Mourning the Loss of a Parent You Didn't Get on With
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- Опубліковано 28 вер 2024
- losangeleswest...
How do you mourn the loss of a parent you didn't get on with? Do you even mourn at all? The parent you are estranged from, who may have abandoned you as a child; may have abused or neglected you; or may have just not shown any interest in you is now dead!
It may be like hearing of the death of a stranger - someone that wasn't in your life. But you will have a reaction beginning with relief and numbness to rage later on. Not for the person your parent was, but for the role they should have played in your life and didn't. This video takes you through the phases and stages of emotional reactions you likely will have if you are to mourn the parent (not the person) you longed for and didn't have.
You won't grieve the loss of a parent who wasn't part of your life, but if you don't mourn the loss of the parenting figure you were deprived of, you will get stuck in the mourning process and it will affect your other relationships. This video speaks to the range of emotions to expect and how to let it out.
I found out my father passed away early this morning. He was abusive throughout my childhood and the rest of my family left him during my teen years. I stopped talking to him shortly after college so that I can move on with my life since he still sounded like a broken record, not taking any accountability for the abuse. In recent years, he dealt with numerous health problems, financial stress, and poor living condition. He doesn't really have good support from his own family and relatives, and he never really had friends because he would cut people off as he eventually grew distrusting towards them. He passed away alone in a public setting. Despite what happened in the past, I cried several times today. I'm sad and I learned that my feelings come from a place of empathy and forgiveness. I truly wanted him to live a happy and healthy life even though he chose not to. I wanted him to let go of resentment as he used to blame others rather than reflecting on himself. I can't help, but feel incredibly sad when I learned that he died alone with no loved ones around him. It's very hard to deal with these emotions I have now and I keep thinking how life for everyone might be very different if he wasn't the toxic parent that he was.
So sorry and your tears are appreciated.Children always love their parents, no matter how mean the real parent may be! Perhaps write letters to your Dad.Express yourself.Keep these letters and later, wisdom.may come.Parents are not always mature when they have kids- perhaps learning about your Dad's childhood will help you gain deeper understanding.
Thank you for sharing your story.
My dad has not passed yet but has been in grave health after a stroke 3 years ago. We have not spoken in over 9 years and now he has a tumor in his face spreading to his brain and may be too weak to survive treatment (my youngest brother texted me yesterday to inform me of this).
I am simply continuing the process of mourning the loss of the parent he was not.
I was so moved by reading your comment because it’s the exact situation I find myself in. My dad sounded very similar to your dad and he passed away about a week ago in similar circumstances. The grief I feel for my dad who I was estranged from is so different than the grief people with loving parents they were close to experience. It’s so hard to talk to anyone or to be able to relate to them because they just don’t understand.
I hope you’re doing better now ❤️
@@dj_bae I'm sorry to hear about your loss. It's definitely awkward and difficult to talk about it with others because there's a lot of mixed feelings involved. Also, grief is a sensitive topic for many and they don't know what to say. I am feeling better now as I learned more about my dad's childhood and struggles in life which helped me understand why he is the way he is. I'm definitely sure he went through childhood trauma and other types of trauma later in life. I'm able to forgive and wish he didn't have to go through so much in life which ultimately affected his choices, our family, and everything he went through towards the end. I probably only disclosed to one of my close friends who is mature enough to understand. I've gotten tons of inappropriate responses that I rather not even talk about it. I hope you're able to receive the right support during this period. Take care.
@@catherinepeppers791 learning about my dad’s childhood definitely helped me understand why he ended up the way he did. I also agree that some parents are not emotionally mature or ready to be parents when they have children. Thanks for the advice.
My father died yesterday and my emotions are very mixed. I haven't seen him in like 4 years. He rejected me since a child, he pushed me away in so many ways that I stopped trying to get closed. I gave him all I could as a daughter, all the love he never wanted from me, it was free! Most people wanted bom for nos money, all I wanted was his love. But how can you love somebody when he has no love for himself. I forgave him and released him so that he can go in peace. What's done is done.
This is me! Exactly how I feel! My father hasn't died yet but he isn't doing good! I'm numb !!
@Miss Mimi My dad just died a few days ago and almost everything you said sounds like what I did; he wasn't emotionally present, rarely calls me, and and was kinda a jerk. For my own well-being, I cut him out of my life months before. When I saw him on his deathbed, I just forgave him and left. I've made my peace that this relationship I wished I had will never happen, so I just feel free. Like you said, what's done is done.
My mom passed away 21 days ago. We were enstranged for the past 2 years. It started when I finally found my voice at age 57yrs. I am 59 years old now. My mom has always been present but never saw me. At least thats what I felt. The only reason I started to 'matter' to my family, my mom in particular is when I became the most successful of all his kids. At first I enjoyed the new found attention. My opions suddenly mattered but my feelings never did. I became the money bag everyone stayed close to for the benefits. I spoke out 2 years ago, cut all financial support (she wasn't on the street, didn't need my money but wanted it) and as I feared, I became a nothing again. In fact she told me so. I am a jumble of emotions. Where do I start?
my father and I were estranged. He was a toxic, manipulative and abusive. He died . I dont regret cutting him out of my life. Not at all. I completely agree, I am mourning who he should have been, the role he should have played. I didnt have a Dad that made me feel safe. He was my first bully who got off on emotionally torturing those around him for his sick amusment. I am still sitting here, crying because my siblings and I.... we deserved better! That thought keeps playing over wnd over in my head. It has nothing to do with how much money he made or the house we lived in. I was a kid, I didnt care. It had to do with him abusing us. I am so envious and confused by people who have good fathers. it sounds like a dream. Its so hard when you only get 1 Dad and mine just happened to be a piece of work. I know life is unfair, it still sucks. My siblings and I deserved a really great Dad. Everyone does. I fooled myself in the beginning thinking I didn't have to mourn. I thought if he wasn't worthy of mourning I wouldn't gave to.
My mother passed away yesterday and I don't know how to feel. We had been completely estranged for two years but for 5 years before the estrangement, we had been drifting apart. We were so disconnected that every time I went to visit her at her apartment, I felt like I was already talking to a headstone. It sounds strange but now that she's dead, I have this feeling that not much has changed.
My father was an alcoholic and a narcissist. I stopped talking to him in 2015. He died two days before Christmas this year. I feel guilty we could never reconcile, but more than anything I feel so much rage for what a manipulative, abusive, toxic asshole he was. He lived longer than he deserved and my life would have been better without him in it. I am grieving the fact that I didn't have a better dad that I could have a relationship with without him fucking me over and ruining my life.
My biological mother was found dead in her room by my half brother yesterday. My adoptive mother seemed to be heavily concerned about my lack of mourning. My biological father had apparently moved back to the eastern coast over a year ago without my knowledge.
My mom passes away in march this year. Yet, I didn't feel nothing towards her. Sure, it came some moments I cried, but nothing big at all. Why is that, you may ask? Well, let me tell a story short:
Mom was a manipulative person. Often, she used me as a threat. Later on, she supported incest within the family. Which I condemned. After that, almost ten years estrange, I already cried for her. At least it feels like it. I try to be open minded, letting my memories of her be fully wide open. Even I had some good memories of her, I had worse memories of her.
I have an enmeshed but estranged (is that possible?) with my parents. My father is terminally ill, and all of those unresolved, repressed emotions have resurfaced. The abandonment, betrayal, scapegoating, being triangulated, being made into a surrogate spouse, waiting for daddy to save me, etc. has made me so angry. I wish someone understood, but all anyone is doing is using the reactions I’ve had against me to support their narrative of me being a “bad” person.
When someone is about to die, people often deal with it by looking for someone or something to pin it on, and absolve themselves of guilt. They need to find someone to blame and put their unresolved issues into. Sounds like you feel you have been made into that scapegoat, and that is hard to bear, especially when your own stuff is stirred up. Focusing on what you need to come to terms with is probably a good strategy for you to implement.
Find outside support or keep back journal.Sounds like you were not allowed to be separate from Mom and Dad.There are good books on grief and on building a sensebof self.Try to find activities and friends who accept you.
I lost my mom 8 months ago. and i am finding it very hard to grieve she was mentally ill for a long time and i could not deal with this on a daily basis I put her in a assisted living where she continued to belittle me tell anyone who would listen I stole her money. . Those hurtful words never go away Iam still searching for a way to move on because no matter what was said or done She was and still is the one who gave me life
So sorry.Take time out to process this passing.Please get a journal or go to library, many good books on grief out there.Listen to music.Much of what you Mother said to you was all about how she felt about herself:sadly you were innocent.But perhaps ypu can find comfort in.the knowledge she was hurting and not in a place to see you or be responsive to you.Forgive her if you can.
Thank you for this. I’m currently going through this after losing my father and I’m having a hard time making sense of my emotions. Your video was ver helpful.
Dr. Raymond,
I’m very grateful I have found your video on this. Everything you mentioned in this video was 100% spot on for me; I wanted to know if I were wrong. The short video has validated my situation.
Thank you for this and Stay Well.
Blessings to u I was sure I had commented this video b4 musta been 1 with similar title
Ya I lost my dad 2 months b4 I became12 his parents died young much on his side did i dont fear passing to the glories of heaven seems my dad was a late bloomer to
Condolances for ur lost loved 1s
Wow, I've experienced all of those stages. I feel that I have mourned the loss of the ideal father figure that my biological father never fulfilled. One challenge that I'm experiencing is anger that my sister had a father figure and I did not.
I lost my dad 3 months ago, and my wife says I'm dealing with it well. I guess it helps he really didn't care for me. It still is very hard knowing he is my biological father, but I'm able to keep my feelings more at bay since he didn't really love me. I'm glad he seemed to have a peace like he was ready to be with Jesus in heaven. The last few months of his life, I saw him some, and the last time he had the most peaceful look on his face and his eyes shut as my wife was singing on stage at church. He had a heart attack soon after. I love the idea of him loving me in heaven with no more abuse. It is hard that I loved him so much but never really felt the same. The good news is God has been answering me about a Him taking the place of my dad. I worry often times that God is like my dad.
thankyou this was perfect it really validated some feelings I'm having that I thought were strange
I just found out my dad died 2 years ago and no one told me. I had to sleuths around on Facebook cause there's no information otherwise. My knee-jerk reaction is to blame those that didn't call me about it, but deep down maybe I didn't deserve to partake in his life in the end because I stayed away. I don't know, but it still hurts.
We live in this culture of psychology that tells us that we are broken, our parents are broken, we are broken because of our parents; over-paid therapists they tell us now how our parents (sometimes very poor or struggling with their own emotional problems) should have treated us 30 years ago ....... and we are trained to hate them, we isolate, we cut them off and cling to therapists who tell us how to live our own lives, while we finance theirs. The only way to live is to forgive your parent and other imperfect human beings who wronged you - be cautious and avoid any further harm, but never hate like the industry advises you to do, or you will hurt eventually....
Annas1259, don't you think that's a bit of a one-sone-fits-all approach?
Each situation is different, and while some people may totally benefit from reconciliation as you describe, some people may not - especially if there's been abuse, sadly, the safest option may stay away.
XOXO, I'm sure that there were reasons why you and your father didn't stay in touch. Whatever the story behind it was, I think you did the best that you could based on what you knew and that you can give yourself compassion for what sounds like a really difficult time.
What if it is way more subtle than abuse and if your dad at times still took that role. Very ambivalent. And now died. Sometimes I feel like I’m not entitled to cry too much, other times I feel like I’m not being thankful enough.
I resonate with this. Allow yourself to feel all those feelings, maybe one at a time. It is after all your own unique, complicated story. Honour that.
I am dealing with anger. Im angry I feel devastated that my adoptive mother passed whom hated me and belittled me my whole life. Today makes two weeks since her passing, each Sunday/Monday anger sets in, I cannot help it but I want to move past this and get on with my life. I have other areas in my life that need the energy being wasted. 😞
Your feelings of devastation and belittling are of a traumatic nature. It takes up a lot of energy because it stopped you having a healthy secure development. Trauma keeps you stuck until you process it and fully mourn your loss of not only your adoptive mother who wasn't nurturing, but your biological mother who for whatever reason didn't parent you. If you want to get past it, the best way is not to ignore it but to take it seriously and attend to your emotional trauma in a suitable therapy with someone you feel comfortable and safe with.
Content is useful but the sound is far too low to hear clearly.
I've searched online for information on how to deal with the death of an estranged parent and I'm finding very little. Do you have any other reference material or videos?
Mourning involves processing with another person - right brain to right brain. Reading books only involves your rational brain and is a one way experience. Not helpful - seek out a good mental health professional who will be emotionally available for you to process and digest the many different recurring features of mourning that can't be done alone.
My mom die last year Jan 27 2022
She sick me my brother found dead she never waken up my mom was 62 bad heath she always know she was going die she tell every one she die but we thought it was my mom depression and mentally heath my mom was narssistic and biolor she verbally abuse me and my siblings when was kids and she hit us offen we have little red mark on legs and back mom be moody offen she take bad days out me and my siblings we was normal kids remember she say mean stuff to us upset us we tell mom that not nice what said she say didn't care be mad say things back I was mad I didn't mean anything I said I was upset with mom how she treat me and my siblings me and sister taken blame for everything we always I apologize to mom after she start arguments get us mad she never told us sorry we always forgive mom and me and siblings try make mom happy we taken care my mom she sick and we help rent bills clean the house by gifts for mom and take. Out dinner still love mom always forgive her we know something wrong mom mentally because she and her siblings was abuse by there mom. When they was kids so blame her mom and dad they damge my mom and her siblings mentally and emotionally my use to take meds for her depression she stop taken it she take meds her knees and back pain and she stomach pills for bad stomach system she had sleep issues her doctor give her oxygen mask for bed time and taken naps help breath and sleep better. She use the oxygen machine 5 days she doesn't like it so stop using it
Me and my siblings will cheek on mom every night make sure breathing
My mom had heart attack she lost oxygen and die in her sleep was wrost thing happened fine your mom cold and dead
My dad abandoned me and sister when was 13 her re married new lady he cut all contact me and siblings and my family
My mom and dad divorce when was baby after the divorce my mom yet her best to be good mom and taken care of me and siblings I know she didn't meant abuse us
My bday was Jan 25 and my mom die after my bday I had little bday it didn't feel right mom not there
Still miss her and cry her and dad I have no parents half my family is narcissist I never really feel love and care for as kid to teen's to I got older feel I am not enough I not love
So I try fine love I had boyfriend's but they was toxic so left them
I don't trust people to this day still healing day by dad still sad I have no Heath family
💕
Wow not one of these sentence was uttered from my therapist when my mom died.
If I wasn't so old I'd become a therapist because I've gone to therapy for so many years I have a zero respect for those losers all they want is money and the insurance is just nasty
Thank you.
My youngest (half) brother reached out in a text to let me know my dad has a cancerous tumor on his face that is spreading to his brain and is so weak he may not survive immunotherapy. My reply was, "Thank you for letting me know. " It was all I could muster. We have not had a relationship for over 9 years. I have forgiven him and my step mom for the abuse and the neglect when we were younger. I just cannot be there for them. My brother is going to have to be the one. I.just.can't. I am moving in a different direction as an aging adult. 😔
Thank you for the strength behind this video. It was comforting.
I never knew love and support from my parents, so I left home at 16. I haven't seen them for decades and we live in different countries. I just learned that my father died. I feel so guilty. I don't hate them. Now I've become delusional thinking about the relationship I could have had. I am confused.
Thank you - I found this presentation very helpful: in particular the way it informed me of the separate parts played by the body and the role. My father died several years ago but some parts of the loss still need processing and this helps :)
Thank you so much I’m experiencing this exact thing right now I really appreciate you taking time out of your busy schedule to help out people like me
I watched this with curiosity after trying heal so many years later, I wish I knew about this very long time ago. I just want to say you are truly a blessing for helping people for feeling lost or confused. Have a lovely day
Everything you have just described is EXACTLY what I've been going through since my father (who I was estranged from) passed away in 2021 and nearly 1.5 years later I am still stuck in this rage/devastation cycle. Only from watching your video do I understand why I've been stuck. This explains exactly why I've been going through everything else that I've been going through since he passed away. Thank you so much from the bottom of my heart.
In my case, it was my mother.
Same year as your parent.
Like you said, there are times of anger. There were times when I went above and beyond trying to fix.
I think the reason she was the way she was because of her mother my grandmother.
As a child growing up I always heard negative stuff spewing out of my grandmother's mouth and in turn my mother followed suit.
@@ajalicea1091 It is the cycle of generational trauma I think. Trying to break the cycle!
My therapist told me to stop being dramatic and just man up already
Regardless if its my fault or not it still hurts and time isnt healing anything
People have every right to be candid and honest, to express themselves freely. I have known plenty of people for whom the death of a parent-a father or stepfather especially, but frequently a mother-was no tragedy. There is a book "LIberating Losses:When Death Brings Relief". I recall an episode of "Voices in the Family" with Dr. Dan Gottlieb where he noted the death of a parent or spouse could end "years of exhausting caregiving, an abusive relationship"-or both. As Woody Guthrie put it
"So long, it's been good to know you" and a hit song from the 1950s-"Got along without you before I met you, gonna get along without you now !"
Wow, thank you so much! This is very insightful and helpful.