NARCISSISTS AND BOUNDARIES
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- Опубліковано 11 вер 2023
- #narcissist #boundaries Setting boundaries with narcissists can distort our view of what it should be like to set boundaries in respectful relationships. When narcissists turn the simplest acts of communication into a battle, it can be easy to forget that some people actually want to respect our boundaries.
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The lack of respect is one thing, the Intentional Disrespect is Unacceptable!
That's a really good way to find out if someone is a narcissist.
People who are less narcissistic will at least allow you to set
boundaries, even if they don't like it, but narcissists will
try to stomp all over your boundary to establish "dominance".
because one way a narcissist try to dominate/control you is that you
are forced to respect their boundary but not vice versa.
YES!! Recently I made two new friends who disrespected my boundaries over & over. I felt uncomfortable right away and kept saying no - their true colors came out! Guilt trips, lovebombing, bossing, never taking no for an answer, not caring how I feel! I was done wuth these fake friends quickly 🙏❤️🙏 My proudest moment to be finished with being used.
Yes!
Say "no" or "no, thank you." Even to something small.
And see what their reaction is. Do they press you to change your mind?
Then try saying, "Are you uncomfortable with my 'no'? I hope to be as polite as I am clear. Is that coming across?"
"Sometimes, when I answer in a wishy-washy way, trying to people please in the moment, I wind up being unclear and making people uncomfortable later. So, I'm just ripping it off now like a band aid so your plans won't seem muddy later. I wonder if you need clarity more than you need me to be polite or agreeable when it comes to making plans together. I'd rather be clear now than bow out later and disappoint you.
It's a bummer I won't be able to do XYZ with you now, but maybe we can try ABC together later instead? I trust that you're a grown up so I know you can manage the disappointing feelings without guilt tripping me. Phew! Thanks so much for that respect. I'll reciprocate soon, I'm sure."
I feel the narcs mission in life is too , make you look bad , feel bad , sound bad .
Next time you say "no, thanks" and they pushback with Fear, Obligation, or Guilt (to FOG your emotions so you don't make a clear headed decision for yourself), if they have a habit of pushback, lean in slowly, with your forehead aimed between their eyes, looking down towards them with eyebrows raised, lower your voice to almost a whisper, and respond:
"Ooooooh, do you have an issue with boundaries?" Like you're genuinely curious or just catching onto their secret weakness ;o)
See how they react - are they respectful from then on? Huff off in a rage? Yell and throw a fit like a toddler?
Or are they pleasantly respectful from then on, making correction to their behavior?
Narcs and psychos take everything they can and push boundaries as far as they possibly can. Just defend yourself with all strength.
The problem is not in setting boundaries but in enforcing them. For whatever reason people think that setting boundaries is enough.
"If you swear in front of our children, the children and I will leave the room." Then when they stomp all over your boundaries to protect your children, you gather the littles and leave the room. "We can see you'd rather be alone to process that frustration. No worries. We'll see you in a few minutes or half hour or after we go do my errands."
That’s a great example! And then continue leaving with no further explanation as they complain about it.
Setting boundaries with narcissistic it like challenging them to break it
Just say NO of there any request
About 6 months ago my (recently ex) narc boyfriend and I were at dinner with my parents. We were sitting at the restaurant bar in front of like 3 bartenders, and he decided he was going to tell my parents a joke that I knew was offensive and racist. I told him please no, don’t tell it, just stop, because I didn’t want to be embarrassed or uncomfortable. So he didn’t tell the joke. Later that night he was mad at me for stopping him and not letting him tell the joke. Two days ago when he ended the relationship he threw it in my face and said again I wouldn’t let him be himself. Meanwhile whenever I would get upset and defensive in response to him saying something mean or hurtful to me, because I reacted and pushed back instead of just letting him say whatever he wanted, he would get mad at me and tell me how there’s something wrong with me, and he would punish me by acting like he would leave and end the relationship until I would chase after him and beg him to stay.
He also would pinch my cheek hard and insist that it was a sign of affection like his Italian aunts did to him and when I said don’t do it, it hurts, he kept doing it and said I should let him because in Italian families that’s how they show love. I told him to stop and he stopped for a while but then started it again. It’s like your comparison to the situation where people greet each other by punching each other in the face.
None of my boundaries mattered. I should have ended the relationship a long time ago and I continued it hoping things would improve. Then he dumped me. It’s not even the first time, he flipped out on me at my parents house on Christmas, made a scene, dumped me, left in an Uber. A week later he called me and we were back together.
I’m now grieving this horrible relationship that I was treated badly in. I don’t understand. It’s so confusing. There was so much gaslighting and him accusing me of cheating and doing things I was never doing. It was so painful. I just want the pain to stop.
I am binge watching your videos. Thank you. They are so helpful.
The longer you stay out of it, the clearer things become. You have to have faith in your confusion that you’re on the right track, and you are! You can recover from this.
Thank you so much! @@LookingBehindtheMirror
Oh that person did you a huge favor breaking up. Huge!
Some other great UA-cam resources:
- Dr. Ramami Durvasala, pro counselor / autnor
- Dr. Less Carter, pro counselor
- Terri Cole, professional counselor / author
- Kris Godinez, pro counselor, of We Need To Talk vlog
- Dan O'Connor, professional communications coach
These are my top 5 that helped me.
It doesn't matter if they have a diagnosis or what you call your "difficult people" or narcs... What matters is you can pull the focus and responsibility for your life and choices and options back to you.
To figure out how to get yourself back after that. How to set up a life you love that energizes you. No one can sense that out for you but you.
That breakuo will save you so much time in anguish! Minimize contact to minimize drama.
But they'll sense it, you pull away, and they want to reassert control over you or your life.
So stay strong by staying away.
When I'm conversing with my toddlers while they're upset - if I get upset with them, I muddy the waters on the sense of authority I have over myself let alone in their lives, but if I kind of stay above the fray of their upset or beside it without getting drawn in to emotional compromise, then I'm more likely to be able to help them solve their issue or comfort them through it.
If I react rather than respond, I'll fuel the drama, tantrum, or scene of meltdown. But if I pause for a moment of clarity, then I can recollect myself and act in accordance with my own values easier.
You know why folks melt down? They feel like they're on fire.
Don't burn up with them in that emotional upheaval.
Take a step back from the smoke or duck to breathe for a minute before you proceed out the door.
@@CurlyQxyzI second LBTM on this. The farther out you get from the relationship, your mind WILL clear. My narc ex gf broke up with me because she “wanted to be alone” and “heal from her trauma”. Really what she wanted was to run to her ex bf from 15 years ago that has money, as I discovered later. She hid so much from me, and even hid me on social media. She promised in the first year of our relationship to get a divorce, which she never did, so I never considered moving to her state because of it. That was one of my boundaries. Now she seems marriage minded with this recycled relationship with her ex, who she continued to stay in regular contact with throughout her marriage as well as our relationship (another thing I discovered later). I went no contact 30-31 weeks ago.
All this to say: I get you. I hear you and I COMPLETELY understand. All the things your ex bf did were not cool at all. I happen to know (and have known) some Italians/people with Italian backgrounds in my life, and what he told you is crap. They don’t pinch your cheeks hard enough to hurt you, and they definitely aren’t racist joke aficionados.
I’m so very sorry that you went through all this. Neither of us deserved what happened to us. It’s kinda like in the beginning when I told my narc ex gf that I wouldn’t be perfect and I would make mistakes in our relationship because I’m human and not perfect. “You’re perfect for me” she responded. Yeah, guess that *might* have been the case until you got your ex bf lined up. Wonder if she ever got that divorce?
We are all here for you. I hope and pray that you heal from this VERY soon.
I state several boundaries at the start of any relationship, such as no calls after 9 pm. If ignored I end the relationship at the start. Narcissists really do see boundaries as an act of aggression towards them. Their entitlement is astounding and they truly expect you to sacrifice your well being so they can feel good.
I Said: stop beeing part of my life. Good luck… this I did after 3 circles!! And 4,5 years wasted love Energie, time, and lost discussion!!!
In the last few years, I have been learning that I have rights: to what I feel, think, value, prefer and remember. High-conflict persons cannot define me and/or my reality. This video was very helpful, and wonderfully stated. Thank you for your empathy and clarity.
Queen of analogies. 😊❤
Begging pardon for my French, but I've found that boundaries work much more effectively for me when I pronounce them "Hey- don't FUCK with me!"
Once we pin the tail on the narcissist's ass, we leave it there and mosey off 🫤
Very important topic! I was able to enforce boundaries and as a result, the rages increased and the projection started to become less potent. His tantrums became more and more obviously like a child.
For your audience - there is a great UA-camr who is a pro communicator named Dan O'Connor. His videos offer scripts and body language that can be effective with "difficult people" in the workplace... Or wherever.
I also love the work of Terri Cole. She is a pro counselor and she focuses less on the narc and more on refocusing on you, claiming yourself by taking responsibility for how to form boundaries you can back up before things get out of hand.
Just excellent the whole way through the talk !!! One forced benefit the N relationship provided is an evolving beyond your wildest dreams of interpersonal awareness. At first it is to discern experience. In affects its validation. In the after affects zone, it is exponential growth of self. I don't think that is a pat on the back but a relief of the past, the relax of now and the vision of automatic boundarys in future not compromised by wants. Illusory Truth Effects seen and unimpressive.
You put out some of the best content on narcissism I've seen. Thank you so much.
My ex narc got mad at me because I said no when he wanted me to call in to work sick and go to the beach with him because I need my job and I don’t call in sick when I’m not. In fact he got butt hurt every time I said no about anything because he felt like he couldn’t control me.
17:45 That profoundly hit me. Thank you.
This is spot on. No never meant no to my ex. Only arrest got his attention.
The arrest was the enforcement of the boundaries. Saying NO means nothing without real consequences if the boundaries are crossed.
@@1RPJacob That's it exactly.
The No.1 rule is to treat others in the same way that you would want others to treat you. Narcissists feel entitled, and so therefore live by double standards. The moment that you have to express boundaries in your relationship because your significant other is doing something that they wouldn't tolerate you doing to them, that's a huge red flag. That's a indication of entitlement and a lack of empathy 😮
amazing! you do the best videos -your naturally talented! i dont even hear this from top therapists!1 thank you!
I love your content!! It gets me in the heads of these narcs (which is empty and weird). I totally see how Little Shaman informed your work - whereas she summarizes things brilliantly, you give the examples and feelings behind those concepts!! You two should collaborate!!! Thank you for helping me understand and stay no contact from a big narc family that feels like the mafia!! I got out ❤😂😅😊❤
Congratulations!! And thank you for such compliments.
@@LookingBehindtheMirror ❤️❤️❤️
Got out of such thing too!!!
@@tathe3786 Great job! This channel answers all the questions in my head about “why?” I always stay one step ahead of the narcs knowing how they think!
Have you done a video on whether narcissists know they are narcissists? Especially covert and malignant narcissists who hide their abuse and are very calculated. If not, I would love to hear your opinion on this! Again, brilliant work, you could easily be a professional!
Thank you for this cool video!
This fella who i invited for food and a talk, who has been depressed just sat with his eyes downcast and when i tried to find out about whats been going on would not answer me, then after all that he turned it around on me and said i should go gey some hwlp, he turnedno, hw made it about me, so he wouldn't have to be honest and tell me what was going on with him! He is selfish, he doesn't ask me what i would like to watch on my tablet in my home when i am providing food, entertainment, conversation, thats why he is depressed because he only thinks of himself i thought!
Very helpful ❤
🙏🏻 🌟 🙏
Hello! 😂Wanted to get this off my chest, i have 2 npd sisters, i went no contact with youngest , but i couldn't bring myself to go no contact with other, we talk on phone very little but yesterday i rang her which i don't do often, i had a problem with my ragdoll cat, when i got off phone i felt terrible it wasn't anything she said it was the vibe of utter contempt or hatred that i tuned into, absolutely horrific, I've felt this many times over the years but this was so much worse, it might be that i am more aware, i wont ring her again, i had to take medication as i felt so dreadful, what did i do, nothing, in the background of her words was this dull inhuman depression or unhappiness, its just all dull, with no expression or care, she was just annoyed by me and said more or
less are you finished, words to that effect, definitely hates me beabecause i have nothing she can use anymore, I am on to her and my other sister, it would be great if you spoke of this, in your videos, if you have ever come across this!
Thanks for all your help😂❤!
❤❤❤❤❤
Change your oil every 3000 miles or six months. Unless you want to buy a new car.
Hahaha. I’m terrible at this, literally.
@@LookingBehindtheMirrorlove your channel. Thanks. But seriously get it done. It’s the literal life blood of the engine.