The 4 phases of a fearful avoidant relationship
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- Опубліковано 7 вер 2024
- Fearful avoidants typically follow this relationship cycle until they heal their attachment wounds.
#fearfulavoidant #anxiousattachment #dismissiveavoidant #discard #discarded #heartbroken #disorganizedattachment #divorce #breakup #attachment #avoidant #avoidantattachment #dating #emotionallyunavailable #insecureattachment #relationship #relationshipcoach #situationship
How sad that in their heart, these people want to love and be loved, yet their mind won't allow it.
@@sheilasheila2709 👍💯❤️🩹😔
Facts.
They don’t act sad.. my ex FA went right out dating and partying. They think they’re right and we are the toxic ones.
Cool video, My relationship of 5 years ended a month ago. The love of my life decided to leave me, I really love her so much I can’t stop thinking about her, I’ve tried my very best to get her back in my life, but to no avail, I’m frustrated, I don’t see my life with anyone else. I’ve done my best to get rid of the thoughts of her, but I can’t, I don’t know why I’m saying this here, I really miss her and just can’t stop thinking about her
its difficult to let go of someone you love, i was in a similar situation, my relationship of 12 years ended, but i couldnt just let her go i did all i could to get her back, i had to seek the help of a spiritual counselor who helped me bring her back
Amazing, how did you get a spiritual counselor, and how do i reach her?
Her name is Shelly renee white , and she is a great spiritual counselor who can bring back your ex.
Thank you for this valuable information, i just looked her up now online. impressive
Even if you guys really get her back, is that really good idea??
Because God can see infinite distance, but we can only see up to three steps away... BEST WISHES!
Being the discarded one, there's quite a lot I recognise here. The discard and the lack of real explanation are deeply traumatising.
This sounds exhausting, accountability and self reflection is so important
Oftentimes they can suppress their emotions long enough to completely detach. At that point, they made it too long for them to come back. Very specific self sabotage.
I went through this by the book for 13 years with my FA, and now 5 years later she has almost repeated the 2nd full discard, but also has done enough work in therapy that she is starting to self reflect and take accountability and I think we will heal and be together in an actually healthy relationship. But it has been an extremely hard path to say the least 😅
Beeniving this nightmare for 18 months. Finally held my boundary and called it a day. It's so hard 💔
Not all parts of the story were parts of my story, of course not, but what happened to me was reflected very accurately in what was said. It all seems so alien to me that I need it saying to me a thousand times or more
I'm a FA. i was physically and sexually abused as a child. anyway, as a young adult, i was in a relationship with someone for 4 years, and it was getting closer to talks about marriage. i definitely started going through the flaw finding stage 2 or 3 years in the relationship. at the time i didn't realize my fears were being triggered. i just thought sth was wrong/missing in my relationship and i wanted to be single. i didn't brutally discard my partner. i brought it up with her and slowly ended it over time over multiple discussions. but i can definitely see how all my reasons were vague and confusing to her, and how she must have been flustered with why i suddenly felt the need to be single again. but it happens on such a sub-conscience level, i had no idea i was fearful avoidant back then. it's sth my therapist told me recently.
It’s rare to see someone attempting to take responsibility for their behaviour. It’s terrible and unfair the abuse you suffered when you were young but as an adult you are responsible. Well done though, just keep ‘doing the work’, never stop
Straight facts 💯, now tell the others ! We need to avoid them at all costs and not get pulled into the FA's BS.
He told me he trusted me so much that it scared him.
The way my FA ex discarded me was by ghosting. But they still came back to discuss marriage after a long time of ghosting. It was quite unpleasant. It was a combination of mixed up core values. On the one hand they were all too willing to ignore my "faults" in the infatuation stage. They never asked or cared about who I was at my core. And when I allowed them into my life and formed an attachment to them, it was suddenly okay to find fault. That's all stuff they could have asked while we were just friends. The problem was that they prioritized the infatuation and completely ignored who I was at my core. I now understand that it was just their childhood core wounds that made them waste my time though. People are wounded by their upbringing.
It took 14 years of living with this for him to discard me. I was foolish to let it happen. Our final fight was over once again him being withdrawn & numb & complacent. I asked him if he felt we were slowly falling apart. The reply I got was “Not this sh!t again! Leave me alone! It’s exhausting!” Then he disappeared & went no contact for a month. I stood my ground & after a whole month of no word, he texted me “You ok? Keep in mind nothing ever gets solved by bringing it up ever so it takes me months afterwards to keep up the sharade & to bring it up again. Yeah, times wasting & honestly if you don’t care anymore than that on your own & you have to be “talked” into caring, then it’s not genuine.
She's with someone else only a few weeks later. Her reasons for our break up were what you say: she realised she wasn't ready for a relationship and needs time and space to focus on herself, she even said that she always gets with the first guy she meets after a break up and never gets to find out who she is as a person. I respected her decision, trusted the honesty of her reasoning and conducted myself with grace and empathy. But it It sucks. Stings so much greater to discover that journey of self discovery never happened. Feels like dishonesty now.
I think I was clinging to hope but I'm guessing it's lost.
U are not lost my mate, her current guy is - he will for sure get a taste of this cycle, sooner or later.
Lean back and see it unfold, this what will most likely happen.
I just wish for us to stop desiring and wanting them back, as I am in a situation like yours, I wish for my heart to seek a better man and to deeply believe I deserve one, and emotionally ditch my ex's lame a**
@@AABTBS Yeah, I feel that. It difficult because you were probably promised everything and believed everything was going great, as I was. Then the rug pull. It makes you question everything and yourself. It's so hard. I thought I'd found my person and was genuine in my love. Completely bought into the image of the future, I thought we'd get married as she told me she wanted to marry me and planned the future with me. Then cya 👋🏻. Brutal. Never experienced it before.
Respect for that? Major red flag
@@promo130 I meant that I respected her decision to break up. I didn't plead or try to convince her to stay with me.
@@sagovana
Wow, I read your edited comment, and yes - my ex said also that he was not in the right headspace to be in a relationship, any new connections, that he is burdaned emotionally and with chores (divorced with kids), and I too respected that and was understanding and empathic to the max, and we had a closure I gave him and then immidately went no contact and respected his need for full space, only to see a new woman enters his flat 3 weeks later, then her and more friends... I thought he needed an aline time period but hmm NOPE.
I hear you, it feels so personal when this is how it goes, I too suffer from this feeling of personal rejection every day, and in your case your rs sound far more long and advanced then mine was with my guy.
I am trying very hard to understand that the new partner might be more toxic then us, we might not know, but your ex said A LOT with her remark of jumping on the first guy after a breakup, in your case she sounds very complexed and her remark should really help you to feel that this might for sure be this pattern with this new dude also, try as much as you can to understand that deep rooted patterns and attachment styles will not dissapear and they will not suddenly enter 3 weeks after us to their forever-healthy-love story...
Soundslike she discarded you, coach has videos on that too.
It feels like abandonmant, and after a long promising relationship it is straight up shock to the nervous system and body and heart.
You sound like a good man, more mature than her, maybe she needs her chaos, maybe you are too good for her.
Hope i'm not projecting, but this is how I begin to feel for my ex...
Maybe he was not all that after all, maybe we give them too much credit...
I watched matthew hussey video that really saved me lately -
He said not to focus on how we feel for them, but to focus on HOW THEY MADE US FEEL...
How powerful is that? They made us feel so rejected and worthless, maybe they are cruel? We never would have not done that, right?
Please remember that ❤.
Sending you strength.
Good for you for exiting this with empathy and grace, it is hard, and it says a lot about your good qualities. We deserve good partners and good love that stays and does abendon us.
Phase 1 can take years really??... my avoidant entered phase 2 after 5 meetings with me...
It's interesting, never saw an avoidant last so long in phase 1, I see it as a rapid cycle when phase 1 and phase 2 are present as closeness-withdrawl loop and is noticable at the early stages always, even if not very pronounced.
Phase 1 for me was a good 5 years! It definitely can depend, for better or worse 😄
This was my last relationship. Minus the last stage. Thanks for putting these out.
Unfortunately I learned that my husband is a DA, and has used the try to get them to leave tactics, or replace and dump his whole life. Im the first long term relationship he's had. It took him 9 yrs to crack. Its been unbearable watching do this replace and dump cycle now at 40 with his 13 yrs old watching. She has lost all respect for him.
I want to thank Coach Ryan because I’m learning a lot. Keep the movement strong!
This is so true come back to breadcrumb lol such a time waster
THANK YOU!!🙏 Your videos are so helpful. Thank you for your work.❤️🩹❤️❤️👍
This sounds like BPD
I'm healing ❤ Thank you Coach Ryan. I knew it, but did it anyway.
Run for the hills
Can you please do a video on the phases of a DA too?
So, grim questions: Which phase is the one they cheat on you, and how many of these relationships result in cheating? Unfortunately, I think it can happen in phases three and four, and they are more inclined to not end the relationship because they don't want to be abandoned.
Usually phase 3 sometimes phase 2. Even if it's not physical cheating they usually emotionally cheat. They usually push their partner into friend zone then into a situationship.
By phase 2 they are almost always cheating at least emotionally, and through withholding and focusing on other people / things while gaslighting you about it, with one foot in the relationship and one foot out ready for maybe an opportunity to physically cheat or whatever else the case will be.
What happens on the side of the avoidant when you don't fall for their bait and bread crumbing, do they feel bad that they can never have you again or do they just forget about you and move on to their new relationship as usual
Then you become "the one that got away."
You become their imaginary perfect ex that nobody an ever live up to. It needs to be said, these people are mentally ill, it’s a form insanity and anyone that still wants to be with them when they realise that is just as insane
Whoa, this describes my experience with an FA in full detail! Why is it, though, that an FA might still breadcrumb their ex while they already monkey branched into a new relationship/situationship and is getting zero validation from their ex? That is what is happening in my case. Can you make a video about that?
Oops. Guilty. Thanks, I’m learning how to bring it up in therapy and work on it.
Do you truly miss your ex after you discard them? Around about how long does it take for you to get to that point, if so?
He is dismissive avoidant. He reaches out every 5-6 months. I ignore and call back a few days later. He acts like nothing happened, I explode that too much happened. Then we both reject each other when all we truly want is to work towards a reconciliation. Crazy behavior that can only stop if we both commit to therapy individually and together. I’m no authority. But I will add, that I missed him the moment I discarded and miss him everyday.
@VeronicaGonzalez-ou7gf I appreciate your insight. I'm pretty sure I'm AP and my ex is FA. I never experienced a relationship dynamic like that in my life. I thought we truly loved each other. He would disappear at times when nothing was going on, for days at a time. We both adored each other so much, or so I thought. So I couldn't understand why that behavior was coming up. I blamed myself constantly. Then of course I would ask him why, and he wouldn't have an answer. Eventually, this led me to pull my energy back. That's about when I got extremely sick and he discarded me during that time. I guess I just want to believe that part of him cares
what about when you discard the avoidant after years of this cycle. I know he has done fake insta profiles and getting friends to look on my profile but committed to someone else. you know you cant help them but you dont stop caring about them either 😥😥
Like others have said I often listen to your voice rather than paying attention to your eye contact.
Maybe eye contact specifically at the beginning and end of the videos since you asked 😊
A very painful pattern.😢
So far... Stucked on stage 3... Honestly dont think she Will ever come back...her avoidant side goes waaaaaa deeper compared to her anxious side.
They never self reflect. That's the problem
I’m not trying to lead anyone astray. If anyone kicks you when you are down, that’s disrespect and it should not be tolerated. Truthfully, it doesn’t matter if you’re man or woman, or ascribe to any attachment style. If a person you care about shows you acts of apathy, injuring, or disrespect? Just fight back by putting up all the healthy boundaries they recommend on these types of channels. And take as much time you need to give YOU the love you were trying to gift to an ignorant jerk.
This is 100% true in my case, having just recently been discarded. However, she removed me from her instagram and Facebook (kept WhatsApp open). Does that automatically mean that there’s gonna be no stage 4 for me?
I want the stage 4 to tell her what she did to me and that I’m no more into her. I want her to beg me to accept her back - to no avail. I want her to feel the anxiety I felt when she dumped me. 😢
Then you are not over her and you should definitely work on yourself! Just because someone mistreated you doesn't mean you can go around and do the same. You should have your boundaries but hurting people on purpose is always bad and a sign of a bad character.
When someone rapes you you don't automatically (by law and morally) have the right to rape. If you understand the concept with this extreme example you may understand it also on an emotional level
Oh this is 100% me 😢💔
So how to respond for her text breadcrumbs like: "hi" or "how are you?". Ignore theese breadcrumbs and don't reply??
This will seem random, but...
I need help
I need unbiased advice
please, if you're reading this, and you feel called to respond to this comment,
I'm open to hearing from anyone who has something to share...
I have been plagued with an awful dilemma
I have been ruminating and obsessing over this for over 7 months now
I had a therapist
an AWFUL AWFUL AWFUL therapist
the absolute worst of the worst
instead of helping me and healing me
he damaged me and traumatized me
but I was too traumatized to do anything about it, at the time
I basically saw him for all of 2023
then I KNEW
I could NEVER
see him again
HE'S AWFUL
but...
he's also somehow wildly successful
and I can file a formal complaint
but if I do this
I must do it soon
the filing seems like a long and arduous process
and in the end, it's his word against mine...
I also don't know if I reap any particular benefits?
except he may get somewhat reprimanded
and I may get to speak up and use my voice
I don't know what to do
I must make a decision soon
thoughts, anyone?
what is your desired result and what is your required action?
If the therapist was awful with you you might want to inform to protect other patients who may be even more vulnerable
If it’s to hurt them from a place of retaliation, I’d trust the universe to handle it
But the former (informing) is something I would consider doing if your harm is great. And if you need legal recourse you should behave consistently and so yes I would consider informing the licensing board. Not out of retribution but to vindicate my position.
How can the fearful avoidant break free from this cycle ? Please help!
Therapy with an attachment therapist.
Be careful that you find a therapist who doesn't rely heavily on prescription drugs. My avoidant ex was going through withdrawal from prescriptions with no help from the therapist.
Trauma work that allows you to overcome triggers enough to reach that self reflection and accountability phase and also per attachment therapist rec, committing to becoming securely attached understanding what that looks like and all the changes entailed - then doing the work for that over maybe 2-3 years. It is hard but often done!
Never got the fourth phase. 😢
I did, it was a 3 in the night call from an unknown number. I laughed, hard, told her, i don't need insanity in my life, told her ''i am no good, i don't know why anyone would want to be in a relationship with me'' while laughing. She cried and hung up the phone. I finally, finally, managed to make her feel what i had been feeling during the endless hot and cold, the endless ''you are the best thing that has ever happened to me, but i don't want a relationship'' after she love bombed me to oblivion, after me wanting to give her everything. That was the closure i wanted. Never again. I don't care if i ''damaged'' her more, she deserves that, she deserves the boyfriends that were ''losers'' and ''treated her badly all her life''. She treated me worse than those losers at the end of the day, had a full blown panic attack in front of me. All she had to do is be normal.
Man... This is word for word my ex wife.
Haha yeah, I had one of those too, just that I ended it before she could after 12 years. I’ve gone on to have a really lovely relationship for many years now, my ex wife is more miserable than ever. One of us did the work, one of us didn’t.
We are breaking the cycle! And she will be exposed ...
Sooo true...