Introduction: Adult ADHD & Relationships (Part I)
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- Опубліковано 4 лют 2016
- Is Adult ADHD Hurting Your Life - and Your Relationship?
Would you like to stop the ADHD Roller Coaster - or at least better enjoy the ride?
I can help!
As the leading international educator on this topic, I've worked for 22 years to clarify confusion and steer you in the right direction.
NEW - LEARN WITH ME ONLINE!
SOLVING YOUR ADULT ADHD PUZZLE - INDIVIDUALS, COUPLES, PROFESSIONALs
ginapera.adhdsuccesstraining....
This is the training and support that everyone affected by Adult ADHD needs. But it's almost impossible to find. I bring it directly to you, wherever in the world you are. At your pace.
IT'S NEVER JUST ABOUT "ADHD RELATIONSHIPS"
It’s about the whole shebang!
ADHD's predictable challenges can seep into every aspect of life - employment, health, sleep, money, co-parenting, driving, and sexual intimacy. Letting ADHD symptoms go poorly managed risks making everything worse.
YOU DESERVE BETTER!
You deserve better than therapists and prescribers typically provide. Coaching sometimes helps with specific issues. But it does not provide the comprehensive education and support most need to truly get traction.
You deserve proven Adult ADHD strategies. You deserve training in practical approaches-with guidance and support with the emotional and psychological issues.
I’ve worked with thousands of individuals to:
-Make sense of their lives
-Tame the chaos
-De-mystify dysfunctional patterns
-Work more pro-actively with your prescriber
-Get on the path to healing
MY FIRST PRESENTATION - STILL RELEVANT!
This 9-part series is from 2009. Russell Barkley, PhD, was the other keynote speaker at this CADDAC conference. Since then, I've only deepened my expertise.
My work has earned praise from preeminent experts. My four groundbreaking works:
-Is It You, Me, or Adult A.D.D.?
-Adult ADHD-Focused Couple Therapy: Clinical Interventions
-Counseling Couples with ADHD (a chapter in the clinical guidebook produced by Russell Barkley, PhD)
-New - An online program available to you in your own space, at your own pace
ginapera.adhdsuccesstraining....
OVERVIEW OF THIS VIDEO SERIES:
- (Part 1) Introduction: An overview of Adult ADHD, including the "emotional baggage” (14:24)
- (Part 2) How does poorly managed Adult ADHD affect intimate relationships? Both partners develop their own poor coping strategies. (10:52)
- (Part 3) Overview: Five Strategies for Change (13:23)
- (Part 4) Top 10 Problems in ADHD Relationships - and Solutions: Overview (2:10)
- (Part 5) Solving Communication Problems in ADHD Relationships (2:06)
- (Part 6) Improving Time Management (4:23)
- (Part 7) Improving Task-Completion Strategies in ADHD relationships (1:38)
- (Part 8) Eliminating Clutter (3:44)
- (Part 9) Curbing Impulsivity (4:36)
PLEASE NOTE: On the way to this conference, I caught a bad cold on the flight to Toronto, leaving my tonsils the size of bowling bowls. And the room was very hot. So, I apologize for any distracting attempts to keep breathing!
For more information on CADDAC www.caddac.ca
Note this description may contain affiliate links that allow you to find the items mentioned in this video and support the channel at no cost to you. While this channel may earn minimal sums when the viewer uses the links, the viewer is in no way obligated to use these links. Thank you for your support!
Video link: • Introduction: Adult AD...
#adultadhd #adhd #ginapera #adhdrelationships - Навчання та стиль
![ЛЕБЕДЕВ у ДУДЯ: муху не обманешь 😁 [Пародия]](http://i.ytimg.com/vi/E74h5fvVrqs/mqdefault.jpg)
People think I’m playing mind games by being hot/cold or that I’m narcissistic. But I’m hyper focussed/inattentive & chronically distracted. Ive had family cut me off to “teach me a lesson”, because I would miss calls & respond late to texts & forget about family events/show up late. They didn’t actually teach me a lesson, it just caused more confusion & pain - I felt so alone 💔
Hi Eve,
Ach. I'm sorry you've had to deal with that.
The thing about ADHD: "Learning one's lesson" is very difficult. Because it's not that you don't know the lesson -- it's that you cannot perform based on what you know!
You aren't alone, though. Many smart, well-intentioned, great people with ADHD deal with this problem.
Many eventually find ways to conquer it by nailing an organizational/calendar system. And some find that medication enables them to do that.
hang in there.
Gina
I understand the sadness but I just trying to learn more about ADHD. All respect!! So why do you miss calls and respond late?.Why not set reminders on your mobile phone if your mind is ADHA. You have tools. Why not use what’s available? Timers, reminders, etc.. it seems to me that if you have tools to remind you and you aren’t using the tools, i say you’re not using all of your resources to help you. All respect!! ❤️
It's cuz everyone can't just rearrange themselves for your inability to to follow through. It's just pointless at some point you move on. The issue is you gotta learn to divide your emotions from every thing that is difficult, doesn't work, or you don't like.
Yes to all of this my sister. I'm 36 living at home and been from job to job while working hard at them but just not being a good fit. My family keeps telling me to "grow up" even though I'm trying therapy and even been to a facility years ago for a night. It was awful. I'm getting better by focusing a new career switch.
Hi there,
"All respect?" Seriously? :-)
You are telling people with ADHD what they've been hearing for years....."If you would only....."
If you truly want to learn about ADHD, please do that. Listen to these videos.
You don't learn about it by repeating the same old tired criticisms in the guise of "helpful advice." :-)
People with ADHD are not generally of low intelligence. They KNOW that if they want to arrive on time - but have trouble doing so - they should set a timer.
Remembering to set that timer? Backing up in time to figure out when they should leave to be at the event? Doing what the reminder alarm indicates.....when one must have reminders about practically everything?
Not so easy.
Typically, it's not that people with ADHD are asking everyone to be more patient and forgiving -- while they go on arriving late, if at all, forgetting or not delivering on promises, etc.
It's that, before they knew it was ADHD, the criticisms they received were very hurtful. No one could see they weren't behaving this way on purpose. They didn't mean to. They didn't know why they couldn't. Then they learn about ADHD and, with any luck, find treatment.
But sometimes their loved ones refuse to even consider the possibility then.
I hope this gives you a glimmer into the world of ADHD.
g
I've just been diagnosed with ADHD (extreme) at age 45. Gina, I showed your video to my partner as part of my huge apology for the poor bugger having to put up with me for the past 3 years we've been together. I thank you for sharing your insight. The biggest take home was "the partner with ADHD has ADHD, the partner suffers from ADHD". I'm on day 6 of meds post diagnosis and have been in tears and feeling robbed of a lifetime of opportunities and happiness thanks to not being diagnosed as a kid in the 80s. I feel so relieved yet massively apologetic to all that have had to suffer my weird ways over the years. THANK YOU!
I'm tearing up here.... I never stop being bowled over by the reports of "before" and "after" medication.
It's why I do what I do. Because it can be HUGE.
I'm so thankful that you found my work helpful -- and that you left a comment to inspire others.
Take care,
g
It’s no consolation but lm nearly 55 yrs old and am just going to hopefully have my diagnosis.
Jase, how do you feel on the meds? What differences have you noticed?
I'm where you were a year ago. How are you 1 year later? Did you continue medication?
My mother always said "You just wait until you have children", I never said anything but decided when I was very young that that would never happen as long as I had any control over the situation. I am seventy three now and I have lived a life free from all those problems that she found so unbearable.
I am so sorry that happened to you. All for want of knowledge.
Of course, having children isn't for everyone.
But still, it's important to know why one is making that choice. Otherwise, it's not a choice.
This. I knew at 8 I wasn't ever going to have kids. Because I didn't want them to feel the way I did.
Learn about the symptoms. Learn who you are. You learn how to rock. Adhd crew we've got this.
My husband has ADHD, APD, PTSD.... misunderstood, communication problems ⚠️ . Now I have very low self-esteem. I'm so exhausted and depressed. I try so hard to understand ..., I want to save my marriage.
Dear Sirirat,
"Understanding" is good. But it depends on what exactly you are understanding.
Being compassionate, knowing how hard he struggles, knowing that he cannot give you the attention and consideration you deserve .....this is not where it should end. This is only the beginning.
Being compassionate and understanding about a partner's poorly managed ADHD starts with learning all you can, including the evidence-based treatment strategies. You probably have to take the lead here.
I encourage you to read my first book (amzn.to/2PPyAke....available on Kindle in most non-US countries) and my blog (ADHDRollerCoaster.org).
Take care of yourself. Life might only get worse if you don't take charge of this situation one way or the other.
g
I feel exhausted by my ADHD partner and honestly think about leaving him all of the time.
Yes, living with another person's poorly managed ADHD is no way to live.
And sometimes, the farther we sink into the chaos and various financial challenges, health issues, etc...the harder it is for us to re-claim our lives.
I encourage you to think seriously about what you want from your life. Your partner will not think of it for you.
take care,
g
Diagnosed at 70, I didn't know throughout my life why I failed at everything even relationships and I divorced at age 30 never having had a working relationship before or since. I really think my spouse was also afflicted with undiagnosed ADD also and still is. Any relationship of mine would be going smoothly for a couple of years until I had a meltdown and needed to be left alone. Mind you, since I am a calm introvert my meltdowns were always silent and internal. I would just shut the other person out without explanation and not answer door knocks or calls. Also every project I began never got finished. So at my late age knowing my patterns I no longer seek friends or relationships. I have my pets and my routine and this is satisfying enough.
HI there, I'm glad you've found some explanations finally. I've met many folks in their 80s who, upon learning about ADHD, are so relieved. Like you, they are mostly living satisfied lives. But still, there was always that underlying sense of "why". Now they have answers.
It's not too late, though, to consider treatment. You might be surprised with your "new" abilities.
Take care
Hi folks,
When I switched from a personal to a "branded" UA-cam channel, all my responses to these comments were lost. I do try to respond to each one.
Thanks,
Gina
My hubby informed me he was ADD 17 years ago from the beginning. He was diagnosed as a child. ALl he knows about it is that ritalin made him mean, so his parents put him on coffee and beatings. SO all these years I had no idea his disorganized thing, his inability to pick up after himself and his inability to organize kitchen tasks, was not a problem with him deliberately making my life Hell. But as long as I have been able to take care of all these things, well, I could take care of it. But now I'm disabled, and he is "responsible " for everything and he can't do it.
Hi again,
That's the problem with "over-compensating" for a partner's poorly managed ADHD. At some point, you just can't keep it up.
Please read my book. You need a solid foundation of education, especially now.
good luck.
Thank you for your presentation. I'm 24 years old, and sometimes I joke about having some sort of attention disorder because of certain things I did or did not do, but after really honing in on my problems and habits, I'm starting to be certain that I do have ADHD. I even joke about not being able to sit still during a movie. It kind of all makes sense now.
I'm smart, but I struggle with organization. I was in college becoming a paralegal, and after two months, my teacher told me that I obviously didn't really give a crap so why was I there? But I really did care... I was just distracted by other things. It could be anything in my life. When assignments started to get harder such as writing case briefs, essays or preparing presentations (what I really enjoy), he started to notice that I am actually intelligent... I was just really bored and didn't put in work for the minuscule things. Sometimes I had to read cases twice, and I never saw that as an issue, just thought that's how I absorbed information better. I struggled in the beginning and also had an issue with attendance, or my lack thereof, was my downfall. But I managed to get a high GPA and when I asked him if he thought I could be a lawyer, he said I could be a judge on the Supreme Court bench, I just had to learn to care and focus.
I've had three jobs in the last two years. I get bored and I also struggle with impulsivity. I have poor relationships because well, I come off as selfish sometimes. But I'm really not. I'm well-liked and am talented with my work but firm's issue is that they need me to be someone who will be there everyday. I'm truly working on it. just tend to get caught up in whatever distracts me at the time. There are so many things I want to do, but I just don't know how to start. When I do start, I'm focused.
I always thought I had a problem... I just didn't realize it was ADHD. And I'm posting this at 2:30 am because well, I cannot sleep.
HI Samantha, I responded to you shortly after you posted, but UA-cam dropped my responses.
I hope you are finding your way by now, learning about ADHD and maybe pursuing an evaluation.
That's my whole life right there lol
You just keep going sister. Keep crushing it 🤜
Becoming aggressive to stimulate motivation.. yes. This is me.
That's sort of my little discovery. :-)
I can't remember if I included it in this presentation (my first), but my husband used to go into what I called "Full Klingon War Mode" if I asked him to help with a simple task.
It took years to understand....that's how he motivated himself to do boring things.
If he'd been stuck with a therapist who insisted on "anger management," we'd have remained stuck!
You’ll also find 10 years of posts at my award-winning blog: adhdrollercoaster.org/
(I’m sorry for the late reply. UA-cam notifications are erratic.)
Wow!! I just assumed everyone go angry when doing boring things. I get angry at flatpack furniture even when it’s going well, gardening too and cleaning the house! If you get in my way while I’m doing them god help you 😆
Okay. That's me. I have been cleaning my room and if someone interrupts my first response is to snap "get the fuck out" if I'm in a really deep clean mode. Which is the only time I clean. But it lasts made 2 hours to 5 and depending on how long I've been unmotivated, that may not be enough time.
This definitely hits home. I have ADHD and it can be very challenging at times.
This almost made me cry. My partner knows he has ADHD and has decided to get treatment and it's been a disaster for our relationship. If I mention it's ADHD he gets very angry. I'm trapped.
Hi there, sorry to hear that. What kind of "treatment" is he getting?
Unfortunately, many prescribers are winging it, often based on bad information. Dangerous information. If he's taking Adderall, I explain what might be happening here:
adhdrollercoaster.org/adhd-news-and-research/the-tragic-truth-of-prescription-adderal-or-madderall/
The thing is, whatever affects him affects you. ADHD is a "team sport". And a truly expert prescriber includes the partner. For a whole host of good reasons.
Leaving the partner out of the equation....the person who has to cope with any adverse side effects and heightened dysregulated behavior....is malpractice, imho. But it happens every day, thousands of times over.
Keep learning and finding validation. Maybe if you're offering to "help", back off from that. Talk more about joint strategies and cooperation.
You aren't trapped. But it can very much feel that you are. Try to get some times away and be among old friends.
take care
Gina
My dad’s psychiatrist gave my dad Adderall for his ADHD. He’s 72 years old. 30 days after starting Adderall he had a heart attack and died. The coroner asked why a 72 year old with high blood pressure was given Adderall......., which is a stimulant. My dad wasn’t even supposed to drink coffee.
I'm so sorry to hear that. I've been warning about Adderall for years, including for young people. But for a 72-year-old with high blood pressure.....that MD should lose his license.
adhdrollercoaster.org/adhd-news-and-research/the-tragic-truth-of-prescription-adderal-or-madderall/
This really hit home with me! At 37 years old, it has been brought to my attention through the evaluation process of my son, that I might have ADHD as well. My hubby also has ADHD. I am looking forward to my evaluation next month! Hopefully, it will shed light on the many areas of my life that have been challenging over the years. I am so grateful for all the resources that I've come across to help me understand how ADHD can affect our family dynamic and hopefully help our neurodiverse family thrive! Thank you for your lecture!
Hi Karla,
I am sorry for the late response. UA-cam notifications of pending comments are very erratic!
I hope that you are well on your way to finding answers and to create more ease and joy in your life.
g'
thank you, I'm 47, diagnosed last year with adhd and autism, I'm high functioning , it's a big issue for me as I'm now medicated , but I have had personal hell with authority and family friends! I just spent 10 months now as the real me. looking forward to my future being the person I am, with some support. it's Not much from people as a lot of adults don't believe it's real and they claim it's only in children, so it's been very hard for me to except, I have been married 20 years my wife is a saint
Hi Sean,
Sorry for being late to respond (or else UA-cam dropped my response when I upgraded the channel).
It is absolutely crazy how "society at large" feels free to project their own ignorance and biases on the topic of ADHD.
Try, as much as you can, to find validating support. It can go a long way.
g
I wasn't diagnosed until 60 and my ADHD exploded after menopause. No doctor ever asked any questions for 10 years, and I lost 3 jobs in 7 years.
Hi Melissa,
So sorry for late response. I'm not receiving notifications for some reason.
Yours is a story I've heard too often. The insanity of it is a major motivator in my work. This is the 21st Century!!
g
I can relate. I'm 58 years old and have gone through 18 jobs mostly because of addiction and anxiety.
@@GinaPeraADHDRollerCoaster 0
3 jobs in 7 years? Pssh thats rookie stuff. Try losing 4 jobs in one year. EVERY YEAR.
in my experience ppl are quick to say..."it sounds like you have depression", I don't.
I am 23, and i have a boyfriend who recently got clinically diagnosed with adhd. At first, it was hard handling our relationship until we finally recognized his adhd symptoms. Thank God i am a nurse, thus knows how to handle these symptoms.
And we’re driven to make things better, especially him😊. Also, i am the oc type, and he’s otherwise. We always say to each other that we’re matched
Fun fact: we met via tinder😆
Kudos! That's great, when you can work as a team, bringing different strengths.
Thanks for your comment.
My partner and I are in almost the exact same situation as you guys, just a couple of years older! The adult ADHD diagnosis, me being a nurse, and meeting over tinder hahaha. Really heartening to hear couples like you/us trying to work it out as well, definitely gives me hope
I am dating an ADHD boyfriend but he is a saint ,I fuckinh love him
My home is like my thoughts....a mess
I'm dating someone with ADHD and I'm beaten the hell up.
I have been dating Constance off and on for five years. I have been reading your book and GOD BLESS YOU FOR WRITING IT!!! She is out of control. She quit her job of 17 years to go to school. She is about to lose her home. She can be rude and disrespectful to me at times. She has a million and one things going on, not seeing through any of them. She is a closet hoarder( She will not throw away nothing). She will lose her car keys. She will give me the silent treatment. She will overwhelm herself with stuff and I'm tired, beaten up and depicted.
Thank you for everything you do!.
Hi Eric! I am dating a wonderful man who has ADHD and it is the most exhausting thing!! I empathize completely!!! The ADHD symptoms that challenge him the most are disorganization, distraction, and time-management issues...of course, hidden inside those issues is OCD, MANY incomplete projects, constant misplacing of important things (keys, phone, wallet, etc.) and HUGE hoarding tendencies. The first big argument we ever had in our relationship resulted in him hardly talking to me for 3 days. I talked to him about his silent treatment after he started speaking to me again, and said it could NOT happen again. Luckily, he hasn't reacted in the same way again when we've had arguments. I have been dating him for almost 2 years, and I love him VERY much (why would we stay if we didn't love them, right?), but I'm really worried about our future together if we end up getting married. As of this moment, I do not see him as being ready to be a husband (or father). His house is a complete mess, there's very important paperwork (I won't go into specifics) that he hasn't done for years that he MUST do, and bills he has to pay before I can allow myself to consider saying "yes" to a proposal. I recently read a book called "The ADHD Effect on Marriage" and it is BRILLIANT!!! I highly suggest it, even if you are not married. Thank you for your post, here, it made me feel less alone in my struggle. I am in NEED of people who UNDERSTAND me!! I see you wrote 6 months ago; are you and Constance still together? You said you had been dating her "off and on;" may I ask if any good came from breaking up with her? Did anything change during the times you two were not together? How are you two doing?
I going through exactly what you described. Somehow it helps to know im not alone.
Hi Kattwin, I have created more resources for you.
My blog has an "online book club" -- essays on each chapter of my book with comments as the discussion.
Here is the link:
adhdrollercoaster.org/category/book-club/
Also, I moderate a free yahoogroup for the partners of adults with ADHD:
groups.yahoo.com/neo/groups/ADHD_Partner/info
best,
Gina
Thank you!! I really need to read your book; the book club looks amazing!
This woman is brilliant keep fighting for a better understanding off add.
Oh wow. Thank you!
If you think I was brilliant in 2008 (when I gave this presentation, my first on Adult ADHD), you should hear me now. :-)
I'm putting real blood, sweat, and many tears into completing my online training course. I've had it up to here waiting for more mental-health professionals to get it. :-)
Okay, I've checked 90% of the boxes here while I'm avoiding what I currently should be doing. And of course feeling bad about it!
But maybe that IS what you should be doing!
Learning about how ADHD might create unnecessary struggle for you in doing what you should be doing! :-)
good luck!
You can see clearly the person who kept interrupting the lecture has ADHD 😂
Hey Andie,
I missed that. Did someone keep interrupting??? I thought there was just one, and he did it artfully and made a good point! :-)
Thanks, great to hear this. I always wondered why I battled with all sorts all my life until I sort help. After 62 summers I was diagnosed with ADH, now in therapy but feeling late in the day to handle all this. Too much for my brain.
Having battled with depression all my life and school was a battle as I could not focus. Problem not recognised at that time, always told to stop daydreaming! Never felt I have accomplished what I could have done in this life. Therapist trying me on Methylphenidate and Wellbrutin in varying doses but do not know that I can say that I have felt any more motivated as the underlying depression remains. The brain needs to be re-booted! & think I have wasted time and money trying to come right at this stage of my life. Projects etc are always an issue to accomplish & complete, maybe because, if it is going to be done, it must be done properly, so OCD could come into it as well. Being older female, I was told I was always below the radar that it was never picked up sooner. What a waste of earlier years. Thank you for responding to me as your talk is the best I have heard yet & rang many bells. And I heard it right through.
Thank you Gina, for your input and responding to me for which I am very grateful. I am to see my psychologist in 3 weeks time but have been weening myself off Wellbrutin alternating each day between 300/150 until I see him but do not want to do it cold turkey. I have spoken to him today by chance & said try 150 as I am trying to cope without all the chemicals rushing around in my body. I have stopped the Methylphenidate due to cost. The Wellbrutin is soo expensive & medical insurance does not cover me which does not help with the management. Adds to the depression but try to work on mindful skills to overcome. I will check out your book and blogs & I appreciate your input, great help knowing that you are there for the likes of us. ;)
Hi Penny,
This is another case where UA-cam dropped my responses when it upgraded my account. So sorry.
There are many savings programs from the stimulant manufacturers.
Mostly, it is the new medications. But to people who qualify financially, there are many more possibilities. Just pick a medication (e.g. Concerta, Vyvanse, etc.) and visit the website.
Also, remember that Wellbutrin (if you still like it) comes in a cheaper generic.
I don't know many people with ADHD who have been helped by Wellbutrin alone, though. And, when they take it WITH a stimulant, the anxiety is often unbearable.
g
Thank you so so much. I found Dr. Barkley yesterday after my partner and I had a good, but difficult argument about my adhd brain's inability to plan ahead for problems.
It was so reassuring to learn the physical and chemical differences in my brain, the "reasons" in facts. I was equally thrilled to see your insight into relationships. I'm so excited now to be able to understand the why of my brain and know that there are different ways I can do things that will improve my success.
Thank you so so much for your dedication and your passion.
Thanks so much, Eleyna, the feedback from you is why I do this work.
It's so important!
Wishing you continued success!
@@GinaPeraADHDRollerCoaster Both my partner and I watched your lecture and I don't think there was a moment that one or both of us didn't identify with. We were able to create better plans and structures for both of us to be successful and he understood why, during arguments, I would ask for some time to calm down and get my thoughts together. He thought I was trying to avoid, I was just trying to regulate.
It's been amazing knowing that there is actually a kind of road map for our relationship.
Thank you so so much for giving this information to everyone who needs it. Like a secret key to why and not just "do it better".
We also now plan our weekend goals on friday afternoon, and it's made our weekends so much more relaxing and productive for both of us.
i feel like im so late to this video and the whole series, it would've been so nice to find this a year or two ago... before my poor husband had been frankly, straight up traumatized by my issues.. not all of which are exactly adhd, but a damn good portion of it that remains today came as a result of having no idea i grew up with it both in myself and experiencing the same things from my mom. so i guess i just thought it was normal, even though i hated how "ditsy" she was and always forgetful, and then it turns out im the same way today, and like damn... that hurts. hurts more so when i realize that having known earlier, i could've done something to help myself out of these habits before they hurt the people closest to me too. my poor husband is gonna have probably more healing to do than i am, which can really only happen after im consistently doing better, and that's really the big problem here. imagine losing the love of your life, because you just couldn't stop doing stupid shit, lifelong habits ingrained in a broken brain that's convinced it's normal.
i feel like adhd has taken over who i am as a person, im so different from the happy go lucky kid that was honestly so much more capable than i am now, and people think that's.. these issues that plague me all the time, are just me. this isn't me, i know who i am.. i just, can't really convince anyone of that, when after years i still haven't changed. i legitimately thought i had brain damage at one point, and i was stuck being stupid for the rest of my life, even though as a child i was always praised for being so clever.
i never wanted meds, i just didn't like the concept or having to deal with side effects. but now, i really have no other choice, not that i really mind anymore. all my efforts and struggling to change and do better only help for like a week or two, i can't sustain it on my own. i feel like im on a constant grind to end up having not really changed at all, my brain is still broken and i can't routine self-care or calendar organize it away.
love of god i feel like im so frustrated at the way the world treats and thinks of adhd, and how much it's hindered my ability to grow past it, both from others' and my own misunderstanding. i can only hope people like you can keep getting through to more people who still misunderstand, thank you so much Gina! for once, i feel hopeful that i might actually be able to escape from these issues and heal, and finally get back to who i am and want to be.
Dear Mage,
I can't believe I'm seeing your comment only now. Apologies. YT is not sending notifications.
I feel for you. When I hear stories such as yours -- and I've literally heard thousands of them -- I am so impressed with your tenacity to keep going, to keep finding answers. Honestly, sometimes I suspect I might have just stayed under the covers and never come out! :-)
The good news, ADHD is considered a "highly treatable condition." With the proven-effective treatments, I have confidence that you can get back to where you want to be in life. And to your real self.
Keep learning! take care
Gina
thank you
My boyfriend and I have adhd. My bf has it more and has been angrily frustrated with life always unfair and world is messed up everyday...not at me. I feel drained, thus why I'm here. Too much intense emotions
So sorry for late response. UA-cam fails on sending me notification.
Dual-ADHD relationships are not for wimps. It can really take focused attention and coordinated strategies. Otherwise, one ends up being the "higher functioning" -- and, eventually, exhausted.
Your boyfriend isn't alone with feeling that life is always unfair. He perhaps just not see how his ADHD is making living in the world that much harder for him.
I hope that you both can find treatment that increases your happiness and decreases your stress.
Thanks for your comment.
Gina
I'm right there with you sistah! Its a nightmare. I don't know what to do anymore. 😥
My husband is also a Québécois! And I think he has ADHD. Which is worse is, I think I have ADHD my whole life too. Our financial state is terrible and a lot of chaos in the life 😂
Hi Andie,
Dual-ADHD relationships present significant challenges. Oftentimes, there is bankruptcy, poor health, etc.
I encourage you two to learn about ADHD and start taking charge.
Annick Vincent, MD, is Quebecois and a leader among ADHD professionals in Canada. Here's her website:
www.attentiondeficit-info.com/home.php
My wife complains all the time about how I am not organized, forget things, can’t focus etc., when I say I have been diagnosed with ADD I am labelled as a mental defective. A spiritual idiot and so on. Wish she would listen to this.
Hi Godfree,
"mental defect?" "spiritual idiot? omg. That's awful. I'm so sorry.
You mean your wife says that?
It's one thing to be frustrated by an ADHD partner's disorganization, distractibility, etc.. I get it. Many people do! But education is important. So are joint strategies.
But it's important, of course, for the ADHD Partner to "focus" on ADHD treatment strategies, perhaps particularly medication (the single most powerful tool in the ADHD toolkit).
Sometimes the positive changes that come about create more credibility for others that "ADHD is real."
good luck!
Few can forgive my interrupting.....even my friends sometimes are rude about it. At this point I'm just glad I have someone to talk with at all, even if they are rude. To them I'm the rude one. I cannot help it, I have no filter.
I wish for you a better social experience. You don't have to continue suffering with this ADHD symptom of impulsivity. You can do something about it. You can truly improve your happiness and your life.
I encourage you to read my comprehensive book on Adult ADHD - the symptoms, the patterns over a lifetime of going without diagnosis/treatment, the potential effect on love ones AND the evidence-based treatment strategies
amzn.to/2H1yvST
You’ll also find 10 years of posts at my award-winning blog: adhdrollercoaster.org/
ive misplaced or broken so many things by the time i turned 18
that one day when my sister broke my mom's phone, my mom got so upset over it, but it didnt seem like a big issue for me i was just like "ohh it's just a small crack just get a new one if it bothers you" my whole family looked at me like "the fuck is wrong with you?" they all think i'm insensitive, and to a degree i am nothing really phases me anymore. death, mass murder, boss shouting at me, parents shouting at me, getting attacked(i was so nonchalant about this i got beat up more didnt see the point in fighting happened so many times at school). i've experienced so much failure in my short time in this world that i act this way... except when i lose control over my emotions for very stupid things like being surprised,
HI there, so sorry....UA-cam notified me of your comment only yesterday!
All of that and yet you are still hopeful enough to keep looking for answers. I'm not sure I could say the same for myself, were I in your shoes.
That resilience will serve you well going forward.
"Not caring" is a common outcome after years of poorly managed ADHD. After constantly doing things that anger people (without intending to or really being sure that you have...maybe they are over-reacting), trying to keep caring might seem...well, pointless.
If you "start caring," that would mean that you would do things differently. But how? Until then, "why try?"
In other words, I see this too commonly in late-diagnosis adults with ADHD. You are not alone, and I bet life can improve for you.
Hang in there.
g
You don't mention any kind of treatment, especially medication.
Thank you for your talk. It would be helpful next time for your video person to show the slides as you talked about them.
Thanks. I wish I had a "video person."
This video was created by the CADDAC conference organizers, and they were nice enough to share it with me -- and you.
I am working on more videos for online training. Short, targeted, and step-by-step videos -- with downloadable worksheets AND a community in which to share successes, frustrations, and strategies. ADHDSuccessTraining.com
I hope you found value anyway.
best,
g
Now, Russell has told us over and over again, that "ADHD is one thing. What we called subtypes is a variation in severity." And still this lady is working on the hyper/hypo thing.
Which lady would that be? You mean, ME?
For your information, my friend and mentor Russell Barkley was largely an unknown to laypeople when my book came out.
Some of the laypeople who did know him called him "Dr. Doom." (At that time, Hallowell's happy stories about ADHD dominated in the media.)
I actually took a risk asking Russ to write the foreword to my first book, published in 2008. Because he had so many "negative ideas" about ADHD.
My husband asked me about the domestic security budget because he feared I might actually be harmed. (I did have threats. Scary ones.)
So, if you mean me as "this lady," please remember this video was made in 2009, when most people still called it ADD. And I address the subtypes clearly in the book.
And, actually, the subtypes (now officially called "presentations") represent much more than a variation in severity. In fact, it's not a question of severity at all. It's a question of which symptoms are dominant.
Cheers,
g
I am one of those people that sleeps better on stimulants!! My psych was shocked when I told her that... lol. Now I’m on a good dose, but when I first got diagnosed with ADHD she put me on a very low dose of Adderall and the first 3 days that I took it, it felt like I took a sleeping pill and was trying to stay awake, it was awful! I called the office and told her “there’s no way I can function, I’m damn near falling asleep standing up” 😂 so she upped my dose and it got better for sure. she was so shocked that I felt sleepy on Adderall though.... LOL
HI there, so sorry....UA-cam notified me of your message only yesterday!
Yes, "those people who sleep better on stimulants" are greater in number than most docs realize!
When people with ADHD tell me that a stimulant made them sleepy, first I ask, "What was the dose?"
A too-high dose of the methylphenidate stimulants can a "zombie" effect. (Too high of amphetamines and anger, irritablity, even manic-like behavior.)
If the dose wasn't too high, then I ask, "how long have you been sleep deprived?"
In many cases, the stimulant is letting the person finally relax and "feel" sleepy!
I'm glad you figured it out!
it starts at 5:00
Thanks. I'll try to fix in my copious spare time. :-) Sorry!
I've been seeing a psychiatrist, two therapists and took a test to see if I have ADHD, and they don't think I have it. I have trouble going to sleep, and have trouble going back to sleep when I wake up because I can't stop thinking. If I'm exhausted, I can usually go to sleep easily.
Most people cannot believe it. They don't like it when I try to warn them. They sometimes want to "kill the messenger."
But, most therapists and perhaps even the majority of psychiatrists are NOT trained to recognize, much less treat, ADHD in adults.
That's why I recommend a solid education, because otherwise it's too easy to get the bum's rush.
The Internet has made it a little easier to examine a mental health professional's orientation and knowledge base. But still, some claim expertise when they lack it.
G
You totally describing me and my traits, what to do and recover???
Read my book or listen to the audiobook....amzn.to/2RqVfC6
Read my blog....ADHDRollerCoaster.org
Educate yourself on ADHD. Pursue proven strategies, maybe including medication. You might be surprised at how different your life can be. good luck! g
I am trying to get your book in audio version so i can access it. It’s not on audible.com. I found it on one site and it said not available in my country. I’m in the UK. I saw you answered lots of comments so thought I would ask.
Ben - I am SO SORRY to respond so late.
You might want to try audible again -- or go directly to the publisher, Tantor Media.
tantor.com/author/gina-pera.html
It was only a few months ago that I discovered the original contract did not include international rights. That should be fixed now.
I'm not sure I can access the UK Audible site. But if it worked, the audiobook is available.
www.audiobooks.com/audiobook/is-it-you-me-or-adult-a-d-d-stopping-the-roller-coaster-when-someone-you-love-has-attention-deficit-disorder/292944
Thank you. And again, apologies.
Gina
My first hubby was fetal Alcohol, he had MRI's of his brain, and he had fewer wrinkles on his brain. It took me some classes to understand what his problem was. And then, when I discussed this with friends, they would deny there was a brain maldevelopment and somehow forcing him to do this or that was the way to go. Now, my current ADD hubby , himself is in denial that he's not quite normal even though HE HIMSELF has told me from the beginning that he was ADD. And I have one friend that calls every day, a feminist from the 60's and 70's who never married, but can't believe there isn't SOMETHING I can do to force him into normal behavior. What do I tell these people?
I don't know about "forcing someone into normal behavior."
Your friend who calls every day sounds obsessed. :-)
But maybe she's right. She cares about you, and she sees that your life is harder than it could be.
How can your partner be "in denial" when he's already told you he has "ADD" (it's all ADHD now, with various subtypes)?
I encourage you to read my first book. Pursuing ADHD treatment and other strategies can be difficult for people with ADHD symptoms! Understand?
amzn.to/3d0LaWH
The normal rules of "he's an adult and can take care of himself" just often don't apply.
It's hard enough to find mental health professionals with any kind of ADHD competence. Two heads are better than one.
How is it I went over 40 years and never knew about this emotional component. I am flabbergasted. Hopefully it’s not to late
It's absolutely crazy, isn't it, B?
That's what I said, 20 years ago, when I was trying to decipher all the intricacies of ADHD-without much to go on then.
I shudder to think of how many times ADHD has been diagnosed (and treated for) myriad other conditions (or personality defects).
Shocking. It's why I do this work.
You’ll also find 10 years of posts at my award-winning blog: adhdrollercoaster.org/
(I’m sorry for the late reply. UA-cam notifications are erratic.)
Sorry just repeat that again pls.. I missed what you said. #storyofmylife
Sometimes it's too much and I find it very difficult to handle various situations! I am not in therapy and not using meds at the moment, although I did years ago when I was younger, but I know I should get help again. It is killing my relationships.
Denielle de Bee
My before has ADHD I don’t know how to handle
❤
The thing is i have depression aswell so Im never sure which it is
Katie -- UA-cam has only just now notified me of many comments. Argh. Sorry.
Yes, it can be soooooo tricky...what's ADHD, what's depression, what's anxiety.
The problem is that both depression and anxiety are not specific terms. They are used generally, to describe how someone looks or feels.
Then there are the official categories of Anxiety Disorder and Major Depressive Disorders (also called Clinical Depression).
Living with poorly managed ADHD can be very "depressing" and "anxiety-inducing."
I've seen many people with ADHD previously diagnosed with "depression" or "anxiety" leave behind those diagnoses when they start stimulant medication.
They are less "depressed" and "anxious" because they are doing better in life, making fewer mistakes, getting less negative feedback.
One key is, have you tried stimulant medication? How did it make you feel? (This is assuming that it was a proper trial and not the "throw spaghetti at the wall" approach I see too often.)
good luck sorting this out.
g
I was born with a dad took Srraterra my whole life until my high School freshman year I am now 24 and out of school. i feel as if I have a shirt intention span and it sucks and taking a toll on my relationship. I JUST WANNA BE ABLE TO LISTEN! HELP ME!
adhd*
Harley -- I am so sorry. UA-cam is so random in notifying me of comments, and I'm just now seeing this one.
I wonder why you stopped Strattera. It won't take most people with ADHD "to the finish line" but at the lower doses, and in combination with a stimulant, it can truly help.
Can you get back into treatment?
My boyfriend has ADHD I don’t know how to handle. I really need help
Dear Karen,
So sorry for late response. UA-cam fails on sending me notification.
The best think you can do is get a SOLID, comprehensive education. Little "tips and tricks" at random websites will likely just keep you confused.
I encourage you to read my first book. It will explain a LOT -- and offer a path to an easier life, for both of you.
Good luck,
Gina
Ya my lady cannot pay attention for literally two seconds it makes me depressed.....
Hi Nate,
Yes, it can be very depressing when our partners find us so "boring" or "unimportant" they cannot listen to us.
Yes, we might know...that's a symptom....but that doesn't mean we don't take it personally.
And it also doesn't mean we should just accept it.
ADHD is largely considered a treatable condition. I encourage you to encourage her to get on it.
Jesus I have bipolar rapid cycling, anxiety, and ADHD. I’m so f*cked up!!! :’( I don’t want to die or anything but I often think about how I’m supposed to just accept that I have to live with all of this shit my whole life.... It gets better I want to say, I tell myself that, but does it really? Cuz my mental health the last 5 years (and before, lord it is better at least not feeling like I’m crazy or alone in these experiences, in that sense it has definitely gotten better) since I got diagnosed has been absolute hell... I feel like things just keep getting harder and harder.
Gotta persevere... ❤️
Oh, I just read your previous comment (about being sleepy on Adderall).
Sounds like your medication approach might merit improvement?
Are you sure that Adderall is the best choice for you? Could it be exacerbating the bipolar symptoms?
If things are getting "harder and harder" since you were diagnosed, that sends up lot of red flags for me.
Generally speaking, the approach when there are co-existing conditions such as ADHD and bipolar is to stabilize the more prominent one first. That's not always easy to distinguish, though, some bipolar symptoms with those of ADHD.
Perhaps you can try another doctor, one who is more familiar with ADHD and bipolar?
good luck!
g
I have ADHD and it sucks.
My ex bf had issues to and he kept strangling me. And drugging me with my learning disabilities. It sucks. I'm very passive agreasive. And I don't sleep hardly or I sleep a lot. It sucks. I was with my ex half years in California half years in OK and I had to get out of that relationship because it was so toxic. But yet I said I was used to it And Loved him. Sadly I need a miracle. He kept punching holes in the walls. And blaming me while he was drugging me. And strangling me. But I called that love. But in the end I had to call the cops. I dodged every punch. And he was tossing plates on the bed telling me to eat bitch luckily I snapped out of my toxic relationship with him he could have killed me drugging me and strangling me . Learning disabilities suck.
That all sounds like a very tough way to live.
You say that you are "passive aggressive." That might not be the case. It might be your ADHD symptoms are mis-perceived as such. Same with "learning disabilities."
Some people with ADHD remain in abusive relationships because they just can't get organized and focused enough to play an exit strategy.
I encourage you to do all you can to find a competent ADHD evaluation and treatment. It could make a HUGE difference in your life.
take care,
g
@@GinaPeraADHDRollerCoaster Thank You! I am working on just that.
Gina could be Roseanne Barr's younger sister... i don't know why I'm making this connection, but I am.
Hi Hunter, that's pretty funny.
I just came here for the medication (joking to be honest) ADHD is not rare...and often misdiagnosed. ...I'm concerned to know about the medications given so freely to "treat" ADHD...But hand out all that medication laced with speed! lol If someone takes Adderall and they don't have ADHD, it can cause them to feel high, and that can include euphoria, increased energy and concentration, and increased self-confidence. Speed is methamphetamine, and street names for it include crystal meth, crank, meth, and ice...@t
There are differences among "speed" and the stimulant medications for ADHD. For example, the delivery system makes a big difference in how the molecules affect the brain -- how fast and how much.
That said, Adderall is not my favorite, though I know that for a small subset of people with ADHD, it will be the best fit.
I warn about Adderall here.
adhdrollercoaster.org/adhd-news-and-research/the-tragic-truth-of-adderal-or-madderall/
help I am just responding to whatever stimuli crosses my path!
Tina -- Obviously you're not happy with that. Are you diagnosed and have you tried medication? If that's a lot to organize, ask a friend or loved one to work with you on a plan. good luck!!
i will never date or marry anyone with ADHD. after nearly 20yrs of marriage i am officially decided that i have wasted my life and time trying to deal with this person. i have never been so abused, so alone, so disregarded, and so stressed in already stressful situations because my spouses needs need met before anything else. if you are here without adhd, and u are wondering if its worth it. its not. its a marriage of torment. especially if the person does not want help.
Hi Harris,
I definitely understand and appreciate your sentiments. I've heard this too many times to count in my support groups.
I would only caution that people with ADHD are individuals. Despite all we see online about the "ADHD Brain" and all the stereotypes, this is a HIGHLY variable syndrome. With all the rest of personality to consider.
Moreover, some folks with ADHD have made tremendous efforts to get on top of challenges. Including many of my friends. They are doing well in their jobs and in their relationships.
g
@@GinaPeraADHDRollerCoaster thats reassuring thank you
Holy shit.
haha!
My wife is a saint. Not sure how she lives with me.
Maybe her goal is beatification? :-)
I bet she also sees the positives to being with you.
my husband said this for a while. i will be filing for divorce.
I do not believe having ADHD that you can have a non ADHD partner. They will leave sooner or later. From experience no one "normal" tolerates this in the long term.
Nah, I know plenty of happy couples where one has ADHD and the other does not.
As you know, ADHD is not one thing. People with ADHD are not clones. And neither are their partners.
But you're right: No "normal" or self-preserving person tolerates the worst of poorly managed ADHD fallout. Including normal, self-preserving people ADHD!
There has never been a better time to have ADHD. The treatment strategies. The knowledge. Incredible, even compared to when I started in this field.
I hope you soon feel a little more optimistic.
g
As a non ADHD suppose whose put up with it for over 20 years, husband just got diagnosed, and I have no intention of leaving, but rather intend to learn better ways to support him. What does he need to succeed & be happy & thus what do we need as a couple to succeed and be happy as a couple?
You don't give up on someone you are truly still in love with.
I was advised I have black and white thinking
Does that ring true for you?
I get so angry so easy and so fast. I just want to not be.
Congratulations, Robert. You recognize the problem and want a solution.
That is seriously more than half the battle.
Many people with ADHD have found that stimulant medications help them to manage their emotional reactions. Also: to organize, initiative, follow through, remember, etc..
I encourage you to learn about ADHD -- to the point where you can confidently seek and evaluation and treatment.
I don't want to discourage you, but we must do a bit of legwork in order to self-advocate.
We cannot depend on the average mental healthcare worker (even psychiatrists) to be able to recognize ADHD.
In Step 2 of my new online training, I detail how an ADHD evaluation should go. I also provide an interactive PDF where the user can go point by point to note what resonates -- and provide examples.
I suggest that the person use this completed PDF to begin any evaluation.
Here is the course page.
adhdsuccesstraining.com/solving-your-adult-adhd-puzzle-for-couples-and-individuals/
My fiance says he had adhd/add and asperger's. He did cheat on me and got in trouble too. He would also lie compulsively. I don't think he is a bad person but there is something wrong with his behavior.
Hi Iya,
I find it admirable that you can see the gray area here. A person can do bad things but that doesn't make the person bad.
At the core of ADHD are challenges with self-regulation. Trying harder. Wanting to do better. Being remorseful without action to improve behavior. These won't change the behavior even among "good" people.
Action in learning about ADHD and taking steps to manage symptoms is what matters, in the end. At least insofar as keeping a meaningful intimate relationship with that person.
Great information very very unskilled and poor public speaker. Painful listening experience.
How kind of you to point that out, Holly. So sorry you were pained.
That was 10 years ago, my first public presentation, and I had a bad cold. (I mentioned that in the first video.)
See, the thing is, I never set out to be a public speaker OR a book author.
I wasn't a person out to make a name for myself, hiring an expensive PR firm and speechwriters and coaches to propel me to fame with a TED talk.
No, I was a journalist who saw a desperate need and set out to meet it. First by volunteering in my community, sponsoring lectures and support groups. And then the need mushroomed.
I did most of this work pro bono. And I made financial sacrifices in order to do this.
But I have improved my presentation style over the years.
I'll launch my online training site soon -- my antidote to the truly abysmal ADHD diagnosis/treatment situation in North America and throughout the world.
Self-education and self-advocacy are a must!
ADHDSuccessTraining.com
Gina didn't choose the thug life, the thug life chose Gina. I for one am happy to find some information about my condition in the context of relationships as mine is falling apart because I can't manage my ADHD.
ADHD Success Training - With Gina Pera
Gina, I hope you’re not bothered by this comment. Skills like public speaking are a dime a dozen and can easily be learned, however there is no fixing blatant ignorance. You’re passionate about what you do and as the spouse of someone with ADD, your knowledge and the willingness to share that means a great deal and I appreciate the personal sacrifices you have made in order to help others.
ADHD Success Training - With Gina Pera you are confident and a much better public speaker than I am! I thought you were great, great information and presentation.
Ha wow, I thought she seemed super comfortable and confident.