My husband is Hispanic with a huge loud family. I was able to communicate to him that our house is not for regular social gatherings. He’s got it after a couple of my meltdowns. It’s still hard to deal with in-laws who regularly violate my boundaries. But little by little they get to know “real me” better and realize that I still love them, even though I can’t spend longer than 2 hours in their house.
Such great advice! I had been staying home all through COVID, so now that I’m getting out more I’m starting to realize how depleting “little” things are, like small get togethers, going out to dinner, even bible study class and worship, I hate to say. I must have been running on pure adrenaline all my life. No wonder I was a train wreck. I’m definitely going to go easy on myself and budget my social time better. Glad I have an understanding husband. ADVICE: always error on undercommitting because once you’re overstimulated, it’s much harder, if not impossible, to articulate why you need to leave early, or whatever.
I feel like I’m always doing things because they’re what I think I should “want” to do… it’s always bothered me so much that I often don’t want to do “fun” things or what everyone else is doing. It’s always made me feel really “other”.
Y'know, even NT introverts seem to have this issue - a lot of what gets labeled "fun" (especially in an extroverted culture like the US) is kinda loud and boisterous - and not everyone wants that! But reading a book, having tea with a friend, going for a hike on your own or with a small family group, working in your garden...all those things can be fun and rewarding too, and there are lots of people who enjoy them. Personally, I find that I need just slightly more social interaction than I think I want, for optimum mental health...so it can be good sometimes to push myself to go out and see people if I've been spending a LOT of time on my own. But the amount that, say, an extroverted NT wants would send me crashing immediately!
I have been stressed so many years that I don’t notice that my body is stressed until I have a headache or my back spasms. I am 56 and just realized that I have ASD. I am overloaded with processing this information. I wish I had known about my autism decades ago! Girls need to be assessed!!!
Not cheesy. Heading you say things different ways really helps me. Thanks. You’re crazy articulate and focused. It’s beautiful. Love you tone. All of it. Thanks
When I get up every day,I check in with myself to see how I’m doing both mentally and physically and that sets the stage for my day as to how much or how little I do. If there is a social gathering on a day I’m not doing well either mentally,physically or both, I either reschedule it or most often, go forward with it knowing I may need to leave earlier than if I was doing better.
Hey hi, I just wanted to say thank you for this amazing content that is accessible for free ❤ I'm pretty new to your channel, I discovered it 3 days ago and I have been watching at least 15 videos since then (taking notes as well 😅). It's been 2 years that I am wondering if I am on the spectrum, feeling as an imposter because a lot of my friends/doctors don't believe I am, so I tried not to do too much research, and god knows that's hard for us... But I am going to see a "neuropsy" (sorry that's the doctor's name in French, don't know if that's the same in the US) soon to get diagnosed "officially" but I am so afraid to go because one of my biggest issues is to talk about my issues. Listening to your videos has helped me so much to put words where I couldn't and I find your advices to be so helpful too! Thanks again for providing ao much grace, support and resources I feel I lacked all my life ❤❤❤
I always want to go to the planned in-law events. Knowing the level of masking required for these functions stresses me to the point i am melt down before i even get out the door. The expectations in every area forces me to sensor and mask to keep peace often.
One of the things that led me to seek out an ASD diagnosis was realizing that I'd been semi-consciously doing this balancing act all my life. I think being an only child of two bookish only children helped a lot in developing a skill with this. I DID always spend a lot of time by myself or in a small, relatively chill family group - so the change in how I felt when entering more intense social settings was quite apparent. That doesn't mean I dislike or will fully avoid large parties, parades, traditional markets where vendors shout at you, etc...I just started to notice that I have a time limit on how much of that I want. I also started to notice that I can extend the time for which I can tolerate these more sense-overwhelming situations by: A) building in quiet rest time before or after (for instance, department Friday afternoon happy hours are do-able if I lay down under my desk for 20 minutes...though obviously that's less accessible if you work in an open-plan office!) and B) not having more than one drink, ESPECIALLY at a club or bar. (I've noticed that if I go above that, I lose my ability to screen out noise and flashing lights and annoying dudes, and if I can't leave immediately I'm apt to start crying uncontrollably. That actually happened at one of my best friends' bachelorette party - fortunately, she and others were already wanting to go home but didn't want to sound like a drag by saying so, so there were no negative social consequences!) And cultivating the kinds of friendships and environments that feel better to you IS possible. For instance, I got really stressed out when a fellow postdoc told me that the ONLY way to network at scientific conferences is to go out drinking with people afterward, because I NEVER did that, and I knew that if I forced myself to I was going to be barely coherent and not impressive to anyone! So I followed an alternate strategy of inviting people whose work I found interesting (not just at conferences, but also seminar speakers, etc.) to coffee or lunch, where we could have a more one-on-one conversation in an environment where I could be articulate about my ideas and they could actually hear them clearly. I think that led to fewer but deeper connections. And I got a job offer that was as good or better than my friend's...so it seems like it works!
Our family uses the 2 car method and it works so well and makes those of us who may need to leave early feel better about going in the first place because we can leave when we need to.
This is more great boundary advice from you! Thank you! I’m a lot better at just saying to people straight up that sorry, would love to see you this week but I already have a couple things planned and that’s my limit. Honesty is very freeing! 😊
Thank you for sharing your information and experiences. You have helped me understand my meltdowns and how I could prevent them and keep living my best life.
#3 is a great method for communicating where you’re at so you can ease people into understanding where you’re at. Understand 1000% on the not sleeping well being a trigger/ catalyst for an overwhelming day.
Thank you for your channel. The things you're sharing are very helpful, supporting and encouraging. I feel like I really need to rethink my strategy on social events. Boundaries and priorities are everything!
For #2 it was so hard for me to set boundaries on the freelance work I did for years. The entrepreneurs I had as clients worked me to the bone and I didn’t know how to say no. Protecting your energy makes a ton of sense.
My wife is from a different ethnicity - one that highly values community, celebrations, and large gatherings. In fact, it’s not uncommon for them to attend engagement parties, weddings, and a whole slew of religious and secular gatherings every single week. Even routine family visits have 10-15 people in the house. What makes it worse for me is the incessant loud music and everyone pulling on me to get up and dance. Dancing is huge in their culture. It’s exhausting. My mask wears thin after a while and I try to head outside to get fresh air, or just sit in my car to hide from them all. No matter how many times I tell them I am not comfortable participating, they don’t understand. They see it as me being dismissive of their rich culture. My wife tries to understand but she loves every bit of it and I just slow her down. I have wanted to just tell them all about my diagnosis so they will leave me alone, but that might bring shame on my wife in the eyes of their close knit community.
11:25 is such a hard point for me, I agreed to go skydiving as part of a wedding coming up and I have zeeeero interest in doing it. Additionally they want to go on a party bus drinking in a city where shootings and crime are very high... absolutely no interest in that either. So much so that I’ve been considering telling them I’d like to pass on those activities and just join in on the reception. Great reminder on getting to a place where I can do things because I really want to. Looking forward to your next vid on that q! :)
My friend was in a similar situation recently. Her sister was throwing a party for a bride-to-be and she didn't feel comfortable partying with that particular group. She told her sister she would join them for dinner but wouldn't be able to make the other festivities. She texted me and said it. felt SO GOOD to do that! Hope you find a solution that feels right to you.
On #1 I really need to restart my meditation practice, I used the free Andy Puddicomb 10 minute meditation that’s been on UA-cam for years. Great inspiration to do so!
At 67 I think my whole family is ASD in varying degrees! Do you think we attract fellow members? I am like many others here. I live in Canada and I would even bother getting a waitlist number for diagnosis - I am 99% sure I am and my eldest sister self diagnosed ADHD and now takes drugs to calm her mind and focus better. My adult daughter and son manifest differently but show many of the descriptions from people who are already diagnosed. It is not fun when we try to communicate with one another. There is ALWAYS a misunderstanding from one of us. Lol they all think I want control when I ask for details but I hate surprises and have to fast forward with scenarios so I am ready to react appropriately.
Hi, I'm wondering how to set and enforce boundaries with respect to trying to get a job? I'm out of work and trying to find an entry level job, but it seems like every job requires face-to-face interactions with customers or phone work, neither of which I can handle for a full-time job. How do we find or make a job for ourselves when we're perceived as being "lazy" or "selfish" or "not wanting a job"? I do want to work, I have bills like everybody else, but what do I say to people who accuse me of being the above? Thanks!
I feel we must be a very difficult group of people to love. I feel that my husband must be a saint to be in a relationship with me. Both my sister and my daughter are just like me so they understand but my two boys aren’t and it cause a rift between us.
Recently realizing that I'm somewhere on the autism spectrum is confusing and yet makes sense in many ways. So is seeing a neurologist a good idea to understand my issues?
My husband is Hispanic with a huge loud family. I was able to communicate to him that our house is not for regular social gatherings. He’s got it after a couple of my meltdowns. It’s still hard to deal with in-laws who regularly violate my boundaries. But little by little they get to know “real me” better and realize that I still love them, even though I can’t spend longer than 2 hours in their house.
Good for you for setting boundaries for yourself!! That takes courage and commitment!!
Such great advice! I had been staying home all through COVID, so now that I’m getting out more I’m starting to realize how depleting “little” things are, like small get togethers, going out to dinner, even bible study class and worship, I hate to say. I must have been running on pure adrenaline all my life. No wonder I was a train wreck. I’m definitely going to go easy on myself and budget my social time better. Glad I have an understanding husband. ADVICE: always error on undercommitting because once you’re overstimulated, it’s much harder, if not impossible, to articulate why you need to leave early, or whatever.
I feel like I’m always doing things because they’re what I think I should “want” to do… it’s always bothered me so much that I often don’t want to do “fun” things or what everyone else is doing. It’s always made me feel really “other”.
Y'know, even NT introverts seem to have this issue - a lot of what gets labeled "fun" (especially in an extroverted culture like the US) is kinda loud and boisterous - and not everyone wants that!
But reading a book, having tea with a friend, going for a hike on your own or with a small family group, working in your garden...all those things can be fun and rewarding too, and there are lots of people who enjoy them.
Personally, I find that I need just slightly more social interaction than I think I want, for optimum mental health...so it can be good sometimes to push myself to go out and see people if I've been spending a LOT of time on my own. But the amount that, say, an extroverted NT wants would send me crashing immediately!
I have been stressed so many years that I don’t notice that my body is stressed until I have a headache or my back spasms. I am 56 and just realized that I have ASD. I am overloaded with processing this information. I wish I had known about my autism decades ago! Girls need to be assessed!!!
Definitely agree! Here’s to changing things for the better from this point on! 🥂
All those migraines 😞
Not cheesy. Heading you say things different ways really helps me. Thanks. You’re crazy articulate and focused. It’s beautiful. Love you tone. All of it. Thanks
I seem to volley between "I'm on molly" and "the world must buuuuurn...."
When I get up every day,I check in with myself to see how I’m doing both mentally and physically and that sets the stage for my day as to how much or how little I do. If there is a social gathering on a day I’m not doing well either mentally,physically or both, I either reschedule it or most often, go forward with it knowing I may need to leave earlier than if I was doing better.
Love this! I've heard others echo similar sentiments on here. Autists unite!
Hey hi, I just wanted to say thank you for this amazing content that is accessible for free ❤
I'm pretty new to your channel, I discovered it 3 days ago and I have been watching at least 15 videos since then (taking notes as well 😅). It's been 2 years that I am wondering if I am on the spectrum, feeling as an imposter because a lot of my friends/doctors don't believe I am, so I tried not to do too much research, and god knows that's hard for us...
But I am going to see a "neuropsy" (sorry that's the doctor's name in French, don't know if that's the same in the US) soon to get diagnosed "officially" but I am so afraid to go because one of my biggest issues is to talk about my issues. Listening to your videos has helped me so much to put words where I couldn't and I find your advices to be so helpful too! Thanks again for providing ao much grace, support and resources I feel I lacked all my life ❤❤❤
I always want to go to the planned in-law events. Knowing the level of masking required for these functions stresses me to the point i am melt down before i even get out the door. The expectations in every area forces me to sensor and mask to keep peace often.
Thanks for sharing your experience! You’re not alone.
One of the things that led me to seek out an ASD diagnosis was realizing that I'd been semi-consciously doing this balancing act all my life.
I think being an only child of two bookish only children helped a lot in developing a skill with this. I DID always spend a lot of time by myself or in a small, relatively chill family group - so the change in how I felt when entering more intense social settings was quite apparent.
That doesn't mean I dislike or will fully avoid large parties, parades, traditional markets where vendors shout at you, etc...I just started to notice that I have a time limit on how much of that I want.
I also started to notice that I can extend the time for which I can tolerate these more sense-overwhelming situations by:
A) building in quiet rest time before or after (for instance, department Friday afternoon happy hours are do-able if I lay down under my desk for 20 minutes...though obviously that's less accessible if you work in an open-plan office!)
and B) not having more than one drink, ESPECIALLY at a club or bar. (I've noticed that if I go above that, I lose my ability to screen out noise and flashing lights and annoying dudes, and if I can't leave immediately I'm apt to start crying uncontrollably. That actually happened at one of my best friends' bachelorette party - fortunately, she and others were already wanting to go home but didn't want to sound like a drag by saying so, so there were no negative social consequences!)
And cultivating the kinds of friendships and environments that feel better to you IS possible. For instance, I got really stressed out when a fellow postdoc told me that the ONLY way to network at scientific conferences is to go out drinking with people afterward, because I NEVER did that, and I knew that if I forced myself to I was going to be barely coherent and not impressive to anyone!
So I followed an alternate strategy of inviting people whose work I found interesting (not just at conferences, but also seminar speakers, etc.) to coffee or lunch, where we could have a more one-on-one conversation in an environment where I could be articulate about my ideas and they could actually hear them clearly. I think that led to fewer but deeper connections. And I got a job offer that was as good or better than my friend's...so it seems like it works!
Our family uses the 2 car method and it works so well and makes those of us who may need to leave early feel better about going in the first place because we can leave when we need to.
Awesome!
This is more great boundary advice from you! Thank you! I’m a lot better at just saying to people straight up that sorry, would love to see you this week but I already have a couple things planned and that’s my limit. Honesty is very freeing! 😊
Thank you for sharing your information and experiences. You have helped me understand my meltdowns and how I could prevent them and keep living my best life.
#3 is a great method for communicating where you’re at so you can ease people into understanding where you’re at. Understand 1000% on the not sleeping well being a trigger/ catalyst for an overwhelming day.
Thank you for covering my question
Great question! 🙏🔥
Thank you for your channel. The things you're sharing are very helpful, supporting and encouraging. I feel like I really need to rethink my strategy on social events. Boundaries and priorities are everything!
Thanks for your videos. They help me realise I’m not alone💖
You’re definitely not alone! Please let me know if there are any additional resources or videos I can share that may be helpful to you.
Planning nothing for 2 days before event really helps
Great suggestion!
And after 🥰
Wow! This was so timely for me, and super helpful!! Thank you to the original commenter and to you, Taylor, for taking the time! 💚
Excellent topic and definitely relevant.
Thank you for so much great content! You are awesome!
For #2 it was so hard for me to set boundaries on the freelance work I did for years. The entrepreneurs I had as clients worked me to the bone and I didn’t know how to say no. Protecting your energy makes a ton of sense.
Taylor, thank you for being so awesome. I 🤔💬 I definitely would truly benefit from your method of meditation.
For example. I know it’s crucial to meditate. But I fall off. And hearing you say something “cheesy” helps push me.
My wife is from a different ethnicity - one that highly values community, celebrations, and large gatherings. In fact, it’s not uncommon for them to attend engagement parties, weddings, and a whole slew of religious and secular gatherings every single week. Even routine family visits have 10-15 people in the house.
What makes it worse for me is the incessant loud music and everyone pulling on me to get up and dance. Dancing is huge in their culture. It’s exhausting. My mask wears thin after a while and I try to head outside to get fresh air, or just sit in my car to hide from them all. No matter how many times I tell them I am not comfortable participating, they don’t understand. They see it as me being dismissive of their rich culture.
My wife tries to understand but she loves every bit of it and I just slow her down. I have wanted to just tell them all about my diagnosis so they will leave me alone, but that might bring shame on my wife in the eyes of their close knit community.
11:25 is such a hard point for me, I agreed to go skydiving as part of a wedding coming up and I have zeeeero interest in doing it. Additionally they want to go on a party bus drinking in a city where shootings and crime are very high... absolutely no interest in that either. So much so that I’ve been considering telling them I’d like to pass on those activities and just join in on the reception. Great reminder on getting to a place where I can do things because I really want to. Looking forward to your next vid on that q! :)
My friend was in a similar situation recently. Her sister was throwing a party for a bride-to-be and she didn't feel comfortable partying with that particular group. She told her sister she would join them for dinner but wouldn't be able to make the other festivities. She texted me and said it. felt SO GOOD to do that! Hope you find a solution that feels right to you.
On #1 I really need to restart my meditation practice, I used the free Andy Puddicomb 10 minute meditation that’s been on UA-cam for years. Great inspiration to do so!
Yes! I love the headspace meditations because andy does them and his voice is one of the most soothing voices i've heard.
Thankyou for this channel 💖
You're welcome Christine! glad you're a part of it.
This was really helpful thank you :)
At 67 I think my whole family is ASD in varying degrees! Do you think we attract fellow members? I am like many others here. I live in Canada and I would even bother getting a waitlist number for diagnosis - I am 99% sure I am and my eldest sister self diagnosed ADHD and now takes drugs to calm her mind and focus better. My adult daughter and son manifest differently but show many of the descriptions from people who are already diagnosed. It is not fun when we try to communicate with one another. There is ALWAYS a misunderstanding from one of us. Lol they all think I want control when I ask for details but I hate surprises and have to fast forward with scenarios so I am ready to react appropriately.
Thank you so so much for this
You’re very welcome! Glad it was helpful. Let me know if you have any ideas for future video topics.
Hi, I'm wondering how to set and enforce boundaries with respect to trying to get a job? I'm out of work and trying to find an entry level job, but it seems like every job requires face-to-face interactions with customers or phone work, neither of which I can handle for a full-time job. How do we find or make a job for ourselves when we're perceived as being "lazy" or "selfish" or "not wanting a job"? I do want to work, I have bills like everybody else, but what do I say to people who accuse me of being the above? Thanks!
I feel we must be a very difficult group of people to love. I feel that my husband must be a saint to be in a relationship with me. Both my sister and my daughter are just like me so they understand but my two boys aren’t and it cause a rift between us.
Recently realizing that I'm somewhere on the autism spectrum is confusing and yet makes sense in many ways. So is seeing a neurologist a good idea to understand my issues?
you diagnosis appears wrong.
We hide it well, bucko
mercy, please eat better and exercise@@bobnolin9155
you realize where the diagnosis is spawned from?...... same foundation as the checklist adhd diagnosis. what is it you are hiding?@@bobnolin9155