Understanding Trauma - Part 14 - Neglect Trauma - Part 1
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- Опубліковано 14 гру 2023
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Neglect Trauma (Little "t" Trauma) is the most common trauma but the hardest to identify. Many with it struggle to identify it because they never had anything horrific happen to them. Tim helps us better understand this type of trauma and the damage it does.
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I thought I had a great childhood. I had both parents, they had good jobs, we lived in a nice home, had plenty of food, medical, new clothes, we took nice vacations every year and Christmas and birthdays we got many nice presents. They went above and beyond in the physical, but the emotional side was non existent. My parents never really even talked to me other than small talk. If you saw the movie ordinary people the relationship between the mother and son was pretty much the same as I had with both of my parents. I never realized until recently that parents were supposed to connect and teach their kids about life. I thought a parents job was just to pay the bills. I'm 52 and I've struggled in every aspect of life from employment, financial, casual friends, and intimate relationships and I never could understand why. But the more I learn about neglect and attachment I realize that most all my problems had their roots in my childhood. And it's very depressing because the best years of my life are over and I've missed out on so much life
never to late...heal and thrive...connect...to others who are serious about healing...
You have soooo Much Love, Luck and Laughter left in you. I can tell your on the right path. Keep up the amazing work.
"The power of thoughts can either cause you illness or recovery."
Ps. Your not alone
I don't see anyone blaming....@@genol.depello7274
If you got r@ped I'm sure you'd take personal responsibility...@@genol.depello7274
I don't think they are blaming them. Just realizing it was missing. I think they understand their parents didn't have that in their childhoods. Time to break the generational curse. We have the power to heal.
I finally realized at some point that when I learned to be kinder and more compassionate and understanding toward myself, my compassion and understanding toward others improved significantly.
That's it exactly. x
Wow. I’ve never been described more accurately in my entire 60 years.
Me, ..also
Neglect trauma is devastasted me. How its link with developmental trauma, attachment trauma. And have childhood loneliness, lost father figure, I have no direction in my life. After I confront it, I figure it lately, that there is generational trauma, how my mom grew up in her family, and she invalidated my feeling, that there are other people that feel worse that I am. I feel lost in childhood, adolesence. And prolonged neglected is affect in my adulthood. I feel lost in my life, like adrift in ocean alone.
I live with intense neglect trauma & I always have the TV or music on to fill the space I'm in, or spend a lot of time on social media to escape the emptiness as a form of artificial connection.
Wow. I get it now. I always do this, too. I carry my phone with me always and have something playing on it, from sitcoms to self help videos to religious videos, to keep me company. I used to think it’s because I always want to be learning. But it’s actually because I don’t want to feel lonely. When the phone turns off, I realize just how lonely I am.
It's also a safe form of artificial connection because interacting with people can be awful & triggering. @@Ana-rb7ws
Same here. I have to have something on all the time when home and when i'm trying to sleep. I can't stand the silence, or where my thoughts go.
I've listened to ALOT of people in this space. I've listened to alot of your videos. You really understand what people are experiencing. You understand intricately with detail. I've learned ALOT from you. Thank you for these videos.
I feel the same.
any recovery methods you are using?
@@KunalKadu If I may answer here, too. I can recommend the Emotions Anonymous (EA) groups. Here I could learn the trust to open myself in depth to others. Because of the EA rule of not directly responding to what somebody says and the anonymity rule learning this confidence is easier than in the "real" world.
Also, the group produces an amazing healing power.
Last but not least the EA program taught me the - for me in this form easy to accept - concept of the "higher power", which gives me the biggest relief and confidence when thinking about the things that have gone wrong in my life.
As usual, I aced the list. Never do things half-way.
😅
Same! If I can't get 10/10 then why even try.
@bennycarter5249 that's me.
@@bennycarter5249 😂
It's a little bit relief that there's a reason for all weird feelings and stupid life mistakes
There is also trauma resulting from witnessing decades of abuse. Ie watching one parent being verbally, emotionally abusive to another for years and years. And receiving it as well. Being Parentified by the abused parent. Narcissism rampant in family members. And rage from unempowered siblings and parent. And on and on. Yes I know they’ve loved me the best way they could, and I’ve been healing for nearly 14 years, sober for 10 years, therapy etc. But wow. The consequences are brutal..far-reaching and undeniable. Feeling like you’ve spent your childhood in a minefield shows up physically, mentally, in one’s health, work, isolation, self identity and on and on.
With trauma, whether it’s little t or not… doesn’t matter. The results speak for themselves.
And Little t trauma in childhood leaves one wide open and vulnerable for experiencing big t trauma.
❤
Wow! Unrealistic self appraisal. I had both not feeling good enough and sometimes feeling superior.
Me too. Its a weird mix, and another thing to feel ashamed of
@@latasha9898true
I'm 68 and despite doing sessions with psychologists, etc. nobody has diagnosed childhood emotional neglect. Listening to this talk by Tim Flecher, I just went, WOW! I had " good" parents but had problems in my childhood, adolescent and adult life. Identified 100% with the symptoms Tim Fletcher listed. At 68, what to do now? Well, I suppose its never too late! Thank you Tim Fletcher.
Narcissists convince themselves, you, and everyone else that their unrealistic expectations of you are "reasonable" and that your reasonable expectations of them are "unrealistic". Every day is Opposite Day in the narcissist's world.
💯🎯
Its always backwards day.
Bizarro World.
But... up IS down... didn't you hear?
How about when a child constantly come to parents and is ignored and worse ridiculed, belittled and dismissed...that was my experience.
That is emotional abuse, bullying. Why do you think your parents decided to have children? How were they treated as children themselves?
@@sanataj yes,they had a hard time as kids and were young in wartime, i dont blame them, but they have made my life difficult
It sounds familiar. Neglecting a a child's needs is bad, but then when the child's requests for support are actively rejected by the parent, it adds another layer of pain on top of the pain of being neglected. Being rejected with belittling or criticism is even more of a betrayal, causing very deep harm to the children.
Yes, that was my experience as well
We just learn to disguise our heartache. When I meet people who are cold and judgemental now it appears obvious to me they are doing their best to hold it together, while frankly feeling miserable.
I have had a lot of big T trauma but I would say the little t trauma has had a lot deeper impact on me than anything else. This nails on why I struggle with the things I do and why I feel so stuck, no matter how hard I push myself. I had a feeling it had to do with my lack of connection. I have been praying specifically about how do I move forward from where I am now. Feels like I was supposed to see this video.
I use to cry when i heard roommates talking to their mom. I couldn't believe it! I always wanted a mom to talk to like that. I found others to mother me but not the same. Never bonded.
That’s because the ‘bonding’ window happens in a specific time in childhood- once that is gone then the job of parenting ourselves becomes our own. The trauma continues because we’re looking for someone else to do what only WE can do, which is be a good parent to the small version of ourselves that still lives inside us; when we behave as if that child within is not important and worth nurturing then we’re hurting ourselves all over again.
OMG this hurts. This hurts so bad. Based on everything she told me, this is my ex. I was dealing with my own brokenness, but her behavior confused and hurt me so badly. I don’t know that having this knowledge would have helped me do better at the time. But it at least is helping me view her with compassion. 🥺
I hope my ex can view me with the same compassion you speak of. I fear he hates me. I know I hurt him. It took me over a decade to understand why.
Healing is possible,i can confirm without a doubt...I now have the best relationship with God, myself,my parents,my job,collegues etc...its just so amazing....Thanks Mr. Tim Fletcher. God bless you.
You healed by only watching his videos? That would be amazing.
The shame in me has been in reverse. I thought people outside my family would like me and I did try for decades to initiate friendship. I only worked sort-term. I have been disrespected and dumped by everyone. Nobody wants to stay in touch with me. So it is not 'just' a fear. It is reality. I expected care, love, loyalty and acceptance. I got callous indifference and contempt. I am boring and needy and feel numb inside.
I wonder if the people you’ve reached out to outside your family are truly healthy, safe people, or if they have many of the same unhealthy thoughts & behaviors as some of your family members, and they can’t hide behind their mask for long. Tim’s Lift program is a real eye opener, so helpful & healing. Peace to you 🕊️
Most people are selfish. They put their own needs first, and when you have a deep rooted need for care and compassion, it's difficult to deal with.
thats not excuse for being a complete taker and rarely giving back, which is the point I was making. Society has become very narcissistic. A lot of selfishness I see around me, goes way beyond maintaining healthy boundaries. @@PostalDude97
Disgusted with a mother who denied everything she did with a lie and still claims that she loves me.
It is absolutely my pleasure to tell her I don't even like her and to shut up and leave me alone. So not sorry finally to tell her that she lies. It's that simple.
So sadly necessary to finally say I am sorry I was nice to her..
Doing my part
Dropping her like an unwanted child, bc that's that. thanks and yes I'm fiercely independent and dislike needing people. 1 out of ten surprise me.. help me with no condescension. Lovely .
Just lovely.
Loneliness is normal for me and I also connect with others easily and deeply but only in short doses with no expectations or hopes for anything more. More is an idol and I have no gluttony for more.
I can relate! Hang in there bcoz you're not alone
Peace be with you, Im a loner as well. So much for blood being thicker than water. She tells you she loves you only because likely she has herself convinced of that. That is what she thinks that is what you want to hear, but you know the truth. Youre OK and give yourself a hug.Youre at peace knowing the truth.
Read untethered soul by micheal singer
What about your family breaks down around 12 years old? I failed at school, and I was terrified in early childhood. Freezing when I was away from home . Bullied all the way throughout my life. Told that I had no place in the school system, then I couldn't keep a job, and then I got kicked out of home at 15. Alcohol and drugs were my safe place. I hated myself. I also married a narcissistic abusive man.I put myself between them and my kids. Now they blame me! I am 61 years old and have been in counselling for about 4 years now. I'm making progress, but looking after myself is still really hard. I'm even unsure about whether I'm trying to get into the presence of God 😢. So much more to say
I know, so true. The self care seems so...? Because we never had care. It sounds like you are safe now. I hope at least you have a pet? This vid really hit home, oh my gosh. I really think though that the second half of life has become more stable and beautiful. After all, we made it this far, it's time to enjoy the sunshine 🌞💛🌞
I feel what you're saying here & have had similar expereinces. I don't know you all, but I'm proud of all trauma survivors to take action to heal themselves, so keep up the good work. 💖
Me too, you will break through just hang in. It gets better. I’m on the other side still getting the healing . God will restore you. Praying for your restoration 🙏🏾
We heal by learning to love and value ourselves...we start over again in each moment...to heal with safe people and communities...we need the healthy connection...The journey is challenging ..yet once we are on it...we will always be aware to place energy in it ...even if we fall off the wagon..we get back on as soon as possible...
God loves you to be in His presence. Jesus paid the price for you ❤️
Yep, this has been my lifelong story. Thank God Jesus showed me His unconditional love. It has healed some deep wounds that no one else could heal. Definitely felt like I was dropped off from another planet and always felt like I was on the outside looking in(always suspected I have Asperger’s but now I’m wondering how much of that is true and how much is CPTSD).
This is me. Fully on point. It’s the reality of life. There is actually a name for this?!? Hmm, interesting.
I think the emotional neglect is tightly linked to interergenerational trauma. My parents didn't know how to deal with their own emotions, so they had no idea how to deal with mine (and my brothers). I think the (post) ww2 generation had to be strong and emotions could not be there. I'm still dealing with mental health problems and I the last years I now understand that it is because of the emotional neglect. Thanks to research aand people like you that make that knowledge available to us ❤
This is the answer.
I identified completely with everything on this video, it's amazing ... I'm tiered of feeling lost and helpless... without knowing for sure what can i do with my life ... But at least now i can pinpoint what was wrong, and that is very helpfull
Thanks Tim❤
My Mother had M.S and was bedridden and my father was a grumpy workaholic, my two siblings were a decade older than myself. I am 59 and I have no blame for my upbringing. Everyone did the best they could at the time…however I have Major depressive disorder and anxious delirium. Suicidal ideation since I was 17 and off and on episodes that take my life from me as I spend it in bed with little productivity. Your videos speak to me and my own experience on a deep level and I believe that you get me more than anyone ever has and I thank you so very much ❤
I want to give you a hug, Tim Fletcher. Thank you.
Im 46 and I never felt happinnes or connected it is so painful....the neglect was so deep that I dont feel my self....
@ronihalfon9720....I'm so sorry, hun, I know your pain. I want to share with you that there is someone so much better than our parents, and that's our Father God who says He will never leave us nor forsake us. AMEN🙌 I am SO thankful I have my Father God...LORD JESUS who died a torturous death for me. THAT IS UNCONDITIONAL LOVE that you never have to question.
This is so good to hear. It’s painful too. I’m in my mid 50’s and my kids are in their thirties and we are all under one roof again( thank you God) and I am seeing the generational effects play out in real time. Without Tim and this channel I don’t wanna think of how badly this could go. The growth in myself is noticed by them. They still think I’m crazy and won’t let me share this stuff with them but that’s ok. It only takes one person to affect the dynamics. So grateful to you Tim. Thank you that my children get a different version of me in their lifetime!!!❤🙏
Yes, I can't depend on others and I never want to be a burden! Yes, as a child I felt very lonely! Now I'm 73, still in good shape, and I don't depend on nobody because there is Nobody!⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
In Germany I have the feeling of Neglect T.; when I am in other countries I am a new person and I don't feel this german Neglect!
isn't it interesting ....we can still think there is nobody.....
I resonate with most of these characteristics of neglect, but importantly I learned that my mother and her older sister were on there own at 13 and 15 years old. So this family dysfunction becomes generational past down, my mom was from a wounded and neglected childhood herself.
We become enmeshed by the people we spend the most time with. My parents were stingy with there money and sadly it rubbed off onto us, a poor financial conscience always thinking you’re poorer than you really are.
Scarcity that wasn't really there, yes same
Well... Seems I have a little bit of "big T" trauma, and a lot of "little t" trauma. Thank you for the information 😊
I had terrible parents. No question. They were teenagers who hated me for ruining their party time. They tolerated my existence and did the bare minimum. Many of the above qualities are a match for me. My ACE score is 6 and I have other issues to deal with, but I have always felt like I don’t belong anywhere. Makes it hard to even hold a job. I’d love to cure this but I guess it’s life long therapy.
Thank you so much for this video. I have done a lot of therapy. A lot was CBT which did help and I benefitted from that. But the biggest changes came when I had a therapist who guided & nurtured me through all the emotional stuff. Life changing .
This trauma is the root of most of my devastations in my life and I wasn't able to realize it until recently.
The king is back with another video 🙏🏻🖤
I know right, I just discovered him and I resonate and really need to hear the depth of this topic more
He is a gift!! I found him two years ago and i have watched almost every video now.😁 lol.@@NE0Nwhip
thank you Mr. Fletcher for the enlightening information you provide thru this medium. You are the most compassionate and informative teacher on this subject today! God bless you!
Thank you for these explanations Tim, they truly are life saving. With regards to acknowledging the trauma, over here in the UK, although CPTSD has been recognised since 2019 we are still discouraged from facing the traumatic past. We are constantly told that we are creating a self defeating narrative by acknowledging it and we should find healthier ways of constructing our life story. I recognise that the goal of acknowledging the trauma is not to have an excuse to act badly or be cruel to ourselves and others but we are actively discouraged from taking this step. This, I feel, is a great disservice to the sufferers and the glacial rate of the uptake of CPTSD is a shame on the healing industry in my country. Bless you for helping the message break through!
Neglect trauma happens when a narcissist tricks you into getting married and then 4 weeks later withholds sex and affection and everything a woman needs
Some of us should not have gotten married or had kids at the time we did. But this gives a lot of hope!
HOMICIDAL Rage and SUICIDAL grief
consume every cell of my being.
BELOW ARE SIGNS OF A TRAUMA BONDED RELATIONSHIP,
THAT IS SURELY DESTINED TO END IN PAIN AND MISERY:
1. Your relationship is solely about the romantic pull
2. You don't like their friends
3. You spend too much time together
4. Your relationship feels one-sided
5. You feel controlled
6. You can't FULLY be yourself around them
7. You don't feel COMPLETELY accepted
8. You fight all the time
9. You don't trust each other
10. They're regularly mean to other people
11. They're passive aggressive
12. The timing isn't right
REMEMBER:
Some people will leave you, it's not the ending of your story,
it's just the ending of their role, in your story. ('Cause life goes on...)
Thank you Mr. Fletcher, I often watch and follow your input. I think one has also to consider, "repetitive, multiple traumatic experiences" experienced during a whole lifetime, accompanied with higher than normal stress levels amounts to as much impact as a severe Traumatic event.
This explains SO much!!!! My childhood makes sense through this lens.
I started to cry 5 minutes in, and I'm 59 yrs old.
All of the above and for a time i was high functioning. Now not so much. Overachiever when young and underachiever as an adult.
To be honesy I still cannot comprehend the term "emotional need"
0:30 little t trauma / of absence 3:40 chart .. ie secure attachment at every stage of life 5:16 emotional neglect 5:40 3 skills of the parent chart 9:06 Jonice book 10 Adult presentation - of Emotional neglect 1 feeling of emptiness
This is an absolute gem of a video, Tim. Thank you so much for caring enough to put this knowledge out there.
As a 26 year old male, I can relate to almost everything. My mom was a tyrant who physically abused me both in private and in front of others. She was extremely controlling and suffocated me, often by talking to me like I was an imbecile or guilt-tripping me over insignificant religious stuff. My dad was a pushover and had a tangible fear of her, wouldn't ever stand up for himself, and he was also indifferent towards me.
I think this gave me a strange mix of feelings: "I'm unimportant and unlovable by default, and I also don't have permission to be myself and form an identity."
I seriously wouldn't wish this type of trauma upon anyone.
Children deserve to be treated better, with much respect and dignity, even if they are imperfect.
I totally understand you. Its horrible not to experience real love as a child
I actually feel an obligation to nurture others and i m always disapointed and feel guilty of not achieving as much as i would have wanted
Me and my sisters all suffer from different types of childhood trauma but, each of us I hear in this presentation today 😢
Spooky. The entire 43:55 was SO true to my life. I love these Friday night talks, Tim knows the subject matter so well. It is so gratifying to have a compete stranger explain your life to you without ever seeing it. This channel has taught me so much about myself. 10/10 !
I felt great staying alone, and yet I was heavily neglected. Because the dynamics between the other membes of my family were upsetting to me.
I would say I was mostly neglected. Growing up we had a very unstable home, had my grandma and grandpa until i was like 9, then grandma moved across the US because grandpa kept cheating. He worked nights so i would only see him on his way to sleep, while my mom was rarely around unless she was drunk or high on bath salts and god knows what else. This is the only parental validation i ever got, my kom kept my dad in court to pay child support but it all just went straight to her addictions. Now that im older (graduated from college) i would say ive experienced several spirals of fear and shame to the point where i actually caught myself acting highly inconsiderate, rude and aggressive several times and ive burned bridges with most people ive met. Glad theres a resource like this channel to help process this, people dont seem to understand that a household plunged in psychological problems is not trauma-free, i live with such a lack of awareness of others feelings because i never felt validated my whole life and i guess came to accept i had to reflect that energy. I dont want to, i do live with feelings of shame and regret and in a lot of ways i do want revenge, but what i actually want and need is some understanding and support.
Wow! You actually know what you're talking about. I wish I watched this 10 years ago
I wish I had watched it 40 years ago. 🙂 The accuracy and completeness in describing my sufferings are outstanding.
I’ve never been able to put this into works. All of it resonates.
A wonderful and much needed look at neglect. Thank You ❤
Extremely helpful! I started crying 😢
I am just discovering your videos. They are all so fantastic. Your way of describing the effects trauma is nothing short of amazing.
I can pretty much relate to much of what you have said here Tim. Luckily I did realise the neglect and have had much therapy in my life to deal with it. Thank you for putting this together in a video.
What good is knowing all this especially late in the game. I was an orphan and NEVER was held by my burth mother...Therapy is so expensive!
Thank you, Tim. Happy New Year!
This answered every question I've ever had about why I am the way i am. Thank you for this information.
How are so wise on this subject Tim? I have guilt for feeling all the things you describe. I can't show emotions well. I love people but can't reach out. I can feel unhappy when I see happy families, good parents, and good grandparents. But I can't love myself because I feel such a failure in life. Like I've achieved little. I have a bible hope that keeps me going, but everything I want and need are in the future.
Thats a relief to have some Light over my life situtation.....i can relate to every point you mention....im 36and feel desesperate that nothing seem to work for me
I remember feeling so empty and sad and wounded as a child and wondering how could i feel that way when nothing too bad was happening..
Wow this is so amazing! Finally some information that helps you make sense of what you’re feeling and going through. Thank you so much for your teaching
This helped me a lot to understand myself better, although I have been analyzing my trauma outcomes already for a long time. Many thanks!
Wow…I resonated with this video so much
This is the most accurate description of what I have been going through thanks for the info 🎉
I’m so glad I found your channel a lot resonates with me. I’ve been doing counselling for several months now at 40 the effects on all areas of my life are massive . My parents didn’t have the tools and emotional intelligence to have children and passed on trauma. I look forward now journaling every day and know this is a journey. I do feel great sadness for the effects on my life I’m currently trying to heal myself and my own children but I’m willing to put in the work.
Thank you. 🙏
Can a person be both codependent and counter dependent?
Wow, this is amazing. I need help with this exact thing. Thx Tim
U are amazing....all of ur videos are amazing, i wish i could bring all the people on earth to ur channel
Thank you for what you do ❤❤
Excellent!! Thank you, sir!!
The "instinct to deny or minimize" that Tim talks about is a key factor in the dissociation and cognitive dissonance that emotional neglect causes. We have been taught to think that if we admit we were neglect, that equals having terrible parents. Truthfull, the two are not mutually exclusive. One does not equate the other. They exists separately. And the idea that parents may have preopogared or tried to encourage that "life is all good" is part of what caused the pain because it Denys the hurtful aspect s and experiences of growing up. We have to learn to acknowledge for lhrselves the painful parts of childhood. But aknowledgig the bad does NOT take away the good. Healthy, regulated people learn in childhood how to hold both the idea that things were good and at other times they were bad. Holding the And Possibility- instead of it having. To be one way or the other. In fact, this type of black and white thinking and catastrophizing that it must've been "all bad" - is in and of itself a hallmark of mental disorder and trauma... the inability to comprehend or hold grey areas. The kind wants to split and thin it was all one way or another. It seems obvious- but this type of thinking is often at the foundation of the distress and dysfunction behind trauma and emotional neglect- because it is so fundamental to our way of viewing thte world. Once we can open up and see that by accepting the bad, it doesn't mean we take away the good.. AND also, it doesn't mean that it wa small bad or that our parents were bad. Parents can do their best and children can still have not had needs met- both can exist at the same
Time. Realizing this is the beginning of unwinding the cognitive dissonance and distorted beliefs that underlie thought patterns for many with childhood trauma..
I agree… heart breaking consequences. I parented my divorced parents since I can remember. 🙂↔️ Thank goodness UA-cam recommended Tim’s channel. Loving his easy to understand approach & helpful advice. Watching you Tim from Perth Western Australia ❤
Thank you!
Unfortunately all 10 of these are me. Growing up in a Domestic V house I swore that no one would ever lay a hand on me. I kept that promise but spent my early life making very poor choices until I fell pregnant at 24. A single parent. My son was my saviour. He and my daughter are what kept me alive. They gave me a purpose. So, here I am now aged 55. A year ago my son announces he’s getting married. I become totally overwhelmed with emotion that he has achieved everything I could have wished for him, but I was stuck. I’ve done my job. I had raised 2 well adjusted children and only then admitted to myself that I had to confront my traumatic upbringing and admit I had depression. The 40 year suppression of my depression was necessary to deal with all of continuous dysfunction of extended family.
This education tells all...we all suffer and there's a way out....and so let the individual healing begin and watch the collective healing be birthed...Jesus renews the heartmind....Jesus is the healer...
Thank you for this. This is so me. I'm currently having therapy but how does someone join your programme?
Tim my sister and I were raised by narcissistic parent mother, everything you're saying about) about emotional neglect is me! II was the scape goat child. my sister was The Golden child. My brother and her were not as abused as badly. Only when I ran away. Everything you're saying is on point but,I'm so overly emotional and overly trusting I have so many emotions I have love compassion toward people and always have I overshare ,over love and everything every single thing you're saying is so right it's it's it's unbelievable but Itrust everyone and get taken advantage of soI often t want to know why I do that
Tim, What is the name of the lady you mention, yet still didn't give her name who counsel you or trained you?
Oh this is really sad for me. ❤❤❤ That was difficult to hear.❤❤❤ thank you ❤❤❤ awwww.
I didn't know about this. Now i understand myself better. But at 75 there's slim hope for much improvement. My goose is cooked.
Described me to a 't.' Many caring fathers may feel that one of their primary roles in meeting a child's needs is to set an example - to model strength, independence, determination, self-reliance, competence and self-confidence. I think this was true of my own father, who was a devoted family man and a constant, stable presence. I too believe in cultivating those character traits. But I can't say I really knew or understood my father, or how he felt about me. So much was lost.
Bingo! And thank you. 🙏
I only realised about two years ago in my 60s that I had trauma from emotional neglect. I have about 98% of the issues that Tim read out.
Life's hard but I'm stoic. Luckily my children had everything I didn't and are loved and they know it. I knew children had to be shown love, and as a child I wanted to have children to undo the wrongs that had been done to me. No cuddles, no kisses, no playing with my parents ever, never told I was loved, constantly criticized, shamed and scolded.
Trauma has affected my whole life, from relationships to work. I know I can't feel emotional. I almost never cry and if I do I cry alone. I feel shame and weak for having cried.
Being alone or with my children or fantastic friends is my solace. I don't want new people in my life, it's too exhausting.
thank you.🥺
I think you're an Angel
In my opinion neglect is worse than abuse, but I can only speak from my experience.
😢 This is sobering and insightful. How can I get the help I need here in Baltimore Maryland?
heh the worst is how you will give no compassion to yourself, but your parents no problem they have lots of excuses to have neglected you... It's such a hard hurdle to get past.
I was a burndern and a position. Lots of people abused me and when told my mother. She preferefed made me keep mu mouth shout and ignored me just to keep the peace with her family
I had a lot of neglect in my childhood. It seems to have fueled overeating, since I had a lack of care and sometimes food as a child. I've tried many diets and the only thing is worked has been intuitive eating. I think because my overeating stems from fear that it won't be there next time. Luckily I'm an adult with access to both welfare programs and food banks. In my country it's very unlikely I will starve and it's helped me relax.
Self compassion ❤
Some people consider neglect to be a big T trauma, with little t traumas being other things that are small events that happen on a personal level that might affect one person in a specific way that not everyone might understand. I've also heard that neglect is abusive. I am one of those and also think that neglect can be more severe in many ways than other types of active abuse. All abuse and neglect IS sad unhealthy and terrible, but neglect can sometimes also take on the additional tone that abuse doesn't and that's that it's essentially conveying to the person that they aren't even being seen or considered. It's as if their existence isn't even being acknowledged by the parent/caregiver.
Many people don't know that being ignored (even inadvertently) can set off the survival mechanisms in our brains and make us feel as if we've be left in the middle of nowhere alone. That abandonment feeling can also register in our bodies as physical pain. That all can be difficult enough for a healthy adult to deal in a difficult time in life, but to a child, it's terrifying and can make them feel like they are going to die, so if someone was wired that way due to childhood experiences, it can carry over into adulthood and it can cause a lot of problems.
I have every single one of those characteristics in all categories, seems I am textbook . I still suffer from it as an older never married female adult.
everything in this video is about me and im crying rn
So what do we do to move forward and overcome?
Mystifyingly different...exactly!