship with an untreated BPD. They can be so out of control that it becomes a living hell. If you have a child with an untreated BPD, they may hold your child hostage, engage in child abuse & leverage them as a weapon against you if you leave them. Managing a partner with this disorder takes a toll on your physical & emotional well-being. I wouldn’t wish a BPD parent or spouse on anyone.
people with treated bpd are also a nightmare to deal with. Only difference is they may be more self aware tbh
So true, god help us.
Been married to this one. Living hell.
Maybe your child was held hostage because of your bad personality?
@@squashedshibber2684 That's your opinion. After your statement I wouldn't wish you on anyone who has BPD because of the toxic approach you have taken to recovery.
Thank you so much for talking about BPD with such empathy. I am in a Masters program for Clinical Mental Health Counseling and I wanted to work primarily with the pedophile population (mainly those that did not become sex offenders and want to work on prevention) but after my own mental health struggles these last two years, my recent diagnosis as BPD (and all the pain that comes with that), and participating in a DBT program, I think I want to be a DBT counselor and help others that struggle like I do. It's hard to understand this disorder from an outside perspective but I so appreciate people like you who do (of course assuming you don't have BPD).
I wish the resources to seek help were readily available to those who also are in tough financial times.
My BPD mother caused my dads dementia with her attitude, moods, outbursts & abuse. It was safer for him to switch off completely.
I was fixated on by a borderline. Worst 2 years of my life. It was a NIGHTMARE. I see BPD signs, I don't just leave, I freaking RUN.
It seems that a number of people have been involved with those who suffer from borderline. The number of comments is just incredible. I don't understand though how anyone ever recovers from being raised by a person like this. Your parent loves you one moment and the next moment absolutely hates you and tells you so in no uncertain terms. Even without physical violence, you can end up just destroyed. Thank you Doctor -.This was very clear and helpful.
After years of therapy I still haven't recovered. As an adult I had to cut my BPD father out of my life so that he couldn't hurt my kids. I could never stand up for myself but woke up in time to save the next generation from the trauma. My mother was codependent and to add misery to an already abusive household we were raised in a high demand religion and perfection was expected. So perfect on the outside and chaos and violence at home. I think having a diagnosis and a name for what we experienced helped a lot. I am sorry for his mental illness and for his brokenness but he would not get treatment and I couldn't do it anymore. The hardest part was the lack of understanding from everyone around me. I didn't feel a need to explain to them why I cut him out but really it was like going through the death of a parent with absolutely no support.
@@akgirl1830 What a terrible thing you have been through! You did a very hard and a very brave thing in letting your father go. I hope and pray that one day you will recover. Wish there were some special treatment for this that would really end this completely and forever, but you know, I've never heard of anything. I know people do get much better though, and I truly, truly hope you will be one of them. Take care and God bless. 💗
@@akgirl1830 your story reminds me a lot of my own, my saving grace was that my parents weren’t together so there was somewhere to run to. I haven’t had any contact with my mom since I turned 18, and 16 years later i’d say i made the right decision. I’m just starting therapy now. I think it’s helping but I’m also very worried that im just broken because of my childhood and ill never have a real relationship. Thank god im seeing my therapist tomorrow lol……..
@@rooseveltbrentwood9654 I am glad you are seeing a therapist! It helps to have someone who hears your story and validates your feelings. No one can understand how truly painful it was to have a parent who could not love you and it leaves a big hole in our souls. Therapy is sometimes hard as we have to work through some of our armor and let some someone else behind the walls we have built up. It is painful but also healing and the only way to begin to let go of the past. I hope you continue to heal and knowing there is a community of others who have had similar experiences can help.
Unfortunately my pwBPD decided to file false allegations of domestic abuse against me leading to legal issues for me and my children. It was horrific and definitely not a relationship I wanted to recover. If she could do such heinous things to me and my children, what else is she capable of? God only knows......so glad to be away from her and her trail of destruction.
She may have actually believed it. Borderlines break from reality.
I thought the borderline I was dealing with was lying to my friend and telling him I was "talking to him" from Twitter. Then it started to dawn on me that she likely really believes it because of her delusions. She talked about how all her friends and family were "gaslighting" her, and that even being grabbed by the arm is "abuse"
You obviously know your situation better than I do, but borderlines can convince themselves of nearly anything inorder to maintain that idea that others are the problem and not them
BPDs are master manipulators.
My mother in Law has borderline personality disorder. It's ashame but we had to protect ourselves and our children and that meant removing her from our lives. She had mentally abused and mentally blackmailed my husband his entire childhood and now that he has kids and he has a better understanding of what was done to him as a child he's finding it really hard to cope. We haven't spoken to his mother in 9 years and we don't have any plans to reunite with her. We don't feel it is healthy for him or us. It's an extremely difficult situation, but unless you've lived it you wouldn't understand. He went through hell growing up, never knowing what he was walking into and constantly having to walk on eggshells, never had unconditional love and never had unconditional support. It's been really rough. Everything you said in this video is 100% her.
The degree of severity of Boderline PD is directly proportional of to the degree of chaos created.
Your exactly right! Drama doesn’t just enter our lives. We DO invite it in.
I’ll admit, “trail of destruction” was what tempted me to click on this. I’m just picturing the Russians burning the entire country just to keep Napoleon from taking it. (Pretty sure that was the time period of that debacle, might be wrong). It’s not funny, but the phrasing is, a bit.
True
Thank you for a thorough explanation. Just found your channel.
Broke off all communication with my family 6 years ago ... younger sibling with BPD, older sibling with narcissistic personality disorder and parent who enabled both for over 30 years. Since the siblings were not in relationships, their rage turns towards me and my successful relationship with parent, spouse, friends, and career. They were like terrorists and I didn't know what aspect of my life they were going to attempt to sabotage next. After confronting them, they all blamed me for their lies. Let's just say, the last 6 years have been pure bliss.
Had to go no contact with my 31 year old niece. She would flip out on me many times. Physically attack her husband over minor arguments. Cuts people off during any conversation. Telling doctors what they will and won’t do. Fighting with their staff. Can’t keep a job, talks to her 5 year old step daughter like a drill sergeant. Can’t deal with this crap anymore. I blocked her. 2 months now, I actually feel better. I can’t help her. 😐
Thank you for another great video! For all of the years that I've studied psychology, I always learn something new from you.
My brother, and my best friend both have BPD, and I've known many others. I think the easiest way for someone who isn't a mental health professional to recognize a person with BPD, is that, they act like teenagers. Their personalities are very malleable, they are easily influenced by the people around them, they can't live alone, but they resent their caretakers, they see themselves as powerless in a world that they feel is acting against them, they're impulsive, and self harm when upset... The sense of emptiness and meaninglessness, that you mentioned, is a big trigger for anger in both my brother and my friend. They get very upset by anyone who is close to them tries to get them to see any meaning, or purpose, or responsibility in their life. They also seem to feel that there is some kind of magic, fate or some such thing, working for or against them; they totally reject the idea that they have any power or control over their lives. As a matter of fact, wasn't magical thinking part of the diagnostic criteria for BPD? Am I thinking of something else, or has that changed?
So... what is THE TREATMENT?.... My partner is like this....
As someone with bpd i do feel like something big is working against me but ima fight the "magic" I want a good real happy life an ima get it darn it
Married (trapped) for 6 years ALMOST DESTROYED ME, my life and my children's lives were affected.
I started getting stress-related diseases (like shingles and situational depression) the 1st year of marriage. This quiet, Autistic woman started adapting to it by taking on some of his toxic characteristics. Like a sick fish gets placed into a healthy fish tank...and the healthy ones get sick too! I became very confused, gas lighted and exausted.mentall I started to cry alot. I started exhibiting signs of PTSD. For the 1ST TIME IN MY LIFE I WANTED TO DIE. After a therapist told me that MY LIFE WOULD NEVER GET BETTER UNTIL I LEFT,
I finally was able to do so...but only after he dislocated my jaw and couldn't eat or talk for 3 months. This anger ( of not eating solid foods) allowed me to finally go NO CONTACT and divorce him.
Then, I went into a mental hospital b/c of the damage.
My 30 year old son has BPD, OCD, chronic depression, anxiety and PTSD. It's been very hard for our family and even harder for him but we haven't given up on him.
Thank you for this, Dr. G. One of my close friends has borderline. She's having a really hard time recently, and as a result she's cut off almost everyone in her life, myself included. I really appreciate your approach to understanding borderline. Your videos have really helped me to understand my friend and be more compassionate to her mental health struggles.
You're welcome!
I'm sure she's back
Anne Hedonia they probably fear losing you so it’s better that they do it themselves. Or how it’s been with me is I feel like a nuisance to my close friends so I don’t text like I should.
what I hate most about being a patient with BPD is how we're framed as being "helpless" or as people who are unable to receive affective treatment. However, I do appreciate how you don't frame pwBPD as being this helpless spectacle, but as people who've endured trauma and, with persistence, can be helped.
Paranoid ideation has definitely caused destruction in my relationships with people with BPD. When they get upset with me about something they think I did but it's completely made up in their heads, there's no way to defend against it or convince them it's not real or make amends. They're so convinced it happened, they just don't even want to talk about it. So I ended up getting scapegoated a lot for things that never even happened. It's maddening, really.
No relation with BPD! Just none! BPD are untreatable!
@@yuriloza7018 Only if they're malignant. It is a spectrum, after all.
They always twist your words and then it’s impossible to change their mind after. Like water slipping through your fingers…
@@yuriloza7018 That's a lie. I have BPD and am treated for it. Stop spreading misinformation, you ablesist scumbag.
This absolutely captures it for me - the exhaustion with the anger and occasional violence is the key thing that destroys a relationship.
If someone thinks an ex-partner has this and wants to help them - but that person is in angry denial - how do you help them?
Perhaps Dr Grande could make a video on ways to encourage people into treatment?
My eldest son was diagnosed with BPD years ago.
This video describes almost every issue I’ve met with on my roller coaster journey I’ve experienced with him.
Needless to say I love my son so very much, but after 30 years of trying to do everything I could do to understand his condition and help in in every way possible, sadly, after finding myself at the end of endless bad language, accusations and insults, negativity, abuse and revenge filled murderous satanic thoughts, plus continual threats of suicide I’ve had to call it a day with him.
The other major issue is that he has fallen out and taken legal proceedings out against every authority he’s had any dealings with, every mental health service, agency or trust in our area, doctors, specialists, hospital staff, the police force, the DHS, landlords, shops, but has blamed me for not trying hard enough to find somebody to help him.
His father, brothers and sisters don’t have any contact with him either, though they’ve always been willing to help him. It’s truly heartbreaking.
Been there. I understand exactly how your heart is breaking. Be careful of your life.
My daughter is there too. It's a whirlwind of idealizations and discards and watching her self medicate is heartbreaking.
Dr. Grande does an awesome job of explaining the constructs of a BPD person. He really helps with understanding, getting over, and moving on.
I'm praying for everyone-the whole world. I feel for anyone struggling & hurting.
I've suffered this for years & never understood. My girl has this we have 3 children. I'm facing domestic charges now that I never committed. Pray for me I'm trying.
Are you ok?
Feel for you, dear one. My loved one is in a similar spot. Kids together. Cops called all the time by her on him but he’s the victim. Hoping you and he both become survivors and see your true worth. Hugs.
@@yiskah same here. 24 cop calls total. These relationships absolutely ruin you from the inside out… 💔
Sorry you went through this, and this is why borderlines are demonized by everyone because of the ones on the high end of the spectrum… I’ve never been violent, I never made false police reports or domestic violence claims that were false… I was the one traumatized since I was very young by narcissists and other toxic family members.. I tried to get trauma therapy and I can’t afford it so I educate myself as best as possible online with dr. Ramani and a few others.. I feel badly for anyone that was abused by an untreated, undiagnosed high spectrum borderline personality, it’s brutal as hell! Unfortunately because of my trauma that was left untreated and neglected I picked up some traits.. I definitely have abandonment issues and need alot of reassurance and love and understanding… can’t seem to ever get that!
@@nancyayotte2297 I'm aiight! Kinda split up kinda not but shit is still in recovery mode at this point! All the pretty much fake drama got DHHS involved ect. Nothing like them in your life!
I'd really appreciate if you could talk about the actual possible improvements someone with BPD can effectively make on themselves with therapy and introspection. And that you'd say it IS possible to have relationships, strong ones, positive ones, romantic or otherwise, with work and patience, on both parts. BPD is bloody hell to have, especially when it's due to abuse in childhood, but you CAN work with it.
Sexual abuse happened to me as well , but that was only possible for my so called mother had destroyed me long before that happened -- and these people still call me a liar and dropped me .
You can but it’s basically the definition of insanity. The same thing happens over and over and over and over again…….
But I must say, I wish you were right…I really do because I struggle and I have tried literally everything humanly possible that I can… nothing works NOTHING keeps them stable 😞💔
@@chellyw8427 It's very tough for everyone : the ill person and the others
I think this video is important for people to see right now, during the Johnny Depp/ Amber Heard defamation case, especially. At this point, in the trial (May 6th, 2022) the public has turned against AH, in favor of JD, and rightfully so. But, speaking for myself at least, it helps to be reminded about having compassion for people suffering from personality disorders, and other mental illnesses. Having said that, AH has resources and access to treatment the rest of us can only imagine. If she could bring herself to admit to her actions, recant the accusations leveled against JD, and seek treatment for her poor mental health, she could come out of this mess with some semblance of respect. She might even be able to become a spokesperson and advocate for mental health- which, in a way, was what she was after all along.
I have watched most of your videos about BPD and this was the best one yet.
Thanks so much for clarifying this mental health problem. Now I understand what I've been through thank you so much Dr. Grande.
Wow. Thanks for the education, Dr. Grande. This made very clear a years-long, sometimes very difficult relationship. She minimized and misconceived the effort to make us work before abandoning us and all friends only to return to her decades-long abusive ex. Even then, she sought to triangulate from isolation. I care for her and feel for her struggles but cannot play the position of designated rescuer ever again. Truly appreciate your work here.
Randy Caba - You do understand that more often than not there is no abusive former ex? Almost all female borderlines will paint a picture of a very abusive ex partner very early on in the new relationship (red flag!) to paint a certain picture and built up a certain dynamic between her and the empath who will generally promise to be ‘the good guy who would never hurt her in her life’.
That guy is most likely similar to you and she will tell him she went back to him because the new guy (you!) was extremely abusive!!
Borderlines rely on that their ex partners will never communicate with each other to destroy their narrative!
If you met that particular person there us a good chance yuh would find out that he is a good, empathic and supportive guy. Bad boys and a**holes on the contrary would not let themselves manipulate through triangulation so easily because they are more self absorbed. They would just say ‘f**k you’ and walk away!
I was recently in e relationship with someone who has these symptoms. I fell in love with him so you can imagine what I put up with for almost a year!! I love him so much but I couldnt take it anymore. The different personalities, the idealization then the cold and emotionless. He would go from romantic and amazing to cold, silent and rude. My heart couldn’t take it!! A roller coaster of intense emotions I went through!! I never knew what version of him was real, if his emotions and love towards me was real or not!! I hope he gets help for this. He thinks he’s bipolar but I know that he was misdiagnosed!! I miss him so much but I gotta stay away. We can’t even be friends because of the mind games he plays and his disolutionment. He makes me out for the bad guy
JustlikeJessica I went through something like that myself recently. Not as long as your experience, but it was long enough to rattle my emotions pretty hard.
From what you’ve said here, I’d say you’re far better off without that guy. It may kind suck now being that you miss him, but in time you’ll see that you made the right decision by ridding yourself of the toxic relationship.
Best wishes to you.
@@iamthatiam363 wow, how dare you
I tolerated 2 years of their abuse. I think I have PTSD now.
My son is in that kind of relationship,she made it to court n made our lives hell ans stil clinging
@@humblewonder3260 *Precisely correct.*
Boundaries are definitely important for both the person with BPD (what to share, how much to share, when to share) and the people around them. It's healthy for BPD's to learn that and rely on themselves, self soothe.
I have learned that for sure, even if you share your thoughts and problems with the people who genuinely care and want to listen, there is only so much they can do. I appreciate the moral support from them. Honestly, not only BPD's but people with mood disorders and even people with no mental health problems can become reliant and codependent on other people and it wears people down. Boundaries for everyone is key.
To be honest, I have actually had to set boundaries with a person who WANTS me to be somewhat co dependent on him. I am glad I reached this point of awareness because that would be a toxic relationship.
(haha, just got to the point where you talk about boundaries :P)
They're just so abusive, they even memorise things about you to add to the abuse they hit you with ages later. They never take responsibility for this abuse. And they project projection - they'll tell you that you're projecting your own bad behaviours onto them, calling them out on things they do because it's actually you not them. But no, the exact opposite! It is them, that's why you called it out. Just another lie and a weapon they have. They'll blame you for everything they have failed at not you, it's your fault. In terms of communication they have a "whatever works" approach to their abuse. It doesn't have to be factual or true, it is far more important to them it is hurtful and evil. The aim each time is to maximize damage. Avoid BPD people at all costs.
This is an excellent video, and the part that I love most about it is near the end where Dr. Grande reminds us that EVERY person acts with intention at some time in our lives, and it is important to remember that people with BPD are PEOPLE. His comments reflect both his compassion for his clients and his desire for everyone to (1) understand that the disorder is to blame and (2) rmhold on to our own boundaries AND compassion for people with BPD.
The effects of a BPD can be a perfect storm with someone who may be PTSD with anxiety. Best to distance yourself. Perhaps 1000 miles and the boundaries of several States.
I personally have bpd. It’s very disheartening but also encouraging to continue learning about my disorder. I have my ups and downs, even when I’m the recovery phase. Lately I’ve noticed this terrible behavior coming back. It’s so scary, I just want to be normal. Thanks for your videos!❤️🤞🏻
Good luck. Wife has bpd, and I hate it and have little sympathy for people with bpd UNLESS they are getting help. You have all my sympathy.
@@9879SigmundS Thank you! It took a lot of loss and trauma for me to see the severity and impact of my behaviors. Like addiction, homelessness. I’m glad I’m at this point now. It doesn’t mean I’m cured. I’ve been able to keep up with school work for 2 years now! Off heavy drugs for 3+ years. I hope things keep changing in a good way!
Ketamine testaments have helped us a great deal. The first one allowed her to see that she has a lot of love in her life, something she had not been able to appreciate. It’s not an instant miracle cure, but together with hard work, it has restored some sanity to my life. While the “trip” and insights you get from it are good, it does seem to have some longer term positive effect on brain chemistry. We have had two treatments so far. Again, best of luck.
Oh hey, you're amazing
Want to understand what its like living with a spouce with BPD, imagine a remake of Groundhog Day witten and directed by Rod Serling.
Get out now!! Or you like being a sad victim
Splendid video👍 Thank you for the many videos you have been doing this year.
I have learned a lot from it. Keep them coming in the next year! I wish you a wonderful New Year Dr. Grande 😃
You fail to mention that those who experience extreme trauma in childhood who have PTSD it can add fuel to the fire when mental health clinicians fail to treat them and get hung up on BP or BPD when a person has ptsd..
Also we all know drs are very well known to not help those with BPD
Drs brush them off and people with this diagnose have a 10% higher risk of suicide than other mental health disorders..
I think it’s important to know that anger presents as over-the-top passive-aggressive behaviors, which is also quite damaging to relationships.
What about those of us who are known as "quiet" BPDers? I've never been in a physical altercation with a loved on in my life and I'm 39. I don't to turn my anger against others, I turn it towards myself. This includes feelings of low self esteem, questioning my worth, feeling like the lowest form of scum imaginable, and if I let it escalate; self-harm. I'm tired of the stigma that we're all violent people who are manipulative. Manipulation implies intent in an effort to get someone to do something without their knowledge. I've never manipulated anyone to change their behavior. The self harm is a way of getting a person's attention and a possible cry for help. It was for me at least.
Dr. Grande posted a video about us quiets
My estranged father said I'm tired of your roller coaster yet he was emotionally,phiscally,mentally, psychologically abusive to me......I'm the apple that proudly rolled far from the TREE.....I'm 39 today..I feel you older Brother from another Mother.....
Ty. For your comment
Self harm to get attention is the ultimate manipulation!
What do you mean you're "known as" quiet BPD? Known by whom? Diagnosed?
@@Mrs.TJTaylor I agree. I’ve been on the receiving end of that myself and I instantly want to cut all ties from that person. They also vocalized that they weren’t aware they were being emotionally manipulative. That’s the danger. To not see that as being manipulative. If you didn’t know but someone brings it to your attention, it’s your duty to recognize that is actually manipulation. And it’s not ok. Don’t make others responsible for your self harm .
My best friend has bpd and I have bipolar 1. When we met, she had been in treatment for years. Due to the things she has had to deal with, she has become so knowledgeable about mental health and strong and resolute in her boundaries. She doesn't have a toxic bone left in her body, and she has taught me so much about life. We sometimes trigger each other, but we can always talk about our feelings and make sure we are both comfortable and loved in our friendship 💛
I believe that Borderline, like all mental conditions, is curable. Does your friend still tick most of the boxes to qualify as BPD?
I wish you would discuss the trail of destruction for the children of bpd moms also. They see, hear and are the subject of the inappropriate intense anger just like the adults but often have no ability to leave.
Most informative! Thanks Dr. Grande. I did not know BPD was somewhat treatable.