Julie, I know your channel is human-focused, but anticipatory grief occurs with beloved pets as well. I have experienced it with one of my dogs who had osteosarcoma, knowing the exact date I needed to have him 'put to sleep'. It was terrible. Everything you put out here is correct and true.
My cat Bingo was diagnosed with an aggressive form of Lymphoma on Tuesday. He was too weak for chemo as he had co-morbidities such as Pancreatitis and IBD. He was withering away before our eyes. I tube fed him for last 10 days of his life. We let him go on Saturday. The lead up to Saturday was torture. It felt like a countdown to his death. And the day itself was hell. It is killing me inside. I love you Bingo, and I cannot wait to see you (and your sister Pudding) in heaven.
@@ammy1977I went through that in January with my ginger cat Simba. It was absolutely horrifible knowing that I was going to take him to be euthanased. Everyone keeps saying it's kindest for the cat. I wonder what he would have said about it.
Since August, I lost my dad and his wife I was caregiving. But, yes, my 16 yo Jack Russell is nearing the end of his journey, too. I feel like he could go anytime 😢
Julie, My wife had a massive stroke a little over a year ago. She has aphasia and is hemiplegic on the right side. She hasn't regained any lost functions and in fact has gotten worse with emotional agitation and debilitating pain in the affected limbs. She has also acquired neurogenic bladder and bowel distinction. I am her sole caregiver. I can't tell you how important your videos are for me. Thank you.
Blessings as you live compassion ❤️ for and with your wife. Prayers for courage, strength and knowing you are being the most human we can be. Katy retired hospice chaplain.
I was a home health and hospice nurse for 20+years and found that anticipatory grief was actually very helpful to/for me. I was able to help family towards true acceptance if there was a measure of "pre-death" grieving. Believe it or not folks, but hospice nurses grieve the loss of their patients too.
I agree, I knew my husband was going to die when I could no longer care for him at home, I found a wonderful hospice home for him and they were so good to him and me. He was there 10 months but the last month I k ew he was close to the end. It killed me, my heart was so broken I could hardly breathe some days. But we ( he and I ) got through his passage to heaven. I was there 24 he that last week. I work in healthcare ( Resp. Therapist ) I really grieved him that ten months, and it’s been 41/2 months and I still can’t get through a day without crying. We were married 57 years, I was 19 and he was 27 …he was my whole life friend and love. I was so blessed. But early grief didn’t change the grief I still feel everyday. I will manage and go on, there is no other path. I will see him again.
My husband was sick for 18 months before he passed. When I’d become overwhelmed or really scared, I would tell myself that in this moment he was still here and that’s what I had to focus on. This simple act had a calming effect, in what was a terrible time. We definitely spent that 18 months saying “goodbye” to each other. ❤
We shall all die some day but when a loved one has a dire diagnosis, mortality for them appears closer 😢 than for yourself even though you may die before them. Thank you for sharing this video. It has explained my current situation. Overwhelming sadness and inexplicable tears , fear, shame, anxiety, mental numbness, insomnia, frustration, and shots of hopelessness have been my daily fare these last three months..........Crazy.
Julie. My mother passed away yesterday. I’ve been watching your content ever since they diagnosed her with terminal cancer about 3 weeks ago, and I knew what to expect through the whole thing, and knew how to help keep them comfortable. Thank you for everything you do. I know your jobs not easy.
When my dad was sick with cancer, I definitely grieved before he died. I would break down and cry a river on my way home from visiting him. I felt so bad for him that he was going through that. I loved him so much and he was a great father. He didn't deserve that horrible disease. I never felt guilty or ashamed of feeling heartbroken.
Feeling unfair or not deserving it only complicates grief. The Roman goddess, Fortuna, could bestow the goodies of life on to you or steer your life on to the rocks for any reason or for no reason at all. There is no justice in the court of Fortuna and we need to come to peace with that reality. I am watching my mother of 100 go downhill fast. I do not expect her to reach 101. My father died 3 years ago at 95. Then I felt pre grief and now I and now I am pre-grieving coming to peace with the inevitable. I am luckier than people having had old lived parents. I think those avoiding pre-grief and burying it come out worse at the other end.
WOW. I am going through this right now! I had no idea why i was feeling the way i do. I took care of my mother for almost 4 years at home but could no longer care for her. I was getting ill myself. She is in a long term care facility about 60 miles away and i have been feeling so guilty for sending her away from me. I had to because the facilities that we have in our home town are no good, really bad reviews. She is also on hospice where she is. I do visit her at least once a week but every time i leave i keep thinking what if this, what if that. I had no udea anticipatory grief was a thing. Now i can talk to someone about it. Thank you Julie.
Thank you so much for your videos. My only sister (80 yr old) was diagnosed with cancer last year. I started watching the videos in anticipation and to know what to expect when she passed. I took her to the ER on 9/25, she died on 9/30. She had quit eating and I knew the end was close. I recognized the stages of dying and it helped so much. It’s still so hard since she was also my best friend, but I just wanted to thank you.
This, so much this, just went through this with my mom. Anger, grief, she drove me crazy and I miss the woman she was before she had dementia. Your videos helped a lot and my doctor was good about listening. I am having to take antidepressants for now to deal with everything.
I'm going through this right now, it is called the long goodbye. I am currently active in a grief support group and I am finding it very helpful. I actually felt guilty when I placed her in an assisted living facility and had to adjust to the free time that was mine. I have grieved over the last time we went grocery shopping, when she stopped driving and didn't renew her license, when I took her to the beauty shop the last time. This has been going on for years. I was attending a caregivers support group but quit going because it was too sad. Stories of this situation going on for 10 years or more were very frightening. I'm on my knees a lot these days asking for guidance, strength and relief. Clean,safe and comfy is a great solution. Thank you for the videos.
Mom passed almost 5 years ago - the result of a fall at a Memory Care Facility. I took 24/7/365 care of her for all but the last 4-1/2 months of her 7-year battle with Dementia, and YES, it IS the Long Goodbye. She was in Hospice for 8 days. The moment someone is placed in a care facility, their longtime caregiver immediately feels guilt, relief, and grief. There's just no getting around it. EVERYTHING becomes an anniversary date from that day forward. It took me about 4 years to fully process the grief and sometimes I still get a little sad. The memories, the reminders, the nightmares/night terrors, holidays, movies, music, driving, friends, and family - those are variables that can all inadvertently add to your delayed frustration and grief. It can be a daily chore to remember the good and let go of the bad, ...but, IT WILL HAPPEN, YOU WILL GET THERE. If you're able to, confront the painful memories daily, even if it's for 30 seconds at a time ...and then find a good memory and/or something to laugh about. It's natural to grieve, just remember to laugh too. Remind yourself of how far you've come AND remember that there are millions of us out here who have been in your shoes or are about to step into your shoes. Prayer and Faith are essential to all who have walked this road. We ALL have that in common. Prayers and best wishes to you.
I grieved my father for a year 1/2 when he passed in ,I was crying all the time. When he actually did die,it was hard. I cried, my heart hurts badly. However,,my 22yr old grandson suddenly died 6 was ago. Just dropped out of the sky. I am still just devastated 😢😢. My mom turned 92 yesterday (Oct 12).She has late dementia. I pray 🙏 I won't lose my mind.
Oh Debra, poor dear, you are the living one in this circle of life, please remember that! The love you have is yours to carry forward. You too will be missed someday. Love them while they're here, as they do love you!
I’m sorry for what you’re dealing with. It’s so hard when you’re in the middle and your grief is multigenerational. You want (and need) to be there for everyone. We, too have been going through the same thing. It’s been a very difficult year. Be patient with yourself, let the tears flow, they are cleansing. If you are a person of faith, lean into your faith. Without God i don’t know where I’d be this year. Blessings to you.
I have been experiencing anticipatory grief regarding my husband's demise from poor health for probably 3 years now. I've known it was inevitable. Then thought he was going to get better from the home PD dialysis. All that did was create caregiver burnout, with lots of loudly sobbing crying fits at the other side of the house so he would not he would not hear me. Then his electrolytes became dangerously low, & back into hospital ICU. He made his decision on his own to come back home on hospice because he did not want to do anymore dialysis... he has been home now for 4 days now. I am strangely calm right now, but not sure what I will feel when he passes. Thank you for your videos Julie.
Still having a hard time. First Christmas without them, hard. Cry a lot Still. God is with me and I talk to him alot. He helps me. He knows how it hurts and holds me upright for this journey 🙏
I grieved my Mum for the whole 2 years it took for cancer to finally kill her. It was horrendous, I had nightmares about it, cried constantly, woke up every morning thinking, "Yep, my Mum is still dying", the whole shebang. I honestly thought that when she died, I would die too. I couldn't see a way forward without her in my life (she was my best friend). Yes, I know, it was all about me and it didn't help that I was 3,000 miles away during it all! But I did get to spend 2 separate months with her while she was still reasonably well, and the 5 days before she died. Then, when she died, it wasn't just a relief that she wasn't suffering anymore, it was sort of, "Oh, yes, she died, and I'm devastated and still miss her every single day, but look, I'm still here, my children need me, I have a job and the rest of my life to live, just as she would want". It was weird and unexpected!
I've experienced anticipatory grief at various times throughout my life. When I was a teenager I was very close to my grandparents and I would occasionally cry myself to sleep thinking about how sad I would be someday when they die. My dad was diagnosed with cancer last year, and I grieved throughout that 11 month journey until he passed away in June. Since he passed, I feel very calm and the grief hasn't been as bad as I would've expected. I think it's because I did so much of the grieving ahead of time.
Just going through this now. My best friend died of stage 4 colon cancer last week. She battled for a year. I cried and cried over her progression towards death. Now that she’s passed. I am calm and not crying. I miss her and feel what she went through was so sad. Right now I’d say I’m coping better than I expected.
My hubby has pancreatic cancer and was estimated to have 6 months , he is doing ok at the 6 months mark but I have now s,arted having feelings of anxiety and you have described how I am feeling regarding tiredness.You have helped me to recognise what process, of anticipated death. I am going through. I can confirm its so important to allocate time for yourself. I walk the dog and more importantly go to my hobby group just to have a sense of normailty and to actually have fun for 2 hours. My hobby although getting harder to keep up is so imortant for my well being. Thank you for your videos I really appreciate them.
I lost my husband 2 weeks ago from pancreatic cancer, metastisized to liver, colon, lymph system etc etc. He was diagnosed in June after we thought he was having reaction to his flu shot. He lived a few days shy of 4 months. I experienced this and had so much guilt about it until seeing Julie's video.
@@ettafayetucker-odaniel4741 Im so sorry for your loss. Hubby was fine except he started itching then turned yellow, a trip tp hospital revealed the diagnosis in April. He was discharged from the hospital after he had a stent fitted to his bile duct and we've heard nothing more from them after that so we have no idea what's going on inside his body. He appears fine atm except he's lost a lot of weight and is a little weaker but thank goodness he's not in any pain atm. Julie's videos have been so helpful.
Thanks for this, Julie. I’ve been discussing this in therapy a lot as my sister continues her battle with stage four colon cancer. I JUST celebrated 9 years of sobriety and I’m worried about falling off the wagon after she dies (another part of anticipatory grief) .. I feel lucky to have my therapist but many don’t think to seek help before needing help. I’m a care giver to the elderly and disabled. I advise people all the time to seek some type of professional outside help. Platitudes are increasingly annoying during this time,so, outside professional help is necessary. .. it takes a village. We all need a hand to hold.
My mom and I both had anticipatory grief with both of her parents. My grandfather fought a long hard battle with his diabetes and heart condition. My grandmother had dementia that quickly progressed. It was nowhere close to 10 years. I think it was maybe 3-4 years, if that. We watched both of them slowly leave us. I’ve always said that there’s really two deaths with Alzheimer’s. The first one is when it slowly steals the person you once knew from you. The second is their physical death. Neither of which is easy to deal with. The first death is where the love and memories and things you said and did with them no longer happening. Or if you have regrets of things you wanted to say and do and didn’t. That weighs on you too. The physical death is just as hard because you know it’s final. Sure they’re no longer in pain. And they’re hopefully in Gods arms and are in the company of those who went before them. But that doesn’t mean we don’t miss them. As strange as it sounds, their physical death may also bring some people relief. Relief in knowing they’re not suffering anymore. Relief in that you can finally go to sleep and not have to worry if they’re going to pass in the night. Grief is a very strange thing even as commonplace as it is.
Thank you Julie for all of these videos. I find them so helpful and informative! I have been dealing with my mom's dementia for 10 years. I wish I found you sooner than I did but am grateful for the knowledge I've gained from watching you. I feel very alone at times but when I watch you I find comfort. Thank you so much! ❤
I have thought for a long time that when dealing with a loved one with a terminal illness you do all of your grieving before they die. I’ve had this twice in my life. What I felt guilty about is that I didn’t grieve in the way that I thought you should grieve- crying and being depressed. But I realized that I had done this many times before they died. I also felt relieved when they died because it is hard to go through that kind of pain for such a long time. I had to analyze my response for a long time to understand what had happened. But it has helped me get through everything. It’s really nice to get validation for thinking that way, Julie. This is the first time I’ve heard someone else express that.
Your videos have helped me in so many ways. My grandma dying was always my #2 fear. While it wasn't easy, your videos helped me understand what was happening. Keep doing what you're doing. You will never know the ripple effect you have on people. Thank you from the bottom of my heart.
So glad you addressed this very real fact,...well spoken and felt....can make you put up emotional walls to block the known inevible loss,...but that can keep you from experiencing the time left with your loved one,...it how it was for me...
You just said, what I felt too. I still have it going through my head and he passed away the end of June. I cared for him as he declined with Parkinson’s, by myself. All that work and chores, took away from our time. The walls. Yes. Thank you for putting in words.
I cared for my mother for 20yrs after a hospital procedure went wrong. She passed Dec 2020, I immediately became numb. Covid stopped us from being with her, though she didn't have it. Turning towards my father who was broken after 63yrs of marriage. I did my best to keep him with us. He passed 18months later. This time I made sure he was with us, where he wanted to be, home. I've not slept well for almost 4yrs. Still very numb. Thankyou for this post, it has helped me gather my thoughts and emotions.
Anticipatory grief is awful. Thank you so much for addressing this! My family member was diagnosed with ALS and I grieved for almost a year. From diagnosis to death was just about 9 months. I was a mess that whole time.
Thanks for putting a name to this grief, I experienced it for 15 years before my dad passed away in 2015 and now I am experiencing it with my mom who seems to be deteriorating by the day. This anticipatory grief helps because it prepares me as much as it can for my mother's eventual passing.
I experienced this with my mom when she started her health decline, and I was her caregiver while she was on hospice. I grieved over her way before she passed away, and each and every one of my pets as they were declining. It's the hardest thing, I believe, that we'll ever have to go through in life .
Thank you Julie for being SO REAL, SO INFORMATIVE and SO Helpful! I’ve learned so much following you and educating myself in preparation for the inevitable in life. I have elderly parents and just had a friend’s wife pass on hospice. Thank you!
Thank you for your service, Julie! I suffered anticipatory grief with my mother who had dementia, strokes, falls, etc. We were very close and I was her main caregiver. And I was so exhausted. And the truth is, you feel relief after their death. And then you feel guilty for feeling this way. I miss my Mom every day. I really appreciate you real you are with what you teach. So helpful to those going through it.
I just want to take the time to comment (I never comment on YT) and say thank you for putting these valuable videos out. My husband has stage 4 pancreatic cancer and we are in month 13 since his diagnosis. It has been a heartbreaking journey, but you have given me so much perspective and knowledge to humanize what we’re going through. I am currently reading your book as well. Many thanks from Alaska 🙏
Arthur was on hospice, palliative, hospice for 4 years. It certainly took a toll on me. I was his 24/7 caregiver for 22 years, the last 4 were tough. While I’m glad he’s free, I sure miss him still. I always will
I had this the last 2 months while taking care of my dad on hospice for copd. He passed away 5 days ago but I feel a peace. While he was alive on hospice I was an emotional mess. I feel guilty I’m not mourning like people assume I should be. I’m just happy he’s finally free from his suffocating earthly body. I’ll see him again. 🪽🌅
Omg I am so grateful to you, my dad is on his Alzheimer's journey and I'm feeling all of these feelings. The sorrow the guilt etc..... I thought it was just me. You're fantastic. Thank you very much ❤
I'm glad to hear this. So far it has been 3 1/2 years since his stage 4 voicebox cancer. Now that the voicebox cancer is gone, it has metastasized to his lungs. Stage 4. I was thinking I was such a bad person for feeling all I'm feeling. I'm just so mentally and physically exhausted.
This is exactly what I and my family went through during Mum's Alzheimer's journey. It didn't make the moment of her death less painful. It didn't make her funeral less sorrowful. But it did let us "move on" in a much healthier way. My brother and I weren't sure if Dad was going to be with us long after losing the love of his life, but now, 8 years later, we just celebrated his 98th birthday, with all grey cells in working order. And he's only just gone into aged care. We have a lot to be thankful for.
I used to watch your videos when my dad was dying. He left us on 9/26 after months, probably even years of serious suffering. Anticipatory grief was excruciating, so is actual grief.... Finally got myself to watch you again
Wonderful, video! Wish I had had this the four years of caring for and watching my elderly father deteriorate after the tragic death of my mother, zero help from siblings. Could have really used a truly caring hospice nurse like you!❤ ours was terrible.
Thanks Julie. You were right on with these things. I did not see your videos before my wife died, but watching them now are showing me that I did most of the things right, and that helps with my grief now. ❤️
I feel at times I could have done more. My mom passed in Feb 2024. I had so much guilt even though I knew I did as much as I could. There are times I feel like what could have I been better at? My mom in her last days went pretty fast. She was getting so agitated and angry that I just prayed for God to take her so she wouldnt be in pain. I felt guilty about that also. Did anyone else ever feel that way?
@@TerryPayne-e6m yes absolutely Happened with my mom And now with my dad. It's no quality of life when they are 100% dependable on someone or in pain like my mom
I had anticipatory grief with my mom who died of Alzheimer’s. I really didn’t grieve much or long after she was gone because I had already done it PLUS I knew that everything that made her herself had already gone before her body died
I was going to comment, ...a big thank you. CKD took my love March 8 of this year. We lived, loved and fought TOGETHER. I'LL SEE YOU AGAIN! R.I.P 🙏🌹❤️😇
One of the ladies in the bereavement group I go to is going through this. It's just terrible. In some ways, those of us who have already lost our loved one are luckier, the worst is over, their suffering has ended, but she still has it all coming 😢
Thank you Julie I have never heard this mentioned or discussed before, this is so helpful as it explains so much of how I am feeling now as my partner is undiagnosed but has all the signs of progressive dementia which is very scary . Thanks again for all you do
Thank you so much for this video. My husband has Parkinson's with dementia and is now in a care home. You have answered so many questions for me. He may not be the same man i married, but he is still my husband and i love him dearly.
I did that for my Mom when she was diagnosed with Dementia. She went to live with my brother the last 6 months 2 hours away from me. Every time i visited her at his house she had changed as it got worse. The last time i saw her she still remembered who i was. I was with her when she passed away and a few days later i got the call from my brother while at work and rushed to be with her and she passed away that night at 11:06pm. She was already unconcious when I got to the Hospice home. It's traumatic even when you know they are dying.
My husband came home from hospital 5 years ago on palliative care to die. He's still with us. He has dialysis 3 x a week. He's had 7 heart attacks and has right sided heart failure. Grief has been for the relationship we had. For the lifestyle changes and the responsibility of us falling totally on my shoulders. I grieve for the day he finally leaves me. And the anger I have that we are going through this. I have carers,we have children and grandchildren. I have lost me. I enjoy your videos 😊
Excellent video. Thank you! Dealing with 41 yr old daughter with end stage disease. Feeling this anticipatory grief on a daily basis. Thanks for the suggestions on ways to handle it.
Boy, do I know first hand about this! I felt as though I wanted to try and soften the blow when it's eventually happened, but there's no way to be emotionally prepared for it. It's not what I imagined. I would say over and over dad's dead and try and relate to that fact as to prepare for when it really happened. With my dad, I saw him decline physically due to health problems and the fact that he was an alcoholic. With my mom, I started to grieve ten years before she died, when she was fine. It's because on average wives usually live around ten years longer than thier husbands as a whole. So I had started to count down the years, and the closer it got, the more emotionally I tried to prepare myself. And damn it! sure enough, my mom had gotten Cancer and had died of congestive heart failure ten years later. I never felt guilty for having these feelings because it wasn't about me. My focus was solely on my parents.
I went thru this with both my mom and dad. He had Parkinson's. She had dementia. It actually eased the death for me...... I knew the end was coming and when they died it was a relief as their life here was lousy. And mine was too.
@@hospicenursejulie I think I'm about done losing old folks. It's just me now and my brother and sister..... we had one rotten year we lost my dad and both their parents. 2005. I still enjoy your vids. So what is up with your fella????!!!!
Julie, thank you for talking about this. I was told by a grief support group that I was suffering from ‘anticipatory grief’ re my former spouse, who passed away last year. Now it’s focused on my parents who are in their mid to late 90s and are getting worse almost every day. Thank you for addressing this issue-it has truly helped me. Blessings, Marianne 😇❤️ 5:05
I lost my mother two weeks ago. She was 103, and dementia had stolen everything from her during the last five years of her life. I’m grieving but realize that I had been grieving and missing her for five years. I felt guilty over the last years, and now feel guilty that I feel some sense of relief that she has passed. It really is a strange cycle of feelings.
I’m so glad you brought this up. I moved in with Dad 5.5 years ago to help him with his wife, Claudia, who had Alzheimer’s. I couldn’t shake the grief all along. Watched my Dad deteriorate because he spent his days holding her hand when she was bedridden for the past 26 months. I grieved with him in my own way. He just passed @ 8 weeks ago. She joined him 7 weeks later. I lost my dad when she came home (she was in memory care until she broke her hip) and now I’m grieving both of them. But I also, as a caregiver, grieved my loss of freedom. As I navigate the new season of my life, I know this will lift. And I’m stronger for it.❤
Thank you for validating the grief of loss of your own freedom. It gave me words to what I was feeling but too guilty to say it out loud to myself.....
thank you SO much for this episode. mom is in the later stage of dementia and I have been seeing a counselor for 5 years and you are spot-on about the grieving process. i feel guilt about not doing more with my mother when she was younger. i finally asked for help and have home healkth aides coming in 7 days a week. unfortunately we have to move to an area where home care is a maximum 0f a few hours 2 times a week.
I agree completely. I nursed my mum through Alzheimer’s for over 10 years. Though single, I avoided romantic relationships through that period, 1, because I didn’t really have time, but 2, I didn’t want to put myself in a situation where I might be torn between looking after her, and spending time with AN other, or even worse, wishing I no longer had the caring responsibilities. I have a little dog, and my daily walks with her were my ‘time out’ - even in the rain! ‘Clean, safe and comfortable’ was my mantra for her for many of those years! Now that little dog is aging, and I am getting those familiar feelings, again!
My hubby has end-stage emphysema, pulmonary hypertension and possibly CHF (we'll find out more in a few weeks). I'm not a medical person, but I love science, and so I read as many research papers as possible about his illnesses and test results. It helps me stay grounded. But still, the grief is real, and it's a tough one to cope with. I appreciate your shows. Thank you
Thank you for sharing your heart and being so honest about the grief and struggle you are facing. I can only imagine how heavy this season must feel for you as you care for your husband and try to process the uncertainty ahead. It’s clear how deeply you love him and how much effort you’re putting into understanding his needs and the challenges he’s facing. In moments like this, it’s natural to feel overwhelmed by the weight of it all. But I want to encourage you: there is true and lasting comfort available in Jesus Christ. He sees your heartache and offers you His peace and presence in the midst of the storm. "Come to me, all who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest." (Matthew 11:28) The comfort Jesus offers isn’t just a fleeting feeling-it’s the assurance that we are deeply loved and never alone, no matter what we face. When we place our trust in Him and are born again, He fills us with His Holy Spirit, giving us the strength and peace to endure even the hardest of trials. To be born again means to surrender our lives to Jesus, turning from sin and placing our faith in His sacrifice for us. It’s through this act of faith that we are transformed, receiving a new heart and the assurance of eternal life. This is the greatest hope we can hold onto: that Jesus has made a way for us to be with Him forever, free from pain and sorrow. "Jesus answered, 'Truly, truly, I say to you, unless one is born again he cannot see the kingdom of God.'" (John 3:3) A Prayer for Comfort and Salvation Here is a prayer you can pray today: Lord Jesus, I feel overwhelmed by the weight of this season. I don’t have all the answers, but I want to place my trust in You. I know You are the source of true comfort and hope, and I ask You to come into my life. Please forgive me of my sins and make me new. Fill me with Your Holy Spirit, Lord, and guide me as I walk through this difficult time. Give me strength, peace, and the assurance of Your love. Thank You for Your sacrifice and for offering me eternal life. I surrender my heart to You. In Jesus’ name, Amen. Friend, Jesus cares deeply for you and your husband. He wants to walk alongside you in this journey, offering you His strength and peace. You don’t have to carry this burden alone-lean on Him, and let His Spirit comfort and sustain you. I’m praying for you and your husband, God bless
I went through this with my cat. His health slowly got worse over about 10 months and I knew he wasn't going to get better. He wasn't diagnosed as having a terminal illness but I just knew he was dying. I don't know how, but I did. I knew he had cancer even though vets were saying there was no concrete evidence. I went through so much anticipatory grief and my (now ex) partner was so sick of it. A few days before I had him put to sleep this past February, the vet found a mass on his liver. I knew it was cancer all along and no one believed me. The pain of grief was unimaginable but so was the pain of knowing that I was right. 💔
Another excellent video Julie. I was diagnosed with stage iv lung cancer (metastasized to brain) back in July. I'm currently undergoing immunotherapy, which will only buy me time. Is there like, a flip side to this that the afflicted person suffers? I'll be leaving behind my younger brother, which pains me. We haven't really talked about it but I've been really conscious that he's gonna be alone. He admitted once that he's really confused. I'm getting ready to start seeing a palliative doc and I'll be setting things up with this new doc for my brother, John, to be able to reach out to this doc after my death. I'm doing what I can, while I can, to provide my brother support. For all I know, he may not need it and I'm just projecting how I would feel if our positions were reversed. At any rate, I've done all i can to make this as fuss free as possible. I have my paperwork in order, discussed things with my doc and medical powers of attorney, have life insurance, discussed funeral arrangements with a local funeral home, made will.
Yes. My Mother In Law has lived with us since covid began over 4 years ago but is now in Hospice (at our home) for about 3 weeks now. Her daughter, my wife is communicating things to me that tells me she is acknowledging her mother's impending death. Her Mom may live for a long while considering her current health is not dire in many respects but she is declining mentally faster now than ever b4 so the signs are there that things are going to be changing more dramatically in the very near future. I appreciate you covering this as it is very pertinent for us and I suspect many others at this time. Many thanks Julie.
Julie, yesterday I asked a question about chemo versus hospice care in stage 4 prostate cancer. It's a recent comment on your prostate cancer info video. Please give your opinion after looking at the comment. He will be deciding soon about this important topic. Thank you so much for all your help for us. You were a huge help to me during my mother's final illness! ♥️♥️♥️
Oh my goodness Julie, never has there been a truer post made on UA-cam. I was a busy NP. My 83yr old mum was frail but had been getting frailer for a long time. Hubby was made redundant. They adored each other except someone swapped out my husband fora crotchety horror who took his moods out on mum. A thing he would never have done as he loved her like his own mum and we lived with mum. Happily and contentedly. I had a wonderful relationship with the best mum anyone could have. We just adored each other and I loved her more than life itself. Then 9 months before she passed we argued and argued, I’d say to hubby god forgive me but she’d be better gone as she has no life now. Then I’d get home and be horrible. I did not at any point see she was dying, never ever. She went into hospital with a chest infection and 5hen broke her arm because they didn’t put cot sides up and she fell out of bed. She was acutely confused because of the infection I was then told she was going to rehab in a nursing home and then out of the blue they told me it was palliative care she was in for, not rehab. I was devastated and 2 days late4 she died as I was on the way to go up and be with her. No one has any idea about how much I despite and hate myself. For 13 years I’ve grieved non stop, stuck grief is what the counsellor called it. I despise 5hat the person I loved most in the world died when I didn’t see it and I was horrid to her, a thing I’d never been. Thanks Julie and sorry for letting all this out
The moment my dad passed I was happy knowing he was reunited with his mother and finally free from his crippled body. I love him so much and that will never leave me ❤
My 93 year old grandpa has been on his last days at a nursing home for almost two weeks from advanced cancer, and my 16 year old cat just died last week too. I feel shame because I have been cried out over my grandpa, he started his decline about a year and a half ago and I've been through so much of that grief. Our cat was sudden and unexpected and I haven't been able to stop crying about it.
I did this with my grandma. She went to the hospital and was told either dialysis or she won’t make it passed 7-10 days. She never wanted dialysis. We put her on hospice. First few days she was doing pretty good. Family coming to see her. Then she went out basically. For a few days. We kept waiting. I went through so much crying and upset while she was still living. That by the time she passed I feel like I was already out of tears.
This is a very profound discussion. You are really good at communicating difficult realities. You should do a video on complicated grief, the grief that is complicated by guilt and regret. I think some of the worst guilt comes from just wanting the process of death to be over. Watching someone die is exhausting. I think it is natural to want the inevitable to be over. And yet we feel guilty.
In my experience with my dad dying, the anticipatory grief was even worse than the grief following his death, I remember feeling actual sharp heart pain feelings. Thank God I did not feel them after his death as I feared I would.
I'm actually in a Grief group now. My 90 yo mom has been on hospice for 1 year. But I've had anticipatory grief for years! I hope once she does cross over, I will feel a burden lifted. ❤
This is so interesting- I did not know there are grief groups for those who struggle BEFORE a loved one dies.....I will be researching this now! Thanks for your share. I, too, hope a burden will lift once this is behind us....
Yep, care givers are angels. And when the time came it was unreal. Still is my husband died late sept 2024. So hard even after already grieving 2 years 😞
My Moms been in and out of the hospital for CHF and I don’t know how much time she has left, but this is a gut punch cuz there’s no timeline no definite answer. Her defibrillator is doing its job but she’s telling me she’s going downhill. I don’t know if she’s ready, but she’s accepted her fate. I know I’m not ready, theres so much we want her to experience with my kids.
Julie, I thought I was abnormal as when my husband with alzheimers had a stroke which ended his life I couldn't and haven't cried in the year since he died. Thankyou, I thought I was a monster. X
I am going through this ,my therapist and our hospice nurse, said its a loss. Watching my young (55) husband and losing him to terminal cancer 😢 snd i feel so guilty as hes not gone😢 Oh and its 3am here ! Cant sleep
I struggle with this for my elderly mother, but she doesn't have a diagnosis and she isn't ill. It's just the fact of her ageing and weakening that I'm struggling with. And I live in terror of the day when she will pass. It's hard.
Same. I thought I was alone with my feelings caring in some way or form for my sickly mother for almost all my life. This is the first video about anticipatory grief I have ever seen. It should be talked more about as it consumes sometimes decades of many people. Thanks @hospicenursejulie, you are making people's lives better!
My dad passed Sept 3, 24 from COPD and heart failure. I was his sole caretaker and am the only child. It felt very lonesome grieving him before he passed and now feels very weird to not grieve as much because i feel like i grieved so much when he was here. But I was grieving so much before he passed i didn't spend as much time as i should have.
Wow you helping so much the guilt is killing me it good to know that it is normal.lpray to god to stop the pain and come and then feel guilty to not ask for miracles thank you thank you it time for me to let go god bless ❤ 😊 .
awesome. thank you for this wise presentation. tiny suggestion- consider not doing the zoom in zoom out thing. it makes me scroll down and just listen. which works. thank you for all the insights you share. my mother-in-law will soon be in hospice. maybe. so, her daughter, my wife, is experiencing all of this right now.
Julie, I know your channel is human-focused, but anticipatory grief occurs with beloved pets as well. I have experienced it with one of my dogs who had osteosarcoma, knowing the exact date I needed to have him 'put to sleep'. It was terrible. Everything you put out here is correct and true.
I've had this with my pets too 😢
Same here. My dog George is on palliative care and i‘m sad 😢
My cat Bingo was diagnosed with an aggressive form of Lymphoma on Tuesday. He was too weak for chemo as he had co-morbidities such as Pancreatitis and IBD. He was withering away before our eyes. I tube fed him for last 10 days of his life. We let him go on Saturday. The lead up to Saturday was torture. It felt like a countdown to his death. And the day itself was hell. It is killing me inside.
I love you Bingo, and I cannot wait to see you (and your sister Pudding) in heaven.
@@ammy1977I went through that in January with my ginger cat Simba. It was absolutely horrifible knowing that I was going to take him to be euthanased. Everyone keeps saying it's kindest for the cat. I wonder what he would have said about it.
Since August, I lost my dad and his wife I was caregiving. But, yes, my 16 yo Jack Russell is nearing the end of his journey, too. I feel like he could go anytime 😢
Julie,
My wife had a massive stroke a little over a year ago. She has aphasia and is hemiplegic on the right side. She hasn't regained any lost functions and in fact has gotten worse with emotional agitation and debilitating pain in the affected limbs. She has also acquired neurogenic bladder and bowel distinction.
I am her sole caregiver. I can't tell you how important your videos are for me.
Thank you.
Blessings as you live compassion ❤️ for and with your wife. Prayers for courage, strength and knowing you are being the most human we can be. Katy retired hospice chaplain.
You too have a hard journey.
I was a home health and hospice nurse for 20+years and found that anticipatory grief was actually very helpful to/for me. I was able to help family towards true acceptance if there was a measure of "pre-death" grieving. Believe it or not folks, but hospice nurses grieve the loss of their patients too.
I agree, I knew my husband was going to die when I could no longer care for him at home, I found a wonderful hospice home for him and they were so good to him and me. He was there 10 months but the last month I k ew he was close to the end. It killed me, my heart was so broken I could hardly breathe some days. But we ( he and I ) got through his passage to heaven. I was there 24 he that last week.
I work in healthcare ( Resp. Therapist ) I really grieved him that ten months, and it’s been 41/2 months and I still can’t get through a day without crying. We were married 57 years, I was 19 and he was 27 …he was my whole life friend and love. I was so blessed.
But early grief didn’t change the grief I still feel everyday. I will manage and go on, there is no other path. I will see him again.
My husband was sick for 18 months before he passed. When I’d become overwhelmed or really scared, I would tell myself that in this moment he was still here and that’s what I had to focus on. This simple act had a calming effect, in what was a terrible time. We definitely spent that 18 months saying “goodbye” to each other. ❤
So sorry for your loss and thank you for sharing I will try that x
We shall all die some day but when a loved one has a dire diagnosis, mortality for them appears closer 😢 than for yourself even though you may die before them.
Thank you for sharing this video. It has explained my current situation. Overwhelming sadness and inexplicable tears , fear, shame, anxiety, mental numbness, insomnia, frustration, and shots of hopelessness have been my daily fare these last three months..........Crazy.
❤❤❤
Julie. My mother passed away yesterday. I’ve been watching your content ever since they diagnosed her with terminal cancer about 3 weeks ago, and I knew what to expect through the whole thing, and knew how to help keep them comfortable. Thank you for everything you do. I know your jobs not easy.
When my dad was sick with cancer, I definitely grieved before he died. I would break down and cry a river on my way home from visiting him. I felt so bad for him that he was going through that. I loved him so much and he was a great father. He didn't deserve that horrible disease. I never felt guilty or ashamed of feeling heartbroken.
Feeling unfair or not deserving it only complicates grief. The Roman goddess, Fortuna, could bestow the goodies of life on to you or steer your life on to the rocks for any reason or for no reason at all. There is no justice in the court of Fortuna and we need to come to peace with that reality. I am watching my mother of 100 go downhill fast. I do not expect her to reach 101. My father died 3 years ago at 95. Then I felt pre grief and now I and now I am pre-grieving coming to peace with the inevitable. I am luckier than people having had old lived parents. I think those avoiding pre-grief and burying it come out worse at the other end.
I definitely feel your pain. I’ve never felt so much. Tears come and go. Praying for you and your family.
My dad died 5 months ago, of cancer too. Sending you lots love, I felt the same way as you and grieved throughout the whole process ❤
WOW. I am going through this right now! I had no idea why i was feeling the way i do. I took care of my mother for almost 4 years at home but could no longer care for her. I was getting ill myself. She is in a long term care facility about 60 miles away and i have been feeling so guilty for sending her away from me. I had to because the facilities that we have in our home town are no good, really bad reviews. She is also on hospice where she is. I do visit her at least once a week but every time i leave i keep thinking what if this, what if that. I had no udea anticipatory grief was a thing. Now i can talk to someone about it. Thank you Julie.
Thank you so much for your videos. My only sister (80 yr old) was diagnosed with cancer last year. I started watching the videos in anticipation and to know what to expect when she passed. I took her to the ER on 9/25, she died on 9/30. She had quit eating and I knew the end was close. I recognized the stages of dying and it helped so much. It’s still so hard since she was also my best friend, but I just wanted to thank you.
This, so much this, just went through this with my mom. Anger, grief, she drove me crazy and I miss the woman she was before she had dementia. Your videos helped a lot and my doctor was good about listening. I am having to take antidepressants for now to deal with everything.
I'm going through this right now, it is called the long goodbye. I am currently active in a grief support group and I am finding it very helpful. I actually felt guilty when I placed her in an assisted living facility and had to adjust to the free time that was mine. I have grieved over the last time we went grocery shopping, when she stopped driving and didn't renew her license, when I took her to the beauty shop the last time. This has been going on for years. I was attending a caregivers support group but quit going because it was too sad. Stories of this situation going on for 10 years or more were very frightening. I'm on my knees a lot these days asking for guidance, strength and relief. Clean,safe and comfy is a great solution. Thank you for the videos.
Mom passed almost 5 years ago - the result of a fall at a Memory Care Facility. I took 24/7/365 care of her for all but the last 4-1/2 months of her 7-year battle with Dementia, and YES, it IS the Long Goodbye. She was in Hospice for 8 days. The moment someone is placed in a care facility, their longtime caregiver immediately feels guilt, relief, and grief. There's just no getting around it. EVERYTHING becomes an anniversary date from that day forward. It took me about 4 years to fully process the grief and sometimes I still get a little sad. The memories, the reminders, the nightmares/night terrors, holidays, movies, music, driving, friends, and family - those are variables that can all inadvertently add to your delayed frustration and grief. It can be a daily chore to remember the good and let go of the bad, ...but, IT WILL HAPPEN, YOU WILL GET THERE. If you're able to, confront the painful memories daily, even if it's for 30 seconds at a time ...and then find a good memory and/or something to laugh about. It's natural to grieve, just remember to laugh too. Remind yourself of how far you've come AND remember that there are millions of us out here who have been in your shoes or are about to step into your shoes.
Prayer and Faith are essential to all who have walked this road. We ALL have that in common.
Prayers and best wishes to you.
@@robertl7239 Very helpful tips, thank you so much for sharing these
@@robertl7239 thank you for your support.
I grieved my father for a year 1/2 when he passed in ,I was crying all the time. When he actually did die,it was hard. I cried, my heart hurts badly. However,,my 22yr old grandson suddenly died 6 was ago. Just dropped out of the sky. I am still just devastated 😢😢. My mom turned 92 yesterday (Oct 12).She has late dementia. I pray 🙏 I won't lose my mind.
Oh Debra, poor dear, you are the living one in this circle of life, please remember that! The love you have is yours to carry forward. You too will be missed someday. Love them while they're here, as they do love you!
I’m sorry for what you’re dealing with. It’s so hard when you’re in the middle and your grief is multigenerational. You want (and need) to be there for everyone. We, too have been going through the same thing. It’s been a very difficult year. Be patient with yourself, let the tears flow, they are cleansing. If you are a person of faith, lean into your faith. Without God i don’t know where I’d be this year. Blessings to you.
I have been experiencing anticipatory grief regarding my husband's demise from poor health for probably 3 years now. I've known it was inevitable. Then thought he was going to get better from the home PD dialysis. All that did was create caregiver burnout, with lots of loudly sobbing crying fits at the other side of the house so he would not he would not hear me. Then his electrolytes became dangerously low, & back into hospital ICU. He made his decision on his own to come back home on hospice because he did not want to do anymore dialysis... he has been home now for 4 days now. I am strangely calm right now, but not sure what I will feel when he passes. Thank you for your videos Julie.
Still having a hard time. First Christmas without them, hard. Cry a lot Still. God is with me and I talk to him alot. He helps me. He knows how it hurts and holds me upright for this journey 🙏
I grieved my Mum for the whole 2 years it took for cancer to finally kill her. It was horrendous, I had nightmares about it, cried constantly, woke up every morning thinking, "Yep, my Mum is still dying", the whole shebang. I honestly thought that when she died, I would die too. I couldn't see a way forward without her in my life (she was my best friend). Yes, I know, it was all about me and it didn't help that I was 3,000 miles away during it all! But I did get to spend 2 separate months with her while she was still reasonably well, and the 5 days before she died. Then, when she died, it wasn't just a relief that she wasn't suffering anymore, it was sort of, "Oh, yes, she died, and I'm devastated and still miss her every single day, but look, I'm still here, my children need me, I have a job and the rest of my life to live, just as she would want". It was weird and unexpected!
I felt a huge relief when my dad died of cancer a few months ago. I was thankful he was finally free of it. And yes, they would want us to be happy ❤
@@Janeoffools Absolutely! We will always miss our parents, but we have to live our lives as well, and not waste them.
You are beyond awesome. I wish I had your guidance around when my folks were going through the steps of passing. Bless you.❤
Thank you so much for covering this. I'm currently eyeballs deep in anticipatory grief and this video is super helpful.
I've experienced anticipatory grief at various times throughout my life.
When I was a teenager I was very close to my grandparents and I would occasionally cry myself to sleep thinking about how sad I would be someday when they die.
My dad was diagnosed with cancer last year, and I grieved throughout that 11 month journey until he passed away in June. Since he passed, I feel very calm and the grief hasn't been as bad as I would've expected. I think it's because I did so much of the grieving ahead of time.
Just going through this now. My best friend died of stage 4 colon cancer last week. She battled for a year. I cried and cried over her progression towards death. Now that she’s passed. I am calm and not crying. I miss her and feel what she went through was so sad. Right now I’d say I’m coping better than I expected.
My hubby has pancreatic cancer and was estimated to have 6 months , he is doing ok at the 6 months mark but I have now s,arted having feelings of anxiety and you have described how I am feeling regarding tiredness.You have helped me to recognise what process, of anticipated death. I am going through. I can confirm its so important to allocate time for yourself. I walk the dog and more importantly go to my hobby group just to have a sense of normailty and to actually have fun for 2 hours. My hobby although getting harder to keep up is so imortant for my well being. Thank you for your videos I really appreciate them.
I lost my husband 2 weeks ago from pancreatic cancer, metastisized to liver, colon, lymph system etc etc. He was diagnosed in June after we thought he was having reaction to his flu shot. He lived a few days shy of 4 months. I experienced this and had so much guilt about it until seeing Julie's video.
@@ettafayetucker-odaniel4741 Im so sorry for your loss. Hubby was fine except he started itching then turned yellow, a trip tp hospital revealed the diagnosis in April. He was discharged from the hospital after he had a stent fitted to his bile duct and we've heard nothing more from them after that so we have no idea what's going on inside his body. He appears fine atm except he's lost a lot of weight and is a little weaker but thank goodness he's not in any pain atm. Julie's videos have been so helpful.
Thanks for this, Julie.
I’ve been discussing this in therapy a lot as my sister continues her battle with stage four colon cancer.
I JUST celebrated 9 years of sobriety and I’m worried about falling off the wagon after she dies (another part of anticipatory grief) .. I feel lucky to have my therapist but many don’t think to seek help before needing help.
I’m a care giver to the elderly and disabled. I advise people all the time to seek some type of professional outside help.
Platitudes are increasingly annoying during this time,so, outside professional help is necessary. .. it takes a village.
We all need a hand to hold.
Thank you for sharing this. I have had no one and have been dealing with this by myself.
My mom and I both had anticipatory grief with both of her parents. My grandfather fought a long hard battle with his diabetes and heart condition. My grandmother had dementia that quickly progressed. It was nowhere close to 10 years. I think it was maybe 3-4 years, if that. We watched both of them slowly leave us. I’ve always said that there’s really two deaths with Alzheimer’s. The first one is when it slowly steals the person you once knew from you. The second is their physical death. Neither of which is easy to deal with. The first death is where the love and memories and things you said and did with them no longer happening. Or if you have regrets of things you wanted to say and do and didn’t. That weighs on you too. The physical death is just as hard because you know it’s final. Sure they’re no longer in pain. And they’re hopefully in Gods arms and are in the company of those who went before them. But that doesn’t mean we don’t miss them. As strange as it sounds, their physical death may also bring some people relief. Relief in knowing they’re not suffering anymore. Relief in that you can finally go to sleep and not have to worry if they’re going to pass in the night. Grief is a very strange thing even as commonplace as it is.
Thank you Julie for all of these videos. I find them so helpful and informative! I have been dealing with my mom's dementia for 10 years. I wish I found you sooner than I did but am grateful for the knowledge I've gained from watching you. I feel very alone at times but when I watch you I find comfort. Thank you so much! ❤
I have thought for a long time that when dealing with a loved one with a terminal illness you do all of your grieving before they die. I’ve had this twice in my life. What I felt guilty about is that I didn’t grieve in the way that I thought you should grieve- crying and being depressed. But I realized that I had done this many times before they died. I also felt relieved when they died because it is hard to go through that kind of pain for such a long time. I had to analyze my response for a long time to understand what had happened. But it has helped me get through everything. It’s really nice to get validation for thinking that way, Julie. This is the first time I’ve heard someone else express that.
Your videos have helped me in so many ways. My grandma dying was always my #2 fear. While it wasn't easy, your videos helped me understand what was happening. Keep doing what you're doing. You will never know the ripple effect you have on people. Thank you from the bottom of my heart.
So glad you addressed this very real fact,...well spoken and felt....can make you put up emotional walls to block the known inevible loss,...but that can keep you from experiencing the time left with your loved one,...it how it was for me...
You just said, what I felt too. I still have it going through my head and he passed away the end of June.
I cared for him as he declined with Parkinson’s, by myself. All that work and chores, took away from our time. The walls. Yes. Thank you for putting in words.
I cared for my mother for 20yrs after a hospital procedure went wrong. She passed Dec 2020, I immediately became numb. Covid stopped us from being with her, though she didn't have it. Turning towards my father who was broken after 63yrs of marriage. I did my best to keep him with us. He passed 18months later. This time I made sure he was with us, where he wanted to be, home. I've not slept well for almost 4yrs. Still very numb.
Thankyou for this post, it has helped me gather my thoughts and emotions.
❤
Anticipatory grief is awful. Thank you so much for addressing this! My family member was diagnosed with ALS and I grieved for almost a year. From diagnosis to death was just about 9 months. I was a mess that whole time.
Xx
Thanks for putting a name to this grief, I experienced it for 15 years before my dad passed away in 2015 and now I am experiencing it with my mom who seems to be deteriorating by the day. This anticipatory grief helps because it prepares me as much as it can for my mother's eventual passing.
I experienced this with my mom when she started her health decline, and I was her caregiver while she was on hospice. I grieved over her way before she passed away,
and each and every one of my pets as they were declining. It's the hardest thing, I believe, that we'll ever have to go through in life .
Thank you Julie for being SO REAL, SO INFORMATIVE and SO Helpful! I’ve learned so much following you and educating myself in preparation for the inevitable in life. I have elderly parents and just had a friend’s wife pass on hospice. Thank you!
Thank you- I'm so glad you're here 💜💜
I can not tell you how much I needed to hear this particular video. Thank you Julie. 🙏
Thank you for your service, Julie! I suffered anticipatory grief with my mother who had dementia, strokes, falls, etc. We were very close and I was her main caregiver. And I was so exhausted. And the truth is, you feel relief after their death. And then you feel guilty for feeling this way. I miss my Mom every day. I really appreciate you real you are with what you teach. So helpful to those going through it.
Very good exposition on this subject. Thanks
I just want to take the time to comment (I never comment on YT) and say thank you for putting these valuable videos out. My husband has stage 4 pancreatic cancer and we are in month 13 since his diagnosis. It has been a heartbreaking journey, but you have given me so much perspective and knowledge to humanize what we’re going through. I am currently reading your book as well. Many thanks from Alaska 🙏
Arthur was on hospice, palliative, hospice for 4 years. It certainly took a toll on me. I was his 24/7 caregiver for 22 years, the last 4 were tough. While I’m glad he’s free, I sure miss him still. I always will
I had this the last 2 months while taking care of my dad on hospice for copd. He passed away 5 days ago but I feel a peace. While he was alive on hospice I was an emotional mess. I feel guilty I’m not mourning like people assume I should be. I’m just happy he’s finally free from his suffocating earthly body. I’ll see him again. 🪽🌅
Omg I am so grateful to you, my dad is on his Alzheimer's journey and I'm feeling all of these feelings. The sorrow the guilt etc..... I thought it was just me. You're fantastic. Thank you very much ❤
I'm glad to hear this. So far it has been 3 1/2 years since his stage 4 voicebox cancer. Now that the voicebox cancer is gone, it has metastasized to his lungs. Stage 4. I was thinking I was such a bad person for feeling all I'm feeling. I'm just so mentally and physically exhausted.
This is exactly what I and my family went through during Mum's Alzheimer's journey. It didn't make the moment of her death less painful. It didn't make her funeral less sorrowful. But it did let us "move on" in a much healthier way. My brother and I weren't sure if Dad was going to be with us long after losing the love of his life, but now, 8 years later, we just celebrated his 98th birthday, with all grey cells in working order. And he's only just gone into aged care. We have a lot to be thankful for.
I used to watch your videos when my dad was dying. He left us on 9/26 after months, probably even years of serious suffering. Anticipatory grief was excruciating, so is actual grief.... Finally got myself to watch you again
Wonderful, video! Wish I had had this the four years of caring for and watching my elderly father deteriorate after the tragic death of my mother, zero help from siblings. Could have really used a truly caring hospice nurse like you!❤ ours was terrible.
What you said makes sense because I do feel guilty after being irritated and having many nights I can't sleep untill 3-4am
Thanks Julie.
You were right on with these things.
I did not see your videos before my wife died, but watching them now are showing me that I did most of the things right, and that helps with my grief now. ❤️
Thank you so very much for sharing ❤
Yes was with my sister on Tuesday. I was mad, an angry, losted. She died peaceful surrounded by family and friends
I feel at times I could have done more. My mom passed in Feb 2024. I had so much guilt even though I knew I did as much as I could. There are times I feel like what could have I been better at? My mom in her last days went pretty fast. She was getting so agitated and angry that I just prayed for God to take her so she wouldnt be in pain. I felt guilty about that also. Did anyone else ever feel that way?
@@TerryPayne-e6m yes absolutely Happened with my mom And now with my dad. It's no quality of life when they are 100% dependable on someone or in pain like my mom
I had anticipatory grief with my mom who died of Alzheimer’s. I really didn’t grieve much or long after she was gone because I had already done it PLUS I knew that everything that made her herself had already gone before her body died
I was going to comment, ...a big thank you. CKD took my love March 8 of this year. We lived, loved and fought TOGETHER. I'LL SEE YOU AGAIN! R.I.P 🙏🌹❤️😇
I experienced this with my son’s long illness. But the grief of ultimately losing him is unbelievably devastating
One of the ladies in the bereavement group I go to is going through this. It's just terrible. In some ways, those of us who have already lost our loved one are luckier, the worst is over, their suffering has ended, but she still has it all coming 😢
Thank you Julie I have never heard this mentioned or discussed before, this is so helpful as it explains so much of how I am feeling now as my partner is undiagnosed but has all the signs of progressive dementia which is very scary . Thanks again for all you do
Thank you so much for this video. My husband has Parkinson's with dementia and is now in a care home. You have answered so many questions for me. He may not be the same man i married, but he is still my husband and i love him dearly.
Same here. I tell mine that he is more than just his molecules
Deborah my name too, I hope you are doing better
& God Bless you❤Deborah (Debbie) Texas
I did that for my Mom when she was diagnosed with Dementia. She went to live with my brother the last 6 months 2 hours away from me. Every time i visited her at his house she had changed as it got worse. The last time i saw her she still remembered who i was. I was with her when she passed away and a few days later i got the call from my brother while at work and rushed to be with her and she passed away that night at 11:06pm. She was already unconcious when I got to the Hospice home. It's traumatic even when you know they are dying.
Thank you, Julie. Love your videos. This one was for me, for sure!
My husband came home from hospital 5 years ago on palliative care to die. He's still with us. He has dialysis 3 x a week. He's had 7 heart attacks and has right sided heart failure. Grief has been for the relationship we had. For the lifestyle changes and the responsibility of us falling totally on my shoulders. I grieve for the day he finally leaves me. And the anger I have that we are going through this. I have carers,we have children and grandchildren. I have lost me. I enjoy your videos 😊
Thank you for your precious advice and your empathy and understanding. You are a real angel ❤
Excellent video. Thank you! Dealing with 41 yr old daughter with end stage disease. Feeling this anticipatory grief on a daily basis. Thanks for the suggestions on ways to handle it.
Boy, do I know first hand about this! I felt as though I wanted to try and soften the blow when it's eventually happened, but there's no way to be emotionally prepared for it. It's not what I imagined. I would say over and over dad's dead and try and relate to that fact as to prepare for when it really happened. With my dad, I saw him decline physically due to health problems and the fact that he was an alcoholic. With my mom, I started to grieve ten years before she died, when she was fine. It's because on average wives usually live around ten years longer than thier husbands as a whole. So I had started to count down the years, and the closer it got, the more emotionally I tried to prepare myself. And damn it! sure enough, my mom had gotten Cancer and had died of congestive heart failure ten years later. I never felt guilty for having these feelings because it wasn't about me. My focus was solely on my parents.
I went thru this with both my mom and dad. He had Parkinson's. She had dementia. It actually eased the death for me...... I knew the end was coming and when they died it was a relief as their life here was lousy. And mine was too.
Sending you love
@@hospicenursejulie I think I'm about done losing old folks. It's just me now and my brother and sister..... we had one rotten year we lost my dad and both their parents. 2005. I still enjoy your vids. So what is up with your fella????!!!!
Julie, thank you for talking about this. I was told by a grief support group that I was suffering from ‘anticipatory grief’ re my former spouse, who passed away last year. Now it’s focused on my parents who are in their mid to late 90s and are getting worse almost every day. Thank you for addressing this issue-it has truly helped me. Blessings, Marianne 😇❤️ 5:05
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I lost my mother two weeks ago. She was 103, and dementia had stolen everything from her during the last five years of her life. I’m grieving but realize that I had been grieving and missing her for five years. I felt guilty over the last years, and now feel guilty that I feel some sense of relief that she has passed. It really is a strange cycle of feelings.
I’m so glad you brought this up. I moved in with Dad 5.5 years ago to help him with his wife, Claudia, who had Alzheimer’s. I couldn’t shake the grief all along. Watched my Dad deteriorate because he spent his days holding her hand when she was bedridden for the past 26 months. I grieved with him in my own way. He just passed @ 8 weeks ago. She joined him 7 weeks later. I lost my dad when she came home (she was in memory care until she broke her hip) and now I’m grieving both of them. But I also, as a caregiver, grieved my loss of freedom. As I navigate the new season of my life, I know this will lift. And I’m stronger for it.❤
Thank you for validating the grief of loss of your own freedom. It gave me words to what I was feeling but too guilty to say it out loud to myself.....
thank you SO much for this episode. mom is in the later stage of dementia and I have been seeing a counselor for 5 years and you are spot-on about the grieving process. i feel guilt about not doing more with my mother when she was younger. i finally asked for help and have home healkth aides coming in 7 days a week. unfortunately we have to move to an area where home care is a maximum 0f a few hours 2 times a week.
I agree completely. I nursed my mum through Alzheimer’s for over 10 years. Though single, I avoided romantic relationships through that period, 1, because I didn’t really have time, but 2, I didn’t want to put myself in a situation where I might be torn between looking after her, and spending time with AN other, or even worse, wishing I no longer had the caring responsibilities. I have a little dog, and my daily walks with her were my ‘time out’ - even in the rain!
‘Clean, safe and comfortable’ was my mantra for her for many of those years!
Now that little dog is aging, and I am getting those familiar feelings, again!
My hubby has end-stage emphysema, pulmonary hypertension and possibly CHF (we'll find out more in a few weeks). I'm not a medical person, but I love science, and so I read as many research papers as possible about his illnesses and test results. It helps me stay grounded. But still, the grief is real, and it's a tough one to cope with. I appreciate your shows. Thank you
Thank you for sharing your heart and being so honest about the grief and struggle you are facing. I can only imagine how heavy this season must feel for you as you care for your husband and try to process the uncertainty ahead. It’s clear how deeply you love him and how much effort you’re putting into understanding his needs and the challenges he’s facing.
In moments like this, it’s natural to feel overwhelmed by the weight of it all. But I want to encourage you: there is true and lasting comfort available in Jesus Christ. He sees your heartache and offers you His peace and presence in the midst of the storm.
"Come to me, all who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest." (Matthew 11:28)
The comfort Jesus offers isn’t just a fleeting feeling-it’s the assurance that we are deeply loved and never alone, no matter what we face. When we place our trust in Him and are born again, He fills us with His Holy Spirit, giving us the strength and peace to endure even the hardest of trials.
To be born again means to surrender our lives to Jesus, turning from sin and placing our faith in His sacrifice for us. It’s through this act of faith that we are transformed, receiving a new heart and the assurance of eternal life. This is the greatest hope we can hold onto: that Jesus has made a way for us to be with Him forever, free from pain and sorrow.
"Jesus answered, 'Truly, truly, I say to you, unless one is born again he cannot see the kingdom of God.'" (John 3:3)
A Prayer for Comfort and Salvation
Here is a prayer you can pray today:
Lord Jesus, I feel overwhelmed by the weight of this season. I don’t have all the answers, but I want to place my trust in You. I know You are the source of true comfort and hope, and I ask You to come into my life. Please forgive me of my sins and make me new. Fill me with Your Holy Spirit, Lord, and guide me as I walk through this difficult time. Give me strength, peace, and the assurance of Your love. Thank You for Your sacrifice and for offering me eternal life. I surrender my heart to You. In Jesus’ name, Amen.
Friend, Jesus cares deeply for you and your husband. He wants to walk alongside you in this journey, offering you His strength and peace. You don’t have to carry this burden alone-lean on Him, and let His Spirit comfort and sustain you.
I’m praying for you and your husband, God bless
You are a blessing beyond measure. Thank you.
Thank you for this video
Great advice.Never knew all these things.Thanks a lot.God bless you dear.
You explain things well
I went through this with my cat. His health slowly got worse over about 10 months and I knew he wasn't going to get better. He wasn't diagnosed as having a terminal illness but I just knew he was dying. I don't know how, but I did. I knew he had cancer even though vets were saying there was no concrete evidence. I went through so much anticipatory grief and my (now ex) partner was so sick of it.
A few days before I had him put to sleep this past February, the vet found a mass on his liver.
I knew it was cancer all along and no one believed me. The pain of grief was unimaginable but so was the pain of knowing that I was right. 💔
Another excellent video Julie.
I was diagnosed with stage iv lung cancer (metastasized to brain) back in July. I'm currently undergoing immunotherapy, which will only buy me time.
Is there like, a flip side to this that the afflicted person suffers? I'll be leaving behind my younger brother, which pains me. We haven't really talked about it but I've been really conscious that he's gonna be alone. He admitted once that he's really confused. I'm getting ready to start seeing a palliative doc and I'll be setting things up with this new doc for my brother, John, to be able to reach out to this doc after my death. I'm doing what I can, while I can, to provide my brother support. For all I know, he may not need it and I'm just projecting how I would feel if our positions were reversed.
At any rate, I've done all i can to make this as fuss free as possible. I have my paperwork in order, discussed things with my doc and medical powers of attorney, have life insurance, discussed funeral arrangements with a local funeral home, made will.
Yes. My Mother In Law has lived with us since covid began over 4 years ago but is now in Hospice (at our home) for about 3 weeks now. Her daughter, my wife is communicating things to me that tells me she is acknowledging her mother's impending death. Her Mom may live for a long while considering her current health is not dire in many respects but she is declining mentally faster now than ever b4 so the signs are there that things are going to be changing more dramatically in the very near future. I appreciate you covering this as it is very pertinent for us and I suspect many others at this time. Many thanks Julie.
We feel it as we decline, too, for ourselves and our loved ones... 😮💨🙏🙏
Thank you this is so validating, I can get a bit of clarity of that whole situation
Julie, yesterday I asked a question about chemo versus hospice care in stage 4 prostate cancer. It's a recent comment on your prostate cancer info video. Please give your opinion after looking at the comment. He will be deciding soon about this important topic. Thank you so much for all your help for us. You were a huge help to me during my mother's final illness! ♥️♥️♥️
Oh my goodness Julie, never has there been a truer post made on UA-cam. I was a busy NP. My 83yr old mum was frail but had been getting frailer for a long time. Hubby was made redundant. They adored each other except someone swapped out my husband fora crotchety horror who took his moods out on mum. A thing he would never have done as he loved her like his own mum and we lived with mum. Happily and contentedly. I had a wonderful relationship with the best mum anyone could have. We just adored each other and I loved her more than life itself.
Then 9 months before she passed we argued and argued, I’d say to hubby god forgive me but she’d be better gone as she has no life now. Then I’d get home and be horrible. I did not at any point see she was dying, never ever. She went into hospital with a chest infection and 5hen broke her arm because they didn’t put cot sides up and she fell out of bed. She was acutely confused because of the infection
I was then told she was going to rehab in a nursing home and then out of the blue they told me it was palliative care she was in for, not rehab. I was devastated and 2 days late4 she died as I was on the way to go up and be with her. No one has any idea about how much I despite and hate myself. For 13 years I’ve grieved non stop, stuck grief is what the counsellor called it. I despise 5hat the person I loved most in the world died when I didn’t see it and I was horrid to her, a thing I’d never been.
Thanks Julie and sorry for letting all this out
Thank you.
When my Mother was in hospice I went the other way. Thinking about how happy her family will be when she arrives.
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The moment my dad passed I was happy knowing he was reunited with his mother and finally free from his crippled body. I love him so much and that will never leave me ❤
My 93 year old grandpa has been on his last days at a nursing home for almost two weeks from advanced cancer, and my 16 year old cat just died last week too. I feel shame because I have been cried out over my grandpa, he started his decline about a year and a half ago and I've been through so much of that grief. Our cat was sudden and unexpected and I haven't been able to stop crying about it.
@@raeraebadfingers ❤️ I understand. I'm sorry you are going through this. {Hugs}
@@traceyellison7038 thank you go your kindness, I appreciate you
I did this with my grandma. She went to the hospital and was told either dialysis or she won’t make it passed 7-10 days. She never wanted dialysis. We put her on hospice. First few days she was doing pretty good. Family coming to see her. Then she went out basically. For a few days. We kept waiting. I went through so much crying and upset while she was still living. That by the time she passed I feel like I was already out of tears.
Thanks Julie, this video was timely. I know this stuff, but sometimes we need to hear it from someone else to remind us.
Thank you for being here and supporting 💕
This is a very profound discussion. You are really good at communicating difficult realities. You should do a video on complicated grief, the grief that is complicated by guilt and regret. I think some of the worst guilt comes from just wanting the process of death to be over. Watching someone die is exhausting. I think it is natural to want the inevitable to be over. And yet we feel guilty.
In my experience with my dad dying, the anticipatory grief was even worse than the grief following his death, I remember feeling actual sharp heart pain feelings. Thank God I did not feel them after his death as I feared I would.
Yes. Thank you. 😢😢😢😢😢
Thank you for this! 🕊
Thank you for this video. My husband has FTD and it has been quite a challenge! Thank you!
I'm actually in a Grief group now. My 90 yo mom has been on hospice for 1 year. But I've had anticipatory grief for years! I hope once she does cross over, I will feel a burden lifted. ❤
This is so interesting- I did not know there are grief groups for those who struggle BEFORE a loved one dies.....I will be researching this now! Thanks for your share. I, too, hope a burden will lift once this is behind us....
@@elbee1290 thank you. You're very kind. I wish you the best.
Thank you ❤ that was so helpful and validating.
Yep, care givers are angels. And when the time came it was unreal. Still is my husband died late sept 2024. So hard even after already grieving 2 years 😞
Thank you a very helpful video for me at the moment.
I'm already grieving my lost lide 😢
My Moms been in and out of the hospital for CHF and I don’t know how much time she has left, but this is a gut punch cuz there’s no timeline no definite answer. Her defibrillator is doing its job but she’s telling me she’s going downhill. I don’t know if she’s ready, but she’s accepted her fate. I know I’m not ready, theres so much we want her to experience with my kids.
Julie, I thought I was abnormal as when my husband with alzheimers had a stroke which ended his life I couldn't and haven't cried in the year since he died. Thankyou, I thought I was a monster. X
I am going through this ,my therapist and our hospice nurse, said its a loss. Watching my young (55) husband and losing him to terminal cancer 😢 snd i feel so guilty as hes not gone😢
Oh and its 3am here ! Cant sleep
I struggle with this for my elderly mother, but she doesn't have a diagnosis and she isn't ill. It's just the fact of her ageing and weakening that I'm struggling with. And I live in terror of the day when she will pass. It's hard.
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Same. I thought I was alone with my feelings caring in some way or form for my sickly mother for almost all my life. This is the first video about anticipatory grief I have ever seen. It should be talked more about as it consumes sometimes decades of many people. Thanks @hospicenursejulie, you are making people's lives better!
My dad passed Sept 3, 24 from COPD and heart failure. I was his sole caretaker and am the only child. It felt very lonesome grieving him before he passed and now feels very weird to not grieve as much because i feel like i grieved so much when he was here. But I was grieving so much before he passed i didn't spend as much time as i should have.
Wow you helping so much the guilt is killing me it good to know that it is normal.lpray to god to stop the pain and come and then feel guilty to not ask for miracles thank you thank you it time for me to let go god bless ❤ 😊 .
This went for my beloved dog of 18 years also…. So not just humans 😢
I am here and it's heartbreaking 💔 my husband is terminal and it's just awful 😢
awesome. thank you for this wise presentation. tiny suggestion- consider not doing the zoom in zoom out thing. it makes me scroll down and just listen. which works. thank you for all the insights you share. my mother-in-law will soon be in hospice. maybe. so, her daughter, my wife, is experiencing all of this right now.