I seriously want to cry from happiness every time you post because I feel like every video was made for me. It feels so nice to feel recognized, given the correct tools, and to not feel so alone.
This video describes every man I’ve ever dated. They never give a F when I’m there, and I love them. When I finally hate their guts and want nothing to do with them, that’s when they suddenly care. No more. Being alone is best.
I think you have completely missed what the problem in the story is. The problem is mainly the girl writing the story. He was not perfect but he put in lots of effort. The problem is Her.
this man clearly cared, made so many accommodations for her , she never cared! not even remotely your situation. The book "he's just not that into you" changed my life when I read it in my 20s.
Same! For me, I can trace it back to Disney in the form of Aladin and Little Mermaid, where I started thinking in a limerence mindset. It's a difficult habit it break at first, but hard work pays off 💪
5:47 "losing him felt unimaginable", "what felt like home". those are the symptoms happened to me with all my karmic relationships!!! i was sooo scared to lose them, like there wouldn't be anyone else like them. that was i thought. also yes, they felt like "home". but my home is a messy one. it's where my childhood traumas took place, it's place where i received abusive treatments from my parents!! if you're into spiritual stuff, you know that karmic energy is pretty much like this. karmic pattern is that back & forth pattern with painful feeling/situation that doesn't seem to improve. it only gets worse. once the lesson learned, it will fall apart. be careful when you meet someone that feels like "home" while your home doesn't feel okay. bcs it could be that they play out your childhood wounds, such as mother wounds or father wounds. all the karmic guys i met, they behaved like my emotionally unavailable parents. some of them even acted like my controlling mother. they invalidated me and micromanaging me. horrible!!. another sign of karmic relationship is a continuous misunderstanding with no or minimum improvement. you'd feel lonely in karmic relationship, maybe even sad but don't understand why. so please be careful, observe more! after i healed my inner wounds, my childhood traumas, i could notice my "delusional" parts, where i unknowingly deceived myself. now my definition of love has changed. i know that it wasn't love but fantasy, idealization, lust, limerence, even erotomania 🤦🏻♀️. i'm glad I'm in better shape now. your videos helped me a lot Anna. thank you!
Almost 9 years I was with my former situationship partner, who I was trauma bonded with. After it blew up by cheating, the clarity hurt, but 4 years of healing later, it's finally resolving itself. Love can blossom in a heart that has healed, but it's not healthy love when it trys to bloom in a wounded heart. First stop reeling from the knife in the guts, then figure out how to safely remove the knife. After it stops being a life threatening condition, a slow death btw, then our center enters the next few stages of the healing process. Heal first, and then learn how not to be twisted up about the scars you carry. The scars must be accepted and appreciated for what they can teach us about how to learn to love ourselves better first. May everyone who reads be blessed in their healing journey, for it is a journey of self discovery, best done to connect to healthier people in the future 💛
I just finished watching Downton Abbey for the first time. I loved the scene when Mrs. Patmore, the cook, tells Daisy, the orphaned scullery maid promoted to assistant cook, that Daisy is only interested in young men when they are no longer interested in her. Bingo!
So much emotional intimidation & psychological violence went on as well as neglect & rejection in early life from loved ones. is it really a mystery we fall in love with those who resemble our first rejection?
Wow what a great video! Trauma definitely ruined my first real relationship. I've been punishing myself for the last 10 years. I'm now aware of how bad my limerence is, and am open to mutual interact love!
took me 17 years... we all get there in our own time and some poor souls probably never get there at all. It's not the number of years it took you , but what you do from that day forward... dont dwell too much on those 10 years!
This really speaks to me and I'm over here crying. I don't have one specific thing that comes up... So I'm guessing it's for all the times that I've had to walk away from someone that I loved, but I knew it wasn't working. I finally got tired of doing that because it hurts. So I began my healing journey. It's been 10 years... And they've gone by really fast. I'm most certainly in a better place.
People aren’t going to endlessly wait for you as you keep sabotaging and pushing them away, maybe you didn’t love them enough, maybe you didn’t love yourself enough, sometimes both partners fall into this push pull pattern slowly destroying each other and the relationship.
Thank you Anna for being one of the few wholesome people online in this genre. A lot of the narc life coaches go on about narcissists yet you look at their social media and it's clear they are one also...
I'd like the opportunity to spend more time with my "crush," but he's married, I've had 19.5 sober years of feeling good in my own skin, so THAT'S not going to happen. I know that I'm also drawn to him because he's been in this area longer than me (I moved back 3.5 years ago to take care of my late spouse in end-stage Alzheimer's), and so has a much fuller social and professional life than I do. I'm taking more action to build my own new life: I'm volunteering for a local environmental stewardship group that does a lot of hiking. This weekend I'm going to a local food and music fair, then the next night going out to dinner with a friend, who's also been isolated too long after being widowed, with Covid making it worse. We're going to dress up, enjoy just "being seen," and be open to talking with friendly men in the restaurant.
Definitely can relate to limerence activated by loss. Abandonment and loss can be absolutely unbearable to experience. I’m adopted and have most of the symptoms you discuss related to CPTSD. Thank you for all your work, you’re helping so many people.
I’m currently casually seeing a guy who is basically a ghost… extremely avoidant and detached. I have disorganized attachment so I, myself and largely detached, although I do occasionally feel the strong pull of my preoccupation. I’m so tired of this push and pull. Last night I had a dream about my ex who is seeing someone new and was also very avoidant and “ghostly” too. Woke up with so much longing. I know what’s happening but how do you turn off yourself from being drawn to these types?? I’m 32yo and worry I will never have a healthy relationship with a man ever.
I don't think we should date while healing. Trauma lead often to wrong and poor choices Give yourself a year or so to avoid putting yourself in those kind of situations over and over again. I recommend you Pete Walker book from surviving to thriving.
@@noneofyourbuizness I didn’t date, no intimacy for 2.5 years.. been there, done that, doesn’t always work. I’m at the 3rd-4th quarter of my healing journey, but doesn’t stop how bad the dating scene is right now. Most folks are detached.
It's very interesting you call them ghostly. I think the same and I even see them visually as ghostly at times, ie. Greyish aura that makes them appear not fully materialised 🤔 ... As for how to turn yourself off them? Good question! My fantasy guy, then became my boss ... Now I want to leave my job but I have done this before, ie. Sacrificed my own activities of choice to avoid these situation so I can let the experience fade ... But that doesn't work either. I have noticed that by keeping him at arm's length, the experience is actually a part of my healing journey and he is a tool to help me heal. This seems to be working for a time anyway ... Deep down I really want to quit my job and run away ... But I am now 51 years old and know that you cannot run away from the crux of the matter because it is within me, not them.
Awe man I recognise this girls story 😢 10 years 2 different relationships of intermittent reinforcement 😢 Abandonment & Rejection with limerance omg it’s sooooooo painful 😢 Struggling with auto immune disorders now along with ptsd from betrayal trauma of my last ex sleeping with other women 😢😢😢 Attachment wounding is absolutely awful and right now I am in abandonment depression xxx
This is some crazy shit... ive noticed this happening to me many times and always felt so ashamed, its weird because i could see that it didnt any make sense but couldnt stop myself from feeling like this.
Thank you for this. I suffer intensely over losing my ex-fiancé because I was unable to control my CPTSD triggers and abandonment fears. He was the love of my life, and I have such longing for him, it consumes every waking thought. I don’t know if it’s limmerance, grief, shame…maybe all of it. This video creates a small opening of hope and I am grateful.
Finally some one who has the same story as me! Can’t get over it! But self sabotaged because these abandonment issues indeed. Would u like to talk about it privately?
That's exactly it! When I've met people who have 'felt like home', it was because they were unavailable, passive aggressive, traumatised hot messes- just like my earliest childhood home was!
Great video, gross subject. Definitely feel for this chick. It reminds me a lot of the person I tried to date multiple times over 3 years. He's in his mid 30s, me late 20s and he was the party-goer. I was trying to be responsible with my work. Then ultimately getting brain tumors and needing multiple brain surgeries, 3 in one year. so I couldn't go out alot. One of the last arguments we had, before I quit trying to get back with him. Was when he told me, I felt too much and I was too emotional. I told him, he doesn't feel enough and just seems emotionally dead. He said he's fine with that and he's happy the way he is. I reiterated, you would rather feel nothing then feel anything and he said yes. It was very telling at that point and I couldn't argue with the truth. Definitely would have been nice to have this information much, much, earlier and I wouldn't have wasted so much time with him. Between the 3 years with him and two years previous, in a physically abusive relationship. I have no doubt in my mind that's how the brain tumors grew. Continual cortisol being released in the system isn't good for the body and always can bubble up in diseases if left gone unchecked. I was always in flight or fight mode and both of the relationships, I either felt like I was going to get screamed at or ignored. if I said anything how I really felt. For the last 13 months I've been single, healing and much happier. So much less stress. There's a huge difference between people that have issues and are honest about them and at least are trying to work on them. opposed to people like him and the other guy, that believe they're perfect and everyone else is the problem. I definitely understand the role I played. even when I was being treated like total crap, I still tried and I shouldn't have. But also recognizing within the last couple years, I was just doing what I was taught in my childhood. that "love" was how much BS you could take from someone. Also had to step away from all of my family. because I realized the behavior I allowed with them was coming up in my intimate relationships and friendships. Greatful for growth 🌱☀️✨
My heart broke at : that "love" Was how much bullshit you can take from someone. Strumming my pain with your words. You helped me so much, it's an epiphany for me. Thank you.
Yesterday I finally told my ex to stop contacting me. I feel a huge sense of relief. He is a drug addict and had a good heart that wanted my constant help as his life was constant drama.
Hi. That 12 point thing the other day. I ticked them all. This one helped me understand what happened a little clearer. Thank you. Be well and stay safe.
There's a song called "picture of you" from the cure. The lyrics remind me of limerance. In the end the singer realized that he was in love with "the pictures of you". She's having a "phantom ex" , that's interfering with her real relationships now. Classic for having an avoidant attachment style. The phantom ex syndrome, is described in the book "Attached" by Amir Levine and Rachel Heller. E"ssentially, the phantom ex is used as a way to perpetually keep the person they are with from ever getting close enough to threaten that independence. And if you really think about it, it makes a lot of sense. For an avoidant, the perfect relationship is one in which they can fawn from afar." The Phantom Ex Syndrome "is an idealized, past partner that secretly serves to block the Dismissive Avoidant's ability to form an initimate attachment". They do not do it on purpose, but it is a classic syndrome. The memory of this idealized previous partner is used as a weapon when the Dismissive tires-as they quickly do-of a real relationship and its demands; no one could measure up to "the one that got away" . This is another distancing trick to keep real intimacy at bay. It does not change anything, even if he would come back, she wouldn't have the ability to stay.
Omg.... this so describes what I know I have. I'm always somewhat hung up on an ex. Until the latest one becomes an ex, then I'm hung up on him, and so on...
@@contr4dixion the good news is:, it's not written in stone. You can work on it and become securely attached, it's called "earned secure", because for very good reasons you developed an avoidant attachment style but you can earn it through a bit of work to become secure. It is a bit unfair, because first you suffered as child and now you have put in some extra work but at least it is not written in stone 🍀🍀🍀 good luck
This hit hard. Lost an amazing 4 year relationship due to trauma two years ago. This helps me let it go and stop sabotaging the now because I want that back. Thanks 🙏🏻😊
Thank you for all the information you’re sharing …. I’ve gone to two or three therapists that couldn’t tell me anything ….. you have helped me understand my CPTSD
Benefit of couples counselling: opportunity to get to mutual understanding while keeping the communication/argument potential in check. Thanks for helping me figure out a way to articulate that when bringing the idea up
Going to avoid relationships and dating. I love someone who has now detached it was my first serious dating experience and they were very experienced and it didn’t work out I wanted commitment and they wanted to date around. The pain from the rejection and the chasing after them trying to apologize for every little thing and being ignored after being so vulnerable with them and now no contact from them is unbearable. Reading comment section and listening to videos on this channel make me feel less alone. I’m glad I have these resources in this dark time
@@jordansthoughts54 sorry but I don't have a helpful answer. It's only been 1 month no contact and I am still crying everyday and still ruminating and longing and I don't know how to move on. I've moved on before plenty of times but I know this time it feels impossible in a different way. We were eachother's cheerleaders, best friends, we prayed together every night and I feel like we shared too much. I don't know what to do with this pain and anger
@@dsb1080 yeah there is so much pain and anger. and it was just confirmed that they officially moved on. its a helpless feeling. I'm sorry that happened to you. feels good to know I'm not alone
Thank you for all your videos on limerence. I watch them when I feel myself slipping as a kind of pinch to get back to reality. Also this is only tangential to the video, but I feel so skeptical when people say that you'll fall in love multiple times. I'm almost 30 and the only person I had deep feelings for (and ran away from because I was scared) died. Some days it doesn't feel like a loving relationship is in my future at all, and it's painful to think that. I know I should love my own company and all that, but I really would love to share my life with someone ☹️
The “Aaron” never loved her at all! Love is an action of mutual and consistent, support, respect, presence, care, and understanding. Suzanne needs to heal so that she can’t be open to falling in love with a man who genuinely loves her, and is perfectly ready to show it right now. It’s fully possible. I’ve recently re-programmed myself via shadow work, occult studies (spirituality and psychology), and reiki and subliminal videos. It took me years, but maybe it will take her a lot less. Putting in that work is absolutely necessary.
When she talked about going on a cross country van trip with him that made me worried for her safety... especially since he seemed obsessed with her. Glad nothing bad happened
Thank you Anna for your videos. This one especially hit home for me. This was really a great explanation of limerance. Finally a word to describe what I have experienced.
Like all of us victims of the hypnotic allure of limerence, the answers to recovery eventually come when you confront your childhood trauma. And it IS confronting 😅 But better that than continuing the behaviour and thereby only adding to the trauma.
Limerance makes me so utterly happy and lonely/ sad within seconds. But I cannot stop thinking about this person and trying to meet her. Don't know why I cannot stop it....
It feels like betrayal because they thought they would be in each other's lives forever...or she thought he would "always be there." But who does that? Daddy says that to a little girl. That's what my daddy probably said. Then one day he died. That was 27 years ago but that was one of the first betrayals. (I describe other betrayals elsewhere). The daddy one is universal. All daddies die, sooner or later. It still feels like a broken promise. Somewhere inside, the little hurt girl is abandoned when daddy is not there anymore to "fix it." When I was very small, I thought my daddy could fix anything. Learning that he couldn't or that one day he wouldn't was a minor epiphany. And so it goes. Thanks again from Akko.
I'm training myself to see their shitty behaviour as a total turn off. No more of this trauma, it's been enough. I still am holding out for healthy love. I truly am. I may never get it, but I will not allow my past to hold my heart prisoner.
It is like drug-addiction isn't it. You feel good at first and then things become toxic but if you try to stop taking the drug you experience withdrawal and crave the drug again. My last two relationships we're like this. Eventually I realised that it was the fantasy of this person that I was in love with. Took a bit of counselling for me to find the strength to move on. I also felt bet it was female hormones that were influencing my emotions after I went through menopause I didn't care about men so much anymore only as friends.
@@CrappyChildhoodFairy I still experience limerence but I recognise that now and I don't act on it. I'm an artist and a romantic so I can get obsessed by anything I find beautiful. It gets complicated doesn't it 😀. I'm 64 now so I have chosen to prioritise my family and health 1st to carry me forward and hope to maintain a healthy balance in my life. And if I can find a healthy relationship with a man along the way that would be great but I am OK if that doesn't happen. I have 3 sons and 3 grandsons so I have plenty of gorgeous men in my life who love me as I love them.
Sounds like a Fearful avoidant (Disorganized) attachment style. Even when you end it it never feels over, and continues to feel like a decision you have to make becuase there's always a foot in the door. "I can't live, with or without you." - U2
this is my story as well, 10 years in this kind of things. I got better in last couple years, but it's still very hard for me, I can't go completely, it's so vicious!
This story basically happened to me ….we were on/off from age 19-22…ge was 4 yrs older….I suffered needlessly for so long & the truth was now that I’m married….I would have never been happy with him….he ended up getting divorced & called me…we met & I saw he definitely wasn’t for me
Those 3 words maybe 4 THEN WILL MOVE ON....jesus I have such difficulty with these words ..its RIDICULOUS what I stick around for ..who I stick around for..and even CONSIDER being still in love with even long wayyyy after others likely would have pulled the plug...homelessness mental health soreing issues and addiction .....and I still love him thou have built some serious boundries I'm defending ...
you just sort of grade that relationship as the most real because of the seeming intensity of display of emotions.. but its a faulty standard to hold in ones mind. the dynamic of that relationship might be viewed as toxic and all those professing of love is immature and unnecessary... ive been there myself.. i love intensity and drama. thats how i see my value as being desirable. when i see my suppose lover suffering because of me, thats how i mistakenly assume im most loved but when i look at it now, all i see were two immature individuals who didnt know any better..
Sounds like what you love is having control over people and their emotions. When they squirm in your grip, you love them the most? No, it's just the feeling of power over others.
at least there is a name for the infatuation i had back in the eighties for a woman i thught cared about me, even when she demonstrated that she was just playing games with me, by her own admission. it took me a few months of no contact to realise that it was indeed a game and i had been played for a fool. romance wise, i took myself off thge market and have stayed that way for three dozen years.
Do you have a video specifically on what you were speaking about at the start with taking good partners for granted? I feel like I get 'bored' and even 'sick' when I think of intimacy with this good person. I don't know why or what to do
How to go though the difference phases of a brake up a trauma bonding for a person that has CPTSD?, I imagine is complex and different than people who has not trauma and decides to dissolve a relationship......
thank you thank you for these videos. h0ow helpful they are .I have always this issue. I ever had real boyfriends except one husband-:) ... and I could not have real people. always I fell in love madly someone who won't be with me. and I did this one person for years and I waited waited .Ths person turned out to be total snake in suit. so I guess he was perfect love affair in my dreams-::)
I disagree. I think she DID love him which triggered her and made her scared of imagined future abandonment, which in turn made her avoidant. She wanted him to keep pursuing her and change his unvalidating ways so they could finally be together in a more ideal way. And when that didn’t happen and she found out that he had moved on instead, it crushed her and crushed her reality. I feel her pain 💔❤️🩹
I find the psychology behind all this quiet inspiring. I wanna contribute some philosophy to it. Tolstoy wrote : "Living without love makes life very easy, its just that it also gets completely meaningless" I dont wanna let go (after 15 years) because if I do, then it means that its something I have the choice over, and if thats the case then this means that the next one will be a choice too, thus I wont be fate/something happening to me. You either can do something or you cant, either have the choice over something or you dont. If you can turn it off, then you already know that you can just as much turn off the nest one. If you can turn off the next one, then what is the point of even starting it ? So before asking yourself if you can, also ask whether you should ? There is a Russian song that goes like : "God punished all humans with love, so that through pain they learn to have faith again" And the healing through introveted patience is I believe very much true. Avoidig casual sex and diving into your trauma will actually direct your preserving energy into your wounds and dissort them. Nevertheless, you can built a healthy family relationship with trust, respect and empathy after that if thats what you wish. But dont rebrand it into "love", love is meant to be one, it doesnt care to end well or not. Its purpose is not to in successfully, its purpose is to lead us into mental transcendance, leading to authentic and peaceful detachment. Detachment of all thigs, even our love, which it actually is, cause its not the authentic unconditionnal one. In eastern religions, mariage has the purpose to fulfill you so much, with its abundance, that by the age 50-75 you are, best case scenario, meant to leave your family and go prepare for death in a monastery or the woods by yourself. If you remain in thhe family this means that you haven't outgrown it, overcome it. I'm not trying setting anyone any milestone here, I just wanted help some of you visualize the general direction, cause there is only one path...
Ive wanted to get counseling but i feel like a fool myself. Its a no brainer he got physical and that isnt good. It was unhealthy i get it. But why cant i get over it
Seems to me she was using him...if he'd done to her what she did to him, whoa..,,He jumped through hoops for her...she comes across to me as manipulative, immature doesn't know what the heck she wants. Hangs on to one thing while reaching for another, never satisfied with what she's got. He should count himself lucky to have 'lost' her imo.
I don't understand 😕. ? What is Limerance? That isn't the way things happened with me anyway. People stole people's words from my phone then tried to roleplay people I actually cared for or set people up that I cared for. It was craziness alright but not really real people if that makes sense
@@transitionsnc not really. It’s normal to not know for sure if you want to spend the rest of your life with a person when you first meet. He sounds like a normal healthy guy. She sounds like drama.
I seriously want to cry from happiness every time you post because I feel like every video was made for me. It feels so nice to feel recognized, given the correct tools, and to not feel so alone.
Me too
So true!
same here
😁💕
Same.
This video describes every man I’ve ever dated. They never give a F when I’m there, and I love them. When I finally hate their guts and want nothing to do with them, that’s when they suddenly care. No more. Being alone is best.
Amen Sista!!!!
I think you have completely missed what the problem in the story is. The problem is mainly the girl writing the story. He was not perfect but he put in lots of effort. The problem is Her.
this man clearly cared, made so many accommodations for her , she never cared! not even remotely your situation. The book "he's just not that into you" changed my life when I read it in my 20s.
@@y.peffle2802 Obviously she's comparing the WOMAN who wrote in to the men in her life.
Every time I see "Limerence" in the title, that's an automatic click for me!
Same! For me, I can trace it back to Disney in the form of Aladin and Little Mermaid, where I started thinking in a limerence mindset. It's a difficult habit it break at first, but hard work pays off 💪
I love that Anna exists in the world. So much compassion and kindness together with so much clear-headedness and clarity.
Me too, thanks Anna.
5:47 "losing him felt unimaginable", "what felt like home".
those are the symptoms happened to me with all my karmic relationships!!! i was sooo scared to lose them, like there wouldn't be anyone else like them. that was i thought. also yes, they felt like "home". but my home is a messy one. it's where my childhood traumas took place, it's place where i received abusive treatments from my parents!!
if you're into spiritual stuff, you know that karmic energy is pretty much like this. karmic pattern is that back & forth pattern with painful feeling/situation that doesn't seem to improve. it only gets worse. once the lesson learned, it will fall apart. be careful when you meet someone that feels like "home" while your home doesn't feel okay. bcs it could be that they play out your childhood wounds, such as mother wounds or father wounds. all the karmic guys i met, they behaved like my emotionally unavailable parents. some of them even acted like my controlling mother. they invalidated me and micromanaging me. horrible!!. another sign of karmic relationship is a continuous misunderstanding with no or minimum improvement. you'd feel lonely in karmic relationship, maybe even sad but don't understand why. so please be careful, observe more!
after i healed my inner wounds, my childhood traumas, i could notice my "delusional" parts, where i unknowingly deceived myself. now my definition of love has changed. i know that it wasn't love but fantasy, idealization, lust, limerence, even erotomania 🤦🏻♀️. i'm glad I'm in better shape now. your videos helped me a lot Anna. thank you!
I feel this so harddd. Ugh it can be soo painful. But I’m hoping that learning about it will help 🙂
Thank you! Healing is possible
Thank you so much for sharing.
I totally get where you're coming from 🙏💕🕊️
You described it beautifully, thank you 💗
Almost 9 years I was with my former situationship partner, who I was trauma bonded with. After it blew up by cheating, the clarity hurt, but 4 years of healing later, it's finally resolving itself. Love can blossom in a heart that has healed, but it's not healthy love when it trys to bloom in a wounded heart.
First stop reeling from the knife in the guts, then figure out how to safely remove the knife. After it stops being a life threatening condition, a slow death btw, then our center enters the next few stages of the healing process. Heal first, and then learn how not to be twisted up about the scars you carry. The scars must be accepted and appreciated for what they can teach us about how to learn to love ourselves better first.
May everyone who reads be blessed in their healing journey, for it is a journey of self discovery, best done to connect to healthier people in the future 💛
@@transitionsnc you're welcome. Glad to hear that what I've learned so far has help others also! 🥰
"Love can blossom in a heart that has healed, but it's not healthy love when it trys to bloom in a wounded heart." love this
yes! love this comment so much. “Love can blossom in a heart that has healed but…”. Writing it down! So poetic
Do you mind if I use the wording "love can blossom..." in my future videos? 😊
@@HealwithRannn I do not mind at all, glad it's resonating with others 💛 spread the love blossom 🌺
I just finished watching Downton Abbey for the first time. I loved the scene when Mrs. Patmore, the cook, tells Daisy, the orphaned scullery maid promoted to assistant cook, that Daisy is only interested in young men when they are no longer interested in her. Bingo!
Loved that show!
-Cara@TeamFairy
I was so surprised at how I fell in love this DA. Such a great show!! Sybil ❤
So much emotional intimidation & psychological violence went on as well as neglect & rejection in early life from loved ones. is it really a mystery we fall in love with those who resemble our first rejection?
Wow what a great video! Trauma definitely ruined my first real relationship. I've been punishing myself for the last 10 years. I'm now aware of how bad my limerence is, and am open to mutual interact love!
Thanks for watching!
-Cara@TeamFairy
took me 17 years... we all get there in our own time and some poor souls probably never get there at all. It's not the number of years it took you , but what you do from that day forward... dont dwell too much on those 10 years!
This is why it is called a crush.... It crushes your soul!!... This is why I avoid relationships altogether .. too many "crushes"!!
Oh, my God... 💔😢
This is me and I struggle every day to function despite my history of neglect and longing for care and validation. Thank you for these videos.
Thank you for sharing.
-Cara@TeamFairy
This really speaks to me and I'm over here crying. I don't have one specific thing that comes up... So I'm guessing it's for all the times that I've had to walk away from someone that I loved, but I knew it wasn't working. I finally got tired of doing that because it hurts. So I began my healing journey. It's been 10 years... And they've gone by really fast. I'm most certainly in a better place.
Thanks for watching!
-Cara@TeamFairy
People aren’t going to endlessly wait for you as you keep sabotaging and pushing them away, maybe you didn’t love them enough, maybe you didn’t love yourself enough, sometimes both partners fall into this push pull pattern slowly destroying each other and the relationship.
Omg... I bawled so much listening to this story....why..............
Guess I just relate to the same feelings, and therefore same kinds of wounds...
Anna is so like healing ... she is has the best advice ever ..nd best analysis of the situation , its like these videos exist .. so thankful ...
Thank you Anna for being one of the few wholesome people online in this genre. A lot of the narc life coaches go on about narcissists yet you look at their social media and it's clear they are one also...
She needs to get into a 12 step group and explore hobbies . A great way to meet people with common interests ...
I'd like the opportunity to spend more time with my "crush," but he's married, I've had 19.5 sober years of feeling good in my own skin, so THAT'S not going to happen. I know that I'm also drawn to him because he's been in this area longer than me (I moved back 3.5 years ago to take care of my late spouse in end-stage Alzheimer's), and so has a much fuller social and professional life than I do. I'm taking more action to build my own new life: I'm volunteering for a local environmental stewardship group that does a lot of hiking. This weekend I'm going to a local food and music fair, then the next night going out to dinner with a friend, who's also been isolated too long after being widowed, with Covid making it worse. We're going to dress up, enjoy just "being seen," and be open to talking with friendly men in the restaurant.
Married men should be an absolute no go.
Definitely can relate to limerence activated by loss. Abandonment and loss can be absolutely unbearable to experience. I’m adopted and have most of the symptoms you discuss related to CPTSD. Thank you for all your work, you’re helping so many people.
Hello, fellow adoptee. Same. And we need to get being adopted onto the ACES score (Adverse Childhood Experiences study).
Same. Same.
Thanks for sharing your experience, glad you are here.
-Cara@TeamFairy
I'm proud of him to get out of that toxic relationship
Him!? Both …
I’m currently casually seeing a guy who is basically a ghost… extremely avoidant and detached. I have disorganized attachment so I, myself and largely detached, although I do occasionally feel the strong pull of my preoccupation. I’m so tired of this push and pull. Last night I had a dream about my ex who is seeing someone new and was also very avoidant and “ghostly” too. Woke up with so much longing. I know what’s happening but how do you turn off yourself from being drawn to these types?? I’m 32yo and worry I will never have a healthy relationship with a man ever.
Ido t understand.
Are you asking to help you understand what you want ? or are you asking how to get it ?
I don't think we should date while healing. Trauma lead often to wrong and poor choices
Give yourself a year or so to avoid putting yourself in those kind of situations over and over again.
I recommend you Pete Walker book from surviving to thriving.
@Liz_Neptune: there is more support available, you can check out options on the CCF website!
-Cara@TeamFairy
@@noneofyourbuizness I didn’t date, no intimacy for 2.5 years.. been there, done that, doesn’t always work. I’m at the 3rd-4th quarter of my healing journey, but doesn’t stop how bad the dating scene is right now. Most folks are detached.
It's very interesting you call them ghostly. I think the same and I even see them visually as ghostly at times, ie. Greyish aura that makes them appear not fully materialised 🤔 ... As for how to turn yourself off them? Good question! My fantasy guy, then became my boss ... Now I want to leave my job but I have done this before, ie. Sacrificed my own activities of choice to avoid these situation so I can let the experience fade ... But that doesn't work either.
I have noticed that by keeping him at arm's length, the experience is actually a part of my healing journey and he is a tool to help me heal. This seems to be working for a time anyway ... Deep down I really want to quit my job and run away ... But I am now 51 years old and know that you cannot run away from the crux of the matter because it is within me, not them.
Awe man I recognise this girls story 😢 10 years 2 different relationships of intermittent reinforcement 😢 Abandonment & Rejection with limerance omg it’s sooooooo painful 😢 Struggling with auto immune disorders now along with ptsd from betrayal trauma of my last ex sleeping with other women 😢😢😢 Attachment wounding is absolutely awful and right now I am in abandonment depression xxx
Sorry you are hurting, thanks for sharing.
-Cara@TeamFairy
Sorry you are hurting. I can very much relate. But you will heal one day ❤️❤️❤️
This is some crazy shit... ive noticed this happening to me many times and always felt so ashamed, its weird because i could see that it didnt any make sense but couldnt stop myself from feeling like this.
You are not alone
-Cara@TeamFairy
The “matching (current) capacity for intimacy” is absolutely major!! I love that.
Thanks for watching!
-Cara@TeamFairy
Thank you for this. I suffer intensely over losing my ex-fiancé because I was unable to control my CPTSD triggers and abandonment fears. He was the love of my life, and I have such longing for him, it consumes every waking thought. I don’t know if it’s limmerance, grief, shame…maybe all of it. This video creates a small opening of hope and I am grateful.
So sorry to hear that. We're glad the video was helpful and are sending you encouragement :) -Calista@TeamFairy
Finally some one who has the same story as me! Can’t get over it! But self sabotaged because these abandonment issues indeed. Would u like to talk about it privately?
I have found contentment with my model car building hobby .. keeps my heart busy too!!
If that felt like home, it's time to build yourself a new home. ✨️
That's exactly it! When I've met people who have 'felt like home', it was because they were unavailable, passive aggressive, traumatised hot messes- just like my earliest childhood home was!
Great video, gross subject. Definitely feel for this chick.
It reminds me a lot of the person I tried to date multiple times over 3 years. He's in his mid 30s, me late 20s and he was the party-goer. I was trying to be responsible with my work. Then ultimately getting brain tumors and needing multiple brain surgeries, 3 in one year. so I couldn't go out alot. One of the last arguments we had, before I quit trying to get back with him. Was when he told me, I felt too much and I was too emotional. I told him, he doesn't feel enough and just seems emotionally dead. He said he's fine with that and he's happy the way he is. I reiterated, you would rather feel nothing then feel anything and he said yes. It was very telling at that point and I couldn't argue with the truth. Definitely would have been nice to have this information much, much, earlier and I wouldn't have wasted so much time with him. Between the 3 years with him and two years previous, in a physically abusive relationship. I have no doubt in my mind that's how the brain tumors grew. Continual cortisol being released in the system isn't good for the body and always can bubble up in diseases if left gone unchecked. I was always in flight or fight mode and both of the relationships, I either felt like I was going to get screamed at or ignored. if I said anything how I really felt.
For the last 13 months I've been single, healing and much happier. So much less stress.
There's a huge difference between people that have issues and are honest about them and at least are trying to work on them. opposed to people like him and the other guy, that believe they're perfect and everyone else is the problem.
I definitely understand the role I played. even when I was being treated like total crap, I still tried and I shouldn't have. But also recognizing within the last couple years, I was just doing what I was taught in my childhood. that "love" was how much BS you could take from someone. Also had to step away from all of my family. because I realized the behavior I allowed with them was coming up in my intimate relationships and friendships.
Greatful for growth 🌱☀️✨
Recognizing your role is the way to freedom!
-Cara@TeamFairy
My heart broke at : that "love" Was how much bullshit you can take from someone.
Strumming my pain with your words. You helped me so much, it's an epiphany for me. Thank you.
Yesterday I finally told my ex to stop contacting me. I feel a huge sense of relief. He is a drug addict and had a good heart that wanted my constant help as his life was constant drama.
you did the right thing. stay away. hugs.
Good for you, I understand it feels really hard.
-Cara@TeamFairy
Hi. That 12 point thing the other day. I ticked them all. This one helped me understand what happened a little clearer. Thank you. Be well and stay safe.
Glad the video helped!
-Cara@TeamFairy
There's a song called "picture of you" from the cure. The lyrics remind me of limerance. In the end the singer realized that he was in love with "the pictures of you".
She's having a "phantom ex" , that's interfering with her real relationships now. Classic for having an avoidant attachment style. The phantom ex syndrome, is described in the book "Attached" by Amir Levine and Rachel Heller.
E"ssentially, the phantom ex is used as a way to perpetually keep the person they are with from ever getting close enough to threaten that independence. And if you really think about it, it makes a lot of sense. For an avoidant, the perfect relationship is one in which they can fawn from afar."
The Phantom Ex Syndrome "is an idealized, past partner that secretly serves to block the Dismissive Avoidant's ability to form an initimate attachment". They do not do it on purpose, but it is a classic syndrome.
The memory of this idealized previous partner is used as a weapon when the Dismissive tires-as they quickly do-of a real relationship and its demands; no one could measure up to "the one that got away" . This is another distancing trick to keep real intimacy at bay.
It does not change anything, even if he would come back, she wouldn't have the ability to stay.
Omg.... this so describes what I know I have. I'm always somewhat hung up on an ex. Until the latest one becomes an ex, then I'm hung up on him, and so on...
@@contr4dixion the good news is:, it's not written in stone. You can work on it and become securely attached, it's called "earned secure", because for very good reasons you developed an avoidant attachment style but you can earn it through a bit of work to become secure. It is a bit unfair, because first you suffered as child and now you have put in some extra work but at least it is not written in stone 🍀🍀🍀 good luck
Interesting to hear this from the perspective of the avoidant
This hit hard. Lost an amazing 4 year relationship due to trauma two years ago. This helps me let it go and stop sabotaging the now because I want that back. Thanks 🙏🏻😊
Another great video Anna 💚✨
Glad you liked it!!
-Cara@TeamFairy
Thank you for all the information you’re sharing …. I’ve gone to two or three therapists that couldn’t tell me anything ….. you have helped me understand my CPTSD
You are so kind Anna. I wish I could be like you.
Fairy! Could we get a playlist of all your videos on Limerence? 💖
Better to be your own soulmate if you know what I mean ..
Benefit of couples counselling: opportunity to get to mutual understanding while keeping the communication/argument potential in check.
Thanks for helping me figure out a way to articulate that when bringing the idea up
Thanks for watching!
-Cara@TeamFairy
I resonate so much with the situation of this writer, and I appreciate so much the thoughtful response and suggestions. Thanks Anna.
Going to avoid relationships and dating. I love someone who has now detached it was my first serious dating experience and they were very experienced and it didn’t work out I wanted commitment and they wanted to date around. The pain from the rejection and the chasing after them trying to apologize for every little thing and being ignored after being so vulnerable with them and now no contact from them is unbearable. Reading comment section and listening to videos on this channel make me feel less alone. I’m glad I have these resources in this dark time
Have had a very similar experience. It hurts SO much
I agree
@@dsb1080 what did you do to heal from it?
@@jordansthoughts54 sorry but I don't have a helpful answer. It's only been 1 month no contact and I am still crying everyday and still ruminating and longing and I don't know how to move on. I've moved on before plenty of times but I know this time it feels impossible in a different way. We were eachother's cheerleaders, best friends, we prayed together every night and I feel like we shared too much. I don't know what to do with this pain and anger
@@dsb1080 yeah there is so much pain and anger. and it was just confirmed that they officially moved on. its a helpless feeling. I'm sorry that happened to you. feels good to know I'm not alone
Thank you for all your videos on limerence. I watch them when I feel myself slipping as a kind of pinch to get back to reality.
Also this is only tangential to the video, but I feel so skeptical when people say that you'll fall in love multiple times. I'm almost 30 and the only person I had deep feelings for (and ran away from because I was scared) died. Some days it doesn't feel like a loving relationship is in my future at all, and it's painful to think that. I know I should love my own company and all that, but I really would love to share my life with someone ☹️
Totally understood, most human thing in the world to want companionship.
-Cara@TeamFairy
The “Aaron” never loved her at all! Love is an action of mutual and consistent, support, respect, presence, care, and understanding.
Suzanne needs to heal so that she can’t be open to falling in love with a man who genuinely loves her, and is perfectly ready to show it right now. It’s fully possible. I’ve recently re-programmed myself via shadow work, occult studies (spirituality and psychology), and reiki and subliminal videos. It took me years, but maybe it will take her a lot less. Putting in that work is absolutely necessary.
I don’t want to watch this because I’m afraid of seeing the truth than my life will be a mess again! God help me🙏
This is a solution based channel, there are suggestions for the problems :)
-Cara@TeamFairy
You articulate honest feedback so well in all your videos. Thank you you x
When she talked about going on a cross country van trip with him that made me worried for her safety... especially since he seemed obsessed with her. Glad nothing bad happened
gosh, your videos relate to me so much 😭
I personally wouldn't play games like "cat and mouse"....
I needed to hear this today.
Glad it resonated. :) - Ashley, Team Fairy
I often wonder if the twin flame dynamic is really a limerence
Yeah it’s not real. It’s us grabbing at straws .
Thank you Anna for your videos. This one especially hit home for me. This was really a great explanation of limerance. Finally a word to describe what I have experienced.
Glad it was helpful!
-Cara@TeamFairy
Glad it was helpful. Thank you for watching! - Ashley, Team Fairy
Like all of us victims of the hypnotic allure of limerence, the answers to recovery eventually come when you confront your childhood trauma. And it IS confronting 😅 But better that than continuing the behaviour and thereby only adding to the trauma.
Limerance makes me so utterly happy and lonely/ sad within seconds. But I cannot stop thinking about this person and trying to meet her. Don't know why I cannot stop it....
Have you stopped?😢
No such things as soulmates. We are all like puzzle pieces...multiple sides for a perfect fit.
I like that!
-Cara@TeamFairy
This Just saved my life ❤️
Can you please speak more about abandonment depression? 🙏
It feels like betrayal because they thought they would be in each other's lives forever...or she thought he would "always be there." But who does that? Daddy says that to a little girl. That's what my daddy probably said. Then one day he died. That was 27 years ago but that was one of the first betrayals. (I describe other betrayals elsewhere). The daddy one is universal. All daddies die, sooner or later. It still feels like a broken promise. Somewhere inside, the little hurt girl is abandoned when daddy is not there anymore to "fix it." When I was very small, I thought my daddy could fix anything. Learning that he couldn't or that one day he wouldn't was a minor epiphany. And so it goes. Thanks again from Akko.
Tale as old as time, 2 anxious -avoidant people In a relationship.
I agree with the sexual connection . I dated a guy a few months that I wasn't really into but after sex I felt attached like crazy
I'm training myself to see their shitty behaviour as a total turn off. No more of this trauma, it's been enough. I still am holding out for healthy love. I truly am. I may never get it, but I will not allow my past to hold my heart prisoner.
It is like drug-addiction isn't it. You feel good at first and then things become toxic but if you try to stop taking the drug you experience withdrawal and crave the drug again.
My last two relationships we're like this. Eventually I realised that it was the fantasy of this person that I was in love with.
Took a bit of counselling for me to find the strength to move on.
I also felt bet it was female hormones that were influencing my emotions after I went through menopause I didn't care about men so much anymore only as friends.
Thanks for sharing!
-Cara@TeamFairy
@@CrappyChildhoodFairy I still experience limerence but I recognise that now and I don't act on it. I'm an artist and a romantic so I can get obsessed by anything I find beautiful. It gets complicated doesn't it 😀.
I'm 64 now so I have chosen to prioritise my family and health 1st to carry me forward and hope to maintain a healthy balance in my life. And if I can find a healthy relationship with a man along the way that would be great but I am OK if that doesn't happen. I have 3 sons and 3 grandsons so I have plenty of gorgeous men in my life who love me as I love them.
Sounds like a Fearful avoidant (Disorganized) attachment style. Even when you end it it never feels over, and continues to feel like a decision you have to make becuase there's always a foot in the door. "I can't live, with or without you." - U2
Great breakdown. Thank you.
You're welcome. Thanks for watching! - Ashley, Team Fairy
This was my story, someone read my journals!!! 😢
The music works seems to love these relationships Emotional 😭
this is my story as well, 10 years in this kind of things. I got better in last couple years, but it's still very hard for me, I can't go completely, it's so vicious!
This story basically happened to me ….we were on/off from age 19-22…ge was 4 yrs older….I suffered needlessly for so long & the truth was now that I’m married….I would have never been happy with him….he ended up getting divorced & called me…we met & I saw he definitely wasn’t for me
Those 3 words maybe 4 THEN WILL MOVE ON....jesus I have such difficulty with these words ..its RIDICULOUS what I stick around for ..who I stick around for..and even CONSIDER being still in love with even long wayyyy after others likely would have pulled the plug...homelessness mental health soreing issues and addiction .....and I still love him thou have built some serious boundries I'm defending ...
This is so my pattern.
Thanks for being here!
-Cara@TeamFairy
you just sort of grade that relationship as the most real because of the seeming intensity of display of emotions.. but its a faulty standard to hold in ones mind.
the dynamic of that relationship might be viewed as toxic and all those professing of love is immature and unnecessary...
ive been there myself.. i love intensity and drama. thats how i see my value as being desirable. when i see my suppose lover suffering because of me, thats how i mistakenly assume im most loved but when i look at it now, all i see were two immature individuals who didnt know any better..
Sounds like what you love is having control over people and their emotions. When they squirm in your grip, you love them the most? No, it's just the feeling of power over others.
I am a very loyal person too... down fall.
This is the saddest love story ever told.
That has been such an important part of my prosess. Learning to know how to RECOGNIZE Love. And really see it when it's there. Siri🌺
Everything is similar and familiar except I grieved a thousand times.
& was only resentful when he would decide to try because it wasn’t fair that he was always in control of whether we were good or not.
I feel I’m going through this too with my exhusband who I still love very much…… I’ve been trying to move on
What’s the video of how obsessive love for unavailable people is escape from our own lives ?
I think you're looking for this one: ua-cam.com/video/Dp-EpJdPLN4/v-deo.html - Ashley, Team Fairy
@@CrappyChildhoodFairy thank you!!
Likely bcos of rejection from daddy as I was growing up...with Limerance there is am imbalance of power, I find.
14:30 oh my God...
at least there is a name for the infatuation i had back in the eighties for a woman i thught cared about me, even when she demonstrated that she was just playing games with me, by her own admission. it took me a few months of no contact to realise that it was indeed a game and i had been played for a fool. romance wise, i took myself off thge market and have stayed that way for three dozen years.
Do you have a video specifically on what you were speaking about at the start with taking good partners for granted? I feel like I get 'bored' and even 'sick' when I think of intimacy with this good person. I don't know why or what to do
Try this one ua-cam.com/video/9_MRyGjn9Rk/v-deo.html
-Cara@TeamFairy
How to go though the difference phases of a brake up a trauma bonding for a person that has CPTSD?, I imagine is complex and different than people who has not trauma and decides to dissolve a relationship......
Limbering is safer than living!
thank you thank you for these videos. h0ow helpful they are .I have always this issue. I ever had real boyfriends except one husband-:) ... and I could not have real people. always I fell in love madly someone who won't be with me. and I did this one person for years and I waited waited .Ths person turned out to be total snake in suit. so I guess he was perfect love affair in my dreams-::)
Glad you're here :)
-Cara@TeamFairy
That is crazy like, wow, strange and sad. Oh no.
Can love come around again at 70? If so, where do I find it?
Yes, it can! The "where" varies :)
-Cara@TeamFairy
Happy to say it doesn’t, anymore :)
Victory!
-Cara@TeamFairy
I disagree. I think she DID love him which triggered her and made her scared of imagined future abandonment, which in turn made her avoidant. She wanted him to keep pursuing her and change his unvalidating ways so they could finally be together in a more ideal way.
And when that didn’t happen and she found out that he had moved on instead, it crushed her and crushed her reality.
I feel her pain 💔❤️🩹
No she didn’t, she loved him chasing her, games and the fantasy.
I had this :( me believing in twinflames etc :/ still think about him from time to time but now with a guy that wants me :)
Thanks for listening!
-Cara@TeamFairy
I find the psychology behind all this quiet inspiring.
I wanna contribute some philosophy to it.
Tolstoy wrote : "Living without love makes life very easy, its just that it also gets completely meaningless"
I dont wanna let go (after 15 years) because if I do, then it means that its something I have the choice over, and if thats the case then this means that the next one will be a choice too, thus I wont be fate/something happening to me.
You either can do something or you cant, either have the choice over something or you dont.
If you can turn it off, then you already know that you can just as much turn off the nest one.
If you can turn off the next one, then what is the point of even starting it ?
So before asking yourself if you can, also ask whether you should ?
There is a Russian song that goes like : "God punished all humans with love, so that through pain they learn to have faith again"
And the healing through introveted patience is I believe very much true.
Avoidig casual sex and diving into your trauma will actually direct your preserving energy into your wounds and dissort them.
Nevertheless, you can built a healthy family relationship with trust, respect and empathy after that if thats what you wish.
But dont rebrand it into "love", love is meant to be one, it doesnt care to end well or not.
Its purpose is not to in successfully, its purpose is to lead us into mental transcendance, leading to authentic and peaceful detachment.
Detachment of all thigs, even our love, which it actually is, cause its not the authentic unconditionnal one.
In eastern religions, mariage has the purpose to fulfill you so much, with its abundance, that by the age 50-75 you are, best case scenario, meant to leave your family and go prepare for death in a monastery or the woods by yourself.
If you remain in thhe family this means that you haven't outgrown it, overcome it.
I'm not trying setting anyone any milestone here, I just wanted help some of you visualize the general direction, cause there is only one path...
I’m only five minutes into this video and I can already tell she is dealing with a covert narcissist
You are a real fairy!
Ive wanted to get counseling but i feel like a fool myself. Its a no brainer he got physical and that isnt good. It was unhealthy i get it. But why cant i get over it
Seems to me she was using him...if he'd done to her what she did to him, whoa..,,He jumped through hoops for her...she comes across to me as manipulative, immature doesn't know what the heck she wants. Hangs on to one thing while reaching for another, never satisfied with what she's got. He should count himself lucky to have 'lost' her imo.
Great!!
I don't understand 😕. ? What is Limerance? That isn't the way things happened with me anyway. People stole people's words from my phone then tried to roleplay people I actually cared for or set people up that I cared for. It was craziness alright but not really real people if that makes sense
Define emotional connection?
Oh 😬 Darcy from 90 day?
This guy didn’t really sound that great to me and I wouldn’t have trusted him either
But REAL LIFE IS MESSY AND HARD. OH dear
I hate to say this but she sounds awful. I’m glad he left her. So sad and destructive. This pissed me off.
Yeah, same. I'm glad the guy got the heck out of that situation.
@@transitionsnc not really. It’s normal to not know for sure if you want to spend the rest of your life with a person when you first meet. He sounds like a normal healthy guy. She sounds like drama.