Found your content through Contrapoints, I'm still learning about the T in LGB and I'm still scared at times by my own sexuality as a gay man, but content like yours really helps. So Thankyou.
Society just has a problem with assuming black women are going to be loud and dominant all the time because that's the sort of trope that's been created in media.
I’ve recently joined Bumble and one of the first things that white men would ask me (also because I mention LGBTQ+ rights) is to be a dom to them. This is a new concept to me after being in a very vanilla 11 year relationship but what’s with the assumptions? Why are they expecting Black womxn to dominate them?
I think the irony of people assuming that kink is misogynistic is that there is a reason that male Dom female sub is the version of BDSM they are most familiar with, and it has nothing to do with the BDSM community. BDSM came out of the gay community and leather culture. There are no gendered assumptions inherent to BDSM. The male Dom female sub dynamic is most common in the rest of society because that is what the mainstream finds more palatable. Society's misogyny is what is represented there, nothing else. On a side note: good mainstreaming of BDSM - encouraging people to explore their own desires even if society might find them strange, having hard and fast consent rules and safe words to ensure safety. Bad mainstreaming of BDSM - exposing everyone to your scenes without their consent, trying to force people to share your kinks and refusing to believe vanillas when they say they aren't into any of it. 💚
@@MMMMMarrry there are a lot of people in the community that are mysogynistic in general, including feminine people. Imo that’s a society issue, and the bdsm community just tends to be attractive to them because it’s easier to take advantage of new feminine subs.
I’m not sure you’re right in saying BDSM came out of the gay community. I think the Marquis de Sade (from the 1700s) would disagree with you - and probably others going back centuries.
@@deezyhope675 Also,it's homophobic to say so. Gay people have always been portrayed as freaks and hyper sexualised kinksters and I think we have enough on our plate already. Also,there was a lot of backlash on leather lesbians and gay men in the 70s and 80s,meaning we did NOT create those.
I think this is an ahistorical comment. BDSM did not come out of the "gay community" and "leather culture" and has its origins in prostitution and sex slavery. It is what it is.
💚 i feel like "is bdsm inherently misogynistic?" is kind of like "does being a stay-at-home mom feed into the patriarchy"-like, the dynamics of it are inevitably shaped by our current culture and history, but to focus on only that and ignore individual needs and desires seems short-sighted. we have to be able to live our lives, and not everything we do has to be a Feminist Statement™ bc that would be exhausting and not address the root problems in any case. i liked the point about bdsm/kink not being meant for the mainstream: it's a way to express oneself and find release, not a public representation of identity.
Agh I wish I could like this comment multiple times! This is exactly the kind of nuanced conversation I would expect from Kat Blaque fans 😍 The point of feminism like you said is for women to be able to live their life the way they want without it being a “statement”. Honestly this topic got me thinking about my own turn ons. I like it when a guy can pick me up (very vanilla I know). I was overthinking the sexist implications of my turn on like the infantilization of women and the expectation for men to dominate women. But I realized that yeah while societal factors may influence what I find attractive there’s more to it than that. I don’t judge a man’s value as a person or even his overall attractiveness by whether or not he can carry me. And even then just because I like to be carried doesn’t mean that in my everyday life I’m not capable and independent.
I think a real Dom HAS to be a feminist. Like, really, truly, deeply identifying with the values of feminism. Doesn't matter if you're male, female, an enby or anything else - you HAVE to understand and respect consent, and respect your sub. If you're not constantly working to make sure your sub is, ahem, "comfortable" with the scene, you're not a Dom. You're just an abuser 💚
@@KatBlaque how many dom or poly men use sexual liberation as a form of pressure? It's pervasive. Hell many men make enjoying women enjoying sex and making them orgasm a pressure on women. So simply labeling as a feminist isn't enough. I don't always trust cismen who use that label for themselves rather than as allies for a lot of reasons. It's very common for men to act more like feminists to get what they want. A lot of the men who don't do this are less caught up on labels and more just focused on the consent aspect. I suppose there's a reason why on the real scene he best doms start off as subs and graduate. But a lot of this is exacerbated on the heterosexual elements of bdsm or polyamory rtc (I talk poly because of the crap where a man can do what he wants but the who the women can see is highly controlled, often more an open relationship model than a real poly model tbh. Have seen it being used to put women in their place a lot despite the fact that this has much more queer and interesting roots)
@Milena Shvedova yeah sorry. As opposed to someone who decided they like certain aesthetic and ideas to try out. You can get handcuffs and spanking paddles and such from Anne summers without having any particular bdsm practices in mind. Hell people went out and bought duct tape after watching 50 shades 😳
@@laurellee1435 saying the best “doms start as subs” is teeming though with issues and i’m so tired of people acting like it’s okay. (i’ve never even heard “graduate” be used like that before and those implications are also pretty gross but at least it isn’t a common sentiment.)
Actually the mainstreaming is something that has, for me, ruined Fetlife. It's just full of "doms" who are mostly just cis het white guys who want to be able to abuse women and claim it's ok. For me the huge difference is enthusiastic consent. Me seeking out a Dom to do specific things to me and treat me a certain way in a dynamic where I am able to stop the situation at any time is VASTLY different to me being in a vanilla relationship with a misogynist. There is literally no comparison at all, to me. They're two entirely different things. 💚
I personally am a lesbian but I do have many straight women friends and sometimes I’m genuinely shocked when they tell me about their sex lives. Things like choking/spitting/hitting have become a lot more mainstream. None of those things are inherently bad but most of the people I know are vanilla and didn’t necessarily want or desire those things, but there’s this implicit pressure to not be “prudish” so they capitulate. I think BDSM catches heat for being misogynistic when it’s really just a pretty extreme porn culture bleeding into vanilla encounters. At least that’s what it seems like to me, but I really only have my own anecdotal experience to reference.
@Golfy Tones Please don't kinkshame, some people only like "anal/gagging/choking/hitting" like some people only like "sensual and loving sex". One is not better than the other. Yes, it is indeed bad that people would judge you for being a vanilla, that is not what BDSM is about, on the contrary! On a side note, stop saying that porn is evile please. Yes some porn are bad but all porn isn't like that, have some nuance please.
@@maitenabriand6705 and personally? i feel like it says something about men who claim to be "kinky" and then act like this about the things they're apparently "into", which largely involves hurting the woman. in those cases, are those men really "kinky", or do they just like to get off on causing women pain? (i hit send too soon and can't edit my comment for some reason :/)
indeed, like i do think unfortunately the bdsm community if not largely monitored and self-scrutinizing, which thankfully has become more like the norm it seems (i mean everything seems a lot more regulated and people seem more likely to call out the occasional predator), could be a dangerous hiding place for many misoginysts, predators etc. because of the mask that the kink provides, and this is well known. the kink in itself is kinda exempt from it but the fact that it became mainstream as a practice without much behind it other than the surface level humiliation/brutalization of the woman involved is concerning tho
Choking or "breath play" has a lot of risk to it and needs to be done very carefully. Some will warn that there IS no 100% safe way to do it. Attempts to mainstream it scare me.
💚 I agree. Submissive women are not submissive *because* they are women. They just are submissive and also happen to be women. Having had subs of both genders, I have seen no difference whatsoever in their desires. It seems crystal clear to me that being submissive and being a women are two entirely separate things. “But then why are there more female subs than male ones?” There aren’t really. Male subs are just usually too afraid to admit how they feel, sometimes even to themselves. It’s hard to blame them. If they are outed, it tends to end very badly. I’ve seen men kill themselves rather than be known as a submissive. There ARE men who openly admit it. Guess what, 90% are veterans, police, firefighters: or all of the above. Men whom it would be very stupid to question, in other words. The other 10%? Men who are already social outcasts for some other reason and figure they have nothing left to lose. Women very rarely face social censure if they have submissive desires. In fact, they are often praised for it. It’s the Dominant women who tend to be mocked and bullied. So it’s no wonder that you’ll see more submissive women at clubs and such than submissive men.
There is a philosopher who defended BDSM from criticisms on misogyny on the grounds that it is a simulation, not a recreation. The example he uses is a rollercoaster which SIMULATES falling to your death but that doesn’t mean all rollercoaster lovers would enjoy or endorse falling to their deaths. I just thought that might be a helpful addendum to what kat says. 💚
another thing i feel sometimes as a submissive woman who is attracted to men and subs for men (bisexual so not exclusively men but yknow) is that like... when people say it’s misogynistic inherently it almost feels like they’re blaming ME for misogyny i face in a way just bc i enjoy a certain role, a role i would enjoy if i identified as any gender and has nothing to do with the fact that i’m a woman
💚 The idea that the "male dom, female sub" dynamic is inherently misogynistic is just mistaking the imagined power dynamics of BDSM for the real power dynamics at play. A sub can be abusive/sexually coercive towards a dom (just ask any professional female domme about their experiences with creepy male subs) but if you're looking at BDSM dynamics purely at the surface level as this straightforward thing, rather than a deliberate and negotiated performance (as people who are unfamiliar with BDSM often do), you can end up blinding yourself to the actual, non-performative violence and violations of consent that might be taking place, which ultimately perpetuates rape culture rather than standing up against it.
@@Dreigonix exactly! And the reason conservatives love the "video games cause violence" line so much is because it allows them to shift blame and deflect criticism of the actual militaristic violence they support and perpetuate.
It's boring to me... having society's views impact and shape your sex life ????? Imagine that. As you said it's PLAY ! You like it or not, the important thing is that the other part has the same mindset
If two consenting adults participate in a sexual act, it doesn't really matter what category it falls into. People performing sexual acts with each other have no obligation to alter their freakiness to appease people who might see them(?).
Do not expose the public to your kink. If you place yourself in a position where you know non-consenting people might see and take part in the kink, you're an asshole
@@CaptainFordo21 Yes, I agree with the spirit of OP, with the understanding that your addition is an inherint part of it. That last bit in OP's comment, to me, should more accurately read "anyone who might find out about it"
I’ll give you everything other than not taking care to avoid exposing people who haven’t consented to your kink. Like it’s one thing if someone breaks into your house and sees your partner in puppy play gear. It’s another thing to have that scene in a public dog park even if that’s at night.
💚 I think a fundamental difference that people miss is that general kink is not dependent on sexism to happen, while racism is a direct feature of "race play." With any given kink, misogyny is not necessarily a feature of the act happening. As Kat mentioned in the video, it's not like Dom man & sub woman is the only way BDSM is practiced. It's not like men are specifically leaning on gendered language and terms while flogging a woman (not to say that this never happens). Meanwhile, leaning on racism is specifically what makes "race play" happen. It's not just people of different races playing together...it's specifically about invoking and playing on racist tropes as a fetish. People trying to dismiss critiques of "race play" by invoking misogyny are missing the mark IMO.
Ehhhh, you can't say that. You can't pretend that a man who is into bdsm and rape play is acting independent of sexism. Thsys not true. Like you'd need to prove it. Like let's look at rape play. That's based on rape culture and that's a patriarchal thing. We can't say that most men or even women who like rape play are doing it independent of rape play.
@@irutopia But you could look at pretty much any other BDSM kink and find the same tropes...? It might not be the case in every example, but it is 99% of the time. I enjoy BDSM, but I'm not fooling myself. If sexism didn't exist, it wouldn't exist.
@@hang1iderswing I'd have to disagree with that. If sexism didn't exist, BD, DS and SM would still exist. SM has nothing to do with sexism, nor does the BD. If we want to talk about the DS dynamic, yes I do think this is the most related to sexism, but there would still be people would/wouldn't want to be in control in the bedroom. Degradation is not an inherent part of DS
@@amentrison2794 true, abuse and dominance isn't all of it. I don't think all bdsm has sexism built in. I think most people have internalized sexism and they don't take the time to evaluate how their sexism plays into their sexuality.
Hi Kat, I was a member of the BDSM community for a few years. I acted in a submissive role. I've since left the community as I discovered that my internalized misogyny and past experiences with abuse were the reason I though I deserved to be physically hurt by men in order to be sexually pleasing. I thought this is what I truly wanted and enjoyed, but with working with my therapist I realized that it wasn't my true desire it's just the only thing I thought I deserved. Could you speak to this type of situation a little bit sometime also? interested in your thoughts. thank you so much ☺️
I think it's interesting. I think that there are a lot of BDSMers who would benefit from therapy, but that therapy doesn't mean that they'd no longer have an interest in BDSM. I think it's helpful to question the why, especially when you have things to unpack, but it's not like going to therapy should be about you stopping BDSM UNLESS it was coming froma super unhealthy place. And I'd say for a lot of BDSMers it kinda does.
@@KatBlaque agreed, I think that for a lot of people it can be stemming from an unhealthy place and they aren't necessarily aware of that, therapy could be a helpful tool to help unpack the why behind their kinks but you are right that others wouldn't necessarily have the same experience as I did, perhaps they would discover that they really do just like the kinks they like because they like them
I guess I would call myself, like, BDSM curious. I don't know too much about the community, but some of the BDSM tropes are a turn on for me and my husband and I have engaged in some of those fantasies. I would definitely like to explore it more, but there is/was a small part of me that questioned whether I could engage with those fantasies and still call myself a feminist. The rational part of my brain says "of course you can; those fantasies are just that and having kinks is (at least for me) a separate, very private part of myself that exists just to feel good." There was still that little part of me that nagged, though. I'm not involved in any BDSM community (honestly, I don't even know how one does this - is there an office downtown I apply to and pay dues like a gym membership? lol), so I don't have anyone other than my equally uninitiated husband to talk to about these things. So this video provided me with a lot of great insight. It's really validating and encouraging to hear that you can engage in kinky fantasies without devaluing yourself or your partner. Consider me sold, lol. 💚
I've found personally that the safest way of finding a BDSM community in your area is from friends that you trust who are also kinky. Barring that, you could try checking for a workshop put on by a nearby locally-owned small-business sex shop (not like a Castle megastore, but like. Lovers in Seattle). Online forums like FetLife are super hit and miss for finding community in much the same way that Tinder is hit and miss for finding someone to settle down and get married to. Yeah, sure it happens, and more frequently than you might think, but that isn't really the way that most people use it. And of course you don't have to be involved in community if you don't want to. It isn't for everyone.
Munches and local workshop type meetups are good ways to meet folks to just chat with. If you can find a local rope club that teaches beginners, even if you're not super focused on rope, it's a good way to meet people while learning some good safety for bondage, and as Kat mentioned rope people tend to take it pretty seriously and it's not always about sex so you can find people who are just passionate about play but aren't on the hunt for partners. Takes some of the pressure off if you're a bit worried about walking into those spaces. Course this is all being said while we need to be mindful of covid. Maybe there are some people doing online meetups?
I would honestly say there are facebook groups that can help with that. It may be confusing at first because there are many subsets of BDSM, even in just the sub/dom world. Ask those questions. Be open to the answers. I thought for a while I might be a little because I didn't understand what it was. But the more I asked and researched, I realized I am not. I do like some things Littles do (stuffies and coloring), but I do not age regress. I've realized I'm a bratty sub leaning switch. Between my relationships, talking to people on Facebook and some of my own research. You can very much be a feminist and be into BDSM. I hope this helps [:
💚 I’m not super familiar with the BDSM community, but it seems reductive for people to say all of BDSM is inherently misogynistic. BDSM encompasses so many different things, it’s almost inevitable that parts of it will be misogynistic- we live in a misogynistic society, and that shit’s pervasive. I really like that you pointed out how empowering it can be for women- women aren’t really taught to be in touch with their desires, and BDSM can be eye opening in that way. The focus on consent is also so so crucial and empowering. From what you’ve said, it seems like for every misogynistic chud using BDSM to mask abuse, there’s a bunch of regular people who value consent and stay in their lane, so calling all of BDSM misogynistic kind of takes away agency from those regular people, IMO. Time to sip my monster zero and wait for the next true tea!
I feel like holding the opinion that BDSM is misogynistic is low key misogynistic in and of itself lol. Thinking that submissives, especially women, don’t have any autonomy just reveals the underlying assumptions a lot of people have about the community. Loved this weeks lengthy brew! 💚
"Thinking that submissives, especially women, don’t have any autonomy just reveals the underlying assumptions a lot of people have about the community. " FACTS. I don't speak for all doms but if my sub tells me she is no longer comfortable/she wants to revoke consent i back off immediately, otherwise that would just turn into abuse. imo all doms should have this kind of consideration for their subs.
same like im so sick of people who have no idea what theyre talking about trying to gaslight me into thinking my kinks are just internalised misogyny, im playing into what men want and im "only into it because we live in misogynistic society" etc
💚Honestly i think most people who are critical of “kink” are specifically criticising those who’ve absorbed the basic concepts of DM/SF through mainstream media (50 shades, etc) without bothering to properly learn about BDSM and are now using it as a way of abusing others or spreading misinformation that could be harmful eg: encouraging CNC or DDLG as a normal coping mechanism that *everyone* who’s been a survivor does (some people even claim it’s endorsed by therapists??) and not an extremely fringe activity between experienced people. It’s rare to see somebody referring to those who are actually in offline BDSM communities when criticising it, i think they do understand that theres a difference between experienced practitioners who know what theyre doing and have really thought in depth about their desires, and randos on the internet who think its super heckin valid uwu wear a remote controlled butt plug at build-a-bear. I absolutely agree that BDSM was never intended to be mainstream because almost everything involved is of an extremely sensitive and delicate nature, and while BDSM becoming more mainstream is resulting in more people being judgemental of it, its also resulting in more “kinksters” (quotations because its always ppl who dont know the first thing about bdsm doing this) who demand that every kink is validated by everyone, no matter how taboo or upsetting it may be, and if anybody has anything critical to say, or even anything thats just not overwhelmingly positive (even BDSMers dont seem safe from this) then they’re commiting the deadly sin of kinkshaming and you have to disregard everything they say or youre a Bad Leftist TM Sorry if this was word salad i just kinda vommed it all out its 3am where i am lolol
Ehhhh maybe. Like something I think is questionable and unhealthy is 24/7 bdsm dynamics. You can't say those people are inexperienced and it's due to misinformation. It's just due to the facts. It's not healthy to be in any role 24 hours a day. I don't think its healthy on a fundamental level. Experience is a part of it, but there are areas of kink that will always come off as abusive to others even with consent. Like cutting and whipping and shit. And most people don't necessarily have an issue with subs. The issue is with doms, bexause many of them actually enjoy hurting people and especially the men often enjoy rape dynamics and shit like that and that's not something that experience and aftercare just magically fixes
I don't know why 50 Shades is constantly blamed for the bad image of BDSM, except that it was popular among women. It's certainly not worse than the other BDSM media I've been enjoying for years, and not even more misogynistic/problematic than most mainstream porn-- but god forbid the normies get involved in the kink, and suddenly it's not as cool anymore.
@@christianandjesse7370 yeah 100% agree. I shouldve clarified im generally more of a kink-critical person and there are a lot of things like what you mentioned that i just dont have the time or patience to make allowances for. To me, that shit is harmful full stop and i will side-eye every dom indiscriminately since you just cant afford to give them the benefit of the doubt these days
@Briar D. yep my experiences are definitely similar to yours. I guess i mentioned 50 shades because its well known example that people tend to emulate but i will admit that like 90% of the influence comes from porn
I have a lot of very tabboo kinks and the thing that annoys me so much isn't that people feel uncomfortable with any my kinks (part of my interest in some of them is because they make me uncomfortable and I like sitting with that discomfort and unpacking that) my issues are with people who cast a moral judgment for these kinks with kink there are so many layers to why some one would like it and most of the time people are looking at that first layer and thinking that's all there is when it is often so much more and goes why deeper but people wanna act like they know all about your character as a person off of that first layer and it kind of pisses me off
💚 I'm more or less asexual, so, as an outsider, vanilla sex seems pretty misogynistic to me. BDSM seems less misogynistic. That may be because I learned about BDSM from adults in the scene who want to educate others and emphasize consent while I learned about vanilla sex from ignorant kids at school with some really messed up ideas about men and women. And, unfortunately, for many people, those ideas continue into adulthood.
Im asexual too, and the false, misogynistic ideas and misconceptions ive heard usually comes from people who do vanilla sex. Im sure theres misogynistic BDSMers but the impression ive had so far is that they tend to know their shit and not some false ideas and views they learned from society and porn.
💚 I have mixed feelings. I feel like kinks can have questionable roots that can be unpacked, but as long as people are consenting, it’s their job to evaluate their kinks not ours.
Everything we do has questionable roots and if we mean to grow up, we should consider unpacking our bs. That being said, you're right: it's their job and not ours; it's our job and not theirs.
💚 I'm more frustrated when the abusive or misogynist people in my community, like everybody knows who it is and warns new people but doesn't actually just kick that person out. I worry that their is almost a fear of being seen and exclusionary to the point that abusers are allowed to low key still do it because we "can't kink shame"
I’m upset that your animated video didn’t “perform” well! When I saw it suggested I watched it instantly, and it really was great and I loved seeing you use your animation skills that you’ve brought up before! Not trying to be a suck up fan but I actually that independently that video was really cool
"BDSM is inherently misogynistic!!" me, thinking about femdom several hours a day: *gentle confusion* But great job noting that misogynistic jerks exist even in THOSE spaces which would seem completely antithetical to the whole point. That seems to only further prove the point that it's not necessarily the paraphilia, sometimes they're just a bad person lol 💚
It seems like the popular image of femdom also includes a lot of sexism. IE, many of the popular tropes involve, for example, man being penetrated= submissive, men being "forced" to be feminine, wear makeup or heals = submissive, woman with a strap on= dominant. Do you think this is a false narrative? Most of this comes from porn made from men... who are themselves probably misogynistic. Also, do you agree that being a dom is actually a position with less control, and the sub really has all the control in the scene? It would seem to me that the power a sub has is basically to give or withdraw consent, which is a power the dom would also have. Ideally they'd have... equal power.
@@hang1iderswing Yeah that's what I've been noticing too. Is that the doms (regardless that they're are male or female) are usually a lot more masculine than the subs.
I'm no fan of BDSM but I think it unfair for people to think that the whole BDSM community is misogynistic because it is a very diverse community that include people from various backgrounds. One thing that people need to understand misogynistic individuals can exist in all social spaces unfortunately. Despite this, most communities do work hard to protect and most importantly educate each other to avoid contact with such individuals.
100% agree, Kat. I feel kinks are rarely problematic (e.g., misogynistic) even if based on problematic taboos so long as proper consent and interest is shared by all involved. I think people can, however, do problematic things while pursuing their kink, and kinks can get polluted by problematic people. Also, your animation was FANTASTIC. I wish I knew how to do something like that 😰
💚 as a gay man who’s been interested in joining the BDSM scene in my area it has been seeing BDSM on the internet that really turned me off to the idea because of lots of what I perceived as internalized homophobia (misogyny) coming from dom top men. It’s nice to hear it’s not all the way it appears sometimes
YES speak on it. I’m wary of any cis gay male, vanilla, kinky, whatever, who is overly emphatic about being a total top. I’m not saying every single hard top is a misogynistic, femmephobic ball of internalized homophobia.... but I need them to show me they’re not.
(Green Heart) I think for me it's difficult to understand the idea that 'BDSM is inherently misogynistic'. The sensations involved with things like being spanked or tied up are just sensations. They would probably still be enjoyable to some people in a world without misogyny. We eat chili peppers and have judo clubs and exercise to the point of discomfort because some of us enjoy certain kinds of painful sensation. If the enjoyment can exist without misogyny then I don't see how it could be inherently misogynistic.
💚I always say poly and BDSM look different for everybody.... as a switch I agree with you on many things. If I'm talking with a potential Dom I always wait to see if they bring the topic of consent and aftercare, if they don't I play with them because clearly, my wellbeing during play is not their priority. when I'm subbing I still feel so powerful and in control.
Another thing I've noticed if the potential partner doesn't respect my boundary to get both of us tested that's a big red flag. That basically means to me that they don't care about my safety on that level will they on any other?
💚 Even to me, a vanilla, it seems obvious that consent is the true defining factor between kink/bdsm and the taboos they are based on. Just from reading comments under your videos I've observed that there are so many people who find it therapeutic to be able to roleplay while having control of the situation. From this conversation, your video on the public display of bdsm in a grocery store also came to mind, and one of the main reasons that was not ok was because it lacked the consent of the other people that were being exposed to the scene. As long as it involves some form of consent from all parties involved, I'm not going to judge someone for what they decide do with their body.
I love this video topic! The psychology behind kink has always been incredibly fascinating to me and I'm so happy that you're giving a platform to discuss it. As someone with a fair share of kinks and with an interest in kinks as a concept, I think a really illuminating concept is the "misattribution of arousal." It's been theorized that one way kinks form is due to a physiological response, like fear or disgust, being mistakenly linked in the body to sexual arousal because the responses are similar in nature. I think this really helps explain how kinks that are not socially acceptable don't necessarily mean the person who is into them thinks the concept behind them is OK. Just to use an example of myself that ties into the video, I have a little bit of a thing for degradation. My limits are pretty tame - I certainly wouldn't call it sissifaction - but I can find being called "b***h" or "f@g" appealing sometimes. Who knows if this is the full story, but I can kinda trace it back to growing up in a sporty Catholic school where I was repressed and all my teenage boy fantasies revolved around very homophobic guys. I often lived in fear of being outed, and the response of guys to that. It makes sense to me that at some point the wires crossed and the separate feelings got rolled into one. Basically, "I think he's hot, he'd say the worst stuff to me if he knew that" got combined into "This hot guy will say the worst stuff to me and I feel attracted to him." So does that mean I would've liked it if I *actually* got bullied or brutalized for being gay? Absolutely not. That was still a real concern for me. Do I like being called "f@g" outside of the bedroom? Absolutely not, I don't put up with that in the slightest. And back to the crux of the video, does it make me misogynistic that I sometimes like to be degraded in a way tied to masculinity? At least to me, no. It's precisely the fact that it's always been such a disgusting thing to me that it's now a bit attractive. Kinks take on a mind of their own and, from what I've experienced, generally end up pretty far mentally removed from any distressing place they might have started. Tl;dr: There's a reason people have kinks for very taboo things that is not tied to their personal morality, and often times those kinks develop from finding instances of it in the real-world distressing in the first place. One's kinks are definitely not necessarily reflective of who they are! 💚
Thanks for sharing this. I also try to question myself this way. Can I ask, does your awareness of the psychological root affect how you engage in your kinks?
love your comment, fascinating :o i relate in that i have a mental illness that makes my relationship with control difficult, while in the outside world i try my best to manage it, in bdsm the extremes outright stated and agreed allow me a moment of rest from that struggle
I wish more people could let people have their kinks instead of trying to police the BDSM community. I am a gay black man and I enjoy raceplay but at the same time, I'm super pro-black and I don't think I have to choose between the two identities. I'm against police brutality and injustices that black people face in society. My kink in the bedroom holds no weight on my view of how I think black people should be viewed in socio-political spaces. For me, raceplay is just an extreme of power exchange play. In some way I feel powerful as the submissive in raceplay because it cannot occur without my concent and at any moment when I feel uncomfortable, it stops.💚
With all due respect, does that kink exist in a vacuum? Kat’s point in the video is essentially let consenting adults, and I agree that no one is being hurt, but I also think introspection wouldn’t hurt.
But that racial abuse can and will exist without your consent. How do you call yourself pro black but seek out racial abuse for a nut? How do you believe a white person would do these things and is not actually racist? Im curious .
With any act that requires the dom to act in an abusive manner, it really comes down to trust. Personally I wouldn't let someone white call me slurs, but I do like the idea of a white man overpowering me. So it comes down to how they treat me outside of bed, and if I trust them with such a nuanced situation. I learned I can't just let someone do this to me then have no deep conversation or understanding of each other after. Kills casual sex, but worth the peace of mind
@@apopofculture I will agree with you that there is some room for introspection and after reading some of the replies I think I will sit with it and see if there's something deeper there
@@UNSEENoUNIDENTIFIED I think what helps me compartmentalize it is the fact that the kink draw only exist in it's shock value. For me it's not about the racism itself but rather the disturbing nature of it that make it so appealing akin to voyeurism (granted a lot more extreme). I can understand how you would question my pro-blackness cuz I won't lie, this kink does bring me a great deal of shame; so much so I had to leave this comment on my alternate account lol but I assure you I'm so down for black people on all other fronts
💚 Your lipstick matches the poster behind you! I'm vanilla (mostly?), but I have several friends into bdsm, so this is an interesting conversation for an outsider. This seems like an example of how contextualization matters. If someone is being notably misogynistic, it sounds like they probably aren't aware enough of their own socialization and beliefs to negotiate a good bdsm scene.
Thank you for mentioning ageplay/rapeplay being common amongst actual rape victims and childhood sexual assault survivors. Even in CSA support groups ageplay is *heavily* stigmatized and misunderstood. I totally get it if it’s not someone’s thing, but as a coping mechanism it hurts when somebody insults you for it. My boyfriend doesn’t want to fuck a child just because I call him daddy lol. I think BDSM should definitely become more understood, not really completely normalized.
Bro, you are jerking off to fantasies of people being raped...how is this different than a pedo, or any more trustworthy? It is the most plain, straightforward example of a culture that does not care about rape victims and is normalizing and fetishizing their horror and torture.
I'm not super familiar w the BDSM community, but this conversation reminded me of a video I was watching yesterday by Evie Lupine (I think?) about pet play, and to be honest the whole thing makes me feel pretty uncomfortable, but the people in the video seemed really happy and content with their kink, and honestly I feel that what we need to understand is that the whole thing is just role play and I dont have to understand it and it doesn't have to make /me/ comfortable, as long as the people participating are doing it in a consensual and safe way, idk, your point about furries reminded me of that 💚
💚 I think we would learn alot about whats actually going on in our minds as people in the US by observing the kink community. What we hide what we dont hide. What we find ok and not ok. What we think is okay to consent to and not consent to. You can learn alot about people just by watching
💚Would submissive women be a thing if misogyny wasn't a thing? I definitely still think yes. Would misogyny-play be a thing if misogyny wasn't a thing? definitely not. It wouldn't be a vector of degradation kind play either, but degradation still would be a thing. I do worry that sometimes things are very close if not actually self-harm, that said I think self-harm in a controlled way, as safe as possible, isn't something that should be judged. Sometimes one form of self-harm is a better thing than not having any coping method. Idk i come at it as someone who has suffered a lot of stuff and does experience self harm and realized that the rush from exploring BDSM hits the same spots as putting myself down and that scares me, that said I don't want anyone to feel bad for doing their thing as long as they're trying to keep it safe and consensual.
💚 i’ m non binary Afab and for a long time misogyny related play with consent during bdsm with loving partners helped me a lot to deal with the sexism I experienced and internalized « dysphoria », during a scene all those things that hurt me felt good and it felt like I could transform it and give me energy to build my way of dealing with agressions. « Féminisation » play helped me réalise a lot of things about my gender and the performance of gender etc. - these desires are gone now, I explore other stuff. Kink is very rich and fluid, it can be a great and loving way to deal with pain too - it’s often link to self discoveries, studies and deep conversations!
What a great and nuanced video! I do think when people have this conversation, bdsmers are talking about actual people who participate in the community, while people who call it misogynistic are talking about the more outside cultural idea of what bdsm is. I don’t really think I’m participating in misogyny when being submissive in a negotiated scene. But at the same time I see things like 16 year old girls saying “choke me daddy” and it makes me really sad, and I think there’s something further there beyond just individual misogynistic doms. Maybe this is my argument against representation and normalization of bdsm lol, might be something that works better for everyone if it’s a little underground.
if misogyny didn't exist there would still be sub and doms of both genders, i think the only way that wouldn't exist is a world where theres no such thing power dynamics.
💚 Honestly you hit the nail on the head for me when you brought up sissification. There do exist kinks that embody misogyny deliberately - and that kind of highlights how and why kink as a whole does not, because it does not always look that way, and frequently doesn't. And just from a personal standpoint I have a hard time believing that people who paint all BDSM as misogyny are acting in good faith. The logic I've heard from people trying to justify their stance just has to jump through so many hoops to make sense, pretty much all of which you addressed here.
I think the thing to remember about misogyny is it is inescapable, it is a part of every part of our society. A lot of the points you make could also be made about makeup. Some people like makeup and like women who wear makeup for misogynist reasons, but there are also many people who like makeup just cause decorating your body with fun colors is cool for them. 💚
I had some negative experiences when I first started going to events but where I'm from that's standard for newbies, it's treated as a rite of passage. I find it so hard to respect the "your kink, my kink" mentality because I judge my community on how it treats its most vulnerable (the noobs) and there are so many problematic individuals who hold positions of power/own and operate the few spaces we have here. When I don't challenge people in my community on how they practice their kink, that's what allows toxic people to flourish. I personally can't have fun when I know that others are having traumatic experiences. It's difficult for me to convince my friends to advocate for the safety of others when most of them now have established partners and relationships and are somewhat removed from the noob experience of our community. 💚
💚 I agree wholeheartedly with what you said about BDSM coming from taboo. A lot of it can also come from trauma! I feel like many discussions about certain fetishes romanticizing bad things are straight up disrespectful of the victims' experiences and ways of dealing with their trauma. Most of the times I've seen people trash talking BDSM it's radical feminists trying to convince you that it comes from patriarchal gender roles, which completely dismisses the history of the leather gay community and it makes NO sense!! The arguments used are usually very surface level and they seem to have a misunderstanding about fetishes in general. Of course, that is not to say that there aren't horrible people that disguise their abuse as fetish, but there are bad apples everywhere and it's simply dishonest to label an entire community as bad because of a few posers. Also, congrats on your animation, it's really beautiful! So angry that youtube didn't notify us about it 😡
I agree. I think the misogyny and anti-feminism arguments are kind of asking the wrong question and very shallow like you say. With kink I do think there is a trauma link there for a lot of people (not all) and I do try to interrogate that and what is or isn't healthy. But only of myself. I don't think how other people process trauma is any of my business, but it is something I can't help wondering about.
Bro, some of these fetishes are literally jerking off to rape. how is this different than a pedo, or any more trustworthy? It is the most plain, straightforward example of a culture that does not care about rape victims and is normalizing and fetishizing their horror and torture.
This!! I’m in a straight relationship rn and as a sub woman I often wondered if I am participating in my own dehumanization? I’m very lucky that my straight male partner is the kind of guy that NEEDS my consent to enjoy himself, so I feel better about my desires now. I really agree with you, getting into bdsm was a way for me to prioritize my enjoyment as well as my partners, thanks for the awesome video!! 💕
YES! YES! THANK YOU. I've been on both sides of this one, (well, not your kinks per se), but, yeah... we're opposite but not that different. I'm a type, and I get approached by folk who want to sub for someone of my type. I reject a lot of subs because their thing feels unhealthy. I totally agree about not allowing mainstream tourists to prude up BDSM/Kink scenes. I love the depth you are bringing to this. As a Cis Male Dommy MacSwitch, I get people making assumptions that I'm not into because I get a bad read off their thing. Recently, a dude came at me seeking sissification, and I talked with him (because hey, it's +mas), and I could not get into the deep misogyny of his thing. And I kept thinking: "What does Kat Blaque have to say about this sh*t?" because it feels all kinds of wrong to me.
... maybe "wrong" is too judgey, but, True T. Right? I'm trying to meet my partner where they are at, and give them the thing they need. That's what get's me off. I don't get off on the power, I get off on gratifying my partner. I need solid healthy boundaries to enjoy my role in any scene. Thanks again for bringing this deeply esoteric topic forward, in an considerate healthy way and doing your best to explain it to the folk.
💚 You have a lot of good points! It's a tough convo because it requires nuance and talking about things that make people uncomfortable lol I try to focus on whether all the individuals involved are being respected and not get caught up in my feelings as an outsider. I think all feelings are valid since they can't really be controlled but just because something makes me uncomfortable doesn't mean that thing is actually bad. I've just learned to actively curate my experiences and avoid what I don't like.
CW: pedophilia Dear Kat Blaque, I owe you my eternal gratitude for making this video. I was sexually abused multiple times as a pre-teen by an old man and it left horrible scars. I've isolated myself for years. Never had any sexual interaction. But now after my coming out as trans and starting my transition I found this really cute elderly guy on a dating site who is also into age play. I am currently working against the stigma I internalized and your video really helped me on that. Thank you so much, I finally feel ready and happy to have a partner who accepts me and lets me enjoy my true life 😭
I am by no means a professional domme or anything but i can say that i enjoy being the dominant one in the relationship including bedroom and you know what ? since the media always represents BDSM with a male dom and a female sub ,and guys think that women by default enjoy "hair pulling,spitting, choking, slaping" . It's very annoying how many men will asume you are submissive just because you are a woman and try to do these things to you.
Video idea: a fun animation tutorial where you go over the programs you use and some quick techniques you used in the animation video... unless that exists already. I would LOVE if you expanded on your animation talent in your videos.
I try my best not to kink shame but I can’t stand by age play at all. With child trafficking at an all time high I genuinely want nothing to do with men who get off to the idea of someone being dressed like a baby or a small child & excessively behaving as one because where does the line stop? If you get off to grown women acting like kids then how do you actually feel about kids?.... it’s too vague. What exactly is sexy about child like behavior? It’s something to think about..
💚I really do have to look at BDSM through a "you do you" lens, as a pretty vanilla person the only thing I see myself loving is being tied up with ropes. A lot of it I don't get, but at the same time, I don't think BDSM as a whole is inherently misogynistic. I like that consent is taken so seriously by the community, I really feel like I would trust a (vetted) BDSMer with my body more than most vanilla men.
I get your points, that are very interesting as always. But I guess the main point I see here is that misogyny is not only rooted in individuals intentions but rather in collective structures. So to me, in vanilla or in BDSM there is some misogyny that just come from society. But what's interesting is how we can try to rethink that and distance ourselves from this on a more personnal level ; and that's where your conversation was really so spot on.
As a dominant woman I agree with you about everything, especially the part about sub men being misogynistic and people assuming certain things and dynamics just because I am a woman identifying as a dominant.
I feel like a theme/lesson I keep seeing in conversations like this is that looking at a thing and saying "Is ____ Bad" is really reductive, kind of shuts down much hope of there being good-faith discussion and makes people really defensive. It's a really good, healthy thing to ask "Does ____ have problematic elements and what are they?" or even "Does _____ have enough problematic elements it outweighs the good?". The problem is when it starts getting tied up with attitudes of "well, [thing] has elements that can be seen as sexist, which means that it is inherently misogynist and Bad, THEREFORE you cannot engage in it or even find it interesting. Otherwise you are not a Good Feminist and are actually Bad, yourself". We also see the inverse of that, where someone basically reasons that "Well, I know I am a Good Person and a Good Feminist. I also know I like [thing]. If [thing] were bad that would make me a Bad Feminist. Therefore, [thing] cannot be bad and I will defend it against even fair criticism (and maybe be kind of an asshole in the process) because the idea I could like a thing with problematic elements is antithetical to how I think of myself"
I’m pretty sure a number of my kinks are rooted in abuse I’ve experienced. However there’s a huge difference in me engaging in acts as a submissive woman consensually with safe guards versus being abused with absolutely no self agency. Bdsm is almost a way of reframing past traumas. I definitely agree bdsm does not need to be mainstream. It’s too complex and delicate. Engaging in bdsm ethically takes people with integrity and self awareness.
First, I loved your animation video! I really like this video about BDSM, and I have some thoughts. I agree with what you're saying. I also think that for a lot of people it's not just a fantasy, they think of it as real life. Some folks do 24/7 dynamics. Some stuff does make me really uncomfortable, like bimbofication... and any time someone is "breaking down" someone psychologically and "changing/molding" them. A lot of male doms have this fantasy of *actually* breaking a sub mentally and physically until they have real power over them. And some people, both subs and doms don't think that "slaves" in BDSM should have safewords... this stuff honestly freaks me out. Thoughts?
I agree with you there and in my opinion those people are just misogynistic. I've known men like that. Push em a bit more.anx you find their politics are also violently misogynistic
95 percent of the information I have about BDSM has come directly from you. In my relatively small circle of people I know, the predominantly vanilla sex individuals are the ones who would benefit the most from having conversations and deeply considering their desires as well as misogyny and how those things may or may not work together in their life. A majority of the people I know just are not having conversations on this level when it comes to sex. I get why people would see a male dom in certain scenes( is that correct?) With a submissive woman. I hear that you acknowledge misogyny exists within the community but the thing is that within these spaces it seems like, in healthy BDSM consent is important. Not only this but I've also gotten the impression from your videos that the community will communicate about abusive doms within the community. In addition to the fact that, I would assume, quite a few people deeply consider their desires before participating. These aren't things that I hear a lot of vanilla sex participants having. Obviously I love the content and discussion here but there are very few people in rl I would be able to take serious if that was an issue they had with BDSM, especially if they had zero experience. All I can pick up on tbh are healthy approaches to sex that are all too often missing from conversations that I experience. It definitely is not inherently misogynistic and if two people regardless of their gender can enjoy what they in enjoy in a healthy and informed way, it doesn't seem like it matters a bunch. But the general population can't even handle wearing masks so I really hope BDSM does not go mainstream. On a different note, are people really into BDSM because it is taboo? I've had people try to understand homosexuality through this lense before and it seemed so odd. Obviously these are completely different but for some reason this kind of surprises me. I suppose I'd really only seen it as people looking for other people who wanted to experience some of the same things and not necessarily seeking out something taboo. I always appreciate these videos of your and regardless of the topic I really just love to hear your take on things. 💚💚💚💚🖤
People are not into BDSM because it is taboo, per se, but there is a theory that sexual attraction is tied closely to shame. Shame can be a thrilling emotion, and it can cross wires in sexual attraction so that something which is shameful feels like something that is arousing, because in a lot of physiological ways, it is (heightened breathing, flushed cheeks, nervousness in your stomach). Shame and arousal, physiologically, do very similar things to your body. But none of this is on a conscious level - (most) people don't think "I want to be spanked because it's just soooo tabooo." Rather, it might happen that they are spanked as a child, feel shame about the punishment, either in the moment or later misinterpret it as arousal, turn to porn to cope with those feelings of shame/arousal, and find pleasure without shame in something which is based on mutual respect and consent. Et voila, now you have a kink. Plus there's the sort of meta-narrative here which others have touched on, which is that once it stops being taboo, it stops being defined as BDSM and just becomes normal sex. Like anal.
@@steelplatedheart Cool! This theory fits with my personal experience. Where did you come across it? I'd be interested to understand more deeply. But then that deeper understanding also makes me super uncomfortable and I don't know what to do with that!
@@dassijes5943 I'm afraid I couldn't tell you :-( I studied sexuality in university but it's been 7 years now so I remember the facts but not the sources.
💚💚💚 I hope more people see your animated short - it's really great! 💚💚💚 Tonight I'm eating dinner, so I just have water as my beverage (though water is usually my beverage of choice, after I have my morning coffee, haha). Maybe I'll have a glass of wine later...
As a furry, that analogy was actually pretty good lol :) Also, thanks for making this video. It's helped me understand some BDSM kinks that I thought were a bit odd before (I'm not into bdsm lol) 💚
I have divided thoughts. On one hand BDSM being accessible is incredibly important and I think even vanillas can learn from it...at the same time watering down BDSM tends to result in an alienation of older people and a dismissal of kinks deemed inappropriate because they are hard to defend, which leads to more people hiding.
29:13 oh yeah there’s def zoosadists in the fandom and we kinda try to make sure everyone is aware and get them out of the community but it can be hard sometimes
If anything BDSM is way less misogynistic than vanilla... like imagine if all vanilla men actually asked for consent and actually tried to please their partner. That would be wonderful
Yay, a new True Tea video ! 😊 It's 3AM where I am, but I just can't resist watching the video right away. 😁 Your animated film was awesome btw ! 🤩 It made me a little teary-eyed, it was really moving, and your art is so beautiful ! 🥺
💚hey! it’s so nice to hear you talk about bdsm, i’m 20 years old and a bdsmer but i’m not apart of the community and i don’t ever really see myself going to conventions or anything, but i’m glad that i can be a part of some discourse on it from the safety of my dorm room. i’ve thought about bdsm and possibly misogyny a lot, but really as you said, having a good partner is everything! i only participate with my boyfriend who i’ve been with for about 2.5 years and known for about 6. i’m a victim of sexual assault so it’s hard to trust people, especially with my body, but i have a partner who i trust completely and fully. we’re both switches but i tend to sub and i’m into some rape play(though i prefer not to call it that) just because i’m into being super sub sometimes and i want my partner to be in full control sometimes. i just relish finally having a partner that i can fully and completely trust and that knows how to please me. in what i do i don’t see any misogyny, kinda the opposite actually, because my partner and i have equal power in what we decide we want to do and we only play with that dynamic for the kink, not in the even everyday function of our relationship. i love being a kinky fuck and playing around with different things, just having someone you trust is so important! sorry this is kinda ramble-y -elena
As a submissive, I think that bdsm would always exist even if misogyny didn't. For me I never discovered bdsm, I've just always been into it and its always been apart of me with my earliest memory being at 6 (Even though I didn't know what sex was as an explanation of why I wanted what I wanted.) I didn't know what misogyny was then, and even now that I do I find it irrelevant. This is just a part of me that I can't change, and I assume that any of my partners have felt the same. That's why we do it.
Ngl, a few years ago I read as the entire BDSM Wikipedia page and a few related pages and articles, and it gave me a lot of respect for and understanding of the community because, even though I’m sure there was some incorrect information, the page emphasised consent and boundaries etc. Now (even as someone who is completely uninterested in BDSM), when people make fun of it, I try to defend it, and everyone thinks I’m weird… I think they don’t understand the core nature of BDSM.
💚 this is a very good video, tho it hasnt really changed my perspective. my issue with it isn't so much the misogyny but the fact that violence is mixed in w/ sexual things, and the fact that people want to roleplay scenarios that, in real life, are actually super disgusting. like it just feels so wrong to me that someone would stand against pedophilia for example, but then think it's hot when their partner acts like a baby and calls them "mommy" or "daddy". so yeah i just don't take issue with the misogyny as much as i do the fact that it turns horrible things into someone's fantasy, and the fact that people have gotten seriously injured from the violence that happens in stuff like BDSM. (not really interested in making this an argument i'm just sharing MY OWN thoughts...i get a lot of people who think my thoughts are an invitation to a 5 hour long debate when that's just not the case)
Since I'm a domme every time ppl say that BDSM is misogynistic. I'm like I'm into the opposite like BDSM has helped me love myself more and make me feel powerful while before I felt powerless
i absolutely loooove these conversations. as a newbie in bdsm, your videos help me reflect a lot and really think about agency, consent, kink shaming, etc. thank you for all of it (green heart)
I read a comic called Sunstone ages ago, a BDSM comic, and the biggest takeaway was consent of both parties, the care involved in setting up scenes, establishing boundaries, researching and prioritizing safety, AFTERCARE which I don't often hear about. There's so much consideration into BDSM that doesn't often get explained when it hits the mainstream's attention? And that the sub has as much power as the Dom when respect and safety are prioritized. But when we see it in the mainstream we don't see all of that, just the kinky shit -- the scenes mid-play, the sex full-throttle. That leaves a lot of room for interpretation as to how to get there, and those interpretations can be harmful, shallow, and/or just plain uneducated.
"Submissive men can be hella misogynistic" PREACH!!!!!!!!!! I've recently discovered your channel and the intellectual stimulation with regard to kink is AWESOME!!! Also I thought I was unique in being uncomfortable with sissification. I find it deeply misogynistic and I thought I was just being hypersensitive. Thank you for voicing that.
💚 I feel like people should talk about how a kink makes each person feel instead of kink shaming an entire group without listening, but people who participate on a "problematic" kink should try to undertand what is it about the act that gives them pleasure, since it could in fact be rooted in misoginy, racism..etc
BDSM is no more oppressive to certain groups than the vanilla world is. Because these are still just people who live in the same society as everyone else and despite having different interests, they can carry the same biases.
You’re right, the way your recent animation video was posted has made it react weirdly to the algorithm. I remember when I saw it, days after the upload, I was shocked I had not been alerted earlier. It’s unfortunate because the piece is suuuuuch beautiful work!! So so good seriously congrats
I have a lot of complicated feelings about BDSM and rougher sex in general, and I've avoided watching your videos on this topic for a while because I didn't know how I'd take them. This topic can be a bit triggering to me at times, but in the end I truly enjoyed this video. I currently identify as nonbinary with they/them pronouns, though I lean more feminine and identify more with women in the binary, and my sexuality is a hard ace/aro. However, for many years, I believed I was a hypersexual bi man who preferred men, and I was into some really violent stuff. I thought I was a complete dom, and I had this really overwhelming urge to be violent towards men. I always wrote it off as just a heavy kink, but as I began to discover my true identity, I realized it was my unhealthy way of hitting back at the group of people, specifically cis men, I thought had oppressed me all my life. I had been forcing myself to be very sexual and very masculine for our patriarchal society when I was neither. Men had shamed me all my life for being feminine, and I had never fit in with them, and I didn't know how to gain my own agency against them. The only way I knew was to lash out by being dominant and having kinks that involved shaming, feminizing, name-calling, physical violence, etc. It was a way to show that I was above them, that all the things they had traumatized me with didn't matter because I inferred superiority over them with my sexual actions. For me, it was an unhealthy distraction from my true identity and my true feelings about the world. Anytime I felt uncomfortable in a masculine role in an encounter, or realized I wasn't really enjoying the actual mechanics of sex, I would just press into this violent dominant role even further to cover up my doubts. That's why BDSM can be triggering for me, because my brain can still be susceptible to that line of thinking, that being sexually dominant over men is just a kink and the cure to my feelings. That it is the healthy way for me to overcome my issues when it really just sets me back even more. For a long time I've allowed myself to not be the most sex-positive person in the world in order to regain my own agency as an asexual person, and to allow myself to be desexualized by distancing myself from sexual things in general. I've gotten very scared for people who share similar kinks that I used to have, because I tend to think they are in the same position as me. That being violent and such in sex means you are dealing with trauma that could be better treated in other ways. That's why I've struggled to regain my sex-positivity; I've always felt like it's hard for me to be positive towards encounters and relationships that would have been harmful for myself. However, this video really opened my eyes again to the fact that being sex-positive doesn't mean I have to give any credence to my old kinks and encounters. I can feel uncomfortable with BDSM and rough sex and still support it since people can do what they want to do. I'm allowed to have my feelings over all of this, and my history and reasons for avoiding it, but that doesn't mean I need to stop other people from BDSM, that people are doing kinks for the same reason as me. People can be doing this stuff healthily, even if I couldn't, even if it did more harm than good for me. Overall, I just really appreciated this video, it really opened up my thinking again. I'm sorry for this massive essay and I doubt anyone will fully read this, but this video just had my brain thinking and thinking and I decided to share my full thoughts for once. Thanks for your content as always Kat you're literally so brilliant 💚
I definitely see where you're coming from, and you've given me a lot to think about. I do think this kind of thinking allows for a lot of nastiness to go on behind closed doors, and especially as people start to try to make bdsm/kinks more "mainstream" its becoming more of an issue of these kinks getting outside of the bedroom. idk it's a very complicated topic, thanks for ur opinion, I don't think I entirely agree with everything you said💚
This video really changed the way I viewed bdsm, the part where you talked about 'would bdsm exist if misoginy didn't exist?' got me thinking about how diverse the bdsm scene is, it seems like it has more to do with getting off on taboos then getting off of social norms lol
I’ve been in the scene for a decade and in pretty intensive training for the past 4. My dom has around 40 years of experience win the scene 20 of which he was purely a sub. I highly suggest finding yourself a service dom, a dom for whom a large part of their enjoyment comes from wanting to give their sub a scene that they will enjoy and find useful. My dom has been running sex temple at different events with a big focus on education and the more spiritual side of BDSM and sex for the past 25 years. It’s been so inspiring to help run the temple and be able to teach people about the safer ways to do the things that we do. One thing we stress a lot to subs is that even though they may enjoy power exchange they need to remember that they have agency that if there’s something they don’t like not to brush it off but bring it up and talk with their dom about it and if a dom can’t respect you enough to address your concerns they aren’t a dom worth submitting to.
loved this video, i’ve spent a lot of time thinking about these aspects of bdsm as someone who has some “problematic” kinks but is also an sjw type aha, you made me feel a lot more reassured about having a live-and-let-live attitude! 💚
This is one of those issues where I don't think I'm ever going to fully get it, and I know I'm not supposed to. The only takes here I really take issue with is things like "it's just a fantasy" or "it's just something I want to do." Desires and fantasies don't exist in a vacuum, and you can never completely separate your fantasies and desires from the society you live in.
I'm here two years late to tell you that I love your green makeup 💚 (EDIT: I commented before I knew what the emoji was! I must have espn or something 👁👁)
The project in question: ua-cam.com/video/HMKPLI90haI/v-deo.html
I loved watching this so much. I was so impressed by how honest and raw you were. The TRUEST T. You should be proud.
I saw this a little while ago and it is wonderful. I’ll try to check it out a second time tomorrow to give another view.
watched again and downloaded!
I watched it when it came out. It's really good!!
Found your content through Contrapoints, I'm still learning about the T in LGB and I'm still scared at times by my own sexuality as a gay man, but content like yours really helps. So Thankyou.
"i'm frequently read as dominant because i'm a tall black woman that likes herself" THAT FUCKING PART.
Society just has a problem with assuming black women are going to be loud and dominant all the time because that's the sort of trope that's been created in media.
Yep this comment was mass murder 😂
I’ve recently joined Bumble and one of the first things that white men would ask me (also because I mention LGBTQ+ rights) is to be a dom to them. This is a new concept to me after being in a very vanilla 11 year relationship but what’s with the assumptions? Why are they expecting Black womxn to dominate them?
@@2kooldancin I think there's a "m*mmy" aspect to this male fantasy, unfortunately.
i always get read as a sub because i happen to be autistic but nah i am a switch
I think the irony of people assuming that kink is misogynistic is that there is a reason that male Dom female sub is the version of BDSM they are most familiar with, and it has nothing to do with the BDSM community. BDSM came out of the gay community and leather culture. There are no gendered assumptions inherent to BDSM. The male Dom female sub dynamic is most common in the rest of society because that is what the mainstream finds more palatable. Society's misogyny is what is represented there, nothing else.
On a side note: good mainstreaming of BDSM - encouraging people to explore their own desires even if society might find them strange, having hard and fast consent rules and safe words to ensure safety. Bad mainstreaming of BDSM - exposing everyone to your scenes without their consent, trying to force people to share your kinks and refusing to believe vanillas when they say they aren't into any of it. 💚
There are so much male subs who are misogynistic though
@@MMMMMarrry there are a lot of people in the community that are mysogynistic in general, including feminine people. Imo that’s a society issue, and the bdsm community just tends to be attractive to them because it’s easier to take advantage of new feminine subs.
I’m not sure you’re right in saying BDSM came out of the gay community. I think the Marquis de Sade (from the 1700s) would disagree with you - and probably others going back centuries.
@@deezyhope675 Also,it's homophobic to say so. Gay people have always been portrayed as freaks and hyper sexualised kinksters and I think we have enough on our plate already. Also,there was a lot of backlash on leather lesbians and gay men in the 70s and 80s,meaning we did NOT create those.
I think this is an ahistorical comment. BDSM did not come out of the "gay community" and "leather culture" and has its origins in prostitution and sex slavery. It is what it is.
💚 i feel like "is bdsm inherently misogynistic?" is kind of like "does being a stay-at-home mom feed into the patriarchy"-like, the dynamics of it are inevitably shaped by our current culture and history, but to focus on only that and ignore individual needs and desires seems short-sighted. we have to be able to live our lives, and not everything we do has to be a Feminist Statement™ bc that would be exhausting and not address the root problems in any case. i liked the point about bdsm/kink not being meant for the mainstream: it's a way to express oneself and find release, not a public representation of identity.
Agh I wish I could like this comment multiple times! This is exactly the kind of nuanced conversation I would expect from Kat Blaque fans 😍 The point of feminism like you said is for women to be able to live their life the way they want without it being a “statement”.
Honestly this topic got me thinking about my own turn ons. I like it when a guy can pick me up (very vanilla I know). I was overthinking the sexist implications of my turn on like the infantilization of women and the expectation for men to dominate women. But I realized that yeah while societal factors may influence what I find attractive there’s more to it than that. I don’t judge a man’s value as a person or even his overall attractiveness by whether or not he can carry me. And even then just because I like to be carried doesn’t mean that in my everyday life I’m not capable and independent.
so well put!!!!
I think a real Dom HAS to be a feminist. Like, really, truly, deeply identifying with the values of feminism. Doesn't matter if you're male, female, an enby or anything else - you HAVE to understand and respect consent, and respect your sub. If you're not constantly working to make sure your sub is, ahem, "comfortable" with the scene, you're not a Dom. You're just an abuser 💚
The best ones are imo lol. But there's also so many fake feminist Doms that I don't wanna say that out loud lol
@@KatBlaque how many dom or poly men use sexual liberation as a form of pressure? It's pervasive. Hell many men make enjoying women enjoying sex and making them orgasm a pressure on women. So simply labeling as a feminist isn't enough. I don't always trust cismen who use that label for themselves rather than as allies for a lot of reasons. It's very common for men to act more like feminists to get what they want. A lot of the men who don't do this are less caught up on labels and more just focused on the consent aspect. I suppose there's a reason why on the real scene he best doms start off as subs and graduate.
But a lot of this is exacerbated on the heterosexual elements of bdsm or polyamory rtc
(I talk poly because of the crap where a man can do what he wants but the who the women can see is highly controlled, often more an open relationship model than a real poly model tbh. Have seen it being used to put women in their place a lot despite the fact that this has much more queer and interesting roots)
@Milena Shvedova yeah sorry. As opposed to someone who decided they like certain aesthetic and ideas to try out. You can get handcuffs and spanking paddles and such from Anne summers without having any particular bdsm practices in mind. Hell people went out and bought duct tape after watching 50 shades 😳
@Milena Shvedova and fucking cable ties 😱
@@laurellee1435 saying the best “doms start as subs” is teeming though with issues and i’m so tired of people acting like it’s okay. (i’ve never even heard “graduate” be used like that before and those implications are also pretty gross but at least it isn’t a common sentiment.)
Actually the mainstreaming is something that has, for me, ruined Fetlife. It's just full of "doms" who are mostly just cis het white guys who want to be able to abuse women and claim it's ok.
For me the huge difference is enthusiastic consent. Me seeking out a Dom to do specific things to me and treat me a certain way in a dynamic where I am able to stop the situation at any time is VASTLY different to me being in a vanilla relationship with a misogynist. There is literally no comparison at all, to me. They're two entirely different things. 💚
And it's WILD how many Doms I've met....just want....vanilla sex where they boss me around. I hate that that's what BDSM means for so many men. :(
AMEN.
Might I ask: where can a sub find a real Dom?
@@brie1026 before you go in search of this "real" Dom, you have to know what you want from this person.
Yupp last dude was def not as dom as he kept going on about
Just noting that your lipstick is really cool today
Thank you!
I agree! I also like the dress.
@@emilyfallaw5912 yes quite the fit today
It's strange, it looks green sometimes and looks green-blue at other times
I personally am a lesbian but I do have many straight women friends and sometimes I’m genuinely shocked when they tell me about their sex lives. Things like choking/spitting/hitting have become a lot more mainstream. None of those things are inherently bad but most of the people I know are vanilla and didn’t necessarily want or desire those things, but there’s this implicit pressure to not be “prudish” so they capitulate. I think BDSM catches heat for being misogynistic when it’s really just a pretty extreme porn culture bleeding into vanilla encounters. At least that’s what it seems like to me, but I really only have my own anecdotal experience to reference.
I definitely see this aswell - it's become normalised to criticize women for not wanting to be brutalised by men, and that's often coming from men.
@Golfy Tones Please don't kinkshame, some people only like "anal/gagging/choking/hitting" like some people only like "sensual and loving sex". One is not better than the other. Yes, it is indeed bad that people would judge you for being a vanilla, that is not what BDSM is about, on the contrary!
On a side note, stop saying that porn is evile please. Yes some porn are bad but all porn isn't like that, have some nuance please.
@@maitenabriand6705 and personally? i feel like it says something about men who claim to be "kinky" and then act like this about the things they're apparently "into", which largely involves hurting the woman. in those cases, are those men really "kinky", or do they just like to get off on causing women pain?
(i hit send too soon and can't edit my comment for some reason :/)
indeed, like i do think unfortunately the bdsm community if not largely monitored and self-scrutinizing, which thankfully has become more like the norm it seems (i mean everything seems a lot more regulated and people seem more likely to call out the occasional predator), could be a dangerous hiding place for many misoginysts, predators etc. because of the mask that the kink provides, and this is well known. the kink in itself is kinda exempt from it but the fact that it became mainstream as a practice without much behind it other than the surface level humiliation/brutalization of the woman involved is concerning tho
Choking or "breath play" has a lot of risk to it and needs to be done very carefully. Some will warn that there IS no 100% safe way to do it. Attempts to mainstream it scare me.
💚 I agree. Submissive women are not submissive *because* they are women. They just are submissive and also happen to be women. Having had subs of both genders, I have seen no difference whatsoever in their desires. It seems crystal clear to me that being submissive and being a women are two entirely separate things.
“But then why are there more female subs than male ones?”
There aren’t really. Male subs are just usually too afraid to admit how they feel, sometimes even to themselves. It’s hard to blame them. If they are outed, it tends to end very badly. I’ve seen men kill themselves rather than be known as a submissive. There ARE men who openly admit it. Guess what, 90% are veterans, police, firefighters: or all of the above. Men whom it would be very stupid to question, in other words. The other 10%? Men who are already social outcasts for some other reason and figure they have nothing left to lose. Women very rarely face social censure if they have submissive desires. In fact, they are often praised for it. It’s the Dominant women who tend to be mocked and bullied. So it’s no wonder that you’ll see more submissive women at clubs and such than submissive men.
How can you tell?
Any facts or statistics? or are you just telling what *You* are thinking? Lmao
@@anastya1_a Or maybe it's what they see. They just put percentage to make it easier to see what they mean.
@@hydrofalls8154 I don't care anymore. Bdsm and kinks ruined my life and I'm done with it
@@anastya1_a It's okay, your point is valid.
watching this video as I ritualistically unravel the sweater I was knitting for my newly-ex girlfriend. as one does.
i feel that😔
That broke my heart to read. I'm sorry ♥️
@@KatBlaque I am now repurposing the yarn for a sweater for me so it feels pretty good actually. ~ it's a metaphor ~
Ah yes, the sweater curse. I wish you the best with your knitting endeavours! My new years resolution is to finish a PAIR of socks in 2021.
i'm considering doing the same thing with a blanket I was knitting for my newly-ex girlfriend. I hope you find the process cathartic.
💚 Now why’d I read the title as “Are my Kids misogynistic?” Lmao
Lol
💀
There is a philosopher who defended BDSM from criticisms on misogyny on the grounds that it is a simulation, not a recreation. The example he uses is a rollercoaster which SIMULATES falling to your death but that doesn’t mean all rollercoaster lovers would enjoy or endorse falling to their deaths. I just thought that might be a helpful addendum to what kat says. 💚
another thing i feel sometimes as a submissive woman who is attracted to men and subs for men (bisexual so not exclusively men but yknow) is that like... when people say it’s misogynistic inherently it almost feels like they’re blaming ME for misogyny i face in a way just bc i enjoy a certain role, a role i would enjoy if i identified as any gender and has nothing to do with the fact that i’m a woman
The problem is that lots of guys are just misogynistic that's it. Victim blaming again.
💚 The idea that the "male dom, female sub" dynamic is inherently misogynistic is just mistaking the imagined power dynamics of BDSM for the real power dynamics at play. A sub can be abusive/sexually coercive towards a dom (just ask any professional female domme about their experiences with creepy male subs) but if you're looking at BDSM dynamics purely at the surface level as this straightforward thing, rather than a deliberate and negotiated performance (as people who are unfamiliar with BDSM often do), you can end up blinding yourself to the actual, non-performative violence and violations of consent that might be taking place, which ultimately perpetuates rape culture rather than standing up against it.
It’s “do video games cause violence?!?!??!” all over again!
@@Dreigonix exactly! And the reason conservatives love the "video games cause violence" line so much is because it allows them to shift blame and deflect criticism of the actual militaristic violence they support and perpetuate.
It's boring to me... having society's views impact and shape your sex life ????? Imagine that. As you said it's PLAY ! You like it or not, the important thing is that the other part has the same mindset
If two consenting adults participate in a sexual act, it doesn't really matter what category it falls into. People performing sexual acts with each other have no obligation to alter their freakiness to appease people who might see them(?).
Do not expose the public to your kink. If you place yourself in a position where you know non-consenting people might see and take part in the kink, you're an asshole
@@CaptainFordo21 Yes, I agree with the spirit of OP, with the understanding that your addition is an inherint part of it. That last bit in OP's comment, to me, should more accurately read "anyone who might find out about it"
I’ll give you everything other than not taking care to avoid exposing people who haven’t consented to your kink. Like it’s one thing if someone breaks into your house and sees your partner in puppy play gear. It’s another thing to have that scene in a public dog park even if that’s at night.
💚 I think a fundamental difference that people miss is that general kink is not dependent on sexism to happen, while racism is a direct feature of "race play." With any given kink, misogyny is not necessarily a feature of the act happening. As Kat mentioned in the video, it's not like Dom man & sub woman is the only way BDSM is practiced. It's not like men are specifically leaning on gendered language and terms while flogging a woman (not to say that this never happens). Meanwhile, leaning on racism is specifically what makes "race play" happen. It's not just people of different races playing together...it's specifically about invoking and playing on racist tropes as a fetish.
People trying to dismiss critiques of "race play" by invoking misogyny are missing the mark IMO.
Ehhhh, you can't say that. You can't pretend that a man who is into bdsm and rape play is acting independent of sexism. Thsys not true. Like you'd need to prove it.
Like let's look at rape play. That's based on rape culture and that's a patriarchal thing. We can't say that most men or even women who like rape play are doing it independent of rape play.
@@christianandjesse7370 BDSM =\= rape play. that’s the key.
@@irutopia But you could look at pretty much any other BDSM kink and find the same tropes...? It might not be the case in every example, but it is 99% of the time. I enjoy BDSM, but I'm not fooling myself. If sexism didn't exist, it wouldn't exist.
@@hang1iderswing I'd have to disagree with that. If sexism didn't exist, BD, DS and SM would still exist. SM has nothing to do with sexism, nor does the BD. If we want to talk about the DS dynamic, yes I do think this is the most related to sexism, but there would still be people would/wouldn't want to be in control in the bedroom. Degradation is not an inherent part of DS
@@amentrison2794 true, abuse and dominance isn't all of it. I don't think all bdsm has sexism built in. I think most people have internalized sexism and they don't take the time to evaluate how their sexism plays into their sexuality.
Insecurity =/= Submission
Confidence =/= Dominance
Hi Kat, I was a member of the BDSM community for a few years. I acted in a submissive role. I've since left the community as I discovered that my internalized misogyny and past experiences with abuse were the reason I though I deserved to be physically hurt by men in order to be sexually pleasing. I thought this is what I truly wanted and enjoyed, but with working with my therapist I realized that it wasn't my true desire it's just the only thing I thought I deserved. Could you speak to this type of situation a little bit sometime also? interested in your thoughts. thank you so much ☺️
I think it's interesting. I think that there are a lot of BDSMers who would benefit from therapy, but that therapy doesn't mean that they'd no longer have an interest in BDSM. I think it's helpful to question the why, especially when you have things to unpack, but it's not like going to therapy should be about you stopping BDSM UNLESS it was coming froma super unhealthy place. And I'd say for a lot of BDSMers it kinda does.
@@KatBlaque agreed, I think that for a lot of people it can be stemming from an unhealthy place and they aren't necessarily aware of that, therapy could be a helpful tool to help unpack the why behind their kinks but you are right that others wouldn't necessarily have the same experience as I did, perhaps they would discover that they really do just like the kinks they like because they like them
I guess I would call myself, like, BDSM curious. I don't know too much about the community, but some of the BDSM tropes are a turn on for me and my husband and I have engaged in some of those fantasies. I would definitely like to explore it more, but there is/was a small part of me that questioned whether I could engage with those fantasies and still call myself a feminist. The rational part of my brain says "of course you can; those fantasies are just that and having kinks is (at least for me) a separate, very private part of myself that exists just to feel good." There was still that little part of me that nagged, though.
I'm not involved in any BDSM community (honestly, I don't even know how one does this - is there an office downtown I apply to and pay dues like a gym membership? lol), so I don't have anyone other than my equally uninitiated husband to talk to about these things. So this video provided me with a lot of great insight. It's really validating and encouraging to hear that you can engage in kinky fantasies without devaluing yourself or your partner. Consider me sold, lol. 💚
I've found personally that the safest way of finding a BDSM community in your area is from friends that you trust who are also kinky. Barring that, you could try checking for a workshop put on by a nearby locally-owned small-business sex shop (not like a Castle megastore, but like. Lovers in Seattle). Online forums like FetLife are super hit and miss for finding community in much the same way that Tinder is hit and miss for finding someone to settle down and get married to. Yeah, sure it happens, and more frequently than you might think, but that isn't really the way that most people use it.
And of course you don't have to be involved in community if you don't want to. It isn't for everyone.
Munches and local workshop type meetups are good ways to meet folks to just chat with. If you can find a local rope club that teaches beginners, even if you're not super focused on rope, it's a good way to meet people while learning some good safety for bondage, and as Kat mentioned rope people tend to take it pretty seriously and it's not always about sex so you can find people who are just passionate about play but aren't on the hunt for partners. Takes some of the pressure off if you're a bit worried about walking into those spaces. Course this is all being said while we need to be mindful of covid. Maybe there are some people doing online meetups?
I would honestly say there are facebook groups that can help with that. It may be confusing at first because there are many subsets of BDSM, even in just the sub/dom world. Ask those questions. Be open to the answers.
I thought for a while I might be a little because I didn't understand what it was. But the more I asked and researched, I realized I am not. I do like some things Littles do (stuffies and coloring), but I do not age regress. I've realized I'm a bratty sub leaning switch. Between my relationships, talking to people on Facebook and some of my own research.
You can very much be a feminist and be into BDSM.
I hope this helps [:
💚 I’m not super familiar with the BDSM community, but it seems reductive for people to say all of BDSM is inherently misogynistic. BDSM encompasses so many different things, it’s almost inevitable that parts of it will be misogynistic- we live in a misogynistic society, and that shit’s pervasive. I really like that you pointed out how empowering it can be for women- women aren’t really taught to be in touch with their desires, and BDSM can be eye opening in that way. The focus on consent is also so so crucial and empowering. From what you’ve said, it seems like for every misogynistic chud using BDSM to mask abuse, there’s a bunch of regular people who value consent and stay in their lane, so calling all of BDSM misogynistic kind of takes away agency from those regular people, IMO. Time to sip my monster zero and wait for the next true tea!
I feel like holding the opinion that BDSM is misogynistic is low key misogynistic in and of itself lol. Thinking that submissives, especially women, don’t have any autonomy just reveals the underlying assumptions a lot of people have about the community. Loved this weeks lengthy brew! 💚
"Thinking that submissives, especially women, don’t have any autonomy just reveals the underlying assumptions a lot of people have about the community. "
FACTS. I don't speak for all doms but if my sub tells me she is no longer comfortable/she wants to revoke consent i back off immediately, otherwise that would just turn into abuse. imo all doms should have this kind of consideration for their subs.
same like im so sick of people who have no idea what theyre talking about trying to gaslight me into thinking my kinks are just internalised misogyny, im playing into what men want and im "only into it because we live in misogynistic society" etc
💚Honestly i think most people who are critical of “kink” are specifically criticising those who’ve absorbed the basic concepts of DM/SF through mainstream media (50 shades, etc) without bothering to properly learn about BDSM and are now using it as a way of abusing others or spreading misinformation that could be harmful eg: encouraging CNC or DDLG as a normal coping mechanism that *everyone* who’s been a survivor does (some people even claim it’s endorsed by therapists??) and not an extremely fringe activity between experienced people. It’s rare to see somebody referring to those who are actually in offline BDSM communities when criticising it, i think they do understand that theres a difference between experienced practitioners who know what theyre doing and have really thought in depth about their desires, and randos on the internet who think its super heckin valid uwu wear a remote controlled butt plug at build-a-bear. I absolutely agree that BDSM was never intended to be mainstream because almost everything involved is of an extremely sensitive and delicate nature, and while BDSM becoming more mainstream is resulting in more people being judgemental of it, its also resulting in more “kinksters” (quotations because its always ppl who dont know the first thing about bdsm doing this) who demand that every kink is validated by everyone, no matter how taboo or upsetting it may be, and if anybody has anything critical to say, or even anything thats just not overwhelmingly positive (even BDSMers dont seem safe from this) then they’re commiting the deadly sin of kinkshaming and you have to disregard everything they say or youre a Bad Leftist TM
Sorry if this was word salad i just kinda vommed it all out its 3am where i am lolol
Ehhhh maybe. Like something I think is questionable and unhealthy is 24/7 bdsm dynamics. You can't say those people are inexperienced and it's due to misinformation. It's just due to the facts. It's not healthy to be in any role 24 hours a day. I don't think its healthy on a fundamental level.
Experience is a part of it, but there are areas of kink that will always come off as abusive to others even with consent. Like cutting and whipping and shit.
And most people don't necessarily have an issue with subs. The issue is with doms, bexause many of them actually enjoy hurting people and especially the men often enjoy rape dynamics and shit like that and that's not something that experience and aftercare just magically fixes
I don't know why 50 Shades is constantly blamed for the bad image of BDSM, except that it was popular among women. It's certainly not worse than the other BDSM media I've been enjoying for years, and not even more misogynistic/problematic than most mainstream porn-- but god forbid the normies get involved in the kink, and suddenly it's not as cool anymore.
@@hang1iderswing right? Basic porn hub bdsm is way more harmful than 50 shades lol
@@christianandjesse7370 yeah 100% agree. I shouldve clarified im generally more of a kink-critical person and there are a lot of things like what you mentioned that i just dont have the time or patience to make allowances for. To me, that shit is harmful full stop and i will side-eye every dom indiscriminately since you just cant afford to give them the benefit of the doubt these days
@Briar D. yep my experiences are definitely similar to yours. I guess i mentioned 50 shades because its well known example that people tend to emulate but i will admit that like 90% of the influence comes from porn
I have a lot of very tabboo kinks and the thing that annoys me so much isn't that people feel uncomfortable with any my kinks (part of my interest in some of them is because they make me uncomfortable and I like sitting with that discomfort and unpacking that) my issues are with people who cast a moral judgment for these kinks with kink there are so many layers to why some one would like it and most of the time people are looking at that first layer and thinking that's all there is when it is often so much more and goes why deeper but people wanna act like they know all about your character as a person off of that first layer and it kind of pisses me off
And what most people want on these contexts is not to be judged.
@@KatBlaque exactly
💚 I'm more or less asexual, so, as an outsider, vanilla sex seems pretty misogynistic to me. BDSM seems less misogynistic. That may be because I learned about BDSM from adults in the scene who want to educate others and emphasize consent while I learned about vanilla sex from ignorant kids at school with some really messed up ideas about men and women. And, unfortunately, for many people, those ideas continue into adulthood.
such an interesting perspective - thank u for sharing this
Im asexual too, and the false, misogynistic ideas and misconceptions ive heard usually comes from people who do vanilla sex. Im sure theres misogynistic BDSMers but the impression ive had so far is that they tend to know their shit and not some false ideas and views they learned from society and porn.
Yeah, as another asexual, I've had the same experience and I think the same as you do.
I'm more or less the same. BDSM with it's emphasis on consent has always been interesting to me every sense I first learned about it.
“Vanilla sex” aka reproduction seems more misogynistic to you? That is so misguided...
💚
I have mixed feelings. I feel like kinks can have questionable roots that can be unpacked, but as long as people are consenting, it’s their job to evaluate their kinks not ours.
Everything we do has questionable roots and if we mean to grow up, we should consider unpacking our bs. That being said, you're right: it's their job and not ours; it's our job and not theirs.
💚 I'm more frustrated when the abusive or misogynist people in my community, like everybody knows who it is and warns new people but doesn't actually just kick that person out. I worry that their is almost a fear of being seen and exclusionary to the point that abusers are allowed to low key still do it because we "can't kink shame"
Yeah it's a challenge. It's why I have definitely stopped going to events
I’m upset that your animated video didn’t “perform” well! When I saw it suggested I watched it instantly, and it really was great and I loved seeing you use your animation skills that you’ve brought up before! Not trying to be a suck up fan but I actually that independently that video was really cool
"BDSM is inherently misogynistic!!"
me, thinking about femdom several hours a day: *gentle confusion*
But great job noting that misogynistic jerks exist even in THOSE spaces which would seem completely antithetical to the whole point. That seems to only further prove the point that it's not necessarily the paraphilia, sometimes they're just a bad person lol 💚
It seems like the popular image of femdom also includes a lot of sexism. IE, many of the popular tropes involve, for example, man being penetrated= submissive, men being "forced" to be feminine, wear makeup or heals = submissive, woman with a strap on= dominant. Do you think this is a false narrative? Most of this comes from porn made from men... who are themselves probably misogynistic. Also, do you agree that being a dom is actually a position with less control, and the sub really has all the control in the scene? It would seem to me that the power a sub has is basically to give or withdraw consent, which is a power the dom would also have. Ideally they'd have... equal power.
@@hang1iderswing Yeah that's what I've been noticing too. Is that the doms (regardless that they're are male or female) are usually a lot more masculine than the subs.
@LJ Johanna why ?
"BDSM is inherently misogynistic"
My non binary self:that seems legit
Lmao that "thick hot juicy tea".
Congrats on the animation work!!!
I'm no fan of BDSM but I think it unfair for people to think that the whole BDSM community is misogynistic because it is a very diverse community that include people from various backgrounds. One thing that people need to understand misogynistic individuals can exist in all social spaces unfortunately. Despite this, most communities do work hard to protect and most importantly educate each other to avoid contact with such individuals.
100% agree, Kat. I feel kinks are rarely problematic (e.g., misogynistic) even if based on problematic taboos so long as proper consent and interest is shared by all involved. I think people can, however, do problematic things while pursuing their kink, and kinks can get polluted by problematic people.
Also, your animation was FANTASTIC. I wish I knew how to do something like that 😰
💚 as a gay man who’s been interested in joining the BDSM scene in my area it has been seeing BDSM on the internet that really turned me off to the idea because of lots of what I perceived as internalized homophobia (misogyny) coming from dom top men. It’s nice to hear it’s not all the way it appears sometimes
YES speak on it. I’m wary of any cis gay male, vanilla, kinky, whatever, who is overly emphatic about being a total top. I’m not saying every single hard top is a misogynistic, femmephobic ball of internalized homophobia.... but I need them to show me they’re not.
Watching this while I get ready for my d appointment 💅🏻
Yesssss
Lemme sit here and live vicariously thru this comment 😂
Hell yeah yo go Kelly!
(Green Heart) I think for me it's difficult to understand the idea that 'BDSM is inherently misogynistic'. The sensations involved with things like being spanked or tied up are just sensations. They would probably still be enjoyable to some people in a world without misogyny.
We eat chili peppers and have judo clubs and exercise to the point of discomfort because some of us enjoy certain kinds of painful sensation. If the enjoyment can exist without misogyny then I don't see how it could be inherently misogynistic.
💚I always say poly and BDSM look different for everybody.... as a switch I agree with you on many things. If I'm talking with a potential Dom I always wait to see if they bring the topic of consent and aftercare, if they don't I play with them because clearly, my wellbeing during play is not their priority. when I'm subbing I still feel so powerful and in control.
Another thing I've noticed if the potential partner doesn't respect my boundary to get both of us tested that's a big red flag. That basically means to me that they don't care about my safety on that level will they on any other?
💚 Even to me, a vanilla, it seems obvious that consent is the true defining factor between kink/bdsm and the taboos they are based on. Just from reading comments under your videos I've observed that there are so many people who find it therapeutic to be able to roleplay while having control of the situation. From this conversation, your video on the public display of bdsm in a grocery store also came to mind, and one of the main reasons that was not ok was because it lacked the consent of the other people that were being exposed to the scene. As long as it involves some form of consent from all parties involved, I'm not going to judge someone for what they decide do with their body.
I love this video topic! The psychology behind kink has always been incredibly fascinating to me and I'm so happy that you're giving a platform to discuss it.
As someone with a fair share of kinks and with an interest in kinks as a concept, I think a really illuminating concept is the "misattribution of arousal." It's been theorized that one way kinks form is due to a physiological response, like fear or disgust, being mistakenly linked in the body to sexual arousal because the responses are similar in nature. I think this really helps explain how kinks that are not socially acceptable don't necessarily mean the person who is into them thinks the concept behind them is OK.
Just to use an example of myself that ties into the video, I have a little bit of a thing for degradation. My limits are pretty tame - I certainly wouldn't call it sissifaction - but I can find being called "b***h" or "f@g" appealing sometimes. Who knows if this is the full story, but I can kinda trace it back to growing up in a sporty Catholic school where I was repressed and all my teenage boy fantasies revolved around very homophobic guys. I often lived in fear of being outed, and the response of guys to that. It makes sense to me that at some point the wires crossed and the separate feelings got rolled into one. Basically, "I think he's hot, he'd say the worst stuff to me if he knew that" got combined into "This hot guy will say the worst stuff to me and I feel attracted to him."
So does that mean I would've liked it if I *actually* got bullied or brutalized for being gay? Absolutely not. That was still a real concern for me. Do I like being called "f@g" outside of the bedroom? Absolutely not, I don't put up with that in the slightest. And back to the crux of the video, does it make me misogynistic that I sometimes like to be degraded in a way tied to masculinity? At least to me, no. It's precisely the fact that it's always been such a disgusting thing to me that it's now a bit attractive. Kinks take on a mind of their own and, from what I've experienced, generally end up pretty far mentally removed from any distressing place they might have started.
Tl;dr: There's a reason people have kinks for very taboo things that is not tied to their personal morality, and often times those kinks develop from finding instances of it in the real-world distressing in the first place. One's kinks are definitely not necessarily reflective of who they are! 💚
Thanks for sharing this. I also try to question myself this way. Can I ask, does your awareness of the psychological root affect how you engage in your kinks?
love your comment, fascinating :o i relate in that i have a mental illness that makes my relationship with control difficult, while in the outside world i try my best to manage it, in bdsm the extremes outright stated and agreed allow me a moment of rest from that struggle
I wish more people could let people have their kinks instead of trying to police the BDSM community. I am a gay black man and I enjoy raceplay but at the same time, I'm super pro-black and I don't think I have to choose between the two identities. I'm against police brutality and injustices that black people face in society. My kink in the bedroom holds no weight on my view of how I think black people should be viewed in socio-political spaces. For me, raceplay is just an extreme of power exchange play. In some way I feel powerful as the submissive in raceplay because it cannot occur without my concent and at any moment when I feel uncomfortable, it stops.💚
With all due respect, does that kink exist in a vacuum? Kat’s point in the video is essentially let consenting adults, and I agree that no one is being hurt, but I also think introspection wouldn’t hurt.
But that racial abuse can and will exist without your consent. How do you call yourself pro black but seek out racial abuse for a nut? How do you believe a white person would do these things and is not actually racist? Im curious .
With any act that requires the dom to act in an abusive manner, it really comes down to trust. Personally I wouldn't let someone white call me slurs, but I do like the idea of a white man overpowering me. So it comes down to how they treat me outside of bed, and if I trust them with such a nuanced situation. I learned I can't just let someone do this to me then have no deep conversation or understanding of each other after. Kills casual sex, but worth the peace of mind
@@apopofculture I will agree with you that there is some room for introspection and after reading some of the replies I think I will sit with it and see if there's something deeper there
@@UNSEENoUNIDENTIFIED I think what helps me compartmentalize it is the fact that the kink draw only exist in it's shock value. For me it's not about the racism itself but rather the disturbing nature of it that make it so appealing akin to voyeurism (granted a lot more extreme). I can understand how you would question my pro-blackness cuz I won't lie, this kink does bring me a great deal of shame; so much so I had to leave this comment on my alternate account lol but I assure you I'm so down for black people on all other fronts
Well am bi what I noticed about my self is that am Dom with men sub with women.💚
That's incredibly common
@@KatBlaque Hi
lol omg I'm usually the opposite
💚 Your lipstick matches the poster behind you! I'm vanilla (mostly?), but I have several friends into bdsm, so this is an interesting conversation for an outsider. This seems like an example of how contextualization matters. If someone is being notably misogynistic, it sounds like they probably aren't aware enough of their own socialization and beliefs to negotiate a good bdsm scene.
Thank you for mentioning ageplay/rapeplay being common amongst actual rape victims and childhood sexual assault survivors. Even in CSA support groups ageplay is *heavily* stigmatized and misunderstood. I totally get it if it’s not someone’s thing, but as a coping mechanism it hurts when somebody insults you for it. My boyfriend doesn’t want to fuck a child just because I call him daddy lol. I think BDSM should definitely become more understood, not really completely normalized.
Bro, you are jerking off to fantasies of people being raped...how is this different than a pedo, or any more trustworthy? It is the most plain, straightforward example of a culture that does not care about rape victims and is normalizing and fetishizing their horror and torture.
yeah if u pretend to be a child ppl are gonna think ur weird (u are) boohoo
I'm not super familiar w the BDSM community, but this conversation reminded me of a video I was watching yesterday by Evie Lupine (I think?) about pet play, and to be honest the whole thing makes me feel pretty uncomfortable, but the people in the video seemed really happy and content with their kink, and honestly I feel that what we need to understand is that the whole thing is just role play and I dont have to understand it and it doesn't have to make /me/ comfortable, as long as the people participating are doing it in a consensual and safe way, idk, your point about furries reminded me of that 💚
💚 I think we would learn alot about whats actually going on in our minds as people in the US by observing the kink community. What we hide what we dont hide. What we find ok and not ok. What we think is okay to consent to and not consent to. You can learn alot about people just by watching
💚Would submissive women be a thing if misogyny wasn't a thing? I definitely still think yes. Would misogyny-play be a thing if misogyny wasn't a thing? definitely not. It wouldn't be a vector of degradation kind play either, but degradation still would be a thing.
I do worry that sometimes things are very close if not actually self-harm, that said I think self-harm in a controlled way, as safe as possible, isn't something that should be judged. Sometimes one form of self-harm is a better thing than not having any coping method. Idk i come at it as someone who has suffered a lot of stuff and does experience self harm and realized that the rush from exploring BDSM hits the same spots as putting myself down and that scares me, that said I don't want anyone to feel bad for doing their thing as long as they're trying to keep it safe and consensual.
what is the greenheart mesn
💚 i’ m non binary Afab and for a long time misogyny related play with consent during bdsm with loving partners helped me a lot to deal with the sexism I experienced and internalized « dysphoria », during a scene all those things that hurt me felt good and it felt like I could transform it and give me energy to build my way of dealing with agressions. « Féminisation » play helped me réalise a lot of things about my gender and the performance of gender etc. - these desires are gone now, I explore other stuff. Kink is very rich and fluid, it can be a great and loving way to deal with pain too - it’s often link to self discoveries, studies and deep conversations!
What a great and nuanced video! I do think when people have this conversation, bdsmers are talking about actual people who participate in the community, while people who call it misogynistic are talking about the more outside cultural idea of what bdsm is. I don’t really think I’m participating in misogyny when being submissive in a negotiated scene. But at the same time I see things like 16 year old girls saying “choke me daddy” and it makes me really sad, and I think there’s something further there beyond just individual misogynistic doms. Maybe this is my argument against representation and normalization of bdsm lol, might be something that works better for everyone if it’s a little underground.
💚
if misogyny didn't exist there would still be sub and doms of both genders, i think the only way that wouldn't exist is a world where theres no such thing power dynamics.
I'm not part of the community, but what would you say the gender ratio of dom/sub is ?
@@liliminimaya6221 i dont know. im sure its does fall along gendered lines to an extent. im a gay guy so i dont know too much about that.
💚 Honestly you hit the nail on the head for me when you brought up sissification. There do exist kinks that embody misogyny deliberately - and that kind of highlights how and why kink as a whole does not, because it does not always look that way, and frequently doesn't.
And just from a personal standpoint I have a hard time believing that people who paint all BDSM as misogyny are acting in good faith. The logic I've heard from people trying to justify their stance just has to jump through so many hoops to make sense, pretty much all of which you addressed here.
I think the thing to remember about misogyny is it is inescapable, it is a part of every part of our society. A lot of the points you make could also be made about makeup. Some people like makeup and like women who wear makeup for misogynist reasons, but there are also many people who like makeup just cause decorating your body with fun colors is cool for them. 💚
I think kinks can be misogynistic. Calling out problematic kinks isnt “kink shaming” kink shaming isnt wrong anyway
I had some negative experiences when I first started going to events but where I'm from that's standard for newbies, it's treated as a rite of passage. I find it so hard to respect the "your kink, my kink" mentality because I judge my community on how it treats its most vulnerable (the noobs) and there are so many problematic individuals who hold positions of power/own and operate the few spaces we have here. When I don't challenge people in my community on how they practice their kink, that's what allows toxic people to flourish. I personally can't have fun when I know that others are having traumatic experiences. It's difficult for me to convince my friends to advocate for the safety of others when most of them now have established partners and relationships and are somewhat removed from the noob experience of our community. 💚
I'm with ya there
💚 I agree wholeheartedly with what you said about BDSM coming from taboo. A lot of it can also come from trauma! I feel like many discussions about certain fetishes romanticizing bad things are straight up disrespectful of the victims' experiences and ways of dealing with their trauma. Most of the times I've seen people trash talking BDSM it's radical feminists trying to convince you that it comes from patriarchal gender roles, which completely dismisses the history of the leather gay community and it makes NO sense!! The arguments used are usually very surface level and they seem to have a misunderstanding about fetishes in general. Of course, that is not to say that there aren't horrible people that disguise their abuse as fetish, but there are bad apples everywhere and it's simply dishonest to label an entire community as bad because of a few posers. Also, congrats on your animation, it's really beautiful! So angry that youtube didn't notify us about it 😡
I agree. I think the misogyny and anti-feminism arguments are kind of asking the wrong question and very shallow like you say. With kink I do think there is a trauma link there for a lot of people (not all) and I do try to interrogate that and what is or isn't healthy. But only of myself. I don't think how other people process trauma is any of my business, but it is something I can't help wondering about.
Bro, some of these fetishes are literally jerking off to rape. how is this different than a pedo, or any more trustworthy? It is the most plain, straightforward example of a culture that does not care about rape victims and is normalizing and fetishizing their horror and torture.
This!! I’m in a straight relationship rn and as a sub woman I often wondered if I am participating in my own dehumanization? I’m very lucky that my straight male partner is the kind of guy that NEEDS my consent to enjoy himself, so I feel better about my desires now. I really agree with you, getting into bdsm was a way for me to prioritize my enjoyment as well as my partners, thanks for the awesome video!! 💕
YES! YES! THANK YOU. I've been on both sides of this one, (well, not your kinks per se), but, yeah... we're opposite but not that different. I'm a type, and I get approached by folk who want to sub for someone of my type. I reject a lot of subs because their thing feels unhealthy. I totally agree about not allowing mainstream tourists to prude up BDSM/Kink scenes. I love the depth you are bringing to this. As a Cis Male Dommy MacSwitch, I get people making assumptions that I'm not into because I get a bad read off their thing. Recently, a dude came at me seeking sissification, and I talked with him (because hey, it's +mas), and I could not get into the deep misogyny of his thing. And I kept thinking: "What does Kat Blaque have to say about this sh*t?" because it feels all kinds of wrong to me.
... maybe "wrong" is too judgey, but, True T. Right? I'm trying to meet my partner where they are at, and give them the thing they need. That's what get's me off. I don't get off on the power, I get off on gratifying my partner. I need solid healthy boundaries to enjoy my role in any scene. Thanks again for bringing this deeply esoteric topic forward, in an considerate healthy way and doing your best to explain it to the folk.
💚 You have a lot of good points! It's a tough convo because it requires nuance and talking about things that make people uncomfortable lol
I try to focus on whether all the individuals involved are being respected and not get caught up in my feelings as an outsider. I think all feelings are valid since they can't really be controlled but just because something makes me uncomfortable doesn't mean that thing is actually bad. I've just learned to actively curate my experiences and avoid what I don't like.
💚 Kat I am not a BDSMer, but I love listening to you talk while I draw
CW: pedophilia
Dear Kat Blaque, I owe you my eternal gratitude for making this video.
I was sexually abused multiple times as a pre-teen by an old man and it left horrible scars. I've isolated myself for years. Never had any sexual interaction. But now after my coming out as trans and starting my transition I found this really cute elderly guy on a dating site who is also into age play. I am currently working against the stigma I internalized and your video really helped me on that. Thank you so much, I finally feel ready and happy to have a partner who accepts me and lets me enjoy my true life 😭
I am by no means a professional domme or anything but i can say that i enjoy being the dominant one in the relationship including bedroom and you know what ? since the media always represents BDSM with a male dom and a female sub ,and guys think that women by default enjoy "hair pulling,spitting, choking, slaping"
. It's very annoying how many men will asume you are submissive just because you are a woman and try to do these things to you.
Video idea: a fun animation tutorial where you go over the programs you use and some quick techniques you used in the animation video... unless that exists already. I would LOVE if you expanded on your animation talent in your videos.
I try my best not to kink shame but I can’t stand by age play at all. With child trafficking at an all time high I genuinely want nothing to do with men who get off to the idea of someone being dressed like a baby or a small child & excessively behaving as one because where does the line stop? If you get off to grown women acting like kids then how do you actually feel about kids?.... it’s too vague. What exactly is sexy about child like behavior? It’s something to think about..
💚I really do have to look at BDSM through a "you do you" lens, as a pretty vanilla person the only thing I see myself loving is being tied up with ropes. A lot of it I don't get, but at the same time, I don't think BDSM as a whole is inherently misogynistic. I like that consent is taken so seriously by the community, I really feel like I would trust a (vetted) BDSMer with my body more than most vanilla men.
I get your points, that are very interesting as always. But I guess the main point I see here is that misogyny is not only rooted in individuals intentions but rather in collective structures. So to me, in vanilla or in BDSM there is some misogyny that just come from society. But what's interesting is how we can try to rethink that and distance ourselves from this on a more personnal level ; and that's where your conversation was really so spot on.
guys go watch the animation it's really good
As a dominant woman I agree with you about everything, especially the part about sub men being misogynistic and people assuming certain things and dynamics just because I am a woman identifying as a dominant.
I feel like a theme/lesson I keep seeing in conversations like this is that looking at a thing and saying "Is ____ Bad" is really reductive, kind of shuts down much hope of there being good-faith discussion and makes people really defensive. It's a really good, healthy thing to ask "Does ____ have problematic elements and what are they?" or even "Does _____ have enough problematic elements it outweighs the good?". The problem is when it starts getting tied up with attitudes of "well, [thing] has elements that can be seen as sexist, which means that it is inherently misogynist and Bad, THEREFORE you cannot engage in it or even find it interesting. Otherwise you are not a Good Feminist and are actually Bad, yourself". We also see the inverse of that, where someone basically reasons that "Well, I know I am a Good Person and a Good Feminist. I also know I like [thing]. If [thing] were bad that would make me a Bad Feminist. Therefore, [thing] cannot be bad and I will defend it against even fair criticism (and maybe be kind of an asshole in the process) because the idea I could like a thing with problematic elements is antithetical to how I think of myself"
I’m pretty sure a number of my kinks are rooted in abuse I’ve experienced. However there’s a huge difference in me engaging in acts as a submissive woman consensually with safe guards versus being abused with absolutely no self agency. Bdsm is almost a way of reframing past traumas.
I definitely agree bdsm does not need to be mainstream. It’s too complex and delicate. Engaging in bdsm ethically takes people with integrity and self awareness.
First, I loved your animation video!
I really like this video about BDSM, and I have some thoughts. I agree with what you're saying. I also think that for a lot of people it's not just a fantasy, they think of it as real life. Some folks do 24/7 dynamics. Some stuff does make me really uncomfortable, like bimbofication... and any time someone is "breaking down" someone psychologically and "changing/molding" them. A lot of male doms have this fantasy of *actually* breaking a sub mentally and physically until they have real power over them. And some people, both subs and doms don't think that "slaves" in BDSM should have safewords... this stuff honestly freaks me out. Thoughts?
I agree with you there and in my opinion those people are just misogynistic. I've known men like that. Push em a bit more.anx you find their politics are also violently misogynistic
95 percent of the information I have about BDSM has come directly from you. In my relatively small circle of people I know, the predominantly vanilla sex individuals are the ones who would benefit the most from having conversations and deeply considering their desires as well as misogyny and how those things may or may not work together in their life. A majority of the people I know just are not having conversations on this level when it comes to sex. I get why people would see a male dom in certain scenes( is that correct?) With a submissive woman. I hear that you acknowledge misogyny exists within the community but the thing is that within these spaces it seems like, in healthy BDSM consent is important. Not only this but I've also gotten the impression from your videos that the community will communicate about abusive doms within the community. In addition to the fact that, I would assume, quite a few people deeply consider their desires before participating. These aren't things that I hear a lot of vanilla sex participants having. Obviously I love the content and discussion here but there are very few people in rl I would be able to take serious if that was an issue they had with BDSM, especially if they had zero experience. All I can pick up on tbh are healthy approaches to sex that are all too often missing from conversations that I experience. It definitely is not inherently misogynistic and if two people regardless of their gender can enjoy what they in enjoy in a healthy and informed way, it doesn't seem like it matters a bunch.
But the general population can't even handle wearing masks so I really hope BDSM does not go mainstream. On a different note, are people really into BDSM because it is taboo?
I've had people try to understand homosexuality through this lense before and it seemed so odd. Obviously these are completely different but for some reason this kind of surprises me. I suppose I'd really only seen it as people looking for other people who wanted to experience some of the same things and not necessarily seeking out something taboo.
I always appreciate these videos of your and regardless of the topic I really just love to hear your take on things. 💚💚💚💚🖤
People are not into BDSM because it is taboo, per se, but there is a theory that sexual attraction is tied closely to shame. Shame can be a thrilling emotion, and it can cross wires in sexual attraction so that something which is shameful feels like something that is arousing, because in a lot of physiological ways, it is (heightened breathing, flushed cheeks, nervousness in your stomach). Shame and arousal, physiologically, do very similar things to your body. But none of this is on a conscious level - (most) people don't think "I want to be spanked because it's just soooo tabooo." Rather, it might happen that they are spanked as a child, feel shame about the punishment, either in the moment or later misinterpret it as arousal, turn to porn to cope with those feelings of shame/arousal, and find pleasure without shame in something which is based on mutual respect and consent. Et voila, now you have a kink.
Plus there's the sort of meta-narrative here which others have touched on, which is that once it stops being taboo, it stops being defined as BDSM and just becomes normal sex. Like anal.
@@steelplatedheart Oh I see. Now that you say that it seems obvious. Thank you for elaborating.
@@steelplatedheart Cool! This theory fits with my personal experience. Where did you come across it? I'd be interested to understand more deeply. But then that deeper understanding also makes me super uncomfortable and I don't know what to do with that!
@@dassijes5943 I'm afraid I couldn't tell you :-( I studied sexuality in university but it's been 7 years now so I remember the facts but not the sources.
@@steelplatedheart ah, no worries! :)
I just need a semi vanilla relationship that actually involves the same willingness to discuss and respect consent
💚💚💚 I hope more people see your animated short - it's really great! 💚💚💚
Tonight I'm eating dinner, so I just have water as my beverage (though water is usually my beverage of choice, after I have my morning coffee, haha). Maybe I'll have a glass of wine later...
As a furry, that analogy was actually pretty good lol :) Also, thanks for making this video. It's helped me understand some BDSM kinks that I thought were a bit odd before (I'm not into bdsm lol) 💚
Also your last point got me thinking, do you think bdsm is becoming maybe too accessible/mainstream? I'm honestly curious
I have divided thoughts. On one hand BDSM being accessible is incredibly important and I think even vanillas can learn from it...at the same time watering down BDSM tends to result in an alienation of older people and a dismissal of kinks deemed inappropriate because they are hard to defend, which leads to more people hiding.
29:13 oh yeah there’s def zoosadists in the fandom and we kinda try to make sure everyone is aware and get them out of the community but it can be hard sometimes
If anything BDSM is way less misogynistic than vanilla... like imagine if all vanilla men actually asked for consent and actually tried to please their partner. That would be wonderful
Yay, a new True Tea video ! 😊 It's 3AM where I am, but I just can't resist watching the video right away. 😁 Your animated film was awesome btw ! 🤩 It made me a little teary-eyed, it was really moving, and your art is so beautiful ! 🥺
💚hey! it’s so nice to hear you talk about bdsm, i’m 20 years old and a bdsmer but i’m not apart of the community and i don’t ever really see myself going to conventions or anything, but i’m glad that i can be a part of some discourse on it from the safety of my dorm room. i’ve thought about bdsm and possibly misogyny a lot, but really as you said, having a good partner is everything! i only participate with my boyfriend who i’ve been with for about 2.5 years and known for about 6. i’m a victim of sexual assault so it’s hard to trust people, especially with my body, but i have a partner who i trust completely and fully. we’re both switches but i tend to sub and i’m into some rape play(though i prefer not to call it that) just because i’m into being super sub sometimes and i want my partner to be in full control sometimes. i just relish finally having a partner that i can fully and completely trust and that knows how to please me. in what i do i don’t see any misogyny, kinda the opposite actually, because my partner and i have equal power in what we decide we want to do and we only play with that dynamic for the kink, not in the even everyday function of our relationship. i love being a kinky fuck and playing around with different things, just having someone you trust is so important!
sorry this is kinda ramble-y
-elena
As a submissive, I think that bdsm would always exist even if misogyny didn't. For me I never discovered bdsm, I've just always been into it and its always been apart of me with my earliest memory being at 6 (Even though I didn't know what sex was as an explanation of why I wanted what I wanted.) I didn't know what misogyny was then, and even now that I do I find it irrelevant. This is just a part of me that I can't change, and I assume that any of my partners have felt the same. That's why we do it.
i can relate to this, ive always had these kind of bdsm thoughts ever since i was young. i also, just like you, didnt understand what sex was. haha.
Ngl, a few years ago I read as the entire BDSM Wikipedia page and a few related pages and articles, and it gave me a lot of respect for and understanding of the community because, even though I’m sure there was some incorrect information, the page emphasised consent and boundaries etc. Now (even as someone who is completely uninterested in BDSM), when people make fun of it, I try to defend it, and everyone thinks I’m weird… I think they don’t understand the core nature of BDSM.
💚 this is a very good video, tho it hasnt really changed my perspective. my issue with it isn't so much the misogyny but the fact that violence is mixed in w/ sexual things, and the fact that people want to roleplay scenarios that, in real life, are actually super disgusting. like it just feels so wrong to me that someone would stand against pedophilia for example, but then think it's hot when their partner acts like a baby and calls them "mommy" or "daddy". so yeah i just don't take issue with the misogyny as much as i do the fact that it turns horrible things into someone's fantasy, and the fact that people have gotten seriously injured from the violence that happens in stuff like BDSM.
(not really interested in making this an argument i'm just sharing MY OWN thoughts...i get a lot of people who think my thoughts are an invitation to a 5 hour long debate when that's just not the case)
The green lipstick and the flower dressss 💚💚💚
Dommy mcdommerson on dommerson lane kills me everytime 💚
Rule of thumb that works always:
Misogyny is found in e v e r y field.
I had no idea you made an illustrated film, frustrated I never got the notification but will watch it now! 💕
Since I'm a domme every time ppl say that BDSM is misogynistic. I'm like I'm into the opposite like BDSM has helped me love myself more and make me feel powerful while before I felt powerless
i absolutely loooove these conversations. as a newbie in bdsm, your videos help me reflect a lot and really think about agency, consent, kink shaming, etc. thank you for all of it (green heart)
Great thumbnail! Didn't know you were branching out into hentai but I support this direction for you 💚
Lol
I read a comic called Sunstone ages ago, a BDSM comic, and the biggest takeaway was consent of both parties, the care involved in setting up scenes, establishing boundaries, researching and prioritizing safety, AFTERCARE which I don't often hear about. There's so much consideration into BDSM that doesn't often get explained when it hits the mainstream's attention? And that the sub has as much power as the Dom when respect and safety are prioritized.
But when we see it in the mainstream we don't see all of that, just the kinky shit -- the scenes mid-play, the sex full-throttle. That leaves a lot of room for interpretation as to how to get there, and those interpretations can be harmful, shallow, and/or just plain uneducated.
"Submissive men can be hella misogynistic" PREACH!!!!!!!!!!
I've recently discovered your channel and the intellectual stimulation with regard to kink is AWESOME!!!
Also I thought I was unique in being uncomfortable with sissification. I find it deeply misogynistic and I thought I was just being hypersensitive. Thank you for voicing that.
💚 I feel like people should talk about how a kink makes each person feel instead of kink shaming an entire group without listening, but people who participate on a "problematic" kink should try to undertand what is it about the act that gives them pleasure, since it could in fact be rooted in misoginy, racism..etc
BDSM is no more oppressive to certain groups than the vanilla world is. Because these are still just people who live in the same society as everyone else and despite having different interests, they can carry the same biases.
You’re right, the way your recent animation video was posted has made it react weirdly to the algorithm. I remember when I saw it, days after the upload, I was shocked I had not been alerted earlier. It’s unfortunate because the piece is suuuuuch beautiful work!! So so good seriously congrats
I have a lot of complicated feelings about BDSM and rougher sex in general, and I've avoided watching your videos on this topic for a while because I didn't know how I'd take them. This topic can be a bit triggering to me at times, but in the end I truly enjoyed this video.
I currently identify as nonbinary with they/them pronouns, though I lean more feminine and identify more with women in the binary, and my sexuality is a hard ace/aro. However, for many years, I believed I was a hypersexual bi man who preferred men, and I was into some really violent stuff. I thought I was a complete dom, and I had this really overwhelming urge to be violent towards men. I always wrote it off as just a heavy kink, but as I began to discover my true identity, I realized it was my unhealthy way of hitting back at the group of people, specifically cis men, I thought had oppressed me all my life. I had been forcing myself to be very sexual and very masculine for our patriarchal society when I was neither. Men had shamed me all my life for being feminine, and I had never fit in with them, and I didn't know how to gain my own agency against them. The only way I knew was to lash out by being dominant and having kinks that involved shaming, feminizing, name-calling, physical violence, etc. It was a way to show that I was above them, that all the things they had traumatized me with didn't matter because I inferred superiority over them with my sexual actions.
For me, it was an unhealthy distraction from my true identity and my true feelings about the world. Anytime I felt uncomfortable in a masculine role in an encounter, or realized I wasn't really enjoying the actual mechanics of sex, I would just press into this violent dominant role even further to cover up my doubts. That's why BDSM can be triggering for me, because my brain can still be susceptible to that line of thinking, that being sexually dominant over men is just a kink and the cure to my feelings. That it is the healthy way for me to overcome my issues when it really just sets me back even more.
For a long time I've allowed myself to not be the most sex-positive person in the world in order to regain my own agency as an asexual person, and to allow myself to be desexualized by distancing myself from sexual things in general. I've gotten very scared for people who share similar kinks that I used to have, because I tend to think they are in the same position as me. That being violent and such in sex means you are dealing with trauma that could be better treated in other ways. That's why I've struggled to regain my sex-positivity; I've always felt like it's hard for me to be positive towards encounters and relationships that would have been harmful for myself.
However, this video really opened my eyes again to the fact that being sex-positive doesn't mean I have to give any credence to my old kinks and encounters. I can feel uncomfortable with BDSM and rough sex and still support it since people can do what they want to do. I'm allowed to have my feelings over all of this, and my history and reasons for avoiding it, but that doesn't mean I need to stop other people from BDSM, that people are doing kinks for the same reason as me. People can be doing this stuff healthily, even if I couldn't, even if it did more harm than good for me.
Overall, I just really appreciated this video, it really opened up my thinking again. I'm sorry for this massive essay and I doubt anyone will fully read this, but this video just had my brain thinking and thinking and I decided to share my full thoughts for once. Thanks for your content as always Kat you're literally so brilliant 💚
I definitely see where you're coming from, and you've given me a lot to think about. I do think this kind of thinking allows for a lot of nastiness to go on behind closed doors, and especially as people start to try to make bdsm/kinks more "mainstream" its becoming more of an issue of these kinks getting outside of the bedroom. idk it's a very complicated topic, thanks for ur opinion, I don't think I entirely agree with everything you said💚
This video really changed the way I viewed bdsm, the part where you talked about 'would bdsm exist if misoginy didn't exist?' got me thinking about how diverse the bdsm scene is, it seems like it has more to do with getting off on taboos then getting off of social norms lol
I’ve been in the scene for a decade and in pretty intensive training for the past 4. My dom has around 40 years of experience win the scene 20 of which he was purely a sub. I highly suggest finding yourself a service dom, a dom for whom a large part of their enjoyment comes from wanting to give their sub a scene that they will enjoy and find useful. My dom has been running sex temple at different events with a big focus on education and the more spiritual side of BDSM and sex for the past 25 years. It’s been so inspiring to help run the temple and be able to teach people about the safer ways to do the things that we do. One thing we stress a lot to subs is that even though they may enjoy power exchange they need to remember that they have agency that if there’s something they don’t like not to brush it off but bring it up and talk with their dom about it and if a dom can’t respect you enough to address your concerns they aren’t a dom worth submitting to.
loved this video, i’ve spent a lot of time thinking about these aspects of bdsm as someone who has some “problematic” kinks but is also an sjw type aha, you made me feel a lot more reassured about having a live-and-let-live attitude! 💚
This is one of those issues where I don't think I'm ever going to fully get it, and I know I'm not supposed to. The only takes here I really take issue with is things like "it's just a fantasy" or "it's just something I want to do." Desires and fantasies don't exist in a vacuum, and you can never completely separate your fantasies and desires from the society you live in.
Tuesdays are the best days of the week
i love listening to your videos while I draw 💙💙
I'm here two years late to tell you that I love your green makeup 💚 (EDIT: I commented before I knew what the emoji was! I must have espn or something 👁👁)