The Ugly Side of Friendship - Cutting People Off, Hard Seasons and Dealing With Change
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- Опубліковано 18 вер 2022
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Cutting people off, friendship breakups and dealing with drama - in today’s episode, the sisters talk about the ugly realities of female friendships as an adult. When is it worth fighting to keep the friendship, and when is necessary to burn a bridge?
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From my experience, I really don't think it is always worth it to have these reconciliation talks with our friends about conflicts because we can't assume our friends have the emotional maturity to know how to handle those talks. And sometimes the way we bring up those hard conversations is not the most tactful or responsible way anyway.
I agree, sometimes you have to know when to move on. I learnt that I can't force a grown ass person to respect or value me. Neither should I be forced to change either...sometimes friendships have ran their course and we just need to accept that.
💯 sometimes part of ending a friendship is out growing their emotional maturity and victimhood. You just end up being an enabler
I had to let a friend go . I had issues with her for over a year , in hopes to have an adult conversation which she avoided. I was sick of being unheard and avoided. I blocked her from my life and im just unfriending on the grounds of her not taking accountability, never taking any initiative to reconcile and her continuing to hurt me when we are already not in a good place. I was open to taking accountability & reconciling until I realized I was the only one who wanted it enough to make genuine effort towards it .
This! me atm and its actually so painfull as much as they say they care, the actions are just showing otherwise.
As we get older, we, unfortunately, have to cut some people off because what we want in friendship changes and that's okay. Also, as Courtney said, when you get older, you tend to be alright having few friends and understanding the categories that others would fit in such as colleagues or associates.
The truth is that finding good friendships is honestly not easy, especially for adult women. Everyone is going through different life situations. Also, there is the reality of comparison and jealousy which makes having good friendships difficult.
You might have a small circle but that's okay. Let it be people of quality.
Sure, it's important to self evaluate ourselves to ensure we take accountability for the part we played on the deterioration of our friendships. But I feel that even if you try to confront someone do discuss something then people are quick to play the victim, deflect the blame on you and call you 2 faced, and try to turn others against you. The mad things is that when they have most people on their side they try to message you to pretend to be concerned and caring, but in reality, it's just a jab at you for losing everyone due to standing up for yourself and addressing some weird behaviours of certain individuals. People are always moving mad to be honest so it's better to love them from a distance. Not many people are mature to take accountability and they always blame others for their shitty behaviour, also, so many people look for people that are givers and when this empath finally has enough of being used, they get gaslighted for trying to finally establish boundiaries. You cannot win so just cut them off and stop responding.
It's hard to have a friend which fills all of the definitions associated with the word itself. Most people will approach you with the intention of gaining something from you, and when that thing is no longer useful or available to them, they either ghost you or become your no1 enemy. So, if you're fortunate to have a nice and real person in your life, really treasure and don't take them from granted, be a good friend back to people that show up for you and sacrifice for you. Don't turn into the people that hurt you in the past.
When you do inner work, you begin seeing people for what they are, and you might have been ignoring many things. I’m not a fan of changing people at their core. I just excuse myself. Of course it has to be fundamental things, like an inability to keep your information safe, bad attitude when things go well for you, covert competition etc.
I’ve been a loner for a few years now and I’m having a hard time getting back into building new friendships. Examples: keeping up with people daily isn’t apart of my routine yet. Idk what ppl talk about daily anymore😅. I’m very much in my own head and better at conversations in person. It’s the “getting used to giving more effort” for me.
That’s totally relatable for me. I am an introvert and I have isolated myself for such a long time. I reach the point where I crave genuine connections and friendships but like you idk what people even talk about nowadays lol or how to keep a conversation going. I have even become terrible of calling/texting people back 😅. But one day at a time 🤞🏽
I don't cut off i disappear but can still talk to you no bad blood depending with the situation....but if you don't want to talk to me after disappearing in your life " THE BETTER" for me 😂😂😂
I recently had a friend break up with me and it was honestly a blindside. She had said that we grew apart and had different boundaries, but she didn’t really ever communicate her problems with me. I knew her since we were kids and she was honestly a close friend, but I guess maybe she felt these things for awhile. It’s just sad that instead of communicating these issues with me, she decided to blindside me and end the friendship. I don’t respect the way she did it (she was not open to discussion) and honestly I don’t think I will ever be able to be friends with her again. She completely burned that bridge and I just don’t think it was necessary to do. But I guess not every knows how to communicate. I also feel like I’m at a stage in my life where I don’t have time for people who will bottle things up inside. We are grown. Say how you feel. Right now I’m still at the angry stage - angry that she completely burned the bridge and discarded the friendship like it was nothing. But I’m slowly getting over it. I’m also realizing that maybe she had different expectations of me as a friend (that, again, she didn’t really communicate) and I just couldn’t be that person for her. I also have my own boundaries and I am looking for friends who have great conversations but who also don’t need to know every personal detail about your life. Some things are private. Some things I don’t want to share and I shouldn’t feel guilted if I dont. Oh well, I wish her the best.
This is really sad :(. So sorry to hear that you've gone through this. I hope that in future, other people in your life approach confrontation in a kinder way.
@@id5711 thanks for the kind words :)
@@SS-cu8se most welcome, beautiful. 🖤
Thank you for capturing my exact feeling. To be honest I really hate, needing to explain every exact detail of my life when we are having a conversation.
I feel completely depleted after… there is so many things I want to keep private.
omg I had a similar experience where one of my ex friends didn’t bother to communicate that I hurt her and then just ended the relationship. Had to ask some of my other ex-friends about why she broke it off. Honestly the least friends can do is give you proper closure and send off even if they didn’t communicate before.
Heavy heavy on the introvert.. I’ve had friends think I wasn’t supportive enough or reached out to them as much as they would reach out to me. I am being intentional with showing up for my friends but also not giving up that part of me because at the end of the day I am an introvert. Love your videos all the way from Richmond VA USA ❤
If this isn't God sent, I don't know what it is. I might be toxic bruh. At this point I don't even know what I did wrong. But I made the decision to not take everything at heart and let people be and do what they want, be more focus on myself. Otherwise I might develop hypertension. Lord, come get your kids.
Okayyyy, this is creepy 😂 I’m dealing with this situation right neowwwww haha! I’ve had to make some heartbreaking but necessary changes in my friend group and being an extrovert, losing friends is such a hard thing for me. Thank you for sharing your thoughts and comments, I take them to heart! Okay, I’m pressing play and gonna take notes lol
Right I was like wait a minute
Same!!! I’m shooketh!!!!!!!
Omg me too!!! But I feel you on the extrovert part and losing friends
😂 Must be something going around, we know you guys too well! ❤
Same
In this video I definitely learned that I should not think that people wouldn’t move on if I’m out of their life. It’s humbling and also eye revealing. I need to rebuild some friendships & stop using them as accessories. Also, grow friendships and stop using romantic relationships as the only thing to focus on. Thank you sistas 💞
EVERY single week when I need an answer to a problem Courtney and Renee both post EXACTLY what I need! Damn
We stay local! ❤
This is the video I needed to see! I had to cut off a-lot of people because things have change. I am not the same person I was in high school 🥲 and people need to understand that. Also, there are some friends I used to have that wanted to stay in the same path and not change their ways. Meanwhile, I want to grow and change into a better person.
It's important to put your foot down and set boundaries. In other words, to know what you want in your friendship circle ❤ thank you ladies
I’m glad you guys made this episode! I was literally having this talk with a friend yesterday. I’ve had to cut off certain people from my life slowly without explanation because I was no longer able to tolerate certain behaviors and disrespect. I was kinda feeling bad about it but this conversation gave me clarity to realize that it was the right decision. Thank you sisters!!💕
I’m the bad friend. I want to cut everyone off and just start over but that shows just how I can’t handle conflict.
I had a really painful best friend breakup. I thank God all the time that we were able to repair it, but it took YEARSSSS
There is only so much emotional maturity and growth we can handle.
And some relationships truly aren't worth the effort.
Unless it is with a spouse I am legally married to, I am not going to exhaust myself trying to reconcile a relationship that I can just take space from. I only have so much emotional energy. I have had to take space from a family member who used to be a close friend as well... and for me the solution was separating from daily activities and doing fun stuff together but still helping when they need me. After a big falling out I decided I ain't yo friend but I can still try to be a helpful person LoL
I just had a friendship break up , and I had to cut her off totally. I communicated severally , whenever we had issues and she always gave a response and knew how to turn it around that I’m always at fault , the draw for me was she constantly speaks to me in a condescending manner , disrespecting me , ways I’d never talk to her , and I cannot have that person in my circle . I definitely feel like yes I had to learn that as we grow older , you can’t expect everyone or anyone to be there for you at the moment you need them , because we all have our Seperate lives . Being friends. With her was threatening to my personality and the kind of person I’d want to be in a friendship, it’s hard definitely because I expected this to be a life long relationship but that was the draw for me , I cannot keep being disrespected.
This was a great podcast! With more wisdom and age, I've learned quality relationships are more important that quantity. Time and time again the oaktree relationships (as Courtney put it
) ALWAYS remain true. We dont see or communicate often (we're all adulting 🤷🏿♀️.) However, when we do come together it's as though no time has pass. That is important to me. These relationships stand the test of time life challenges 😉
Renee's hair looks stunning 😍
Thank you! ❤
I’m 18 and I wish I watched this podcast when I was in my younger teens because I realise how many issues I personally had with communication and yet, I burned a lot of bridges that I potentially could have worked on.
So crazy… how this video popped up but this is something that needed to be said. So crazy I don’t really discuss these thoughts to others but I’m always talking to myself about it and how I can be better as a friend, know when it’s time to communicate and know when it’s time to cut it off. Lovely chat ladies thank you so much ❤
Literally last weekend put the final nail in the coffin of a hs friendship. I wasn’t personally involved in the blow up but I was already on the fence about her and how she handled the situation didn’t sit right with me. I’m sad and really disappointed that she seems to be the same girl from hs despite being 5 years removed . I want her to be better, but she has to want that too 😪
Reciprocation is always key in the long term maintenance of friendship sis! ❤
This is a great chat. Just had to burn my first bridge. He was trying to sleep with married friends of mine because I think he developed a sex addiction. There was a lot of lying and manipulations and double standards about what sort of friend I was supposed to be vs the friend he was to be to me. If you take assessment and step back for several weeks to realize that I’m operating on a different level. If someone is remarkably unreliable and demand so much more energy then they are willing to put it sometimes you have to shield yourself from bad behavior. Some things like people taking actions to destroy families to feed their addiction is just something I don’t want to forgive / continue to observe. Especially if they would then potentially just leave town and dump a disaster in your hands. Sad to end something after so many years but when things get this dark I just felt that there’s no way forward. Thanks for the great chat. ❤
Preach about expectations 👏I feel like there can be no intentions if there is an absence of self awareness.
Loved this! Thanks sisters 🤗🤗
Thank you for this episode, needed it. xx
This was great, thank you so much ladies. xXx
Thank you for this!. Its the best discussion on this situration ive heard.
This was very needed 🙏
Honestly, this is a great episode.I realize that i have alot of pride i am carrying, also alot of pain, unforgiveness, and this unhealthy cycle never stopped. even into adulthood, it just got worse because i dont need no one to provide financially, ive gone to the point of choosing homelessness over depending on someone. Its alot, but i just let my heart turn cold and cut people off like salami over minor things. It also was great to see some other ladies share how they realized they needed to do better, step 1. But seeing other women recognize thrir faults, i saw that me being vaunerable isnt a weapon poeple will always use against me, and their are poeple who are worthy of being vaulnerable, but i also need to be a safe person with vaulnerability.
Amazing episode !!!
This is a great podcast! I've recently been through a really bad friend breakup. Though from that experience, I've ended up doing a lot of self-reflection and growing. So I'm a lot happier and exited to meet new friends! Listening to this I know what to look out for, control my emotions, and be more aware for my other or new friends.
Something else to add with friendship breakups, would be forgiving yourself too. It often very hard to do in thr beginning. Though it does lessen the load on yourself when you only focus on what you did and how to change.
It also was interesting learning about the difference between a bridge that can be repaired and one that can be burned. I'll keep and eye out on that in the future. Though it also reminds me of how bad my friendship was with that friend to where we burned each other's bridges.
thanks sisters
Thank you for this video. I am currently experiencing this with a friend. Hopefully it works out...
😫😫😫 Ladies, I missed you yesterday I was eagerly checking every hour to see if the episode was up, was even trolling your Instagram stories for a post saying y'all the episode will be late.
Atleast it's up now, right on time for my long office day. 😏
I love your podcast so much!!. KEEP GOING, you touch on everything I'm going through internally and externally.Sending so much love from America, love you!
Great podcast!
The sisters always deliver 💃🏾
Ayeeeeee 🥰
Would tell my bestie in high school about the crushes I had, and a week later, she'd be dating them and flaunting it during intervals. Happened throughout our high school years.
She always made me feel like the guys just preferred her to me. Self confidence took a massive knock and started believing that I wasn't pretty enough to have a bf.
That wasn’t/isn’t your bestie sis. That was/is your enemy. Anyone who actively seeks to take what you want because you said so is in competition with you. I’m sorry that it affected your self-confidence and hope that you’re continuing to heal and build yourself up with better community around you💕
So good
I appreciate every single episode. Thank you for sharing your wisdom with us.🥰
I have a lot of catching up to do.😭😭💜
I can’t take my eyes off Renee’s tattoo😍…I’m listening too tho, promise 👀
38:20 this part of the podcast !!
How to break up with friends by Dr Hanna Korrel is a greatttt book on this topic!
Thanks for the recommendation! ❤
I just had to end an extremely toxic friendship. I told this girl that I can cut ppl off with no problem. But basically, we work together and she is white. She is currently going through a divorce. I tried my best to be there for her, while still dealing with my own baggage. But y’all, this girl complained about her life in every aspect. She would literally say, “My life is horrible, but I recognize that I’m privileged.” We both have kids on the opposite ends of the age spectrum. My kids are teens and she has a 5 yr old. But we’re in the same age category. But I ended the friendship because she kept saying she wanted to kill herself & I kept telling her how valuable her life is. She went on to say that her daughter would eventually get over it. This child just started kindergarten. I ended the friendship the very next day after going to sleep on those comments. Also, every time I would go to her house, she would invite sooo many ppl over. Ppl that I didn’t know. I told her that I have been sadly sexually assaulted many times in my life from age 5 to 19, and being around a lot of ppl makes me extremely nervous and that I would like a warning any time she was inviting ppl to her house when I was there. She told me that she didn’t owe me that and so yea there’s that. She also would NEVER come to my house to hangout. I always had to go to her house. My house is very clean etc. She’s just lazy. We had many conversations about it. She’s also an energy vampire. When I would be around her, it would take me 3 days to recharge. But when I ended the friendship, I told her that I needed to protect my peace, because she dumped all of her problems on me at one time and didn’t care to listen to me when I wanted to vent. She also told me that she didn’t want me to feel like her token black friend. After she said that, I immediately did. She made a lot of cultural references that I had to check her on and she would become defensive. She claimed she didn’t know any of this, but we had many many many conversations about everything I mentioned. She’s the type of person that puts blame on others for things that she had in her control that went sour, instead of taking accountability. I told her that I stepped out of my comfort zone to actually build a friendship with her. I told her I’m normally a loner, that is ok with being a loner. But she just disregarded all of the above mentioned things.
I feel extremely blessed my 3 I have in my life are my sisters but I think u just gotta know who is Judas in your circle
Whew
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