It took my mom about a year to realize that the old me was gone forever. It was painful for both of us-she because she had to feel her feelings and grow up-and me because I had to withstand the guilt and obligation and gaslighting. But I did stand my ground and it was the single biggest accomplishment of my life. To finally be free. To finally be me!!
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I am SO PROUD of you!!!!!!!! I FINALLY know what that feels like too!!!! Finally, some freedom.
C P I do. But today we have a very different relationship than we had in the past. I finally learned how to stand up for myself and set boundaries. Not without a lot of work and growth through professional therapy but I did. You should also know that my mom is completely dependent on me now that my father has passed away and she lives alone in the home I grew up in. And she has nobody else. I had to tell her that if she continued to behave the way she did toward me that she would need to find someone else to look after her and I’d be OK with that. And that if she chose not to do anything that I could not have a relationship with her that way anymore. So I’ll never know if she’s doing it because she wants to or because she has to but at the very least she has made some changes. Who would’ve thought my mother in her 90s would thank me for spending time with her yesterday which I did when I brought her dinner.? Edit: One other thing. My mother never allowed herself to feel the grief from her own childhood trauma and loss. Instead of dealing with it she took it out on me in many ways needing me to be her caregiver and play the mother role to her even when I was a child. Growing up as a parentified child was tough and it took me a long time to get past that and to see forgiveness for both of us.
@@LinYouTooThank you for sharing youe experience. I think you've made a really great point that I've never heard anyone else express before.....that a traumarised parent looks to their child for the parenting / parental love they never received as a child. Its a cycle..until, like you've done, one generation owns their trauma and pain and takes steps to heal /deal with it and does not pass it on to the next generation.
1- Acccept your situation right now 2- Explore the negatives and what could go wrong with being the real you 3- Know that you will never be perfect but you are evolving 4- Resolve, prepare/plan and accept downsides blocking you which keep you in your current functioning, give up fantasies. 5 - Set boundaries
Why would someone I haven't seen in 20 years I promise not to talk about things I didn't want to talk about rant about religion politics and my father for the next 2 days following me around the house I left the next morning that's it
My abusive family kicked me out after they destroyed me by taking everything, my daughters, my sons, making sure I had nothing, and now my love of my life my boyfriend is in an abusive family he had been told all sorts of lies about me, especially that I'm evil I walked away from my parents, they made up reasons I don't even know about how I lost my kids, yet they were taken by lies that my abusive parents made up, my mom even tried to have me run over several times, her flying monkey was a woman that worked for MN attorney general so she knew how to corrupt the courts to take my kids, yet my boyfriend's abusers had him beLIEve these lies so now he left me, I feel so hurt and abandoned
@@tammywhite4727 you are better off now. “If they are willing to walk let them walk”. Do not talk people into loving you. Surround yourself with genuinely positive people or no one at all. That’s how I live my life now. God bless
It took me having a near death experience and begun a spiritual awakening at 40 for me to finally start changing and finding myself. And that’s when the demon in my mother really came out. She tried every tactic she knew to break me back down and take back control. It was as the saddest and scariest day of my life when I looked at here and realize I didn’t know her and she could careless who I was really because she had already created a version of me that she dump all her issues on and make me the bad guy. I realize she had no emotional connection to me and the connection I thought we had all these years was just a figment of my imagination so that I could not have to face reality. Honestly I don’t know how I feel shh be out her at this point . But it’s not love. You cannot authentically love someone who abused you and if they loved you they would never have abused you. I don’t believe that state that she loves me her own way. That’s just another gaslighting , invalidating, toxic positivity statement that people say because they don’t want to say the most heartbreaking thing in Hyde world “ your mother does not love you”. And that’s the truth and all the words and actions proved it
I did this and unfortunately no one in my family approved. I went no contact for three years now. I was scared and lonely at first but after the first year I now have a peace of mind that I never felt before and I’m still working on learning to love myself.
Believe In love I did the same ... took off at 17 and stayed away for 19 years. Now my mother is deceased but still carry the remnants of negative imprinting. Continue to work on myself. However, I was much healthier away from my family of origin. Good luck to you 💜💛💚💛💜
Donaca Tanguma thank you and I’m very grateful for these videos. For a very long time I always thought I was adopted like I never fit in with my family but thanks to the internet we now know we are not alone and what’s funny is I used to look for a video in the room like is anyone else seeing this crazy madness ha ha
Way to go, both of you! It would seem that freedom is always scary and risky and involves the same lonely-at-times independence of spirit that Jesus, Buddha, Patanjali, Socrates. Abe Lincoln, G.W. Carver and the Dalai Lama have all known. Which is why most people probably do not want to be free.
WOW, we have so many stories. We are all from different families of origin, cultures, geographical areas, ethnicities, social & economic classes, etc yet we have this 1 commonality. The need to belong to our tribe. The need to be part of a system, and to be acknowledged as a positive necessary part of the system. An encouraging warm smile, a sincere word of encouragement, and an equal give and take. Likewise, I could compliment a member of the tribe without being accused of manipulation. It seems so simple. We went to the same church. ( I have to include it because Jesus is #1. And since they are all model Catholics, and I'm an outcast for going to anything but Catholicism its pertinent to my life)What would Jesus do? And do that. I have a similar story to yours, Believe In Love, and to May Wolfes, And to Donaca Tonga. with added chapters, because I exposed my son to this sick tribe, and talk about chaos, Pandora's box opened, says it all. I just found Jerry Wise when I searched, once again, for anything on having a narcissistic Son. I think this is no coincidence I found this now. It is time to get serious about taking back my life and living the life I'm purposed for. I almost gave up this time. My son's betrayal and abuse and ghosting me left me despondent.Well "Suck it up Buttercup!" And get back in the game! Final case and point: WE ARE THE BLESSED ONES. We are seeking help and guidance for ourselves. We want out and by the grace of God we are all here. Think about it. Carpe' Diem & Godspeed!
My family says they are glad for me, but they really just want to stay in old dysfunctional patterns. They hate that I'm self-differentiated. Oh well, too bad for them. They are missing out.
You are the best therapist Ive seen. Growing up, I was not allowed to be my "self". It was not encouraged. I was kind, inquisitive, ambitious, creative, loved reading, and was friendly, but it was put down and discouraged. Compliance and denial of self was my survival. Now, Im focused on learning my "self" and doing what I want without feeling guilty.
I was ambitious, aggressive, intelligent and a bit hyper. I had that beaten out of me, then guilt/shamed for being passive and non confrontational in the world and beaten more..err I mean trained to fight better 🙄
You sound like me!! 👍 I too was inquisitive and very attuned to the spirit world and my mother said horrible things to me just last year at age 51 about me as a child so I pursued it with the authorities. I'm 52 and I have a law degree and thats never brought up in the " family.". I don't talk to any of them. I laugh at my mother now.
I got a lot of things out of this video, but the most important is this: You have to give up the fantasy that you can change people. If someone doesn't give you what you need, you have to accept it. Quit trying to change them. Quit needing them to change. If you don't you are putting yourself in a corner. You won't be able to grow, because you will be too busy seeking approval to focus on your own life. Find out where that need first came from. Childhood can imprint on us in such a strong way that we repeat old patterns over and over as adults. Find the unmet need, explore it, feel it, understand it, accept it, and let it go.
Jerry, your advice on your UA-cam channel has changed my life. I'm a child abuse survivor and am thriving. I will keep encouraging others to watch your videos and will continue to promote what you are doing here. You have helped me to have a peaceful home with my loved ones, my husband and children as a result of my healing, Your advice has helped me to make daily decisions that have brought more and more peace. Thank you from the bottom of my heart.
Mine too. All she cares about is not being criticized. She’s in her own head, but I’m not sure what she’s doing in there lol. Because there’s no introspection going on. Like Gerry said, I need to do the paradoxical forgiveness thing. I’ve never seen someone so void of emotions regarding others (ok, ME lol) and the effect it has.
TBD - I'm in the same boat. Mom is the "enabler" for my narc older who has never gotten past picking on me. . ."picking on" included sexually abusing me as a kid ("that's just kids being curious"), physically abusing me as a kid ("you have to learn to avoid these situations"), verbally abusing me which continues to this day ("that's just how he is" and "at least he's honest"). I'm 55, he's 58 now, and I'm just beginning to realize she's incapable of demanding better from him for herself or anyone else. He'll never abuse her to her face, in fact he makes a big show of "helping" her when she needs something, but he's said things in the past to me that indicate he has little respect for her as a person. When I was almost out of high school, he had bombed out of college and was flopping at our family's house when he wasn't doing drugs, leaving huge messes that I was expected to clean up before getting dinner started during the week. My dad had been diagnosed with chronic-progressive MS and Mom was trying to get back into the workforce because it was clear he would have to retire early. She was travelling out of town to get re-certified as a lab tech after 30 years, and my younger brother and I were tasked with housework she had normally done. They were very stressed about the financial implications. It was a very dark, depressing period in our home. I was exhausted one evening after cleaning up the kitchen from his mess so that I could fix dinner for my parents, younger brother, and myself. When she came home, I told her that it wasn't my job to clean up after him because he was doing literally nothing but using the house, eating the groceries I was supposed to use for dinner, etc. She said, "What am I supposed to do, throw him out on the street?" I don't remember exactly what I said in response, but I remember I was looking in the pantry when I felt her slap me on the backside. We were not raised in a house where hitting, or even being spanked, was the norm, so I know she was at her wits end when confronted with the fact that he was exploiting and abusing fhe situation. She was, and still is, paralyzed by the prospect of allowing him to suffer the consequences of his behavior. It must be so frustrating for her to always have to excuse or minimize his bad behavior (this includes blaming the victim) and excessively promote any accomplishment he manages (this includes hanging onto a job for more than 2 years). I've come to realize that I present a problem for her when I'm the victim she has to blame to defend him. I'm trying to get used to the idea that this won't change, so I have to stop expecting that and defend myself. He recently sent me a couple of hate-filled, insulting, name-calling emails for no discernable reason. I forwarded them to her, thinking "Now she'll see what I'm talking about" because they were so obviously indefensible. She literally just looked sad and shook her head. No acknowledgement that they would cause me pain, and were completely undeserved. She's literally incapable of criticizing him and I think she resents me for calling it to her attention. I'm struggling with the decision of whether to join in her fantasy of the "big happy family Thanksgiving" this year, which will involve all of us (my younger brother and his family of 5, my family of 4, narc bro and Mom) traveling together out of state to see his brand new grandchild. I'll be the scapegoat if I decline, but I'll be participating in a fraud (an expensive, inconvenient one, too) if I go.
I've tried over the years to have a relationship with my family and it always makes my mental health become seriously unwell. Estrangement is my only option now at 57 yrs. It's really hard and feels like I'm going again nature but it's not an ption really to find my resilience
I'm 46 and struggling with it as well. I really want to go no contact with the majority of my family of origin. Self doubt, shame and guilt are stopping me. Especially trying to explain to my children why they can no longer see their Grandparents, Uncles and Cousins.
Jerry, In my family of origin I was always put down. It was things like my laugh, my fair skin, my getting good grades, etc. It didn't matter. I came from an alcoholic home with no boundaries and no discipline whatsoever. My siblings, two of which were older and one younger. .......Still make faces at my hair, clothes, laugh, etc. It doesn't matter. They want to keep me down. I feel I can't be myself around them because I am not accepted. Yet, there still is a part of me that wants their love and acceptance that I intellectually known I will never get. I want to find out my true self and be it no matter who is in the room. It is sad that women in their 50s and even one gong to be 60 still act like they did in childhood. They are not into self development and have multiple addictions, food, gambling, shopping, etc. This is hard work but I'll keep trying. Thank you for all of your videos!
so sorry you have had to suffer so, as a woman that still sometimes behaves in old ways, but am trying to do better and better daily; i hope and pray for you and me and all of us because it's those of us who keep trying that makes it all worth it.
Isn't that the strangest thing? How we can "know better" but that yearning for acceptance still does not go away. I told my therapist that in order to be the kind of person my family wanted me to be, I would have to become a person I despised. I really like who I am! I am this person for a reason. But when you're not accepted...it's so hard to get away from the idea that it's because there is something wrong with you. Nothing could be further from the truth!
So sorry they're hurting you that way. Are they simply so weak, stupid, and insecure that this treatnent style they direct towards you is the only way they can feel like they are relating to you and loving you with the teasing or do they actually have real malice in their hearts and truly want to wound you? I think you should ask them plainly and directly face to face " are you trying to hurt my feelings? Are you trying to make me feel bad about myself? Are you intentionally trying to wound me?" Call them on it in in front of everyone and in private as well, if they do it in private. Maybe they will rethink their habits? maybe they need a little needling themselves to help them grow up. Please don't continue accepting bad treatment
@@chewyjello1 I totally understand... same for me. Isn't that the strangest thing? The people you call family, who you think might love you the most, actually don't. Whenever I'm around them I'm not myself anymore but the version of me they want to see. The longer I stay the more I lose myself. And I don't like the person I am when near them... not because this invented person is awful, but just not me. I feel never free with them. Like Mary Wolfe wrote I have this wish as well, that some day I might be able to be my true self no matter who is in the room. But for now I have to protect myself.
I have always been the scapegoat in my family of origin, and I believe a little better differentiated than my siblings in some ways due to the ole of scapegoat and other factors. When I retired from the police department and my husband and I moved to Germany for his job on a temporary assignment (we are still in Germany) , my family of origin experienced my move as an abandonment. After my narcissistic mother’s death three years ago older sister began to be very critical of the things I posted on social media-most of which dealt with therapeutic methods of recovering from childhood emotional and other abuse. I never reacted to her posts in anger and, most I didn’t respond to at all, as I knew she wanted me to be drawn into a heated argument. When I didn’t respond to her initial shots across the bow, she ramped up her criticisms. I still remained un provoked and non triggered. I decided to understand how she was impacted by my mother in our family of origin. This investigative method has allowed me to think and not emote, to understand rather than react. The things she said were full of anger, but really weren’t about me, but more the way she feels about herself. I was again just a convenient outlet for her. I’m writing a book about my childhood and the journey I’m on in recovery. I’m also studying psychology.
Dad had full blast narcissistic personality disorder. I stayed to help him and endured his serious verbal abuse. Thought it was all over when he passed. Nope. 20 years later am still paying the price. Wish I’d known all this then. I thought I was in control and immune. I did know how much it would damage me. I’m 70 years old and ruminate, suffer ptsd and have bad dreams. But now God is helping me. I fought learning. Not fun to face it. But I’m learning so much.
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I pray for your deep healing. It's never too late to have a different/better relationship with life and ourselves and an unconditionally loving God. Kudos and love to you for your courage and all that you have been through.
Thank You Jerry. Your videos are fantastic! Last year I informed my mother, who lives in a nursing home 6 blocks from me that I would be taking a care giving break, informed my sister who lives in another state and all hell broke loose! Without going into detail, it cost my husband and me $8,000 in legal fees as they conspired to try and have me arrested. I learned a great deal from this nightmare and the upside is that I have now gone completely no contact with the sister, whom I was unwilling to fully see the extent of her personality disorder. I am reclaiming my Selfhood and have a manageable and realistic relationship with my mother. Hard work and suffering can indeed bring wonderful rewards. Again, much gratitude to you.
OMG! After our last “discussion “ my mom was like where is all the empathy you used to have for me.. ughh
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I understand! I have FINALLY detached from being addicted to needing approval and health from my mom. I am not a doormat or engaged in it anymore. #somefreedom
I would like to add: If your relationship/marriage does not work out, do not come running home to Mom complaining and acting needy. The paradox of relationships! Moms must also make reasonable boundaries so that their adult children do not take advantage of them financially.
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Healthy boundaries are so good all the way around for all people involved! People can get bullied by their parents and by their children. Inner strength and love for self is so vital.
Every time I watch a Jerry video I end up rewatching it, rewinding bits and taking notes. . I am living a better life because of these videos. Everything is clearer. Thank you.
I always felt a certain way being forced to hug and hold hands during prayer with people at church. Every week, the pastor or speaker would tell us to greet our neighbors with a hug. My family and friends would alway say that I was just being difficult because there’s nothing wrong with holding hands and hugging people at church. I started to believe that something was wrong with me because people were so eager to do it. 🤷🏿♀️
I always hated that too. I'm an introvert. No, I don't want to touch you... or hug you because you happen to be near me in this church pew. I always said a great way to spread cold germs. LOL!
Selectfew, boundary is a big thing with me. I do not like folks encroaching on my space without my permission. What does love have to do with hugging strangers and why would you call it love? Sounds more like a momentary feeling.
Thank you Jerry for all you do for so many of us surviving wounded children trapped in adult bodies. I am learning to be a better me daily thanks to your loving guidance. I am working on keeping the focus on myself more, being less reactive, and dealing with my emotions in a more mature manner. Love and peace!
My mother-in-law told my husband that I was trying to tear them apart and separate him from them. I just wanted my husband to realize that I was tired of being placed 2nd in his life. None of them liked me becoming "real" and they still don't.
Stayce72 story of my life. I could've written this. Inlaws also all ganged up and excluded me. Back and forth never ending nonsense. My husband is so enmeshed and desperate for approval it's sad. I'm tired of being second constantly to my husband and as of today I'm going to be true to myself and what's best for my nuclear family. I have to lay down boundaries and stick to them. We are starting couples counselling soon so maybe that will work and maybe it won't. Either way I will not compromise my boundaries any longer.
I just turned 70 and only today found your channel. Unfortunately I have NO living family or living family of my parents. I grew up in a very sorrowful and abusive home with my two brothers. I wish I could have had webcasts to listen to after surviving an emotionally abusive, and at times physical, marriage that ended only due to infidelity on his part. I loved seeing my mother as much as I could and as much as she needed me. I lost her too soon, as well as my immediate family in 6 yrs. Thankfully the best thing I got out of my marriage 3 beautiful children and 6 grandchildren who all live in my city. I’ve been a lost soul and spirit up till now. I’m now learning to let my children grow on their own and establish my own boundaries as far as I’m concerned. I feel I’ve become too close and reliant on their love. I’m feeling lost in this Pandemic but we’re never too old to learn right? I hate playing the Victim card. Thanks for all your loved and much needed advice Jerry.
You are so welcome Jayne! “Standing Strong as an Adult Child of the Narcissist” Workshop A great workshop for ACOA’s, ACON’s, and any of you who come from dysfunctional families! Workshop leader: Jerry Wise, MA, MS, CLC LIVE July 17th, 2021 Saturday, 1-5pm Eastern time On Zoom Topics: The Illusions of the Narcissist The Trauma of Adult Children of Narcissists Living in the War Zone 7 Things People Don’t Realize You’re Doing Because You Were Raised by a Narcissist 10 Ways Children of Narcissists Love Differently Healing Your Inner Parts and Inner Bonding Resisting Self-hate, Self-shaming, Self-rejection, Self-abandonment Cutting the Emotional Umbilical Cord: Going No Contact or Low Contact with Toxic Parents Superpowers All Adult Children of Narcissists Have And more… Lead by Jerry Wise Founder of Jerry Wise Relationship Systems and You-tubber of over 250 videos. Q & A Role Plays Volunteer participation You will receive the recorded workshop You will receive the notes for the workshop www.jerrywiserelationshipsystems.com/events
I have always gotten irritated at this drive to do everything perfectly, I never understood where it came from or how to stop it because I didnt know how it came to be but now I know. I appreciate the time you take to share your wisdom and skills to help people like me.
Thank you for this! For years I was judged by others in the family for making my own choices, there was much gossip and rejection for not "being" what everyone else wanted me to be. It had nothing to do with sin, just that I didn't think the way they wanted me to think.
I have been watching your videos now for several weeks and find your approach, insight and knowledge so easy to listen to and understand. What plays out unconsciously amazes me and without this valuable insight to pull back those layers to see into our Self.. we are lost to repeat behaviors that continually abandon who we really are. “To thine own Self be true” Thank you for your work and these wonderful videos to help us.
Self differentiated - who knew this would be fought against so vehemently by your very own family 😳. Madness. Hope to get out THIS YEAR and re-establish my personal sovereignty/autonomy and the happiness that naturally comes with that.... I remember it well, before the crazy started....
I’ve had big difficulties to become a new me, the one I want to be. The resistance was so HUGE that I could not understand it. It is still going on! Even my computer stopped working! And peopke around me are pullling back FORCEFULKY! They say that they care, are worried... the truth us that they need their scapegoat. There is no reflections when I talk about my feelings. I must get out of this!
Thank you Jerry for doing these videos. I have been struggling with many things in my life from childhood trauma and abuse. I have been struggling with alcohol abuse since I was 12 years old and I am 35 years old now. I've noticed the connection between my triggers and certain people in my life. I distanced myself from them and when I did that I noticed they began calling me more and wanting to hang out more. I put up my boundaries with them and I let my guard down with them recently, so I relapsed and I've been beating myself up since it happened. Thank you for reminding me that I am the way I am because of my childhood, that made me realize I was making myself depressed. Just feeling so guilty shameful and disappointed with myself lately, this video really helped me turn away from this thinking.
This is great, when I started doing this it feels so uncomfortable. I have been practicing these techniques in my intimate relationships and it can make me feel disregulated as it’s Such a new thing to regroove. The guilt I would sometimes feel is tremendous and can be triggering in itself! But I am getting better x as I would say ‘putting my adult pants on’ 😃 I have worked through all of this with my mum over the last year! It’s slowly healthily getting much better x
I’ve found that a key to holding my boundaries is just practicing “not caring” what the other person thinks. Q: do narcs enmesh with you or is that more of a codependent trait?
Thank you so much, Jerry, I find so much knowledge and substance in your advice. You help me a lot to recover from my past trauma. Until now I only found explanations for what happened to me, why my life was as it was, without me being aware of that long line of narcissist predators [and I'm not exaggerating!] in all my past human connections. I'm taking back my authentic me now, and I want you to receive my gratitude. It's the first time I'm finding solutions, and this is in your counselling. So I can confirm to myself that the measures I intuitively took were the right ones - and I can see now how I can step forward confidently. Thank you, you are saving another human being! Al the best from Europe!
Thank you Jerry. I have the hardest time with the forgiveness and regret piece. I was looking for videos on that topic. Thank you for touching on that. I have so much regret for not realizing it sooner how abusive this whole warped relationship was. Regret that I lost many years. Wish I figured it out sooner etc I feel like I lost time I cannot get back. My mother is elderly now and there are still moments when I'm on the phone and feel like screaming at her. But I don't. It's hard work. She's an exact description of your opening to this video. Demanding, controlling, etc. Thank you again and I appreciate you mentioning the forgiveness piece. I need to do more of that.
This was another wonderful video! I think I may chose some of my favorites and take notes on them. I could use the notes to help with journaling and further introspection. Thank you so much for putting this out into the world. When your book comes out I'll definitely be buying it! On another note, I do wish "working out financial arrangments" were as easy as it sounds. I'm living in a home that belongs to my family. As a single mom who does not get child support and makes just enough money to not qualify for any aid, I don't know how I could afford to move out. I'm paycheck to paycheck as it is. I would love to hear some advice on how to keep boundaries in place when you have no choice but to depend on family financially.
I’ve rewatched this video so many times and am so grateful for your wisdom! I know I’ll be a work in progress for a long time, but your videos are such an amazing reinforcement for me. Thank you for what you do, Jerry! I came across your videos about a year ago and they have helped me so much! You’re wise, indeed!❤️
thanks so much for your comments in the video above. wish I had this good advise years ago. I could never put up effective boundaries with my parents. my mother was always sick and if I upset her by speaking up for my needs, her blood pressure would go way up she would get a migraine headache. From my earliest childhood I had to walk on eggshells to keep her from having a stroke or a heart attack. every problem she had was my fault. I was more of a Slave in my parents house than I was a daughter. My father was always elsewhere so I never got any help from him either. I took care of my mother until she passed away. I was in my late forties when she died. she made sure I could never move away. every time I got a paycheck she already had plans on how she would spend it on something for her. because she was too ill to have a job her financial support fell on me. wish I had your videos back then.
My mother would pretend her blood pressure is rising beyond control and would lie unconscious because me and my sister didn't follow her instructions. I was 10 when this was happening.
In his book "The Three Faces of Love" Paul Hauck calls this resistance to change "countermoves." This book progresses the reader into the third face which is action.
You look great Jerry! Proud of your growth and happy to watch all your helpful videos that show your before/after process! Thank you for being such a wonderful inspiration for long-lasting change in our lives. You are appreciated!
Good for you... Please join as a paid member for $1.99/month on my UA-cam channel, click JOIN and support the free videos on my UA-cam channel, also you will get notifications of upcoming events and additional helpful recovery information. Also, Please sign up for the upcoming workshop “Getting Your Family of Origin Out of You” Workshop Date: February 6, Saturday Time: 1pm EST - 5pm EST Zoom www.jerrywiserelationshipsystems.com/events [Even if you are not able to attend, if you sign up for this workshop, I will send you your own copy of the full workshop and the workshop notes]
Jerry sir Thanks for uploading such good videos. U are a great help and blessing to all those ailing souls across the world When we are going through it we don't realise what is happening All you know is there is something wrong which is giving you a brain fog confusion etc U are a great teacher And a guru Keep uploading your videos Subscribed and liked. That is the minimum thing as a viewer i can do God bless you sir and wishing you a great health and happiness and peace Lots of love and respect 🙏🏻🙏🏻👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻
Thank you for each word. Even if l can't talk to my parents like that,l am developing a system of excuses and obligation than keeps them less present in our lives. Now the problem is that l'm the only evil witch that preaches, criticize,demands and chase a poor child out of bed and to school,to a walk,to the store ... Losing it's affection,since all the forbidden was alowed at Grandma's (both,along with an grand-grand ma) whille she was small,and then at teenage years when rules and expectations are changing they regularly acuse me of not rasing her well,whille she is becoming rude and selfish, careless and extremely materialistic,and we cannot afford to make her dreams real,so she gives me hard times and bad words...So it comes down to me again....That is why l have gave up my life and real-life friends ,all l got is few words exchanged on soc.medias or in sms ,and than l get social workers acusing me for bot being a good example to her,and that l'm being unsocial...As a single parent who takes care of it's mother too,l have only few hours of free time daily ,not enough for fitting in with other people's schedules.l know my story isn't unique,many women ended up like this,yet l am still surprised how l can't put it in order... somehow.
Most of the videos I've seen on UA-cam about this topic gives good advice but your videos gives a more thorough explanation that goes straight to the jugular vein. It's like I finally found the tree of life! At my age of 62 I can also say "ain't no wine before its time!"and "seek and you'll find!" Your videos are the medicine I've been looking for so when I leave the cocoon I will fly! Thank you very much for your purpose!
Unfortunately my idea of how my relationship with my Mom should go was already unacceptable to her. Both my wife and I were already trying to work out a healthy arrangement when we were temporarily living with my parents. We tried very hard to work things out. It was always turned back to their perspective, desires and convenience. Not to mention the lying and emotional abuse. I can't trust them until they accept responsibility for who they are. If they ever do and I can't make that happen.
This is worth 10 million views! Thank you for this awesome personal development and the cherry on top is that you are such a well informed CHRISTIAN believer. Please think about conducting trainings and workshops for all clergy.
Wow yes you're right. Takes courage. The shaming stuff from some characters in the family can knock you off track a bit. Could do with more tips how to handle that.
My bro has cut off his relationships with his family of origin, with his siblings, and goes rarely to see his mom. Calls her only when he is not with his wife. His wife´s family of origin, wife´s relatives and wife´s friends are very closely knitted with his adult family, at least used to be. The whole pattern and it´s effect on his family of origin, is dysfunctional and there´s narcissistic personality disorder, a total lack of empathy, it is awful. Of course, the dysfunctionality in our family of origin is there, too.
what if it feels icky to speak to your abusers/family members about your feelings? you know? it just creeps me out to tell them my feelings because they don't care and will use it against me.
Save your sincerity for people who are sincere and real and open with you! It is so hard to accept that some people simply cannot be reached emotionally, no matter how carefully you communicate your feelings. Some people are armored and closed-off.
Holy mackerel! All those pushback accusations, threats are bang on. "you're a horrible person, bad christian, going to pay, going to be alone no one else will ever care about you or your kids" etc from my mom and sister. Had to go no contact with abusive narcissist spouse for safety sake.
this video is brilliant. just from listening to jerry's videos I am realizing that I am really co dependent with my mom. when I was a kid, I needed to enmesh with her to survive because of an alcoholic abusive dad and my own shyness and pain and she was using me as a "partner" in some ways because my dad was absent emotionally. very sick. and I grew up and just continued that pattern. my fear is that I cannot form a close relationship with anyone else and in fact this has been the case. I am now 55 years old and my mom is still my only close friend although our relationship has become extremely strained and painful to me because I let her move in with me after her stroke. it is proving to be too much for me psychologically, physically and financially. added to this mess is my sister is a complete narcissist who tortures me for sport using my mom as leverage. I could go on but you get the gist. anyway, if I was completely selfish I would force her out of here. it's complicated though because of her age and health and my lack of support. but this video is showing me the dynamics of what is going on here. just priceless. thank you jerry.
Leave your mother and father and cleave to your wife. Tell your mother that you are grown and want to spend time with your new wife. Suggest she join a book club or SR citizens center. Say, mom I am grown and I want to live my own life, I love you but I need my own life. Stick to your guns!
you have to create a role for her, something which is neither here nor there to you, but can give her life some new meaning. If she is not able to create something to fill the empty space, she will be like a black hole. As long as she still feels 'important'. It is just a matter of compassion with self preservation balanced out. True, offer her a solution to which you can control. Everyone will love you for your wisdom and kindness. "Mom, we've been talking and were wondering if you would be able to help us......."then go into an 'imaginary issue' kind of like a 'job creation' where you set the boundaries, one that requires contact but not necessarily to have personal communication, one to which they feel only she could help them with'. (Of course it has to be something that would in reality really help you, she will know if you are being condescending) and then let her rip......you can guarantee that if you create the right conditions, life will spontaneously happen, so......who knows how you could help her steer herself into the right direction, meet people she never would have met, exposed to opportunities she never would have had, just because she thought she was helping you. Things evolve into other things, I know that this works. Sometimes the meaning people create for their lives is really horrible, and sometimes these people are in our lives so that we can help them create a new meaning. When this happens, they start to self energise instead of vampireing off other people. It is worth a try, Now I am not saying that there are not a lot of people who are pathological and cannot be helped, but at least this exercise will expose if they are reacting as 'victim who needs help' as opposed to malicious intent. You will truly know the problem that you are dealing with if it doesn't work and you won't be wasting your time being worried about hurt and manipulation....you will take action out of self preservation.
mom will be sending the flying monkeys to me... LOL I love these videos they are super helpful and insightful but funny too. I can't believe Jerry even exists. Seems to good to be true.
Wauw, i can not handle the unacceptable way of the reaction from my father. He wants me to take care of him but because I hardly have seen him in my childhood I didn't have a connection with him and still have not till this day. He is demanding me to deal with his problems. I'm in a chronicle state of depression because of the things I went trough so I cannot go to him accepting all of the accusation he is throwing at me. I just quit seeing him feeling 30% guilt and 70% releave.
I....am left with; jaw-clenching, ground teeth and picking at my bodily scabs. P.T.S.D. Gonna take a while..but I will learn to love myself again n be able to stop these "self medications'.😉😊😜😎😍
Hi, Jerry; and thank you for your endeavors. I'm a little bit confused about the mother conflict. I keep seeing and reading about how our culture has been diminished by the way our families have become separated instead of being the communities that they used to be and the communities that they are in other cultures, where the family is just together the extended family are always around the children and part of their growth Etc.. Which model is actually better? Clearly they are distinctly different and this isn't the kind of problem where moderation seems like the appropriate answer
Emotional separateness is something quite different from community or societal adhesiveness. More emotional separation is needed for their to be more societal and familial closeness. I'm not sure what you mean by moderation of what?
@@jerrywise thank you for replying, jerry. "Moderation" as a word to facilitate measured contact; but It occurred to me that the "village" model won't work in our culture because we're so divided in so many other ways too; home locations, lifestyles, work and family time challenges. It seems we're all slaves to this model unless we're among the lucky few who can make radical changes to their environments, lifestyles, jobs, schools. The inlawed mother/daughter might benefit from a bit of a shift in attitude, ego, expectations, and perhaps a bit of coming together in gratitude vs. conflict because it seems the conflict is already there, just waiting to be ejaculated? Once again, thankyou for your endeavors. Some of the ideas you share are relevant to my own challenges and the vicissitudes of what we've come to believe in as "true love" as people can change dramatically over the course of a 25 year marriage. Thank you. Sorry for the bla bla; got a little off topic there. Really just wanted to say thanks. Have the best year yet!
I was abused by both parents because I was an LGBT child. After a long physical and mental abuse, I left my parents house in 2018. I went so far away. I moved to the states. It’s been 12 years that I haven’t seen my family. I think about them a lot. I still cry and wonder if they will ever be proud of me. I just turned 38 and I still can’t believe what happened to me from both of them. and yet they don’t feel sorry.
Hi Mylon, I’m glad this video was helpful to you. Thank you very much for considering to donate, I really appreciate it! Here is the link for donations www.jerrywiserelationshipsystems.com/donations
It took my mom about a year to realize that the old me was gone forever. It was painful for both of us-she because she had to feel her feelings and grow up-and me because I had to withstand the guilt and obligation and gaslighting. But I did stand my ground and it was the single biggest accomplishment of my life. To finally be free. To finally be me!!
I am SO PROUD of you!!!!!!!! I FINALLY know what that feels like too!!!! Finally, some freedom.
Do you still talk to your mom?
C P I do. But today we have a very different relationship than we had in the past. I finally learned how to stand up for myself and set boundaries. Not without a lot of work and growth through professional therapy but I did. You should also know that my mom is completely dependent on me now that my father has passed away and she lives alone in the home I grew up in. And she has nobody else. I had to tell her that if she continued to behave the way she did toward me that she would need to find someone else to look after her and I’d be OK with that. And that if she chose not to do anything that I could not have a relationship with her that way anymore. So I’ll never know if she’s doing it because she wants to or because she has to but at the very least she has made some changes. Who would’ve thought my mother in her 90s would thank me for spending time with her yesterday which I did when I brought her dinner.?
Edit: One other thing. My mother never allowed herself to feel the grief from her own childhood trauma and loss. Instead of dealing with it she took it out on me in many ways needing me to be her caregiver and play the mother role to her even when I was a child. Growing up as a parentified child was tough and it took me a long time to get past that and to see forgiveness for both of us.
@@LinYouTooThank you for sharing youe experience. I think you've made a really great point that I've never heard anyone else express before.....that a traumarised parent looks to their child for the parenting / parental love they never received as a child. Its a cycle..until, like you've done, one generation owns their trauma and pain and takes steps to heal /deal with it and does not pass it on to the next generation.
✨🙏👏
1- Acccept your situation right now
2- Explore the negatives and what could go wrong with being the real you
3- Know that you will never be perfect but you are evolving
4- Resolve, prepare/plan and accept downsides blocking you which keep you in your current functioning, give up fantasies.
5 - Set boundaries
Why would someone I haven't seen in 20 years I promise not to talk about things I didn't want to talk about rant about religion politics and my father for the next 2 days following me around the house I left the next morning that's it
I cut off both my abusing parents. I get my advice from my Heavenly Father, and Jerry Wise. I am blessed. Great job Jerry.
Samuel Carr ..AMEEEEN.BROOO¿¿¡😉😇😀
I am in a loving and healthy relationship with my Heavenly Father too 😭💕🌸❤️
My abusive family kicked me out after they destroyed me by taking everything, my daughters, my sons, making sure I had nothing, and now my love of my life my boyfriend is in an abusive family he had been told all sorts of lies about me, especially that I'm evil I walked away from my parents, they made up reasons I don't even know about how I lost my kids, yet they were taken by lies that my abusive parents made up, my mom even tried to have me run over several times, her flying monkey was a woman that worked for MN attorney general so she knew how to corrupt the courts to take my kids, yet my boyfriend's abusers had him beLIEve these lies so now he left me, I feel so hurt and abandoned
@@tammywhite4727 you are better off now. “If they are willing to walk let them walk”. Do not talk people into loving you. Surround yourself with genuinely positive people or no one at all. That’s how I live my life now. God bless
@@samcarrs thank you so very much
It took me having a near death experience and begun a spiritual awakening at 40 for me to finally start changing and finding myself. And that’s when the demon in my mother really came out. She tried every tactic she knew to break me back down and take back control. It was as the saddest and scariest day of my life when I looked at here and realize I didn’t know her and she could careless who I was really because she had already created a version of me that she dump all her issues on and make me the bad guy. I realize she had no emotional connection to me and the connection I thought we had all these years was just a figment of my imagination so that I could not have to face reality. Honestly I don’t know how I feel shh be out her at this point . But it’s not love. You cannot authentically love someone who abused you and if they loved you they would never have abused you. I don’t believe that state that she loves me her own way. That’s just another gaslighting , invalidating, toxic positivity statement that people say because they don’t want to say the most heartbreaking thing in Hyde world “ your mother does not love you”. And that’s the truth and all the words and actions proved it
I did this and unfortunately no one in my family approved. I went no contact for three years now. I was scared and lonely at first but after the first year I now have a peace of mind that I never felt before and I’m still working on learning to love myself.
Believe In love
I did the same ... took off at 17 and stayed away for 19 years. Now my mother is deceased but still carry the remnants of negative imprinting. Continue to work on myself. However, I was much healthier away from my family of origin. Good luck to you
💜💛💚💛💜
Donaca Tanguma thank you and I’m very grateful for these videos. For a very long time I always thought I was adopted like I never fit in with my family but thanks to the internet we now know we are not alone and what’s funny is I used to look for a video in the room like is anyone else seeing this crazy madness ha ha
Way to go, both of you! It would seem that freedom is always scary and risky and involves the same lonely-at-times independence of spirit that Jesus, Buddha, Patanjali, Socrates. Abe Lincoln, G.W. Carver and the Dalai Lama have all known. Which is why most people probably do not want to be free.
WOW, we have so many stories. We are all from different families of origin, cultures, geographical areas, ethnicities, social & economic classes, etc yet we have this 1 commonality. The need to belong to our tribe. The need to be part of a system, and to be acknowledged as a positive necessary part of the system. An encouraging warm smile, a sincere word of encouragement, and an equal give and take. Likewise, I could compliment a member of the tribe without being accused of manipulation. It seems so simple. We went to the same church. ( I have to include it because Jesus is #1. And since they are all model Catholics, and I'm an outcast for going to anything but Catholicism its pertinent to my life)What would Jesus do? And do that. I have a similar story to yours, Believe In Love, and to May Wolfes, And to Donaca Tonga. with added chapters, because I exposed my son to this sick tribe, and talk about chaos, Pandora's box opened, says it all. I just found Jerry Wise when I searched, once again, for anything on having a narcissistic Son. I think this is no coincidence I found this now. It is time to get serious about taking back my life and living the life I'm purposed for. I almost gave up this time. My son's betrayal and abuse and ghosting me left me despondent.Well "Suck it up Buttercup!" And get back in the game! Final case and point: WE ARE THE BLESSED ONES. We are seeking help and guidance for ourselves. We want out and by the grace of God we are all here. Think about it. Carpe' Diem & Godspeed!
My family says they are glad for me, but they really just want to stay in old dysfunctional patterns. They hate that I'm self-differentiated. Oh well, too bad for them. They are missing out.
You are the best therapist Ive seen. Growing up, I was not allowed to be my "self". It was not encouraged. I was kind, inquisitive, ambitious, creative, loved reading, and was friendly, but it was put down and discouraged. Compliance and denial of self was my survival. Now, Im focused on learning my "self" and doing what I want without feeling guilty.
I grew up with "my nose in a book" and got rıdıculed. I tell myself ıt was my way of rebellion.
I was ambitious, aggressive, intelligent and a bit hyper. I had that beaten out of me, then guilt/shamed for being passive and non confrontational in the world and beaten more..err I mean trained to fight better 🙄
@@Shamilt3 u cant win with these toxic people
You sound like me!! 👍 I too was inquisitive and very attuned to the spirit world and my mother said horrible things to me just last year at age 51 about me as a child so I pursued it with the authorities. I'm 52 and I have a law degree and thats never brought up in the " family.". I don't talk to any of them. I laugh at my mother now.
@@kimberlynorato135 Same. I've been told I should of been a lawyer because I can argue.
I got a lot of things out of this video, but the most important is this: You have to give up the fantasy that you can change people. If someone doesn't give you what you need, you have to accept it. Quit trying to change them. Quit needing them to change. If you don't you are putting yourself in a corner. You won't be able to grow, because you will be too busy seeking approval to focus on your own life. Find out where that need first came from. Childhood can imprint on us in such a strong way that we repeat old patterns over and over as adults. Find the unmet need, explore it, feel it, understand it, accept it, and let it go.
Jerry, your advice on your UA-cam channel has changed my life. I'm a child abuse survivor and am thriving. I will keep encouraging others to watch your videos and will continue to promote what you are doing here. You have helped me to have a peaceful home with my loved ones, my husband and children as a result of my healing, Your advice has helped me to make daily decisions that have brought more and more peace. Thank you from the bottom of my heart.
❤
that's amazing
My mom denies my whole childhood experience. It’s exhausting.And it gets ugly.
Lori B Why are you even talking about it? It’s over. No one cares.
Selectfew You're making excuses to act like a lunatic. Knock it off. You're going to be old, alone & miserable just because you want to be right.
It's Okay to Eat Mayo ...sorry for you - cos nobody care about you - for SURE ¡¿¡😉
Mine too. All she cares about is not being criticized. She’s in her own head, but I’m not sure what she’s doing in there lol. Because there’s no introspection going on. Like Gerry said, I need to do the paradoxical forgiveness thing. I’ve never seen someone so void of emotions regarding others (ok, ME lol) and the effect it has.
TBD - I'm in the same boat. Mom is the "enabler" for my narc older who has never gotten past picking on me. . ."picking on" included sexually abusing me as a kid ("that's just kids being curious"), physically abusing me as a kid ("you have to learn to avoid these situations"), verbally abusing me which continues to this day ("that's just how he is" and "at least he's honest"). I'm 55, he's 58 now, and I'm just beginning to realize she's incapable of demanding better from him for herself or anyone else. He'll never abuse her to her face, in fact he makes a big show of "helping" her when she needs something, but he's said things in the past to me that indicate he has little respect for her as a person. When I was almost out of high school, he had bombed out of college and was flopping at our family's house when he wasn't doing drugs, leaving huge messes that I was expected to clean up before getting dinner started during the week. My dad had been diagnosed with chronic-progressive MS and Mom was trying to get back into the workforce because it was clear he would have to retire early. She was travelling out of town to get re-certified as a lab tech after 30 years, and my younger brother and I were tasked with housework she had normally done. They were very stressed about the financial implications. It was a very dark, depressing period in our home. I was exhausted one evening after cleaning up the kitchen from his mess so that I could fix dinner for my parents, younger brother, and myself. When she came home, I told her that it wasn't my job to clean up after him because he was doing literally nothing but using the house, eating the groceries I was supposed to use for dinner, etc. She said, "What am I supposed to do, throw him out on the street?" I don't remember exactly what I said in response, but I remember I was looking in the pantry when I felt her slap me on the backside. We were not raised in a house where hitting, or even being spanked, was the norm, so I know she was at her wits end when confronted with the fact that he was exploiting and abusing fhe situation. She was, and still is, paralyzed by the prospect of allowing him to suffer the consequences of his behavior. It must be so frustrating for her to always have to excuse or minimize his bad behavior (this includes blaming the victim) and excessively promote any accomplishment he manages (this includes hanging onto a job for more than 2 years). I've come to realize that I present a problem for her when I'm the victim she has to blame to defend him. I'm trying to get used to the idea that this won't change, so I have to stop expecting that and defend myself. He recently sent me a couple of hate-filled, insulting, name-calling emails for no discernable reason. I forwarded them to her, thinking "Now she'll see what I'm talking about" because they were so obviously indefensible. She literally just looked sad and shook her head. No acknowledgement that they would cause me pain, and were completely undeserved. She's literally incapable of criticizing him and I think she resents me for calling it to her attention. I'm struggling with the decision of whether to join in her fantasy of the "big happy family Thanksgiving" this year, which will involve all of us (my younger brother and his family of 5, my family of 4, narc bro and Mom) traveling together out of state to see his brand new grandchild. I'll be the scapegoat if I decline, but I'll be participating in a fraud (an expensive, inconvenient one, too) if I go.
They didn’t like how I changed & told me that I was getting the wrong advice!
No contact 14 months now from them.
Oh the serenity ♥️
I've tried over the years to have a relationship with my family and it always makes my mental health become seriously unwell. Estrangement is my only option now at 57 yrs. It's really hard and feels like I'm going again nature but it's not an ption really to find my resilience
I'm 46 and struggling with it as well. I really want to go no contact with the majority of my family of origin. Self doubt, shame and guilt are stopping me. Especially trying to explain to my children why they can no longer see their Grandparents, Uncles and Cousins.
Jerry, In my family of origin I was always put down. It was things like my laugh, my fair skin, my getting good grades, etc. It didn't matter. I came from an alcoholic home with no boundaries and no discipline whatsoever. My siblings, two of which were older and one younger. .......Still make faces at my hair, clothes, laugh, etc. It doesn't matter. They want to keep me down. I feel I can't be myself around them because I am not accepted. Yet, there still is a part of me that wants their love and acceptance that I intellectually known I will never get. I want to find out my true self and be it no matter who is in the room. It is sad that women in their 50s and even one gong to be 60 still act like they did in childhood. They are not into self development and have multiple addictions, food, gambling, shopping, etc. This is hard work but I'll keep trying. Thank you for all of your videos!
so sorry you have had to suffer so, as a woman that still sometimes behaves in old ways, but am trying to do better and better daily; i hope and pray for you and me and all of us because it's those of us who keep trying that makes it all worth it.
Isn't that the strangest thing? How we can "know better" but that yearning for acceptance still does not go away. I told my therapist that in order to be the kind of person my family wanted me to be, I would have to become a person I despised. I really like who I am! I am this person for a reason. But when you're not accepted...it's so hard to get away from the idea that it's because there is something wrong with you. Nothing could be further from the truth!
I just want to give you a hug. I understand somewhat what you feel. I just want to say I'm sorry and hope you know that you are of great worth!
So sorry they're hurting you that way.
Are they simply so weak, stupid, and insecure that this treatnent style they direct towards you is the only way they can feel like they are relating to you and loving you with the teasing or do they actually have real malice in their hearts and truly want to wound you?
I think you should ask them plainly and directly face to face " are you trying to hurt my feelings? Are you trying to make me feel bad about myself? Are you intentionally trying to wound me?"
Call them on it in in front of everyone and in private as well, if they do it in private.
Maybe they will rethink their habits?
maybe they need a little needling themselves to help them grow up. Please don't continue accepting bad treatment
@@chewyjello1 I totally understand... same for me.
Isn't that the strangest thing? The people you call family, who you think might love you the most, actually don't. Whenever I'm around them I'm not myself anymore but the version of me they want to see. The longer I stay the more I lose myself. And I don't like the person I am when near them... not because this invented person is awful, but just not me. I feel never free with them.
Like Mary Wolfe wrote I have this wish as well, that some day I might be able to be my true self no matter who is in the room. But for now I have to protect myself.
I have always been the scapegoat in my family of origin, and I believe a little better differentiated than my siblings in some ways due to the ole of scapegoat and other factors. When I retired from the police department and my husband and I moved to Germany for his job on a temporary assignment (we are still in Germany) , my family of origin experienced my move as an abandonment. After my narcissistic mother’s death three years ago older sister began to be very critical of the things I posted on social media-most of which dealt with therapeutic methods of recovering from childhood emotional and other abuse. I never reacted to her posts in anger and, most I didn’t respond to at all, as I knew she wanted me to be drawn into a heated argument.
When I didn’t respond to her initial shots across the bow, she ramped up her criticisms. I still remained un provoked and non triggered. I decided to understand how she was impacted by my mother in our family of origin. This investigative method has allowed me to think and not emote, to understand rather than react. The things she said were full of anger, but really weren’t about me, but more the way she feels about herself. I was again just a convenient outlet for her.
I’m writing a book about my childhood and the journey I’m on in recovery. I’m also studying psychology.
@June Peyer - I sincerely hope you have been able to write that book you wanted to write. Stay blessed 🙏
God bless your heart and keep you going strong
Thank you for your post. I really identify with you. Peace & Joy to you 🎄
The more I listen to your videos the more they reassure my decisions.. Thank you
Dad had full blast narcissistic personality disorder. I stayed to help him and endured his serious verbal abuse. Thought it was all over when he passed. Nope. 20 years later am still paying the price. Wish I’d known all this then. I thought I was in control and immune. I did know how much it would damage me. I’m 70 years old and ruminate, suffer ptsd and have bad dreams. But now God is helping me. I fought learning. Not fun to face it. But I’m learning so much.
I pray for your deep healing. It's never too late to have a different/better relationship with life and ourselves and an unconditionally loving God. Kudos and love to you for your courage and all that you have been through.
Thank You Jerry. Your videos are fantastic! Last year I informed my mother, who lives in a nursing home 6 blocks from me that I would be taking a care giving break, informed my sister who lives in another state and all hell broke loose! Without going into detail, it cost my husband and me $8,000 in legal fees as they conspired to try and have me arrested. I learned a great deal from this nightmare and the upside is that I have now gone completely no contact with the sister, whom I was unwilling to fully see the extent of her personality disorder. I am reclaiming my Selfhood and have a manageable and realistic relationship with my mother. Hard work and suffering can indeed bring wonderful rewards. Again, much gratitude to you.
OMG! After our last “discussion “ my mom was like where is all the empathy you used to have for me.. ughh
I understand! I have FINALLY detached from being addicted to needing approval and health from my mom. I am not a doormat or engaged in it anymore. #somefreedom
Oh mannnnn!!!!!
I would like to add: If your relationship/marriage does not work out, do not come running home to Mom complaining and acting needy. The paradox of relationships! Moms must also make reasonable boundaries so that their adult children do not take advantage of them financially.
Healthy boundaries are so good all the way around for all people involved! People can get bullied by their parents and by their children. Inner strength and love for self is so vital.
Every time I watch a Jerry video I end up rewatching it, rewinding bits and taking notes. . I am living a better life because of these videos. Everything is clearer. Thank you.
I always felt a certain way being forced to hug and hold hands during prayer with people at church. Every week, the pastor or speaker would tell us to greet our neighbors with a hug. My family and friends would alway say that I was just being difficult because there’s nothing wrong with holding hands and hugging people at church. I started to believe that something was wrong with me because people were so eager to do it. 🤷🏿♀️
I always hated that too. I'm an introvert. No, I don't want to touch you... or hug you because you happen to be near me in this church pew. I always said a great way to spread cold germs. LOL!
Selectfew, boundary is a big thing with me. I do not like folks encroaching on my space without my permission. What does love have to do with hugging strangers and why would you call it love? Sounds more like a momentary feeling.
I get you.
I can't stand the fake bulshit hugs. And if you give someone a real hug they act like they're creeped out. F*** them
Thank you Jerry for all you do for so many of us surviving wounded children trapped in adult bodies. I am learning to be a better me daily thanks to your loving guidance. I am working on keeping the focus on myself more, being less reactive, and dealing with my emotions in a more mature manner. Love and peace!
My mother-in-law told my husband that I was trying to tear them apart and separate him from them. I just wanted my husband to realize that I was tired of being placed 2nd in his life. None of them liked me becoming "real" and they still don't.
Lilla Ja, Did he listen to her?
What does “none of them liked me becoming real” mean?
Stayce72 ...Ahhh.hubby will catch on sooner than her.
Keep on keeping on...with widening your interests - n show him what his 'No. 1'
IS ABOUT ¡¿¡😀😆😇😉
Stayce72 story of my life. I could've written this. Inlaws also all ganged up and excluded me. Back and forth never ending nonsense. My husband is so enmeshed and desperate for approval it's sad. I'm tired of being second constantly to my husband and as of today I'm going to be true to myself and what's best for my nuclear family. I have to lay down boundaries and stick to them. We are starting couples counselling soon so maybe that will work and maybe it won't. Either way I will not compromise my boundaries any longer.
@@itsokaytobeclownpilled5937 I think she meant that the family didn't expect the relationship to last and got upset she became the wife.
I just turned 70 and only today found your channel. Unfortunately I have NO living family or living family of my parents. I grew up in a very sorrowful and abusive home with my two brothers. I wish I could have had webcasts to listen to after surviving an emotionally abusive, and at times physical, marriage that ended only due to infidelity on his part. I loved seeing my mother as much as I could and as much as she needed me. I lost her too soon, as well as my immediate family in 6 yrs. Thankfully the best thing I got out of my marriage 3 beautiful children and 6 grandchildren who all live in my city. I’ve been a lost soul and spirit up till now. I’m now learning to let my children grow on their own and establish my own boundaries as far as I’m concerned. I feel I’ve become too close and reliant on their love. I’m feeling lost in this Pandemic but we’re never too old to learn right? I hate playing the Victim card. Thanks for all your loved and much needed advice Jerry.
You are so welcome Jayne!
“Standing Strong as an Adult Child of the Narcissist”
Workshop
A great workshop for ACOA’s, ACON’s, and any of you who come from dysfunctional families!
Workshop leader: Jerry Wise, MA, MS, CLC LIVE
July 17th, 2021 Saturday, 1-5pm Eastern time
On Zoom
Topics:
The Illusions of the Narcissist
The Trauma of Adult Children of Narcissists
Living in the War Zone
7 Things People Don’t Realize You’re Doing Because You Were Raised by a Narcissist
10 Ways Children of Narcissists Love Differently
Healing Your Inner Parts and Inner Bonding
Resisting Self-hate, Self-shaming, Self-rejection, Self-abandonment
Cutting the Emotional Umbilical Cord: Going No Contact or Low Contact with Toxic Parents
Superpowers All Adult Children of Narcissists Have
And more…
Lead by Jerry Wise Founder of Jerry Wise Relationship Systems and You-tubber of over 250 videos.
Q & A
Role Plays
Volunteer participation
You will receive the recorded workshop
You will receive the notes for the workshop
www.jerrywiserelationshipsystems.com/events
Jerry Wise -- where's your book?! This stuff is golden
Getting ready to do one :)
Jerry Wise Relationship Systems awesome, looking forward to it.
Definitely looking forward to your book.
Jerry the Wise, you're doing a book!!! YEY!!!
I have always gotten irritated at this drive to do everything perfectly, I never understood where it came from or how to stop it because I didnt know how it came to be but now I know. I appreciate the time you take to share your wisdom and skills to help people like me.
Thank you for this! For years I was judged by others in the family for making my own choices, there was much gossip and rejection for not "being" what everyone else wanted me to be. It had nothing to do with sin, just that I didn't think the way they wanted me to think.
I have been watching your videos now for several weeks and find your approach, insight and knowledge so easy to listen to and understand. What plays out unconsciously amazes me and without this valuable insight to pull back those layers to see into our Self.. we are lost to repeat behaviors that continually abandon who we really are.
“To thine own Self be true” Thank you for your work and these wonderful videos to help us.
Self differentiated - who knew this would be fought against so vehemently by your very own family 😳. Madness. Hope to get out THIS YEAR and re-establish my personal sovereignty/autonomy and the happiness that naturally comes with that.... I remember it well, before the crazy started....
I’ve had big difficulties to become a new me, the one I want to be. The resistance was so HUGE that I could not understand it. It is still going on!
Even my computer stopped working!
And peopke around me are pullling back FORCEFULKY! They say that they care, are worried... the truth us that they need their scapegoat. There is no reflections when I talk about my feelings. I must get out of this!
Thank you Jerry for doing these videos. I have been struggling with many things in my life from childhood trauma and abuse. I have been struggling with alcohol abuse since I was 12 years old and I am 35 years old now. I've noticed the connection between my triggers and certain people in my life. I distanced myself from them and when I did that I noticed they began calling me more and wanting to hang out more. I put up my boundaries with them and I let my guard down with them recently, so I relapsed and I've been beating myself up since it happened. Thank you for reminding me that I am the way I am because of my childhood, that made me realize I was making myself depressed. Just feeling so guilty shameful and disappointed with myself lately, this video really helped me turn away from this thinking.
Took theraphist just hour ago and this video pop, I am in that phase. Oh my god, I am not crazy.
God helps me. It doesn't leave me alone.🥺
This is great, when I started doing this it feels so uncomfortable. I have been practicing these techniques in my intimate relationships and it can make me feel disregulated as it’s Such a new thing to regroove. The guilt I would sometimes feel is tremendous and can be triggering in itself! But I am getting better x as I would say ‘putting my adult pants on’ 😃 I have worked through all of this with my mum over the last year! It’s slowly healthily getting much better x
Keep up the good work Lorna,
These videos on guilt and shame may be helpful: ua-cam.com/play/PLoYQTW09i3W3uf_7bfMAT0WXigH1YIMDn.html
I’ve found that a key to holding my boundaries is just practicing “not caring” what the other person thinks. Q: do narcs enmesh with you or is that more of a codependent trait?
Thank you so much, Jerry, I find so much knowledge and substance in your advice. You help me a lot to recover from my past trauma. Until now I only found explanations for what happened to me, why my life was as it was, without me being aware of that long line of narcissist predators [and I'm not exaggerating!] in all my past human connections. I'm taking back my authentic me now, and I want you to receive my gratitude. It's the first time I'm finding solutions, and this is in your counselling. So I can confirm to myself that the measures I intuitively took were the right ones - and I can see now how I can step forward confidently. Thank you, you are saving another human being! Al the best from Europe!
It seems that the spouse starts getting the blame at some point. "My son wouldn't act this way if it wasn't for his "horrible" wife!"....
dand36349 ...PHHHTTT!!!
...been there. Its only cos they cannot control you - n you dont view it all as a COMPETITION¡¿¡😀😁😂😇😉😜😎😍
Really great video on how to progress, accept and move on from what holds us back. Jerry is outstanding regarding relationships.
Excellent, as always Jerry. This was just what I needed. Thank you. God bless you!
Thank you Jerry. I have the hardest time with the forgiveness and regret piece. I was looking for videos on that topic. Thank you for touching on that. I have so much regret for not realizing it sooner how abusive this whole warped relationship was. Regret that I lost many years. Wish I figured it out sooner etc I feel like I lost time I cannot get back. My mother is elderly now and there are still moments when I'm on the phone and feel like screaming at her. But I don't. It's hard work. She's an exact description of your opening to this video. Demanding, controlling, etc. Thank you again and I appreciate you mentioning the forgiveness piece. I need to do more of that.
This was another wonderful video! I think I may chose some of my favorites and take notes on them. I could use the notes to help with journaling and further introspection. Thank you so much for putting this out into the world. When your book comes out I'll definitely be buying it!
On another note, I do wish "working out financial arrangments" were as easy as it sounds. I'm living in a home that belongs to my family. As a single mom who does not get child support and makes just enough money to not qualify for any aid, I don't know how I could afford to move out. I'm paycheck to paycheck as it is. I would love to hear some advice on how to keep boundaries in place when you have no choice but to depend on family financially.
I’ve rewatched this video so many times and am so grateful for your wisdom! I know I’ll be a work in progress for a long time, but your videos are such an amazing reinforcement for me. Thank you for what you do, Jerry! I came across your videos about a year ago and they have helped me so much! You’re wise, indeed!❤️
thanks so much for your comments in the video above. wish I had this good advise years ago. I could never put up effective boundaries with my parents. my mother was always sick and if I upset her by speaking up for my needs, her blood pressure would go way up she would get a migraine headache. From my earliest childhood I had to walk on eggshells to keep her from having a stroke or a heart attack. every problem she had was my fault. I was more of a Slave in my parents house than I was a daughter. My father was always elsewhere so I never got any help from him either. I took care of my mother until she passed away. I was in my late forties when she died. she made sure I could never move away. every time I got a paycheck she already had plans on how she would spend it on something for her. because she was too ill to have a job her financial support fell on me. wish I had your videos back then.
My mother would pretend her blood pressure is rising beyond control and would lie unconscious because me and my sister didn't follow her instructions. I was 10 when this was happening.
In his book "The Three Faces of Love" Paul Hauck calls this resistance to change "countermoves."
This book progresses the reader into the third face which is action.
I remember reading Paul Hauck's books back in the 1980's when I was in seminary. He was very good.
A pleasure listening from the son of a mother PhD who was one of the greats, the star of the family, and more expert than I on most any subject
You are special and very, very important Sir.
You look great Jerry! Proud of your growth and happy to watch all your helpful videos that show your before/after process! Thank you for being such a wonderful inspiration for long-lasting change in our lives. You are appreciated!
I'm a daughter who has taken heat for changing how I interact. The heat has been an empowering experience.
Good for you...
Please join as a paid member for $1.99/month on my UA-cam channel, click JOIN and support the free videos on my UA-cam channel, also you will get notifications of upcoming events and additional helpful recovery information.
Also,
Please sign up for the upcoming workshop
“Getting Your Family of Origin Out of You”
Workshop
Date: February 6, Saturday
Time: 1pm EST - 5pm EST
Zoom
www.jerrywiserelationshipsystems.com/events
[Even if you are not able to attend, if you sign up for this workshop, I will send you your own copy of the full workshop and the workshop notes]
It has been liberating to find this site Jerry. You have changed my life!🙏❤
That is so wonderful to hear!!
Thank you for watching.
Any donation would help in making these videos.
www.jerrywiserelationshipsystems.com/donations
Jerry sir
Thanks for uploading such good videos. U are a great help and blessing to all those ailing souls across the world
When we are going through it we don't realise what is happening
All you know is there is something wrong which is giving you a brain fog confusion etc
U are a great teacher And a guru
Keep uploading your videos
Subscribed and liked. That is the minimum thing as a viewer i can do
God bless you sir and wishing you a great health and happiness and peace
Lots of love and respect 🙏🏻🙏🏻👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻
Thank you for each word. Even if l can't talk to my parents like that,l am developing a system of excuses and obligation than keeps them less present in our lives. Now the problem is that l'm the only evil witch that preaches, criticize,demands and chase a poor child out of bed and to school,to a walk,to the store ... Losing it's affection,since all the forbidden was alowed at Grandma's (both,along with an grand-grand ma) whille she was small,and then at teenage years when rules and expectations are changing they regularly acuse me of not rasing her well,whille she is becoming rude and selfish, careless and extremely materialistic,and we cannot afford to make her dreams real,so she gives me hard times and bad words...So it comes down to me again....That is why l have gave up my life and real-life friends ,all l got is few words exchanged on soc.medias or in sms ,and than l get social workers acusing me for bot being a good example to her,and that l'm being unsocial...As a single parent who takes care of it's mother too,l have only few hours of free time daily ,not enough for fitting in with other people's schedules.l know my story isn't unique,many women ended up like this,yet l am still surprised how l can't put it in order... somehow.
Most of the videos I've seen on UA-cam about this topic gives good advice but your videos gives a more thorough explanation that goes straight to the jugular vein. It's like I finally found the tree of life! At my age of 62 I can also say "ain't no wine before its time!"and "seek and you'll find!" Your videos are the medicine I've been looking for so when I leave the cocoon I will fly! Thank you very much for your purpose!
Thanx Jerry. Your videos help me a lot ... ACOA & sober alcoholic for years and still working on myself. You look great !!!
❤💙💜💛💚💛💜💙❤
Hello precious Fellow Traveler!!!!
Thank you for being there to help us in times of need
You look good and sound much more healthy. Good for you!
Unfortunately my idea of how my relationship with my Mom should go was already unacceptable to her. Both my wife and I were already trying to work out a healthy arrangement when we were temporarily living with my parents. We tried very hard to work things out. It was always turned back to their perspective, desires and convenience. Not to mention the lying and emotional abuse. I can't trust them until they accept responsibility for who they are. If they ever do and I can't make that happen.
Thank you for your videos. Please keep making them!
This is worth 10 million views! Thank you for this awesome personal development and the cherry on top is that you are such a well informed CHRISTIAN believer. Please think about conducting trainings and workshops for all clergy.
Thank you Jerry Wise.
Wow yes you're right. Takes courage. The shaming stuff from some characters in the family can knock you off track a bit. Could do with more tips how to handle that.
Thank you for sharing your wisdom here for anyone seeking guidance. You are the olive branch. God Bless!
😁
Just brilliant! Thank you, Jerry!!
My bro has cut off his relationships with his family of origin, with his siblings, and goes rarely to see his mom. Calls her only when he is not with his wife. His wife´s family of origin, wife´s relatives and wife´s friends are very closely knitted with his adult family, at least used to be. The whole pattern and it´s effect on his family of origin, is dysfunctional and there´s narcissistic personality disorder, a total lack of empathy, it is awful. Of course, the dysfunctionality in our family of origin is there, too.
what if it feels icky to speak to your abusers/family members about your feelings? you know? it just creeps me out to tell them my feelings because they don't care and will use it against me.
Never related to something so much😅
Follow your gut for now. Per Jerry, in toxic situations,your sharing will only be used against you.
Save your sincerity for people who are sincere and real and open with you! It is so hard to accept that some people simply cannot be reached emotionally, no matter how carefully you communicate your feelings. Some people are armored and closed-off.
Holy mackerel! All those pushback accusations, threats are bang on. "you're a horrible person, bad christian, going to pay, going to be alone no one else will ever care about you or your kids" etc from my mom and sister. Had to go no contact with abusive narcissist spouse for safety sake.
I'm glad your are taking care of yourself MD
BINGO! Always good to revisit this video for Wise instruction and reminders on what to do.
This should be titled, “Parents who don’t Believe in Individual Liberty”
It's so nice work you do. Thank you.
Great stuff Jerry!👊❤🙏🙌
This is so well explained, thank you!
this video is brilliant. just from listening to jerry's videos I am realizing that I am really co dependent with my mom. when I was a kid, I needed to enmesh with her to survive because of an alcoholic abusive dad and my own shyness and pain and she was using me as a "partner" in some ways because my dad was absent emotionally. very sick. and I grew up and just continued that pattern. my fear is that I cannot form a close relationship with anyone else and in fact this has been the case. I am now 55 years old and my mom is still my only close friend although our relationship has become extremely strained and painful to me because I let her move in with me after her stroke. it is proving to be too much for me psychologically, physically and financially. added to this mess is my sister is a complete narcissist who tortures me for sport using my mom as leverage. I could go on but you get the gist. anyway, if I was completely selfish I would force her out of here. it's complicated though because of her age and health and my lack of support. but this video is showing me the dynamics of what is going on here. just priceless. thank you jerry.
I am loving your videos! Thank you so much.
Fantastic video, it's a wealth of knowledge and understanding.
Glad it was helpful!
Thank you for brilliant observations and advice.
Glad it was helpful!
Leave your mother and father and cleave to your wife. Tell your mother that you are grown and want to spend time with your new wife. Suggest she join a book club or SR citizens center. Say, mom I am grown and I want to live my own life, I love you but I need my own life. Stick to your guns!
That will not work with a narcissistic mother. She will act like she is being attacked.
you have to create a role for her, something which is neither here nor there to you, but can give her life some new meaning. If she is not able to create something to fill the empty space, she will be like a black hole. As long as she still feels 'important'. It is just a matter of compassion with self preservation balanced out. True, offer her a solution to which you can control. Everyone will love you for your wisdom and kindness. "Mom, we've been talking and were wondering if you would be able to help us......."then go into an 'imaginary issue' kind of like a 'job creation' where you set the boundaries, one that requires contact but not necessarily to have personal communication, one to which they feel only she could help them with'. (Of course it has to be something that would in reality really help you, she will know if you are being condescending) and then let her rip......you can guarantee that if you create the right conditions, life will spontaneously happen, so......who knows how you could help her steer herself into the right direction, meet people she never would have met, exposed to opportunities she never would have had, just because she thought she was helping you. Things evolve into other things, I know that this works. Sometimes the meaning people create for their lives is really horrible, and sometimes these people are in our lives so that we can help them create a new meaning. When this happens, they start to self energise instead of vampireing off other people. It is worth a try, Now I am not saying that there are not a lot of people who are pathological and cannot be helped, but at least this exercise will expose if they are reacting as 'victim who needs help' as opposed to malicious intent. You will truly know the problem that you are dealing with if it doesn't work and you won't be wasting your time being worried about hurt and manipulation....you will take action out of self preservation.
mom will be sending the flying monkeys to me... LOL I love these videos they are super helpful and insightful but funny too. I can't believe Jerry even exists. Seems to good to be true.
great info. thanks for making it simple!!
This was so helpful and beneficial! Thank you!
#9 Followthrough and keep your boundaries.
Hey jerry you're very wise!🤠
daniel ross ...YEAH !
'WISE JERRY FOR PRESIDENT' 😀😉😜😎
Wauw, i can not handle the unacceptable way of the reaction from my father. He wants me to take care of him but because I hardly have seen him in my childhood I didn't have a connection with him and still have not till this day. He is demanding me to deal with his problems. I'm in a chronicle state of depression because of the things I went trough so I cannot go to him accepting all of the accusation he is throwing at me. I just quit seeing him feeling 30% guilt and 70% releave.
Hope you have someone to talk to! It sounds like no contact might be appropriate in your situation. Some people leave us no choice. Hugs to you!!
Thank you Jerry Wise great analogies and advice
Mom admitted today that she would have done things differently if she could, and spend more time with us when we were little children..
Love this one Jerry!
deep insight, much appreciated as always Jerry.
Thanks for this useful video
When I finally told my truth I was called "ridiculous" lol
Often living our truth will seem ridiculous to others. and if that is the case we should learn to be ok with being perceived as ridiculous.
I....am left with; jaw-clenching, ground teeth and picking at my bodily scabs.
P.T.S.D. Gonna take a while..but I will learn to love myself again n be able to stop these "self medications'.😉😊😜😎😍
Yes. You. Will. Thumbs all the way up for you.
Thank you, that is a very helpful video.
These videos are amazing. Yes. Good stuff.
Thank you so much thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you
You totally just described my narc mother in law. But she’s worse.
THANK YOU SOOO MUCH JERRY!!!
Thank you Jerry. x
Hello Jerry, thank you so much!!! I have learnt so much from watching you! I wish all the best!!
This is awesome thank you!!
Awesome video! The plain direct truth.
Glad you liked it!
Thank you. Your information is very helpful.
Hi, Jerry; and thank you for your endeavors.
I'm a little bit confused about the mother conflict. I keep seeing and reading about how our culture has been diminished by the way our families have become separated instead of being the communities that they used to be and the communities that they are in other cultures, where the family is just together the extended family are always around the children and part of their growth Etc..
Which model is actually better? Clearly they are distinctly different and this isn't the kind of problem where moderation seems like the appropriate answer
Emotional separateness is something quite different from community or societal adhesiveness. More emotional separation is needed for their to be more societal and familial closeness. I'm not sure what you mean by moderation of what?
@@jerrywise thank you for replying, jerry.
"Moderation" as a word to facilitate measured contact; but
It occurred to me that the "village" model won't work in our culture because we're so divided in so many other ways too; home locations, lifestyles, work and family time challenges.
It seems we're all slaves to this model unless we're among the lucky few who can make radical changes to their environments, lifestyles, jobs, schools.
The inlawed mother/daughter might benefit from a bit of a shift in attitude, ego, expectations, and perhaps a bit of coming together in gratitude vs. conflict because it seems the conflict is already there, just waiting to be ejaculated?
Once again, thankyou for your endeavors. Some of the ideas you share are relevant to my own challenges and the vicissitudes of what we've come to believe in as "true love" as people can change dramatically over the course of a 25 year marriage.
Thank you.
Sorry for the bla bla; got a little off topic there. Really just wanted to say thanks. Have the best year yet!
In asian families we still have very very enmeshed families as part of the culture itself.
Soooo helpful and well defined. Thank you!
I was abused by both parents because I was an LGBT child. After a long physical and mental abuse, I left my parents house in 2018. I went so far away. I moved to the states. It’s been 12 years that I haven’t seen my family. I think about them a lot. I still cry and wonder if they will ever be proud of me. I just turned 38 and I still can’t believe what happened to me from both of them. and yet they don’t feel sorry.
It's sad to be rejected by family for being who we are. I'm so sorry to hear this. I hope your heart will heal Jazzy.
Thank you for this video! Thank you! Can you tell us again how we can support you with the price of making these videos! Thank you for helping me!
Hi Mylon, I’m glad this video was helpful to you.
Thank you very much for considering to donate, I really appreciate it!
Here is the link for donations
www.jerrywiserelationshipsystems.com/donations
Thank you so much Jerry