"If you could only ever have sex with people you aren't attracted to you'd have to come up with some pretty elaborate fantasies and situations to make sex work for you." This helped me understand asexuality. Thank you for the useful explanation.
I’m a 64 year old ace. I didn’t discover this until 6 or 7 years ago. I have a kink that goes back to at least as early as age 10, maybe even 7. Because of my sex positivity including my kink, I figured I was “normal” and assumed I would really enjoy sex. But when I tried it, it was disappointing. At some point it was more of a chore than anything enjoyable. Your comment that sex is in our heads is so right on! I love the idea or fantasy of sex, but the reality is messy, stressful, and requires me to be touched a lot, which I do not enjoy. Fortunately, I happened into a relationship with a woman who is also on the spectrum and we’ve been happily married without sex for over 20 years.
Thank you for this comment. Thank you. I am in my 20s and just came out of my first failed relationship because of my aegosexuality (asexuality with interest in kink, just... not the reality or chore of it). Hopelessness and doubt creeps in quite often about how I will always be doomed to upset anyone I'm in a relationship with: purely asexual people? Repulsed by me. Purely allosexual people? Led on by me and frustrated. To hear that you are an older asexual who has found your own success story fills me with so much hope, and staves away so much of my self-hatred. I'm sorry for getting so personal here, but hearing that your reality is a real and POSSIBLE one is very moving to me. I have hope, and I feel so much less alone. There are more like me than just me. I hope you have a wonderful life. May your relationship be peaceful, long, and cherished.
You've expressed my feelings on sex quite well in saying it was disappointing, and a chore. For me, it has the added difficulty of being a sensory nightmare (autism plays a factor for me).
@@KidarWolf stressful, tedious, and messy. That’s exactly how I describe it. I think I might be on the autism spectrum as well, but I’ll never know for sure because it’s too expensive to find out.
I don't myself identify as asexual, but what I've heard other folks in the ace community say is that there's a difference between being sex positive and sex favorable. You can have healthy attitudes toward sex no matter how you feel about you, yourself, personally having sex. So an ace person can be sex averse or even sex repulsed but still sex positive. Only some aces are sex favorable, but all aces can be, and often are, sex positive.
A lot of aces have big imaginations :) A lot of us are writers, or artists or both. There's also a lot of crossover between asexuality and neurodivergence, and neurodivergent brains are more likely to be engaged with creative tasks, because of the way our brains make connections between things that don't necessarily go together. It's a pretty fascinating rabbit hole when you get into it!
I would say it's less a link and more a big overlap in the vendiagram of people who are ace, people who are neuro-divergent, and people who are neuro-typical who all like/write fanfiction. I say this as a neuro-divergent ace who is sex-repulsed (though maybe I don't count, because I don't write spicy fanfiction).
I wish I had this video back in time to my past self an an ex-"friend" of mine. I met a guy a few years ago who became VERY into me very quickly. To temper his expectations a little, I explained to him that I was asexual. He didn't really understand, since he had a particularly rigid understanding of what I meant and basically just assumed I was repulsed by all sex. Occasionally, if I made a horny joke or commented that I found a fictional character attractive, he would comment about how I was "not a very good asexual". I tried to give a deeper explanation to him about my asexuality, like how I could be attracted to certain kinks or situations without the actual sex part being the primary driver. Unfortunately, my understanding of my own desires at that time was rocky at best, and I didn't know where the core of my unusual attractions came from. Fast forward after a few months of this back-and-forth, our relationship had progressed to the point where we were regularly engaging in a lot of sensual activities, like rubbing backs and getting goosebumps or just snuggling on the couch together. One night, while doing this with him, he decided to take things a step farther. I basically forced myself to go along with what he wanted largely thanks to what you mentioned before; my upbringing in a sex-centric world made me ill-prepared to handle not being that way. Maybe I did actually want this? Maybe I just hadn't met the right person until now? Maybe this is how everyone feels and I was just being dramatic? When we were done, the answer to all of those questions was a resounding "no". I couldn't even look at him because I felt so sick to my stomach about what I had done. He had no idea what was going through my head, and actually assumed the opposite was true. A few days later, when we discussed what happened, he gleefully proclaimed, "I knew you weren't actually ace!" It was then that I finally explained to him how uncomfortable I truly felt, and how I didn't say anything at the time due to my own nerves and confusion. He didn't take the news well; he cried and said that he wouldn't do it again. I thought that this would be the end of him trying anything sexual with me, but that couldn't have been farther from the truth. The dynamic between us eventually continued as though nothing had changed. I explained to him that I was comfortable with our sensual activities from before, which we both still enjoyed. But after a couple months of us doing that, he would inevitably assume that I was ready to move onto the "next stage", as it were, and this time I would definitely enjoy it. He just couldn't wrap his head around the idea that I enjoyed sensual contact with him, but not sexual. I became better at rejecting his advances and never consented to doing anything sexual with him again, but he just kept trying. Over and over, he continued to insist that I wasn't actually ace and that I would feel better once I finally accepted the feelings for him I which was supposedly suppressing. Eventually, his frustration and stubbornness finally boiled over. I was SA'd. It was only then that I finally decided to cut him out of my life. I think back on this situation constantly, and I probably will for the rest of my life, wondering how many things I could have done differently. And I can't help but feel like this ugly situation could have been avoided if I had been better about searching out videos like this one. Both for helping me understand my own sexuality, and also getting better at explaining it to other people. When you live in such a sex-focused world, it's hard not to believe that there's something wrong with you if you don't experience attraction the "right" way. But if nothing else, videos like this make it easier to accept this uncomfortable fact about myself. I'm not sure if I can ever feel pride in my asexuality, given how many times it has driven people away from me. But perhaps I can at least learn to make peace with it. I'm not sure if I'll regret being so open about my situation in a stranger's UA-cam comment section, of all places. But hey, if nothing else, I'm boosting this in the algorithm so that more people can see it. Thank you for making it.
I’m so sorry that this happened to you and it’s NOT your fault in any way. It’s his. You were being clear and upfront with all the information you had at the time and he chose not to listen. That’s on him, and he could have made different choices that involved respecting you and taking the initiative to learn more about asexuality and what it means, and to ask you questions about what it means for YOU, with an open mind and heart. He chose to not to do those things and he probably would have still chosen to not do them even if you’d had more information and clarity. I’m glad you’re out of that situation now and I’m glad this video helped!
Holy shit, this is THE EXACT. SAME. SITTUATION. That I just went through with my ex!! To the T!!! I cant describe how this feels, it is kind of comforting and reassuring that Im not alone in the hell that was. All of that anguish and confusion wasn’t really lost to the wind. Thank you for sharing, and Im sorry that this happened to you as well. I wish you luck, peace and happiness on all of your journey’s!!
Thank you for sharing your experience. I'm not asexual, but my ex of 2 years was asexual. I never fully understood her, and I've struggled to make sense of our bedroom interactions near the final months, as she began listening to her own body, and discovering she was asexual. Your examples really resonated with me and help me understand it better. I'm pointing to the "i can sometimes make horny jokes" comment, as well as the distinction between sensual and sexual activities. Also, hearing about your ex navigate and hope that you were going to open up to sex was eye opening to see the opposite side. I can finally confidently say i understand. So thank you for posting.
I see you. I'm aro/ace and my boundaries were crossed by my best friend of many years. A normal person would have stopped at the first "no" and never tried again. It has nothing to do with your identity or where you were in the discovery process. I'm so sorry. I also wrestled with shame and guilt so much after it happened. It still haunts me. However I keep reminding myself of the truth everyday so I also wanted to remind you of the truth. I hope you can be proud of yourself.
i think I'm probably grey-a and "a lot of aces are attracted to situations, circumstances and ideas rather than to people" and "when it comes to kink scenes it's not the person they find sexy it's the act, the situation, and/or the feeling and **that might be the only way that aces enjoy sex**" sums it up very clearly - thanks for that. I can also be romantically attracted to people I engage in kink with, but this still applies to sexual attraction for me.
Update: I basically spent half this video stimming and going "oh my god someone else *said it* i thought i was *insane* " thank you very much for this, I need about 4 billion people to watch this and take notes
Sex-averse Ace here. For me, I'm totally positive joking about and talking about sexual topics with friends and family. Although, as soon as that topic turns towards me having sex with someone, even potential partners, it's a no-go for me. That being said, I'm someone who has heavy sensual attraction sprinkled with romance and aesthetic attraction. I'm in love with the feeling of feeling, and would absolutely enjoy cuddling, kissing, message, pretty much touch everywhere except the reproductive organs, which lends itself to territory of sexual attraction (for me). Of the three decades I've been alive as an androgynous woman, I've never been sexually attracted to anyone, but know for a fact that I'm hetero because all my sensual fantasies are with guys, but it always turns back to the feeling itself. For the longest time, it was so confusing because I never felt the need to go to that "third place/ home run" everyone was talking about growing up. Could never understand it, still don't understand it, and I'm way more happier now than prior, when a lot of this terminology didn't exist when I was growing up in the 2000's. Even in the 2010's during my college years, it was still flaky. Now I'm trying to reprogram myself to date for the first time in my life and seeing myself as NOT being a burden, NOT owing it to an allo partner, and that I DESERVE a loving relationship and that I'm not wasting a potential partner's time dating me. Better late than never!
It seems like we’re about the same age and I totally relate to all of that! Especially when you date men, there’s so much pressure to live up to what society teaches us they want. I’m so glad you figured (and are figuring) it out!
huh, that's really interesting, im bi (used to ID as pan but found bi easier to explain to most people), allo and nonbinary (which might factor in might not, still unsure of that) and it never occurred to me that sensuality could be gendered, like logically I know romantic attraction is gendered for people, although ive only ever really been able to properly wrap my head around why people care about gender in regards to sex, like i understand why the physical differences and gender presentation would matter to people there but otherwise i just cant imagine it, i guess the colourblindness metaphor would also work here, thanks for making me realise a bit more about how people experience different types of attraction in relation to gender, it's really interesting to me
Literally cried reading these comments, it’s so validating as a fellow asexual to hear that other people feel similar things that i do, i’ve struggled with accepting and embracing my asexuality (especially as an aegosexual) so it’s comforting to know i’m not alone and not some “fake ace” as i used to think i was. I used to have so much doubt and denial about my identity and it feels so good to read 20+ people say they feel and think similar things, i love that i’m not alone. In recent years i have become more accepting of myself but this video and the comments are just the cherry on top for my self-discovery journey. Thank you so much for making this video, i appreciate it greatly.
I never had a big crisis on my identity but I definitely doubted that I'm ace for a very long time because I really enjoyed love/romance stories as well as fictional sexual content, so I relate to the whole "fake ace" thing. It's really good to know that we aren't alone in this sort of thing
24:29 "Sex is in our heads." YES. *YES!* You perfectly described what I've struggled with for so long, especially long before I discovered I'm asexual. Like, sex as a concept can be pretty hot I guess. I used to have many fantasies as a teen, then once I actually had sex at going on 20 did those fantasies about all ended. Thinking back, the fantasies I used to have didn't even really focus on _sex,_ just-- sexual situations? And they didn't really involve me even when they did, just more from a 3rd person perspective observing what I imagined sex felt like. So cue actually having sex, and my realization that it was none of what I imagined it to be. Now at this point we're 10 years into the "straight" relationship, with many ups and downs that thankfully smoothed out once I discovered asexuality applies to me a few years ago (and I solved my physical ailments). My acceptance of myself and my feelings/lack there of helped us tremendously come to understand what works for us and what doesn't. I'm not broken, just have a few unconventional needs is all. Typically I hardly ever wanted to do it, while he just about always wanted to. We both curbed expectations to come to a middle ground. Anyway, I need an environment without distractions because I'm plagued by intrusive thoughts. So, during the act I try my best to avoid thinking about family or work or what have you because then the sensations suddenly feel violating. So, I try to focus purely on how I feel, what I fantasize myself to look like, and what I imagine I'm making him feel. Takes a lot of concentration. Sexual attraction is not a factor, and I'm still confused by what that must feel like. It's like being born color blind trying to imagine the color red, the best you can do is use the same words other people use to describe red, haha
This feels so relatable. I had many fantasies which stopped after I first had sex at a similar age to u. But idk if that's just because it triggered my trauma or not, but it's been over a year and I haven't had any sexual attraction or fantasise. I know some ace people are opposed to the idea that people can become Acesexual but I genuinely think I might have and it's kinda healing to think of it that way. Whether it goes away or not, it's nice to know that there's a group of people who feel the same way that I can relate to
That last paragraph puts to words my own experience so well! It's so easy for my mind to wander (especially since it feels a bit like a chore and I often space out doing monotonous tasks) but then when everyday life makes it into your thoughts in a moment like that, it feels wrong which can take me even more out of the moment.
@@mibbles2371 For me, I misunderstood my desire to fit in, and later on mistook my arousal as sexual attraction. (Basically didn't know I was seeing a "dull orange" all my life when everyone else saw and described "red.") When I was 11 one day I just decided to have a crush because characters and family & friends I admire have crushes or love lives. So I picked the friend I loved hanging out with the most and started pretending to have a crush on him. Until one day my crush turned real, but looking back that may be better described as an intense "squish," platonic crush. With him, at most my fantasies were just sensual, never sexual. In middle school, a group of girls were going around asking if Johnny Depp is hot, and when they asked me I just panicked and gave a confused "Sure." 😂 And many other examples that just made me feel out of place compared to everyone else, haha
This kinda makes me feel strange for being not only asexual, but also painfully vanilla. I'm sex favorable and have tried some kink with partners in the past, but I always felt ridiculous the whole time. It was all very awkward and silly for something that is always treated so seriously. Personally, I think more people should embrace and celebrate how silly and ridiculous sex can be. Nothing is more intimate than sharing a laugh with someone you love, completely without pretense or defensiveness. The ill-timed fart might not be sexy, but the uncontrolled giggling that follows definitely is.
I love this so much and thank you for this perspective! I totally agree, some of the best sex I've ever had was silly and playful and just a good time with lots of laughs. Totally agree :)
If you're comfortable with discussing it, may I ask what drives someone to have sex if they themselves have zero desire for it? "I do it because my partner likes it" feels like super icky/unhealthy reasoning to me, but tbf it's because I dated someone with sexual trauma in the past who said this to me. In his case, it was very much that he felt like I wouldn't like him or stay with him if he didn't do it, which is obviously a terrible dynamic for a relationship. So I guess I'm wondering how an asexual person having sex simply to please an allosexual partner (if that happens to be their individual reason for doing so) differs from someone doing it because they feel they "have to". Admittedly, my own views on sex are unhealthy- I often see sexual acts as things that are inflicted upon people; requirements for having a romantic partner. So please don't interpret what I'm saying as an insinuation that ace folks can't advocate for themselves!
@@himesilvaHi, I sort of explain it to my partner and others as something that’s sort of done as an act of service or care for that person. Basically out of love. But that’s just one asexual’s view on it, im sure there are others who view it differently. I guess the enjoyment on our end comes from things other than sexual gratification for us…
I think the concept of Enthusiastic Consent is really important for a lot of straight, allosexual women, because I personally know of lot of young (christian) women who didnt know that was a thing. Some of them dont even know sex can be fun, its just something you have to endure in your marriage if you want children or if your husband asks for it. I had a friend who learned about enthusiastic consent and it completely changed her marriage, because now she only has sex when shes in the mood and they started doing stuff that actually benefits her and her pleasure, instead of just saying yes to sex to make her husband happy and then laying there like a starfish. I understand what you mean by it not really benefitting an asexual lifestyle, but for other people it can really make a difference.
Oh, it's a totally great concept! The issue comes in when people say that any sex which takes place without enthusiastic consent is 🍇. It's not only a problem for asexuals because we might be as enthusiastic about sex as about say, dusting, but it's also a problem in discussions of sex workers. It's wildly inaccurate to their experience to say they are 🍇ed by their clients when there is a clearly negotiated agreement beforehand and the client adheres to it and compensates them appropriately afterwards. Framing it in that way inhibits their ability to advocate for themselves in those times when clients do violate their boundaries, by erasing the distinction between those situations and their normal routine. It's much better to say that the requirements for consent are that it be sober, written or verbal, and given outside of a power dynamic. That last thing is what the term "enthusiastic" was supposed to be getting at by the people who invented it, it's just that that word implies things which aren't necessarily realistic in every scenario.
@sophiejones3554 I completely agree. I had a friend literally accuse my of being pro assault because I said I sometimes consent to sex when I'm not in the mood (a decision I made for my own well being, & free from any coercion). Which is really messed up, because the difference between me choosing to do something I don't desire, vs actually having my autonomy violated aren't even close to being related.
It's definitely very important and has its place. Especially with the example you gave. I do have to say ace people tend to have a very different experience and that is why Enthusiastic Consent is a great umbrella term for teaching safety and equality while also leaving room for nuance
It's so important as it can be easier for someone to begrudgingly agree to something because someone is seen as having influence or power over them. There are a lot of reasons why someone could agree to something they don't actually want to do. I'm so glad that there are more Christians debunking and going against "complementarianism," and the stereotypes of gender roles and masculinity. But I'm also so glad that this idea is being talked about within asexual circles, because I'm not overly enthusiastic about a lot of things, but I still can want to do them and have a desire for it, even if it's not something I'm overly excited about or need.
Answer to the question asked at 3:27 (obviously a NSFW answer). I'm a sex repulsed aroace and although I haven't tried any, I definitely have kinks. Most of them are fairly common like bondage and masochism (specifically cbt), but I do have a CNC kink (sometimes known as 'rape play') which surprises me given that I've been raped because of my asexuality and that being the reason as to why I'm sex repulsed. Over the years I have bought a few toys that cater to some of them but I don't feel entirely satisfied or that there's something that is still missing. And yes, I do feel like nobody knows we exist other than others like me. "Kink scenes can be aesthetically pleasing". Thank you, that has just clicked in my head. I always wondered why I occasionally watch porn because it sure as hell wasn't for anything sexual. It's just entertainment to me nothing adult about it, like watching a sport event or a movie.
Thank you for sharing! I’m glad it helped, understanding that things are sometimes just aesthetically pleasing and that’s all you need was also super helpful for me!
Hi I know someone who also has a CNC kink and also has experienced SA (they aren't asexual, but I am). And explains to me that it feels "cathartic" in a sort of way, everything is planned and isn't actually dangerous. Give them some power back mentally about how they own their own body.
Maybe a trigger warning rather than just a NSFW warning would result in this comment being less harmful.💜 I read it expecting only NSFW, not something that would panic me.
@@chey7691this just clicked something in my brain. I didn't even know it had a name that kink. Same situation and all. I thought I was just sick in the head 😅. I'm so relieved right now.
Survivor here. I've been told that sometimes people who've been SA'd take back control by either becoming nonsexual or overly sexual to varying degrees that otherwise seem "extreme". I would say the same about sensuality as well. Perhaps CNC is a way for you to maintain your internal power as you are choosing this, vs it being taken. As long as you dig it, I wish you peace, enjoyment, control, and all the best in your exploration and journey. ♡
omg I *have* to comment, because I've genuinely never had anyone describe my sexuality and its relationship with kink before in such a specific and (for lack of a better word) correct way. Specially the section about sex being in our heads and having fantasies that are really arousing but would be an immediate turn off if they actually happened, wow, you really hit the nail on the head with that one.
I've doubted off and on whether or not I'm really asexual due to a lot of the things discussed in this video: the academic interest in kink, sexual fiction and situations, the line between sexual and sensual attraction, aesthetics, etc etc. I used to describe my interest in sex as "liking everything up until the actual sex." I felt like I could never fully call myself ace, if I still liked the sensations, entertainment, and intimacy of flirtation and foreplay. Honestly, with ever topic you covered it was like you were nipping the ever-doubling doubts in the bud one after another. It's such a relief to hear my own experiences mirrored and explained like this. Thank you!
Me too! This is the video that made me go "yup! I'm definitely asexual". This is exactly me, I am very interested in thinking about sex and talking about it, not that interested in actually doing the sex. I love fantasizing about it, different scenarios are a lot more interesting than the actual sex. Those scenarios usually don't involve me, it's more of a 3rd person perspective. I have a libido and get turned on by erotica and p0rn, and I masturbate, but I don't really understand the point of bringing an actual other person into it. I've had sex and it feels weird, like there are too many people in the room. It also feels confusing. What exactly am I actually doing here? I would just act out what I've seen in p0rn, feeling none of it. Also, other people have never been able to get me off as well as I can do it myself. So why bother with another person. I don't understand why people are so obsessed with bringing other people into it. I am also kinky. What I like about kink is that it provides the scenarios, context, and structure that make sex make sense to me. (I am also autistic, so I thought that's what the structure thing was). The kinky desires and my submissive nature are things I actually feel to the core, I don't have to fake anything.
Watching this, I feel like I can finally comfortably call myself asexual, possibly even aroace. I always kinda figured I never found a partner because of my general anxiety, but I think I might have been getting the cause and effect backwards. Friends would joke about setting me up with (genuinely nice) guys, and the whole concept was just so…off putting. Like, part of me would like to have a partner, but I don’t necessarily want a ROMANTIC partner. Can’t I just have a really good buddy to help pay the rent and take care of the home and not someday leave me in a lurch?? XD Anyway, I did wonder about my ace identity because I WOULD have fantasies and did read fanfic lemons when I was younger, but thinking back I was never the star of those fantasies, it was always anonymous strangers or fictional characters and I was just an observer. The “Sex in our Heads” helped me a lot, because that’s how I feel - I don’t WANT the actual real life act itself, I just enjoy the concept and build up to it more than anything else. So yeah.
THIS VIDEO IS SO GOOD OMGGGG im asexual (specifically aegosexual) and i love love loveeee reading fics! fluff, smut, yadayada, espppp when its romance. its awlays so funny to me when my friends assume thta i must be "innocent" or not understand a sexual joke when i read smut on a regular basis lol
hehe same, fics are my jam, especially gay fics. honestly the weirder and kinkier the better for me, my adhd has decided that kink is my hyperfixation so yaaaay :)
Yooo, my fellow aegosexuals!! Fic is the besttt. My friends always assumed I wouldn't get dirty jokes too, but I literally have favourite smut authors on ao3
I used to frequent kink clubs before the pandemic and what i saw when I worked there was that being it such an environment allowed peope to be on a pretty equal level. (Experience aside) We would often have noobies attend a consent class before they could play. We broke down how and what consent is, how to ask it from others and how to apply it to yourself. I found it quite shocking how many people never considered how much control they have in a given situation and many people opened up to the idea of being in control a scene. How it relates is showing people to broaden their definition of intimacy beyond sex. There is sensation, depravation,(depravity) power dynamics, role(and rope)play and much more. But having those other options for a physical relationship that doesnt involve rubbing bits together i think are what appeal to many ace/aro people. (Many of my best scenes involved at least one party full clothed for the whole time.) Lastly I also have seen how touch-starved some people are. A big thing we used to do were cuddle parties in which peole often went for physical connection without the need for intimacy. It often felt like slumber parties were everyone stays up all night in giant piles of blankets and pillows and we tell stories. And I myself would go just to practice saying no to others. I like the company of others but i also like having the ability to consent to the level of physical contact without feeling pressured into actually participating.
I felt so deeply and tremendously seen by this video and what is said therein! I didn't figure out I was asexual until after my first relationship, in which I was never able to keep myself physically aroused for sex despite my great desire to please my partner. I didn't even understand that you could be ace and kinky until I found out an nsfw artist I followed was ace, and messaged them to talk about it out of curiosity. I think the thing that really sounded like you were reading my mind was saying that we have sex 'in our heads'. Before I figured out I was ace, I very literally used to say I was "very in my head" when it came to sex, and I thought that sometimes I just had a disconnect when trying to push that arousal from my mind to my body. I used that phrase for at least a couple years of my adult life, so for you to use almost those exact words was such a call-out XD I'm personally an ace dom, and the the things you said about BDSM-related kink are also very true, as well! While sometimes I do feel sexually aroused by those dynamics, it never translates to ever desiring sexual things. What I do find, though, is even outside of those more horny situations, I find a lot of comfort and personal nonsexual pleasure in having those dynamics. Having subs call me by certain titles or such, casually or lovingly referring to them by their titles, talking down to them, etc is all quite a nice thing. And with those that reciprocate that level of comfort in those dynamics, there's a deep and trusting bond that forms in the shared understanding of our roles. Aside from possible other things (I've been recently exploring the likelihood of my own undiagnosed neurodivergence), this is probably why losing some of those dom/sub role relationships in past was so traumatic and felt so deep a betrayal. I think allosexuals (at least on average) put so much value in actual sexual contexts that intimate contact and dynamics of other kinds fall by the wayside. It's hard for them to understand. For instance, I also tend to find intimate contact (hugs, snuggling, etc) with close friends totally normal, but any time I mention the idea of cuddling a friend of mine, people seem to be surprised that I would do that. Relationships and the comfort therein can be so much more dynamic and interesting than I feel allosexual/alloromantic society teaches people to believe, and I think that is truly a great loss for so many people.
I completely agree, especially with that last paragraph. There are a lot of things that allosexual people find sexual that I just don't (like butts! I don't get it), so I get weird looks too when I want to do things platonically but it's not platonic for the other person. I'm so glad my video made you feel seen! I love how you said that you have trouble pushing the arousal from your head to your body--that's SUCH a good way of putting it
Almost 100% of what you said in the last two paragraphs fits my experiences. I find it so odd that allosexuals don’t understand the difference between sensual and sexual contact. I’ve had so many a-spec friends in the past that had absolutely no problems cuddling because it felt nice, was comfortable, and felt safe. I tried explaining that to my cishet allo father and (quietly) cishet ace mother, who both tried explaining to me that “society typically sees that as sexual…” etc., to which I was a little dumbfounded that a couple that’s been together for over 30 years didn’t understand that intimacy between close friends can be shown in different ways.
... Huh, this video made me realise that me liking D/s dynamics since as long as I have been curious about anything sexual, actually is very much in line with me being ace. I like situations and energies. Anticipation rather than gratification. Visuality over desire to act.
Aroace here, huge huge thank you for making this video. I think I actually cried a bit at the "sex is in our heads" part, because frankly I felt like I was alone with that experience. I've once attempted to explain to a friend that my relationship with sex and kink is a bit complicated, because there's a huge gap between theory and practice for me (aegosexualiy letsgo). Many things are great as fantasies (or fun to read about in fanfic) but actually engaging in them would make me feel extremely uncomfortable (to be fair, gender dysphoria is definitely also at play here, but I digress). The very few things I would actually attempt in real life would only ever be for the sensual, never the sexual aspect. I truly didn't expect the things you talked about to resonate with me so much or to make me feel as seen and understood. Part of me healed just now, very valuable content
Omg, yes, the 'gender dysphoria'!! I'm a trans masc and I, have been identifying myself as acearo since around 2018 (?). When I first found out about kinks and got interested in it in educational way, I did question about my sexuality, wondering if I was actually ace or I just couldn't imagine myself now, as a pre-everything trans person, to be in any relationships that I can be comfortable with. This vid finally helps me understand more about my identify and reaffirms that, yes, I'm still ace as hell XD
I related to this video very hard as a trans person. I wouldn't call myself ace because I am attracted to specific people, even occasionally situations that involve me - but I've had long stretches of time where my dysphoria made my effectively aegosexual. I sustained myself mainly on fantasies about a kink most people don't even consider sexual (and I wouldn't really want for real) because I just couldn't engage with my own body in a straightforward way. Even now that I'm a bit more comfortable with my body, I still don't see attraction as mandatory especially in a kink context, so I relate to a lot of what's described here
I've known i was asexual for a while now but started questioning my identity again because of my interest in kink and physical intimacy (which i interpreted as an interest in sex). Turns out it makes me all the more asexual lol The nuances between sensual and sexual, imagined and real, situations and people, etcetera make so much sense to me. Probably had like five asexual awakenings during the span of this video. Thank you for making me see connections where i saw contradictions!
I blame the lack of knowledge and representation for this honestly. I also felt that way until I remembered asexual means "not experiencing sexual attraction" and not "sexless". I'd even say being ace makes sexual topics feel less taboo and embarrassing for me than for most people since they aren't entangled with much feelings.
Holy crap. I avoided this video because I am just starting to explore my asexuality as a 46-year-old man, and I have always interpreted “kink” as experimental and extremely sexual. I have no problem about anyone who is into that, but as someone who is sex averse, I just didn’t think it had anything to do with me. What a massive relief to learn more about it. Thank you!
Hi hello! Just stumbled on this video, very fun!! I'm a sex neutral-averse aroace; ive never been FULLY sure how to define it bc I am very fine with fully imaginary sex (and I'm friends with ace ppl who get squicked by even passive sex mentions) but am EXTREMELY repulsed by the idea of real sex happening to me in my body. Most of my exposure to kink is for that reason very much in the brainspace, where my thoughts can be entirely disconnected from myself. The more distanced a concept is from reality, the more likely it is to turn me on, whereas stuff that's more grounded in reality can be anywhere from interesting to me as part of a story to making me full-body cringe. It all depends! I think my experience with sex def lines up with the "in the head" thing. If it's not a real thing that could feasibly happen, great! If it checks the boxes of -real people -realistic scenario -physically possible -I am asked to involve myself in the imaginary situation, it is not for me!
I've been on a journey to realizing my asexuality this past year, and dear God, I am so attacked by every point in this video. 😂 I can’t believe this exists. It summarizes everything I've experienced since I started forcing myself to be sexually active 10 years ago. I didn’t know these thoughts/feelings were a shared experience? Truly identity-shattering stuff here. Thank you.
"A lot of aces are attracted to situations, circumstances and ideas rather than to people." This. This very much summarizes how I feel. The things that get me aroused, in my head at least, have absolutely nothing to do with the act of sex or the concrete person(s) engaged in it, and the only reason it may be followed up by a solitary sexual act is because free dopamine from the physical stimulation is still free dopamine.
I'm a sex-repulsed asexual who is in to kink intellectually. I'm really into fanfiction and BL and have been since I was in middle school. Personally, I really enjoy reading fics with kink scenes because of the trust and emotional intimacy they have. Characters are always the most important part of a story to me, so I'm a huge fan of writers who can capture a really intense and emotional relationship. I really enjoyed the video, and I learned a lot about the kink community. Thank you!
I really vibed with your opinion on "enthusiastic" consent being a somewhat problematic term for some ace ppl such as myself where it's more like a "yeah sure" sort of situation most of the time.
Same! After I broke up with my first (and only, thank goodness) long-term romantic/sexual partner, I came across a post on tumblr with different GIFs from the US TV show The Office displaying what “enthusiastic” versus “unenthusiastic” would look like. I felt so seen. I realized that in almost every single sexual situation, I wasn’t feeling enthusiastic about anything. Informed? Most of the time, but certainly not enthusiastic. Seeing other ace folks label the term “enthusiastic consent” as problematic for our experiences with sex is so nice.
Someone tried to tell me once that since I was mostly having sex to please someone else, and I'm not actually getting anything sexual out of it, that it was depressing lmao. Nothing I said could get through to them. The thought that sex could be like... watching a movie I didn't care for because my partner wanted to see it, and that isn't upsetting to me, just does not compute with a lot of allo ppl
I'm ace and this is the first time I learned about the difference between sensual and sexual, it's EXACTLY how I feel about kink! Edit: OMG the whole "being interested in kink from an intellectual standpoint" is exactly how I got into it!! I was confused how people could find BDSM sexual in any way so I did research about it and found it interesting
Same here! I always kinda struggled to differentiate sexual and sensual or romantic and sensual Because most people mix all 3 together. I also got into kink from an intellectual standpoint of why do people like this?
The relationship between kink, sex(ual contact) and neurodivergence/sensory play reminds me of something my mum told me. She works with children, and she said that there is an autistic child who likes to take his clothes off. One of the other workers implied that it must be that he's being abused at home-- I was like err, no ? Maybe he just hates the feeling of his clothes???!? I'm not sure why some people equate sensory seeking/regulation with sensuality and it's a shame that this is projected onto children :/
I'm aroace (or at least somewhere on the spectrum), and I've been thinking recently about getting into dating, since I crave physical affection and would like to have a life partner, but I've been super intimidated about getting started, partly due to the amatonormative idea that relationships and intimacy must include sex. I was worried about the people I date feeling that way, and honestly I realize now that I still have some internalized amatonormativity to work through. This video gives me a lot of hope, though, and I feel a lot less alone in my journey, and plus I now know that kink sounds like a great option for me to look into lol, so thanks for making this!
You really came after me with this one... the fanfic really got me. I read them religiously throughout my adolescence and teen years, and I could point you toward fanfics that are better writing than any piece of fiction. I have definitley correlated that neurodivergent people gravitate toward it but I have never even thought that its mostly ace people who write and enjoy it. Mind blowing.
How dare you call out my physically impossible imaginary trauma healing kink!! (Jk I actually feel so seen for the first time in my life??? 😭) Literally thank you for this video
I never comment but this totally changed my perspective on my asexuality. The sensual attraction is something I’ve experienced before with my gf and it’s always confused me so much. To hear someone say that sex doesn’t have to come after means so much today. Thank you so much for putting this content out here. ❤️❤️❤️
I grew up conservative and accidentally sexualized all of my kinks! That was the only reason masc people were offered for being kinky. I'm still working on desexualizing all the things I enjoy just for their aesthetic, sensual, or emotional content. It's been way more fun treating kink play like improv or theater than s e x.
As a sex-averse asexual, I have some thoughts about the enthusiastic consent debate: I actually made the experience that I pressured myself to endure sexual touch in the past because I thought I was supposed to do this. I tried to talk myself into not defending my boundaries with thoughts like "Oh, it's not such a fun activity but it's fine" or "I'm doing this person a favour" even though I felt really really bad during those actions. I'm not saying that this is the experience for all asexuals and that asexuals giving their consent in a non-enthusiastic way is less valid or consensual. I just want to raise awareness that if you practice consent in a way that includes non-enthusiastic consent as well, you need to be really careful that nobody's boundaries are ignored or violated, especially if there's imbalance of power or low feelings of self-worth involved.
This is a really good point and thank you for bringing it up! I agree, power imbalances are very important to pay attention to when it comes to consent (and everything else, tbh!)
wasn't ready to find out/confirm that I'm asexual by randomly clicking on a video 😳. "attracted to situations/concepts rather than people" explains so much of my experiences; thanks for a very informative and thoughtful discussion
I'm ace and into kink, and clicked on this video because I haven't seen anyone talk about the relationship between those topics, and oh my god am I glad I watched it. you validated a lot of things I've experienced, and managed to put into words so many things I wasn't able to. I think this video alone is helping take a big step in my journey of understanding myself and how I work, thank you SO MUCH
this is crazy because I’ve just read a Tumblr post about how hurt/comfort fics are kinky, and the reasoning behind it (vulnerability exposed to the partner) was something I(an ace) was thinking “Isn’t that common sense? Isn’t intimacy exactly that?” So this video showing up on my feed is topic-relevant
Hey! I wanted to say thank you for making this video. Slightly older aroace here who recently stumbled upon aego ("Hey.. I think I really like this here lgbtq+ spicy romance--") you hit the nail on the head in terms of a number of details including the intellectualizing of sex. I joke to myself that I basically had to "teach myself 'sex'" in terms of when allosexual people mean it, talk about it, etc. I think as a slightly older person on aspec, I've had the tendency to stay at arms' length from all things that MIGHT be interpreted as sexual for fear of 'giving people the wrong impression'. Your video gives space to process these ideas (sensuality, power dynamics, navigating the increments of consent) without feeling like doing so is somehow "doing aroace wrong."
This video made me understand myself so much better as someone who recently realised they are ace, also given the fact that I am still in denial of it, which is a really weird space to be in when you're aware of the fact. I feel like this video is solidfying my reality and helping me break free of that denial. I also found the link between asexuality and fanfic very interesting as I have written a lot myself, which I also attribute to being neurodiverse. Thank you for this video. I think it’s helping me to be more secure in my asexuality. Mostly because I am now understanding that my desires are actually sensual and not sexual, and that those two things, although they can coexist, don’t actually have to. The concept of kink has always interested me, but never more so than now, now that I actually know what it really is.
I’m glad it helped you understand yourself better! It’s okay to be in denial, I totally get that feeling of cognitive dissonance. I was too for a long time, I felt like I wasn’t queer “enough” so I didn’t count. It was a weird headspace to be in and it took me years to shake it. I think it’s pretty common for aspec people though, because it’s hard to know if/when you’re feeling a LACK of attraction
Hello, fellow neurodivergent asexual writer of fanfiction here to tell you that you are not alone. Some (not all) of my fics get very graphic in the sexual area. The joy and entertainment that i bring to others with my works gives me heaps of serotonin.
I might be somewhere on the ace spectrum, questioning, still figuring stuff out but not super urgently, and have developed an interest in kink and the surrounding culture over the last years. The dynamics in sex are interesting to me, but the actual act of it, if it involves me directly, was always 'too much of a hassle' to continuously want to pursue it. Playing stuff out in my mind is easier, and a lot more gratifying because it doesn't need for me to get over hangups involving my body and mental barriers i've built up over my life with a real life partner to enjoy sex at all. Reading and writing erotic fan fiction has alwaye been my 'creative outlet' of choice here.
this video called me out in the best type of way, where a lot of things i considered undefinable about my demisexuality actually have communicable ways to make space for sex and intimacy
I'm glad you made this video. I found it very informative and I appreciate it. As a queer allosexual kinkster I still try to keep informed about lgbtqia+ topics and aspec is a part of that. I also feel like I've learned a lot of helpful relationship advice from aspec discourse and it has helped me greatly as a survivor of abuse with further defining my boundaries and properly articulating them.
24:30 THIS WHOLE SECTION?? HOLY SHIT??? You just blew my mind, like, five times in a row??? I now understand myself so much better but also I now have so much more questions
I'm a mostly sex averse aroace, and I'm very kinky... in my head. I really relate to the "sex is in our heads" segment, I have a mixture of possible and impossible kinks that I would not want to happen to me IRL. I'm not attracted to anyone sexually, but I am attracted to these situations sexually. Anything I'd want to happen IRL is removed from sex and I'd want it to be sensual and platonic. I've been questioning my asexuality lately because of my kinks, so it's refreshing to see this talked about.
i came out as ace 2 years ago but never really considered the label beyond “i don’t want to have sex.” i’ve had this video saved for way too long and put off watching it bc i was scared that what i felt wouldn’t be valid. but this video was really insightful and lots of stuff you said resonated with me! you said a lot of poignant things that really makes me think, evaluate, and discover myself more thanks for making this video. i’ll definitely be rewatching and analyzing my own thoughts later!
thank you for making this video! I´m coming to term with my asexuality in the last few months. I thought of me beeing ace for way longer tho but because I enjoy kink in alot of ways I thouth that I can´t be ace because most people think of kink in a very sexual way. I knew that the ace spectrum is very broad but I have problems with giving myselfe the freedom that I give others (this also applies to my gender and sexual identity). So this video helps me a lot to be more confident about my asexuality!
As an allosexual the distinction between sensual and sexual was great. I think another good example for people like me could be massage; it can be sexy, but it can also just plain feel good (and/or be therapeutic).
That is a GREAT example!! Massage has never been sexual to me, even if people were to touch me in sexual places while massaging me. It’s always just relaxing and feels good and I’ve always preferred massage and light sensual touch to anything sexual
When you said that sex for a lot of ace people happens in our heads, something totally clicked for me! I think about sex and have a libido, along with pretty elaborate (and sometimes impossible!) fantasies, but the second anyone mentions actually doing anything, I get freaked out. I have been attracted to fictional characters and celebrities, but the moment I have a conversation with a person, all potential attraction is gone. The idea of sex is appealing, but the thought of actually having it is scary and gross. I also find looking at genitals to be gross. I don't know if that makes me repulsed since I'm not repulsed by the idea of sex, but sex itself.
When you talked about how aces intellectualize sex and how that relates to fantasies and sex that exists only in our heads, I felt so seen. You perfectly articulated many of my experiences as an ace girlie. Thank you 🙏
i'm gonna write a more detailed comment when i finish watching, but this is exactly what i needed in my life right now! i wanna see more fellow ace/aroace folks talk about kink and how some of us enjoy it without it being a contradiction to our sexual identities.
I actually teared up during this. I always had a thought in the back of my head that I wasn't actually ace because I like fanfiction, have an interest in learning about kink and have a libido.... Your explanation of sex being in your head and an intellectual interest was so validating in a way I didn't know I needed. Thank you for sharing this
"Big Daddy Algo" just threw this at me. And I'm glad :) As a kink educator / running volunteer educational kink orgs and spaces, and personally on the ace spectrum myself, I LOVE the phrasing of authentic consent vs enthusiastic consent is something that I'm going to start using :)
I'm demi, not ace, but this really resonated so much with me! In particular that bit about how kink situations take away a lot of the guesswork and overthinking!
So many of my friends are on the ace spec and we all write really smutty fanfiction. I think I have a much better grasp on why I'm always the one (token allosexual hyper-bi in our all ace group) who writes the romantic, passionate abandon smut and fluff while they write all the kink and monster romance. Thank you so so much for helping me to understand my friends a little better so that I can support them and be a better friend just in general for the ace community.
I was beginning to question my entire existence and sexuality recently and then just got called out violently and repeatedly for 30 minutes straight and I feel like a person again, so thank you lmao
I'm asexual and this was mostly new information to me. Thank you for educating people on this topic and dismissing stereotypes. I related to some of the things you were saying, so this may be something for me to look into, even if only academically. I also happen to be autistic, and I'm glad to hear that there are many others in the community who are the same and think in a similar way to me.
Sex-adverse/repulsed Aroace here. You nailed the point that a lot of kink, especially at the beginning, is an academic exercise and even those I've found I enjoy (massage, multi-partner/contact, some types of bondage) are always about the imagined sensations. I don't want any of those physical sensations myself in a sexual setting/with a partner, but rather the imagined sensations involved with those actions. It's hard to explain, but fantasy plays such a big roll that it doesn't even have necessarily involve myself, an instead could be imagining what other actors are feeling in those situations.
Now that I think about it, the idea of _enthusiastic_ consent being necessary also invalidates sex work, which is another good reason not to use this phrasing.
@@himalayansalt32 because most of the time it's not. I dated an escort, and one of my long time friends was one. What they did with clients was consensual, but definitely not enthusiastic. It was a job.
I'm so glad for this video, I think about this often as an arro-ace that's on the fringe of the kink community(I'd be more involved if I had funds outside of survival). For me the kink community is as open and willing to learn about people's sexuality and wants that are not a part of the puritanical propaganda that a majority of society has internalized, at least in my opinion. Along with being open, I go when I can to see if anything sparks in me, but so far nothing irl has done so. I wish we could have more conversations about sex and kink without it getting weird with strait cis people, but it feels like it always ends with them getting weirded out that sex talk not leading to sex. Maybe it's just me, lol
Definitely not just you, I think a lot of aces feel the same way. I know for me, sex is almost always an intellectual topic, so I never feel weird talking about it with literally any and everyone. Straight, allosexual people do get weird about it though, I think because it turns them on?
@@meghansandor I think allo's, especially cis straight have had to deal with the weird dichotomy of being both shamed and flooded with "sexual" imagery. Which is weird in it's self because it seems almost anything outside of bodies having sex could be considered sexual. I also feel like not everyone has the same(ish) understanding of what sexual even means to themselves, just kind of agreeing with whomever has the most conviction in their voice, be it family, friends and/or media. That's how I see it at least.
hi, i'm aroace, and your discussion about play, imagination, and control really resonated with me; i never even considered how "enthusiastic consent" can invalidate the asexual experience, and i love that there's still so much to analyze and deconstruct and reconstruct about sex and how we talk about it. if i ever need to explain my aceness and how it relates to sex/kink, i will link this video. thank you
I think the difference between sexual touch and sensual touch is an important conversation for non-ace couples too. So much of this video is really universally applicable in so many ways.
dude like, i was raised mormon, figured out i was ace pretty young but was actively participating in blvn communities. There's like layers of repression, morals, gender, queerness, and curiosity that piled shame on me for years and led to me having some pretty extreme kinks as a young adult. the first time i found out that it was a thing to be ace and be into drawing nsfw was a ground breaking moment for me. i wasnt broken, there was others like me. As ive gotten older and gotten over my shame while also finding what stimulation works for me along with an artistic outlet, its wild how much my mental health has improved... i really hope this helps other young aces know they are not broken cause i could have really used this video 12 years ago.
Your story sounds remarkably similar to one of my best friends' and in part, I made this video for him! So I guess I made it for you too :) All this to say, I'm really glad you figured things out and I'm glad you're able to be yourself now!
asexual theater artist and musician here! this has been so eye opening, ive never felt so heard and understood than i have in the 30 mins i spent watching this video. a bit late to the party, but if you see this meghan youve just changed this girl’s life forever
This video is really validating for me, but from a different perspective. I am not asexual. In fact, I wish I could really tone down my sex drive (I can't, but I wish I could). Having said that, I eventually discovered an interest in BDSM, an interest that is entirely devoid of sexuality. Which was very confusing at first because the intensity of emotions I feel is very high, and normally such intensity is associated with sex. It took me time (and also research) to realize that this does happen, that it's normal and valid. Videos like yours talk to or about asexual people, but allosexual people can discover that a massive part of emotions and sensations can be as powerful and intense as sex, yet not be about sex at all. I wonder how many allosexual people experience kink like this. In general, a number of experiences in my life uncovered this completely platonic world of feelings and sensations that are so intense and satisfying and beautiful but not sexual. I am still getting used to it because with sex you know how to get closure. With these things, though, there is no clear closure. But do you need one? I don't know.
@@Nelia2705 And another thing that's happening to me is this asexual "horniness". In my case, I'm submissive, and I'll get days when I feel this intense need for it. And there's no closure. It fades with time, then comes back. I guess if I were in a d/s relationship, playing it out could help? But curious that the brain does it.
im a sex-neutral ace and i dont think ive ever felt more seen than while i was watching this. recently ive been feeling a lot of turmoil over my identity because i couldn't understand how i was interested in kink and such but i still am not attracted to people and this video grounded. its crazy how helpful it is to simply heat from someone in the same situation as you. also, that thing about enthusiastic consent has been floating in the back of my mind for so long...ive never brought it up to anyone because i was worried itd come off wrong like i was defending harmful actions. but i also just feel so dismissed by the "enthusiastic consent" concept
This is the first video on your channel I've watched, and omg it's good!! I'm currently still figuring out a lot of things about myself, but I'm thinking that I might be ace, sex-positive and kinky myself, and evereything you've said made so much sense for me!!! Especially thinking back how I felt during past relationships and talking with other people about kink, I noticed that I'm interested in it, but not necessarily in the same way as them! Thank you so much for this video, and keep up the good work!
Thank you so much for your kind words, and I’m so glad it helped clarify some things for you! I will keep making content like this, I’m so glad it’s helping people :)
This was such an eye opening video! As a person still figuring out their identity (I think I might be on the ace spectrum), so much of this video resonated with me! Especially when you talked about aesthetic attraction! I also thought the discussions on ‘enthusiastic consent’ and ‘sensual kink’ were so helpful to learn about and you defined and explained all of it so well! I never thought about the phrase ‘enthusiastic consent’ with this kind of context before and it’s definitely gonna help me reframe a few things in my head with my own experiences! Thank you so much for this video, it was such a fun and enlightening watch!💞💞💞
This actually seriously opened my eyes and confirmed a lot of things for me. Thank you for making this video! For the past couple of years I have questioned if I am Ace or whether it was just trauma. 25:07 hit it on the head for me. So outside issue but substance abuse is a part of my story. When I got sober at 21, I had not had at that point a healthy relationship largely due to myself with said substance abuse that I had going on at the time. At this point I had not had sex yet. I got into a relationship soon after and we had sex, and that’s when I began to see and learn that they wanted sex at every opportunity. At the time I figured this is what you’re supposed to do. As a guy, I felt at the time it’s my job to provide that. So it continued until one night where I was coerced to do it 4 times and then a fifth. I was exhausted at that point and without getting graphic, things just stopped working. Instead of understanding, I was met with yelling screaming crying, calling me every name in the book. Every time they tried to initiate that kind of contact after, my body just automatically shut down and the same treatment ensued. Over the years, I have tried to work through it, and now I’ve finally started therapy at 26 years old and began seriously questioning if I am ace. I don’t desire sex, I have only craved healthy touch and the romantic side of relationships. But I always felt “fake” because I partake in self pleasure as well. Kink being involved in this video was appreciated because I always saw the two as mutually exclusive but the way you explained it was perfect because of it’s all about exploration without exclusively sexual gratification. Thank you so much for making this video 🖤
I....... I genuinely have never been more seen. It's like you just shined a thermonuclear spotlight on my orientation with this vid, especially with the overintectualizing part. I'm horrifically ADHD, so not only do my thoughts constantly race, but they get heightened 10-fold when I have to mentally follow the sex checklist the entire time I do it, since it's not something that comes naturally to me. I think the worst part is that if it's vanilla sex I constantly have anxiety and second-guess myself since I have no idea if I'm doing anything right, or if my partner is happy. At least with kink I can relax and let stuff happen naturally since I'm pretty subby normally. Even if it's just play and nothing sexual. Also HOLY SHIT 24:53 IS LITERALLY ME.
I'm aroace and not into relationships or kink, this video was a helpful explanation for me. Especially splitting sensuality and sexuality helps things make more sense. I liked the idea about "not naturally knowing what to do next", and I relate to it. I'm not particularly driven to sensual or sexual contact outside of societal expectations, so concepts like being "touch starved" have been puzzling to me, but reframing them as sensual needs or kink helps me understand this better. Thanks.
So much of this was such a mood. Nice to hear someone else talk abt it and agree, rather than just me trying to science it all out for myself, lol. Some added thoughts on the "it happens in our heads" bit: At least for me, the less probable a fantasy is, the more fun it is. Because the fact that it probably can't happen irl makes it "safer" in a sense. I think it's the same reason I can simp for cartoon characters so easily but a celebrity crush is uncomfortable because just the fact that they're a real person makes it too realistic. Similarily, the stuff I read/write tends to err on the side of fantastical because my imagination often puts me in more of a 3rd person pov rather than as an actual participant, which is much easier when said participants are like, aliens or something. And even when consuming content for purely human characters, I still tend to avoid ones where a character has a body that looks like mine, because my brain will reject it as too realistic. I wonder if this notion of something being "safely outside of our reality" is something other ppl have thought about.
I love this video so much. As an ace, so much of your points are soo relatable, and its so great to hear that out loud and finally understand it on the next level, if that makes sense. Thank You so much!
I'm very much not asexual, but I completely understand what you mean by imagined, fantasy, and solo experiences that are completely detached from anything you'd want to physically do. They're both wonderful to me
24:00 THIS!!! 1000% this! Hello, sex-repulsed/averse ace here! I did not realize until watching this video that there was a difference between sex and kink because of course lots of media links the two. I have always enjoyed fantasizing with what you describe here as kink: you explain it perfectly in that I would imagine situations and events that are not actualized in person/real life. Because- even with fantasizing- I knew that the mere idea of anything (fingers, toys, genitalia) penetrating me made me recoil in disgust. Or me being in that physical situation would absolutely feel like something I would NEVER consent to. I have yet to find a partner interested in kink as a sensual only experience, but now I am very interested to learn more because I was always so torn. I liked fantasizing about kink, but didn’t know how to separate it from the sex. TLDR: Spitting straight (or, ace 😝) facts here! This video helped me so much in my own discovery journey. Enjoy your cake! 🍰
I am ace and i never thought about "kinky" stuff as a kink because i thought its only a sexuall thing, but i lately realised that thats not true. And it feels realy good too know another thing that makes me feel good now 😊
@@meghansandor absolutly, just some days ago one of my friends asked me "how can you be kinky and ace" thats when i realised the things i like are kinks and i needet to know more about it, thanks for this video
This video appeared on my home page with great timing. I just recently was thinking about kink and came to conclusion that unlike with sex, I would find enjoyment in that [at the very least through fantasising which doesn't apply to sex for me]. And I feel like this video made me deeper understand why that might be the case,,, you hit the nail on the head with a lot of stuff . It's just also nice to see that there's more of a common interconnection between asexuality and kink than one would think. A really great video! :] its also super nice to read through the comments here and see similar experiences!
I disagree on the "enthusiastic consent" part; It's not relevant where the 'enthusiasm' stems from. If it is informed and thought about with enough time, space and freedom, I'd _definitely_ call it "enthusiastic consent", even though your reason were more rational/"altruistic". Imo it just means "not persuaded or pressured into" (by others or themselves). Alternatively I suggest the use of the term "consensus". It would be the linguistically correct term, anyway!! (Though hardly anyone knows... :'/). (Consent = "I do not oppose"; "consesus" = "I agree", basically (very roughly put).)
regarding the "enthusiastic consent" point ... i've mostly ever heard it as "enthusiastic and ongoing consent" which in my opinion, the ongoing part is far more important. as you said, sometimes people consent to sexual interactions without it being enthusiastic, or sometimes your partner wants to introduce you to something new, or you want to try something you've never done before, so you'll go "okay, sure, we can try that" that is consent, but it is not necessarily enthusiastic. then it is more important that that consent is ongoing, checking "hey, does this feel good, do we like this, do we want to continue doing this?" and respecting when someone revokes consent and says "i tried that and i don't want to continue" and enthusiasm might be there in the initial moment, but it is, again in my opinion, more important that it stays. of course it'd be ideal if it was both, but if it's not ... then ongoing is "better"
Hey this is really excellent, I'm glad someone is shining more of a light on to the nuances of our experiences because somehow people just still don't get it. I myself am sex repulsed - aroace and intimacy repulsed, really, I'm just as nauseated by romantic overtures as I am physical contact - but staunchly sex positive*, and find sex and kink fascinating. The majority of my friend group is in fact many similarly repulsed individuals and nonetheless we spend a lot of time on the topic, incorporating it into our writing and art. I have a theory that when you've removed yourself completely from the equation in a real life context, it's easier to have an open mind conceptually to the wide and varied world of sex and kink, without projecting this "ew gross why would anyone like that" reflex that's normal for a lot of people. That's been my experience, anyway. * As other people have outlined here, a reminder: sex positive is an ideology, not an interpersonal positioning. It does not mean "positively interested in engaging with sex", it means "fostering a mindset where sex and pleasure are healthy pursuits rather than something taboo and restricted to The Creation Of The Family, and where consent is vital and taken seriously".
Thank you so much for this video, it helps a LOT. It's one thing to identify as ace, it's another to really understand what it means and the reflection that goes with it. You put the right words with all the fantasies and sex being in our head ! I was in a relationship with a girl for almost an entire year and didn't understand myself, being super kinky and fantasizing all day and night in my head, but pushing her away when she tried things. I had no idea how to communicate this, I felt stupid and weird, and in the end I freaked out and broke up with her all of a sudden. She deserved more, and thanks to wonderful people like you taking time to explain these things in videos, I think next time I can communicate better because I would have understood myself better ❤
literally made me cry thank you for making this video this made me feel so much more comfortable in my identity as aroace you just hit all the nails on the head
Omg this is actually a great explanation, Ive been trying to find a way to explain this as someone who is ace sex neutral leaning towards avoidant but kink sounds a lot more pleasing than actual sex (I’ve never done anything kinky but Im going based on what I know of it)
5:40 / 5:53 - hmm, interesting. Like, I at least partially get how you prefer "affirmative" over "enthusiastic", but I think I might also have a slightly different take on what enthusiasm looks like? Like, 6:13 sounds some level of enthusiastic to me. Sure, it's not the same level of enthusiasm, but... yeah, I dunno, just interesting. I'll reflect on this! (And I'm a hell yes to having more Ace voices chiming in on topics like this, so, yeah. Thank you for sharing your thoughts!)
I've always thought of my sexuality in three levels: 1: IRL, in situations that are both possible and plausible, I am fully aro/ace (sex neutral). 2: Realistic Fantasy, in situations that are theoretically possible but highly improbable (like meeting Mr/Ms Perfect), I acknowledge the possibility that I could run into someone I would be willing to be intimate with regardless of identity so demi-panromantic but still demisexual. 3: Pure Fantasy, in situations that are fully impossible, never going to happen, I think panromantic and bi- leaning homosexual and very kinky.
23:56 I’ve identified as aro for a pretty long while and I never would’ve thought I might’ve been on the ace spectrum until hearing that. Great video, the more ya know
"If you could only ever have sex with people you aren't attracted to you'd have to come up with some pretty elaborate fantasies and situations to make sex work for you." This helped me understand asexuality. Thank you for the useful explanation.
Thank YOU for your comment! I'm so glad it helped :)
Hearing that literally blew my mind, wow
OMG that hit so hard for me
this really resonated for me as well and is giving me a lot of food for thought, thank you!
Ikr!
Definitely hit the nail on the head with imagining kinks in your head rather than acting them.
Yup!
yeah
isn’t that called aegosexuality
@nova_soda27 No way. There's an actual definition to it? Thank you.
@@nova_soda27 aegon the conqueror
I’m a 64 year old ace. I didn’t discover this until 6 or 7 years ago. I have a kink that goes back to at least as early as age 10, maybe even 7. Because of my sex positivity including my kink, I figured I was “normal” and assumed I would really enjoy sex. But when I tried it, it was disappointing. At some point it was more of a chore than anything enjoyable.
Your comment that sex is in our heads is so right on! I love the idea or fantasy of sex, but the reality is messy, stressful, and requires me to be touched a lot, which I do not enjoy.
Fortunately, I happened into a relationship with a woman who is also on the spectrum and we’ve been happily married without sex for over 20 years.
It's great to hear from aces in older generations, knowing that you found happiness brings me hope :)
So happy for you guys! Hope there's many more years to come =]
Thank you for this comment. Thank you. I am in my 20s and just came out of my first failed relationship because of my aegosexuality (asexuality with interest in kink, just... not the reality or chore of it).
Hopelessness and doubt creeps in quite often about how I will always be doomed to upset anyone I'm in a relationship with: purely asexual people? Repulsed by me. Purely allosexual people? Led on by me and frustrated.
To hear that you are an older asexual who has found your own success story fills me with so much hope, and staves away so much of my self-hatred. I'm sorry for getting so personal here, but hearing that your reality is a real and POSSIBLE one is very moving to me.
I have hope, and I feel so much less alone. There are more like me than just me.
I hope you have a wonderful life. May your relationship be peaceful, long, and cherished.
You've expressed my feelings on sex quite well in saying it was disappointing, and a chore. For me, it has the added difficulty of being a sensory nightmare (autism plays a factor for me).
@@KidarWolf stressful, tedious, and messy. That’s exactly how I describe it. I think I might be on the autism spectrum as well, but I’ll never know for sure because it’s too expensive to find out.
I don't myself identify as asexual, but what I've heard other folks in the ace community say is that there's a difference between being sex positive and sex favorable. You can have healthy attitudes toward sex no matter how you feel about you, yourself, personally having sex. So an ace person can be sex averse or even sex repulsed but still sex positive. Only some aces are sex favorable, but all aces can be, and often are, sex positive.
100%, and thank you for that distinction! Now I'm wishing I would have put that in my video, it's super helpful and valuable. Thank you! :)
Very important distinction that I’ve never heard acknowledged by anyone else.
oh, yes, exactly! I'm ace and I consider myself sex repulsed, but I'm still sex positive!
I don't really got the point. How can you be both sex repulsed and sex positive? Are you at the same time? Or it changes over time?
@zdance536 you can believe that sex in general isn't inherently dirty/demeaning while at the same time you personally do not want to engage in it
My younger sister is asexual, and she writes fan fiction. I didn't know that there was a link between the two.
A lot of aces have big imaginations :) A lot of us are writers, or artists or both. There's also a lot of crossover between asexuality and neurodivergence, and neurodivergent brains are more likely to be engaged with creative tasks, because of the way our brains make connections between things that don't necessarily go together. It's a pretty fascinating rabbit hole when you get into it!
… I don’t really think there is tbh
perhaps the allo people are out having sex instead of writing fanfiction
I would say it's less a link and more a big overlap in the vendiagram of people who are ace, people who are neuro-divergent, and people who are neuro-typical who all like/write fanfiction.
I say this as a neuro-divergent ace who is sex-repulsed (though maybe I don't count, because I don't write spicy fanfiction).
omg I definitely wrote fanfictions when I was younger, though there was a distinct lack of interest in physical romance stories for me.
I wish I had this video back in time to my past self an an ex-"friend" of mine.
I met a guy a few years ago who became VERY into me very quickly. To temper his expectations a little, I explained to him that I was asexual. He didn't really understand, since he had a particularly rigid understanding of what I meant and basically just assumed I was repulsed by all sex.
Occasionally, if I made a horny joke or commented that I found a fictional character attractive, he would comment about how I was "not a very good asexual". I tried to give a deeper explanation to him about my asexuality, like how I could be attracted to certain kinks or situations without the actual sex part being the primary driver. Unfortunately, my understanding of my own desires at that time was rocky at best, and I didn't know where the core of my unusual attractions came from.
Fast forward after a few months of this back-and-forth, our relationship had progressed to the point where we were regularly engaging in a lot of sensual activities, like rubbing backs and getting goosebumps or just snuggling on the couch together. One night, while doing this with him, he decided to take things a step farther. I basically forced myself to go along with what he wanted largely thanks to what you mentioned before; my upbringing in a sex-centric world made me ill-prepared to handle not being that way. Maybe I did actually want this? Maybe I just hadn't met the right person until now? Maybe this is how everyone feels and I was just being dramatic?
When we were done, the answer to all of those questions was a resounding "no". I couldn't even look at him because I felt so sick to my stomach about what I had done. He had no idea what was going through my head, and actually assumed the opposite was true. A few days later, when we discussed what happened, he gleefully proclaimed, "I knew you weren't actually ace!"
It was then that I finally explained to him how uncomfortable I truly felt, and how I didn't say anything at the time due to my own nerves and confusion. He didn't take the news well; he cried and said that he wouldn't do it again.
I thought that this would be the end of him trying anything sexual with me, but that couldn't have been farther from the truth. The dynamic between us eventually continued as though nothing had changed. I explained to him that I was comfortable with our sensual activities from before, which we both still enjoyed. But after a couple months of us doing that, he would inevitably assume that I was ready to move onto the "next stage", as it were, and this time I would definitely enjoy it. He just couldn't wrap his head around the idea that I enjoyed sensual contact with him, but not sexual. I became better at rejecting his advances and never consented to doing anything sexual with him again, but he just kept trying. Over and over, he continued to insist that I wasn't actually ace and that I would feel better once I finally accepted the feelings for him I which was supposedly suppressing.
Eventually, his frustration and stubbornness finally boiled over. I was SA'd. It was only then that I finally decided to cut him out of my life.
I think back on this situation constantly, and I probably will for the rest of my life, wondering how many things I could have done differently. And I can't help but feel like this ugly situation could have been avoided if I had been better about searching out videos like this one. Both for helping me understand my own sexuality, and also getting better at explaining it to other people.
When you live in such a sex-focused world, it's hard not to believe that there's something wrong with you if you don't experience attraction the "right" way. But if nothing else, videos like this make it easier to accept this uncomfortable fact about myself. I'm not sure if I can ever feel pride in my asexuality, given how many times it has driven people away from me. But perhaps I can at least learn to make peace with it.
I'm not sure if I'll regret being so open about my situation in a stranger's UA-cam comment section, of all places. But hey, if nothing else, I'm boosting this in the algorithm so that more people can see it. Thank you for making it.
I’m so sorry that this happened to you and it’s NOT your fault in any way. It’s his. You were being clear and upfront with all the information you had at the time and he chose not to listen. That’s on him, and he could have made different choices that involved respecting you and taking the initiative to learn more about asexuality and what it means, and to ask you questions about what it means for YOU, with an open mind and heart. He chose to not to do those things and he probably would have still chosen to not do them even if you’d had more information and clarity. I’m glad you’re out of that situation now and I’m glad this video helped!
Holy shit, this is THE EXACT. SAME. SITTUATION. That I just went through with my ex!! To the T!!! I cant describe how this feels, it is kind of comforting and reassuring that Im not alone in the hell that was. All of that anguish and confusion wasn’t really lost to the wind. Thank you for sharing, and Im sorry that this happened to you as well. I wish you luck, peace and happiness on all of your journey’s!!
Thank you for being open about this. It was Very enlightening and useful for me.
Thank you for sharing your experience.
I'm not asexual, but my ex of 2 years was asexual. I never fully understood her, and I've struggled to make sense of our bedroom interactions near the final months, as she began listening to her own body, and discovering she was asexual. Your examples really resonated with me and help me understand it better.
I'm pointing to the "i can sometimes make horny jokes" comment, as well as the distinction between sensual and sexual activities. Also, hearing about your ex navigate and hope that you were going to open up to sex was eye opening to see the opposite side.
I can finally confidently say i understand. So thank you for posting.
I see you. I'm aro/ace and my boundaries were crossed by my best friend of many years. A normal person would have stopped at the first "no" and never tried again. It has nothing to do with your identity or where you were in the discovery process. I'm so sorry. I also wrestled with shame and guilt so much after it happened. It still haunts me. However I keep reminding myself of the truth everyday so I also wanted to remind you of the truth. I hope you can be proud of yourself.
i think I'm probably grey-a and "a lot of aces are attracted to situations, circumstances and ideas rather than to people" and "when it comes to kink scenes it's not the person they find sexy it's the act, the situation, and/or the feeling and **that might be the only way that aces enjoy sex**" sums it up very clearly - thanks for that. I can also be romantically attracted to people I engage in kink with, but this still applies to sexual attraction for me.
I'm grey a as well and this idea felt like just such clarity for something I've always known. makes me feel so much more confident in my identity.
Hello fellow greys. I recently came to understand my asexuality and yeah, this description is the best way I can describe how I feel.
Update: I basically spent half this video stimming and going "oh my god someone else *said it* i thought i was *insane* " thank you very much for this, I need about 4 billion people to watch this and take notes
Yes!!
Sex-averse Ace here. For me, I'm totally positive joking about and talking about sexual topics with friends and family. Although, as soon as that topic turns towards me having sex with someone, even potential partners, it's a no-go for me. That being said, I'm someone who has heavy sensual attraction sprinkled with romance and aesthetic attraction. I'm in love with the feeling of feeling, and would absolutely enjoy cuddling, kissing, message, pretty much touch everywhere except the reproductive organs, which lends itself to territory of sexual attraction (for me). Of the three decades I've been alive as an androgynous woman, I've never been sexually attracted to anyone, but know for a fact that I'm hetero because all my sensual fantasies are with guys, but it always turns back to the feeling itself. For the longest time, it was so confusing because I never felt the need to go to that "third place/ home run" everyone was talking about growing up. Could never understand it, still don't understand it, and I'm way more happier now than prior, when a lot of this terminology didn't exist when I was growing up in the 2000's. Even in the 2010's during my college years, it was still flaky. Now I'm trying to reprogram myself to date for the first time in my life and seeing myself as NOT being a burden, NOT owing it to an allo partner, and that I DESERVE a loving relationship and that I'm not wasting a potential partner's time dating me. Better late than never!
It seems like we’re about the same age and I totally relate to all of that! Especially when you date men, there’s so much pressure to live up to what society teaches us they want. I’m so glad you figured (and are figuring) it out!
huh, that's really interesting, im bi (used to ID as pan but found bi easier to explain to most people), allo and nonbinary (which might factor in might not, still unsure of that) and it never occurred to me that sensuality could be gendered, like logically I know romantic attraction is gendered for people, although ive only ever really been able to properly wrap my head around why people care about gender in regards to sex, like i understand why the physical differences and gender presentation would matter to people there but otherwise i just cant imagine it, i guess the colourblindness metaphor would also work here, thanks for making me realise a bit more about how people experience different types of attraction in relation to gender, it's really interesting to me
Literally cried reading these comments, it’s so validating as a fellow asexual to hear that other people feel similar things that i do, i’ve struggled with accepting and embracing my asexuality (especially as an aegosexual) so it’s comforting to know i’m not alone and not some “fake ace” as i used to think i was. I used to have so much doubt and denial about my identity and it feels so good to read 20+ people say they feel and think similar things, i love that i’m not alone. In recent years i have become more accepting of myself but this video and the comments are just the cherry on top for my self-discovery journey. Thank you so much for making this video, i appreciate it greatly.
I'm so glad it helped! Reminder that you're valid and you're not alone :)
thank you for this comment! i’d never heard the term aegosexual before, but it fits me super well and makes me feel very validated :)
hey fellow aego! 😁
I never had a big crisis on my identity but I definitely doubted that I'm ace for a very long time because I really enjoyed love/romance stories as well as fictional sexual content, so I relate to the whole "fake ace" thing. It's really good to know that we aren't alone in this sort of thing
Im aegosexual as well and its genuinely so heart warming to hear other peoples experiences and knowing im not alone in my thoughts
24:29 "Sex is in our heads." YES. *YES!*
You perfectly described what I've struggled with for so long, especially long before I discovered I'm asexual. Like, sex as a concept can be pretty hot I guess. I used to have many fantasies as a teen, then once I actually had sex at going on 20 did those fantasies about all ended. Thinking back, the fantasies I used to have didn't even really focus on _sex,_ just-- sexual situations? And they didn't really involve me even when they did, just more from a 3rd person perspective observing what I imagined sex felt like.
So cue actually having sex, and my realization that it was none of what I imagined it to be.
Now at this point we're 10 years into the "straight" relationship, with many ups and downs that thankfully smoothed out once I discovered asexuality applies to me a few years ago (and I solved my physical ailments). My acceptance of myself and my feelings/lack there of helped us tremendously come to understand what works for us and what doesn't. I'm not broken, just have a few unconventional needs is all. Typically I hardly ever wanted to do it, while he just about always wanted to. We both curbed expectations to come to a middle ground.
Anyway, I need an environment without distractions because I'm plagued by intrusive thoughts. So, during the act I try my best to avoid thinking about family or work or what have you because then the sensations suddenly feel violating. So, I try to focus purely on how I feel, what I fantasize myself to look like, and what I imagine I'm making him feel. Takes a lot of concentration.
Sexual attraction is not a factor, and I'm still confused by what that must feel like. It's like being born color blind trying to imagine the color red, the best you can do is use the same words other people use to describe red, haha
I love your analogy of being born colour-blind, that’s exactly what it feels like!
This feels so relatable. I had many fantasies which stopped after I first had sex at a similar age to u. But idk if that's just because it triggered my trauma or not, but it's been over a year and I haven't had any sexual attraction or fantasise. I know some ace people are opposed to the idea that people can become Acesexual but I genuinely think I might have and it's kinda healing to think of it that way. Whether it goes away or not, it's nice to know that there's a group of people who feel the same way that I can relate to
I could've written this exact comment. Thanks for sharing! It's very nice not to feel so alone.
That last paragraph puts to words my own experience so well! It's so easy for my mind to wander (especially since it feels a bit like a chore and I often space out doing monotonous tasks) but then when everyday life makes it into your thoughts in a moment like that, it feels wrong which can take me even more out of the moment.
@@mibbles2371 For me, I misunderstood my desire to fit in, and later on mistook my arousal as sexual attraction. (Basically didn't know I was seeing a "dull orange" all my life when everyone else saw and described "red.")
When I was 11 one day I just decided to have a crush because characters and family & friends I admire have crushes or love lives. So I picked the friend I loved hanging out with the most and started pretending to have a crush on him. Until one day my crush turned real, but looking back that may be better described as an intense "squish," platonic crush. With him, at most my fantasies were just sensual, never sexual.
In middle school, a group of girls were going around asking if Johnny Depp is hot, and when they asked me I just panicked and gave a confused "Sure." 😂
And many other examples that just made me feel out of place compared to everyone else, haha
This kinda makes me feel strange for being not only asexual, but also painfully vanilla. I'm sex favorable and have tried some kink with partners in the past, but I always felt ridiculous the whole time. It was all very awkward and silly for something that is always treated so seriously.
Personally, I think more people should embrace and celebrate how silly and ridiculous sex can be. Nothing is more intimate than sharing a laugh with someone you love, completely without pretense or defensiveness. The ill-timed fart might not be sexy, but the uncontrolled giggling that follows definitely is.
I love this so much and thank you for this perspective! I totally agree, some of the best sex I've ever had was silly and playful and just a good time with lots of laughs. Totally agree :)
keyword is “might” not be, it depends on the person. not me, personally, but i don’t judge
Being Vanilla is so valid.
When it comes to kinks, I'm not interacting with kink irl, but in terms of fantasy for sure.
Irl I'm super vanilla haha
If you're comfortable with discussing it, may I ask what drives someone to have sex if they themselves have zero desire for it? "I do it because my partner likes it" feels like super icky/unhealthy reasoning to me, but tbf it's because I dated someone with sexual trauma in the past who said this to me. In his case, it was very much that he felt like I wouldn't like him or stay with him if he didn't do it, which is obviously a terrible dynamic for a relationship. So I guess I'm wondering how an asexual person having sex simply to please an allosexual partner (if that happens to be their individual reason for doing so) differs from someone doing it because they feel they "have to". Admittedly, my own views on sex are unhealthy- I often see sexual acts as things that are inflicted upon people; requirements for having a romantic partner. So please don't interpret what I'm saying as an insinuation that ace folks can't advocate for themselves!
@@himesilvaHi, I sort of explain it to my partner and others as something that’s sort of done as an act of service or care for that person. Basically out of love. But that’s just one asexual’s view on it, im sure there are others who view it differently.
I guess the enjoyment on our end comes from things other than sexual gratification for us…
I think the concept of Enthusiastic Consent is really important for a lot of straight, allosexual women, because I personally know of lot of young (christian) women who didnt know that was a thing. Some of them dont even know sex can be fun, its just something you have to endure in your marriage if you want children or if your husband asks for it. I had a friend who learned about enthusiastic consent and it completely changed her marriage, because now she only has sex when shes in the mood and they started doing stuff that actually benefits her and her pleasure, instead of just saying yes to sex to make her husband happy and then laying there like a starfish. I understand what you mean by it not really benefitting an asexual lifestyle, but for other people it can really make a difference.
Oh, it's a totally great concept! The issue comes in when people say that any sex which takes place without enthusiastic consent is 🍇. It's not only a problem for asexuals because we might be as enthusiastic about sex as about say, dusting, but it's also a problem in discussions of sex workers. It's wildly inaccurate to their experience to say they are 🍇ed by their clients when there is a clearly negotiated agreement beforehand and the client adheres to it and compensates them appropriately afterwards. Framing it in that way inhibits their ability to advocate for themselves in those times when clients do violate their boundaries, by erasing the distinction between those situations and their normal routine. It's much better to say that the requirements for consent are that it be sober, written or verbal, and given outside of a power dynamic. That last thing is what the term "enthusiastic" was supposed to be getting at by the people who invented it, it's just that that word implies things which aren't necessarily realistic in every scenario.
@sophiejones3554 I completely agree. I had a friend literally accuse my of being pro assault because I said I sometimes consent to sex when I'm not in the mood (a decision I made for my own well being, & free from any coercion). Which is really messed up, because the difference between me choosing to do something I don't desire, vs actually having my autonomy violated aren't even close to being related.
It's definitely very important and has its place. Especially with the example you gave. I do have to say ace people tend to have a very different experience and that is why Enthusiastic Consent is a great umbrella term for teaching safety and equality while also leaving room for nuance
It's so important as it can be easier for someone to begrudgingly agree to something because someone is seen as having influence or power over them. There are a lot of reasons why someone could agree to something they don't actually want to do. I'm so glad that there are more Christians debunking and going against "complementarianism," and the stereotypes of gender roles and masculinity.
But I'm also so glad that this idea is being talked about within asexual circles, because I'm not overly enthusiastic about a lot of things, but I still can want to do them and have a desire for it, even if it's not something I'm overly excited about or need.
Answer to the question asked at 3:27 (obviously a NSFW answer). I'm a sex repulsed aroace and although I haven't tried any, I definitely have kinks. Most of them are fairly common like bondage and masochism (specifically cbt), but I do have a CNC kink (sometimes known as 'rape play') which surprises me given that I've been raped because of my asexuality and that being the reason as to why I'm sex repulsed. Over the years I have bought a few toys that cater to some of them but I don't feel entirely satisfied or that there's something that is still missing. And yes, I do feel like nobody knows we exist other than others like me.
"Kink scenes can be aesthetically pleasing". Thank you, that has just clicked in my head. I always wondered why I occasionally watch porn because it sure as hell wasn't for anything sexual. It's just entertainment to me nothing adult about it, like watching a sport event or a movie.
Thank you for sharing! I’m glad it helped, understanding that things are sometimes just aesthetically pleasing and that’s all you need was also super helpful for me!
Hi I know someone who also has a CNC kink and also has experienced SA (they aren't asexual, but I am). And explains to me that it feels "cathartic" in a sort of way, everything is planned and isn't actually dangerous. Give them some power back mentally about how they own their own body.
Maybe a trigger warning rather than just a NSFW warning would result in this comment being less harmful.💜 I read it expecting only NSFW, not something that would panic me.
@@chey7691this just clicked something in my brain. I didn't even know it had a name that kink. Same situation and all. I thought I was just sick in the head 😅. I'm so relieved right now.
Survivor here. I've been told that sometimes people who've been SA'd take back control by either becoming nonsexual or overly sexual to varying degrees that otherwise seem "extreme". I would say the same about sensuality as well. Perhaps CNC is a way for you to maintain your internal power as you are choosing this, vs it being taken. As long as you dig it, I wish you peace, enjoyment, control, and all the best in your exploration and journey. ♡
omg I *have* to comment, because I've genuinely never had anyone describe my sexuality and its relationship with kink before in such a specific and (for lack of a better word) correct way. Specially the section about sex being in our heads and having fantasies that are really arousing but would be an immediate turn off if they actually happened, wow, you really hit the nail on the head with that one.
Thank you! I’m so glad you found it helpful :)
I've doubted off and on whether or not I'm really asexual due to a lot of the things discussed in this video: the academic interest in kink, sexual fiction and situations, the line between sexual and sensual attraction, aesthetics, etc etc. I used to describe my interest in sex as "liking everything up until the actual sex." I felt like I could never fully call myself ace, if I still liked the sensations, entertainment, and intimacy of flirtation and foreplay. Honestly, with ever topic you covered it was like you were nipping the ever-doubling doubts in the bud one after another. It's such a relief to hear my own experiences mirrored and explained like this. Thank you!
I'm so glad it resonated and was helpful! :)
Me too! This is the video that made me go "yup! I'm definitely asexual". This is exactly me, I am very interested in thinking about sex and talking about it, not that interested in actually doing the sex. I love fantasizing about it, different scenarios are a lot more interesting than the actual sex. Those scenarios usually don't involve me, it's more of a 3rd person perspective. I have a libido and get turned on by erotica and p0rn, and I masturbate, but I don't really understand the point of bringing an actual other person into it. I've had sex and it feels weird, like there are too many people in the room. It also feels confusing. What exactly am I actually doing here? I would just act out what I've seen in p0rn, feeling none of it. Also, other people have never been able to get me off as well as I can do it myself. So why bother with another person. I don't understand why people are so obsessed with bringing other people into it.
I am also kinky. What I like about kink is that it provides the scenarios, context, and structure that make sex make sense to me. (I am also autistic, so I thought that's what the structure thing was). The kinky desires and my submissive nature are things I actually feel to the core, I don't have to fake anything.
Same here, same here. I get a little emotional, feeling so "seen".
Watching this, I feel like I can finally comfortably call myself asexual, possibly even aroace. I always kinda figured I never found a partner because of my general anxiety, but I think I might have been getting the cause and effect backwards. Friends would joke about setting me up with (genuinely nice) guys, and the whole concept was just so…off putting. Like, part of me would like to have a partner, but I don’t necessarily want a ROMANTIC partner. Can’t I just have a really good buddy to help pay the rent and take care of the home and not someday leave me in a lurch?? XD
Anyway, I did wonder about my ace identity because I WOULD have fantasies and did read fanfic lemons when I was younger, but thinking back I was never the star of those fantasies, it was always anonymous strangers or fictional characters and I was just an observer. The “Sex in our Heads” helped me a lot, because that’s how I feel - I don’t WANT the actual real life act itself, I just enjoy the concept and build up to it more than anything else.
So yeah.
@@PrincessAmanante I'm glad this was helpful and that it clarified some things for you!
THIS VIDEO IS SO GOOD OMGGGG im asexual (specifically aegosexual) and i love love loveeee reading fics! fluff, smut, yadayada, espppp when its romance. its awlays so funny to me when my friends assume thta i must be "innocent" or not understand a sexual joke when i read smut on a regular basis lol
I relate to this so much:] /pos (also hi fellow aegosexual:3)
hehe same, fics are my jam, especially gay fics. honestly the weirder and kinkier the better for me, my adhd has decided that kink is my hyperfixation so yaaaay :)
Yooo, my fellow aegosexuals!! Fic is the besttt. My friends always assumed I wouldn't get dirty jokes too, but I literally have favourite smut authors on ao3
@@thatoneradiohost2737 real for that
FELLOW AEGOSEXUAL!!!! TAHHHHH!!!!!!!! HIIII!!!!!,
I used to frequent kink clubs before the pandemic and what i saw when I worked there was that being it such an environment allowed peope to be on a pretty equal level. (Experience aside)
We would often have noobies attend a consent class before they could play. We broke down how and what consent is, how to ask it from others and how to apply it to yourself. I found it quite shocking how many people never considered how much control they have in a given situation and many people opened up to the idea of being in control a scene.
How it relates is showing people to broaden their definition of intimacy beyond sex. There is sensation, depravation,(depravity) power dynamics, role(and rope)play and much more. But having those other options for a physical relationship that doesnt involve rubbing bits together i think are what appeal to many ace/aro people. (Many of my best scenes involved at least one party full clothed for the whole time.)
Lastly I also have seen how touch-starved some people are. A big thing we used to do were cuddle parties in which peole often went for physical connection without the need for intimacy. It often felt like slumber parties were everyone stays up all night in giant piles of blankets and pillows and we tell stories. And I myself would go just to practice saying no to others. I like the company of others but i also like having the ability to consent to the level of physical contact without feeling pressured into actually participating.
Omg, I need a cuddle party
I felt so deeply and tremendously seen by this video and what is said therein!
I didn't figure out I was asexual until after my first relationship, in which I was never able to keep myself physically aroused for sex despite my great desire to please my partner. I didn't even understand that you could be ace and kinky until I found out an nsfw artist I followed was ace, and messaged them to talk about it out of curiosity.
I think the thing that really sounded like you were reading my mind was saying that we have sex 'in our heads'. Before I figured out I was ace, I very literally used to say I was "very in my head" when it came to sex, and I thought that sometimes I just had a disconnect when trying to push that arousal from my mind to my body. I used that phrase for at least a couple years of my adult life, so for you to use almost those exact words was such a call-out XD
I'm personally an ace dom, and the the things you said about BDSM-related kink are also very true, as well! While sometimes I do feel sexually aroused by those dynamics, it never translates to ever desiring sexual things. What I do find, though, is even outside of those more horny situations, I find a lot of comfort and personal nonsexual pleasure in having those dynamics. Having subs call me by certain titles or such, casually or lovingly referring to them by their titles, talking down to them, etc is all quite a nice thing. And with those that reciprocate that level of comfort in those dynamics, there's a deep and trusting bond that forms in the shared understanding of our roles. Aside from possible other things (I've been recently exploring the likelihood of my own undiagnosed neurodivergence), this is probably why losing some of those dom/sub role relationships in past was so traumatic and felt so deep a betrayal.
I think allosexuals (at least on average) put so much value in actual sexual contexts that intimate contact and dynamics of other kinds fall by the wayside. It's hard for them to understand. For instance, I also tend to find intimate contact (hugs, snuggling, etc) with close friends totally normal, but any time I mention the idea of cuddling a friend of mine, people seem to be surprised that I would do that. Relationships and the comfort therein can be so much more dynamic and interesting than I feel allosexual/alloromantic society teaches people to believe, and I think that is truly a great loss for so many people.
I completely agree, especially with that last paragraph. There are a lot of things that allosexual people find sexual that I just don't (like butts! I don't get it), so I get weird looks too when I want to do things platonically but it's not platonic for the other person.
I'm so glad my video made you feel seen! I love how you said that you have trouble pushing the arousal from your head to your body--that's SUCH a good way of putting it
Almost 100% of what you said in the last two paragraphs fits my experiences. I find it so odd that allosexuals don’t understand the difference between sensual and sexual contact. I’ve had so many a-spec friends in the past that had absolutely no problems cuddling because it felt nice, was comfortable, and felt safe. I tried explaining that to my cishet allo father and (quietly) cishet ace mother, who both tried explaining to me that “society typically sees that as sexual…” etc., to which I was a little dumbfounded that a couple that’s been together for over 30 years didn’t understand that intimacy between close friends can be shown in different ways.
... Huh, this video made me realise that me liking D/s dynamics since as long as I have been curious about anything sexual, actually is very much in line with me being ace. I like situations and energies. Anticipation rather than gratification. Visuality over desire to act.
I can only relate to this!
Aroace here, huge huge thank you for making this video. I think I actually cried a bit at the "sex is in our heads" part, because frankly I felt like I was alone with that experience.
I've once attempted to explain to a friend that my relationship with sex and kink is a bit complicated, because there's a huge gap between theory and practice for me (aegosexualiy letsgo). Many things are great as fantasies (or fun to read about in fanfic) but actually engaging in them would make me feel extremely uncomfortable (to be fair, gender dysphoria is definitely also at play here, but I digress). The very few things I would actually attempt in real life would only ever be for the sensual, never the sexual aspect.
I truly didn't expect the things you talked about to resonate with me so much or to make me feel as seen and understood. Part of me healed just now, very valuable content
Omg, yes, the 'gender dysphoria'!! I'm a trans masc and I, have been identifying myself as acearo since around 2018 (?). When I first found out about kinks and got interested in it in educational way, I did question about my sexuality, wondering if I was actually ace or I just couldn't imagine myself now, as a pre-everything trans person, to be in any relationships that I can be comfortable with.
This vid finally helps me understand more about my identify and reaffirms that, yes, I'm still ace as hell XD
I related to this video very hard as a trans person. I wouldn't call myself ace because I am attracted to specific people, even occasionally situations that involve me - but I've had long stretches of time where my dysphoria made my effectively aegosexual. I sustained myself mainly on fantasies about a kink most people don't even consider sexual (and I wouldn't really want for real) because I just couldn't engage with my own body in a straightforward way. Even now that I'm a bit more comfortable with my body, I still don't see attraction as mandatory especially in a kink context, so I relate to a lot of what's described here
I've known i was asexual for a while now but started questioning my identity again because of my interest in kink and physical intimacy (which i interpreted as an interest in sex). Turns out it makes me all the more asexual lol
The nuances between sensual and sexual, imagined and real, situations and people, etcetera make so much sense to me. Probably had like five asexual awakenings during the span of this video. Thank you for making me see connections where i saw contradictions!
I feel you so much ^^
Bro I’m right here with you!
I blame the lack of knowledge and representation for this honestly.
I also felt that way until I remembered asexual means "not experiencing sexual attraction" and not "sexless". I'd even say being ace makes sexual topics feel less taboo and embarrassing for me than for most people since they aren't entangled with much feelings.
Holy crap. I avoided this video because I am just starting to explore my asexuality as a 46-year-old man, and I have always interpreted “kink” as experimental and extremely sexual. I have no problem about anyone who is into that, but as someone who is sex averse, I just didn’t think it had anything to do with me. What a massive relief to learn more about it. Thank you!
Hi hello! Just stumbled on this video, very fun!! I'm a sex neutral-averse aroace; ive never been FULLY sure how to define it bc I am very fine with fully imaginary sex (and I'm friends with ace ppl who get squicked by even passive sex mentions) but am EXTREMELY repulsed by the idea of real sex happening to me in my body.
Most of my exposure to kink is for that reason very much in the brainspace, where my thoughts can be entirely disconnected from myself. The more distanced a concept is from reality, the more likely it is to turn me on, whereas stuff that's more grounded in reality can be anywhere from interesting to me as part of a story to making me full-body cringe. It all depends!
I think my experience with sex def lines up with the "in the head" thing. If it's not a real thing that could feasibly happen, great! If it checks the boxes of -real people -realistic scenario -physically possible -I am asked to involve myself in the imaginary situation, it is not for me!
I've been on a journey to realizing my asexuality this past year, and dear God, I am so attacked by every point in this video. 😂 I can’t believe this exists. It summarizes everything I've experienced since I started forcing myself to be sexually active 10 years ago. I didn’t know these thoughts/feelings were a shared experience? Truly identity-shattering stuff here. Thank you.
Thank you for sharing! They are definitely very common in the community, you aren't alone! I'm glad this resonated :)
"A lot of aces are attracted to situations, circumstances and ideas rather than to people."
This. This very much summarizes how I feel. The things that get me aroused, in my head at least, have absolutely nothing to do with the act of sex or the concrete person(s) engaged in it, and the only reason it may be followed up by a solitary sexual act is because free dopamine from the physical stimulation is still free dopamine.
I'm a sex-repulsed asexual who is in to kink intellectually. I'm really into fanfiction and BL and have been since I was in middle school. Personally, I really enjoy reading fics with kink scenes because of the trust and emotional intimacy they have. Characters are always the most important part of a story to me, so I'm a huge fan of writers who can capture a really intense and emotional relationship.
I really enjoyed the video, and I learned a lot about the kink community. Thank you!
I really vibed with your opinion on "enthusiastic" consent being a somewhat problematic term for some ace ppl such as myself where it's more like a "yeah sure" sort of situation most of the time.
Same! After I broke up with my first (and only, thank goodness) long-term romantic/sexual partner, I came across a post on tumblr with different GIFs from the US TV show The Office displaying what “enthusiastic” versus “unenthusiastic” would look like. I felt so seen. I realized that in almost every single sexual situation, I wasn’t feeling enthusiastic about anything. Informed? Most of the time, but certainly not enthusiastic. Seeing other ace folks label the term “enthusiastic consent” as problematic for our experiences with sex is so nice.
Someone tried to tell me once that since I was mostly having sex to please someone else, and I'm not actually getting anything sexual out of it, that it was depressing lmao. Nothing I said could get through to them. The thought that sex could be like... watching a movie I didn't care for because my partner wanted to see it, and that isn't upsetting to me, just does not compute with a lot of allo ppl
I'm ace and this is the first time I learned about the difference between sensual and sexual, it's EXACTLY how I feel about kink!
Edit: OMG the whole "being interested in kink from an intellectual standpoint" is exactly how I got into it!! I was confused how people could find BDSM sexual in any way so I did research about it and found it interesting
Me fr 😭 i thought it was just the autism
@@dream_walker9726Bruh😭🫂 Same
Same here! I always kinda struggled to differentiate sexual and sensual or romantic and sensual Because most people mix all 3 together.
I also got into kink from an intellectual standpoint of why do people like this?
The relationship between kink, sex(ual contact) and neurodivergence/sensory play reminds me of something my mum told me. She works with children, and she said that there is an autistic child who likes to take his clothes off. One of the other workers implied that it must be that he's being abused at home-- I was like err, no ? Maybe he just hates the feeling of his clothes???!? I'm not sure why some people equate sensory seeking/regulation with sensuality and it's a shame that this is projected onto children :/
Such a good point!
everything about this video is so validating. thank you. you’re saying some things i’ve been trying to put to words for a while.
I'm so so happy this is connecting some dots for you and validating your experience and identity! That's exactly what I was hoping for :)
I'm aroace (or at least somewhere on the spectrum), and I've been thinking recently about getting into dating, since I crave physical affection and would like to have a life partner, but I've been super intimidated about getting started, partly due to the amatonormative idea that relationships and intimacy must include sex. I was worried about the people I date feeling that way, and honestly I realize now that I still have some internalized amatonormativity to work through. This video gives me a lot of hope, though, and I feel a lot less alone in my journey, and plus I now know that kink sounds like a great option for me to look into lol, so thanks for making this!
You really came after me with this one... the fanfic really got me. I read them religiously throughout my adolescence and teen years, and I could point you toward fanfics that are better writing than any piece of fiction. I have definitley correlated that neurodivergent people gravitate toward it but I have never even thought that its mostly ace people who write and enjoy it. Mind blowing.
How dare you call out my physically impossible imaginary trauma healing kink!! (Jk I actually feel so seen for the first time in my life??? 😭) Literally thank you for this video
I never comment but this totally changed my perspective on my asexuality. The sensual attraction is something I’ve experienced before with my gf and it’s always confused me so much. To hear someone say that sex doesn’t have to come after means so much today. Thank you so much for putting this content out here. ❤️❤️❤️
I’m so glad this helped you! Being ace is very confusing sometimes ❤️
I grew up conservative and accidentally sexualized all of my kinks! That was the only reason masc people were offered for being kinky.
I'm still working on desexualizing all the things I enjoy just for their aesthetic, sensual, or emotional content. It's been way more fun treating kink play like improv or theater than s e x.
This is exactly what it's like to me, thank you for commenting that
As a sex-averse asexual, I have some thoughts about the enthusiastic consent debate: I actually made the experience that I pressured myself to endure sexual touch in the past because I thought I was supposed to do this. I tried to talk myself into not defending my boundaries with thoughts like "Oh, it's not such a fun activity but it's fine" or "I'm doing this person a favour" even though I felt really really bad during those actions.
I'm not saying that this is the experience for all asexuals and that asexuals giving their consent in a non-enthusiastic way is less valid or consensual. I just want to raise awareness that if you practice consent in a way that includes non-enthusiastic consent as well, you need to be really careful that nobody's boundaries are ignored or violated, especially if there's imbalance of power or low feelings of self-worth involved.
This is a really good point and thank you for bringing it up! I agree, power imbalances are very important to pay attention to when it comes to consent (and everything else, tbh!)
wasn't ready to find out/confirm that I'm asexual by randomly clicking on a video 😳. "attracted to situations/concepts rather than people" explains so much of my experiences; thanks for a very informative and thoughtful discussion
I’m glad it was helpful!
I'm ace and into kink, and clicked on this video because I haven't seen anyone talk about the relationship between those topics, and oh my god am I glad I watched it. you validated a lot of things I've experienced, and managed to put into words so many things I wasn't able to. I think this video alone is helping take a big step in my journey of understanding myself and how I work, thank you SO MUCH
I’m so happy and honoured that it was helpful!
this is crazy because I’ve just read a Tumblr post about how hurt/comfort fics are kinky, and the reasoning behind it (vulnerability exposed to the partner) was something I(an ace) was thinking “Isn’t that common sense? Isn’t intimacy exactly that?” So this video showing up on my feed is topic-relevant
Anything can be kinky if you're weirdly fond of it enough
Hey! I wanted to say thank you for making this video. Slightly older aroace here who recently stumbled upon aego ("Hey.. I think I really like this here lgbtq+ spicy romance--") you hit the nail on the head in terms of a number of details including the intellectualizing of sex. I joke to myself that I basically had to "teach myself 'sex'" in terms of when allosexual people mean it, talk about it, etc. I think as a slightly older person on aspec, I've had the tendency to stay at arms' length from all things that MIGHT be interpreted as sexual for fear of 'giving people the wrong impression'. Your video gives space to process these ideas (sensuality, power dynamics, navigating the increments of consent) without feeling like doing so is somehow "doing aroace wrong."
Oh wow, that is such a compliment! Thank you so much, and I'm so happy it gave you the space and time to process ❤
"Sex only happens in our heads" i related to the whole video up to that point but that line blew my fucking mind because yeah
Yep. Yep. I think that kind of seals the deal. Finally, someone recited my own feelings to me.
Yeah, same, i never thought of it that way but it explains so much
Yup yup yup!
This video made me understand myself so much better as someone who recently realised they are ace, also given the fact that I am still in denial of it, which is a really weird space to be in when you're aware of the fact. I feel like this video is solidfying my reality and helping me break free of that denial. I also found the link between asexuality and fanfic very interesting as I have written a lot myself, which I also attribute to being neurodiverse.
Thank you for this video. I think it’s helping me to be more secure in my asexuality. Mostly because I am now understanding that my desires are actually sensual and not sexual, and that those two things, although they can coexist, don’t actually have to. The concept of kink has always interested me, but never more so than now, now that I actually know what it really is.
I’m glad it helped you understand yourself better! It’s okay to be in denial, I totally get that feeling of cognitive dissonance. I was too for a long time, I felt like I wasn’t queer “enough” so I didn’t count. It was a weird headspace to be in and it took me years to shake it. I think it’s pretty common for aspec people though, because it’s hard to know if/when you’re feeling a LACK of attraction
Hello, fellow neurodivergent asexual writer of fanfiction here to tell you that you are not alone. Some (not all) of my fics get very graphic in the sexual area. The joy and entertainment that i bring to others with my works gives me heaps of serotonin.
I might be somewhere on the ace spectrum, questioning, still figuring stuff out but not super urgently, and have developed an interest in kink and the surrounding culture over the last years.
The dynamics in sex are interesting to me, but the actual act of it, if it involves me directly, was always 'too much of a hassle' to continuously want to pursue it.
Playing stuff out in my mind is easier, and a lot more gratifying because it doesn't need for me to get over hangups involving my body and mental barriers i've built up over my life with a real life partner to enjoy sex at all.
Reading and writing erotic fan fiction has alwaye been my 'creative outlet' of choice here.
this video called me out in the best type of way, where a lot of things i considered undefinable about my demisexuality actually have communicable ways to make space for sex and intimacy
23:56 Oh my god. I've never heard it like that, that makes so much sense for me, thank you for describing it so well!!!!
I'm glad it resonated with you! :)
I'm glad you made this video. I found it very informative and I appreciate it. As a queer allosexual kinkster I still try to keep informed about lgbtqia+ topics and aspec is a part of that. I also feel like I've learned a lot of helpful relationship advice from aspec discourse and it has helped me greatly as a survivor of abuse with further defining my boundaries and properly articulating them.
24:30 THIS WHOLE SECTION?? HOLY SHIT??? You just blew my mind, like, five times in a row??? I now understand myself so much better but also I now have so much more questions
I'm a mostly sex averse aroace, and I'm very kinky... in my head. I really relate to the "sex is in our heads" segment, I have a mixture of possible and impossible kinks that I would not want to happen to me IRL. I'm not attracted to anyone sexually, but I am attracted to these situations sexually. Anything I'd want to happen IRL is removed from sex and I'd want it to be sensual and platonic. I've been questioning my asexuality lately because of my kinks, so it's refreshing to see this talked about.
i came out as ace 2 years ago but never really considered the label beyond “i don’t want to have sex.”
i’ve had this video saved for way too long and put off watching it bc i was scared that what i felt wouldn’t be valid. but this video was really insightful and lots of stuff you said resonated with me! you said a lot of poignant things that really makes me think, evaluate, and discover myself more
thanks for making this video. i’ll definitely be rewatching and analyzing my own thoughts later!
thank you for making this video! I´m coming to term with my asexuality in the last few months. I thought of me beeing ace for way longer tho but because I enjoy kink in alot of ways I thouth that I can´t be ace because most people think of kink in a very sexual way. I knew that the ace spectrum is very broad but I have problems with giving myselfe the freedom that I give others (this also applies to my gender and sexual identity). So this video helps me a lot to be more confident about my asexuality!
Glad it was helpful! You deserve to be confident about who you are :)
As an allosexual the distinction between sensual and sexual was great. I think another good example for people like me could be massage; it can be sexy, but it can also just plain feel good (and/or be therapeutic).
That is a GREAT example!! Massage has never been sexual to me, even if people were to touch me in sexual places while massaging me. It’s always just relaxing and feels good and I’ve always preferred massage and light sensual touch to anything sexual
When you said that sex for a lot of ace people happens in our heads, something totally clicked for me! I think about sex and have a libido, along with pretty elaborate (and sometimes impossible!) fantasies, but the second anyone mentions actually doing anything, I get freaked out. I have been attracted to fictional characters and celebrities, but the moment I have a conversation with a person, all potential attraction is gone. The idea of sex is appealing, but the thought of actually having it is scary and gross. I also find looking at genitals to be gross. I don't know if that makes me repulsed since I'm not repulsed by the idea of sex, but sex itself.
found this just now as a kinky person who's exploring aspec labels and her own asexual identity, feeling very happy and seen
I'm so happy you feel seen!
When you talked about how aces intellectualize sex and how that relates to fantasies and sex that exists only in our heads, I felt so seen. You perfectly articulated many of my experiences as an ace girlie. Thank you 🙏
I'm so glad you feel seen! That was my purpose for making this video because you deserve to be seen 💜
i'm gonna write a more detailed comment when i finish watching, but this is exactly what i needed in my life right now! i wanna see more fellow ace/aroace folks talk about kink and how some of us enjoy it without it being a contradiction to our sexual identities.
I actually teared up during this. I always had a thought in the back of my head that I wasn't actually ace because I like fanfiction, have an interest in learning about kink and have a libido.... Your explanation of sex being in your head and an intellectual interest was so validating in a way I didn't know I needed. Thank you for sharing this
I'm so happy it was validating! That's why I do what I do
"Big Daddy Algo" just threw this at me. And I'm glad :) As a kink educator / running volunteer educational kink orgs and spaces, and personally on the ace spectrum myself, I LOVE the phrasing of authentic consent vs enthusiastic consent is something that I'm going to start using :)
I'm demi, not ace, but this really resonated so much with me! In particular that bit about how kink situations take away a lot of the guesswork and overthinking!
So many of my friends are on the ace spec and we all write really smutty fanfiction. I think I have a much better grasp on why I'm always the one (token allosexual hyper-bi in our all ace group) who writes the romantic, passionate abandon smut and fluff while they write all the kink and monster romance. Thank you so so much for helping me to understand my friends a little better so that I can support them and be a better friend just in general for the ace community.
I was beginning to question my entire existence and sexuality recently and then just got called out violently and repeatedly for 30 minutes straight and I feel like a person again, so thank you lmao
I'm asexual and this was mostly new information to me. Thank you for educating people on this topic and dismissing stereotypes. I related to some of the things you were saying, so this may be something for me to look into, even if only academically. I also happen to be autistic, and I'm glad to hear that there are many others in the community who are the same and think in a similar way to me.
Sex-adverse/repulsed Aroace here. You nailed the point that a lot of kink, especially at the beginning, is an academic exercise and even those I've found I enjoy (massage, multi-partner/contact, some types of bondage) are always about the imagined sensations. I don't want any of those physical sensations myself in a sexual setting/with a partner, but rather the imagined sensations involved with those actions. It's hard to explain, but fantasy plays such a big roll that it doesn't even have necessarily involve myself, an instead could be imagining what other actors are feeling in those situations.
Now that I think about it, the idea of _enthusiastic_ consent being necessary also invalidates sex work, which is another good reason not to use this phrasing.
I didn’t think about that but you are so right!!!
Are you implying prostitution isn’t tied to enthusiastic consent then?
@@himalayansalt32 because most of the time it's not. I dated an escort, and one of my long time friends was one. What they did with clients was consensual, but definitely not enthusiastic. It was a job.
@@himalayansalt32 Usually not from the sex worker. But they are consenting. Just not enthusiastically.
i mean sex work as it exists today is bad specifically because of the coerced consent
0:28 i’ve already spit out my ramen, immediate subscription
Thank you for the subscribe, and welcome to the space! :)
I'm so glad for this video, I think about this often as an arro-ace that's on the fringe of the kink community(I'd be more involved if I had funds outside of survival). For me the kink community is as open and willing to learn about people's sexuality and wants that are not a part of the puritanical propaganda that a majority of society has internalized, at least in my opinion. Along with being open, I go when I can to see if anything sparks in me, but so far nothing irl has done so. I wish we could have more conversations about sex and kink without it getting weird with strait cis people, but it feels like it always ends with them getting weirded out that sex talk not leading to sex. Maybe it's just me, lol
Definitely not just you, I think a lot of aces feel the same way. I know for me, sex is almost always an intellectual topic, so I never feel weird talking about it with literally any and everyone. Straight, allosexual people do get weird about it though, I think because it turns them on?
@@meghansandor I think allo's, especially cis straight have had to deal with the weird dichotomy of being both shamed and flooded with "sexual" imagery. Which is weird in it's self because it seems almost anything outside of bodies having sex could be considered sexual.
I also feel like not everyone has the same(ish) understanding of what sexual even means to themselves, just kind of agreeing with whomever has the most conviction in their voice, be it family, friends and/or media. That's how I see it at least.
hi, i'm aroace, and your discussion about play, imagination, and control really resonated with me; i never even considered how "enthusiastic consent" can invalidate the asexual experience, and i love that there's still so much to analyze and deconstruct and reconstruct about sex and how we talk about it. if i ever need to explain my aceness and how it relates to sex/kink, i will link this video. thank you
Im a white straight conservative man and I’m still here. My friend shared with me that they are asexual. Im doing research to better understand her.
I think the difference between sexual touch and sensual touch is an important conversation for non-ace couples too. So much of this video is really universally applicable in so many ways.
dude like, i was raised mormon, figured out i was ace pretty young but was actively participating in blvn communities. There's like layers of repression, morals, gender, queerness, and curiosity that piled shame on me for years and led to me having some pretty extreme kinks as a young adult. the first time i found out that it was a thing to be ace and be into drawing nsfw was a ground breaking moment for me. i wasnt broken, there was others like me. As ive gotten older and gotten over my shame while also finding what stimulation works for me along with an artistic outlet, its wild how much my mental health has improved... i really hope this helps other young aces know they are not broken cause i could have really used this video 12 years ago.
Your story sounds remarkably similar to one of my best friends' and in part, I made this video for him! So I guess I made it for you too :) All this to say, I'm really glad you figured things out and I'm glad you're able to be yourself now!
asexual theater artist and musician here! this has been so eye opening, ive never felt so heard and understood than i have in the 30 mins i spent watching this video. a bit late to the party, but if you see this meghan youve just changed this girl’s life forever
This video is really validating for me, but from a different perspective. I am not asexual. In fact, I wish I could really tone down my sex drive (I can't, but I wish I could). Having said that, I eventually discovered an interest in BDSM, an interest that is entirely devoid of sexuality. Which was very confusing at first because the intensity of emotions I feel is very high, and normally such intensity is associated with sex. It took me time (and also research) to realize that this does happen, that it's normal and valid. Videos like yours talk to or about asexual people, but allosexual people can discover that a massive part of emotions and sensations can be as powerful and intense as sex, yet not be about sex at all. I wonder how many allosexual people experience kink like this.
In general, a number of experiences in my life uncovered this completely platonic world of feelings and sensations that are so intense and satisfying and beautiful but not sexual. I am still getting used to it because with sex you know how to get closure. With these things, though, there is no clear closure. But do you need one? I don't know.
You pose such interesting questions, thank you!
Does anyone have ideas about kinky closure?
@@Nelia2705 And another thing that's happening to me is this asexual "horniness". In my case, I'm submissive, and I'll get days when I feel this intense need for it. And there's no closure. It fades with time, then comes back. I guess if I were in a d/s relationship, playing it out could help? But curious that the brain does it.
im a sex-neutral ace and i dont think ive ever felt more seen than while i was watching this. recently ive been feeling a lot of turmoil over my identity because i couldn't understand how i was interested in kink and such but i still am not attracted to people and this video grounded. its crazy how helpful it is to simply heat from someone in the same situation as you.
also, that thing about enthusiastic consent has been floating in the back of my mind for so long...ive never brought it up to anyone because i was worried itd come off wrong like i was defending harmful actions. but i also just feel so dismissed by the "enthusiastic consent" concept
I’m so happy this was helpful for you! Thank you for watching it and for being part of this space and leaving such a thoughtful comment🩷💜
This is the first video on your channel I've watched, and omg it's good!! I'm currently still figuring out a lot of things about myself, but I'm thinking that I might be ace, sex-positive and kinky myself, and evereything you've said made so much sense for me!!! Especially thinking back how I felt during past relationships and talking with other people about kink, I noticed that I'm interested in it, but not necessarily in the same way as them! Thank you so much for this video, and keep up the good work!
Thank you so much for your kind words, and I’m so glad it helped clarify some things for you! I will keep making content like this, I’m so glad it’s helping people :)
This was such an eye opening video! As a person still figuring out their identity (I think I might be on the ace spectrum), so much of this video resonated with me! Especially when you talked about aesthetic attraction! I also thought the discussions on ‘enthusiastic consent’ and ‘sensual kink’ were so helpful to learn about and you defined and explained all of it so well! I never thought about the phrase ‘enthusiastic consent’ with this kind of context before and it’s definitely gonna help me reframe a few things in my head with my own experiences! Thank you so much for this video, it was such a fun and enlightening watch!💞💞💞
I’m so glad you enjoyed it and that it was helpful for you to reframe and validate your own experiences!
This actually seriously opened my eyes and confirmed a lot of things for me. Thank you for making this video!
For the past couple of years I have questioned if I am Ace or whether it was just trauma. 25:07 hit it on the head for me.
So outside issue but substance abuse is a part of my story. When I got sober at 21, I had not had at that point a healthy relationship largely due to myself with said substance abuse that I had going on at the time. At this point I had not had sex yet. I got into a relationship soon after and we had sex, and that’s when I began to see and learn that they wanted sex at every opportunity. At the time I figured this is what you’re supposed to do. As a guy, I felt at the time it’s my job to provide that. So it continued until one night where I was coerced to do it 4 times and then a fifth. I was exhausted at that point and without getting graphic, things just stopped working. Instead of understanding, I was met with yelling screaming crying, calling me every name in the book. Every time they tried to initiate that kind of contact after, my body just automatically shut down and the same treatment ensued.
Over the years, I have tried to work through it, and now I’ve finally started therapy at 26 years old and began seriously questioning if I am ace. I don’t desire sex, I have only craved healthy touch and the romantic side of relationships. But I always felt “fake” because I partake in self pleasure as well. Kink being involved in this video was appreciated because I always saw the two as mutually exclusive but the way you explained it was perfect because of it’s all about exploration without exclusively sexual gratification. Thank you so much for making this video 🖤
I....... I genuinely have never been more seen. It's like you just shined a thermonuclear spotlight on my orientation with this vid, especially with the overintectualizing part. I'm horrifically ADHD, so not only do my thoughts constantly race, but they get heightened 10-fold when I have to mentally follow the sex checklist the entire time I do it, since it's not something that comes naturally to me. I think the worst part is that if it's vanilla sex I constantly have anxiety and second-guess myself since I have no idea if I'm doing anything right, or if my partner is happy.
At least with kink I can relax and let stuff happen naturally since I'm pretty subby normally. Even if it's just play and nothing sexual.
Also HOLY SHIT 24:53 IS LITERALLY ME.
I'm aroace and not into relationships or kink, this video was a helpful explanation for me. Especially splitting sensuality and sexuality helps things make more sense. I liked the idea about "not naturally knowing what to do next", and I relate to it. I'm not particularly driven to sensual or sexual contact outside of societal expectations, so concepts like being "touch starved" have been puzzling to me, but reframing them as sensual needs or kink helps me understand this better. Thanks.
I'm so glad this was helpful!
So much of this was such a mood. Nice to hear someone else talk abt it and agree, rather than just me trying to science it all out for myself, lol. Some added thoughts on the "it happens in our heads" bit: At least for me, the less probable a fantasy is, the more fun it is. Because the fact that it probably can't happen irl makes it "safer" in a sense. I think it's the same reason I can simp for cartoon characters so easily but a celebrity crush is uncomfortable because just the fact that they're a real person makes it too realistic. Similarily, the stuff I read/write tends to err on the side of fantastical because my imagination often puts me in more of a 3rd person pov rather than as an actual participant, which is much easier when said participants are like, aliens or something. And even when consuming content for purely human characters, I still tend to avoid ones where a character has a body that looks like mine, because my brain will reject it as too realistic. I wonder if this notion of something being "safely outside of our reality" is something other ppl have thought about.
That’s a really interesting perspective! It sounds like maybe you could be aegosexual?
@@meghansandor Oh for sure, that's also a label I like ^-^ (tho often don't use cause it's enough work as it is explaining was being ace means)
ive always thought i was invalid as an ace for being into kink stuff, but knowing that its a normal thing for aces to feel is very comforting to me
I love this video so much. As an ace, so much of your points are soo relatable, and its so great to hear that out loud and finally understand it on the next level, if that makes sense. Thank You so much!
I'm very much not asexual, but I completely understand what you mean by imagined, fantasy, and solo experiences that are completely detached from anything you'd want to physically do. They're both wonderful to me
24:00 THIS!!! 1000% this!
Hello, sex-repulsed/averse ace here! I did not realize until watching this video that there was a difference between sex and kink because of course lots of media links the two.
I have always enjoyed fantasizing with what you describe here as kink: you explain it perfectly in that I would imagine situations and events that are not actualized in person/real life.
Because- even with fantasizing- I knew that the mere idea of anything (fingers, toys, genitalia) penetrating me made me recoil in disgust. Or me being in that physical situation would absolutely feel like something I would NEVER consent to.
I have yet to find a partner interested in kink as a sensual only experience, but now I am very interested to learn more because I was always so torn. I liked fantasizing about kink, but didn’t know how to separate it from the sex.
TLDR: Spitting straight (or, ace 😝) facts here! This video helped me so much in my own discovery journey.
Enjoy your cake! 🍰
I am ace and i never thought about "kinky" stuff as a kink because i thought its only a sexuall thing, but i lately realised that thats not true. And it feels realy good too know another thing that makes me feel good now 😊
I'm glad my video helped you feel more comfortable in your ace-ness!
@@meghansandor absolutly, just some days ago one of my friends asked me "how can you be kinky and ace" thats when i realised the things i like are kinks and i needet to know more about it, thanks for this video
@@meghansandor PS: i'm konstandly moving between sex repulsive, neutral and positiv... So yea, even repulsed aces can be kinky i think
This video appeared on my home page with great timing. I just recently was thinking about kink and came to conclusion that unlike with sex, I would find enjoyment in that [at the very least through fantasising which doesn't apply to sex for me]. And I feel like this video made me deeper understand why that might be the case,,, you hit the nail on the head with a lot of stuff . It's just also nice to see that there's more of a common interconnection between asexuality and kink than one would think. A really great video! :] its also super nice to read through the comments here and see similar experiences!
This video blew my mind... from an autistic, kinky, potential ace thank you so much
I'm so glad it was helpful!
ok I normally don't comment on a video until it's over but that was the best opening to a video ever you opened on 11 and I love it
I disagree on the "enthusiastic consent" part;
It's not relevant where the 'enthusiasm' stems from.
If it is informed and thought about with enough time, space and freedom, I'd _definitely_ call it "enthusiastic consent", even though your reason were more rational/"altruistic".
Imo it just means "not persuaded or pressured into" (by others or themselves).
Alternatively I suggest the use of the term "consensus". It would be the linguistically correct term, anyway!! (Though hardly anyone knows... :'/). (Consent = "I do not oppose"; "consesus" = "I agree", basically (very roughly put).)
regarding the "enthusiastic consent" point ... i've mostly ever heard it as "enthusiastic and ongoing consent" which in my opinion, the ongoing part is far more important. as you said, sometimes people consent to sexual interactions without it being enthusiastic, or sometimes your partner wants to introduce you to something new, or you want to try something you've never done before, so you'll go "okay, sure, we can try that" that is consent, but it is not necessarily enthusiastic. then it is more important that that consent is ongoing, checking "hey, does this feel good, do we like this, do we want to continue doing this?" and respecting when someone revokes consent and says "i tried that and i don't want to continue"
and enthusiasm might be there in the initial moment, but it is, again in my opinion, more important that it stays. of course it'd be ideal if it was both, but if it's not ... then ongoing is "better"
Hey this is really excellent, I'm glad someone is shining more of a light on to the nuances of our experiences because somehow people just still don't get it. I myself am sex repulsed - aroace and intimacy repulsed, really, I'm just as nauseated by romantic overtures as I am physical contact - but staunchly sex positive*, and find sex and kink fascinating. The majority of my friend group is in fact many similarly repulsed individuals and nonetheless we spend a lot of time on the topic, incorporating it into our writing and art. I have a theory that when you've removed yourself completely from the equation in a real life context, it's easier to have an open mind conceptually to the wide and varied world of sex and kink, without projecting this "ew gross why would anyone like that" reflex that's normal for a lot of people. That's been my experience, anyway.
* As other people have outlined here, a reminder: sex positive is an ideology, not an interpersonal positioning. It does not mean "positively interested in engaging with sex", it means "fostering a mindset where sex and pleasure are healthy pursuits rather than something taboo and restricted to The Creation Of The Family, and where consent is vital and taken seriously".
Thank you so much for this video, it helps a LOT. It's one thing to identify as ace, it's another to really understand what it means and the reflection that goes with it. You put the right words with all the fantasies and sex being in our head ! I was in a relationship with a girl for almost an entire year and didn't understand myself, being super kinky and fantasizing all day and night in my head, but pushing her away when she tried things. I had no idea how to communicate this, I felt stupid and weird, and in the end I freaked out and broke up with her all of a sudden. She deserved more, and thanks to wonderful people like you taking time to explain these things in videos, I think next time I can communicate better because I would have understood myself better ❤
As an aro/ace kinky woman, i feel so seen here.
I’m so glad!!
When a video is so good you start taking notes ✍️
My roommate and I (both ace) both joke that we just do not have a sex kink. Other kinks yeah, but not sex.
literally made me cry thank you for making this video this made me feel so much more comfortable in my identity as aroace you just hit all the nails on the head
I'm so glad, that's why I make these!!
Omg this is actually a great explanation, Ive been trying to find a way to explain this as someone who is ace sex neutral leaning towards avoidant but kink sounds a lot more pleasing than actual sex (I’ve never done anything kinky but Im going based on what I know of it)
5:40 / 5:53 - hmm, interesting. Like, I at least partially get how you prefer "affirmative" over "enthusiastic", but I think I might also have a slightly different take on what enthusiasm looks like? Like, 6:13 sounds some level of enthusiastic to me. Sure, it's not the same level of enthusiasm, but... yeah, I dunno, just interesting. I'll reflect on this! (And I'm a hell yes to having more Ace voices chiming in on topics like this, so, yeah. Thank you for sharing your thoughts!)
This video is so helpful for someone going into their first relationship with someone on the asexual spectrum. Thank you!
I've always thought of my sexuality in three levels:
1: IRL, in situations that are both possible and plausible, I am fully aro/ace (sex neutral).
2: Realistic Fantasy, in situations that are theoretically possible but highly improbable (like meeting Mr/Ms Perfect), I acknowledge the possibility that I could run into someone I would be willing to be intimate with regardless of identity so demi-panromantic but still demisexual.
3: Pure Fantasy, in situations that are fully impossible, never going to happen, I think panromantic and bi- leaning homosexual and very kinky.
23:56 I’ve identified as aro for a pretty long while and I never would’ve thought I might’ve been on the ace spectrum until hearing that. Great video, the more ya know