I've spent years developing a distaste for emotionally unavailable men and friends. I've worked diligently on my self value and reframing childhood trauma (releasing the guilt and shame). Now my stomach actually turns when I discover I'm starting to invest in someone who isn't emotionally open and I RUN. It's not like they've let me in enough to hurt them.... I am my own Mama Bear. No one gets access to my heart unless they value healthy attachment and are skilled at emotional intelligence/connection. Because all of this indepth healing has made me relationship GOLD. My love is earned, not a free for all!!!
I know exactly how u feel, & felt,bc I’ve lived through the pain & suffering of attracting NARCISSISTS: cold hearted (no empathy), secretive, pathological liars who use/abuse their victims, parasitically(TAKING all they can get from u,but NEVER GIVING ANYTHING BACK TO U), then discard u -with ZERO REMORSE/guilt/shame,or simple pity/mercy 4 the horrific /inhuman way they treated u…& toss u away like a used tissue they used up & dont need anymore -after they’ve taken all u had/destroyed u…& then, like the ice-hearted cruel sociopaths they are, they leave u -just when u needed them most, & u so desperately need them 2 show u just a bit of kindness & respect f/them (compassion), & they just move on2 do the same thing they did2u 2 their next (new)victim. I am very proud of you, and you give me hope that things will get better 4me, and you inspire me 2 change my life 4 the better!!❤🎉😊
What an incredible quote, "when you're going through a breakup, you have to emphasise what you are gaining by not being with that person, and losing by being in a relationship with them"
My father was emotionally unavailable. I can remember 3 times during my childhood I got genuine, positive attention from him, (I'm 43 now), and I lived day to day wanting more and trying to get it from him. ALL I DO NOW is chase and give extreme value to emotional unavailable men and survive off the scraps of attention I get from them. It's such an extreme roller-coaster of highs and pain... it only ends when they do something so shockingly hurtful I have no choice but to give up. Which happened about a month ago, which led to me finding Matt on here. I feel like all these videos were made for me! They are mind and heart blowing. I'm learning and growing 🥲 Thank you for dedicating so much time to this subject it means so so much to all of us.
Same! In therapy and it’s helping so much! Took me too many years to realize I was finding the same person just in different bodies! There is healing! 🤍
Emotionally un-available is not just someone not wanting to commit. Also someone who is hurt or not able to be what you want because they have walls up and cant be open and vulnerable.
@@kumkumgohil6740its a double edge sword. It’s always what everyone else wants. And sometimes it’s better to just be to yourself and taking care of one’s own needs than to always have to give in to what everyone else wants.
Exactly, you can be in a committed relationship with someone who had closed their heart and does not know how or will not share their inner emotional world. It means they're blocking themselves and other people from their emotional truths and process.
Yes. An emotionally unavailable person is someone who ultimately cannot CONNECT with others on a deeper level. They cannot fully value the other person in front of them for whatever reason, which is why, yes, they can't commit. It can include narcissists and those who lack empathy as well as decent people who just have trauma or low self-esteem. Being emotionally available ultimately means you are capable of connecting with someone on an emotional level, which means you have some baseline sense of self-esteem, some ability to trust, some ability to relate and understand others (having at least decent EQ/emotional intelligence), some understanding of your own wants and needs and feelings, a desire to nurture the relationship, etc. Missing any of these components can make one emotionally unavailable. It's about so much more than just commitment because you can be in a relationship, or hell, even a marriage with someone emotionally unavailable, but it will feel very unfulfilling and the EU person is more likely to take than give in the relationship.
What the guy with the blonde hair and glasses said feels the most relevant to me. By choosing unavailable people, the sting of rejection is lessoned. We can easily say, "it's them, not me" without ever having to hold a mirror up to ourselves.
Either this or: those we really are attracted todo not chose us and we’re stuck with the leftovers… time and time again and we cannot bring ourselves to fall in love and chose those who would choose us, bc it feels like setting
Recently I’ve been developing the feeling that I would rather be alone. It’s so much easier and happier than having some else’s moods ruin things I want to do. I’m too scared of a relationship now but I think I will never be afraid of being alone again.
I agree I’m 38 and starting to value my solitude. Every time I try to date it’s a bunch of drama and confusion with the messed people out there. They tell you one thing and do the opposite and you’re left baffled. Idk what happened to normal but if this is the “new normal” I’d rather be alone with a few pets. I’m happier that way.
the ultimate mic drop came at 7:48, Audrey had explained that so well!! Then Matthew followed up with explaining the dynamic of always chasing that excitement and that rush, which is why we tend to chase after those unavailable to us, and believing their breadcrumbs of attention that we were able to obtain just eggs us on. Thank you for sharing this!!!
Emotionally unavailable people will committ even marry They are never Available emotionally but they do commit themselves to providing and showing they care just enough. They will breadcrumb you enuf you shrug and settle. Tell yourself they work hard to help support you, and then you settle for a relationship that is not nourished it is full of neglect and lonliness
Yes this happened to me too. It's painful to finally break free and to realise all the unhealthy patterns and gaslighting that happened over the years. And when a large part of that gaslighting was about me being the one who had problems with healthy attachment it's even harder to take an honest look at myself. I don't know what is true anymore sometimes. No matter what I did, if I asked for attention, drew back or tried to express my needs in a healthy way... it never made him capable of true connection. All the therapists who automatically tell you to look at yourself first, don't help either when you try to recover from emotional neglect and abuse. These videos help though, they have a way of talking about it without judging.
It is a very real thing to be in a committed relationship with an emotional unavailable person. They are with you but completely unable to a build an emotionally deep relationship. I am of an older generation & this a VERY real pattern.
Yes what is it about dismissive avoidant and emotional unavailable people that won't leave? I hear so many times that they will eventually leave but I was the one who had to make that choice for myself. Maybe it has to do with our Christian upbringing that my husband and I feel a lot of pressure for having to make it work no matter what the costs. I have now learned that God values my safety and wellbeing more than my marriage.
I label emotionally unavailable men as them not wanting to open up and be vulnerable. I’ve had men that want to be with me, but also with one foot out the door and not having the conversations.. kind of like a silent assumption. In a sense, I think I’ve been emotionally unavailable as well.
That is a great point about how we see movies about overcoming obstacles and differences for love and how that shapes how we approach relationships and go after wmotionally unavailable people!
That is so true thank you, it's like if you want to be with someone who doesnt want to be with you it's basically romanticising someone who's not involved
It also reflects an inclination towards self abandonment. Alarm bells should flash. No one loving themselves would find any logic in wanting to be with someone who doesn't want to with them. It makes no sense whatsoever
@@sunbeam9222 but I don't know, upon considering this we are approaching very close to the mystery of why people like and fall in love with each other in the first place, if it was as easy as only people who get together and stay together are healthy and sane, then how do we explain all the couples who get together and separate, or even like each other but never get together, it cannot be as simple as they are misguided or emotionally unhealed, there's something more going on
@@Nora-yv8op I think relationships especially romantic ones are here to make us more aware of ourselves. IT triggers our core wounds. And very often we will believe it's the other person doing this. It's not, the wound is here within, they just help us make it become visible. What becomes conscious. If we realise that and manage to handle it without blaming the other person we can grow together, but if the wounds come on too strong, and despite our best efforts we cannot handle it then we push the other person away. Thinking they are the problem. The wound goes dormant again. It's still within tho. So I think it depends on the intensity of the wound and it also depends on our level of awareness about it. All I know is no one is at fault in a relationship and even though it's hard to believe at times we're all already doing our best.
We try to recreate the environment we grew up in even when we know it was toxic. We’re drawn beyond our control. It’s Eros, the will to procreate. Take a line from Shakespeare “Get thee to a nunnery!” We may just have to learn to live alone.
That's true in some cases, but not always. Sometimes it's a scarcity mindset, low self-esteem or just the fear of loneliness that makes us settle for less than we deserve, irrespective of a bad or good childhood. Great quote, though. 😊
I agree with the part of childhood. Especially the early part. And for this reason I do a trauma therapy. With bodywork as one important part. Because our trauma is in our nervesystem and in the oldest part of our brain. So it is also important to make new experiences with boundaries and full contact - and keeping the contact, no matter what. Because often there was a break in the contact with the parents ( a lot of exemples . If you ask ) And in the end it's good to really know, that we will not die, if anybody leaves us ( evolution fear as a baby) But it's great to have boundaries, we need them, we are herd- animals! And our Nervesystem need that connection and the body- contact.
I want to add something. It can also be that your attachment style makes you inherently believe that you are not worth loving so you can’t recieve the love that they are giving. Being so scared that the natural moments of lesser connection are your fault, and then communicating boundaries is hard because of a big fear of rejection. It can then feel like your partner is emotionally unavailable, however maybe it is actually a sign that you are (or you both are). Doubt in a relationship is also a way to protect yourself from the pain of letting someone too close just to be rejected. Doubt does not automatically mean that they are not good for you. I think the effort and willingness to work on things together says a lot about the compatibility as well
Thank you so much for your advice. I'm young and not really looking for anyone right now but i love the idea of being prepared before i'm in the situation. "Why go into war learning how to use a gun?" Is something i always say, so I love the advice you give because it applies in other life relationships too! Thank you!
My definition of emotionally unavailable is: Not being able to relate to emotions, his or mine. Not being able to talk about feelings. Not being vulnerable. Not having empathy or compassion. Without these things, it feels like being in a relationship with a robot. Sex with an emotionally unavailable partner feels like being with a stranger. It's actually quite heartbreaking.
That's why I don't want to date anymore. I don't want this whole shit anymore. I prefer being alone over getting hurt by emotionally unavailable people. It broke me.
You have every right to feel this way, and hopefully you're working on your self-esteem and boundaries so you can better spot the signs of an emotionally unavailable person in the future and also not get invested too much until they have given enough signs (and verbal confirmation) that they are invested in being exclusive and being in a relationship with you. Maybe you can learn to trust yourself better. I know for me, I started to feel the same way dating men after being burned by a few EU people, but as I've worked on my boundaries, I recognized that I put these men on a pedestal and early on knew (on some level) that they weren't fully committed, but I was addicted to the validation and the hope that they would eventually "pick" me fully with enough time. Even though these relationships didn't work out, I know better now that I can trust my gut (because there were some signs early on), and also trust myself not to give so much leash to time wasters like these guys. And ultimately I don't want to feel like a victim. Some people suck, but I also was being an ahole to myself by letting others take advantage. Good luck out there. I hope you don't become closed off forever, but you're not alone in your feelings.
The other day i met a guy I could talk with SO easily. He understood the most trivial comment i made, and he showed it by the way he replied with so much resonance. And he seemed interested too because he kept making conversation. I loved it. I thought this is exactly what I‘ve been missing. I thought I just met the guy I have been dreaming of all my life. But in the end, it was a case of what you yourself call „putting too much weight on just one thing you care about“ and forgetting many other things that matter equally, but which this person can‘t give you. Turned out the guy seems to be emotionally unavailable. Not replying, not answering my questions. Somehow, I was blinded by experiencing one thing I had been missing for so long.
Another insightful video. A BIG thank you to the 4Love Musketeers! And, I would like to share a little acnedote of my own to drive the point home. I was crying myself to sleep after my husband of 20 years walked out. The TV was on and I heard this line from the movie “the Perks of Being a Wallflower” which changed my life… “We accept the love we think we deserve.” WE have more power than we believe. We cannot control how others treat us but it’s our choice to accept their behaviour or not. I made a decision right there and then that I would give myself all the love, kindness and nurturing that I need and deserve. Why would I expect anyone else to love me if I don’t love myself? So, be brave to stand alone when necessary because solitude gives you the gift of knowing yourself to the core and truly loving your own presence. 💕
I think emotionally unavailable means someone that doesn’t have a deep relationship with you. They don’t open up about their lives, you don’t know what makes them tick really and you find that they know way more about you than you know about them. They won’t talk about sex: what they like or what you like. If you try to bring up, say, “was it hard to move to this country as a teen not knowing the language?” Or “weee you close with your deceased mom?” Or “I’d really enjoy it if we could slow things down somewhat when we have sex. Maybe kiss?” Or idk. And they will respond by not texting for a couple weeks or if in person, one word answers or shrugs. This is emotionally unavailable. Think like a negative EQ score raised in a macho atmosphere.
In my experience men keep pretending to be available. I have firm boundaries- date to marry, no hookups, etc. Last guy that pursued me said he dates to marry as well. Everything was going great, he even introduced me to his friends and family as his future wife. Then suddenly he went cold so I asked him what happened and he said he’s not ready for anything serious right now. Huh?!?!? Then why did he get his family and friends involved? It feels like the rug keeps being pulled from under me.
Same happened with me. They are good actors! It's very important to verify it someway if they are really ready or they're bluffing to get you into the commitment.
I think it’s because we fall in love too fast so when we discover that they are unavailable we put excuses for not leaving. He have hope. But also it’s possible to learn from the experience.
I find they are pretty easy to spot early on these days. And unfortunately the older you get the more the entire dating pool is these people. I went out with 4 people recently on dating apps and 3 out of 4 were the noncommittal types. Its very prevalent
Interesting, I have had a traumatic childhood with parents who were both emotionally immature and unavailable. I have always chosen the 'bad' boy, it's what feels comfortable, it's what I know. I dated a couple of guys who would have given me the world and I had no idea how to 'deal' with this. I can give love in bucket loads, but receiving it is another matter, even though I seem to long it. So my question is simply, is it actually me that's emotionally unavailable 🙃 x
Hi there Matthew, this is Carla from Munich :) No idea if this the way people get to ask you questions, but I might as well just try: It seems that I have lost my spark! At this point I am 31 years old and I had several quite long relationships with men throughout my 20s. Ever since I can recall, problems in my relationships only started to arise after quite some time. Relationships failed, but getting into them in the first place was never an issue. Men always seemed to chase me like crazy in the first stages of dating, I never had any trouble getting with the guys I wanted to get with and I never question my desirablility (I know, that might sound cocky but believe me, I have loads of other areas where I struggle with my self esteem to make up for it haha) By this day, I have been single for almost three years now and the wind seems to have changed: I have gone out with plenty of guys during that time and I got rejected over and over and over again...even by men who might not fall into the category of guys who drown in female attention. Something is completely off. I do not think it has anything to do with my visuals since I still get invited on first dates and usually guys seem to really dig me and give me lots of compliments when going out for the first time. But some weird vibe seems to be creeping in on the 2nd, 3rd, 4th or 5th date with a guy... during these early stages of dating I can feel them pulling away more and more with their interest in me slowly dying. The only difference I can identify for myself compared to dating in my 20s is a shift in my mindset, I feel like I start obsessing over guys more than I used to and with each man who seems moderately attractive I feel the urge to lock him down since I just want to get it done, not be disappointed again, not get my hopes up and have them die down again. I want to start a life with a man and maybe I am becoming impatient - I am trying to hide the desperate label well but my suspicion is that guys sense it like dogs smell sausage and run for the hills without even being sure why themselves. Also I feel like leaning back into my feminine, just chilling out and being receiving does not seem to be my natural state any more these days. For example: On dates, when the waiter comes and it is time to pay, I feel the urge to jump the gun and scream: "We'll split the bill!", before the guy can even offer to pay for the both of us. When a guy offers to walk me home, I refuse the offer. It is almost as if I would feel that I do not deserve to be taken care of and I want to lower the effort for the guy, hoping he'll buy at a lower price (which I know, is exactly the wrong approach) So how do I get into the position of perceiving myself as the price again? Especially after being rejected so many times in a row, 4 to be precise? My self esteem is somewhere below room temperature and I am stuck in an unhealthy pattern of feeling and thinking. Please, help!!! Thank you so much for your great work, keep it up! What you do is of so much value to so many people and you seem extra kind. X, Carla
Takes a lot of guts to say it as it is Carla. I'm 31 too so a similar stage of life, wanting to settle down. I wish you loads of luck & firstly, hope Matt answers you!
You sound lovely. If you try a dating agency. If guys pay to be introduced rather than an app, they should be focussed and invested. Worked for me at much older than you
Sometimes you don’t know you’ve attracted an unavailable man until it’s too late. He hasn’t revealed to you his full past until after you really start to emotionally connect, and by then, your hooked 🤦🏼♀️
WOW... THIS is what the problem with my relationship has been @8:32. I want a Peaceful stable relationship, and she is push/pull because she values excitement and feelings more than anything. 😮
It’s true that it seems as though we see love as a prize you chase after, instead of what you are going to build together as a couple. But that’s not something we do consciously. She gets it when she says we are trying to close a loop. The thing that we think will close the loop is the prize he‘s referring to. That prize is the love you never felt you got growing up. The love you were chasing after but never got is what keeps you going after the emotionally unavailable guy, unconsciously trying to close that loop that you were unable to close as a child, and which was so painful because it meant you felt unloved, unseen, alone. If only you could manage to make him love you and see you, then that painful never-ending story may have an end. A happy end.
You ignored the most important opinion. The opinion of the blonde guy. It's we that are afraid of real exposure, real intimacy, getting our walls down, truly commit. That was the MOST on point state about choosing an unavailable partner. But again you see a person, have two glances, or dance without literally knowing nothing about his availability or unavailability and you feel things. That is PURE LUCK. And it's a factor that is never mentioned...
I agree! But I think, it's not a luck or bad luck to run into them (? I'm not native speaker) I believe, I am sure, that we have an sensor for these guys. We ( me too) are so afraid of full contact, to be seen. We take those, who are not comming closer. So we are "safe" not to be seen. Because we think, we are not great enough. Only unconsciously. I do a Trauma Therapie. Because I had enough of it🙃😆
Personally i know my worth but of course when you are alone for a great amount of time and feel something you start hoping, dreaming and in the end get attached. It's humane when you are in dessert and throw you a bottle of water, you won't just take a sip... For me it's because nothing better got my way. I wouldn't let go someone who is great AND feel attracted to him. I do believe in luck very much and in everything. It's the timing, the place, the person. Some people happened to have great first relationships. I don't believe that they had all their issues solved and for that they got the jackpot. I did more than a year psychotherapy but i disagree in many things that they preach. Mostly that you don't need external love and the lack of acknowledgement of the importance of occasions - luck.
Ok, I’m a guy, but what you say has made me realise the way this woman at work may view me/her. Basically it’s pretty obvious she’s interested but both of us are too awkward to do anything about it. She may think I’m ‘unavailable’. I need to do something about it 😭
Bruh! I'm a high school pass out and I seem to get attracted to people who don't value me much or unavailable men, I am looking out for a relationship and I've never been into a relationship so it's a bit tough for me, Thankyou for this video❤ Matthew.
YESSSS so me ! I hate that about myself and I keep doing it over and over 😢 And that’s exactly it. I will go on some dates and then I’ll go back to my ex because I can’t find anybody else that I like and I have that chemistry with him already. My definition of emotionally unavailable is not being able to talk about the relationship and what’s going on - ex: their behavior And having a addiction & the person cannot tell you how they feel when they’re sober only when they’re drunk
It's quite hard for me because people see me as insecure due to previous self harm scars or that I try to hide them with pretty tattoos. My personality is so much more than how I look but it's hard to find a man that sees this or wants to make an effort to try and slowly see my heart.
A good clarifier would be what exactly counts as emotionally unavailable because like the person asked; this term gets thrown around a lot in addition to other popular diagnoses in therapy.
Thank you so much ❤. I always attract unavailable, emotionally or people who are already engaged or interested in other women😢I am just so sick of being underappreciated in my work and and my personal life
When I say emotionally unavailable I am not talking about commitment. My current partner says their committed. He has said he doesnt want anyone else. For me, it means not being able to express that love or commitment or talk about the relationship or talk about relationship goals or even just how are we doing on a weekly or monthly basis. Are we working towards what we want to be accomplishing as a couple? If not, is something better possible?
And sometimes it's simply great sex and romance with a very attractive person. We know we "are not supposed to" be with them and they can potentialy hurt us, but we still prefer to experience being around them. Yes, a lot of times these are people who have a lot of choices and a lot of partners and they don't feel the need to commit. A lot of us still prefer to date them instead of a person that is "safer and more stable ". 😉 The ideal situation would be of course someone who is a bit of both. But that is not easy to come across.
What about men who are in committed relationships but emotionally unavailable? Like you can’t connect with them. Things are pretty surface level. Lacking intimacy and depth
I think the bigger problem is that I am attracted to emotionally unavailable and distant rather than the fact that I keep attracting them. As soon as a guy shows too much interest in me I get turned off… idk what’s wrong with me?? Why am I like this? Why do I get turned off by the guy who truly values me but the guy that is nonchalant is the one I want 😭
Hi Matthew and team, any chance you will be doing a retreat in the UK? I have wanted to go to one of your retreats for years but I want to be there in person. X
I always viewed emotionally unavailable to mean not willing ready or able to connect with themselves or others on an emotional level. That’s all. The commitment thing could be a side effect tho. For sure
That's a really good way of putting it. They are emotionally unavailable to themselves, and as a by-product, emotionally unavailable to others. They have low EQ. As a result, they tend to be non-committal, but they can often wind up in long-term relationships and marriages, but those relationships inevitably suffer until one or both parties want out.
I’m in and on and off again FWB situation with an unavailable man. I was just reflecting two days ago about what your question was.. is it just unavailable to me or is it something deeper in him when he says I’m emotionally unavailable?
Dr. Bruce Lipton says 85 percent of people didn't experience self-love or self-acceptance, because their parents didn't teach them self-love and confidence at age 0 - 7...The first 7 years are the most important for child's brain to save the most important subconscious programs, that they use in adulthood. The subconscious programs work exactly the same as the computer program. So it means the guys also were taught to be tough and not experience some artistic philosophies or whatever, that inspire them.
My story not about men, but about friends. I used to have really lovely friends, but as time passed, I cannot seem to maintain the friendship and I now kinda attract people who are just so off-vibe and quite emotionally neglecting. I just don’t know what to do, I even had my tarot reading session, and then the tarot reader told me that I was somehow destined to be a mediator and therefore cannot have a deep and genuine connection with people as I hope???????? Tbh it is truly devastating
She’s probably just wanting someone to hook up with people without the commitment and vulnerability. Which is stupid. You truly can’t have sex with someone without forming a bond together. And those who are emotionally unavailable are just using people for their physical needs. It’s selfish.
They might commit, but never give you the access to their inside mind. (to their actual feelings). Or they say they are committing, but in secret are not.
Hey Leticia ❤ you can book a free consultation call with our lovely Retreat Specialists at MHRetreat.com and they’ll give you all the details 😊 -Bianca, MH Team
Hey Matthew, I'm currently seeing a man and I think he's very interested in going forward with our thing, but I don't know how to tell him I want to see other people and take a break... I would love a video about these situations..🙏🙏🙏
I've spent years developing a distaste for emotionally unavailable men and friends. I've worked diligently on my self value and reframing childhood trauma (releasing the guilt and shame). Now my stomach actually turns when I discover I'm starting to invest in someone who isn't emotionally open and I RUN. It's not like they've let me in enough to hurt them.... I am my own Mama Bear. No one gets access to my heart unless they value healthy attachment and are skilled at emotional intelligence/connection. Because all of this indepth healing has made me relationship GOLD. My love is earned, not a free for all!!!
I know exactly how u feel, & felt,bc I’ve lived through the pain & suffering of attracting NARCISSISTS: cold hearted (no empathy), secretive, pathological liars who use/abuse their victims, parasitically(TAKING all they can get from u,but NEVER GIVING ANYTHING BACK TO U), then discard u -with ZERO REMORSE/guilt/shame,or simple pity/mercy 4 the horrific /inhuman way they treated u…& toss u away like a used tissue they used up & dont need anymore -after they’ve taken all u had/destroyed u…& then, like the ice-hearted cruel sociopaths they are, they leave u -just when u needed them most, & u so desperately need them 2 show u just a bit of kindness & respect f/them (compassion), & they just move on2 do the same thing they did2u 2 their next (new)victim.
I am very proud of you, and you give me hope that things will get better 4me, and you inspire me 2 change my life 4 the better!!❤🎉😊
I love this 🥲
Same here.
Fingers crossed I be like you soon 🙏🏻
LOvE this!!
What an incredible quote, "when you're going through a breakup, you have to emphasise what you are gaining by not being with that person, and losing by being in a relationship with them"
My father was emotionally unavailable. I can remember 3 times during my childhood I got genuine, positive attention from him, (I'm 43 now), and I lived day to day wanting more and trying to get it from him.
ALL I DO NOW is chase and give extreme value to emotional unavailable men and survive off the scraps of attention I get from them. It's such an extreme roller-coaster of highs and pain... it only ends when they do something so shockingly hurtful I have no choice but to give up. Which happened about a month ago, which led to me finding Matt on here. I feel like all these videos were made for me! They are mind and heart blowing. I'm learning and growing 🥲
Thank you for dedicating so much time to this subject it means so so much to all of us.
I can very much relate - been going through the same thing my whole life. We will manage to get out of this!
Same here. Hard to fight it, although wr are aware of it
Same! In therapy and it’s helping so much! Took me too many years to realize I was finding the same person just in different bodies! There is healing! 🤍
100% same here, you are not alone🥲
Work on yourself babes, self care, self love ❤️ therapy, meditation 🧘♀️ exercise, get coach to help you
Emotionally un-available is not just someone not wanting to commit. Also someone who is hurt or not able to be what you want because they have walls up and cant be open and vulnerable.
Yup ,true.. i was with same kind of person. Who had bad experience in past and was not ready to give wht i want
@@kumkumgohil6740its a double edge sword. It’s always what everyone else wants. And sometimes it’s better to just be to yourself and taking care of one’s own needs than to always have to give in to what everyone else wants.
So?
Exactly, you can be in a committed relationship with someone who had closed their heart and does not know how or will not share their inner emotional world. It means they're blocking themselves and other people from their emotional truths and process.
Yes. An emotionally unavailable person is someone who ultimately cannot CONNECT with others on a deeper level. They cannot fully value the other person in front of them for whatever reason, which is why, yes, they can't commit. It can include narcissists and those who lack empathy as well as decent people who just have trauma or low self-esteem. Being emotionally available ultimately means you are capable of connecting with someone on an emotional level, which means you have some baseline sense of self-esteem, some ability to trust, some ability to relate and understand others (having at least decent EQ/emotional intelligence), some understanding of your own wants and needs and feelings, a desire to nurture the relationship, etc. Missing any of these components can make one emotionally unavailable. It's about so much more than just commitment because you can be in a relationship, or hell, even a marriage with someone emotionally unavailable, but it will feel very unfulfilling and the EU person is more likely to take than give in the relationship.
" People will do anything no matter how absurd, in order to avoid facing their own soul. " Carl Jung.
What the guy with the blonde hair and glasses said feels the most relevant to me. By choosing unavailable people, the sting of rejection is lessoned. We can easily say, "it's them, not me" without ever having to hold a mirror up to ourselves.
Either this or: those we really are attracted todo not chose us and we’re stuck with the leftovers… time and time again and we cannot bring ourselves to fall in love and chose those who would choose us, bc it feels like setting
For me it’s the part that I don’t really commit myself to somebody, I’m still somewhat independent.
Recently I’ve been developing the feeling that I would rather be alone. It’s so much easier and happier than having some else’s moods ruin things I want to do.
I’m too scared of a relationship now but I think I will never be afraid of being alone again.
I agree I’m 38 and starting to value my solitude. Every time I try to date it’s a bunch of drama and confusion with the messed people out there. They tell you one thing and do the opposite and you’re left baffled. Idk what happened to normal but if this is the “new normal” I’d rather be alone with a few pets. I’m happier that way.
the ultimate mic drop came at 7:48, Audrey had explained that so well!! Then Matthew followed up with explaining the dynamic of always chasing that excitement and that rush, which is why we tend to chase after those unavailable to us, and believing their breadcrumbs of attention that we were able to obtain just eggs us on. Thank you for sharing this!!!
Emotionally unavailable people will committ even marry They are never Available emotionally but they do commit themselves to providing and showing they care just enough. They will breadcrumb you enuf you shrug and settle. Tell yourself they work hard to help support you, and then you settle for a relationship that is not nourished it is full of neglect and lonliness
Yep. You'll never get a full loaf with a breadcrumber.
Yes this happened to me too. It's painful to finally break free and to realise all the unhealthy patterns and gaslighting that happened over the years. And when a large part of that gaslighting was about me being the one who had problems with healthy attachment it's even harder to take an honest look at myself. I don't know what is true anymore sometimes. No matter what I did, if I asked for attention, drew back or tried to express my needs in a healthy way... it never made him capable of true connection. All the therapists who automatically tell you to look at yourself first, don't help either when you try to recover from emotional neglect and abuse. These videos help though, they have a way of talking about it without judging.
It is a very real thing to be in a committed relationship with an emotional unavailable person. They are with you but completely unable to a build an emotionally deep relationship. I am of an older generation & this a VERY real pattern.
Yes what is it about dismissive avoidant and emotional unavailable people that won't leave? I hear so many times that they will eventually leave but I was the one who had to make that choice for myself.
Maybe it has to do with our Christian upbringing that my husband and I feel a lot of pressure for having to make it work no matter what the costs. I have now learned that God values my safety and wellbeing more than my marriage.
I label emotionally unavailable men as them not wanting to open up and be vulnerable. I’ve had men that want to be with me, but also with one foot out the door and not having the conversations.. kind of like a silent assumption.
In a sense, I think I’ve been emotionally unavailable as well.
That is a great point about how we see movies about overcoming obstacles and differences for love and how that shapes how we approach relationships and go after wmotionally unavailable people!
Definitely feer. And that's something you carry from your childhood. Feer of abandonment. We gravitated towards unavailable people.
My current situation absolutely....so hard to let go. Such a frustrating situation.
Rooting for you! 👏🏻
Its been a year, I hope you left and found yourself happier than ever
That is so true thank you, it's like if you want to be with someone who doesnt want to be with you it's basically romanticising someone who's not involved
It also reflects an inclination towards self abandonment. Alarm bells should flash. No one loving themselves would find any logic in wanting to be with someone who doesn't want to with them. It makes no sense whatsoever
@@sunbeam9222 I think it's like love addiction, it happens when you haven't properly dealt with emotions but to be fair the world is a painful place
@@Nora-yv8op absolutely
@@sunbeam9222 but I don't know, upon considering this we are approaching very close to the mystery of why people like and fall in love with each other in the first place, if it was as easy as only people who get together and stay together are healthy and sane, then how do we explain all the couples who get together and separate, or even like each other but never get together, it cannot be as simple as they are misguided or emotionally unhealed, there's something more going on
@@Nora-yv8op I think relationships especially romantic ones are here to make us more aware of ourselves. IT triggers our core wounds. And very often we will believe it's the other person doing this. It's not, the wound is here within, they just help us make it become visible. What becomes conscious. If we realise that and manage to handle it without blaming the other person we can grow together, but if the wounds come on too strong, and despite our best efforts we cannot handle it then we push the other person away. Thinking they are the problem. The wound goes dormant again. It's still within tho. So I think it depends on the intensity of the wound and it also depends on our level of awareness about it. All I know is no one is at fault in a relationship and even though it's hard to believe at times we're all already doing our best.
We try to recreate the environment we grew up in even when we know it was toxic. We’re drawn beyond our control. It’s Eros, the will to procreate. Take a line from Shakespeare “Get thee to a nunnery!” We may just have to learn to live alone.
That's true in some cases, but not always. Sometimes it's a scarcity mindset, low self-esteem or just the fear of loneliness that makes us settle for less than we deserve, irrespective of a bad or good childhood. Great quote, though. 😊
I agree with the part of childhood. Especially the early part.
And for this reason I do a trauma therapy. With bodywork as one important part. Because our trauma is in our nervesystem and in the oldest part of our brain. So it is also important to make new experiences with boundaries and full contact - and keeping the contact, no matter what. Because often there was a break in the contact with the parents ( a lot of exemples . If you ask )
And in the end it's good to really know, that we will not die, if anybody leaves us ( evolution fear as a baby) But it's great to have boundaries, we need them, we are herd- animals! And our Nervesystem need that connection and the body- contact.
p😊
Repetition compulsion 😮
I love Audrey’s insights. Thank you for being the feminine beacon light on this channel. I feel understood. ❤
Yeah it's good to have that balance.
Yessssss she was spot on ❤
I want to add something. It can also be that your attachment style makes you inherently believe that you are not worth loving so you can’t recieve the love that they are giving. Being so scared that the natural moments of lesser connection are your fault, and then communicating boundaries is hard because of a big fear of rejection. It can then feel like your partner is emotionally unavailable, however maybe it is actually a sign that you are (or you both are). Doubt in a relationship is also a way to protect yourself from the pain of letting someone too close just to be rejected. Doubt does not automatically mean that they are not good for you. I think the effort and willingness to work on things together says a lot about the compatibility as well
The title says attract. We attract all types. It's who we keep around that matters
Amen!
Thank you so much for your advice. I'm young and not really looking for anyone right now but i love the idea of being prepared before i'm in the situation. "Why go into war learning how to use a gun?" Is something i always say, so I love the advice you give because it applies in other life relationships too!
Thank you!
My definition of emotionally unavailable is: Not being able to relate to emotions, his or mine. Not being able to talk about feelings. Not being vulnerable. Not having empathy or compassion. Without these things, it feels like being in a relationship with a robot. Sex with an emotionally unavailable partner feels like being with a stranger. It's actually quite heartbreaking.
That's why I don't want to date anymore. I don't want this whole shit anymore. I prefer being alone over getting hurt by emotionally unavailable people. It broke me.
You have every right to feel this way, and hopefully you're working on your self-esteem and boundaries so you can better spot the signs of an emotionally unavailable person in the future and also not get invested too much until they have given enough signs (and verbal confirmation) that they are invested in being exclusive and being in a relationship with you. Maybe you can learn to trust yourself better.
I know for me, I started to feel the same way dating men after being burned by a few EU people, but as I've worked on my boundaries, I recognized that I put these men on a pedestal and early on knew (on some level) that they weren't fully committed, but I was addicted to the validation and the hope that they would eventually "pick" me fully with enough time. Even though these relationships didn't work out, I know better now that I can trust my gut (because there were some signs early on), and also trust myself not to give so much leash to time wasters like these guys. And ultimately I don't want to feel like a victim. Some people suck, but I also was being an ahole to myself by letting others take advantage. Good luck out there. I hope you don't become closed off forever, but you're not alone in your feelings.
The other day i met a guy I could talk with SO easily. He understood the most trivial comment i made, and he showed it by the way he replied with so much resonance. And he seemed interested too because he kept making conversation. I loved it. I thought this is exactly what I‘ve been missing. I thought I just met the guy I have been dreaming of all my life. But in the end, it was a case of what you yourself call „putting too much weight on just one thing you care about“ and forgetting many other things that matter equally, but which this person can‘t give you. Turned out the guy seems to be emotionally unavailable. Not replying, not answering my questions. Somehow, I was blinded by experiencing one thing I had been missing for so long.
Another insightful video. A BIG thank you to the 4Love Musketeers! And, I would like to share a little acnedote of my own to drive the point home.
I was crying myself to sleep after my husband of 20 years walked out. The TV was on and I heard this line from the movie “the Perks of Being a Wallflower” which changed my life…
“We accept the love we think we deserve.”
WE have more power than we believe. We cannot control how others treat us but it’s our choice to accept their behaviour or not. I made a decision right there and then that I would give myself all the love, kindness and nurturing that I need and deserve. Why would I expect anyone else to love me if I don’t love myself? So, be brave to stand alone when necessary because solitude gives you the gift of knowing yourself to the core and truly loving your own presence. 💕
This video may have just saved me. It now all makes perfect sense. The dots are connecting.
I think emotionally unavailable means someone that doesn’t have a deep relationship with you. They don’t open up about their lives, you don’t know what makes them tick really and you find that they know way more about you than you know about them. They won’t talk about sex: what they like or what you like. If you try to bring up, say, “was it hard to move to this country as a teen not knowing the language?” Or “weee you close with your deceased mom?” Or “I’d really enjoy it if we could slow things down somewhat when we have sex. Maybe kiss?” Or idk. And they will respond by not texting for a couple weeks or if in person, one word answers or shrugs. This is emotionally unavailable. Think like a negative EQ score raised in a macho atmosphere.
True! They can never share any difficulties they faced or something emotional about them. Also they can't listen our emotional thoughts.
In my experience men keep pretending to be available. I have firm boundaries- date to marry, no hookups, etc. Last guy that pursued me said he dates to marry as well. Everything was going great, he even introduced me to his friends and family as his future wife. Then suddenly he went cold so I asked him what happened and he said he’s not ready for anything serious right now. Huh?!?!? Then why did he get his family and friends involved? It feels like the rug keeps being pulled from under me.
Same happened with me. They are good actors! It's very important to verify it someway if they are really ready or they're bluffing to get you into the commitment.
I think it’s because we fall in love too fast so when we discover that they are unavailable we put excuses for not leaving. He have hope. But also it’s possible to learn from the experience.
I find they are pretty easy to spot early on these days. And unfortunately the older you get the more the entire dating pool is these people. I went out with 4 people recently on dating apps and 3 out of 4 were the noncommittal types. Its very prevalent
Interesting, I have had a traumatic childhood with parents who were both emotionally immature and unavailable. I have always chosen the 'bad' boy, it's what feels comfortable, it's what I know. I dated a couple of guys who would have given me the world and I had no idea how to 'deal' with this. I can give love in bucket loads, but receiving it is another matter, even though I seem to long it. So my question is simply, is it actually me that's emotionally unavailable 🙃 x
Hi there Matthew, this is Carla from Munich :) No idea if this the way people get to ask you questions, but I might as well just try: It seems that I have lost my spark!
At this point I am 31 years old and I had several quite long relationships with men throughout my 20s. Ever since I can recall, problems in my relationships only started to arise after quite some time. Relationships failed, but getting into them in the first place was never an issue. Men always seemed to chase me like crazy in the first stages of dating, I never had any trouble getting with the guys I wanted to get with and I never question my desirablility (I know, that might sound cocky but believe me, I have loads of other areas where I struggle with my self esteem to make up for it haha)
By this day, I have been single for almost three years now and the wind seems to have changed: I have gone out with plenty of guys during that time and I got rejected over and over and over again...even by men who might not fall into the category of guys who drown in female attention. Something is completely off. I do not think it has anything to do with my visuals since I still get invited on first dates and usually guys seem to really dig me and give me lots of compliments when going out for the first time. But some weird vibe seems to be creeping in on the 2nd, 3rd, 4th or 5th date with a guy... during these early stages of dating I can feel them pulling away more and more with their interest in me slowly dying. The only difference I can identify for myself compared to dating in my 20s is a shift in my mindset, I feel like I start obsessing over guys more than I used to and with each man who seems moderately attractive I feel the urge to lock him down since I just want to get it done, not be disappointed again, not get my hopes up and have them die down again. I want to start a life with a man and maybe I am becoming impatient - I am trying to hide the desperate label well but my suspicion is that guys sense it like dogs smell sausage and run for the hills without even being sure why themselves. Also I feel like leaning back into my feminine, just chilling out and being receiving does not seem to be my natural state any more these days. For example: On dates, when the waiter comes and it is time to pay, I feel the urge to jump the gun and scream: "We'll split the bill!", before the guy can even offer to pay for the both of us. When a guy offers to walk me home, I refuse the offer. It is almost as if I would feel that I do not deserve to be taken care of and I want to lower the effort for the guy, hoping he'll buy at a lower price (which I know, is exactly the wrong approach)
So how do I get into the position of perceiving myself as the price again? Especially after being rejected so many times in a row, 4 to be precise? My self esteem is somewhere below room temperature and I am stuck in an unhealthy pattern of feeling and thinking. Please, help!!!
Thank you so much for your great work, keep it up! What you do is of so much value to so many people and you seem extra kind. X, Carla
Takes a lot of guts to say it as it is Carla. I'm 31 too so a similar stage of life, wanting to settle down. I wish you loads of luck & firstly, hope Matt answers you!
You sound lovely. If you try a dating agency. If guys pay to be introduced rather than an app, they should be focussed and invested. Worked for me at much older than you
Sometimes you don’t know you’ve attracted an unavailable man until it’s too late. He hasn’t revealed to you his full past until after you really start to emotionally connect, and by then, your hooked 🤦🏼♀️
WOW... THIS is what the problem with my relationship has been @8:32.
I want a Peaceful stable relationship, and she is push/pull because she values excitement and feelings more than anything. 😮
What Matthew said in the first minutes its exactly what i went through 2 years ago 😱
Audrey was such a necessary addition to this channel
It’s true that it seems as though we see love as a prize you chase after, instead of what you are going to build together as a couple. But that’s not something we do consciously. She gets it when she says we are trying to close a loop. The thing that we think will close the loop is the prize he‘s referring to. That prize is the love you never felt you got growing up. The love you were chasing after but never got is what keeps you going after the emotionally unavailable guy, unconsciously trying to close that loop that you were unable to close as a child, and which was so painful because it meant you felt unloved, unseen, alone. If only you could manage to make him love you and see you, then that painful never-ending story may have an end. A happy end.
Maybe, in some cases, deep in our hearts, we re not willing to have a deep real commitment, that s why we keep choosing Unavailable partners...
You ignored the most important opinion. The opinion of the blonde guy. It's we that are afraid of real exposure, real intimacy, getting our walls down, truly commit. That was the MOST on point state about choosing an unavailable partner. But again you see a person, have two glances, or dance without literally knowing nothing about his availability or unavailability and you feel things. That is PURE LUCK. And it's a factor that is never mentioned...
I agree!
But I think, it's not a luck or bad luck to run into them (? I'm not native speaker) I believe, I am sure, that we have an sensor for these guys. We ( me too) are so afraid of full contact, to be seen. We take those, who are not comming closer. So we are "safe" not to be seen. Because we think, we are not great enough. Only unconsciously.
I do a Trauma Therapie. Because I had enough of it🙃😆
Personally i know my worth but of course when you are alone for a great amount of time and feel something you start hoping, dreaming and in the end get attached. It's humane when you are in dessert and throw you a bottle of water, you won't just take a sip... For me it's because nothing better got my way. I wouldn't let go someone who is great AND feel attracted to him. I do believe in luck very much and in everything. It's the timing, the place, the person. Some people happened to have great first relationships. I don't believe that they had all their issues solved and for that they got the jackpot. I did more than a year psychotherapy but i disagree in many things that they preach. Mostly that you don't need external love and the lack of acknowledgement of the importance of occasions - luck.
@@cv947 ❤️
Ok, I’m a guy, but what you say has made me realise the way this woman at work may view me/her. Basically it’s pretty obvious she’s interested but both of us are too awkward to do anything about it. She may think I’m ‘unavailable’.
I need to do something about it 😭
@@YCFCfollower May I be so bold as to ask you why you haven't approached her?
Bruh! I'm a high school pass out and I seem to get attracted to people who don't value me much or unavailable men, I am looking out for a relationship and I've never been into a relationship so it's a bit tough for me, Thankyou for this video❤ Matthew.
That hit hard for me. Just the feeling of feeling something. Even if it is just in the moment.
Fear is a big reason itself..so in avway the person going for the unavailable is unavailable themselves
Interesting, I've never assumed a connection between emotionally unavailable and lack of commitment.
I found your channel and I must say it’s life changing ❤
YESSSS so me ! I hate that about myself and I keep doing it over and over 😢
And that’s exactly it. I will go on some dates and then I’ll go back to my ex because I can’t find anybody else that I like and I have that chemistry with him already.
My definition of emotionally unavailable is not being able to talk about the relationship and what’s going on - ex: their behavior
And having a addiction & the person cannot tell you how they feel when they’re sober only when they’re drunk
It's quite hard for me because people see me as insecure due to previous self harm scars or that I try to hide them with pretty tattoos. My personality is so much more than how I look but it's hard to find a man that sees this or wants to make an effort to try and slowly see my heart.
A good clarifier would be what exactly counts as emotionally unavailable because like the person asked; this term gets thrown around a lot in addition to other popular diagnoses in therapy.
*hmm, I really needed to hear this today. Thanks lads* 😢
Thank you so much ❤. I always attract unavailable, emotionally or people who are already engaged or interested in other women😢I am just so sick of being underappreciated in my work and and my personal life
I feel you I’ve had that pattern all throughout areas of my life as well. Its exhausting
The way I know the term emotional unavailability can happen very much so in relationships. Which is very painful.
When I say emotionally unavailable I am not talking about commitment. My current partner says their committed. He has said he doesnt want anyone else. For me, it means not being able to express that love or commitment or talk about the relationship or talk about relationship goals or even just how are we doing on a weekly or monthly basis. Are we working towards what we want to be accomplishing as a couple? If not, is something better possible?
Emotionally unavailable pps will not be able to navigate through relationship issues. They will feel it like we are blaming them.
And sometimes it's simply great sex and romance with a very attractive person. We know we "are not supposed to" be with them and they can potentialy hurt us, but we still prefer to experience being around them. Yes, a lot of times these are people who have a lot of choices and a lot of partners and they don't feel the need to commit. A lot of us still prefer to date them instead of a person that is "safer and more stable ". 😉 The ideal situation would be of course someone who is a bit of both. But that is not easy to come across.
What about men who are in committed relationships but emotionally unavailable? Like you can’t connect with them. Things are pretty surface level. Lacking intimacy and depth
I think the bigger problem is that I am attracted to emotionally unavailable and distant rather than the fact that I keep attracting them. As soon as a guy shows too much interest in me I get turned off… idk what’s wrong with me?? Why am I like this? Why do I get turned off by the guy who truly values me but the guy that is nonchalant is the one I want 😭
Great point
Damn she’s on point 😢❤
Loved this so much❤
7:05 - "healthy people feel: people who don't want them = unattractive"
Can we pls hear more from Audrey 🙏
Hi Matthew and team, any chance you will be doing a retreat in the UK? I have wanted to go to one of your retreats for years but I want to be there in person. X
Thank you Audrey!
Thank You 😊
I always viewed emotionally unavailable to mean not willing ready or able to connect with themselves or others on an emotional level. That’s all. The commitment thing could be a side effect tho. For sure
Never considered ppl might think it means something else. 🙃
That's a really good way of putting it. They are emotionally unavailable to themselves, and as a by-product, emotionally unavailable to others. They have low EQ. As a result, they tend to be non-committal, but they can often wind up in long-term relationships and marriages, but those relationships inevitably suffer until one or both parties want out.
I’m in and on and off again FWB situation with an unavailable man. I was just reflecting two days ago about what your question was..
is it just unavailable to me or is it something deeper in him when he says I’m emotionally unavailable?
Dr. Bruce Lipton says 85 percent of people didn't experience self-love or self-acceptance, because their parents didn't teach them self-love and confidence at age 0 - 7...The first 7 years are the most important for child's brain to save the most important subconscious programs, that they use in adulthood. The subconscious programs work exactly the same as the computer program.
So it means the guys also were taught to be tough and not experience some artistic philosophies or whatever, that inspire them.
My story not about men, but about friends. I used to have really lovely friends, but as time passed, I cannot seem to maintain the friendship and I now kinda attract people who are just so off-vibe and quite emotionally neglecting. I just don’t know what to do, I even had my tarot reading session, and then the tarot reader told me that I was somehow destined to be a mediator and therefore cannot have a deep and genuine connection with people as I hope???????? Tbh it is truly devastating
Come to Sacramento, California!
Thank you 🙏
Yeah you are right my friend Matthew iam too much emotional person 😢
Perfect Said 💯
So hard when everyone else in my life gives constant validation
Sensational video.
I don’t know, the title of the video was everything I was looking for. Didn’t feel the content really hit the spot though
Erm I kinda disagree with Steve. Good company is pretty valuable. Sometimes that’s what all people need.
I had recently met a woman who said she was emotionally unavailable but then the next day she was on a dating site. Was this just an excuse?
She’s probably just wanting someone to hook up with people without the commitment and vulnerability. Which is stupid. You truly can’t have sex with someone without forming a bond together. And those who are emotionally unavailable are just using people for their physical needs. It’s selfish.
They might commit, but never give you the access to their inside mind. (to their actual feelings). Or they say they are committing, but in secret are not.
Right! The guy will commit but refuses to be known deeply. It's frustrating, like a hide and seek game.
6:09
Why do unavailable partners make themselves available?
Chemistry DOES wane, it’s Normal! This is what causes Trouble!
Couples need to work harder…. But they give up..
Due to laziness 🎊🎉
More videos 🔥🙏
It's like you are getting bread crumbs from them, but you think they are giving you loaves of bread.
How much is this retreat ?
Hey Leticia ❤ you can book a free consultation call with our lovely Retreat Specialists at MHRetreat.com and they’ll give you all the details 😊
-Bianca, MH Team
just tell him im breakin the cycle
Sir I'm having suicidal thoughts
Infact I was about to jump of the window right now
I am feelings like I'm about to die out of anxiety and guilt
Update
My x i kept asking if he was deaf
Ah, the retreat. 6 days. Unfortunately, it's in Florida. 🙁
And when they start bread crumbing you or being love bombing it definitely means they are manipulative
Hey Matthew, I'm currently seeing a man and I think he's very interested in going forward with our thing, but I don't know how to tell him I want to see other people and take a break... I would love a video about these situations..🙏🙏🙏
"take a break", ugh, just leave the poor guy alone. People aren't toys to be picked up and put down.
Well, this doesn’t help me in the slightest. It didn’t even come close to answering my question about how to find emotionally available women.
❤
Harry Potter is his twin
💚💚💚