How to Handle a Narcissistic Mother - Julie Hanks, LCSW on KSL TV's Studio 5
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- Опубліковано 2 лис 2010
- More here www.juliehanks.com/family/hand...
Therapy practice www.wasatchfamilytherapy.com
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If Mom has Narcissistic Personality disorder it is IMPOSIBLE to voice and share your emotions or feelings without then being attacked either physically, verbally or emotionally. If a person has NPD they lack the ability to empathize therefore sharing your feelings is useless!!! The only advice I have is to find a surrogate mother figure or be your own mother to your inner child and stop expecting to ever, ever be validated by a NPD mother. I agree with Aimee Coleman.
goldengoat these children suffer chronic low self esteem, they never feel safe to express anything they've internalized all the shame & false beliefs that their mother loves them & cares. It takes years to state the fact that she never loved you or cared.
Exactly. Sharing my emotions and feelings with my narcissistic mother would be like... playing with my life..! I've tried it too many times already and it usually ended with the answer (yelling and screaming) of what an ungrateful child I am.. and that she's my mother, and that I should respect her... And then when I tell her parents should also respect their children... ooooooohhh! Bad idea!
goldengoat yes... and sadly this is how we become even as a adult
AMEN
Story of my life.
As an adult, I just limit contact. I never call, I never visit, and I moved far away. It's better that way. Whenever I talk to her it's always a guilt trip about how cold I am. I'm always on edge when talking to her. Best just to leave that alone.
Hank Moody heh..not laughing..but the moving apart thing..yeah, I did that twice. the first time was only 5 hours away. she bought a house in my neighborhood...the second time I moved 18000 miles and three continents east lol..bye mum lol
My Mom follows me to every state I move to.
Oh my. I thought mine were the only ones following me around. I beg them not to but they do anyway. They are so toxic I can’t bear it any longer
@@jarista9844 That's frightening. I'd move without telling her.
My friend never got a chance to move out from his narcisstic mother. She successfully control his life.
"Wonderful" mother on the outside in public, but very controlling, abusing you in private. If you stand up to her, and tell her off, she will attack you with a vengeance. If your dad leaves her, and you try to have a relationship with your father, you are going to be abused even more. She will do everything in her power to separate you from your father, and your siblings and create a living hell for you. GET help. GET OUT. ASAP.
+Jam Session " she will attack you with a vengeance". This is the absolute truth with these mental "mothers".
This is exactly me and ONE of my sisters issues
Jam Session thats exactly my mother.
Jam Session i stood up to my mom now everyone thinks im crazy what do i do?!!!
Jam Session you said it right this is the way it is 👏
The day my narcissistic mother died was the most liberating day of my life. I felt like I could finally begin to have a life of my own.
Good and now you can truly start living and be happy with no one interrupting that happiness send love to you (my mums a narc ) ❤️
Every narcissistic parent deserves death....
I am for death penalty for all the narcissists.....
I cant wait for that day
I cant wait for the day my narrcicist mother and narrcicist grandmother die. They're the most evil human beings I've ever came across.
That is so sad.
She told you the nice way, NO CONTACT is the best way to handle your mother if she's narcissistic.
Yup
I will never have Peace until she is dead.My whole life,my whole family.The Damage is irreparable.
'not taking responsibility for someone else's self-esteem.' great explanation.
Absolute truth
This woman clearly does not have personal experience with a narcissistic mother, as her advice to speak up to the mother not only causes trouble in a family dynamic, often ending in blame for the child, but also encourages the idea that a child can change or cure narcissistic personality disorder, which is far from truth. I find her professional opinion, while effective in theory, incoherently result producing when applied to real life situations.
so true..
TheObserver I eagerly anticipate your reaction ;)
true...never confront the narc...they always have a strategy one step ahead of yours...master con and manipulator.
So true. I confronted my Mom and she called me delusional, crazy and kicked me out of our house with my 2 kids. Lol. This happened when i had nowhere to go after my husband died. They literally don't have empathy.
I agree
My mom has always been toxic. Im glad I can finally heal. Having a narcisstic mother is awful. My mom has the lowest self esteem and tries to bring me down.. always called me fat. She doesnt know how to drive so when I started driving she told me to go crash. I hope everyone who has a narcistic mom find healing. No child deserves that type of treatment.
Mine turns every one of my perceived success (saying perceived is because I really don't see them as success myself) into ammunition to use against me, e.g. "this is what someone who graduated from University of [blank] does/ this is what comes out of someone who works at [blank]/ [My job title]? The neighbors should see how ugly you are" etc. I had to read an article to finally realize this is one of the things they do.
Thank you 😃😊👏👍🙏
Just to give you an idea ... I never cry.... but I was on the phone with my NM yesterday and I was crying. Wouldn’t you know it! By the end of the call she was raging at me. She doesn’t have the capacity to empathize with her own daughter. These people are sick and twisted. Don’t show vulnerability near them. Don’t walk... RUN from the Narc mom! It takes years to heal from this kind of abuse. You can do it! Look up Lisa Romano and Jerry Wise... these people will get you through the tough times. Stay strong!
As someone who has a narcissist mother, "speaking up" will NEVER work. Narcissists are barely human in their thought processes. They are always right, and no amount of reason can change their opinion, believe me.
Happy "surviving a narcissistic mom-day" to us all! :)
+Sparta 300 True! BUT...my mother is actually "getting help" so to speak... not for being a narc but a therapist... and it doesn't change much. Seems like she is just learning to fake it,.. but since I can not ever get away from her, I take it!
I sat in the garden and wailed for the mother I never had but deserved.
i never developed self confidence bc my mother CONSTANTLY ever single time and still does: have to be right ! in charge! and your opiion is always cut down to bits...so I never learned to speak up. Its not easy to fix.
deborah bonney I suggest you need to completely cut ties with her, and don't feel bad about it, if she keeps draining you and making you feel bad. I have done the same and my mother and my life has been GREAT since. Also now you know it's not your fault, so now you have to get that bullshit out of your subconscious, I suggest you start getting into spiritual doings, like meditating, being out in nature, and exercising everyday. This is what has helped me! All the best :)
Deborah Bonney Unfortunately it’s impossible to fix. Impossible. Look into it more deeply before confronting her or trying to implement boundaries, as she will try to destroy you for challenging her. Best to walk away and keep your sanity.
My mother would say "hear, see and say nothing, next sentence " you haven't a word to throw to a dog" she's 92 now and still critizing
I have been facing the same...mom never change..destroyed my character even.
Same here sis ! I’m still trying .
I have on e more thing to say regarding N mothers... "Do not ever underestimate the Power of denial"---
"Talking" to the narcissistic mother is an exercise in futility. NPD, by its very nature, will NOT allow the narcissist to accept that they *have* a problem they need to work on, let alone talk about. Many people may relate to having a parent with NPD, but learning how to DEAL with it - well, that's another thing entirely. The first thing you have to understand is that you will NEVER get through to these people. It's impossible if they truly have NPD.
I wish I'd known this earlier!
As a son of a narcissistic woman, I am a first-hand eye witness of the damage and pain that this type of selfish behavior can cause over one’s life. To all sons out there with these type of mothers, go away as much as you can from
Them.
My mother is evil. She finds humor in my pain that I just can't “get over" the rapes and torture at the hands of my father when I was six years old...here forty years later..she laughs at me.
I try to stay away..but she is still my mom wether or not I like it.. I can only be around her for so long..90 minutes or less before the rage starts eating at me..that six year old is still very much alive within me. I was diagnosed with ptsd, borderline personality and D.I.D. many years ago.
My mother refuses to accept that she failed her children..if she could just admit that she didn't care... I could move past this.. I hope.
That's one of the traits of narcissism is enjoying the pain of others and enjoying mocking and humiliating others she thrives on other people being miserable and on other people's pain even yours and I'm so sorry for that. My mother was raped at age 18 I am the product of her rape. When I were sexually assaulted she had absolutely no empathy for me and didn't understand why I developed P TSD and she didn't she felt like I was trying to out do her. She told me well you always have held a grudge and had a personality problem that's why you can't get over it.. 0 empathy. They want to be center of attention now she is jealous that I have P TSD or not heard now she's trying to get a diagnosis of the same thing..lol
This sounds exactly like my mom, We always seem like we are the ideal model of a mother and daughter to everyone....but it's only an image that my mom loves keeping. She strongly believes that she is always right and she always manages to shut me off and never listens to what i have to say which has caused me a lot of pain and a lot of hidden feelings that i can never confront her with and it gets worst each day that now she had kicked me out of the house....I wish I had a better relationship with my mom and I wish she could listen to me an accept that she might need help...
If there's no communication between you and your mother the best way to handle a narcissistic mother stay away from her until she's dead you can visit her at her grave
Wats point visit the grave? Person is gone ..should enjoy her while she is alive n well but live far away as possible xxx
A true narc mom sets her daughter up for abuse and enjoys it. What's really sad is that their kids can wind up with chronic mental illness and never identify the problem. Most therapists don't address it and many psychiatrists are narcissists themselves.
Raphaela Velasquez. I love you. Me too
You're right competitive jealous
Start saying how you feel and get ready to relocate.
Pretty much.
But how do you even relocate with no job and nowhere to go?
SkyGuardian just move somewhere and get a fresh start
I want to but genuinely she has broken my confidence so much. I am not even human anymore. I find it difficult to get out, I get anxiety from even breathing too loud. She has controlled me to the point of breaking me down. I need help. How can I move away with no job and no confidence?
@@Koreans4ever try PLEASE and get out!
@@SkyRied1 Make it happen. Ask your universe to make a way for you! ❤️
You've just barely scratched the surface!
This is me to a tee! I'm a guy and have been dealing with this all my life. I'm never completely happy and feel like I'm always walking on egg shells.
I feel for you. I'm in the same boat. Working on recovery but it's challenging, particularly in a society that venerates mothers. And great mothers should be celebrated but if you have a bad one it's hard to be happy. I hope you get there. I hope we all do.
zestydude87 Man, I'm totally with you brother..My mother is very self-centered, controlling and manipulative..Never sees the errors of ways..Her boundaries are bad, and you can't call her out on anything..She takes it as a form of betrayal.. Constantly looks for examples of other sons, who treat their parents well..To make you feel wrong, of how they may perceive you...
Kareneeni Very good point...Mother's Day can feel like a day of torment... Especially when you have to acknowledge a narcissistic mother..
I hear you it's the same with me. Even thinking about calling or visiting gives me terrible anxiety and depression.
@@Sp-ck5es try getting a new job and move away immediately getting a best job is the only way to recover from narcissist mother
My mum is so good outside and she is not abusive either. But she never appreciate and belittle everything I do. And when I does something good she always talk about one of my cousin is better than me. She is so sweet with everyone else, she is Th e reason that I have so low self confidence.
just RUN. and never look back!
Omg she's spot on. Having to take responsibility for mom's feelings and emotional baggage. Feeling guilty and inadequate all the time. Mom has to be right, mom has to have the last say... spot on
I recently did a lot of research on my relationship with my mother. It is impacting my life with my partner, with work, with myself, etc. I came across terms like "BPD", "narcissist", "abuse". Although it is very difficult to accept that myself, have been abused my whole life by my two parents, researching is the only way to feel a bit of "relief". I am happy that I found this video on a different website and here below are people who grew up like me. I suddenly feel like, finally I can speak about my own feelings and that people can actually understand it. I should have researched earlier in my life. It is the most painful thing to me growing up like a property.
+shelherman Thank you for responding to my post about a narcissistic disordered parent. In answer to your question about getting better, the only thing that saved me was seeing a psychotherapist. You must find a good one and it might take a long time in therapy but it's worth every minute. I went through two therapists before I found one that I could relate to. I was in therapy for 8-10 years, I lost count. Stick with it and never discount yourself as a whole human being with worthwhile wants and needs. Feed those needs every chance you get and get someone who will support you through it all. When you get to the other side, you will be so proud of yourself and happy. It takes a lot of work. You can do it. God Bless and good luck.
I can relate.
Struggling with a narc mil now.my bf had just realised it but she has reeled him back in. So now I have to find a way to protect myself and him from a week long visit the first since I moved in 4 weeks ago
I hear you you are not alone. I am 62 and just realized when I was 61 what had been going on and what is wrong never could put my finger on it. I always had low self esteem and thought I was the problem because that's what she had always told me that I had something wrong with my personality already when I was a teenager. Unfortunately I didn't realize the way she raised me carried over to the way I raised my son but I am trying to learn and understand now so it doesn't affect my grand kids. Her mom treated her the same way it's a intergenerational carry down because that's all you know and that's how you were raised. Someone's got to break the cycle.
@@aishabrown2167 don't stay with your mother in law and do not let her stay with you guys!!! Make that mistakes..you will learn the hard way! Up to u.....
Self-absorbed but does not seem to be on the outside; spot on!!
I am the son of a narcissist. I always had this unresolved anger toward my mother. She provided for me extremely well, yet I never felt right about our relationship. Everything was always about her, I found myself calling her an emotional vampire (one of the signs), and repeating the phrase "but I'm the child, YOU'RE the parent." In turn, I was deemed overdramatic & difficult, when friends describe me as easygoing. Therapy broke me of my codependency, I recommend anyone reading this do the same.
I grew up with a narcissist mother . The best way to deal with a narcissist mother is to realize that she may not be "normal" and possibly suffer from a mental illness. This will help you to filter out certain things she says or does. Learn that you can't change her or anyone, but you can change how you respond to situations by learning coping skills and practicing them. Arguments can happen often with narcissistic mothers due to their selfishness, but never argue because she will never ...
Haha you just get over it. I was heavily abused by my mother. Once I figured her out I stopped playing her game. I remember I once stopped taking her calls and she started showing up at my house!!! Nowadays I just ignore her and just see her for who she is. the quicker you can accept reality the quicker you can heal. My mother never changed her heart but she did her behaviors once she started seeing me become successful and more confident. I won't lie i get a weird sense of satisfaction knowing I can deal with a full blown narcissist.
Good for you! I recalled something my mom told me a long time ago that people will treat you like you allow them to treat you. So that's telling me that she knows she was treating me badly and that she will keep doing it as long as I let her. So basically if you are a doormat and you enable someone to mistreat you they will take full advantage and keep doing it and blame you because you allowed it.
@@gabiwenzelow7348 truth!
I just wanna cry, I finally figured out what's going on. Yesssss! thanks for this video!
I just figured it out and my life's almost over better late than never.
yup.... have one also! it always effects a daughters confidence throughout her life. A mother trying to compete with her daughters is very exhausting. Also having to boost her ego everytime she goes into negative mode or bad moods.... then once she's back in the business you're quite literally forgotten. The list goes on.....
Rachel Anastasia Fenwick With sons, it's just as bad; mothers both competing and trying to warp their son's natural masculinity as well as do sick weird things like treat him as her surrogate husband figure. Not to mention, for a number of sons, physical beatings and screaming along with it.
yikes! that does sound bad. I never imagined sons would get it as bad but clearly they do :(
True. They are competitive and in every way. My mother competes with me about everything positive I've ever done--always one-ups me and never recognizes my accomplishment. I was thinking about this recently and realized that she has never complimented me. She's also competitive about negative things. If I have a health problem, for example, she has it too and has it worse. She has also never recognized that I'm diabetic and legally blind in one eye. I fell down some stairs and cracked my sternum last year. I couldn't mention it without her going on and on about a supposedly worse fall she had.
My mom's latest rage is accusing me of causing problems in her marriage by even talking to my stepdad I'm 62 and she's 80. She's jealous possessive controlling very competitive. When I come over to visit she makes him we've she doesn't want me talking to him she doesn't want him to eat any of the things I bring over for fear he might say he like something I made.
@@starshield7 That sounds awful!! Yeah you got to keep away from any toxic behaviour and make sure that wall is up.
None of her solutions will work with mine
No contact= come to your house and cause a scene
"expressing your feelings" = You take offense to everything, even if you only express them every once and a while and if that doesn't work she will try to convince you that everyone feels the same way that she does about you.
And never think that you can talk to her about who hurt you or your own problems because it will be your fault and she will use it against you later.
Then in a blink of an eye if someone comes around or the phone rings or just to get you comfortable around her again, she will act like nothing Is wrong. smh
you just described my mother. How is your self confidence? Mine never developed because she was mean; dogmatic; always in right; trouble maker and not just some tme...always ..
My self confidence is still a bit shaky but I refuse to turn 40 years old and allow this evil to poison my mind any longer.
My dad stuck up for me until he left when I was 15. I didn't really realize how she was until then and at that point being me in high school (shy and reserved), home issues and just being a teenager had my self confidence shot. I did have friends that I could talk to so that helped.
Deborah I'm sorry if you didn't have anyone to have your back like my dad had mine. I was just talking about this with my fiance'. I was saying how I couldn't imagine growing up without my dad being there.I don't know your age or your situation but you have to realize that it is NOT YOUR FAULT! YOU ARE A BEAUTIFUL PERSON DO NOT LET ANOTHER DAY GO BY WITH YOU BELIEVING ANYTHING ELSE!
Last year I had to go off her. I even felt bad for doing it( I shouldn't have smh). I couldn't take anymore and I was tired of her TRYING to tell me that everything in HER life that was making HER miserable based on the decisions that SHE made was my fault...
Now every time she tries it depending on my mood, I either snap back or don't say anything. I have learned that both of these make her nervous. Now her thing is that I always get offended and like I told her, "I only get offended by people that TRY to offended me".
Sad thing is that she can give a listening ear to other people and give advice to everyone except me. All I get is criticized and blame.
shanellsplace Damn, I can totally relate.. Wow, we must have the same parent
@@Sp-ck5es ok, me too. I guess we’re triplets. Reading other ppls comments sure help tho. I don’t feel so lonely 😭
For victims, survivors and victorious survivors of narcissistic bullies: Just an idea here, I would recommend all victims and survivors of narcissistic bullies regain their voice by going into the fields of journalism, television, reporting, art and publishing. You'd be surprised at what you can say without saying anything at all.
USE your voice and read the book called, "DO YOU"! The book DO YOU was written by a guy who started an anti-bullying foundation.
Thank u!
I needed to see this video. she described my mother WELL .
And mothers like these can make you feel GUILTY on the inside, and it can affect your everyday life
ciel222 I don't know how old you are, but if you are less than 30.. please, I implore you as a human.. either forgive her now and deal with the fact that she is that way and she won't change.. I know how difficult what I propose is, but cut her from your life immediately! sever all ties. She won't ever stop and if you have your own family, she will control it also.
I have a narcissistic mother who had done the most horrible things just to prove her point. It has lead to extreme depression and also me thinking as she is no longer someone who cares about me.
This was my experience too - it seemed more obvious after she died. I am in healing now.
there is no way a daughter of an "N" can replace what her mother was supposed to give her,,.. She can think that she can replace the deficit in her life but she cannot-- these Mothers leave deep psychological wounds on their daughters and do not care. Because they cannot care about anyone BUT themselves. All roads lead back to them, leaving only deprivation, confusion and abandonment for the daughter.
+gorillatwist
No. Fuck that. We are not irrevocably broken beings. We can learn to deal with our shit and live fuller, meaningful lives. I don't want to dwell on what I can't "have" from my mother. It's obvious she'll never change. She doesn't have the capacity to change. But that doesn't make me damaged goods.
if you cannot admit the damage and be specific how can you fix it?-- Denial only keeps the pattern rolling on into other relationships-- An inability to Observe without Judgement, lack of empathy, and Black and White thinking, etc. --Don't ever underestimate the Power of Denial.
+Rachel Desai U R ABSOLUTELY RIGHT ON THIS. I ALSO WILL NEVER BELIEVE THAT I AM DAMAGED GOODS. THANK U FOR STANDING UP TO ALL NEGATIVITY.
A I
@gorillatwist I agree with you. People getting defensive are just reacting to a perceived slight. Some things we can overcome, but you’re right - what your MOTHER denied you and how they damaged you can show up forever, regardless of therapy or whatnot. Notice I say “can”, because maybe in some people it doesn’t. But generalizing that Everyone CAN recover fully, isn’t fair to those of us who can’t and couldn’t and won’t, no matter how much we otherwise thrive. I have no problem whatsoever admitting to be heavily damaged, because of this - it’s why I’m single and chose to have no children, to avoid passing it on. Some people don’t chose that. Part of *being* a NARCISSIST is the inability to consider that one might be flawed or make mistakes.... Imagine being triggered by the idea of admitting being the victim of psychological abuse might have damaged you.
No, my mom can't deal with her own emotions. I can't even talk to her about how I feel without her making me feel like shit
Don't give them the reaction they seek from you.
Yes thank you for the reminder you are so right about that that's what they seek to push your buttons and gauge your reaction that's food for them your misery makes them happy. Makes them feel superior and in control.
i'm still learning how to hold myself back (it's just extremely hard to do so when you know everything they're saying about you is wrong and most of the time they twist things into something completely untrue) that's why I'm shopping around for earplugs for when she visits lol
That's too sad, but you are so right. We have a saying here for children who thrive on nothing - Dandelion children. I had a trick when I started doing before I can remember, perhaps as early as 2-3 yrs old. I sat in a corner back in the closet and imagined my TRUE mother holding her arms around me, whispering loving and supporting words to me. Doing that took away all nastiness and filled me with light and happiness.
I’m 33 and I only figured out my mum has this disorder, she’s drove be crazy as far as I can remember and there is no stop to it till now, I have decided only now in 2021 that she stays blocked off my phone and I don’t ever want to speak to her, she has filled in my siblings against me all my life that I don’t even speak to them, she has destroyed me both mentally and emotionally. I’ve never been in a relationship because of the experiences I have experienced in life so far. It’s the harsh truth but this mental
Illness can destroy you. So run for your life’s from now before you get to my age!
regardless of gender, sons/daughters of narcissistic mothers/fathers, I'm the daughter of a narcissistic mother, my husband is the son of a narcissistic father. To address the son mother relationship I would say my mother damaged my older brother more than any of us. All of us except my brother decided to quit living just for her when in our twenties. My brother didn't stop until he turned 50, the result was that he was completely disowned.
This is my childhood and adulthood. I'm still dealing with this. I am at a loss to help my sisters.
Absolutely no contact. Their evil is endless.
I agree! Did you get away?
This is my mother 100%!!! I've gone 'no contact' and that's the way it has to be.
My mother has this , I think most mothers from the 50"s ( high school years for them) are like this, more so with the oldest child. My little brother died, her favorite and it just got like being boiled int HELL . . oh well ,sad for her, we could have been such good friends.
There is a video here on youtube 'How the 1950s parents felt about their children'. Interesting stuff. My parents are the generation boomers, too. 🙂
do they try to turn others against you so that I have no one to turn to??
Yes.
mags g every chance they get
mags g YES
Yes yes always acting the victim and playing the victim role telling all the other family members you were mean to her. Didn't bother to tell them that she called you and rage at you and you were just defending yourself anybody backed into a corner will defend themselves especially when they're ambushed out of the blue with wild crazy accusations.
YES. ZERO FAMILY RELATIONSHIP BECAUSE OF MY POS NARC.
Voicing your opinion with my mom leads to an argument and a shouting match she does not like to be told there is anything wrong with her behavior or her mood swings or her constant be littling devaluing demeaning humiliating back biting behavior. I'm an adult but whenever I tried to stand up for myself she turns it around all me and tells me I'm the one with the problem and that I always have held a grudge and had a personality problem, just like she has always said. Then she'll call all the relatives and tell them how mean I was to her and act like a victim. I am so tired of tiptoeing around her and her feelings, what about my feelings and my mental health? I am a people pleaser and a giver but I had never been able to please her and she lets it be known that she doesn't want nor need anything from me. On the other hand she is the bully type and she really intimidates me I even get anxious even thinking about talking to her are going to visit her. When she goes into a rage it depresses me for months. She always has to be right and won't admit that she has any type of problem. She tells me she is for a perfectionist and I imagine think she think she is perfect and everybody else is at fault. My dad has been a grey rock for about 46 out of the last 56 years of marriage. Her latest rage was to accuse me of causing problems in their marriage. At this point I don't even want to be around either one of them but they are both elderly and now the guilt starts.
Just go live your life
Yup. As soon as I told my mom that whenever I try to talk to her she starts yelling at me.... she completely went from calm to seriously YELLING at me. I mean, banging on the kitchen table, rage in her eyes and everything.
admit to doing anything wrong. In their world they are perfect and will do whatever they can to justify their actions, even if they are wrong. Never rely on her for guidence or support, we expect parents to be supportive and they should but with narcissistic mothers you must kill off that expectation and understand she does not have the ability to be nurturing. Always maintain a distance and never rely on her for emotional support or validation. She will make things worse.
The other problem is also the non-narcissistic parent who does not recognize the problem or is codependent. Children really fight a losing battle here, awful. The difference is that a self-confident, buoyant mother always tries to share it with her daughter, even though the daughter is quieter, or tones down if she realizes she has gone too far. Narcissists never realize other peoples' feelings, not even their own children's. People are like objects to them in their minds.
Set boundaries and be happy. Always be happy, if you aren’t happy, ACT happy. Nothing bring out their evil behaviors more than their child being happy. The only time my mom is ever happy is when I am miserable. I am currently trapped once again living with this horrible woman(thanks COVID) and I refuse to let her bring me down anymore. These people will put you in an early grave. I am doing everything I can to leave.
No, my mother shows all the typical traits of a narcissist. She has tucked away her real self behind thick layers of a phony personality. Children need to feel loved and hear loving words, but narcissists fail to support that childish need as they themselves are the children. Narcs tend to hate children. My father was not a narcissist, but her caretaker. He did ALL the housework, built our house, paid everything. She just sat in a sofa and suffered.
Awesome comment which sums it up beautifully.
NO CONTACT, people, NO CONTACT!!!
My mother to the "T"
Those who don't experience narcissistic abuse don't know the struggle dealing with difficult people.:-(
Im 19 and my mother is Narcissistic.She always comes at me in a hostile fashion but gets even angrier when I have an attitude as a result.And then tries to say im not humble or grateful when everybody other than her thinks I am. She is the meal ticket in the family and everyone never stands up to her because of this except for me.I am currently in between jobs right now so she taunts me for not having one like its my fault with the current market. If anybody could give any solutions for this plz
JD25 I know, that circumstance all to well brother...
"now that iam grown that prepared me for the real world. thanks to her i can handle anything"
Wow. I will try to see things this way... what a great way to put it! Gracias, amigo!
As a child of one, I had to do ALOT of self education but it was worth it! I had no idea how destructive the personality was. A narcissist is unaware that they program those most impressionable for failure more often than not. Until it began affecting my own daughters, I simply didn't want to admit it. I've had to cut ties except for the occasional visit; but sadly, damage is done. I can't help thinking; during her childhood, what if the authority figures in her life had asked " what if?"
I cut off contact with my parents for the most part. An incredible, nagging weight lifted off my shoulders from that decision.
OH MY GOSH YOU ARE ON AMW!!! That's amazing.
Majority of the time it's on the daughters, my mom emotionally abuses us, it really hit me when my mom was quiet and my little brother asked if she's angry💔that hurt me because he's only 7
I've not for the past 6 months. Before that I did try to have a loving relationship with her for half a century, but all that gave me was her stabbing me in the back when I needed her the most, of course. Thanks for asking. I truly believe my imaginary mother helped me a lot and so did an old aunt that stopped by now and then. She saw me. Children need to be seen or they turn into transparent, invisible beings of the shadows.
Julie, your so great. Thank you so much for all your work.
I am really glad you brought up this issue.. it is huge!
Excellent clip!! This lady knows what she's talking about! Thank you :)
Try growing up with two narcissistic parents that had an unhappy marriage and being treated the same way by both
You ever get away?
Narcissistic Mothers do not encourage, root for and are never proud of their children. Some of them are happy when the child ends up in jail and/or involved in domestic violence, etc... They never hug or say I love you to their children. They totally have money yet neglect their children financially as well. They don't feel guilt and NEVER apologize - EVER. Not sure what these people are talking about. An insecure mother is NOT a narcissistic mother.
My mom has to be right about everything 😂
Me too, my dad also notice this.
OH MY GOSH!
My mother was the EXACT same way!
I haven't talked to my mon in 12 years!
I was abused as a child to the point of depression, I am ok now because I will not let her ways get me down or I will end up like her...
She made me scrub her feet, paint her nails, cook, clean, scrub walls, cut the grass, learn how to plumb the toilet...
She called me and my sisters her little slaves and she would say that when she calls our name we had better run!
What is her zodiac sign?
Oh wow she is nuts...I would have grabbed all my lil sisters and bad at my auntie house so fast and tell everything that my mom would be so ashamed that she let me stay with my aunt for good
My Mother is a monster but its difficult to no contact because its my mother
"they chose to be evil because its way more fun then doing good" And Mom "has to be right about everything."
Amen! That's it, in a nutshell! Going "no contact" saved my sanity. Sad, but true.
I'm currently trying to set boundaries for my Mum & it's sooo tough. But I know that I have to stick with it. Thankfully I've found a friend on Facebook with a mother like mine & my friend on FB also has chronic fatigue syndrome/ME like me, so it's good to have help from others in my situation. So my advice would be to get help from others with mothers like this.
This is my life exactly. Thanks for sharing.
This video is spot on, when it comes to my own Mother and how i have for 32 years modified what i wanted to say etc etc because of her reaction.
I think i may have to distance myself from her to protect my own mental health.(I have OCD/ Manic Depression amongst other things.)
The sooner i get her out of my life the better, sad, but true.:(
i feel like i can't say no like someone is covering my mouth =[
I get you there... Along with Her pinning her baby on me.
+blacksheepgirl same situation here. You expressed what I have been feeling for 27 years now.
hugs friend i'll pray for u. :'( We can pray for each other. :'(
my moms a narcissist. Everytime I keep away she comes up with a new drama- hospital scene, fake assault accusations, that requires my help- god forbid if I ignore it, she spreads malicious rumors otherwise. Last time I spoke via phone, I asked about a close cousin, she dramatised the whole conversation and told me that I should be asking about only her and that she is the most important person alive, that I am nothing (her only child) next to her. Also accused me of never helping her, she even cried bringing up a hospital scenario where I was there to help her only once (lies)- she accused me of bringing this moment up constantly and asked me if that's what I meant when I meant helping her- but it was her who brought everything up so to that I replied (to her trap), that's not the only time I helped! my whole life is based on you! so she continued 😒when? when!!!!!? tell me a date when you helped!!! (So the whole thing was a trap for me to react in that way) Just pointless talking to her. And then she went over to that cousin to tell them that I can't stop asking about them and that I am basically obsessed with their lives. The next day I messaged them asked if they were ok, I got a reply saying something like- to mind my own business and I don't need to know everything, so disappointing. The real reason why I asked was because their elderly mother has been diagnosed with cancer, which my mom acts like it's nothing (this is her own blood sister) I'm still worried for her but I'm completely keeping away. This is just a fraction of what mom does. Next time sh'll speak to me like nothings happened and accuse me of being a bad person as to why my cousins hate me- which is her doing but nobody will believe me- NOT even you, she's very good in her ways.
She gave amazing advice.
Narcissists are not mentally ill....but they CAN cause their children PTSD
What do you mean by ptsd please
@@alaataeb870
PTSD - Post Traumatic Stress Disorder
It's a mental disorder.
My mom is discarding me right now, make me feel embarrassed and insult me because she was just enjoying of telling me about the misfortune of others by judging them and I told her "It's their business, don't mind about them." She gets angry with me and told me that what I said hurts her. She started to yell at me and always blaming me when she's not in a mood. She scolded me and seems like she wants our neighbor to hear it. That's very painful because I don't have a friend, even one that I could talk to. She always make me feel that every person that comes into my life is a bad person like telling me my friends are jealous of me . She brags my achievements to her friends and neighbor and that made me feel uncomfortable. I don't like it. She always reminds me that if I achieve something, people will get jealous of me. I hate that mindset of her because it made me feel like I don't need a friend. So, I'm so lonely. She's always upset to me. She doesn't allow me to work however I was forcing myself to make money because we are very poor. I don't have a father anymore and I want to help her but she's happy when I gave her money. She doesn't want me to wash dishes and do laundry but telling me I'm lazy. I'm the only child, I need to be independent however she don't want me to. I lost my job, I was terminated because I have two consecutive absences and the reason was I was very emotionally hurt because of her. I need a rest for myself however she's controlling me of everything that I do. I can't set boundaries of her too, because our house is tiny and no specific room. I can't hide. She gets angry when I go out. She also gets drunk sometimes and it's so embarrassing when she dance, yell and pee on public. That made me become afraid of people because it embarrassed me. I really hate itttt. Then I started become angry with her and fight her with words of how I felt but she's telling me she worked hard for me to give food but make me feel guilty. When we have a fight because I can't control my emotions anymore. She would tell me, you will have "karma" in the future for not respecting her anymore. It make me feel so stupid. I can't get out of it. I'm like in a jail of abusive emotions. Please help me, I'm very emotionally wounded right now. I need your advice. Pleaaaaaaaasseeeeeeeee
It isn't just about daughters. At the beginning of the interview she refers to "children" of narcissistic parents. She only then refers to daughters later on because the letter they received that they are answering, was specifically about a woman over hearing a daughters opinion of the mother. Cause yes you are absolutely right!
My mother is strict and shuts down the fact that she will not allow me to be mature.I am 18 and often feel like I am not worthy, she she extra, everything is her word or no word and IDK what to do?
Don't do nothing but go your own mature way and do what you want and never look for her approval for anything you do.
Journey of a Loc'ed Goddess Read Paisleyyama’s advice. Best advice ever! Save money and go your own way, far away. Be financially independent, because some nc mother use money to control and keep their scapegoat dependent. Don’t fall into this trap. Good luck
Get out,, get therapy and try to heal.
Thanks julie your a jewel
mom also told me and my sisters not to bring any fleas in her house and that she would never be a grandmother to us...
My dad abused me too..
I only had my Great Grandmother and she passed away last August, but I am strong enough to shake off all of the hurt and hate that was inflicted on me and go on to Master Myself and help other's get through situations like we have encountered..
The kids comming up today definatley have to deal with a lot of Narcissist mother's and my heart goes out 2 them.
Perfect explanation for my situation as a male..
Thank you
my mom does all those patterns back when i was a child and even up to now.
I can't even tell her how I feel because then she thinks voicing how i feel is being a rebel no matter how nice my tone of voice may be as long as it is not base on what she wants :(
When I says something I don't like when she controls how to live my life she makes it look like im the one crazy and that i was the bad person for not obeying her in telling me how to live my life. I have never done anything illegal nor do i do bad stuff i study well and perform in school well so sometimes in the week end i just wanna hang out with my friends until the evening besides im 21 now so i should be allowed to have fun at arcades even if its 7pm already right? Im doing good in school and never slack off but even so she would not want me to go out with my friends.
she controls my life so much that it makes me feel like i am lower than a pet in a house i can't even voice out how i feel because she always says as a back clash to me that I am selfish and that I am always thinking of how I feel. i don't know what to do anymore should i leave her? since she pretty much can live on her own and i live on my own can too. my mom got savings and is still has work and has a boyfriend so I think she can support herself and i can support myself too on my own. ilove my mom but i can't stand this anymore she just keep on repeating stuff like this ever since i was a kid even up to now. :(
should i leave?
Leave. But be prepared for her wrath. My opinion is be as independent as you can and don't feel guilty because narcissists are master manipulators. They will try all kinds of ways to get to you. You protecting yourself doesn't mean that you don't love your mum. You can feel insecure because of years of living with someone like her but you will heal. Believe in yourself. You are a strong, beautiful person. You are an adult and you are your own person. Good luck, take care and God bless.
induminithankyou so much for your advice. I really wanna heal that is why I am already getting therapy and I am now planning on leaving my mom and move out because I don't wanna do to my future children what my mom did to me so I want to heal before I start a family in the future.
Xilca Mae Gutierrez Your welcome! That is great that you are getting therapy. Keep going and also build a group of good friends who genuinely care about you (you will have people who will try to take advantage of your vulnerability as well) and then you can also have that support. But try to be as independent as possible. Believe in yourself. Life will keep throwing hurdles your way but narcissism is extremely hard to deal with so getting as far away from it will help. Keep telling yourself that this experience, even with all the pain, has only made you stronger (because it's true!) and given you a great opportunity to see a person with narcissism first hand! You got this. Don't ever give up.
+indumini Thankyou so much I felt some kind of inner peace after each every therapy talk.
And somehow those uneasiness to be able to sleep well are finally diminished.
I am starting to feel that my self esteem are coming back to me slowly each day.
Because before, I used to blame myself and I don't have much self confidence.
And I used to feel like there is something wrong with me like I am a bad child for having my own thoughts about decisions in my life that are something not my mom would pick out.
I used feel like wanting to listen to my inner voice or myself is being a bad girl because I am always afraid that mom already planned something about it and if I did not do occording to her plan then I am a bad daughter.
But now I realized that I just want to do me.
I just want to decide for myself now that I am growing and I don't wanna live somebody else's life.
Or that I just wanna be me.And I realized there is nothing wrong in wanting to express yourself as long as you are not hurting or looking down on other people.
I hope no more girls will go through what I had to go through.
Though I know that may seem impossible but I am starting with myself.
I will cut the chain of abuse starting to myself.
Thankyou for your time writing your words of encouragement and wisdom.
I hope God will bless you with good health, happiness and many more blessings. :)
takecare.
Thank you for your reply :) and you are so sweet. Thanks. I only told you things I have learnt too the hard way. I am glad it helped in some way for you. I totally know what you mean, that is how I felt too, and it will take a lot of time to heal completely, but you have to start somewhere and I think you are on the right track. Always remember, they are master manipulators. Unfortunately NPD is not too uncommon I think. Of course there are great people in this world but keep an eye out anyway for not just people with NPD, but for people who will try to take advantage of you when you are vulnerable. Cuz you need as much support as you can get to heal.
You should read up as much as you can on this subject and remember you always have your good heart and intelligence on your side. I am reading up on this too as much as possible. Here are two books you should try read, that I am finding to be helpful.
Will I Ever Be Good Enough?: Healing the Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers
Book by Karyl McBride
and
How to Deal with Narcissists: Why They Became Evil, How They Think, and Strategies and Techniques to Take Control
by Michael Trust (Author)
Also, be very careful to not let her know you think that way about her cuz in her mind she probably can't even imagine that she has a problem. And she could get dangerous. Keep ebooks or pdfs for the books, somewhere she can't get access to. Take care darling and good luck. God bless. You are beautiful and a good person. Always have faith and hope. You can do it!
My narcissistic mother will live forever because hell doesn't want the competition..
Her suggestion is not to set your narcissistic mom straight. She's saying that daughters of narcissists actually silence their own thoughts and feelings -- not just refraining from speaking their mind, but that they in some way come to refrain from even having a mind, feelings or thoughts ... period. So Julie Hank's tip in the video is to simply start expressing yourself. Not necessarily to your mom like to "fix" mom.
My mother either has narcissism or BPD--I'm not sure which. I only know that she's abusive and self-absorbed and always has been. I took her presents a few days before Christmas. She made it clear that she didn't want to see me. She never spoke to my husband or adult son who accompanied me. She has gotten close to a neighbor, and she told me repeatedly that he's her son now. In other words, "you're no longer my child." I was really hurt. She never even bothered to call me on Christmas. I was upset about it all through the holidays.
I feel I’ve been somewhat fortunate. My mother’s likely NPD didn’t really start to surface until about 2 years ago and I’m in my mid-fifties. This gave me the opportunity grow and individuate, as a person. I’ve never had any issue telling my mother no. I’ll say that my sister, however, may have been scapegoated so, she may have an utterly different story.
I am the new scapegoat however and, in more recent years, as my more became further entrenched in this disorder, we’d do BATTLE. We’d fight over the phone over who was over talking who, who needed to STFU and listen, etc. At this point, I don’t call her at all. I’m either treated with the respect I’m due or I’m out. I guess we’ve both discarded one another and my sister is the new Golden Child.
wish it were more than 2.5 mins on this subject that has taken me 38 years to work out so far! Maybe a whole channel or something might be better?
i have a hell of narcistic mother, really really horrable. she dont even want us(the kids) to be highly educated.
Perfect Advice
now that im older im so thankful for my narc mother, when i was younger i did not understand and when she used to go in her fits ive learned to tune her out. and when she drained me out emotionaly i had to learn how to deal with her because she is my mother. now that iam grown that prepared me for the real world. thanks to her i can handel anything
Indeed, they do hate to loose their accessories. I've been mothers little stand by daughter for as long as I remember. The one on the bench. She's been trying all she can to punish me back by several methods. Her favorite method is to manage to get you on the phone listening to her. She's failed that with me, but she's succeeded with my "bad" brother. He thinks it's enough not talking back, but to her that is the same as agreeing.
Yep she’s right about everything!
Can someone please tell me HOW DO YOU DEAL WITH THESE PROBLEMS AS A 12 YEAR OLD. I have no way of contacting a teacher/coach plus my friends don't even understand when I tell them. They think I'm being delusional and idiotic for hating my parents.
i have a 13 year old sister and we have a narcissistic mother and my advice to you is to read a lot of self help books and teach yourself important life skills that your parents failed to teach you because i am 100% sure that you're a very loving and intelligent individual with lots of potentials. always do the things you love, practice your hobbies and put YOUR happiness first.
Tammy Dalmooch Thank you for your advice. ;)
911....help...!
Child protective services asAp