3 Surprising Hacks for Relational Success w/ Dr. John Delony | The Lila Rose Podcast E117
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- Опубліковано 11 лип 2024
- Today we welcome Dr. John Deloney, mental health expert and host of the Dr. John Delony Show, back to the podcast. After discussing how to build and rebuild marriages that last earlier this year, today we discuss how our culture suffers most from lack of meaningful relationships, how we can form a better relational culture by "being weird" and making the first move, the dangers of judging people based solely on their dating profile page, what real accountability looks like in friendships and much more.
Check out John's show here: / @thedrjohndelonyshow
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Timestamps:
00:00 - Episode Teaser
00:37 - Introduction
01:03 - Who is John Delony?
04:33 - The Problem with Modern Therapy
06:34 - Good Ranchers
07:20 - Fighting Back Against Victim Culture
12:20 - Encouraging Married Couples to Embrace Parenthood
15:08 - The Power of Community
20:38 - Finding Connection with Others
26:37 - Division and Individualism Within the Family
32:33 - Serving the Emotional and Spiritual Needs of the Community
35:44 - Seven Weeks Coffee
36:28 - The Importance of Physical Touch
43:41 - Resisting the Urge to Feel Like a Failure as a Parent
45:53 - Why Do I Feel Like I'm Not Enough?
52:05 - Holding Your Friends and Family Accountable for Their Actions
56:40 - Finding a Spouse
1:06:36 - Nimi Skincare
1:07:25 - Establishing Your Values When Dating
1:11:45 - Identifying Red Flags in Relationships
1:19:16 - Choosing to Love Even When It's Hard
1:20:20 - Hard vs. Abusive
1:26:01 - Putting in the Work to Improve Your Relationships
1:31:34 - Asking the Right Questions Before Pursuing a Relationship
1:40:41 - Everylife.com
1:41:23 - Where to Find John's Work
1:41:55 - Episode Outro
I’m so glad you had Dr. Delony back on!!! He’s the BEST!!! ❤
Agreed!!
Being weird has definitely helped me in social settings. I'm an outgoing senior in high school. I was just at this scholarship event where they had this dinner for the recipients. The recipients all went to smaller tables of maybe eight people in the dining room. When I signed in, they told me which table to go to, and so I went around to each fellow recipient at the table, introduced myself, shook his or her hand, and then went and took my seat and started talking with them. After some lively discussion, the one of the girls there looked at me and said "You know, I'm glad you came to this table, because before you arrived, we were all just sitting here for fifteen minutes in awkward silence."
That really took me aback for a second, but I guess that's just how most of my fellow Gen Zers operate. All I can say is, be that guy. Be the guy who breaks the awkward silence. Be the guy who says hi to the nerd who's off by himself in the corner. Be the guy that asks the girl out. Worse case scenario, you don't hit it off with whoever you're interacting with. And even that's better than not trying.
And by the way, I'm not saying be an extrovert. Technically speaking, I am an introvert, as I am most relaxed when I am alone. But even an introvert can have fun getting to know people. You can't live life completely by yourself.
Love this.
I’m three times your age and I did this but the constant ability to tune people out by being on social media has made it much more challenging for your age. Bravo that you are setting an example that this is still possible!
Haha, I've been told this before too a few times. While I do have some trauma from being weird my whole life, this suffering helped me learn things I probably wouldn't have if I was like everybody else. But of course, it could've gone in the other way too if I never forgave.
Oh my goodness. Imagine having high school and college being the highlight of your life... that sounds like hell on earth. 😄
Lovely convo. Also, dating apps suck generally. It turns finding a partner into a game, and people feel like they have endless options, so if they invest in someone, they feel they are missing out. It'd basically hitting the lottery to meet someone who aligns with you on what matters. Plus, married and committed people are on there looking to cheat. "Go out and be weird" is much better advice.
Yes I almost never hear anyone say dating apps are pleasant… they work for some but real life, in person, can be so much better when possible to meet someone
Totally understand what you’re saying, but I did meet the love of my life and now husband on a dating app. I almost missed him by deleting the app and thinking we were too different based on first impressions! But when I gave it another chance we ended up becoming best friends so quickly! I think the key is going beyond the superficial and looking for someone with shared faith and a shared vision for the future - like love for children, ability to sacrifice, and appreciation for your interests even if they are different from theirs.
I enjoy this talk show Lila, where is all my Millennial generation era at??? From 1982-1995. I was born in 1989 and made it to be 35.
I’m 31. Millennial generation started in 1980 to 1994. 1995 to 2009, is Gen Z. I’m a weird person, and I thank God I didn’t fit in the popular kids. Jesus love the outcasts. Whether it is a nerd, or a goth, He wants them. His heart, is after the ones who are broken. We’ll never know what The Holy Spirit is going to use them for His glory, and He’ll humble the prideful. I hope you are having a great day, and thank you for asking. May The Lord be with you.
@@HPTFanno 1996 is still millennial and 1997 gen z starts
@@saltandpepperandmint Go figure. :)
Q@@saltandpepperandmint
I think when they said that “we are way too picky about things that don’t matter” and “not picky enough about things that do matter” really nails it. Including in my own dating life, but even in my broader social circles, people are choosing partners based solely on the most superficial characteristics and just wave away fundamental values because, “I wish they were more into the same type of music as me,” or “I only date people who dress this way,” or “we need to have the same hobbies” or frankly unrealistic levels of physical attraction on the part of most men and women. It’s such a terrible basis to choose a partner.
That's probably true among a lot of people, but there are many women I know, including myself, who place much more emphasis on values and still have a difficult time (this approach leads to much longer periods of singleness, because the first hurdle is "do we share core values.") I think it's just a bad dating scene all around out there.
@@laimajo3547 I can understand that, and I definitely know women who have solid values that are struggling.
You may not be looking for advice, so you can take this with a grain of salt, but I think men and women who have good values tend not to crossover in communal spaces that much, or they look for one another in the wrong environments.
Number one, if you’re religious, actually show up to church. And it says something about someone if they can never seem to drag themselves in on Sunday morning.
For women, go to things that solid men actually like. Good guys are often geeks about something (golf, cars, motorcycles, rock climbing, woodworking, skydiving) so look for kind of neutral events that might cater to this and go with your girlfriends on a lark. I go to cars and coffee events as a guy all the time. All the dudes are put together and good looking, and sociable (obviously handy because they work on cars), and they’re almost all single. The ones that aren’t single have amazing relationships with really great women. Also, you need to keep going when you find a group you can relate to a little who has a solid group of men.
For men, trying out activities that are disproportionately female and getting to know the participants organically is a great idea. I do spin classes and two stepping lessons.
The common denominator for all these things is they aren’t bars or clubs or other events solely focused on alcohol and surface interactions. Generally speaking, guys and gals who base their whole life around bars and clubs (don’t get me wrong, I will go out with friends too), as shiny as they may be on the outside, are all style and no substance.
@evanbalch222 I've always had the church part covered, and I only show up to the bar scene rarely (and never expecting to find someone.) But yeah, the communal spaces and events are tough. My work schedule didn't allow much of that for quite a while, but now that I'm working more regular hours I can actually join classes and activities again. It's also difficult when you're in a very small town or community (which I also was at one point) and the choices in activities and dating partners are very limited or absent altogether. I had already planned on doing more activities again now that the opportunity exists, but it's good advice all the same. Thanks for the positive attitude, and I hope you have luck out there.
Yay! So glad you had him back on! Can’t wait to watch ! Lila you are killing it with the best guests
So glad you’re liking the episodes!
Update - another great conversation! I agree with Lila at the end - you and John are both great at holding an amazing discussion
I have followed Dr John for a while now and UA-cam suggested this video, lovely to meet you and Im looking forward to watching more of your content.
You have great guests! Thanks for this channel and everything you do! I love to share a lot of these episodes with family and friends. They are always so life giving. Thank you!
Ps. I am an Orthodox Christian and I love your pro-life movement
I love my 8 week old but honestly it does suck. It’s not easy. I feel like it’s gonna take me a while to get myself back so let’s just be honest here please .. it’s also tough when you’re constantly sleep deprived and no one helps
I've totally been there and hope you can find people to support you. The being alone part is what makes parenting a baby so hard, and you're not a bad mom for feeling that.
It is a lot of work to take care of babies then toddlers and then young kids. BUT one day they will grow up and be able to take care of themselves and that day will come quickly!!
Please, as difficult as it is at this time invest the time in your child because IT WILL benefit you and your child. As a mom and teacher, I encourage you to keep going. Thank you for your honesty .
We love our neighbor, she is 83 y.o. and we take care of each other. I love talking to her. We always give her something tasty I cooked from scratch or fresh produce from our gardens, eggs, flowers, plants, etc and she does the same. My husband helps fix her plumbing. I love the connection we have. Real life communication and giving, helping people is important for a happy life. We were lied that you have to do everything for yourself, put yourself on a pedestal and ignore other "toxic" people to be happy. It's a lie. We need meaningful connections.
I wish I had the friends he spoke so dearly of- I am so envious. I will take your advice.
Thank you Lila and Dr.D for all of your work and thank you for reminding me that I need to put more effort into building relationships within my community. ❤️
Loving solitude and having people to build real connection with are not mutually exclusive. I tend to forget that.
Besides that, what I find more difficult is to make friends with the same values and beliefs. Sometimes it is like yeah I like this person but them they believe in things that I don't like abortion, or their atheist, things like that
It's okay to keep some people in certain categories so long as they don't darken your life. You can maybe even lead by example. But do find the few people that can be almost anything. My wife is almost anything for me, but we don't argue economic policy (even though I get a kick out of doing that!)
Great episode! Still hoping you two will have a conversation aboit counseling women using some of John's calls about abortion as a starting point
oh my gosh! I just have to comment on the expectation that moms be negative about their position: I just had my second and he’s an absolute dream (my first was a bit harder in terms of sleeping and eating) so when people ask me how I’m doing I say “amazing!” And everyone , without fail, follows up with “really?? are you sure?” In some way or another. It’s so grating!
Another gen from Lila.
Thank you
Great podcast. I listen to John all the time
This was such a good one!! Enjoyed it! Made me realize to much! Thank you! ❤🙏😊
I have 5 kids, plus 2 in Heaven, and a lot of people in my country look at as if we are a pathology, including my own family member... But with homeschooling, and they all being at home, my life being so noisy, full of conflict and stress, I'd never opt out or choose differently or sth. I AM grateful to God, that He gave me so many treasures even though I am far from a perfect mother. My patience is tested constantly and I fail daily - but still - what a tremendous blessing.
Marriage too can be real hard, but I'd rather carry that cross and look at the bright side as often as I can than wish to be more "free" and lonely.
May God bless you both. 🙏🏼 We need more man like him in platforms to normalize this virtuous in men. A man that will sit down and think about his marriage too and how to make changes with his wife to make a marriage work.
❤❤❤🙏🏼🙏🏼🙏🏼🙏🏼
Thank you for this episode and for the podcast, Lila. God bless you and your family. 🙏🇻🇦
Beautiful new avatar! Thanks Lila! And interesting thumbnail! I think there's a fine line between being weird and being a weirdo. Hopefully I found it since I've been saying that I rather be weird than be an NPC. Happy to see your podcast pop up on my phone in the morning! Hope you and your family are having a light-filled peaceful joyful blessed Sacred Heart of Jesus month!
Amen!
June is the month of the Sacred Heart ❤️
I think "weird" could be associated with quirkiness and playfulness, while "weirdo" could be aligned more with creepiness and perhaps borders on predation.
So perhaps align your behaviour with the former traits rather than the latter, and you should be good!
@@olololo9224 Hope you and yours have a good week! God bless you.
@@ctrlbrwl Thanks for your reply! Hope you and yours have a nice day!
Loved this convo ❤
Great stuff. Thank you.
Awesome guest.
I wish I had been able to save my marriage. I spent 16 years and 4 kids trying to build something with someone who was not interested. Truthfully, I knew on day one that he was not ok. I was hurting and felt that I deserved a terrible life, and he certainly delivered that. Trust your instincts.
This was great!
This seems to boil down to, love others, as they are, without conditions, and life is about experiences.... with others. For the most important relationships, Spouse or children, never place conditions on love and showing love, which includes, especially, telling them the truth and being the truth, as imperfectly as you can.
The real reason to listen to John show is to hear what a wife who is being cheated on sounds like, the pain in someone’s voice when they fear their partner doesn’t love them anymore.
Knowing what damages misbehavior can do to people makes me strive to be a better husband and father.
Men and women have to take care of each others needs or fall victim to the consequences. Both need to give 100%. It's not 50 50
My two favorite people on UA-cam together!!
hey Lila! I loved this video, thank you so much for all your content. I want to ask you about the Focus Test you mentioned you did with your now husband!
I LOVE listening to Father Mike Schmitz on Hallow!!!
Lovely conversation and wish Dr. John had the chance to hash out his points more without so much interjection. Love Lila & this show!
I wish John had not been interrupted that much !
Agreed. It made it hard to follow.
Yay deloney!
Whelp, the picky convo was useless for me, and I'm sure it was for a lot of us singles. Most people I meet in person or on dating apps don't share my values. Unless anyone advises marrying someone you aren't the slightest bit romantically attracted to, I don't think most practicing Catholics are having issues because we're too picky.
Any advice on getting my husband on board with reaching out to our neighbors? He loves having coworkers, friends, family, and church friends over all the time! And we do! But he does not want to get to know our neighbors, because they "might be weird" or creepy, and "we don't know them, what if they're serial killers?" I understand where he's coming from... but how do I, as a Christian wife, gently influence him towards wanting to be in community with our actual neighbors, not just our church friends? I don't want to just act independently and just _bring_ them food or something without his assent, because he'll feel undermined... so I need to have him on board to reach out to them. Any tips on helping him "see the light" on "being a light" to our neighbors?
This was SUCH a great episode, I LOVE that you talk about all the hard stuff, like the difference between doing the _hard work_ with a spouse who's not perfect, vs actual abuse, and the fact that children NEED the physical touch of their mother constantly and _nothing else_ will suffice. Such good stuff.
In America there is a spirit of fear
So risky sounds “irresponsible “ not the positive and exciting life choice that it is….
Love to have a large messy family ❤️
Beautiful ❤️❤️❤️
It’s been so tough. In 2024 I lost a close childhood friend in a freak accident and my father in law was in a tragic car accident that resulted in severe injury to his arms/ losing his son in that car accident. I had a baby and my husband started his business. 2024 has been brutal
May GOD bless your family, Lila 🌹 🌹 🌹 !
Amen and amen. Jesus Christ of Nazareth..
0:21 That’s why you need to be married and start having children by the age of 25. Both men and women. Life doesn’t get better after school unless you are building your family in your early 20’s.
Girl I love your podcast but please stop cutting him off
So you’re saying cheese is important?
Absolutely!
I thought they were married actually