When a spouse spends 2 years of his wife disintegrating in his arms he starts mourning before everyone else and when it’s finally over with he/ she is relieved and is more ready to move on before everyone else.
My neighbor’s middle child was obsessive defiant. Tens, maybe hundreds, of thousands of $$ in counseling, special instruction. There was no logic to this child’s behavior compared to consequences. Eventually this child went to prison on armed burglary charge. Parents spent his youth in denial about the effect their son had on the neighbors and his school, it was always someone else’s responsibility, fault etc.
My sister was like this, lying just for the fun of lying, stealing, hitting and bullying people. My parents always said it was just a phase- but it wasn’t. She’s an abusive adult now.
As an elementary school principal, when we see these signs in students, it is often a sign of an underlying neurobiological disorder such as ADHD, ODD, OCD, or a combination of comorbid disorders. It is important to talk to your pediatrician about these concerns, especially if you are seeing the behaviors across multiple places such as school and home. Children who struggle with these issues often don't "make the connection" between behaviors and consequences. They are so over-corrected that they can develop more oppositional behaviors. I totally agree with the mindset of "catching them doing good things." Thinking of their behaviors as skill set deficiencies and not moral failings is also the best way to maintain a positive focus on helping children learn how to handle life's frustrations adaptively and not maladaptively. Working together with the school community and medical community is important when dealing with children with these struggles. They are kids with a desire to do well in life, but are struggling with skill set deficiencies and brain-based struggles that can be treated.
I agree but not neccessarily a pediatrician, get a diagnosis from a mental health professional, a psychologist or child psychiatrist. Doctors aren't that good with mood and behavioral disorders, although some are good with figuring out ADHD. Therapy and the right medication can help kids a lot!
Children in North America are being egregiously over-diagnosed and over-medicated for problems that are most often a reflection of dysfunctional family dynamics and sub-par parenting.
I agree with you 100%. I was thinking the same thing. This child may have ADHD or something similar. It takes awhile to develop a plan of action for the child at home and school but it can be done with a team of the parents, the school, and the right medical professionals.
Losing someone you spent every day with for 45 years has to be shattering and the daughter really needs to be more understanding of how difficult and damaging that would be. Finding someone who makes him happy is ultimately better than breaking down and dying of heartbreak.
I regret not being consistent with my own child. We would often state a consequence but then not follow through which resulted in us never being taken seriously and our child just pushing the boundaries more.
I've read several books on how to parent but I've gotten mucho more in the first 10 minutes of this than in hours and hours of me reading.. Where have you been since I became a mother!
Holly's dad may have been so shocked by his wife's sudden passing - just as she retired - that he responded by changing lifestyles from one of hard work and diligent saving to one of enjoying it while it lasts and while he can. He might have just realized how fragile life is and how little time he may have left to enjoy it to its fullest. Hard to accept as his daughter, but hard to judge him, too. Beats living the rest of his life out in fear, anxiety, depression, and solitude.
Holly! I’m sorry for your loss. As you said, she was a soldier! She served her purpose in life very well by helping other people, and she definitely might have touched someone’s life with her work! I know it’s hard to see your Dad had moved on so quickly, but try to find hope in this situation; having her retirement money is helping your Dad to be happy, which I'm sure she would want that for him after her battle with cancer. It's her gift for your Dad to be taking care of after her. Kudos to your parents for being financially prepared for such a situation. I've learned the hard way by being financially responsible for my mother. Trust me; it's not fun.
Defiant kids aren't always brain challenged, or copying poor parental models. But they are always a lot of work. It is really hard to be warm with kids that lie and talk back. Read Lawrence Kazdin's book. He is from the Yale University Child Development center. His approach is parent-intensive and very unique.
Our child came to us as a foster child at 26 months, and we adopted him a year later. The strain of being consistent was physically crushing for me (I have a chronic neuro disorder). “Love and Logic” (Jim Fay) was a sanity-saver for us (me particularly). As was being part of a post-adoption support group. Our RAD/ODD kid is currently in prison (8 years into a 5-to-15). He does not seem to have learned anything from his experience.
Thanks for your service. I am so sorry your efforts did not pay off. Maybe you could write a letter to your adopted son and tell him what your hopes were for him, and that his mental patterns and behavior stand in the way. Does he have anger management issues or was he into drugs ? because that seem to be the most common themes that land people in prison.
Everyone grieves differently, and it is difficult to nail down a timeline. Some people get though the process faster than others. I’ve lost both my father and mother. My father past first and it took me many years to go though the grieving process. My mother past 8 years later and it took significantly less time to grieve the loss. I loved them both. My oldest sister in comparison took significantly less time then me in both instances. God knows how much time we need and knows more than we do what we need.
That’s why I don’t follow every single one of the principles Dave teaches, no matter how biblical he says they are. You have to enjoy some of what you’re working for now.
Everyone needs to look in the mirror first on everything!! ie if you cant pay rent look in the mirror not blame your landlord or the government, if you are divorced look in the mirror not blame your ex etc etc
Danielle you have the right to remain silent. Don't do it. I did for 8 years with my kids step-mom once she has her own kid everything changes and her feelings towards your kids can change and she can force them out. Which is what happened.
I am so so glad the first caller called in with her questions about how to solve the problems of discipline with her son. My husband and I have had similar struggles with our 6 year old son. He’s always been very headstrong, and opposing towards us, and we know that there has to be ways of positively cultivating those traits, but haven’t been successful, and it can be so disheartening as a parent. I’ve researched parenting advice, We’ve gone to people we trust for advice, we’ve tried every method in the book, and nothing seems to work for us. The way you approach this was different, and quite frankly, refreshing, and makes sense. I am going to talk to my husband about your suggestions, and I believe, if we stay committed to this, we can help to positively affect our sons behavior, as well as the behavior of our other children. Thank you!
Find a creative outlet for him-- teach him something like basic bicycle maintenance-- my grandfather taught me how to lubricate and adjust the chain on my bike when I was probably around that age.
I don’t know if you’re still struggling but my oldest son has always been harder to parent and the thing that has absolutely made the biggest difference has been the “calm parenting podcast” with Kirk Martin. Absolutely life changing and super helpful. It is made specifically for those more challenging kiddos. Also anything by Kim John Payne, books or podcast is absolutely so helpful.
There is always the possibility that a child is psychopathic. Psychopathy is a brain developmental deformity, a lack of development in the frontal cortex area where consequences are considered, where impulses are evaluated. If this brain area is abnormally underdeveloped, a child can learn to act like other people act, but they will be more impulsive and rarely consider the consequences of their actions.
@@NicholsKT They do, but children in North America are being egregiously over-diagnosed and over-medicated for problems that are most often a reflection of dysfunctional family dynamics and sub-par parenting.
As a step- mom myself, and having been though the rough waters, I think it's important for her to recognize she is not mom, will never be mom, to this sweet girl. She will have a role, but it is not as equals. It is best for the dad to communicate with his former spouse, not her. Years down the road, after she has invested in making meals, picking her up at school, taking care of her when she is sick, and being this girl's cheerleader, she might earn some right to speak up. They say it takes five years to adjust to a blended family. She is the outsider. This is a long haul. Also, his first wife knows things about her new husband this woman does not know. There is a reason they divorced. It was good advice to chill out and be kind and wait for the dust to settle. Once this young lady has her own child, she won't have near the same time or energy to worry so much about her husband's former spouse. It's a tough spot to be in and often is thankless for a long time.
I disagree. I believe that from day 1 of the marriage, that child becomes my child as well. Especially, if I am being asked to put in work caring for the child. If I don't have to deal with the kid, then ok. We co-parent as a thrupple. Anything else leads to resentment etc. That being said, during the early dating stages of dating, we discuss our kids, parenting style, etc. I refuse to be asked to take on parental responsibilities but have no authority. Non starter
@@ineedhoez That's fine. We all have our own way. It's just a fact you will never be biological mom. You may be wonderful, amazing , but never be the child's mom. I have come to enjoy and have good relationships with my skids, but their mom is always honored. No one replaces her.
Agreed. Lots of kids lie because it's easier to be a yes man to feed their parents' ego than have hard conversations where everyone is in the wrong. I also agree with Dr. Delony that it's not enough to appropriately punish bad behavior, you have to correctly reward good behavior.
Hey Caller! I have a feeling your kid may have ASD, the behaviors sound a lot like my sons. My son is extremely bright and very high functioning, however the ASD+ADHD combo make it very hard for him to control his impulses and emotions and everyday behavior. May be something to look into!
Some men just cant cope on their own... women cope a lot better ...but so many men just cant cope my ex had an aunt who was a widow and fell in love with a widower, when she died he married again fairly quickly he couldnt cope on his own
I love the way John talks about marriage like it's okay to ditch a spouse, take on another, watching your kids go to someone else's house with a new mommy and daddy, how it's okay that all of this is happening and somehow every one is supposed to be fake happy for the sake of the kids. Am I the only one seeing how all this unhappiness is due to someone being selfish and how wrong it is to bring kids up in this atmosphere?
You are RIGHT ON. It's the way of the world now and why society is so messed up. It seems that "parents" (and I use that term loosely) just sacrifice their kids to get their own needs met and use "Kids are resilient" as a way to justify their own selfishness. Makes me sick...The old ways were the RIGHT ways.
That was one of my first thoughts. So many kids are ADD or on the spectrum. I wonder if they have tried a sport that maybe the kid can channel his focus
This was my immediate thought. I am right there with that mom. My 8 year old is on the spectrum and has ADHD, and my 7 year old has severe ADHD and ODD. My 7 year old is EXTREMELY defiant and super difficult to parent. My oldest isn't nearly as defiant or difficult. Medication and therapy has really helped, but it only does so much. He is the type of child that you have to be extremely stern with. I have to be a total hardass with him, because if you give him an inch he takes a mile. I think the problem is that my husband is much more lenient with him because he feels bad and it's not in his personality to be so stern, but our youngest really needs it or he will take advantage of the smallest weakness. He also gets way too much negative attention from my husband, which I feel in my child's mind is a reward enough to encourage bad behavior. It's really difficult.
A nine-year-old should not be dominating the household. Something's up there. My ex was raising his son to allow him to do whatever he wanted which included walking in on me in my closed-door bedroom while I was changing clothes. The ex thought it was OK to allow him 24-hour access to our lives as a couple. He was wrong! This poor kid was ruined in the long run - he's now selling weed at 18 years of age - because one parent didn't want to spend time with him while the other parent overdid everything in the other direction. I left the relationship obviously. Parents inflict so many of their own issues onto their children and then we wonder how they learned the behavior.
The 9 year old: figure out in the family, how not to argue with each other and be aware of how the family displays being uncooperative, talking back, disrespectful with each other.
Parents are failing their children by failing to hold boundaries for their kids. Permissive parenting is so dangerous. We have a whole generation of codependents raising narcissists!!!! Stop being lazy and do your job. Raise your children!!!
I don’t know about this first call. If you have 3 kids who have normal struggles with disobeying but learning. One in college. A teen. A younger one. And they are all within a "normal spectrum" of bad v good behavior I definitely would not FIRST blame the parenting. (Not disagreeing that it definitely absolutely has to be considered.) I would ask for a referral to a good child psychologist to begin therapy and testing for high functioning adhd, asd, etc. If 3/4 kids are ok, it's time to ask from real life professional help on one 1. This 9 year old may be suffering internally so bad because he doesn't WANT to be this way. Of course that's not the only option. But it makes me sad for the kid. No kid wants to consistently be in trouble.
Sounds like my niece. She knows and learns it doesn’t care because she just wants attention. She admitted to that. Not to mention she wasn’t consistently disciplining when she was supposed to be even though she thinks she is. So that could also be part of it too.
To the daughter who thinks Dad has never really grieved Mom... "the length of grief is no reflection on the depth of love felt". We all grieve differently. We honor the love we had by remembering and yet moving forward to give that love to someone else. ALSO, Mom was sick for two years. The grieving process started when she was diagnosed with cancer, not the day she passed.
I had a friend whose daughter was diagnosed with that. I don't believe in it. When I met the child she was 4 years old. She was definitely a brat. I would babysit her from time to time. I set rules for how she was to act in my home. If I give an instruction I expect immediate compliance. I never had an issue with her. Once, we are having a barbecue and she did something (i literally cant even remember what it is was) she wasn't supposed to do. I immediately sent her to the bedroom for some quiet reflection time. It was a 10 minute chill time. Her father proceeded to interrupt her quiet time by entering the room. Essentially, he was giving her attention for the bad behavior. I instructed him to leave her alone and go eat some ribs. He reported that the daughter was tossing watermelon seeds (acting out) on the floor in the bedroom. I told him that was fine. I told him that she would clean them up before she left the room and to stop giving her attention for bad behaviorl. The original bad behavior stopped, she was in the room regulating herself, and she understands that in order to rejoin civilization, her behavior must comport with the standards I set forth in my home. When her time out was completed, I entered the room and asked her if she was ready to rejoin everyone. She said yes. I advised her that she needed to clean up the watermelon seeds that she spit all over the floor. She cleaned up the seeds put them in the trash. She then rejoined us. When she rejoined, I was excited to see her and offered her food, drink, and an activity. She went about her business and colored in her book. No drama, no yelling, no meltdown, no nothing. On the other side, her mother never set boundaries, never followed through with discipline, and the little girl smacked her mother in the damn face. Funny how I could get the child to do what I wanted and I barely spent time with her. It is 100% the parents. All the time.
No such thing as a perfect child, and having a disability or adhd or whatever, is no excuse for bad behaviour, and having a troubled kid is no excuse for abuse or neglect and whatever.
Some people are just born bad but i feel like this 9 year old middle child boy probsbly feels forgotten. He sees the college sibling graduating and being celebrated, and the 16 year old doing good in highschool, the he has a younger sister who is the first girl of the family so she gets tons of attention and he just feels left behind.
Re. the first caller's issue: Children in North America are being egregiously over-diagnosed and over-medicated for problems that are most often a reflection of dysfunctional family dynamics and/or sub-par parenting (usually because the parents simply lack the necessary skills). The fact that this woman's other children don't exibit problem behaviour doesn't mean much, one way or another. I recommend watching some Supernanny episodes here on UA-cam for ideas on how to deal with an oppositional child. She's amazing and amazingly effective in helping both kids and their parents turn very difficult situations around.
Your parenting advice is spot on but how do you apply this to a 25 year old. I am asking on behalf of a friend who is experiencing a defiant child in a divorced family.
If this is going on since PreK and the school telling you, this child needs help. I have been here. You need to see a Pyschiatrist and Counseling! At least get an opinion medically. It's not you as parents! Get him help before those teen years!! John you have no experience with this!
I get the whole saying no thing but I wrestle quite a bit with it. I tend to circle back to James 4:17 Therefore, to him who knows to do good and does not do to him it is sin. Anyone have any advice?
Holly: your father may not be the problem. You are. You are the one that isn't grieving. He deserves to be happy NOW and it is going to be someone other than your mother. Destroying his happiness won't bring her back. Ever. It could end your relationship with him, and then you have no parents. If she gets the trinkets it isn't about you. She isn't stealing them from your mother. Grow up.
I think if Holly wants to take care of her dad and be responsible for him as he ages, then I guess what she wants makes sense. However if she wants more freedom for herself and for her dad to be cared for by someone who loves him at the same time, then I don’t know if what she wants will achieve that.
Kids lie when you are being too strict. I have seen this over and over again. The 16 year old may be abusing him. Look into it. With 4 kids he’s getting lost in the shuffle.
Incompetent. He went all the way around the mulberry bush AND down that rabbit hole with that first caller, then shuffled her right off that line, didn't he? He's so "full of it, I bet'cha he knows it. He shnookered Dave or SOMEONE to be "recommended" by Dave. He's got ISSUES. He doesn't have a clue. He just yammers a lot with "filler" words,hoping nobody notices.
This depends on how you interpret this scripture. The best explanation I've read is the "rod" refers to a shepherd's staff, which is used for guiding and caring for the flock, not whacking them into submission.
@@ga6589 The rod and the staff are different actually. The staff is to lead and to guide, the rod is for protection and discipline. Some times the shepherd actually breaks the legs of certain sheep else they would willingly walk off a cliff to their death, he then carries them to what is best for them. Think on that for a few minutes..life is hard, be tough on your kids so they can survive and make it through this valley of tears.
My children are adults, all happily married, well-adjusted, highly educated and gainfully employed. Never had to resort to hitting them or breaking their legs. Violence breeds violence… think about that.
@@ga6589 That's awesome, GA. Congratulations on not raising entitled, spoiled, lazy, out-of-control children! My daughter is also a "happily married, well-adjusted, highly educated and gainfully employed"....quite gainfully employed. I also "never had to resort to hitting" her.....or yelling at her, or anything else!!! My daughter, of course, NEVER acted like a spoiled, entitled, disrespectful, manipulative, angry BRAT, either. I'm sorry if you disagree, but some kids NEED the extra "discipline" when they act like that.
@@pamelak.8064 I was a public school elementary and special education teacher for 36 years. Corporal punishment was not an option. There are logical and effective ways to maintain order, discipline, and a nurturing environment in a classroom and in the home without hitting.
let safe u guys time on video he talks about he from Texas and he loves his wife and he have lots of zex with his wife . get the belt in Whoop that kid till he gets the hang of it
Maybe they are not trying to be defiant but brain was damaged before birth (ultrasounds) or after birth (early cord clamping)? How many kids are being damaged from ultrasounds (look up newer book by Jim West about extreme danger of ultrasounds found in Chinese human studies which showed they caused Autism/ADHD, cancers, tumors, etc- you can find it on Amazon) and what about the danger of early/immediate cord clamping?? Cord clamping started in the 60s and in the 90s the number of ultrasounds, duration of ultrasounds and power used started increasing. Affects boys more than girls since males are more vulnerable to stress/inflammation from ultrasounds/clamping (females have protective hormone - helps them later during labor). Please/kindly look this up and maybe do a segment on this. Prayers for the all the children.
@@labrigful Totally agree. Stress = inflammation. More worrisome is how much more vulnerable an embryo is to stress. There's a reason the 1st trimester is the most dangerous for meds causing damage.
The detail you gave in “catch him being good” was so powerful. We need to give attention for good behavior! ❤️
He always has such practical precise ideas
Lold i I’m rn
When a spouse spends 2 years of his wife disintegrating in his arms he starts mourning before everyone else and when it’s finally over with he/ she is relieved and is more ready to move on before everyone else.
My neighbor’s middle child was obsessive defiant. Tens, maybe hundreds, of thousands of $$ in counseling, special instruction. There was no logic to this child’s behavior compared to consequences. Eventually this child went to prison on armed burglary charge. Parents spent his youth in denial about the effect their son had on the neighbors and his school, it was always someone else’s responsibility, fault etc.
Exactly! You can't ignore this problem! If the school calling, it's a problem! You can't handle this by yourself!
My sister was like this, lying just for the fun of lying, stealing, hitting and bullying people. My parents always said it was just a phase- but it wasn’t. She’s an abusive adult now.
As an elementary school principal, when we see these signs in students, it is often a sign of an underlying neurobiological disorder such as ADHD, ODD, OCD, or a combination of comorbid disorders. It is important to talk to your pediatrician about these concerns, especially if you are seeing the behaviors across multiple places such as school and home. Children who struggle with these issues often don't "make the connection" between behaviors and consequences. They are so over-corrected that they can develop more oppositional behaviors. I totally agree with the mindset of "catching them doing good things." Thinking of their behaviors as skill set deficiencies and not moral failings is also the best way to maintain a positive focus on helping children learn how to handle life's frustrations adaptively and not maladaptively. Working together with the school community and medical community is important when dealing with children with these struggles. They are kids with a desire to do well in life, but are struggling with skill set deficiencies and brain-based struggles that can be treated.
I agree but not neccessarily a pediatrician, get a diagnosis from a mental health professional, a psychologist or child psychiatrist. Doctors aren't that good with mood and behavioral disorders, although some are good with figuring out ADHD. Therapy and the right medication can help kids a lot!
Children in North America are being egregiously over-diagnosed and over-medicated for problems that are most often a reflection of dysfunctional family dynamics and sub-par parenting.
I agree with you 100%. I was thinking the same thing. This child may have ADHD or something similar. It takes awhile to develop a plan of action for the child at home and school but it can be done with a team of the parents, the school, and the right medical professionals.
Losing someone you spent every day with for 45 years has to be shattering and the daughter really needs to be more understanding of how difficult and damaging that would be. Finding someone who makes him happy is ultimately better than breaking down and dying of heartbreak.
I regret not being consistent with my own child. We would often state a consequence but then not follow through which resulted in us never being taken seriously and our child just pushing the boundaries more.
Bingo!!!
I've read several books on how to parent but I've gotten mucho more in the first 10 minutes of this than in hours and hours of me reading.. Where have you been since I became a mother!
Holly's dad may have been so shocked by his wife's sudden passing - just as she retired - that he responded by changing lifestyles from one of hard work and diligent saving to one of enjoying it while it lasts and while he can. He might have just realized how fragile life is and how little time he may have left to enjoy it to its fullest. Hard to accept as his daughter, but hard to judge him, too. Beats living the rest of his life out in fear, anxiety, depression, and solitude.
Well said
Listen to the daughters story about her mom brought tears to my eyes. Hugs to her and her hurting heart.
Holly! I’m sorry for your loss. As you said, she was a soldier! She served her purpose in life very well by helping other people, and she definitely might have touched someone’s life with her work! I know it’s hard to see your Dad had moved on so quickly, but try to find hope in this situation; having her retirement money is helping your Dad to be happy, which I'm sure she would want that for him after her battle with cancer. It's her gift for your Dad to be taking care of after her. Kudos to your parents for being financially prepared for such a situation. I've learned the hard way by being financially responsible for my mother. Trust me; it's not fun.
Defiant kids aren't always brain challenged, or copying poor parental models. But they are always a lot of work. It is really hard to be warm with kids that lie and talk back. Read Lawrence Kazdin's book. He is from the Yale University Child Development center. His approach is parent-intensive and very unique.
Thank you for mentioning this book!!
That’s your job as a parent to be warm with your kids
@@katemiller7874 true, but many parents are not psychologically attuned to their children.
The behavior is also from TV. Pay attention to what they watch. But yes, most if from parents and relatives
One thing about new wives that is never asked, is whether or not the relationship ended with the ex because of infidelity. It makes a huge difference.
It shoudlnt't and you've gotta believe this girl isn't naive enough to think if she's the affair partner they are going to be friends.
9:18 I would have DIED for this kind of attention as a child, part of me is still a child waiting for this kind of affirmation
Our child came to us as a foster child at 26 months, and we adopted him a year later. The strain of being consistent was physically crushing for me (I have a chronic neuro disorder). “Love and Logic” (Jim Fay) was a sanity-saver for us (me particularly). As was being part of a post-adoption support group.
Our RAD/ODD kid is currently in prison (8 years into a 5-to-15). He does not seem to have learned anything from his experience.
Thanks for your service. I am so sorry your efforts did not pay off. Maybe you could write a letter to your adopted son and tell him what your hopes were for him, and that his mental patterns and behavior stand in the way. Does he have anger management issues or was he into drugs ? because that seem to be the most common themes that land people in prison.
Why on Earth did you offer to foster a child knowing you have a chronic neurological disorder?! 😮
Everyone grieves differently, and it is difficult to nail down a timeline. Some people get though the process faster than others. I’ve lost both my father and mother. My father past first and it took me many years to go though the grieving process. My mother past 8 years later and it took significantly less time to grieve the loss. I loved them both. My oldest sister in comparison took significantly less time then me in both instances. God knows how much time we need and knows more than we do what we need.
My heart broke for the daughter of the nurse. I wish she could have enjoyed the retirement too 😭
That’s why I don’t follow every single one of the principles Dave teaches, no matter how biblical he says they are. You have to enjoy some of what you’re working for now.
@@ManuelHernandez-xt8pr What principle do you not think is biblical?
@@pkasper10 they are, it’s just his reactions to some of the callers sometimes. His buddy Hogan seems more suited to take the calls than Dave is.
Everyone needs to look in the mirror first on everything!! ie if you cant pay rent look in the mirror not blame your landlord or the government, if you are divorced look in the mirror not blame your ex etc etc
Danielle you have the right to remain silent. Don't do it. I did for 8 years with my kids step-mom once she has her own kid everything changes and her feelings towards your kids can change and she can force them out. Which is what happened.
Dr. D you have grown on me!! I enjoy your commentary!
I am so so glad the first caller called in with her questions about how to solve the problems of discipline with her son. My husband and I have had similar struggles with our 6 year old son. He’s always been very headstrong, and opposing towards us, and we know that there has to be ways of positively cultivating those traits, but haven’t been successful, and it can be so disheartening as a parent. I’ve researched parenting advice, We’ve gone to people we trust for advice, we’ve tried every method in the book, and nothing seems to work for us. The way you approach this was different, and quite frankly, refreshing, and makes sense. I am going to talk to my husband about your suggestions, and I believe, if we stay committed to this, we can help to positively affect our sons behavior, as well as the behavior of our other children. Thank you!
Find a creative outlet for him-- teach him something like basic bicycle maintenance-- my grandfather taught me how to lubricate and adjust the chain on my bike when I was probably around that age.
I'm sending this to my husband for our six yr old as well. Ssdd!! And that's... Same Story...lol 😜
Hold boundaries.
I don’t know if you’re still struggling but my oldest son has always been harder to parent and the thing that has absolutely made the biggest difference has been the “calm parenting podcast” with Kirk Martin. Absolutely life changing and super helpful. It is made specifically for those more challenging kiddos. Also anything by Kim John Payne, books or podcast is absolutely so helpful.
I recommend watching a series of Supernanny episodes here on UA-cam. She has excellent, practical advice that actually works.
This man is incredibly helpful and insightful.
There is always the possibility that a child is psychopathic. Psychopathy is a brain developmental deformity, a lack of development in the frontal cortex area where consequences are considered, where impulses are evaluated. If this brain area is abnormally underdeveloped, a child can learn to act like other people act, but they will be more impulsive and rarely consider the consequences of their actions.
Na... it is just lazy ass permissive parenting.
@@ineedhoez So differences in brain development and/or function don’t exist or aren’t relevant?
@@NicholsKT They do, but children in North America are being egregiously over-diagnosed and over-medicated for problems that are most often a reflection of dysfunctional family dynamics and sub-par parenting.
You never jump to worst case without need.
As a step- mom myself, and having been though the rough waters, I think it's important for her to recognize she is not mom, will never be mom, to this sweet girl.
She will have a role, but it is not as equals. It is best for the dad to communicate with his former spouse, not her.
Years down the road, after she has invested in making meals, picking her up at school, taking care of her when she is sick, and being this girl's cheerleader, she might earn some right to speak up.
They say it takes five years to adjust to a blended family. She is the outsider. This is a long haul.
Also, his first wife knows things about her new husband this woman does not know. There is a reason they divorced.
It was good advice to chill out and be kind and wait for the dust to settle.
Once this young lady has her own child, she won't have near the same time or energy to worry so much about her husband's former spouse.
It's a tough spot to be in and often is thankless for a long time.
I disagree. I believe that from day 1 of the marriage, that child becomes my child as well. Especially, if I am being asked to put in work caring for the child. If I don't have to deal with the kid, then ok. We co-parent as a thrupple. Anything else leads to resentment etc.
That being said, during the early dating stages of dating, we discuss our kids, parenting style, etc. I refuse to be asked to take on parental responsibilities but have no authority. Non starter
@@ineedhoez
That's fine. We all have our own way.
It's just a fact you will never be biological mom.
You may be wonderful, amazing , but never be the child's mom.
I have come to enjoy and have good relationships with my skids, but their mom is always honored.
No one replaces her.
I’m sorry, really intelligent kids don’t need to learn how to be sneaky or lie. It’s pride and preservation. Kids figure it out all on their own.
Agreed. Lots of kids lie because it's easier to be a yes man to feed their parents' ego than have hard conversations where everyone is in the wrong. I also agree with Dr. Delony that it's not enough to appropriately punish bad behavior, you have to correctly reward good behavior.
Thank you or he’s watching the 16 year old
Mr. Delony you’re amazing 🙌🏾
He's a pretty cool guy. God bless him and Dave Ramsey 😊
Hey Caller! I have a feeling your kid may have ASD, the behaviors sound a lot like my sons. My son is extremely bright and very high functioning, however the ASD+ADHD combo make it very hard for him to control his impulses and emotions and everyday behavior. May be something to look into!
Some men just cant cope on their own... women cope a lot better ...but so many men just cant cope my ex had an aunt who was a widow and fell in love with a widower, when she died he married again fairly quickly he couldnt cope on his own
I love the way John talks about marriage like it's okay to ditch a spouse, take on another, watching your kids go to someone else's house with a new mommy and daddy, how it's okay that all of this is happening and somehow every one is supposed to be fake happy for the sake of the kids. Am I the only one seeing how all this unhappiness is due to someone being selfish and how wrong it is to bring kids up in this atmosphere?
You are RIGHT ON. It's the way of the world now and why society is so messed up. It seems that "parents" (and I use that term loosely) just sacrifice their kids to get their own needs met and use "Kids are resilient" as a way to justify their own selfishness. Makes me sick...The old ways were the RIGHT ways.
He's not here to moralize but to help people think through their relationship problems and move towards a solution that will be best for them.
just remember, if that lady isn't there to take care of your dad, you will be responsible for it.
"Catch him being good!" I love it! Should not be life changing, but it definitely is.
We found out about my 8 yr old child was diagnosed with ADD. So we’re taking steps to ensure his wellness.
That was one of my first thoughts. So many kids are ADD or on the spectrum. I wonder if they have tried a sport that maybe the kid can channel his focus
This was my immediate thought. I am right there with that mom. My 8 year old is on the spectrum and has ADHD, and my 7 year old has severe ADHD and ODD. My 7 year old is EXTREMELY defiant and super difficult to parent. My oldest isn't nearly as defiant or difficult. Medication and therapy has really helped, but it only does so much. He is the type of child that you have to be extremely stern with. I have to be a total hardass with him, because if you give him an inch he takes a mile. I think the problem is that my husband is much more lenient with him because he feels bad and it's not in his personality to be so stern, but our youngest really needs it or he will take advantage of the smallest weakness. He also gets way too much negative attention from my husband, which I feel in my child's mind is a reward enough to encourage bad behavior. It's really difficult.
Caller might like Raising Your Spirited Child by Mary Sheedy Kurcinka. Talks about strategies like Good Labels are Contagious.
Hmmm...is he also aggressive? Does he have empathy? Does he hurt kids at school or home? If these apply, I'd go to a professional for testing.
Sometimes they just need more love and positive attention ❤
Very often, in fact.
Dr. John, thank you for your heart. High five to you sir.
A nine-year-old should not be dominating the household. Something's up there. My ex was raising his son to allow him to do whatever he wanted which included walking in on me in my closed-door bedroom while I was changing clothes. The ex thought it was OK to allow him 24-hour access to our lives as a couple. He was wrong! This poor kid was ruined in the long run - he's now selling weed at 18 years of age - because one parent didn't want to spend time with him while the other parent overdid everything in the other direction. I left the relationship obviously. Parents inflict so many of their own issues onto their children and then we wonder how they learned the behavior.
Amen. Amen. Amen.
Permissive parenting is dysfunctional. I am glad that you left. Children and teenagers need rational leaders in their lives.
The 9 year old: figure out in the family, how not to argue with each other and be aware of how the family displays being uncooperative, talking back, disrespectful with each other.
I learn so much from the callers. Thanks
That's the right approach. I congratulate you to your point of view!
Parents are failing their children by failing to hold boundaries for their kids. Permissive parenting is so dangerous. We have a whole generation of codependents raising narcissists!!!! Stop being lazy and do your job. Raise your children!!!
I don’t know about this first call. If you have 3 kids who have normal struggles with disobeying but learning. One in college. A teen. A younger one. And they are all within a "normal spectrum" of bad v good behavior I definitely would not FIRST blame the parenting. (Not disagreeing that it definitely absolutely has to be considered.)
I would ask for a referral to a good child psychologist to begin therapy and testing for high functioning adhd, asd, etc. If 3/4 kids are ok, it's time to ask from real life professional help on one 1. This 9 year old may be suffering internally so bad because he doesn't WANT to be this way.
Of course that's not the only option. But it makes me sad for the kid. No kid wants to consistently be in trouble.
Excellent John.
You know you're a fan when you like the video before it even starts
Sounds like my niece. She knows and learns it doesn’t care because she just wants attention. She admitted to that. Not to mention she wasn’t consistently disciplining when she was supposed to be even though she thinks she is. So that could also be part of it too.
You give such good advice. 💯💯💯
Great show with great advice.
Where is he learning? is he serious? People are born with personality. They are not robots.
Personality doesn't mean you can't follow rules
To the daughter who thinks Dad has never really grieved Mom... "the length of grief is no reflection on the depth of love felt". We all grieve differently. We honor the love we had by remembering and yet moving forward to give that love to someone else. ALSO, Mom was sick for two years. The grieving process started when she was diagnosed with cancer, not the day she passed.
My wife and I played that song in our wedding!!!
Tremendous episode!
ODD comes to mind
That’s what I was thinking. I have nephew with odd and what she describes sounds just like him. We love him but his behavior can be very hard.
I had a friend whose daughter was diagnosed with that. I don't believe in it. When I met the child she was 4 years old. She was definitely a brat. I would babysit her from time to time. I set rules for how she was to act in my home. If I give an instruction I expect immediate compliance. I never had an issue with her. Once, we are having a barbecue and she did something (i literally cant even remember what it is was) she wasn't supposed to do. I immediately sent her to the bedroom for some quiet reflection time. It was a 10 minute chill time. Her father proceeded to interrupt her quiet time by entering the room. Essentially, he was giving her attention for the bad behavior. I instructed him to leave her alone and go eat some ribs. He reported that the daughter was tossing watermelon seeds (acting out) on the floor in the bedroom. I told him that was fine. I told him that she would clean them up before she left the room and to stop giving her attention for bad behaviorl. The original bad behavior stopped, she was in the room regulating herself, and she understands that in order to rejoin civilization, her behavior must comport with the standards I set forth in my home. When her time out was completed, I entered the room and asked her if she was ready to rejoin everyone. She said yes. I advised her that she needed to clean up the watermelon seeds that she spit all over the floor. She cleaned up the seeds put them in the trash. She then rejoined us. When she rejoined, I was excited to see her and offered her food, drink, and an activity. She went about her business and colored in her book. No drama, no yelling, no meltdown, no nothing.
On the other side, her mother never set boundaries, never followed through with discipline, and the little girl smacked her mother in the damn face. Funny how I could get the child to do what I wanted and I barely spent time with her. It is 100% the parents. All the time.
No such thing as a perfect child, and having a disability or adhd or whatever, is no excuse for bad behaviour, and having a troubled kid is no excuse for abuse or neglect and whatever.
I don’t people learn to be sneaky or a liar. When your nine how can you really tell if an adult is being sneaky or lying?
Had a few mins, clicked on it and realized....it's for me. Ugh. This is gonna hurt.
I need this video desperately, but can't watch it yet because it premieres in 2 days!!!
Same here!! 😫
The wait's over!
I needed to hear this! Thank you
Thank you Dr. John
Some people are just born bad but i feel like this 9 year old middle child boy probsbly feels forgotten. He sees the college sibling graduating and being celebrated, and the 16 year old doing good in highschool, the he has a younger sister who is the first girl of the family so she gets tons of attention and he just feels left behind.
This sounds 💯 like my son who has now been diagnosed with ADHD.
Re. the first caller's issue:
Children in North America are being egregiously over-diagnosed and over-medicated for problems that are most often a reflection of dysfunctional family dynamics and/or sub-par parenting (usually because the parents simply lack the necessary skills). The fact that this woman's other children don't exibit problem behaviour doesn't mean much, one way or another.
I recommend watching some Supernanny episodes here on UA-cam for ideas on how to deal with an oppositional child. She's amazing and amazingly effective in helping both kids and their parents turn very difficult situations around.
Everything i listen to this show i have to turn down my volume a couple of ticks. Lol
I think the father regrets not spending money on his wife, and doesn't want to make the same mistake/ spends in her honor
Your parenting advice is spot on but how do you apply this to a 25 year old. I am asking on behalf of a friend who is experiencing a defiant child in a divorced family.
We didn’t think it was Jaír he was held back at school just because of his behavior” 😂😂 really lady?
I think her dad owes her an explanation as to why he wouldn’t allow her mom the breadwinner to spend her money.
Sounds like oppositional defiant disorder to me
ABSOLUTELY!
Also depends on What does this mom mean by disapline
Great advice. Thanks.
You are amazing ...thank you 😊
Awesome video.
You guys should be able to skip to topics because theres times i want to skip through to show ppl instead of going threw the whole video
If this is going on since PreK and the school telling you, this child needs help. I have been here. You need to see a Pyschiatrist and Counseling! At least get an opinion medically. It's not you as parents! Get him help before those teen years!! John you have no experience with this!
I don’t even have kids and this is interesting!
Im so glad my ex had no children to his now wife, i cant stand her and neither can my children
Another great video! I should consider that in my next VIDS 👍
Your dad is an adult, he is probably trying to dull his heart ache with other things, and honestly it's his money!
Thank you
I get the whole saying no thing but I wrestle quite a bit with it. I tend to circle back to James 4:17 Therefore, to him who knows to do good and does not do to him it is sin.
Anyone have any advice?
So your saying that you have to say yes to everything the "seems good" because saying no is a sin? When does over indulgence become gluttony?
Holly: your father may not be the problem. You are. You are the one that isn't grieving. He deserves to be happy NOW and it is going to be someone other than your mother. Destroying his happiness won't bring her back. Ever. It could end your relationship with him, and then you have no parents. If she gets the trinkets it isn't about you. She isn't stealing them from your mother. Grow up.
You're hateful.
Her mother never got to enjoy her retirement so she wants to make sure her father doesn't either.
I think if Holly wants to take care of her dad and be responsible for him as he ages, then I guess what she wants makes sense. However if she wants more freedom for herself and for her dad to be cared for by someone who loves him at the same time, then I don’t know if what she wants will achieve that.
Kids lie when you are being too strict. I have seen this over and over again. The 16 year old may be abusing him. Look into it. With 4 kids he’s getting lost in the shuffle.
You can thank your kids but DO NOT PRAISE or over thank either
Incompetent. He went all the way around the mulberry bush AND down that rabbit hole with that first caller, then shuffled her right off that line, didn't he? He's so "full of it, I bet'cha he knows it. He shnookered Dave or SOMEONE to be "recommended" by Dave. He's got ISSUES. He doesn't have a clue. He just yammers a lot with "filler" words,hoping nobody notices.
What a lot of nonsense. "Spare the rod and spoil the child". I didn't say it, God did. If people don't like it, take it up with God.
This depends on how you interpret this scripture. The best explanation I've read is the "rod" refers to a shepherd's staff, which is used for guiding and caring for the flock, not whacking them into submission.
@@ga6589 The rod and the staff are different actually. The staff is to lead and to guide, the rod is for protection and discipline. Some times the shepherd actually breaks the legs of certain sheep else they would willingly walk off a cliff to their death, he then carries them to what is best for them. Think on that for a few minutes..life is hard, be tough on your kids so they can survive and make it through this valley of tears.
My children are adults, all happily married, well-adjusted, highly educated and gainfully employed. Never had to resort to hitting them or breaking their legs. Violence breeds violence… think about that.
@@ga6589 That's awesome, GA. Congratulations on not raising entitled, spoiled, lazy, out-of-control children! My daughter is also a "happily married, well-adjusted, highly educated and gainfully employed"....quite gainfully employed. I also "never had to resort to hitting" her.....or yelling at her, or anything else!!! My daughter, of course, NEVER acted
like a spoiled, entitled, disrespectful, manipulative, angry BRAT, either. I'm sorry if you disagree, but some kids NEED the extra "discipline" when they act like that.
@@pamelak.8064 I was a public school elementary and special education teacher for 36 years. Corporal punishment was not an option. There are logical and effective ways to maintain order, discipline, and a nurturing environment in a classroom and in the home without hitting.
let safe u guys time on video he talks about he from Texas and he loves his wife and he have lots of zex with his wife . get the belt in Whoop that kid till he gets the hang of it
Maybe they are not trying to be defiant but brain was damaged before birth (ultrasounds) or after birth (early cord clamping)? How many kids are being damaged from ultrasounds (look up newer book by Jim West about extreme danger of ultrasounds found in Chinese human studies which showed they caused Autism/ADHD, cancers, tumors, etc- you can find it on Amazon) and what about the danger of early/immediate cord clamping?? Cord clamping started in the 60s and in the 90s the number of ultrasounds, duration of ultrasounds and power used started increasing. Affects boys more than girls since males are more vulnerable to stress/inflammation from ultrasounds/clamping (females have protective hormone - helps them later during labor). Please/kindly look this up and maybe do a segment on this. Prayers for the all the children.
Any stress as a baby can cause problems.
@@labrigful Totally agree. Stress = inflammation. More worrisome is how much more vulnerable an embryo is to stress. There's a reason the 1st trimester is the most dangerous for meds causing damage.
I treat kids with peri-natal brain issues. They don't talk back or lie.
Na... it is just parents with poor boundaries failing to discipline their child.