Hi folks, When I switched from a personal to a "branded" UA-cam channel, all my responses to these comments were lost. I do try to respond to each one. Thanks, Gina
All seriousness I wish more people would understand emotional part is so hard beating yourself up alot for for the impulsive choices you made they didn't understand this in I was in school
Thank you for sharing all your knowledge & experience regarding adult AD/HD.... This information & your presentation of it I felt in my heart. Gracie Benne ❣️💝. I’m hoping my family will see this to help them understand what I’ve been living with, all my life. ❤️
@@sheilaherrenbruck3371 Prego!!! Thank you for letting me know this video was helpful to you. Keep getting validated. ADHD can be a very difficult subject to teach...especially when people already have poorly conceived ideas about it. Bit by bit...... take care
Wow, this explains so much! I broke up with my then undiagnosed adhd partner over a year ago and am slowly realizing that my depression and burnout did not only come from my demanding job at the time. I was drained over years by being the one who had to manage and remember everything. When I spoke up, I was told off for nagging and I heard the phrase "if it stresses you that things don't get done, why don't you just do them yourself" a lot! Honestly, if a date nowadays would tell me they have adhd, I would run. I know it is not their fault, but I got to the absolute lowest point in my whole life, because of being with a person who did not take accountability for anything at all and the mental load became so much that I even had suicidal thoughts at the end.
I'm glad you have found validation here. It's so important. When we don't understand what's doing on, we tend to come up with all kinds of other WRONG answers - and they can definitely make a bad situation worse. If you're dating now, I would encourage you to read my first book. You don't want to wait for someone to tell you they have ADHD - because they might not know themselves! That is all too common. For example, they might be misdiagnosed with depression/anxiety, for example, and being prescribed medication that actually intensifies ADHD symptoms. Or they might have other explanations-ones they've been given all their lives- that still don't land on the target: ADHD. Knowledge is power, for you in understanding behavior. And it's powerful for adults with ADHD who are diagnosed and have taken better control of their lives. Take care of yourself! Gina amzn.to/3Xoc9TH
I feel you. I've dated someone with adhd and for two years I've been my absolute worst. I was wondering I was a narcissist because I was angry all the time. My ex would provoke me and make fun of me for being a moody bitch. He'd say I was especially scary right before my period and that I would make impulsive decisions (like when I wanted to break up). I felt so low I would even consider taking an anti depressant. During one huge fight I even pushed my ex because he wouldn't let me go. I felt like a monster. Never ever again. I'm unstable enough as it is and I guess someone with adhs needs a very stable partner. I'm so sad I lost two years of my life and most possible the chance to build a family.
Wow, that is my marriage as well. My wife has untreated ADHD. We're both 40, have 2 boys and have been married for 12 years. I've desperately wanted out multiple times. Just a couple weeks ago I was extremely low & despairing, feeling like we were on a knife's edge of separation. I've been deeply concerned for our boys at times. I did not realize the fullness of her ADHD when we first met. (Actually I'm not sure I realized she even had it at all!) Sadly, the ADHD behaviors are compounded, multiplied and amplified 100 times over by her semi-traumatic & abusive childhood. Learning how to cope has been demoralizing and compromising for me. Alas, we are professing Christians and have experienced abundant grace/mercy. Neither of us have been unfaithful toward the other. We committed to love, honor & cherish each other 'til death do we part. As I write this, positive things are happening that suggest change & improvement. At the same time, my heart is sooooo fearfully guarded. Thankful for encouraging videos and comments like these!
One thing to keep in mind, is this person with adhd had probably been told their entite life, literally reminded every single day how much of s failure they are. Especially if undiagnosed until adulthood. Lazy, selfish, inconsiderate, not living up to his or her full potential, immature, weird, etc etc. constantly being reminded of how far behind your peers are. The low self esteem is almost forever embedded into your soul. Time blindness means an hour to you is really 3 hours. You cant focus on anything to save your life, unless its your current hyperfocus in which you put all your mental power into, until your brain says "ok, not interested in that anymore" snd now its on to the next shiny thing. Try reading a page over and over, each time reaching the end only to realize you comprehended absolutely nothing. You actually study, work hard to prove you are smart, only to forget half of the information on test day, and fail the test. This happens throughout your school years. Your whole life is constantly letting people down. Trying your hardest to gain respect, just wanting to make people proud, but it never works. Your mind never stops, constant thoughts that you cant control. You dont sleep well because your brain does not shut off. Its maddening. As time goes on, majority of those constant thoughts are negative thoughts about yourself, your screw ups and potential screw ups. Constant anxiety of something you were supposed to do, something you dont even know you screwed up, just a constant feeling of doom.
Hi Kyle, I agree with you 1,000 percent. I don't talk about that in this particular lecture - which had a very tight focus. BUT I have described the phenomenon for 25 years in my presentations, books, and online training - the pile-up of unrecognized symptoms, misinterpretations, poor coping responses. I call it the ADHD Triple Whammy Roller Coaster. The other partner (or parent, sibling, etc.) has their own version of the Triple Whammy. When they are both sitting in the same roller coaster cart? Double Triple Whammy! 🙂 I focus intensively on breaking down this phenomenon in its components and revising misinterpretations and distorted mindsets, etc. All the way around. It's the failure to understand this pile-up that medication often "doesn't work." That's because the medication is treating only the first loop-de-loop on the ADHD Roller Coaster - Symptoms. Moreover, medication is often prescribed badly. We can't even target treatment goals until we know what we're targeting -- and the evidence-based methods for healing the counter-productive patterns. And I DO believe that most folks with ADHD can heal not only their poor self-esteem but their sense of self. I've worked very hard to help folks do just that. And it's very frustrating seeing that so few get the help they deserve. Thanks for your comment. My best to you. Gina
This is me, and now my husband is divorcing me, im literally living and breathing for my husband and children but im not a god enough wife because of my adhd, he can not stand me and there is no meds that can manage this. But my issue isn’t poorly managed adhd. Yes I have some things but I fight myself every day to be the best version on me. But some things I can not fight like forgetfulness.
Thanks for sharing this. I've experienced everything you've described, to a really specific degree. I have never been angry until recently and slowly became depressed. Couples counseling helped but ultimately focused on giver her space to get stuff done, and for me to express my thoughts (both would have the opposite effects). I've been saying for years I don't know how to manage our dynamic or intense defensiveness. It's become clear most resources focus on the one with ADHD and rarely on the partner. I never knew what were reasonable expectations and that ate away at myself for years. We broke up recently after 8 years and I have a lot of guilt to process. I wish we could make it but it became just too much, and I didn't want kids to get involved. Thanks for sharing your knowledge.
You're welcome. I'm glad you found this presentation from 2009. :-). Still holds! Unfortunately, the wrong kind of therapy can make things worse, as you discovered. And as I warn in my 2008 book, You would probably find important validation in that book. Also, I have the only discussion group for men with female ADHD Partners. While many issues are the same across genders, things can be different for men. For example, some therapists will see the male partner as "controlling" and "dominating", trying to squelch the fun out of their happy-go-lucky female partners. It can do a number on you. You're welcome to check out the group. There's an e-mail/web community and we also have a monthly Zoom group. I bet just a few meetings would help you process some of that burden. ginapera.adhdsuccesstraining.com/solutions take care
My current 10 year relationship started partly because of how warm, kind and intelligent my then-undiagnosed-ADHD partner found me to be. In-between then and now there have been three kids, years of depression and loneliness on my part, years of intense trying on his part (but misguided trying) and an only recent bombshell of realizing that it's ADHD. In the meantime, I've gone through every diagnosis under the sun both for him and for me, with none fitting until now. I now find myself to be very easily irritable and angry at the slightest provocation (I was always very calm before this relationship and I don't recognise myself any more) and he spends every fight telling me what an uncaring, cold person I am and how, if it wasn't for him, we would be divorced long ago because of my attitude.
@GinaPeraADHDRollerCoaster I am going to keep trying for a while longer, now hopefully using approaches more likely to succeed. My ADHD partner still believes that the main issue in our life is my attitude and we only have problems when he sees it and reacts to it. I have spent many fruitless hours in the past thinking that, if I can calmly explain why I felt angry/irritated/upset about something that he'll understand my point of view. These conversations inevitably ended with him getting defensive and upset and got us nowhere towards a more common ground. Knowing that I was making textbook errors (talking to him at the end of a day in a dark, quiet room thinking that would be a good environment 😆) really helps me. Since recognising ADHD I can finally, little by little, separate the behavior of the man himself from the disease, which is 1) helping heal some of my wounds of the last few years and 2) going to hopefully give me better approaches toward problem solving, ones that actually have a chance to be successful. And, if he ends up accepting that it will be work for both of us (not just me), then maybe I'll be able to get to a well-managed-ADHD version of the man I fell in love with. (Funnily enough, I think it was the positive aspects of the ADHD which contributed to me liking him in the first place! 😆)
Very informative. So true. I literally started crying after watching this. I recently found out that my wife has ADHD. Everything in this video is so true. I tried and tried and I am still trying to make my marriage work but it just doesn’t get anywhere. It’s a living hell. But I’m a Nurse and i love my wife so I am learning to cope with it now. I know I’m not the only one after watching this video.
Hi there, Knowledge is power. You can use this knowledge to elevate your relationship and your life -- your wife's life, too. I encourage you to read my first book. It explains all that you need to know, including how to get through "denial". The main thing to understand: ADHD symptoms can impair accurate self-observation. They can also make it difficult to pursue evaluation and treatment. This typically is a team effort. You will be ahead of the game given that you are a nurse. Here it is: amzn.to/3keufkw Good luck and stay tuned. I'll be launching a training course soon. Gina
@@Neeko_Z HI Neeko, Dr. Amen is a very smart psychiatrist. I hope you are finding benefit. One thing: I'm not sure how he approaches the topic of medication in that training. But, for many people with ADHD, it's a game-changer. Is it easy to get right? Is it easy to find competent prescribers? Unfortunately, no. That's why I included a "consumer guide" chapter to optimizing medication in my first book. We must self-educate and self-advocate. We cannot be passive. amzn.to/2X159eY It'd be great if you and your wife could work as a team on this -- not to "babysit" you. But to be a support, to provide feedback on how well/poorly the medication is working, and to shares notes on the prescriber's approach. good luck! g
@@amersonfamily2395 @Amerson Family Ach, I feel for you. The public (and even most mental-health professionals) simply do not have a clue. "Narcissism" is a descriptive term. It doesn't explain what else might be going on beneath. For some people with ADHD, symptoms impair empathy and/or empathic expression/actions. The behavior can be very much self-centered and even "narcissistic." Treatment helps many tap into their given capacity for empathy. That is higher for some than for others. take care of yourself! Know what you are up against.
Thanks so much for the videos, it’s helpful to have a qualified person express how difficult it can be for those who live with the ADHD sufferer. Everything out there online tends to focus on the person with ADHD themselves and fails to offer guidance or validation to the people they live with. My partner was diagnosed one year ago at age 50 and the last year has been a living hell for me. We have been together for almost 30 years but only in the last year has there been a major shift in his daily routine with no longer working outside the home with a regular schedule. Now that the rug has been pulled out from under him our lives have descended into chaos. He has always had a dominant personality and the added irritability, inability to deal with noise, need to control, need to correct me all the time, etc has left me unable to be myself in my own home. I keep modifying my behaviour to fit in around his condition to the point where I feel so anxious all the time and am utterly exhausted. It’s like walking on eggshells and it’s sad that this condition doesn’t just wreck the lives of the people suffering but also those around them with little to no support structures in place for the people living around the ‘sufferer’. On top of that he refuses to take medication so instead everyone around him has to find ways to deal with it. Not sure how much longer I can actually do that. Will look further into your website adhdrollercoaster. Just discovered these videos by chance today. Thank you.
Hi Red, I am well aware of the phenomenon and find it disgraceful. It's part of a well-funded commercial effort to "be positive" about Adult ADHD. No place for the "partners of" to express their hardships. Well, I make that place. In my support group, adhdpartnerwithginapera.groups.io/g/main And in my courses. "Thriving with ADHD" in a relationship requires teamwork and honesty. It might be that your husband's "refusal" of medication is more of a defensive wall than any considered opinion. There can be so much emotional charge around it. Once you get educated and validated, it can become sometimes easier to "reach through the denial." take care of yourself.....life typically does not have to be that hard. g
@@GinaPeraADHDRollerCoaster Thank you so much for the wise advice, it is greatly appreciated. I will most certainly check out the support group, I think it’s exactly what I need. Your website is fantastic, will be reading one of your books too. So glad I discovered the amazing work you do.
WOW! I had no idea that my husband ADHD is probably the cause of most of our issues. Is being upset selectively about messes also part of this? My husband will get angry if the cat spilled some wet food on the ground (which he steps in and now is my fault for not picking up) but his piles and messes are not seen or dealt with? Edit: Another thing. They want praise for things that are just part of being a normal adult? lol
Yes, it's possible. "Selectively upset about messes (others) while apparently not seeing their own." Remember, ADHD is highly variable. But there are some common patterns. "They want praise for things that are just part of being a normal adult?" The truth is, some of the simplest things ARE harder for adults with ADHD. Yet, these same adults might be quite competent in other areas. It doesn't make sense...until we get educated. Just FYI - my 50% off annual sale (of my courses) ends Nov. 14, midnight. Click here, make your selections (Course 1, Course 2) and the discount is automatically included when you click on that product to check out the description page ginapera.adhdsuccesstraining.com/?coupon=BLACKFRIDAY
Thank you so much for this. I just recently got diagnosed (I'm 36) and just came across this video. I encouraged my wife of 14 years to watch it and it triggered a long overdue discussion last night. She has been carrying a lot of emotional weight over the years that I hadn't really recognized. This diagnosis has helped make sense of so many things and I feel like we've been given a new start in a way.
A new start indeed! Congratulations! And thanks for letting me know that this video helped you. There's a lot more solid information in my book, to help both of you learn new strategies, new explanations, etc. amzn.to/3iDWckd
I hear you. But life doesn't have to remain that way. There are explanations, answers, strategies, treatments. Stay tuned for the online training I will launch within weeks. For both of you. take care!
I am in couple's therapy with my long-term boyfriend, and our therapist continues to primarily focus on my trauma and sensitivity, and we have only mildly touched upon his obvious ADHD symptoms. Our therapist also has ADHD. I don't know how to shift the conversation so that we spend some time acknowledging and discussing his part in the relationship. Also, what you said about turning into a controlling person is so true. I never felt like I had to create such clear boundaries in other relationships and there is a childlike defiance with my boyfriend.
Lee Anne, I know this territory extremely well. This is my couple-therapy clinical guide. adhdfocusedcoupletherapy.com/co-authors-gina-pera-and-arthur-l-robin/
I would encourage you to step back for a minute. Your boyfriend has "obvious ADHD symptoms." The therapist allegedly has ADHD and is doing nothing but focusing on your "trauma and sensitivity." In my experience, this is not going to get better. Your boyfriend might lack insight to his behaviors (also called "denial", three chapters on that in my first book, Is It You, Me, or Adult ADHD). She might be, too. There are many charlatans (some of them with mental health licenses) who promote this idea of ADHD giftedness and the rest of the world being talentless muggles who should bask in the light of their genius. 🙂 This is narcissism, and it is dangerous. Read my first book. It's an eye-opener, and it's endorsed by many preeminent ADHD experts. It's THE book on this topic. Neither of these people, it seems, can even see you or the situation you're in. That's going to be up to you alone, unfortunately. But my book will really help. take care of yourself! Gina
So glad I came across your channel! My husband has ADHD and I have really bad anxiety and PMDD... we fight so much to where I feel that we are just better of without each other. Will definitely finish watching this whole series and other videos on your channel!
Hi Ellen, I'm glad you found my channel, too! The fighting....when ADHD goes poorly managed...can just be over the top. Constant. Over small things and big things. Much of it is based on misperceiving what is happening. Some of it can happen due to self-conscious efforts to "gin up" stimulation and focus. adhdrollercoaster.org/adhd-and-relationships/adhd-relationship-arguments-conflict-self-medication/ I cover it all in my new course. Proper education and treatment can turn things around for many (but not all) couples. adhdsuccesstraining.com/solving-your-adult-adhd-puzzle-for-couples-and-individuals/ take care of yourself! g
This is one of the very few videos that are on point for adult adhd...most are just about time management and attention. But it's SO MUCH MORE....those little things I can accept and appreciate. It's the chaos, the nastiness , and the fighting and arguing that I can not do much longer. He knows he's got adhd and never had symptoms for well over 9 years bc we lived a healthy lifestyle (gym working out daily, eating healthy, and sleeping and a work routine) covid 19 closed gyms for over a year and then lost his job then I lost mine so wow!!!! He's a different person.... I'm lost and don't know what to do. I've tried about everything except walking away. I love him dearly but, I love myself more...I'm breaking down mentally and physically. It's just too much!💔
Thanks, Jennifer. I'm glad you find these videos useful. If you like these, you will probably like the rest of my work, too, including my new online course. adhdrollercoaster.org/about-author-gina-pera/ He probably "never had symptoms" over those 9 years because you were creating the structure for him. The trouble is, trying to mange INTERNAL ADHD symptoms with EXTERNAL solutions often only goes so far. Moreover, as you found out, changes can pull the rug out from under you. Lost job. Lost anchors for the day. COVID loss of gyms, etc. Stress. The external support breaks down, and so does the functioning. If you decide to try salvaging the relationship, it behooves you both to double-down on ADHD education and evidence-based strategies. Including, for many people with ADHD, medication. I know it sounds strange, but medication can help the person to live a healthier life, keep better habits, because the brain is more "organized". take care of yourself! g
I have been married to someone with ADHD for 21 years due to emotional stress Dr said I now have chronic pain/fibromyalgia which I am dealing with now. I am frankly exhausted in so many ways, it’s hard to live with and be married to someone with ADHD.
Hi Sonia, The stress can be over-the-top. The public (and even a big chunk of the mental health profession) truly has no clue. I wrote about the potential physical health effects from living with a partner who has poorly managed ADHD. You will find validation and guidance in my book. amzn.to/3udOvKw And you might be able to, after what you read has settled in your mind, convince him to work with you on better ADHD management strategies, including perhaps medication. Best of luck to you. Gina
I am a 34 year old veteran. I have been in the V.A. "mental health" program for 11 years. I have been misdiagnosed with bipolar, Borderline Personality Disorder, and many others. I am just recently understanding that I have ADHD and learning to overcome on my own. I am lucky that I have met a woman willing to work through it with me who also has ADHD.
Hi James, I’m sorry that happened to you. Unfortunately, the VA has a poor reputation when it comes to ADHD. Some people might think this is a minor thing. But no, it is enormous. Especially when ADHD mistaken for bipolar, personality disorders, etc. - and treated with medications that can just make everything worse. I know the VA has its good points. But I use as a litmus test for a health system how well it recognizes and treats ADHD. I’m glad you found someone to work with you now. Fortunately, there is a wealth of solid information these days - unlike when I started! Thanks for visiting and stay tuned for the online training I will launch soon!
I was so stressed ..I ended the relationships..I felt like a tornadoe with through me..Afterwards I thought about what happened and started watching these videos.. I really think this 60 year old has never been diagnosed..He went right into another relationship..I'm too old to go through this..I pray he finds someone that loves him enough to stay with him and gets help..to address these issues..
Our last therapist recommended me to just do it all to prevent disappointment. Sure. Because I can do everything for a family of 4 while working full time with a chronic illness
@@GinaPeraADHDRollerCoaster This specific therapist said she had experience with ADHD and her own child has it. I was in nursing school then with two littles and struggling to study because he either couldn't or wouldn't help. Then he would do passive aggressive things to get back at me when I told him when or where he messed up or where I needed more help from him. I'm so tired
@@sugarbeesour8654 I understand your fatigue. Absolutely. So do many others in similar situations. I also understand that you trusted that therapist to have the knowledge she claimed to have. But it sounds like she did not. And that is all too common. Anyone can claim expertise. That can be based on skimming through one consumer book or it can be based on in-depth study. There is no way to substantiate this. That's why I recommend that consumers get educated first, before they ever seek any kind of help for ADHD, from evaluation to medication. At least that way you can assess the skill level first. It's also why I created the training. It's abysmal out there. So many people trying and failing because they don't get proper help. g
@@sugarbeesour8654 - I hear you. And sorry if I came across as "you picked the wrong therapist." Not what I meant. I meant that many therapists and prescribers claim ADHD expertise but do not have it. The thing is, telling your ADHD partner to help more or where he messed up....typically not a good long-term strategy. The best long-term strategy is maximizing sleep, medication, and collaborative strategies to get things done. take care g
@@GinaPeraADHDRollerCoaster and what do you do when they refuse medications and ask treatment? He refuses to get s job because he wants to finish his degree But refuses to take medications to focus to do his homework. He didn't apply to sub like he told me he would to supplement income. He didn't apply for voc rehab or any of the programs he was supposed to apply for to get free money for school (3 programs that would have paid for the semester and given him money back). We've been overdrawn 4 paychecks in a row now. His mood swing ruined our 10 year anniversary trip. His impulsiveness took him out of town for a last minute work thing on my birthday week and then he forgot to celebrate my birthday or call me that week because he was so busy. He blew money last fall and then took money out of his retirement to pay for Christmas. Then he griped me out for using the money for Christmas. He missed the deadline this spring again for the free college money. He will schedule an appointment to get medications and then mid the appointment. If he does go, he will change his mind and not take the meds. We've been having the exact same conversations weekly for years as if the ideas and the decisions are new. He refuses to get a side job because he doesn't know anyone in our city. At home, his mom and dad had connections for every single job he had. They've handed everything to him all his life and now he doesn't know what to do. It's exhausting. I've had it. I told him he had 3 weeks until the kids are out of school and he can take them to his moms for a week. He can either move in with them this summer and make his own phone and car payment or make some changes. He gaslights and blame me for his choices and the consequences of his actions. I am done.
I'm so sorry. Take care of yourself. I offer many other resources, including a blog, books, and new online training, including Zoom meetings. adhdrollercoaster.org/
The walking on eggshells thing. I could sigh because it was raining and he would take it as a personal attack, he would launch into this absolute RAGE at the perceived insult from me. And then he would be irritable for at least a week. I never knew what would set him off, and it was never consistent. What had previously never been an issue suddenly became one. I swear he sought out things to be mad about. He would poke and prod at me to get a reaction, and I would try to stay calm and controlled and not take his bait, but then he would get upset and sulk and claim I'm not "listening to him" and "ignoring him" and his "proof" that I don't listen is "I just insulted you for two hours and all you did was nod!" and I could never get him to actually consider how terrible it was that he admitted to purposefully calling me awful words (sometimes slurs!) and saying awful things about my worth... The big issue to him was that I didn't take it personally, and somehow that meant I didn't love him??? He made no sense. I got off the ride and I've been told over and over by so many people that I was holding him to an "impossible" standard, that I was abusive for "expecting too much from a person w ADHD". I think it's perfectly fine to expect a partner, adhd or not, to not call their partner misogynistic and degrading slurs. I refuse to be shamed for prioritizing my own mental health and leaving a relationship with someone w ADHD. Never again.
Wow, that's horrible. Where do those people get off? Did they live in your home, in your relationship? NO ONE knows what happens in another person's relationship. Good for you, for not taking to heart this nonsense. The thing is, though, ADHD affects individuals, not clones. It's a very variable syndrome. Despite the stereotypical nonsense we see online. re: "poke and prod" to get a reaction. I wrote about this in my first book and this popular blog post: adhdrollercoaster.org/adhd-and-relationships/adhd-relationship-arguments-conflict-self-medication/ take care g
I needed this so badly. Your are literally telling our story - it's almost like you have been living in our home. My depression level has hit an all time high recently as my husband has recently told me that he feels like all my yelling and nagging was abusive and he doesn't think he can ever love me again due to the level of abuse he's faced. Thanks to you I now know it was a response to his ADHD characteristics and I just didn't know. He may not be able to change his mind, but now that I know I'm not completely to blame I am finally feeling like I'm not the worst person in the world. Thank you so much for explaining why I have been on eggshells and controlling and even physically ill during our marriage.
I'm so sorry that happened to you, as it does to countless others. To make matters worse, some individuals and others with financial interests are promoting the idea that it's only people with ADHD who are abused by their partners -- that it doesn't come from the other direction, too. The answer isn't blame in any direction. It's being honest and educating people on the full complexity of ADHD and how it might be playing out in their everyday lives. Then pointing folks to strategies for change. "Denial" in some adults with ADHD can present a brick wall. And the online peddlers and unsavory marketers exploit the denial. It's shameful but it's happening. What's important now, for you, is getting clear on what's happening so at least you can re-claim your sense of yourself. I encourage you to read my first book for the comprehensive education. It's extremely validating even if you decide to leave the relationship. Take care of yourself! amzn.to/3pOJBB2 Gina
Gosh. I love my person so much. I don't want him to suffer. He is so miserable with me. I love him so much. I just wish I was normal. He deserves someone normal. I think I am going to have to leave him for his sake. This sounds like hell. I just need to be alone. He deserves normal.
I've even thought this about my childraising...even now that she's a responsible adult. "It would be better, without me". I'm loved but get tired of feeling like a failure. The Lord is my hope and portion... and salvation from myself.
Please don't give up. He might not be aware that you truly love him. Some partners of ADHD people think this person can't possibly love us if they treat us this way, and lots of ADHD people don't know how to explain, which leads to a dead-end.
I'm glad to have explained what might have been a mystery! Of course, these folks aren't doing it on purpose. It's become an automatic survival habit, of sorts. I wrote about it in my first book -- and on my blog. Since then, others have copied. But I wrote about it first. That and many other topics. 🙂 adhdrollercoaster.org/tag/self-medicating-with-conflict/
Yes, I feel like I have three children instead of two. Oh my god! This is the first time I've ever heard an expert speak about how men are forced to deal or not deal with an ADHD spouse. The anger, depression, self loathing for marrying this woman, throwing things, eventually hitting a wall because they wear you out and blame you for getting upset about their behavior. It's more difficult when you have children and all they see or hear is Dad picking on poor Mom.
@@Steve-l6i1i hi Steve, wish you’d found me sooner! I’ve led groups for men with female ADHD Partners for many years. First locally, in Palo Alto, and then virtually. You are welcome to join us, nothing beats feeling seen, validates, and supported. Until we have that, it can be hard to find our way clear. ginapera.adhdsuccesstraining.com/ginaperacommunity Take care.
It’s not worth it , the more I Learn the more I realize breaking up was the right choice for me. I was so unhappy with my ADD partner. I couldn’t depend on them especially in life or death situations or any real emergency.
@@graigjr9052 hi there.... I read it as Mike saying that the difficulties in his relationship made it not worth staying in the relationship. I don't think he was referring to all people with ADHD.
Thank you, Gina, for sharing this presentation.. I have a sister and partner who has ADHD. I love them both and try to be as patient as I can, whenever issues come up, but many times I just get so exhausted. Of course I’m trying to be a better partner but I’m glad that I’m at least not alone in my struggles, and if so many people before me have been successful at managing their relationships then mine can work too.
Hi Maria, You are definitely not alone. I know....we're seeing that bad advice a lot online lately. From people who are more marketers and self-promoters than ADHD experts. Being patient is a great skill, when wisely applied. But when your "being patient" is the only strategy, it's doomed to failure. To exhaustion. And to never helping your loved ones with ADHD ever get traction on their challenges. Because proper help for Adult ADHD is so hard to find, I created this course. I encourage you to check it out, along with your sister and partner. This is what evidence-based therapy for Adult ADHD looks like....solid education, guidance in identifying how general ADHD symptoms are manifesting for the individual, and understanding the particular patterns of late-diagnosis ADHD. This is not for the average therapist to sort out. Or even most of those claiming ADHD expertise. Good luck! adhdsuccesstraining.com/solving-your-adult-adhd-puzzle-for-couples-and-individuals/ Compassion and knowledge and informed strategies. That's the ticket.
So my marriage....I get nuts . Nervous tension I lost myself completly. Its was my trauma, it was me....he left me ! He is diagnosed adhd add. I belieft him for years. Adhd add broke me. He was my third child
A lot of what you're saying is so spot on in my relationship. Too make matters worse, my partner has adhd too and he refuses to address or manage any of it, which only makes it more challenging to manage my own. Lately we've both been teetering towards ending our ten yr relationship. I know we both see there are certain parts of who we are, with or without adhd, which we can't change and other parts that just take more effort to get there. Though at what point do you keep running into brick walls hoping to find or create a sustainable opening that always seems to be moving around, and at what point do you just say ENOUGH. I've already altered myself in a myriad of ways, many of which were good for me anyways, but the more things go on, the less i can even find any logic or motivation to change anything else -- especially when it feels like I'm both moving forward twice as fast as he is and yet also standing still trying to allow for him to catch up even just a little bit. Which i wouldn't mind doing as much if he was able and wanted to make the effort to ebb try to catch up with me. Though he's got such poor self care habits that I know he doesn't know or half the time even see what he's doing or not doing, which makes me question if he'll ever be able to learn to recognize such things. And do i hold out and wait to see if he evolves while my health declines from stress, or stop torching myself and get it over with and ended, regardless of how much i love him... uhg. Anyways, your video touched on many very real things for me and my relationship, and i really appreciate that you published your talk. I've honestly just been blaming our incompatibilities in general, which while that's certainly a factor, isn't everything when adhd is involved. I'm going to keep watching your series and do more research and see if yet another approach my salvage our family..
HI there, I'm so to be just now seeing your comment. UA-cam is not sending me notifications, and I can't figure out how to fix it. It sounds like treatment for your partner will be imperative if you to survive. When ADHD symptoms are severe enough in a partner, you simply cannot do enough to compensate. And you do risk losing sight of how dysfunctional your life has become. (Check my book passage on "Frog in the Pot Syndrome.) I am serious. I'm at the age where I absolutely see how short our time on earth is, and how no one is going to look out for us better than us. Please take care of yourself! If you are still in the relationship now, I encourage you to read my first book. Sometimes it really takes the higher-functioning partner taking the lead in pursuing treatment and implementing systems. Here is the link: amzn.to/2DTstjG
I impulsively broke up with my girlfriend on Valentine’s Day after what started out as a normal conversation. I never wanted that and it breaks my heart to think of that time. It truly was just a hyperactive brain and inability to regulate the self. We are okay now but no longer together (understandably). She was extreme motivation to seek treatment because of how I was unable to be the partner I wished I could’ve been for her, and I am SO much better in SO many ways now that I am medicated for ADHD. Miss her for sure, but things are gonna be okay. Thankful for you SM.
Hi SM, you're most welcome, and thanks for your comment. I hear that so often....the impulsive "breakup". Quite understandable, imho. We can get just so fed up with "trying" and...not hitting the mark. What else to do but give up. I'm glad you at least have found some resolution with that relationship instead of letting that experience turn you off relationships in general. (It happens!) Yes, we all need education and validation earlier..... the collective pain and suffering....overwhelming. take care g
Wow. This is me at this stage. Hitting my 2nd year of marriage and all these quirks about me are more noticeable than ever before. I've been diagnosed with PTSD, Depression, Anxiety but my husband has picked up all these other symptoms. So I went to see a Dr. and he diagnosed with ADD. I can't believe after 45 what I've been surviving....
Good for your husband! You picked a smart one! :-) Depression, anxiety, trauma, PTSD, bipolar disorder....so many misdiagnoses for ADHD. Congratulate yourself for achieving all that you have. The rest of your life should be easier now!
I'm crying like a baby. I had a girlfriend with untreated ADHD...I was calm and I tried my best to be there for her... to protect her from the world... because she was always getting in trouble for being misinterpreted. But one day she provoked me so much that I got myself punching the wall. Please. Translate your book to Brazilian Portuguese. People with adhd have zero support here. I felt so guilty and alone for not being able to help her more... to do more... but I could not...I was feeling pain in my back and chest everyday because the stress... and I felt a completely failure...thank you. Your videos made me realize that I was not alone.
Dear Sergio, you are definitely not alone. This presentation is from 2009. I've worked steadily ever since to expand awareness, education, and support. I even offer a. Zoom group just for the male partners of women with ADHD. Their needs can be distinct. Many of us exhausted ourselves into ill health from trying to help our partners with ADHD. The situations are always variable but it can be very, very hard, and we get almost no help from the "mental health profession." In fact, they often make it worse. I'm sure you did your best. And I hope you do not feel guilty. You can point her to resources now but sometimes it takes a few years for the person with ADHD to realize that they need help, that they cannot blame others or expect miracles from them. take care g
I only realized my partner had ADHD because his mom clearly has ADHD. I grew up in a narcissistic household, which has really complicated the issue. I don't want to be abusive but my partner is so difficult to work with as a life partner, and even simple situations become so complicated. I'm just not sure if the situation is good for either one of us. I'm so exhausted so much of the time.
Chronic exhaustion is no way to live. Neither is chronic frustration. I'm a big believer in taking advantage of all that we know about ADHD and its treatment strategies -- to improve our lives. I've seen such an outpouring during this COVID situation from people who were hobbling along, not embracing ADHD diagnosis and treatment, and just trying to cope.....but now the situation has made it so much harder to cope without solid strategies. Not that treatment always means huge positive changes. But it typically does help. Good luck. Take care of yourself.
Today it's like somebody understood me, I am with my partner for 8 years now, he is diagnosed with ADHD, I really connected and understood each and every word you said ..After 8 years now he has gone into his shell and he really distant himself from me , I really want to continue my relationship with him ... but I really dont know how.I wanted your help and guidance as to how can I.make this work
HI there, I'm glad my conference presentation (from 2008!) helped you. I've only learned lots more since then. It is quite common for adults with ADHD to "avoid" discussions that they know will go nowhere. They will be told how much they are disappointing, they will feel bad about it (or, with some, angry and resentful). But they won't know how to change. So they just retreat and avoid. I encourage you to check out my new course. This is what effective therapy looks like for ADHD but is so hard to find. ADHD therapy is mostly education, finding out how the complexity of ADHD is applying in your particular case - and then focusing on solutions. One by one. I lay it out in a very step by step, digestible way. Short videos. Focused topics. Worksheets to personalize the lessons. There's also an option for Zoom meetings, with me and others in the course. This is a rare opportunity that many are finding hugely beneficial. FYI, he doesn't have to take the course with you. In fact, I recommend that one partner starts first. Learns, lets the emotions settled, and strategies become clear. And then approach the more reluctant partner, this time with new understanding. Check it out! and good luck! adhdsuccesstraining.com/solving-your-adult-adhd-puzzle-for-couples-and-individuals/
This is why my ex recently broke up with me. Of course I didn’t know I had ADHD at the time, but I had no idea why I acted the way I did. Hot/cold, different mood each day, some days I acted like I loved him and other days I didn’t want him near me. Knowing I was pushing him away just made me feel even worse. I just want to explain this to him so we can try again but don’t want it to sound like some sorry excuse
Hi Rachael --- rather than a "sorry excuse," I view discovering that one has ADHD as a "crucial explanation." 🙂 The thing is, though, the diagnosis typically isn't enough when it comes to re-engaging a former partner. It typically helps to be on board with serious self-education (that is, NOT most of what we see online) and treatment. In other words, if you want things to be different, you'll need to know how to do that first. (And for new relationships!) My course has been helping many ADHD-challenged individuals and couples to "warp-speed" their learning curve. You might want to check it out. ginapera.adhdsuccesstraining.com/solvingyouradultadhdpuzzle take care
We will never be perfect, and will never be what a neurotypical partner can be, but obviously we can be better than who we were when we didn't know we had ADHD. I'm 38, diagnosed a month before turning 35, and even though I have made a lot of progress, I know I'm still a burden in my relationship. On top of it all, vast majority of people can't truly sympathize with us because it's pretty much an invisible disability to them. Everyone deals with our symptoms here and there so why wouldn't they assume we are making up excuses. It's difficult to get sympathy and understanding, especially when that person has to deal with out issues day in and day out
[through Google translate] ¡Hola! Sí, desearía que esto también estuviera disponible en español. Pero hay mucha buena información disponible en español. Por ejemplo, visita a mis maravillosos amigos en Proyectodah - Cerebrofeliz. ua-cam.com/users/ProyectodahCerebroFeliz
I have just realized I have ADHD at 30, and I'm so exhausted. My love life is always a complete mess. I'm innatentive and a people pleaser, and I've got the lovely mix of avoidant and anxious attachment. There's so much work to do, I honestly don't understand how I'll be able to cope.
I hear you! It can definitely feel overwhelming, according to the literally thousands of adults with late-diagnosis ADHD I've known. But here is the GOOD NEWS. You don't have to reinvent the wheel! And you don't have to do it all yourself!! Many dedicated professionals have been working for years to shorten those learning curves - and give evidence-based strategies. That is, those proven to be effective. Not some Tik Tok'r opinions. Not a guru who has "alternative" answers. Not standard therapists or prescribers. I've spent 25 years learning all the ins and outs - and guiding people out of the overwhelm. Rather painlessly and, comparatively speaking, quickly. And cost-effectively. Check out my online training and the option of joining us in Zoom groups. Feel free to send a note through the contact page, which goes to my e-mail. You are not alone here! ginapera.adhdsuccesstraining.com/
@@GinaPeraADHDRollerCoaster You're right, and I'm thankful that there is so much info out there right now. Unfortunately, I'm both single and unemployed, thus not very economically stable, so I can't afford to enroll in any courses right now. Thank you though.
Thank you for this Video. That is exactly what the issue is for my marriage. Now, when friends and family ask me what my issue is, I will share this video. One of my biggest issue has been explaining to people. They don't get it all.
I agree! For 20 years, when people (seated next to me on a plane, a new hair stylist, etc.) ask me what field I am in, and I say "Adult ADHD," -- I hear it all! Now I tell them I am an accountant! :-) ADHD is tricky because the symptoms ARE human traits. It's the number and severity of those traits, in the presence of impairment, that makes the diagnosis. Humans, as a rule, don't do well in understanding gray area. I think that's a bit part of it with ADHD. g
I'm happy you found these videos useful. It's a very difficult phenomenon for most people to understand. I encourage you to read my comprehensive book on Adult ADHD - the symptoms, the patterns over a lifetime of going without diagnosis/treatment, the potential effect on love ones AND the evidence-based treatment strategies amzn.to/2H1yvST You’ll also find 10 years of posts at my award-winning blog: adhdrollercoaster.org/ (I’m sorry for the late reply. UA-cam notifications are erratic.)
I hear you! That's why I have never, in 25 years, used the term "non-ADHD Partner". First, because that's just a ridiculous term to describe millions of people. Second, because it implies that both partners couldn't possibly have ADHD....or something else! Dual-ADHD couples do themselves a big favor by maximizing treatment strategies and implementing "environmental supports" to Executive Functions. You might want to check out my training and options for peer support: ginapera.adhdsuccesstraining.com/ good luck!
Haha i fell in love with a person who has adhd, and i too have adhd, its beautiful, we can understand eachother sooo much, but when its bad holy hell, my god please save us. Im passive aggressive and he is a bit just uncaring with his words and knows how to push buttons and get me raging lol.
Hi again, Oh yes, the Dual-ADHD Relationship. It can be a thing of beauty-or chaos. :-) Regarding that button-pushing....try not to take the bait. It only encourages the "self-medicating" habit. adhdrollercoaster.org/adhd-and-relationships/arguments-conflict-as-self-medication/
Hi Michael, You know, "sinister" is a good word in some cases but "blind" and "unaware" is a good word in other cases. Many people with ADHD are operating blind, unaware of their difficulties or that they constitute a "diagnosis" and might be helped with treatment. The new relationship can be stimulating and "hope springs eternal." Until the old familiar patterns start cropping up. For others, they know they have a very problematic history, they might even have a diagnosis-which they might have ignored. If they disclose this to a new love interest in time, they might minimize it or even use it to elicit the person's sympathy. Either way, it's always good to be able to recognize the potential trouble signs. thanks for your comment. g
@@GinaPeraADHDRollerCoaster “operating blind”? they have had it their entire lives. If they choose not to get help or hide it from love interest that’s sinister. I’m sorry but I don’t see how anyone could be operating blind and not know they have a serious issue. It’s more like they consciously decide to hide it from everyone. Not all but a good percentage.
@@michaelesq.atpcfii.9862 I think it's impossible to put numbers on it. But "blindness" or "denial" of ADHD is real-at any age-and it can be physiological as well as psychological. I devoted three chapters to this in my first book. The very symptoms that create problems for a person are the same symptoms that can get in the way of seeing themselves clearly and following through on an evaluation and treatment. It's complicated. :-) As you say, "they've had it all their lives." That means this is their "normal" -- they've never lived another way. amzn.to/3kJvVUA
@@michaelesq.atpcfii.9862 I didn’t know I had ADHD until I was 39 years old. As a girl from the 80s It was considered a disease that boys got and grew out of. Women are only now starting to be diagnosed because we showed different signs. Many of us are conditioned to mask, to hid what is chaos in our brains, and may not notice the chaos. I didn’t know how much my internal thought process was different until medication showed me what the majority of people brains feel like. I wasn’t acting sinister. I, and many, are doing the best we can with a brain that doesn’t process dopamine in an efficient manner.
I don’t think they willfully hide it. I think normally they hope it will all get better with the new partner. Most people with ADHD are full of good will, especially as long as they think it’s their fault! Wish all the best!
I dated a girl with adhd and I loved her so much..but it got to a point where I couldn't take it any more.she would Blane me for every little thing.which I know I'm not perfect in any way but it was just to much.i was just walking on eggshells
Hi Anthony, you're not alone in that regard. Sometimes ADHD symptoms create poor self-awareness and objectivity. Everything is someone else's fault. At least you recognized your limits. Many people don't. And by the time they do, they're sort of in deep. take care, g
@@GinaPeraADHDRollerCoaster I was with her for 2 yrs but it just got to a point where I said this is enough.which don't get me wrong I still love the heck out of her..
I have been watching these videos to better understand a sibling with ADHD. Unfortunately my sibling does not seem interested in understanding how their behaviour affects others (and they have hurt some people very badly). So far it seems like they are satisfied with chalking it up to the ADHD and ... that's it. It is quite discouraging and I don't see how any of their relationships can improve.
Hi Pink, Kudos to you for seeking to better understand your sibling. Unfortunately, this can be one of the very difficult aspects to ADHD in some people: denial of their challenges. But sometimes it's not denial. It's resignation. They see no way they can change their behavior, so why bother? It's pointless. So, your sibling might seem to be "satisfied with chalking it up to ADHD" but it might be the only option your sibling sees. And/or not being fully aware of the negative impact on others, your sibling remains stuck. It might not seem like being stuck to you -- or even your sibling. But I bet there are other aspects of life that aren't going well -- and that might continue and deepen with age. The best thing you can do is educate yourself so you don't compound any feelings of hurt with believing this is intentional, selfish, or otherwise behavior that indicates not caring for you or your family. If your new knowledge helps you to react differently to your sibling-- or point the way toward treatment and change -- that's a bonus. best, g
I would not call it as denial but total unawareness. Not a choice but the brain does not - does not - recognise it. Not a choice by any means. You need to understand that it is the brain's condition. A light switch of comprehension/knowing how to fix this for the rest of their lives is not just going to simply happening by you telling them, no matter how many times you drive yourself crazy by thinking this is how this SHOULD be.
@@jodavey7709 I don't know why people keep saying "it's not denial" because I never said it was denial. Nor a light switch or whatever else. Or that I was driving myself crazy with "shoulds". It sounds like people are saying "your ADHD sibling just isn't going to change so you just have to accept their behaviour". What if that means at best a completely one-sided relationship? Just giving and never getting anything in return? Or that plus abusive behaviours like screaming and insults? Wasted time and money?
Hi Caroline, you are welcome. I'm happy to know that my first presentation resonated for you! These tips and more are listed at the back of my first book: amzn.to/3j1xWPp. take care, g
I often wonder what would happen if you could give a "normal" person full blown ADHD for one day. And I guess apart from other things being not used to that condition from the beginning as we are they wouldn`t even survive the first five minutes in modern day urban traffic, and this is meant literally.
I agree with you. My friend Jaclyn at the blog The ADHD Homestead just wrote very eloquently on this topic. Excerpt: Most of us with ADHD have heard the refrain, “but this happens to everyone. You just have to power through it.” Nobody loves paying bills or doing housework. Everybody feels scattered sometimes. Why should some people get to use ADHD as an excuse, while the rest of the world just has to suck it up?It can be hard to answer this question. There’s a grain of truth in it. Under enough stress, even the most put-together person can develop ADHD-like symptoms. ADHD traits are, at the end of the day, magnified human traits.The key difference between “it happens to everyone” and “it’s ADHD” is context. For someone without ADHD, the struggle is caused by something external, like a big deadline or a family crisis. True ADHD emerges in childhood, usually by early elementary school. It also impairs us in multiple roles (e.g., both at home and at work/school). It sticks around, no matter how we change our environment or our diet.This isn’t an excuse. People with ADHD can bring our symptoms under control with medication, adequate self-care, and other coping strategies. And we should, if we want to lead fulfilling lives and maintain healthy relationships. adhdhomestead.net/everyone-adhd-sometimes/
0:26 "maybe they remember it differently[..." yes because the anxious noncommittal person says "i don't think suchandusch" keyword "i" and "thnik". meaning it was up for interpretation. you DON"T think, but i DO think. so now what?
ha!! I won't tell my friend Russ that you said that. :-) He sure does know what he's talking about. He validated my perceptions years ago and encouraged my work. The entire ADHD community owes him a huge debt.
You know, that really varies with the individuals involved. Sometimes when both partners have ADHD-and are really working to embrace good strategies-the couple can do very well. Without using good strategies, though, I've seen these couples do very poorly. Neither one is able to stop the other's destructive behaviors around money, sleep, etc. I specifically asked two friends, both in dual-ADHD relationships, to write the essays for my blog's "book club"-based on reading my first book, "Is It You, Me, or Adult A.D.D." You can read their essays, chapter by chapter, here: adhdrollercoaster.org/tools-and-strategies/new-free-you-me-adhd-book-club/
That is a good topic. The tricky part is that, typically, each partner will experience ADHD differently. For example, one partner might be great at managing money but lousy with domestic chores. The other partner, the opposite. So, there will be predictable conflicts in those areas. Sometimes, though, with the more extreme cases, both partners have a habit of letting everything "slide". And they find themselves living in debt, in clutter, and in chaos. The solution is to "externalize" systems as much as possible. To use calendars, to-do lists, wear wrist-watches, share a task list, etc. And to do it regularly. These external supports help to offset ADHD-related disorganization (of time, of stuff, of priorities). Also: to maximize physical strategies (medication, sleep, exercise, nutrition, etc). I asked two friends, both good writers, both who have ADHD, and both who are married to people with ADHD.....to write essays for the "book club" on my blog: ADHDRollerCoaster.org Here is the first post for the book club: adhdrollercoaster.org/adhd-and-relationships/chapter-1-you-me-and-adhd-online-book-club/
Yes. If they learn to love God more then themselves, same for you, and both are willing to study their own unhealthy Codependencies, detach from the outcome, study the purpose of marriage, then it can be worked out beautifully. 9 First Fridays Devotion made things fairly easy, in comparison. Julie Ross has been doing natural amino acid study for years. Apperently ADHD is awful low in DPLA, which bad farming is depleting the food source of.
Yes, I can only imagine how that might feel. Struggling with these issues yourself while realizing it's making life harder for those you love. The thing is, it doesn't necessarily have to be like that. My mission is all about elevating lives, helping everyone to live higher-functioning, healthier, and happier lives.
I am 31 and married and have 2 young kids and just self diagnosed with ADHD folled by seeing medical professionals for help and given medication 2 weeks ago and my wife literally texts me while at work saying she didn't feel loved and is no longer in love and asked if we should get a divorce. I have also been medically diagnosed with depression and anxiety so I'm literally driving myself to tears while at work while my mind explodes with fragmented thoughts. These are the times when I wish we we're simply in a simulation and you could hit the reset button or end the game. Almost every moment is starting to feel like cruel and unusual punishment and is like living in a thunderstorm only you can see.
Dear Dustin, That's a good way to put it. A rest button. The good news is, you now have an explanation and have started with treatment strategies. The bad news is, the ADHD diagnosis often only comes as one's life is falling apart, when everyone is hanging onto love and goodwill by a thread. You have two young children. It behooves you both to double-down on education and treatment strategies. Two weeks is not a long time -- to get accustomed to the diagnosis, to begin processing one's life through the ADHD lens, to dial in medication. I encourage you and your wife -- or even just you -- to check out my online training. I designed it to get you up to speed quickly. This is what therapy for ADHD looks like, individual or couple, but is almost impossible to find. Hang in there. LIfe will get better. g
My ex who has ADHD was always able to control her anger & frustration with her housemates or work colleagues but never so much with me & never could understand it? Why is this?
Hi there, I can only speculate as to one common reason. That is, the ADHD Partner might put a lot of effort and energy into acting "normal" with others. At the end of the day, it's hard to keep it up if ADHD is not being poorly managed. Most of us feel that home is where "we can let our hair hang down." We might also feel that we can be more "ourselves" with our intimate partner. The person with ADHD might not realize how their poorly managed symptoms, including anger, are negatively affecting their prtner - or what they can do about it. This is especially true sometimes if the person is 'treating" their ADHD by taking Adderall during the day and crashing at the end of the day. With no medication in effect during the time of interaction with the partner.
@@GinaPeraADHDRollerCoaster I did find it hard to sometimes forget that she has ADHD and would tell her she's too sensitive which only made things worse. We are no longer together but I would like to work things out and need more advice about being in a relationship with someone who has ADHD. Thank you for your reply 💪🏽🧠
@@djskinz You're welcome. And it's probably fair to say you shouldn't blame yourself too much. You didn't know what you were up against, most likely. And, most likely, neither did she. I honestly believe that everyone can benefit from learning about Adult ADHD, especially as it can affect relationships. Especially those who are dating. ADHD is highly variable, so knowing one person with ADHD won't necessarily mean we can recognize it the next time. It can also be helpful in the workplace....all kinds of situations. Just FYI - my courses are currently in an Early Black Friday sale - 50% off. Just use the code: BLACKFRIDAY Course 1 is the foundational program. ginapera.adhdsuccesstraining.com/solvingyouradultadhdpuzzle Course 2 covers the physical aspects of ADHD - the neurobiology, the sleep challenges, other health issues, medication, etc. ginapera.adhdsuccesstraining.com/course-2-physical-strategies
I wish the slideshow was visible on these videos. It seems like you had great visuals to share with your live audience, but now your UA-cam audience is missing out. : (
Hi Posh, That presentation was at a professional conference. I had paid copyright to use certain cartoons in that context. The videographers had instructions not to include the copyrighted cartoons. Because I respect hard-working folks' copyrighted work. :-) But you're in luck. I'm about to launch comprehensive training, full of clever videos where you can see content. From the comfort of your own device! You can get more details on the content by reading my first book, last chapter. amzn.to/345T23Y
Hi Kitty, to each his own. I can assure you, though: People with ADHD are not clones. In fact, I know many people who gotten a divorce because their ADHD partner's behaviors were, in the end, impossible tolerate. But then, they meet someone new, and that person also has ADHD. But is an entirely different person. And it often works out.
It’s impossible to watch this when there are comments to read. I’m probably going to have to watch this 4-6 times to get it. Maybe cut this up in two minute sessions for us adhd heads?
With human relationships, anything can happen. :-) If your partner's ADHD-related challenges mean "self-medicating" with romantic/sexual partners and moving on when the novel has faded, well, yes, that is a possibility. Does this mean you are "less interesting" or that your partner has only a superficial perspective on relationships? Only you can say. Low self-esteem, however, can lead to your taking this personally. And that's not healthy for you. Good luck sorting this out.
As a counselor training to specialize in ADHD, who also has ADHD, I can I assure you modern therapy with a licensed clinician is not shallow or useless “psychobabble”. Cute description though. 😅
Well, some is and some is not. :-). But I mean specifically in the context of ADHD, which requires special skills. This is not just my little opinion. This is an overwhelmingly common experience among the thousands of adults with AHDD and their partners that I've known over the years. A huge "n". There is some better acknowledgement now, but that mostly comes in recognizing ADHD, not in providing evidence-based treatment.
It's not useless, but unless your therapist is highly educated on ADHD, it's not worth the high cost. Yes it's good to have someone to talk to, but you don't get much out of it if the person isn't specialized in ADHD.
I feel like I have adhd and it maybe it’s causing issues? How can I bring this up to a psychiatrist without seeming like I’m self diagnosing? I feel as if they just automatically assume I’m wrong because I have no experience. ALSO, could adhd be Comorbid with ocd ?
Hi Cameron, You're smart to be cautious. The sad truth is that most mental health professionals are not trained in ADHD during their schooling-and don't seek training after. Some even harbor such skepticism that they will view a client's request for an evaluation as being "drug-seeking" behavior. Here's my suggestion: 1. Learn as much as you can about ADHD, from reliable sources. 2. Get validation for what you perceive as ADHD-related challenges (via some type of support or discussion group, including online) 3. Think back to your childhood and write some bullet points about how ADHD appeared in your life (and in your family's life....given the high genetic factor) 4. Read the diagnostic criteria (I link to it in the post below) and make a list of examples of how that symptom interferes with your ability to function as you would like in life. In other words, do your homework. Have DATA. But keep those bullet points short -- because few docs want to read long essays. :-) re: ADHD and OCD That's a tricky one. Sometimes people with ADHD will develop very rigid routines in order to manage ADHD symptoms (unrecognized as such or not). Those can "look like" OCD. The way that is teased out? Review the diagnostic criteria for OCD. See if you relate more to that than to ADHD. It's possible to have both. And the way that is approached is to first treat the condition that seems to predominate more. Then see what's left. I hope this helps. I absolutely encourage you to learn more. If you have ADHD+, you deserve to have it acknowledged and pursue treatment. adhdrollercoaster.org/the-basics-about-adult-adhd/the-adult-adhd-diagnosis-how-is-it-made/
Sorry I missed your comment, Ben! Maybe you don't have ADHD. But maybe the clinician you consulted doesn't know how to evaluate for ADHD. It happens more than you want to know. g
My boyfriend has it not that he told me but he fits in 100% of all symptoms so the only issue as a new relationship last say is that he has been distant sometimes. He forgets most of the things and is always always busy hard to make him have time for us. 😩 I don’t know how to deal and if our relationship goes further. I really like him but seems that it is so hard for adhd partners. Is like a bad life ahead. Is any good in it? Also smts i feel like he can’t show much feelings I don’t even know if he likes me he never say a thing even when i try show him some.
Hi Terena, Your concerns are understandable. I need to emphasize: People with ADHD are not clones. :-) ADHD is a highly variable syndrome. And it affects individuals, who have many other aspects to their personality. You have to ask yourself if you can live with his problematic behaviors if nothing changes. How might they affect YOUR health, YOUR financial security, YOUR happiness? If you say your boyfriend has 100% of the symptoms but he hasn't told you have a diagnosis, that might mean: 1. He has been diagnosed and isn't telling you, perhaps for fear of scaring you off. 2. He's oblivious of his symptoms or thinks "that's just the way I am; take it or leave it) If you are going to stay in the relationship, you do need to think about your future if the "100%" of his symptoms continue to go unaddressed. They do not bode well for his own future or yours. I encourage you to read my first book to learn more. amzn.to/2KtnDhy good luck and do take care of yourself. g
ADHD Success Training - With Gina Pera thanks for reply yeah i will check your book for sure. He is not only his disorder he is a nice guy and treat me nicely. But didn’t meantion with me yet at least about it but he had some kind of talks that he said about his behavior when children and his difficulties of learning in school etc... but that was all he has many problems with money, is always busy always, forget things that even he said. Had problems with car speed many times in the pass. I just wanted to know more how to deal with it all. Thanks for your response:)
@@Terenablakely - Definitely read my book. It will help you understand what he is up against -- and how he might not even realize that his life can be better, or how to make that happen.
Hi Sergio, I would love to have the book translated into Portuguese -- and every other language. There are already Spanish and Turkish translations. I donated the copyright to ADHD charities in those countries. It's a BIG book and therefore a BIG job. I wonder if you'd like to start with translating some blog posts? A psychiatrist in Spain did that years ago and they were well-received. ADHDrollercoaster.org best g
@@GinaPeraADHDRollerCoaster oh. Thank you so much for your answer. I'll work on it. Your work is very important... and it would be an honor for me to be part of it and to be helping other people.
My Girlfriend thinks just cuz she has diabetes and it gives her mood swings on her "lows" it doesn't matter i have to deal with aggressive moods just cuz she can die from diabetes...
Hi Luther, Wow, it doesn't seem that her diabetes is very well managed. ADHD is associated with higher risk of diabetes -- and if ADHD is not well-managed, that affects how well a person can manage their diabetes. So, I wonder if that could also be a factor in her mood swings.
getting a lil pissed off at trying to find info on ADHD and only finding videos on "how to deal with a person who HAS ADHD" all old and outdated videos and NOTHING for the actual person who HAS it. i got diagnosed after 38 years. got told by doctor to "go look up some things online" thnx doc but theres FUCK ALL out there for me. only OTHER PEOPLE. might as well step in front of a train if this is how the UK helps people.
Hi there, Sorry but that's not what this lecture series is about. If you cannot spend a few minutes learning about the potential effect of ADHD on loved ones, you can skip ahead to the sections detailing strategies. There IS plenty of information online. The trouble is, some of its great and some of its horrible -- and when you're new to the topic, it's hard to know which is which. I'm sorry that you are right: The UK treats adults with ADHD abysmally. ABYSMALLY. Most times, it's misdiagnosed as depression, anxiety, learning disorder, etc. There is definitely an economic incentive for the government to deny treatment to adults with ADHD. And it is perpetuated by the media and citizens. Your doctor needs to be taken behind the wood shed. Perhaps you can find some backup within these NICE guidelines, so you can self-advocate within the system. www.nice.org.uk/guidance/NG87 Good luck, Gina
I hope you did not step in front of a train. My friend's son in the UK did that several years ago, and his entire family and village mourns him. adhdrollercoaster.org/finding-support/a-memorial-to-sean-bone/ I, it is very true some folks with ADHD have emotional dysregulation issues. Dealing with ADHD without support from your health system or anyone else is onerous, at best. Truly, I cannot imagine how angry I'd be. I'm angry for people with ADHD, though. In fact, I just got chewed out by a UK-based company/support group that posts a lot about "ADHD super powers" and such. The problem is, the UK is a very horrible place when it comes to finding diagnosis and treatment for Adult ADHD. Seems to me we should be careful with the "super power" thing if we're trying to convince government bean counters that ADHD can be highly impairing and deserves consideration. And I said as much. So, chewed out. Please understand, though, these videos are not about "dealing with the person who has ADHD." These videos and the rest of my work are about understanding ADHD, in oneself or a loved one, and taking pro-active strategies to live a happier, healthier, and higher-functioning life. I hope you get the help you deserve. I am sorry it's so hard. g
Hello I'm adhd to and in the UK and mental health here is very bad , I can help you with some information about our condition, you need to understand yourself and how adhd effects you. Please don't do anything to hurt yr self , we are out there if you need help , stay strong
If you read my book (first edition in 2008), you'll see that I explain that. ADHD requires strategies that support Executive Functions, so that neither partner is the "parent" or "child."
Hi there, The trouble is, NPD is a description of behaviors, with no consideration of or examination of cause. This is true with most of the DSM's personality disorders. They are descriptive only. And, most often, the prognosis is poor. But for decades ADHD has been misdiagnosed as various personality disorders, depending on how ADHD symptoms manifest in the person. Any neurcognitive impairment that limits higher-order brain processes such as empathy, conscience, reciprocity creates a fertile foundation for "narcissism". Narcissism is a very hot keyword now. All kinds of grandstanding psychologists, etc. are using it as a very effective keyword to increase traffic. It's open season on "narcissists" - the only psychiatric diagnosis that apparently we are allowed to demonize. Narcissistic behavior is nothing to be applauded. It can be seriously destructive to that person and anyone in their orbit. The important thing to understand, though, is when it might be treatable. As with ADHD. It often is. I hope that clarifies.
Not gonna lie, as a young women in her late 20's learning how to cope w/ my symptoms, your comment sections and videos have made me feel the most unloved, unfixable, and hopeless of all the content I've seen. It's demeaning, resentful, discouraging, and I get more of an impression that an individual w/ adhd in your community is going to be treated as a laughing stock for a joke. I hope this "helps" some people going through these relationship challenges and their self awareness w/ their own adhd, but there is far more better content out there that is as informative as it its empathic and approachable.
I'm sorry that's your reaction. But I do not agree with your assessment. Neither do the majority of the comments. Read them. ADHD can often leave folks feeling as if they have a target on their back. Especially when going long undiagnosed. I understand that and have written compassionately about it for many years and in many outlets. Whether you realize that or not. I know...it is very easy to get one's head turned around on today's "ADHD Internet." Many messages seem designed to "pump up" the egos of people with ADHD and disparage "neurotypicals." I have been providing free support to adults with ADHD and their loved ones for 20 years. You know nothing of that community but you still attack me based on your limited understanding and perhaps what you want to believe. Moreover, in all these years never have I accepted pharmaceutical industry support. We can't say that of many of the "faces of ADHD" online or people calling themselves experts when they are only marketers -of themselves. They specialize in telling people what they want to hear - and shoveling up narcissistic supply. Sometimes, one must be a little older or at least more mature to accept and understand truly problematic ADHD issues without "shooting the messenger." Perhaps you missed it....this presentation is from 2008. When almost no one else was talking about Adult ADHD, much less in relationships. I focused on one aspect of relationship issues: the ten hot spots. They will happily tell you, as a person with ADHD, that a partner who has concerns about your behavior is "gaslighting you" or is "narcissistic." They should "accept you as you are!" Denying, deflecting, and pandering is always easier than telling hard truths. What's missing in the pandering? Honest information and guidance proven to help people with ADHD and their loved ones to live happier, healthier, and even longer lives. Sometimes what seems "empathic" is really blowing smoke up skirts, an easy message that sells. In other words, deceitful manipulation. If that helps you, the good news is you'll find plenty of it online. good luck Gina
How kind of you to make that comment. On a free video. Perhaps your delicate auditory processing would be improved with medication. Perhaps you might also develop a degree of empathy. FYI - I don't even wear dentures.
@@poederruiker5757 Thank you. I am a real person, you know. A person who has devoted 20 years to ADHD advocacy, most of it unpaid. I explained several times that I had a bad cold and the heating was on full-blast in that room. I did my best.
@@GinaPeraADHDRollerCoaster Oh I didn't realise, did a quick flick of the scroll to see if anyone mentioned but didn't saw anything. I 100% appreciate your effort and had I known you were hearing this repeatedly I would've kept it to myself. Cheers! (no pun intended)
You can tell you’ve been married for a long time and you like to be heard.. I promise you it’s not all your husband and his ADHD to blame for all your marital problems lady.. I feel bad for him and the heaviness he must carry with all the guilt you place on him for being an imperfect human. Your blessed to have him bc most would have left 💯
Your comment is so irrational and hateful, lacking all comprehension of my message, I'll let it stand as representative of people who refuse to get it. Including but not limited to some people with ADHD.
Damn lady- I listened to part 1 and was interested enough to tune into part 2. BUT, your kinda scapegoating your relationship problems and relationships in general to ADHD....no? Good for you for being so much bigger then those of us with this "deficit". Ever think you'r "mono-track" mind people can't keep up with us? Wait, I'm sorry- I must be getting defensive over my behavior... that's that denial. I'm so sorry you have been victimized by our disease... you poor thing. If we could all just be more like normal people- the world would be such a better place. Guess your ignorance is got me in that ADHD "denial". This was lpw key deflection... is it me?
Hi folks,
When I switched from a personal to a "branded" UA-cam channel, all my responses to these comments were lost. I do try to respond to each one.
Thanks,
Gina
All seriousness I wish more people would understand emotional part is so hard beating yourself up alot for for the impulsive choices you made they didn't understand this in I was in school
Yes, Roger, that and more....
Thank you for sharing all your knowledge & experience regarding adult AD/HD.... This information & your presentation of it I felt in my heart. Gracie Benne ❣️💝. I’m hoping my family will see this to help them understand what I’ve been living with, all my life. ❤️
I missed spellcheck... Grazie Benne ❣️💝
@@sheilaherrenbruck3371 Prego!!! Thank you for letting me know this video was helpful to you.
Keep getting validated.
ADHD can be a very difficult subject to teach...especially when people already have poorly conceived ideas about it. Bit by bit...... take care
This poor lady! Some great humor that nobody seemed to appreciate!
HAHAH! Thank you, Mary!😂
Agreed! Where's the laughter??!
Wow, this explains so much! I broke up with my then undiagnosed adhd partner over a year ago and am slowly realizing that my depression and burnout did not only come from my demanding job at the time. I was drained over years by being the one who had to manage and remember everything. When I spoke up, I was told off for nagging and I heard the phrase "if it stresses you that things don't get done, why don't you just do them yourself" a lot! Honestly, if a date nowadays would tell me they have adhd, I would run. I know it is not their fault, but I got to the absolute lowest point in my whole life, because of being with a person who did not take accountability for anything at all and the mental load became so much that I even had suicidal thoughts at the end.
I'm glad you have found validation here. It's so important. When we don't understand what's doing on, we tend to come up with all kinds of other WRONG answers - and they can definitely make a bad situation worse.
If you're dating now, I would encourage you to read my first book. You don't want to wait for someone to tell you they have ADHD - because they might not know themselves! That is all too common.
For example, they might be misdiagnosed with depression/anxiety, for example, and being prescribed medication that actually intensifies ADHD symptoms. Or they might have other explanations-ones they've been given all their lives- that still don't land on the target: ADHD.
Knowledge is power, for you in understanding behavior. And it's powerful for adults with ADHD who are diagnosed and have taken better control of their lives.
Take care of yourself!
Gina
amzn.to/3Xoc9TH
I feel you. I've dated someone with adhd and for two years I've been my absolute worst. I was wondering I was a narcissist because I was angry all the time. My ex would provoke me and make fun of me for being a moody bitch. He'd say I was especially scary right before my period and that I would make impulsive decisions (like when I wanted to break up). I felt so low I would even consider taking an anti depressant. During one huge fight I even pushed my ex because he wouldn't let me go. I felt like a monster.
Never ever again. I'm unstable enough as it is and I guess someone with adhs needs a very stable partner.
I'm so sad I lost two years of my life and most possible the chance to build a family.
Girl, same, I have so much empathy for you * hugs * 🥲
Wow, that is my marriage as well. My wife has untreated ADHD. We're both 40, have 2 boys and have been married for 12 years.
I've desperately wanted out multiple times. Just a couple weeks ago I was extremely low & despairing, feeling like we were on a knife's edge of separation. I've been deeply concerned for our boys at times. I did not realize the fullness of her ADHD when we first met. (Actually I'm not sure I realized she even had it at all!) Sadly, the ADHD behaviors are compounded, multiplied and amplified 100 times over by her semi-traumatic & abusive childhood. Learning how to cope has been demoralizing and compromising for me.
Alas, we are professing Christians and have experienced abundant grace/mercy. Neither of us have been unfaithful toward the other. We committed to love, honor & cherish each other 'til death do we part. As I write this, positive things are happening that suggest change & improvement. At the same time, my heart is sooooo fearfully guarded.
Thankful for encouraging videos and comments like these!
One thing to keep in mind, is this person with adhd had probably been told their entite life, literally reminded every single day how much of s failure they are. Especially if undiagnosed until adulthood. Lazy, selfish, inconsiderate, not living up to his or her full potential, immature, weird, etc etc. constantly being reminded of how far behind your peers are. The low self esteem is almost forever embedded into your soul.
Time blindness means an hour to you is really 3 hours. You cant focus on anything to save your life, unless its your current hyperfocus in which you put all your mental power into, until your brain says "ok, not interested in that anymore" snd now its on to the next shiny thing.
Try reading a page over and over, each time reaching the end only to realize you comprehended absolutely nothing. You actually study, work hard to prove you are smart, only to forget half of the information on test day, and fail the test. This happens throughout your school years.
Your whole life is constantly letting people down. Trying your hardest to gain respect, just wanting to make people proud, but it never works. Your mind never stops, constant thoughts that you cant control. You dont sleep well because your brain does not shut off. Its maddening. As time goes on, majority of those constant thoughts are negative thoughts about yourself, your screw ups and potential screw ups. Constant anxiety of something you were supposed to do, something you dont even know you screwed up, just a constant feeling of doom.
Hi Kyle, I agree with you 1,000 percent. I don't talk about that in this particular lecture - which had a very tight focus.
BUT I have described the phenomenon for 25 years in my presentations, books, and online training - the pile-up of unrecognized symptoms, misinterpretations, poor coping responses. I call it the ADHD Triple Whammy Roller Coaster.
The other partner (or parent, sibling, etc.) has their own version of the Triple Whammy. When they are both sitting in the same roller coaster cart? Double Triple Whammy! 🙂
I focus intensively on breaking down this phenomenon in its components and revising misinterpretations and distorted mindsets, etc. All the way around.
It's the failure to understand this pile-up that medication often "doesn't work." That's because the medication is treating only the first loop-de-loop on the ADHD Roller Coaster - Symptoms. Moreover, medication is often prescribed badly.
We can't even target treatment goals until we know what we're targeting -- and the evidence-based methods for healing the counter-productive patterns.
And I DO believe that most folks with ADHD can heal not only their poor self-esteem but their sense of self. I've worked very hard to help folks do just that. And it's very frustrating seeing that so few get the help they deserve.
Thanks for your comment. My best to you.
Gina
This is me, and now my husband is divorcing me, im literally living and breathing for my husband and children but im not a god enough wife because of my adhd, he can not stand me and there is no meds that can manage this. But my issue isn’t poorly managed adhd. Yes I have some things but I fight myself every day to be the best version on me. But some things I can not fight like forgetfulness.
If you have adhd and you made it to the second video, good job! Now quit reading comments and watch the video!
Good one 😅
HAHAHAHAHA DANG!
You got me 😭
I feel attacked!! LOL!! You caught me! 😅😭
Pshhhh
Thanks for sharing this. I've experienced everything you've described, to a really specific degree. I have never been angry until recently and slowly became depressed. Couples counseling helped but ultimately focused on giver her space to get stuff done, and for me to express my thoughts (both would have the opposite effects). I've been saying for years I don't know how to manage our dynamic or intense defensiveness. It's become clear most resources focus on the one with ADHD and rarely on the partner. I never knew what were reasonable expectations and that ate away at myself for years.
We broke up recently after 8 years and I have a lot of guilt to process. I wish we could make it but it became just too much, and I didn't want kids to get involved. Thanks for sharing your knowledge.
You're welcome. I'm glad you found this presentation from 2009. :-). Still holds!
Unfortunately, the wrong kind of therapy can make things worse, as you discovered. And as I warn in my 2008 book, You would probably find important validation in that book. Also, I have the only discussion group for men with female ADHD Partners. While many issues are the same across genders, things can be different for men. For example, some therapists will see the male partner as "controlling" and "dominating", trying to squelch the fun out of their happy-go-lucky female partners. It can do a number on you.
You're welcome to check out the group. There's an e-mail/web community and we also have a monthly Zoom group. I bet just a few meetings would help you process some of that burden. ginapera.adhdsuccesstraining.com/solutions
take care
My current 10 year relationship started partly because of how warm, kind and intelligent my then-undiagnosed-ADHD partner found me to be. In-between then and now there have been three kids, years of depression and loneliness on my part, years of intense trying on his part (but misguided trying) and an only recent bombshell of realizing that it's ADHD. In the meantime, I've gone through every diagnosis under the sun both for him and for me, with none fitting until now.
I now find myself to be very easily irritable and angry at the slightest provocation (I was always very calm before this relationship and I don't recognise myself any more) and he spends every fight telling me what an uncaring, cold person I am and how, if it wasn't for him, we would be divorced long ago because of my attitude.
@@GenieD-lj4yc Unfortunately, that is a familiar pattern. What will you do about it? You have options. ❤
@GinaPeraADHDRollerCoaster I am going to keep trying for a while longer, now hopefully using approaches more likely to succeed.
My ADHD partner still believes that the main issue in our life is my attitude and we only have problems when he sees it and reacts to it. I have spent many fruitless hours in the past thinking that, if I can calmly explain why I felt angry/irritated/upset about something that he'll understand my point of view. These conversations inevitably ended with him getting defensive and upset and got us nowhere towards a more common ground. Knowing that I was making textbook errors (talking to him at the end of a day in a dark, quiet room thinking that would be a good environment 😆) really helps me.
Since recognising ADHD I can finally, little by little, separate the behavior of the man himself from the disease, which is 1) helping heal some of my wounds of the last few years and 2) going to hopefully give me better approaches toward problem solving, ones that actually have a chance to be successful.
And, if he ends up accepting that it will be work for both of us (not just me), then maybe I'll be able to get to a well-managed-ADHD version of the man I fell in love with. (Funnily enough, I think it was the positive aspects of the ADHD which contributed to me liking him in the first place! 😆)
@@GenieD-lj4yc good luck! I encourage you to read my first book. amzn.to/3WeOFQx
Very informative. So true. I literally started crying after watching this. I recently found out that my wife has ADHD. Everything in this video is so true. I tried and tried and I am still trying to make my marriage work but it just doesn’t get anywhere. It’s a living hell. But I’m a Nurse and i love my wife so I am learning to cope with it now. I know I’m not the only one after watching this video.
Hi there,
Knowledge is power. You can use this knowledge to elevate your relationship and your life -- your wife's life, too.
I encourage you to read my first book. It explains all that you need to know, including how to get through "denial".
The main thing to understand: ADHD symptoms can impair accurate self-observation. They can also make it difficult to pursue evaluation and treatment.
This typically is a team effort. You will be ahead of the game given that you are a nurse.
Here it is: amzn.to/3keufkw
Good luck and stay tuned. I'll be launching a training course soon.
Gina
My wife is dealing with me. I just came to grips I have it. One thing I find helpful is the treat add at home in 30 days by dr Amen.
@@Neeko_Z HI Neeko, Dr. Amen is a very smart psychiatrist. I hope you are finding benefit.
One thing: I'm not sure how he approaches the topic of medication in that training. But, for many people with ADHD, it's a game-changer.
Is it easy to get right? Is it easy to find competent prescribers? Unfortunately, no.
That's why I included a "consumer guide" chapter to optimizing medication in my first book. We must self-educate and self-advocate. We cannot be passive.
amzn.to/2X159eY
It'd be great if you and your wife could work as a team on this -- not to "babysit" you. But to be a support, to provide feedback on how well/poorly the medication is working, and to shares notes on the prescriber's approach.
good luck!
g
My life has been hell to!its like she's a narcissist..my stress has hospitalized me and put on meds like xanax
@@amersonfamily2395 @Amerson Family Ach, I feel for you. The public (and even most mental-health professionals) simply do not have a clue.
"Narcissism" is a descriptive term. It doesn't explain what else might be going on beneath.
For some people with ADHD, symptoms impair empathy and/or empathic expression/actions. The behavior can be very much self-centered and even "narcissistic."
Treatment helps many tap into their given capacity for empathy. That is higher for some than for others.
take care of yourself! Know what you are up against.
Thanks so much for the videos, it’s helpful to have a qualified person express how difficult it can be for those who live with the ADHD sufferer. Everything out there online tends to focus on the person with ADHD themselves and fails to offer guidance or validation to the people they live with. My partner was diagnosed one year ago at age 50 and the last year has been a living hell for me.
We have been together for almost 30 years but only in the last year has there been a major shift in his daily routine with no longer working outside the home with a regular schedule. Now that the rug has been pulled out from under him our lives have descended into chaos. He has always had a dominant personality and the added irritability, inability to deal with noise, need to control, need to correct me all the time, etc has left me unable to be myself in my own home. I keep modifying my behaviour to fit in around his condition to the point where I feel so anxious all the time and am utterly exhausted. It’s like walking on eggshells and it’s sad that this condition doesn’t just wreck the lives of the people suffering but also those around them with little to no support structures in place for the people living around the ‘sufferer’.
On top of that he refuses to take medication so instead everyone around him has to find ways to deal with it. Not sure how much longer I can actually do that. Will look further into your website adhdrollercoaster. Just discovered these videos by chance today. Thank you.
Hi Red, I am well aware of the phenomenon and find it disgraceful. It's part of a well-funded commercial effort to "be positive" about Adult ADHD. No place for the "partners of" to express their hardships.
Well, I make that place. In my support group, adhdpartnerwithginapera.groups.io/g/main And in my courses. "Thriving with ADHD" in a relationship requires teamwork and honesty.
It might be that your husband's "refusal" of medication is more of a defensive wall than any considered opinion. There can be so much emotional charge around it.
Once you get educated and validated, it can become sometimes easier to "reach through the denial."
take care of yourself.....life typically does not have to be that hard.
g
@@GinaPeraADHDRollerCoaster
Thank you so much for the wise advice, it is greatly appreciated. I will most certainly check out the support group, I think it’s exactly what I need. Your website is fantastic, will be reading one of your books too. So glad I discovered the amazing work you do.
@@Redhead5474 I'm glad you found me, too! take care
WOW! I had no idea that my husband ADHD is probably the cause of most of our issues. Is being upset selectively about messes also part of this? My husband will get angry if the cat spilled some wet food on the ground (which he steps in and now is my fault for not picking up) but his piles and messes are not seen or dealt with?
Edit: Another thing. They want praise for things that are just part of being a normal adult? lol
Yes, it's possible. "Selectively upset about messes (others) while apparently not seeing their own."
Remember, ADHD is highly variable. But there are some common patterns.
"They want praise for things that are just part of being a normal adult?"
The truth is, some of the simplest things ARE harder for adults with ADHD. Yet, these same adults might be quite competent in other areas.
It doesn't make sense...until we get educated.
Just FYI - my 50% off annual sale (of my courses) ends Nov. 14, midnight.
Click here, make your selections (Course 1, Course 2) and the discount is automatically included when you click on that product to check out the description page
ginapera.adhdsuccesstraining.com/?coupon=BLACKFRIDAY
No, that last part is a man thing 😂
@@SpiralMystic lol That's funny.
Thank you so much for this. I just recently got diagnosed (I'm 36) and just came across this video. I encouraged my wife of 14 years to watch it and it triggered a long overdue discussion last night. She has been carrying a lot of emotional weight over the years that I hadn't really recognized. This diagnosis has helped make sense of so many things and I feel like we've been given a new start in a way.
A new start indeed! Congratulations! And thanks for letting me know that this video helped you.
There's a lot more solid information in my book, to help both of you learn new strategies, new explanations, etc.
amzn.to/3iDWckd
This is my life your describing. My husband of 19 years has add. It's hell.
I hear you. But life doesn't have to remain that way. There are explanations, answers, strategies, treatments. Stay tuned for the online training I will launch within weeks. For both of you. take care!
I am in couple's therapy with my long-term boyfriend, and our therapist continues to primarily focus on my trauma and sensitivity, and we have only mildly touched upon his obvious ADHD symptoms. Our therapist also has ADHD. I don't know how to shift the conversation so that we spend some time acknowledging and discussing his part in the relationship.
Also, what you said about turning into a controlling person is so true. I never felt like I had to create such clear boundaries in other relationships and there is a childlike defiance with my boyfriend.
Lee Anne,
I know this territory extremely well. This is my couple-therapy clinical guide.
adhdfocusedcoupletherapy.com/co-authors-gina-pera-and-arthur-l-robin/
I would encourage you to step back for a minute. Your boyfriend has "obvious ADHD symptoms." The therapist allegedly has ADHD and is doing nothing but focusing on your "trauma and sensitivity."
In my experience, this is not going to get better.
Your boyfriend might lack insight to his behaviors (also called "denial", three chapters on that in my first book, Is It You, Me, or Adult ADHD). She might be, too.
There are many charlatans (some of them with mental health licenses) who promote this idea of ADHD giftedness and the rest of the world being talentless muggles who should bask in the light of their genius. 🙂
This is narcissism, and it is dangerous.
Read my first book. It's an eye-opener, and it's endorsed by many preeminent ADHD experts. It's THE book on this topic.
Neither of these people, it seems, can even see you or the situation you're in. That's going to be up to you alone, unfortunately. But my book will really help.
take care of yourself!
Gina
So glad I came across your channel! My husband has ADHD and I have really bad anxiety and PMDD... we fight so much to where I feel that we are just better of without each other. Will definitely finish watching this whole series and other videos on your channel!
Hi Ellen, I'm glad you found my channel, too! The fighting....when ADHD goes poorly managed...can just be over the top. Constant. Over small things and big things.
Much of it is based on misperceiving what is happening. Some of it can happen due to self-conscious efforts to "gin up" stimulation and focus.
adhdrollercoaster.org/adhd-and-relationships/adhd-relationship-arguments-conflict-self-medication/
I cover it all in my new course. Proper education and treatment can turn things around for many (but not all) couples.
adhdsuccesstraining.com/solving-your-adult-adhd-puzzle-for-couples-and-individuals/
take care of yourself!
g
This is one of the very few videos that are on point for adult adhd...most are just about time management and attention. But it's SO MUCH MORE....those little things I can accept and appreciate. It's the chaos, the nastiness , and the fighting and arguing that I can not do much longer. He knows he's got adhd and never had symptoms for well over 9 years bc we lived a healthy lifestyle (gym working out daily, eating healthy, and sleeping and a work routine) covid 19 closed gyms for over a year and then lost his job then I lost mine so wow!!!! He's a different person.... I'm lost and don't know what to do. I've tried about everything except walking away. I love him dearly but, I love myself more...I'm breaking down mentally and physically. It's just too much!💔
Thanks, Jennifer. I'm glad you find these videos useful.
If you like these, you will probably like the rest of my work, too, including my new online course.
adhdrollercoaster.org/about-author-gina-pera/
He probably "never had symptoms" over those 9 years because you were creating the structure for him.
The trouble is, trying to mange INTERNAL ADHD symptoms with EXTERNAL solutions often only goes so far.
Moreover, as you found out, changes can pull the rug out from under you. Lost job. Lost anchors for the day. COVID loss of gyms, etc. Stress. The external support breaks down, and so does the functioning.
If you decide to try salvaging the relationship, it behooves you both to double-down on ADHD education and evidence-based strategies. Including, for many people with ADHD, medication. I know it sounds strange, but medication can help the person to live a healthier life, keep better habits, because the brain is more "organized".
take care of yourself!
g
I have been married to someone with ADHD for 21 years due to emotional stress Dr said I now have chronic pain/fibromyalgia which I am dealing with now. I am frankly exhausted in so many ways, it’s hard to live with and be married to someone with ADHD.
Hi Sonia,
The stress can be over-the-top. The public (and even a big chunk of the mental health profession) truly has no clue.
I wrote about the potential physical health effects from living with a partner who has poorly managed ADHD.
You will find validation and guidance in my book.
amzn.to/3udOvKw
And you might be able to, after what you read has settled in your mind, convince him to work with you on better ADHD management strategies, including perhaps medication.
Best of luck to you.
Gina
Yes, you are right they really don’t. Thank you for your video it really helped me understand that it all wasn’t just in my head.
@@soniavasquez1081 Not in your head! ;-)
I am a 34 year old veteran. I have been in the V.A. "mental health" program for 11 years. I have been misdiagnosed with bipolar, Borderline Personality Disorder, and many others. I am just recently understanding that I have ADHD and learning to overcome on my own. I am lucky that I have met a woman willing to work through it with me who also has ADHD.
Hi James,
I’m sorry that happened to you. Unfortunately, the VA has a poor reputation when it comes to ADHD.
Some people might think this is a minor thing. But no, it is enormous.
Especially when ADHD mistaken for bipolar, personality disorders, etc. - and treated with medications that can just make everything worse.
I know the VA has its good points. But I use as a litmus test for a health system how well it recognizes and treats ADHD.
I’m glad you found someone to work with you now. Fortunately, there is a wealth of solid information these days - unlike when I started!
Thanks for visiting and stay tuned for the online training I will launch soon!
I was so stressed ..I ended the relationships..I felt like a tornadoe with through me..Afterwards I thought about what happened and started watching these videos.. I really think this 60 year old has never been diagnosed..He went right into another relationship..I'm too old to go through this..I pray he finds someone that loves him enough to stay with him and gets help..to address these issues..
I bet it's a bit comforting, though, to perhaps make better sense of your experience.
Our last therapist recommended me to just do it all to prevent disappointment. Sure. Because I can do everything for a family of 4 while working full time with a chronic illness
Yeah, well, that's helpful. NOT.
This is what happens when we seek ADHD expertise from therapists who don't have it.
We risk a lot.
@@GinaPeraADHDRollerCoaster This specific therapist said she had experience with ADHD and her own child has it. I was in nursing school then with two littles and struggling to study because he either couldn't or wouldn't help. Then he would do passive aggressive things to get back at me when I told him when or where he messed up or where I needed more help from him. I'm so tired
@@sugarbeesour8654 I understand your fatigue. Absolutely. So do many others in similar situations.
I also understand that you trusted that therapist to have the knowledge she claimed to have. But it sounds like she did not. And that is all too common.
Anyone can claim expertise. That can be based on skimming through one consumer book or it can be based on in-depth study. There is no way to substantiate this.
That's why I recommend that consumers get educated first, before they ever seek any kind of help for ADHD, from evaluation to medication. At least that way you can assess the skill level first.
It's also why I created the training. It's abysmal out there. So many people trying and failing because they don't get proper help.
g
@@sugarbeesour8654 - I hear you. And sorry if I came across as "you picked the wrong therapist." Not what I meant. I meant that many therapists and prescribers claim ADHD expertise but do not have it.
The thing is, telling your ADHD partner to help more or where he messed up....typically not a good long-term strategy. The best long-term strategy is maximizing sleep, medication, and collaborative strategies to get things done.
take care
g
@@GinaPeraADHDRollerCoaster and what do you do when they refuse medications and ask treatment? He refuses to get s job because he wants to finish his degree But refuses to take medications to focus to do his homework. He didn't apply to sub like he told me he would to supplement income. He didn't apply for voc rehab or any of the programs he was supposed to apply for to get free money for school (3 programs that would have paid for the semester and given him money back). We've been overdrawn 4 paychecks in a row now. His mood swing ruined our 10 year anniversary trip. His impulsiveness took him out of town for a last minute work thing on my birthday week and then he forgot to celebrate my birthday or call me that week because he was so busy. He blew money last fall and then took money out of his retirement to pay for Christmas. Then he griped me out for using the money for Christmas. He missed the deadline this spring again for the free college money. He will schedule an appointment to get medications and then mid the appointment. If he does go, he will change his mind and not take the meds. We've been having the exact same conversations weekly for years as if the ideas and the decisions are new. He refuses to get a side job because he doesn't know anyone in our city. At home, his mom and dad had connections for every single job he had. They've handed everything to him all his life and now he doesn't know what to do. It's exhausting. I've had it. I told him he had 3 weeks until the kids are out of school and he can take them to his moms for a week. He can either move in with them this summer and make his own phone and car payment or make some changes. He gaslights and blame me for his choices and the consequences of his actions. I am done.
having a breakdown at the moment due to my partner s adhd,am utterly exhausted ,so thanks for this video. helped a bit.
I'm so sorry. Take care of yourself. I offer many other resources, including a blog, books, and new online training, including Zoom meetings.
adhdrollercoaster.org/
The walking on eggshells thing. I could sigh because it was raining and he would take it as a personal attack, he would launch into this absolute RAGE at the perceived insult from me. And then he would be irritable for at least a week. I never knew what would set him off, and it was never consistent. What had previously never been an issue suddenly became one. I swear he sought out things to be mad about. He would poke and prod at me to get a reaction, and I would try to stay calm and controlled and not take his bait, but then he would get upset and sulk and claim I'm not "listening to him" and "ignoring him" and his "proof" that I don't listen is "I just insulted you for two hours and all you did was nod!" and I could never get him to actually consider how terrible it was that he admitted to purposefully calling me awful words (sometimes slurs!) and saying awful things about my worth... The big issue to him was that I didn't take it personally, and somehow that meant I didn't love him??? He made no sense.
I got off the ride and I've been told over and over by so many people that I was holding him to an "impossible" standard, that I was abusive for "expecting too much from a person w ADHD". I think it's perfectly fine to expect a partner, adhd or not, to not call their partner misogynistic and degrading slurs.
I refuse to be shamed for prioritizing my own mental health and leaving a relationship with someone w ADHD. Never again.
Wow, that's horrible. Where do those people get off? Did they live in your home, in your relationship?
NO ONE knows what happens in another person's relationship.
Good for you, for not taking to heart this nonsense.
The thing is, though, ADHD affects individuals, not clones. It's a very variable syndrome. Despite the stereotypical nonsense we see online.
re: "poke and prod" to get a reaction. I wrote about this in my first book and this popular blog post:
adhdrollercoaster.org/adhd-and-relationships/adhd-relationship-arguments-conflict-self-medication/
take care
g
That sounds like Narcissism, not add.
No amount of ADHD can make a person fundamentally vicious.
I needed this so badly. Your are literally telling our story - it's almost like you have been living in our home. My depression level has hit an all time high recently as my husband has recently told me that he feels like all my yelling and nagging was abusive and he doesn't think he can ever love me again due to the level of abuse he's faced. Thanks to you I now know it was a response to his ADHD characteristics and I just didn't know. He may not be able to change his mind, but now that I know I'm not completely to blame I am finally feeling like I'm not the worst person in the world. Thank you so much for explaining why I have been on eggshells and controlling and even physically ill during our marriage.
I'm so sorry that happened to you, as it does to countless others.
To make matters worse, some individuals and others with financial interests are promoting the idea that it's only people with ADHD who are abused by their partners -- that it doesn't come from the other direction, too.
The answer isn't blame in any direction. It's being honest and educating people on the full complexity of ADHD and how it might be playing out in their everyday lives. Then pointing folks to strategies for change.
"Denial" in some adults with ADHD can present a brick wall. And the online peddlers and unsavory marketers exploit the denial. It's shameful but it's happening.
What's important now, for you, is getting clear on what's happening so at least you can re-claim your sense of yourself.
I encourage you to read my first book for the comprehensive education. It's extremely validating even if you decide to leave the relationship. Take care of yourself!
amzn.to/3pOJBB2
Gina
Gosh. I love my person so much. I don't want him to suffer. He is so miserable with me. I love him so much. I just wish I was normal. He deserves someone normal. I think I am going to have to leave him for his sake. This sounds like hell. I just need to be alone. He deserves normal.
I've even thought this about my childraising...even now that she's a responsible adult. "It would be better, without me". I'm loved but get tired of feeling like a failure. The Lord is my hope and portion... and salvation from myself.
Please don't give up. He might not be aware that you truly love him. Some partners of ADHD people think this person can't possibly love us if they treat us this way, and lots of ADHD people don't know how to explain, which leads to a dead-end.
Some of the most accurate representation of the problems, actions and reactions explained. Thank you
Thank you, Jo! I'm happy to know that. Keep in mind...this was my first public presentation, in 2008. I've learned a lot more since then. :-)
Wow when you said the add person provokes to help with concentration because the hormones get flowing, that is EXACTLY how I feel.
I'm glad to have explained what might have been a mystery!
Of course, these folks aren't doing it on purpose. It's become an automatic survival habit, of sorts. I wrote about it in my first book -- and on my blog.
Since then, others have copied. But I wrote about it first. That and many other topics. 🙂
adhdrollercoaster.org/tag/self-medicating-with-conflict/
I misunderstood the provocative behaviour as narcissism and just left. Looks like I was wrong. 🙁
Life changing video for me
Thank you so much, Kayleigh.
Now it makes sense
Yes, I feel like I have three children instead of two. Oh my god! This is the first time I've ever heard an expert speak about how men are forced to deal or not deal with an ADHD spouse. The anger, depression, self loathing for marrying this woman, throwing things, eventually hitting a wall because they wear you out and blame you for getting upset about their behavior. It's more difficult when you have children and all they see or hear is Dad picking on poor Mom.
@@Steve-l6i1i hi Steve, wish you’d found me sooner! I’ve led groups for men with female ADHD Partners for many years. First locally, in Palo Alto, and then virtually. You are welcome to join us, nothing beats feeling seen, validates, and supported.
Until we have that, it can be hard to find our way clear.
ginapera.adhdsuccesstraining.com/ginaperacommunity
Take care.
It’s not worth it , the more I Learn the more I realize breaking up was the right choice for me. I was so unhappy with my ADD partner. I couldn’t depend on them especially in life or death situations or any real emergency.
Kudos for seeing the reality of your situation and taking care of yourself.
wow so your saying that its not worth it dating us like wtf that is horrible to say
@@graigjr9052 hi there.... I read it as Mike saying that the difficulties in his relationship made it not worth staying in the relationship. I don't think he was referring to all people with ADHD.
Thank you, Gina, for sharing this presentation.. I have a sister and partner who has ADHD. I love them both and try to be as patient as I can, whenever issues come up, but many times I just get so exhausted. Of course I’m trying to be a better partner but I’m glad that I’m at least not alone in my struggles, and if so many people before me have been successful at managing their relationships then mine can work too.
Hi Maria,
You are definitely not alone.
I know....we're seeing that bad advice a lot online lately. From people who are more marketers and self-promoters than ADHD experts.
Being patient is a great skill, when wisely applied.
But when your "being patient" is the only strategy, it's doomed to failure. To exhaustion. And to never helping your loved ones with ADHD ever get traction on their challenges.
Because proper help for Adult ADHD is so hard to find, I created this course. I encourage you to check it out, along with your sister and partner. This is what evidence-based therapy for Adult ADHD looks like....solid education, guidance in identifying how general ADHD symptoms are manifesting for the individual, and understanding the particular patterns of late-diagnosis ADHD.
This is not for the average therapist to sort out. Or even most of those claiming ADHD expertise.
Good luck!
adhdsuccesstraining.com/solving-your-adult-adhd-puzzle-for-couples-and-individuals/
Compassion and knowledge and informed strategies. That's the ticket.
So my marriage....I get nuts . Nervous tension I lost myself completly.
Its was my trauma, it was me....he left me ! He is diagnosed adhd add. I belieft him for years.
Adhd add broke me. He was my third child
I'm so sorry. Take care of yourself and create new joy in your life.
I threw a glass! Lol it's nice to know we're not alone. Going on 9 years, it's been tough. Thank you for your presentation
😅. You're welcome! Take care.
So relatable
thank you!
A lot of what you're saying is so spot on in my relationship. Too make matters worse, my partner has adhd too and he refuses to address or manage any of it, which only makes it more challenging to manage my own. Lately we've both been teetering towards ending our ten yr relationship. I know we both see there are certain parts of who we are, with or without adhd, which we can't change and other parts that just take more effort to get there. Though at what point do you keep running into brick walls hoping to find or create a sustainable opening that always seems to be moving around, and at what point do you just say ENOUGH. I've already altered myself in a myriad of ways, many of which were good for me anyways, but the more things go on, the less i can even find any logic or motivation to change anything else -- especially when it feels like I'm both moving forward twice as fast as he is and yet also standing still trying to allow for him to catch up even just a little bit. Which i wouldn't mind doing as much if he was able and wanted to make the effort to ebb try to catch up with me. Though he's got such poor self care habits that I know he doesn't know or half the time even see what he's doing or not doing, which makes me question if he'll ever be able to learn to recognize such things. And do i hold out and wait to see if he evolves while my health declines from stress, or stop torching myself and get it over with and ended, regardless of how much i love him... uhg.
Anyways, your video touched on many very real things for me and my relationship, and i really appreciate that you published your talk. I've honestly just been blaming our incompatibilities in general, which while that's certainly a factor, isn't everything when adhd is involved.
I'm going to keep watching your series and do more research and see if yet another approach my salvage our family..
HI there,
I'm so to be just now seeing your comment. UA-cam is not sending me notifications, and I can't figure out how to fix it.
It sounds like treatment for your partner will be imperative if you to survive. When ADHD symptoms are severe enough in a partner, you simply cannot do enough to compensate. And you do risk losing sight of how dysfunctional your life has become. (Check my book passage on "Frog in the Pot Syndrome.)
I am serious. I'm at the age where I absolutely see how short our time on earth is, and how no one is going to look out for us better than us. Please take care of yourself!
If you are still in the relationship now, I encourage you to read my first book. Sometimes it really takes the higher-functioning partner taking the lead in pursuing treatment and implementing systems.
Here is the link:
amzn.to/2DTstjG
I impulsively broke up with my girlfriend on Valentine’s Day after what started out as a normal conversation. I never wanted that and it breaks my heart to think of that time. It truly was just a hyperactive brain and inability to regulate the self. We are okay now but no longer together (understandably). She was extreme motivation to seek treatment because of how I was unable to be the partner I wished I could’ve been for her, and I am SO much better in SO many ways now that I am medicated for ADHD. Miss her for sure, but things are gonna be okay. Thankful for you SM.
Hi SM, you're most welcome, and thanks for your comment.
I hear that so often....the impulsive "breakup".
Quite understandable, imho. We can get just so fed up with "trying" and...not hitting the mark. What else to do but give up.
I'm glad you at least have found some resolution with that relationship instead of letting that experience turn you off relationships in general. (It happens!)
Yes, we all need education and validation earlier..... the collective pain and suffering....overwhelming.
take care
g
Wow. This is me at this stage. Hitting my 2nd year of marriage and all these quirks about me are more noticeable than ever before. I've been diagnosed with PTSD, Depression, Anxiety but my husband has picked up all these other symptoms. So I went to see a Dr. and he diagnosed with ADD. I can't believe after 45 what I've been surviving....
Good for your husband! You picked a smart one! :-)
Depression, anxiety, trauma, PTSD, bipolar disorder....so many misdiagnoses for ADHD.
Congratulate yourself for achieving all that you have. The rest of your life should be easier now!
I'm crying like a baby. I had a girlfriend with untreated ADHD...I was calm and I tried my best to be there for her... to protect her from the world... because she was always getting in trouble for being misinterpreted. But one day she provoked me so much that I got myself punching the wall. Please. Translate your book to Brazilian Portuguese. People with adhd have zero support here. I felt so guilty and alone for not being able to help her more... to do more... but I could not...I was feeling pain in my back and chest everyday because the stress... and I felt a completely failure...thank you. Your videos made me realize that I was not alone.
Dear Sergio, you are definitely not alone. This presentation is from 2009. I've worked steadily ever since to expand awareness, education, and support. I even offer a. Zoom group just for the male partners of women with ADHD. Their needs can be distinct.
Many of us exhausted ourselves into ill health from trying to help our partners with ADHD. The situations are always variable but it can be very, very hard, and we get almost no help from the "mental health profession." In fact, they often make it worse.
I'm sure you did your best. And I hope you do not feel guilty. You can point her to resources now but sometimes it takes a few years for the person with ADHD to realize that they need help, that they cannot blame others or expect miracles from them.
take care
g
Thank you.
You're welcome, Mike. Lots more Adult ADHD-related topics at my blog: adhdrollercoaster.org/
@@GinaPeraADHDRollerCoaster awesome!
I only realized my partner had ADHD because his mom clearly has ADHD. I grew up in a narcissistic household, which has really complicated the issue. I don't want to be abusive but my partner is so difficult to work with as a life partner, and even simple situations become so complicated. I'm just not sure if the situation is good for either one of us. I'm so exhausted so much of the time.
Chronic exhaustion is no way to live. Neither is chronic frustration.
I'm a big believer in taking advantage of all that we know about ADHD and its treatment strategies -- to improve our lives.
I've seen such an outpouring during this COVID situation from people who were hobbling along, not embracing ADHD diagnosis and treatment, and just trying to cope.....but now the situation has made it so much harder to cope without solid strategies.
Not that treatment always means huge positive changes. But it typically does help.
Good luck. Take care of yourself.
are you still with him did it get better
Today it's like somebody understood me, I am with my partner for 8 years now, he is diagnosed with ADHD, I really connected and understood each and every word you said ..After 8 years now he has gone into his shell and he really distant himself from me , I really want to continue my relationship with him ... but I really dont know how.I wanted your help and guidance as to how can I.make this work
HI there, I'm glad my conference presentation (from 2008!) helped you. I've only learned lots more since then.
It is quite common for adults with ADHD to "avoid" discussions that they know will go nowhere. They will be told how much they are disappointing, they will feel bad about it (or, with some, angry and resentful). But they won't know how to change. So they just retreat and avoid.
I encourage you to check out my new course. This is what effective therapy looks like for ADHD but is so hard to find. ADHD therapy is mostly education, finding out how the complexity of ADHD is applying in your particular case - and then focusing on solutions. One by one. I lay it out in a very step by step, digestible way. Short videos. Focused topics. Worksheets to personalize the lessons. There's also an option for Zoom meetings, with me and others in the course. This is a rare opportunity that many are finding hugely beneficial.
FYI, he doesn't have to take the course with you. In fact, I recommend that one partner starts first. Learns, lets the emotions settled, and strategies become clear. And then approach the more reluctant partner, this time with new understanding.
Check it out! and good luck!
adhdsuccesstraining.com/solving-your-adult-adhd-puzzle-for-couples-and-individuals/
Thankyou so much
This is why my ex recently broke up with me. Of course I didn’t know I had ADHD at the time, but I had no idea why I acted the way I did. Hot/cold, different mood each day, some days I acted like I loved him and other days I didn’t want him near me. Knowing I was pushing him away just made me feel even worse. I just want to explain this to him so we can try again but don’t want it to sound like some sorry excuse
Hi Rachael --- rather than a "sorry excuse," I view discovering that one has ADHD as a "crucial explanation." 🙂
The thing is, though, the diagnosis typically isn't enough when it comes to re-engaging a former partner. It typically helps to be on board with serious self-education (that is, NOT most of what we see online) and treatment. In other words, if you want things to be different, you'll need to know how to do that first. (And for new relationships!)
My course has been helping many ADHD-challenged individuals and couples to "warp-speed" their learning curve. You might want to check it out.
ginapera.adhdsuccesstraining.com/solvingyouradultadhdpuzzle
take care
This has been me
We will never be perfect, and will never be what a neurotypical partner can be, but obviously we can be better than who we were when we didn't know we had ADHD. I'm 38, diagnosed a month before turning 35, and even though I have made a lot of progress, I know I'm still a burden in my relationship.
On top of it all, vast majority of people can't truly sympathize with us because it's pretty much an invisible disability to them. Everyone deals with our symptoms here and there so why wouldn't they assume we are making up excuses. It's difficult to get sympathy and understanding, especially when that person has to deal with out issues day in and day out
Ojalá sus videos tuviera su traducción abajo para quienes no entendemos inglés 😢...me interesa escucharla...tengo TDA...y mi familia es TDAH
[through Google translate]
¡Hola! Sí, desearía que esto también estuviera disponible en español. Pero hay mucha buena información disponible en español. Por ejemplo, visita a mis maravillosos amigos en Proyectodah - Cerebrofeliz. ua-cam.com/users/ProyectodahCerebroFeliz
I have just realized I have ADHD at 30, and I'm so exhausted. My love life is always a complete mess. I'm innatentive and a people pleaser, and I've got the lovely mix of avoidant and anxious attachment. There's so much work to do, I honestly don't understand how I'll be able to cope.
I hear you! It can definitely feel overwhelming, according to the literally thousands of adults with late-diagnosis ADHD I've known.
But here is the GOOD NEWS. You don't have to reinvent the wheel! And you don't have to do it all yourself!!
Many dedicated professionals have been working for years to shorten those learning curves - and give evidence-based strategies. That is, those proven to be effective.
Not some Tik Tok'r opinions. Not a guru who has "alternative" answers. Not standard therapists or prescribers.
I've spent 25 years learning all the ins and outs - and guiding people out of the overwhelm. Rather painlessly and, comparatively speaking, quickly. And cost-effectively.
Check out my online training and the option of joining us in Zoom groups.
Feel free to send a note through the contact page, which goes to my e-mail. You are not alone here!
ginapera.adhdsuccesstraining.com/
@@GinaPeraADHDRollerCoaster You're right, and I'm thankful that there is so much info out there right now. Unfortunately, I'm both single and unemployed, thus not very economically stable, so I can't afford to enroll in any courses right now. Thank you though.
@@LeviSponvik Send me an email through the contact page, please. I'd like to help.
Thank you so much for this video. It hit home in so many ways
I'm happy to know that. Thanks.
Thank you for this Video. That is exactly what the issue is for my marriage. Now, when friends and family ask me what my issue is, I will share this video. One of my biggest issue has been explaining to people. They don't get it all.
I agree! For 20 years, when people (seated next to me on a plane, a new hair stylist, etc.) ask me what field I am in, and I say "Adult ADHD," -- I hear it all!
Now I tell them I am an accountant! :-)
ADHD is tricky because the symptoms ARE human traits. It's the number and severity of those traits, in the presence of impairment, that makes the diagnosis.
Humans, as a rule, don't do well in understanding gray area. I think that's a bit part of it with ADHD.
g
I'm happy you found these videos useful.
It's a very difficult phenomenon for most people to understand.
I encourage you to read my comprehensive book on Adult ADHD - the symptoms, the patterns over a lifetime of going without diagnosis/treatment, the potential effect on love ones AND the evidence-based treatment strategies
amzn.to/2H1yvST
You’ll also find 10 years of posts at my award-winning blog: adhdrollercoaster.org/
(I’m sorry for the late reply. UA-cam notifications are erratic.)
And what if both partners have ADHD?? 🙈
I hear you! That's why I have never, in 25 years, used the term "non-ADHD Partner".
First, because that's just a ridiculous term to describe millions of people.
Second, because it implies that both partners couldn't possibly have ADHD....or something else!
Dual-ADHD couples do themselves a big favor by maximizing treatment strategies and implementing "environmental supports" to Executive Functions.
You might want to check out my training and options for peer support:
ginapera.adhdsuccesstraining.com/
good luck!
Haha i fell in love with a person who has adhd, and i too have adhd, its beautiful, we can understand eachother sooo much, but when its bad holy hell, my god please save us. Im passive aggressive and he is a bit just uncaring with his words and knows how to push buttons and get me raging lol.
Hi again,
Oh yes, the Dual-ADHD Relationship.
It can be a thing of beauty-or chaos. :-)
Regarding that button-pushing....try not to take the bait. It only encourages the "self-medicating" habit.
adhdrollercoaster.org/adhd-and-relationships/arguments-conflict-as-self-medication/
Interesting and sinister how people with ADHD seem to hide it so very well in the beginning of a relationship.
Hi Michael,
You know, "sinister" is a good word in some cases but "blind" and "unaware" is a good word in other cases.
Many people with ADHD are operating blind, unaware of their difficulties or that they constitute a "diagnosis" and might be helped with treatment. The new relationship can be stimulating and "hope springs eternal." Until the old familiar patterns start cropping up.
For others, they know they have a very problematic history, they might even have a diagnosis-which they might have ignored. If they disclose this to a new love interest in time, they might minimize it or even use it to elicit the person's sympathy.
Either way, it's always good to be able to recognize the potential trouble signs.
thanks for your comment. g
@@GinaPeraADHDRollerCoaster “operating blind”? they have had it their entire lives. If they choose not to get help or hide it from love interest that’s sinister. I’m sorry but I don’t see how anyone could be operating blind and not know they have a serious issue. It’s more like they consciously decide to hide it from everyone. Not all but a good percentage.
@@michaelesq.atpcfii.9862 I think it's impossible to put numbers on it.
But "blindness" or "denial" of ADHD is real-at any age-and it can be physiological as well as psychological. I devoted three chapters to this in my first book.
The very symptoms that create problems for a person are the same symptoms that can get in the way of seeing themselves clearly and following through on an evaluation and treatment. It's complicated. :-)
As you say, "they've had it all their lives." That means this is their "normal" -- they've never lived another way.
amzn.to/3kJvVUA
@@michaelesq.atpcfii.9862 I didn’t know I had ADHD until I was 39 years old. As a girl from the 80s It was considered a disease that boys got and grew out of. Women are only now starting to be diagnosed because we showed different signs. Many of us are conditioned to mask, to hid what is chaos in our brains, and may not notice the chaos. I didn’t know how much my internal thought process was different until medication showed me what the majority of people brains feel like. I wasn’t acting sinister. I, and many, are doing the best we can with a brain that doesn’t process dopamine in an efficient manner.
I don’t think they willfully hide it. I think normally they hope it will all get better with the new partner. Most people with ADHD are full of good will, especially as long as they think it’s their fault! Wish all the best!
I dated a girl with adhd and I loved her so much..but it got to a point where I couldn't take it any more.she would Blane me for every little thing.which I know I'm not perfect in any way but it was just to much.i was just walking on eggshells
Hi Anthony, you're not alone in that regard. Sometimes ADHD symptoms create poor self-awareness and objectivity. Everything is someone else's fault.
At least you recognized your limits. Many people don't. And by the time they do, they're sort of in deep.
take care,
g
@@GinaPeraADHDRollerCoaster I was with her for 2 yrs but it just got to a point where I said this is enough.which don't get me wrong I still love the heck out of her..
@@anthonygonzalez4970 - I understand. It's so hard.
I have been watching these videos to better understand a sibling with ADHD. Unfortunately my sibling does not seem interested in understanding how their behaviour affects others (and they have hurt some people very badly). So far it seems like they are satisfied with chalking it up to the ADHD and ... that's it. It is quite discouraging and I don't see how any of their relationships can improve.
Hi Pink,
Kudos to you for seeking to better understand your sibling.
Unfortunately, this can be one of the very difficult aspects to ADHD in some people: denial of their challenges.
But sometimes it's not denial. It's resignation. They see no way they can change their behavior, so why bother? It's pointless.
So, your sibling might seem to be "satisfied with chalking it up to ADHD" but it might be the only option your sibling sees.
And/or not being fully aware of the negative impact on others, your sibling remains stuck. It might not seem like being stuck to you -- or even your sibling.
But I bet there are other aspects of life that aren't going well -- and that might continue and deepen with age.
The best thing you can do is educate yourself so you don't compound any feelings of hurt with believing this is intentional, selfish, or otherwise behavior that indicates not caring for you or your family.
If your new knowledge helps you to react differently to your sibling-- or point the way toward treatment and change -- that's a bonus.
best,
g
I would not call it as denial but total unawareness. Not a choice but the brain does not - does not - recognise it. Not a choice by any means. You need to understand that it is the brain's condition. A light switch of comprehension/knowing how to fix this for the rest of their lives is not just going to simply happening by you telling them, no matter how many times you drive yourself crazy by thinking this is how this SHOULD be.
@@jodavey7709 I don't know why people keep saying "it's not denial" because I never said it was denial. Nor a light switch or whatever else. Or that I was driving myself crazy with "shoulds".
It sounds like people are saying "your ADHD sibling just isn't going to change so you just have to accept their behaviour". What if that means at best a completely one-sided relationship? Just giving and never getting anything in return? Or that plus abusive behaviours like screaming and insults? Wasted time and money?
Thank you. It's our story.
Hi Caroline, you are welcome. I'm happy to know that my first presentation resonated for you! These tips and more are listed at the back of my first book: amzn.to/3j1xWPp. take care, g
I often wonder what would happen if you could give a "normal" person full blown ADHD for one day. And I guess apart from other things being not used to that condition from the beginning as we are they wouldn`t even survive the first five minutes in modern day urban traffic, and this is meant literally.
I agree with you.
My friend Jaclyn at the blog The ADHD Homestead just wrote very eloquently on this topic.
Excerpt:
Most of us with ADHD have heard the refrain, “but this happens to everyone. You just have to power through it.” Nobody loves paying bills or doing housework. Everybody feels scattered sometimes. Why should some people get to use ADHD as an excuse, while the rest of the world just has to suck it up?It can be hard to answer this question. There’s a grain of truth in it. Under enough stress, even the most put-together person can develop ADHD-like symptoms. ADHD traits are, at the end of the day, magnified human traits.The key difference between “it happens to everyone” and “it’s ADHD” is context. For someone without ADHD, the struggle is caused by something external, like a big deadline or a family crisis. True ADHD emerges in childhood, usually by early elementary school. It also impairs us in multiple roles (e.g., both at home and at work/school). It sticks around, no matter how we change our environment or our diet.This isn’t an excuse. People with ADHD can bring our symptoms under control with medication, adequate self-care, and other coping strategies. And we should, if we want to lead fulfilling lives and maintain healthy relationships.
adhdhomestead.net/everyone-adhd-sometimes/
0:26
"maybe they remember it differently[..."
yes
because the anxious noncommittal person says "i don't think suchandusch"
keyword "i" and "thnik".
meaning it was up for interpretation.
you DON"T think, but i DO think.
so now what?
That lady and that old dude just described my life fr 18 to 28
HI Roger, I hope my talk provides validation for your experience. Just wondering, which "old dude?" :-)
Russell Barkley that guy knows what he's talking about it was hard for not to scroll down to the comments lol
ha!! I won't tell my friend Russ that you said that. :-)
He sure does know what he's talking about. He validated my perceptions years ago and encouraged my work.
The entire ADHD community owes him a huge debt.
Is there any hope for relationships who both partners have ADHD?
You know, that really varies with the individuals involved.
Sometimes when both partners have ADHD-and are really working to embrace good strategies-the couple can do very well.
Without using good strategies, though, I've seen these couples do very poorly. Neither one is able to stop the other's destructive behaviors around money, sleep, etc.
I specifically asked two friends, both in dual-ADHD relationships, to write the essays for my blog's "book club"-based on reading my first book, "Is It You, Me, or Adult A.D.D."
You can read their essays, chapter by chapter, here: adhdrollercoaster.org/tools-and-strategies/new-free-you-me-adhd-book-club/
That is a good topic.
The tricky part is that, typically, each partner will experience ADHD differently. For example, one partner might be great at managing money but lousy with domestic chores. The other partner, the opposite. So, there will be predictable conflicts in those areas.
Sometimes, though, with the more extreme cases, both partners have a habit of letting everything "slide". And they find themselves living in debt, in clutter, and in chaos.
The solution is to "externalize" systems as much as possible. To use calendars, to-do lists, wear wrist-watches, share a task list, etc. And to do it regularly. These external supports help to offset ADHD-related disorganization (of time, of stuff, of priorities).
Also: to maximize physical strategies (medication, sleep, exercise, nutrition, etc).
I asked two friends, both good writers, both who have ADHD, and both who are married to people with ADHD.....to write essays for the "book club" on my blog: ADHDRollerCoaster.org
Here is the first post for the book club: adhdrollercoaster.org/adhd-and-relationships/chapter-1-you-me-and-adhd-online-book-club/
Yes. If they learn to love God more then themselves, same for you, and both are willing to study their own unhealthy Codependencies, detach from the outcome, study the purpose of marriage, then it can be worked out beautifully.
9 First Fridays Devotion made things fairly easy, in comparison.
Julie Ross has been doing natural amino acid study for years. Apperently ADHD is awful low in DPLA, which bad farming is depleting the food source of.
such an enormous pain realizing you cause problems for the ones you care most about,i guess it’s a big burden for my partner…
Yes, I can only imagine how that might feel. Struggling with these issues yourself while realizing it's making life harder for those you love.
The thing is, it doesn't necessarily have to be like that. My mission is all about elevating lives, helping everyone to live higher-functioning, healthier, and happier lives.
I am 31 and married and have 2 young kids and just self diagnosed with ADHD folled by seeing medical professionals for help and given medication 2 weeks ago and my wife literally texts me while at work saying she didn't feel loved and is no longer in love and asked if we should get a divorce. I have also been medically diagnosed with depression and anxiety so I'm literally driving myself to tears while at work while my mind explodes with fragmented thoughts. These are the times when I wish we we're simply in a simulation and you could hit the reset button or end the game. Almost every moment is starting to feel like cruel and unusual punishment and is like living in a thunderstorm only you can see.
Dear Dustin,
That's a good way to put it. A rest button.
The good news is, you now have an explanation and have started with treatment strategies.
The bad news is, the ADHD diagnosis often only comes as one's life is falling apart, when everyone is hanging onto love and goodwill by a thread.
You have two young children. It behooves you both to double-down on education and treatment strategies.
Two weeks is not a long time -- to get accustomed to the diagnosis, to begin processing one's life through the ADHD lens, to dial in medication.
I encourage you and your wife -- or even just you -- to check out my online training. I designed it to get you up to speed quickly. This is what therapy for ADHD looks like, individual or couple, but is almost impossible to find.
Hang in there. LIfe will get better.
g
O👏🏾M👏🏾G👏🏾 So me, and my relationship! 😕... ☺️... 😑... 😁... 🤷🏾♂️
You're not alone, La"Mar. :-)
My ex who has ADHD was always able to control her anger & frustration with her housemates or work colleagues but never so much with me & never could understand it? Why is this?
Hi there, I can only speculate as to one common reason. That is, the ADHD Partner might put a lot of effort and energy into acting "normal" with others. At the end of the day, it's hard to keep it up if ADHD is not being poorly managed.
Most of us feel that home is where "we can let our hair hang down." We might also feel that we can be more "ourselves" with our intimate partner.
The person with ADHD might not realize how their poorly managed symptoms, including anger, are negatively affecting their prtner - or what they can do about it.
This is especially true sometimes if the person is 'treating" their ADHD by taking Adderall during the day and crashing at the end of the day. With no medication in effect during the time of interaction with the partner.
@@GinaPeraADHDRollerCoaster
I did find it hard to sometimes forget that she has ADHD and would tell her she's too sensitive which only made things worse.
We are no longer together but I would like to work things out and need more advice about being in a relationship with someone who has ADHD. Thank you for your reply 💪🏽🧠
@@djskinz You're welcome. And it's probably fair to say you shouldn't blame yourself too much. You didn't know what you were up against, most likely. And, most likely, neither did she. I honestly believe that everyone can benefit from learning about Adult ADHD, especially as it can affect relationships. Especially those who are dating. ADHD is highly variable, so knowing one person with ADHD won't necessarily mean we can recognize it the next time.
It can also be helpful in the workplace....all kinds of situations.
Just FYI - my courses are currently in an Early Black Friday sale - 50% off. Just use the code: BLACKFRIDAY
Course 1 is the foundational program.
ginapera.adhdsuccesstraining.com/solvingyouradultadhdpuzzle
Course 2 covers the physical aspects of ADHD - the neurobiology, the sleep challenges, other health issues, medication, etc.
ginapera.adhdsuccesstraining.com/course-2-physical-strategies
I wish the slideshow was visible on these videos. It seems like you had great visuals to share with your live audience, but now your UA-cam audience is missing out. : (
Hi Posh,
That presentation was at a professional conference. I had paid copyright to use certain cartoons in that context. The videographers had instructions not to include the copyrighted cartoons. Because I respect hard-working folks' copyrighted work. :-)
But you're in luck. I'm about to launch comprehensive training, full of clever videos where you can see content. From the comfort of your own device!
You can get more details on the content by reading my first book, last chapter.
amzn.to/345T23Y
Oh My ......so treu
I would never date a ADHD person again it was a total nightmare.
Hi Kitty, to each his own.
I can assure you, though: People with ADHD are not clones.
In fact, I know many people who gotten a divorce because their ADHD partner's behaviors were, in the end, impossible tolerate. But then, they meet someone new, and that person also has ADHD. But is an entirely different person. And it often works out.
why tho
Kitty digs why
Wow! Spot on!
Thank you!
It’s impossible to watch this when there are comments to read. I’m probably going to have to watch this 4-6 times to get it. Maybe cut this up in two minute sessions for us adhd heads?
Ha! Not much useful or substantive to say in o it two minutes. 😳
Im scared my partner will find me less interesting over time.. can this happen?
With human relationships, anything can happen. :-)
If your partner's ADHD-related challenges mean "self-medicating" with romantic/sexual partners and moving on when the novel has faded, well, yes, that is a possibility.
Does this mean you are "less interesting" or that your partner has only a superficial perspective on relationships? Only you can say.
Low self-esteem, however, can lead to your taking this personally. And that's not healthy for you.
Good luck sorting this out.
As a counselor training to specialize in ADHD, who also has ADHD, I can I assure you modern therapy with a licensed clinician is not shallow or useless “psychobabble”. Cute description though. 😅
Well, some is and some is not. :-).
But I mean specifically in the context of ADHD, which requires special skills.
This is not just my little opinion. This is an overwhelmingly common experience among the thousands of adults with AHDD and their partners that I've known over the years. A huge "n".
There is some better acknowledgement now, but that mostly comes in recognizing ADHD, not in providing evidence-based treatment.
It's not useless, but unless your therapist is highly educated on ADHD, it's not worth the high cost. Yes it's good to have someone to talk to, but you don't get much out of it if the person isn't specialized in ADHD.
I feel like I have adhd and it maybe it’s causing issues? How can I bring this up to a psychiatrist without seeming like I’m self diagnosing? I feel as if they just automatically assume I’m wrong because I have no experience. ALSO, could adhd be Comorbid with ocd ?
Hi Cameron,
You're smart to be cautious.
The sad truth is that most mental health professionals are not trained in ADHD during their schooling-and don't seek training after.
Some even harbor such skepticism that they will view a client's request for an evaluation as being "drug-seeking" behavior.
Here's my suggestion:
1. Learn as much as you can about ADHD, from reliable sources.
2. Get validation for what you perceive as ADHD-related challenges (via some type of support or discussion group, including online)
3. Think back to your childhood and write some bullet points about how ADHD appeared in your life (and in your family's life....given the high genetic factor)
4. Read the diagnostic criteria (I link to it in the post below) and make a list of examples of how that symptom interferes with your ability to function as you would like in life.
In other words, do your homework. Have DATA. But keep those bullet points short -- because few docs want to read long essays. :-)
re: ADHD and OCD
That's a tricky one. Sometimes people with ADHD will develop very rigid routines in order to manage ADHD symptoms (unrecognized as such or not). Those can "look like" OCD.
The way that is teased out? Review the diagnostic criteria for OCD. See if you relate more to that than to ADHD. It's possible to have both. And the way that is approached is to first treat the condition that seems to predominate more. Then see what's left.
I hope this helps. I absolutely encourage you to learn more. If you have ADHD+, you deserve to have it acknowledged and pursue treatment.
adhdrollercoaster.org/the-basics-about-adult-adhd/the-adult-adhd-diagnosis-how-is-it-made/
Adhd is adaptive
Very much me. I'm told after testing that I don't have ADHD.
Sorry I missed your comment, Ben!
Maybe you don't have ADHD. But maybe the clinician you consulted doesn't know how to evaluate for ADHD. It happens more than you want to know.
g
So you are the lucky one believe me. :-)
My husband and I both have ADHD. Mine is much worse than his. I don't know why he's put up with me for so long.
Maybe he gets distracted. :-)
Just kidding. Maybe he realizes he has his challenges, too, and you two work better as a team.
take care
@@GinaPeraADHDRollerCoaster Thank you
He's a good person probably:)
My boyfriend has it not that he told me but he fits in 100% of all symptoms so the only issue as a new relationship last say is that he has been distant sometimes. He forgets most of the things and is always always busy hard to make him have time for us. 😩 I don’t know how to deal and if our relationship goes further. I really like him but seems that it is so hard for adhd partners. Is like a bad life ahead. Is any good in it? Also smts i feel like he can’t show much feelings I don’t even know if he likes me he never say a thing even when i try show him some.
Hi Terena,
Your concerns are understandable.
I need to emphasize: People with ADHD are not clones. :-)
ADHD is a highly variable syndrome. And it affects individuals, who have many other aspects to their personality.
You have to ask yourself if you can live with his problematic behaviors if nothing changes. How might they affect YOUR health, YOUR financial security, YOUR happiness?
If you say your boyfriend has 100% of the symptoms but he hasn't told you have a diagnosis, that might mean:
1. He has been diagnosed and isn't telling you, perhaps for fear of scaring you off.
2. He's oblivious of his symptoms or thinks "that's just the way I am; take it or leave it)
If you are going to stay in the relationship, you do need to think about your future if the "100%" of his symptoms continue to go unaddressed. They do not bode well for his own future or yours.
I encourage you to read my first book to learn more.
amzn.to/2KtnDhy
good luck and do take care of yourself.
g
ADHD Success Training - With Gina Pera thanks for reply yeah i will check your book for sure. He is not only his disorder he is a nice guy and treat me nicely. But didn’t meantion with me yet at least about it but he had some kind of talks that he said about his behavior when children and his difficulties of learning in school etc... but that was all he has many problems with money, is always busy always, forget things that even he said. Had problems with car speed many times in the pass. I just wanted to know more how to deal with it all. Thanks for your response:)
@@Terenablakely - Definitely read my book. It will help you understand what he is up against -- and how he might not even realize that his life can be better, or how to make that happen.
Damn. Too late. I have an ex now. We both have it . We both didn’t know. Now I know. I wish we’d known.
I wish you'd known, too. :-( Now you know, though, and I hope that helps you avoid future needless heartache.
Please. Let's translate your book to Brazilian Portuguese. I can help. My people need this knowledge.
Hi Sergio, I would love to have the book translated into Portuguese -- and every other language. There are already Spanish and Turkish translations. I donated the copyright to ADHD charities in those countries. It's a BIG book and therefore a BIG job.
I wonder if you'd like to start with translating some blog posts? A psychiatrist in Spain did that years ago and they were well-received. ADHDrollercoaster.org
best
g
@@GinaPeraADHDRollerCoaster oh. Thank you so much for your answer. I'll work on it. Your work is very important... and it would be an honor for me to be part of it and to be helping other people.
My Girlfriend thinks just cuz she has diabetes and it gives her mood swings on her "lows" it doesn't matter i have to deal with aggressive moods just cuz she can die from diabetes...
Hi Luther, Wow, it doesn't seem that her diabetes is very well managed. ADHD is associated with higher risk of diabetes -- and if ADHD is not well-managed, that affects how well a person can manage their diabetes. So, I wonder if that could also be a factor in her mood swings.
We both had adhd but his is worst and omg yes
getting a lil pissed off at trying to find info on ADHD and only finding videos on "how to deal with a person who HAS ADHD"
all old and outdated videos and NOTHING for the actual person who HAS it.
i got diagnosed after 38 years. got told by doctor to "go look up some things online"
thnx doc but theres FUCK ALL out there for me. only OTHER PEOPLE.
might as well step in front of a train if this is how the UK helps people.
Hi there,
Sorry but that's not what this lecture series is about. If you cannot spend a few minutes learning about the potential effect of ADHD on loved ones, you can skip ahead to the sections detailing strategies.
There IS plenty of information online. The trouble is, some of its great and some of its horrible -- and when you're new to the topic, it's hard to know which is which.
I'm sorry that you are right: The UK treats adults with ADHD abysmally. ABYSMALLY. Most times, it's misdiagnosed as depression, anxiety, learning disorder, etc.
There is definitely an economic incentive for the government to deny treatment to adults with ADHD. And it is perpetuated by the media and citizens.
Your doctor needs to be taken behind the wood shed.
Perhaps you can find some backup within these NICE guidelines, so you can self-advocate within the system.
www.nice.org.uk/guidance/NG87
Good luck,
Gina
I hope you did not step in front of a train. My friend's son in the UK did that several years ago, and his entire family and village mourns him.
adhdrollercoaster.org/finding-support/a-memorial-to-sean-bone/
I, it is very true some folks with ADHD have emotional dysregulation issues. Dealing with ADHD without support from your health system or anyone else is onerous, at best.
Truly, I cannot imagine how angry I'd be. I'm angry for people with ADHD, though.
In fact, I just got chewed out by a UK-based company/support group that posts a lot about "ADHD super powers" and such.
The problem is, the UK is a very horrible place when it comes to finding diagnosis and treatment for Adult ADHD. Seems to me we should be careful with the "super power" thing if we're trying to convince government bean counters that ADHD can be highly impairing and deserves consideration. And I said as much. So, chewed out.
Please understand, though, these videos are not about "dealing with the person who has ADHD." These videos and the rest of my work are about understanding ADHD, in oneself or a loved one, and taking pro-active strategies to live a happier, healthier, and higher-functioning life.
I hope you get the help you deserve. I am sorry it's so hard.
g
Hello I'm adhd to and in the UK and mental health here is very bad , I can help you with some information about our condition, you need to understand yourself and how adhd effects you. Please don't do anything to hurt yr self , we are out there if you need help , stay strong
Sounds like a parent-child relationship
If you read my book (first edition in 2008), you'll see that I explain that. ADHD requires strategies that support Executive Functions, so that neither partner is the "parent" or "child."
these points that Gina Pera are listing sound like NPD
Hi there,
The trouble is, NPD is a description of behaviors, with no consideration of or examination of cause.
This is true with most of the DSM's personality disorders. They are descriptive only. And, most often, the prognosis is poor.
But for decades ADHD has been misdiagnosed as various personality disorders, depending on how ADHD symptoms manifest in the person.
Any neurcognitive impairment that limits higher-order brain processes such as empathy, conscience, reciprocity creates a fertile foundation for "narcissism".
Narcissism is a very hot keyword now. All kinds of grandstanding psychologists, etc. are using it as a very effective keyword to increase traffic. It's open season on "narcissists" - the only psychiatric diagnosis that apparently we are allowed to demonize.
Narcissistic behavior is nothing to be applauded. It can be seriously destructive to that person and anyone in their orbit.
The important thing to understand, though, is when it might be treatable. As with ADHD. It often is.
I hope that clarifies.
@@GinaPeraADHDRollerCoaster Yes thank you for your answer ...
Not gonna lie, as a young women in her late 20's learning how to cope w/ my symptoms, your comment sections and videos have made me feel the most unloved, unfixable, and hopeless of all the content I've seen. It's demeaning, resentful, discouraging, and I get more of an impression that an individual w/ adhd in your community is going to be treated as a laughing stock for a joke. I hope this "helps" some people going through these relationship challenges and their self awareness w/ their own adhd, but there is far more better content out there that is as informative as it its empathic and approachable.
I'm sorry that's your reaction. But I do not agree with your assessment. Neither do the majority of the comments. Read them.
ADHD can often leave folks feeling as if they have a target on their back. Especially when going long undiagnosed. I understand that and have written compassionately about it for many years and in many outlets. Whether you realize that or not.
I know...it is very easy to get one's head turned around on today's "ADHD Internet." Many messages seem designed to "pump up" the egos of people with ADHD and disparage "neurotypicals."
I have been providing free support to adults with ADHD and their loved ones for 20 years. You know nothing of that community but you still attack me based on your limited understanding and perhaps what you want to believe.
Moreover, in all these years never have I accepted pharmaceutical industry support. We can't say that of many of the "faces of ADHD" online or people calling themselves experts when they are only marketers -of themselves. They specialize in telling people what they want to hear - and shoveling up narcissistic supply.
Sometimes, one must be a little older or at least more mature to accept and understand truly problematic ADHD issues without "shooting the messenger."
Perhaps you missed it....this presentation is from 2008. When almost no one else was talking about Adult ADHD, much less in relationships. I focused on one aspect of relationship issues: the ten hot spots.
They will happily tell you, as a person with ADHD, that a partner who has concerns about your behavior is "gaslighting you" or is "narcissistic." They should "accept you as you are!"
Denying, deflecting, and pandering is always easier than telling hard truths.
What's missing in the pandering? Honest information and guidance proven to help people with ADHD and their loved ones to live happier, healthier, and even longer lives.
Sometimes what seems "empathic" is really blowing smoke up skirts, an easy message that sells. In other words, deceitful manipulation.
If that helps you, the good news is you'll find plenty of it online.
good luck
Gina
Sounds like a lot of excuses for just immature people in general who need to take medication like anyone else
This is all amazingly educational but I can't bear the clicking of the dry mouth :(
How kind of you to make that comment. On a free video.
Perhaps your delicate auditory processing would be improved with medication.
Perhaps you might also develop a degree of empathy. FYI - I don't even wear dentures.
Oh my bad my emphasis laid on the first part, I'm sorry. Indeed not a very constructive formulation @@GinaPeraADHDRollerCoaster
@@poederruiker5757 Thank you. I am a real person, you know. A person who has devoted 20 years to ADHD advocacy, most of it unpaid.
I explained several times that I had a bad cold and the heating was on full-blast in that room.
I did my best.
@@GinaPeraADHDRollerCoaster Oh I didn't realise, did a quick flick of the scroll to see if anyone mentioned but didn't saw anything. I 100% appreciate your effort and had I known you were hearing this repeatedly I would've kept it to myself. Cheers! (no pun intended)
@@poederruiker5757 Thank you. It's not easy to make it clear over the 7 videos in this series, and it just sounds like an excuse. :-)
You can tell you’ve been married for a long time and you like to be heard.. I promise you it’s not all your husband and his ADHD to blame for all your marital problems lady.. I feel bad for him and the heaviness he must carry with all the guilt you place on him for being an imperfect human. Your blessed to have him bc most would have left 💯
Your comment is so irrational and hateful, lacking all comprehension of my message, I'll let it stand as representative of people who refuse to get it. Including but not limited to some people with ADHD.
I have adhd and I think women are the problem. Haha jk 🎉
Hey, if it's working for ya..... ;-). But just FYI, women have ADHD, too.
Damn lady- I listened to part 1 and was interested enough to tune into part 2. BUT, your kinda scapegoating your relationship problems and relationships in general to ADHD....no? Good for you for being so much bigger then those of us with this "deficit". Ever think you'r "mono-track" mind people can't keep up with us? Wait, I'm sorry- I must be getting defensive over my behavior... that's that denial. I'm so sorry you have been victimized by our disease... you poor thing. If we could all just be more like normal people- the world would be such a better place. Guess your ignorance is got me in that ADHD "denial". This was lpw key deflection... is it me?
Again, you're displaying some prize-winning relationship skills. I bet they serve you well! :-)