My favorite line from my ex-narc was "I am not your emotional babysitter..." One of the last times I saw him, he tried to hug me and I refused to. He messaged me later and said he felt so rejected that I wouldn't hug him. I told him, "I am not your emotional babysitter..." 😆 I don't think he liked that too much.
@@cazgearb5570 the ex narc i dated said that too! She was an emotional "punching bag" after my buddy died and i needed a shoulder to cry on. Truly sick people
To go along with “ I never said that,”. -- “ Give me an example “. or. “. What day?” What time.” Making You prove what they said. Just more conversation/arguing to confuse you even more!
How is this bad? It's not controlling and gives freedom of other person. This is not gaslighting since they are not trying to change your reality. They are literally accepting you and letting you believe what you believe. It's controlling to expect them to agree with you.
Or they taught you to be like them. I'm concerned most advice out there makes a person just like the narcissist. I can't say that's what's going on, but I simply want to warn you of the bad advice out there. Hurt people hurt people, break the pattern, don't fall into it please...
Supervisor would rush over to my desk and shout “Are you OK?” (Shouting and putting the emphasis on the OK we’re attempts to alert the team in the office that I’ve done or said something wrong.) It was all a projection of his own feelings when he couldn’t manipulate or control me. Therefore, I’d ask back loudly but not shouting “Are YOU okay?” That let know I wasn’t falling for his projection and it alerted the others that it’s not me, it’s him. He’s then look shocked and quickly walk back to his office.
One of my favorites from my narcissistic ex wife was….. “Everyone else knew you would behave like this.” She meant her friends but never actually answered. Eventually you have to let go of the person you actually love because it will destroy you if you don’t. It caused my health to decline and my financial stability to decline as well. I should have never went back to her but wanted my family together. I’d ask her “Who is everyone else specifically?”
@@pieceofevil84 exactly, they have an inherent or manipulative way to stick up for everyone else except you. it let's them keep their little fabricated secret to themselves like everyone is their bud and you are left in the dark.
They don't care what you think, how you feel but boy do they care how they feel! Everything you do will be awful, everything they do and say is dismissed or elevated. Plus they're ALL like that.
I'm surprised by how these descriptions are universal in the experience of those commenting including my own. I'm convinced that malignant narcissism is similar to psychopaths. Seven months into no contact. And this realization makes it so easy to maintain. Stay strong. Protect your Peace 🕊️.
Malignant narcissism is on the path to psychopathy and sociopathy [ASPD], so you are absolutely correct. So many patterns overlap with the two. Nice observation.
Something I've learned that proved very helpful is to listen carefully to the narc's accusations toward you because they are, in fact, admitting their own behaviour.
I agree with you...😢 He would be doing drugs & he was like this is all you want & he would do more & I would say , "just take it & go to your other GFs house...I know you are sick & you can have it all... I caught him hid out in my bathroom and he said you don't like this huh... I said no , but he knew in 2004 my then BF did meth/ice...I'm just tired anymore and after he beat me up June 24th, 25th and on the early morning of the 26th he ran outta my house...
@I.M.SofaKingdom same here. My ex refused to eat anything I made him because he too thought I was poisoning him. It's beyond ridiculous and, yes, quite unnerving.
she said , im too sensitive, she didn’t say that & i herd it wrong , im sorry you feel like that , you need to get help , it didn’t happen like that , in the end u question your own sanity
Here some other classic frases from my ex: - " you are not supportive of me" ( after me being always somewhat involved/ helping him in his side projects and side hustles, uni, etc) - " if am happy we will both be happy. So make sure, that I am happy first, then you will also be happy" - basically he was saying "help me with my needs and my emotional regulation first" - "It's my house, my car..." After ensuring me do financially spport me. He threw this in my face, whenever we had a fight. After I got my first job, I was supporting him financially and never did I say Something like that. Its just unfair. - " we always/only do what you want" - after asking me what I want to do and me telling him that I want to do X , but we can also something else. And now one of my favourites: - "you don't appreciate what I do for you" - I guess I should have appreciated the abuse more 😂
These phrases I not only heard in close relationships starting with my mother (you're imagining etc.) but also with bad therapists, social workers, administrative staff and even the professional group leader of a local self-help group (cult). Everytime I hear my very first therapist "You must be masochistic if you let them treat you that way. Leave and look for somebody else that treats you well.". By the time I wasn't able to ask how she meant it (Trigger - Amygdala - Flight-Freeze-Fawn Response - no logical, critical thinking available - chronic limbic system dysfunction), I understood it as "Shame on you! It's all your fault, you dumb ...!". Later I translated it for me to: I (you!) DESERVE to be treated better. I wasn't taught that I (we!) do have inherent value and it all makes sense now. Most of the time I was in functional freeze, sometimes in shutdown (completely drained). Predators see this (playing dead, trying to be as invisible, quiet, nice and inconspicuous as possible) as invitation to prey because nobody is "home" and protecting. For me it wasn't possible to switch to Fight response (not able to feel rage, anger - was suppressed from a very young age). Cutting cords and staying alone as long as I wanted was the best thing I could do for me. I'm still doing daily nervous system regulation exercises, heartmath breathing, somatics, EFT, TRE, etc. Thanks to Dr. Cat's "Primal Trust".
Being with my ex narc for the past 8 yrs. made me observe this very pattern. I think they wanted to feel very important in a way that is disturbing. Instead of building trust with their intimate partners, they destroy the trust that they built with you (in that case lying when they tried to put you in their pedestal). Once they have a committed partner, they can’t stand being loved authentically by one person. Instead they go on and prey on other women that is susceptible to their love bombing. My ex narc was a compulsive pursuer in a relationship. He would go back and forth to the women he were involved before or try to meet women in complicated situation so that going public isn’t an option while having you as their main supply. In the end they destroy the very person that loved them. They are like toddlers testing your love for them. Showing and telling them you love them isn’t enough, they will cheat on your face to make you feel inadequate even if you are more than they deserve. They want to test your love for them so they keep hurting you and when you have enough of their abuse, you leave. Then they tell you, ‘you never loved me because you abandon me’. Well in fact it’s their actions and narcissistic behavior that made you leave or in other cases they discard you and will give silly reasons of the discard. Mine would use, ‘she’s crazy’, ‘she’s a nega-star’, ‘she insults me’, ‘she cheated on me’ et al. So with this pattern of infidelities and emotional abuse (who knows what else) it’s better to walk away. I did walk away and is now rebuilding my life with our daughter. We are struggling financially because I’m not earning enough to provide for my daughter but now we get to laugh and bring with us sunshine every day. No lies, no abuse and no fake love. We only live once, forgive yourself and move forward but never forget the lesson that narc abuse taught you. That is to respect yourself to walk away from what’s hurting and destroying you. That you deserve a life of solitude, happiness and love. Hugs*** :) Additionally I got to know about my narc husband bad ways when I reach out to a private detective digitalinvestigate@gmail.com for help he did a perfect work for me I can see everything he’s doing on his device.
You are brave and resilient, all the best and it's fine being a single Mom! I was and my son appreciates how much zi love and worked hard for him. You can do it!
The phrase I think you missed: "I've changed!" I really wish I had talked with someone like you because it would have saved me 20 years of my life I wasted on a narcissist. My ex ticked all the boxes in this video. The only difference was that he escalated to violence when I finally decided I couldn't take him anymore. Then when I said I was leaving, he would cry and tell me he would change. He fooled me several times until I realized what a fool I was. I actually left twice and he convinced me to come back. His "change" lasted about 48 hours. What a caretaker I was! I knew he was sick and I really thought I could help him.
I COULDN'T EVEN GET HIM TO BUY US A DINING TABLE!?!? 😂😢 We use a cheap fold up bought from my paycheck. He refused to help look for one and would act completely indifferent or outwardly annoyed when I'd ask.
Mine kept throwing my grandmothers dining table across the room every time I got upset and said " no" to my former pastor for a " gift " of a dining table because he was a " minimalist" and thought we already " owned too much stuff" forget the fact that I told him that I wanted the dining table because I wanted a place to put my makeup on in the morning ( he hated that I had never cared that much about how I looked before and suddenly felt the need to wear makeup) forget the fact that I am now aging ( we were in our twenties when we got married and he made me feel beautiful 😍 even when I wasn't trying but when he got mad at me he literally told me that I was " an ugly ass one armed bitch" he always hit me EXACTLY where it hurt because he knew that it immobilized me. I just wanted to please him because I LOVED him but to him everything that I did was proof 🧾 that I was UNFAITHFUL and UNTRUSTWORTHY.
To be fair--and soeaking as someone who was raised by someone with NPD, and who has dated NPD--- "I'm sorry you feel that way" is ALSO an incredibly effective tool that can be used against them, especially when thwy try to use passive aggression/guilt tactics. Shuts them right down.
So triggering when the “i was busy” was said. Mine would say that and “i cant be constantly talking to you” when i brought up “hey you ghosted me for 3 days…i dont like that” the gaslighting is insane!
When me and my girlfriend are in an argument, and she becomes patronising and sarcastic. When I tell her. Don't talk to me like this, or when I say why do you talk to me like this. She ofte has said "you made me say, or you provoked me" I always find it wierd. Because I try to take accountability for my saying and doing, when say something hurtful or stupid
Cool video, My relationship of 5 years ended a month ago. The love of my life decided to leave me, I really loved him so much I can’t stop thinking about him, I’ve tried my very best to get him back in my life, but to no avail, I’m frustrated, I don’t see my life with anyone else. I’ve done my best to get rid of the thoughts of him, but I can’t, I don’t know why I’m saying this here, I really miss him and just can’t stop thinking about him
its difficult to let go of someone you love, i was in a similar situation, my relationship of 12 years ended, but i couldnt just let him go i did all i could to get him back, i had to seek the help of a spiritual counselor who helped me bring him back.
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10 phrases That REVEAL a Narcissists Manipulation 1.) I'm sorry you feel that way 2.) You're too sensitive 3.) I never said that 4.) You made me do it Or, This is all your fault Those may be part of "reactive abuse", where you are being abused specifically to get a reaction 5.) Everyone else agrees with me 6.) You're lucky I'm with you. You're lucky you have me No one else would put up with you 7.) I didn't mean it like that You're twisting my words That was taken out of context 8.) You're just imagining things 9.) Why can't you just let it go? 10.) You're the only one who has a problem with this 11.) You're petty after all I do for you
It was my fault he was yeling at me. or do drugs, My fault... n I was too sensitive. He told me I should shut my mouth , he said no one else wants to be around me that's why I have no friends. I always put his needs above mine. He would say he was only joking , I have no sense of humor, he insulted me many times then said I had hangup about my body . He called me crazy,
@@lindageiling5922 He knows there's something "wrong" with him. If they could tell The Truth, they would admit that. I am sorry that happened to you. I know. Believe me, I know. I believe that they have a Genetic Defect, or a Mutation in their genes. In fact, I don't "think" that, I KNOW IT. I AM SERIOUS. I BELIEVE THEY ARE POSSESSED BY A DEMON. I AM SERIOUS.
Wow, this video really opened my eyes! I’ve heard these phrases before but didn’t realize how deeply manipulative they can be. It’s amazing how narcissists use language to twist situations and maintain control. Thank you for breaking it down so clearly-this is going to help me spot the red flags and protect my boundaries in the future!
Lol if I was more like everyone else 😂, I'm sorry it is funny and refreshing to see what I escaped. The line was "You're the only one I argue with. I get along with everyone but you" 😂 Can't block out my memories honey to correspond with yours🤣 Thank you ✌🏼💕
What about them trying to say you’re gaslighting them because you called them out for lying to you once again or trying to say that I’m not remember what they said correctly. I even texted my sister while they were talking to me because I was sick of the story changing all the time. This is pretty spot on with never taking accountability, sorry you feel that way, and invalidating my feeling and not communicating with me or giving me reasons why they couldn’t talk about it. I would ask for my faults and what I could work on and it was well I don’t have a list that I keep and my anxiety is too bad to talk about this right now.
He locked his keys in the car. It was all my fault because i didnt have the extra set with me. The fact that I don't drive has nothing to do with it, Ishould have been prepared. I caught him cheating, but trying to discuss it was wrong of me. I just wanted to cause problems by bringing it up. And so on, forever, etc.
I just left my narcissist boyfriend on August 1. He immediately went on TikTok and started posting videos of him burning my stuff and calling me degrading names. Then on Aug 20, he called me and begged me to come back. He is in Georgia, but i had to go to California when I left him because my family is here. He was telling me that he loves me so much and he wants to spend the rest of his life with me and blah blah blah. Its a good thing that I didn't get in my car and drive to georgia because 4 days after the phone call, he made a TikTok video announcing that he was back with his ex girlfriend (the one before me who he says cheated on him and he said some horrible things about her too). But there he was, saying that he's glad that I left because now he's back with her and she is what he wanted all along. He changed up before I could even drive there! This is the phone call. I recorded it so I would have proof.... ua-cam.com/video/lSG8X7klcNM/v-deo.htmlsi=YyWHd1v_RwE7zply
I've learned all the terms now, like rumination, and have watched so many vids not just yours, and i've always known exactly all this stuff, but now i can just instantly spot more narc people, they way they are in line ups, or just walking past each other on sidewalks, my identification of the narcs early, really helps a lot. Talking to them is real obvious, they word sentences with too much authority. I respect respect, sorry bigtime narcs. My understanding is better now.
Could you do an episode about narcissistic stalkers? I'm dealing with one and would love to hear how one should handle situation where a narcissist forces their presence on you against your will and as such distance becomes impossible.
This is an awesome video thank you for doing it. I would love to see this video done for phrases in the workplace the variations on themes of bosses and co-workers. ✌️
the narcissist i was seeing is a mental health nurse she told me I have mother issues and I have other child issues She told me this crap while my mum was in hospital dying
To live with someone who is stuck in loveless transactions looking involved in lust or greed or arrogance or jealousy or righteous or fraudulent victim for our resources to be assessed for the. Be it energy, money, time, empathy, on and on. Leave as you can to heal your sucked out soul. You’ll be stronger one day. Stay true to the truth which is not them.
You're making a mountain out of a mole hill. Don't get your panties in a wad. Why can't you just forgive? Why can't you remember anything good? Why are you throwing that in my face?
Hello. I’ve watched many narc videos on how to dodge / confront / heal from the hurtful rage of a narc. All great tips, incl yours. Has the psychology field ever researched a physical cure for this narc condition, like meds, surgery, early childhood markers, diet, etc? It’s really sad to see a human with narcissism wander in society as a tornado without a fix to be nicer & empathetic, while their loved ones walk far away & stay away. 😢 (Meanwhile, we are recovering from the wrath of the tornado. Not enough therapists/psychologists to help.) Thank you.
"You always want to focus on the negative, all you do is b*th and complain, I feel sorry for you, Now I see why your last ex left you, I'm thinking about contacting your ex's on social media to ask them If they dealt with the same craziness that I've had to deal with, You love to play victim, You did this to yourself, I'm not apologizing for something you did"
I'm a long time survivor but I'm still a magnet for narcissists. It keeps happening, i get way more than statistical average of them in my life. they don't appear to be narcissists early in the relationship, but eventually expose themselves, sometimes after years. Is it possible that I have been inadvertently turning people into narcissists? How's that even possible? What can I do about it?
When I first started watching Narcissistic relationship channels a therapist actually tried giving us the viewers some helpful comments to help us out and one of them was "I'm sorry you feel that way." The lady said its putting the ownership on them instead of us taking on the self blame when they start but you have those words repeated back to you it actually is insensitive and rude. Especially because since then I've heard several therapists saying these words are not good words to say and explaining why
After ten years of marriage (no children), that went into celibate in the second year i have finally made the first move. I rented her an apartment where she can have all the private time that she needs. We agreed that she stays there until she finishes her education, 6 month, and in this period i pay her car and condo. Then we will make closure. And of course she is not keeping her part of the deal. She visits my house every time i travel, and she constantly needs economical help, and at the same time i see that she buys luxury items not needed. I really want to draw the final line now, but it will have major consequenses in her life, and i do not feel that i can live with that. She is a mild version of a narcissist, probably because i always provided it all (and still do). I have all the post narc reactions, but also an enormous feeling of suddenly being myself again. She stole 10 years of my life (and admitted it) but i am still not tough enough to ditch her.
I would hear…. “Babe why can’t you just be normal? Your insecurity makes you crazy.” No accountability for the inconsistency or unsafe behavior that made me feel completely uncentered.
hello dear lady Christina, i congratulate and admire you for the content you make on your channel i have been through two relationships with narcissistic partners......it is heartbreaking.......recently my last partner unblocked me on facebook asking me some information about a common acquaintance.....i answered him strictly to the point and then he asked me how i was doing? i replied that i had recovered my self-esteem! do you think he wanted to hoover? did i give him a correct answer? thank you very much. Have a nice day
The thing that gets left out of all these color by numbers psychology videos is that many of the no-no statements, for instance, you are taking this out of context or misremembering, can in fact be accurate. Not to mention, if you are being gaslit, the other person is "misremembering."
A relationship videos said if something feels a certain way that is not true for example say your girl is upset because she believes you talked to another girl. If you 100% didn't it's OK to be sorry they feel that way becomes it would be a false feeling. If it's false there is nothing for one's self to be sorry for so this first one is confusing
I'm dealing with my wife,do as I say not as I do,if I try and explain how I'm been treated,I get your undermining me,your belittling me,or I'm hurting her feelings to close any conversation,or I'm recording you to show how I bully her,so 23years seperate rooms,and my time to Jesus Christ amen.
Every point here doesn’t have to be exact, there are so many variations of these phrases. Just focus on the truth and if you feel respected, your love will be used against you
You’re playing the victim when I’m trying to say how I feel…or your just mad because your bored. Love is something earned like respect but doesn’t acknowledge anything you do.
my mom puts things in our food my dad caught her cleaning her self on him chicken gresse shes a Monster when my sisters went in to diets she filled the house with Candy mms
You do realize that the narcissist plays these exact same games on their victims as well.. You don't have to do anything to them.And they will demand in an apology.They will tell you that you did all of these things that you said all of these things that you never said they will confuse your words.Mix them up.Lie on you sabotage , you anyway , they can... How do? You defend yourself from this?I'm sorry you fill this way but it's not true.I didn't do those things... Are we supposed to give in to the narcissist?And admit that we did things that we didn't do or be called a narcissist.Ourselves because we refused to give in... I've even questioned if i'm a narcissist but I don't want to hurt her like she consistently hurts me. She thinks love equals Agreeing with whatever she says..... What happens when they cry and play the victim all the time? How are they not too sensitive.... These phrases are not only used by the narcissists.They are used by the victims......
That's why it is so important to get away from them. Dealing with them can make you pick up similar behavior as them, even though it is coming from a different place, it isn't healthy, and it could carry over into other relationships. No contact is so important to heal and become healthy.
@freeinJesus that's easiest said then done when it's your daughter And honestly I'm not even sure if it's her.If she's being spooned fed by her father, but I think it's her.I don't know... But i'm tired of defending myself. I have had to end contact but that's the hardest thing I've ever done 💔
@@sonja5954 I'm sorry it's your daughter, that would be really hard. I pray that things get better for you both. I would say then, be patient and pray for her, and you and your relationship together. No contact is not always the best answer, especially if it is with a child. Maybe she just needs you to hear her or try to understand her. She may just want to be heard. Or if she is being manipulated by her dad, she may be having a hard time with that, and confused.
@freeinJesus I've been praying for 5 years and she's my adult daughter. We tried counseling, but the therapist was determined.I was just like her She wouldn't listen to anything.I said she filtered it through how she felt because she felt I was just like her.I was constantly defending myself.. I tried. To explain to her even though we're both Mother's and we may have similar circumstances.But we are not just alike... She was. Telling me a story about her going to jail for beating her daughter.I've never done that.. That was between her and her daughter.She had no right to make my situation worse.And I think she only got into therapy so she can control her clients because she can no longer control her own daughter... I'm broken beyond repair
@@sonja5954 I'm sorry. I think many therapists must be narcissists and very toxic themselves. I'm not in your shoes so I don't really know what advice to give, I can imagine that would be so heartbreaking to go through with a child. For me, it is with my mother, she has been very abusive to me my whole life. I did finally have to go no contact with her, because she would have destroyed me completely if I hadn't. It took years to do so, it is so hard. Jesus has really helped me heal and grow though. It is an on going process of healing. I will pray for you. I pray that things will get easier for you and for healing, and comfort from God.
exactly. they are the ones getting upset acting like a victim when you no longer able to give them love or any verbal supply. then even in this situation you are the one to be blamed and being accused of “being cold, not loving, ignoring them etc.” and oc its another reason for them to punish you with silent treatment, with upset face, etc..
@@jeannedouglas9912 Agree, no contact is usually the best path.. ( But seldom without consequence ) But, standing firm will always win the day at the end...
@incognito595 my narc dad tried to hit me because the attention was on me. I was speaking spiritual truths and he didn't like it. He would rather show questionable filth on yt. I then decided no more. I gave 60 years of honor and respect. I have to honor and respect the real me.
"That never happened". Then 2 minutes later, "The only reason that happened, was because you did", then they accuse you of something that didn't happen. Reactive Abuse occurs when you get upset by their abuse, then they hit you with: "You're scary when you get like this". "You're lucky I'm willing to be with you, because no one else will, once they see how crazy you're acting" "Why are you abusing me? I never did anything to make you react this crazy". "You need help, you're shouting and carrying on over nothing" "You're sick in the head" "You're accusing me of something that didn't happen. What's wrong with you?" They're all the same, same phases, same games, same false reality. I bet yours also does the driving too fast to scare you thing. People with empathy deserve to be loved and treated with respect. My heart goes out to people who are trapped in a narcissists web. Other people have escaped, and you can too. Only thing you can't do, is get them to change. But life is so much better without narcissists in your life, and their thoughts in your head.
Oh my gosh this right here is so true! These relationships are so frustrating i swear I want to pull my hair out. all their denial, gaslighting and don't forget the word salad...oh almost forgot, the cherry on top...the fake nice ugh 😒...I say definitely run before they have the opportunity to get their tentacles in you. They don't let go easily.
That driving to fast to scare you thing I thought only happened to me. I will not get in the car with him if he is n one of his moods. I have lived through too many car tantrums and they are scary.
My mother's latest deflection and dismissive tech ique is to say "I can't do that psychological stuff". This should come with a subtext of; I can say and do whatever I like, I can elevate your father, I can make you feel bad and take zero accountability! Basically I can say any old 💩, but you say anything and you're really bad and should feel shame and guilt!
@@bereal6590 That sounds awful. It sounds like your stuck, and you need to talk about the abuse/mistreatment, but your mother is deflecting to avoid responsibility. Other people have healed from narcissistic parents or relationships, but it was from their own hard work, and many people really benefited from finding a therapist who understood. The desire to get the person to change their harmful behaviour is normal, but it contributes to keeping people stuck, because narcissists are not capable of love or changing their behaviour. But I do hope that you'll be able to heal, and grow, and have good friends who enjoy spending time with you, and who you feel safe with.
@MomLAU I love this, because it doesn't try to fight the narcissist's reality. It approaches them with curiosity of their reality as if true. At the same time, It let's them know you see through the lies.
*Wondering if YOU had a relationship with a narcissist? Download the FREE checklist to see how your experience stacks up to the phases of narcissistic abuse: www.commonego.com/checklist
I should of woke up 33 years ago when I paid half of the groceries for his dog and things he only ate and his beer.. I was always bringing dinner to his house "oh and don't worry if Leannes here we watch TV together" ... Ya I'm the 19 year old idiot that thought he was "just" friends with 4 other women..
When mine was messaging his female staff inappropriately he would respond with “Well, it wouldn’t bother me if you did it so I don’t know why you’re upset”? So I messaged a male colleague and, guess what? My narc was upset, very upset indeed 😆 That’s when I reminded him of his words to me. Oh, and showed him the door!
At first it seems you fight against how they change your vibe, but then it becomes obvious whether its the narc in question or another one, that this naivete needing its cage rattled. While we hear how people go from narc to narc, there are those who learn the psychopathy as best as possible and never get caught again. Otherwise it really machochistic. That should make anyone throw up. Imo, a unique vulnerability is where this narc shit show can happen. Past the weaker moment and into post narc wisdom, anyone can be narc immunized for life. It at least wouldn't go as far as does first one. Kinda like it was a perfect storm of events all at the same time. Night night narcs out there. Wouldnt wanna be ya !
The one I heard was, "Your lucky I love you". Also when I would try to bring something up, she would deflect back to me and say "You know your problem is that your not busy enough or you don't have enough goals. Also when raising something if I would bring it back to the original argument after she deflected, she would say this is turning into an argument and use it to try and stop the discussion.
You described all these perfectly. All the phrases you mentioned or some form of it, my ex-girlfriend, has said or has done. After 8 years, I am finally done. I walked away 6 months ago. I am still healing, and I have been getting better.
My Mom used to say "you probably did something to set me off!" But she didn't need setting off - she was high maintenance anyway and gigantic enormous reactions to the simplest of things
07:25 This whole triangulation thing is a very slimy tactic, but they actually tell on themselves if you are really paying attention instead of getting sucked into a pointless argument with them. In a lot of cases, these "other people" who agree with them about how terrible you are probably haven't even heard your side of the story - which means they could have only gotten this malicious information that formed this bad opinion of you from ONE person... So again, if other people think badly of you when they don't know the whole story, all that is is simply EVIDENCE that you're being shit-talked behind your back by the narcissist. They aren't painting a good picture of you to other people, they aren't avoiding airing out your dirty laundry and respecting the privacy of your relationship, they aren't above omitting context and information to distort the perception of you and make themselves look like the blameless victim. So again, other people thinking badly of you without hearing you out isn't a reflection of you being bad.... it's a sign that someone is smearing you because they have no loyalty to you.
Having lived with one for far too long, it is not worth it, it really is a loveless relationship filled with deceit , lies and deflecting when they are caught out indicating that you are the one with the problem or you are the bad person. Run for the hills if you ever encounter one and if you are already in a relationship with one, get out as soon as you can, and in the meanwhile start to emotionally detach yourself from them to save your own sanity. It`s hell and you do not want to have a child with a narcissist as your child will suffer long term due to the toxicity.
The hardest part with no contact is to love yourself enough to stand your ground and not cave in when they try to win you back… He has broken a part of me, I cannot even recognize myself anymore. I don’t even know who I am anymore. I still have a hard time realizing what I have been through for two and a half years… At first, I thought he was just a dismissive avoidant, a hurt child deep inside that needed time and care… But the more I started to wake up, the more I saw his real face behind the mask. He has been leading me on and stringing me along for so long, every time I was seeking answers and explanations, he would shut me down and play the victim, making me the evil villain. When I opened my eyes and understood I’d never get answers and closure, I threatened to leave and to cut him out. That’s when he would double down and promise change, a future together, everything I was asking for… He was gaslighting me and stonewalling every time I would take his mask off, blaming me for everything. I was going no contact when I got the « accidental picture of him that he had just found », I got the video chats attempts to manipulate me, I got the « I’m coming round and wanting the same thing as you now »… All of this was just a blatant, deceiving act to hold me back and keep destroying me and my mental wellbeing. These people will demolish you until they find a better victim to play with. They are not able to recover from these hideous tactics and this incomprehensible manipulation to the sane mind. The worst part is that he had warned me one day, telling me « all of his exes called him manipulative and he didn’t understand ». I should have taken the heads up more seriously… It was and it is still extremely painful to stay no contact, but my peace of mind immediately came back. I feel relief, freedom and safety now. Remember: if something feels off with someone, it usually is…
My favorite line from my ex-narc was "I am not your emotional babysitter..." One of the last times I saw him, he tried to hug me and I refused to. He messaged me later and said he felt so rejected that I wouldn't hug him. I told him, "I am not your emotional babysitter..." 😆 I don't think he liked that too much.
@@coolitdown gross! Mine said "im not your savior" while i provided everything for her. Who was saving who? Well, i know who was.
They hate it when you use the words against them.
Oh my god my guy says ‘I’m not your shrink or your emotional punchbag’
@@cazgearb5570 the ex narc i dated said that too! She was an emotional "punching bag" after my buddy died and i needed a shoulder to cry on. Truly sick people
😂😂😂🎉🎉
To go along with “ I never said that,”. -- “ Give me an example “. or. “. What day?” What time.” Making You prove what they said. Just more conversation/arguing to confuse you even more!
How about, "I'm done talking about this, believe what you want."
I love this one! Oh, yes, because I WANT to believe my spouse cheats and lies :-)
THAT ONE!
How is this bad? It's not controlling and gives freedom of other person. This is not gaslighting since they are not trying to change your reality.
They are literally accepting you and letting you believe what you believe. It's controlling to expect them to agree with you.
This statement though!!! Omg
@@oliver7011 it's them refusing to take accountability when they treat someone badly- intentionally.
When I would hold my ground .. my ex would like to say "Wow, that escalated quickly". I now translate that as Wow, I can't gaslight you right now ...
Or they taught you to be like them. I'm concerned most advice out there makes a person just like the narcissist. I can't say that's what's going on, but I simply want to warn you of the bad advice out there. Hurt people hurt people, break the pattern, don't fall into it please...
Supervisor would rush over to my desk and shout “Are you OK?” (Shouting and putting the emphasis on the OK we’re attempts to alert the team in the office that I’ve done or said something wrong.) It was all a projection of his own feelings when he couldn’t manipulate or control me. Therefore, I’d ask back loudly but not shouting “Are YOU okay?” That let know I wasn’t falling for his projection and it alerted the others that it’s not me, it’s him. He’s then look shocked and quickly walk back to his office.
One of my favorites from my narcissistic ex wife was…..
“Everyone else knew you would behave like this.”
She meant her friends but never actually answered. Eventually you have to let go of the person you actually love because it will destroy you if you don’t. It caused my health to decline and my financial stability to decline as well. I should have never went back to her but wanted my family together.
I’d ask her “Who is everyone else specifically?”
Last time I used that line to hold them accountable it was met with "I'm not at liberty to say who for their sake"
I said the same thing to my ex wife...who is everybody?
@@pieceofevil84 exactly, they have an inherent or manipulative way to stick up for everyone else except you. it let's them keep their little fabricated secret to themselves like everyone is their bud and you are left in the dark.
it's the manipulative way of their deflective of meaning that "you aren't part of the club."
They never answer....anything.
They don't care what you think, how you feel but boy do they care how they feel! Everything you do will be awful, everything they do and say is dismissed or elevated. Plus they're ALL like that.
They feel good because they win everytime
I'm surprised by how these descriptions are universal in the experience of those commenting including my own. I'm convinced that malignant narcissism is similar to psychopaths. Seven months into no contact. And this realization makes it so easy to maintain. Stay strong. Protect your Peace 🕊️.
It is crazy. I used to tell my ex that I've also read the "Super Douche's Guide To Being A Piece of Shit" and so I recognized the games he was playing
Malignant narcissism is on the path to psychopathy and sociopathy [ASPD], so you are absolutely correct. So many patterns overlap with the two. Nice observation.
Something I've learned that proved very helpful is to listen carefully to the narc's accusations toward you because they are, in fact, admitting their own behaviour.
I agree with you...😢
He would be doing drugs & he was like this is all you want & he would do more & I would say , "just take it & go to your other GFs house...I know you are sick & you can have it all...
I caught him hid out in my bathroom and he said you don't like this huh...
I said no , but he knew in 2004 my then BF did meth/ice...I'm just tired anymore and after he beat me up June 24th, 25th and on the early morning of the 26th he ran outta my house...
@@Leesa1303 I'm sorry you had to go through all that 😔
Yep everything they are accusing you of they are doing themselves because that is exactly what they are doing and they think everyone does it
That's disturbing. He kept accusing me of trying to poison him 🤔.
@I.M.SofaKingdom same here. My ex refused to eat anything I made him because he too thought I was poisoning him. It's beyond ridiculous and, yes, quite unnerving.
she said , im too sensitive, she didn’t say that & i herd it wrong , im sorry you feel like that , you need to get help , it didn’t happen like that , in the end u question your own sanity
Here some other classic frases from my ex:
- " you are not supportive of me" ( after me being always somewhat involved/ helping him in his side projects and side hustles, uni, etc)
- " if am happy we will both be happy. So make sure, that I am happy first, then you will also be happy" - basically he was saying "help me with my needs and my emotional regulation first"
- "It's my house, my car..." After ensuring me do financially spport me. He threw this in my face, whenever we had a fight. After I got my first job, I was supporting him financially and never did I say Something like that. Its just unfair.
- " we always/only do what you want" - after asking me what I want to do and me telling him that I want to do X , but we can also something else.
And now one of my favourites:
- "you don't appreciate what I do for you" - I guess I should have appreciated the abuse more 😂
I’ve heard every single one of these so many times…
I never said that...... walk away immediately and never look back. For your own good.
Unless they are trying to put words in your mouth. I would say I never said that because I NEVER SAID THAT 😮😂😂😂
These phrases I not only heard in close relationships starting with my mother (you're imagining etc.) but also with bad therapists, social workers, administrative staff and even the professional group leader of a local self-help group (cult). Everytime I hear my very first therapist "You must be masochistic if you let them treat you that way. Leave and look for somebody else that treats you well.". By the time I wasn't able to ask how she meant it (Trigger - Amygdala - Flight-Freeze-Fawn Response - no logical, critical thinking available - chronic limbic system dysfunction), I understood it as "Shame on you! It's all your fault, you dumb ...!". Later I translated it for me to: I (you!) DESERVE to be treated better. I wasn't taught that I (we!) do have inherent value and it all makes sense now. Most of the time I was in functional freeze, sometimes in shutdown (completely drained). Predators see this (playing dead, trying to be as invisible, quiet, nice and inconspicuous as possible) as invitation to prey because nobody is "home" and protecting. For me it wasn't possible to switch to Fight response (not able to feel rage, anger - was suppressed from a very young age). Cutting cords and staying alone as long as I wanted was the best thing I could do for me. I'm still doing daily nervous system regulation exercises, heartmath breathing, somatics, EFT, TRE, etc. Thanks to Dr. Cat's "Primal Trust".
Being with my ex narc for the past 8 yrs. made me observe this very pattern. I think they wanted to feel very important in a way that is disturbing. Instead of building trust with their intimate partners, they destroy the trust that they built with you (in that case lying when they tried to put you in their pedestal). Once they have a committed partner, they can’t stand being loved authentically by one person. Instead they go on and prey on other women that is susceptible to their love bombing. My ex narc was a compulsive pursuer in a relationship. He would go back and forth to the women he were involved before or try to meet women in complicated situation so that going public isn’t an option while having you as their main supply. In the end they destroy the very person that loved them. They are like toddlers testing your love for them. Showing and telling them you love them isn’t enough, they will cheat on your face to make you feel inadequate even if you are more than they deserve. They want to test your love for them so they keep hurting you and when you have enough of their abuse, you leave. Then they tell you, ‘you never loved me because you abandon me’. Well in fact it’s their actions and narcissistic behavior that made you leave or in other cases they discard you and will give silly reasons of the discard. Mine would use, ‘she’s crazy’, ‘she’s a nega-star’, ‘she insults me’, ‘she cheated on me’ et al. So with this pattern of infidelities and emotional abuse (who knows what else) it’s better to walk away. I did walk away and is now rebuilding my life with our daughter. We are struggling financially because I’m not earning enough to provide for my daughter but now we get to laugh and bring with us sunshine every day. No lies, no abuse and no fake love. We only live once, forgive yourself and move forward but never forget the lesson that narc abuse taught you. That is to respect yourself to walk away from what’s hurting and destroying you. That you deserve a life of solitude, happiness and love. Hugs*** :) Additionally I got to know about my narc husband bad ways when I reach out to a private detective digitalinvestigate@gmail.com for help he did a perfect work for me I can see everything he’s doing on his device.
You are brave and resilient, all the best and it's fine being a single Mom! I was and my son appreciates how much zi love and worked hard for him. You can do it!
So he is a narcisist and you control his phone
How about “you think too much!”?
Followed by it doesn't matter
Or you are too much in your head.
The phrase I think you missed: "I've changed!" I really wish I had talked with someone like you because it would have saved me 20 years of my life I wasted on a narcissist. My ex ticked all the boxes in this video. The only difference was that he escalated to violence when I finally decided I couldn't take him anymore. Then when I said I was leaving, he would cry and tell me he would change. He fooled me several times until I realized what a fool I was. I actually left twice and he convinced me to come back. His "change" lasted about 48 hours. What a caretaker I was! I knew he was sick and I really thought I could help him.
I COULDN'T EVEN GET HIM TO BUY US A DINING TABLE!?!? 😂😢 We use a cheap fold up bought from my paycheck. He refused to help look for one and would act completely indifferent or outwardly annoyed when I'd ask.
Mine kept throwing my grandmothers dining table across the room every time I got upset and said " no" to my former pastor for a " gift " of a dining table because he was a " minimalist" and thought we already " owned too much stuff" forget the fact that I told him that I wanted the dining table because I wanted a place to put my makeup on in the morning ( he hated that I had never cared that much about how I looked before and suddenly felt the need to wear makeup) forget the fact that I am now aging ( we were in our twenties when we got married and he made me feel beautiful 😍 even when I wasn't trying but when he got mad at me he literally told me that I was " an ugly ass one armed bitch" he always hit me EXACTLY where it hurt because he knew that it immobilized me. I just wanted to please him because I LOVED him but to him everything that I did was proof 🧾 that I was UNFAITHFUL and UNTRUSTWORTHY.
I am so sorry that you had to go through that. It's crazy making. Believe me I know ❤
My favorite from my mother is "don't be ridiculous".
To be fair--and soeaking as someone who was raised by someone with NPD, and who has dated NPD---
"I'm sorry you feel that way" is ALSO an incredibly effective tool that can be used against them, especially when thwy try to use passive aggression/guilt tactics.
Shuts them right down.
So triggering when the “i was busy” was said. Mine would say that and “i cant be constantly talking to you” when i brought up “hey you ghosted me for 3 days…i dont like that” the gaslighting is insane!
When me and my girlfriend are in an argument, and she becomes patronising and sarcastic. When I tell her. Don't talk to me like this, or when I say why do you talk to me like this. She ofte has said "you made me say, or you provoked me"
I always find it wierd. Because I try to take accountability for my saying and doing, when say something hurtful or stupid
Cool video, My relationship of 5 years ended a month ago. The love of my life decided to leave me, I really loved him so much I can’t stop thinking about him, I’ve tried my very best to get him back in my life, but to no avail, I’m frustrated, I don’t see my life with anyone else. I’ve done my best to get rid of the thoughts of him, but I can’t, I don’t know why I’m saying this here, I really miss him and just can’t stop thinking about him
its difficult to let go of someone you love, i was in a similar situation, my relationship of 12 years ended, but i couldnt just let him go i did all i could to get him back, i had to seek the help of a spiritual counselor who helped me bring him back.
Amazing, how did you get a spiritual counselor, and how do i reach him?
His name is Father Obah Eze, and he is a great spiritual counselor who can bring back your ex.
he is father obah eze, he has great powers, he can help you.
Thank you for this valuable information, i just looked him up now online. impressive
Wow I just looked Father Obah Eze on the net he’s very legit thanks once again ❤
They are exhausting.
10 phrases That REVEAL a Narcissists Manipulation
1.) I'm sorry you feel that way
2.) You're too sensitive
3.) I never said that
4.) You made me do it
Or, This is all your fault
Those may be part of "reactive abuse", where you are being abused specifically to get a reaction
5.) Everyone else agrees with me
6.) You're lucky I'm with you.
You're lucky you have me
No one else would put up with you
7.) I didn't mean it like that
You're twisting my words
That was taken out of context
8.) You're just imagining things
9.) Why can't you just let it go?
10.) You're the only one who has a problem with this
11.) You're petty
after all I do for you
My ex narc would rarely apologize but it was by saying: ‘My bad’. Faux-pology!
Mind games👍🏼
It was my fault he was yeling at me. or do drugs, My fault... n I was too sensitive. He told me I should shut my mouth , he said no one else wants to be around me that's why I have no friends. I always put his needs above mine. He would say he was only joking , I have no sense of humor, he insulted me many times then said I had hangup about my body . He called me crazy,
Sorry you had to deal with someone like that. Hoping it's in the past for you now 🙏❤️
@@lindageiling5922 You have to say "I Deserve Better." Keep saying that until you escape.
@@lindageiling5922 He knows there's something "wrong" with him. If they could tell The Truth, they would admit that. I am sorry that happened to you. I know. Believe me, I know. I believe that they have a Genetic Defect, or a Mutation in their genes. In fact, I don't "think" that, I KNOW IT. I AM SERIOUS. I BELIEVE THEY ARE POSSESSED BY A DEMON. I AM SERIOUS.
Wow, this video really opened my eyes! I’ve heard these phrases before but didn’t realize how deeply manipulative they can be. It’s amazing how narcissists use language to twist situations and maintain control. Thank you for breaking it down so clearly-this is going to help me spot the red flags and protect my boundaries in the future!
Once he said how much I hurt him so I started crying as I didn’t want to hurt him and he said ‘don’t turn this around and make it about you now’. Wow
Special cruelty comes out when you cry.😭 Brutal
I am so glad my husband shared this channel with me!
Lol if I was more like everyone else 😂, I'm sorry it is funny and refreshing to see what I escaped. The line was "You're the only one I argue with. I get along with everyone but you" 😂 Can't block out my memories honey to correspond with yours🤣 Thank you ✌🏼💕
What about them trying to say you’re gaslighting them because you called them out for lying to you once again or trying to say that I’m not remember what they said correctly. I even texted my sister while they were talking to me because I was sick of the story changing all the time. This is pretty spot on with never taking accountability, sorry you feel that way, and invalidating my feeling and not communicating with me or giving me reasons why they couldn’t talk about it. I would ask for my faults and what I could work on and it was well I don’t have a list that I keep and my anxiety is too bad to talk about this right now.
If only i could share this video with my wife
He locked his keys in the car. It was all my fault because i didnt have the extra set with me. The fact that I don't drive has nothing to do with it, Ishould have been prepared.
I caught him cheating, but trying to discuss it was wrong of me. I just wanted to cause problems by bringing it up.
And so on, forever, etc.
You must know my parents and my ex-wife. They use all your phrases...
Great video! Thank you!
I just left my narcissist boyfriend on August 1. He immediately went on TikTok and started posting videos of him burning my stuff and calling me degrading names. Then on Aug 20, he called me and begged me to come back. He is in Georgia, but i had to go to California when I left him because my family is here. He was telling me that he loves me so much and he wants to spend the rest of his life with me and blah blah blah. Its a good thing that I didn't get in my car and drive to georgia because 4 days after the phone call, he made a TikTok video announcing that he was back with his ex girlfriend (the one before me who he says cheated on him and he said some horrible things about her too). But there he was, saying that he's glad that I left because now he's back with her and she is what he wanted all along. He changed up before I could even drive there! This is the phone call. I recorded it so I would have proof....
ua-cam.com/video/lSG8X7klcNM/v-deo.htmlsi=YyWHd1v_RwE7zply
I've learned all the terms now, like rumination, and have watched so many vids not just yours, and i've always known exactly all this stuff, but now i can just instantly spot more narc people, they way they are in line ups, or just walking past each other on sidewalks, my identification of the narcs early, really helps a lot. Talking to them is real obvious, they word sentences with too much authority. I respect respect, sorry bigtime narcs. My understanding is better now.
Could you do an episode about narcissistic stalkers? I'm dealing with one and would love to hear how one should handle situation where a narcissist forces their presence on you against your will and as such distance becomes impossible.
for one thing- get off social media
This is an awesome video thank you for doing it. I would love to see this video done for phrases in the workplace the variations on themes of bosses and co-workers. ✌️
My narc friend tells me often...you do too much for your kids and grandkids!."
and my ex wife said " you are good with the children -but not with me"
@@vidarbirkeland6127 narcs are better with kids...
This is great! Thank you!!
the narcissist i was seeing is a mental health nurse she told me I have mother issues and I have other child issues She told me this crap while my mum was in hospital dying
To live with someone who is stuck in loveless transactions looking involved in lust or greed or arrogance or jealousy or righteous or fraudulent victim for our resources to be assessed for the. Be it energy, money, time, empathy, on and on. Leave as you can to heal your sucked out soul. You’ll be stronger one day. Stay true to the truth which is not them.
You're making a mountain out of a mole hill. Don't get your panties in a wad. Why can't you just forgive? Why can't you remember anything good? Why are you throwing that in my face?
"Why are you living in the past?" 🙄
It is funny how they utter, 'well then be it to your own devices' and leave you up a c reek without a paddle.
Great talk, thank you.
The covert narcissist used to say all of these. I don't care about him anymore and I don't talk to him. It feels good to not care anymore.
Spot on!
Hello. I’ve watched many narc videos on how to dodge / confront / heal from the hurtful rage of a narc. All great tips, incl yours. Has the psychology field ever researched a physical cure for this narc condition, like meds, surgery, early childhood markers, diet, etc? It’s really sad to see a human with narcissism wander in society as a tornado without a fix to be nicer & empathetic, while their loved ones walk far away & stay away. 😢 (Meanwhile, we are recovering from the wrath of the tornado. Not enough therapists/psychologists to help.) Thank you.
"You always want to focus on the negative, all you do is b*th and complain, I feel sorry for you, Now I see why your last ex left you, I'm thinking about contacting your ex's on social media to ask them If they dealt with the same craziness that I've had to deal with, You love to play victim, You did this to yourself, I'm not apologizing for something you did"
I'm a long time survivor but I'm still a magnet for narcissists. It keeps happening, i get way more than statistical average of them in my life. they don't appear to be narcissists early in the relationship, but eventually expose themselves, sometimes after years. Is it possible that I have been inadvertently turning people into narcissists? How's that even possible? What can I do about it?
Hello there Christina! 😂😉♥️
Hi Pete! 🙏♥️
When I first started watching Narcissistic relationship channels a therapist actually tried giving us the viewers some helpful comments to help us out and one of them was "I'm sorry you feel that way." The lady said its putting the ownership on them instead of us taking on the self blame when they start but you have those words repeated back to you it actually is insensitive and rude. Especially because since then I've heard several therapists saying these words are not good words to say and explaining why
He said, you sre overthinking😢
After ten years of marriage (no children), that went into celibate in the second year i have finally made the first move. I rented her an apartment where she can have all the private time that she needs. We agreed that she stays there until she finishes her education, 6 month, and in this period i pay her car and condo. Then we will make closure. And of course she is not keeping her part of the deal. She visits my house every time i travel, and she constantly needs economical help, and at the same time i see that she buys luxury items not needed.
I really want to draw the final line now, but it will have major consequenses in her life, and i do not feel that i can live with that. She is a mild version of a narcissist, probably because i always provided it all (and still do). I have all the post narc reactions, but also an enormous feeling of suddenly being myself again. She stole 10 years of my life (and admitted it) but i am still not tough enough to ditch her.
I never said that,( oh this is why I started to record everything thing😊) I may have epilepsy but my phone doesn't 👍
I would hear…. “Babe why can’t you just be normal? Your insecurity makes you crazy.” No accountability for the inconsistency or unsafe behavior that made me feel completely uncentered.
I’m the best guy you have ever been with
hello dear lady Christina, i congratulate and admire you for the content you make on your channel i have been through two relationships with narcissistic partners......it is heartbreaking.......recently my last partner unblocked me on facebook asking me some information about a common acquaintance.....i answered him strictly to the point and then he asked me how i was doing? i replied that i had recovered my self-esteem! do you think he wanted to hoover? did i give him a correct answer? thank you very much. Have a nice day
The thing that gets left out of all these color by numbers psychology videos is that many of the no-no statements, for instance, you are taking this out of context or misremembering, can in fact be accurate. Not to mention, if you are being gaslit, the other person is "misremembering."
A relationship videos said if something feels a certain way that is not true for example say your girl is upset because she believes you talked to another girl. If you 100% didn't it's OK to be sorry they feel that way becomes it would be a false feeling. If it's false there is nothing for one's self to be sorry for so this first one is confusing
Wish there was a way to message you, I have an issue with a narcissist with the Love of my life
I'm dealing with my wife,do as I say not as I do,if I try and explain how I'm been treated,I get your undermining me,your belittling me,or I'm hurting her feelings to close any conversation,or I'm recording you to show how I bully her,so 23years seperate rooms,and my time to Jesus Christ amen.
Jesus. My old boss said a lot of these.
my mom spits in our food owes me soo much money shes totally possed insane
What happens when you mirror them?
WHAT?😮
Block block block!! 🚫
Your kids are worried about you too. Please get help. For them.
What if they did overreact?
I am a narcissist 😂
Every point here doesn’t have to be exact, there are so many variations of these phrases. Just focus on the truth and if you feel respected, your love will be used against you
Do crocodile tears count as a phrase? 😅. That was always my ex's go too when his nonsense deflections weren't working
took 21 years for my ex-wife to reveal her true self....
You’re playing the victim when I’m trying to say how I feel…or your just mad because your bored. Love is something earned like respect but doesn’t acknowledge anything you do.
my mom puts things in our food my dad caught her cleaning her self on him chicken gresse shes a Monster when my sisters went in to diets she filled the house with Candy mms
You do realize that the narcissist plays these exact same games on their victims as well.. You don't have to do anything to them.And they will demand in an apology.They will tell you that you did all of these things that you said all of these things that you never said they will confuse your words.Mix them up.Lie on you sabotage , you anyway , they can... How do?
You defend yourself from this?I'm sorry you fill this way but it's not true.I didn't do those things... Are we supposed to give in to the narcissist?And admit that we did things that we didn't do or be called a narcissist.Ourselves because we refused to give in... I've even questioned if i'm a narcissist but I don't want to hurt her like she consistently hurts me. She thinks love equals Agreeing with whatever she says..... What happens when they cry and play the victim all the time? How are they not too sensitive....
These phrases are not only used by the narcissists.They are used by the victims......
That's why it is so important to get away from them. Dealing with them can make you pick up similar behavior as them, even though it is coming from a different place, it isn't healthy, and it could carry over into other relationships. No contact is so important to heal and become healthy.
@freeinJesus that's easiest said then done when it's your daughter And honestly I'm not even sure if it's her.If she's being spooned fed by her father, but I think it's her.I don't know... But i'm tired of defending myself. I have had to end contact but that's the hardest thing I've ever done 💔
@@sonja5954 I'm sorry it's your daughter, that would be really hard. I pray that things get better for you both. I would say then, be patient and pray for her, and you and your relationship together. No contact is not always the best answer, especially if it is with a child. Maybe she just needs you to hear her or try to understand her. She may just want to be heard. Or if she is being manipulated by her dad, she may be having a hard time with that, and confused.
@freeinJesus I've been praying for 5 years and she's my adult daughter. We tried counseling, but the therapist was determined.I was just like her She wouldn't listen to anything.I said she filtered it through how she felt because she felt I was just like her.I was constantly defending myself.. I tried.
To explain to her even though we're both Mother's and we may have similar circumstances.But we are not just alike... She was.
Telling me a story about her going to jail for beating her daughter.I've never done that.. That was between her and her daughter.She had no right to make my situation worse.And I think she only got into therapy so she can control her clients because she can no longer control her own daughter... I'm broken beyond repair
@@sonja5954 I'm sorry. I think many therapists must be narcissists and very toxic themselves. I'm not in your shoes so I don't really know what advice to give, I can imagine that would be so heartbreaking to go through with a child. For me, it is with my mother, she has been very abusive to me my whole life. I did finally have to go no contact with her, because she would have destroyed me completely if I hadn't. It took years to do so, it is so hard. Jesus has really helped me heal and grow though. It is an on going process of healing. I will pray for you. I pray that things will get easier for you and for healing, and comfort from God.
Triangulation. My answer is, I don't care what your goofy friends think of me.
Please STOP the weird fast speaking! Thank you!
DON'T WASTE YOUR TIME. REALLY. WHY WOULD YOU WASTE YOUR TIME? YOUR LIFE IS SHORT. IT WILL NEVER CHANGE. EVER.
Yes
I ❤ that statement, life it too short. Thanks for that comment.
They reject you in a 1000 different ways, then act confused when you don't want to be around them, blame you, guilt you and shame you.
I am here right know, he dosent understand why I am so cold.
exactly. they are the ones getting upset acting like a victim when you no longer able to give them love or any verbal supply. then even in this situation you are the one to be blamed and being accused of “being cold,
not loving, ignoring them etc.” and oc its another reason for them to punish you with silent treatment, with upset face, etc..
@@linlinali it's just impossible and hurts a lot in my experience. 🤚✌️
RUN AND DON'T LOOK BACK.
Agree! Run!!!
Please, save yourself.
I did that 6 weeks ago. Best decision I’ve made in my 62 years.
It's not in a true empaths nature to run.
@@jeannedouglas9912 Agree, no contact is usually the best path.. ( But seldom without consequence ) But, standing firm will always win the day at the end...
I'm 63. I've been narcissisticly abused for 60 years. Thank you for helping me heal.
@@jodimo Same! Almost my whole life. I just didn't know WHAT TO CALL IT!
@incognito595 my narc dad tried to hit me because the attention was on me. I was speaking spiritual truths and he didn't like it. He would rather show questionable filth on yt. I then decided no more. I gave 60 years of honor and respect. I have to honor and respect the real me.
It’s probably 63 years but you have memories from about 3 years old.
"That never happened". Then 2 minutes later, "The only reason that happened, was because you did", then they accuse you of something that didn't happen.
Reactive Abuse occurs when you get upset by their abuse, then they hit you with:
"You're scary when you get like this".
"You're lucky I'm willing to be with you, because no one else will, once they see how crazy you're acting"
"Why are you abusing me? I never did anything to make you react this crazy".
"You need help, you're shouting and carrying on over nothing"
"You're sick in the head"
"You're accusing me of something that didn't happen. What's wrong with you?"
They're all the same, same phases, same games, same false reality. I bet yours also does the driving too fast to scare you thing.
People with empathy deserve to be loved and treated with respect. My heart goes out to people who are trapped in a narcissists web. Other people have escaped, and you can too.
Only thing you can't do, is get them to change. But life is so much better without narcissists in your life, and their thoughts in your head.
Oh my gosh this right here is so true! These relationships are so frustrating i swear I want to pull my hair out. all their denial, gaslighting and don't forget the word salad...oh almost forgot, the cherry on top...the fake nice ugh 😒...I say definitely run before they have the opportunity to get their tentacles in you. They don't let go easily.
This is exactly what he would say
That driving to fast to scare you thing I thought only happened to me. I will not get in the car with him if he is n one of his moods. I have lived through too many car tantrums and they are scary.
My mother's latest deflection and dismissive tech ique is to say "I can't do that psychological stuff". This should come with a subtext of; I can say and do whatever I like, I can elevate your father, I can make you feel bad and take zero accountability! Basically I can say any old 💩, but you say anything and you're really bad and should feel shame and guilt!
@@bereal6590 That sounds awful. It sounds like your stuck, and you need to talk about the abuse/mistreatment, but your mother is deflecting to avoid responsibility.
Other people have healed from narcissistic parents or relationships, but it was from their own hard work, and many people really benefited from finding a therapist who understood.
The desire to get the person to change their harmful behaviour is normal, but it contributes to keeping people stuck, because narcissists are not capable of love or changing their behaviour.
But I do hope that you'll be able to heal, and grow, and have good friends who enjoy spending time with you, and who you feel safe with.
Shapeshifters.
🦎
Yes! “Charming Chameleons”
And you'll notice that when "everyone else agrees", they won't give you any names of people who (supposedly) agree.
@MomLAU I love this, because it doesn't try to fight the narcissist's reality. It approaches them with curiosity of their reality as if true. At the same time, It let's them know you see through the lies.
Yes, it’s always nameless “friends” and family who hate the target of the Narc.
*Wondering if YOU had a relationship with a narcissist? Download the FREE checklist to see how your experience stacks up to the phases of narcissistic abuse: www.commonego.com/checklist
I should of woke up 33 years ago when I paid half of the groceries for his dog and things he only ate and his beer.. I was always bringing dinner to his house "oh and don't worry if Leannes here we watch TV together" ... Ya I'm the 19 year old idiot that thought he was "just" friends with 4 other women..
When mine was messaging his female staff inappropriately he would respond with “Well, it wouldn’t bother me if you did it so I don’t know why you’re upset”? So I messaged a male colleague and, guess what? My narc was upset, very upset indeed 😆 That’s when I reminded him of his words to me. Oh, and showed him the door!
At first it seems you fight against how they change your vibe, but then it becomes obvious whether its the narc in question or another one, that this naivete needing its cage rattled. While we hear how people go from narc to narc, there are those who learn the psychopathy as best as possible and never get caught again. Otherwise it really machochistic. That should make anyone throw up. Imo, a unique vulnerability is where this narc shit show can happen. Past the weaker moment and into post narc wisdom, anyone can be narc immunized for life. It at least wouldn't go as far as does first one. Kinda like it was a perfect storm of events all at the same time. Night night narcs out there. Wouldnt wanna be ya !
The one I heard was, "Your lucky I love you". Also when I would try to bring something up, she would deflect back to me and say "You know your problem is that your not busy enough or you don't have enough goals. Also when raising something if I would bring it back to the original argument after she deflected, she would say this is turning into an argument and use it to try and stop the discussion.
You described all these perfectly. All the phrases you mentioned or some form of it, my ex-girlfriend, has said or has done. After 8 years, I am finally done. I walked away 6 months ago. I am still healing, and I have been getting better.
Good for you!❤❤❤
I really needed this list 25 years ago when I was going through it. I am glad these resources are available now.
My Mom used to say "you probably did something to set me off!" But she didn't need setting off - she was high maintenance anyway and gigantic enormous reactions to the simplest of things
07:25 This whole triangulation thing is a very slimy tactic, but they actually tell on themselves if you are really paying attention instead of getting sucked into a pointless argument with them. In a lot of cases, these "other people" who agree with them about how terrible you are probably haven't even heard your side of the story - which means they could have only gotten this malicious information that formed this bad opinion of you from ONE person... So again, if other people think badly of you when they don't know the whole story, all that is is simply EVIDENCE that you're being shit-talked behind your back by the narcissist.
They aren't painting a good picture of you to other people, they aren't avoiding airing out your dirty laundry and respecting the privacy of your relationship, they aren't above omitting context and information to distort the perception of you and make themselves look like the blameless victim. So again, other people thinking badly of you without hearing you out isn't a reflection of you being bad.... it's a sign that someone is smearing you because they have no loyalty to you.
Very helpful video! Thank you for posting this! :)
My ex was 100% Narc and ALL of these phrases were used all the time.
Having lived with one for far too long, it is not worth it, it really is a loveless relationship filled with deceit , lies and deflecting when they are caught out indicating that you are the one with the problem or you are the bad person. Run for the hills if you ever encounter one and if you are already in a relationship with one, get out as soon as you can, and in the meanwhile start to emotionally detach yourself from them to save your own sanity. It`s hell and you do not want to have a child with a narcissist as your child will suffer long term due to the toxicity.
My personal favorite is “I’m just kidding” or “it’s just a joke” 🙄 if no one’s laughing, it’s not a joke
The hardest part with no contact is to love yourself enough to stand your ground and not cave in when they try to win you back… He has broken a part of me, I cannot even recognize myself anymore. I don’t even know who I am anymore.
I still have a hard time realizing what I have been through for two and a half years… At first, I thought he was just a dismissive avoidant, a hurt child deep inside that needed time and care… But the more I started to wake up, the more I saw his real face behind the mask. He has been leading me on and stringing me along for so long, every time I was seeking answers and explanations, he would shut me down and play the victim, making me the evil villain. When I opened my eyes and understood I’d never get answers and closure, I threatened to leave and to cut him out. That’s when he would double down and promise change, a future together, everything I was asking for… He was gaslighting me and stonewalling every time I would take his mask off, blaming me for everything. I was going no contact when I got the « accidental picture of him that he had just found », I got the video chats attempts to manipulate me, I got the « I’m coming round and wanting the same thing as you now »… All of this was just a blatant, deceiving act to hold me back and keep destroying me and my mental wellbeing. These people will demolish you until they find a better victim to play with. They are not able to recover from these hideous tactics and this incomprehensible manipulation to the sane mind. The worst part is that he had warned me one day, telling me « all of his exes called him manipulative and he didn’t understand ». I should have taken the heads up more seriously…
It was and it is still extremely painful to stay no contact, but my peace of mind immediately came back. I feel relief, freedom and safety now. Remember: if something feels off with someone, it usually is…