If you're a high masking autistic adult, what is your experience? What else would you add to this list of things you would like other people to know about your unique challenges and how you deal with them? ⤵ Share your thoughts, ideas, and questions!
I would add the awkwardness of being asked about a special interest in casual conversation and then unloading an encyclopedia of info on the topic before suddenly realizing that the other person has completely zoned out. For years I would get carried away talking about something and then wonder why I did that. I spent way too much time beating myself up about being annoying or awkward.
The amount of preprocessing (planning/scripting every concievable option), processing during social occasions (are we still on one of the scripts/what does their bodylanguage say/how do I keep my face and body/how should I react/s*#'t what did they say/how do I steer this back to scripted terotories?/try to make sort of eye contact/...) and of course the second by second replay with thorough analysis of what went wrong as you lay exhaused in your bed after a social get together.
I have always felt like an alien on this planet. I only really feel not so alien when I'm out in nature with no other people around. I even told people I was part alien when I was a kid even when I was 17. I'm 41, now, and only while researching what to expect from my autistic daughter as she gets older have I realized I'm also autistic. I'm currently waiting for my evaluation from the psychologist to get my diagnosis so I can get some help for the first time in my life; adults are not a priority, though, even though we should be just as important to evaluate and get help for as children are since we're the ones who are supposed to be out in the work fields. My mom never wanted her only daughter to have problems, though, (even though I was noticeably worse off than my youngest brother who has ADHD), she just wanted me to be the "problem child" so she had someone to blame for all her problems. And here I am, long grown up with my youngest child at 14, and realizing if only my mom had not wanted me to be her enemy all my life (she is 100% clinically a Narcissist), I could have actually gotten help and not had to drop out of school at age 7 AND at 15 AND only four months into college AND had to quit each job I've ever held after 2-4 months. Getting help to keep a job is a vital skill I just don't have, and it could have changed my life forever. But my mom couldn't stand the fact that her only daughter, who not only didn't want to be just like her, had severe struggles in school and jobs and socially. I feel very cheated out of life all because so many people have such a negative outlook on anyone needing any sort of help to adjust.
@@homesteadgamer1257 Wow, I identified so much with nearly all of what you wrote. I often said I was from Mars... definitely felt like an alien all my life. An only (non-binary, biologically female) child, with an angry abusive narcissist mother; I suspect autism often skips generations, and the ones in between may be narcissistic or other neurodiversity. School and jobs were often hell, and filled with perplexing moments. Had over 50 jobs, but hey, I learned a lot of skills. Gladly, I've been retired a while - head trauma ended substitute teaching ability. Healed, but then got social security. So much better being able to spend time in nature now, with non-humans and plants. Very healing, restorative. Can't handle crowds, so don't. Diagnosed nearly 2 years ago, by my C-PTSD therapist, at age 68. Changed my life, more makes sense, I'm at rest with myself overall. Educational UA-cam videos, and books, on AuDHD are truly a gift, to help understand, and gradually accept myself. I now think autism/ ADHD is a nature's genetic experiment, or variation, of ways to improve humanity. We certainly think more clearly, simply, deeply, when left to our own devices (or so it seems). I love Chris' videos, and this one resonated on so many levels.
One thing I loved about covid and really miss is just the time at home away from people. I think I could be locked in my room for months, basic needs included, and thrive.
I so relate to the adapting to different conversations and groups. I don't feel like anyone I know really knows me. They know the version of me that I put on around them. I think only two people in my life have ever really seen the real me.
I relate to this. I feel like I worked so hard to adapt that I don't even know what is me and what is the mask. What is the point to do that if people talk with someone that does exist?
I'm not even sure who the real me is - I only realised a couple of months ago I've been masking for 46 years. I don't know what's me and what's the mask.
I am also discovering my true self after self diagnose and few days after I knew, I have adhd and autism, symptoms intensified a lot. The first days made me feel imposter syndrome, because in the evening, the symptoms got less, bot every morning, I experience my 100 tornados inside my brain. I learned to love and accept them really fast, but it is exhausting and I have to find out, how to earn money because I had to quit my job a few days after this transition, because I now could feel, that It always overwhelmed me. I always suppressed these emotions and now, they are so loud. This is a chance, to change my life, but I have no choice and there is so much to do and my adhd does not accelerate progress but I am very confident, that I will find my Way 😊
This... After years of being a chameleon I found myself wondering who am I? I never felt like I fit in anywhere. I felt alone even when I was around people. No one really knew or understood me.
I’m 40, and I figured out I’m autistic around the age of 35. Once I learned what masking was and realized I was doing it I stopped almost all masking immediately. I know I come across a lot less social and bubbly now, but god damn it I’m more comfortable. I refuse to make myself uncomfortable for the sake of others. Could you imagine if we made neurotypicals act like us? “Excuse me, sir, but you’re making direct eye contact with me and you’re beating around the bush. Could you stop being rude and just get to the point?”
As someone undiagnosed but looking into it… these things would definitely explain why I spent most of my working years (SAHM now) doing graveyard shift jobs where I worked completely alone. 😂 I went back to university and did NOT do well in job interviews. Apparently interviewers are put off when you answer hypothetical questions involving lunches with coworkers with “I don’t engage socially outside of work with coworkers because it leads to drama.” 👀
@@faeriesmak But that's what NTs thrive on, it seems. How boring! As I often say, "if I wanted soap operas, I can watch TV, I don't need to live them."
My hyperempathy + lack of real understanding of non-autistic people makes all drama become a storm in, like, a shotglass. It's awful! Hurts me inside so much.
Grocery stores are deliberately designed for maximum sensory overload, and nobody can convince me otherwise. They also deliberately pick the worst music to play just loud enough to trigger a migraine, especially combined with those damn fluorescent lights. Hell is a grocery store.
I've always thought I was a just massive introvert who was scared and/or hated social events. I would force myself to go to social events when I had too or when people told me it's what we do. I never understood what I was supposed to do and I already tried to hide and wait it out, stay with the person I trusted the most, or drew into myself and inwardly hid. I didn't know what was wrong with me no matter how much I searched but finally finding videos of autism, everything is making sense I don't have every symptom you or anyone else does but I have at least half About 2 month ago I had a breakdown of some sort and I couldn't go out in public without it starting to happen and it's very painful, I feel like I'm dying. But once I get back to my van it starts going away. I cannot go outside without my husband, that's also why I thought I had that not able to leave the house thing. And I feel horrible because I know I don't have a hard life and my husband is amazing to me. But everything is so difficult to me, I get so overwhelmed by the most simple things that I see others doing easily.
Don't feel badly, it isn't your fault. God loves you so much and has a purpose for everything that happens in your life! You are cherished and special 💝💕
I'm a high-masking, late-diagnosed woman on the Autism Spectrum. I still find myself going through masking to survive and exist. This video hit hard. My therapist (who is also Autistic and is helping me manage) said that I'm going through burnout after a month of high masking. I've barely recovered from several burnouts.
Hang in there. Find what helps you heal, relax, restore, come to balance. For me it's spending time in nature, greenery, and with various non-humans. Once you don't have to be in a work environment - which always seems to require extensive masking - you can relax more, and just be yourself. Great you have a good therapist. Mine was very supportive, and identified my autism. Changed my life for the better.
So glad you've gotten to a place where you noticed you need to recover and (dont know if it's the right word but I'm going with it) heal! We all need understanding and equipped people like that.
YES! Diagnosed at 43 myself, and a big reason for that was the complete burnout/breakdown I experienced at 40. It felt so cliché, but it was absolutely due to not being able to handle what I now know as masking for so long. Not just masking, though, but the constant role playing/role switching because I didn't know who I was and couldn't make sense of why I struggled so much. So, age is definitely a factor in why it's so difficult to keep masking. Plus, I did it for so long, I just don't want to anymore. I want to be free, even if it means a bunch of people won't like me 🙂
I’m in the same boat as you brother I didn’t realize I was a high functioning autistic until I found out so much information on psychology and then Neurodiversity and issues with being able to understand stuff kind of went through like aimlessly masking unaware and then eventually I kind of woke up because of burnoutafter that, I just tried to do the best I could after having two autistic boys and then looking back and wondering why my grandmother was a little off finding out that she was probably autistic because they said she was retarded back then if they were trigger somebody and then my dad and he didn’t certain things he was high functioning
I totally understand this. I’m 55 and realized I was autistic last year. I’ve been an elementary school teacher her for 26 of those years…obviously masking the whole time. (Pencils dropping NONSTOP and little kids calling my name constantly..bells ringing, being interrupted….all tough for an allistic person…just imagine my brain on fire after a couple hours everyday!) I’m exhausted and considering a larvae of absence to figure out who I am and heal all this constant sensory trauma I’m experiencing.
I related to being diagnosed after burnout. I realised something was going on when our first four week lock down happened, and i felt free for the first time in my life. No one bothering me with work interruptions, everyone kept their distance on walks outside. I just spent 4 weeks concentrating on one sculpture and it was heaven. Then the world came crashing back and i lost my ability to cope with it. Full burnout. Then diagnosis.
Same. I was never able to relate to "How horrible it was to always be alone." For me it was like the world had finally caught up to my speed, instead of continuously forcing me to speed up uncontrollably. Going back to "normal" was what caused me to start having more and more meltdowns. Although I still didn't know that's what was happening, I thought I was just becoming "extra lazy".
During the shutdown I sheltered in place with my best friend and her mother. The tragedies, deaths, shortages of medicines, etc were not fun. But the sense of freedom, noone around, the streets quiet, pollution reduced, minimal shopping or outings with mostly no contact deliveries - bloody awesome! No noise. No hustle or bustle. No constant meeting people, fake smiles, eye contact, being 'on'. Peace at last. If only we could have that without a pandemic it'd be heaven.
I can relate to this, especially that I experienced burnout before covid and had to over extent myself for couple years because well, you didn't have much choices. Covid happened, the world in lockdown for couple years, THAT'S when I started recovering from shutdown. And thanks to technology advancement, I grew my career and earned paychecks by myself while recovering. 4 years after lockdown, I finally go back to "normal life" and I can't say how hard it is to keep up with daily jobs all the time while unable to regulate without the fear of getting caught, or seeing how late I am compared to peers around or younger than my age. I never get my official diagnosis, but I know what I'm struggling at yet never be able to say that because you don't feel safe being yourself around neurotypicals, even neurotypical family members. But because I had shutdown before and found out what kind of situation that allow me to recover, deep down I know I might not last long in normal operating world. One day I found a good place to settle and never come back here.....
All of these apply to me. My tipping point was when I went back to work in a high stress field after having been laid off for several months and my brain couldn’t do it anymore at all. Finally found out 2 years later on my 39th birthday that I most likely had autism all my life and never knew it. I am working on changing my lifestyle to better fit the way my brain works.
I’m in my 60s and just diagnosed as high masking autistic. It was major burnout that lead to my diagnosis. A high stress corporate job, divorce, and trying to finish another educational degree lead to hitting a wall physically, emotionally, and the mask fell apart. What a relief to finally understand why I’ve struggled to “fit” my entire life. And it does get harder to maintain the mask the older I get.
I'm nearly 54 and have uncovered my autism through the process of my child's diagnosis around 5 years ago. It's been a bumpy road, accepting my self diagnosis...I've taken multiple self assessment tests that have all stated that I display very high correlational behaviors with ASD. I'm also ADHD...I am comforted by hearing that aging makes masking more difficult, plus the myriad of caveats...imposter syndrome is a serious problem for me, but I'm slowly accepting this reality.
59 years old and between Irene at thought spot and you Chris, I felt understood and self-explained in a way that I hadn't even expected possible. "I'm autistic? I'm autistic!" A quite unexpected revelation
And also - things getting harder as I get older - my inability to hold shit together and the frequent meltdowns as a result... Wondering what the living f--k was wrong with me brought me eventually to your videos.
@@James-pnwth Trying to "fit in" with neurotypicals does get much harder as one ages, so more melt downs. However, dropping that masking effort, as much as possible, finding what is true for you, tends to be more relaxing.
@@rjparker2414 exactly what I'm finding And you need a calm space to do it- I've been masking since before I can remember, literally. I've always known I was more "adaptable" than other people. Now I've got a better word for it!
The biggest struggle I face is in communication, both in personal and work situations/relationships. I strive so much to adapt my communication style and be clear and kind with my words. But as I experience it, often the other person isn’t trying so hard and then they get frustrated with me as i seek clarity about what is being asked/expected. I like to monologue my thoughts, and get upset when frequently interrupted when telling a story or answering a question. So I’m trying to give shorter, more to the point answers to facilitate others asking questions, as seems to be their preference and natural communication style. I try to avoid assumptions, but I find others make so many assumptions about me! And then they get mad when I ask them to communicate clearly because they think I’m asking them to “change”- which in a way I am, but not to change their desires, but how they express their desires so my expectations can align better to their expectations and reality.
In work situations my biggest complaint was always everyone expected me to be psychic. If you need me to do 1, 2, 3, & 4. Don't tell me to make sure I get 2 done and X & B. Give me a list of EVERY LAST THING that needs to be freakin' done.
@@noahzinc I just remembered I had a job and asked for clarification on what the manager meant by cleaning the bathrooms. She said I was an idiot but I only ever saw other employees mopping the bathroom. ew... I went to the owner and said I quit. When he asked me why I was quitting I said, "I'm quitting because your manager is a real bitch." He was shocked I said that. He then said no one else ever told him that. I explained I was older (31) than most of the staff (17-22) and not afraid to say it. haha
yessss. sometimes i miss stuff because i misunderstand it because my brain is different than other people and people get upset that you don’t understand it immediately. and yeah im really struggling to communicate properly too. also doesn’t help when you’ve also got adhd and lose your train of thought very easily
I started unmasking and the people closest to me either stopped wanting to hang out with me or told me I'm difficult to be around now, so I have to go back in the closet. When they're used to you always being pleasant and smiling they hate it when you make it awkward for them by being any other way than that, ever. People don't want you to have any problems so they don't have to think about you, and they can just keep thinking about themselves. That's what it seems like to me, anyway.
For several decades I felt like everybody's therapist. Luckily, I found a group of neurodivergent people (mostly autistic) in my mid-30s and at parties when I get overwhelmed they just shut off the music. We also tend to move into pocket groups for discussions because cross-talking is a nightmare for several of us.
This is how it is for me in my family, too, when I realised and self-diagnosed at 59yo. When I disclosed to both with my partner ("why do you want to be autistic, we love you as you are"? 😖) and my closest sibling ("it's ok, I'll still love you anyway" 😣), they reacted as though realising, being, and identifying a autistic is a bad thing and not something anyone should want to be! As though it's some kind of weird, stupid, embarrassing life goal I want to claim.
The first time I went to work without masking I was shocked at how much energy I had left after work. I felt like I could do it all over again without even needing to sleep.
I relate to everything you said. I'm 43 now and still working on getting my "official diagnosis" but I began to realize that maybe I was dealing with autism and ADHD about 2 years ago. And truthfully I totally understand what you mean by feeling like you are being pulled towards your autistic traits more and more as you age. I am so grateful to have found this amazing community and I appreciate you and your shared experiences!
I am 65. I was diagnosed at age 63. I was so happy at first. Finally, I understand a whole lifetime of why I was so different from others. The problem is, there really isn't much help for someone like me. It sent me into a huge serial, relieved on one hand, and sniffled greatly on the other hand. I am so grateful for you and others on UA-cam who have helped me navigate all of this!
Can we just stand for applause for his amazing sense of colour matching? His glasses match the chair and he just goes with this background. I WISH I had this sense of style. My dude, well done. And yeah, the beeping of checkouts feel like an ice pick to the soul.
I am definitely finding it harder to mask at 51 years of age. It's exhausting and I am getting fed up of doing it as well, especially now I know I have autism, I just want to learn to be me and unmask. So far I have only managed to unmask at home with my partner, son and also my mum. Unfortunately it feels too awkward at work yet! Through masking I have managed to 'fake it' through life, it helped me to blend in and seem just like everyone else (even though it was hell in my head and body while doing so), but doing that took a huge toll on my health; mentally with anxiety and depression and CPTSD but also physically with tummy problems, arthritis, early menopause and osteopaenia. Thankfully now I know I have autism I am finally being kinder to myself, allowing more rest and not taking on so many stressful situations. I have learnt to say no to people if I can't do something and make allowances for myself such as buying noise cancelling headphones for work etc.
57 year old autistic here. I have also started to unmask. I am accepted by my wife and daughter and I work at home. One thing I can say is that I have learned more about how the world really works within the last 10 years than in all the previous years of my life. Thank you for your post.
Hi Sarah, I have all of those conditions too…I wondered if I acquired each and every one as a result of masking for so long. You are the first person I have seen to list them all. When did you get your ASD diagnosis, if you don’t mind me asking? At what age? I also started having seizures when I was 31, these were confirmed to be a type of epilepsy (not the other kind) but I am certain all of these things are linked somehow. Any advice appreciated
@@lisahorsfall-buckley2838 Hi Lisa, I only realised I was autistic this year and have the final part of my diagnosis assessment at the end of this month. I definitely think all my other health conditions are linked to my autism. CPTSD is common in autistics due to our problems with processing information and overwhelm. I also have read a few studies that link CPTSD/PTSD with a higher likelyhood of experiencing early menopause, which can then lead to oesteopaenia. Anxiety seems to come hand in hand with autism as we are trying to function in a world that isn't designed with us in mind and then as the anxiety goes on I then get depressed and it can become a cycle.☹️ Someone told me that being in an anxious state all the time causes physical stress on the body and this takes its toll which I believe links into my arthritis. It has been a massive learning curve. I feel like I am waking up and finally understanding myself. I am working on reducing as much stress etc as possible so hopefully start to improve some of my struggles. I hope this answers your questions. 😊 Its been a tough ride after realising I was autistic but I can see positives now and I hope you have found your diagnosis helpful too. My biggest help has been reading, watching and learning about autism and taking out the bits that help me. 😊
@@lisahorsfall-buckley2838 Hi Lisa, I am sorry to hear you have all these too and also seizures. I am no doctor but I have read and watched alot on autism, CPTSD, and mental health as these have all affected me in life. I didn't realise I was autistic till the beginning of this year. I am currently part way through my diagnostic assessment, through the Doctor. I have my final interview at the end of September. I have learnt that CPTSD seems to be common amongst Autistics, it seems to be because of the difficulties we have with processing things and also overwhelm. I also read that studies have shown those with CPTSD/PTSD are up to twice as likely to suffer with early menopause, which in turn has lead to my Osteopaenia. Anxiety seems to go hand in hand with Autism and is something I have always suffered with which has then caused depression and has at times been like a cycle!! Being in a constant state of anxiety does take a toll on our physical health as well which is why I believe I got arthritis quite young too, about 6 years ago. I have to say that learning of my autism has been a tough journey of being relieved as I had answers for all my struggles, then I got quite depressed about it, grieving for all my past struggles and lost oppurtunities but now I am seeing the positives, there is a light.😊 I have found the best ways to help myself are reducing the amount of things I take on, relaxation and mindfulness, taking CBD oil if I am anxious, writing down worries and positives each day to get them out of my head, asking for help which I have never done before but realise I need to, saying no to things I don't want to do, lots of self care so if I have a busy day I then try to have a more restful day. I can definitely cope better with Autism if I have more energy and sleep better.Also reading and learning are a great tool to find ways to help yourself, knowledge is power. I hope you have found positives in your diagnosis too and hope this answer helps..❤
@@lisahorsfall-buckley2838 Hi Lisa, I have twice replied on here to your comment but for some reason my reply keeps disappearing. I answered all your questions but it keeps being removed. I am sorry. I don't know if it's because of what I wrote but I was just telling you my experiences.😟
yes yes yes yes and YES I'm 42 and about to start assessment I definitely struggle with the struggle of struggling to struggle and the struggling of the struggle to articulate the struggles
At one point in my life, I had a job that also entailed participating in social engagements on the weekend. For several weeks in a row, I had something every weekend, often both on Saturday and Sunday: doing things I enjoyed and with people I truly liked. Then one Friday I came home, thought about having another full weekend and broke down in panicked tears in front of my partner. I just couldn't do it anymore. He helped me by cancelling our plans for the weekend. I also reminds me of how my mom would make me take "mental health days" when I got overwhelmed at school. I also really relate to always feeling different. I was also gently teased in school for being weird. The first time I even considered that I might be autistic was when I watched a video from an autistic person who described masking, and my reaction was, "Wait...doesn't everyone do that?"
Everyone does indeed do that. The advantage we NTs have is that we do it "on autopilot", subconsciously, mostly without having to waste an active thought on it. The process is exactly the same, it just doesn't cost us energy.
@Volkbrecht Thank you for this response. I've often tried to figure out why masking is so draining for us when allistics seem to brush masking off as being a mere trifle. They often accuse us of making a mountain out of a molehill, of being overly dramatic, etc. So masking - at least for you, and possibly for many allistics - is automatic, doesn't need to be consciously micromanaged, and isn't exhausting? So when we talk about masking, their experience of it leads to them dismissing our experience of it as false? If it doesn't bother or exhaust them, then it can't possibly bother or exhaust anyone?
I'm 42 and going through an exploration of self-diagnosis. I found for me that things actually got BETTER starting in my late 30s, but I think that's because it was that first time in my life that I was living totally alone and had completely control over my living situation. I'd gone from living with my mom, to living in a dorm, to living with my husband - it wasn't until after our divorce that I was living fully on my own. And it is WONDERFUL. I think when I was living with other people, a part of me was always a little bit on edge, even if they weren't home or were in another room, whereas now I can completely relax and recharge when I'm at home.
Yes, living by myself, and a few non-humans, makes life SO much easier! Totally agree! There's a stress to living with other humans, unknown expectations, perplexing social behaviors, perceived or actual judgements, etc. Finding how/where/ when to be able to "completely relax and recharge" is great.
It was definitely the longer and longer bouts of burnout that provided the impetus to keep seeking an answer. It was a very serendipitous series of events that led me to watch a video much like this one. As soon as I did, it was like all the tumblers lined up, the lock popped open, and I was able to step through the door into the room where all the answers laid. I had thought I had answers so many times before in my life. Depression. Anxiety. Trauma. High Sensitivity. ADHD. Elements of all of them sounded familiar but they never really fit. Autism I instantly recognized. It was amazing. I just instantly understood what it was and that it described my brain exactly. I still have bouts of Imposter Syndrome. Recently I was in a situation where I had to socialize most of the day, every day, for about a week. At one point I said to myself, “you’re doing just fine. Maybe it’s not autism after all.” But now, with the knowledge I have of masking, I could see it. How exhausting and uncomfortable it was to make eye contact. How much I was scrutinizing every twitch, every eye movement, every intonation, every word choice of the person/people I was interacting with. How much I would replay even minor conversations over and over to analyze how I had “performed” and how I always felt concerned I had failed in some way. In the past, I would have white knuckled it through a week like that and it would have landed me into a burnout and an explosion. This time, I insisted we take the accommodations that would allow me to completely remove myself from the group, which I did at different intervals. Spent an entire afternoon alone reading. I excused myself much earlier than I would have previously to go to bed so I could spend an hour or so reading quietly before going to sleep, giving my brain time to offload all the built up stresses of the day. I even removed myself periodically to stim more overtly in a safe place. Now, by the end of the week, I was still totally depleted. Just my husband asking me if I wanted coffee was too much for me and I just sat there, staring into space, unable to even nod. But he understood this time and just poured me one and then sat quietly, not talking to me. He understood when we got home that I needed an entire day to just be in my safe place absorbed in an interest, no talking required, no tasks to complete, no demands of any kind. It’s given me hope that I can continue to be there for the people I care about most without constantly falling into bouts of intense burnout. I have a whole list of things I’ve wanted to learn how to do, projects I’ve wanted to take on that I didn’t before because I knew I would end up frustrated and depleted, but now I know how to navigate such endeavours, how to set up boundaries, how to pre plan a bit (like meal prep so I don’t have to stop to make dinner from scratch). I’ve set up a space in the house that’s just for me and my family understands now that when the sign on the door says “Do Not Disturb” it MEANS do not disturb unless someone is dying or the house is on fire. I feel so optimistic about the future now. And I have finally, mostly, stopped beating myself up for just being who I am with the autistic brain that I have. I love my brain. I wouldn’t change it if I could, even though it comes with a lot of added challenges and pitfalls. I mean, I’m excited by even the little things like finally admitting how freaking uncomfortable and irritating so many of my clothes are and giving myself permission to ONLY buy and wear what is truly going to suit me. I can’t believe how much irritation I was trying to suppress every damn day and how much energy that was taking. I’ll learn how to make my own if I have to (another new skill to learn!!! 😁). I know the hard times are always going to be with me. Knowing I am autistic isn’t going to make those go away. But knowing what is going on is SUCH a relief. I can work with it now that I know what it is. So, thank you for your channel. It’s content like this that, I think, has truly saved me from living the rest of my life in perpetual stages of burnout and guilt and shame and not being able to live to my potential.
Just this week, I got the results from my autism evaluation (the process of which spanned the last 6 months). Instead of autism, they diagnosed me with ADHD "with some autistic traits", apparently because all the questionaires pointed to me being autistic but the in-person interviews did not. The thing is, I relate SO MUCH to the experiences of (high-masking) autistics that it came as a pretty big shock (both to me and a formally diagnosed autistic friend of mine who is sure that I'm just like her) to hear them say that I didn't meet the diagnostic criteria. I now think that I must have still masked a lot in the interview because I'm just so damn used to it... 😔 Videos like this kind of lessen my imposter syndrome, so thank you! ❤
I had the same thing come up with both of my sons. There are certain ideas about the way an autistic person should be. Basically, if the person can have a "normal" conversation they aren't autistic.
I am 45. Late diagnosis at age 30 after two adoptions (Age 2 and 9). I'm probably not the only one... but I find family dinners less and less tolerable the older I get because of needing to mask the entire time, and the absolute dread of feeling completely drained by masking just to appease family who should understand my needs... but don't. As an autistic person... I hate that family is honestly the last place I go when I need support for my autism. So thank you for making videos like this to help spread awareness. Lets hope that as awareness spreads, fewer of us will have to endure unsupportive families and misconceptions about who we are that force us to mask at all. Maybe one day... we'll just be accepted at (blank) face value.
I am blessed to have grown up with cousins who accept me just like I am. I am blessed with my husband who I met and married at 39 years old. I never had a long term relationship before this that lasted over 2-3 years. I have just learned to accept my normal, sometimes I still have to mask, for example my best friends daughter is getting married in November, I have to attend and will slip the mask on the minute I leave for the church. I will need two days to recover.
I was very good at adapting to whatever group I was with, and often mimicking them. I think things started to click for me when I overheard a younger friend say to her boyfriend, "She's copying me!" What really pushed me over the edge was finding my biological family at age 59, finding out that ADD & Autism ran in the family, but then also... finding a video on UA-cam by a young woman who had ADD. I watched her and burst into tears ("ugly crying") because for the first time, I saw someone who was like me. At age 60, I began reading everything I could on autism and add. The relief I felt was amazing. "I'm NOT a bad person! I'm just DIFFERENT!" I also related to the way sounds can irritate. (Your story of the grocery store had me howling with laughter, because .. yes, I can relate. Certain sounds can send me into an inward rage. I forget how I discovered this, but yes, I have misophonia.) The masking gets harder and harder, partly because I have little energy, and partly because I no longer give a damn. The people who truly love me... if they notice my strangeness, they don't comment, but acquaintances? Let's just say that I find some of them angry at me because I don't have the energy to stop things like... staring at them (particularly when a woman my husband and I were seated opposite at a dinner crossed herself before eating and I found that fascinating). Ooopsie. Oh, well. Let's just say that I am grateful for my friends, my "family of choice", and above all, for my husband, who is still coming to grips with finding out along with me, but who gets me and protects me. Loved your video, and always enjoy watching. Peace!
After i lost my (second) last job, i heard whispers that i just 'didn't fit in'. Now i know why. And I found i have a need to try to finish what i was saying even if the conversation has moved on. The bane of my social existence is when something conveniently interrupts and what im saying is no longer relevant! So i try to steer the conversation back to a place where i can finish my train of thought, not always in a very graceful way. Have also noticed that when i speak, i often do it in a slightly halting way. (If im not, then im usually overcompensating with a spiel in a very audhd way.) I've spent the better part of 18 months at home unemployed, during which i lost a grandparent, so i feel like a completely different person.
Found out a few years ago at 45 years old. Everything in the video is very relatable. My additional problem is a lifelong struggle with depression. Unfortunately almost certainly a weakness given through genes.
I relate to your grocery store story. I interpreted my sensory issues as "other people are incredibly rude." I still think people who make loud noises are actively malicious and inconsiderate, even though I probably do it too.
I was diagnosed at 40 and had total collapse and burnout when I was 36. I'm 51 now and care less about masking and also more aware when I'm doing it. I've changed almost everything in my life to find my own way.
What you said about struggling with struggling to figure out what you're masking/camouflaging looks/feels like -- that's exactly where I am right now. So thank you for the validation. I'm 74 years old, and have no doubt been masking my entire life. Combined with an extremely abusive childhood (leading to cPTSD) and depression/anxiety, unmasking my masking feels overwhelming. But I know that I will figure out eventually, partially with the help of your videos, and partially because I work with a trauma-specialist therapist, and because I now know myself well enough to know that I have the persistence I need. And yes, the molten lava really really sucks! Thanks for giving me the opportunity to vent a little...
I was able to mask “successfully” for 60 years, until I was disabled by long covid, and no longer had the energy to mask and burned out. I had to take an early retirement. I haven’t bothered to get a diagnosis for the autism, but over the last two years, I’ve come to realize that I am a high-masking autistic. Thanks so much for making these videos. They are very helpful.
i’ve been looking for months now to sort of get an “idea” for what’s been going on with me. i don’t quite fit the definitions for just about any disorder or condition (at least as far as i’m concerned), but this video is one of a very small number that made me sit back and go “……oh.” it all just makes a lot of sense. thank you for sharing your perspective and helping people like me try to figure out who we need to talk to and where we need to start looking. i’m sure it’s saved a lot of individuals
I'm so glad I found this channel. I have exactly 1 person I feel safe unmasking around, and they are a work colleague, so keeping it all up basically 24/7, it's no wonder I basically sleep my entire days off. Being a functional partner is extremely difficult.
I love you for making this. I'm going to send it to my boss who clearly doesn't understand. I am female, got diagnosed at 54. It can be done if you find the right clinician. Peace ✌️
I didn't realize I was autistic until this year. Your video here was one of many I discovered on UA-cam that helped me self diagnose this about myself. Thanks! Blessings to you an yours, brother.
I find your channel reliably has descriptions of the autistic experience that I relate to most, and I really appreciate the thought and effort that goes into it. Also, Chris, you're hilarious. I am still not officially diagnosed (though have been through a very traumatic attempted diagnosis) but I didn't realize the combination of sensitivity, craving for stability while also having a near complete inability to be consistent, and diagnosis of "chronic fatigue" were autism and ADHD until my early/mid 20's. That's not even that late it and it was still ROUGH to discover it then. I'm currently in an episode of burnout and watching your videos while I try to figure out how to tell student accessibility at my university that I need autism accomodations even though I am not officially diagnosed. What fun. Thanks for your content :)
My 11 year old son was diagnosed with ADHD and autism 5 months ago. He looks forward to these videos and he totally relates to them and finds humor in them as well. It also helps me to understand what is going on in his brain because it opens up conversations, especially when he’s struggling because he can refer back to the video when he can’t explain it.
Parents who not only try to understand their autistic child, but are actually willing to put in time, effort, and energy to do so, who accept and validate their child's experiences, are rarer than you may realise. They're a blessing that many of us didn't/don't have. May you be appreciated as you deserve.
Chris, your videos mean so much to me. As someone with AuDHD, seeing you openly be yourself is incredibly inspiring. Before my diagnosis, I felt so alone in how I experienced and internalized things, but your authenticity makes me feel seen and understood. Thank you for being you!
My entire life I have struggled to find my purpose, as in why I am the way I am and not like everyone else. I learned very young to hide myself from everyone and did this for most of my life. I experienced a burnout when I was in my mid 20s and was given borderline diagnosis of a grocery list of mental health issues that just didn't fit and none of the medications helped at all. During this time I met my wife and crawled out of the mess of myself. After this it became much harder to hide my struggles with everything and felt truly broken. Ten years later I experienced another burnout and it almost cost me everything I held close. Now five years after that I finally got given the missing pieces and the reference to the puzzle that is me. This was being diagnosed with ADHD and ASD at the age of 40. So multiple burnouts led me to where I am but I feel I have a long, long time to go before I can let the mask down, even though it's becoming a true struggle to keep it in place.
For me it was grief. When my father died, of COVID, it broke me. I lost the ability to mask (figuratively, I of course wore my mask literally). It took a long time, and the diagnosis of my children with AuADHD to realize the truth about myself, and that I wasn't just depressed, I wasn't just grieving.
So right on for so much of this for me. My tipping point through which I learned I was autistic started with death of my mom/business partner/best friend. It took me over 2 years to find somewhere that I could get a diagnosis. I’m now 7 months into a waitlist that was estimated to be 9-12 months long. 🤞 Through many YT videos and Embrace Autism website, I’ve learned more about myself and that I’m not alone in thinking how I think. AuDHDers Unite! Recently I’ve struggled with panic attacks. I’ve found that worship/praise music really helps me when I’m in an overwhelmed state. I have to give my worries and cares over to G*d.
Omg. I’m autistic. I told my dr I want to be screened officially. Thank you for your videos 😊 you are like the autism bff we all should have 🙂❤ thanks for all the good work. This realization helps me to not hate myself and understand why I struggle so much socially
I can relate to all of those things and I wish everyone would watch this video! But the ending with the pigeons and the bugs... That is so me so often. 🤣
Hi Chris! Did I tell you I got "Officially" Diagnosed on July 30th? At my age of 58, it was a relief. It gave clarity to my past and will give me grace for myself in the future. Your whole explanation of struggling to explain your struggles resonated with me most. That and finding it harder to mask as we get older. Thanks so much for all the hard work you put into these very informative videos! 😊
Hi Cheryl, congratulations. I was diagnosed last year aged 56... AUDHD. You're right. You get to understand the younger unaware you so much better and stop beating yourself up so much for all your 'mistakes' and weirdness. Give yourself time to work through it all and come to terms with who you really are and maybe don't rush to carry on 'as normal'. If you don't give yourself that time, or if there is no time because life won't seem to let you, it can all come crashing in later on. Speaking from experience here. 😂
@nickpenney4953 Wow, you really get it! I have always felt like I was running out of time and I didn't know why. I was a runner and very competitive. I was always going going going. .then crashing. Thank you for your wise words!!
I'm a nurse where i have to talk to people but i hide my social anxiety. I'd be talking but pinching my skin and fidget with my fingers and i don't think people notice it. One day another nurse came up to me and said i was "besties" with this one family. My god, if only she knew the social anxiety i deal with internally while talking to families. I guess that's my incredible high masking to fit in. Also.....i am completely drained after grocery shopping. I always hated mall lights and grocery store lights even as a kid. I literally pass out at home after groceries. I'm not diagnosed, but i highly suspect i am a high functioning autistic
I'm also a nurse who hates talking to families, and the more of these UA-cam videos I watch the more I suspect I'm also a high-functioning autistic. With stress-induced adhd.
@@hettiesimpson thanks for responding! Apparently i may also have a minor auditory processing issue. When i was a fresh nurse, nurses would tell me to check my hearing because i had a hard time hearing them/following instructions. I had my hearing assessed by an audiologist. He said i have super hero hearing, but my hearing maybe a processing issue. He didn't further test me since i was a functional nurse of 2 years at the time. I went home to read up about processing issues, and bam! I came across autism which highly describes my learning/social difficulties as a child. I believe I've highly masked my difficulties and developed my own strategies to learn/function at school and work. It's been tough though.
I'm a social worker, and I've been told a good one, but will sometimes hide in my car after high intense conversations with clients and colleagues and try to de-stress and hide all kinds of tics.
@@joespencer471 yesssssss. That is totally me!!! Sometimes i hide in the washroom and wash my hands to destress and take a breather from social interactions with people.
Late-ish diagnosed here! (A couple years ago at 23; plus ADHD freshly diagnosed this year). I've come to understand why I struggle, but kind of feel betrayed by my body and brain. It can't handle stress and reacts by punishing me with IBS flares ups amongst other things. 😢 It is hard to come to terms that I can't do life "like everyone else".
Yip burnout got to me and in hindsight I just couldn’t understand why, with the same inputs such as life stressors, work demands, family demands, etc. I reacted to many things very differently, or rather a more intensely than my peers and family and friends. I nearly quit my job two years ago during the whole episode and just needed a release from expectations I can’t meet. It’s still a journey…my mom can’t even understand that I’m autistic and even started to blame herself and thought it’s something she could’ve avoided. Thanks for your videos Chris. Nice to have videos about the ASD experience without it seeming like some new fad and hot new label. After all, it is a challenge.
Yes! I identify with all these points, and meanopause put an extra level of aggh! on them all too. Ive had a few people say to me that ASD doesn't get worse with age, but how you didcribed it here is how I have been feeling it. I've just run out of energy to keep the act up, and that there is no point in trying as it never felt like it worked very well anyway. I am a happy person now, albeit a semi-reclusive odd one 😊
I have an aversion to the term "high masking autistic", even though the term is accurate, because of the reasons you stated. "You don't seem autistic, you don't look autistic, etc." I never had an issue with "Aspergers" because it seemed a little more understood. I know the word is completely out of favor today, and the reasons for this, but the separate word seemed to make things a little easier. Oh, and as I get older, it's much more difficult for me to mask. So exhausting.
I don't think it's out of favor--it's just that as science has advanced, doctors gained a better understanding of autism and reclassified what was formerly known as Asperger's.
@@toaojjc But he did save a lot of children from being exterminated. Being a researcher in Nazi Germany couldn't have been easy. I find being an Aspie as closer, to how I feel/ identify, but now use AuDHD.
@@toaojjc I think that's why the term is out of favour, rather than anything to do with the diagnosis. It seemed to me to be an extremely good description of a lot of my issues and challenges back when I was diagnosed with it, far more than ASD, Level (whatever). And I find the terms "high/low functioning" to be both insulting and imprecise as well. It doesn't take various areas of functionality into account. For example, I've learned to function socially and academically fairly well, but I am useless at housework due to sensory issues and the sysiphisean nature of it all, and I have serious trouble in hierarchical work environments without clear instruction and things to keep my mind engaged and hold off boredom. Fear is not the mind killer, boredom is.
Your videos always hit home on so many levels. Its unfortunate the people that never understood me/things growing up still dont but I just dont care anymore. Being high masking and highly intelligent is both a blessing and a frustration.
I’m glad I had the chance of meeting a clinical psychiatrist at a conference six years ago, and she went through the symptoms and I was saying to myself “that’s me!”. This led onto me being diagnosed as autistic four years ago.
Thank you for your videos. I always want to respond but then i overthink and delete. Over and over. Always been different. Been told i was always "the weird one" in my family. Everything was a struggle but i managed to raise a bunch of fabulous children that are kind and understanding 💙
Thanks for sharing this! It sounds like you have a lot to be proud of with what you’ve done so far ❤️ thanks for your nice words too - and don’t worry, I can understand that urge to say something and then overthink. Part of our neurology! And I don’t know about you - but sometimes I appreciate my own weirdness 😁
Self-diagnosed at 55 and high masking here. (Official diagnosis seems like quite an ordeal, with no benefit to me, so highly unlikely that I’ll ever go for that.) I teach college, which gives me a natural break from ‘performing’ (teaching, attending campus meetings, etc.) every few months during winter and summer break. I think this has saved me from total burnout in the long run. When I didn’t know my weird symptoms were ASD I used to think of burnout periods as a kind of ‘depression’ resulting from the tedium of ‘work’ and that I must be weak or lazy. This year I finally know what’s happening (thank you for your channel 🎉) and now I’m wearing tinted glasses and earplugs (not visible to others) to campus. Not really ‘unmasking’ per se but I think the autistic students with noise-canceling headphones on in the back of class see me and know. Now if there’s a meeting that looks like an unnecessary strain on my nervous system, I skip it and don’t feel ‘lazy’ for doing that. Just smart.
Agree. Teaching had regular breaks for me, too, and that helped a lot. Able to spend time in my room/ office, working, to get time away from the multitudes. Good to find what reduces stress/ strain, and do what works for you - without inner self-flagellation like "I'm lazy", or other internalized NT nonsense. Mandatory meetings were usually dreadful, but I usually found a remote location, by a wall, where I could grade papers while attending meetings (frowned on by admin). Would jot a phrase, or summary sentence, every 5 or 10 minutes, getting presentation's essence. No more brain cells required. Co-workers, who caught on, were always amazed that I could recite the meeting's essence, and participate as needed - they assumed I wasn't paying attention. Unlike them, I had to multi-task to focus, otherwise way too boring. Minimal brain use, but higher return overall.
@@rjparker2414Great meeting suggestion! Mostly I feel that meetings can be easily replaced by an email with all the information in it. And generally those who speak at meetings are people who like to hear themselves talk. Essentials are few and far between, which makes your method very pragmatic. Thank you.
Hey hey buuuuuddy!! You always make my day brighter!! Thank you so much for your content!! I really love the way you explain autism, it’s very relatable and validating!! Blessings, love n hugs to you n yours… 🥰🤗💙🙏
I’ve been trying to figure out why I was so different since I was a child. It was really bad burnout and depression at 44 drove me to get a diagnosis. But another factor was that as I got older I cared less about what other people thought of me. BTW unknowingly unmasking when you don’t know your masking is a very unsettling process.
"Unknowingly unmasking when you don't know you're masking" - you hit the nail on the head. You feel like you're insane when you don't know that's what's happening, plus you feel like you're watching yourself disintegrate/become a totally different person right before your eyes.
I’m sending this to my high masking autistic son (who is 28) and doesn’t believe my autism diagnosis (audhd). I’m hoping it will help. After 6 years of feeling like I failed him because I did not recognize my own (or my own parent’s) or other children’s autism, I want him to help understand this concept. He has an ADHD diagnosis from 2 different doctors when he was child, but because I did not know anything about ADHD then, and there were very few resources in 2000. It was just, give him amphetamines. I didn’t want to give my 4 year old then later I refused medication on his behalf as an 8 year old because I had family members in active addiction so I didn’t want to start him on that path. I had no idea at all what any of it meant. I’m thankful for resources like yours that are available now, it’s so important. He’s just tired of hearing me talk about it, and recently confided in me the day my father died that he didn’t think I had autism, and he didn’t have ADHD. He shouted things like “you’re normal”! I’m not, nor have I ever been, nor do I want to be! And “why do you WANT to be autistic!?!? I don’t have a choice, and I think I’d rather be anyway, but that doesn’t mean I “want” it- it is what it is. “Wanting it” implies I’m faking it. I also got something along the lines of the doctor who diagnosed you was wrong- though I think he use the term “quack”, then doubled down and said so were both of the doctors who diagnosed him. Sigh. By the end of the conversation he changed it to believing in my ADHD part, and thinking maybe we should both get treatment for that. I think he was just saying that because his girlfriend was there agreeing with all the symptoms I was telling him about, and listening as I told him all his childhood signs- and he was being so rude when my father had literally just died that morning. His body was still there, we were just in the living room. It was kinda devastating. I do hope he will watch this, but I’m not holding my breath. I just want to help him, he struggles so much.
I am so sorry for your loss of your dad. I absolutely feel your hurt, especially the accusation of "wanting" to be autistic/adhd, as though it's some weird kind of goal in life to laud over NTs. Honestly, though, I think his lash-outs may be driven by confusion at his own hurt, and pushing back at underlying acknowledgement of an unwanted diagnosis. If he accepts your diagnosis, he has to accept his own. You're on different points of the path: he's not ready to accept, but you are. Give him time, but most of all, be kind to yourself. ❤
@@alisonwhite9588 Thank you for helping me see it that way, I’ll also try to be kind to myself, but that’s one of the most difficult things for me to do. My son and I always been very close (were together every day because neither of us ever left the house!) until he left, right around my diagnosis. I’ve studied and learned so much during this time and as a result I’ve changed, and I think the change for him was startling, maybe upsetting to see me freely be autistic. My health has been really awful and I know he hadn’t seen me in person with silver hair, and no makeup and actual permanent wrinkles. I’ve aged so much and look so visually different since he last saw me 3 years ago and the first thing he said was “Mom, you look OLD!! What happened…..” he went on and on and on until his girlfriend told him that he needed to stop, that it was inappropriate. So, yeah, he detests things being different (as is appropriate!) I saw a whole lot of symptoms in person, and I’d been watching videos of him as a kid, I know I probably overwhelmed him with information about it- he certainly would’ve understood it was an infodump if he understood special interests, if he understood autism. And he didn’t want to talk about it, I see it a little better now, I was also in shock I think at the moment so wasn’t able to control myself very well. know HE wasn’t able to mask appropriately at that moment, it wasn’t sudden but still upsetting- it was his grandpa too, he learned to read between 2-3 years old by sitting in his lap with him reading him the newspaper aloud every morning- so my father could talk to him (and nobody else) about his special interest, politics, and the news. My Dad was so stereotypically Asperger’s it was ridiculous. He had finally accepted and was self identified just in the last few years, my mother, too but with audhd. He was a very important figure his whole life, so I completely empathize- neither of us were in a good place at the moment. We’ve talked about it since then, and he’s agreed to watch a video about it, I overachieved and sent him a (shortish) playlist. 3 from Chris and Debby because his characteristics so mirror my own. 🤞🏼
Chris, I have to say it again, you are the most relateable auDHD UA-camr for me 🙏🏼 This is all so true. I'm 39 and just found out that I'm auDHD as well some months back. Why did I find out? I always felt different, that's why I move abroad to a totally different culture (here I'm expected to be strange). I used to be an extreme people pleaser, but the older I got the more reluctant I got and boom! All my "friends" were gone, because I didn't just do everything for them anymore with nothing in return. I was increasingly struggeling in life. My new life partner started calling me out for a lot of social deficites like oversharing, not participating in conversations and when I do, not letting other people talk etc. I was even in therapy two years ago, but the therapist thought it is childhood trauma. Now I hit a major roadblock and I swear that toothbrush weighs a ton and so does anything else I try to lift. Thank you so much for this video, it couldn't be more aligned with my own experience!
Yup, hit the tipping point early this summer and just couldn't keep pretending. Also, when many women reach about 50, we decide that doing and saying the things we're "supposed" to do and say just isn't worth it anymore. I am recently late self-diagnosed, I learned about masking and thought, hmm ... that might as well go out with all the other shoulds and supposed tos. it's very freeing.
My dad never acknowledged that there was something that I needed more than others with me being autistic. He just said I was a bad kid. So, it means a lot to me, seeing someone just sharing their experience as it is. No sugar coating. It helps me see myself for who I really am.
That outtake/blooper ramble at the end was the most relatable thing! For the last bit about getting diagnosed, I dont even go to burnout, I go to manic psychotic break. A lot of fun. So now, when I'm at home I shake my head to dispell a thought that I shouldn't be dwelling on. When out and about with other people? I have to do some other external stim to distract me from that same type of thought. But it's gotta go! Dunno if that counts as something, but it's the latest thing I noticed that I do.
I've spent my whole life, so far (51 years) masking, by hiding and making myself as invisible as possible, which can be quite difficult as a 6ft 1 female!! I have never been invited (not that I'd go) to a school reunion as no one would remember I was even there. I've tiptoed my way through life leaving hardly a print except in my own home. I home schooled my two children in a glorious world created by ourselves, for ourselves. Now that they've flown the nest, I'm once again hiding myself away from the world.
Find what feeds you, nurtures your soul or inner being. At home, or somewhere else you feel safe. I rarely got invited anywhere, too, and always last person chosen for a team. However, now, I make my own choices, and company (alone, or with a few special humans, or non-humans/ nature). You might find delight then. Hope so.
I have always felt more comfortable in the company of autistic people, but never realised I was likely autistic myself (my husband too), until I had children. We both love our quiet time. The constant barrage of noise and crying is almost unbearable at times. I adore my children, but toddlers don't understand 'mummy needs quiet for a few minutes.' I feel exhausted all of the time. Thank you for validating that everyday, 'normal' life is absolutely exhausting.
Thanks for sharing this! Being an autistic parent must be extra challenging and exhausting - it sounds like for you and your husband, at least you can relate to each other, but I can understand what you mean about the noise (especially after working with kids in schools for many years). The good news is (from our experience at school), as your kids get a bit bigger and more independent, it'll get a bit easier to have some alone time... but until then, hope you're able to get some breaks for yourself too. Do you and your husband take turns giving each other breaks when you need them? Or is it possible to get some occasional help/support from others, like family or a babysitter?
@ChrisandDebby I'm a teacher too (teenagers), so I know they will be more able to understand boundaries as they get older. I can tell that my children are quite noise sensitive too, so I think they will all naturally quieten down as they grow. We do take turns when we can to give each other a break from the noise. I find j can bare the noise better if I have one headphone in because it dulls the sound a bit. Going outside helps a lot because the sound doesn't bounce off the walls and being outside helps me regulate. We have some childcare help, but not a lot. We mostly stay home a lot because at least there isn't additional noise added to our children's noise. Before children we spent a lot of time at home and being out in the world was mostly OK because we could recharge. I melt down every single day now because of the lack of breaks. It's exhausting right now, but it will eventually get better.
O wow. Just wow. I appreciate this so much. And yeah severe burnout. Can we just all get in a room and solve the world's problems? At least a few viable solutions if nothing else. Seriously though just hearing what I would literally explain to someone else is awesome, I appreciate it so much.
oooooooof, heard and felt. the pandemic was the first time i just had to sit with myself for any length of time and realize that i wasn't okay, so then there was the anxiety/depression diagnosis and then the adhd diagnosis and then the autism diagnosis. not that i didn't absolutely love the solitude of lockdown because i live with my family and (generally) like them, but it was also a time when I slowed down enough to realize I'd been running on fumes for years.
Describing my struggles has always been a struggle and I will minimise it as "I'm just tired" 99% of the time. I was dx informally by my psych at the start of 2021 at the age of 35. I'm now 39 and after lockdowns and then moving to permanently working from home... I genuinely struggle with masking now. I still do any time I have to interact with anyone - co-workers, friends, family, etc - but it feels much more draining than it ever used to. I think I've been in burnout so long I don't actually know what it's like to not be. But still, ask me how I'm doing... "I'm ok, just tired."
Omg the clip at the end is me, like all the time. Being deeply annoyed and frustrated with every little big that flys near my face, and (Animals are one of my passions) I’m always pointing and loudly identifying every bird that calls or flys overhead because I was way too old before I realized that wasn’t normal behavior.
I did discover this during autistic burnout. I was displaced due to a housefire. This was just 6 months ago but wow what a six months it has been since! Seems like much more time has passed.
I wish I could get people to understand the amount of exhaustion we experience. My husband comments on me being tired all the time but I don't think he truly understands.
💓💖💗💯👏 I related so much to what you described. I was diagnosed at age 50, super high masking, now 68. Masking has become more and more exhausting, and yet, harder to avoid doing, partly because of habit, and partly because I can run into a lot of trouble from others of my generation who can’t seem to accept that my masking is not the real me.
😂😂 I can relate to all of these. Thank you for making me laugh and making me feel like even though I feel different there are other people out there who feel the same way.
64 and un-diagnosed, stopped masking and socializing in my early 20's. My family refers to me as "The Recluse", we still talk, but they never seem to be interested or curious about why I'm so "reclusive/unsociable"...
One of the hardest things about the post-pandemic world is my driving went away. Before that I had a lot of driving for work, my kids, my parents. I had regular 3 hour trips places and 90 minutes for work 2x week. That was the one environment I had nearly total control over and I miss it so much. It is hard to schedule/justify just going out for long drives but I may have to.
All ditto for me !! I've had to push myself to take and keep "good" jobs, to fit in, to cope with stressful environments, tho others seem to enjoy it, having to sleep 12 hours to recover to then show up at 8 am to answer phones etc, all ending in embarrassing meltdown episodes, this was in the 80s and 9os, never heard of autism, just thought there was something terribly wrong with me. Took several years off due to ptsd and chronic health breakdown only to get back into the workforce again, lasted 10 years in a less hours situation, still ended in embarrassing meltdown,... now assumed life just gives me PTSD, so I spend a lot of time gardening...62 now and forced myself into retirement. I love my sofa ❤❤❤😂😂 Covid lockdown was a blessing to me. So only recently realized I'm probably autistic, and I can see that my overly emotional Dad was probably too.
Yeah, this is exactly it. I felt like I was different my whole life, but I didn't know why, and I became very obsessed with not wanting people to know that I was odd and not like everyone else. So I copy and pasted behaviors, said the types of things I heard other people say, and monitored everything I did and said with an internal monologue, hoping I was coming off normal, at least to some extent. And I somehow convinced myself I was enjoying it, mainly because I gaslit myself about my problems. "No one else seems to struggle like I do, no one else seems bothered by the bright lights in here or seems to get exhausted 10 minutes into a conversation like I do. I must be making it up. I must just be weak or lazy or something. I mean, I'm enjoying this, right?" But now that I've learned I'm autistic, it is a whole journey of learning how to unmask, and who the hell I even am behind the mask. Anyways this is a rant, but I enjoyed the video.
In my mid-40s I developed chronic pain as a result of a severely prolapsed disc, and this lasted ten years until it was fixed in 2018 by burning out some nerves in my spine. It was then an upward trend until 2022, when I developed Long Covid. And you know what's great about both those conditions (plus the recovery period in between)? I have the perfect reason to take myself off at any point and go and lie down alone! And it's only since investigating my autism I've realised how often my reasons for doing so have nothing to do with chronic pain or Long Covid...
Another fun video :) Thank your for clarifying the high-masking vs high-functioning. It still makes it hard to distinguish between the kind of autism shown in a film like Rain Man, and someone like me though. I'm going to just say my opinion which may not be popular, but I feel like saying that autism is on a spectrum is a bit of a cop-out personally - it may help diagnostics and researchers but it doesn't help us, the actual people living with it, when we want a term or terms to express what our needs actually are in day to day life to the people that interact with us, when our traits and needs are sooo varied in spectrum and degree for each of us. On another note, I realised I must be autistic when two separate people who had known me for a while suggested that I could be. I especially began to notice traits, during and after the lockdowns, which was immensely difficult for me. Despite being autistic, I feel happy being social in my own way too, and I realised it affected my mental health really badly when my usual habit of going to sit in a cafe was disturbed, and I couldn't go to sit among people for several months.During this time I developed panic attacks and realised that my sensitivity to everything was soo disturbed that I couldn't go out without headphones playing opera music - that was the only thing that could keep me calm for months. That's when I started to realise that until then I had had the same sensitivities all this time, but had just not been acknowledging them.
Yes, it feels like being in a snowstorm with bare feet and in a nightgown ( I only wear comfy pants and a t-shirt for sleeping. Nightgowns are a nightmare). Also, it is like having a manual transmission. Changing gears takes several cognitive steps.
If you're a high masking autistic adult, what is your experience? What else would you add to this list of things you would like other people to know about your unique challenges and how you deal with them? ⤵ Share your thoughts, ideas, and questions!
I would add the awkwardness of being asked about a special interest in casual conversation and then unloading an encyclopedia of info on the topic before suddenly realizing that the other person has completely zoned out. For years I would get carried away talking about something and then wonder why I did that. I spent way too much time beating myself up about being annoying or awkward.
The amount of preprocessing (planning/scripting every concievable option), processing during social occasions (are we still on one of the scripts/what does their bodylanguage say/how do I keep my face and body/how should I react/s*#'t what did they say/how do I steer this back to scripted terotories?/try to make sort of eye contact/...) and of course the second by second replay with thorough analysis of what went wrong as you lay exhaused in your bed after a social get together.
Mastering camouflaging/chameleon for decades to the point where I lost all identity. Then I hit a MAJOR burnout! Then, I got diagnosed, also at 41.
I have always felt like an alien on this planet. I only really feel not so alien when I'm out in nature with no other people around. I even told people I was part alien when I was a kid even when I was 17. I'm 41, now, and only while researching what to expect from my autistic daughter as she gets older have I realized I'm also autistic. I'm currently waiting for my evaluation from the psychologist to get my diagnosis so I can get some help for the first time in my life; adults are not a priority, though, even though we should be just as important to evaluate and get help for as children are since we're the ones who are supposed to be out in the work fields. My mom never wanted her only daughter to have problems, though, (even though I was noticeably worse off than my youngest brother who has ADHD), she just wanted me to be the "problem child" so she had someone to blame for all her problems. And here I am, long grown up with my youngest child at 14, and realizing if only my mom had not wanted me to be her enemy all my life (she is 100% clinically a Narcissist), I could have actually gotten help and not had to drop out of school at age 7 AND at 15 AND only four months into college AND had to quit each job I've ever held after 2-4 months. Getting help to keep a job is a vital skill I just don't have, and it could have changed my life forever. But my mom couldn't stand the fact that her only daughter, who not only didn't want to be just like her, had severe struggles in school and jobs and socially. I feel very cheated out of life all because so many people have such a negative outlook on anyone needing any sort of help to adjust.
@@homesteadgamer1257 Wow, I identified so much with nearly all of what you wrote. I often said I was from Mars... definitely felt like an alien all my life. An only (non-binary, biologically female) child, with an angry abusive narcissist mother; I suspect autism often skips generations, and the ones in between may be narcissistic or other neurodiversity.
School and jobs were often hell, and filled with perplexing moments. Had over 50 jobs, but hey, I learned a lot of skills. Gladly, I've been retired a while - head trauma ended substitute teaching ability. Healed, but then got social security. So much better being able to spend time in nature now, with non-humans and plants. Very healing, restorative. Can't handle crowds, so don't.
Diagnosed nearly 2 years ago, by my C-PTSD therapist, at age 68. Changed my life, more makes sense, I'm at rest with myself overall. Educational UA-cam videos, and books, on AuDHD are truly a gift, to help understand, and gradually accept myself. I now think autism/ ADHD is a nature's genetic experiment, or variation, of ways to improve humanity. We certainly think more clearly, simply, deeply, when left to our own devices (or so it seems).
I love Chris' videos, and this one resonated on so many levels.
One thing I loved about covid and really miss is just the time at home away from people. I think I could be locked in my room for months, basic needs included, and thrive.
Me, too. I loved the masks because no one could see me, and I didn’t have to fake smile at anyone.
I so relate to the adapting to different conversations and groups. I don't feel like anyone I know really knows me. They know the version of me that I put on around them. I think only two people in my life have ever really seen the real me.
I relate to this. I feel like I worked so hard to adapt that I don't even know what is me and what is the mask. What is the point to do that if people talk with someone that does exist?
I'm not even sure who the real me is - I only realised a couple of months ago I've been masking for 46 years. I don't know what's me and what's the mask.
I am also discovering my true self after self diagnose and few days after I knew, I have adhd and autism, symptoms intensified a lot. The first days made me feel imposter syndrome, because in the evening, the symptoms got less, bot every morning, I experience my 100 tornados inside my brain.
I learned to love and accept them really fast, but it is exhausting and I have to find out, how to earn money because I had to quit my job a few days after this transition, because I now could feel, that It always overwhelmed me. I always suppressed these emotions and now, they are so loud.
This is a chance, to change my life, but I have no choice and there is so much to do and my adhd does not accelerate progress but I am very confident, that I will find my Way 😊
This... After years of being a chameleon I found myself wondering who am I? I never felt like I fit in anywhere. I felt alone even when I was around people. No one really knew or understood me.
@@samcroriesame same....
I’m 40, and I figured out I’m autistic around the age of 35. Once I learned what masking was and realized I was doing it I stopped almost all masking immediately. I know I come across a lot less social and bubbly now, but god damn it I’m more comfortable. I refuse to make myself uncomfortable for the sake of others. Could you imagine if we made neurotypicals act like us? “Excuse me, sir, but you’re making direct eye contact with me and you’re beating around the bush. Could you stop being rude and just get to the point?”
I actually told people exactly that 😂😂😂
As someone undiagnosed but looking into it… these things would definitely explain why I spent most of my working years (SAHM now) doing graveyard shift jobs where I worked completely alone. 😂 I went back to university and did NOT do well in job interviews. Apparently interviewers are put off when you answer hypothetical questions involving lunches with coworkers with “I don’t engage socially outside of work with coworkers because it leads to drama.” 👀
…but it DOES lead to drama!
@@faeriesmak But that's what NTs thrive on, it seems. How boring! As I often say, "if I wanted soap operas, I can watch TV, I don't need to live them."
My hyperempathy + lack of real understanding of non-autistic people makes all drama become a storm in, like, a shotglass. It's awful! Hurts me inside so much.
OMG. The grocery store analogy!!!
Right?!❤
Grocery stores are deliberately designed for maximum sensory overload, and nobody can convince me otherwise. They also deliberately pick the worst music to play just loud enough to trigger a migraine, especially combined with those damn fluorescent lights. Hell is a grocery store.
Sometimes when I’m at a store like that I think about what it would be like to work there. I am fortunate to have other options.
I've always thought I was a just massive introvert who was scared and/or hated social events. I would force myself to go to social events when I had too or when people told me it's what we do. I never understood what I was supposed to do and I already tried to hide and wait it out, stay with the person I trusted the most, or drew into myself and inwardly hid. I didn't know what was wrong with me no matter how much I searched but finally finding videos of autism, everything is making sense I don't have every symptom you or anyone else does but I have at least half
About 2 month ago I had a breakdown of some sort and I couldn't go out in public without it starting to happen and it's very painful, I feel like I'm dying. But once I get back to my van it starts going away. I cannot go outside without my husband, that's also why I thought I had that not able to leave the house thing.
And I feel horrible because I know I don't have a hard life and my husband is amazing to me. But everything is so difficult to me, I get so overwhelmed by the most simple things that I see others doing easily.
Don't feel badly, it isn't your fault. God loves you so much and has a purpose for everything that happens in your life! You are cherished and special 💝💕
I'm a high-masking, late-diagnosed woman on the Autism Spectrum. I still find myself going through masking to survive and exist.
This video hit hard.
My therapist (who is also Autistic and is helping me manage) said that I'm going through burnout after a month of high masking.
I've barely recovered from several burnouts.
Hang in there. Find what helps you heal, relax, restore, come to balance. For me it's spending time in nature, greenery, and with various non-humans. Once you don't have to be in a work environment - which always seems to require extensive masking - you can relax more, and just be yourself. Great you have a good therapist. Mine was very supportive, and identified my autism. Changed my life for the better.
So glad you've gotten to a place where you noticed you need to recover and (dont know if it's the right word but I'm going with it) heal! We all need understanding and equipped people like that.
Absolutely!
YES! Diagnosed at 43 myself, and a big reason for that was the complete burnout/breakdown I experienced at 40. It felt so cliché, but it was absolutely due to not being able to handle what I now know as masking for so long. Not just masking, though, but the constant role playing/role switching because I didn't know who I was and couldn't make sense of why I struggled so much. So, age is definitely a factor in why it's so difficult to keep masking. Plus, I did it for so long, I just don't want to anymore. I want to be free, even if it means a bunch of people won't like me 🙂
I’m in the same boat as you brother I didn’t realize I was a high functioning autistic until I found out so much information on psychology and then Neurodiversity and issues with being able to understand stuff kind of went through like aimlessly masking unaware and then eventually I kind of woke up because of burnoutafter that, I just tried to do the best I could after having two autistic boys and then looking back and wondering why my grandmother was a little off finding out that she was probably autistic because they said she was retarded back then if they were trigger somebody and then my dad and he didn’t certain things he was high functioning
I totally understand this. I’m 55 and realized I was autistic last year. I’ve been an elementary school teacher her for 26 of those years…obviously masking the whole time. (Pencils dropping NONSTOP and little kids calling my name constantly..bells ringing, being interrupted….all tough for an allistic person…just imagine my brain on fire after a couple hours everyday!) I’m exhausted and considering a larvae of absence to figure out who I am and heal all this constant sensory trauma I’m experiencing.
I related to being diagnosed after burnout. I realised something was going on when our first four week lock down happened, and i felt free for the first time in my life. No one bothering me with work interruptions, everyone kept their distance on walks outside. I just spent 4 weeks concentrating on one sculpture and it was heaven. Then the world came crashing back and i lost my ability to cope with it. Full burnout. Then diagnosis.
I always hate saying this but the Covid pandemic was the best thing that happened to me. I wanna go back to everyone staying home.
Same. I was never able to relate to "How horrible it was to always be alone."
For me it was like the world had finally caught up to my speed, instead of continuously forcing me to speed up uncontrollably.
Going back to "normal" was what caused me to start having more and more meltdowns. Although I still didn't know that's what was happening, I thought I was just becoming "extra lazy".
During the shutdown I sheltered in place with my best friend and her mother. The tragedies, deaths, shortages of medicines, etc were not fun. But the sense of freedom, noone around, the streets quiet, pollution reduced, minimal shopping or outings with mostly no contact deliveries - bloody awesome! No noise. No hustle or bustle. No constant meeting people, fake smiles, eye contact, being 'on'. Peace at last. If only we could have that without a pandemic it'd be heaven.
I can relate to this, especially that I experienced burnout before covid and had to over extent myself for couple years because well, you didn't have much choices. Covid happened, the world in lockdown for couple years, THAT'S when I started recovering from shutdown. And thanks to technology advancement, I grew my career and earned paychecks by myself while recovering.
4 years after lockdown, I finally go back to "normal life" and I can't say how hard it is to keep up with daily jobs all the time while unable to regulate without the fear of getting caught, or seeing how late I am compared to peers around or younger than my age. I never get my official diagnosis, but I know what I'm struggling at yet never be able to say that because you don't feel safe being yourself around neurotypicals, even neurotypical family members.
But because I had shutdown before and found out what kind of situation that allow me to recover, deep down I know I might not last long in normal operating world. One day I found a good place to settle and never come back here.....
All of these apply to me. My tipping point was when I went back to work in a high stress field after having been laid off for several months and my brain couldn’t do it anymore at all. Finally found out 2 years later on my 39th birthday that I most likely had autism all my life and never knew it. I am working on changing my lifestyle to better fit the way my brain works.
i feel this. i’m going back to an individual contributor job because i can do that .
I’m in my 60s and just diagnosed as high masking autistic. It was major burnout that lead to my diagnosis. A high stress corporate job, divorce, and trying to finish another educational degree lead to hitting a wall physically, emotionally, and the mask fell apart. What a relief to finally understand why I’ve struggled to “fit” my entire life. And it does get harder to maintain the mask the older I get.
I'm nearly 54 and have uncovered my autism through the process of my child's diagnosis around 5 years ago. It's been a bumpy road, accepting my self diagnosis...I've taken multiple self assessment tests that have all stated that I display very high correlational behaviors with ASD. I'm also ADHD...I am comforted by hearing that aging makes masking more difficult, plus the myriad of caveats...imposter syndrome is a serious problem for me, but I'm slowly accepting this reality.
59 years old and between Irene at thought spot and you Chris, I felt understood and self-explained in a way that I hadn't even expected possible. "I'm autistic? I'm autistic!"
A quite unexpected revelation
And also - things getting harder as I get older - my inability to hold shit together and the frequent meltdowns as a result... Wondering what the living f--k was wrong with me brought me eventually to your videos.
@@James-pnwth Trying to "fit in" with neurotypicals does get much harder as one ages, so more melt downs. However, dropping that masking effort, as much as possible, finding what is true for you, tends to be more relaxing.
@@rjparker2414 exactly what I'm finding
And you need a calm space to do it- I've been masking since before I can remember, literally.
I've always known I was more "adaptable" than other people.
Now I've got a better word for it!
@@James-pnwth Cool. Agree completely! 😄👍
The biggest struggle I face is in communication, both in personal and work situations/relationships. I strive so much to adapt my communication style and be clear and kind with my words. But as I experience it, often the other person isn’t trying so hard and then they get frustrated with me as i seek clarity about what is being asked/expected. I like to monologue my thoughts, and get upset when frequently interrupted when telling a story or answering a question. So I’m trying to give shorter, more to the point answers to facilitate others asking questions, as seems to be their preference and natural communication style. I try to avoid assumptions, but I find others make so many assumptions about me! And then they get mad when I ask them to communicate clearly because they think I’m asking them to “change”- which in a way I am, but not to change their desires, but how they express their desires so my expectations can align better to their expectations and reality.
In work situations my biggest complaint was always everyone expected me to be psychic. If you need me to do 1, 2, 3, & 4. Don't tell me to make sure I get 2 done and X & B. Give me a list of EVERY LAST THING that needs to be freakin' done.
@@deirdrestatham5730 preach!
“Why didn’t you do Y?” “Because I didn’t know I needed to do Y.” (Usually in head): “You didn’t tell me.”
@@noahzinc I just remembered I had a job and asked for clarification on what the manager meant by cleaning the bathrooms. She said I was an idiot but I only ever saw other employees mopping the bathroom. ew...
I went to the owner and said I quit. When he asked me why I was quitting I said, "I'm quitting because your manager is a real bitch." He was shocked I said that. He then said no one else ever told him that. I explained I was older (31) than most of the staff (17-22) and not afraid to say it. haha
yessss. sometimes i miss stuff because i misunderstand it because my brain is different than other people and people get upset that you don’t understand it immediately. and yeah im really struggling to communicate properly too. also doesn’t help when you’ve also got adhd and lose your train of thought very easily
I started unmasking and the people closest to me either stopped wanting to hang out with me or told me I'm difficult to be around now, so I have to go back in the closet. When they're used to you always being pleasant and smiling they hate it when you make it awkward for them by being any other way than that, ever. People don't want you to have any problems so they don't have to think about you, and they can just keep thinking about themselves. That's what it seems like to me, anyway.
I totally relate
When that happened, I started to seek out new friends. Not easy to do at 60! But I'm finding "my people. "
For several decades I felt like everybody's therapist. Luckily, I found a group of neurodivergent people (mostly autistic) in my mid-30s and at parties when I get overwhelmed they just shut off the music. We also tend to move into pocket groups for discussions because cross-talking is a nightmare for several of us.
It definitely seems like that's how they want it.
This is how it is for me in my family, too, when I realised and self-diagnosed at 59yo. When I disclosed to both with my partner ("why do you want to be autistic, we love you as you are"? 😖) and my closest sibling ("it's ok, I'll still love you anyway" 😣), they reacted as though realising, being, and identifying a autistic is a bad thing and not something anyone should want to be! As though it's some kind of weird, stupid, embarrassing life goal I want to claim.
The first time I went to work without masking I was shocked at how much energy I had left after work. I felt like I could do it all over again without even needing to sleep.
I relate to everything you said. I'm 43 now and still working on getting my "official diagnosis" but I began to realize that maybe I was dealing with autism and ADHD about 2 years ago. And truthfully I totally understand what you mean by feeling like you are being pulled towards your autistic traits more and more as you age. I am so grateful to have found this amazing community and I appreciate you and your shared experiences!
@ChrisandDebby.2 how do I do that,
I am 65. I was diagnosed at age 63. I was so happy at first. Finally, I understand a whole lifetime of why I was so different from others. The problem is, there really isn't much help for someone like me. It sent me into a huge serial, relieved on one hand, and sniffled greatly on the other hand. I am so grateful for you and others on UA-cam who have helped me navigate all of this!
Can we just stand for applause for his amazing sense of colour matching? His glasses match the chair and he just goes with this background. I WISH I had this sense of style. My dude, well done.
And yeah, the beeping of checkouts feel like an ice pick to the soul.
Struggling to articulate the struggle is a daily struggle but videos like this help. Thank you ❤
I am definitely finding it harder to mask at 51 years of age. It's exhausting and I am getting fed up of doing it as well, especially now I know I have autism, I just want to learn to be me and unmask. So far I have only managed to unmask at home with my partner, son and also my mum. Unfortunately it feels too awkward at work yet! Through masking I have managed to 'fake it' through life, it helped me to blend in and seem just like everyone else (even though it was hell in my head and body while doing so), but doing that took a huge toll on my health; mentally with anxiety and depression and CPTSD but also physically with tummy problems, arthritis, early menopause and osteopaenia. Thankfully now I know I have autism I am finally being kinder to myself, allowing more rest and not taking on so many stressful situations. I have learnt to say no to people if I can't do something and make allowances for myself such as buying noise cancelling headphones for work etc.
57 year old autistic here. I have also started to unmask. I am accepted by my wife and daughter and I work at home. One thing I can say is that I have learned more about how the world really works within the last 10 years than in all the previous years of my life. Thank you for your post.
Hi Sarah, I have all of those conditions too…I wondered if I acquired each and every one as a result of masking for so long. You are the first person I have seen to list them all. When did you get your ASD diagnosis, if you don’t mind me asking? At what age? I also started having seizures when I was 31, these were confirmed to be a type of epilepsy (not the other kind) but I am certain all of these things are linked somehow. Any advice appreciated
@@lisahorsfall-buckley2838 Hi Lisa, I only realised I was autistic this year and have the final part of my diagnosis assessment at the end of this month. I definitely think all my other health conditions are linked to my autism. CPTSD is common in autistics due to our problems with processing information and overwhelm. I also have read a few studies that link CPTSD/PTSD with a higher likelyhood of experiencing early menopause, which can then lead to oesteopaenia. Anxiety seems to come hand in hand with autism as we are trying to function in a world that isn't designed with us in mind and then as the anxiety goes on I then get depressed and it can become a cycle.☹️ Someone told me that being in an anxious state all the time causes physical stress on the body and this takes its toll which I believe links into my arthritis. It has been a massive learning curve. I feel like I am waking up and finally understanding myself. I am working on reducing as much stress etc as possible so hopefully start to improve some of my struggles. I hope this answers your questions. 😊 Its been a tough ride after realising I was autistic but I can see positives now and I hope you have found your diagnosis helpful too. My biggest help has been reading, watching and learning about autism and taking out the bits that help me. 😊
@@lisahorsfall-buckley2838 Hi Lisa, I am sorry to hear you have all these too and also seizures. I am no doctor but I have read and watched alot on autism, CPTSD, and mental health as these have all affected me in life. I didn't realise I was autistic till the beginning of this year. I am currently part way through my diagnostic assessment, through the Doctor. I have my final interview at the end of September. I have learnt that CPTSD seems to be common amongst Autistics, it seems to be because of the difficulties we have with processing things and also overwhelm. I also read that studies have shown those with CPTSD/PTSD are up to twice as likely to suffer with early menopause, which in turn has lead to my Osteopaenia. Anxiety seems to go hand in hand with Autism and is something I have always suffered with which has then caused depression and has at times been like a cycle!! Being in a constant state of anxiety does take a toll on our physical health as well which is why I believe I got arthritis quite young too, about 6 years ago. I have to say that learning of my autism has been a tough journey of being relieved as I had answers for all my struggles, then I got quite depressed about it, grieving for all my past struggles and lost oppurtunities but now I am seeing the positives, there is a light.😊 I have found the best ways to help myself are reducing the amount of things I take on, relaxation and mindfulness, taking CBD oil if I am anxious, writing down worries and positives each day to get them out of my head, asking for help which I have never done before but realise I need to, saying no to things I don't want to do, lots of self care so if I have a busy day I then try to have a more restful day. I can definitely cope better with Autism if I have more energy and sleep better.Also reading and learning are a great tool to find ways to help yourself, knowledge is power. I hope you have found positives in your diagnosis too and hope this answer helps..❤
@@lisahorsfall-buckley2838 Hi Lisa, I have twice replied on here to your comment but for some reason my reply keeps disappearing. I answered all your questions but it keeps being removed. I am sorry. I don't know if it's because of what I wrote but I was just telling you my experiences.😟
yes yes yes yes and YES
I'm 42 and about to start assessment
I definitely struggle with the struggle of struggling to struggle and the struggling of the struggle to articulate the struggles
This is the most relatable video ever. I have no diagnosis but sometimes you just know. Love this video so much.
At one point in my life, I had a job that also entailed participating in social engagements on the weekend. For several weeks in a row, I had something every weekend, often both on Saturday and Sunday: doing things I enjoyed and with people I truly liked. Then one Friday I came home, thought about having another full weekend and broke down in panicked tears in front of my partner. I just couldn't do it anymore. He helped me by cancelling our plans for the weekend. I also reminds me of how my mom would make me take "mental health days" when I got overwhelmed at school.
I also really relate to always feeling different. I was also gently teased in school for being weird. The first time I even considered that I might be autistic was when I watched a video from an autistic person who described masking, and my reaction was, "Wait...doesn't everyone do that?"
Everyone does indeed do that. The advantage we NTs have is that we do it "on autopilot", subconsciously, mostly without having to waste an active thought on it. The process is exactly the same, it just doesn't cost us energy.
@Volkbrecht Thank you for this response. I've often tried to figure out why masking is so draining for us when allistics seem to brush masking off as being a mere trifle. They often accuse us of making a mountain out of a molehill, of being overly dramatic, etc.
So masking - at least for you, and possibly for many allistics - is automatic, doesn't need to be consciously micromanaged, and isn't exhausting? So when we talk about masking, their experience of it leads to them dismissing our experience of it as false? If it doesn't bother or exhaust them, then it can't possibly bother or exhaust anyone?
I'm 42 and going through an exploration of self-diagnosis. I found for me that things actually got BETTER starting in my late 30s, but I think that's because it was that first time in my life that I was living totally alone and had completely control over my living situation. I'd gone from living with my mom, to living in a dorm, to living with my husband - it wasn't until after our divorce that I was living fully on my own. And it is WONDERFUL. I think when I was living with other people, a part of me was always a little bit on edge, even if they weren't home or were in another room, whereas now I can completely relax and recharge when I'm at home.
Yes, living by myself, and a few non-humans, makes life SO much easier!
Totally agree! There's a stress to living with other humans, unknown expectations, perplexing social behaviors, perceived or actual judgements, etc.
Finding how/where/ when to be able to "completely relax and recharge" is great.
It was definitely the longer and longer bouts of burnout that provided the impetus to keep seeking an answer. It was a very serendipitous series of events that led me to watch a video much like this one. As soon as I did, it was like all the tumblers lined up, the lock popped open, and I was able to step through the door into the room where all the answers laid. I had thought I had answers so many times before in my life. Depression. Anxiety. Trauma. High Sensitivity. ADHD. Elements of all of them sounded familiar but they never really fit. Autism I instantly recognized. It was amazing. I just instantly understood what it was and that it described my brain exactly. I still have bouts of Imposter Syndrome. Recently I was in a situation where I had to socialize most of the day, every day, for about a week. At one point I said to myself, “you’re doing just fine. Maybe it’s not autism after all.” But now, with the knowledge I have of masking, I could see it. How exhausting and uncomfortable it was to make eye contact. How much I was scrutinizing every twitch, every eye movement, every intonation, every word choice of the person/people I was interacting with. How much I would replay even minor conversations over and over to analyze how I had “performed” and how I always felt concerned I had failed in some way. In the past, I would have white knuckled it through a week like that and it would have landed me into a burnout and an explosion. This time, I insisted we take the accommodations that would allow me to completely remove myself from the group, which I did at different intervals. Spent an entire afternoon alone reading. I excused myself much earlier than I would have previously to go to bed so I could spend an hour or so reading quietly before going to sleep, giving my brain time to offload all the built up stresses of the day. I even removed myself periodically to stim more overtly in a safe place. Now, by the end of the week, I was still totally depleted. Just my husband asking me if I wanted coffee was too much for me and I just sat there, staring into space, unable to even nod. But he understood this time and just poured me one and then sat quietly, not talking to me. He understood when we got home that I needed an entire day to just be in my safe place absorbed in an interest, no talking required, no tasks to complete, no demands of any kind. It’s given me hope that I can continue to be there for the people I care about most without constantly falling into bouts of intense burnout. I have a whole list of things I’ve wanted to learn how to do, projects I’ve wanted to take on that I didn’t before because I knew I would end up frustrated and depleted, but now I know how to navigate such endeavours, how to set up boundaries, how to pre plan a bit (like meal prep so I don’t have to stop to make dinner from scratch). I’ve set up a space in the house that’s just for me and my family understands now that when the sign on the door says “Do Not Disturb” it MEANS do not disturb unless someone is dying or the house is on fire. I feel so optimistic about the future now. And I have finally, mostly, stopped beating myself up for just being who I am with the autistic brain that I have. I love my brain. I wouldn’t change it if I could, even though it comes with a lot of added challenges and pitfalls. I mean, I’m excited by even the little things like finally admitting how freaking uncomfortable and irritating so many of my clothes are and giving myself permission to ONLY buy and wear what is truly going to suit me. I can’t believe how much irritation I was trying to suppress every damn day and how much energy that was taking. I’ll learn how to make my own if I have to (another new skill to learn!!! 😁). I know the hard times are always going to be with me. Knowing I am autistic isn’t going to make those go away. But knowing what is going on is SUCH a relief. I can work with it now that I know what it is. So, thank you for your channel. It’s content like this that, I think, has truly saved me from living the rest of my life in perpetual stages of burnout and guilt and shame and not being able to live to my potential.
Just this week, I got the results from my autism evaluation (the process of which spanned the last 6 months). Instead of autism, they diagnosed me with ADHD "with some autistic traits", apparently because all the questionaires pointed to me being autistic but the in-person interviews did not. The thing is, I relate SO MUCH to the experiences of (high-masking) autistics that it came as a pretty big shock (both to me and a formally diagnosed autistic friend of mine who is sure that I'm just like her) to hear them say that I didn't meet the diagnostic criteria. I now think that I must have still masked a lot in the interview because I'm just so damn used to it... 😔 Videos like this kind of lessen my imposter syndrome, so thank you! ❤
I had the same thing come up with both of my sons. There are certain ideas about the way an autistic person should be. Basically, if the person can have a "normal" conversation they aren't autistic.
Specialists often are not very special (as in they are not very perceptive)
I am 45. Late diagnosis at age 30 after two adoptions (Age 2 and 9). I'm probably not the only one... but I find family dinners less and less tolerable the older I get because of needing to mask the entire time, and the absolute dread of feeling completely drained by masking just to appease family who should understand my needs... but don't. As an autistic person... I hate that family is honestly the last place I go when I need support for my autism. So thank you for making videos like this to help spread awareness. Lets hope that as awareness spreads, fewer of us will have to endure unsupportive families and misconceptions about who we are that force us to mask at all. Maybe one day... we'll just be accepted at (blank) face value.
I am blessed to have grown up with cousins who accept me just like I am. I am blessed with my husband who I met and married at 39 years old. I never had a long term relationship before this that lasted over 2-3 years. I have just learned to accept my normal, sometimes I still have to mask, for example my best friends daughter is getting married in November, I have to attend and will slip the mask on the minute I leave for the church. I will need two days to recover.
I was very good at adapting to whatever group I was with, and often mimicking them. I think things started to click for me when I overheard a younger friend say to her boyfriend, "She's copying me!" What really pushed me over the edge was finding my biological family at age 59, finding out that ADD & Autism ran in the family, but then also... finding a video on UA-cam by a young woman who had ADD. I watched her and burst into tears ("ugly crying") because for the first time, I saw someone who was like me. At age 60, I began reading everything I could on autism and add. The relief I felt was amazing. "I'm NOT a bad person! I'm just DIFFERENT!" I also related to the way sounds can irritate. (Your story of the grocery store had me howling with laughter, because .. yes, I can relate. Certain sounds can send me into an inward rage. I forget how I discovered this, but yes, I have misophonia.) The masking gets harder and harder, partly because I have little energy, and partly because I no longer give a damn. The people who truly love me... if they notice my strangeness, they don't comment, but acquaintances? Let's just say that I find some of them angry at me because I don't have the energy to stop things like... staring at them (particularly when a woman my husband and I were seated opposite at a dinner crossed herself before eating and I found that fascinating). Ooopsie. Oh, well. Let's just say that I am grateful for my friends, my "family of choice", and above all, for my husband, who is still coming to grips with finding out along with me, but who gets me and protects me. Loved your video, and always enjoy watching. Peace!
After i lost my (second) last job, i heard whispers that i just 'didn't fit in'. Now i know why. And I found i have a need to try to finish what i was saying even if the conversation has moved on. The bane of my social existence is when something conveniently interrupts and what im saying is no longer relevant! So i try to steer the conversation back to a place where i can finish my train of thought, not always in a very graceful way. Have also noticed that when i speak, i often do it in a slightly halting way. (If im not, then im usually overcompensating with a spiel in a very audhd way.) I've spent the better part of 18 months at home unemployed, during which i lost a grandparent, so i feel like a completely different person.
Found out a few years ago at 45 years old. Everything in the video is very relatable.
My additional problem is a lifelong struggle with depression. Unfortunately almost certainly a weakness given through genes.
I relate to your grocery store story.
I interpreted my sensory issues as "other people are incredibly rude."
I still think people who make loud noises are actively malicious and inconsiderate, even though I probably do it too.
I was diagnosed at 40 and had total collapse and burnout when I was 36. I'm 51 now and care less about masking and also more aware when I'm doing it. I've changed almost everything in my life to find my own way.
What you said about struggling with struggling to figure out what you're masking/camouflaging looks/feels like -- that's exactly where I am right now. So thank you for the validation. I'm 74 years old, and have no doubt been masking my entire life. Combined with an extremely abusive childhood (leading to cPTSD) and depression/anxiety, unmasking my masking feels overwhelming. But I know that I will figure out eventually, partially with the help of your videos, and partially because I work with a trauma-specialist therapist, and because I now know myself well enough to know that I have the persistence I need. And yes, the molten lava really really sucks! Thanks for giving me the opportunity to vent a little...
I was able to mask “successfully” for 60 years, until I was disabled by long covid, and no longer had the energy to mask and burned out. I had to take an early retirement. I haven’t bothered to get a diagnosis for the autism, but over the last two years, I’ve come to realize that I am a high-masking autistic. Thanks so much for making these videos. They are very helpful.
i’ve been looking for months now to sort of get an “idea” for what’s been going on with me. i don’t quite fit the definitions for just about any disorder or condition (at least as far as i’m concerned), but this video is one of a very small number that made me sit back and go “……oh.” it all just makes a lot of sense. thank you for sharing your perspective and helping people like me try to figure out who we need to talk to and where we need to start looking. i’m sure it’s saved a lot of individuals
I'm so glad I found this channel. I have exactly 1 person I feel safe unmasking around, and they are a work colleague, so keeping it all up basically 24/7, it's no wonder I basically sleep my entire days off. Being a functional partner is extremely difficult.
I love you for making this. I'm going to send it to my boss who clearly doesn't understand. I am female, got diagnosed at 54. It can be done if you find the right clinician. Peace ✌️
I didn't realize I was autistic until this year. Your video here was one of many I discovered on UA-cam that helped me self diagnose this about myself. Thanks! Blessings to you an yours, brother.
I find your channel reliably has descriptions of the autistic experience that I relate to most, and I really appreciate the thought and effort that goes into it. Also, Chris, you're hilarious. I am still not officially diagnosed (though have been through a very traumatic attempted diagnosis) but I didn't realize the combination of sensitivity, craving for stability while also having a near complete inability to be consistent, and diagnosis of "chronic fatigue" were autism and ADHD until my early/mid 20's. That's not even that late it and it was still ROUGH to discover it then. I'm currently in an episode of burnout and watching your videos while I try to figure out how to tell student accessibility at my university that I need autism accomodations even though I am not officially diagnosed. What fun. Thanks for your content :)
My 11 year old son was diagnosed with ADHD and autism 5 months ago. He looks forward to these videos and he totally relates to them and finds humor in them as well. It also helps me to understand what is going on in his brain because it opens up conversations, especially when he’s struggling because he can refer back to the video when he can’t explain it.
Parents who not only try to understand their autistic child, but are actually willing to put in time, effort, and energy to do so, who accept and validate their child's experiences, are rarer than you may realise. They're a blessing that many of us didn't/don't have.
May you be appreciated as you deserve.
Chris, your videos mean so much to me. As someone with AuDHD, seeing you openly be yourself is incredibly inspiring. Before my diagnosis, I felt so alone in how I experienced and internalized things, but your authenticity makes me feel seen and understood. Thank you for being you!
My entire life I have struggled to find my purpose, as in why I am the way I am and not like everyone else. I learned very young to hide myself from everyone and did this for most of my life. I experienced a burnout when I was in my mid 20s and was given borderline diagnosis of a grocery list of mental health issues that just didn't fit and none of the medications helped at all. During this time I met my wife and crawled out of the mess of myself. After this it became much harder to hide my struggles with everything and felt truly broken. Ten years later I experienced another burnout and it almost cost me everything I held close. Now five years after that I finally got given the missing pieces and the reference to the puzzle that is me. This was being diagnosed with ADHD and ASD at the age of 40. So multiple burnouts led me to where I am but I feel I have a long, long time to go before I can let the mask down, even though it's becoming a true struggle to keep it in place.
For me it was grief. When my father died, of COVID, it broke me. I lost the ability to mask (figuratively, I of course wore my mask literally). It took a long time, and the diagnosis of my children with AuADHD to realize the truth about myself, and that I wasn't just depressed, I wasn't just grieving.
My father died of Covid too. ❤
So right on for so much of this for me. My tipping point through which I learned I was autistic started with death of my mom/business partner/best friend. It took me over 2 years to find somewhere that I could get a diagnosis. I’m now 7 months into a waitlist that was estimated to be 9-12 months long. 🤞
Through many YT videos and Embrace Autism website, I’ve learned more about myself and that I’m not alone in thinking how I think. AuDHDers Unite!
Recently I’ve struggled with panic attacks. I’ve found that worship/praise music really helps me when I’m in an overwhelmed state. I have to give my worries and cares over to G*d.
Omg. I’m autistic. I told my dr I want to be screened officially. Thank you for your videos 😊 you are like the autism bff we all should have 🙂❤ thanks for all the good work. This realization helps me to not hate myself and understand why I struggle so much socially
I won't be on time but I already liked and I'll watch it later.
Awesome!! Excited to hear what you think later 😁
I can relate to all of those things and I wish everyone would watch this video! But the ending with the pigeons and the bugs... That is so me so often. 🤣
Yeah, nature is so amusing and entertaining. Usually more so than NT humans.
I think a group of pigeons should be called an effluence...
@@thing_under_the_stairs Good suggestion! They certainly produce enough effluent, too. 😆
Your voice and the way you speak feel comfortable for my brain
Hi Chris! Did I tell you I got "Officially" Diagnosed on July 30th? At my age of 58, it was a relief. It gave clarity to my past and will give me grace for myself in the future.
Your whole explanation of struggling to explain your struggles resonated with me most. That and finding it harder to mask as we get older.
Thanks so much for all the hard work you put into these very informative videos! 😊
Hi Cheryl, congratulations. I was diagnosed last year aged 56... AUDHD. You're right. You get to understand the younger unaware you so much better and stop beating yourself up so much for all your 'mistakes' and weirdness.
Give yourself time to work through it all and come to terms with who you really are and maybe don't rush to carry on 'as normal'. If you don't give yourself that time, or if there is no time because life won't seem to let you, it can all come crashing in later on. Speaking from experience here. 😂
@nickpenney4953 Wow, you really get it! I have always felt like I was running out of time and I didn't know why. I was a runner and very competitive. I was always going going going. .then crashing. Thank you for your wise words!!
I'm a nurse where i have to talk to people but i hide my social anxiety. I'd be talking but pinching my skin and fidget with my fingers and i don't think people notice it. One day another nurse came up to me and said i was "besties" with this one family. My god, if only she knew the social anxiety i deal with internally while talking to families. I guess that's my incredible high masking to fit in. Also.....i am completely drained after grocery shopping. I always hated mall lights and grocery store lights even as a kid. I literally pass out at home after groceries. I'm not diagnosed, but i highly suspect i am a high functioning autistic
I'm also a nurse who hates talking to families, and the more of these UA-cam videos I watch the more I suspect I'm also a high-functioning autistic. With stress-induced adhd.
@@hettiesimpson thanks for responding! Apparently i may also have a minor auditory processing issue. When i was a fresh nurse, nurses would tell me to check my hearing because i had a hard time hearing them/following instructions. I had my hearing assessed by an audiologist. He said i have super hero hearing, but my hearing maybe a processing issue. He didn't further test me since i was a functional nurse of 2 years at the time. I went home to read up about processing issues, and bam! I came across autism which highly describes my learning/social difficulties as a child. I believe I've highly masked my difficulties and developed my own strategies to learn/function at school and work. It's been tough though.
I'm a social worker, and I've been told a good one, but will sometimes hide in my car after high intense conversations with clients and colleagues and try to de-stress and hide all kinds of tics.
@@joespencer471 yesssssss. That is totally me!!! Sometimes i hide in the washroom and wash my hands to destress and take a breather from social interactions with people.
This is all so relateable!
Glad you enjoyed it! Any specific part that you connected with most?
Late-ish diagnosed here! (A couple years ago at 23; plus ADHD freshly diagnosed this year). I've come to understand why I struggle, but kind of feel betrayed by my body and brain. It can't handle stress and reacts by punishing me with IBS flares ups amongst other things. 😢 It is hard to come to terms that I can't do life "like everyone else".
I related to this video so much, and I found many parts funny. Thank you for your humor, it made me laugh and made my morning 🥰
Yip burnout got to me and in hindsight I just couldn’t understand why, with the same inputs such as life stressors, work demands, family demands, etc. I reacted to many things very differently, or rather a more intensely than my peers and family and friends.
I nearly quit my job two years ago during the whole episode and just needed a release from expectations I can’t meet.
It’s still a journey…my mom can’t even understand that I’m autistic and even started to blame herself and thought it’s something she could’ve avoided.
Thanks for your videos Chris. Nice to have videos about the ASD experience without it seeming like some new fad and hot new label. After all, it is a challenge.
This is me. It’s like I am watching a video of my life. This is how I have felt for a very, very long time.
I was diagnosed last year at 57. Talk about an eye opener!
Has a diagnosis helped you? I am 47 and I don´t want a diagnose.... I think....
O my gosh I am so glad I have found you!! Your humor along side my realization & relief made this such a delight to watch. Thank you !!
Your videos have helped me realise that my weird problems are almost certainly not autism, so thank you for that.
I’ve had such a hard day. I love your channel. Now, I’m not freaking out. ❤
Yes! I identify with all these points, and meanopause put an extra level of aggh! on them all too. Ive had a few people say to me that ASD doesn't get worse with age, but how you didcribed it here is how I have been feeling it. I've just run out of energy to keep the act up, and that there is no point in trying as it never felt like it worked very well anyway.
I am a happy person now, albeit a semi-reclusive odd one 😊
Yes, all of the above .. diagnosed at 60
Thanks! You are in my top 5. Love your snarky humor and depth, thanks so much! I'd give more if I could
Thank you so much for this!!! Really appreciate the support and the nice words - and being in your top 5 is awesome 🤩
Thank you for giving me the vocabulary of “High Masking”
I have an aversion to the term "high masking autistic", even though the term is accurate, because of the reasons you stated. "You don't seem autistic, you don't look autistic, etc." I never had an issue with "Aspergers" because it seemed a little more understood. I know the word is completely out of favor today, and the reasons for this, but the separate word seemed to make things a little easier. Oh, and as I get older, it's much more difficult for me to mask. So exhausting.
I don't think it's out of favor--it's just that as science has advanced, doctors gained a better understanding of autism and reclassified what was formerly known as Asperger's.
@@CricketGirrl The doctors have no new understanding. They just changed the name and bundled it as ASD 1 out of political reasons
@@CricketGirrlthe fact that the war crimes of dr Hans Asperger are more understood now doesn't help either
@@toaojjc But he did save a lot of children from being exterminated. Being a researcher in Nazi Germany couldn't have been easy.
I find being an Aspie as closer, to how I feel/ identify, but now use AuDHD.
@@toaojjc I think that's why the term is out of favour, rather than anything to do with the diagnosis. It seemed to me to be an extremely good description of a lot of my issues and challenges back when I was diagnosed with it, far more than ASD, Level (whatever). And I find the terms "high/low functioning" to be both insulting and imprecise as well. It doesn't take various areas of functionality into account. For example, I've learned to function socially and academically fairly well, but I am useless at housework due to sensory issues and the sysiphisean nature of it all, and I have serious trouble in hierarchical work environments without clear instruction and things to keep my mind engaged and hold off boredom. Fear is not the mind killer, boredom is.
Your videos always hit home on so many levels. Its unfortunate the people that never understood me/things growing up still dont but I just dont care anymore. Being high masking and highly intelligent is both a blessing and a frustration.
I’m glad I had the chance of meeting a clinical psychiatrist at a conference six years ago, and she went through the symptoms and I was saying to myself “that’s me!”. This led onto me being diagnosed as autistic four years ago.
Thank you for your videos. I always want to respond but then i overthink and delete. Over and over. Always been different. Been told i was always "the weird one" in my family. Everything was a struggle but i managed to raise a bunch of fabulous children that are kind and understanding 💙
Thanks for sharing this! It sounds like you have a lot to be proud of with what you’ve done so far ❤️ thanks for your nice words too - and don’t worry, I can understand that urge to say something and then overthink. Part of our neurology! And I don’t know about you - but sometimes I appreciate my own weirdness 😁
Self-diagnosed at 55 and high masking here. (Official diagnosis seems like quite an ordeal, with no benefit to me, so highly unlikely that I’ll ever go for that.) I teach college, which gives me a natural break from ‘performing’ (teaching, attending campus meetings, etc.) every few months during winter and summer break. I think this has saved me from total burnout in the long run. When I didn’t know my weird symptoms were ASD I used to think of burnout periods as a kind of ‘depression’ resulting from the tedium of ‘work’ and that I must be weak or lazy. This year I finally know what’s happening (thank you for your channel 🎉) and now I’m wearing tinted glasses and earplugs (not visible to others) to campus. Not really ‘unmasking’ per se but I think the autistic students with noise-canceling headphones on in the back of class see me and know. Now if there’s a meeting that looks like an unnecessary strain on my nervous system, I skip it and don’t feel ‘lazy’ for doing that. Just smart.
Agree. Teaching had regular breaks for me, too, and that helped a lot. Able to spend time in my room/ office, working, to get time away from the multitudes. Good to find what reduces stress/ strain, and do what works for you - without inner self-flagellation like "I'm lazy", or other internalized NT nonsense.
Mandatory meetings were usually dreadful, but I usually found a remote location, by a wall, where I could grade papers while attending meetings (frowned on by admin). Would jot a phrase, or summary sentence, every 5 or 10 minutes, getting presentation's essence. No more brain cells required. Co-workers, who caught on, were always amazed that I could recite the meeting's essence, and participate as needed - they assumed I wasn't paying attention. Unlike them, I had to multi-task to focus, otherwise way too boring. Minimal brain use, but higher return overall.
@@rjparker2414Great meeting suggestion! Mostly I feel that meetings can be easily replaced by an email with all the information in it. And generally those who speak at meetings are people who like to hear themselves talk. Essentials are few and far between, which makes your method very pragmatic. Thank you.
@@lenad30 Agree completely with your assessment of most meetings. Glad my suggestion, and what worked for me, is useful for you. Happy to share.
Hey hey buuuuuddy!! You always make my day brighter!! Thank you so much for your content!! I really love the way you explain autism, it’s very relatable and validating!! Blessings, love n hugs to you n yours…
🥰🤗💙🙏
I’ve been trying to figure out why I was so different since I was a child. It was really bad burnout and depression at 44 drove me to get a diagnosis. But another factor was that as I got older I cared less about what other people thought of me. BTW unknowingly unmasking when you don’t know your masking is a very unsettling process.
"Unknowingly unmasking when you don't know you're masking" - you hit the nail on the head. You feel like you're insane when you don't know that's what's happening, plus you feel like you're watching yourself disintegrate/become a totally different person right before your eyes.
I’m sending this to my high masking autistic son (who is 28) and doesn’t believe my autism diagnosis (audhd). I’m hoping it will help. After 6 years of feeling like I failed him because I did not recognize my own (or my own parent’s) or other children’s autism, I want him to help understand this concept. He has an ADHD diagnosis from 2 different doctors when he was child, but because I did not know anything about ADHD then, and there were very few resources in 2000. It was just, give him amphetamines. I didn’t want to give my 4 year old then later I refused medication on his behalf as an 8 year old because I had family members in active addiction so I didn’t want to start him on that path. I had no idea at all what any of it meant. I’m thankful for resources like yours that are available now, it’s so important. He’s just tired of hearing me talk about it, and recently confided in me the day my father died that he didn’t think I had autism, and he didn’t have ADHD. He shouted things like “you’re normal”! I’m not, nor have I ever been, nor do I want to be! And “why do you WANT to be autistic!?!? I don’t have a choice, and I think I’d rather be anyway, but that doesn’t mean I “want” it- it is what it is. “Wanting it” implies I’m faking it. I also got something along the lines of the doctor who diagnosed you was wrong- though I think he use the term “quack”, then doubled down and said so were both of the doctors who diagnosed him. Sigh. By the end of the conversation he changed it to believing in my ADHD part, and thinking maybe we should both get treatment for that. I think he was just saying that because his girlfriend was there agreeing with all the symptoms I was telling him about, and listening as I told him all his childhood signs- and he was being so rude when my father had literally just died that morning. His body was still there, we were just in the living room. It was kinda devastating. I do hope he will watch this, but I’m not holding my breath. I just want to help him, he struggles so much.
I am so sorry for your loss of your dad. I absolutely feel your hurt, especially the accusation of "wanting" to be autistic/adhd, as though it's some weird kind of goal in life to laud over NTs. Honestly, though, I think his lash-outs may be driven by confusion at his own hurt, and pushing back at underlying acknowledgement of an unwanted diagnosis. If he accepts your diagnosis, he has to accept his own.
You're on different points of the path: he's not ready to accept, but you are. Give him time, but most of all, be kind to yourself. ❤
@@alisonwhite9588 Thank you for helping me see it that way, I’ll also try to be kind to myself, but that’s one of the most difficult things for me to do. My son and I always been very close (were together every day because neither of us ever left the house!) until he left, right around my diagnosis. I’ve studied and learned so much during this time and as a result I’ve changed, and I think the change for him was startling, maybe upsetting to see me freely be autistic. My health has been really awful and I know he hadn’t seen me in person with silver hair, and no makeup and actual permanent wrinkles. I’ve aged so much and look so visually different since he last saw me 3 years ago and the first thing he said was “Mom, you look OLD!! What happened…..” he went on and on and on until his girlfriend told him that he needed to stop, that it was inappropriate. So, yeah, he detests things being different (as is appropriate!) I saw a whole lot of symptoms in person, and I’d been watching videos of him as a kid, I know I probably overwhelmed him with information about it- he certainly would’ve understood it was an infodump if he understood special interests, if he understood autism. And he didn’t want to talk about it, I see it a little better now, I was also in shock I think at the moment so wasn’t able to control myself very well. know HE wasn’t able to mask appropriately at that moment, it wasn’t sudden but still upsetting- it was his grandpa too, he learned to read between 2-3 years old by sitting in his lap with him reading him the newspaper aloud every morning- so my father could talk to him (and nobody else) about his special interest, politics, and the news. My Dad was so stereotypically Asperger’s it was ridiculous. He had finally accepted and was self identified just in the last few years, my mother, too but with audhd. He was a very important figure his whole life, so I completely empathize- neither of us were in a good place at the moment. We’ve talked about it since then, and he’s agreed to watch a video about it, I overachieved and sent him a (shortish) playlist. 3 from Chris and Debby because his characteristics so mirror my own. 🤞🏼
@@alisonwhite9588Thank you, he’s agreed to watch it!
Chris, I have to say it again, you are the most relateable auDHD UA-camr for me 🙏🏼 This is all so true. I'm 39 and just found out that I'm auDHD as well some months back. Why did I find out? I always felt different, that's why I move abroad to a totally different culture (here I'm expected to be strange). I used to be an extreme people pleaser, but the older I got the more reluctant I got and boom! All my "friends" were gone, because I didn't just do everything for them anymore with nothing in return. I was increasingly struggeling in life. My new life partner started calling me out for a lot of social deficites like oversharing, not participating in conversations and when I do, not letting other people talk etc. I was even in therapy two years ago, but the therapist thought it is childhood trauma. Now I hit a major roadblock and I swear that toothbrush weighs a ton and so does anything else I try to lift. Thank you so much for this video, it couldn't be more aligned with my own experience!
Yup, hit the tipping point early this summer and just couldn't keep pretending. Also, when many women reach about 50, we decide that doing and saying the things we're "supposed" to do and say just isn't worth it anymore. I am recently late self-diagnosed, I learned about masking and thought, hmm ... that might as well go out with all the other shoulds and supposed tos. it's very freeing.
So much of what you talk about is so spot on for me. I'm not yet diagnosed (over 40), but have my diagnostic scheduled.
Thank you for being so real.
My dad never acknowledged that there was something that I needed more than others with me being autistic. He just said I was a bad kid. So, it means a lot to me, seeing someone just sharing their experience as it is. No sugar coating. It helps me see myself for who I really am.
That outtake/blooper ramble at the end was the most relatable thing! For the last bit about getting diagnosed, I dont even go to burnout, I go to manic psychotic break. A lot of fun. So now, when I'm at home I shake my head to dispell a thought that I shouldn't be dwelling on. When out and about with other people? I have to do some other external stim to distract me from that same type of thought. But it's gotta go! Dunno if that counts as something, but it's the latest thing I noticed that I do.
I've spent my whole life, so far (51 years) masking, by hiding and making myself as invisible as possible, which can be quite difficult as a 6ft 1 female!! I have never been invited (not that I'd go) to a school reunion as no one would remember I was even there. I've tiptoed my way through life leaving hardly a print except in my own home. I home schooled my two children in a glorious world created by ourselves, for ourselves. Now that they've flown the nest, I'm once again hiding myself away from the world.
Find what feeds you, nurtures your soul or inner being. At home, or somewhere else you feel safe. I rarely got invited anywhere, too, and always last person chosen for a team. However, now, I make my own choices, and company (alone, or with a few special humans, or non-humans/ nature). You might find delight then. Hope so.
this guy knows meself better than i do
This is so fantastic. Relate with alot
I have always felt more comfortable in the company of autistic people, but never realised I was likely autistic myself (my husband too), until I had children. We both love our quiet time. The constant barrage of noise and crying is almost unbearable at times. I adore my children, but toddlers don't understand 'mummy needs quiet for a few minutes.' I feel exhausted all of the time. Thank you for validating that everyday, 'normal' life is absolutely exhausting.
Thanks for sharing this! Being an autistic parent must be extra challenging and exhausting - it sounds like for you and your husband, at least you can relate to each other, but I can understand what you mean about the noise (especially after working with kids in schools for many years). The good news is (from our experience at school), as your kids get a bit bigger and more independent, it'll get a bit easier to have some alone time... but until then, hope you're able to get some breaks for yourself too. Do you and your husband take turns giving each other breaks when you need them? Or is it possible to get some occasional help/support from others, like family or a babysitter?
@ChrisandDebby I'm a teacher too (teenagers), so I know they will be more able to understand boundaries as they get older. I can tell that my children are quite noise sensitive too, so I think they will all naturally quieten down as they grow. We do take turns when we can to give each other a break from the noise. I find j can bare the noise better if I have one headphone in because it dulls the sound a bit. Going outside helps a lot because the sound doesn't bounce off the walls and being outside helps me regulate. We have some childcare help, but not a lot. We mostly stay home a lot because at least there isn't additional noise added to our children's noise. Before children we spent a lot of time at home and being out in the world was mostly OK because we could recharge. I melt down every single day now because of the lack of breaks. It's exhausting right now, but it will eventually get better.
O wow. Just wow. I appreciate this so much.
And yeah severe burnout.
Can we just all get in a room and solve the world's problems? At least a few viable solutions if nothing else.
Seriously though just hearing what I would literally explain to someone else is awesome, I appreciate it so much.
oooooooof, heard and felt. the pandemic was the first time i just had to sit with myself for any length of time and realize that i wasn't okay, so then there was the anxiety/depression diagnosis and then the adhd diagnosis and then the autism diagnosis. not that i didn't absolutely love the solitude of lockdown because i live with my family and (generally) like them, but it was also a time when I slowed down enough to realize I'd been running on fumes for years.
Describing my struggles has always been a struggle and I will minimise it as "I'm just tired" 99% of the time. I was dx informally by my psych at the start of 2021 at the age of 35. I'm now 39 and after lockdowns and then moving to permanently working from home... I genuinely struggle with masking now. I still do any time I have to interact with anyone - co-workers, friends, family, etc - but it feels much more draining than it ever used to. I think I've been in burnout so long I don't actually know what it's like to not be. But still, ask me how I'm doing... "I'm ok, just tired."
You described me perfectly!
Thank you ✨💖✨
Glad you could join the live! Be careful with shopping this week 😅
@@ChrisandDebby 😁
Omg the clip at the end is me, like all the time. Being deeply annoyed and frustrated with every little big that flys near my face, and (Animals are one of my passions) I’m always pointing and loudly identifying every bird that calls or flys overhead because I was way too old before I realized that wasn’t normal behavior.
I did discover this during autistic burnout. I was displaced due to a housefire. This was just 6 months ago but wow what a six months it has been since! Seems like much more time has passed.
I wish I could get people to understand the amount of exhaustion we experience. My husband comments on me being tired all the time but I don't think he truly understands.
💓💖💗💯👏 I related so much to what you described. I was diagnosed at age 50, super high masking, now 68. Masking has become more and more exhausting, and yet, harder to avoid doing, partly because of habit, and partly because I can run into a lot of trouble from others of my generation who can’t seem to accept that my masking is not the real me.
😂😂 I can relate to all of these. Thank you for making me laugh and making me feel like even though I feel different there are other people out there who feel the same way.
64 and un-diagnosed, stopped masking and socializing in my early 20's. My family refers to me as "The Recluse", we still talk, but they never seem to be interested or curious about why I'm so "reclusive/unsociable"...
One of the hardest things about the post-pandemic world is my driving went away. Before that I had a lot of driving for work, my kids, my parents. I had regular 3 hour trips places and 90 minutes for work 2x week. That was the one environment I had nearly total control over and I miss it so much. It is hard to schedule/justify just going out for long drives but I may have to.
Wow. So true about being harder to mask once you’re diagnosed. Not sure why.
Maybe because now you KNOW you're struggling... and struggling. So, why bother?
All ditto for me !! I've had to push myself to take and keep "good" jobs, to fit in, to cope with stressful environments, tho others seem to enjoy it, having to sleep 12 hours to recover to then show up at 8 am to answer phones etc, all ending in embarrassing meltdown episodes, this was in the 80s and 9os, never heard of autism, just thought there was something terribly wrong with me. Took several years off due to ptsd and chronic health breakdown only to get back into the workforce again, lasted 10 years in a less hours situation, still ended in embarrassing meltdown,... now assumed life just gives me PTSD, so I spend a lot of time gardening...62 now and forced myself into retirement. I love my sofa ❤❤❤😂😂 Covid lockdown was a blessing to me. So only recently realized I'm probably autistic, and I can see that my overly emotional Dad was probably too.
One time a person I knew was telling me how they admired how hard-working I was and I accidentally let "You've never met me" slip out. 😬
Yeah, this is exactly it. I felt like I was different my whole life, but I didn't know why, and I became very obsessed with not wanting people to know that I was odd and not like everyone else. So I copy and pasted behaviors, said the types of things I heard other people say, and monitored everything I did and said with an internal monologue, hoping I was coming off normal, at least to some extent. And I somehow convinced myself I was enjoying it, mainly because I gaslit myself about my problems. "No one else seems to struggle like I do, no one else seems bothered by the bright lights in here or seems to get exhausted 10 minutes into a conversation like I do. I must be making it up. I must just be weak or lazy or something. I mean, I'm enjoying this, right?" But now that I've learned I'm autistic, it is a whole journey of learning how to unmask, and who the hell I even am behind the mask. Anyways this is a rant, but I enjoyed the video.
In my mid-40s I developed chronic pain as a result of a severely prolapsed disc, and this lasted ten years until it was fixed in 2018 by burning out some nerves in my spine. It was then an upward trend until 2022, when I developed Long Covid. And you know what's great about both those conditions (plus the recovery period in between)? I have the perfect reason to take myself off at any point and go and lie down alone! And it's only since investigating my autism I've realised how often my reasons for doing so have nothing to do with chronic pain or Long Covid...
I feel lucky. I don't get too many smells or sound issues. (Apart from multiple sounds and loud sounds) And no stomach issues ever! Thank goodneas
Another fun video :) Thank your for clarifying the high-masking vs high-functioning. It still makes it hard to distinguish between the kind of autism shown in a film like Rain Man, and someone like me though. I'm going to just say my opinion which may not be popular, but I feel like saying that autism is on a spectrum is a bit of a cop-out personally - it may help diagnostics and researchers but it doesn't help us, the actual people living with it, when we want a term or terms to express what our needs actually are in day to day life to the people that interact with us, when our traits and needs are sooo varied in spectrum and degree for each of us.
On another note, I realised I must be autistic when two separate people who had known me for a while suggested that I could be. I especially began to notice traits, during and after the lockdowns, which was immensely difficult for me. Despite being autistic, I feel happy being social in my own way too, and I realised it affected my mental health really badly when my usual habit of going to sit in a cafe was disturbed, and I couldn't go to sit among people for several months.During this time I developed panic attacks and realised that my sensitivity to everything was soo disturbed that I couldn't go out without headphones playing opera music - that was the only thing that could keep me calm for months. That's when I started to realise that until then I had had the same sensitivities all this time, but had just not been acknowledging them.
Yes, it feels like being in a snowstorm with bare feet and in a nightgown ( I only wear comfy pants and a t-shirt for sleeping. Nightgowns are a nightmare). Also, it is like having a manual transmission. Changing gears takes several cognitive steps.
sure