What to Do When Your Spouse Has A.D.H.D.
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- Опубліковано 10 вер 2024
- What to Do When Your Spouse Has A.D.H.D.
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Complex PTSD with someone with ADHD? What a mess!!! The person with C- PTSD easily feels harmed, ignored, let down, and abandoned, and the person with ADHD struggles to show up with the responsibilities, help out w/o being asked or assisted, forgets and minimizes what needs to be done. DR. D: YOU DROPPED THE BALL on what this woman is dealing with inside HERSELF w/ C-PTSD. The reason he keeps saying " fix it" is that ADHD is a problem. He should be saying manage, because this is a problem without a fix, it requires constant management.
I agree and the thumbs up on this comment show there are quite few of us. I tried to hang on for several decades not realizing it would never get better only harder as I aged. I lost hope and the more I gave in and gave up the more pressure and criticism I received. This has made my life unbearable now. I came looking for advice and got told to do more of what did NOT work. I can't live like this anymore. I watched everything I worked so hard for get destroyed. I know it's not their fault but if a disorder causes others to get an even worse disorder ... 😳
"It is a context not an excuse." Yes. I get lost in time. I am so focused in what is going on right in front of me that I forget that I'm on a time limit.
PLEASE DO MORE ON ADULT ADHD!!
I like how she is dealing with this issue now then later.
I have adhd myself. With work, I either take notes of everything I have to do or have the person text me what I need to do to get things done. With dating or meeting up with friends and family, I set a reminder on my phone to remind me to meeting up with someone. Doing that has helped me a lot.
I have adhd myself. I was able to work my my way up from the shop floor to an engineering/IT analyst job. Think about that, I analyze without thr ability to actually concentrate for more than a few seconds. I still don't know how I exactly I pull this off. A set routine helps me. I go to bed the same time, get up the same time, get cup of coffee same time, each lunch same time, almost to the exact second every day. I think making these routines a habit let's me not have to think about them.
yep I rely on my calendar, phone notepad, or texting someone something so I don't forget. I used to have a physical planner but now that I don't carry a purse or bag everywhere I go, it's no longer practical and just easier to use my phone for this. I also keep a running list of groceries needed, near future tasks etc that I check multiple times a day to stay on track.
It feels like swimming against a current through a maze saving someone who is drowning who is at the same time they trying to pull you under. Emotionally exhausting and physically exhausting. This is so under discussed
This is the best way I’ve seen someone describe being with someone with adhd. I honestly gave up. My boundaries were broken multiple time and it honestly has brought me under.
@@topshelfmike I feel like this at the moment with my partner :( I really don't know what to do because I try and help and he is loving but I feel drained alot ...I didn't know whether it was my depression though ..but maybe it is his adhd (he's not on meds) ....I always feel like it's like going out with 2 different people sometimes
@@rosewest5168 I’m sorry to hear that and hope things change for the better for you! The only thing I can suggest is set clear boundaries and stick to them. It’s been 6 months since my breakup and I’m still feeling the effects of it. Don’t allow yourself to be brought under, for me atleast, it wasn’t worth it.
@@rosewest5168- I don't know whether your situation is still the same, but if your partner is unable or unwilling to take meds, a nootropic can be just as good if you get the right one.
And the Additude website is a goldmine of information.
This is a perfect analysis❤
As an adult with ADD I'd love for the Dr to take more calls like this
same please.
He only has so much time and it’s also important to address Other issues as well.
@@Hamyhamster24 well he's done about 7653677 episodes now on cheating, so I think it'll buff out tbh
@@doesnotFempute 🤣
I’ve literally struggled with everything that was just said in this video. Being married with someone who is ADHD, I can attest to how true this is. Wow, thank you SO much for this.
is she treated
Wish you the best friend
Are we that difficult to be in a relationship with? Do you tell them?
@carolynpruitt4489 yes. ya'll are. i've told my partner, too. many times. as a non-ADHD (but still ND) individual, i do not have all of the patience in the world, and i am still human with emotion. and if i said that the countless mistakes, the blunders, the constant apologies that seldom hold up and the repeat incidents *haven't* taken a toll on me at all, i'd be lying. i would really be lying. :( 💔
@@asia.tyou sound so unhappy. I know how it feels to be on the receiving end of a spouse who wants to love you but has resented this thing about you that you can manage sort of but is extremely difficult to maintain positive change.
Divorce.
Please.
You are not doing your spouse any favors by being codependent to their ADHD.
The more you do for them the more resentment builds on both sides.
If your partner can't meet your expectations for an acceptable spouse, then you owe it to them to let them go, along with all the resentment.
Sometimes what is charming during dating becomes a droning chore in marriage. Whoops. You couldn't have known but now you do.
You have a choice:
A) accept that even with your spouse's best efforts he won't be able to please you. Period. Chose to see them as lovesble anyway. Or:
B) divorce.
Either way, let the fantasy that he could be able to meet your needs let alone impress you.
Because no matter the cause - ADHD, narcissism... Whatever the label:
You have chosen somebody who either can't or won't be able to meet your expectations.
If you can't accept them, you owe it to both of you to part ways now before things get really bad because that rift of resentment becomes a chasm of contempt.
That's when it gets toxic.
You're on that path, understandably.
You're not wrong for being frustrated. And you can figure out options or way of dealing with it maturely. Lucky you! 🍀 Your spouse likely is too with themselves, but can't.
So, when you said "I do", was if " for better or worse"? Or was it "until I can't take the frustration anymore"?
Either way is totally valid. But face it now before things get bad.
ADHD is a medically related pathology.
Despite there still being unknown variables that contribute to ADHD, research does STRONGLY indicate there’s a malfunction in the molecular pathways that occur physiologically.
YES, a development of behavioral and cognitive skills is necessary to learn and incorporate in ones life in order to alleviate the medically related symptoms of adhd as well as alleviate the lifestyle consequences that occur if adhd is severely uncontrolled
My mom raised 6 kids with undiagnosed ADHD. It was... interesting to say the least. I’m 30 and I still wish she would get treatment.
Sarah what things would recommend me, I am a mom with adhd and have five kids. I am all over the place.
@@evelynreyes2131 my therapist recommended the book “healing ADD by Daniel amen” I have a really extreme case of ADHD and I’ve found it very helpful for me! (:
My mom as well and a dad on the autism spectrum (undiagnosed) all of us kids have ADHD, 2 have ADHD and are on the spectrum, and various levels of depression.
It can be fun as 3 of us live together, but there are major downsides.
Omg I feel like this lady is calling on my behalf! Everything she said is exactly my situation. Great video TY for sharing.
why dont you leave him then
I appreciate the suggestion of healing ADHD through affection, and I would love to be able to have the talk this girl practices in this video, but I'm so afraid my husband is beyond this. He's in complete denial. He makes us late for everything. In the rare instance we can actually get in the car in time to leave and just barely get somewhere on time, he bolts back into the house for like 5 minutes for something totally unimportant. He loses items every day. We're lucky if it's only one item a day. He spills/drops things and doesn't notice, and even when I point them out, he forgets to clean them. If I try to talk to him about something serious, he asks me if he can go do something "really quick." That can be up to two hours. If I try to just share something about my day that isn't that important, it's like we're having two different conversations where I'm trying to tell my story and he's telling unrelated jokes to me in between my sentences. We've had several cutoff notices for gas and electricy (and he still insists on being in charge of those bills). He constantly mishears me and frequently interprets the complete opposite of what I just said. (His mom does this too, and it completely baffles me.) He "loses time" as my mom describes it, where he'll go to run an errand at a nearby shop and just be gone for three hours for no reason and does not believe the timing, even if you show him proof like text message time stamps.
But the worst part is that he actually a great person who I love very much, but he refuses to acknowledge these issues. He has an excuse for everything. If I try to bring them up calmly, he's got a reason each one was out of his control. If I bring them up as a pattern, he accuses me of hating him. I'm so exhausted. I can't talk about it with anyone in my life anymore, because they've noticed some of the things independently, and if they make a comment, he accuses me of talking behind his back so they'll mock him. I feel like the only thing I can do to get any small amount of peace in my life is pretend to be okay and just try to handle everything myself while constantly worrying about the things he tries to take responsibility for and working my high-demand job. I look at piles of laundry and stress about how I'm going to do it all on top of everything else, but if he tries to help, I'm even more stressed because I know there's a 90% chance he's going to forget and leave the clothes in the washer and they'll get moldy and I'll have to redo them while he argues with me because he swears he just put them in the wash and denies the obvious fact that they smell like mildew.
And I feel terrible because he really does try. I aked him to get me medicine because I'm sick. The pharmacy is 10 minutes away. He came back 2 hours later with a sweet card, a whole bunch of items we didn't need, some items to replace items that have been lost, and three medications, none of which I asked for and one even specifically saying on the box that it does not have the ingredient I asked for. He said I wasn't specific enough. I said, "I need pseudoephedrine, which is in Sudafed." There is no earthly way I can possibly be more specific. We have a shared notes app that we use as a shopping list, but the chances of him actually looking at it are iffy. I would love to appreciate his sweet card, but I'm still sick and wondering how I'm going to find a place for these items and try to make sure they don't get lost and trying to get my work done and get prepared for a social event this weekend, which at this point, I don't even want to attend.
What I don't understand is how we got here. I have "mild OCD" according to the psychiatrist I saw to get help with my issues, and I'm usually pretty organized. I've never lost a phone, keys, wallet, purse. I always used to be able to find a charger when I needed one. When we first started dating and even when we got engaged, things weren't this bad. It seems like everything really blew up a few months before our wedding. It makes me wonder if something about me triggered something in his ADHD to get worse. I would love to discuss this with a counselor, but I don't think he's even open to admitting he has ADHD, even though he's a strong "yes" for every single attribute. I don't see how we can continue like this and ever be able to have any semblance of what I would consider a normal life.
So kudos if you've made it through all this. I'm writing it partly to vent, partly to throw it out there in case anyone can help in any small way with any suggestion, or at least maybe just to make someone else feel better because they can relate. I really feel for everyone on both sides of this and I wish there was just an easy solution like a vitamin.
The thing that hit me reading your post was when you said about telling him something and he makes jokes inbetween as your talking ....my boyfriend has adhd and he does this! And everytime my heart hurts because I just want him to be a grown adult and listen and for us to have adult conversations where he talks back too without the childish "voices" he puts on or him changing the subject before I've even finished. I try so hard to be sympathetic to his adhd but it honestly drains me at times
@@rosewest5168 Ugh, yes, I totally get that. Sorry you're going through this too.
@@peonypetal5405 You too ..thank you. I don't know what to do sometimes ..it helps reading other people's experiences
@@rosewest5168 hi Rose West , after reading your comments I realized that I was in the same your case , I had been dating a guy who has ADHD for 3 years , I had tried my best I can to made it work but we already done for 2 month , it hurting me so deeply that nobody in my family understands for what I have been go through this time . I don’t know who you are and where you from but the thing that Make me want to share my story as I can see the empathetic between all the peoples like us who has the partner with ADHD . Among this tough time. , I do a lot searching about ADHD and I absolutely understand all his struggles , I feel bad because I didn’t help him right way with his problem , I didn’t show my love enough like him did for me . I ask him for doing a lot of thing without caring about his feelings . Im so selfish I just think for my feeling more than him . I didn’t chose the right solution for our relationship especially when one other has adhd that was more harder for me and him . We did arguing and fighting regularly just for small stupid things . And every time like that it hurt me so badly because his impulsivity and over emotion, outbursts, meaning saying to me . I lived with him the guy 25 year old but sometimes I feel like I was exactly his mother more than his girlfriend. I had to take care everything by me self : cooking , paying bill , he tried to help me too but I didn’t know that was really hard for him to staying in task , but because he didn’t want to make me being upset so he keep trying and then his ADHD getting worse . I think I was not a good girlfriend, and you know what I’m Vietnamese I grow up in viet nam , my family and all things about tradition that I have to follow to please my parents that make me have to fight to myself every single day . They don’t like my boyfriend because he even didn’t have a good job , he changed jobs many times , and he doesn’t anything besides his love for me . I hope anyone out there can understand for everything I have to go through now … so painful so stressful, I do crying everyday , because nobody understands for me even my parents , I love him so such but he doesn’t want to be with me because he thinks that he did not make me happy and not able to make me happy with his adhd . I care about him a lot , I wish I can get other chances to make him happy, love him the right way , and fighting Adhd together even I know that’s never be easy but I don’t and never want to give up , the other thing hurt me more that he always remember about all the things that I made him being upset and hurting him inside even I just said or did when I’m angry or frustrated. He still remembers the thing he made me Hurting too , and he blamed for himself about that , I love this guy so much that I can sacrifice everything i can to make him happy And smile but he doesn’t wanna to look at that love , he just focus on the pain , the misunderstanding moments, nagging , mistakes, meaning taking that why we lost each other …. I hope that there is at least just one second he will pick the only good thing that my love will never change for him… i hope you will be stronger and be happy. Thank so much if you would read my story one day .
Me have ADHD. Need feel good chemicals in uncomfortable situation. Make joke.
Wow here I am bawling while making dinner. This hit home for me as a 35 year old who was recently diagnosed and I am just connected all the dots. Thank you.
I came across this episode while making dinner and when my bf got home I played it for him. We had just had a huge argument last week surrounding all the issues mentioned in the video. We were shocked how much the story resembles ours.
My husband was abused as a child, and he has ADHD. I'm a nurse and thankfully I learned a lot about ADHD in my courses. I was introduced to Ericksons stages of development and that ADHD kids don't naturally pass them due to all 7 executive functioning lobes not getting enough blood flow which equals lower dopamine levels, thus the impulsiveness! Most, if not all of them need meds and cognitive behavioral therapy (which I did with my kids) to learn to pass each stage successfully in order to function as healthy adults! If we dont pass a stage we can be stuck there in some ways and that can effect us in major ways as adults. I think that's what he meant by saying it's not solely genetic because studies have shown that kids who are medicated, get cognitive behavioral therapy (learning how to succeed) have higher rates of success in the non ADHD world. My husband at 45 is still struggling to love himself enough to put in the effort. It's much easier to teach a child than change an adult.
I explain adhd on and off meds like this: off meds a to do list, everything may get touched, but no task will be completed. On meds, put all of those items in a hat and pick one out at random. That one will get done. Thanks hyper focus.
I explain it as glasses for the mind.
Oh my gosh this is such a great explanation for me, navigating a marriage with my husband who has ADHD. Thank you so much!
Omg this is an excellent explanation how it is !!!
I write the list and then forget about it or lose it. :-/
I started dating someone with really bad ADHD, and I really like her and I want to see her grow.
Thank you Dr. John for inspiration and knowledge to help!
A lot of what he's saying sounds bunk. I grew up in a home where I was taught personal responsibility (I had to get myself up every day) but I'm still adhd. My dishes get done (most of the time) and I'm still adhd.
Me too! But, I’m going to get the book to see where I fit in. I can easily be childlike. I am 70 years old now and with help from the Lord, a wonderful therapist as well as a psychiatrist, I now recognize when I’m not connected to the current task. I then stop, take a deep breath and focus, focus, focus!😊🌸
ADHD is a spectrum, you would know that if you've been to an educated doctor.
My wife was recently diagnosed with ADHD and it filled in the gaps on why she acts a certain way. Unfortunately it has gotten to a point where I'm now her parent and to get the ball rolling for her
I was in a relationship like that and it effectively kills the romance. It felt like it was HER relationship that I participated in by ensuring all her needs were met. My needs were an inconvenience at best.
People that have this disorder need assistance, sure. But so do the partners that live with the constant chaos and disorganization that ADHD causes. It affects the whole family unit.
The help is so hard to find. Not many people specialize in ADHD. Not all that say they do really seem to understand how it affects a relationship. Those that do understand don't have room for new clients. It feels hopeless.
I have adhd and have to literally do everything. House and kids. And all he does is complain that it's not tidy. Or dinner is late or whatever.
Plus I work from home.
Wish he'd have some empathy and actually read up about adhd. He just thinks I'm lazy.
I've found that there isn't much support for people that have a spouse or partner with ADHD. We get told "just accept them as they are" and "be grateful you don't have to go through what their brains go through" But
...we DO go through it with them because their chaos affects everybody in the house. It's frustrating to have these feelings and even MORE frustrating when u have nowhere to put them.
Hey, Dr. Delony, you have some great videos about anxiety. I would love to hear more about coping mechanisms/ tools for ADHD.
Rebecca, I have ADHD pretty badly, but I control it pretty well with the following coping mechanisms
- I talk to my wife about what the world is like for me. I have a really hard time with details without the main idea, it starts a chain of ideas/imaginations that have nothing to do with the point. So she's learned to start with the main point and build.
- When I am tired, I hear and see everything kind of at the same level like my filter is broken or something. I ask my wife to touch my arm or hold my hand when she wants to talk, it helps a LOT.
- Limit "scrolling." The brain likes to do what it does often. Facebook, pinterest, changing channels, not deciding what to eat, etc is nearly the worst thing for my ADHD. It teaches my brain to flutter and I have to limit or get rid of it. Either STOP or MAKE A DECISION. So either I turn it off or I pick the next one no matter what.
- Make a habit of rest. Bedtime and morning routine. It's so important.
- Make habits intentionally.
- Focusing comes with practice. I start by thinking "do I have too much input or too little." Surprisingly it's usually "too little" I had bad grades in school because I was reading too slow and getting bored. Bored caused bad focus and I was easily distracted. Reading faster, even though I wasn't reading all words really increased my focus. So sometimes I think, "how can I make this harder, faster, more interesting?"
- Other times there's too much input. Usually I need rest.
- ADHD is an AMAZING TOOL. Learn to feel what it does and how to work with it not against it.
@@PartScavenger Fantastic post!
Also music! I’ve learned to “Pavlov” (of Pavlovs dog) my brain that a certain playlist is my “work” list. My “study” list etc.
To help you get to that point, listen to your created playlists and play binaural beats along side it. (There are apps for that)
Also, there is a flip side that I call “hyper focus”. It’s where I get so focused on a topic/subject where hours will pass by. You can try and be mindful of what triggers that, and use that as another tool. I have it down to where I activate that focus mode after just a few songs on my playlist.
@@RalstigRacing That's a cool tip I'll check it out. I find I get really agitated when people interrupt my hyper focus. It just feels so good and it's so productive.
if you don't already follow the channel How To ADHD, definitely do.
Through hugs??! This explains why a lot of my symptoms have gone! My husband gives THE BEST HUGS and we love to cuddle!!! 😍😍 It had been so healing for me~ especially since I needed more physical touch as a child ❤️
This brought tears to my eyes. So good to know that it is not over for me.
Wait did I misunderstand what he said? Did he say that ADHD is a result of your environment and not your biology? If so that’s ridiculous lol
No he said biological consequence. He said more than that but the part attached to the “environment “ was also attached to the word biological. His point is it’s not JUST one specific pin point issue therefore it’s not just one specific pin point fix. He saying it’s nature AND nurture. I think a lot of ppl have biological tendencies that may or may not nurture depending on experiences. So he is saying ADHD is one of them. This applies to mental health in general. Some ppl are able to live and learn easily while others struggle through things. This is why it’s important we are empathetic.
Scattered- By Gabor Mate. Get it, today. (No, I am NOT affiliated)
yea….a lot of his description//explanation of ADHD was rough.
@@l.garcia3344 sorry, I know this is a really late response haha I do agree but I feel like depending on what someone chooses to do with their life having ADHD would negatively impact them at some point if it’s not treated properly, no matter their environment growing up. Like I was diagnosed at 26 and struggled with school my whole life but thought that was “normal”, it really affected my self confidence as well. I later started my professional career and got married, my inability to focus/stay organized really negatively affected me and thats when my co-workers and significant other suggested getting tested for ADHD.
I think it’s something that can be managed without medication but sometimes that isn’t enough imo.
As research has developed psychs lean toward it being more nurture than nature. You're just behind on the research
It's so disappointing that a "Dr." would tell that ADHD is merely environmental, and not medical/biological at all. To even suggest this is ridiculous, and harmful to ADHDers - like myself.
Please do more on adhd!!!
Dr Thomas Brown is an expert on ADHD doctor … ua-cam.com/video/bnMsM2W_0rI/v-deo.html
Dude, go back to school... It is an organic brain issue.. studies prove that the impulse control center has zero to no brakes on it... I've lived all my life this way and most of it undiagnosed.... It's not a fun thing when people try to tell you how to not forget a task at work as if it's so easy ....not without alarms and lists.. Ughhhhhh I wish I didn't have it.
And it's also genetic.... Many people in my family have it....
I agree
I’m glad he discussed in more detail what was meant with living in a chaotic environment. My parents were not absentee parents and they spoiled me rotten, so obviously I just assumed from the original statement that maybe my diagnosis was wrong. Once he cleared up what he meant I then realized how my life was chaotic. My parents did not like to discuss their pasts and had a difficult time expressing their feelings, couple that with moving just about every year for 13 years. I can see now that my chaos would be me always needed to learn a new way to live in a different environment almost every year and not truly know who my parents were cause they just didn’t like to talk about themselves at all. So a bit of damage was done and now I live in a different but successful way. This was a good video.
Wow! we have the same ADHD life story, I was not able until now to actually articulate what I have been through but this is it. My parents were the same. Im 36
As much I love and respect Dr mate , also I understand how much the environment and trauma can effect us , but from my experience medication is a necessity and changed my life , although it's not the only thing that I need but it's fundamental . I believe ADHD is mainly genetic neurological disorder that the environment could also effect to a certain extent
I would like to hear some advice on dealing with an ADHD spouse where the neurotypical partner doesn’t have to pick up the slack.
i thought you cheated on her
If she was blind or injured would you pick it some slack? My "partner" complains about a messy house yet won't lift a finger. Literally doesn't clean. The oboy dishes he washes are the plate and cutlery HE uses. Not mine and not OUR children's. We bought a hoover in Nov 21. He used it twice in those 17 months.
He knows I struggle hugely with laundry. Especially putting it away. So instead of putting the clean laundry away after I've washed, dried and folded it he leaves it in the baskets and complains.
He works 37 hours a week plus works on his farm. I work 50 hours from home while taking care of the kids and do all the cooking, shopping, cleaning.
"Picking up the slack" only counts when you do your fair share.
So you didn’t help her. How does SHE cope?? In the meantime. Between now and “results”, how does SHE manage the adult child at home?? You told her to read a book.
adhd dosent mean adult child
Sounds like you’ve got some personal issues that got triggered listening to this video
I have ADHD(unmedicated) and my wife needs to take care of paying the bills and mortgage because my short term memory is atrocious. She is happy to do it too as she understands we are a team. We do have a very healthy relationship, it is possible, you both just need to get on the same page and the person with ADHD needs personal responsibility to be very high on their priorities list and acknowledge that they do have weaknesses in some areas so they can focus on improving them
Beautiful. Well done you for your self-awareness. The problem is when they are in denial
Same here. ADHD is my curse and my strength. I am jack of all trades, master of none. I have many talents but I'm not great at anything.
That’s wonderful but it should be temporary. Hear me out: Life happens and things sometimes don’t go the way we plan. We don’t wish these things to happen but it is a possibility that the wife can pass away first. There should be a system in place the husband takes part in now to where he can manage financially, physically etc after she’s gone and not spiral out of control, no?
Over 10 years ago. I lived in an apartment, I was served with orders to appear in court because I forgot to pay my rent lmfaoooo.
Well said. As a team you both have different strengths. My husband (ADHD) and I share responsibilities, but we don’t set him up to fail by giving him one’s that are super hard for him. I think accepting each others reality without one person taking over is very important and also very difficult. Always a work in progress.
Also, any discussion on the dopamine lows. That's proven
If your spouse has ADHD and there's something you would like him to help you with, writing him a clear list of tasks can really help. Put that "Honey Do List" in a visible place he'll see everyday, like on the fridge. Be specific though. Don't write vague things like "help around the house", instead write specific things like "help me wash dishes after dinner".
Doing activities together that naturally raise dopamine is a great way to support him, and benefit you too. Things like running together, balancing exercises (yoga, etc.), and regular sex really help when done consistently. When his brain chemistry is in balance, it will be a lot easier for him to show up for you.
Keep loving him and treat him as an adult. He doesn't mean to forget things, or lose track of time. Celebrate his strengths, and help him mitigate his weaknesses. We all have both strengths and weaknesses.
Honey Do Lists do not work for those with ADHD. lol
I am the partner with adhd and i still have to hold my household together with special needs kids and a husband with an anger problem.......adhd doesnt mean immature and not dependable
This is interesting. I'm Autistic and my husband is not and over the years some of my behaviour has has definitely been misunderstood and caused issues. I'd recommend learning more about ADHD so you don't always take your husbands actions personally and maybe learn some strategies for certain situations.
This one had me thinking a lot yesterday. Thank you for the call and of course for speaking truth to this topic!
Yeeessssss finally something super relatable to me
I don't expect Dr. John to see this, but the danger of calls like this is when the person with ADHD is married to someone who is A-type, narcissistic, or has other toxic or controlling traits.
I know that ADHD is difficult to live with. I have it. I know friends who have spouses with it. I know it's tough and I hate it. But when it comes to me, as a woman ... I know that being married to me is not like having a 3rd child. Yes, I forget to pay bills, I hate making calls and I am disorganized. But I have things I do VERY well, despite ADHD, because I didn't have a helicopter parent. Helicopter parents are making this far worse. My parents were legal immigrants who didn't speak the language. If I was late for school or my grades were failing ... no one else got involved. Serious consequences happened (as they should) and that taught me how to function. I know that if I have an appointment, I need to work time backwards in my head. I map the drive, factor in how long it takes to get ready, and then I add 20 to 30 minutes in case of unexpected traffic, accidents, etc. I am always early for critical appointments. And shockingly, I have maintained the same job for many years! I was forced to learn ways around my issues. But no matter how much I have advanced, I still have issue ... Time blindness when it comes to tasks is real. I always make a list thinking I'll get 75% through, only to realize that 1) I get distracted so I do things that weren't on the list, but also 2) I severely underestimate the time I will need to do most things. I'm lucky if I get a quarter of the items done. I ask people if they saw Willie Wonka, the original movie- not the junk remakes. Then I ask if they remember Mike TV ... the kid that shrunk himself. You saw all the pixelated pieces floating. Those parts are my thoughts. I don't know how to put them in order, I don't know how to prioritize. I'm often mentally exhausted and overwhelmed which leads to procrastination. But here's the most horrific part ... I don't want ADHD. Who the hell wants to have it? I already have low self esteem ... then to hear someone else, complaining that their partner's ADHD hurts THEM, makes me feel unlovable, when I have so much love to give.
Yes, ADHD in a person can cause depression in their spouse. True. And I am soooooo sorry. But I did research. Do you know what else causes depression in a partner? OCD, Bipolar, PTSD, Narcissism, BPD, Autism, addictive personalities, etc .... and let's get away from behavioral issues. When a person has cancer, MS, Parkinsons, Alzheimers, Fibromyalgia, etc - that will cause depression in their spouse. If you suffer from clinical depression or anxiety, that will cause depression in your spouse.
What happens to YOU, happens to your spouse.
Marriage is beautiful, but hard. The vows are for better or worse, not because worse might come to pass. It will. You can't control life. Talk to someone married 50 or 60 years and see if their lives were flawless. Heck no they weren't! But these people knew that love isn't a feeling, it's a choice. They stuck out the tough parts until the better parts happened again. They worked to make the good come back ...
You can choose never to marry. But the joke's on you. Loneliness causes depression. As does hookup culture. Believe it or not, we weren't designed to sleep around like today's toxic people insist. Human beings are designed for communion. We long to be known deeply and intimately, and we long to know someone else like that. We long to share our lives with one person. Marriage is hard. Divorce affects over half of all relationships and no, ADHD is not affecting all of those marriages that failed. There is a plethora of reasons that marriages don't make it and generally, I'm more willing to bet it's selfishness ... people divorce for irreconcilable differences when the reality is, that's BS. No matter how great your connection is to someone, life will get in the way and you won't be 100% compatible with anyone. The reality is, with determination, being 51% compatible is enough. And it's not just hobbies, it's values, beliefs, etc ... added in. The rest of the 49% is on you to form healthy friendships and also, to value alone time. A lot of people suck at alone time. They want validation, affirmation. Your spouse should be the icing on your completed cake. But if you, the cake, are baked without eggs ... even the most perfect frosting won't fix it. Eventually, that awesome frosting will go sour.
This caller admitted to having PTSD. She was married to someone abusive. Is she now more nagging? Is she impatient? His ADHD might make her issues worse, and in turn, her issues make his ADHD worse. A lot of times, people don't work to heal before they get into a new connection. I think I saw Dr. John once say it doesn't matter what happened in his past, it's not his wife's problem. HE needs to fix it. And that's right. These two people need help. I'm glad she's calling in but I can tell you, sometimes these videos scare me. I've seen it. They empower abusive people. A narcissistic person listening to this is now turning to his wife and saying: "See? See how hard it is to live with you! You're lucky I'm dealing with you." And that person with ADHD who already feels like crap about themselves, feels unworthy of love and will remain stuck in the abuse. This is a fact. ADHD should not be a crutch for the person with it ... nor for the person who is the partner. When the non-adhd person blames everything on the ADHD, they act like their own crap doesn't stink (yet no perfect partner exists). No, ADHD is not easy to deal with and I promise you, it's not easy to have it either. Once upon a time, I was single. Only I dealt with it. To me, it was NORMAL. Then when I got married, I saw it affect my husband. That devastates me. And on top of having ADHD, we have a terminally ill child, our only child. So no one can tell me ADHD will just get better if I work on it. I can't control the trauma of hospitals and care giver burnout. I can't control life. And neither can anyone who took the time to read thru. Each person is flawed ... we need to keep trying.
I get it, and I'm sorry. You're a champion for persisting and for putting words to your story with gusto.
As a mother who has a child with ADHD, I disagree with Dr. Deloney. I did not cause my child's condition or create an environment conducive to it.
I think what he may be saying is that a lot of times, if a person is given the right tools to succeed, they're likely to do that regardless of a diagnosis. Adhd persists through a persons life, it's not your fault they have the condition but you definitely are responsible if you haven't given them the tools to manage the condition.
@@equimola3954 yes but he's saying its strictly caused from the environment you grow up in, which isn't true
I agree with you, he has definitely no idea what he is talking about and is spreading misinformation. Adhd is 70-80% genetic, the rest is developed during pregnancy (drugs, alcohol) or injuries during or after birth to the frontal lobe.
Environments (like bad parenting, neglect, abuse during childhood, etc.) can make symptoms worse but they don't cause it, it's a 100% medical condition.
Yes he is wrong. Much of the evidence is genetic and passed down often from the father.
John is in denial of what ADHD actually is, and in denial of how it actually affects him. I know how hard it is to want to be normal so badly, but not be able to. John needs to get help for himself.
And why do you feel this way? Genuine question
It feels so good to hear Dr. Delony talk about how ADHD and anxiety and depression are not diseases and all the other information he gives on this. Love to hear more!
That's the one thing I think he got wrong. Sometimes they are diseases and sometimes they are not. You can have depression, and ADHD clinically from birth. You can also get them both from life circumstances and how you deal with those events. Either way there are strategies to live a responsible adult life. But some people will never be able to cure their ADHD like he has. But they can learn strategies to manage them.
Dave Ramsay's Dr Oz here is literally the only place I've ever heard ADHD chalked up to environmental factors. Every authority on the subject I've encountered has claimed it's genetic. Why do you think some kids who grow up together often don't share a diagnosis?
Yes! Thank you for saying that! I thought it was medical/biological. That ADHD brains are physically different than neuro-typical brains. I have a very hard time accepting that it’s all environmental influences.
It's both for me.
I mean we know the which broken gene it is and we know that it seriously affects how the brain processes dopamine. It’s really not debatable that there is a major biological factor at play.
I think it's both, just like you can have depression clinically from birth, and created through life experience, the same goes for ADHD if you look at as a group of symptoms. Which is why all the authorities on the subject say you need to show symptoms of ADHD all the way from childhood. But even then I think he is right, it can be caused by the way you are raised. But I don't think that is always the case.
@@kristinecrowley8321 I agree. ADHD runs in my family. I knew by the time my oldest was two that he had inattentive type ADHD. My youngest showed signs of hyperactive type ADHD almost from birth (very poor sleeper, easily overstimulated but also craved stimulation, very emotionally sensitive, any change in ambient sound would wake him up whether it was from quiet to loud or conversation to quiet or a new speaker added to a conversation, etc.). As he’s grown, it’s become more and more obvious.
Lies ..I grew up in a completely healthy home and struggle. I think things are different for men and women also. You're teaching according to your experience.. and quitting isn't an option
Thank you for this wisdom. So timely!
My gf has adhd (was diagnosed as add) This has helped me get a better understanding. Thank you!! I think I'm going to look into getting that book.
I think both are the similar in that with ADD, you aren’t as hyper as someone with ADHD.
@@numanuma20 they're the same thing. It's a spectrum, just like autism.
@@numanuma20 i say it that way because it's no longer in the dsm. I believe it was taken out after 4 (published in the 70's). So as of 2013, ADD cannot be diagnosed. However she was given the diagnosis before the dsm 5 was published. As 1q1 said, she'd be placed on the spectrum of ADHD if diagnosed now.
Sorry if I made anyone confused.
Are you still together?
@@sarahserenity3872 yes! Going on 3 years in October. :) and funnily enough going through the process of testing for ADHD for myself.
This is my life. It's so hard and defeating knowing that the person it requires to fix it won't. So either you leave or suffer through. It's so hard.
oh my goodness i need help my partner have ADHD and i am so tired i need help
Same. I've seen many wives with ADHD spouses say that you should get out while you can/asap because it just gets worse as they get older. I'm leaning towards divorce.
@@sarahserenity3872 it been on my mind going to get some counseling on this it so frustrating did not know it get worse as you get older Thank you for letting me know Take care of yourself
@@sarahserenity3872 are you guys divorce yet and is he on treatment
@@fumnibamiteko9968 No and not really. He is on meds for depression which helps depression and his Rejection sensitivity and a little bit w his emotional regulation. We are having trouble getting the ADHD meds. We also want to get couples counseling from a clinical psychologist who specializes in ADHD but have not done that yet either. It costs $180 per session.
@@julial1450 I don't think it necessarily does. I just googled, and all I've seen is that it doesn't and can get better with treatment. But I'm biased in my hopes. My husband is severely ADHD, and I love him, but he makes my life so chaotic.
I have ADHD as an adult and after learning to care that I exist it really helped push through the rest. It really is one day at a time with ADHD and you need to reach out for support just for your own sanity.
Ugh I know it’s stupid but I just always hope I’ll find someone who is so balanced and secure that they won’t mind keeping things afloat. It’s somewhat easier as a woman, as many men feel like they’re supposed to provide. But I can’t be surprised if my adhd causes problem in future relationships. My ex idealized me so much that he never wanted to criticize me but more healthy partners definitely will.
My adhd is really severe. Caused by childhood trauma. I feel like I will never be a fully functioning human being and it scares me so much
Thank you! My son has ADHD. I am going to read that book.
Gabor Maté is not an expert on ADHD he is NOT TO BE FOLLOWED for advice on this subject. His advice is not based on research, but his own feelings. He’s an MD, family medicine.
As a person living with but not romantic with a person with add/adhd for years, it’s been so frustrating. And sorry but after all that time, putting up with the behaviors, the non help, mess, forgetfulness, the no gratitude, selfishness, the excuses have to stop. Recognize and get help or get out. Even when I ask for help in the house it’s ignored
I wish I would have had this information a year ago. It would have forced me to raise more awareness against the couples counselor that was not taking my mental health and my partners ADHD into consideration while suppressing us... or not supporting us...
Can you add the recommended book to the description?
Its called Scattered by Gabor Mate
I wish I had known this was a thing before I got trapped in the quicksand. The most messed up thing about this is that the ADHD person is naturally drawn to partners who are more conscientious, and didn’t at all sign up to lose access to sex once that conscientious person began to judge their shortcomings
This is the best response I’ve ever heard about ADHD. I was diagnosed with it as a boy and grew out of it to act like an adult as I got older.
noone grows out of it ever! you just get better at working with it. But it's important to remember you don't grow out of it because it does use up extra brain space or "bandwidth" that can make it extra difficult when you've got lots of demands.
My husband has ADHD but I was not aware of any of this. I am really far into the relationship. Basically the part that she’s wary of ending up in.
But the thing is he is physically healthy and works everyday, but never grows from an entry level position.
I am a QMHP working toward my LPC licensure. I been with my hubby since 03, daughter 04 married 07 daughter 08. I realize my husband has ADHD just now because it’s getting worse. He makes 6 figures but mental health is spiraling. Although I have experience in the field, I know how to deal with my clients with it but not my husband which Brings me here . Lots of years invested so I’m gonna try hard! Im not leaving because of a mental health issue unless he resist helps.
@@arenat9705 I feel like I’m trying very hard, but I’m so exhausted. I’m struggling to convince him to do therapy. Or for us both to do therapy… even as you text me I’m “hiding” out at a park just to not hear him constantly complaining and nagging about horrible his life is, while I carry most of the weight. We don’t have kids together but we’ve been married since 2010.
@@Kharizmah It just hit me today that he has this. I’m not asking him to get help, I’m scheduling the session. If I’m good enough to schedule appointments with his PCP or his dentist or anything else then I’m scheduling this as well. I think what makes it hard is I work in the field of work and of course he doesn’t see what he does and thinks I’m labeling him. I never told him this is what i think he has but i read him how adhd looks and he check the fuckin box on majority of things. Of course I say we can go together but the amount of stress that is coming from this is unbearable. Like i been with his so long and he think I’m gonna lie about what I experience with him? I’m not lying when I say good things but now I’m not telling the truth when he thinks it’s bad? I just want to be 100% happy but also don’t want to leave because he suffers from a mental health issue but it’s gonna take someone else to tell him other than me.
What about your significant other as an accountability partner? Should I not do that?
As what point do you “cross the line”?
I would like to know this too
Can you please talk more about first solutions for adult with ADD/ADHD?
Is it therapy (and what kind of therapy), diet, etc? Thank you!
Woof. Just finalized a divorce after a decade with an ex that had ADHD and generalized anxiety. ADHD spousal burnout is very real. Hoping others are able to find solutions sooner rather than later ❤
My husband has ADHD I love him!
But he does feel like a child sometimes 😂
It’s hard to connect with them when they’re so in their own little world and easily distracted
i have the opposite issue, adhd spouse treats me like a child literally everyday. sorry for anyone who has this… but if i ever remarry i will never marry a person with adhd. its traumatic.
we dont care either why would someone marry a loser name harris shob and you generalizing abliest all you do is go on these videos and bash adhd people q
I also recommend the books by Melissa Orlov. She writes about the ADHD Effect on Marriage.
Could i ask for the name of rhe book please ?
Thanks for the great video! Should have that in my next VIDS 👍
Hmm learnt a lot about my ADHD.
I don't agree.
Wow. this is the first video I’ve heard that’s MY SITUATION!!! My exact situation. And I just broke up with him two weeks ago. I couldn’t take it anymore. He just played video games and was just here. He had no real presence, no intuitive thinking or decision making, always doing dumb stuff. He drove me CRAZY because i became his mom freal. Even in the bedroom and for work. It’s so much. Too much. I let it got. But good for you for trying girl. My daughter was happy he was gone. She told me she could see it and knew it was coming because he wasn’t enough. And she’s eleven!!!! I’m so happy and at peace and so are my kiddos.
You left for his adhd disability
Same here, I was cleaning the house and I found methylphenidate medication in a cabinet and I’m currently bringing this up with him
It almost sounds to me that adhd is born out of parents who didn’t discipline their kids, nor had rules for them to follow. So literally EVERYTHING was allowed to flow freely.
Does that sound about right? If so would this also mean that they’re aware of their actions, but feel it’s ok since they’ve never been told otherwise?
Please don't believe him. Adhd does not come from "bad parenting", that's complete nonsense! It has been scientifically proven that it is 70-80% genetic (they were able to pinpoint the responsible genes) and the rest is through injuries to the frontal lobe after birth and development issues during pregnancy (through drugs, smoking, alcohol etc.).
No, ADD is not "caused" by a lack of discipline. Some ADD kids are overly punished due to their lack of ability to focus and that certainly wouldn't cure them.
I just listened to this and was really sad by the way you described the ADHDer. I am one, like you and I am not a kid who needs to grow up. It is not an adult acting like a kid and you really need to work on how you talk about that. This is not an environmental disorder. You said it had some genetic component which you skipped over, but it is very genetic. I was looking for something to share with my non adhd spouse and this is Definitely not that.
We need more of this!!
I start something and after few days I think I figured it out and move on to something new
With me as a figure skater I like time management and I’m a morning person and my spouse messes with my schedule and my plans which drives me insane especially that I have dyslexia myself I can’t take care of a grown man when I try to educate myself on things I need to work on.
Omg 🥺this is me … this is my life omg I’m living her life
what you have an adhdhusband
I agree one hundred percent. I have A.D.D., attention deficit disorder sometimes the H, the hyper part,comes out. All of what he’s talking about is so true. Time for an person with ADD or ADHD doesn’t exist in the person’s mind. However, I disagree with you John saying it is just a psychological issue and not a medical one. My medical doctor diagnosed me with ADD.
Yup, I have multiple alarms for tasks... I even have alarms for my alarms to keep me on track... If not for this, is be late or in trouble ....
Omg, this is so me!!! Exactly
You can literally scan someone brain to diagnose adhd. They use other tests because they are less expensive and just as effective. It is biological. It’s because there wasn’t enough dendrite pruning in utero. This is the cause of adhd. It is 100% biological. Treatments however vary and medications aren’t right for everyone. There are a lot of different therapies.
I think my boyfriend mother is a big part of why he breaks things when upset
Love Gabor. He is incredible.
AMAZING!
This sounds just like my relationship
Wow this is terrible
I don't agree with his statement that ADHD is not a disease. You can't actually get rid of true ADHD. But you can learn strategies to deal with it. You can get organized and hold a day job, and be a responsible parent. There is a type of ADHD you can get by how you were raised and what you do with your idle time. I think there is a reason there are growing numbers of ADHD people. But I don't think that is true ADHD. Just like depression, there are people that are clinically depressed from childhood, and people that become depressed because of life's situations. I'm guessing that DR Johns ADHD was the type of ADHD caused by life situations. Yes, that type can be cured. ADHD is really just a group of symptoms. You can get permanent ADHD from a head trauma injury for example. There is so little we even know about it at this point that for him to say that I am living proof that you can overcome ADHD makes it sound like all ADHD fit into the same boat. I think he said it better when he stated that not everyone who has ADHD has the same symptoms. This is way more accurate. Because most likely there could be 10 or 20 different types of ADHD caused by different things. We just don't know enough about the human brain to know the cause of each one.
Wow this hits hard. 🥺
I needed to hear this!
Thank you!!!!!
do you have adhd
My husband does.
@@annen.mcpherson2662 is he treated
He was on dexedrine for 15 years then decided he was going to work with it on his own. He has been medicine free for 6 years.
We’re learning as we go!
Scattered minds: Dr. Gabor mate
Gabor Mate is wrong! ADHD is very much genetic and not borne of environment. I have no working memory, I can't sit still and my mind never stops ticking. None of that has anything to do with nurture.
It’s like he’s telling someone with a broken leg that the way to fix it is to just get up and start running and lifting weights and jump roping. This is one of the first times I not only disagree, but strongly 1000% disagree with him. I’ve never wanted someone else to have to struggle with ADHD, but in this instance… you obviously have absolutely no idea whatsoever what it is like to have to live with ADHD. 🤦🏽♀️🤦🏽♀️🤦🏽♀️
Heal?? Fix?? I think there can be ways to manage it a bit better… but heal? Recover? Fix?? It just sounds like you’re saying, “Look at me! I’m an adult! I did it! If I can do it, so can you!” 🤨
My son is a good home, but different since he was in a womb.
Dr Gabor Mate is ahhhmazing!
This is some garbage advice and filled with incorrect info. Dude, don’t talk about a subject if you don’t know about it. Just say that you don’t knoe
Adhd is actually more largely genetic, rather than environmental.
If only we had an ADHD simulator for ALL doctors!
I’m struggling with an adhd spouse and he breaks things when he is upset my things as well
Gabor mate has really messed up peoples understanding of the disorder. Didnt even specialise in adhd and now people thinks he is the best person to listen to for it. Fml
Let’s get a recap on. 🌟🙏🏻
We both have it one of us in denial.
Unless you want to micromanage a adult for your entire relationship. Don't get into a relationship with them. My son had it and it was hell.
Its healed through connection.....thats good. Though ADHD IS biological.
You are not your diagnosis.
My wife has severe ADHD and very controlling, its her way and im doomed....Her son which lives with us has ADHD and hes 40...She thinks he does not wrong.................What should i do? I have no say so and when I do, im the wrong one.....She blames everything on me....