46 Phrases That Upset Autistic Brains
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- Опубліковано 14 лис 2024
- In this video I'm sharing 46 phrases and questions that generally upset autistic individuals. This list is not intended to be used for diagnostic purposes and is just a fun way to explore life on the autism spectrum.
🎥 You can watch Part 2 of this series here: • 8 More Phrases That Up...
Is there another phrase you're thinking of that wasn't on the list? I'd love to read about it in the comments. 👇
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DISCLAIMER: Taylor Heaton is not a licensed psychologist or specialist healthcare professional. Her services do not replace the care of psychologists or other healthcare professionals. Please note that Taylor can’t take any responsibility for the results of your actions, nor any harm or damage you suffer as a result of the use, or non-use of the information available through her website, UA-cam Channel, or social media accounts. Please use judgment and conduct due diligence before taking any action or implementing any plan or practice suggested or recommended by Taylor Heaton or Mom on the Spectrum. Please note that Taylor doesn't make any guarantees about the results of the information you may apply from her website, UA-cam channel, and/or social media accounts. Taylor shares educational and informational resources that are intended to help you succeed in navigating life as an autistic adult. You nevertheless need to know that your outcome will be the result of your own efforts, your particular situation, and innumerable other circumstances beyond Taylor's knowledge and control. Taylor is an Amazon affiliate and may receive commissions on qualifying purchases from affiliate links. Taylor is a Flare affiliate and may receive commissions on qualifying purchases from Flare links.
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You are a beautiful person worthy of love!
#latediagnosedautistic #momonthespectrum #autisticadult
Timestamps for you Tay. Thanks for this vid - I feel sooooo not alone!
2:31
1. Tell me a little bit about yourself.
3:03
2. Can you give me an example?
3:40
3. Because I said so!
3:57
4. That's just how it is.
4:10
5. What have you been up to?
4:30
6. Don't worry about it.
5:10
7. Brave is on a scale of 1 to 10
5:38
8. Do you see the big picture or focus on the small details?
6:01
9. Fake it till you make it.
6:21
10. How's it goin' / What's up?
6:44
11. Absolute expressions such as always or never.
7:15
12. We should get together sometime.
7:37
13. Where do you see yourself in five years?
7:54
14. What is the book you're reading about / what was the movie about?
8:17
15. You'll just know.
8:21
16. You'll figure it out by yourself / it's pretty self explanatory.
9:00
17. What's your favourite.....anything?
9:18
18. I'm so proud of you.
9:48
19. What do you want to do / eat / want?
11:10
20. You're awfully quiet.
11:26
21. Happy Birthday.
11:43
22. Just do it.
12:29
23. Inspired by true events / based on a true story.
12:46
24. Smile!
13:15
25. How would you evaluate your performance?
13:43
26. We're in town, can we stop by?
13:58
27. Would you listen?
14:16
28. How was your week / weekend?
14:47
29. What's new?
14:54
30. Why are you doing it that way?
15:24
31. Are you excited?!
15:39
32. How's this weather huh?
15:47
33. Would you rather....?
15:56
34. What are you thinking about?
16:35
35. No pain, no gain.
17:02
36. Neurospicy.
17:22
37. A touch of the 'tism.
17:33
38. Idioms / play it by ear.
18:09
39. Don't be so dramatic / you're too sensitive.
18:39
40. Everyone is a little autistic.
18:47
41. Have you tried meditation?
19:39
42. How can I help you?
19:54
43. Just a little longer / it'll only take a second.
20:05
44. Swearing / cursing.
20:29
45. Why can't you act normal?
20:35
46. How are you?
Wonderful!! Thank you so much for doing this @jakstrak
I’m sooo grateful that you made this timestamp list! I wasn’t sure that my autistic brain could handle hearing all 46 sequentially without exploding in frustration (from thinking about the things on the list!). Being able to skim the list and “be ready” for each was Sooo Helpful!! 🌸✨
Wow this was so sweet 😊
These lists are the BEST!
-AuDHDer
"How about a hug?"
How about no, creepy relative I haven't spoken to in 5 years?
That was funny. “Where do you see yourself in five years.” -“I don’t know I don’t know where I see myself in five minutes “ 😂😂😂❤
Yeah. I hate it when this is asked on job interviews! I get that it’s for the employer to see whether you want to progress in the job ladder like for a leadership role, but what if you really don’t know or don’t care?! Yet, if your honest answer is not any clear vision, you may not get the job because of it or among other ways you may answer these ridiculous questions! At least I’m not trying to go back to playing that game anymore, as rare as it was for me.
"I don't even know if I'll be alive in 5 years!"
I’m not a psychic. Is being clairvoyant a requirement for this position? - is what would probably be crossing my mind if asked that question.
I actually love “where do you see yourself in 5 years” because I love detailed planning and I love seeing potential pathways for achieving dreams. But this doesn’t work for job interviews because they don’t want this level of detail where I bust out my spreadsheets 😅
I noticed I didn’t like this question almost 40 years ago. I still don’t like it.
"I'll drop by sometime tomorrow."
Seriously, eff all the way off basically you've doomed me to a whole day obsessing over what that means (today) and an unknown percentage of tomorrow obsessing over what it means WHILE staring at the front door and hearing every, tiny sound in existence because now, without permission, my ears are listening for you.
The WORST.
Ughhh that’s absolute torture when someone invites themselves into my space out of nowhere.
@@elizabethmcmurray968 Yes! The WIDE window of time... where I can't start doing anything lengthy because I might get interrupted at any time! That is the worst. I've come to just use it as an opportunity to do a bunch of small/short tasks while I'm waiting.
And if they show up at least it had a minimum sense.
Yeah. And even if you manage to get your friends and family on the same page, there are still times where you will need a plumber or electrician or something, and nearly everyone within those professions operate on a different plane of existence where time does not matter as a social construct for some reason lol
@@elizabethmcmurray968 I completely relate to this, plus the fact of having your autistic child asking you: mom, when are our friends coming? They said they'll come...
“What are you thinking?” My favorite answer is a line from Married With Children: “If I wanted everyone to know I’d be talking instead of thinking.”
I think thats a nice question giving us a chance to speak up when frozen if we wish.
If you've met one autistic person.....
BA-DUM-TSS!!! This is legit one of the best responses to give to that question, I am disappointed that I'm only just now remembering it being said on that show and now I'm mentally re-watching sequences where it was said.
With a line like that, you have to be a bit mindful of how you say it if you don't intend to offend the person you're responding to.
The minute someone asks me what I'm thinking, I instantly forget what I was thinking about.
Wow. I’m a neurotypical elementary teacher who watches videos about autism spectrum perspectives so I can be a better teacher to more students. I had no idea so many of these questions were so awful for some people in my life. Thank you.
Thank you for caring and for shaping young minds❤
You’re awesome 🌟
Oh gosh. Your comment made me teary. When I was diagnosed in my 50s, I was suddenly saddened by the ways in which my little kid self's needs were so unmet, especially at school. A teacher like you could have changed so many things for me and my classmates on the spectrum. You're fantastic!
yes! I'm also a teacher (+ only just recently diagnosed with ADD) but I am grateful for ways to be more accomodating for some of my students!
Thank you for educating yourself on this. Wish more teachers would. I have a cousin who’s been a special education teacher for 30 years & she STILL doesn’t know what she should & doesn’t believe neither my daughter nor myself are autistic because she denies the truths especially about female. I’ve struggled with ALL these questions my entire life! I absolutely need to know the WHY’S and it’s really hard in the workplace because managers or whoever don’t want to explain the why’s & they don’t even believe me when I tell them autistic because mine’s so mild & I don’t “appear” to be autism.This is exactly why I failed those personality tests they used to give during pre employment. I need more information because there’s too many variables in everything.
“Just be yourself.”
But…I don’t know who that is.
@@funniful My sister has told me for years that I take on the characteristics of whatever friend I’m with at the moment, saying she doesn’t know who I am. Well me neither.
@@Sharon_54-w6u I do this too and I've always done it. I find it exceptionally difficult when mutual friends then meet each other and we're all together. I'm like "who should I be?"
@@MEver316 I understand.
EXACTLY!!!!! So much this. And I have a good friend that tells me this all the time. What if I tell her, I *am* being myself!
I don’t mask well at all and I can tell you that being yourself is almost universally a bad idea. Yeah, being myself means talking about my favorite stuff or talking about nothing. I’m pretty sure most people would not be happy with either of those.
My Dad went to the doctor, and the doctor asked him about his pain level by saying, "Pain?" My Dad said, "No thanks." It's one of my favorite things my Dad ever did.
I read this twice and then laughed uncontrollably 😅
At first I thought he didn't want to discuss the pain. Second I realized he answered literally 😂
I'm ADHD...suspected autistic too... currently discussing with therapist(for reference)
My humor just isn't funny to most people because what's funny to me never crossed their mind.
😂
@estherj.walker8658 this is the story of my life, especially in my teens.
😂😂😂😂😂
Zero stars wouldn't recommend haha
I always loved Mitch Hedberg's response to "Where do you see yourself in 5 years?" question. "Celebrating the 5th anniversary of you asking me this question"
Hahaha I love this!
😂🤣Wow, that's hilarious; I'm rolling!
@@MomontheSpectrumso do I!
Yes 100%❤
It turns out that asking the question back to the interviewer can tell you so much about a company! 😂
“You’re a survivor. “ It makes me feel like something that washed up on the beach .
😂😂😂 I so agree 👍
I’d rather no one knew what I’ve survived.
It bugs me when people say people have survived things that don't actually kill people. I believe that people think in terms of going from "victim" to "survivor", so the former state is one of being defined by what you've gone through, and the latter is rising above it.
But still, if you've been victimised then you're a victim, and if something doesn't kill people then you haven't survived it.
It's hard not to understand that statement as anything other than s*ck it up buttercup.
Yes Kristalpotter,
"You're a survivor is so cliched and condescending.
"We need to talk." or any unscheduled or unpredictable meetings.
Ahh I think one stresses EVERYONE out, that usually means something urgent and something you do not want to hear.
A great opportunity for some form of brain freeze!
Hate that
"We need to talk."
"Then talk."
"..."
"... Is this actually important, or could it be a text or email?"
"I mean-"
"Send it to me."
"..."
"I'll read it when I finish tag outs. I *need* to focus on this."
"Oh... uh... cool yeah. I'll send it uh... later... Hey, did you see-"
"Probably not. Tag outs."
"Right."
Austin was one of my better work center supervisors. He was also a movie buff who actually understood most of my offhand references. I hated seeing him get rotated out.
Instant stress with that one.
"You need to go out more and make friends". Socialising is the most stressful and exhausting thing for me and I am not myself, but act for the public in the way I think is expected.
I had a few friends in high school and afterwards found more friends with working retail. It was easier the older I got. Still need my me time. My mom is really cool cause she knew most of my friends growing up were guys since I listen to metal and played video games.
Is this even a thing people do? Like how would you go about doing it?
Is "making friends" even a thing you can do internationally?
This right here!
@@sanny8716 I'm currently in this same dilemma! After high school and years I'm down to 3 friends and for work none of them live anywhere near me. My closest friend in Texas I'm in Ohio, and she is great when she visits Ohio always makes time for me, but really she has small kids. I'm not going to burden her with the expectation to take time away from them. They are a billion times more important. So outside of a few Hope you are doing well thinking of you. Months between the time we speak, which is fine.
My other friends just busy doing their own life stuff I assume. When we do link up always pleasant. I wouldn't have even noticed, but my son just left the next and it made me recognize (stay at home mom) that I literally on a regular basis talk to 2 people.
I don't want like expectation to leave my home to go socialize. I don't really like that. Not a go drink wine type lady, but should outside support be something I should do? How do you even make friends at my age? Like your comment How? Implied!
ugg I hate that I so got you on that one
“You’re overthinking this.” 💔💔💔
Spectrum types ALWAYS overthink things. So yeah, thanks for the scoop
I mean, I’m either doing one of two things when I’m “overthinking things”. I’m either reaching a conclusion, in which case, I’m not overthinking things at all, or I’m not reaching a conclusion, in which case I’m actually still underthinking. Perhaps the person asking was underthinking as well. But I’d generally advise against suggesting that to them unless you don’t care about the outcome.
I hate this, because I KNOW IM OVERTHINKING it! It just feels that if I thought any simpler I would be UNDERthinking it. THERE IS NO IN BETWEEN TO ME.
All the time and I’m ADHD
No I am not. You are UNDER thinking it! I hate this one too.
One day, my son asked me how long we would be (in a place he'd rather not be), and I said "no longer than 15 minutes." He responded with "thank you for giving me a number." I didn't realize how often I'd say "just a little longer" or something equally non-committal, but just giving him a number makes a huge difference for him. Thanks so much for doing this one!
"Can you do _____ soon?"
I don't know, how soon is soon? In 5 minutes? By the end of the day? By the end of the month? Next year?
Yes! Give me quantifiable data, please.
One of the worst ones for me is "Life's not fair". And that mainly upsets me because it usually comes from a person who has the power or authority to make something fair but chooses not to.
Also I like it when someone says they're proud of me, though less so when they're proud of me for something I don't really do or believe, or get details wrong.
Exactly!
I think that's very well said. That tired line has always been uttered to me by unpassionate people--my mother--to make up for a lack of understanding or interest to try.
Totally! Getting the details/nuance wrong. When they are using their own value system on something I did and seeing it through that lens, and then appreciating that. I can feel this when parents point out great things their kids do- that they themselves trained into them to value, so they are just following through with the parents likes, ultimately. Also the proud one is tricky for me because it feels like it puts them in a certain position to be able to set a standard or something?
@@MinimallyMichele Oh yeah that makes sense. Someone praising me for their own value system doesn't feel right. And yeah when I am forced to do something extremely uncomfortable or scary, and someone says they're proud of me for it, that can be scary too since to me it might mean they expect me to do that thing more and won't be happy if I don't want to do it again.
@@mystbunnygaming1449 Totally! I feel that too. "don't expect this from me again even if you liked it."
Self diagnosed at approximately 77 years old, I now have stage three dementia. Trying to sort all of the issues is difficult. Each of these phrases have given me anxiety throughout my life. The best thing that ever happened to me is discovering that I am an aspie. Free at last.
❤ to you ❤
Fight that Dementia! It could be reversible with lowering your insulin resistance. At least you're online and can research this. 🎉
I didn’t know you can still be that self-aware in stage 3 dementia. My grandma is going through it too and can’t be on her own anymore, plus she’s very frail as a 97-year-old. Someone ALWAYS has to be with her. I don’t know just stage she’s in exactly, but it’s more advanced than yours. She even forgets sometimes who I am. Hope you’re going through this as comfortably as possible ❤️🙏
I am sad and so happy for you. Free at last nails it, right? I was (officially) diagnosed shy before my 34th birthday. I researched it for around 1-2 years at that point. I always said "I lit up like a christmas tree in the tests". I had really high test results and she was baffled, why I wasn't diagnosed before
70 here, right there with ya, doing my damnedest to keep the dementia at bay.
And discovering the presence of autism was the most life altering diagnosis i have ever gotten. it's like having a large puzzle in front of you with hundreds of open spaces or pieces missing and someone covers the puzzle with hundreds of small semi-transparent beads that fill in all the blanks that you could never find an answer for. Suddenly everything from childhood forward makes sense.
"Change of plans..." and "it's a surprise" are both heartstopping phrases. No, I need to be pre-prepared!!!!
Exactly several days in advance
Another thing that’s annoying damn sirens and alarms
Tai chi is awesome
Depends on the context
This!! My whole body and brain shouts NO!
OMG my mom was the queen of "because I said so" and it used to enrage me. This list was so helpful.
@@SharrellKline lol. What's wrong with that???!!!! Lol.
"You need to relax" has been one of my triggers. (For context, I am AuDHD).
I was shocked this one wasn't on the list, it's so triggering for me
I know. It's such an insult.
Internally: I have just finished telling you I have an anxiety disorder, and this is your response???!!!??
I usually disclose that I have an anxiety disorder, what it can look like in my behaviour, and how I (and they can help me) deal with it, to my direct manager. It usually helps with communication issues, unless you have an @R$3 like my current boss who decides that means 'mentally incompetent'. AFTER telling me to relax 🤬🤬
My brain just went apoplectic at this one! Oh yes!!!
Another way of saying this that I’m often told is to “calm down.” Being told to calm down will not get me to calm down! No matter how many times I tell someone this very clearly that it doesn’t help, they still do it! Why 😖?!?!
So- "How the interview process is designed to root out neurodivergent individuals" got it 😅😭
Those questions are horrid... but you know before going to the interview that you will be asked them. So PREPARE your answers. Do the work beforehand. Know the examples you will give. Practice your answers. That's what people DO.
I do hate those styles of I terviews and I struggle in the prep but you feel so much better when you do, even if you don't pull it off so well in the interview. You need to show respect to the job amd company you're going to and prepare. All ppl need to do this it isnt about divegent/typical
@@HumanimalChannel So, usually it actually goes really well for me. Thankfully I've been blessed with what you might.. autistic rizz (You'll have to pardon me if that's a bit of a self-report)- but either way.
If and when I'm good, things go really really really well. But the second I get off my game it's like a dive bomb.
So, in the spirit of that.. Yes I will wholeheartedly agree in that rehearsal is a way to ease a bit of that anxiety.. My trouble is getting myself into the headspace where it flows like water.
(That is to say, _after_ I lose a job to mental health struggles- But that's a whole other story)
@@HumanimalChannel I need to prepare for my answers? Why? Why can't I just give my own authentic answers? Being real with certain questions that aren't easily answered? And I am very aware of why you're saying this, but then you're preparing yourself for a masked version of you, in order to give others, in this case a potential job giver, what they want to hear and see. And that is exactly not what I want. 😊
Interviewer: "Where do you see yourself in five years?" My sarcastic (and mostly true) answer: "I'll be five years closer to retirement."
@@deejayshaun Ayy- I like your kit, what's the marker?
"Just be yourself" is a phrase that makes no sense to me. There are people that AREN'T themselves? how do I be myself if what I'm doing right now isn't myself???
Ironically, I really like explaining why I do things a certain way, usually I have a lengthy reason and categorization and prioritization of the ways something can be done. After about 2 sentences they regret asking me.
"Just be yourself" works great... if a) you know who in the world m 'yourself' is and what 'being yourself' means and b) 'yourself' is within the bounds of what's considered socially acceptable. Which, for me, it's sometimes one but rarely both.
It's logical, no? It means act how you would act if you don't think about it, or you can take it as "don't think, just act".
Don't be yourself around nt ppl .. you'll regret it. Esp at work
@@arab6745There are people who can act without thinking, and that’s a great skill/ ability. But there are some people who are thinking/ worrying/ stressing from the time they wake up to the time they fall asleep.
@@phoebebaker1575 I know, I'm one of those people.
“Don’t worry about it.” got me. My friend, I’m still worrying about things I did/said 40+ years ago!
"Don't worry about it."
Gosh, I never considered that! Thanks! I suppose I can also just not have a broken leg, or not be hungry, or not have this zit on my nose, and these things will magically just self-heal!
Omg, omg. I think so much i don't sleep..for hours.
If only you/ I/ we could have done X different on said day.
For me, the worst thing for someone to say to me is- calm down! If I'm upset, telling me to "calm down" will get me to instantly melt down.
Yes. Why don't more people get that?
or upset as in crying, people telling me to collect myself is NOT HELPING. I am allowed to cry, its an emotion. Oh and I cannot talk when I am crying, therefore when someone asks why are you crying or are you ok, or what is wrong? I just cannot answer until I am ready.
Ugh. The guys who say this (and they're almost always guys, talking to a woman) are the ones teasing, belittling, condescending, talking over you, basically treating you like garbage. And then they're oh so surprised that you don't like it!
You want me to calm down? Stop ticking me off! I wouldn't be upset if you weren't being a jerk!
100%!
And if I'm not upset, it's gonna make me upset!
To help those with interviews with the "where do you see yourself in 5 years" question lol. An answer I always give that is always well received is "I've learned not to try and have too solid of an idea of where I want to be in the future. Life always brings unexpected opportunities. I just want to be happy with what I'm doing everyday and knowing I make a difference".
Good answer. I'll be using that one in the future. Thanks
@@katerailey524 of course 🤗
THAT'S BRILLIANT
Wow! That is a really great response! I’m going to remember that one. Thank you so much! ❤
@@lukaslykus9599 happy to help!
This is the first time I've heard the term "fear of being perceived," but I totally get that. When I was little I always got physically ill anytime I knew there was going to be attention on me. So like, birthdays, graduations, anything like that. I was sick on my birthday literally every year. If it was just a little attention, I managed. Like when I was part of the choir. But if I was the center of attention, I couldn't handle it. I was a very gifted singer in elementary school, and I kept getting assigned solos, so I was kind of like "the star" of the choir, which sounds conceited but that's how it was. I had to quit because of it.
I'm the exception because I'm autistic and I like to be the center of attention! I definitely get excited when my birthday is coming!
What I find as awful as being the center of attention is being accused of trying to be the center attention! No ffs I am NOT!!!
I can relate to the choir, I couldn't sing very well, at least I don't think so, but I looked pretty in my choir-dress, and the choir-leader always wanted me in the first row. An absolute nightmare.
I so identify with this!
I swear! "How are you?", especially when I'm not feeling good can send me straight into meltdown! Exactly like you said: "Do they actually want to know? Is it safe for me to open up? If I say I'm fine, will I have to keep acting fine as long as they are around?"
I usually respond with "Oh well, you know...." and then just trail off. It almost physically hurts to say "Fine, thanks" when I'm not (or even when I am). I just hate how fake it all is...nobody really wants to know how you are, so it's a completely pointless question/social norm.
As a non autistic neurodivergent I recently started replying to that question by just mentioning a thing I am doing or just did that day. It works.
Like “I’m cooking pasta tonight” or “I started working on a new project today” or something.
@@letsrock1729 this is exactly how I feel. When I was depressed it was just a constant reminder that I was supposed to perform happiness for the sake of some social norm, and I started to distrust that anyone actually cared how I was.
@@umbriel6525 "Perform happiness" is exactly it.
Has anyone tried "Dunno, really" (shrug).? Pity one can't say "how do you want me to be?". That's too close to the point.
"Why can't you act normal?" - "Because I'm not." That usually shuts things down pretty quickly - and if it doesn't, it's an interesting conversation starter. Obviously, that only works if you're comfortable talking about neurological differences, the double empathy problem and what they actually mean in practice... It has become my favorite answer to that particular question, though.
I tend to get this from my mom while I'm mid meltdown (usually from her already triggering me). I've gotten better at trying to disengage the conversation before it gets to that point, but sometimes there's a lot of persistence on her end and i just react/explode at her at some point
@@HayLeesHomeMade Expecting someone to play an act for your own comfort when they're already in a bad spot is both unreasonable and unrealistic. If anyone is unwilling to accept that and make an honest effort to show it, that's just outright toxic behavior (which is unfortunately somewhat common). Dealing with that kind of person is always tricky, especially if they're family - and worse still if you depend on that person to some extent.
Just say, "I was just trying to relate to you." Then move on with the conversation. If you act hurt, you can become a target. Find a humorous response to diffuse the situation.
My answer to that question wouldn't even be confined to one response. First, because I don't identify as an actor and second what even is normal? Do you want me to act like Norman? What do you want from me?
I saw a bumper sticker years ago with a good addition to Because I’m not:
Normal People Scare Me
We often memorize scripts to handle inane questions. When someone says, “What’s up?”, my autistic husband says, “Stiff d**ks and airplanes and I’ve got neither.”
Every. Time. Doesn’t matter who’s asking.
I think the same because English is my second language.
In junior high, kids used to say, "about 5'7"...referencing their current height. lol
That's my answer to "what're you up to?" About 5'8" lol@@le_th_
When I was a kid, I'd always just say "clouds".
GREAT ANSWER!!! LMAO
Number 14: I was reading a book while my son was getting prepped for a medical procedure. His nurse walked up to me and asked, "What are you reading?" I looked at her, looked down at the book, and turned it over to read the spine because the title had completely left my mind.
I would be tempted to promptly reply, "A book." 😂
"Well, the moment I started answering you the answer became nothing. Because I can't read and talk at the same time."
I never said that, but it is really hard to shift attention from a book to a person, so the process for me is 1) Read 2) hear something 3) Vaguely register that the person is speaking to me. 4) Shift attention away from my book, to the question. 5) Interpret question and realize it is about book. 6) Mentally find a thing to say about book. 7) Answer question.
@@seqkatwinn2766 I've done that accidently a few times. When I see their expression I double back and am like OH SORRY yeah, I'm reading blah blah blah...
@@DeadPixelZombie it's what comes natural to us to literally answer the question honestly! 😄
At work, I was reading and a colleague asked what I was reading and I read out the sentence I was at in the book, she thought it was funny, luckily.
I conceal my birthday (date) from everyone (except direct family who already know) because I detest office birthday parties, friends saying "but we must do something, it's your birthday", acquaintances wishing me happy birthday. Not diagnosed, now 60yo, but this all makes so much sense now...
I copied my dad's saying: 'A birthday is no accomplishment, ere you are well past the average lifespan, come back, when I'm 100.'
I "faked it till I made it" for more than three decades, and it resulted in me crashing and entering a severely depressed state that has lasted almost two years and counting.
Also, I was never even close to "making it" 😂
Absolutely. I was thinking just before I read this that for me it is "Fake it until... I don't know because faking it has been my whole life."
Literally still over here waiting on the “make it” part 🤔
Same here, now I have walls so high almost no one can see in and a mask that’s impossible to take off unless I’m alone.
Duuuude me to!
I hate that phrase because I cannot lie. So I never fake it and feel that someone is incredibly dishonest when I discover they have lied. I do realize many NT people do not consider this to by lying.
About "Have you tried meditation?"
Yes, I have! Every time I'm standing on one leg, holding my hands in this awkward position, and staring into empty space, I am meditating.
We (autistic people) call it stimming, and we do it all the time. It's you (allistic people) who call it awkward or irritating and want us to stop it.
I wish I could upvote this 100 times. When I learned what meditation really is 8 years ago my first reaction was "I've naturally been doing this my whole life" Now I just do it more intentionally and more often 🧘
Exactly!
Good answer.
“Meditation”, as most people put it, has been shown to be dangerous to people with traumas and other issues.
I'm glad you bring this up, it's not really not talked about enough. I did a 10 day retreat of vipassana some years ago and the teacher couldn't comprehend when I was telling them this wasn't at all for my benefit and well-being.
At the end I refused to take part in the classes and wanted to leave. I didn't meditate after that for some years and will nowadays only do that when I feel it's beneficial but I only do short meditation. The intense meditation at the retreat sent me into extreme sensory overload sensitivity and i wasn't able to sleep and instead of calming me down it made me more hyper. Also i became even more aware of everything happening in my surroundings and felt like i was amongst people but I was so very different from them... It was painful. As they spoke I for instance "saw" their words coming out of their mouth as different forms of energy and inauthentic, it kind of freaked me out. I ve tried tai chi and found it being more helpful harmonizing my energy.
I’m 64 and watching these videos allow me to see that I need a formal diagnosis. But most of all…I’m not losing my mind. I’m understanding that what I feel/think are quite normal for someone with autism. If only I knew this sooner, I could have taken more action to accommodating my needs and not mask so much. Thank you for all the effort to put into your videos.
I’m 61 and freeze at the thought of mentioning it to anyone family or doctor and getting it brushed off.
57 and just started down the road.........on the nhs, help is a long wait. The best way to liberate yourself, is watch videos like this, and learn to empower yourself, through the validation of fellow experts etc.....when we are so late to the party, we have soooo much baggage, but having help from like minded individuals, we can unpack it at our own pace.
@@deb7844 same. No one seems to take me seriously, so why bother. Same with pain.
I'm 63. I can't believe this is happening. So many times I needed accommodation but no help was coming. So many bad decisions because I struggle to pivot. So many mistakes because I didn't know who I was and still am.
@@leahhuddleston3677 I'm so sorry you are feeling this way. From what I've heard, learning this late in life (either by diagnosis by a doctor or self-diagnosis) feel as though life would have been so different had they known. It is a stage of grief. I think the next frustrating part is when we inform friends/family and they think we are not because we don't "look" autistic. Some of us have learned to mask very well and can do well at their jobs, but at the end of the day feel so depleted that it comes out when we are home. I'm seeing that I've learned to accommodate myself and am now reading a lot and listening to many UA-cam videos. I can now understand more clearly why I do the things I do and why it is so important--it is more than a "quirk".
When people ask what the book or movie was about they are asking what generally happens in it, but most works of any remote value have an underlying subtext that goes beyond what simply happens on the surface making it hard to formulate and translate into words.
"i'm proud of you" can be a pretty loaded phrase. for me personally, i love hearing it. no one's been proud of me since i was like 5, so hearing it as an adult, from my partner, when i truly have put in a lot of effort to accomplish something difficult, is actually very helpful to me.
Idk if it make sense what I feel: Hearing it from your partner = You know my struggles and I am so happy that you see progress !
Hearing it from anyone else = NOOO ! Stop. lol... Why you are even proud? ain't that a bit creepy? Suddenly I feel like my whole life has been stalked by a stranger LOL !
I know the feeling, took me until I was 20 before my parents gave any sort of praise like that it really screws you up and butchers your self-confidence. They’re better now but it feels like they were only proud of me once I started acting like an adult.
My massage therapist, who is the sweetest, most gentle human on earth, told me last week she was proud of me for working on my pain triggers. I don’t think anyone has ever said “I’m proud of you” to me before. The tears just flowed…
I take it as an insult if someone says they're proud of me. I feel belittled. What sort of person did they think I was before I did the thing that made them proud of me? Someone who didn't live up to their expectations?
@@kate_vye810 yeah it's weird from a stranger.
I hate when I'm asked if I have plans for the weekend. If I tell them what I actually plan to do, they might want to join me. (I don't want that), but if I say I don't have plans, they might invite me to something (which I also don't want).
Tell them you have a doctor appointment. Then see how long it takes them to ask how you always have doctor appointments on the weekends.
😂🤣😂🤣😂👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼♥️♥️♥️♥️. It’s taken me many, many years to learn I can just say “Yes” without telling people what I am going to be doing. Less is more when it comes to providing information about myself.
I just answer "Oh, I have been really busy and stressed lately, so I am taking the whole weekend to veg out and relax by myself." They can't really invite themselves to that (if they tried you can politely say no and everyone else would understand) and if they invite you to do something (because they were going to anyway), you now have a polite excuse and can say you may be free in a few weeks to do a little something (like a lunch or tea time in 1-2 weekends, at a specific time frame with a "I have to leave by x time"). That way you aren't "rude" by declining, you aren't lying (I am assuming you are stressed and do need/want time to yourself) and you still keep the door open for a small planned event with enough time to not feel last minute and stressful and a specific timeframe so you don't have all that stress from waiting or planning or staying too long. I typically have Saturday 11-1 for my go to start time, and three hours the max length. I just tell people that is the time I try to keep free for friend stuff on the regular. If they have a different time, they need to give me extra time to plan.
I say I don’t know yet or I am too busy.
Do like going to events. I love events that have music or art. I go with my husband or group of friends I trust. Same with Black Friday. It’s so crazy that day. I love going but not alone.
@@annieclaire2348"Less is more (...) information about myself."
So I take it that you don't have a problem with "oversharing"...
#12, “We should get together sometime,” is Still super hard for me (I’m in my 50s!) because people often say it as a social courtesy without any actual intention to follow through. Meanwhile, if I like you, I’d actually Like to get together…!🤔
Exactly!
Yes it’s a very confusing phrase. It’s hard for me to determine what anybody actually means by it. Do they want to? Are they being nice? What’s the proper response?
…and I’m over here biting my lip trying not to blurt out, “You don’t really ever intend to get together with me, do you!”
@@funniful YES!! If I’m certain they actually don’t want to (sometimes it’s obvious), I hate feeling like I’m “letting them get away with the pretense.” Just, like, don’t even say then…
Me: knowing damn well we aren’t going to get together and yet somehow stressing at the possibility that we might.
How would you evaluate your performance? This one grates on me to no end. The new trend of writing in my performance review is excruciating. You're the boss, you can tell what I did this year, just give me my raise.
"Tell me a little bit abt yourself"
Well that depends on which persona I wish to present to you.
Do I want to be the diva?
The tomboy?
The sweetheart proverbs 31 woman?
There are so many sides to me that I have available to make myself socially acceptable. Pick whichever mask you like. I have plenty.
"Tell me a little bit about yourself" - I had to do that just last week. I spent the time until my turn internally rehearsing what I was going to say, so it wouldn't be completely awkward when it was my turn to speak.
I do that every time, too, and hope like crazy that I'm not picked to "share" first/early as I'll never be ready!
@@alisonwhite9588 This is the reason I avoid going to group activities like church, gym activities, and most of all class reunions.
So many times this has happened to me too
And the meanest thing is: You cannot concentrate to the answeres of the others. That's why I volunteer to go first, then I stall a bit and keep it short. And I already have a script for that: "I am an AuDHD mom of twins, I am an illustrator for childrens books and I love to read" that satisfies pretty much every nt. Depending on the situation I add stuff like "I am 34 years old" or "I studied German, History and Archeology" something like that
I did this once when we had a round of introductions, and I ended up saying the previous person's name instead of my own. And this was in the army, it was my first day with the newcomers and this is the first impression they had. Not only that, while I was correcting myself, a staff member barged in and said that "Okay, it's getting late so let's call it a day" and I didn't even frigging get to tell anything about myself. Army was not a great place for me, and I always felt out of place (even if I actually did quite well there in different evaluations etc. eventually). Only two decades later I started to really realize why when I have been discovering my autism.
My bigger trigger is „Let’s stay friends”, cause in my experience it has never felt as a genuine proposition of a friendship on their side, while I tried hard to figure out borders of that friendship. So now I just ask „what do you understand as friendship? Cause I need to know exactly what you’re proposing”. Saves me some mental health :)
Yop totally ! Worst is with exes.... who totally want to stay besties but then say I'm to clingy (not physically, but like, wanting to much contact, aka 5-6 times a week)
No wonder I burnout so fast when working in an office! So many of these are how you’re expected to interact with coworkers all day.
A lot of the phrases like "how are you" made a lot more sense when I learned about phatic expressions, where certain groups of words together form an expression that means something other than the literal words that make it up.
Some examples:
"How are you": "Hello. I acknowledge your presence. I am friendly and being polite. Now is your time to communicate nonverbally how you feel if you like as I try to understand whether you are friendly and polite as well."
"One sec": "I am actively making an effort to be with you." The actual length of time you can expect to wait depends on context.
"You're welcome": "I acknowledge/appreciate your gratitude", "I shouldn't have had to help you", or "you forgot to express gratitude" depending on tone and context. Does not necessarily literally mean that you are welcome to their help in the future.
"Any time": means the same as "You're welcome". Almost never literally means "any time".
"No worries": "I forgive you". Can also mean the same as "You're welcome".
"All the time": frequently. Not necessarily constantly.
Also, especially with greetings, the phatic expression of choice can be very regional. In some places, they say "What's up?" or just "'sup?". In the American south and midwest, you might hear "Howdy". On the east coast, "How ya doin'?". In the UK, you might here "Alright?" None of it is literal.
The next time someone says "What's up" I should just reply with Howdy! 😆
In Hawaii it’s “How’s it?”
@@TheLinneann Yep that's true, I'm from Hawaii haha
They like to spell it "Howzit!"
Thank you, this is brilliant.
I know about that...still makes me mad! If people simply want to make noise, the should sing.
Going blank about my weekend? I thought I was simply forgetful but those memories are in the next room - give me a minute and I'll be back.
My go to answer is "taking it easy", because that's usually what I do. I do a lot of things, but I'm fairly sure nobody wants to hear about them, and what they want to hear I never do. So I have one answer for everything.
The same about my holidays. Taking it easy. People are happy with that.
@@MagdalenaBozyk My go to is “nothing exciting”.
@@MagdalenaBozyk Ah yes, holidays. People might ask me "Where are you going/did you go for your holidays? I never go anywhere because I am happiest staying in and around my house, it's the best place (for me at least) on Earth.
The saying that riles me is, "You just need to" before giving a suggestion.
It's like the person has not considered that I may have done their suggestion or that I have considered it and decided not to do it. Thir suggestion also becomes a demand and makes the situation worse.
Yesssssssss❤
Plus? Don't tell me what to do.
Ugg, Right? Like I have a problem and have spent no effort or time trying to solve it myself?! Just. STOP. And people wonder why I don't want to go anywhere or do anything.
It reminds me of "No offense but" before being offensive.
Sometimes followed by "I'm not trying to pressure you." Actually, they are.
I had a student with autism and I had a steep learning curve but did have some limited experience from decades ago from an autistic radio broadcaster about time perception . She told me "You need to do what you say". My student then did teach me much more thats applicable to my other students. Thanks for this video.
Being told to shush when I am trying to express challenging emotions, makes me so mad!
Shush.
Yes! I have a friend who does this to me. He recently lost his mum and he told me to shut up (not the first time or the tone in which it was said). Normally I’d have thought, lost mother, don’t say anything….but I snapped and got mad. I didn’t say anything to him, but I had to get up and walk away to calm down, and another friend started to shame me because I said “no excuse for talking to me like sh*t”. I mean, I had to deal with my dying mum every day for a month until she passed AND my then narc abusive relationship I was in at the time…but I didn’t talk to people like sh*t due to the stress. Sorry for the ramble. Basically, I agree with you, sorry
"Do you focus on the big picture or on the details"
- "Yes"
Thank you, this video made me realize how many of my differences are a part of Autism rather than just my own internal nightmare. It's extremely comforting to know other people have internal switches or boxes that are difficult to move between.
I was diagnosed with Autism fairly recently. It explained so much. You mentioned how you don't like idioms, neither did I. But I went out and bought a book all about idioms, their origins, their meanings and examples of how they're used. Now, if I hear one, I look it up when I get home and I drop them into conversation myself.
Meditation is anything that releases your mind from thought. You can be in a meditative state while running 5 miles, sewing, crafting, fishing, etc. You do not have to be still to be free from thoughts.
This is the best explanation I’ve ever seen, thank you!
@@ButterflyKissesHealing my type of meditation is putting a mellow song on replay and listening to it for 6 hours 😂
@@sparky4786 🥰
Yeah, I think there's this misconception that meditation is like... empty head monk sort of thing. While that is a thing, practical meditation is as you said. It's about being present in a way to allow your mind and body to focus and release. What ever thoughts and feelings occur, I've understood it as allowing them to happen but encouraging then to pass.
@@PhotonBeast just a few weeks ago a friend suggested that I meditate. I have ADHD. My mind and body won’t allow me to focus. I color in adult coloring books to relieve anxiety but I have to listen to a movie at the same time.
This list is sooo empowering! Neurotypical folks have no idea the consequences of seemingly harmless, habitual, culturally engrained statements and questions. Gratitude
Yes you're correct all these phrases are harmless and part of everyday communication. It must be hard (or is that wrong to ask too?). What I want to know is how can students cope when they have problems learning idioms as they are part of figurative language and that is required to pass their English qualifications?
Actually, I am neurotypical, and I find many of these questions and generic statements quite annoying myself! It's a good list.
Videos like this really help me understand my daughter better. I know our minds just don’t work the same. I have learned more and more over the years on how to talk and phrase things to help her understand in ways that her brain work and not mine.
I heard all 46 of these phrases from my daughter’s school through her life. She was diagnosed at the age of 12. Many didn’t believe us and never did. I still feel the pain of a misdiagnosis when she was younger. I might have helped better if we would have known sooner. Teen years and trying to learn everything was not easy.
I don’t know how to express with words how much Taylor has helped me to understand and accept myself. I am so grateful ❤
Hi! I’m so glad. Thank you for sharing this. 💕🙏🏼
@@thursdays_child5914
❤️
Omg alot of these I do get angry at. Particularly "you seem a little quiet" "why can't you act normal" "you're too sensitive" "that's just how it is" and "fake it till you make it" just to name a few. Couple months back I got diagnosed with autism (level 1) so I don't have it as bad as others but still will need some sort of accommodations. Went 23 years without really knowing. Hope this made sense and I said the right things.
What are you thinking about?, do they want to know something specific or want to know what I'm actually thinking. LOL 😆
For me it's the opposite that's triggering, actually. When I finally observed a group of people enough to decide they're safe for me, and I start to actually participate in conversations, and someone tells me "oh wow look, she can talk". Thank you for sending me right back into my shell, jerk.
In hindsight, the only response to "Why can't you act normal?" is "What IS 'normal'?"
"What are you thinking?" has to be the most annoying question ever asked of me. In a relationship I was in several years ago my partner used to ask me that😡. Only many years later did I hear a suitable answer to that question when Lisa asks that of Nelson Muntz.
Lisa: What are you thinking?
Nelson: What am I thinking about what?
Lisa: What's inside of you"
Nelson: Guts, Black stuff and about 50 Slim Jims.
Even when I hear someone say that question to another person it ticks me off !!
My parents were always good abt telling me WHY, so I grew up with a disdain for "because I said so"
If the trusted adults in my life were always giving me very good reasons for their directions then anyone NOT giving me a reason was a RED FLAG.
As an adult I continue the tradition of how I was raised by telling children WHY I am giving them a direction
Ex: student running in the hall
Me:[stops child] Hey kiddo, we don't run in the hallway because you could trip or smack into someone.
Save the running for the gym ok?
If only others would give the same care with responses to that question! Thanks for sharing!
The WHY is SO important!
That's just good parenting, mentoring, and leadership in general :) Good on you and your parents
Common sense I thought. Guess not?
I got both. Sometimes my mom gave me reasons like:
"You need to brush your hair because otherwise people will think I'm a bad mom who lets her kid run wild." Well all right then.
I have always hated "tell me a fun fact about yourself" until I saved a friend's life using my prosthetic leg.
He'd fallen off the cliff and was hanging on just below the top, but too far down for me to reach. I knew I did not have enough time to find a tree branch let alone run to camp for help.
I took off my leg and holding the leg by its strap, I had him hold onto the foot and I pulled him up that way.
"Tell me about a time and Tell me about yourself" makes my brain Implode. I just had an interview at work and they do this all the time…..All of these are amazing examples…Watching these types of videos, makes me understand my childhood so much more….I’m 53 and have been considering getting diagnosed, but I kinda already know the answers. Oh “why are you so quiet?”….OMG…..”Because I’m always quiet and always have been”. Like you said, I don’t know, thinking about String Theory while the rest of you do the small talk thing and I don’t do small talk…ever.
Everyone I know, neurodivergent or neurotypical, makes up canned answers in advance for interview questions. We are all supposed to pretend it's natural, genuine, spontaneous, but it never is, for anyone.
The scary alternative to “why are you so quiet?” is someone saying "Well, say something".
My go-to response to “how are you?” is “pretty good, under the circumstances”
But my most hated question to answer is “what do you do?”
My heart sinks every time it’s asked
My usual reaction is a question: "which domain do you want to know? What pay the bills or as a hobby or as a passion or on a lazy Sunday?"
Ooo, I like that a lot! Thank you!@@carol-lynneodriscoll4604
I always answer "unemployed" and they wander away. Why someone isn't a real person if they're not working is a mystery
@VMM34 oh I wish. I then have to pre-emptively shut down questions about what I'd like to work in 😭 there's nothing I like less than people trying to be unsolicited career councillors
I say 'I mend things' 😂.
Autism therapist here - would LOVE to have a list of the alternative questions or comments that can be made INSTEAD of these phrases, so we can teach allistics what to do instead, for the sake of ABA in reverse lol!
Thanks for the suggestion!
@@MomontheSpectrumLove your channel ❤
In general I want to say _be more specific._ A lot of these phrases just draw a blank because there are too many possible interpretations. Whatever it is that helps you know, e.g. what you are interested in hearing about when you say "tell me about yourself", I *do not have that.* Telling me to trust some instinct that I don't have is very frustrating, too.
wait ok so you’re a therapist and you actually take into account the common popular groupthink (that the internet created) that the neurobinary thing is legitimate like there’s literately just two groups or categories of neurology to fit into. that’s sad to me. the thinking is so flawed in that it does not bridge community and understanding. it’s a lot of fake community and self awareness by creating confirmation bias centric sense of identity while creating broad stroke homogeny which takes away from individuality and use of empathy.
@@davidhand9721 I will also add something specific that brings me in the moment. Like commenting on my cool shirt or asking me if I like what I'm eating. Then I can tell you that I also like my cool shirt, and maybe where I bought it, and the other cool shirts I have. Or I can talk about how this cookie is amazing and how I used to love baking cookies with my mom when I was a kid. Just for the love of god don't ask me how I'm doing.
@8:00 What pattern I see in all of these questions is the fact that our brains calculate so many variables so quickly to an open question that all of the potential answers quickly overwhelm us. I could give a million answers to all of these questions but specificity is the key to not being overwhelmed or “triggered”. In my opinion.
Mom on spectrum here. I love to swear like a sailor but my mom hates it and shames me for it. Did I mention I'm 50 years old? Besides "You're too sensitive," I cringe at, "You're making a scene," "keep your voice down," "You're laughing too loud," and "Everyone is looking at us because of you."
I do swear like a sailor. I am 51. My mom does the same thing right down to the exact phrases that you mentioned which are also my biggest triggers. You've qouted them exactly. Are you my doppelganger? 😂
The you are too sensitive statement is just a phrase ABUSERS use when you have a completely normal reaction to the fucked up shit they have done to you
I've read a few memes that have insinuated that Gen X are masters at the multiple ways one can use f$*k in a sentence. They crack me up because they are so right! I don't love to cuss, but I feel like I've been talked over and ignored so much in my life, that strong words are sometimes the only way to get people to listen to me.
@@flamingcherryc you are not wrong. It got old saying it ever other word though so I am learning to curse in Latin 💪😆
@@kelleyreimer2231 I lived in Italy for awhile and found it's the perfect language to curse in and complain about the weather 😆
Fear of being perceived. Wow, i never heard that before, but it struck deep. I tried to explain this feeling to a councelor once, tried but failed.
I had no idea it was a thing for real, I thought I made the concept up to describe myself.
I took a management class once that required each person to stand up and say one word that described themselves. I said, "Real." Mainly because I thought so many of the people in that class were so busy trying to impress everyone else. Well, after I said my one word, the room went quiet. It felt like a full minute where everyone was staring at me and judging me. Even though I was judging them just a few seconds earlier. But I didn't judge an individual who was the only person standing in a room full of people. I thought I was going to have a panic attack, but only managed a full blown anxiety attack with tunnel vision and all the cotton filled ears. Sucked so bad. I didn't get the position. Not sure if it was because of what I said or the way I acted after saying it. This incident happened 32 years ago and I still remember the feelings I had.
@@ddittmar64 nah, you were super real for that. NT people are so fake sometimes
I’d like to add: “We miss you!” Or “I miss you” said by someone who doesn’t actually want to see you. I’ve taken that literally and tried to make plans. Same with, “You can come visit anytime”. I’ve also figured out that if an acquaintance messages you on social media, they don’t really want to know how you are, but want something. Same with “I’d like to pick your brain” means “I’d like you to work for me for free” & so much more 💙🙏🏻💙
Those are bad ones untie them now!!!! I want to pick your brain isn't meant to make you do all the work for free. It means I want to hear your thoughts on this subject. Useful for getting advice or seeing what approaches to use in something. Im a writer so I ask to pick my fiancees brain a lot for scenes.
When I quit my subscription to SkyTV I got an email from them about a month later saying "We miss you".
Funny, I don't miss paying them $51.00 a month.
The longer this video goes on, the more your mask fades, and the funnier and even more relatable you become! Just wanted to share that and I am SOOOOOO glad I found your channel!!
I’m 42. These phrases are making me realize how so much of the social browbeating and gaslighting drove certain masking into me so deep that I don’t know what’s masking anymore at times and don’t know how to unmask. The mask IS me now in some ways.
But it’s still taking up energy and bandwidth. Dropping it to spare myself the drain isn’t possible though, unless I get this figured out.
I’m just stuck spending cycles on the mask at all times.
That’s how I am
I 1000% can relate. We are 90s kids, the kids who had a singular pill tossed at them if we knew what was going on, back then. Some of our parents knew and kept us seperate from that by NOT getting us diagnosed - a blessing And a curse, maybe. I'm just now trying to figure myself out on the spectrum. Same age. I feel like we Xennials missed out on all things "mental health" in our early school years.
“You’re too sensitive!” “Stop overreacting!” Those are the top two on my list!
I heard those a lot as a kid. Which left me wondering how am I too sensitive. How is this over reacting.
That and smile and your quiet! 🤦
I hear that all the time. Another channel claimed that is narcisstic abuse and gaslighting.
"Calm down," "you're making a scene," & "you're spiralling." I'm just "too intense."
I've heard "You're a bit much." "you're intimidating." "People don't know how to approach you." It makes me feel like there must be something wrong with me if no one can "handle" me.
“Calm down” is like gasoline on a fire!
My entire life has been plagued with phrases like this!!!
@@NeuroDiv_Skunk8785someone yelling ‘CALM DOWN’ while shaking you. Yeah, that’s how you calm down…
Add to that "You're letting things fester"
Long ago (I'm 73) I learned that nearly every first thing someone says to me only means "Hello." So I answer with "Hi" or "Hey." I also answer most questions and statements put to me with "Of course" or "I don't know." Try it, it's fun, actually.
as someone who’s both chronically ill and very neurodivergent, here’s a tip for #7 (rate your pain from 1-10): you can look up the functional pain scale which describes what each level of pain looks like in terms of what you’re able/not able to do. this helped me out so much & i hope it helps someone else out there!
When my doctor asked me to rate my pain 1-10 I told him I didn’t know how to and he said to rate childbirth and rate my current pain based on that. I said “childbirth is 6 so I guess this would be 7 or 8” and he was like “wtf you’d rate childbirth 6?!”
I have actually posted the pain level chart in response to someone saying they didn't know how to answer that question.
Future video suggestion: Fear of/not like being perceived.
I've only heard of this recently, and hearing others, yourself included, helped me to think that my issues around being "shy" aren't only about being shy. I can be shy, yet also I don't like attention, it makes me want to hide, lol, and it causes me to freeze. So, what is being perceived, the issues around it, and how it differs from shyness.
Yes, please!
Yes. Anyone obsessive over what they are wearing? So they will not draw attention and make someone comment on it. I cannot believe the comments I get on my clothing/hair/shoes. Even when it’s a complement I hate it. I try to be as bland and “normal” as well as comfortable as possible. Doesn’t matter they always comment. Annoys me tremendously. Example: I wear my hair in a ponytail all the time ( cannot stand hair in my face/touching my ears/getting tangled) anyway, if I wear it down people will say “wow you look so different” I think really???? Literally I’m exactly the same. How could I possibly look that different?
@@saragoltz1191 Mostly with the hair thing, as well. When my hair was long, I wore it in a ponytail (sensory issues, also). The rare occasions I wore it down, I was self-conscious about it, then I eventually wore it down a lot, though rarely anyone said anything, thankfully, lol, though my hair bothered me. I finally got the nerve to shave it off a few years ago, yay, freedom from hair and hair sensory issues. 😛😊 At first, I was self-conscious about it being so short, but thankfully that went away fairly quickly, especially that I love it being so short.
@@username46100 wish I could shave it. I would get too many comments for sure then. lol
The “you’ll just know” hit hard. I dated my spouse for five years before getting engaged because I didn’t “just know,” as I’ve heard so many people say, and we’ve been married four years and sometimes I still don’t know if I made the right decision. I love him dearly and I think it may have something to do with being high masking and loosing touch with my own self, but that was a situation where I didn’t ever just know.
I’m not married, so take what I say with a grain of salt. But I don’t think that there is a “soul mate” Out there for each of us. The question shouldn’t be, “Did I make the right decision marrying him?” It should be, “Do I love him now and do I want to stay with him?”
In other words I don’t think you should feel guilty about making the “wrong” decision
When someone asks me to come up with a sentence, my "safety sentence" is always: The quick brown fox jumped over the lazy dog.
45, "why can't you act normal?"
My flippant response: "scientists are still trying to figure that one out"
That's very funny.
What even is normal?
It's different from country to country, culture to culture, social class to social class....
My response: “IDK. Why can’t you act like a kind, caring, compassionate individual instead of a bigoted bully?”
I'm reminded of this following dialog from an episode of MASH:
Frank: The man is not normal!
Hawkeye: What's normal, Frank?
Frank: Normal is when everybody does the same thing.
Trapper: What about individuality?
Frank: Individuality is fine as long as we do it together!
I like how that's not even a false statement, so you aren't lying.
I don't know if this one fits this topic, but my #1 brain break is...
Me: "Why are you mad at me?"
Them: " You KNOW why I'm mad!"
Me: "If I knew why you were mad at me, I --WOULDN'T--BE-- ASKING!" 🤯
So after a while you just start to assume that everyone is mad at you, or just avoid doing as many things that impact others as possible.
Or just wait for the hammer to drop.
same here. its rage inducing anymore.
That’s called shaming, it’s soo toxic. There is also a lie attached to it.
Even worse - not knowing IF they’re mad. And having so much anxiety about it that I have to ask.
"that's just how it is" uttery infuriates me. Just because it's how it is currently doesn't mean we cant change it.
Exactamundo!!
I could never take a command.
My parents learned quickly that they had to explain everything to me on a level I would understand and let me make the decision for myself. Otherwise we would just end up with me refusing.
My workplace knows pretty well that I'm on the spectrum. To the question of "how are you" I can reply "Oh, standard greeting response here, how about you?" and the conversation *actually* moves on as if I answered like a neurotypical person! The first time this happened, was one of the most warm and fuzzy validations I've ever experienced. The neurotypical people don't have to change their greetings just for me, and I don't get sucked into an existential crisis. its truly a win-win.
For decades, my automatic response to "How are you?" was "yes". I just dislike the social ritual where you're expected to give a standard response and reciprocate by asking about them. By giving a nonsensical answer, I could just derail the whole long, pointless ritual and steer the interaction to something more important. Surprisingly few people were really bothered by it, but those that were bothered would obsess about it.
"How are you?"
"Yes."
😂 I love it!
My usual response is an enthusiastic "Yup!".
Haha
I love it! Teach people that it is nonsensical to ask
I have found women are fine moving on when I just give a half smile and start talking about something else, but men won't. This male employee in a store asked me how I was doing while he was taking me to the aisle I needed. I gave a half smile (seriously, I was going through a divorce and my dog had cancer...don't efing ask me how I'm doing right now). He asked me *three times*. I finally said, "I'm not answering that question" because at that point I didn't care if he thought I was rude. I thought it was rude he kept pushing me to answer something I obviously didn't want to answer.
"you ask too many questions", "why does it matter?" and "let it go" are big triggers for me.
I ask because I don't understand and if I don't understand, there's a risk I'll get myself into trouble for not instinctively knowing what everyone else does.
It matters to me because that's the information my brain needs to know in order to understand and be satisfied.
I'm glad you can just "let it go" but unfortunately my amygdala has taken over and until it can send everything over (inefficiently) to the rational/language parts of my brain, I cannot, in fact, "let it go".
Yes, the "let it go," I commented on it too, and I forgot about the "why does it matter?" You notice those come from people who aren't empathetic? Lack of empathy is annoying in general.
“You ask too many questions.”
They really hate it if you fire back with “Then you don’t ask enough.”
I am ok with "why does it matter" but "you ask too many questions" is offensive to me.
People used to tell me I "think too much". "Think too much"? Really? What is the brain for? How do you NOT think? (I don't think I "think too much", I just think what I'm thinking after all) Why is my thought process less important than anyone else's?... etc. Now I just keep stuff to myself unless I'm around someone I trust.
My best friend says "Why does it matter" to me and my son out of frustration. She has ADHD and it hurts her brain when we go down rabbit holes, so we try not to do it around her. We all live in the same house and have an interesting dynamic, the first couple of years were difficult, but we now understand that sometimes our brains aren't going to be on the same wavelength and that's ok too. Her son also has ADHD, but I think he also has some AS as well since we seem to work on the same wavelength more often than I do with his mother.
At first, my son and I would try to explain why it matters, taking the phrase literally, until she explained how we make her brain hurt when we do that. So now we know it's just her frustration coming out so we will go in another room, change the subject, or she will just walk away and go do something else if we've finished the main conversation. This is why my UA-cam is filled with videos on AS, ADHD, and brain science. Ironically,, my friend and I who have been friends since school over 30 years ago, can carry on a double parallel conversation with each other when we both talk at the same time in a kind of double call and response style - this drives my son crazy and he has to leave the room or conversation.
I am not autistic but have some autistic friends. I’ll be honest that sometimes I do feel exhausted by answering their questions. I am wondering if it’s okay to communicate this, or is that offensive? I know that masking is exhausting for them, so I don’t want them to feel like they can’t be authentic around me.
As an autistic who grew up Mormon, I loooove swearing. I never felt like I could express my emotions growing up because I couldn't express intensity. There's a huge difference between being really freaking mad and being fucking pissed, and Avoiding swear words, especially by replacing them felt like I was just undercutting my point. It was like why even say how I'm feeling if I can barely convey it. It's not just anger either. Sometimes I want to tell people that I'm so fucking stoked, that this view is fucking beautiful, or that I look like a total badass right now. I love words that convey intensity, and anything you can say without swear words you can say harder with swear words :D
I've noticed that people who hate other people swearing are people, who can't stand other peoples strong emotions either.
I think swearing is just a pet peeve to some people for whatever reason.
When someone is swearing a lot, I usually tell them to "holy shit, stop fucking swearing so much" lol. I personally prefer well placed swearing to the mindless and habitual variety since the latter quickly loses power and color, but I think it's real silly when people assign morality to it.
You're not alone. There have been general authorities that would swear even during conference.
@@KattReen I like excessive swearing and mindful swearing. I know that half of the swear words I use are completely unnecessary and communicate nothing extra, but in a way, I find that kind of funny. I feel like most swear words have already lost their power. Cunt is the only word I save for special occassions, because everyone else seems to reserve that one as well. I also strategically and mindfully swear at other times. My excessive swearing doesn't really get in the way of that. I just use them at different times.
It's always bothered me that people assign morality to it. Even as a Mormon kid, I was like they're just random words. There's nothing about them that make them inherently bad. We just picked them and said "these ones are the bad ones." But I just had to keep my mouth shut cause you can't doubt the church :)
@@rcarbee7016 That's the part that pissed me off the most. That could've been something that eased up the rules and normalized hell and damn and whatever, but no. He was the exception to the rules. We all still had to follow them.
someone telling me they're proud of me wouldn't be condescending to me. it would be the first time anyone's ever acknowledged me. i've never been told someone's proud of me in the 27 years i've been alive, despite all of my toils.
Can you please 🙏 do a video on 46 things you DO like to hear?👂 My nephew has autism and I try so hard to connect with him.
Great suggestion! Thank you. Will consider for future videos.
@@MomontheSpectrum ❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️
When my nephew was very little, I spent a lot of time on the floor with him at his level trying to enter his world with puzzles 🧩 and stuff.
Once we were in a dr’s examining room and he was very nervous 😬 and sat under the examine table. I was under there with him. Mind you I have an MBA in Finance and high Corp job. The dr came in and asked who was the patient. Haha! 🤣
Quiet. I want to hear quiet.
I identify with every point!!! I need to be assessed. I’m 70 years old and have experienced most of these situations since I was a child. When I turned 60 I was diagnosed with ADHD inattentive type.
"I'm proud of you" kills me because it, intentionally or otherwise, feels like a demand. Like "hey, you've done this thing I like, so I'm telling you I like this so you will continue to do this thing
Most people get annoyed everyday by various things, its part of life, doesnt matter if you're autistic, poor, rich, normal or whoever,
I like it better if someone says they're impressed rather than proud. Proud implies they somehow own what I did, at least in part.
Are you ever proud of yourself? If so, do you see it the same way?
The phrase that really kills me is when someone says, "I'm really disappointed in you!"
@@melissacooper8724 The thing is, you probably say things that upset or annoy other people, We all need the wisdom to understand that nobody is perfect and everyone has good and bad days. If you're autistic Im sure you appreciate people who are more accepting and understanding of your differences.
Personally I think if you can remember 46 phrases that annoy you, you are spending too much time in negativity and judgement, I only listened to the first 5 or 6 but they sound like common harmless phrases.
My daughters friend said to her “you’re pulling my leg”, her first thought was ‘I’m nowhere near your leg”! Bless her, at 24 she has only just been diagnosed! Suddenly she can make sense of the world she has grown up in and I know she will understand your video! ❤
"Because I said so" is something that I've never said to my kids. My parents never said it to me, either. We tend to explain things to each other. Long winded, long and winding explanations, it's great!
My reaction to "because I said so" is to refuse doing whatever was asked. If there's no reason to do it, it doesn't need to be done.
That, or worse, "Cos." Because is not a complete sentence. It literally tells me nothing. Explain it. Explain the need for things, the issues with a product, the financial stress, the effects on health, the need for moderation, the educational benefits, all that jazz. There's no "because it just is" or "just cos" or "because I said so".
I can't stay up too late because I need a minimum amount of sleep & have to get up on time for whatever happens next day is a reason.
I can't get this for a present as it costs more than the assigned budget for presents, especially if a figure is given so I can pick something else, is a reason.
I have to vacuum the room because it helps keep it clean, you can't do it without help, & one day I'll need to do that in my own home, is a reason.
I can't watch TV for six hours because for at least one of them I need to be moving to stay fit & healthy is a reason.
I need to stay quiet because some people need to sleep &/ or don't want to be disturbed is a reason.
This song is bad because the lyrics are nonsense & the instruments are out of tune is a reason.
I don't like this food because it stinks/ makes me gag/ has a yucky texture or taste is a reason.
However, I don't like it cause it's horrid, isn't a reason. How is it horrid???
"Fake it till you make it" is just faking to me. It never becomes NOT faking. I did that for years, and I never "made it." I'm glad to ignore that advice when I hear it.
One thing I get a lot of with what would have been qualified as Asperger’s is the being called intelligent, but in a derisive way. Like “you’re the smart one” or “the human encyclopedia.” It somehow never feels like a compliment despite being a strength.
Associated with that, is someone thinking they are being reassuring when you tell them that you do not have the capacity for a particular thing or task, “You’re so smart, you’ll rise to the occasion!”
This, despite knowing that the thing is absolutely not within your spiky skill set; as proven by a lifetime of repeating patterns around comparable demands.
Others applying NT expectations to you (and your internalized ableism forcing yourself beyond capacity) based on intelligence is a fantastic way to end up in profound depression and burnout🙄
Me, who didn’t realize that not everyone else is a walking encyclopedia, thinking all of my classmates in first grade were dumb because they didn’t have a huge list of facts memorized. Didn’t help that my dad was trained to research the living daylights out of everything for his job and my bestie at that age was very intellectually curious so we’d fall down a new rabbit hole every week (although being wee ones with ‘90s internet, that meant getting the one picture book our library had on the topic and then making up what we thought “should” be true)
@@camcat26 lol, imagine being a wee one in the 70’s, with only Encyclopedia Britanica😂
But, yes, kindergarten me being soooo frustrated that my best friend didn’t want me to teach him to read (but, but, but, you can travel the world and go to other times, and learn *All* *The* *Things* with books!!!)
I did not mind being called a human encyclopedia my problem is when people THINK I am only a human encyclopedia.
Wow. I’m neurotypical and interact with many people on the spectrum. I had zero idea how asking “what’s up, how’s your day, how are you doing…. “ would affect someone. I’m honestly not sure how to start a conversation… but happy to learn more and come up with more skillful ways.
"You have so many triggers!" when trying to explain the solution to my outbursts. "Just let me know when you want me around again."(When I don't want to be alone. Leaving when I needed support most.) I'm telling you I need help, and it's getting ignored. Everyone says we'll just, "Change everything!" Is what I was told. Just change everything, and you won't be triggered. So insulting to my wellbeing. Giving me thoughts that EVERYTHING I do is wrong when I want words of affirmation and say that Im not doing enough to change when I can take away my behaviors.
I needed to be able to explain this one today. It's recently sore wound. 😫 I'm hurting so bad. FOMO broken heart syndrome. Trauma compiled on trauma when I need more help. 💔
I knit everyday. The repetitive action calms my mind.
Knitting & crochet are so stimmy xxx I love them. Knitting right now xxx
I used to need to read a book and watch tv, otherwise watching a programme on tv, even one I enjoyed, was too boring. I can't sit and do "nothing", I knit, sew, or cook while 'relaxing'.
This made me remember when I was at school: sometimes during an oral exam the teacher would say: "select a subject of your choice to talk about" all of my classmates would consider themselves lucky, but I instead would always panic and freeze completely, spend 5 minutes trying to think about what subject to choose, then force myself to pick up whatever would come to mind in order to avoid the burning gaze of the people waiting around me and then stutter a couple of confuse phrases, not able to focus because my brain was too busy thinking of all the other subjects I should have picked instead.. 😅😂
I had to come up with ready made topics to talk about: Family, pets, and school. Everyone can relate to that. I am reasonably good at public speaking but it is SO DRAINING! The effort in performing and masking is enormous for me.
I have spent decades frustrated at my mind going completely blank to the questions "What are you up to?", or "How was your weekend?", or "What do you like doing?" etc etc etc.
Discovering that there are whole swathes of people who have the same challenge.....I'm genuinely going to label this as life-changing. I had no idea.
Thank you for posting this video!
Taylor, i love your channel! I'm almost 55, self-diagnosed earlier this year, still figuring out my particular flavor of neurodivergent. Almost everything you post makes me cry, makes me smile, and rings my bells. Thank you ❤️💜💙
same here …
I’ve heard a lot of these before. “Don’t worry about it. It’s not a big deal. Fake it until you make it.” I always hear, “you’re never allowed to feel. It’s not ok that you feel that way. You don’t have a right to feel that way.” Being that I’m autistic and have CPTSD, this is why I do these things. And can’t people see that I’m trying to bottle up my emotions? Can’t people see that I’m trying to mask my CPTSD? I don’t mask my autism that much, but I do mask my CPTSD. I do use the words “always and never” a lot. Mainly, “I always have to be happy 24/7. I’m never allowed to be sad. It’s never ok for me to feel this way. It could be worse. When am I ever going to learn to just get over it?”
If you are only hearing this from a select group of people, you might have some toxic relationships you need to cut off. I get told the first few things you've said, but if someone told me I'm not allowed to feel a certain way that would be a huge red flag. Maybe just something to think about ❤
And it is OK for you to feel whatever feelings you have, so long as you're not hurting someone else or yourself.
@@jessicatalbert6646 I think a lot of it comes from my abuser. I grew up in a place where I was darned if I showed my emotions, but darned if I didn’t speak up and communicate what was wrong.
Yes, I hate being told that I will know. I find that what I think of as knowing isn't anybody else's way of knowing.
My mother used to say "laugh and the world laughs with you. Cry and you cry alone". Translation "I don't care if you are sad. Don't bother me with it."
Hearing "it is what it is," "living my truth & living my best life"
Ohhhhh ' it is what it is' is such a useless thing to say and people just parrot it.
And it makes no sense.
Is it what it is? Or is it only what you think it is? It just makes me cringe.
Lol! I looked through the comments to see if "it is what it is" was in here. I actually felt guilty because that phrase irritates me to no end. Why does it have to be what it is? Why can't it be something else? 😂
I watch a lot of youtube videos about addiction. Listening to them being misdiagnosed and being prescribed very powerful meds that affect brain chemistry and/or them become addicts trying to find 'normal'. When watching, listening to their stories it makes me wonder how many of these people are on the autism spectrum. I am 56 yrs old, have not been diagnosed as autistic BUT after all these years wondering what is wrong with me the relief I felt realizing this is what is wrong with me - this is why I am different, odd, quirky, introverted, excel in some subject and can't comprehend others.
I, as an autistic individual, say "Don't worry about it." ALL the time, because I genuinely don't care and if I see someone stressing because they think I have an opinion about them regarding whatever, I don't at all. I do not care. Don't stress about it, don't worry about it because I care not one bit.
My understanding is that there are several interpretations that can happen. When we say "Don't worry about it/I don't care" we mean it as a neutral statement of fact about our own personal current context. For others, though, i think it can be a statement about the subject eg I think you are worried so please don't worry. The third option is a negative statement of themselves eg I am worried, but I don't want my worry to affect you. Particularly the third can catch us off guard because our natural reactions is to go "OK." and move on because we just got told not to worry. When there may be the expectation that we should actually display empathy or offer help (performative or otherwise)
@@PhotonBeast Yeah, what gets me about "don't worry about it" is that in certain social contexts, even if someone says this, I feel like sometimes the polite or socially acceptable thing to do IS to worry about it, or wave it off and help anyway. I'm thinking in a context of like going over to someone's house for dinner maybe, and I ask if I should bring my dish to the sink, and the host says "don't worry about it," my brain will start going a million miles a minute with things like 'ok, they said not to worry about it, so I should probably just sit here and let them take it. But will they secretly think I'm rude if I don't shrug off what they said and insist on taking my plate in anyway? Or even if it's not something they're expecting per se, will they be at all disappointed? Maybe I should try to be nice and just get up and take my own plate in. But then what if that seems rude on the other end, because they told me not to worry about it, and I ignore them and do it anyway? Would it be polite or impolite? I don't want to seem awkward by either taking my plate in myself or not' etc etc. Usually I wind up doing what the person said, in handing them my plate or whatever the context is, but I definitely worried about it which they told me not to do lol
@@maggieo1683 Yeah. It seems to come down to "Whatever the other person thinks is appropriate at the time." Or, ya know, vibes which I think a lot of autistic people struggle with for various reasons (as many of the questions in the video allude to).
The only real solutions in your hypothetical situation, I think, is to either pick a side for that situation (overly kind or overly polite).
So you can take your plate to the sink and basically just ignore the protests of "no no, you don't have to do that" and be thought of as extra nice or you can just sit and be thought of as being polite.
Another solution is to mirror what everyone else does (contingent on you finishing your food after a few people so... plan ahead, I suppose). More useful if you haven't asked but aren't sure/don't want to ask, though you run the risk of being there for a long time if you're with a bunch of talkers or getting offered more food and having to decline (which can be it's own pitfall) or what have you.
@@PhotonBeast Yes, mirroring what other people do is what I typically go for, if I'm at a dinner with multiple people that is. Thankfully I am a slow eater so I tend to be one of the last to finish anyway, and then I'll usually just copy what other people do, or, like I said, lean in the direction of whatever the host said.
@@maggieo1683 Something to try might also be to say something like "I need to go to the bathroom/I want to wash my hands" and then add "Should I take my plate to the sink?"
Either you get a few minutes in the toilet to yourself or, sometimes, it triggers everyone to start moving and cleaning up.
I can relate to "because I said so" Undiagnosed (probable) 57 year old and went to therapy when I 3/4 my parents took me to a therapy. Therapist told me "do this" - I refused. Took me to another therapist who "asked" me and I did the task. I was told this as an adult but always felt the same way for my whole life.
When someone asks me "how are you doing?" "What are you up to?"
Questions of that nature, I've learned they're "throw away" questions, stuff you ask just to have something come out of your mouth.
And I've learned the correct "throw away" answers are "I'm good, you?" or "not much, you?"
Yeppers!
My default response is " 'm alright."
Really? I always took them as honest questions (giving or receiving the questions). Like, I legit want to know what the person I'm asking is feeling or doing!
That is to say, thanks for the insight!
Read a book once ("The Winter Sparrows", I think it was) where the young protagonist, an immagrant to Australia, described her annoyance with Aussie school kids asking her this question but then quickly departing the scene least they receive an answer. So true!
i stubbornly only acknowledge the “this is just a way of saying Hi” understanding; they feel so invasive if taken literally! like i feel “what a personal thing to demand me tell you! how i am? what im feeling?? thats MY business!” is my gut reaction if i were to believe it was meant to be answered honestly.
My default answer to the rando passing me as we walk in opposite directions who asks, "How are you?" or "How ya doing?" is an equally generic, "I'm fine. (or okay or good or alive or whatever else pops outta my mouth at the time) Thank you." THAT'S IT! I'm not asking how you are, because I don't know you and I don't care to hear the BS lie you'll regurgitate back to me about how you are, just like the lie I told you. I'm rarely "fine" not that any of these people care anyway. Just mind your own f*cking business and leave me in peace to mind mine. If we must speak in passing, how about a simple, "Hello." and then keep your ass walking! Oh, yeah, and to answer Taylor's question, I'm all in on the cursing!! 😂
"Because I said so" is a trigger for about everybody!