Discovering I am autistic | how I have changed since my initial assessment | raw update PART 3
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- Опубліковано 28 кві 2024
- This is part 3 of a series of raw and honest videos that I shot as a video diary for myself during the period of time where I was being assessed for autism spectrum disorder at 30. I decided to share these raw and honest videos because I hope they help someone else going through the process of late-diagnosis to feel less alone. Please share this video with your networks of fellow late-diagnosed friends and feel free to leave a comment if it resonates with you - I would love to hear your story too.
Sending you love,
Charlie xxx
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Welcome! I'm Charlie. I spent 30 years creating a life I thought was expected of me. Eventually I burned out, quit my job & discovered I am autistic. Now I am looking forward to creating a new life on my own terms, and sharing it with you through this channel. I hope to simply be me. This is my journey, rewilding.
What is 'rewilding'? I explain in my first video here: • Rediscovering myself a...
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Hello friends! In this video I compare some of the practical observations and strategies that I made in my video log a week after my initial assessment with the ones I have now 4 months on. It was interesting to see how much I have learned about myself, autistic burnout and being autistic in 4 months, and it gives me continued hope for the remainder of my recovery journey and life as an autistic person! I hope that it helps you in some way, and as ever I'd love to know how you're doing this week in the comments. Sending you love! Charlie ❤
I don’t think I’ve ever felt so seen. 99.9% of what you struggle with, I deeply resonate with and are things I also struggle with. I have a deep gut feeling I am also autistic. I am currently in extreme burnout recovery so watching your videos has been so so cathartic for me. This journey has been so alienating and at times I feel so alone but watching you I feel that I am not alone. Thank you so much.
Seeing the difference between the older video and the new is giving me so much hope that i will find my energy again ❤
I am so glad to hear this, there is hope ❤️
Omg, i just don’t know what to say… I’m staring in disbelief to the screen rn. I’m 35 and absolutely everything that you said fits me, even the alcohol as a coping mechanism. My wife and I are trying so hard to figure out what exactly is “wrong with me”, and I’m on this journey for so long… thanks from the bottom of my heart for sharing this. Greetings from Brazil.
You're welcome! I sincerely hope you find the answers ❤️🙏
"...constantly analyzing my surroundings brain..." this-this is something I see in me, always. Its good to validate it to myself. I feel seen. I like it.
Before knowing I am autistic, for the longest time I thought I might have had chronic fatigue, but it was just burnt out. Your not the only one that other people confused as being lazy or not able to do things that neurotypical people could do without any challenges like we face on a daily basis. The more you know and work out how your brain and body coexist with each other the better you will be able to cope in a world not designed for people like us.
I have spent a long time considering whether it is also chronic fatigue, but I am pretty sure it is 'just' bad autistic burnout. Thank you for watching and reaching out with words of reassurance, I appreciate it!
I've had chronic fatigue syndrome for 10 years, but currently going through burnout like no other and questioning whether it is actually cfs. wish I knew more than just a feeling.
Had tears I'm my eyes watching pre diagnosis Charlie unknowingly discrediting herself for not being able to "keep up" with others and the expected flow of life. So appreciate you sharing these. It's really helped me in feeling compassion and warmth towards my own pre diagnosis Charlie through her desperation and exhaustion in a world she too couldn't keep up with 🥰
Oh Charlie! I'm so happy to hear this! I am increasingly convinced that self compassion is the antidote through all of this, it is just so hard to practice in the moment... Thank you for sharing ❤️🥰
Hi, I don’t think I have autism but I do have a different serious disability. I think my whole life I have over-functioned in order to deny the shame I have around the disability. Even watching you, I have a habit of judging and thinking you are over exaggerating or giving too much space or assists for yourself. I know that just comes from my own space of shame, so I really hope if you do get people hating on you for the way you are helping yourself cope with your disability, that you know it’s their shame and not anything you are doing wrong!
Thank you for sharing this, it's a fantastic observation and one I find myself struggling with too! I feel so guilty when I instinctively and subconsciously judge others who are also disabled for the accommodations they give themselves - and then I catch myself and think 'NO, THAT'S THE ABLEIST DIALOGUE YOU'VE BEEN FED!'. I appreciate you sharing this with such good intentions ❤️
Wow, I just discovered this video and watched with tears in my eyes. I've been in a burnout for probably over a year, but only gradually accepted it and started to cut my workload (still trying to do a PhD) a few months ago. And this resonated more than anything I've read or heard in my (extensive) reading and thinking about neurodivergence. I was diagnosed with ADHD in August 2022 and I feel as if I had hoped that just being diagnosed would make things better but things have just been harder and harder since then. I am now realising I may also have autism, and I am feeling hopeful and self-compassionate but also scared and sad.
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When you talk about spending so many years searching for that thing that is "wrong with you" and thinking that when you do, you will be able to "fix it" and experience the world the way everyone else does, that really hit home for me. I feel like so much of my life I have been waiting for this epiphany, thinking that when I finally find that one thing, everything will fall into place and my "real life" can finally start. The reality is so much different than that expectation.
Also the concept of being "lazy", and the shame for not being able to keep up with everyone else. That is so accurate. Currently unlearning that myself right now. I'm so glad I found your channel! Watching your journey is helping me discover my own 🤍
Welcome 😊 ty for sharing your experiences ❤️
I'm 49, dx ADHD last year, and on the cusp of accepting that I'm autistic. Thank you for sharing this, as it spoke out loud a lot of things that I worried were just in my head. I'd never considered that I'm in burnout, but as I sit here in the dark basement in my comfiest clothes after having eaten only what seems palatable today, struggling to squeeze out some work and convince myself to leave the house to buy groceries ..... ok, I'm seeing what you're talking about here in my life today. I'm getting a lot from this series. Thank you.
You're so very welcome, I'm happy we can share in each others journeys. Thank you for sharing a bit about yours.
Hello. For over a week now I've been researching what it means to be autistic. Some friends I have that are autistic themselves gave me some tests, and one of them checks for masking. All the questions were scary for me because I was really relating to what was being asked. I struggle with communicating and I've always tried to copy others, yet felt myself to not be genuine about it. I've felt I was different from everybody else since childhood so I desperately tried to correct myself to be more "normal". To be honest, I've done autistic tests a few times in the last few years and I've always scored high but it wasn't a high enough score to where it could've guaranteed anything. My country will likely not give me a more formalized diagnosis, but I'll be seeing a psychologist about it next month. I just wanna say that what you're talking about feels very relatable in the video. I think at this point in my life, I just want to accept myself for who I am and acknowledge there are things that I simply can't do like most people. I'm 27 years old so figuring out I'm autistic more late into my life may have been a net negative in some ways.
Parts 1, 2, & 3 have been so helpful. I’m self diagnosed and it has been so validating to listen to your story. Thank you for sharing and being vulnerable!
Thank you so much for this. I have also "wasted" my twenties being angry at/disappointed in myself, thinking I had some kind of horrible chronic fatigue that I would one day find the cure for. I would get "sick", then compensate by doing way too much, then get burned out again "sick" and end up crying at the doctor's office because I always got sick much more than my peers. It took meeting some other ND people who told me that I am also ND for me to start the process of getting a diagnosis, and I am now waiting for both the ASD and ADHD diagnosis process to start. I think it is amazing to find people like you, who speak like me and actually kind of look like me, and have experienced similar struggles. The worst part of this is not being able to talk to people about it because chronic pain and fatigue, as well as the autistic experience itself is not something most people can relate to. So thanks again Charlie, this was so nice
I relate to everything you have described in your comments. Thank you for sharing with me. I'm really wishing you all the luck with your diagnosis process, I hope it is a validating experience 🙏❤️
Undiagnosed but identifying traits. I started wearing the same "uniform" around 15 years ago. I typically eat the same things every day, especially for breakfast and lunch. There is something overstimulating/anxious about having to look at a closet full of different clothes to decide what to wear, or wondering what I am going to eat or if I will even like it or if I have to follow new steps to prepare it. Now the biggest anxiety is are my clothes clean and/or do I need to order new clothes.
People and overstimulation are my biggest challenges now. Especially at work. I don't like masking, but I work with an OCPD guy who has very poor senses of boundaries, diversity, and general respect of other's experiences. I have to Gray Rock around him, because he seems to always be wanting to fight people about simple things so he can micromanage, but since he has OCPD he doesn't think he has to respect other people's wishes. I work best in deep focus with clear objectives, and he likes bouncing off the walls and making everyone watch him work and do as he says. It's very slow and mind-numbing, but he thinks it is smart... very weird to navigate and instantly sends me into burnout. I look forward to him retiring, but I am also working on skills that might turn into a more independent work-from-home job. It's funny that most people aren't really problematic, though, and it's just that the people that ARE problematic are UNREACHABLY problematic. Like kind of one-way thinkers.
I relate so much to clothes washing. Esp when i have no washing machine..
Charlie, I just love you! These videos are helping me to have more compassion for myself as I navigate this new found information. My situation is complicated as I am also struggling through massive depression. On top of that…46 years into my life I am a mother of 2 sons 19 and 21 and trying to be the mother I want to be. I almost feel like a super hero in one sense, that I have made it this far. I have had amazing positions for work and at one point even co-owned a hot yoga studio. So being where I am now is so difficult and I am really struggling to both understand and heal and find a path forward. With the pressures of financial responsibility I don’t even know if I will be able to do what I need as I have been off work for 1 year and a half (working odd times for a friend who owns a cafe) but so completely exhausted I can barely function. I apologize I am all over the place and not able to articulate in the way I have previously been able to. I honestly have no idea where to go with all of this or what to do - the depression has given way to desperate thoughts (which will never be an option) but an inability to actually live either. Which is all so confusing because I have an amazing supportive husband and boys and so much to be grateful for that it makes me feel that much worse. I am not being the strong loving example that I have tried to be all my life and I am really struggling with this. Exposing my 2 amazing boys to this mother with debilitating depression is the biggest regret of my life as I have always been the positive loving force. I don’t know if there are even any specialists where I live in Winnipeg, mb Canada that are familiar with late diagnosis asd/adhd in females and so it is extremely difficult to navigate. I have reached out to many psychologists requesting information on anyone who specializes in this area and have not had one response. My family dr retired in 2019 when all of this surfaced so I have been without a dr since then. I have an apt today with a potential new dr so I guess we will see where that goes. Past experience has been they all don’t give you any time and just want to medicate you (did that for 25 years on and off until 2019 when I had had enough). I apologize for dumping - I do not mean to play a victim as I do not wish to engage in victim consciousness, I am simply lost and really trying to navigate on my own. Thank you for listening and for having the ability to make and post videos, I see so much of myself in what you are reflecting. Lots of love to you beautiful Charlie girl ❤
I'm so glad these videos help in some small way, especially with a reminder of the power of self compassion. It sounds like you're going through a really tough time and that you are doing everything within your power to recover so I hope you can find the love within yourself for yourself that you clearly already hold for your family ❤️🙏 It's not easy, for sure - we aren't taught how to love ourselves! But you are so worthy of it ❤️
I haven’t gone for a professional assessment yet, but boy did I dig deep into my family’s history with mental illness/issues/whatever and respect looking at myself and I started noticing some things. Started reading medical papers about disorders and the brain, comparing them to myself and my family, taking all kinds of assessments just as a gauge for whether I should go get checked for something to deal with my mental health. I just want some answers to understand myself. From everything that my fiancée sees, and talking to friends of hers who had their diagnosis said I sound just like them and it’s sounds like ASD and BPD. Possibly AuDHD and BPD. Looking back in hindsight, from that perspective, i mean….a whole lot all of a sudden makes sense. I was told by my fiancée friend to not even bother wasting the time and money then laughed and said I’m definitely autistic. Lmao I mean I guess that’s some form of validation at least. The one thing that made them believe so was my sudden chronic migraines, ibs/gastritis, and insomnia issues that started in my early 20’s. In my early 30’s now and finally feeling like I’m understanding whats ben happening to me for 3 decades with the newer stuff in my 20’s. But my god the migraines….no words to describe the pain and discomfort, irrregular body temp regulation, vomiting, hallucinations, confusion, cold sweats, dizziness, me head feeling like a truck is on it and like a kick boxer is wailing on the inside of my skull…the worst
This video resonates with me a lot. I’ve newly discovered that I’m autistic. And now when I look back on videos I made from even a year ago, I feel so much sadness and empathy for myself. I had just received a DID diagnosis and had learned so much but still couldn’t understand so much about myself. And I would just cry and be so confused and not be able to speak. And I thought I just had to try harder. I was really hard on myself. And it’s thanks to content creators like you that I have learned I’m autistic and that I’ve started to figure out what I need. And I can now say that I am not depressed for the first time in over ten years. So thank you 🤍🌻
I'm so sorry you've been through such a hard time ❤️🫂 sending you love, we're all in this together somehow! 🌻
Super helpful!
Thanks so very much,it's given me hope as I'm in the middle of a major burnout x
This is a reallly good video, thanks!
The thing that struck me is the difference in your appearance. In the one from 2022 you look like a nice grandma compare to now when you look like a happy young person. It is nothing wrong with looking like a grandma, when you are one, but not at 30. The most important thing in life is knowing yourself. I follow you and I try to make a comparison to my ideas about life and to challenge all my convictions. The layer of things that society has put on us, like how and where we are suppose to be at a certain age is huge and so hard to get away from. We are suppose to live life and be happy and well. I did conform a lot, and my mental health took the toll. I was also a lawyer too, so I understand exactly how the pressure was mounting, and I have 2 kids. I was this tiny robot doing all that a woman is expected to do in the home, being in private practice, driving a lot a mileage per day, looking presentable full make up on, high heels, newly married...and so on. I got married and had 2 kids in a span of less than 3 years and never stopped working . At one point I breastfed for 6 months, pumping milk in a Court toilet room. And I felt like I should do more, like I am not special, like I need more things done in a day. Then I decided to migrate and started from 0 at 40. Here I am now, 8 years later, at my second country, studying to be able to switch my career with 3 autoimmune diseases and with a precarious mental health due to thyroid problems and stress. As a conclusion I think the world in which we live in today is tough, the speed of life is crazy, the financial needs of a family are huge and very hard to obtain even with a decent income but we also have only one life and we really need to prioritized our selves and our mental health. I wish you all the best in your journey and congratulate you for the courage to speak up and you family, especially your hubby, for supporting and accepting your needs.
Thank you for making these videos! I feel so hopeful watching you.
That's music to my ears! I'm so pleased they help in some small way.
Hi. I am following you to learn more how to put myself out there, sharing my journey while going through it. Thanks.
Thank you, Charlie. Some very vulnerable stories and exposures of your ongoing experience that is helping many understand themselves and their loved ones. Which brings me to ask if we could hear from your partner, and his perspective? Thanks again.
Found your other video with your partner! Watching it now! Thank you!
feel like crying myself watching this, the way you describe things i can see in myself.
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I so relate to this
I've been learning so much about autism, very much obsessing about it which does seem characteristic kind of lol but I'm still unsure. I mean I am pretty sure that I am autistic, so many different things I identify with from different autistic people, and never fitting in with people.
I really identified with what you said about being who you are supposed to be, certainly keeping a happy face on is part of that and now I'm a mom so that's a lot of pressure around others too, like worry that they might not think I'm a good mom or whatever bullshit.
Lately I've been having a hard time just doing normal household things that I always did before. I have 2 kids and my husband doesn't help out very much with chores and errands so it is a lot to be kept up with. Now even just doing the dishes every day is hard, I haven't been always getting it done and I struggle to remember to take out meat for the next nights supper and making dinner each night, so many important things like that, it's hard right now. I don't want to leave the house very much, but I'm the only one that does it so I have to get the groceries and stuff but I get so tired out from it.
I am still a bit unsure so I don't want to say that I'm in autistic burnout but it does seem like it might be. I realized when I wrote it in my journal that I'm struggling to do things I used to do all the time.
I'm sorry that you're going through this and I hope that you find the answers that help you understand how to heal and take care of yourself ❤️ Thank you for sharing a bit of your story.
I can understand what you’re going through. I’m a self diagnosed autistic and am trying to get two of my kids assessed. I have been having burnout off and on for a while now. I also have shut down, where when I wake from a nap, I may be unable to move or talk for an hour or more, but can heat and process what’s being said around me. It only ends when I stop trying to get up and take another long nap. My husband helps with chores and kids but not often. I get so frustrated at how slow I am at cleaning and cooking. I thought I’d make spaghetti with premade sauce and noodles since it’s fast. Fast forward an hour and a half and I’m insulting myself for still not being done. I feel like I’m going around the house all day trying to get things done but it’s as though I’m in a hamster wheel and I don’t see much progress. Even if I dedicate 6 hours to cleaning without the kids at home I have little progress. I need to be working on not belittling what I am able to do and take more breaks.
@@marmedello "remember we're all in this together, keep your stick on the ice" that's Red Green, did u ever see that?
Thank you for the encouragement and positive vibes. You certainly seem to be thinking more deeply now and examining your past and monitoring yourself. That's a good thing. I also found it useful to create a technique where I use all my senses to remember and document my experiences from childhood onwards. The way we respond to stimuli such as food and indoor and outdoor surroundings in nature can teach us a lot about ourselves. I really enjoyed remembering my good past but I block the bad parts. However, it is a step towards dealing with it.
That's a really awesome piece of advice, thank you for sharing!
@@charlierewilding You're welcome. I am glad you find it useful.
Yes analyzing different behaviours we have can be so illuminating. I've always paced while talking on the phone, which I now think is maybe stimming. If I don't move around it's just awful, I can stay on the phone for quite a while with someone I know well as long as I pace around. People are so interesting, and you are one of them, certainly worth keeping an eye on yourself.
@@heedmydemandsThank you, Yes, physically moving around certainly gets our neurons flowing as they carry sensory information. I am similar. I pace up and down when having an inner dialogue with my subconscious. It is very soothing and refreshing. It's kind of like brainstorming for ideas when trying to make sense of things. I think the best time to do this is late afternoon or early evening time when our Theta brain waves are more active during the day. It is a time when our subconscious mind draws out unconscious elements through knowledge we have acquired and mental images from our memories that are more open and accessible to us than at any other time of the day, while also keeping our conscious awareness open, to a lesser extent. I usually take long walks in the park during this time of the day when the weather is nice and sunny. The stimuli also help increase positive feelings and thoughts and create more relaxation.
@@murtazaarif6507 you have given me much to think about, I shall retire to my studies
Hi Charlie, i resonate so much with what you're sharing. Ive had a similar experience of self discovery and self connection through my own eating disorder recovery. Im wondering if you are also an introvert or not? My therapist has encouraged me to acknowledge my limits and we're currently putting it down to introversion... but i wonder... if i might also be on the spectrum. Keep being you 💜
I haven't quite figured out how my autism diagnosis intersects with introversion/extroversion. When I was younger I thought I was an extrovert, then an ambivert and then an introvert... and then introvert didn't cut it either because it didn't seem to explain the social communication challenges and sensory issues I was experiencing. I really hope that with the help of your therapist you're able to find the answers that feel right to you ❤️❤️
Yeah, I've only been diagnosed asd for a few days, yet I realise that I'm not "fixable", but at least I understand that God or whatever made me as I am because I was meant to be born this way.
I'm sick of trying to fit in. I'm all but done trying. I think that I'll just be a hermit for the rest of my life lol. Its tempting, but life goes on I guess. I've already missed numerous boats, I dont want to miss any important ones that are left (the rest can bugger off though).lol.