“The narcissist enters your life just in order to enter your mind, and then once he is in there he makes himself at home, he changes the furniture, he brands everything and marks territory and he is never out, not fully at least”. Exactly true.
Interesting. Two years ago, my narcissistic father finally passed away at the age of 91. I had agreed to be his caregiver, a situation I thought would’ve been 2-3 years but was actually 11-12 years. Dealing with him was difficult enough. What was far worse was dealing with the escalation of toxic family dynamics. Initially when he passed, I was just relieved. I had obligated myself to an impossible task but I had survived. But after about 6 months, I started to recall episodes of my childhood which included neglect and abuse (sexual, physical and emotional). It was like I finally felt safe to remember. Strange how the mind works. So 2 years after the fact, I’m still grieving. Not so much for the loss of a parent but more for the parent I never had and never will have, for the family I wished I had, for the loss of potential I never realized, and for damage I’ve left in my wake of being a broken person that came from a long line of broken people. I still haven’t cried. I think when I do, it’ll be an ugly cry. I just hope it will be the release I need. Thank you to anyone reading this. I think it was good to put my thoughts into words.
Thank you for sharing! You are not alone. I too lost my father age 94 about 5 years ago. I was his primary caregiver for the last 3 years of his life, 3 difficult years in a lifetime of abuse. I have been dealing with the 4 types of grief mentioned in the video. Recollection of childhood events and episodes seemingly happen at random. I do not mourn the passing of my father. I mourn the loss of a childhood and a life I should have had but never had because he took it all from me. I hope someday I will be free from him and then my tears finally will stop.
You must be incredibly strong to have survived that. Thank you for sharing this. It is in places like this, reading and sharing each other’s stories that healing begins to happen. Forgive when you’re ready, most of all forgive yourself for all that you went through and believe that you deserve a good life after everything you’ve been through and consciously start creating it. You deserve it 💝
"safe to remember"...I've recently discovered this space of safety. This is the space where, as an adult, I can finally honor the courage and thank my inner child's wisdom for pushing through it all. Without him, I wouldn't be here!
Thank you so much for sharing. As an offspring of 2 narcissistic parents, who nearly destroyed eachother and me, 'Piggy in the middle', I could not grieve. I felt a huge sense of relief ,and then fear that their spirits might haunt me!
My narcissistic ex husband passed away last August. It was by far the weirdest experience of my life. I'm in a very stable and happy marriage for almost 4 yrs now. And still the day after the Narc's funeral, which I attended by invitation from his current wife and to be with our adult children and grandchildren, I woke up crying and was asking myself why I wasn't enough for him. I eventually got a grip and realized, yet again, that I was, in fact, more than enough for him or anyone else, for that matter. A narcissist's death brings to the forefront previous behaviors caused by the abuse. But it can also help you to finally heal fully.
I loved the person I thought I knew. I was told I was the best thing that happened to him. I believed the best of this narcissist child/man because he actually really needed a loving mom throughout his lifetime. I was told I helped him be his best person at the height of his super wealthy career, without even understanding this. I now realize that is the role I played and that is why he sought me out - to take care of him - to help him achieve huge wealth and look sincere to his audience. I was young and had never heard the word narcissist. I had no idea how damaging these people are. One word of advice if you become aware you are with a narcissist.....'RUN'.
My narcissistic husband passed a year ago. I grieve what could have been, but he was so controlling and mean, that he never showed any love to me. We were married 33 years and after he died I found out all the underhanded things he did behind my back. I feel like I wasted so many of my good years on a lie. Just expressing my feelings.
Our narcissist mother died nearly three years ago, and we're still dealing with her "legacy" through the destruction of her children's relationships, her golden children's determination to destroy our father's legacy estate, and the "reality" she set up in so many people's minds. Yes, we grieve for what could have been.
I don't miss him, but I am going through some profound grieving. I am grieving my lost Innocence and my romantic nature. I am grieving the loss of what I thought were good memories, wish I now realize were all fake in terms of what I thought was mutual love. I did have some good times with him, and ended up living in a good place because of him. I also have met some beautiful people over the years. I do feel a sense of purposelessness right now, and have been regressing to some of my old numbing behaviors (food) . If I hear any negative comment coming from him from the nether worlds, I say "f*** you! Sometimes I say "I'm alive, you are ashes, I win!" A little black humor that I have shared with a couple of close friends who understand the whole situation. This is a tough one. I empathize with all of you out there. And I know many of you were abused even worse than I was. Don't give up on trying new things and interacting with new people. Take good care of your physical health. Envision yourselves already down the line enjoying some new things with new people. Work on manifesting it. Love to you all!
My narcissist hasn't actually died but this absolutely encapsulates how I have felt post-breakup. I felt like I was grieving a death as the man he presented himself as was a figment made up to bedazzle me. He no longer exists. I see the man walking around town on occasion with his new supply and he is not the man I fell in love with, he even physically looks different, his mannerisms are different, and his tastes in music, clothes, and friends - everything about him is different. So I have been grieving for my dead narcissist and this is exactly how I have been feeling. 💔
So timely. My narcissist ex died at 4am today. Refusing treatment, care, food, etc. had everyone frantically trying to keep him going. He’s at peace now but we all have to deal with our feelings. My concern is our son, whose childhood was stolen from him. My grief will have many faces.
It’s been five years since he died I still grieve and I find it so confusing, but you hit it home when you described the four people you grieve and it made me cry, I’ll never get closure for all he did to me
Thanks for sharing. My ex Narc partner died however before he died we did a tying up ends as I discarded and went no contact. I outlined his outrageous behaviour and he was saddened that he could never control me. He recalled vividly how I saw him on one occasion and said hello with no-follow up, apparently he was devastated and humiliated. On his deathbed i said the last sorry because I knew he couldn't hurt me again. On his deathbed he told me the fantasy life he planned for us yet could only muster a thanks for our ten year relationship. My grief was short, his funeral was filled with girlfiends and mistresses all crying. I just laughed that he had left a trail of female carnage. I did have flashbacks of our reckless life and my lack of boundaries but like all things it passes. To all grieving seek the closure you need and smile again.
You just describe (almost) how it was att my ex covert narc funeral which was at 28 March this week before. We where a couple for first 10 years - then I discard him. I was single for 4 years(he was not - of course) and then his mother died and he hoover me in for another time for about 2 years. I discard him again cause at that time I had educated me in NPD. That was for 2½ year ago but THIS time I also got NC at once and he tried to hoover me in odd things as he was doing but I could manage to get away this time. Then I really started to healing my self and even got at VERY good therapist which also had her own experience of NPD and also was educated in NPD. Lucky for me! So when he died - only 55 years old (I'm 63 years old) and he was lonely in his flat at the end of Februari in multiple and several organ failure it was a chock of course but guess what happen? His ex wife contacted me (we are friends since 2 decades) and his kids contact me too and asked me for help to make his funeral. Okey - I did that but only because his children asked me. When the funeral was at 28 March last week I was very welcome from his father , sister and relatives (and his children) but then: It was 4 women there as the family did not understand who they are/was. I can only tell You that I understand who they where - his latest mistress - and no-one of those know each other NOT even about me, that I was his ex at about 2½ years back-in-time and in whole 12 years and the only one who he has presented even to his family but they havn't been that. Well of course his ex-wife also - but not those women. Anyhow I can understand that those women get a chock everyone to see me and also the other mistress. I was not chocked cause I already expected such a "Tarantino film but LIVE" and also his kids But I managed to get me thru this funeral with dignity and style like "Grace Kelly in a Tarantino film" 😅 If I grief? No. I'm already healed since a couple of years back and I know that someday he will die and not so old either - he was living a hard life and as a famous professional musician.So ... I did his last performance worthy - for his kids only and they was very grateful for my job and to support them
**To Note: I was 45 years old, divorced after a 21 years marriage with two grown up boys and he was 38 years old and "singel"/divorced and already has 6 children with 3 different woman (2 kids in USA and 4 kids in Sweden) - when we met. And we has know each other since he was about 12 years .... but met as adults. Anyhow - I had already finished mourning him and that toxic relationship when he died. That was why I could do that favor to his grieving kids.
my Mother was a narcissist and ultimately, she tricked me into leaving her alone thinking she was fine and then she blew her brains out in my childhood bedroom knowing I would be the one to find her body - this was December 3 2016 and I still don't know how to stop being angry with her. Her last words to me were "I love you, you'll always be my baby" and she didn't want me to stay and sleep on the couch and we talked about what time to come back in the morning. She knew I couldn't drive at night so we had my husband come to get me and we left my car there and he and I came back the next day and surprise surprise...nice eh? I can't tell you how many times I have had those dialogues you speak of....there will never be any answers. It's crushing my soul....now I"m looking at it not from the perspective of her not loving me or wanting to be with me but something far worse. She always wanted to judge, demean, manipulate and control and in her deceitful end, she put me in a position where she will never have to deal with any resistance from me. We had so many plans after my Father passed, they had made plans so she could be well cared for and continue to have things in life to enjoy, she had plans and she knew I would be there to help her find her new normal....all for naught. She was always the one person who could hurt me the most and the one person who I never stopped hoping I could please in spite of everything I would have done anything for her. As long as she was alive I had hope we could have a normal healthy relationship. My life sucks now, I have money but my Father was a workaholic, my Mother an narcissist and my one sibling, who just walked away and left me to deal with everything in the house where two people lived for 60 yrs, has no interest in developing any kind of relationship and my husband of 30 yrs is emotionally stunted and totally non-nurturing and I never had any children so I often wonder why I am still here and sometimes wish I weren't. Sometimes I feel with a Father who didn't have time for me, with a Mother who I could never be good enough for, with a husband who is a brick wall and a sibling who doesn't care if I exist or not there really is no reason for me to and I"m basically just waiting for the end, whenever and however fate chooses to bring it because I have always said, even if I don't feel loved by the few people in my life, I would never do to them what she did to me. I wouldn't want to hurt them like that...but I guess you can't be hurt if you don't care deeply so perhaps I give them too much credit. Time will tell.
My heart goes out to you! I can relate to your situation on many levels! Especially the loneliness and feeling alone. I know you can help many people with your testimony! & You do have purpose! Maybe you can do what I did/doing, I found & joined a church after many years of isolation and deep loneliness, and now am being blessed to have genuine, loving people surround & love on me! They don't exactly know or understand what I've gone through, but they are kind and caring, and help me feel not so alone. I know you don't know me, but I care, wish you love and to tell you, you are enough! You've always been more than enough! Sending hugs!
If you have the money to do it, move somewhere and start a new life. Try to do as many new things as possible. Maybe leave your brick wall, but do not leave this earth!
Your mother did that to leave you in more pain. That’s the way narcissist work and think. I’m a BPD. Raised by a Narc mother. She threatens me with suicide all the time, she’ll say one day your going to come to my house and find me dead. I don’t take her serious. But, it’s shocking that some will actually do it. Just move on. Give it no emotion. It seems cold but it’s the best way to heal. You have to treat your Narc parents like an Ex. Much love.
I feel horrible for you i am so sorry you had to experience that horrific ending to your moms life its an unthinkable end to life and she was the one who pulled the trigger knowing that it would haunt the one who found her forever she managed a way to never get out of your mind or emotions she glued herself to you for the remainder of your own life and that's just selfish and evil, i hope you find the necessary strength you need to deal with this tragedy ❤❤❤ i am so sorry for the loss of your prior self❤
This video speaks about my grief for the family I grew up with, each and every one of the family had too many demons and as they pass away, I know I will see them no more. My father was the main one who created and brought in the demons, One by one the family was afflicted, and I was hated, tried, and tested...now I can see more clearly, how the demons took over. One more thing, my eldest sister of 2 years became a little narsacist at the age of 1-2 years when my father would go and steal her from my mother, and he would threaten my mother with an axe to kill her if she did not go back to him. My sister never had a real childhood and I could not understand her different behavior, although I suffered abandonment and neglect, I never had a childhood either. I am going through this grief which is the legacy left behind for me to sort out, and hand over to God..for I have been physically, emotionally, and spiritually wounded, and cannot function as a normal person.
I'm so glad you made this. I lost my narcissist a few days ago. I had blocked him a year ago, after his chaos got me to my breaking point and I finally walked away. He died alone of a seizure a week ago. You have managed to hit every nail on the head of what I am feeling, and this video is helping me make sense of the complicated feelings I have been feeling since he passed last week. Thank you 🙏
My narcistic mother died 6 or so years ago. All i felt was relief that the abuse would stop. She did get in a last few licks from the grave, but she had to face her judgement if she even went to heaven.
Beautifully put, Prof, thank you. Working through our grief for the dead narcissist, regardless of our relationship with him or her, is a profound and complex process. For me, it is as profound as working through our pain whilst they were alive. Many thanks as ever for your excellent content.
A teary-eyed thank you for sharing this message. I've been living with this ultra- soul shattering grief since my narcissistic friend died from an overdose in April. ( I didn't even know he was using drugs) I truly at times have felt I would go crazy from all the facets of narcissistic grief you described. Nothing can prepare you for the depth of intense pain and grief you go through. Thanks again for bringing light and clarity to this topic.
As with many others in the comments this is how I grieve my father parent. It's a little over 3 years, I was his and my schizophrenic sister's caregiver for 12 years. We all lived together. My sister died also 2 years ago. We were both victim's of his all engulfing abuse though I physically broke away for decades before returning to family enslavement. It was a nightmare. He died peacefully in his sleep. That is a sort of comfort to me as I was the designated scapegoat and took on much blame for dad's unhappinesses. So a peaceful demise was reprieve from blame and shame. The nasty introjects are still strong in me.
HOW A PERSON WHO LEAVES THIS EARTH KNOWING THEY TREATED THEIR WIFE & FAMILY OF A LIFETIME IN THAT MANNER ON LEAVING WELL THAT WAS THEIR OWN DOING IN LIFE HE MAYBE CONTROLLED US IN DEATH NEVER MY FINAL WORDS WOULD BE FINALLY AT PEACE !!
There is no such thing as never or always. It may be harder to deal with the death of a narcissist, but it is not impossible. There can be closure and acceptance too, even if it doesn't look like it would in other circumstances. All boils down to your willingness to deal with every aspect and to throw in a whole lot of forgiveness for having expectations in a relationship that didn't happen, what they did to you, and for you accepting it. When you can look deeper than the surface, you may realize that there was far more in play than you realized. In short, a relationship doesn't need two people for it to be healed and when you do your part, it won't have the same effect on your life anymore.
Thank you Sam, I am glad BP person do not have object constancy can not keep the introject of narcissist on the mind, immunity to this kind of infection.
The thought of my narcissistic parents dying doesn't seem nearly as bad as you make it sound. The amount of pain those people have caused me and the amount of time and opportunity they have stolen is immense. I've already reached the conclusion that they are incapable of change so I believe the grief for what could've been has already occurred. It's ok to hate people who have repeatedly and unapologetically wronged you. Just the idea that they are no longer capable of trying to reestablish contact with false promises of change is quite nice actually.
nothing but relief here when my horrible narcissistic self centred mother died and now my narcissistic father is dieting and I say good by to bad rubbish!
I agree with you and will feel great relief when both of my narcissist parents are gone . They have left nothing but tears and destruction . I can only think I will feel peace . Pure and quiet, peace .
Amazing deep information from the professor as usual. I am going 24/7 on his videos at the moment! So helpful to process everything to heal again and learn to be able to spot Cluster B's quicker next time. I am 53. Again none of this taught at school! In 2016 my brain got chewed up by a Borderline now this year it's be confused by dating a narcissistic empty vassal. She threw me for a couple of months working out how to have a relationship with someone who suffers Asperger's. This is workable but a Cluster B isn't & never will be alas.
Thanks for this . Both of my parents are overt Narcissists. This comes not from me but from a family counselor when our family was having issues in the 80s . My parents are in their 80s now and in a normal relationship I would probably move closer to help them but they would just try to destroy me and my wife’s relationship . They have tried in the past and because of this, they haven’t seen my wife in 3 years . Managing the care of my aging narc parents is exhausting . My sister moved away 5 years ago because she was done with them . They are so difficult .
When my narcisstic father finally died. I celebrated. I have been aware of some low feeling of what I thought was dread. Could it have been grief? I have never cried because I didn't feel sad enough to do so. My life has been so much better since his passing, more peaceful . I more grieved what I never had rather than the man himself.
My Narcissistic father is old and diving - Im so looking forward to never ever hearing his arrogant voice again - nothing but celebration here! He was an abusive control freak his entire life who knew what was best for everyone - but Im not so sure he ever knew what was best for himself.
The grief is NOT about the narc - good f&*&king riddance, thank you. The grief is about the lifetime wasted by them. My step-mother narc died a few years ago, and I celebrated. My concern was for my father, who was destroyed emotionally by this reptile posing as a human being. For 38 years. He's also a narc, but further down on the spectrum. I'm no contact with both of my parents and most of my step-people. I don't want my son to learn anything from them.
Thank you Prof Sam. I was looking for these thoughts since he died. It's going for 10 years and I still get nightmares. You also addressed consequences which aren't associated with narc abuse . Would love to enjoy a coffee with you. Jo Dovey, pretoria, South Africa
This is an honest approach to a narcissist death. Grieving 4 people makes a lot of sense. I have a lot of grief for myself. My dad died by suicide in 11/23 I wonder what you think of this situation, as a healing scapegoat, I feel I managed to detach myself quite reasonably from my father and his narcissistic ways. Or at least numb to it. My grief is debilitating at times. It feels as part of my body and not my mind. I think the work I did to heal myself before this death (EFT therapy) healed a lot of the trauma from my childhood. So now he is gone, I have the residue left to process. I feel sorry for my siblings and mum (they are exes or 15 year) as I don’t think they were already as detached myself
This is really not natural my mom my abuser is gone over 6 years yet she still haunts my mind and emotions on a daily basis my father whom she divorced when i was 10y old is passed on 3 years now but i have peace because he never made me doubt his love for me he protected me against her untill she seperated us and denied him custody over me but i grieve for the pain my mom inflicted on him and the responsibilities and burdens she put on me i am so angry at her but i can't stop making excuses for her i am stuck in a space i cant get out of i keep busy to drown out my thoughts but i get nothing done to because i feel numb and cant find a reason to succeed at anything anymore
I feast my eyes on the pictures of my dead father whenever I think he’s still alive and still out to get me. It reassures me that he’s dead. My revenge is daily on him, because now the enabler mother has been reduced to living in a shitty apartment with my malignant borderline bipolar sister that argues 24/7. She’s withering away and is suffering with her. I can help her, but I won’t….It’s the least I can do…
This one was puzzling to me. Then again, i went into things with knowhow of the lay of the land. Overall, I've come to learn that my ego is extraordinarily robust towards what i want to achieve as well. It seems like i "won" against my narcissist due to this, by maintaining boundaries and gray-rocking indirectly out of a strong desire for order and real progression. I didn't even know my strategy had an end result and a name! Safe to say, i got a ton of closure as well. Whatever comes next, will mean nothing to me now. But i suspect few get in prepared out of insanity, and get to over-run the narcissist as well.
Can you give insight into the inner thoughts and the approach avoidance behaviour of BPD girl after her first boyfriend and favorite person (Boyfriend had NPD and bipolar disorder, was also a marine) had committed suicide by hanging himself, the girl still refuses to believe that he's dead 4 years later and suspect that he faked his death despite having seen his dead body in the open casket funeral and only talks about his positive attributes never anything negative despite the relationship having been a very tumultuous one
I have found your theory of narcissism very enlightening. I wonder if you have any thoughts on narcissistic abuse from a family member or person with authority over the victim in a situation in which the victim had no obvious avenue of escape, or is dependent on the narcissist such as within an institution. I.e. teacher, parent, employer, etc. when a person is trapped by a narcissist in such a situation, what coping strategies are available?
I think I will get relief when that Stepmother / my dads wife passes on. I am pretty sure he sat back and let her verbally abuse me, too afraid to speak up. I deserve that relief, I went no contact in 2008, I'm ok
I experience this and I was not sure what was happening to me. I had to contact my GP I felt like I’d lost my child or a love one. I was having a nervous breakdown. My body was shaking and I felt at one point why am I crying non-stop as if my husband was actually dead and he still alive it’s like you’re stuck in a bubble fog, trying to understand what is actually happening when your body is on the severe attack from severe trauma
@@Scorpio200 I guess, talking and thinking helps to "tidy" your knowledge - but still doesn't provide the healing. I have been struggling with the topic for almost 3 years now and somehow feel that enough is enough. I don't want to fall into the abyss of obsessing with narcissists. In a way it would feed the connection. So, my conclusion is, either all that leads to therapy and an experienced therapist (such treatment is costly and I can't afford it) or accepting things as they are (i.e. admitting that I am forever stained and infected) but deciding to go on in spite of that - and not giving in. After all, narcissists focus on mind games, so no matter how miserable and damaged I feel, I have the power to say "get lost" and depart. Ok, I know I will carry their image in my mind but that shouldn't stop me from leaving.
@@b.blue111 amen I can completely agree .I'm going through the exact same thing it's been almost 3 years for me .finally got out of it a year ago and I'm just now blocking him no contact hoping it sticks this time it actually has to stick ! because the thought of ever going back to him I literally want to puke!! so the things I'm remembering were nothing but delusions in my own head of what it could have been. finally truly facing in my own heart. That it was all a lie from day one has been the hardest for me. this may sound shallow but I was never more attracted to another man in my whole life I'm 50 and I would get butterflies when I was with him I would sit just stare at him for hours thinking how gorgeous I thought he was . I deeply loved him like no other ive known .actually I was married for 21 years prior so the experience I had with the narcissist was not just a thing I had been divorced a year wen the lie ( him) found me I'm scarred for life and I've resolved to that fact .the healing process I believe is just time some get over it some never do but we move on and we know we're not going back so to ruminate is only hurting our self.. when I finally realized that if he did all the things tomorrow that I wished he would have done and he was truly totally changed ..I realized that the damage in myself was too deep I don't feel the same or look at him the same .even if I could I just don't so I know I'm healing I know he would never do the things required for me to even think about going back into that it's a no win! I had to finally chalk it up two that's another life getting duped at my age was another thing I had to heal from because I would think in our age group both people would have been completely serious I was and I knew myself .but what I learned is I was actually dealing with a 44-year-old man child that had the emotional maturity of about 16 with an enabling mother that has crippled him to the point that he will never emotionally be on a level to have anything meaningful... forgiveness of him and forgiveness of myself I found has really really helped my healing process in light years
@@Scorpio200 omg, my story is very similar, even the age and the enabling mother of my ex - we were in some sort of a triangle and I didn't know if or how I should get out. Finally, he started cheating on me; I guess he had done it earlier, too but this time it was very obvious. We separated but he kept hoovering me back and I spent another two years of my life going backwards and forwards; a total madhouse with his new gf and his narcissistic mother. At some stage I was sure my sanity was in great danger - and I knew I had to run. So, now I'm trying to come back to my senses and, as we said before, theoretically I understand the process but practically it is quite difficult to heal. Somebody said you heal by reclaiming yourself, not by wondering why they are such horrible people. Of course, a new love would help a lot but I'm afraid I'm still too damaged and very suspicious. Take good care of yourself, hugs to you. Good luck with your healing!
Why That night that I ever answer my phone? Out of the blue this man calls me and ask is this Lynn Adams I said why yes it is and he told me he got my number from someone else and then we started chatting for a year and a half he got worse and worse and worse and worse I Listened to him deteriorate for a year and a half… It was just somebody to talk to you why was that a mistake? Because he missed my mind up something fierce it’s taking me six months to try to get out of this deep fog and depression from his evilness
“The narcissist enters your life just in order to enter your mind, and then once he is in there he makes himself at home, he changes the furniture, he brands everything and marks territory and he is never out, not fully at least”. Exactly true.
I was wishing I was writing this part down as he was speaking. Thanks for doing it!
I really like your poetic take on narcissism Sam. Sui generis.
Interesting. Two years ago, my narcissistic father finally passed away at the age of 91. I had agreed to be his caregiver, a situation I thought would’ve been 2-3 years but was actually 11-12 years. Dealing with him was difficult enough. What was far worse was dealing with the escalation of toxic family dynamics. Initially when he passed, I was just relieved. I had obligated myself to an impossible task but I had survived. But after about 6 months, I started to recall episodes of my childhood which included neglect and abuse (sexual, physical and emotional). It was like I finally felt safe to remember. Strange how the mind works. So 2 years after the fact, I’m still grieving. Not so much for the loss of a parent but more for the parent I never had and never will have, for the family I wished I had, for the loss of potential I never realized, and for damage I’ve left in my wake of being a broken person that came from a long line of broken people. I still haven’t cried. I think when I do, it’ll be an ugly cry. I just hope it will be the release I need. Thank you to anyone reading this. I think it was good to put my thoughts into words.
Thank you for sharing! You are not alone. I too lost my father age 94 about 5 years ago. I was his primary caregiver for the last 3 years of his life, 3 difficult years in a lifetime of abuse. I have been dealing with the 4 types of grief mentioned in the video. Recollection of childhood events and episodes seemingly happen at random. I do not mourn the passing of my father. I mourn the loss of a childhood and a life I should have had but never had because he took it all from me. I hope someday I will be free from him and then my tears finally will stop.
You must be incredibly strong to have survived that. Thank you for sharing this. It is in places like this, reading and sharing each other’s stories that healing begins to happen. Forgive when you’re ready, most of all forgive yourself for all that you went through and believe that you deserve a good life after everything you’ve been through and consciously start creating it. You deserve it 💝
"safe to remember"...I've recently discovered this space of safety. This is the space where, as an adult, I can finally honor the courage and thank my inner child's wisdom for pushing through it all. Without him, I wouldn't be here!
Thank you so much for sharing. As an offspring of 2 narcissistic parents, who nearly destroyed eachother and me, 'Piggy in the
middle', I could not grieve. I felt a huge sense of relief ,and then fear
that their spirits might haunt me!
My abusive mother is 96. We thought she only had a short time left but the torment of her lingering on is unbearable.
My narcissistic ex husband passed away last August. It was by far the weirdest experience of my life. I'm in a very stable and happy marriage for almost 4 yrs now. And still the day after the Narc's funeral, which I attended by invitation from his current wife and to be with our adult children and grandchildren, I woke up crying and was asking myself why I wasn't enough for him. I eventually got a grip and realized, yet again, that I was, in fact, more than enough for him or anyone else, for that matter. A narcissist's death brings to the forefront previous behaviors caused by the abuse. But it can also help you to finally heal fully.
I felt relief when he passed but also loneliness, I feel I will never be able to trust, love again
I loved the person I thought I knew. I was told I was the best thing that happened to him. I believed the best of this narcissist child/man because he actually really needed a loving mom throughout his lifetime. I was told I helped him be his best person at the height of his super wealthy career, without even understanding this. I now realize that is the role I played and that is why he sought me out - to take care of him - to help him achieve huge wealth and look sincere to his audience. I was young and had never heard the word narcissist. I had no idea how damaging these people are. One word of advice if you become aware you are with a narcissist.....'RUN'.
My narcissistic husband passed a year ago. I grieve what could have been, but he was so controlling and mean, that he never showed any love to me. We were married 33 years and after he died I found out all the underhanded things he did behind my back. I feel like I wasted so many of my good years on a lie. Just expressing my feelings.
Glad you are finally free. ❤
Our narcissist mother died nearly three years ago, and we're still dealing with her "legacy" through the destruction of her children's relationships, her golden children's determination to destroy our father's legacy estate, and the "reality" she set up in so many people's minds. Yes, we grieve for what could have been.
What a sad, true, deep, precise video about this theme. Missing someone that could have been...
So true
I don't miss him, but I am going through some profound grieving. I am grieving my lost Innocence and my romantic nature. I am grieving the loss of what I thought were good memories, wish I now realize were all fake in terms of what I thought was mutual love. I did have some good times with him, and ended up living in a good place because of him. I also have met some beautiful people over the years. I do feel a sense of purposelessness right now, and have been regressing to some of my old numbing behaviors (food) . If I hear any negative comment coming from him from the nether worlds, I say "f*** you! Sometimes I say "I'm alive, you are ashes, I win!" A little black humor that I have shared with a couple of close friends who understand the whole situation. This is a tough one. I empathize with all of you out there. And I know many of you were abused even worse than I was. Don't give up on trying new things and interacting with new people. Take good care of your physical health. Envision yourselves already down the line enjoying some new things with new people. Work on manifesting it. Love to you all!
My narcissist hasn't actually died but this absolutely encapsulates how I have felt post-breakup. I felt like I was grieving a death as the man he presented himself as was a figment made up to bedazzle me. He no longer exists. I see the man walking around town on occasion with his new supply and he is not the man I fell in love with, he even physically looks different, his mannerisms are different, and his tastes in music, clothes, and friends - everything about him is different. So I have been grieving for my dead narcissist and this is exactly how I have been feeling. 💔
Can a soul tie be broken when the ex narcissist dies?
So timely. My narcissist ex died at 4am today. Refusing treatment, care, food, etc. had everyone frantically trying to keep him going. He’s at peace now but we all have to deal with our feelings. My concern is our son, whose childhood was stolen from him. My grief will have many faces.
Also: The utter loss of purpose.
It’s been five years since he died I still grieve and I find it so confusing, but you hit it home when you described the four people you grieve and it made me cry, I’ll never get closure for all he did to me
Thanks for sharing. My ex Narc partner died however before he died we did a tying up ends as I discarded and went no contact. I outlined his outrageous behaviour and he was saddened that he could never control me. He recalled vividly how I saw him on one occasion and said hello with no-follow up, apparently he was devastated and humiliated. On his deathbed i said the last sorry because I knew he couldn't hurt me again. On his deathbed he told me the fantasy life he planned for us yet could only muster a thanks for our ten year relationship. My grief was short, his funeral was filled with girlfiends and mistresses all crying. I just laughed that he had left a trail of female carnage. I did have flashbacks of our reckless life and my lack of boundaries but like all things it passes. To all grieving seek the closure you need and smile again.
You just describe (almost) how it was att my ex covert narc funeral which was at 28 March this week before.
We where a couple for first 10 years - then I discard him. I was single for 4 years(he was not - of course) and then his mother died and he hoover me in for another time for about 2 years. I discard him again cause at that time I had educated me in NPD. That was for 2½ year ago but THIS time I also got NC at once and he tried to hoover me in odd things as he was doing but I could manage to get away this time.
Then I really started to healing my self and even got at VERY good therapist which also had her own experience of NPD and also was educated in NPD. Lucky for me!
So when he died - only 55 years old (I'm 63 years old) and he was lonely in his flat at the end of Februari in multiple and several organ failure it was a chock of course but guess what happen?
His ex wife contacted me (we are friends since 2 decades) and his kids contact me too and asked me for help to make his funeral. Okey - I did that but only because his children asked me.
When the funeral was at 28 March last week I was very welcome from his father , sister and relatives (and his children) but then: It was 4 women there as the family did not understand who they are/was. I can only tell You that I understand who they where - his latest mistress - and no-one of those know each other NOT even about me, that I was his ex at about 2½ years back-in-time and in whole 12 years and the only one who he has presented even to his family but they havn't been that. Well of course his ex-wife also - but not those women. Anyhow I can understand that those women get a chock everyone to see me and also the other mistress. I was not chocked cause I already expected such a "Tarantino film but LIVE" and also his kids
But I managed to get me thru this funeral with dignity and style like "Grace Kelly in a Tarantino film" 😅
If I grief? No. I'm already healed since a couple of years back and I know that someday he will die and not so old either - he was living a hard life and as a famous professional musician.So ... I did his last performance worthy - for his kids only and they was very grateful for my job and to support them
**To Note: I was 45 years old, divorced after a 21 years marriage with two grown up boys and he was 38 years old and "singel"/divorced and already has 6 children with 3 different woman (2 kids in USA and 4 kids in Sweden) - when we met. And we has know each other since he was about 12 years .... but met as adults. Anyhow - I had already finished mourning him and that toxic relationship when he died.
That was why I could do that favor to his grieving kids.
my Mother was a narcissist and ultimately, she tricked me into leaving her alone thinking she was fine and then she blew her brains out in my childhood bedroom knowing I would be the one to find her body - this was December 3 2016 and I still don't know how to stop being angry with her. Her last words to me were "I love you, you'll always be my baby" and she didn't want me to stay and sleep on the couch and we talked about what time to come back in the morning. She knew I couldn't drive at night so we had my husband come to get me and we left my car there and he and I came back the next day and surprise surprise...nice eh? I can't tell you how many times I have had those dialogues you speak of....there will never be any answers. It's crushing my soul....now I"m looking at it not from the perspective of her not loving me or wanting to be with me but something far worse. She always wanted to judge, demean, manipulate and control and in her deceitful end, she put me in a position where she will never have to deal with any resistance from me. We had so many plans after my Father passed, they had made plans so she could be well cared for and continue to have things in life to enjoy, she had plans and she knew I would be there to help her find her new normal....all for naught. She was always the one person who could hurt me the most and the one person who I never stopped hoping I could please in spite of everything I would have done anything for her. As long as she was alive I had hope we could have a normal healthy relationship. My life sucks now, I have money but my Father was a workaholic, my Mother an narcissist and my one sibling, who just walked away and left me to deal with everything in the house where two people lived for 60 yrs, has no interest in developing any kind of relationship and my husband of 30 yrs is emotionally stunted and totally non-nurturing and I never had any children so I often wonder why I am still here and sometimes wish I weren't. Sometimes I feel with a Father who didn't have time for me, with a Mother who I could never be good enough for, with a husband who is a brick wall and a sibling who doesn't care if I exist or not there really is no reason for me to and I"m basically just waiting for the end, whenever and however fate chooses to bring it because I have always said, even if I don't feel loved by the few people in my life, I would never do to them what she did to me. I wouldn't want to hurt them like that...but I guess you can't be hurt if you don't care deeply so perhaps I give them too much credit. Time will tell.
My heart goes out to you! I can relate to your situation on many levels! Especially the loneliness and feeling alone. I know you can help many people with your testimony! & You do have purpose! Maybe you can do what I did/doing, I found & joined a church after many years of isolation and deep loneliness, and now am being blessed to have genuine, loving people surround & love on me! They don't exactly know or understand what I've gone through, but they are kind and caring, and help me feel not so alone. I know you don't know me, but I care, wish you love and to tell you, you are enough! You've always been more than enough! Sending hugs!
If you have the money to do it, move somewhere and start a new life. Try to do as many new things as possible. Maybe leave your brick wall, but do not leave this earth!
Your mother did that to leave you in more pain. That’s the way narcissist work and think. I’m a BPD. Raised by a Narc mother. She threatens me with suicide all the time, she’ll say one day your going to come to my house and find me dead. I don’t take her serious. But, it’s shocking that some will actually do it. Just move on. Give it no emotion. It seems cold but it’s the best way to heal. You have to treat your Narc parents like an Ex. Much love.
I feel horrible for you i am so sorry you had to experience that horrific ending to your moms life its an unthinkable end to life and she was the one who pulled the trigger knowing that it would haunt the one who found her forever she managed a way to never get out of your mind or emotions she glued herself to you for the remainder of your own life and that's just selfish and evil, i hope you find the necessary strength you need to deal with this tragedy ❤❤❤ i am so sorry for the loss of your prior self❤
This video speaks about my grief for the family I grew up with, each and every one of the family had too many demons and as they pass away, I know I will see them no more. My father was the main one who created and brought in the demons, One by one the family was afflicted, and I was hated, tried, and tested...now I can see more clearly, how the demons took over. One more thing, my eldest sister of 2 years became a little narsacist at the age of 1-2 years when my father would go and steal her from my mother, and he would threaten my mother with an axe to kill her if she did not go back to him. My sister never had a real childhood and I could not understand her different behavior, although I suffered abandonment and neglect, I never had a childhood either. I am going through this grief which is the legacy left behind for me to sort out, and hand over to God..for I have been physically, emotionally, and spiritually wounded, and cannot function as a normal person.
I'm so glad you made this. I lost my narcissist a few days ago. I had blocked him a year ago, after his chaos got me to my breaking point and I finally walked away. He died alone of a seizure a week ago. You have managed to hit every nail on the head of what I am feeling, and this video is helping me make sense of the complicated feelings I have been feeling since he passed last week. Thank you 🙏
We live in the Valley of Tears... Survivor.
My narcistic mother died 6 or so years ago. All i felt was relief that the abuse would stop. She did get in a last few licks from the grave, but she had to face her judgement if she even went to heaven.
I understand completely 👍❤️
Beautifully put, Prof, thank you. Working through our grief for the dead narcissist, regardless of our relationship with him or her, is a profound and complex process. For me, it is as profound as working through our pain whilst they were alive. Many thanks as ever for your excellent content.
They are a piece of shit do bye bye next
A teary-eyed thank you for sharing this message. I've been living with this ultra- soul shattering grief since my narcissistic friend died from an overdose in April. ( I didn't even know he was using drugs) I truly at times have felt I would go crazy from all the facets of narcissistic grief you described. Nothing can prepare you for the depth of intense pain and grief you go through. Thanks again for bringing light and clarity to this topic.
As with many others in the comments this is how I grieve my father parent. It's a little over 3 years, I was his and my schizophrenic sister's caregiver for 12 years. We all lived together. My sister died also 2 years ago. We were both victim's of his all engulfing abuse though I physically broke away for decades before returning to family enslavement. It was a nightmare. He died peacefully in his sleep. That is a sort of comfort to me as I was the designated scapegoat and took on much blame for dad's unhappinesses. So a peaceful demise was reprieve from blame and shame. The nasty introjects are still strong in me.
professor Vaknin thank you.
Thank you for your words.
Sam explained everything so well the complex nature of my grief but at least I have a better understanding of what is happening.😔
HOW A PERSON WHO LEAVES THIS EARTH KNOWING THEY TREATED THEIR WIFE & FAMILY OF A LIFETIME IN THAT MANNER ON LEAVING WELL THAT WAS THEIR OWN DOING IN LIFE HE MAYBE CONTROLLED US IN DEATH NEVER MY FINAL WORDS WOULD BE FINALLY AT PEACE !!
There is no such thing as never or always. It may be harder to deal with the death of a narcissist, but it is not impossible. There can be closure and acceptance too, even if it doesn't look like it would in other circumstances. All boils down to your willingness to deal with every aspect and to throw in a whole lot of forgiveness for having expectations in a relationship that didn't happen, what they did to you, and for you accepting it. When you can look deeper than the surface, you may realize that there was far more in play than you realized. In short, a relationship doesn't need two people for it to be healed and when you do your part, it won't have the same effect on your life anymore.
Watch the NA Healing playlist.
Thank you Professor, from Houston, TX.
Thank you Sam, I am glad BP person do not have object constancy can not keep the introject of narcissist on the mind, immunity to this kind of infection.
This video is saving my life today!
Thankyou for a very sensitive way of explaining the topic. It was very respectfull.
Greetings!!! From Tijuana, México…Thnaks! For your work, your amazing! Doc
The thought of my narcissistic parents dying doesn't seem nearly as bad as you make it sound. The amount of pain those people have caused me and the amount of time and opportunity they have stolen is immense. I've already reached the conclusion that they are incapable of change so I believe the grief for what could've been has already occurred. It's ok to hate people who have repeatedly and unapologetically wronged you. Just the idea that they are no longer capable of trying to reestablish contact with false promises of change is quite nice actually.
nothing but relief here when my horrible narcissistic self centred mother died and now my narcissistic father is dieting and I say good by to bad rubbish!
I agree with you and will feel great relief when both of my narcissist parents are gone . They have left nothing but tears and destruction . I can only think I will feel peace . Pure and quiet, peace .
What a sad truth Dr. Vaknin!!!
💡 OMG ! 🙏 you just framed something I needed to frame.
Of just lost my ex narc husband. It's a strange feeling.
Amazing deep information from the professor as usual. I am going 24/7 on his videos at the moment! So helpful to process everything to heal again and learn to be able to spot Cluster B's quicker next time. I am 53. Again none of this taught at school! In 2016 my brain got chewed up by a Borderline now this year it's be confused by dating a narcissistic empty vassal. She threw me for a couple of months working out how to have a relationship with someone who suffers Asperger's. This is workable but a Cluster B isn't & never will be alas.
Thanks for this . Both of my parents are overt Narcissists. This comes not from me but from a family counselor when our family was having issues in the 80s . My parents are in their 80s now and in a normal relationship I would probably move closer to help them but they would just try to destroy me and my wife’s relationship . They have tried in the past and because of this, they haven’t seen my wife in 3 years . Managing the care of my aging narc parents is exhausting . My sister moved away 5 years ago because she was done with them . They are so difficult .
When my narcisstic father finally died. I celebrated. I have been aware of some low feeling of what I thought was dread. Could it have been grief? I have never cried because I didn't feel sad enough to do so. My life has been so much better since his passing, more peaceful . I more grieved what I never had rather than the man himself.
My Narcissistic father is old and diving - Im so looking forward to never ever hearing his arrogant voice again - nothing but celebration here! He was an abusive control freak his entire life who knew what was best for everyone - but Im not so sure he ever knew what was best for himself.
The grief is NOT about the narc - good f&*&king riddance, thank you. The grief is about the lifetime wasted by them. My step-mother narc died a few years ago, and I celebrated. My concern was for my father, who was destroyed emotionally by this reptile posing as a human being. For 38 years. He's also a narc, but further down on the spectrum. I'm no contact with both of my parents and most of my step-people. I don't want my son to learn anything from them.
Thank you Prof Sam. I was looking for these thoughts since he died. It's going for 10 years and I still get nightmares.
You also addressed consequences which aren't associated with narc abuse . Would love to enjoy a coffee with you.
Jo Dovey, pretoria, South Africa
Thank you, Sam. I needed to hear this. I still have a lot to prepare for. Thank you.
True words. Thank you so much.❤️❤️❤️❤️
This is an honest approach to a narcissist death.
Grieving 4 people makes a lot of sense. I have a lot of grief for myself.
My dad died by suicide in 11/23
I wonder what you think of this situation, as a healing scapegoat, I feel I managed to detach myself quite reasonably from my father and his narcissistic ways. Or at least numb to it.
My grief is debilitating at times. It feels as part of my body and not my mind.
I think the work I did to heal myself before this death (EFT therapy) healed a lot of the trauma from my childhood. So now he is gone, I have the residue left to process. I feel sorry for my siblings and mum (they are exes or 15 year) as I don’t think they were already as detached myself
Thank you🙏
This is really not natural my mom my abuser is gone over 6 years yet she still haunts my mind and emotions on a daily basis my father whom she divorced when i was 10y old is passed on 3 years now but i have peace because he never made me doubt his love for me he protected me against her untill she seperated us and denied him custody over me but i grieve for the pain my mom inflicted on him and the responsibilities and burdens she put on me i am so angry at her but i can't stop making excuses for her i am stuck in a space i cant get out of i keep busy to drown out my thoughts but i get nothing done to because i feel numb and cant find a reason to succeed at anything anymore
😂that thumbnail brought a smile to my face
Best motivation video ever 😂
is there any relation between narcissistic abuse at a personal level to companies that exploit an area and leaves a disaster for others to clean up.
Thank you 🙏🏽
I feast my eyes on the pictures of my dead father whenever I think he’s still alive and still out to get me. It reassures me that he’s dead.
My revenge is daily on him, because now the enabler mother has been reduced to living in a shitty apartment with my malignant borderline bipolar sister that argues 24/7.
She’s withering away and is suffering with her.
I can help her, but I won’t….It’s the least I can do…
Love to hug you taught me so much xx thankful of your knowledge
Thank you Sam...So how do I STOP this grieving ?
Cheers 🥂
This one was puzzling to me. Then again, i went into things with knowhow of the lay of the land. Overall, I've come to learn that my ego is extraordinarily robust towards what i want to achieve as well. It seems like i "won" against my narcissist due to this, by maintaining boundaries and gray-rocking indirectly out of a strong desire for order and real progression. I didn't even know my strategy had an end result and a name! Safe to say, i got a ton of closure as well. Whatever comes next, will mean nothing to me now. But i suspect few get in prepared out of insanity, and get to over-run the narcissist as well.
Amen to that
Can you give insight into the inner thoughts and the approach avoidance behaviour of BPD girl after her first boyfriend and favorite person (Boyfriend had NPD and bipolar disorder, was also a marine) had committed suicide by hanging himself, the girl still refuses to believe that he's dead 4 years later and suspect that he faked his death despite having seen his dead body in the open casket funeral and only talks about his positive attributes never anything negative despite the relationship having been a very tumultuous one
so true
You got me with the Red wine…🍷
💃🏼
BooHoo ……Not…👋
14:41
I have found your theory of narcissism very enlightening. I wonder if you have any thoughts on narcissistic abuse from a family member or person with authority over the victim in a situation in which the victim had no obvious avenue of escape, or is dependent on the narcissist such as within an institution. I.e. teacher, parent, employer, etc. when a person is trapped by a narcissist in such a situation, what coping strategies are available?
I think I will get relief when that Stepmother / my dads wife passes on. I am pretty sure he sat back
and let her verbally abuse me, too afraid to speak up. I deserve that relief, I went no contact in 2008, I'm ok
The narc suddenly died after its free car was rejected......will- zero $
I experience this and I was not sure what was happening to me. I had to contact my GP I felt like I’d lost my child or a love one. I was having a nervous breakdown. My body was shaking and I felt at one point why am I crying non-stop as if my husband was actually dead and he still alive it’s like you’re stuck in a bubble fog, trying to understand what is actually happening when your body is on the severe attack from severe trauma
My narcissist died three years ago and I still have nightmares
Okay…now I realize why I feel so bad on multiple levels. So…is there a follow up video with steps about how to move on?
Watch the NA Healing playlist.
@ Thank you!
Intro was hard 😂
It's strange narcissists seem to live a LONG TIME! hahah
Only the good die young 😔
Ok then how do we heal ????
I want know it, too
@@b.blue111 I see all these videos on the effects of it but not the steps to heal I don't understand that maybe talking about it are the steps
@@Scorpio200 I guess, talking and thinking helps to "tidy" your knowledge - but still doesn't provide the healing. I have been struggling with the topic for almost 3 years now and somehow feel that enough is enough. I don't want to fall into the abyss of obsessing with narcissists. In a way it would feed the connection. So, my conclusion is, either all that leads to therapy and an experienced therapist (such treatment is costly and I can't afford it) or accepting things as they are (i.e. admitting that I am forever stained and infected) but deciding to go on in spite of that - and not giving in. After all, narcissists focus on mind games, so no matter how miserable and damaged I feel, I have the power to say "get lost" and depart. Ok, I know I will carry their image in my mind but that shouldn't stop me from leaving.
@@b.blue111 amen I can completely agree .I'm going through the exact same thing it's been almost 3 years for me .finally got out of it a year ago and I'm just now blocking him no contact hoping it sticks this time it actually has to stick ! because the thought of ever going back to him I literally want to puke!! so the things I'm remembering were nothing but delusions in my own head of what it could have been. finally truly facing in my own heart. That it was all a lie from day one has been the hardest for me. this may sound shallow but I was never more attracted to another man in my whole life I'm 50 and I would get butterflies when I was with him I would sit just stare at him for hours thinking how gorgeous I thought he was . I deeply loved him like no other ive known .actually I was married for 21 years prior so the experience I had with the narcissist was not just a thing I had been divorced a year wen the lie ( him) found me I'm scarred for life and I've resolved to that fact .the healing process I believe is just time some get over it some never do but we move on and we know we're not going back so to ruminate is only hurting our self.. when I finally realized that if he did all the things tomorrow that I wished he would have done and he was truly totally changed ..I realized that the damage in myself was too deep I don't feel the same or look at him the same .even if I could I just don't so I know I'm healing I know he would never do the things required for me to even think about going back into that it's a no win! I had to finally chalk it up two that's another life getting duped at my age was another thing I had to heal from because I would think in our age group both people would have been completely serious I was and I knew myself .but what I learned is I was actually dealing with a 44-year-old man child that had the emotional maturity of about 16 with an enabling mother that has crippled him to the point that he will never emotionally be on a level to have anything meaningful... forgiveness of him and forgiveness of myself I found has really really helped my healing process in light years
@@Scorpio200 omg, my story is very similar, even the age and the enabling mother of my ex - we were in some sort of a triangle and I didn't know if or how I should get out. Finally, he started cheating on me; I guess he had done it earlier, too but this time it was very obvious. We separated but he kept hoovering me back and I spent another two years of my life going backwards and forwards; a total madhouse with his new gf and his narcissistic mother. At some stage I was sure my sanity was in great danger - and I knew I had to run. So, now I'm trying to come back to my senses and, as we said before, theoretically I understand the process but practically it is quite difficult to heal. Somebody said you heal by reclaiming yourself, not by wondering why they are such horrible people. Of course, a new love would help a lot but I'm afraid I'm still too damaged and very suspicious. Take good care of yourself, hugs to you. Good luck with your healing!
Can I just ask Should you go to the funeral
This is a very incisive commentary. No one could have put it better.
Why That night that I ever answer my phone? Out of the blue this man calls me and ask is this Lynn Adams I said why yes it is and he told me he got my number from someone else and then we started chatting for a year and a half he got worse and worse and worse and worse I Listened to him deteriorate for a year and a half… It was just somebody to talk to you why was that a mistake? Because he missed my mind up something fierce it’s taking me six months to try to get out of this deep fog and depression from his evilness