Autistic Burnout, People-pleasing, and Misunderstood Empathy
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- Опубліковано 29 чер 2021
- You may have heard that people on the spectrum have less empathy than others. This is simply not true! In many ways I feel we have MORE. But what can we do when showing empathy requires more energy than we can give?
In this video, I'm discussing 5 strategies to help prevent burnout from caring for others. (Scroll down for timestamps to jump to a specific section of the video.)
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VIDEO MARKERS:
What is empathy? (0:46)
Strategies to Prevent Burnout:
1: Take care of yourself first (3:48)
2: Accept that you need a lot of alone time (5:21)
3. Notice subtle mood shifts (5:58)
4. Use empathy as a tool (7:21)
5. Be aware that you might take on other people’s emotional work (8:37)
Resources (11:43)
_______________________
I'm Tay, a married mom of 2 who was diagnosed with Autism at 31 years old. This was after YEARS of therapy (and all of the self tests in the world!). My diagnosis has brought up questions, frustration, doubt, but most importantly, a new level of self compassion and understanding.
I'm here to share knowledge, resources, and products that empower other neurodivergents (and their loved ones) to live freely and creatively. I'm not a doctor so please speak with your healthcare providers before implementing any recommendations I make on my channel.
It's good for my brain to spend less time on social media, so you won't find me on Facebook or Instagram. But I'd love to chat with you in the comments! Or you can find my email address in the "Details" section of my About page.
/ @momonthespectrum
Females are under-diagnosed due to lack of research. Please share any videos that are helpful to you so we can spread awareness and acceptance.
RESOURCES
What is an empath?:
www.healthline.com/health/wha...
Autism and Empathy: embrace-autism.com/autism-and...
Who You Were Meant to Be: www.amazon.com/Who-You-Were-M...
Balancing Boundaries and Social Events: • Balancing Self Care an...
Preventing Adult Autistic Meltdowns: • Autistic Meltdowns Vs....
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#autism #autistic #aspergers
when i was a kid trying to explain my feelings to others, i put it as "you're _at_ the bonfire of feelings, I'm IN it."
Thanks for shattering the stereotype! I always worry so much about how my words or actions could affect other people. I often avoid saying or doing certain things if there’s a chance it could upset someone. It’s hard for me to be assertive and set boundaries, but it’s probably my #1 mental health goal right now
That's awesome that you're setting a goal for yourself! Implementing boundaries can be challenging, but it's kind of like a muscle in that the more you use the skill, the stronger it gets. Hang in there!
It’s my number 1 mental health goal too
I've identified as an empath long before I got my diagnosis. I think that's why I tend to keep just a few close friends because it is physically draining for me to engage socially with others so the fewer the friends the more I can tend to them and then tend to myself afterwards. Thanks for a great and relatable video and congrats on 100 subscribers!
Thanks so much!
Same here.
This is SO true! I am often amazed how little other people care about others and I often feel overattached and overempathic to others, I can't stomach it whenever I think they feel sad or are unhappy, I just HAVE to help them, even if it is stressful for myself. I want to solve other people's problems, including global problems such as climate change, wars, discrimination, etc., while most others don't seem to care much about it. And I also am constantly scared of being a burden to others and my inability to really know if they feel that way or not is such a pain. People get annoyed by my inability to read their feelings, in good and in bad ways, I constantly apologize in advance. I'm so scared to misread other people's feelings that I'd rather not make assumptions at all or only make assumptions that don't lead to anything. This is why I am scared to do decisions in social situations, this is why I never take first steps in relationships or intitiate sex because I'm just way too scared to hurt others because I just can't read their feelings.
I just feel like I just can't do anything right here... It's easy to manipulate me emotionally, and it's easy for me to hurt others without knowing it.
Thank you for posting about this. This is an important convo I've been needing to have with others who understand. I've always struggled so much in group settings, and now I see how that stems from my ADHD/ASD as a cis woman. I usually come across as aloof and quiet in group settings, and yet I leave feeling overloaded with social and emotional burnout. This is bc I default to observing, and while I'm observing I am taking in tons of social and emotional stimuli. With each person, I try to process what they must be thinking and feeling, and how that relates to me and what I should be doing to help them feel better and then I pivot to the next person and the next and the next and I dont know where to start or how to respond in order to accommodate all of the thoughts and feelings in the room. Its exhausting, and ultimately paralyzing.
Lately, I've been strategizing by choosing a smaller social goal before each group gathering. For instance -- make sure my husband is having a good time. Or -- get to know my aunt better. I find that having a focus helps reduce social overwhelm. I know some folks are gifted with the ability to work a room and leave each person feeling seen, but I have to accept that I am not one of them.
I am a empath, psychic and Traumatic Brain Injury survior and newly self diagnosed Autistic. Thankyou for this video!
YES! I’ve been saying this for a while
now. Neurotypical people are usually less empathetic and every neurodivergent person I have ever met is intensely empathetic.
edit: hate social media and only love reddit too* really makes me happy to hear someone else have
so many similarities. Feels
like relief and enthusiasm inducing to hear all of this.
I feel that when you are unable to take care of yourself FIRST, it’s already a step in the right direction to take care of yourself TOO. Especially as a parent. We tend to cater to everyone else and then there’s no time left for ourselves. Maybe we can’t cater to ourself first just yet/at this time but at least we can squeeze in a little “me time” of some kind.
Re: being there for others: I have been trying to take several steps back from the whole “helping others” idea. Oftentimes our friends aren’t even looking for help or advice, just open arms and acceptance.
LOVE the taking care of yourself TOO concept. I'm going to stick that one in my back pocket. Thanks for sharing. :)
This was wonderful 🙏💯🔥
Excellent. Thank u so much
Taylor, you are incredible, and you are doing wonderful work!
hi tay!
first of all I want to say thank you. thank you. thank you.
I've been watching your videos since last week and and I cannot put into words what an incredible resource and relief they have been for me. I got diagnosed with beginning of last year and after one and a half years of sooo much learning about myself I've found myself at the pit of burnout and in my worst shutdown since i'v stopped drinking 1+ years ago. and after years of learning about autism for professional/special interest and social circle reasons and pushing away the thought that I might be autistic every time it popped up because imposter syndrome and being mean to myself, it finally clicked last week.
I've come so far in my mental health recovery in the past couple years but I never stopped feeling broken. more like the opposite tbh. I feel like ever since I've started learning to feel my feelings and stop being dissociated (or masked) 90% of the time, life seems to have gotten so much more complex and and difficult to navigate. getting back in touch with myself, my body, my needs and emotions, I've started experiencing more sensory overload/uncomfort, periods of not wanting to/being able to speak and realizing how long it actually takes me to realize how I feel about things etc. anyway. to get to the point:
your channel, the content you make, the way you draw connections and make sense of your own experience as a late diagnosed and high masking autistic, has been one of the most helpful and reassuring resources I've come across and it feels like your experience, your content is bridging a gap between more "general" resources/knowledge about autism and my own experience as an undiagnosed /late self-realized (or self-realizing) autistic who grew up with multiply disabled family members, experiencing parentification and emotional neglect, and someone who's been masking (without noticing) almost their entire life. you helped me so much in being more sure about the dots I was connecting and I cannot thank you enough. there are many ways in which my experience differs from yours and is even more "niche"/atypical which makes it so so hard to figure it out as I am also trans and nonbinary which further complicates the gendered aspects of different "presentations" of autism.
all I can do is keep saying thank you for playing such a vital part in the early meters of this wild journey of realizing I'm autistic. realizing I'm autistic feels was the first time in my life I felt like I might actually be able to trust myself and lean on myself instead of constantly looking for reassurance and guidance in an outside. realizing I'm autistic makes the voice in my head saying "what the fuck is wrong with you" retreat. I am not broken. nothing is wrong with me. I'm just autistic and that's sooo sooo beautiful!
ok. thanks for reading. gotta take out my dog now before work.
thank you thank you thank you for your work
Thank you!!! You have help save me. Keeping making videos💙💜❤️
Wow; I have watched self-help videos nonstop for the past four years, trying to understand my career stagnancy and breakup of my marriage. I have learned about so many psychological themes that apply to my life, including CPTSD, shame, autism, ADHD, codependency, and others’ covert narcissism. But what you brought up on this video - emotional contagion - really hits the nail on the head. My mom taught me to be her emotional laundry room where she dumped literally every problem from spats with neighbors to problems she had with my dad. I now often find myself the recipient of others’ emotional laundry at work, or in other settings, and I now realize that people count on my reacting FOR them so they can avoid the repercussions. This has tanked my progress in my career and has short-circuited friendships. I now also see that I am repeating this model. I never learned to appropriately process my emotions and sometimes foist them on others to handle in the same way. Geez. It’s all so clear now! Thank you so much for this insight. I have to work on this, on both the giving and receiving ends.
When I just had to get away, I would spend whole days and evenings in the master bath with the door locked. Took my crocheting supplies and snacks and crocheted like a fiend. Ahhh 😌
I love this. So much good stuff.
I had to recently and abruptly take a break from my role as support group leader in mental health due to burnout.
My tipping point was dealing with the more than reasonable amount of texts asking if I could help them out and take on their group - or asking me again after I had said "No" the week before. These were paid people and higher ups in the organization, too.
I found it really hard to set hard boundaries in this situation due to the need for support and the amount of requests I was getting.
I am going to read the book you suggest. I decided it's time to find the things that seem to give me energy rather than take it.
I also wonder if it's easy for empaths to feel irritated by so many requests on their time and energy due to being on the spectrum. It was taking a lot of extra energy for me to just process this dynamic in that organization - and what I felt was behind it on a bigger level.
Hey I just want to thank you for posting this. I’m adhd/autisc and knew I take on others emotions but never really understood it or thought it was just me. You have really solidified that it’s not my fault and have given me verification and tools I need to project myself and my relationships I have with people. X
My FAVORITE video I’ve seen so far! This is so needed, thank you Taylor! 💕
You’re welcome Brittney!
You’re channel is so helpful to me. I’m 56 and just realized I’m on the spectrum. ❤
These videos are so helpful, I'm really glad you took the time to make and post them. I didn't have the slightest idea that I was autistic until this past year. It was like 28 years of confusion just suddenly made so much sense and a weight had been lifted off my shoulders. I think my mom always suspected that I might be but was in denial and felt that never seeking out confirmation would somehow 'make the problem go away' -though, I don't view autism as a problem, just a difference. The actual problem was not knowing and therefore not getting access to the resources that would've helped me so much. There's a certain anger in knowing how much I struggled and felt misunderstood when a simple change in perspective and approach could've made things so much more manageable. Now I have to spend a lot of time re-learning and re-understanding many facets of my life so I can finally do things in a way that fits me instead of the neurotypical framework that I had been forced into.
Thank you for the markers/list.
Absolutely! I feel like that kind of stuff helps me out so much in other videos. I know what I want/need to hear and I don't like sorting through information.
Oh thank you! Since I really an into law and order and true crime I find many believe those in the spectrum have no empathy! SMH Labels can limit people sometimes and I don’t deal in absolutes. I feel I need to correct people but I realize that can make me a target as well and people don’t like to be corrected sometimes. Ugh Life doesn’t have to be doomed and I’ve accepted who I am and feel I need to cover it up with toxic things less and less to in order to function. Thank you for the tips and being good with yourself enough to help others. Bless you. 🙏🏻❤️
Thanks so much, your videos are such a great help to me. I identified with everything you said in this one!
Hi carrie! Thanks for your comment.
I’ve been in a funk for like a week and videos like these definitely help - I find it hilarious that I too have found my way into a closet because of sensory overload countless times since childhood. Thanks for making this Tay and for answering that Q with your experiences!
Anytime!
I know this video is super old, but I am 18 and just got diagnosed w autism and been dealing with a lot of burnout mixed w overwhelming empathy so doing a bunch of research. this really spoke to me and i loved it so much. Definitely will watch more :)
Such good and appreciated tips. Thank u. I dunno how to turn off my empathy but imma try my best. I didn't realize sometime my mood change is not mine. That I am so grateful to learn today. Thank you so much. This could be life changing for me if I can work up the courage to do it . I worry very much about hurting other by not always saying yes and neglect my own needs.
I understand that. I try to remember that sometimes, taking care of others ends up hurting myself, and I'm important too. When my cup is full, I am better able to help others. And the people who love me want me to be whole.
This is the most helpful video I’ve ever watched. Thank you ❤
aww ☺️ thank you so much for letting me know! I’m very glad it was helpful to you.
I'm glad you did this topic. I literally paid for an analysis to figure out if I was an empath or narc because I have been told I don't show emotion well. I came back as an empath (wasn't too surprised because I do pick up on other people's feelings) and ironically, I'm primarily a contagion (ie I pick up on the feelings of others...haha). I definitely see an overlap with that and autism.
Your paint in my heart
I’m so so so glad I found you!! This is spot on
hi zoe! glad you're here
@@MomontheSpectrum honestly I don’t know how I came across your channel but it’s at the best time for me. You are so helpful. I feel overwhelmed by the amount of information out there so having someone hold my hand a little is really a big help right now ❤️
Totally get it. It’s a lot to process. One step at a time! And focus on deep belly breaths throughout the day to help regulate your nervous system.
Hey Tay 👋🏼 definitely am an empath, Your videos are so helpful and I send them to family because I don't have friends my one Best friend passed away few years ago we knew each other since highschool I'm 38 now she passed at 30 yrs old heart problems 🙏🏼 I send your videos so I don't have to keep explaining which is exhausting. You're doing great 👍🏼😊
thanks for the comment! so glad these videos are helpful to you
@@MomontheSpectrum you're welcome 🤗
I turned my bedroom closet into a meditation nook (it's a small closet). It still has clothes and other things in there, but I've moved stuff around in such a way it works for me. I have used my nook for meditation every morning but also for a few times when I needed to be alone. It is amazing.
Sounds heavenly!
Another great video! Thanks once again. I forwarded this on to my NT friend who I believe is an empath. I think it will be helpful for her to hear that empathy can be used as a tool and not a default response. Also, I appreciate the link and the book recommendation. I will be reading both.
Let me know what you think about the book! It's one I plan on coming back to again and again. And thanks for sharing the video with your friend + taking the time to comment. Please let me know if there are any other resources I can share to help you along your journey.
@@MomontheSpectrum will do re: the book. Actually to mask or not to mask is a hot topic on my mind these days. I know you have an upcoming video on this and I’m looking forward to your resources/ perspective on this. I just learned that I may be autistic so I currently mask any time I’m around people. In truth, I’m afraid to drop my mask. It’s been my life’s work and I’m worried even I won’t recognize my true self once I’ve let up quite a bit, as silly as that sounds. I think I just need to get to know the new me and time and grace for myself will make me more comfortable in my own skin. What has been helpful is connecting with a local support group for people on the Spectrum. When I’m at the meetings, it feels like I’m the most myself I’ve ever been in my adult life. I’m still very nervous about dropping my masks around NT people. Energetically, I’m not able to keep it up all the time any longer, so I’ll have to face this at some point. Your video will be helpful for when the time comes for me to do this as I imagine you’ll have some tips and tricks for this situation.
I just thought of a topic that I’d like to hear more on...coming to terms with the diagnosis if you’ve received one late in life. I’m pulling from some DBT techniques to help me at the moment. Things like ‘radical acceptance’ etc.
@@debz673 great perspective. love that you've found a support group. that sounds so helpful! and yeah it has felt similar to me in that i'm kind of understanding myself as a new person whenever I drop the mask. It's foreign and a little intimidating sometimes
I read an article in maybe 2007 about “toxic empathy”….when you feel other people’s emotions but have no boundaries so you take ALL that emotion on like it’s yours and it crushes you while doing nothing to help the other person. I first noticed it in 7th grade when an ambulance went by and I started sobbing to think someone was in that ambulance who was injured or dying and in pain. It was debilitating and I had to put up huge emotional walls against that sort of thing…which was exhausting at first but got a bit easier over the years. In college I noticed it was very hard to bring the emotional wall down…and it took time and effort…when I wanted to be vulnerable or intimate with someone (like a boyfriend).
accurate
Thanks a lot for this. I would ask for one clarification. Isn't it plausible that empathy is BOTH feeling other's emotions, but also RESPONDING appropriately,which is exactly what people onthe spectrum seem to struggle with.
If only this video had been around when I was in high school. The words do not exist in any language that I am aware of to explain how burnt out I was emotionally, and for this very reason. I couldn't figure out why I felt the way I did, and it didn't help that I was shoved into a giant box with 1500 other people every day. 16yo me would have very much appreciated the advice and especially the understanding. Honestly, it still feels new to me that there actually are other people on this planet who feel the same way I do (I recently became aware that I am on the spectrum)
So glad I could help shed some light on your experiences! Thanks for sharing this.
I know your title is about traits in woman but I also struggle with this to the extent I get a migraine, get run down and struggle to get out of bed.
Hi, I hope you see this. Due to trauma in my 20s my empathy shut off for survival for a good 5 years, until I was able to turn it back on again with psychotherapy. Now it's on and off on its own accord and hard for me to control it willingly. How do you turn your empathy on and off willingly? I'm hoping you can help me get a clue on how I could do it myself. Maybe it won't be by the same method because we have different nature and nurture, but it might clew me in on how to do it myself.
“…monetization doesn't start until you hit 1,000 subscribers and have 4,000 hours of watch time. I'm at 757 and 2.4K so that still feels like a long ways away”
That was back in late October, look at how far you’ve come!!! 😊🙃
🕺🏻⚡️
One idea popped into my head when you mentioned empathy. I think partly it’s a masking tool. Absorbing, analyzing, then adjusting. Applying what you can interpret. Is it real or fake when I think I feel? I don’t know for certain.
It is very important to distinguish empathy from theory of mind or what I like to think of as social relation skills, which is often characterized as ‘cognitive empathy’ and ‘affective empathy’ respectively. As what is characterized as ‘cognitive empathy’ can often be enhanced in psychopaths, who are characterized by being callous malicious motherf*ckers. Any meaningful sense of empathy ought to be thought of as including ban element of compassion, and in my experience autistic people care *deeply* about whether their actions negatively or positively affect others, and will often have very strong moral compasses (especially given how rigid we can be with consistency and then applying it to ethics) as well as stronger emotional reactions to injustice
Ugh, people pleasers. My boss is like that. She's strict, intimidating, and opinionated to the workers who upset her, but in front of the dear guests, she's all sweet and caring. Pa-THETIC. If they knew what she said to me that made me feel incompetent. She practically called me an idiot.
I can see why she works a lot of weddings and wedding receptions.
Sometimes I feel the stuff people feel inside so much more than their outward mask so I'll feel like they're lying to me
An empath is a person who does not have healthy emotional borders and may have alexythemia and has feelings vicariously through others that they dont feel or recognize in themselves when its appropriate.
Lol my family calls me the hermit crab because I never come out of my room
I think I may be an empathic autistic woman.
My big tech employer has been laying off people since late last year, with no timeline for that stopping, despite record profits, even though growth has slowed. I wonder how much I've been feeling (then dumping into Teams meetings with my team, not all sitting nearby are in my team) hasn't been mine? I've felt this sort of thing before at an employer where things got to where to me, it felt like you could cut the dread, fear with a knife: I don't know if that was just me or not.
I'm in burnout right now, suffering from extremely bad insomnia for over 3 weeks straight: I'm both amazed and horrified how much capacity and functionality I have with so little sleep, and wondering how much damage I'm doing to function like this, as everything has a price. Sadly, I don't currently have an option to step away from work right now, but, I do have the option to work from home as an accommodation and part of the office policy, if I give up my permanent desk in the open office environment that is horror in the senses.
Reminds me of the safety rule on planes,parents need to put oxygen masks on themselves so they can better help their kids
I feel masking is beneficial for if someone has purposely hurt you and, you're masking that pain by not giving them the satisfaction of them watching you suffer 😘 .....
I've being in a situation like that just recently where, I was cut- off without warning just totally ghosted; that person wanting nothing to do with me anymore♡♡ ..
It hurt cause I know I'm a individual of very pure- intensions and, just treat people decently always. I'm really understanding of a person's situation and fair, which it..
Feels- like they used my good- nature against me, just for their own personal- gain♡♡ I never treat others how they treat me; I'm a really careful thought out person.....
Where no matter how unkind someone might be, I never retaliate or lash- out I just take things, but I will walk away if it's a threat to my emotional- stability but I won't be..
Mean; or anything like that
Taylor, does an Empath take an angry emotion as well?
I had been thinking I had some autistic traits. But I am an empath and most references don't talk about autistic people being empathic so I was not sure. I have had some childhood trauma and was unsure if the traits I was noticing were from the abuse or if I was always autistic.
Emotional contagion.
I'm empathic to humans, but interestingly, I'm moreso with animals
One thing that I feel would be beneficial is for you to experiment with making shorts as UA-cam is pressing that content hard algorithmically to compete with TikTok.
Thanks for this! I always try to make my videos shorter and end up talking waaaay longer than I intended. Hahaha. Something to experiment with I guess!
@@MomontheSpectrum The longform content is AWESOME, don't change a thing about that but UA-cam now has snippet style videos which they are pushing called "shorts." Here's an older video covering that content: ua-cam.com/video/76eH2Nlmlzg/v-deo.html
Thanks!
O wow. Are you saying that we are supposed to actually keep our own mood while talking to another person? This does not sound normal to me, I am never able to do that. My mood completely shifts with environment.
no not necessarily saying that... my mood shifts with my environment too