24 years married. My husband's coming out of 5 years of mid life crisis. Almost 1 year ago, after a few very dark years, I told him to write down ALL of his grievances, everything he is unhappy about. I listened carefully (very difficult to hear his words) and responded with my own lengthy letter humbling myself and making it clear that I hear him and want to respect him. He immediately responded with positivity and hope and the light began to come back on. He/we still had stuff to work through since then and he kept to his unhealthy pattern (workaholism, etc) and in the last few months, my strength and patience wore thin and I began to pull away. This and tons of prayer and self-work has helped him to wake up and begin to really change his pattern.
we have not separated yet but it will happen. i appreciate this video. i was doing everything to push. My spouse of 25 years is leaning out. I want to save our marriage but if i am honest i need to save me. I am physically unhealthy sad and lonely because he checked out
I knew both my wife and I were overwhelmed with resentment, though of course my focus was on mine. When she asked for separation, it was a wake up call...losing her and experiencing my 9 year old daughter's heartbreak was my bottom and I've been working to build myself into the man I want be. Like you said though, it has to be for you...the goal can't be winning your partner back, because then your changed aren't real or sincere. It has to 100% be a choice they make...to build something new with you.
I truly know how much I deeply love and adore my wife. She is all of my dreams in life. I’m so glad to have watched this to start my own journey in change for a strong hope of reconciliation and reconnection with her. I understand the time in her life she is going through and hope she feels that I’m always available to be there for her when needed. Any other advice for me at this time?
I have one… You said YOU know how much you love and adore your wife. But does SHE know? And I don’t mean that you’ve told her that you love her. But has she expressed ways that she would feel seen and heard and loved by you that you have not done? Do those things… You can feel all the love in the world for her, but if she doesn’t feel loved, it doesn’t really matter how much you know you love her. Relationship is a transference, a reciprocal mutual exchange. It is a communication where one thing is expressed and then that same one thing is received. if she isn’t receiving that love you are feeling, then you need to change the way you’re doing things
This is a good video video Monica. The gem for me when you said at the end, long-term marriage take longer. My wife had at least 10 traumas over the past couple of years to include her mother dying of breast cancer. Her mother suffered from depression and was a hoarder so there is definitely childhood emotional neglect. I was given primary custody of our children by the court. We are 20 months into this nightmare. She has a psychiatrist, and I am finally starting to see the light in her eyes return. I feel like I am running on empty, but I am still holding on for a second wind. I have used this time on myself. I had educated myself on what we are going through. I have worked on mindfulness.
It is so hard to live in limbo, I am a “ducks in a row” kind of person. Our separation is a great opportunity for me to grow, but the emotions can be overwhelming this early on. How can I be strong and become the man that wins my wife back…
Going through this now - it's true - I hated him and now that I have moved out (broken pattern), I am starting to think about things from another perspecitve
@@frankgeary7574 Hi. No, I haven't moved back and my every day life has become easier and drama free but if I am 100% honest, I still find myself thinking about the good times but when I feel that way, I have noticed it helps to pause for a moment and consider how life would be should I return to that life with him and then I feel okay again. It's a complex situation and I've decided to keep the communication open for my children's sake. (I don't want them to feel guilty for going no contact and cause bigger trauma's for them later in life - this way they can still keep the lines of communication open to say what they need to say later on) so we still go out as a family to eat a meal now and then and I put my trauma with him aside. He behaves very well and it's a lovely time and we take it for just that - a good day out. This way there's no nastiness and bitter divorce nonsense. We were together for 28 years - I think it's senseless to act like we were never close. I still miss him (on the good days - the 'good' him) but I need this peace now. Hope this helps someone and good luck to you if you're facing the same thing.
What has changed your feelings from hating him to your current perspective? My wife has been gone for 2 months now, and though we talk and she cries and says she wants to not give throw away 20 years, I think she still sees me thru the lens of fear and hatred more than trusting and loving and committed......
@@freemanfornow264 I'll be honest - this is all God and I know that for sure! We were together for 28 years. I worshipped the ground he walked on and still love him dearly but somehow, through the tears of longing I cry daily, something keeps on reminding me that going back would be a disaster. I can't even shop for groceries without missing him being with but the bad days were too hurtful to relive and I keep remembering that. I do however find it quite distasteful when divorcees are bitter and horrible. We share two grown children and did have many wonderful moments amongst the turmoil and I think my empath nature feels bad that he was neglected as a child and then it manifested into a monster but I also know that I don't have to make that my story. My new life is peaceful and lonely and it's okay that those two things exist together until my heart heals. We now go out for a meal with the kids every week or so and still manage to get on as friends. I want my kids to still know him to avoid unresolved conversations later in life so I am trying to keep the family unit going without having to live with the monster - crazy but it's working for us through God's devine grace. I wish you the very best through this terrible time.
My wife asked for space after a horrible fight in August. I really didn’t know what to do in the beginning. It really wasn’t until mid September I kind of figured out what I need to do regarding letting go… I made some horrible mistakes from fear and anxiety. I’m trying though. I’m in therapy and really working on showing up differently, making the changes and being a better more accepting and kind person.
I am just finding these videos. Ralph, I gave the SAME EXACT scenario. 7 weeks if hell but in finally coming to terms with it all. I am in therapy and working on me. She is distant and cold. I’m wondering what your status is thus far? I hope you and your wife reconciled. 🙏🏼
@@jaraf10712 weeks of hell here. I'm just listening for guidance on things I can do better. But I'm not taking responsibility FOR A SINGLE thing I'm not responsible for. Period. How are you all?
@jaraf107 I'm at that 7-8 week mark now and wish I had at least 6 of them to do over lol..... I ain't giving up and i WILL get my bride of 20 years back if it's the last thing I ever do, but she won't get the same me back
I like your therapy thank you very much it’s like you reading what I was going through. I will definitely fallow your advice the are powerful and sincere truthful thanks again
What if he has someone else in his life. He returned back and wasn't ready to more back in with me.He returned for 10months n then said he didn't know what he wanted . Again after 10 yrs i found out he's been seeing someone else.He came back again in my life. I asked if he wanted a divorce he says he doesn't know what he wants. In these yrs im working on myself n doing me. No communication again. Married now for 7yrs.Seperated for 3 yrs now.We were together for a total of 10yrs. Im leaving him alone . I left it in God's hands. Im doing my best n just got my bachelor degree in Psychology.
I have been married to my best friend for 22 years and have 6 kids and 7 grandchildren. about 4 months ago my wife told me she needs space and to try to find herself. She and my 15 yr old daughter moved into an apartment. We still text every few days and she says she misses me and loves me but I havent seen her since Easter. I do not want to lose her and she says she does not want a divorce she just feels like she is going through grieving and cannot find happiness. She is no happier at her apartment than she was at home. I think she is going through a midlife crisis because she has always been so happy. What can I do if anything?
Jeff the best thing to do is take excellent care of yourself and keep the door open to connection but also leave some space as well. It's a balance. Does she have help?
@@MonikaHoyt She don't think she needs help and if I bring it up she thinks I am saying she is crazy or something. It's very frustrating but I am laser focused on myself right now and trying to better everyday. Hopefully she snaps out of it before I am completely gone
I told my husband to move out and it’s bc of his dependency on weed and lack of emotional connection. I can’t deal with emotional immaturity. He also said we are ruining his life. Me and the teenage girls. Always a victim. He can figure himself out on his own.
So hard having a separation in house with 2 kids, we have to interact a lot, and I can’t stop from engaging with her, even thou she wanted to end it, we still laugh , I touch her gently, we’ve been together 22 yrs, so Iam committed to making this work,
Yeah, I want to ask a question. How can I bring back my marriage when my husband leave the house and rent an apartment and furnish it we are going through a divorce and I love my husband, but the things he doing I cannot stand it. How can I fix that but he is out of the
My wife had a problem with drinking..her mom took her to alcohol program she's been there a month and 2 weeks ,it is so painful now she don't answer or reach out back.. I text her to express how I feel . And ask what I needed to do to help . And I ll except and🎉 respect her decision. What should I do .
How can I show any type of change if my wife always cancels plans to meet me at last minute? she just won't see me. We've been together 20 yrs. and It's been 15 months now since she left. I've given space and not pressured her at all but the anxiety is taking a toll on my well being. How long do I wait/ How long is too long to salvage marriage? I 'm probably fooling myself thinking there is any chance to turn things around,. She said at the beginning there is no chance and she was going to file for divorce but hasn't yet. i'm totally confused.
My wife already braced out to another man which is a convicted felon so there was no way to use the separation to fix the marriage, a man she started an affair with a year prior to our separation which happened because I found out, at the end our small kids 3 and 6 are the ones who paid the ultimate price, parents move on, kids get served a new life reality
Don't wait too long. Everyday you wait that alimony gets more expensive. My wife took all her stuff back to Colombia. We've only been married a year and a month , but I'm 56 and I don't have time for bullshit even though it was my fault....like getting mad a lot because of finances. Regardless , I still have a right to improve myself for the next person. I'll give it Sept and bye bye. I suffered enough in my life.
It is such a modern myth: "you have to heal yourself first" Please, c'mon! Life never works that way! I'm so tired of this meme. Though, valuable thoughts here.
All work no play. No friends. No hobbies. Wife removed me from all the things I used to enjoy. Just a joyless working robot. And she asks me why I've changed. Why I'm grumpy..moody..tried discussing this..but nothing changes. I'm in hell but don't have the will or guts to bail. I fantasize about suicide often..but I won't ever do it.😢
Im your wife. A few days ago my husband said he wanted a divorce. I promised to change, he said he doesnt think there is hope his feelings will change. It was a real wakup call. I truly didnt think things were that bad (i knew they werent good).... but I took all responsibility. Hindsight is 20 20 and I realize I need MAJOR work. After begging, he said he will give me a chance but thinks we are only delaying the inevitable. The past few days im almost at a 180 change. Yes its short and ill possibly revert to my old ways, but this time I am determined to really work on being the best me for him. Im just worried its too late. Unfortunately it took me seeing the determination in his eyes and words that he is done for me to self reflect and sense and the severity of our issues. Not saying you should divorce. But maybe tell her how you feel. Sit down and explain exactly what she does and how it affects you. Lay it out in detail. Ive been told of my issues in a very gentle way and only when I badger so I was blindsided with how done he was. Best of luck!
![Marital "Point of No Return" [How to Save Your Marriage BEFORE It's Too Late]](http://i.ytimg.com/vi/iF61nJ3MSkk/mqdefault.jpg)
24 years married. My husband's coming out of 5 years of mid life crisis. Almost 1 year ago, after a few very dark years, I told him to write down ALL of his grievances, everything he is unhappy about. I listened carefully (very difficult to hear his words) and responded with my own lengthy letter humbling myself and making it clear that I hear him and want to respect him. He immediately responded with positivity and hope and the light began to come back on. He/we still had stuff to work through since then and he kept to his unhealthy pattern (workaholism, etc) and in the last few months, my strength and patience wore thin and I began to pull away. This and tons of prayer and self-work has helped him to wake up and begin to really change his pattern.
we have not separated yet but it will happen. i appreciate this video. i was doing everything to push. My spouse of 25 years is leaning out. I want to save our marriage but if i am honest i need to save me. I am physically unhealthy sad and lonely because he checked out
What happened?
Thank you for this video, Monica❤ Please make more of videos about separation and getting your spouse back.
One counselor told us it would take one month of HARD work for every year of conflict.
This is really great. I know you posted this awhile ago, but it still resonates here with me in 2024. God Bless You!
I knew both my wife and I were overwhelmed with resentment, though of course my focus was on mine. When she asked for separation, it was a wake up call...losing her and experiencing my 9 year old daughter's heartbreak was my bottom and I've been working to build myself into the man I want be. Like you said though, it has to be for you...the goal can't be winning your partner back, because then your changed aren't real or sincere. It has to 100% be a choice they make...to build something new with you.
Update please
@@jasperkim5945💀
I’ve noticed with myself, when no one else steps up, i tend to step up with well someone has to go first. So i do eventually step up to change.
I truly know how much I deeply love and adore my wife. She is all of my dreams in life. I’m so glad to have watched this to start my own journey in change for a strong hope of reconciliation and reconnection with her.
I understand the time in her life she is going through and hope she feels that I’m always available to be there for her when needed.
Any other advice for me at this time?
I have one…
You said YOU know how much you love and adore your wife. But does SHE know?
And I don’t mean that you’ve told her that you love her. But has she expressed ways that she would feel seen and heard and loved by you that you have not done? Do those things… You can feel all the love in the world for her, but if she doesn’t feel loved, it doesn’t really matter how much you know you love her. Relationship is a transference, a reciprocal mutual exchange. It is a communication where one thing is expressed and then that same one thing is received.
if she isn’t receiving that love you are feeling, then you need to change the way you’re doing things
What if the separation was triggered by childhood trauma but is being falsely equated with the marriage?
This is a good video video Monica. The gem for me when you said at the end, long-term marriage take longer. My wife had at least 10 traumas over the past couple of years to include her mother dying of breast cancer. Her mother suffered from depression and was a hoarder so there is definitely childhood emotional neglect. I was given primary custody of our children by the court. We are 20 months into this nightmare. She has a psychiatrist, and I am finally starting to see the light in her eyes return. I feel like I am running on empty, but I am still holding on for a second wind. I have used this time on myself. I had educated myself on what we are going through. I have worked on mindfulness.
It is so hard to live in limbo, I am a “ducks in a row” kind of person. Our separation is a great opportunity for me to grow, but the emotions can be overwhelming this early on. How can I be strong and become the man that wins my wife back…
Thank you so much, this has been an incredible resource for me and is helping me make the changes needed in my marriage separation ❤
I love your wisdom Monika , thanks !
Thanks for watching!
Your advice gives me a mental plan for doing new stuff. Thanks.
Thank you so much for this video! I feel like you just unscripted my soul’s answers! This helped me so much! And now I see all the mistakes I made.
This video is so important to me. I'm glad i found it. About to start a separation and was feeling lost. Thank you
My ex when he initiated the breakup said it was too late for him. Then I found out about the infidelity so I divorced him. It was too late for me.
I've just come across your channel and a video on dealing with LARGE amounts of resentment would be so valuable to my marriage, my spouse and myself
Amazing insights! Thank you
Going through this now - it's true - I hated him and now that I have moved out (broken pattern), I am starting to think about things from another perspecitve
How are things going? Did you move back?
@@frankgeary7574 Hi. No, I haven't moved back and my every day life has become easier and drama free but if I am 100% honest, I still find myself thinking about the good times but when I feel that way, I have noticed it helps to pause for a moment and consider how life would be should I return to that life with him and then I feel okay again. It's a complex situation and I've decided to keep the communication open for my children's sake. (I don't want them to feel guilty for going no contact and cause bigger trauma's for them later in life - this way they can still keep the lines of communication open to say what they need to say later on) so we still go out as a family to eat a meal now and then and I put my trauma with him aside. He behaves very well and it's a lovely time and we take it for just that - a good day out. This way there's no nastiness and bitter divorce nonsense. We were together for 28 years - I think it's senseless to act like we were never close. I still miss him (on the good days - the 'good' him) but I need this peace now. Hope this helps someone and good luck to you if you're facing the same thing.
What has changed your feelings from hating him to your current perspective?
My wife has been gone for 2 months now, and though we talk and she cries and says she wants to not give throw away 20 years, I think she still sees me thru the lens of fear and hatred more than trusting and loving and committed......
@@freemanfornow264 I'll be honest - this is all God and I know that for sure! We were together for 28 years. I worshipped the ground he walked on and still love him dearly but somehow, through the tears of longing I cry daily, something keeps on reminding me that going back would be a disaster. I can't even shop for groceries without missing him being with but the bad days were too hurtful to relive and I keep remembering that. I do however find it quite distasteful when divorcees are bitter and horrible. We share two grown children and did have many wonderful moments amongst the turmoil and I think my empath nature feels bad that he was neglected as a child and then it manifested into a monster but I also know that I don't have to make that my story. My new life is peaceful and lonely and it's okay that those two things exist together until my heart heals. We now go out for a meal with the kids every week or so and still manage to get on as friends. I want my kids to still know him to avoid unresolved conversations later in life so I am trying to keep the family unit going without having to live with the monster - crazy but it's working for us through God's devine grace. I wish you the very best through this terrible time.
I'm reaching out because I'm messing up an wish to have my family back
My wife asked for space after a horrible fight in August. I really didn’t know what to do in the beginning. It really wasn’t until mid September I kind of figured out what I need to do regarding letting go… I made some horrible mistakes from fear and anxiety. I’m trying though. I’m in therapy and really working on showing up differently, making the changes and being a better more accepting and kind person.
I am just finding these videos. Ralph, I gave the SAME EXACT scenario. 7 weeks if hell but in finally coming to terms with it all. I am in therapy and working on me. She is distant and cold. I’m wondering what your status is thus far? I hope you and your wife reconciled. 🙏🏼
@@jaraf10712 weeks of hell here. I'm just listening for guidance on things I can do better. But I'm not taking responsibility FOR A SINGLE thing I'm not responsible for. Period.
How are you all?
@jaraf107 I'm at that 7-8 week mark now and wish I had at least 6 of them to do over lol.....
I ain't giving up and i WILL get my bride of 20 years back if it's the last thing I ever do, but she won't get the same me back
@@DanakuNakka0902I feel that but I also knew that it ain't worth the pride and ego.....
Do you/I wanna be right or be married?
Excellent video Monika , Thank You !
Glad you liked it!
Thank you. My spouse and I are separated. I want us to get back together, but we each have a bunch to work on. But this gives me hope.
Update?
Every word in this is spot on.
I like your therapy thank you very much it’s like you reading what I was going through. I will definitely fallow your advice the are powerful and sincere truthful thanks again
Do you have a link to the resentment spouse video ? ❤ thank you for all the helping content ❤
I love your Wisdom , Thank You !
What about when your spouse comes up with the "It's not you, it's me" excuse and you don't knowwhat you need to change?
My husband left 9 months ago, he now want only to be travel partners. he says he will never live with me again
What if he has someone else in his life. He returned back and wasn't ready to more back in with me.He returned for 10months n then said he didn't know what he wanted . Again after 10 yrs i found out he's been seeing someone else.He came back again in my life. I asked if he wanted a divorce he says he doesn't know what he wants. In these yrs im working on myself n doing me. No communication again. Married now for 7yrs.Seperated for 3 yrs now.We were together for a total of 10yrs. Im leaving him alone . I left it in God's hands. Im doing my best n just got my bachelor degree in Psychology.
What if the person is cheating
I have been married to my best friend for 22 years and have 6 kids and 7 grandchildren. about 4 months ago my wife told me she needs space and to try to find herself. She and my 15 yr old daughter moved into an apartment. We still text every few days and she says she misses me and loves me but I havent seen her since Easter. I do not want to lose her and she says she does not want a divorce she just feels like she is going through grieving and cannot find happiness. She is no happier at her apartment than she was at home. I think she is going through a midlife crisis because she has always been so happy. What can I do if anything?
Jeff the best thing to do is take excellent care of yourself and keep the door open to connection but also leave some space as well. It's a balance. Does she have help?
@@MonikaHoyt She don't think she needs help and if I bring it up she thinks I am saying she is crazy or something. It's very frustrating but I am laser focused on myself right now and trying to better everyday. Hopefully she snaps out of it before I am completely gone
I told my husband to move out and it’s bc of his dependency on weed and lack of emotional connection. I can’t deal with emotional immaturity. He also said we are ruining his life. Me and the teenage girls. Always a victim. He can figure himself out on his own.
Great video
So hard having a separation in house with 2 kids, we have to interact a lot, and I can’t stop from engaging with her, even thou she wanted to end it, we still laugh , I touch her gently, we’ve been together 22 yrs, so Iam committed to making this work,
Did things work out positively? I am in a similar position as you were.
We Re in the same boat but we also own a business together and work together everyday! It's an impossible situation
I wish my husband would say that but he cares more abt his weed
My husband asked for space and then filed for divorce we only have 3 months until court but I'm trying
I've seen couples file and then rip up the papers. Keep the faith!
Do you recommend a legal separation? Or working on your own
Yeah, I want to ask a question. How can I bring back my marriage when my husband leave the house and rent an apartment and furnish it we are going through a divorce and I love my husband, but the things he doing I cannot stand it. How can I fix that but he is out of the
My wife had a problem with drinking..her mom took her to alcohol program she's been there a month and 2 weeks ,it is so painful now she don't answer or reach out back.. I text her to express how I feel . And ask what I needed to do to help . And I ll except and🎉 respect her decision. What should I do .
Please consider going to Al-Anon if you haven’t already. It is a great place to learn to take care of yourself and how to live with alcoholism.😊
@@SallyShepard-k7f you mean accepting or move on.
Thank you so much for this
You're so welcome!
My husband is an alcoholic and very verbally abused been going on for over 30 years how do move forward
We are separated now
Please consider going to Al-Anon if you haven’t already. It is a great place to learn to take care of yourself and how to live with alcoholism.😊
How can I show any type of change if my wife always cancels plans to meet me at last minute? she just won't see me. We've been together 20 yrs. and It's been 15 months now since she left. I've given space and not pressured her at all but the anxiety is taking a toll on my well being. How long do I wait/ How long is too long to salvage marriage? I 'm probably fooling myself thinking there is any chance to turn things around,. She said at the beginning there is no chance and she was going to file for divorce but hasn't yet. i'm totally confused.
I am in the same place my friend - it's aweful missing my wife and the kids
My wife already braced out to another man which is a convicted felon so there was no way to use the separation to fix the marriage, a man she started an affair with a year prior to our separation which happened because I found out, at the end our small kids 3 and 6 are the ones who paid the ultimate price, parents move on, kids get served a new life reality
Don't wait too long. Everyday you wait that alimony gets more expensive. My wife took all her stuff back to Colombia. We've only been married a year and a month , but I'm 56 and I don't have time for bullshit even though it was my fault....like getting mad a lot because of finances. Regardless , I still have a right to improve myself for the next person. I'll give it Sept and bye bye. I suffered enough in my life.
Wow
It is such a modern myth: "you have to heal yourself first"
Please, c'mon!
Life never works that way!
I'm so tired of this meme.
Though, valuable thoughts here.
Marriage just totally sucks!!!
All work no play. No friends. No hobbies. Wife removed me from all the things I used to enjoy. Just a joyless working robot. And she asks me why I've changed. Why I'm grumpy..moody..tried discussing this..but nothing changes. I'm in hell but don't have the will or guts to bail. I fantasize about suicide often..but I won't ever do it.😢
Just leave
Im your wife. A few days ago my husband said he wanted a divorce. I promised to change, he said he doesnt think there is hope his feelings will change. It was a real wakup call. I truly didnt think things were that bad (i knew they werent good).... but I took all responsibility. Hindsight is 20 20 and I realize I need MAJOR work. After begging, he said he will give me a chance but thinks we are only delaying the inevitable. The past few days im almost at a 180 change. Yes its short and ill possibly revert to my old ways, but this time I am determined to really work on being the best me for him. Im just worried its too late.
Unfortunately it took me seeing the determination in his eyes and words that he is done for me to self reflect and sense and the severity of our issues.
Not saying you should divorce. But maybe tell her how you feel. Sit down and explain exactly what she does and how it affects you. Lay it out in detail. Ive been told of my issues in a very gentle way and only when I badger so I was blindsided with how done he was.
Best of luck!
Wish I had found you sooner...
Good morning are you still practicing?