My simple eye contact rules, when you’re feeling social anxiety
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- Опубліковано 7 сер 2024
- Here is my advice about eye contact. I get a lot of questions about eye contact from people with social anxiety-and they are often surprised by what I tell them. We need to understand why it’s a problem, and then focus on what to do. I outline my view of the eye contact rules, to help reduce performance demands and the belief that we’re doing something wrong. Having simple rules is important when the threat system shuts down our natural social engagement abilities. Surprisingly, the key to eye contact is signaling that you recognize and care about the other person, and this focus on helping others is a key piece of shifting out of social anxiety.
If you are interested, you can get a lot more in-depth information on treatment techniques in my new social anxiety book here: geni.us/DatingWithoutFear
We'll talk about:
0:00 - UA-cam question
0:41 - WHY eye contact is so hard in social anxiety
1:50 - The pros and cons of reduced eye contact
2:41 - We DON’T want direct eye contact
4:03 - Eye contact rules when listening
4:59 - Eye contact rules when speaking
6:08 - The emphasis of compassion in eye contact
7:28 - My book is out :)
I'm Dr. Thomas Smithyman, a clinical psychologist making videos to help people overcome social anxiety.
QUESTION - Have a question about anything related to social anxiety? Post in the comments section of this video.
MY BOOK
Out now: geni.us/DatingWithoutFear
ONLINE GROUP THERAPY
I’m co-leading an online self-compassion group with Marianne Stout, PhD. Open to TX residents.
www.anxietyaustin.com/groups/...
ONLINE THERAPY
I'm not currently accepting new patients for online therapy.
INSTAGRAM
Follow me here: / socialanxietyequation
PODCASTS
📱 Subscribe and Listen to the Anxious in Austin Podcast here::
Apple: podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast...
Spotify: open.spotify.com/show/4xUWe9A...
Subscribe to my channel Here: / @drthomassmithyman
My mission here is to use video to help people overcome social anxiety. Most people with social anxiety never seek help, and those who do usually wait 16 years! Treatment is effective but people don't know about it. I'd like that to change, and I'd really appreciate any help.
PLEASE READ
If you or someone you know is in immediate danger, please call a local emergency telephone number or go immediately to the nearest emergency room. do I
Your explanation made me automatically feel less awkward making eye contact
The first person to explain eye contact to me
I’m the opposite. I avoid eye contact to make others feel non threatened by me, to make them feel more comfortable. In turn it makes me look weak, but knowing I’m not, I’m okay with their judgements.
Exactly my man . Got no issues with myself but i avoid making eye contact to avoid offending people
Thank you, well stated. I never knew if glancing away while talking to someone else was a negative trait and now I know it’s not!
I always feel so self-conscious that I can't make eye contact while I am talking to someone. Thank you for letting me know that's normal. I'm so relieved to know it's okay. I just can't talk while looking at their eyes. I do check in when I stop and look at their eyes. And I do look at their eyes when I'm listening.
This explains so much. Thank you. I have SA all my life and after 36 years and few years of therapy and medication I am getting better. I am definitely not cured. I feel it's just part of me, but I'm beginning to accept and love myself.
it’s not part of you, it’s just something you’re experiencing. i currently face it too but i know i can get better, i wish you goodluck 🤍
I struggled a lot my whole life feeling bad not being able to talk while staring at people. It's too hard just to be able to convey my turbulent mind to others 😂
Thank you for this video ❤
@@zyadz2207 it helped me to reduce the remorsefulness of not being able to speak while looking in the eye, but I'm still me, it's still harder to look in the eye, especially when I have high levels of anxiety/energy.
I’ve got another question. I know a big part of social anxiety is a low self esteem. What are ways of increasing self esteem to help treat anxiety?
You don’t become confident by shouting affirmations in the mirror, but by having a stack of undeniable proof that you are who you say you are.
Outwork your self doubt.
Great question and analysis, writing down your strengths and achievements will help your self esteem, some people may have to work on building both to improve their self esteem
People do not lie when they say the only way to develop a healthy self steem is to progressively face your fears, your anxiety, in that way, your view of yourself change over time. Affirmations don't work, I know for experience.
Exercise
Self esteem = self respect. You have to do things that make you respect yourself. So get after it.
Thank you so much. You explained something so basic that has always gone over my head!
I have to opposite problem. I have a tendency to make full eye contact because I thought all eye contact was the same. Thank you for making this video so I can help make other people feel even more comfortable when talking to me!
I hate eye contact. I want to ask people "Why do you feel the need to stare at me without blinking" So creepy.
This!
I made a comment on your Channel a month ago about eye contact so it might have been my comment you saw. Thank you!!!!!
Wow, seriously, the best explanation of eye contact I have ever read. Thank you. What a relief not to have to worry too much about eye contact during talking…
I'm so glad I found your channel...great information.....
This is great thank you. Understanding the science or rules helps make it feel a lot less out of control
Awesome points!
Thanks. Great content. Genuine compared to many other.
Thank you for the explanation! You've got another subscriber here
This is so helpful, thanks so much 👏
I like this channel. I appreciate the groundedness about the topic.
This helped a lot, thanks 😊
Thank you, this makes me feel a lot better, knowing it’s not just me who is the problem. There are a few people who stare directly into my eyes when they are talking, and I don’t know what to do with my eye contact when they do that because I do want to show attention but not stare into their eyes constantly. I was confused thinking I was the problem, and feeling bad because I turn red as a result of all that eye contact
Thank you so much that helped me a whole lot ❤
You’re absolutely Amazing ❤
Thank u for this!
I'm not a health professional, and the group I represent is purely a peer support group, but I wonder if we're mixing perceptions here... The submissive belief in my opinion comes from the one observing the mannerisms. As someone who used to look away rather than making eye contact I would like to share my take on it (and all I'm saying is this is why I did it, and maybe others can relate). Rather than trying to hold eye contact which feels uncomfortable it's easier to change the visual focus while still engaging in the verbal communication (e.g. looking down/away etc.) while perhaps looking up occassionally so that the person talking doesn't feel you are being rude. The reason for this behaviour is one, feeling self-conscious and secondly not being certain how one should be behaving in conversations (how much eye contact is enough). Now there may be many reasons for the uncomfortableness/self-consciousness, but an easy fix to re-program the mind as to how someone should engage in conversation from a eye contact perspective is by encouraging or putting the struggler into a position where they have to explain something (and to someone they feel comfortable around is key here) and the natural thing that person has to do is to check for understanding (watching/observing that their words are being understood). Now this can be a really fun exercise which should somewhat take the focus away from eye contact to where it needs to be (actively engaging in healthy conversation). Hope this somewhat explains it, and I welcome thoughts and opinions. 🙂
Thank you 🙏
Thanks
I’ve two questions:
1. Any suggestions on how to focus on the other person during conversation when your thoughts won’t let go of self observation? I practice mindful meditation but such is my intense social anxiety that all mindful skills go out the window at such times!
2. I struggle to express curiosity towards others as I’m fearful of coming across nosey or overstepping. I actually hate talking about myself (fear of shame exposure I suppose) but I struggle to feel able to be curious towards others in case I impinge their privacy. It’s a balance I don’t know where to begin with. What’s safe to ask and what isn’t? If you don’t ask questions with sufficient depth then it’s too superficial for a connection to form, yet if you ask too deep a question it may come across as rude or a privacy impingement!
Are you me? 😂 I resonate a ton with both questions and things you struggle with. The self-observation thing when you feel like you can’t be present around other people cause your putting yourself in their eyes, not really an easy thing to free yourself of if you struggle with it a lot, and makes listening and flowing conversations hard because your not fully present. As for second point I feel that so much as well, I filter out most questions that come to mind out of fear of sounding nosey if it’s a deeper question or feeling like it’s a lame superficial question. You ain’t alone that’s for sure 🫣
2:43 skip to this
Sir,plz can u make a video on how to deal with the symptoms of social anxiety.I have been suffering from social anxiety and some of the symptoms that I face are watery eyes, my hands feel cold, I can't stop my legs from shaking and I stutter everytime I'm put in a situation of public speaking . People often tell me that I should be calm and think positive. But even if i prepare my brain for the worst ,my body doesn't seems to coordinate with it . I have come accross several videos which only tells us that the only way to cure social anxiety is exposure but it feels almost impossible with these Symptoms following me like a shadow making it even more miserable 😭. I hope u can suggest a solution to this problem and thank u for making videos regarding social anxiety and helping several people like me who r trying hard to find a way to live a normal social life without any fear.
You have to let go (feeling your repressed emotions and sensations). Stop fiddling with effect, get to the cause and release it. Follow Julien himself on UA-cam, thank me later
Feel free to look anywhere when talking
Hello Doctor, and what about if we are on stage, singing for example, also in regards to the point that you are making in your book about externalised goals? In your book you say that you are also a singer songwriter... I am, too...so I hope I you might have some advice for this if it's not out of topic... thanks a lot !
I really needed this. Im great at eye contact when listening but not great when im talking myself or if I fancy someone😂 so its natural for it to be less eye contact when talking. I just need to improve on making eye contact ehen theres a man I like
I talk a lot about flirtation in my book, and you might be surprised if you read that chapter-you’ll see that being anxious can be an important part of showing interest… see what you think
@@DrThomasSmithyman what is the book called?
It’s called Dating Without Fear: Overcome Social Anxiety and Connect. geni.us/DatingWithoutFear
And same time lips feel num is that part of anxiety?
Fast forward to 08/2024. Science determined autistics eyes are absorbing More information then non autistic. This is physiological aspect. So makes sense if for those that may be socially uncomfortable (not every autistic) will create discomfort. Personally I have never been shy but that being said I still often do not like eye contact. Now I know why as I am getting pummeled with too much information I n like my hearing, touch overloads. I love awareness. Now I can relax and not try to change my behavior to match others. As with all else just another awesome autistic different
I have a question relating to personality I wonder if you could shed light on? There's often a lot of shame surrounding the fact that we are anxious, but what about those of us who are naturally reserved/ introverted/ shy etc. Is it possible we are berating ourselves, to some unnecessary degree, for having a personality type we cannot change? Where is the line between accepting yourself and your nature (not naturally inclined to seek a ton of social interaction) and knowing there is a problem that needs work?
Social anxiety is debilitating. It's not just being shy or introverted, though sometimes we tell ourselves that because it feels better. People with social anxiety have trouble keeping jobs and maintaining relationships. So..when it becomes debilitating and interferes with your quality of life, you should be concerned.
As someone who deals with high functioning anxiety, I LOVE this question 👍 I have a very difficult time finding a balance. The high functioning part of me wants desperately to make others feel comfortable in my presence while the anxious part of me feels like my efforts are too straining. I’m trying to work on accepting my limitations but it’s an uphill battle for sure. All the best to you! You’re not alone 🤗❤
What do you suggest doing if someone doesn't make eye contact if you are talking to them?
Lets say you wanna discuss something with someone who works on your property and they just continue with what they are doing while you speak to them...
How about strangers on public transport?
You need to make eye contact with as many of them as possible and if they dont look at your try to pee on their shoe
when's the last time you guys remember caring if someone looked you in the eyes
Thank you 🙏