Discovering I am autistic | Feeling overwhelmed & burned out | Raw emotional update PART 2
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- Опубліковано 2 гру 2022
- This is part 2 of a series of raw and honest videos that I shot as a video diary for myself during the period of time where I was being assessed for autism spectrum disorder at 30. I decided to share these raw and honest videos because I hope they help someone else going through the process of late-diagnosis to feel less alone. Please share this video with your networks of fellow late-diagnosed friends and feel free to leave a comment if it resonates with you - I would love to hear your story too.
Sending you love,
Charlie xxx
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Welcome! I'm Charlie. I spent 30 years creating a life I thought was expected of me. Eventually I burned out, quit my job & discovered I am autistic. Now I am looking forward to creating a new life on my own terms, and sharing it with you through this channel. I hope to simply be me. This is my journey, rewilding.
What is 'rewilding'? I explain in my first video here: • Rediscovering myself a...
Thank you SO much for generously sharing your stories in the comment section of Part 1 that I posted last week ❤If you feel comfortable, perhaps this week you could share a bit about your experience with hitting autistic burnout... I think it would be wonderful to see a comment section full of people supporting each other in recovery 🥲 Sending you love, Charlie xxx
I was diagnosed with Autism and ADHD a week or so ago.. I’m struggling to keep it together, in the evenings I’m now absolutely shattered - it’s almost as if knowing that I’m masking is making the effort more draining. I’m grateful for you sharing your experience - i feel less alone.
Just circling back to say I just watched part 3 and that level of compassion (and letting everything that’s secondary fall away) is really useful to me at the moment. Thanks again. :)
It knocks most peoples confidence because we know we're socialising in a non conventional way and sometimes doing it wrong, but we cant really do much to help it.
I love how you do an intro then play the video. I’ve seen very few people do that.
This video means a lot to me because I've struggled with my mental health and I tried to do everything that was expected of me, I was working in an office too and I had anxiety all the time. I experience executive dysfunction and PDA (a persistent drive for autonomy). After realising I'm Autistic I'm much more aware of everything and I was ignoring the signs because I was ashamed and I didn't want people to think that I don't have everything together in my life. I've realised that I had a dysregulated nervous system and I was in constant hyper vigilance mode and now I know why. I was really struggling with managing my energy and I resonate so much with how you felt when you made this video. I'm currently recovering and making changes in my life and it's really hard!
Not at all it is not lazy or uselessness. It is brave and selfless and kind of you to share this. I live it myself. I know exactly what you are talking about.
This was randomly suggested to me and I don't know why, but I can really relate!! I got my official diagnosis in January this year and I'm still struggling to accept that. Before the diagnosis I felt like an intruder, but now I'm just realizing how autistic I am even if others don't see it as much (I still mask like my life depends on it but it's getting harder and harder). So this really hits home.. Thank you for this, you have a very calming presence. I really enjoyed the video. I hope all goes well for you! :]
Oh cool, it's lovely to see you stumble across this little corner of the internet - welcome 😊Thank you for sharing a little bit about yourself, and I resonate so much with the still struggling to accept your diagnosis part... and the fact it is mostly an internal struggle because of masking. Sometimes I can't understand why the people around me don't see that I'm struggling so much and then I realise it's because much of it is internal and I still mask a lot (even when I don't try to). The acceptance part is taking longer because I also experience imposter syndrome (I wonder if you do too). But exchanging messages with lovely people like you helps to realise that it is a process that we will get through and that there are people out there who understand ❤ Thank you for your kind words! Wishing you all the best 😊
@@charlierewilding thank you! And yes, I do feel you on the imposter syndrome. It's so hard to find people I relate to but this channel has been amazing!! And so inspiring!! So thank you for all that you've done so far, I really look forward to what else you decide to share! Wishing you all the best too :]
@@cathniss2233 😊❤️❤️❤️
On my list for further study is burnout and meltdowns and shutdowns. I am struggling with some stuff in life right now like hygiene, having a shower just doesn't seem like a high priority and it's just for me and I have a lot of other stuff to do. But I am spending so much time trying to learn about autism, obsessively, I know my husband is tired of hearing me talk about it, I can carry on and on lol. I've realized so many executive function things that I struggle with like working memory, I make lists, always write things down or I won't remember, time management, etc.
I’ve had several “crash-and-burn” periods in my life (I’m 49). I always believed they were depressive phases, although they were characterised as more by anxiety as depressive symptoms. I now believe they were autistic burnout. I am undiagnosed but have come to realise that I am autistic since recognising that my son, now 8, is autistic. (He is diagnosed.)
Oooo yes, the cyclical burnouts. I didn't realise what they were either, I guess because they become so normal to us. Until one day it's so bad it makes you stop and think more. ❤️
Consciousness is always shifting awareness between parallel realities.
Consciousness is not contained within a single reality.
In order to do this shifting, all potential parallel realities must already exist.
I was diagnosed with autism at 7 years old, and your videos completely resonate with me.. thank you so much for these videos, I don't feel so alone in the world now. ❤
I really appreciate you sharing these initial videos- this process sometimes hits me with overwhelming waves of emotion, but I know things will smooth out over time. After feeling so alone and different for so long, it helps so much to know others understand! ❤
Thank You for sharing!! I relate to everything you said! It is good to hear someone else going through these difficulties.
I'm so glad it helps 😊❤️
Ahhh this hits home SO MUCH! Also I found it interesting (for myself) the date you filmed this because I got MY autism diagnosis on the 21st of this July! Agh! I have been experiencing waves off and on of autistic burnout throughout these last couple years, just got married a month and a bit ago and I haven’t been able to handle special interests either! I’m JUST now starting to pick them up again (thank God!) . Thank you for sharing these experiences. You’re so not alone! It sucks that you’ve experienced this too, and also you are not alone!
Thank you Emily! I'm sorry you're going through it too, it's super tough - it sounds like our journeys have been remarkably similar. I got married in November last year and burned out on our honeymoon 😅 Congratulations on getting married, and I qm sending you all the love in the world in this new chapter ❤️
I relate to you so deeply, I have no words to express. I'm waiting for my psychiatrist appointment and hope she will listen to me and not just bombard with me that I am struggling because my lack of skills/emotional regulation.
Wish you healing.
I really hope she sees and hears you. Sending you love. ❤
Wishing you the best! Although I have never been diagnosed, there is definitely something. At 38, I still struggle with sounds, lights, too many people and also the feelings of not being able to breath when too over stimulated. I never understood what it was. It is unbearable. Low and behold, my son is the same way. At only 9, I am proud of him as he handles things so well. Anxiety can be a terrible thing. I am really wishing you the best. You are going to help so many with your videos. 💕🙏
There is also "highly sensitive person" HSP trait which may or may not go with autism
I’m sorry you are struggling right now. I’m sending you love and I would encourage you to focus on the Gospel of Matthew in this season in your life. ❤❤
I’ve been going through this for the last 6 months
It was a relief for me. It means I'm not crazy. It means the struggles I feel are mostly due to living in a culture made for neurotypical people. Have you ever travelled overseas and suddenly felt more normal? I've been to India 5 times and the reason I like it so much is because there every foreigner is strange so I don't get noticed at all. I love it. Embrace your differences and don't let it get you down. You're special, you're amazing and there is nothing wrong with you.
As for the burnout I am soon getting an Oura ring so I can track my stress levels. This will enable me to prioritise relaxation over more stressful activities as people with asperger's don't have as much ability to realise how stressed they are and with the hyper focus and obsessive thinking it's all too easy to just keep going, anything from working late on a project to not taking a jumper off when I'm hot but distracted with finishing a task.
Wow, looks like things are much more serious than I believed! It really sounds like dissociation, almost.
These are certainly challenging times. Although, I do like wintertime because society calms down a bit as it did during covid, which feels cosy, at least on a local community level, but not at the level of external environments such as media and politics. We know what happened with the rise of age and race discrimination during covid, which I feel was the making of mass media and political propaganda. In these external environments, we are less directly connected with others unlike our local community level but we still play a part in society. I am dreading what happens after the new year when things speed up and we are expected to fit into conventions such as finding work. Apart from the two-year waiting list for the diagnosis of Aspergers Spectrum, I am also currently waiting for the outcome of my disability questionnaire form to see if the job centre's medical people will accept my request to make the job centre easier on me. This will be a big help. In my opinion, the job centre is useless because they just want to get numbers and not get people into long-term jobs. Every few years I struggle with jobs I find myself whenever I fall under the cracks or radar and end up in a job by accident as I did during the near end of covid. I then suffer and go back to square one feeling a little bit more destroyed. I agree life is scary and we want to cry. I only get four hours of sleep. When pressure builds up with sensory overload and bad memories overplay in my mind I need to reboot after weeks or months of build-up. Rebooting is a perfect word for you to describe this, I like that. The mind operates very much like a computer. I think we can understand how the autistic mind processes information better through 'Neuro Linguistic Programming NLP which models computer programming. I also become overwhelmed with everyday tasks such as keeping my room clean and taking care of myself and struggle to maintain it. I call this shutting myself out from the world which I have done since childhood. I stopped using social media in 2017 because I became a victim of bullying on Facebook just like in all areas of my life. However, I find UA-cam a decent and useful outlet because unlike Facebook and other similar platforms, we are not so directly interconnected with others that we do not know without our permission e.g., I really disliked being tagged by bullies on Facebook although I know that UA-cam has introduced this feature as well since then. However, personally, I like to be a perceiver and watch content and then contribute through comments rather than be a content creator. In my life when some people discover my sensitivities they take advantage of it. In the past, my GP told a psychologist that I showed mild symptoms of depression even though it felt very strong to me. I have probably experienced full-on depression too and still do because when life becomes extremely overwhelming I become scared of what I am going to do to myself. Around such a time, I was referred to a psychiatrist that linked my personality traits to Aspergers.
I like winter time too for the same reasons, though I do also find it means I can be even more secluded from people than I maybe intend to be! I am so sorry you are struggling with the job centres and I resonate with the feeling of falling through the cracks and feeling a little more knocked down each time. I truly hope they provide the accommodations you have requested. Thank you for sharing your experiences with social media and I'm sorry you've been the subject of bullying behaviour. My moral compass and sense of justice is raging on your behalf! I often receive nasty comments online because of the content I make about my autistic experience but because they are from people that I do not know in real life I find it a little easier to delete them, block them and shut them out from my consciousness. It still hurts though, and I do wonder if I will continue to have thick enough skin to share vulnerably online because of this. Whilst you may not create content, your comments are so interesting to read! Thank you for taking the time to share your perspectives and experiences.
@@charlierewilding Thank you and you're welcome, it's a pleasure to share my experiences. I like talking about myself. I try not to worry about the future, after all, there is always somebody lesser than us suffering more somewhere in the world and my lifestyle will be a luxury for them but my worst nightmare would be homelessness. Don't let those negative people's comments get you down. It happens to everyone. They do not know you, The problem lies within them. Maybe you can have your husband or somebody else read those negative comments first and delete them and then pass on the good ones to you to read. I tend to be more of an introvert than most people so don't let that influence you. I like your content as do many people here. Thank you for reading and answering the comments. It is very nice of you to do that. Sorry to write so much. I have a tendency to do that but I try not to do that all the time.
Yup, all of this. Thank you for sharing. How is the anti anxiety medication working for you since then? I'm looking for something, but I have to be careful not to use anything addictive (like Benzo's) thanks again so much 😀
PS - I read that book Drama Queen, that you talked about. Very good. Please keep sharing your recommendations! Xxxx
Hey Kate 😊 I no longer take the anxiety medication every day because as I am healing my autistic burnout and learning about myself I am experiencing my generalised anxiety disorder less intensely. I still take the anxiety meds every now and again, but only when I am going through a particularly stressful time with the help of my doctor. It helps me to know that I can take them if I need to, but that most of the time I am without and able to cope in other ways that heal the root of the anxiety. This is of course just my personal experience and I really hope your doctor will be able to help you. I am so glad you enjoyed Drama Queen! I will definitely keep sharing recommendations as I come across them ❤
@@charlierewilding do you mind me asking what the medication is called?
Also, what brand are your headphones? I'm looking for some good noise cancelling/ noise reducing headphones. Thanks!!!
@@katedhotman9282 I am on propranolol (but again I'm not a dr so pls speak to a dr if you are interested in knowing if it's a good fit for you). My headphones are Soundcore. 😊
This is like looking in a mirror 🤟
My story is interesting and I'm hoping to share it in full in March on my other channel "carstorm85 is ND" but I really relate to your part of the journey where once I looked into what autism is and how it affected me I dropped my mask and changed quite a bit with the short term immediate effect being autism burnout / shutdown that lasted a few weeks. [I wanted to share more of my story now in this post but don't have the spoons. If I remember in the future I will update this comment with the full story]
I would say try not to say “normal” its normal for us so it is normal
I totally agree.
I think it's confusing when people say they are "diagnosed autistic" as "autistic" isn't a diagnosis. Also, burnout is burnout & is not necessarily autism.
@@lindsayb1329 why did you even comment? Emotions over logic