Exactly!! I mean - the advice is solid but that statement about not pressuring the guy kinda undose what Matthew said about owning your goals and being proud of them. It's like their is still this air of "but don't scare them off with your demands." I think its totally possible to has the same goal and similar timeline for other reasons then pending infertility. Some men really want to be fathers too and want to find suitable and age approprite partners.
I met my 10 years - younger now boyfriend when I was 37. I'm turning 39 in a week and I'm pregnant in 5th month❤ I feel incredibly lucky to have met My person without having to have awkward situations where I explain why them I am in a rush to have kids: he just knew what he was getting himself into and was ready to be a dad sooner than later since I'm close to 40! There are men like this out there and I wish to every woman in this situation to meet someone like my partner. I was ready to be a single mum having not met him though- do what will make you happy and complete !
7 years younger former partner here, said he wanted a family soon and within a years time after our talk about it. Got pregnant 2 months later and his mask fell. He himself said of himself then that he was a covert narcissist and u pushed him in the corner and revealed him. Living he'll since then. I'm glad it worked out for you, I had to kick him out in week 30 because of his constant talks about suicide and "the thing is coming closer ". He grew up without a father . He got ro know his child when she was a year only to vanish again after a couple of weeks because of I assume fear of commitment and responsibility despite being great with her and her having loved every minute of it and him and I still getting on and spending whole days together where he didn't want to leave. I'm so broken for my daughter and almost broken by this man. A child needs their father and a mother the support of the spouse. I'm so glad it worked out for you and wish you the best but also warn us women how great of a risk we take. Its worth it to me because I wanted a child more than a relationship but I'm still shattered.
@@j.3069 I’m sorry it worked out this way for you and as a child that grew up with a series of step fathers never knowing my bio I can say this- no child needs a *terrible parent* regardless of gender, but in particular a ‘father’ . Partnering is ALWAYS a roll of the dice and men are very, very good with their masks- there are thousands of stories on social media talking about the same switch up that you experienced regardless of age difference, length of relationship, marital status, number of children (the man was ok with the first but not the second, etc). It’s nothing to do with _us_ , it’s built into the dominant male culture and at this point it’s something that culture refuses to address. Focus on your beautiful, wonderful child and do NOT bring another man into your home until you have taught your daughter to speak up strongly if someone does something to her or tries to get her to lie- it’s up to you now to raise her powerfully and with clear eyes. Put the two of you first, be her best model, focus on building your life and wealth for both of you- men are unnecessary in the home for these things, you’re better off forming support networks with other women because healthy women are _supportive_ , a net positive. You’ve got this, mumma. ❤️
I'm 31. I am from Ukraine and now I am starting a new life in Europe. I'm learning two languages and I'm enrolled in university. I really want a family. But I wasted my youth on a man who was not ready to choose me, even though we had many years of life together. It's very hard for me to get attached now. I want that, but I also don't want to be neglected. I don't regret not having a child with that man. I think it's an honor to be a father and it's something you have to earn. I deserve to be a woman who's loved. And my future child deserves a good father. Ladies, we can choose a man, but our children don’t.
I can relate to you. I emigrated to UK at 22, learnt the language and slowly established myself in a foreign country. Away from family and anything i knew i did pretty well. I had 3 long-term relationships with British men. And it took me way too long to realise that them saying: "of course I want kids and a family one day" meant when they're 40+ and have had their fun years behind them. My naive Polish heart broke after every one of my long-term relationships, landing me still single and childless at 40. I know for a fact that if I stayed in Poland, my kids would have been teenagers by now 😢 Because in Poland family values are still high, and we tend to marry and have children in our late 20s. I feel like I failed in life and I don't know what my purpose in this world is anymore 💔
Oh... sorry for this experience,@evew7634 ! Once, an older friend of mine told me that it's better to wait for the right man (and not have kids), than have kids with the wrong man. It gave me freedom not to be in a rush. I'm 41, single, no kids. Hugs❤
1. Be clear with yourself what the path is 2. Know your options 3. Communicate where you are in life 4. Demonstrate non-dependence 5. When it starts to get serious, then we have to get clear about whether they have the same goals on the same timeline 6. Be honest with yourself about whether there is the appropriate level of progress within the relationship as time goes on Beautiful
#2 is the worst. Because the only you can do it by yourself is if you have a good deal of money to throw at the problem. For most people there is no option B.
@@oliviariv I know a few single girls who've adopted toddlers or babies from foster care. It doesn't cost much ($2k or less?) and those fees are for home study and training.
I'm 42 and single. I've tried to have a baby during my last 2 serious relationships and it just so happened both of them had fertility issues, so nothing ever eventuated. I don't want to be a single parent so the past few years I've been making peace with the fact I may never have children and I'm OK with that. I'm still hoping I meet my person, I haven't given up on love.
That happened with my aunt. She's been with the love of her life for several decades now, but by the time they married fertility treatments were required. And she just happened to not be successful. They still live their life together to their fullest.
I did it with the wrong person because I was desperate and ended up as a single mom. I learned that is better to be alone than with the wrong person, I’m committed to enjoy by my life until I find my person and if I don’t that’s okay too
It might be ok, but it will destroy your child. Statistics shows that children raised by single mothers suffer the most later in life and these type of children end up as the most incompetent.
Thanks Matt, you are the best. well constructed video. My relationship of 5 years ended a month ago. The love of my life decided to leave me, I really love her so much I can’t stop thinking about her, I’ve tried my very best to get her back in my life, but to no avail, I’m frustrated, I don’t see my life with anyone else. I’ve done my best to get rid of the thoughts of her, but I can’t, I don’t know why I’m saying this here, I really miss her and just can’t stop thinking about her
its difficult to let go of someone you love, i was in a similar situation, my relationship of 12 years ended, but i couldnt just let him go i did all i could to get him back, i had to seek the help of a spiritual counselor who helped me bring him back
I met my now ex at 36. At the time I was looking at becoming a single mother by choice with a donor. I told him I was ready to have a family on our first date. He was too. We got married, had two kids, eventually went through a grueling 4 year divorce. Now I am a single working mom. It’s hard as hell. But I wouldn’t give up my children for the world. Life is messy, relationships are complicated, but if you want a child, if that is a life goal… find a way. With a partner, friend, donor… It will be crazy and chaotic and beautiful no matter how you do it! I wish you the best! ❤💫🌺🌈
careless advice with the last two sentences. Just because there was fantasy & unresolved childhood trauma, just going to 'make kids with donor'...... this is shallow and selfish to the children and with my profession, you'd not be so apt to suggest this if you knew what I knew. And how many women I've taken care of with cancers & deaths after "donor" pregnancy, hyper-stimulation...ayy. Better advice: focus on being healthy, whole & healed, find a good man/woman. Period. End there,
@@jac1161 can I ask what you mean with how many women you’ve taken care of with cancer and deaths after donor pregnancy stimulation. Are you saying this is worse than them doing IVF stimulation even with a partner or that any type of “stimulation” is bad whether doing with a partner or donor sperm. Thank you.
Honestly, I do think it's better to let things go the way they have to. I'd love to have a serious and deep connection with a man and eventually to build up a family. I'm 42 yo and I consider myself too old for that. Not because I'm old, but because I know how difficult it is. Therefore, I accept life as it comes. I may be lucky or not. Who cares. I live my wonderful life anyway😊❤
I love your life attitude! And I rly think that no matter how much you learned about dating or practiced or tried, in the end luck plays the main role at building family. So yes, "accept life as it comes" ❤
Same here! I see my friends with husbands and babies and a small part of me wishes I had that, but a bigger part values my freedom way more! Neither lifestyle is better but they both have their pros and cons. There’s definitely a silver lining.
Thanks Matt. This is very validating. I had a timeline and goals chat last week with a young gentleman on date 2, after he started telling me what kind of relationship he wanted and asked me what I want. We matched in many ways, but not the timeline. After we parted ways, I smiled at a tiny baby in a stroller and the baby waved at me. I felt like the baby was signaling that I made the right decision. Not an easy decision to part ways when there’s attraction and compatibility, but it’s best to cut things off by date 3 if goals and timelines don’t match. Like ripping a bandaid off, do it quickly. ❤
@@nikkyshamz2696 thank you. It was a mini heartbreak as he’s a true gent who will make a great husband and father one day. I need someone who’s already ready and looking for the mother of his children. I can’t wait years for someone to get ready and risk them changing their mind. Fortunately I only need and want one keeper. This last man upgraded my mental template with his gentlemanly behaviour. ❤️
You absolutely made the right decision. There are many people out there we could be happy with, but being on the same timeline path is vital. Being as intentional as you are gives you the best chance of finding the person you are meant to be with.
I'm 39 and I'm always very straightforward about my desire to build a family, have a marriage, kids. And the last time I talked about it with a guy, that I met, he started fighting with me about it, telling me marriage is such a huge risk, and women are always focused on love and getting results, they always have an agenda, not wanting to let things be, go with the flow blah blah blah. Trying to make me feel bad for wanting what I want. LOL Men don't understand this. They just don't. They're always in the "let's see where it goes" mood, and they become aggressive and cold when you want to have a clear conversation. Because you're sabotaging his plans about wasting your time. :D
Good for you to have found him out sooner than later. It's ridìculous to say that to a 39 year old. That's gaslighting. But be careful that you don't generalize men. It was just him. Not 'men'.
I find that if I go for more traditional men they are more comfortable with commitment. I don’t date non traditional men at this point. A lot of “modern” men are very selfish and insecure.
"sabotaging his plans to waste your time" 😂 Good soundbyte! I've turned down good men because they wanted kids now. Don't be afraid to keep it moving. I am hoping that you and them connect (probably not you're probably not near me lol) and get to business lmao. They are out there and on the same page. Keep it rollin! Get that man outta here and go find the folks I turned out! Let's all win and have a good time!
@@riccia888 pay for what? And what a stupid question. When kids are involved, both men and women usually pay in equal amounts because that is how the economy works now
So many of my friends are in this predicament. I myself was too, and decided to get super serious about finding a marriage partner at age 37. Stopped wasting my time on men who weren’t a long term match, and met someone who would make an excellent partner, intellectually, financially and wanted a family too. We married the same year, and love having our family (had my daughter at age 41). Fertility timeline is different for everyone and I’m lucky I could still have a baby naturally then. But many of my friends are doing IVF and other means to make their dreams come true, and I’m so happy for them.
@@gailainsley6939 I read this book called “Marry Him- the case for settling for Mr Good enough” because my want list in a partner was more than 20+ things! I had very high standards but this book encourages you to focus on your top 3-4 things that matter to you. But don’t get my wrong I did not settle! I dated as normal on bumble and only matched with career men like myself (a career woman) to find my partner. I started the new year with this mentality of cut men off who waste my time immediately! Too many times had I stayed in dead end relationships for years and wasted my youth.
I am 37 years old, I look younger at least for 10 years, I am economically stable, I have a good job but I have the same problem than Maryam. I dedicated my life to my carreer and my work, when I considerated to have a family, men started to say to me "You deserve someone much better"". I met someone 3 years younger than me, I ended in a third party situation and He left when I lost my first baby ( He was agree to have the baby). Men could be cruel, because even you can bring so much things to the table, then they can say to you, "you deserve someone so muc better"
Doesn't mean your eggs are 10 years younger. Women get this so confused.. you go into peri from 37 onwards it lasts 14 years or so depending on the woman. I think since you conceived before you should be fine to have a baby. Remember fertility goes off a cliff in a few years time. It's a cruel fact of this world unfortunately.
I’m turning 35 in a month and my previous relationship ended earlier this year. I decided to do an egg freezing treatment for myself to have less anxiety when going back into dating again and can take my time to find the right partner. The process also helped me realise how committed I am to this idea of having a family because of the procedures I had to go through. I’d recommend speaking with a fertility consultant and have this conversation if having a family is your goal. All the best to everyone who is watching this video ❤️
I did that. At 36 divorced, after 10 years of marriage, because he didnt want babies. I did egg freezing. Went on dating until 40. Did not find the one, and now I did IVF on my own with a sperm doner. I am pregnant, very happy, and regreted not starting earlier this family I wanted so much. Sometimes the biggest blocker is your own mind and conventional ideas.
@@tanishanightingale well how old are you? If there's a big age difference that can show immaturity in itself that he would go for someone that young, but not in every case.
@@anonanon7553I just ended a relationship with a guy almost 2x my age. I’m 31. It hurts bad because of the time and memories we had. He’s a sweet guy but very childish. Didn’t want to live together, didn’t want to get married. I didn’t want to wait and waste my 30s waiting for him to decide. My heart hurts but I should’ve known better.
As a 36 yo guy dating women of similar age, I found this video very helpful. Thank you for this mate. And my advice to all the beautiful women out there is: 1- Do not be afraid to invite your man into such difficult conversations when you think the relationship has matured enough. As men we are usually less mature and we are less likely to bring up any tough topics ourselves. We usually think let's see how this goes and avoid tough topics. 2- Think about and prioritise your goals in life before we ask you what you think. Communicate them to us in a constructive way. Otherwise we will assume either you have not yet figured them out (which will be a question mark for us) or we'll assume you need us and you have the weaker hand. 3- Ask your man what concerns he has about you, ask him to be open as possible. And also tell them frequently what you like and do not like about them. Communicate more openly and frequently. That will help him to not assume things.
Why are you telling WOMEN, yet again, to do the emotional labour instead of telling MEN to go to therapy, or do classes, or join men’s groups in order to learn greater emotional intelligence and capacity? Once again a man telling women to fix or address things that the man himself needs to be looking at and addressing.
Is having children important to you? If the answer is yes you should consider dating younger women if you want to get to know the woman well before children.Do your own research on female fertility over 36 vs women around 27.
I'm a 39 year old man and found this video incredibly valuable, thankful for this channel in general, and think whoever you are knowing what you need in a relationship and being able to communicate it is everything.
@@Goodwillwinoverevil1984 Not even a little bit. Women in their early 20s are way too immature for me anyway, I want to be with someone who has their life figured out.
As a 25 year old woman, I feel stressed and rushed enough as it is. This is very helpful, thank you! And my heart goes out to every woman out there struggling with this dilemma. ❤
"i feel stressed and rushed enough" thats good. Date with a clear goal instead of casual bullshit and always communicate. Nowadays its such a pain in the ass that most women dont rly know what they want.
@@identifesAsHelicopta absolutely! Thats part of the reason I feel overwhelmed bc I do have that clear goal and it can be hard to find someone aligned with that. More time that goes by, that’s where being stressed and rushed comes in. However, the stress also keeps me on track and focused. Kind of like motivational stress, but also just hormonal stress I guess.
I’m not a woman (or gay) but these videos are still very thought provoking and it is nice to see the female perspective in dating since I don’t have any in my life to have these conversations with
I think Matthew is telling important things for both man and women and maybe if more men would open for this kind of knowlege there would be less bad relationships.
Famous and rich men can wait all the time they want/need. Look at George Clooney 😅 and there are even more extreme cases. Even if the kids are not their first nor second.
Hello Matthew, I’m 20 and was broken up with about a year ago by someone I’d been with for a large portion of my life up to this point. I read your book “Love Life” to find the confidence to date new women, and discovered that I’m the exact person you recommend avoiding/leaving. Reading your book allowed me to become much more honest with myself about how I conduct myself in a relationship, and showed me that I have historically been much more selfish than I believed. I thank you (and my ex especially, for ending my complacency) for showing me what a healthy relationship with healthy communication REALLY looks like, and not my own version of it. I’m not ready yet to date again, because now I know I have a lot of real work to do on myself before I can focus on someone else’s needs. Your wisdom has shown me the path forward, and I am very grateful!
Please extend yourself grace. At 20 none of us know much about anything including our self awareness. Please continue to protect your heart and take care of yourself, I’m 28 and my biggest and most impactful decision of my 20s was only dating people who I thought could wind up in a long term commitment and communicating that to them ❤ I wish you all the best and you’re so lucky to have to this place at 20
Thank you so much Matthew. This video gave me the courage to leave today a relationship where I love him but am not getting the things I have asked clearly for. It is tough to leave later in my 30's knowing that I want a family but I know in my heart it can happen in so many different ways. Words cannot express my gratitude to you over the past few years for the advice you give. Thank you Matthew.
I am a single mom by choice, and my case was at one point similar to Marion's. What is hugely different is that I was so clear by 31, that just went for it with no other hidden agenda. I clearly learned my options for a companion where not ideal at the moment, I my goal was so absolutely clear. I can tell it was the best project of my life. I was absolutely sure I was able to cover for all of our expenses, and then some.... My age was ideal to take on the challenges of single motherhood. My daughter is now an adult, independent, and she is the apple of my eye. Warning note...do that earlier than later, because it takes a lot of energy, and please please please, ...do not hide agendas from yourself. Best wishes to everyone.
I married at 37 started trying for a child only for my now ex to be diagnosed with infertility. Went on to adoption - was 2 weeks away from meeting the baby and he abandoned me and declared divorce over the phone. I am now starting my life again at the age of 44 - I showed loyalty to the wrong man. Chances of having a baby naturally gone chances of going through the adoption process again too traumatising.
@@amandah1875no unfortunately adoption was all his idea. He desperately wanted us to do this. We even moved cities because of his job. Spent most weekends with his family. So no pressure there
@@amandah1875I doubt she pressured him. He would know what she wants at this age. My partner at the time did the same to me, but at least I got the best out of our relationship.
This is very helpful! The global dating epidemic and the rise of non committal people have created an imbalance and affected those who aspire to build their own families.
The only people who get "pressured" or who don't like to think about having children with you (even if the timing is wrong) are those men who didn't really WANT you in the first place. ..If an accidental pregnancy should happen but its not the right time, as long as it's with the RIGHT person, then it shouldn't matter!.. It's not everyday you meet and connect with someone you think is your other half.
@@nodiggity8746 ?? I meant every word because I'm just telling the truth. Twist it how you want. Couples who have "accidental" pregancies where the man truly wants it will never make it hard or run away. He'd consider it as a happy accident! A welcome one.
@@Goodwillwinoverevil1984 you misunderstood my comment. I didn't mean to offend you in any way, I just meant to say that the format in which you wrote the sentence was maybe wrong. Like in the sentence "he didn't want you" I think the capital letters should have been YOU. I don't know how you interpret my comment the way you did 😂😂😂
I think it's YOU who misinterpreted the comment, what I understand from the comment is if a man WANTS you, he would also WANT the baby (accidental or planned). Owner of the original comment, please correct me if I'm wrong 😊
This is the video I just needed - thank you a million Matthew! I am 35, 6 years in a roller-coaster relationship where he says he wants the same but "the feeling has to be good".. then we are good for a while as I dont say anything and let it flow and as soon as I bring the topic of planning, life & future up we end up in discussions, silence, distance.. so the feeling is again not good (according to him). I am fully aware he is wasting my lifetime and playing with my emotions, I just truly deeply love him (for other qualities) and didn't find the strength within me to end this and start over. I feel like I can never love anyone as I loved him as I have always put him on a pedestal. I've started with searching for an apartment amd I write down my thoughts.. processing the end of this relationship in my head. This will be the last summer for us.
So maybe just take him as a sperm donor and leave the guy alone with his rollercoaster. Don't inform him that he has a child and disappear from his life for good. Do you really think the guy will change? Do you really want rollercoaster dad for your child? Why do you need a man like this?
I have been in such conditions and it can be said that I still am, even though it has been a year and a half since we separated and we don't talk because the financial situation didn't improve, and he wasn't willing to seriously discuss it again. Neither of us entered into a new relationship, and I don't think I can accept anyone else because I consider him my soulmate. I even gave up on the desire to have children for him because having a good relationship was more important to me, and due to aging, I think I no longer have the patience for having children. We were in a romantic relationship for 4 years, and now it has been a year and a half since we parted ways... This way, 5 and a half years of my life have been disrupted, and possibly the rest will too, although I am calmer now and moving forward with my life, but not a moment goes by without me thinking of him... It's very sad :(
Sweetheart, don't worry about love. What you described is not love. It's still waiting for you. Nevertheless, it's not the worst in the world to have experienced this rollercoster (sexual attraction, romantic feelings)- the problem is it comes with a kind of brainwashing. Being able to trust someone is the real thing. Love is where you can really be.
@@katrbudz892 no, sperm doner is not possible, I love this person and will never do something against my integrity and beliefs so fooling someone is not an option. I can leave in a decent way. But you are right, he will not change nor I want a roller-coaster dad for my child. I wish other man were better so it would be easier to just leave but dating 2024 is a disaster thats why many, including myself stay for too long.
@@MaryZn_meemche I feel you, my partner is my soulmate too and since 1 year I am getting comfortable with the tought being alone. Giving up the dream of having a family is not an option for me. I will leave him and close the chapter despite this incredible grief for the sake of my unborn children. Just remind yourself how you met. him, you will meet someone else too. We were lucky to experience true love in life, take this with you and move on for good. There is good man out there. I believe in it.
Dating apps are full of fake profiles and scammers I've noticed. Best to meet people the old fashioned way, but easier said than done. As you get older, all your friends are married with kids and there's less parties and gatherings to be invited to where there are single eligible men. Being proactive is good but I believe fate, luck & destiny & timing also plays a part. It seems like it's a world phenomena most women have this problem - meeting the right person to settle down with.
Nearing 40 ,no matter where you go there will be guys in relationships or just single losers ,the odds are the same in the dating apps or better because on apps people are actually looking
I met my husband on a dating app 😋.. I think the way we use them is wrong, not the apps.. People who use the apps are the people you will meet in the real world in a bar or werever.. Use both the apps and the real face to face dating 😉
I'm now 40, been single since 22. I always thought I'd meet someone and it would just happen, but it didn't. I wish someone had told me to freeze my eggs in my 20s when I had more, and better quality eggs. No one talks to you about that in your 20s. And then in your 30s and all your friends are married and having kids and realise you've missed the boat.
to be fare its not all on the women and her eggs , also mens sperm is a factor and just as valid, lifestyle is also an asset to the quality of eggs & sperm so focus on positive ways to improve your chances to achieve your apirations like the flower shop 🌸
Women could try dating intentionally from their early 20’s? Is that an option? Should older women tell them to avoid hookup culture at all costs ? Feels appropriate now.
@@laurah3252 Are you open to adoption? My aunt got so lucky with her second marriage. Depsite the fact that she was already married once and had three children as a result of that marriage. Her second husband wanted more kids and then boom, it happend when she was 49 using invitro fertilisation. Cool huh. She was very lucky to have found a man willing to have kids even in her older age.
Ladies, this is difficult, but not impossible! Don't let anyone think you're too old as a 38/ 40 year old to have a child. Women can have healthy pregnancies and babies well into their 40s, and men do choose "older" women all the time to start a family with. Keep in mind that everyone is different, and when two people connect on a deep level, and have the commitment, they can make it happen! The men who think "a 38 year old doesn't have any eggs left", will pick someone younger, who cares. Do your homework, live a healthy life, and believe that you can find the right man. It's not easy, but it is definitely possible! And I'm not encouraging anyone to wait until they're 38 to start looking for their lifetime partner, but I do strongly believe that no one should be ashamed of themselves if this is how their life turned out.
@@nybrotherman it depends on a lot of things, not whether someone thinks they're unique or special. There are women in their early 20s who have medical conditions that don't allow them to even become pregnant, and women in their early 40s who are healthy and can easily become a mother. I recommend consulting with a professional: gynecologist and or fertility specialist and do all the tests for both partners before we put labels on people based on their age.
@@Wendywolf8 exactly. and the truth is women are becoming mothers later and later all around the world. Having plenty of healthy babies. We need to support them and women and men of all ages who would like to become parents.
Amazing to see this video now. I just broke up with a great man yesterday because he finally decided he doesn’t want kids, so I immediately decided to end things amicably because I want kids
Im 39 and happily married with three kids. Im very lucky to have the family i have, but its not by accident. I dated intentionaally from an early age for marriage- i met my husband at 20, married at 25, kids a few years later. I think women in their 20s dont realise the super power they have in the dating market- young and beautiful, and some extra time to look for your person actively. So many women waste their 20s dsting men they would never marry or who wouldnt make a great long term partner. I would encourage younger women to enjoy meeting people, enjoy their beauty, but dont take time for granted because as someone exiting their 30s soon i csnt believe how fast the last 20s years have gone.
The 20s are really strange. When I was in my 20s, I acutally felt incredibl ugly and unattractive. So if anyone told me that 20s are the time when I'm at a top of my beauty, when I'm particularly attractive, I just wouldn't have been able to accept that - to agree with that.
Why this video did not come out 4.5years ago? I so needed to hear people like Maryam and reading comments across the globe makes me feel I ain't alone.
As a single mom who hasn't dated since becoming pregnant because the other person left, I want to encourage every single mom out there: you’ve got this. You don’t need to make anyone like you or impress anyone. The right person will accept you and your child just as you are. Remember, it's important not to burden your partner with your past baggage, expect them to be a parent to a child that isn't theirs, or wait for them to love or accept your child’s behavior problems. If you're over a certain age and unable to have more children with your partner, you can’t turn back time. You and your child will always be a package deal, so don’t worry too much about the “what ifs” or “whys.” Just do what’s right and always believe that what isn’t meant for you will leave. Your child is closely watching how you change, how you handle your emotions, and how you cope when things aren’t going well. Try not to be a broken example. Don’t let your child feel that life is hard, even when it is. Laugh when you can, be genuine, and above all, remain authentic.So while you are taking time thinking of the partner and if he likes you and your child, think as well of the child, and what they need, we are moms now, and we need to always put our children first.
I think being a single mom might be not a hing somebody would deliberately do and by no means is it easy. But it's is still waaaaaaaaay better then being in a shitty relationship or ending up childless (given that you want(ed) kids). And to be honest, modern "dating" became a quite unpleasant thing, so it's not that you're really missing much..
I’m 26, and I could never say this to my friend, but she’s 37 and single (just “wasted” almost 2 years with a toxic guy she got engaged to after a month, after years of being single and healing), and she’s said numerous times how she never thought she’d be where she is at her age. She thought for sure she’d have a family by this point and how sad she is that she doesn’t. It scares me so much because it shows me how easily that could be me. It’s hard not to rush when you know you could easily be waiting/healing and another 10 years go by, or I meet some loser and spend 5 years with him and then we break up and I’m in the same position again at 31/32.
@@thecommonsensecapricorn YES. This!!! I have a friend the same way. Also same thing happened to her. But also, to yourself, I feel that completely. I’m terrified of getting into a relationship just bc as good as I am at reading ppl, they can still slip by the radar and just my luck it’ll be someone who ends up “changing their mind” last minute after like 5 years and then the rest of my “youth” is “gone”. I’m 25 turning 26 soon. I feel ya.
@@thecommonsensecapricorn also been waiting and healing for a few years now so I feel like it’s time to get back out there but damn. If it’s not the most nerve wracking thing…I hate time wasters and I’m at the point where if I get into something serious, I literally do not have that time to waste.
5 years only goes by if you let it. It's OK to have clear timelines. There are still traditionally minded men who want marriage and children. If you share your desires and timeline (first child by 30, 35, or 40 for example) and only move forward with someone who is on the same page and SHOWS it with their actions. Matthew explained it very well. His advice is on point!
You are correct it is much harder after 34. Women your age face a dilemma. Most 26-27 year old men don’t have the recourses to comfortably start a family and are early career so you would be gambling he will provide the lifestyle you want.. If you want a family now consider men who are financially successful around 34-39 who but make sure they want a family and marriage because after working so hard to be successful some just want to be wealthy playboys.
if youre your genuine self and express your needs directly, youll sort out the wrong ones so much quicker. you save your time and energy along with theirs
I know couples with age gaps where the woman is older, yet they still manage to be on the same page. Some men can even be older and not mature enough to start a family. You have to possess good judgement of who can be mature enough to be at the same level as you.
"You have to possess good judgement of who can be mature enough" Has Matthew done a video of this? Because that's they key. Can someone share a link? Or Matthew, can you do one? Because most women have a clear mind and communication skills. What's difficult is to spot the man who does, too.
Thank you, Matthew. I’m in my thirties and have never been in a long term relationship, so the anxiety is starting to get real. I want marriage and family, but I fear I’m running out of time. This message was encouraging and helpful. ❤
I wish I heard this 5 years ago but as one of the comments said: anything is possible even in 40s (that is where I am) ☀️ I truly believe that if we can see it I our mind, we can hold in our hands 😊 thank you for the video Mathew!
Ladies, please don't forget to live life for yourselves! Some of us get lucky with the right partner but others don't. Invest in yourself so you don't have to rely on anyone and date out of desperation!
I was married for almost 20 years. We were military, so having a family where we were both under the same roof was hard. We divorce when I was 38. I am 43 now. I still want children, but right now we are in a timeline where men and women are not getting along or they are not on my timeline, so I have made the choice to be a single parent via sperm donor, and I don't care what anyone thinks about it.
@@awsambdamanshut up. Mind your own f****** business. Nobody asked you. Go watch Minecraft videos. This video is not for you. To the op, I'm glad you're a single mom. I'm sure you're a wonderful mom. I don't care what anyone thinks either. You're a rockstar in my book. Keep going.
One person in the comments below said that the women in their 20s should be aware of these problems and should date intentionally I always dated intentionally It’s not like guys in their 20s are rushing to marriage and kids And women do want to find someone who they will love and who will love them back. It’s very hard. Especially if you’re not one of the top beautiful women Believe me, women are very well aware in their 20s that they need to marry before 30, the pop culture doesn’t shut up about it. But it’s not that easy. And years fly
Seriously, I just entered my mid thirties and have been intentionally looking for a genuine relationship since I was 19. So many people spout off statistics and life experiences, but never stop to think that SOMETIMES, it really just doesn’t work that way for some. But are so quick to blame me and say that I “friendzoned” the nice guy, or I picked wrong or I wasn’t intentional enough when I was dating. Like, what? People don’t understand that LUCK has so much to do with it. Many women and men out there are just unlucky.
Really? It's worth it?! 😞 But it hurts to be broken up with/rejected, even WITHOUT the child... I'm glad you had the guts to do it with the wrong person... at least you have a reason to still see each other and there's a chance you and him can reconcile?
@@Goodwillwinoverevil1984 you're so focused on a very specific narrative. I assumed the person doesn't think much about wanting that wrong person back. What most people in this situation are most grateful for is their kid.
I have mixed feelings about this. I am happy that your child brings happiness to your life but I hope he's a good dad. Growing without a fatherly figure or with a dad that doesn't fullfill his role is hard :( Anyways, I hope the best for you and your child
Sadly sometimes you don't know that person is the wrong person when they say that they want everything you want. I did it alone I had a Gorgeous Brave Boy for 8 years, his dad abandoned us.... illness scares many people. I'm completely broken without Joe but I am so very blessed to have lived the life of a Mum with my Amazing Little Boy 💙🤗👣
11:54 “I wouldn’t do this with the wrong person”. “I’m doing this with or without you” - I love this and align with these statements as they are often things I think about when I reflect on where I am and what I still want in my life. 16:50 ✅ 20:47
Thanks Matthew for this great video. This one hits home as I was in those shoes 5 years ago. I did not end past relationships as quick as I should have. Single in my late 30s, dating did not feel fun anymore for me. At one point, becoming a mother was more a priority than being in a relationship. So I decided to become a solo mom by choice. Best decision of my life!!
Matthew, I wish you could do a video about women in 40s who are actually facing and suffering real grief for the loss of being childless and single. It’s incredibly difficult and I know I’m not alone. Maybe even bring on a specialist to understand what grief actually is, its impact on the body and mind, and steps to overcome the battle.
As a 22 year old woman,that will have an unconventional path to parenthood, I really gained so much from this video, and I will be saving it for a few years down the line🙏🏼☺️thank you
I am a true believer that nothing comes to us if it is not in the right moment (no matter it is positive or negative) and for me, this video came in a very special moment and I can't thank you enough for the kind and pratical ways to expresse it. All of that I felt in my past relationship that last for 6 years but I decided to end up since I saw that he did not want the same as I. Is so great to feel that it is ok and great knowing that I can say to myself that I want a family as a priority in my life and there are great ways to bringing that to the table in a future relation. Thank Matthew and your entire team that put such special contents as this out there for us. It will definitely impact some decisions I want to make in the near future 😊❤
I was married for 10 years and it’s like having a grown child he was worse than my kids. I been there but I won’t get married again. I will date but no marriage he was acting like I was a servant and now it’s worse they are so feminine Joe that your gonna be taking care of him .❤Goodluck
Am 47 . At 40 I did an IVF and it worked on my first try. My son is 5 and a half now. It changed everything. I enter relationships with men cool with a "detached of outcome mentality". I am now dating a man who is 14 years younger than me. I am totally in love with him and he with me. I live one day at a time. The only big issue that might happen in the future is that he might want kids of his own....and what are the odds I can have another kid at 47.....but we do talk about living together and he even told me that if things continue to move this way he will want to raise my son as his own. I need to have a conversation about having a kid of ours together....I need another miracle to get pregnant at 47+
Just my opinion, take what you like and leave the rest, but if you've succeeded this far at being a single mother, maybe keep a gap between your child and this man. He doesn't need to raise your child as his own. That child is your own. Very rarely do stepparents measure up. It's fine to be in a relationship, but keep your parenting world separate from your dating world. Just one old lady's advice. You don't have to take it it.
I am nearly 34 as of August 1. But being a person of faith, that really narrows my pool. But another hurdle for me is working full time and I started grad school. And I have to consider being with a man with kids already. That’s a big consideration for me. I know I would have to deal with baby mama. Whether directly or indirectly. But the little bit I am able to get out, I don’t really meet anyone of faith. I have a few guys who have been interested in me, but none of them were spiritually where they need to be for me to consider them. I’ve met one, but situation separated us and I have no way of contacting him. So I can only pray to see him again somewhere or wait for someone else. But then there’s the time to wait getting to know them.
My husband is a very very religious person and I am an atheist. It’s been hard sometimes, but I say you shouldn’t be so closed when it comes to that. I respect his faith and accompany him to church, even if I don’t believe. Love for one another can be stronger than faith/politics/etc. Agreeing in marriage, kids, rolls, timing, is more important.
I was so devastated when I realized 'you deserve better' means 'I don't want to put effort to give you what you want' and my ex boyfriends were saving up money for his next girl... I tried so hard to be a perfect lovable girlfriend and it didn't work I'm 24 and I know I got time but I can't help questioning myself I watched thousands of videos about starting and keeping happy relationships now I feel so lost and angry
Same here! Just a couple days. My dream is have a family, but I also think.. I want a family and children, but destiny at this point is saying "not yet", and maybe it's because some beautiful adopted children are in my path or an amazing husband with childrens.. I just have faith and release the control. But knowing my dream
Personally I find it hard to get to stage 5 after you already have feelings for someone so I try and make sure they know I want kids and in the next 3-4 years (I'm 29) before it gets to that exclusive stage or even near that. But that's just me :) Also taking my time with dating and getting to know someone properly before any kind of exclusivity mentioned, is very important. Thank you for this video, a topic that needs to be more widely accepted and discussed, I have seen a lot of posts about women who don't want kids, but none about those who do but don't have the means to do so yet. Clearly it is a topic that a lot of women can relate to, so glad it has come up. Awareness is Key!
I found this video really helpful. As I’m in the process of looking into my fertility with a gynaecologist. As with being in my 40’s I want to see what my chances are and make a plan where to go from there. I’ve always found it hard to meet guys and calmly express my desire to become a mum someday, without freaking them out. I love the flower shop concept that it’s a passion of mine and can do it with someone or by myself. It’s really hard to try not to panic and worry about it when the window of opportunity is vastly closing in. Like the lady who made the comment, I’ve worked really hard in my career despite my ups and downs with it. I’m Glad that I’ve done all the things I have achieved, but thought I’d be with someone, get married and created a family by now. But sadly I haven’t and that does make me sad. But I have been doing a lot of healing and personal growth work this year, and knowing my worth again. Which I hope will make me mentally stronger to be ok with this regardless of what happens.
What you really need to do is be upfront. There are men are also have that dream of kids . I would just ask them, " What are you really looking for?" If he gets scared of that question, it means he is not looking for that, and he's not dating for that intention. People know what they want, it's simple. If you need to go in circles talking as if you want a "Flower Shop," you are playing games, and you will waste more of your time at best.
na the flower shop is analogy; when yoi have a goal like starting a flower shop business... can be any business ; a life goal per say... dont shy away from the open conversation because its talk about starting a family- be open an articulate like you would a career goal ; dont be shy/ basically speak your truth🌼
@shakoorah1 yes, upfront. already, by the first, second date, you need to share your goals about having a family if your clock is ticking. It involves him in a big way, so you need to tell him your true intentions and time frame. It's not like a goal where you are looking to learn a new hobby.
That is what I did before I met my husband. I call it the "Nigerian prince strategy" (by saying something preposterous at the start, you filter out the ones you are not looking for). If I told someone I was looking for a partner to grow old together and have grandchildren with, it saved me a lot of time for "filtering".
hhmm... Why there seem to be so many bitter men hating on women for not finding the love of their life sooner? I'm finding it a strange phenomenon... Why do you feel the need to discourage women like that? If you want a younger woman to have children with, go ahead and try to find that for yourself, but why all the hate?
The angry men are the ones who didnt get what they want. So they are saying, older women, you are single because you refused to compromise what you wanted to please men (like us) so haha now you are being punished too. Misery loves company. People should be kinder to each other. If they took that hate energy back and used it to improve themselves enough to land whatever women they want. I wish them luck. It ducks to feel lonely and undesirable. But as many of these comments show, you can be with a partner and still feel lonely and undesirable. I suggest watching Jonathon Ainsley? He says be upfront and if that person isn’t aligned in goals, move on quickly.
@@cecilang9721 Yes, most women would prefer to be single than to be with a man who doesn't meet their standards, including me. I have one child already and would love to have more, but only if I meet a good man who would like to be my husband and a good father. If not, I can also be happy being single and living a bit like a monk, for the service of God, praying and meditating. Either way I will be happy, no need to worry 🙂
These men rage about older women without children yet, but they wouldn't make children either with girls of their age or younger ! They are all like "ya you too old to seduce men and have kids" and also "no I don't feel ready for kids, Im just a 30 yo boy"...
They are the incels...they are everywhere on the internet. They don't have life so they have plenty of time and they use it to try to hurt others, especially women. Misery loves company, as the saying goes.
becuse they been hurt and rejected. and choose hot and toxic women. or chased women that was not into them. or talked to immature and rude women therefore have bad expirences. same happens to women. why i think its sad people look down on age or gender. becuse men can also be 36 and single. good people but did not find the right woman. only becuse have options doesnt mean healthy long term options. also we cant force people to like someone. some people rush into people becuse they are lonley, desperte, want kids or think they cant get better, or ignore red flags, or people have attachments. so before we learn, we created pattens, suddenly we are in our 30s.
As always Matthew, you have created a new way of viewing and communicating a common relationship concern. You are a master of finding innovative and compassionate ways for people to navigate and articulate to their partners standards they desire in their lives and relationship! Thank you for making this very helpful video. I’m 55 and met someone I would love to see settling down with at this stage of life and this video will help me 💯 in having a conversation to see if he has the same vision and values as me with respect to the future! You are a Master! Thank you 🙏♥️😘
I have been watching your videos for close to 15 years at this point, and this video really made my heart break - not for me but for one of my closest friends. I (40F) have been happily married for 10 years, and we have a wonderful 6 year old; both marriage and kids weren't a high priority for me, but I was willing to do it with the right person. I am extremely lucky (and I work hard) to keep my relationship working, and I've never compromised on my hard boundaries. However, my best friend (40F, known her since we were 15) has always had the goal of marriage and kids since we met. It breaks my heart that she keeps spending her time and energy on pointless relationships, with men (perfectly nice people) who simply do not have the same goals as her. She wasted decades being strung along, led on, not holding up her own boundaries, no plan B, and going through massive emotional pain when each relationship met its demise. I wish she would have seen this video and felt it on a deep level in her 20s - I imagine she would have been in a significantly better position in life. I hope women like her are watching this video, and truly hearing what you're saying here. Thank you for continuing to record these videos. Cheers :)
I wish someone would give me this advise when I turn 18, to have them as a guide for the future.. i would not have understood back then, but I would understand as time would be passing.
I bought ''Love life'' today and I can't wait to read it! I rewatched step 5 to make sure I understood well how to create a space so that I can express my goal and also show interest in what the other person sees for himself. I think it's brilliant. I feel like all the other steps are relevant as well. Thank you for sharing this. 😊
Don’t waste your time being someone’s girlfriend. I think after 30, your either dating or engaged to be married. Why should we give up our options to someone who have not committed to us fully? Date several until the right one proposes.
Dear Matthew, you asked what this video meant to me and honestly I cannot put it in one word. I'm following you for a few years now and I think, this video is one of the most important videos you have ever made!!
I’m in a relationship now, but last year when I was dating I met some really nice men. I did exactly what the advice is here- I made sure they knew starting a family was a priority of mine but that I had my own plan for it and was open to meeting the right person without pressure. Not only did it keep them relaxed, but most of them offered to help me with it 😂 guess it was better than running for the hills
Sounds like me, past year of dating I have the talk quite early. I’m dating a nice and understanding guy, I still feel I should prioritize becoming a solo mom.
Freeze your eggs and also embryos if you have a stable partner, just in case. Then you can relax. I've been for 12 years with my husband and until 41 years old I was SURE I didn't want kids. Then things changed. I realized that I was just scared (fear of motherhood caused by trauma). The irony is that I'm a biologist and I knew well that my time probably was gone. I'm 43 now and stil trying. I am healthy and I look 10 years younger (people get impressed when I tell them my age). Egg quality and reserve doesn't relate to that and my ovaries do not respond to stimulation. I want the whole experience and will probably get egg donation at some point. I know that freezing eggs is a big investment for some people, but you can always work for money, while the egg number and time frame are limited. Better safe than sorry.
This is not a dream of mine... But I appreciate this. Because so much of how it's talked about is... "Panic! Age will crush you! Neener neener!" Like it's some kind of "gotcha!" But it's not, and options are very real. And no one should feel rushed or forced. And families should be made when the time is correct, and not a moment sooner. Always the voice of reason so I thank you again, Matt.
I'm 38, doctor, fully paid home, investments. I look way younger than my age. same situation, I found most men having problems that I have 5 years ago, I didn't want to coach anyone. costing me too much time just to go on dates, and most of the conversations are uneventful. the men I did meet, even the older ones. Once they found out I was doing good in life, they wanted me to look after them. I have decided I'm going to do me and be happy and stay single.
Freeze ur eggs ladies. I did it a few days ago at 40. Cuz my ex sent me a video saying “no man would want a woman with a couple or years left of shelf life” before he broke up with me a week later. He was a year younger than me. But thanks to him, I now no longer date in desperation to settle down because of my biological clock.
@@nybrothermanwe women know nothing can change our bio clock. There is no fix to that factual comment towards her, it was unkind, reminding us of the fate we may face of never having children. Instead of moping, we try to see the silver lining or soothe ourselves psychologically by taking active steps such as egg freezing. Thank u for the reminder though, but we really don’t need that fact thrown in our faces unless u get a kick out of it
@@poojapooja-m9x7k I’m so sorry to hear that lovely. It’s important to put yourself first. I found yoga and Pilates really helped me with stress. And it maybe a good idea to nourish your body, like adding protein into your breakfast even if you don’t feel like eating. And taking folic acid/ prenatal supplements months before u start the process is helpful. The process of egg freezing can be taxing but if I can do it, so can you. Be kind to yourself, and listen to your body. You’re doing your best and that’s always more than enough 🩵
Im 29 years old and feel like im ready to start family but the person im with doesn't look like he wants to start family with me.This video was super helpful thank you
I mean I'm a man, and this video is really relevant to me. :D I'm 33 atm but I don't want to be old when I'll have my 1st child. I want to see them throughout a lot of years. How they grow up, what kinda person will they become. Want to support them for as long as I need to.
I remember the first time you talked about this in a video talking directly to men about not wasting women's time because of this very reason. Thank you for creating another video giving us the steps to approach this topic with someone. I am in this situation and this video was extremely helpful!!
I am almost 33, still no career. I met guy 4 years ago (LDR). He ghosted me 2 weeks ago. He was reading my messages now stopped. I only wanted to ask why. Last call when I asked why he was silent 2 weeks he said "I can't tell because you will be angry and you will say that I hurt your ffeelings and asjed why I always think the I have someone ". He had to call but didn't. And I can't move on wasting now my precious time for career and having family. ...
put partner first, careers can always come later or come at a slower pace. I was engaged at 24. Now 26 getting married. Barely worked in 3 yrs… career is on back burner, but slowly… men care more about age than career. I have mostly traditional values, half modern. Life is a journey
@@paolar.6408 I can completely sympathise with you on this. I had a guy I really liked that breadcrumbed and ghosted me. Instead I focused on my career and still feel I haven’t achieved what I thought I would have, and felt like I failed in life. My friend told me to stop using the F word all the time. As we don’t fail in life but we grow and keep learning. Also that the guy is not your person and if he was he wouldn’t have treated you like this. Have faith that your person will come along and you’ll find your passion/ purpose in life. Things have a way of falling into place. I believe in the power of manifestation, that things happen for a reason and the universe is always in your favour. It’s just seeing it and allowing it to guide you through the unknown. That it will show you the bad as well as the good. You just have to be brave enough to go through this journey and trust the process. You’re still young at 33 and still have time. I hope this helps and regains your faith in yourself. You Just need to believe that you deserve all the things you want in life x
I suspect, paolar, that you have significant childhood trauma if you struggle with both career AND were stuck for THAT long with such an avoidantly attached individual as people who ghost after being in relationship with your for years typically are. I hope you can prioritize a healing journey first and foremost and then in a couple of years at age 35 you may be surprised how much has fallen into place for you in your life.
Make your life happen. My dating life was meh but I'm glad I went back to school when I was 24 and got my bachelor's. I'm 33 now, been single for a year and decided to educate myself in Cybersecurity. Im looking forward to my 2nd degree! You got this.
Ladies. If you can…first go and get an MOT fertility check to see what your AMH levels are and/or start looking into egg freezing options from your late 20’s - mid 30’s depending on the results. Not every woman has low fertility count despite the age. Egg freezing results now are much better than they used to be also please take into consideration that those results are usually based on women who go into it much much older & like he said, give yourself options. Set a deadline for when you will meet your partner. If not, look into the donation route. Do not put your wants/ dreams into the hands of another person who can disappoint you at any time of their choosing. Most importantly make sure you are financially literate and savvy too.
i’m in my 20’s but i just wanna say to the girlies in the comments to not worry too much. my aunt had the healthiest baby at literally 60 years old. i get it’s an exceptional case, but this just proves science is not absolute. whatever is meant for you will come at the right time.
@@urbanlegend1347 freeze you eggs as said or if not you can always use donor eggs literally at any age. Google Valentina from Ukraine she gave birth at 66 with donors egg
@@urbanlegend1347 it just happened naturally, she wasn’t even trying to have a baby lmao. but he was so beautiful and healthy. my other aunt was told to give up because they said she was infertile and she literally ended up having 5 kids. 4 boys and a girl. the one common factor between my aunts is they never believed they can’t, and they believed in God. and that was easily 30+ years ago. today there’s so many things you can do with modern medicine. just please never give up. my aunt’s daughter is 43 and just had a baby.
I don't understand when people say " biological clock" and the "rush to have children" while million of them are out there waiting for us. 😅 I personally have the grace to love others children the same way I could love my own. ❤
I feel like the baby fever of single women in their mid to late 30s could be dangerous if the focus is "I have to have a child ASAP" and there is all this fear around missing out. Also, the lack of education around fertility. Things drastically change mid 30s to 40, then only have a 5% chance per ovulation at 40 and decreases every year. These are also high risk pregnancies. Children should be so intentional and thought out.
So doctors keep saying but yet they do not clearly define y it is high risk. If u r living a healthy life then the risk can be the same as anyone else. If u have a condition the risk is the same as anyone else. Yes the probability of getting pregnancy decreases each year but hospitals need to stop telling all women they are high risk die to age and instead make the judgement based on individual factors. So annoying.
@@Catina28high risk refers to increased risk of preeclampsia, which can lead to prematurity or neonatal loss, chromosomal anomalies which can come with congenital heart defects, musculoskeletal abnormalities etc.
I don't know how you do it, but you really read minds and translate it in a beautiful way, carefully selected the words and your empathy is awesome, you really have a gift for this
I am a 33 year old woman single mother by choice. My Son is 10months now and I am feeling happy and accomplished about my choice. I’ve only met men who aren’t ready or cannot possibly share with me a live I’d like to have. I will not wait on a ship that I don’t know if it’s coming, I chose how long to wait for it. Love will come to me however I am if it will.
Thanks so much for this video! I've just had my second egg retrieval. IVF isn't a guarantee but having the option is so empowering. I've been thinking about starting to date again and this helped a lot!
My sister turns 40 this year. She works 12 hours a day and has a C-suit job. She is VERY demanding from men and is afraid to fail to the point that she never had a boyfriend. She's now thinking about a child alone but she probably won't do it... I'm devastated for her because her work won't ever bring her what a family could have.
I might see things differently, I wouldn’t feel sad for her because not many women at her age would achieve a c-suite position in her career. She might have to sacrifice the time and dedication for a partner to get where she is. To have an SO might not be every woman’s life goal. It’s kinda admirable, maybe ask she if she upset about her relationship situation? She would find someone as achieved as she is. ❤
Hi Matthew, thank you for this video. Right when I came to this state of mind, I met my current partner and for the first time in my 30s, we are having casual open conversations about life plan without feeling I’m putting pressure on him. This video deeply resonates with me!
This is great advise. A bit click bait. “Women” should be replaced with people. A young man or old man does not = ready for family. I know this from experience. You need to be very clear about your goals very very early on relationship as a 40 years old man might still not be in that path. My husband and father of my children is 7 years younger and he was more ready than me. For some weird reason men think they have zero clock and that eventually they will find a 20 year old and get kids.. further from the truth. In fact this is a bigger problem for men cos they sit on their ass and most miss the opportunity while women are always very proactive in their 30s. I know more men that missed the boat than women. So maybe we should make these videos for men and provide real advise.
Thank you for this video. Its what I needed to hear. I'm also 38. I was in a on and off three year relationship with a guy ten years old than me. I had the serious talk with him and explained that this was a goal of mine. I consulted with a fertility doctor who explained the whole process and the out of pocket costs. After careful consideration, I decided this is something I would like to do with a steady partner. I thought we were doing good and asked if he would want to be my sperm donor or consider doing this with me. He basically said "no" in a round about way. I took this is my cue to walk away. He is not the right person for me and my future children. Even though, I feel like I am running out of time, I want to be with the right person. Whether that's raising our own biological ones or adopting.
We need a support group for this convo.. I’m fully prepared to use a donor within this next year although I am hoping I meet someone before that. It’s such a hard place to be and takes a lot of courage and future planning to decide on family planning. So appreciative of this topic
I’m 25, I broke up with a man because he wanted to have children in 10 years while I want to have them in 3-5. Being a mother has always the one thing I always knew I wanted in life.
I've watched your videos for a decade Mathew, unknowingly you've played a huge role as I navigated relationships in my 20s and early 30s! This video has now served as a perfectly narrated summary of my present situation - I've actually been doing all the steps you mentioned (must be all your training over the years😂) but have yet to find my human with aligned goals and time frame. For egg freezing-i did the full set up and backed out last minute as I discovered it is against my religious beliefs. So I feel that places me on a bit of a back foot, any advice?
I would disagree with trending about un realistic positivity. If you are not financially strong and older, then choosing to not be a mom might be a good choice. Kid can be mentally and physically struggle.
I'm pregnant with my first child at 42, naturally conceived. Who said u have run out of time exactly. As women we really need to investigate these stories. Ure out of time when u hit menopause. And at that stage it is wat it is.
I loved this video and it was perfect timing for me. Im literally at step 3 and do have a plan for step 1 and 2 as my goal is being achieved with or without someone so that reminder empowered me so I can continue making connections and learning and sharing with someone knowing my plan and goals are in place. Thank you for the clear structure of how to maintain my standards for what I want and be confident in the exploration stage without being a co conspirator to the detriment of my future. A plan that is beautiful and exciting. You put it all so eloquently. Thank you!!! ❤
If you are not been pregnant before, you have to know that when you are pregnant, a very strong instinct of wanting protection, security and a companion with you awakes and it is very difficult to shut down, I was decided to have my kid alone, but the instinct was so strong that brought so many problems and disagreements with my partner at that time, I ended loosing my baby
Yess pretty difficult also when they say they want a relationship but then “you already have kids so I can’t” … really like we single parents don’t deserve anymore to have a family or like my kids are problem. I am getting really sick of trying to meet someone 😔
Excellet video that reflected my process over the last years. I was so desperate to find THE man to create a family, and have a deep commitment towards each other. I eventually kept single because I have not find a man wanting that. After a lot of frustration, grief, hate and a lot of emotions, I decided that no matter with a man or alone, I will be a mother. This totally shifted my perspective on men. and I felt so empowered by this step. Because being a mother in this life is what I long for. And I will do it on my own if no man is there for that process.
I'm 33.. only married men approach me. Was told "you are the hot mistress fantasy".... Wanting a family, in this time, is dangerous. Ever man tells me "you deserve better. I'm no good".. but no one actually comes w better...I'm working hard to let go of this desire. It's actually a burden, at this point. I suppose as i get closer to 40 I'll be over it. I'm looking forward to that time. Trying to date is a nightmare. I'm too old to keep wasting my time. My life is consistent, on my own. I'm stable. I'm free. I'm independent. I'm not going to let what I've built be destroyed by a devilish man. It's so disappointing.
Hi Matthew, thank you for the advice. I wish I knew this when I was younger. I learnt it the hard way but it's nice to hear you sum it up so well and with a structure. I made the mistake of having the conversation about the desire but not the timeline, because I got the impression that the other person has the same timeline as me, which was an assumption. You won't know until you ask, right. I would also warn against being naive when interpreting what the other person is saying, some people can make a no sound like a maybe, and make a maybe sound like a yes. Hence I like what you said about check in again after some time and see if there has been progress. Someone who wants what you want should be excited when you talk about the very topic. If they keep on being "unsure", it's likely they've been telling you what you want to hear all along but never truly wanted the same thing.
The person who wants the same things won't feel pressure. They will feel relieved.
Exactly this!
The most right comment
❤
Exactly!! I mean - the advice is solid but that statement about not pressuring the guy kinda undose what Matthew said about owning your goals and being proud of them. It's like their is still this air of "but don't scare them off with your demands." I think its totally possible to has the same goal and similar timeline for other reasons then pending infertility. Some men really want to be fathers too and want to find suitable and age approprite partners.
Thank you - this is something I need to hear. I’ve been blaming myself for stressing my ex out
I met my 10 years - younger now boyfriend when I was 37. I'm turning 39 in a week and I'm pregnant in 5th month❤ I feel incredibly lucky to have met My person without having to have awkward situations where I explain why them I am in a rush to have kids: he just knew what he was getting himself into and was ready to be a dad sooner than later since I'm close to 40! There are men like this out there and I wish to every woman in this situation to meet someone like my partner. I was ready to be a single mum having not met him though- do what will make you happy and complete !
7 years younger former partner here, said he wanted a family soon and within a years time after our talk about it. Got pregnant 2 months later and his mask fell. He himself said of himself then that he was a covert narcissist and u pushed him in the corner and revealed him. Living he'll since then. I'm glad it worked out for you, I had to kick him out in week 30 because of his constant talks about suicide and "the thing is coming closer ". He grew up without a father . He got ro know his child when she was a year only to vanish again after a couple of weeks because of I assume fear of commitment and responsibility despite being great with her and her having loved every minute of it and him and I still getting on and spending whole days together where he didn't want to leave. I'm so broken for my daughter and almost broken by this man. A child needs their father and a mother the support of the spouse. I'm so glad it worked out for you and wish you the best but also warn us women how great of a risk we take. Its worth it to me because I wanted a child more than a relationship but I'm still shattered.
Good luck with your pregnancy ♥️🙏🌹
@@j.3069 I’m sorry it worked out this way for you and as a child that grew up with a series of step fathers never knowing my bio I can say this- no child needs a *terrible parent* regardless of gender, but in particular a ‘father’ . Partnering is ALWAYS a roll of the dice and men are very, very good with their masks- there are thousands of stories on social media talking about the same switch up that you experienced regardless of age difference, length of relationship, marital status, number of children (the man was ok with the first but not the second, etc). It’s nothing to do with _us_ , it’s built into the dominant male culture and at this point it’s something that culture refuses to address. Focus on your beautiful, wonderful child and do NOT bring another man into your home until you have taught your daughter to speak up strongly if someone does something to her or tries to get her to lie- it’s up to you now to raise her powerfully and with clear eyes. Put the two of you first, be her best model, focus on building your life and wealth for both of you- men are unnecessary in the home for these things, you’re better off forming support networks with other women because healthy women are _supportive_ , a net positive. You’ve got this, mumma. ❤️
The majority of women will not met these men. They are rare
@@j.3069 sadly the norm humans are vile
I'm 31. I am from Ukraine and now I am starting a new life in Europe. I'm learning two languages and I'm enrolled in university. I really want a family. But I wasted my youth on a man who was not ready to choose me, even though we had many years of life together. It's very hard for me to get attached now. I want that, but I also don't want to be neglected.
I don't regret not having a child with that man. I think it's an honor to be a father and it's something you have to earn. I deserve to be a woman who's loved.
And my future child deserves a good father. Ladies, we can choose a man, but our children don’t.
I wish you much success in your new life and I am sure you will have a nice big family❤ Слава Украине
I can relate to you. I emigrated to UK at 22, learnt the language and slowly established myself in a foreign country. Away from family and anything i knew i did pretty well. I had 3 long-term relationships with British men. And it took me way too long to realise that them saying: "of course I want kids and a family one day" meant when they're 40+ and have had their fun years behind them. My naive Polish heart broke after every one of my long-term relationships, landing me still single and childless at 40. I know for a fact that if I stayed in Poland, my kids would have been teenagers by now 😢
Because in Poland family values are still high, and we tend to marry and have children in our late 20s.
I feel like I failed in life and I don't know what my purpose in this world is anymore 💔
Oh... sorry for this experience,@evew7634 ! Once, an older friend of mine told me that it's better to wait for the right man (and not have kids), than have kids with the wrong man. It gave me freedom not to be in a rush. I'm 41, single, no kids. Hugs❤
@evew7634 you are amazing anyway man or not kids or not just manifest that
@@evew7634 I’m so sorry this happened to you. I hope you will find peace soon ❤
1. Be clear with yourself what the path is
2. Know your options
3. Communicate where you are in life
4. Demonstrate non-dependence
5. When it starts to get serious, then we have to get clear about whether they have the same goals on the same timeline
6. Be honest with yourself about whether there is the appropriate level of progress within the relationship as time goes on
Beautiful
Thank you❤
#2 is the worst. Because the only you can do it by yourself is if you have a good deal of money to throw at the problem. For most people there is no option B.
bibbity bobbity boo - get fkt
@@oliviariv I know a few single girls who've adopted toddlers or babies from foster care. It doesn't cost much ($2k or less?) and those fees are for home study and training.
The most important one is to include God in all your affairs especially if it involves you wanting to start a family. Relax and watch Him do wonders
I'm 42 and single. I've tried to have a baby during my last 2 serious relationships and it just so happened both of them had fertility issues, so nothing ever eventuated. I don't want to be a single parent so the past few years I've been making peace with the fact I may never have children and I'm OK with that. I'm still hoping I meet my person, I haven't given up on love.
Sending you love
❤❤❤❤❤❤
@@insyiwinsyi thank you 💖
😢🙏❤️
That happened with my aunt. She's been with the love of her life for several decades now, but by the time they married fertility treatments were required. And she just happened to not be successful. They still live their life together to their fullest.
I did it with the wrong person because I was desperate and ended up as a single mom. I learned that is better to be alone than with the wrong person, I’m committed to enjoy by my life until I find my person and if I don’t that’s okay too
That's a beautiful way to look at it.
Wow I'm sorry.
me too! many of us are desperate 😢
I an planing on doing this. I just can't imagine what life would be like of I don't have a child. I feel like I don't have much choice
It might be ok, but it will destroy your child.
Statistics shows that children raised by single mothers suffer the most later in life and these type of children end up as the most incompetent.
Thanks Matt, you are the best. well constructed video. My relationship of 5 years ended a month ago. The love of my life decided to leave me, I really love her so much I can’t stop thinking about her, I’ve tried my very best to get her back in my life, but to no avail, I’m frustrated, I don’t see my life with anyone else. I’ve done my best to get rid of the thoughts of her, but I can’t, I don’t know why I’m saying this here, I really miss her and just can’t stop thinking about her
its difficult to let go of someone you love, i was in a similar situation, my relationship of 12 years ended, but i couldnt just let him go i did all i could to get him back, i had to seek the help of a spiritual counselor who helped me bring him back
Amazing, how did you get a spiritual counselor, and how do i reach her?
Her name is Shelly renee white , and she is a great spiritual counselor who can bring back your ex.
Thank you for this valuable information, i just looked her up now online. impressive
@@DennisDelaphi Dennis, please permit me to introduce God to you.
I can guarantee you won’t regret it.
I met my now ex at 36. At the time I was looking at becoming a single mother by choice with a donor. I told him I was ready to have a family on our first date. He was too. We got married, had two kids, eventually went through a grueling 4 year divorce. Now I am a single working mom. It’s hard as hell. But I wouldn’t give up my children for the world. Life is messy, relationships are complicated, but if you want a child, if that is a life goal… find a way. With a partner, friend, donor… It will be crazy and chaotic and beautiful no matter how you do it! I wish you the best! ❤💫🌺🌈
Great to see this. I just broke up with an amazing guy because he doesn’t want kids.
If I were you I would get a new father figure. Only men can raise men and fatherless girls end up In clubs and on tinder.
@@janewang4242 amazing guys are impossible to find.
careless advice with the last two sentences. Just because there was fantasy & unresolved childhood trauma, just going to 'make kids with donor'...... this is shallow and selfish to the children and with my profession, you'd not be so apt to suggest this if you knew what I knew. And how many women I've taken care of with cancers & deaths after "donor" pregnancy, hyper-stimulation...ayy. Better advice: focus on being healthy, whole & healed, find a good man/woman. Period. End there,
@@jac1161 can I ask what you mean with how many women you’ve taken care of with cancer and deaths after donor pregnancy stimulation. Are you saying this is worse than them doing IVF stimulation even with a partner or that any type of “stimulation” is bad whether doing with a partner or donor sperm. Thank you.
Honestly, I do think it's better to let things go the way they have to. I'd love to have a serious and deep connection with a man and eventually to build up a family. I'm 42 yo and I consider myself too old for that. Not because I'm old, but because I know how difficult it is. Therefore, I accept life as it comes. I may be lucky or not. Who cares. I live my wonderful life anyway😊❤
42 yo too and 🍀
@@cloebertrand7605 good for you.
I love your life attitude! And I rly think that no matter how much you learned about dating or practiced or tried, in the end luck plays the main role at building family. So yes, "accept life as it comes" ❤
Same here! I see my friends with husbands and babies and a small part of me wishes I had that, but a bigger part values my freedom way more! Neither lifestyle is better but they both have their pros and cons. There’s definitely a silver lining.
Sister , I am in a similar situation. The pressure of bio clock. But do you think with right partner even late age pregnancy will be stress free.
Thanks Matt. This is very validating. I had a timeline and goals chat last week with a young gentleman on date 2, after he started telling me what kind of relationship he wanted and asked me what I want. We matched in many ways, but not the timeline. After we parted ways, I smiled at a tiny baby in a stroller and the baby waved at me. I felt like the baby was signaling that I made the right decision. Not an easy decision to part ways when there’s attraction and compatibility, but it’s best to cut things off by date 3 if goals and timelines don’t match. Like ripping a bandaid off, do it quickly. ❤
Yes👏🏾👏🏾👏🏾 I love the courage. You're smart.
@@nikkyshamz2696 thank you. It was a mini heartbreak as he’s a true gent who will make a great husband and father one day. I need someone who’s already ready and looking for the mother of his children. I can’t wait years for someone to get ready and risk them changing their mind. Fortunately I only need and want one keeper. This last man upgraded my mental template with his gentlemanly behaviour. ❤️
That was very brave. I hope the right one comes along soon & you'll be so happy you did what you did.
@@Shelyn thank you so much 😊
You absolutely made the right decision. There are many people out there we could be happy with, but being on the same timeline path is vital. Being as intentional as you are gives you the best chance of finding the person you are meant to be with.
I'm 39 and I'm always very straightforward about my desire to build a family, have a marriage, kids. And the last time I talked about it with a guy, that I met, he started fighting with me about it, telling me marriage is such a huge risk, and women are always focused on love and getting results, they always have an agenda, not wanting to let things be, go with the flow blah blah blah. Trying to make me feel bad for wanting what I want. LOL Men don't understand this. They just don't. They're always in the "let's see where it goes" mood, and they become aggressive and cold when you want to have a clear conversation. Because you're sabotaging his plans about wasting your time. :D
Good for you to have found him out sooner than later. It's ridìculous to say that to a 39 year old. That's gaslighting.
But be careful that you don't generalize men. It was just him. Not 'men'.
I find that if I go for more traditional men they are more comfortable with commitment. I don’t date non traditional men at this point. A lot of “modern” men are very selfish and insecure.
"sabotaging his plans to waste your time" 😂
Good soundbyte!
I've turned down good men because they wanted kids now. Don't be afraid to keep it moving. I am hoping that you and them connect (probably not you're probably not near me lol) and get to business lmao.
They are out there and on the same page. Keep it rollin!
Get that man outta here and go find the folks I turned out!
Let's all win and have a good time!
Will women pay?
@@riccia888 pay for what? And what a stupid question. When kids are involved, both men and women usually pay in equal amounts because that is how the economy works now
So many of my friends are in this predicament. I myself was too, and decided to get super serious about finding a marriage partner at age 37. Stopped wasting my time on men who weren’t a long term match, and met someone who would make an excellent partner, intellectually, financially and wanted a family too. We married the same year, and love having our family (had my daughter at age 41). Fertility timeline is different for everyone and I’m lucky I could still have a baby naturally then. But many of my friends are doing IVF and other means to make their dreams come true, and I’m so happy for them.
How did you narrow it down and where did you find him?
@@gailainsley6939 I read this book called “Marry Him- the case for settling for Mr Good enough” because my want list in a partner was more than 20+ things! I had very high standards but this book encourages you to focus on your top 3-4 things that matter to you. But don’t get my wrong I did not settle! I dated as normal on bumble and only matched with career men like myself (a career woman) to find my partner. I started the new year with this mentality of cut men off who waste my time immediately! Too many times had I stayed in dead end relationships for years and wasted my youth.
I am 37 years old, I look younger at least for 10 years, I am economically stable, I have a good job but I have the same problem than Maryam. I dedicated my life to my carreer and my work, when I considerated to have a family, men started to say to me "You deserve someone much better"". I met someone 3 years younger than me, I ended in a third party situation and He left when I lost my first baby ( He was agree to have the baby). Men could be cruel, because even you can bring so much things to the table, then they can say to you, "you deserve someone so muc better"
I am so sorry. That's awful. :(
Doesn't mean your eggs are 10 years younger. Women get this so confused.. you go into peri from 37 onwards it lasts 14 years or so depending on the woman. I think since you conceived before you should be fine to have a baby. Remember fertility goes off a cliff in a few years time. It's a cruel fact of this world unfortunately.
I’m so sorry for your loss
@@jessicahitchens6926 my mum started peri in her late 40s not all women’s bodies are the same. Advise them to see a doc and stop fear mongering.
@oldkayakdude he left so who was he thinking about 🤔
I’m turning 35 in a month and my previous relationship ended earlier this year. I decided to do an egg freezing treatment for myself to have less anxiety when going back into dating again and can take my time to find the right partner. The process also helped me realise how committed I am to this idea of having a family because of the procedures I had to go through. I’d recommend speaking with a fertility consultant and have this conversation if having a family is your goal. All the best to everyone who is watching this video ❤️
Same I agree!
I did that. At 36 divorced, after 10 years of marriage, because he didnt want babies. I did egg freezing. Went on dating until 40. Did not find the one, and now I did IVF on my own with a sperm doner. I am pregnant, very happy, and regreted not starting earlier this family I wanted so much. Sometimes the biggest blocker is your own mind and conventional ideas.
@@catalinahuertasmateus1933I wish you a healthy beautiful baby❤
Egg freezing is bullshit lmao sorry you wasted your money
@catalinahuertasmateus1933 you should be ashamed
Its not about how actually young the guy is, it's about emotional maturity and his timeline, I dated someone who was 50 going on 15! : (
Wow.
Me too. He was 62
@@tanishanightingale well how old are you? If there's a big age difference that can show immaturity in itself that he would go for someone that young, but not in every case.
@@anonanon7553at the time I was 35
@@anonanon7553I just ended a relationship with a guy almost 2x my age. I’m 31. It hurts bad because of the time and memories we had. He’s a sweet guy but very childish. Didn’t want to live together, didn’t want to get married. I didn’t want to wait and waste my 30s waiting for him to decide. My heart hurts but I should’ve known better.
As a 36 yo guy dating women of similar age, I found this video very helpful. Thank you for this mate. And my advice to all the beautiful women out there is:
1- Do not be afraid to invite your man into such difficult conversations when you think the relationship has matured enough. As men we are usually less mature and we are less likely to bring up any tough topics ourselves. We usually think let's see how this goes and avoid tough topics.
2- Think about and prioritise your goals in life before we ask you what you think. Communicate them to us in a constructive way. Otherwise we will assume either you have not yet figured them out (which will be a question mark for us) or we'll assume you need us and you have the weaker hand.
3- Ask your man what concerns he has about you, ask him to be open as possible. And also tell them frequently what you like and do not like about them. Communicate more openly and frequently. That will help him to not assume things.
Why are you telling WOMEN, yet again, to do the emotional labour instead of telling MEN to go to therapy, or do classes, or join men’s groups in order to learn greater emotional intelligence and capacity? Once again a man telling women to fix or address things that the man himself needs to be looking at and addressing.
@@NinsidheLOL, GET EM
@@Ninsidheladies, just being real with you, men don’t like AT ALL this type of attitude
Thank you!
Is having children important to you? If the answer is yes you should consider dating younger women if you want to get to know the woman well before children.Do your own research on female fertility over 36 vs women around 27.
I'm a 39 year old man and found this video incredibly valuable, thankful for this channel in general, and think whoever you are knowing what you need in a relationship and being able to communicate it is everything.
I hope you're not like my last ex lol, thinking he can still bag a 20 year old.
@@Goodwillwinoverevil1984 Not even a little bit. Women in their early 20s are way too immature for me anyway, I want to be with someone who has their life figured out.
@@kristofferrobinhaug8029 Well said.
As a 25 year old woman, I feel stressed and rushed enough as it is. This is very helpful, thank you! And my heart goes out to every woman out there struggling with this dilemma. ❤
"i feel stressed and rushed enough" thats good. Date with a clear goal instead of casual bullshit and always communicate. Nowadays its such a pain in the ass that most women dont rly know what they want.
@@identifesAsHelicopta absolutely! Thats part of the reason I feel overwhelmed bc I do have that clear goal and it can be hard to find someone aligned with that. More time that goes by, that’s where being stressed and rushed comes in. However, the stress also keeps me on track and focused. Kind of like motivational stress, but also just hormonal stress I guess.
I’m not a woman (or gay) but these videos are still very thought provoking and it is nice to see the female perspective in dating since I don’t have any in my life to have these conversations with
I think Matthew is telling important things for both man and women and maybe if more men would open for this kind of knowlege there would be less bad relationships.
It's also applicable to men who want family. Men have some more years to wait but not too many more unless you're Leonard DiCaprio
@@JJmikraahhh he just thinks, that he has, but not really!
Famous and rich men can wait all the time they want/need. Look at George Clooney 😅 and there are even more extreme cases. Even if the kids are not their first nor second.
@@bella3636 everybody can wait till she/he wants, if they know they don't wanna have kids.
Hello Matthew, I’m 20 and was broken up with about a year ago by someone I’d been with for a large portion of my life up to this point. I read your book “Love Life” to find the confidence to date new women, and discovered that I’m the exact person you recommend avoiding/leaving. Reading your book allowed me to become much more honest with myself about how I conduct myself in a relationship, and showed me that I have historically been much more selfish than I believed. I thank you (and my ex especially, for ending my complacency) for showing me what a healthy relationship with healthy communication REALLY looks like, and not my own version of it. I’m not ready yet to date again, because now I know I have a lot of real work to do on myself before I can focus on someone else’s needs. Your wisdom has shown me the path forward, and I am very grateful!
Please extend yourself grace. At 20 none of us know much about anything including our self awareness. Please continue to protect your heart and take care of yourself, I’m 28 and my biggest and most impactful decision of my 20s was only dating people who I thought could wind up in a long term commitment and communicating that to them ❤ I wish you all the best and you’re so lucky to have to this place at 20
Thank you so much Matthew. This video gave me the courage to leave today a relationship where I love him but am not getting the things I have asked clearly for. It is tough to leave later in my 30's knowing that I want a family but I know in my heart it can happen in so many different ways. Words cannot express my gratitude to you over the past few years for the advice you give. Thank you Matthew.
you are brave and took steps towards your dream! 👏🏽👏🏽 i hope you find a good father 🍀
Good for you. You are brave for sure!!
I am a single mom by choice, and my case was at one point similar to Marion's. What is hugely different is that I was so clear by 31, that just went for it with no other hidden agenda. I clearly learned my options for a companion where not ideal at the moment, I my goal was so absolutely clear. I can tell it was the best project of my life. I was absolutely sure I was able to cover for all of our expenses, and then some.... My age was ideal to take on the challenges of single motherhood. My daughter is now an adult, independent, and she is the apple of my eye. Warning note...do that earlier than later, because it takes a lot of energy, and please please please, ...do not hide agendas from yourself. Best wishes to everyone.
I married at 37 started trying for a child only for my now ex to be diagnosed with infertility. Went on to adoption - was 2 weeks away from meeting the baby and he abandoned me and declared divorce over the phone.
I am now starting my life again at the age of 44 - I showed loyalty to the wrong man.
Chances of having a baby naturally gone chances of going through the adoption process again too traumatising.
I’m so sorry. Sending you love ❤
💔
Did you pressure him into what you wanted? It sounds like it but I don't know.
@@amandah1875no unfortunately adoption was all his idea. He desperately wanted us to do this. We even moved cities because of his job. Spent most weekends with his family.
So no pressure there
@@amandah1875I doubt she pressured him. He would know what she wants at this age. My partner at the time did the same to me, but at least I got the best out of our relationship.
This is very helpful! The global dating epidemic and the rise of non committal people have created an imbalance and affected those who aspire to build their own families.
The only people who get "pressured" or who don't like to think about having children with you (even if the timing is wrong) are those men who didn't really WANT you in the first place. ..If an accidental pregnancy should happen but its not the right time, as long as it's with the RIGHT person, then it shouldn't matter!..
It's not everyday you meet and connect with someone you think is your other half.
i think you meant to put the emphasis on YOU and not WANT
@@nodiggity8746 ?? I meant every word because I'm just telling the truth. Twist it how you want. Couples who have "accidental" pregancies where the man truly wants it will never make it hard or run away. He'd consider it as a happy accident! A welcome one.
@@Goodwillwinoverevil1984 you misunderstood my comment. I didn't mean to offend you in any way, I just meant to say that the format in which you wrote the sentence was maybe wrong. Like in the sentence "he didn't want you" I think the capital letters should have been YOU.
I don't know how you interpret my comment the way you did 😂😂😂
I think it's YOU who misinterpreted the comment, what I understand from the comment is if a man WANTS you, he would also WANT the baby (accidental or planned). Owner of the original comment, please correct me if I'm wrong 😊
@@BurcuKyarGokkaya ok fair. I just thought the emphasis would be on "you" and not "want"
This is the video I just needed - thank you a million Matthew! I am 35, 6 years in a roller-coaster relationship where he says he wants the same but "the feeling has to be good".. then we are good for a while as I dont say anything and let it flow and as soon as I bring the topic of planning, life & future up we end up in discussions, silence, distance.. so the feeling is again not good (according to him). I am fully aware he is wasting my lifetime and playing with my emotions, I just truly deeply love him (for other qualities) and didn't find the strength within me to end this and start over. I feel like I can never love anyone as I loved him as I have always put him on a pedestal. I've started with searching for an apartment amd I write down my thoughts.. processing the end of this relationship in my head. This will be the last summer for us.
So maybe just take him as a sperm donor and leave the guy alone with his rollercoaster. Don't inform him that he has a child and disappear from his life for good. Do you really think the guy will change? Do you really want rollercoaster dad for your child? Why do you need a man like this?
I have been in such conditions and it can be said that I still am, even though it has been a year and a half since we separated and we don't talk because the financial situation didn't improve, and he wasn't willing to seriously discuss it again. Neither of us entered into a new relationship, and I don't think I can accept anyone else because I consider him my soulmate. I even gave up on the desire to have children for him because having a good relationship was more important to me, and due to aging, I think I no longer have the patience for having children. We were in a romantic relationship for 4 years, and now it has been a year and a half since we parted ways... This way, 5 and a half years of my life have been disrupted, and possibly the rest will too, although I am calmer now and moving forward with my life, but not a moment goes by without me thinking of him... It's very sad :(
Sweetheart, don't worry about love. What you described is not love. It's still waiting for you. Nevertheless, it's not the worst in the world to have experienced this rollercoster (sexual attraction, romantic feelings)- the problem is it comes with a kind of brainwashing. Being able to trust someone is the real thing. Love is where you can really be.
@@katrbudz892 no, sperm doner is not possible, I love this person and will never do something against my integrity and beliefs so fooling someone is not an option. I can leave in a decent way. But you are right, he will not change nor I want a roller-coaster dad for my child. I wish other man were better so it would be easier to just leave but dating 2024 is a disaster thats why many, including myself stay for too long.
@@MaryZn_meemche I feel you, my partner is my soulmate too and since 1 year I am getting comfortable with the tought being alone. Giving up the dream of having a family is not an option for me. I will leave him and close the chapter despite this incredible grief for the sake of my unborn children. Just remind yourself how you met. him, you will meet someone else too. We were lucky to experience true love in life, take this with you and move on for good. There is good man out there. I believe in it.
Dating apps are full of fake profiles and scammers I've noticed. Best to meet people the old fashioned way, but easier said than done. As you get older, all your friends are married with kids and there's less parties and gatherings to be invited to where there are single eligible men. Being proactive is good but I believe fate, luck & destiny & timing also plays a part. It seems like it's a world phenomena most women have this problem - meeting the right person to settle down with.
Nearing 40 ,no matter where you go there will be guys in relationships or just single losers ,the odds are the same in the dating apps or better because on apps people are actually looking
Get out, but there are still good men on apps
Finding most men over 55 on dating apps are NOT interested in a serious relationship…
I agree fate and timing plays a major part
I met my husband on a dating app 😋.. I think the way we use them is wrong, not the apps.. People who use the apps are the people you will meet in the real world in a bar or werever.. Use both the apps and the real face to face dating 😉
This video should be obligatory for all women in 20s!
I'm now 40, been single since 22. I always thought I'd meet someone and it would just happen, but it didn't. I wish someone had told me to freeze my eggs in my 20s when I had more, and better quality eggs. No one talks to you about that in your 20s. And then in your 30s and all your friends are married and having kids and realise you've missed the boat.
@@laurah3252what if you're in your 20s but don't have the financial means to freeze your eggs :/
to be fare its not all on the women and her eggs , also mens sperm is a factor and just as valid, lifestyle is also an asset to the quality of eggs & sperm so focus on positive ways to improve your chances to achieve your apirations like the flower shop 🌸
Women could try dating intentionally from their early 20’s? Is that an option? Should older women tell them to avoid hookup culture at all costs ? Feels appropriate now.
@@laurah3252 Are you open to adoption? My aunt got so lucky with her second marriage. Depsite the fact that she was already married once and had three children as a result of that marriage. Her second husband wanted more kids and then boom, it happend when she was 49 using invitro fertilisation. Cool huh. She was very lucky to have found a man willing to have kids even in her older age.
Ladies, this is difficult, but not impossible! Don't let anyone think you're too old as a 38/ 40 year old to have a child. Women can have healthy pregnancies and babies well into their 40s, and men do choose "older" women all the time to start a family with. Keep in mind that everyone is different, and when two people connect on a deep level, and have the commitment, they can make it happen! The men who think "a 38 year old doesn't have any eggs left", will pick someone younger, who cares. Do your homework, live a healthy life, and believe that you can find the right man. It's not easy, but it is definitely possible!
And I'm not encouraging anyone to wait until they're 38 to start looking for their lifetime partner, but I do strongly believe that no one should be ashamed of themselves if this is how their life turned out.
Thank you ❤ yes a lot of my friends have had babies in their late 30's early 40's
The best time for women is between 20 and 30 .
@@nybrotherman it depends on a lot of things, not whether someone thinks they're unique or special. There are women in their early 20s who have medical conditions that don't allow them to even become pregnant, and women in their early 40s who are healthy and can easily become a mother. I recommend consulting with a professional: gynecologist and or fertility specialist and do all the tests for both partners before we put labels on people based on their age.
@@Smile342 yes, this is the ideal age biologically, but it depends on a lot of things not just age.
@@Wendywolf8 exactly. and the truth is women are becoming mothers later and later all around the world. Having plenty of healthy babies. We need to support them and women and men of all ages who would like to become parents.
Amazing to see this video now. I just broke up with a great man yesterday because he finally decided he doesn’t want kids, so I immediately decided to end things amicably because I want kids
Im 39 and happily married with three kids. Im very lucky to have the family i have, but its not by accident. I dated intentionaally from an early age for marriage- i met my husband at 20, married at 25, kids a few years later. I think women in their 20s dont realise the super power they have in the dating market- young and beautiful, and some extra time to look for your person actively. So many women waste their 20s dsting men they would never marry or who wouldnt make a great long term partner. I would encourage younger women to enjoy meeting people, enjoy their beauty, but dont take time for granted because as someone exiting their 30s soon i csnt believe how fast the last 20s years have gone.
I never been on a date and I want marriage. I feel so old now :(
The 20s are really strange. When I was in my 20s, I acutally felt incredibl ugly and unattractive. So if anyone told me that 20s are the time when I'm at a top of my beauty, when I'm particularly attractive, I just wouldn't have been able to accept that - to agree with that.
Finally a woman with common sense in the comments 🎉
It worked that way for you. And that’s great. But this is not always the case for everyone.
My issue was that in my 20s I didn't want to date or be with anyone at all. I just wanted to enjoy my solitude. Ngl I still do deep down.
Why this video did not come out 4.5years ago? I so needed to hear people like Maryam and reading comments across the globe makes me feel I ain't alone.
I agree 100%
As a single mom who hasn't dated since becoming pregnant because the other person left, I want to encourage every single mom out there: you’ve got this. You don’t need to make anyone like you or impress anyone. The right person will accept you and your child just as you are.
Remember, it's important not to burden your partner with your past baggage, expect them to be a parent to a child that isn't theirs, or wait for them to love or accept your child’s behavior problems. If you're over a certain age and unable to have more children with your partner, you can’t turn back time. You and your child will always be a package deal, so don’t worry too much about the “what ifs” or “whys.” Just do what’s right and always believe that what isn’t meant for you will leave.
Your child is closely watching how you change, how you handle your emotions, and how you cope when things aren’t going well. Try not to be a broken example. Don’t let your child feel that life is hard, even when it is. Laugh when you can, be genuine, and above all, remain authentic.So while you are taking time thinking of the partner and if he likes you and your child, think as well of the child, and what they need, we are moms now, and we need to always put our children first.
I think being a single mom might be not a hing somebody would deliberately do and by no means is it easy. But it's is still waaaaaaaaay better then being in a shitty relationship or ending up childless (given that you want(ed) kids). And to be honest, modern "dating" became a quite unpleasant thing, so it's not that you're really missing much..
@@nikto7-b1b I know right!!! thank you so much for you feedback
I’m 26, and I could never say this to my friend, but she’s 37 and single (just “wasted” almost 2 years with a toxic guy she got engaged to after a month, after years of being single and healing), and she’s said numerous times how she never thought she’d be where she is at her age. She thought for sure she’d have a family by this point and how sad she is that she doesn’t. It scares me so much because it shows me how easily that could be me. It’s hard not to rush when you know you could easily be waiting/healing and another 10 years go by, or I meet some loser and spend 5 years with him and then we break up and I’m in the same position again at 31/32.
@@thecommonsensecapricorn YES. This!!! I have a friend the same way. Also same thing happened to her. But also, to yourself, I feel that completely. I’m terrified of getting into a relationship just bc as good as I am at reading ppl, they can still slip by the radar and just my luck it’ll be someone who ends up “changing their mind” last minute after like 5 years and then the rest of my “youth” is “gone”. I’m 25 turning 26 soon. I feel ya.
@@thecommonsensecapricorn also been waiting and healing for a few years now so I feel like it’s time to get back out there but damn. If it’s not the most nerve wracking thing…I hate time wasters and I’m at the point where if I get into something serious, I literally do not have that time to waste.
To be real with you yes time does go faster than you think! Early 30s flies by
5 years only goes by if you let it. It's OK to have clear timelines. There are still traditionally minded men who want marriage and children. If you share your desires and timeline (first child by 30, 35, or 40 for example) and only move forward with someone who is on the same page and SHOWS it with their actions. Matthew explained it very well. His advice is on point!
You are correct it is much harder after 34. Women your age face a dilemma. Most 26-27 year old men don’t have the recourses to comfortably start a family and are early career so you would be gambling he will provide the lifestyle you want.. If you want a family now consider men who are financially successful around 34-39 who but make sure they want a family and marriage because after working so hard to be successful some just want to be wealthy playboys.
if youre your genuine self and express your needs directly, youll sort out the wrong ones so much quicker. you save your time and energy along with theirs
I know couples with age gaps where the woman is older, yet they still manage to be on the same page. Some men can even be older and not mature enough to start a family. You have to possess good judgement of who can be mature enough to be at the same level as you.
Agree, age means nothing, as I could see in my life experience.
"You have to possess good judgement of who can be mature enough"
Has Matthew done a video of this? Because that's they key. Can someone share a link? Or Matthew, can you do one?
Because most women have a clear mind and communication skills. What's difficult is to spot the man who does, too.
and i also know some people who won the lotto and became millionaires, just lets buy the ticket and someday we all will win.
Thank you, Matthew. I’m in my thirties and have never been in a long term relationship, so the anxiety is starting to get real. I want marriage and family, but I fear I’m running out of time. This message was encouraging and helpful. ❤
Right there with you!
I wish I heard this 5 years ago but as one of the comments said: anything is possible even in 40s (that is where I am) ☀️ I truly believe that if we can see it I our mind, we can hold in our hands 😊 thank you for the video Mathew!
Ladies, please don't forget to live life for yourselves! Some of us get lucky with the right partner but others don't. Invest in yourself so you don't have to rely on anyone and date out of desperation!
I was married for almost 20 years. We were military, so having a family where we were both under the same roof was hard. We divorce when I was 38. I am 43 now. I still want children, but right now we are in a timeline where men and women are not getting along or they are not on my timeline, so I have made the choice to be a single parent via sperm donor, and I don't care what anyone thinks about it.
I don’t think that’s ethical for the child
@@awsambdamanshut up. Mind your own f****** business. Nobody asked you. Go watch Minecraft videos. This video is not for you.
To the op, I'm glad you're a single mom. I'm sure you're a wonderful mom. I don't care what anyone thinks either. You're a rockstar in my book. Keep going.
Go girl! ❤
One person in the comments below said that the women in their 20s should be aware of these problems and should date intentionally
I always dated intentionally
It’s not like guys in their 20s are rushing to marriage and kids
And women do want to find someone who they will love and who will love them back. It’s very hard. Especially if you’re not one of the top beautiful women
Believe me, women are very well aware in their 20s that they need to marry before 30, the pop culture doesn’t shut up about it. But it’s not that easy. And years fly
Seriously, I just entered my mid thirties and have been intentionally looking for a genuine relationship since I was 19. So many people spout off statistics and life experiences, but never stop to think that SOMETIMES, it really just doesn’t work that way for some. But are so quick to blame me and say that I “friendzoned” the nice guy, or I picked wrong or I wasn’t intentional enough when I was dating. Like, what? People don’t understand that LUCK has so much to do with it. Many women and men out there are just unlucky.
I did it with the wrong person and I am still grateful I did it and blessed to be on my own with my child now. Go for it ladies!
Really? It's worth it?! 😞 But it hurts to be broken up with/rejected, even WITHOUT the child... I'm glad you had the guts to do it with the wrong person... at least you have a reason to still see each other and there's a chance you and him can reconcile?
@@Goodwillwinoverevil1984 you're so focused on a very specific narrative. I assumed the person doesn't think much about wanting that wrong person back. What most people in this situation are most grateful for is their kid.
I have mixed feelings about this. I am happy that your child brings happiness to your life but I hope he's a good dad. Growing without a fatherly figure or with a dad that doesn't fullfill his role is hard :( Anyways, I hope the best for you and your child
So much wisdom, clarity and compassion expressed every time. And all so well articulated. Thank you Mattt from the bottom of my heart 💫 🌸.
Sadly sometimes you don't know that person is the wrong person when they say that they want everything you want.
I did it alone I had a Gorgeous Brave Boy for 8 years, his dad abandoned us.... illness scares many people.
I'm completely broken without Joe but I am so very blessed to have lived the life of a Mum with my Amazing Little Boy 💙🤗👣
What do you mean? Is your son still alive?
@SVAsianPhilippinesGo6858 no he had DMD he was so amazing and brave as I said he lived until he was 8 years old 👣💙🕊
You are such a strong person. My thoughts are with you.
💔
11:54 “I wouldn’t do this with the wrong person”.
“I’m doing this with or without you” - I love this and align with these statements as they are often things I think about when I reflect on where I am and what I still want in my life.
16:50 ✅
20:47
Thanks Matthew for this great video. This one hits home as I was in those shoes 5 years ago. I did not end past relationships as quick as I should have. Single in my late 30s, dating did not feel fun anymore for me. At one point, becoming a mother was more a priority than being in a relationship. So I decided to become a solo mom by choice. Best decision of my life!!
Matthew, I wish you could do a video about women in 40s who are actually facing and suffering real grief for the loss of being childless and single. It’s incredibly difficult and I know I’m not alone. Maybe even bring on a specialist to understand what grief actually is, its impact on the body and mind, and steps to overcome the battle.
This is needed. Yes, please.
As a 22 year old woman,that will have an unconventional path to parenthood, I really gained so much from this video, and I will be saving it for a few years down the line🙏🏼☺️thank you
There is nothing wrong with becoming a first-time mom at 38 or 40. Don't feel embarrassed.
💯
I am a true believer that nothing comes to us if it is not in the right moment (no matter it is positive or negative) and for me, this video came in a very special moment and I can't thank you enough for the kind and pratical ways to expresse it. All of that I felt in my past relationship that last for 6 years but I decided to end up since I saw that he did not want the same as I. Is so great to feel that it is ok and great knowing that I can say to myself that I want a family as a priority in my life and there are great ways to bringing that to the table in a future relation. Thank Matthew and your entire team that put such special contents as this out there for us. It will definitely impact some decisions I want to make in the near future 😊❤
I was married for 10 years and it’s like having a grown child he was worse than my kids. I been there but I won’t get married again. I will date but no marriage he was acting like I was a servant and now it’s worse they are so feminine Joe that your gonna be taking care of him .❤Goodluck
Am 47 . At 40 I did an IVF and it worked on my first try. My son is 5 and a half now. It changed everything. I enter relationships with men cool with a "detached of outcome mentality". I am now dating a man who is 14 years younger than me. I am totally in love with him and he with me. I live one day at a time. The only big issue that might happen in the future is that he might want kids of his own....and what are the odds I can have another kid at 47.....but we do talk about living together and he even told me that if things continue to move this way he will want to raise my son as his own. I need to have a conversation about having a kid of ours together....I need another miracle to get pregnant at 47+
Have you think about adoption? That is another beautiful way to raise a child in this world.
Don’t have a child to keep a man. Men will say anything to get what they want and live in moment.
Just my opinion, take what you like and leave the rest, but if you've succeeded this far at being a single mother, maybe keep a gap between your child and this man. He doesn't need to raise your child as his own. That child is your own. Very rarely do stepparents measure up. It's fine to be in a relationship, but keep your parenting world separate from your dating world. Just one old lady's advice. You don't have to take it it.
I am nearly 34 as of August 1. But being a person of faith, that really narrows my pool. But another hurdle for me is working full time and I started grad school. And I have to consider being with a man with kids already. That’s a big consideration for me. I know I would have to deal with baby mama. Whether directly or indirectly. But the little bit I am able to get out, I don’t really meet anyone of faith. I have a few guys who have been interested in me, but none of them were spiritually where they need to be for me to consider them. I’ve met one, but situation separated us and I have no way of contacting him. So I can only pray to see him again somewhere or wait for someone else. But then there’s the time to wait getting to know them.
My husband is a very very religious person and I am an atheist. It’s been hard sometimes, but I say you shouldn’t be so closed when it comes to that. I respect his faith and accompany him to church, even if I don’t believe. Love for one another can be stronger than faith/politics/etc. Agreeing in marriage, kids, rolls, timing, is more important.
I was so devastated when I realized 'you deserve better' means 'I don't want to put effort to give you what you want' and my ex boyfriends were saving up money for his next girl... I tried so hard to be a perfect lovable girlfriend and it didn't work I'm 24 and I know I got time but I can't help questioning myself I watched thousands of videos about starting and keeping happy relationships now I feel so lost and angry
when you’re a week away from turning 36 and this pops up 🥺
I feel you😢
Believe me, you still have time! I’m 40 😭
When you're a week away from turning 39 and.... 😂 I hear you sister, oooooh how I hear you 😢 the bitter-sweet-sour-salty symphony
I’m 42
Same here! Just a couple days. My dream is have a family, but I also think.. I want a family and children, but destiny at this point is saying "not yet", and maybe it's because some beautiful adopted children are in my path or an amazing husband with childrens.. I just have faith and release the control. But knowing my dream
Personally I find it hard to get to stage 5 after you already have feelings for someone so I try and make sure they know I want kids and in the next 3-4 years (I'm 29) before it gets to that exclusive stage or even near that. But that's just me :) Also taking my time with dating and getting to know someone properly before any kind of exclusivity mentioned, is very important.
Thank you for this video, a topic that needs to be more widely accepted and discussed, I have seen a lot of posts about women who don't want kids, but none about those who do but don't have the means to do so yet. Clearly it is a topic that a lot of women can relate to, so glad it has come up.
Awareness is Key!
That’s the best approach, it avoids wasting time and weeds out the bad suitors.
I found this video really helpful. As I’m in the process of looking into my fertility with a gynaecologist. As with being in my 40’s I want to see what my chances are and make a plan where to go from there. I’ve always found it hard to meet guys and calmly express my desire to become a mum someday, without freaking them out. I love the flower shop concept that it’s a passion of mine and can do it with someone or by myself. It’s really hard to try not to panic and worry about it when the window of opportunity is vastly closing in. Like the lady who made the comment, I’ve worked really hard in my career despite my ups and downs with it. I’m Glad that I’ve done all the things I have achieved, but thought I’d be with someone, get married and created a family by now. But sadly I haven’t and that does make me sad. But I have been doing a lot of healing and personal growth work this year, and knowing my worth again. Which I hope will make me mentally stronger to be ok with this regardless of what happens.
I am 41 starting IUI, having kids was important enough to me to do it alone.
What you really need to do is be upfront. There are men are also have that dream of kids . I would just ask them, " What are you really looking for?"
If he gets scared of that question, it means he is not looking for that, and he's not dating for that intention. People know what they want, it's simple. If you need to go in circles talking as if you want a "Flower Shop," you are playing games, and you will waste more of your time at best.
na the flower shop is analogy; when yoi have a goal like starting a flower shop business... can be any business ; a life goal per say... dont shy away from the open conversation because its talk about starting a family- be open an articulate like you would a career goal ; dont be shy/ basically speak your truth🌼
@shakoorah1 yes, upfront. already, by the first, second date, you need to share your goals about having a family if your clock is ticking. It involves him in a big way, so you need to tell him your true intentions and time frame. It's not like a goal where you are looking to learn a new hobby.
That is what I did before I met my husband. I call it the "Nigerian prince strategy" (by saying something preposterous at the start, you filter out the ones you are not looking for). If I told someone I was looking for a partner to grow old together and have grandchildren with, it saved me a lot of time for "filtering".
hhmm... Why there seem to be so many bitter men hating on women for not finding the love of their life sooner? I'm finding it a strange phenomenon... Why do you feel the need to discourage women like that?
If you want a younger woman to have children with, go ahead and try to find that for yourself, but why all the hate?
The angry men are the ones who didnt get what they want. So they are saying, older women, you are single because you refused to compromise what you wanted to please men (like us) so haha now you are being punished too. Misery loves company. People should be kinder to each other. If they took that hate energy back and used it to improve themselves enough to land whatever women they want. I wish them luck. It ducks to feel lonely and undesirable. But as many of these comments show, you can be with a partner and still feel lonely and undesirable. I suggest watching Jonathon Ainsley? He says be upfront and if that person isn’t aligned in goals, move on quickly.
@@cecilang9721 Yes, most women would prefer to be single than to be with a man who doesn't meet their standards, including me. I have one child already and would love to have more, but only if I meet a good man who would like to be my husband and a good father. If not, I can also be happy being single and living a bit like a monk, for the service of God, praying and meditating. Either way I will be happy, no need to worry 🙂
These men rage about older women without children yet, but they wouldn't make children either with girls of their age or younger !
They are all like "ya you too old to seduce men and have kids" and also "no I don't feel ready for kids, Im just a 30 yo boy"...
They are the incels...they are everywhere on the internet. They don't have life so they have plenty of time and they use it to try to hurt others, especially women. Misery loves company, as the saying goes.
becuse they been hurt and rejected. and choose hot and toxic women. or chased women that was not into them. or talked to immature and rude women therefore have bad expirences. same happens to women. why i think its sad people look down on age or gender. becuse men can also be 36 and single. good people but did not find the right woman. only becuse have options doesnt mean healthy long term options. also we cant force people to like someone. some people rush into people becuse they are lonley, desperte, want kids or think they cant get better, or ignore red flags, or people have attachments. so before we learn, we created pattens, suddenly we are in our 30s.
As always Matthew, you have created a new way of viewing and communicating a common relationship concern. You are a master of finding innovative and compassionate ways for people to navigate and articulate to their partners standards they desire in their lives and relationship! Thank you for making this very helpful video. I’m 55 and met someone I would love to see settling down with at this stage of life and this video will help me 💯 in having a conversation to see if he has the same vision and values as me with respect to the future! You are a Master! Thank you 🙏♥️😘
I have been watching your videos for close to 15 years at this point, and this video really made my heart break - not for me but for one of my closest friends. I (40F) have been happily married for 10 years, and we have a wonderful 6 year old; both marriage and kids weren't a high priority for me, but I was willing to do it with the right person. I am extremely lucky (and I work hard) to keep my relationship working, and I've never compromised on my hard boundaries. However, my best friend (40F, known her since we were 15) has always had the goal of marriage and kids since we met. It breaks my heart that she keeps spending her time and energy on pointless relationships, with men (perfectly nice people) who simply do not have the same goals as her. She wasted decades being strung along, led on, not holding up her own boundaries, no plan B, and going through massive emotional pain when each relationship met its demise. I wish she would have seen this video and felt it on a deep level in her 20s - I imagine she would have been in a significantly better position in life. I hope women like her are watching this video, and truly hearing what you're saying here. Thank you for continuing to record these videos. Cheers :)
I wish someone would give me this advise when I turn 18, to have them as a guide for the future.. i would not have understood back then, but I would understand as time would be passing.
I bought ''Love life'' today and I can't wait to read it! I rewatched step 5 to make sure I understood well how to create a space so that I can express my goal and also show interest in what the other person sees for himself. I think it's brilliant. I feel like all the other steps are relevant as well. Thank you for sharing this. 😊
Don’t waste your time being someone’s girlfriend. I think after 30, your either dating or engaged to be married. Why should we give up our options to someone who have not committed to us fully? Date several until the right one proposes.
In that case, men should date several women at a time as well and see who's the best option.
@@yuriy5376 they do!
@@yuriy5376 Men already do this shit
Dear Matthew, you asked what this video meant to me and honestly I cannot put it in one word. I'm following you for a few years now and I think, this video is one of the most important videos you have ever made!!
I feel relieved. Helped me clear my head. Thank you.
I wanted a family in my twenties, in my thirties it is all about profession, health, and friends.
I’m in a relationship now, but last year when I was dating I met some really nice men. I did exactly what the advice is here- I made sure they knew starting a family was a priority of mine but that I had my own plan for it and was open to meeting the right person without pressure. Not only did it keep them relaxed, but most of them offered to help me with it 😂 guess it was better than running for the hills
Sounds like me, past year of dating I have the talk quite early. I’m dating a nice and understanding guy, I still feel I should prioritize becoming a solo mom.
Freeze your eggs and also embryos if you have a stable partner, just in case. Then you can relax. I've been for 12 years with my husband and until 41 years old I was SURE I didn't want kids. Then things changed. I realized that I was just scared (fear of motherhood caused by trauma). The irony is that I'm a biologist and I knew well that my time probably was gone. I'm 43 now and stil trying. I am healthy and I look 10 years younger (people get impressed when I tell them my age). Egg quality and reserve doesn't relate to that and my ovaries do not respond to stimulation.
I want the whole experience and will probably get egg donation at some point. I know that freezing eggs is a big investment for some people, but you can always work for money, while the egg number and time frame are limited. Better safe than sorry.
This is not a dream of mine... But I appreciate this. Because so much of how it's talked about is... "Panic! Age will crush you! Neener neener!" Like it's some kind of "gotcha!"
But it's not, and options are very real. And no one should feel rushed or forced. And families should be made when the time is correct, and not a moment sooner.
Always the voice of reason so I thank you again, Matt.
1000% percent!
39 female from Pakistan. Single by circumstances n theres no hope left .All i wanted to have a family of my own. 😢
Oh Girlfriend! I am a 38 year old single woman! I think there is still hope! I will have hope for both of us until we get there! Hold on ❤
@@chantalmarie8361 Me 3
I'm 38, doctor, fully paid home, investments. I look way younger than my age. same situation, I found most men having problems that I have 5 years ago, I didn't want to coach anyone. costing me too much time just to go on dates, and most of the conversations are uneventful. the men I did meet, even the older ones. Once they found out I was doing good in life, they wanted me to look after them. I have decided I'm going to do me and be happy and stay single.
Freeze ur eggs ladies. I did it a few days ago at 40. Cuz my ex sent me a video saying “no man would want a woman with a couple or years left of shelf life” before he broke up with me a week later. He was a year younger than me. But thanks to him, I now no longer date in desperation to settle down because of my biological clock.
@@nybrothermanwe women know nothing can change our bio clock. There is no fix to that factual comment towards her, it was unkind, reminding us of the fate we may face of never having children. Instead of moping, we try to see the silver lining or soothe ourselves psychologically by taking active steps such as egg freezing. Thank u for the reminder though, but we really don’t need that fact thrown in our faces unless u get a kick out of it
@@ShelynI feel like I missed something. The guy must have deleted his comment after u posted 😅
Sister ,Please guide me about the egg freezing process .I am 41 years 7 months old.Lost family in covid.All the grief has taken a toll on my body .
Oh God... why men are so cruel 😢
@@poojapooja-m9x7k I’m so sorry to hear that lovely. It’s important to put yourself first. I found yoga and Pilates really helped me with stress. And it maybe a good idea to nourish your body, like adding protein into your breakfast even if you don’t feel like eating. And taking folic acid/ prenatal supplements months before u start the process is helpful. The process of egg freezing can be taxing but if I can do it, so can you. Be kind to yourself, and listen to your body. You’re doing your best and that’s always more than enough 🩵
Im 29 years old and feel like im ready to start family but the person im with doesn't look like he wants to start family with me.This video was super helpful thank you
I mean I'm a man, and this video is really relevant to me. :D I'm 33 atm but I don't want to be old when I'll have my 1st child. I want to see them throughout a lot of years. How they grow up, what kinda person will they become. Want to support them for as long as I need to.
I remember the first time you talked about this in a video talking directly to men about not wasting women's time because of this very reason. Thank you for creating another video giving us the steps to approach this topic with someone. I am in this situation and this video was extremely helpful!!
I am almost 33, still no career. I met guy 4 years ago (LDR). He ghosted me 2 weeks ago. He was reading my messages now stopped. I only wanted to ask why. Last call when I asked why he was silent 2 weeks he said "I can't tell because you will be angry and you will say that I hurt your ffeelings and asjed why I always think the I have someone ". He had to call but didn't. And I can't move on wasting now my precious time for career and having family. ...
put partner first, careers can always come later or come at a slower pace. I was engaged at 24. Now 26 getting married. Barely worked in 3 yrs… career is on back burner, but slowly… men care more about age than career. I have mostly traditional values, half modern. Life is a journey
@@paolar.6408 I can completely sympathise with you on this. I had a guy I really liked that breadcrumbed and ghosted me. Instead I focused on my career and still feel I haven’t achieved what I thought I would have, and felt like I failed in life. My friend told me to stop using the F word all the time. As we don’t fail in life but we grow and keep learning. Also that the guy is not your person and if he was he wouldn’t have treated you like this. Have faith that your person will come along and you’ll find your passion/ purpose in life. Things have a way of falling into place. I believe in the power of manifestation, that things happen for a reason and the universe is always in your favour. It’s just seeing it and allowing it to guide you through the unknown. That it will show you the bad as well as the good. You just have to be brave enough to go through this journey and trust the process. You’re still young at 33 and still have time. I hope this helps and regains your faith in yourself. You Just need to believe that you deserve all the things you want in life x
Don't waste your time in him. You get one life. I wish someone told me
I suspect, paolar, that you have significant childhood trauma if you struggle with both career AND were stuck for THAT long with such an avoidantly attached individual as people who ghost after being in relationship with your for years typically are. I hope you can prioritize a healing journey first and foremost and then in a couple of years at age 35 you may be surprised how much has fallen into place for you in your life.
Make your life happen. My dating life was meh but I'm glad I went back to school when I was 24 and got my bachelor's. I'm 33 now, been single for a year and decided to educate myself in Cybersecurity. Im looking forward to my 2nd degree! You got this.
Ladies. If you can…first go and get an MOT fertility check to see what your AMH levels are and/or start looking into egg freezing options from your late 20’s - mid 30’s depending on the results. Not every woman has low fertility count despite the age. Egg freezing results now are much better than they used to be also please take into consideration that those results are usually based on women who go into it much much older & like he said, give yourself options. Set a deadline for when you will meet your partner. If not, look into the donation route. Do not put your wants/ dreams into the hands of another person who can disappoint you at any time of their choosing. Most importantly make sure you are financially literate and savvy too.
i’m in my 20’s but i just wanna say to the girlies in the comments to not worry too much. my aunt had the healthiest baby at literally 60 years old. i get it’s an exceptional case, but this just proves science is not absolute. whatever is meant for you will come at the right time.
That is incredible! Could you please tell some specifics about it? I'm 43 and still dreaming about becoming a mom.
@@urbanlegend1347 freeze you eggs as said or if not you can always use donor eggs literally at any age. Google Valentina from Ukraine she gave birth at 66 with donors egg
@@urbanlegend1347 it just happened naturally, she wasn’t even trying to have a baby lmao. but he was so beautiful and healthy. my other aunt was told to give up because they said she was infertile and she literally ended up having 5 kids. 4 boys and a girl. the one common factor between my aunts is they never believed they can’t, and they believed in God. and that was easily 30+ years ago. today there’s so many things you can do with modern medicine. just please never give up. my aunt’s daughter is 43 and just had a baby.
@@alinaivanov5536 Thank you dear.
I don't understand when people say " biological clock" and the "rush to have children" while million of them are out there waiting for us. 😅
I personally have the grace to love others children the same way I could love my own. ❤
I feel like the baby fever of single women in their mid to late 30s could be dangerous if the focus is "I have to have a child ASAP" and there is all this fear around missing out.
Also, the lack of education around fertility. Things drastically change mid 30s to 40, then only have a 5% chance per ovulation at 40 and decreases every year. These are also high risk pregnancies. Children should be so intentional and thought out.
the second part of your comment explains the why of the first part, do you think women don’t know what are the best conditions to have a baby?
@@victoriaporsiemprethat’s probably why they don’t have kids because they were intentional.
So doctors keep saying but yet they do not clearly define y it is high risk. If u r living a healthy life then the risk can be the same as anyone else. If u have a condition the risk is the same as anyone else. Yes the probability of getting pregnancy decreases each year but hospitals need to stop telling all women they are high risk die to age and instead make the judgement based on individual factors. So annoying.
@@Catina28high risk refers to increased risk of preeclampsia, which can lead to prematurity or neonatal loss, chromosomal anomalies which can come with congenital heart defects, musculoskeletal abnormalities etc.
I don't know how you do it, but you really read minds and translate it in a beautiful way, carefully selected the words and your empathy is awesome, you really have a gift for this
I am a 33 year old woman single mother by choice. My Son is 10months now and I am feeling happy and accomplished about my choice. I’ve only met men who aren’t ready or cannot possibly share with me a live I’d like to have. I will not wait on a ship that I don’t know if it’s coming, I chose how long to wait for it. Love will come to me however I am if it will.
Thanks so much for this video! I've just had my second egg retrieval. IVF isn't a guarantee but having the option is so empowering. I've been thinking about starting to date again and this helped a lot!
My sister turns 40 this year. She works 12 hours a day and has a C-suit job. She is VERY demanding from men and is afraid to fail to the point that she never had a boyfriend.
She's now thinking about a child alone but she probably won't do it...
I'm devastated for her because her work won't ever bring her what a family could have.
Her work needs a family incentive and leave, what kind of work is that?!
This is so sad. Nearly 40 and never had a boyfriend? Her career is her man. Heartbreaking💔
I might see things differently, I wouldn’t feel sad for her because not many women at her age would achieve a c-suite position in her career. She might have to sacrifice the time and dedication for a partner to get where she is. To have an SO might not be every woman’s life goal. It’s kinda admirable, maybe ask she if she upset about her relationship situation? She would find someone as achieved as she is. ❤
Hi Matthew, thank you for this video. Right when I came to this state of mind, I met my current partner and for the first time in my 30s, we are having casual open conversations about life plan without feeling I’m putting pressure on him. This video deeply resonates with me!
This is great advise. A bit click bait. “Women” should be replaced with people. A young man or old man does not = ready for family. I know this from experience. You need to be very clear about your goals very very early on relationship as a 40 years old man might still not be in that path. My husband and father of my children is 7 years younger and he was more ready than me. For some weird reason men think they have zero clock and that eventually they will find a 20 year old and get kids.. further from the truth. In fact this is a bigger problem for men cos they sit on their ass and most miss the opportunity while women are always very proactive in their 30s. I know more men that missed the boat than women. So maybe we should make these videos for men and provide real advise.
You are absolutely spot on, couldn't have said it better myself.
Thank you for this video. Its what I needed to hear. I'm also 38. I was in a on and off three year relationship with a guy ten years old than me. I had the serious talk with him and explained that this was a goal of mine. I consulted with a fertility doctor who explained the whole process and the out of pocket costs. After careful consideration, I decided this is something I would like to do with a steady partner. I thought we were doing good and asked if he would want to be my sperm donor or consider doing this with me. He basically said "no" in a round about way. I took this is my cue to walk away. He is not the right person for me and my future children. Even though, I feel like I am running out of time, I want to be with the right person. Whether that's raising our own biological ones or adopting.
We need a support group for this convo.. I’m fully prepared to use a donor within this next year although I am hoping I meet someone before that. It’s such a hard place to be and takes a lot of courage and future planning to decide on family planning. So appreciative of this topic
I’m 25, I broke up with a man because he wanted to have children in 10 years while I want to have them in 3-5. Being a mother has always the one thing I always knew I wanted in life.
I've watched your videos for a decade Mathew, unknowingly you've played a huge role as I navigated relationships in my 20s and early 30s! This video has now served as a perfectly narrated summary of my present situation - I've actually been doing all the steps you mentioned (must be all your training over the years😂) but have yet to find my human with aligned goals and time frame. For egg freezing-i did the full set up and backed out last minute as I discovered it is against my religious beliefs. So I feel that places me on a bit of a back foot, any advice?
That flower shop analogy is the best gift ever. Its not a burden, its a great perspective a great prospect to look forward to with pride.
I’m 43 so time ran out for me. It is very hard to work enough to afford to live life alone but then I ran out of time.
You can adopt and it's not too late. I know people who had first kids at 43, 44 and 45. If you want them, I hope you find a way❤
Have a friend who had a kid at 46. Her first kid and a other at 42. Don't give up.
I would disagree with trending about un realistic positivity. If you are not financially strong and older, then choosing to not be a mom might be a good choice. Kid can be mentally and physically struggle.
I'm pregnant with my first child at 42, naturally conceived. Who said u have run out of time exactly. As women we really need to investigate these stories. Ure out of time when u hit menopause. And at that stage it is wat it is.
@@Catina28I’m almost through perimenopause and still single so that won’t happen for me and I don’t want to do it alone.
I am exactly in Maryam’s situation, same age, immigrant, not in a relationship. This was really deep and useful advice. Thank you Matthew. 🙏🏻
I loved this video and it was perfect timing for me. Im literally at step 3 and do have a plan for step 1 and 2 as my goal is being achieved with or without someone so that reminder empowered me so I can continue making connections and learning and sharing with someone knowing my plan and goals are in place. Thank you for the clear structure of how to maintain my standards for what I want and be confident in the exploration stage without being a co conspirator to the detriment of my future. A plan that is beautiful and exciting. You put it all so eloquently. Thank you!!! ❤
If you are not been pregnant before, you have to know that when you are pregnant, a very strong instinct of wanting protection, security and a companion with you awakes and it is very difficult to shut down, I was decided to have my kid alone, but the instinct was so strong that brought so many problems and disagreements with my partner at that time, I ended loosing my baby
I can’t thank you enough. You are the big brother we all NEED. May God bless you.
Yess pretty difficult also when they say they want a relationship but then “you already have kids so I can’t” … really like we single parents don’t deserve anymore to have a family or like my kids are problem. I am getting really sick of trying to meet someone 😔
Excellet video that reflected my process over the last years. I was so desperate to find THE man to create a family, and have a deep commitment towards each other. I eventually kept single because I have not find a man wanting that. After a lot of frustration, grief, hate and a lot of emotions, I decided that no matter with a man or alone, I will be a mother. This totally shifted my perspective on men. and I felt so empowered by this step. Because being a mother in this life is what I long for. And I will do it on my own if no man is there for that process.
Currently dating a single father. It's not for me, I'm not happy. Should I leave? I'm 34...
Yes. Stop wasting your life with the wrong person. You will regret it
Get out!!!
I'm 33.. only married men approach me. Was told "you are the hot mistress fantasy".... Wanting a family, in this time, is dangerous. Ever man tells me "you deserve better. I'm no good".. but no one actually comes w better...I'm working hard to let go of this desire. It's actually a burden, at this point. I suppose as i get closer to 40 I'll be over it. I'm looking forward to that time. Trying to date is a nightmare. I'm too old to keep wasting my time. My life is consistent, on my own. I'm stable. I'm free. I'm independent. I'm not going to let what I've built be destroyed by a devilish man. It's so disappointing.
Hi Matthew, thank you for the advice. I wish I knew this when I was younger. I learnt it the hard way but it's nice to hear you sum it up so well and with a structure. I made the mistake of having the conversation about the desire but not the timeline, because I got the impression that the other person has the same timeline as me, which was an assumption. You won't know until you ask, right. I would also warn against being naive when interpreting what the other person is saying, some people can make a no sound like a maybe, and make a maybe sound like a yes. Hence I like what you said about check in again after some time and see if there has been progress. Someone who wants what you want should be excited when you talk about the very topic. If they keep on being "unsure", it's likely they've been telling you what you want to hear all along but never truly wanted the same thing.
Amazing advice. Yes, reading between lines it's important