Were perceived as rude and having no empathy because our thoughts/heart cannot be expressed like neurotypicals We come off as cold despite our best efforts
I’m 70 years young. I’ve suspected but as of now never been diagnosed. As a kid, I didn’t start talking until I was 4. I was the bullied kid that finally had enough and dropped out of school at 14. While at school I failed at everything until a math teacher figured me out and taught me the joys of math where I went from a 15% to a 98%. I’m married, but live in separate houses in the mountains of British Columbia. I for the most part find it extremely difficult to socialize. I find my peace of mind sitting beside a creek, under old growth cedars, meditating, with my dog looking out for me. My only advice, embrace your uniqueness . I look around and see how others live and I become grateful for being me.
This was such a tough video to watch. Sometimes it feels like the world only cares about autism when you are a child. They deserve support as much as children, or maybe even more. I think you're doing an amazing job giving voice to them. I really hope they find some support eventually.
As a child in the 50s the incentives to be as normal as possible were absolutely incredible. Slipping my masking always felt like my life was in danger. This was the era of ice picks in brains for social misfits. I had to be (seen as) normal. That was an imperative that drove my life. Yeah, support and understanding, as much as an NT can manage, is WONDERFUL for the young folks. It was not even close to there, even after the "embarrassing Kennedy daughter" went public. Support now can best be served as "go along with the person's gag until they ask you for money" is the way to handle everybody. I'm just a little harder in that regard than most. Mostly we know we are different. I'd like to be "different but OK and not dangerous" for a change without trying to hide it all the time. {O.O}
@@Wizardess I am too young to remember the embarrassing Kennedy daughter. I am sorry you had such horrors to worry about. Just school bullies were hard enough to cope with for me. In an era when being a bully got you sent to the principle's office.
Absolutely. I'm only 26 and I'm having such a hard time finding anyone who can assess me and help get me resources (that also take my insurance). Everything I've found so far has been for children, it's like they assume we "grow out of it" as we got older.
I’m 69 and diagnosed last month. I agree and understand these people talking. What’s depressing is looking back on a lifetime of knowing something wasn’t right but didn’t know exactly what it was. It affected my life in very, very significant ways.
I'm age 70 and discovered at age 69 that i was on the autistic spectrum. I had answered a questionnaire online and I scored significantly high. I was 46 out of 68. My whole life changed at 6 months old when was ill with measles and encephalitis. It was definitely due to a brain injury from the illness and changed who i was forever. It had significant effects on my entire life and does to this day. I have always been different. I ended up becoming a registered nurse at 41 and have majored in special needs people. I understand the autistic world better than neuro typical persons.
Yes, it can be very damaging, not knowing. I felt I was just useless for not being able to do things that other people do so easily. And that affected my self esteem in a horrendous way. Recently, my mum told me that her and dad 'just thought I had a personality disorder'. And you said and did nothing about it?? Maybe I would have been able to get diagnosed before I was 49!
Same Susan, I started diagnosis for Autism June last year, then finally heard in November, that I was (i was 53). Such a relief at first, then the grief at looking back. The loss of friends, a life, work that if only I'd known, would not have gone into particular situations. We are now here in June and only just starting to understand my view of myself, what I can and cannot do and how I need to navigate. Be gentle with yourself, it's a lot
90 years old my mom was finally diagnosed. Thinking back on her life, challenges growing up as a highly intelligent girl during the Great Depression and a lifetime of being dismissed, it’s a new start for her. Love these videos. Thank you
I am 58 and have been wanting to see more content like this. This is an almost completely underserved group of people. I don't know what will become of me if I become incapacitated, there are no resources. I am ok now, working, reasonably healthy but super loner also. I worry about my cats if something happens to me. I just don't want to be incapacitated. Please dedicate maybe one video every quarter to this population--so needed!!!!
Yeah, I worry about my cats too. I'm not old old yet, but I've often thought I could die at home and be dead for several days (or longer) before anyone noticed.
@@AdeleiTeillana yes I think this is common for many people living alone. Most asd friends I have are very isolated with little in the way of family or close friends. We always seem to do better with distant friendships.
@@AdeleiTeillana I joke about it, saying that my animals have permission to eat me if i die. But it is not really funny when you don't have anyone who cares if you're living or dead.
Just diagnosed at 80, after instituting an assessment last year. Another 2-plus months and I’ll be 81. I have always felt “different”, done things that are considered socially “rude” or “odd”. I have challenges with procrastination, completing projects, organizing my place, yet can make a presentation to a group of people that is comprehensive and organized, informative. I have also been diagnosed with “unspecified ADD”, which may contribute to my challenges. It’s relieving to have a diagnosis and I intend to search out recommended resources to help me with those challenges. Thank you for having this forum, which allows me to see and hear “my people”.
I'm 66 years old and realized I had aspergers at 64. It's been a lonely journey. I'm so glad to hear of other seniors who are in a similar situation. I've had 4 psychiatric admissions over the years and finally realized they were major meltdowns. Ive been misdiagnosed since I was 5 years old and now I'm retired and completely exhausted. Years of wearing a mask, I'm now mentally spent and isolated. It gets more difficult as you get older
I'm 66. I've been a hermit for 4 years. Zero meltdowns, not even close. I've enjoyed that. I'm been researching for 3 years and now planning to move to SE Asia. I've always felt like routine was a danger for me so every 5-10 years I change things. There will be lots for me to deal with but I'll learn. I see some pluses. I don't think masking will be as needed. Being a foreigner I will be an outsider but that will be normal. For me everything will be unexpected so maybe won't cause a meltdown. Live-in housekeeper is $100/mo USD. No reason to be alone. Filipinos are world famous caregivers.
@@MrWaterbugdesign this is a great idea! I’m living in an isolated Belizean hut and I highly recommend the relocation strategy. When you’re already a foreigner, nobody expects you to act “normally.” They just accept you for who you are.
Hey Tom! I’ve been a hermit for my whole life and have come to the realization that I have autism/aspergers too. I’m luckily only 24 but I’ve been hospitalized in psychiatric wards times for suicidal tendencies. I always attributed my episodes to major depression and anxiety. But within these last few days I’ve been educating myself on the possibility that it’s always just been autism/aspergers
@@mannymoo are you hypermobile.just diagnosed 43 after sins diagnosis my grandfather had autism obviously always lead a hermit country life told his mum at 3 wanted be hermit.mum.ibvously has it severe ms do you have fybromyalgia pain ?
I'm a retired 71 yo and just recently realized that the reason I was so able to connect and help the special needs kids in my classrooms is because I myself am on the spectrum. *waves at fellow teacherJose* I'm glad you all are who and how you are, beautiful people just as you are. Anyway, here's the big point I want to make: We need to stop thinking of others as "normal" because that means we are "abnormal." We should think of them as "ordinary" because then we are the ones who are "extraordinary." So dare to think of yourselves as bringing something wonderful to the table. It would be a very boring buffet without us! I have found that the happiest times in my life were the times when I was doing things with people who valued me and my contributions and thought of me as not weird, just different. I no longer feel hurt when someone shuns me because they don't understand me because meanwhile I admit I want to shun them for being so clueless haha.
Almost 53, diagnosed 3 years ago. This is the first time I've seen people older than me with Autism. Please thank them all for this video, and you for making it. I feel less alone now.
I just want to give Josė a big hug. She’s a good person deep down and just needs to know there are people in the world who “get it” and you’d be a welcome friend.
José, I understand so much of what you are going through. I just turned 60 in May, and it is difficult to be on the spectrum and an aging woman. Finding out this late in life is hard, because NOW I get it. All of those times when I wished I knew what they talked about. Anyway-we are finding each other now!
I am 64 and self-diagnosed late last year. About five years ago, I did some provisional testing online and scored quite highly on several different available tests. I didn't think too much about it at the time but have been following Autistic UA-camrs, Tweets and Instagrammers because I have two Autistic grandchildren. I just kept having AHA moments. I have been seeing my 4th psychologist for about a year now and mentioned it to her. She showed me her notes about me where she had written "Autistic ?" in the margin but hadn't mentioned it to me. It seems that I am most likely Autistic with ADHD (deficit type). I am happy to start to get to know who I am and why I've never really fitted into social groups and always been a loner. It's okay. Now I tell people up front that I'm Autistic and ask them to be understanding. If they can't accept that, they can shove it. It has been enlightening for my husband of 45 years, and he is learning new responses to my behaviours. We are much closer now. I do grieve for the little child and the teenage me who always had mammoth struggles and was so misunderstood. I cry for her, but I'm happy for me. I just wish that I'd known a long, long time ago, my life would have been very different.
I understand grieving for the child and teenager. I expected eventually the 'acceptance' and 'moving on' part of grief but it didn't seem to happen. This year I'm trying instead to treat them as still alive in me and requiring my care and attention. E.g. the child was creative and imaginative so I make time in my life for creative and imaginative things.
I can personally relate to struggling in my childhood and teen years as a loner and having difficulty being able to article myself socially. I don't have many fond memories from thrse formative years and was diagnosed over 5 years ago as I was born with Asperger's. I wish, as you openly stated, that I knew this back then to be able to navigate my life better. I will say my diagnosis was rather cathartic and I am more at peace with myself than ever before!
I've been blubbering like a baby after watching Paul's video. Crying because the people sharing their stories are like me and crying because I've been alone my whole life with no support. I'm a 73 year old woman. I know now that Asperger's has impacted my entire life. After coming across one of these videos a few years ago I did endless research and now after watching this video there's no question I'm on the spectrum. These are the only people I've told. My GP, my psychiatrist, my Mom, sister, son, and two close friends. Most have brushed this off as me being dramatic and weird. None have asked me about it or even mentioned it again so I haven't mentioned it again. I'm sharing this video with a couple of people I actually care about. Thank you Paul for all that you do for us. I so relieved and grateful.
Follow up to my comment: This still applies: "These are the only people I've told. My GP, my psychiatrist, my Mom, sister, son, and two close friends. Most have brushed this off as me being dramatic and weird. None have asked me about it or even mentioned it again so I haven't mentioned it again." I shared Paul's video with 3 of the 7 people, telling them how important it is to me that they watch it. None of those 3 watched it. 😥 It's so confusing because I would never dismiss them like this.
@Running Red Fox You’ve made an interesting point. Have you had a similar experience where the people closest to you don’t really know you at all? It can feel very lonely.
@Running Red Fox Your observation is simple yet powerful. You’ve helped me see clearly that I’ve spent my whole life struggling with the same. Because I’m so different from my close family and large extended family the pressure to conform to “their version of me” created in me a nervous and guilt riddled child and woman who has always monitored my own words and actions to avoid disappointing and angering the people who should have accepted me. I’ve never been able to hold down a job because I was steered into the type of work I absolutely hated. I never knew how to find friends because friends were chosen for me. Average little girls growing up in the 50s were taught how to make a bed, fold laundry, cook and clean instead of being encouraged to further their education, and find their own hobbies and friends. The only time I feel authentic is when I’m alone. Red Fox, you’ve helped me more than you know. My regret is I’m 73 with health issues and limited time left to enjoy being me. Have a great day. Cheers from Canada. 🖐😊🇨🇦
@curiouscanuk Try not to blame family and friends who don't "get it". Firstly there is still a lot of stigma about mental health issues, and Secondly, they have known you a long time and accepted your 'differences' as part of you so they probably see you as 'normal' and wonder why you're 'making a fuss' That doesn't mean that it's not important for you to enjoy making the best of things by being aware how AS affects you and also being kind to yourself and making peace with past struggles. May you find peace and joy in every aspect of your new life ❤
I’m 72 and was diagnosed around three years ago, after suspecting that I had been on the spectrum for several years. The isolation under Covid gave me the chance to sort out my thoughts and to isolate my autistic traits from those I share with neurotypical people. My most common one (and the hardest to control) is the tendency to go down the rabbit hole in conversations - my enthusiasm for a topic blinds me to the boredom/irritation of others. When I realise, I get anxious and it makes me talk even more - desperate to be understood. My worst regret is the loss of my youth, accepting my family’s continual abuse for being ‘weird’ and their assumption that I should stay single as I was too unlovable to marry. I hung around for 40 years trying to win the approval and affection of those who were incapable of ever giving it. Now I suffer CPTSD along with the agonizing emotional flashbacks inevitably triggered during everyday interactions. If I had the chance to live my life again, knowing what I know now, I would take it, even with the abuse, for I would know enough to disregard the gaslighting and escape as soon as I could. Then I might have had the chance to carve out a fulfilling life for myself. I’m doing that now, but there is so much I want to do and I am already too old for much of it. Basically I need another lifetime. Grief? Hell yes! I feel loss for the life I missed, the time I spent achieving what was expected and using all my energy masking to achieve it. The knowledge that you are autistic is enormously liberating, it explains so much, it identifies your strengths, it outlines your areas of interpersonal risk and it comforts when you are told you aren’t acceptable. I grieve that I wasn’t armed with that knowledge until I was old. Thank you for this post. It showed me that I wasn’t alone.
Oh yes people who are supposed to support you usually prefer to just put you down since you’re “weird” and get the quick ego boost from feeling “better than”. Funniest is when they think they’re subtle enough to not have you notice it, but in reality, you’re either just too polite to point it out and/or you still depend on them for some reason (e.g. financially) so you just decide to let it slide and wait for better times
Heavens! I could have written both of these posts. I am gobsmacked to find, all in one afternoon, so many of my alien family. This makes me so happy! (Well, you probably know what I mean...)
That is so beautifully expressed. If I'd written about my experiences, it would be such a close match. Thank you for expressing this for yourself and for many of us.
Thank you, my dear family. Aspies are like treasures. When you share, my whole being lights up, because I recognize you and share your experiences and perceptions. What a huge gift for a person who at 83 has never fit in, never been allowed to be authentic, been alone in every circumstance. To discover my Aspie personhood is real and I am not just a stupid, crazy, to be avoided outsider! Thank you all for comforting my scarred and broken heart, before my life is over.
Sending along blessings of inner peace and loving kindness. It's tough trying to exist in this bizarre world without extra gifts from beyond. I like to think of myself as an endangered species. It works! Many blessings to you in your journey. 🌸🦋
Thich Nhat Hanh had so wonderfully comforting words.. (having suffered from the vietnam war . That is his true life experience) It goes like that "Suffering is an information, kind of teaching you.." "If we practice good gardening of ourselves, suffering is the mud nourishing the new flowers that will grow out of it" I am so rich! Thank god for all the teaching. In my retirement i am gardening myself. God bless you all Peace (67. Europe) And it is never too late. Understanding and innerpeace only need the right moment, a minute or two to raise.
My wife and I are both 67. She’s autistic/ADHD I’m ADHD/dyslexic. We both found out (undiagnosed) after multiple grandkids were diagnosed as Autistic and or ADHD. The changes we have experienced because of this awareness and learning (fromPaul) and others has run the gambit of emotions and begun a process of personal reflection, change and relationship upheveal that will probably not end. We are both grateful for the knowledge yet find ourselves grieving over what could have been and how our lives would have been shaped if we had “known before”. Our future together is significantly brighter because we know and slowly we have been informing family and friends starting with the safest. It appears this process will take years particularly for my wife, because she has experienced orders of magnitude more trauma as a result of peoples reaction to autism. Thanks Paul for all you provide it changes and improves peoples lives. Thank you to each of the panel for being willing to share your personal experience I found it comforting to hear of your experience. Thanks to each of you!
61 yeas old. Not officially diagnosed but I know. I sometimes feel like what is going on in my head makes so much sense to me but it is perceived as "weird" by others. It is nice to see that other adults can understand. I am high functioning and can STRUGGLE to behave "normally" in business settings; but it is a constant struggle.
Less is best. Dr Huberman recommends walking = moving "face forward" through post stress, naturally moving eyes left and right like ESMR, and you will be pleasantly surprised how you will reconcile some past painful interactions and practice how you will be able to make your "best self" responses next time.
Becoming older, the struggle to fit in (in business life) got much heavier. One day the doctor suggested me to stop working and retire, so that I wouldn't have to "mask" anymore and could be myself. I did retire at the age of 59. The best decision ever. I now am who I am. And I don't have to consider the opinions of other people anymore.
@@p.m.5141 I did something similar ... but I find I get very isolated, and feel like I am slipping towards becoming the weird old man on the block, assuming I am not already! ;-)
Though I'm not quite 60 yet, this topic is for me. As many of us in this age group know, few Aspies get this far in life unscathed. Looking forward to this video.
I said to my cardiologist, "I had 35 years of not knowing why I was different, I've had 11 years (now 12) of knowing that I'm autistic and I want another 46 years minimum, of positive autistic living ahead of me." She said that she liked that attitude.
Also if you were born in the 60s, we are of the generation where it wasn’t diagnosed especially in girls. Females weren’t even studied until 1992 I think (will check).
@@peterwynn2169 I'm 38 and never understood why I was until a few years ago even then I didn't grasp it because I wasn't "handicapped" That's the stigma.
I think we, or many of us, have too much empathy. To the point it makes us shut down because we feel too much. We also do not always have a way to filter or the vocabulary to put to expressing feelings that overwhelm us. I also prefer to be alone but would like to make some aspie friends. 💕❤️🩹🙏
Yes, too much. My ex husband dragged me to funerals of people that I had never met, where I put myself in the shoes of the surviving spouse or children or mother and I'd cry my eyes out, and be a hollow drained shell of a person for weeks afterwards. Once he even thanked me for crying because he said he couldn't cry, it was someone he knew! He worked with or went to school with! He felt nothing??
I do very well online and when writing. But if I talk I lose all my words and say too much or the wrong way. No one even some of my drs now still don't think I am. I have too much empathy and a high iq. I think some people are more comfortable assuming we're weird than they are questioning what they think autism is
@@recoveringsoul755 Sorry you had to go through that with the ex not understanding the damage he was doing to your extremely caring and beautiful soul❤️🩹❤️🩹🙏
That was a great video!! I am 57 and was worried that I would not fit in, I am so grateful to hear all the comments made by the 60+ gang. It must have taken alot of courage!
I was instantly brought to tears by this video. In general, where I live, Autism is something about kids and school, only now Adults are reclaiming their needs, and identity, and realizing it is not a pathology, it is a way of being, a different wiring in the brain. Most of us born and socialized female don't meet the criteria from the DSMV because of the empathy factor (we are extremely sensitive and empathic and do not have the lack of expression that many practitioners expect from an autistic human!) and because we learn very early to mask extremely well. For me, the full realization after working for decades in Mental Health only came when I discovered that some of us are Psychologists, AND psychology is our special interest. I had no clue, although I knew it was weird that outside of my working hours, I am constantly reading and thinking about "work", and I want to talk about psychology with my children, and everybody really! Since many also do want to talk about that, and the places and people that were my usual hangouts usually had plenty of room for my "special interest" that delayed even more my seeking a diagnosis and understanding one by one all the things that didn't make sense in my life, including having been labelled a "psychopath" by a professor because of the masking. I am hugely encouraged by all who are entering this journey late in life, and I hope you too gain the freedom that is there for us when we no longer need to pretend to be who we are not! Thank you to all who were witnesses.
Autistic elders and older adults have always been the most loving, pleasant, and genuine people I have ever met. So many NT’s seem to live in a mindset of right and wrong, being right or not right, but those who are autistic have always been themselves (after those who I was close with dropped their masking slightly) it’s like I could see the radiant light of their genuine hearts shining through. That’s something that’s hard to come by nowadays
This is a heartfelt and honest look at autism and what it’s like for people. I want to thank the people in this video for their vulnerability to share their lives. Thank you all.
I am 61. Yep! "Learning to catch myself when I go down a rabbit hole in a conversation" This can be SO difficult to do. And the funny thing is that I know what I am doing when I am doing it but I just can not stop and correct the course of my speech while it is happening. I have learned that the best thing for me to do is to own my words and apologize if my words were offensive.
Yes, here I am talking to a customer, explaining absolutely everything about something they aren't really interested in. I know I need to shut up, but have such incredible difficulty actually doing it.
Thank you to everyone involved in this video. It means so much and I would love having any of you in my life. I can't believe that you and ones like you are out there and it makes me feel good knowing that💖.
*Yes.* I spent a lot of my life struggling with something but breezing through others. My parents said that one of my problems with school is that so much comes easily that when I run into something that's hard, I don't want to do it *because* it's hard. We didn't know about Asperger's at the time, but there was truth to what they said. I just had trouble seeing that because it seemed like I struggled with far more than anyone else. I even told Mom that I was upset that my little sisters were better at many things than me because I was older and supposed to be better. She had to explain that everyone has things they're naturally good at and things they simply *aren't.* She also tried *so hard* to teach me to cook, sew, and other domestic things. I'm getting a bit better with the sewing (as I'm pushing 40) but I still *suck* at cooking. I get distracted too easily.
A very affirming video for me, thank you. I’m only 48 - look and feel 60 - due to a lifetime of masking ASD, ADHD, OCD and CPTSD from childhood abuse. I always wanted letters after my name (after 4 failed attempts at Uni) just didn’t expect so many! For years I mistook ASD & ADHD for CPTSD, and finding out I’m neurodivergent has enabled me to forgive myself for being me, not the useless broken no-hoper loner that friends, family and me have been saying all my life. Yr channel has proved so helpful to me, this video especially ❤️
I'm 61 and was diagnosed just over a month ago. As one of the guys said, "I've been weird all my life", but I was just that shy kid who hardly ever said anything in class. I can totally empathise with almost everything that everyone in the video said. When I was diagnosed I could physically feel the sense of relief flowing through my body, but there's also now that sense of grief. A realisation that I've had to live my whole life trying to pretend to be someone and something that I'm not......without even realising that I was doing it, until now.
I’m 68, retired at 58, and have recently completed my ten-year transition between partial masking to full-on DGAF no-masking. People are free to think what they want about me and I’m totally there for them in their efforts to cope with my sometimes-challenging presence.
Can someone let Jim know that the “lack of empathy” is likely a misconception??? I’ve never met someone with AS who doesn’t have very strong empathy that shows itself in the most unexpected ways… Myself included. Especially toward animals for me in particular. I almost cried when I saw a guy traumatizing a baby bunny when he was attempting to rescue it today…
there are many autistic people who have high empathy, but there are also many autistic people who have low empathy. many autistic people even have a mix of both high and low empathy, since there are different types of empathy
Empathy has a different meaning to psychologists than to most people. To psychologists empathy means you don't read people's emotions well. That doesn't mean that autistic people don't care. Most of us do care about others once we know what is happening with them.
That empathy thing throws me off too, I'm not diagnosed but I feel like I have too much empathy most of the time. With the way the world is now, I almost feel like it's better to just be numb
Thank you Paul, for this excellent video. It brought a lump to my throat as I listened to each of the stories. I can identify with every single one and I send my thanks to you all for speaking up. At 66, I too am completely mentally exhausted from a lifetime of being a ‘square peg in a round hole’. And Paul, this is the first time I have seen ANYONE speaking up for over 60s with Autism - this has made me feel relieved that I am not alone in my mental exhaustion - it was abundantly clear from these stories that this is a common thread. I’m U.K. based and it is almost impossible to ‘come out’ as Autistic in later life here. I’ve known since 2005 that my lifelong ‘weirdness’ has a name. It was a huge relief but then what? I masked very well all my life and suffered deeply behind closed doors. The few people I tried to tell denied it on my behalf! You? Autistic! Ha ha ha - don’t be stupid - that kind of thing. There is one person on this planet who knows the real me and that’s my husband. The thought of ever having to live in this world again without this understanding fills me with dread. So I try to concentrate on being thankful for each day as it is now and not fret about the future. I’ve finally stopped trying to ‘fit in’ in group situations (like the choir I joined and really struggled with inside my head for a few years). As you all point out, as we get older we seem to lose the ability to mask and play the game of fitting in. Although I have never really been a part of a big group of friends, I have been very good at making long term solitary friends who like me for who I am and vice versa. There is a certain kind of person who ‘gets me’ and really appreciates all the things about me that seem to push others away. I value those friends so much - intelligent NTs (some maybe Autistic too) who don’t judge my ‘weirdness’ as being a negative thing, so I don’t feel compelled to hide it. Thanks again Paul and all those in this video - you are all shining lights for us over 60s Aspies out here not daring to speak up for ourselves in the NT world. You’ve made it that little bit easier to cope. 🙏
Very similar experience:decades of often dangerous (for me) meds for depression ,stopped them under doctor supervision 6 yrs ago and formerly diagnosed this year at almost 59 years old. Finally I’m working with my brain,instead of against it = much more peaceful day to day.
Yes! I was misdiagnosed so many times and I was on horrible and unhelpful drugs. How are you managing now? What makes you better? I am open to any input. Thank you.
@@dimpsthealien333 personally I’ve been on lots of psych meds for many years. Now that I know I’m Autistic I’ve been tapering off them. Trying to be myself.
@@meganmahoney1749 that's wonderful! I too went off them years ago. That was long before I knew the truth about myself. But I am still anxious and depressed. I am not sure how to get out of this darkness.
I'm 50 and self diagnosed because I've gotten really good at pretending to be neurotypical. Hearing you all is hard to express. I have overwhelming empathy and I know that I'm like you because I find you all so endearing. I think the key is for us to be there for each other! Best wishes to you all.
I'm almost 54, my mother realized it at 55, and I saw my grandfather age to 86 as an autistic undiagnosed person. I'm going through burnout right now and having a hard time masking and having frequent sensory overload. This has been helpful.
I can really relate to your videos. Realizing that I'm autistic really made sense of my life. I always thought that I was funny, kind and empathic, but no one else thought I was. I've never been a good masker. In fact, when people told me I was weird, I'd reply that I was unique. This might have saved me a lot of energy. But I paid a high price. I spent most of my life without friends, no job and no partner, despite being both a Ph.D. economist and lawyer. After a long spell of unemployment, I'd find a job and after a couple of days get fired for vague reasons or be presented with a list of grievances I caused the employers. A few years ago, I did find a job as a substitute teacher. I didn't qualify for the position because I didn't have good references. When the human resource department requested that I get a new list of references, I told them that I wouldn't be able to work for them. Due to teaching shortages, they waived my reference requirement. I've discovered revealing myself as autistic can sometimes be helpful, but can also sometimes backfire against me. Now as a substitute teacher, I've discovered that if I reveal to students and staff that I"m autistic my employment tenure tends to go more smoothly than if I attempt to mask. On the other hand, I revealed to my doctor that I was autistic and the result was that they stopped taking me seriously. They told me that my nerve pain and numbness in my feet for the last five years was probably just a product of my imagination. I agree with an earlier video of yours that we are innovators, but not leaders. Years ago, my proposed doctorate dissertation on the economics of the greenhouse effect was shut down on grounds that climate change had little scientific basis so I changed to a then more mainstream topic. I was rewarded a Ph.D., but since I didn't get along with my professors, I couldn't find a job. Today, I am happy to know that my proposed dissertation topic is now mainstream in economics.
@@BetheChange80 In the early 2000s. I grew up in a narcissistic family structure. The assessment confirmed family members' belief that something was wrong with me and was further evidence that I was the problem. Since my original comment, a couple of my doctors and primary care doctor apparently have blacklisted me. Thus, I'm worried that I've set myself up for poor future medical care. As for my colleagues, the results are mixed. Since my original comment, I've discovered that it is a bad strategy to reveal my autistic identity right up front. Revelation requires some tact. It is best done early in an assignment but in an indirect way.
I am sorry to hear of your challenges. I hold a BS and a MS in engineering. I also have gotten fired for every single job, except my last math teaching job this year. I usually get praised on my jobs at the beginning for my ability to figure out creative solutions but then a few months later they don't like my personality. I feel frustrated with people cause they are not very intelligent, do not pay attention to details and are not very efficient. After I got diagnosed I started studying my condition and realized that I did not have much emotional intelligence. Slowly, I am learning to be more patient, more compassionate as I realize that people mean well and are doing their best. I was lucky that I got a couple of houses a few years ago and some rental income from them. My marriage did not last long and my older son does not believe I am autistic even though I had a formal diagnosis a few years ago when I was 54. I wish I knew that my ways to express myself come across rude at times and that people are doing their best. It is getting better but I still have a lot to improve.
I can totally relate, especially to Jose . . . I don't feel enthusiastic about meeting new people. Training new people at work is stressful, because they often want to be my friend, but most of the time I would rather spend time with myself (and my cat).
Im creating extra work to be too busy to train our new guy at work, just got news that we have another person joining soon and im dreading having to mask even more now to appear like Im someone they can rely on to learn the ropes and actually knows what hes talking about. Misery
@@unknowntosociety01 Yes, it sucks! I had to train 3 new people, but the first 2 didn't stay. In that case I was having to work with a new person per week for 3 weeks, and then anxiety and burnout really got me. I was afraid that I was just going to quit my job, and then become jobless. This third new person has been with us for about a month now and I am just beginning to figure her out. She is quite extroverted and we had some conflict a week ago, because I confronted her about things not being clean, and she got upset. I was afraid that I would have to carry the full workload myself, because I would have to clean what she didn't clean. I may start to have hope now. Good luck to you though. 🙏
Diagnosed less than a year ago at 54. I’ve done a lot of internal complaining about not finding out until so late, but this video put me in my place. My heart aches for these fellow aspies. There is so much work to do. Thank you Paul for helping us come together.
My husband showed me a video on UA-cam about autism and said...that's you! Which led me to watch more. This video is great for me as I am 74 and I realize I am autistic...and I also have hyperacusis which makes me wear ear protection most of the day and have tinnitus 24/7. I am my husband's caregiver who is paraplegic. It's only because of Gods grace that I am still here. Realizing that I'm not crazy was such a relief. We live in a very noisy world, and I've told my hubby my desire is to live on a deserted island and have a McDonald's coffee and muffin every day 😀. Being around people is not a joy...noise is no fun. Shopping in Walmart is like a horror film. I now know that it's okay to take off my mask...a huge relief. And so, life goes on with more understanding of the issues that pertain to autism. Thanks for the folks who participated. I live in Kelowna B.C. Canada.
An important thing to remember is that as people age their levels of hormones and absorbtion of nutrients drop. This will have an impact on energy and can be addressed, because we are not neuro typical we may associate it only with that. For example the gentleman who felt he had less patience with people, that can be a lack of zinc which is common for men, and older men, supplimentation can help. It just may be harder for him to mask than it is for neuro typicals. All great people here. You are not odd. You are totally inspiring. Kudos to the organic farmer! Much admiration and respect to you all. Thanks for sharing
@@JoseMeeusen In every way, same as does neuro typical people. Most people do not get the information to help with these things. Doctors are not nutritionally trained professionals. They do not check levels of nutrients or offer many if you ask. Perhaps vit D, the B vits,Iron , perhaps Homocystine levels if you ask specifically. Most folk must find a private lab or clinic that measures these. Heavy metals in the system , and mercury from dental fillings, for example cause problems , ranging from confusion to other symtoms( research this) and yet this can be reversed. We are all the physical human system first and foremost. It is useful to check these things first. Older men/ people tend to stop absorbing B12 , this is not ideal (look up deficiency symtoms) . Easily remedied . Talk to a good nutitionist who understands and applies an holistic approach , in other words , looking at the whole person . Our eating habits, sleeping and movement rule our world more as we age.We are, generally speaking, more sensitive to stimulants( caffine, alcohol, also white sugar, white bread /glutens will subtract from our store of nutrients. Balance is key.
I always love to hear from older autistic people. I'm in my 40s and thinking carefully about the trajectory of my life from here on now that I know I'm autistic. It seems that fatigue is a big feature in later life and an even bigger need for living true to personal needs.
Yes. I literally researched autism and aging because I am already finding it difficult to mask at 36 years old. I never considered autism until I realized that I could no longer tolerate long, hard grueling days at work, and unable to fully mask my irritation towards people who are just too much for me (making small talk with me and knit picking at things that don't matter (such as asking me why the soap bottle fell into the sink, and asking how I tipped it over and why) 😶. I have a hard time looking forward to all of that again.
@@ArtsyMegz_On_Etsy and then they're irritated/angry because you answer their questions about the soap bottle because you've taken the questions literally and not read the sarcasm. (That's my experience in similar situations).
@@sylviaingram9910 Every freaking day I tell ya! Or I drop a piece of scrambled egg on the counter; and the next thing I hear is, "What's that?!" as they point at it; and then ask me why it's on the counter. You should see me fight with myself to try and come up with an answer (because how do you answer that question without making them feel stupid after?). I'm not looking forward to tomorrow Sylvia . . . I'm telling you right now. 😳
Hi! Happy to see all of you. Thanks Paul! i’m 83 , found out 15 years ago. Total happy shock when I found out by accident. I worked in nursing for 50 years mostly in pediatrics l So I was angry that I didn’t know
I am 61 and have not been diagnosed but I have always known that something was different about me. Watching these videos has helped me to better understand. Not sure that a formal diagnosis would help more than the peace that I am starting to feel now with my "self diagnosis".
Share your astonishment. I am 83 wirh a degree in psychology - looked for answers very seriously. Have a high IQ but ...that is no measure of being able to see and accurately respond to social cues and expectations. The whole abstracting process is slanted away from social norms. Wrong planet says it all😊
I was diagnosed one day before my 70th birthday, after years of failed attempts to get counselors to take me seriously and really pay attention to what was going on inside of me. For me, the diagnosis was a relief and a blessing. All the things about my life that I never understood, finally makes sense. I have begun to accept my differences and unique prospective as a gift, and not a curse. It's only been 5 months, but I am much happier and more accepting of who I am. I'm still learning. It's good to hear others stories about similar experiences.
I’ve just learned at the age of 57 why I’ve seemed so different all these years. I am still processing this revelation and cannot discern if I am relieved or not. How different would life have been if I had known sooner? It’s strange. I so very much desire to be with people. However, when I am actually with others, it feels like an arduous task that evokes so much anxiety.
I'm also 73 and identify so much with these comments, particularly social aspect. I have a few good friends who understand. I would love to be diagnosed. I would feel liberated.
59 and diagnosed two and half months ago. I really relate to everything these beautiful autie elders had to say. I burnt-out, but still had to force myself to go to work almost mute, shaking, crying all day as I had no support and no manageable strategies. Eventually referred and waited months for testing and confirmed ASD. I'm coming out the other side of the grief now with regular therapy, lots of rest, trying to grapple my way back to managing to maintain the basics of wake, eat, exercise, sleep. I'm unsure whether I will be capable of returning to work full-time (biggest environmental impact on my hypersensitivity). Relief through understanding, hoping to learn healthy strategies to replace poor coping strategies, even finding community for the first time in my life. @aspergersfromthe inside .... thank you, your videos are helpful, eye opening and useful. I would love to see regular videos from autistic elders. Their insights are valuable.
The pain inside can be hard to deal with. We need to discuss the impacts of autism so that we can help each other deal with the challenges we face on a daily basis. I am very thankful that this video was made available. Thank you!
Thank you to everyone who were part of this and to everyone who's responded. I self-diagnosed about 2 months ago, and this whole discussion has helped me understand and believe in myself and know who I really am, and that I'm not alone.
Great video. I am 62 and have spent most of my adult life reading, going to therapists, trying to figure out how to get along in the world, and wondering what was "wrong with me". Being uncomfortable in groups, trying to look normal when meeting new people but secretly knowing that once they got to know me, they'd fade out of the picture and I wouldn't know why. I suppose I'm lucky to have siblings who "put up with me" enough to accept and even love who I am. I did the Autism Questionnaire and it all made sense; I was not surprised at my high score. What's sad is that so much of my life was spent trying to learn how to fit in and be liked for who I am. And now I know that will never happen. I won't fit in, and I will always be seen as weird. And yet I'm so proud of who I am and what I've accomplished, and how my brain works and solves problems creatively. I am Awesome but Different.
I am 69. Self diagnosed a few years ago by watching these expected videos. So excited and grateful for all of for all of you people who are just like me. Heading your stories has opened a new reality for me. I wish that you all were my close friends.
Ironic how many people criticise us for lacking empathy, while simultaneously showing no empathy towards us. They can’t do that because they don’t understand us... which demonstrates how poorly empathy brings understanding. You have to understand before you can properly empathise. IIRC, Tony Atwood wrote that NTs have a Master’s Degree in non-vocal communication, so empathy “works” between them because they tend to think and react alike . That is assuming that their cultural backgrounds and core values are similar. Attempting to empathise with violent criminals has only lead to observed failures in our judicial systems.
I *love* this comment! It reminds me of so many funny stories in my life about my Aspie son lovingly referred to as "my last ten children". He was a challenging child. Although I readily saw what a sweet nature he has, he was not considered so in school, where the remedy was seen as apply more discipline. They meant I should hit him! This has a happy ending in that I finally found a school that could figure out what he was missing in his education and fill in the gaps. He graduated high school with better academic skills than his sibling, and went on to get a BA in history. I didn't recommend this major, but he was anxious to prove he could succeed academically like his sibs. I never saw him with his masks, as people call it here in these comments, until he was in his late 20's when I attended a dinner party with him. He was animated and extremely witty. I was astonished. It is important to note the difference between sympathy and empathy. @Peter Webb is describing sympathy. The commenter above that describes crying at funerals of people she does not know--that is empathy. She empathasizes with the grief in the room; she feels it. Sympathy is the I-know-how-you-feel crowd; that is, if I were in your position, I would feel that way too.
I'm a 65-year-old woman who has some autistic traits. I always thought I was just an introvert, but like that one lady in the video, I've always been a total loner. Friendships have been hard for me and I prefer cats to people. I only learned about masking a year ago and realized that I do it all the time. Unlike many people with autism, though, I have good executive function and have worked at a desk job most of my life. Now that I'm working from home, it's been a relief to not have to see or deal with co-workers I can't relate with and I always feeling like an outsider.
I’m so grateful for this. I only just recently discovered I’m autistic at 57. Recently, as in last week. Through this lens, life now makes so much sense- but I also feel incredible grief. I am shocked and overwhelmed. Josè could have been speaking about me, my words out of her mouth. It made me cry with a strange relief of being understood. All of you said at least one thing I identify with, but Josè especially. Thank you.
I have searched the internet and UA-cam for information about late diagnosed seniors, and this is the only one I have found. Thank you. It seems that when the community talks about adult autism, they are talking about the 20, 30, and sometimes as old as 40. I was 72 when my therapist suggested I presented with autistic traits. This knowledge has changed my life for both good and bad. I have come to realize that I have been masking for so long that it's now an automatic reflex. Anytime I'm around even one other person, the mask goes on. I'm now wondering about the people in my life who consider themselves to be my friends. Are they really just friends of my mask? Will they remain my friends if the mask comes off? It takes a lot of effort to keep the mask on, and it takes a lot of effort to take the mask off.
Now i am really really grateful towards my cognitive behavioral trauma therapist to have let me discover my abilities and major issues without any labelling at all! Over a decade . But in the way he has supported me, i know now with 67, that he knew that. This is SO tactful! Once i asked him "have I Asperger's?" He answered "Labels are not of great help. The point is to discover with trial and error what you are able to and what does not work" In fact saying me that would have been an absolute contraproductive No-Go, as my trauma consisted of my mother rejecting and insulting me as "crazy" as i was just this fragile struggling labile teen-ager
Big love to all in the video, what amazing souls they all are. I've just been diagnosed as and Aspie with ADHD at 53 and what a relief that is, I only looked into it to learn more about my Dads behaviour ( undiagnosed but very obvious ADHD and Autistic traits ) I'm going to spend the rest of my life being the fabulous neuro divergent person that I have been beating up and trying to hide for the last 53 years in order to fit in.
This is wonderful! I just found out at age 51. It makes so much sense but I'm having quite a time at processing it. And grieving the fact that I have fallen between the cracks since I was little and still today.
I'm 40 and still wonder why my schools never picked up on it when it was so obvious. I feel failed by the system but then that's true for so many thousands of people who have been through far, far worse things. Hopefully it's better for younger people today.
@@DenkyManner I think it is just general awareness of how ASD presents, and it takes a long time to create social change (in this case acceptance, better treatments) amongst therapists, teachers, parents. In my line of work (Applied Behavior Analysis) I also know the stigma of having their child be “labeled” prevents parents from seeking diagnosis or therapy.
@@aquarius53866 Yes! I remember asking my mom questions and she just scoffed. I masked by taking drugs (opioid pain meds) for a decade. I've taken great steps to have 7yrs of sobriety and recently speaking of my add and Asperger's.
I am 72 and was diagnosed last year. I could identify every single difficulty and anxiety I have tried to overcome since early childhood. The process here in Scotland was pathetically uninformed and didn’t even offer specific counselling especially given the revelations and outcome of the process on my psychology. I am now a very angry aspie and have dropped a lot of my coping mechanisms in favour of being myself. I actually now like being me but my vigilance level is low so I am like an unguided missile at times. I have a part time volunteer job and have made sure the management know more about ASD than the very limited understanding they had. There is a huge deficit in mental health services in Scotland which has to be addressed.
I saw one day a report on Autism in Great britain. This showed a mother having a severely disabled child, growing up, becoming stronger and behaving agressively against his mother. As he could not speak, he resorted to blows. This was so shocking, considering the gravity of his condition. No support of any kind AT ALL. Dreadful. But there is also this case in Germany of a schizophrenic paranoid young man.. the health services had ignored all calls for help and warnings, till this poor lost man hit a knife in his grandmother's belly killing her. So support for Aspies? Nothing to expect. We help one another.
I’m 18 and haven’t been able to get an official diagnosis yet but it is very heartwarming to see older autistic people talk about their experiences and remember that there is a whole community of us out here. (I am definitely very lucky that I realised at 17 I was autistic, and I thought even that was quite late already…) Thank you so much for this video Paul and to all the participants :)
What an amazing group of people! I really loved Bill and Jose. Thank you for calling attention to the experience of older autistic adults. I feel like older people are still routinely marginalized and discounted; even as the culture makes strides to be more inclusive overall they are still overlooked. I was diagnosed last year at 38 after a decades of not knowing what was "wrong" with me. I'm so grateful for my diagnosis. Connecting with the online autistic/adhd community has been hugely healing for me.
My heart goes out to these people. My 40-year-old son just figured out in the last couple of years that he is on the autism spectrum. He is a brilliant, kind and talented person who struggled all of his life to fit in. They tried testing and counseling him when he was a child but could never figure it out and he struggled and went from school to school. As an adult He’s had a great career as an engineer with a wonderful company, but now he’s on disability for a bad back and it’s just sent him spiraling downward. He’s so alone. It’s just heartbreaking. I feel so helpless as a mother to help my son. And honestly, I think I’m pretty close to the spectrum myself. I always understood his struggles but I was like the ladies here who always got along and did well in school. But I’m different.
It's so good to see that other people my age are experiencing the same things I have - it makes me feel less alone. Generations ago, the Aspies were called "eccentrics" and they lived in boarding houses where they didn't have to be responsible for all the little things that are annoying to us - someone cooked for them, cleaned for them and basically looked after them so that the Aspies could just do their jobs and still function. I have burnt out of so many jobs and felt like a total failure because of that. But now it makes sense - the energy I've had to expend to seem "normal" is completely draining. And I've always said that "I'm the Queen of Tact because I have none!" I haven't always been very successful with the "masking" - I'm too forthright. And it is definitely getting harder as I get older. I actually can't wait to move into a seniors home where all my meals are provided - what a weight that will take off of me - no having to plan ahead, purchase groceries and keep an eye on the stove as it cooks lol!
I had a colleague 20 years ago who would have been an Aspie and he lived in a boarding house. I live a minimalist lifestyle in a small apartment. It definitely helps with energy management.
I thought i was the only one who had that idea that it would be great to live in a home where someone cooks and cleans and you don't have to manage all the tasks of everyday life. As long as I could get out into nature I would like that setup.
My grand plan was to get as rich as possible as young as possible so that I could outsource that stuff and somehow get by. I assumed it would get harder with age given that it’s an energy thing. And it is indeed getting harder
I was diagnosed as Autistic in my 60's and I have to say its made me feel very happy. Looking at my life how I behaved and was treated was always puzzling to me. You get a Chip on your Shoulder. I see now why it was and is. Yes it would have been life changing to have been assessed when I started School but they did not look for such things back in the 50's.
Such a relief to finally know (at 71) why I am not like the others. It's just who I am. And now I have something I can work with rather than just being blindsided. Like I said, relief! And I so appreciate the information you share. Very helpful.
“No Empathy” years ago at the beginning of my journey of trying to find myself, I almost thought I had ASPD because of how much I didn’t care about anyone but for some reason I also cared way too much and was overwhelmed at times.
This was SUCH an important video!! Thank you, Paul, thank you to all of the participants. Each of your voices was so significant. One moment that haunts me is Jose describing how others told her "you look normal" and then she says "but they don't know how it feels inside." This makes me kind of angry. Because you know what? She's been telling people for years - but they haven't been really listening. Step one in my book is for people to learn how to listen better, and when they hear what others are telling them, please, please, have some respect!
I'm 58 and just got diagnosed. Great to see some content that applies to the older generation. The lady talking about being misunderstood really touched me.
Im 65 and even though I’ve not been formally diagnosed, the traits and behaviors I have witnessed , answer a lot of questions I’ve had about the real me. It is a relief to set a goal on which to focus to better adapt to the others I encounter. I recently started my “retirement “. I’ve had much more time to explore my inner workings. It’s all different for a reason now.
Hi Paul, I'm 69yrs old and was diagnosed last year, here in the UK. I have now watched all your videos and have learned a huge amount. I just wish that I could have known from being a child. I also have a heart condition that requires walking everyday and so have that additional problem in managing energy and find myself sleeping longer at night and sometimes in the early afternoon. Keep up the good work. David
José if you feel lonely and want to connect to a fellow Dutch aspie (in their 30's) I am here!!! Breaks my heart to hear its best not to connect w other ppl 😢 Its all about connecting to the right ppl ❤ I hope she's not alone and got a loving family that takes care of her and supports her.
I related to David and his experience so much . There's so attention placed on younger people with Autism and trying to " fix" them that older more recently dx people fly under the radar . Needs like nursing homes will have to provide spaces for us that feel comfortable. Going to live in a nursing home with all that forced close contact is my worst nightmare. Josè story was really sad .
YES! A place without electrical noises, fans, motors, plumbing noises, nurses' walkie-talkies, tv or radio muted if present. Voices of people low, not yelling in middle distance. Where a person could be alone and safe, not too far from where they sleep, choice of sitting in sun or shade, or walking.
@@joycebrewer4150 sounds like my house. My Oasis of serenity. When my husband was still alive I created many different garden "rooms" that I could retreat to and just be alone.
31 yr old married to a late diagnosed Autistic woman and this just really helps me understand when they express their weakness to hold up the mask. It's hard to see it for that and not at face value. Another wonderful video and thank you for doing this topic specifically.
I can relate to Jose, I have had depression since 2008, and finally after persistence from my own effort to thrive and my new psychologist to notice some traits. She gently brought up neurodivegence and I have tested as autistic two weeks ago, age 61. This is an excellent video and thanks to you for bringing these amazing people together, this has been so helpful.
I find as I get older my tolerance for everything has decreased. When I wasnt aware I was autistic I would push myself through situations. However since finding out i am gone the other extreme. I havent been on holidays in years because I anticipate the exhaustion a holiday can have on me afterwards eg travelling, airports, crowds, etc. I'm less bothered about how I seem to other people as masking is just so draining. Always trying to pull myself back from the brink of burnout.
This resonated so much with me! I'm 60, recently retired, been somewhat weird all my life, preferring to work with machines than with people, worked in technical and IT fields, struggling to fit in, happy to be by myself, special interests/obsessions, a bit OCD, etc. I exhibit many of the signs of ASD (high functioning), what used to be called Asperger's. The masking, pretending, and impostor syndrome is just draining and overwhelming, so I've given up most of it. Over the past ten years I've looked into assessments and diagnosis, but here in Alberta it's all at own cost, unless you're in dire need, so it would cost me upwards of a few thousand dollars for a full work-up. At this point in my life, I don't see any benefits to a positive diagnosis other than confirmation of what I've suspected for a very long time. It's sad and difficult when people just don't "get me" (especially my family, who probably all think I'm just being an asshat on purpose), but I'm fine being the weird old man who keeps to himself.
Though not clinically diagnosed I know I have Aspbergers. I finally came to this conclusion around 2005 after extensively investigating autism online. When I read about Aspbergers I started to cry. I was reading about me! In grade school in the 1960's the school had me see shrinks cause they couldn't figure out how I could score so high on aptitude tests but have such mixed grades. While I have had friends, I am most comfortable on my own. I function well at my job but its emotionally exhausting. I frequently just veg at home to recharge my emotional batteries. Ironically I am very good at public speaking but one on one I have to police myself lest I drone on monopolizing the conversation. Those around me who know still don't understand what my condition is all about and think I should seek treatment rather than accept me for who I am! Now that I am older I don't try as hard to mask me. I am getting to the point of saying take me or leave me. Thank you so much for your videos. Its great to see I am not alone!
As a 64 year old Aspergian, I can relate to how life changes for us as we get older. I find that I'm getting more outspoken and I'm less concerned about what other people think about me. These changes can make me feel more insecure all at the same time because I'm not sure what is coming next regarding my thoughts and outward behaviors.
74 years here. And I think a similar experience in that I don't give an flying f what people think, I started out that way and might be getting more so in my old age.
I love this video. I’m 57 and discovered Aspergers 6 months ago. I’ve never felt like I fit in no matter how hard I’ve tried. I relate to so much of this. I love being alone, my previous mask was social, it was exhausting. I have a difficult time feeling connected to people, and honestly I don’t want to connect to them. I’d like to find an Aspergers support group that does fun things too. I deeply appreciate everyone on this video. Even if just for a moment I don’t feel so lonely.
I'm 56 and just diagnosed and trying to make sense of all of this. Hearing the stories of folk who have been undiagnosed for so long has really opened the flood gates. I can see back to the catalogue of disasters that I've trailing behind; so many different jobs, moved every few years, no old friends and terrified of loosing the 2 I've now had for a few years, never married, single with teenagers and in the middle of what I see now is a burnout. These videos are a lifeline and give me hope I can make real changes for the future but finding support is so hard. These videos are the most helpful I've found, and I've done a lot of research!
Thank you so much to everyone who took part, I am also a very late diagnosed Autistic, I was 56 when diagnosed, 4 years on I am still working my way though understanding how my life long struggles where not ‘my fault’ it’s good to know, I relate to all these people, there is so much out there for children but nothing for this age group. I live in a sheltered housing complex we have 31 flats. When I started talking about my autism 2 other residents came to me and asked about Autism, because they suspected they too were Autistic, Plus there are at least 2 other that don’t realise as well, it’s a lost generation. We fort our way though life most managed, but the cost was high, both mentally and physically. I dreamt getting any older and especially needing care, because it is not generally recognised that older people may be undiagnosed ASD.
Diagnosed at 40- ADHD after Menopause 10 years later. SO MANY layers for that. And I know I am not alone. I come to find out the hormones and dealing with these neurodiverse brains. so much feels about this vide0- thank you
Thank you for this! I am 49 and newly diagnosed. I am so so so relieved! Yet, the more I research and hear, I am truly PISSED! There is no money in autism. No cure. We don't want a cure. The money to be made is with the kids and this is why I believe the focus is on the kids.
I was born in 1962 (in South West England) and raised by my grandparents in a South Wales coal mining valley from age 10 months. Nobody at that time knew anything about autism, even when I left the valleys in late 1980's. Since finding out (two weeks ago) that I am autistic, I cannot count the number of times, even in my early childhood, that my autism was screaming out to be noticed - but it never was. Over the past ten years, I have been diagnosed and treated for severe depression, social anxiety, panic attacks and the list goes on and on. If only someone had known about autism and tested me for it, as a child, I am 100% certain that my life would have been a complete success, instead of a complete ruin. So, here I am now, aged 61 with two weeks knowledge that I am autistic and suddenly learning about a condition that I have for the first time in my life. I feel thankful that at last I can start getting things right but I am also grieving over all the multitude of things that went wrong out of ignorance and misunderstanding. If only I had known - and if only others had known...!
Thank you all. I will be forwarding this video to my therapist to help her understand what it's like to have gone through so much of life without knowing.
"When I'm alone I'm perfectly okay, but as soon as others come in, I feel that I'm different." That's made me cry because way before I started looking into autism for myself, I'd say that "I only feel abnormal when I'm around other people". She is decades older than me but I 100% relate to her with that. And it is tiring, completely. I find spending time around others very draining on my mental and emotional states. As soon as I'm by myself, I can be myself. (And I'm saying all this as someone who only suspects they're autistic; I've never had an assessment but I've done tons of research on it for the past few years.)
You've helped me alot on my journey over this past year and couple months. What started my learning was severe burnout that kept me from holding a job. Heart rate and Bp were always high with no physical triggers aside from constant hyper migraines that also kept me home... had a hard time even leaving my room, a harder time even being in a room of 3 or more... my aunt died in my livingroom the same day I lost that job... sat down and watched a Kyle Hill video about his "Superpower" and it started me down my rabbit hole if you will. But I write with purpose. I had a full on panic/anxiety episode when I found myself swept into a crowd of hundreds at a graduation ceremony in Houston TX. It sent me into flashbacks of almost drowning and I bruised my ribs somehow from clenching myself as I struggled to get somewhere with air almost. My GF actually had to find me and guided me out. I was mortified when I finally came into focus because I was around her family who dont really know me that well (I'm not very open) Composure and masks were, and still are critical for my public, professional and family image. I'm learning how to take those off in order to continue function as a middle aged man. Watching your videos helped immensely in the aftermath and the questions that followed. Thank you kind sir :)
It's giving "I'm not a cat" disclaimer zoom call energy. Adorable, lovable, intelligent, resilient strong, kind, valuable. You are my people. So glad I've found you
Finally, a video on older autistics. I feel it is wonderful that the neurodivergent community has it's voice heard more, but when I approach a few younger autistics with big profiles, they can be invalidating of our experiences, unrelatable. The grief and trauma I have been through in my 54 years, loosing my family as not being understood and also early abuse they did not wish to address, along with not understanding my overwhelm, meltdowns and inability to "show up" for jobs, friends etc, it was a lot to go through at the time and then again after diagnosis. My work saved me a lot, I am a healer and Astrologer and with meditation, self healing and research over 30 years, I feel I have been able to manage myself better and not become overwhelmed. BUT as I get older I find it harder, life is waring and I struggle with relationships, like the lady said, easier not to have any, as finding compassionate people who get it, is a challenge. MY husband doesn't get my autism, he tries but his bad, like really bad memory, leaves me anxious a lot......what am I to do with that ? I cannot afford to be by myself for eg with what I do, it's a lot and I am sure that autistics etc diagnosed earlier will also go through what we have unless the larger systems change and we are considered more and given more support, some of us struggle to work........I do at times, it's just too much & there is no help here in UK
Thank you so much for this. I will be 69 in a couple of months and I've taken the AQ and the Aspie Quiz, both of which showed a strong leaning toward autism, but I don't have a diagnosis. It is just so validating to know that I am not alone in the struggles I've dealt with for so long without help or support. Upholding the masks becomes a very heavy burden and the older I get the less energy I have to do that. It would be so wonderful not to have to waste any more precious and waning energy on pretending to be something I'm not.
I really appreciate this video. I am 41, diagnosed with ADHD at age 40, and I suspect that I'm autistic as well. I fell through the cracks I think because I got relatively good grades in school and was quiet most of the time. What folks failed to realize was the dense mental gymnastics going on to try and make myself stick out less/fit in more, and the grinding negative self-talk I've had all of my life. I've lost friends over the years because of my blunt style of communication and unawareness of how I was coming across to other people. People have always read me as angry, and true, there is a lot of anger in me, but even when I would try to make it clear that I wasn't angry about a situation, other people would read that in me. And as I age, I find harder and harder to mask, or to even care to mask, for other people's comfort or to fit in. Thanks for the video and for your round table for sharing their experiences. It's good to know we are not alone. Most of the people I'm close with these days are neurodivergent in some way. We are drawn to each other because there is a depth of understanding that we get from other neurodivergent people that we don't get from neurotypical people.
Hi- Younger Autist here myself, 23, Avery- I wanted to make a comment on something David said at the end of the video. He noted that knowing the things that he is doing differently could allow for him "to do something about it". I think it's important to note that we shouldn't have to change the things that we do that are not neurotypical. I personally have found it interesting to note the things that I do that are "different", and in terms of communication, finding that forms of communication might be different has been important to me, and will usually allow for me to properly convey that there might otherwise be a misunderstanding, but I will not change by creating new masks that fit their expectations of communication. It is an opportunity for someone else to understand my communication style, as I am willing to try to understand theirs. I will also not disregard sensory needs, social batteries, and other such aspects that are part of my functionality to make them feel comfortable with my actions. They are aspects of myself, and if they do not like them, then they do not like me as a person. I would rather not pretend that these things do not bother me for their social benefit. I believe it is highly a topic of discussion in parts of the younger autism community; that we are battling societal viewpoints of the autistic population in order to normalize such things, as we are essentially a minoritized population in the eyes of said society and would be otherwise disregarded. One of the best things about realizing that I am autistic, even when I was 22, was that I could affirm that I am the way I am for a reason. A reason which has real validity and cannot be argued into vaguity; That the massive amounts of specific experiences I'd lived up until this point were not in my own head alone; And the thing that led that is pride: Pride in a community of other autistics who have felt and experienced the exact same thing; who have shared similar traumas from a society which did not care for them; pride as we stand back up and claim our own space. I would hope that older autistic community knows that they too have every right so to stand up with us in doing so. You all do belong, in the community of other autistic individuals.
I stand with you at age 67. The time for change is NOW! The trauma experienced by older and other autistic adults is unimaginable by Nero-typical. Pride!
Its so amazing how José and I led completely different lives in completely different countries/cultures,and her being much older (im 25) yet what she said 100% resonated with me, it was like i could finish all her sentences. Just goes to show how real of an issue autism is!
The whole "no empathy" thing kept me from realizing for years, because my empathy is extremely high.
Were perceived as rude and having no empathy because our thoughts/heart cannot be expressed like neurotypicals We come off as cold despite our best efforts
@@unknowntosociety01 Or maybe need some "switching time", there is a sense of delay.
Exactly the same! And I thought I was a social butterfly, but I knew I was always performing 🤣
My 10 year old grandson is high on austistic scale and he is so full of empathy like no-one else I know and he tells me that we are exactly the same.
@@yvonne3903 Imho often higher in terms of sensitivity, definately not lacking empathy..
I’m 70 years young. I’ve suspected but as of now never been diagnosed. As a kid, I didn’t start talking until I was 4. I was the bullied kid that finally had enough and dropped out of school at 14. While at school I failed at everything until a math teacher figured me out and taught me the joys of math where I went from a 15% to a 98%.
I’m married, but live in separate houses in the mountains of British Columbia. I for the most part find it extremely difficult to socialize. I find my peace of mind sitting beside a creek, under old growth cedars, meditating, with my dog looking out for me. My only advice, embrace your uniqueness . I look around and see how others live and I become grateful for being me.
This was such a tough video to watch. Sometimes it feels like the world only cares about autism when you are a child. They deserve support as much as children, or maybe even more.
I think you're doing an amazing job giving voice to them. I really hope they find some support eventually.
That's so observant of you. It is a tough video to watch. And Paul's doing something really special here.
As a child in the 50s the incentives to be as normal as possible were absolutely incredible. Slipping my masking always felt like my life was in danger. This was the era of ice picks in brains for social misfits. I had to be (seen as) normal. That was an imperative that drove my life. Yeah, support and understanding, as much as an NT can manage, is WONDERFUL for the young folks. It was not even close to there, even after the "embarrassing Kennedy daughter" went public.
Support now can best be served as "go along with the person's gag until they ask you for money" is the way to handle everybody. I'm just a little harder in that regard than most. Mostly we know we are different. I'd like to be "different but OK and not dangerous" for a change without trying to hide it all the time.
{O.O}
@@Wizardess I am too young to remember the embarrassing Kennedy daughter. I am sorry you had such horrors to worry about. Just school bullies were hard enough to cope with for me. In an era when being a bully got you sent to the principle's office.
So true.,
Absolutely. I'm only 26 and I'm having such a hard time finding anyone who can assess me and help get me resources (that also take my insurance). Everything I've found so far has been for children, it's like they assume we "grow out of it" as we got older.
I’m 69 and diagnosed last month. I agree and understand these people talking. What’s depressing is looking back on a lifetime of knowing something wasn’t right but didn’t know exactly what it was. It affected my life in very, very significant ways.
I'm age 70 and discovered at age 69 that i was on the autistic spectrum. I had answered a questionnaire online and I scored significantly high. I was 46 out of 68. My whole life changed at 6 months old when was ill with measles and encephalitis. It was definitely due to a brain injury from the illness and changed who i was forever. It had significant effects on my entire life and does to this day. I have always been different. I ended up becoming a registered nurse at 41 and have majored in special needs people. I understand the autistic world better than neuro typical persons.
I have experienced grief over lost opportunities due to my deficits neurologically.
I understand how you feel as I found out I was autistic 1year ago, I'm 40 I never knew what was wrong with me but knew I wasn't like other people
Yes, it can be very damaging, not knowing. I felt I was just useless for not being able to do things that other people do so easily. And that affected my self esteem in a horrendous way. Recently, my mum told me that her and dad 'just thought I had a personality disorder'. And you said and did nothing about it?? Maybe I would have been able to get diagnosed before I was 49!
Same Susan, I started diagnosis for Autism June last year, then finally heard in November, that I was (i was 53). Such a relief at first, then the grief at looking back. The loss of friends, a life, work that if only I'd known, would not have gone into particular situations. We are now here in June and only just starting to understand my view of myself, what I can and cannot do and how I need to navigate. Be gentle with yourself, it's a lot
90 years old my mom was finally diagnosed. Thinking back on her life, challenges growing up as a highly intelligent girl during the Great Depression and a lifetime of being dismissed, it’s a new start for her. Love these videos. Thank you
How did your mom get diagnosed?
I am 58 and have been wanting to see more content like this. This is an almost completely underserved group of people. I don't know what will become of me if I become incapacitated, there are no resources. I am ok now, working, reasonably healthy but super loner also. I worry about my cats if something happens to me. I just don't want to be incapacitated. Please dedicate maybe one video every quarter to this population--so needed!!!!
You are correct this topic is so much needed and so invisible to the world. More please Paul!!!
Totally agree - .the late-diagnosis crowd has important and distinct issues that would benefit from attention.
Yeah, I worry about my cats too. I'm not old old yet, but I've often thought I could die at home and be dead for several days (or longer) before anyone noticed.
@@AdeleiTeillana yes I think this is common for many people living alone. Most asd friends I have are very isolated with little in the way of family or close friends. We always seem to do better with distant friendships.
@@AdeleiTeillana I joke about it, saying that my animals have permission to eat me if i die. But it is not really funny when you don't have anyone who cares if you're living or dead.
Just diagnosed at 80, after instituting an assessment last year. Another 2-plus months and I’ll be 81.
I have always felt “different”, done things that are considered socially “rude” or “odd”.
I have challenges with procrastination, completing projects, organizing my place, yet can make a presentation to a group of people that is comprehensive and organized, informative.
I have also been diagnosed with “unspecified ADD”, which may contribute to my challenges.
It’s relieving to have a diagnosis and I intend to search out recommended resources to help me with those challenges.
Thank you for having this forum, which allows me to see and hear “my people”.
I'm 66 years old and realized I had aspergers at 64. It's been a lonely journey. I'm so glad to hear of other seniors who are in a similar situation. I've had 4 psychiatric admissions over the years and finally realized they were major meltdowns. Ive been misdiagnosed since I was 5 years old and now I'm retired and completely exhausted. Years of wearing a mask, I'm now mentally spent and isolated. It gets more difficult as you get older
I'm 66. I've been a hermit for 4 years. Zero meltdowns, not even close. I've enjoyed that.
I'm been researching for 3 years and now planning to move to SE Asia. I've always felt like routine was a danger for me so every 5-10 years I change things. There will be lots for me to deal with but I'll learn. I see some pluses. I don't think masking will be as needed. Being a foreigner I will be an outsider but that will be normal. For me everything will be unexpected so maybe won't cause a meltdown.
Live-in housekeeper is $100/mo USD. No reason to be alone. Filipinos are world famous caregivers.
@@MrWaterbugdesign this is a great idea! I’m living in an isolated Belizean hut and I highly recommend the relocation strategy. When you’re already a foreigner, nobody expects you to act “normally.” They just accept you for who you are.
Hey Tom! I’ve been a hermit for my whole life and have come to the realization that I have autism/aspergers too. I’m luckily only 24 but I’ve been hospitalized in psychiatric wards times for suicidal tendencies. I always attributed my episodes to major depression and anxiety. But within these last few days I’ve been educating myself on the possibility that it’s always just been autism/aspergers
@@mannymoo are you hypermobile.just diagnosed 43 after sins diagnosis my grandfather had autism obviously always lead a hermit country life told his mum at 3 wanted be hermit.mum.ibvously has it severe ms do you have fybromyalgia pain ?
57 and I understand. I am so tired of loneliness.
I'm a retired 71 yo and just recently realized that the reason I was so able to connect and help the special needs kids in my classrooms is because I myself am on the spectrum. *waves at fellow teacherJose* I'm glad you all are who and how you are, beautiful people just as you are. Anyway, here's the big point I want to make: We need to stop thinking of others as "normal" because that means we are "abnormal." We should think of them as "ordinary" because then we are the ones who are "extraordinary." So dare to think of yourselves as bringing something wonderful to the table. It would be a very boring buffet without us! I have found that the happiest times in my life were the times when I was doing things with people who valued me and my contributions and thought of me as not weird, just different. I no longer feel hurt when someone shuns me because they don't understand me because meanwhile I admit I want to shun them for being so clueless haha.
Almost 53, diagnosed 3 years ago. This is the first time I've seen people older than me with Autism. Please thank them all for this video, and you for making it. I feel less alone now.
54 from Germany, just letting fall the mask down. I love singing and dancing and hugging you other aspies.
I just want to give Josė a big hug. She’s a good person deep down and just needs to know there are people in the world who “get it” and you’d be a welcome friend.
I feel exactly like her except I am male and a bit younger at 48.
José, I understand so much of what you are going through. I just turned 60 in May, and it is difficult to be on the spectrum and an aging woman. Finding out this late in life is hard, because NOW I get it. All of those times when I wished I knew what they talked about. Anyway-we are finding each other now!
I'm seventy and I know and can feel what you are going through. I like you.
Many thanks for the video to Paul
I thought immediately that I would happily be her friend.
@@GrannyGooseOnUA-cam I thought the same
I am 64 and self-diagnosed late last year. About five years ago, I did some provisional testing online and scored quite highly on several different available tests. I didn't think too much about it at the time but have been following Autistic UA-camrs, Tweets and Instagrammers because I have two Autistic grandchildren. I just kept having AHA moments. I have been seeing my 4th psychologist for about a year now and mentioned it to her. She showed me her notes about me where she had written "Autistic ?" in the margin but hadn't mentioned it to me. It seems that I am most likely Autistic with ADHD (deficit type).
I am happy to start to get to know who I am and why I've never really fitted into social groups and always been a loner. It's okay. Now I tell people up front that I'm Autistic and ask them to be understanding. If they can't accept that, they can shove it. It has been enlightening for my husband of 45 years, and he is learning new responses to my behaviours. We are much closer now.
I do grieve for the little child and the teenage me who always had mammoth struggles and was so misunderstood. I cry for her, but I'm happy for me. I just wish that I'd known a long, long time ago, my life would have been very different.
I understand grieving for the child and teenager. I expected eventually the 'acceptance' and 'moving on' part of grief but it didn't seem to happen. This year I'm trying instead to treat them as still alive in me and requiring my care and attention. E.g. the child was creative and imaginative so I make time in my life for creative and imaginative things.
I can personally relate to struggling in my childhood and teen years as a loner and having difficulty being able to article myself socially. I don't have many fond memories from thrse formative years and was diagnosed over 5 years ago as I was born with Asperger's. I wish, as you openly stated, that I knew this back then to be able to navigate my life better. I will say my diagnosis was rather cathartic and I am more at peace with myself than ever before!
You have what many never have, a spouse who accepts you, happy for you 😊
Same
I'm 60 and I've grieved for the child and adolescent me too. All the best.
I've been blubbering like a baby after watching Paul's video. Crying because the people sharing their stories are like me and crying because I've been alone my whole life with no support. I'm a 73 year old woman. I know now that Asperger's has impacted my entire life. After coming across one of these videos a few years ago I did endless research and now after watching this video there's no question I'm on the spectrum.
These are the only people I've told. My GP, my psychiatrist, my Mom, sister, son, and two close friends. Most have brushed this off as me being dramatic and weird. None have asked me about it or even mentioned it again so I haven't mentioned it again. I'm sharing this video with a couple of people I actually care about.
Thank you Paul for all that you do for us. I so relieved and grateful.
Follow up to my comment: This still applies:
"These are the only people I've told. My GP, my psychiatrist, my Mom, sister, son, and two close friends. Most have brushed this off as me being dramatic and weird. None have asked me about it or even mentioned it again so I haven't mentioned it again."
I shared Paul's video with 3 of the 7 people, telling them how important it is to me that they watch it. None of those 3 watched it. 😥 It's so confusing because I would never dismiss them like this.
@Running Red Fox You’ve made an interesting point. Have you had a similar experience where the people closest to you don’t really know you at all? It can feel very lonely.
@Running Red Fox Your observation is simple yet powerful. You’ve helped me see clearly that I’ve spent my whole life struggling with the same. Because I’m so different from my close family and large extended family the pressure to conform to “their version of me” created in me a nervous and guilt riddled child and woman who has always monitored my own words and actions to avoid disappointing and angering the people who should have accepted me.
I’ve never been able to hold down a job because I was steered into the type of work I absolutely hated. I never knew how to find friends because friends were chosen for me. Average little girls growing up in the 50s were taught how to make a bed, fold laundry, cook and clean instead of being encouraged to further their education, and find their own hobbies and friends. The only time I feel authentic is when I’m alone.
Red Fox, you’ve helped me more than you know. My regret is I’m 73 with health issues and limited time left to enjoy being me. Have a great day. Cheers from Canada. 🖐😊🇨🇦
@Running Red Fox I had to look up Discord. 😁 I could be interested. What do I do?
@curiouscanuk Try not to blame family and friends who don't "get it". Firstly there is still a lot of stigma about mental health issues, and Secondly, they have known you a long time and accepted your 'differences' as part of you so they probably see you as 'normal' and wonder why you're 'making a fuss' That doesn't mean that it's not important for you to enjoy making the best of things by being aware how AS affects you and also being kind to yourself and making peace with past struggles. May you find peace and joy in every aspect of your new life ❤
I’m 72 and was diagnosed around three years ago, after suspecting that I had been on the spectrum for several years.
The isolation under Covid gave me the chance to sort out my thoughts and to isolate my autistic traits from those I share with neurotypical people.
My most common one (and the hardest to control) is the tendency to go down the rabbit hole in conversations - my enthusiasm for a topic blinds me to the boredom/irritation of others. When I realise, I get anxious and it makes me talk even more - desperate to be understood.
My worst regret is the loss of my youth, accepting my family’s continual abuse for being ‘weird’ and their assumption that I should stay single as I was too unlovable to marry.
I hung around for 40 years trying to win the approval and affection of those who were incapable of ever giving it. Now I suffer CPTSD along with the agonizing emotional flashbacks inevitably triggered during everyday interactions.
If I had the chance to live my life again, knowing what I know now, I would take it, even with the abuse, for I would know enough to disregard the gaslighting and escape as soon as I could.
Then I might have had the chance to carve out a fulfilling life for myself. I’m doing that now, but there is so much I want to do and I am already too old for much of it.
Basically I need another lifetime.
Grief? Hell yes! I feel loss for the life I missed, the time I spent achieving what was expected and using all my energy masking to achieve it.
The knowledge that you are autistic is enormously liberating, it explains so much, it identifies your strengths, it outlines your areas of interpersonal risk and it comforts when you are told you aren’t acceptable. I grieve that I wasn’t armed with that knowledge until I was old.
Thank you for this post. It showed me that I wasn’t alone.
Oh yes people who are supposed to support you usually prefer to just put you down since you’re “weird” and get the quick ego boost from feeling “better than”.
Funniest is when they think they’re subtle enough to not have you notice it, but in reality, you’re either just too polite to point it out and/or you still depend on them for some reason (e.g. financially) so you just decide to let it slide and wait for better times
Heavens! I could have written both of these posts. I am gobsmacked to find, all in one afternoon, so many of my alien family. This makes me so happy! (Well, you probably know what I mean...)
That is so beautifully expressed. If I'd written about my experiences, it would be such a close match. Thank you for expressing this for yourself and for many of us.
Like if I would wright it myself... Thanks!
Thank you, my dear family. Aspies are like treasures. When you share, my whole being lights up, because I recognize you and share your experiences and perceptions. What a huge gift for a person who at 83 has never fit in, never been allowed to be authentic, been alone in every circumstance. To discover my Aspie personhood is real and I am not just a stupid, crazy, to be avoided outsider! Thank you all for comforting my scarred and broken heart, before my life is over.
Sending along blessings of inner peace and loving kindness. It's tough trying to exist in this bizarre world without extra gifts from beyond. I like to think of myself as an endangered species. It works! Many blessings to you in your journey. 🌸🦋
🙏
❤
I would hug you, if I could.
Thich Nhat Hanh had so wonderfully comforting words.. (having suffered from the vietnam war . That is his true life experience)
It goes like that
"Suffering is an information, kind of teaching you.." "If we practice good gardening of ourselves, suffering is the mud nourishing the new flowers that will grow out of it"
I am so rich! Thank god for all the teaching.
In my retirement i am gardening myself.
God bless you all
Peace
(67. Europe)
And it is never too late. Understanding and innerpeace only need the right moment, a minute or two to raise.
My wife and I are both 67. She’s autistic/ADHD I’m ADHD/dyslexic. We both found out (undiagnosed) after multiple grandkids were diagnosed as Autistic and or ADHD. The changes we have experienced because of this awareness and learning (fromPaul) and others has run the gambit of emotions and begun a process of personal reflection, change and relationship upheveal that will probably not end. We are both grateful for the knowledge yet find ourselves grieving over what could have been and how our lives would have been shaped if we had “known before”. Our future together is significantly brighter because we know and slowly we have been informing family and friends starting with the safest. It appears this process will take years particularly for my wife, because she has experienced orders of magnitude more trauma as a result of peoples reaction to autism. Thanks Paul for all you provide it changes and improves peoples lives. Thank you to each of the panel for being willing to share your personal experience I found it comforting to hear of your experience. Thanks to each of you!
I hear you! If only I would've known...:(
61 yeas old. Not officially diagnosed but I know. I sometimes feel like what is going on in my head makes so much sense to me but it is perceived as "weird" by others. It is nice to see that other adults can understand. I am high functioning and can STRUGGLE to behave "normally" in business settings; but it is a constant struggle.
Less is best. Dr Huberman recommends walking = moving "face forward" through post stress, naturally moving eyes left and right like ESMR, and you will be pleasantly surprised how you will reconcile some past painful interactions and practice how you will be able to make your "best self" responses next time.
@@mares3841 ESMR ? ! 🤨👀
@@verabolton EMDR
Becoming older, the struggle to fit in (in business life) got much heavier. One day the doctor suggested me to stop working and retire, so that I wouldn't have to "mask" anymore and could be myself.
I did retire at the age of 59. The best decision ever. I now am who I am. And I don't have to consider the opinions of other people anymore.
@@p.m.5141
I did something similar ... but I find I get very isolated, and feel like I am slipping towards becoming the weird old man on the block, assuming I am not already! ;-)
I’m a 66 year old women who has never been formally diagnosed, and I relate to so much of what I’m hearing. Thank you.
Though I'm not quite 60 yet, this topic is for me. As many of us in this age group know, few Aspies get this far in life unscathed. Looking forward to this video.
I said to my cardiologist, "I had 35 years of not knowing why I was different, I've had 11 years (now 12) of knowing that I'm autistic and I want another 46 years minimum, of positive autistic living ahead of me." She said that she liked that attitude.
Also if you were born in the 60s, we are of the generation where it wasn’t diagnosed especially in girls. Females weren’t even studied until 1992 I think (will check).
@@peterwynn2169 I'm 38 and never understood why I was until a few years ago even then I didn't grasp it because I wasn't "handicapped"
That's the stigma.
It's hard to find stuff that isn't aimed at children tbh
I think we, or many of us, have too much empathy. To the point it makes us shut down because we feel too much. We also do not always have a way to filter or the vocabulary to put to expressing feelings that overwhelm us. I also prefer to be alone but would like to make some aspie friends. 💕❤️🩹🙏
Absolutely Lyzzy!
Yes, too much. My ex husband dragged me to funerals of people that I had never met, where I put myself in the shoes of the surviving spouse or children or mother and I'd cry my eyes out, and be a hollow drained shell of a person for weeks afterwards. Once he even thanked me for crying because he said he couldn't cry, it was someone he knew! He worked with or went to school with! He felt nothing??
I do very well online and when writing. But if I talk I lose all my words and say too much or the wrong way. No one even some of my drs now still don't think I am. I have too much empathy and a high iq. I think some people are more comfortable assuming we're weird than they are questioning what they think autism is
@@CherrysJubileeJoyfully Absolutely!
@@recoveringsoul755 Sorry you had to go through that with the ex not understanding the damage he was doing to your extremely caring and beautiful soul❤️🩹❤️🩹🙏
That was a great video!! I am 57 and was worried that I would not fit in, I am so grateful to hear all the comments made by the 60+ gang. It must have taken alot of courage!
You are right, so much courage. One thing I now know autistic people are incredibly brave no matter what the world thinks.
I was instantly brought to tears by this video. In general, where I live, Autism is something about kids and school, only now Adults are reclaiming their needs, and identity, and realizing it is not a pathology, it is a way of being, a different wiring in the brain. Most of us born and socialized female don't meet the criteria from the DSMV because of the empathy factor (we are extremely sensitive and empathic and do not have the lack of expression that many practitioners expect from an autistic human!) and because we learn very early to mask extremely well. For me, the full realization after working for decades in Mental Health only came when I discovered that some of us are Psychologists, AND psychology is our special interest. I had no clue, although I knew it was weird that outside of my working hours, I am constantly reading and thinking about "work", and I want to talk about psychology with my children, and everybody really! Since many also do want to talk about that, and the places and people that were my usual hangouts usually had plenty of room for my "special interest" that delayed even more my seeking a diagnosis and understanding one by one all the things that didn't make sense in my life, including having been labelled a "psychopath" by a professor because of the masking. I am hugely encouraged by all who are entering this journey late in life, and I hope you too gain the freedom that is there for us when we no longer need to pretend to be who we are not! Thank you to all who were witnesses.
Autistic elders and older adults have always been the most loving, pleasant, and genuine people I have ever met. So many NT’s seem to live in a mindset of right and wrong, being right or not right, but those who are autistic have always been themselves (after those who I was close with dropped their masking slightly) it’s like I could see the radiant light of their genuine hearts shining through. That’s something that’s hard to come by nowadays
This is a heartfelt and honest look at autism and what it’s like for people. I want to thank the people in this video for their vulnerability to share their lives. Thank you all.
I am 61. Yep! "Learning to catch myself when I go down a rabbit hole in a conversation" This can be SO difficult to do. And the funny thing is that I know what I am doing when I am doing it but I just can not stop and correct the course of my speech while it is happening. I have learned that the best thing for me to do is to own my words and apologize if my words were offensive.
Yes it's hard to refrain from doing so. Though if Im quietly sitting and listening , that's hard for folks to accept.
Yes you see the whole story and it doesn't make sense without the details?
Yes, here I am talking to a customer, explaining absolutely everything about something they aren't really interested in. I know I need to shut up, but have such incredible difficulty actually doing it.
Going down the rabbit hole can be exciting for us, but bores the pants off NTs. 🤣
@@Lonewolf__666
Technically, who cares?
Thank you to everyone involved in this video. It means so much and I would love having any of you in my life. I can't believe that you and ones like you are out there and it makes me feel good knowing that💖.
I love Jim’s comment “Try to look at what we’re good at instead of what we’re not good at. Because what we’re not good at is so obvious.” 💙🥲
❤️❤️❤️‼️
This resonated with me so much.
*Yes.* I spent a lot of my life struggling with something but breezing through others. My parents said that one of my problems with school is that so much comes easily that when I run into something that's hard, I don't want to do it *because* it's hard. We didn't know about Asperger's at the time, but there was truth to what they said. I just had trouble seeing that because it seemed like I struggled with far more than anyone else. I even told Mom that I was upset that my little sisters were better at many things than me because I was older and supposed to be better. She had to explain that everyone has things they're naturally good at and things they simply *aren't.* She also tried *so hard* to teach me to cook, sew, and other domestic things. I'm getting a bit better with the sewing (as I'm pushing 40) but I still *suck* at cooking. I get distracted too easily.
🥰
❤
A very affirming video for me, thank you. I’m only 48 - look and feel 60 - due to a lifetime of masking ASD, ADHD, OCD and CPTSD from childhood abuse. I always wanted letters after my name (after 4 failed attempts at Uni) just didn’t expect so many! For years I mistook ASD & ADHD for CPTSD, and finding out I’m neurodivergent has enabled me to forgive myself for being me, not the useless broken no-hoper loner that friends, family and me have been saying all my life. Yr channel has proved so helpful to me, this video especially ❤️
I'm 61 and was diagnosed just over a month ago. As one of the guys said, "I've been weird all my life", but I was just that shy kid who hardly ever said anything in class. I can totally empathise with almost everything that everyone in the video said. When I was diagnosed I could physically feel the sense of relief flowing through my body, but there's also now that sense of grief. A realisation that I've had to live my whole life trying to pretend to be someone and something that I'm not......without even realising that I was doing it, until now.
I’m 68, retired at 58, and have recently completed my ten-year transition between partial masking to full-on DGAF no-masking.
People are free to think what they want about me and I’m totally there for them in their efforts to cope with my sometimes-challenging presence.
Yes, Bill! When people try to "fix" my problems, it makes me feel unseen, unheard, not accepted as I am, not capable of knowing and helping myself.
Can someone let Jim know that the “lack of empathy” is likely a misconception??? I’ve never met someone with AS who doesn’t have very strong empathy that shows itself in the most unexpected ways…
Myself included. Especially toward animals for me in particular. I almost cried when I saw a guy traumatizing a baby bunny when he was attempting to rescue it today…
there are many autistic people who have high empathy, but there are also many autistic people who have low empathy. many autistic people even have a mix of both high and low empathy, since there are different types of empathy
Empathy has a different meaning to psychologists than to most people. To psychologists empathy means you don't read people's emotions well. That doesn't mean that autistic people don't care. Most of us do care about others once we know what is happening with them.
That empathy thing throws me off too, I'm not diagnosed but I feel like I have too much empathy most of the time. With the way the world is now, I almost feel like it's better to just be numb
We don't lack empathy, we lack the ability to unconsciously display the signals that people read as empathy.
or, I have empathy but do not understand how saying ohhhh what a shame, or hugging a person can help, so do not respond in that way.
Thank you Paul, for this excellent video. It brought a lump to my throat as I listened to each of the stories. I can identify with every single one and I send my thanks to you all for speaking up. At 66, I too am completely mentally exhausted from a lifetime of being a ‘square peg in a round hole’. And Paul, this is the first time I have seen ANYONE speaking up for over 60s with Autism - this has made me feel relieved that I am not alone in my mental exhaustion - it was abundantly clear from these stories that this is a common thread. I’m U.K. based and it is almost impossible to ‘come out’ as Autistic in later life here. I’ve known since 2005 that my lifelong ‘weirdness’ has a name. It was a huge relief but then what? I masked very well all my life and suffered deeply behind closed doors. The few people I tried to tell denied it on my behalf! You? Autistic! Ha ha ha - don’t be stupid - that kind of thing. There is one person on this planet who knows the real me and that’s my husband. The thought of ever having to live in this world again without this understanding fills me with dread. So I try to concentrate on being thankful for each day as it is now and not fret about the future. I’ve finally stopped trying to ‘fit in’ in group situations (like the choir I joined and really struggled with inside my head for a few years). As you all point out, as we get older we seem to lose the ability to mask and play the game of fitting in. Although I have never really been a part of a big group of friends, I have been very good at making long term solitary friends who like me for who I am and vice versa. There is a certain kind of person who ‘gets me’ and really appreciates all the things about me that seem to push others away. I value those friends so much - intelligent NTs (some maybe Autistic too) who don’t judge my ‘weirdness’ as being a negative thing, so I don’t feel compelled to hide it. Thanks again Paul and all those in this video - you are all shining lights for us over 60s Aspies out here not daring to speak up for ourselves in the NT world. You’ve made it that little bit easier to cope. 🙏
59 this year. I was diagnosed 5 years ago. Before that, rafts of depression drugs I didn't need. Much better now...
Very similar experience:decades of often dangerous (for me) meds for depression ,stopped them under doctor supervision 6 yrs ago and formerly diagnosed this year at almost 59 years old. Finally I’m working with my brain,instead of against it = much more peaceful day to day.
This is fascinating. I’m 58, diagnosed a couple years ago.
Yes! I was misdiagnosed so many times and I was on horrible and unhelpful drugs. How are you managing now? What makes you better? I am open to any input. Thank you.
@@dimpsthealien333 personally I’ve been on lots of psych meds for many years. Now that I know I’m Autistic I’ve been tapering off them. Trying to be myself.
@@meganmahoney1749 that's wonderful! I too went off them years ago. That was long before I knew the truth about myself. But I am still anxious and depressed. I am not sure how to get out of this darkness.
I'm 50 and self diagnosed because I've gotten really good at pretending to be neurotypical.
Hearing you all is hard to express. I have overwhelming empathy and I know that I'm like you because I find you all so endearing. I think the key is for us to be there for each other!
Best wishes to you all.
I'm almost 54, my mother realized it at 55, and I saw my grandfather age to 86 as an autistic undiagnosed person. I'm going through burnout right now and having a hard time masking and having frequent sensory overload. This has been helpful.
I can really relate to your videos. Realizing that I'm autistic really made sense of my life. I always thought that I was funny, kind and empathic, but no one else thought I was. I've never been a good masker. In fact, when people told me I was weird, I'd reply that I was unique. This might have saved me a lot of energy. But I paid a high price. I spent most of my life without friends, no job and no partner, despite being both a Ph.D. economist and lawyer. After a long spell of unemployment, I'd find a job and after a couple of days get fired for vague reasons or be presented with a list of grievances I caused the employers. A few years ago, I did find a job as a substitute teacher. I didn't qualify for the position because I didn't have good references. When the human resource department requested that I get a new list of references, I told them that I wouldn't be able to work for them. Due to teaching shortages, they waived my reference requirement.
I've discovered revealing myself as autistic can sometimes be helpful, but can also sometimes backfire against me. Now as a substitute teacher, I've discovered that if I reveal to students and staff that I"m autistic my employment tenure tends to go more smoothly than if I attempt to mask. On the other hand, I revealed to my doctor that I was autistic and the result was that they stopped taking me seriously. They told me that my nerve pain and numbness in my feet for the last five years was probably just a product of my imagination.
I agree with an earlier video of yours that we are innovators, but not leaders. Years ago, my proposed doctorate dissertation on the economics of the greenhouse effect was shut down on grounds that climate change had little scientific basis so I changed to a then more mainstream topic. I was rewarded a Ph.D., but since I didn't get along with my professors, I couldn't find a job. Today, I am happy to know that my proposed dissertation topic is now mainstream in economics.
So when did you realise that you were Autistic, and how did your immediate circle of relations(parents, colleagues etc) react?
@@BetheChange80 In the early 2000s.
I grew up in a narcissistic family structure. The assessment confirmed family members' belief that something was wrong with me and was further evidence that I was the problem.
Since my original comment, a couple of my doctors and primary care doctor apparently have blacklisted me. Thus, I'm worried that I've set myself up for poor future medical care. As for my colleagues, the results are mixed. Since my original comment, I've discovered that it is a bad strategy to reveal my autistic identity right up front. Revelation requires some tact. It is best done early in an assignment but in an indirect way.
I’m glad you were able to overcome that.
I am sorry to hear of your challenges. I hold a BS and a MS in engineering. I also have gotten fired for every single job, except my last math teaching job this year. I usually get praised on my jobs at the beginning for my ability to figure out creative solutions but then a few months later they don't like my personality. I feel frustrated with people cause they are not very intelligent, do not pay attention to details and are not very efficient. After I got diagnosed I started studying my condition and realized that I did not have much emotional intelligence. Slowly, I am learning to be more patient, more compassionate as I realize that people mean well and are doing their best. I was lucky that I got a couple of houses a few years ago and some rental income from them. My marriage did not last long and my older son does not believe I am autistic even though I had a formal diagnosis a few years ago when I was 54. I wish I knew that my ways to express myself come across rude at times and that people are doing their best. It is getting better but I still have a lot to improve.
I can totally relate, especially to Jose . . . I don't feel enthusiastic about meeting new people. Training new people at work is stressful, because they often want to be my friend, but most of the time I would rather spend time with myself (and my cat).
Im creating extra work to be too busy to train our new guy at work, just got news that we have another person joining soon and im dreading having to mask even more now to appear like Im someone they can rely on to learn the ropes and actually knows what hes talking about. Misery
@@unknowntosociety01 Yes, it sucks! I had to train 3 new people, but the first 2 didn't stay. In that case I was having to work with a new person per week for 3 weeks, and then anxiety and burnout really got me. I was afraid that I was just going to quit my job, and then become jobless. This third new person has been with us for about a month now and I am just beginning to figure her out. She is quite extroverted and we had some conflict a week ago, because I confronted her about things not being clean, and she got upset. I was afraid that I would have to carry the full workload myself, because I would have to clean what she didn't clean. I may start to have hope now. Good luck to you though. 🙏
can relate to this but a cat would be too much persistent socialising for me and I prefer birds
@@louanon Fair enough ☺.
Diagnosed less than a year ago at 54. I’ve done a lot of internal complaining about not finding out until so late, but this video put me in my place. My heart aches for these fellow aspies. There is so much work to do. Thank you Paul for helping us come together.
My husband showed me a video on UA-cam about autism and said...that's you! Which led me to watch more. This video is great for me as I am 74 and I realize I am autistic...and I also have hyperacusis which makes me wear ear protection most of the day and have tinnitus 24/7. I am my husband's caregiver who is paraplegic. It's only because of Gods grace that I am still here. Realizing that I'm not crazy was such a relief. We live in a very noisy world, and I've told my hubby my desire is to live on a deserted island and have a McDonald's coffee and muffin every day 😀. Being around people is not a joy...noise is no fun. Shopping in Walmart is like a horror film. I now know that it's okay to take off my mask...a huge relief. And so, life goes on with more understanding of the issues that pertain to autism. Thanks for the folks who participated. I live in Kelowna B.C. Canada.
An important thing to remember is that as people age their levels of hormones and absorbtion of nutrients drop. This will have an impact on energy and can be addressed, because we are not neuro typical we may associate it only with that. For example the gentleman who felt he had less patience with people, that can be a lack of zinc which is common for men, and older men, supplimentation can help. It just may be harder for him to mask than it is for neuro typicals. All great people here. You are not odd. You are totally inspiring. Kudos to the organic farmer! Much admiration and respect to you all. Thanks for sharing
Very good point! I wonder how much the physical condition of getting older affects autism.
@@JoseMeeusen In every way, same as does neuro typical people. Most people do not get the information to help with these things. Doctors are not nutritionally trained professionals. They do not check levels of nutrients or offer many if you ask. Perhaps vit D, the B vits,Iron , perhaps Homocystine levels if you ask specifically. Most folk must find a private lab or clinic that measures these. Heavy metals in the system , and mercury from dental fillings, for example cause problems , ranging from confusion to other symtoms( research this) and yet this can be reversed. We are all the physical human system first and foremost. It is useful to check these things first. Older men/ people tend to stop absorbing B12 , this is not ideal (look up deficiency symtoms) . Easily remedied . Talk to a good nutitionist who understands and applies an holistic approach , in other words , looking at the whole person . Our eating habits, sleeping and movement rule our world more as we age.We are, generally speaking, more sensitive to stimulants( caffine, alcohol, also white sugar, white bread /glutens will subtract from our store of nutrients. Balance is key.
Zinc and magnesium are VITAL
@@JoseMeeusen in my early 60's, wondering too!
People with ASD tend to have poor gut health so unless that’s fixed it makes sense that brain health would just get worse.
I always love to hear from older autistic people. I'm in my 40s and thinking carefully about the trajectory of my life from here on now that I know I'm autistic. It seems that fatigue is a big feature in later life and an even bigger need for living true to personal needs.
Yes. I literally researched autism and aging because I am already finding it difficult to mask at 36 years old. I never considered autism until I realized that I could no longer tolerate long, hard grueling days at work, and unable to fully mask my irritation towards people who are just too much for me (making small talk with me and knit picking at things that don't matter (such as asking me why the soap bottle fell into the sink, and asking how I tipped it over and why) 😶. I have a hard time looking forward to all of that again.
For me , masking definitely takes a toll on my mental and physical energy.
@@ArtsyMegz_On_Etsy “Asking me why the soap bottle fell in the sink,etc” I can so relate!!! This made me lol.
@@ArtsyMegz_On_Etsy and then they're irritated/angry because you answer their questions about the soap bottle because you've taken the questions literally and not read the sarcasm. (That's my experience in similar situations).
@@sylviaingram9910 Every freaking day I tell ya! Or I drop a piece of scrambled egg on the counter; and the next thing I hear is, "What's that?!" as they point at it; and then ask me why it's on the counter. You should see me fight with myself to try and come up with an answer (because how do you answer that question without making them feel stupid after?). I'm not looking forward to tomorrow Sylvia . . . I'm telling you right now. 😳
Hi! Happy to see all of you. Thanks Paul! i’m 83 , found out 15 years ago. Total happy shock when I found out by accident. I worked in nursing for 50 years mostly in pediatrics l So I was angry that I didn’t know
I am 61 and have not been diagnosed but I have always known that something was different about me. Watching these videos has helped me to better understand. Not sure that a formal diagnosis would help more than the peace that I am starting to feel now with my "self diagnosis".
Share your astonishment. I am 83 wirh a degree in psychology - looked for answers very seriously. Have a high IQ but ...that is no measure of being able to see and accurately respond to social cues and expectations. The whole abstracting process is slanted away from social norms. Wrong planet says it all😊
I was diagnosed one day before my 70th birthday, after years of failed attempts to get counselors to take me seriously and really pay attention to what was going on inside of me. For me, the diagnosis was a relief and a blessing. All the things about my life that I never understood, finally makes sense. I have begun to accept my differences and unique prospective as a gift, and not a curse. It's only been 5 months, but I am much happier and more accepting of who I am. I'm still learning. It's good to hear others stories about similar experiences.
I’ve just learned at the age of 57 why I’ve seemed so different all these years. I am still processing this revelation and cannot discern if I am relieved or not. How different would life have been if I had known sooner?
It’s strange. I so very much desire to be with people. However, when I am actually with others, it feels like an arduous task that evokes so much anxiety.
I'm also 73 and identify so much with these comments, particularly social aspect. I have a few good friends who understand. I would love to be diagnosed. I would feel liberated.
59 and diagnosed two and half months ago. I really relate to everything these beautiful autie elders had to say. I burnt-out, but still had to force myself to go to work almost mute, shaking, crying all day as I had no support and no manageable strategies. Eventually referred and waited months for testing and confirmed ASD. I'm coming out the other side of the grief now with regular therapy, lots of rest, trying to grapple my way back to managing to maintain the basics of wake, eat, exercise, sleep. I'm unsure whether I will be capable of returning to work full-time (biggest environmental impact on my hypersensitivity). Relief through understanding, hoping to learn healthy strategies to replace poor coping strategies, even finding community for the first time in my life. @aspergersfromthe inside .... thank you, your videos are helpful, eye opening and useful. I would love to see regular videos from autistic elders. Their insights are valuable.
The pain inside can be hard to deal with. We need to discuss the impacts of autism so that we can help each other deal with the challenges we face on a daily basis. I am very thankful that this video was made available. Thank you!
Thank you to everyone who were part of this and to everyone who's responded. I self-diagnosed about 2 months ago, and this whole discussion has helped me understand and believe in myself and know who I really am, and that I'm not alone.
Great video. I am 62 and have spent most of my adult life reading, going to therapists, trying to figure out how to get along in the world, and wondering what was "wrong with me". Being uncomfortable in groups, trying to look normal when meeting new people but secretly knowing that once they got to know me, they'd fade out of the picture and I wouldn't know why. I suppose I'm lucky to have siblings who "put up with me" enough to accept and even love who I am.
I did the Autism Questionnaire and it all made sense; I was not surprised at my high score. What's sad is that so much of my life was spent trying to learn how to fit in and be liked for who I am. And now I know that will never happen. I won't fit in, and I will always be seen as weird. And yet I'm so proud of who I am and what I've accomplished, and how my brain works and solves problems creatively. I am Awesome but Different.
I am 69. Self diagnosed a few years ago by watching these expected videos.
So excited and grateful for all of for all of you people who are just like me.
Heading your stories has opened a new reality for me.
I wish that you all were my close friends.
Nah, we can't be close friends bcz that's so exhausting (🤣), but we'd probably like you well enough! Very best of luck to you! 💛
Ironic how many people criticise us for lacking empathy, while simultaneously showing no empathy towards us.
They can’t do that because they don’t understand us... which demonstrates how poorly empathy brings understanding. You have to understand before you can properly empathise. IIRC, Tony Atwood wrote that NTs have a Master’s Degree in non-vocal communication, so empathy “works” between them because they tend to think and react alike .
That is assuming that their cultural backgrounds and core values are similar. Attempting to empathise with violent criminals has only lead to observed failures in our judicial systems.
I *love* this comment! It reminds me of so many funny stories in my life about my Aspie son lovingly referred to as "my last ten children". He was a challenging child. Although I readily saw what a sweet nature he has, he was not considered so in school, where the remedy was seen as apply more discipline. They meant I should hit him! This has a happy ending in that I finally found a school that could figure out what he was missing in his education and fill in the gaps. He graduated high school with better academic skills than his sibling, and went on to get a BA in history. I didn't recommend this major, but he was anxious to prove he could succeed academically like his sibs.
I never saw him with his masks, as people call it here in these comments, until he was in his late 20's when I attended a dinner party with him. He was animated and extremely witty. I was astonished.
It is important to note the difference between sympathy and empathy. @Peter Webb is describing sympathy. The commenter above that describes crying at funerals of people she does not know--that is empathy. She empathasizes with the grief in the room; she feels it. Sympathy is the I-know-how-you-feel crowd; that is, if I were in your position, I would feel that way too.
I'm a 65-year-old woman who has some autistic traits. I always thought I was just an introvert, but like that one lady in the video, I've always been a total loner. Friendships have been hard for me and I prefer cats to people. I only learned about masking a year ago and realized that I do it all the time. Unlike many people with autism, though, I have good executive function and have worked at a desk job most of my life. Now that I'm working from home, it's been a relief to not have to see or deal with co-workers I can't relate with and I always feeling like an outsider.
I’m so grateful for this. I only just recently discovered I’m autistic at 57. Recently, as in last week. Through this lens, life now makes so much sense- but I also feel incredible grief. I am shocked and overwhelmed. Josè could have been speaking about me, my words out of her mouth. It made me cry with a strange relief of being understood. All of you said at least one thing I identify with, but Josè especially. Thank you.
I have searched the internet and UA-cam for information about late diagnosed seniors, and this is the only one I have found. Thank you. It seems that when the community talks about adult autism, they are talking about the 20, 30, and sometimes as old as 40. I was 72 when my therapist suggested I presented with autistic traits. This knowledge has changed my life for both good and bad. I have come to realize that I have been masking for so long that it's now an automatic reflex. Anytime I'm around even one other person, the mask goes on. I'm now wondering about the people in my life who consider themselves to be my friends. Are they really just friends of my mask? Will they remain my friends if the mask comes off? It takes a lot of effort to keep the mask on, and it takes a lot of effort to take the mask off.
Brilliant and accurate. Thanks!
Now i am really really grateful towards my cognitive behavioral trauma therapist to have let me discover my abilities and major issues without any labelling at all! Over a decade . But in the way he has supported me, i know now with 67, that he knew that. This is SO tactful!
Once i asked him "have I Asperger's?" He answered "Labels are not of great help. The point is to discover with trial and error what you are able to and what does not work"
In fact saying me that would have been an absolute contraproductive No-Go, as my trauma consisted of my mother rejecting and insulting me as "crazy" as i was just this fragile struggling labile teen-ager
Big love to all in the video, what amazing souls they all are. I've just been diagnosed as and Aspie with ADHD at 53 and what a relief that is, I only looked into it to learn more about my Dads behaviour ( undiagnosed but very obvious ADHD and Autistic traits ) I'm going to spend the rest of my life being the fabulous neuro divergent person that I have been beating up and trying to hide for the last 53 years in order to fit in.
This is wonderful! I just found out at age 51. It makes so much sense but I'm having quite a time at processing it. And grieving the fact that I have fallen between the cracks since I was little and still today.
I'm 40 and still wonder why my schools never picked up on it when it was so obvious. I feel failed by the system but then that's true for so many thousands of people who have been through far, far worse things. Hopefully it's better for younger people today.
@@DenkyManner I think it is just general awareness of how ASD presents, and it takes a long time to create social change (in this case acceptance, better treatments) amongst therapists, teachers, parents. In my line of work (Applied Behavior Analysis) I also know the stigma of having their child be “labeled” prevents parents from seeking diagnosis or therapy.
@@aquarius53866 Yes! I remember asking my mom questions and she just scoffed.
I masked by taking drugs (opioid pain meds) for a decade.
I've taken great steps to have 7yrs of sobriety and recently speaking of my add and Asperger's.
I am 72 and was diagnosed last year. I could identify every single difficulty and anxiety I have tried to overcome since early childhood. The process here in Scotland was pathetically uninformed and didn’t even offer specific counselling especially given the revelations and outcome of the process on my psychology. I am now a very angry aspie and have dropped a lot of my coping mechanisms in favour of being myself. I actually now like being me but my vigilance level is low so I am like an unguided missile at times. I have a part time volunteer job and have made sure the management know more about ASD than the very limited understanding they had. There is a huge deficit in mental health services in Scotland which has to be addressed.
I saw one day a report on Autism in Great britain. This showed a mother having a severely disabled child, growing up, becoming stronger and behaving agressively against his mother. As he could not speak, he resorted to blows. This was so shocking, considering the gravity of his condition. No support of any kind AT ALL. Dreadful.
But there is also this case in Germany of a schizophrenic paranoid young man.. the health services had ignored all calls for help and warnings, till this poor lost man hit a knife in his grandmother's belly killing her.
So support for Aspies? Nothing to expect. We help one another.
I’m 18 and haven’t been able to get an official diagnosis yet but it is very heartwarming to see older autistic people talk about their experiences and remember that there is a whole community of us out here. (I am definitely very lucky that I realised at 17 I was autistic, and I thought even that was quite late already…) Thank you so much for this video Paul and to all the participants :)
What an amazing group of people! I really loved Bill and Jose. Thank you for calling attention to the experience of older autistic adults. I feel like older people are still routinely marginalized and discounted; even as the culture makes strides to be more inclusive overall they are still overlooked. I was diagnosed last year at 38 after a decades of not knowing what was "wrong" with me. I'm so grateful for my diagnosis. Connecting with the online autistic/adhd community has been hugely healing for me.
My heart goes out to these people. My 40-year-old son just figured out in the last couple of years that he is on the autism spectrum. He is a brilliant, kind and talented person who struggled all of his life to fit in. They tried testing and counseling him when he was a child but could never figure it out and he struggled and went from school to school. As an adult He’s had a great career as an engineer with a wonderful company, but now he’s on disability for a bad back and it’s just sent him spiraling downward. He’s so alone. It’s just heartbreaking. I feel so helpless as a mother to help my son. And honestly, I think I’m pretty close to the spectrum myself. I always understood his struggles but I was like the ladies here who always got along and did well in school. But I’m different.
Paul, this is wonderful. I am 60, please do more for older people. Thanks to all who shared personal experiences.
It's like we don't exist on the www.
It's so good to see that other people my age are experiencing the same things I have - it makes me feel less alone. Generations ago, the Aspies were called "eccentrics" and they lived in boarding houses where they didn't have to be responsible for all the little things that are annoying to us - someone cooked for them, cleaned for them and basically looked after them so that the Aspies could just do their jobs and still function. I have burnt out of so many jobs and felt like a total failure because of that. But now it makes sense - the energy I've had to expend to seem "normal" is completely draining. And I've always said that "I'm the Queen of Tact because I have none!" I haven't always been very successful with the "masking" - I'm too forthright. And it is definitely getting harder as I get older. I actually can't wait to move into a seniors home where all my meals are provided - what a weight that will take off of me - no having to plan ahead, purchase groceries and keep an eye on the stove as it cooks lol!
I had a colleague 20 years ago who would have been an Aspie and he lived in a boarding house. I live a minimalist lifestyle in a small apartment. It definitely helps with energy management.
I thought i was the only one who had that idea that it would be great to live in a home where someone cooks and cleans and you don't have to manage all the tasks of everyday life. As long as I could get out into nature I would like that setup.
My grand plan was to get as rich as possible as young as possible so that I could outsource that stuff and somehow get by. I assumed it would get harder with age given that it’s an energy thing. And it is indeed getting harder
I was diagnosed as Autistic in my 60's and I have to say its made me feel very happy. Looking at my life how I behaved and was treated was always puzzling to me. You get a Chip on your Shoulder. I see now why it was and is. Yes it would have been life changing to have been assessed when I started School but they did not look for such things back in the 50's.
Such a relief to finally know (at 71) why I am not like the others. It's just who I am. And now I have something I can work with rather than just being blindsided. Like I said, relief! And I so appreciate the information you share. Very helpful.
“No Empathy” years ago at the beginning of my journey of trying to find myself, I almost thought I had ASPD because of how much I didn’t care about anyone but for some reason I also cared way too much and was overwhelmed at times.
This was SUCH an important video!! Thank you, Paul, thank you to all of the participants. Each of your voices was so significant. One moment that haunts me is Jose describing how others told her "you look normal" and then she says "but they don't know how it feels inside." This makes me kind of angry. Because you know what? She's been telling people for years - but they haven't been really listening. Step one in my book is for people to learn how to listen better, and when they hear what others are telling them, please, please, have some respect!
I'm 58 and just got diagnosed. Great to see some content that applies to the older generation. The lady talking about being misunderstood really touched me.
Im 65 and even though I’ve not been formally diagnosed, the traits and behaviors I have witnessed , answer a lot of questions I’ve had about the real me. It is a relief to set a goal on which to focus to better adapt to the others I encounter. I recently started my “retirement “. I’ve had much more time to explore my inner workings.
It’s all different for a reason now.
I found out at 64 years old, it was a big relief, no grief at all. It gave me the answer of what my life has been and what the causes were.
Hi Paul, I'm 69yrs old and was diagnosed last year, here in the UK. I have now watched all your videos and have learned a huge amount. I just wish that I could have known from being a child. I also have a heart condition that requires walking everyday and so have that additional problem in managing energy and find myself sleeping longer at night and sometimes in the early afternoon. Keep up the good work. David
José if you feel lonely and want to connect to a fellow Dutch aspie (in their 30's) I am here!!! Breaks my heart to hear its best not to connect w other ppl 😢 Its all about connecting to the right ppl ❤ I hope she's not alone and got a loving family that takes care of her and supports her.
I related to David and his experience so much . There's so attention placed on younger people with Autism and trying to " fix" them that older more recently dx people fly under the radar .
Needs like nursing homes will have to provide spaces for us that feel comfortable. Going to live in a nursing home with all that forced close contact is my worst nightmare.
Josè story was really sad .
YES! A place without electrical noises, fans, motors, plumbing noises, nurses' walkie-talkies, tv or radio muted if present. Voices of people low, not yelling in middle distance. Where a person could be alone and safe, not too far from where they sleep, choice of sitting in sun or shade, or walking.
@@joycebrewer4150 sounds like my house. My Oasis of serenity. When my husband was still alive I created many different garden "rooms" that I could retreat to and just be alone.
Yes, this is my worst nightmare, too.
@@k.b.woodworker3250 I know , I see those advertisements for retirement homes and think of all that enforced socialising in common area .
@@katella For me, that was a wish list, not reality. My reality is exactly the things I was wishing I was away from.
31 yr old married to a late diagnosed Autistic woman and this just really helps me understand when they express their weakness to hold up the mask. It's hard to see it for that and not at face value. Another wonderful video and thank you for doing this topic specifically.
I can relate to Jose, I have had depression since 2008, and finally after persistence from my own effort to thrive and my new psychologist to notice some traits. She gently brought up neurodivegence and I have tested as autistic two weeks ago, age 61.
This is an excellent video and thanks to you for bringing these amazing people together, this has been so helpful.
I find as I get older my tolerance for everything has decreased. When I wasnt aware I was autistic I would push myself through situations. However since finding out i am gone the other extreme. I havent been on holidays in years because I anticipate the exhaustion a holiday can have on me afterwards eg travelling, airports, crowds, etc. I'm less bothered about how I seem to other people as masking is just so draining. Always trying to pull myself back from the brink of burnout.
This resonated so much with me! I'm 60, recently retired, been somewhat weird all my life, preferring to work with machines than with people, worked in technical and IT fields, struggling to fit in, happy to be by myself, special interests/obsessions, a bit OCD, etc. I exhibit many of the signs of ASD (high functioning), what used to be called Asperger's. The masking, pretending, and impostor syndrome is just draining and overwhelming, so I've given up most of it. Over the past ten years I've looked into assessments and diagnosis, but here in Alberta it's all at own cost, unless you're in dire need, so it would cost me upwards of a few thousand dollars for a full work-up. At this point in my life, I don't see any benefits to a positive diagnosis other than confirmation of what I've suspected for a very long time. It's sad and difficult when people just don't "get me" (especially my family, who probably all think I'm just being an asshat on purpose), but I'm fine being the weird old man who keeps to himself.
Be yourself. No one else is 🤗!
Going on 54, just got my diagnosis. This is so relatable. Thank you so much for sharing your thoughts and feelings.
Though not clinically diagnosed I know I have Aspbergers. I finally came to this conclusion around 2005 after extensively investigating autism online. When I read about Aspbergers I started to cry. I was reading about me! In grade school in the 1960's the school had me see shrinks cause they couldn't figure out how I could score so high on aptitude tests but have such mixed grades. While I have had friends, I am most comfortable on my own. I function well at my job but its emotionally exhausting. I frequently just veg at home to recharge my emotional batteries. Ironically I am very good at public speaking but one on one I have to police myself lest I drone on monopolizing the conversation. Those around me who know still don't understand what my condition is all about and think I should seek treatment rather than accept me for who I am!
Now that I am older I don't try as hard to mask me. I am getting to the point of saying take me or leave me.
Thank you so much for your videos. Its great to see I am not alone!
As a 64 year old Aspergian, I can relate to how life changes for us as we get older. I find that I'm getting more outspoken and I'm less concerned about what other people think about me. These changes can make me feel more insecure all at the same time because I'm not sure what is coming next regarding my thoughts and outward behaviors.
74 years here. And I think a similar experience in that I don't give an flying f what people think, I started out that way and might be getting more so in my old age.
I love this video. I’m 57 and discovered Aspergers 6 months ago. I’ve never felt like I fit in no matter how hard I’ve tried. I relate to so much of this. I love being alone, my previous mask was social, it was exhausting. I have a difficult time feeling connected to people, and honestly I don’t want to connect to them. I’d like to find an Aspergers support group that does fun things too. I deeply appreciate everyone on this video. Even if just for a moment I don’t feel so lonely.
I'm 56 and just diagnosed and trying to make sense of all of this. Hearing the stories of folk who have been undiagnosed for so long has really opened the flood gates. I can see back to the catalogue of disasters that I've trailing behind; so many different jobs, moved every few years, no old friends and terrified of loosing the 2 I've now had for a few years, never married, single with teenagers and in the middle of what I see now is a burnout. These videos are a lifeline and give me hope I can make real changes for the future but finding support is so hard. These videos are the most helpful I've found, and I've done a lot of research!
Thank you so much to everyone who took part, I am also a very late diagnosed Autistic, I was 56 when diagnosed, 4 years on I am still working my way though understanding how my life long struggles where not ‘my fault’ it’s good to know, I relate to all these people, there is so much out there for children but nothing for this age group. I live in a sheltered housing complex we have 31 flats. When I started talking about my autism 2 other residents came to me and asked about Autism, because they suspected they too were Autistic, Plus there are at least 2 other that don’t realise as well, it’s a lost generation. We fort our way though life most managed, but the cost was high, both mentally and physically. I dreamt getting any older and especially needing care, because it is not generally recognised that older people may be undiagnosed ASD.
I am 68 and just figuring out my own autism. This conversation is extremely helpful. Thank you! 💜
I am 63 with Autism . I like to be with my dogs and cats.
Diagnosed at 40- ADHD after Menopause 10 years later. SO MANY layers for that. And I know I am not alone. I come to find out the hormones and dealing with these neurodiverse brains. so much feels about this vide0- thank you
Thank to everyone! 72 and a newly self diagnosed. I am so relieved to see you all and realize we are many!
Thank you for this! I am 49 and newly diagnosed. I am so so so relieved! Yet, the more I research and hear, I am truly PISSED! There is no money in autism. No cure. We don't want a cure. The money to be made is with the kids and this is why I believe the focus is on the kids.
Sorry but I'm 64 and if a cure was found I would take it today!
@@debra1363 and then what?
I was born in 1962 (in South West England) and raised by my grandparents in a South Wales coal mining valley from age 10 months. Nobody at that time knew anything about autism, even when I left the valleys in late 1980's. Since finding out (two weeks ago) that I am autistic, I cannot count the number of times, even in my early childhood, that my autism was screaming out to be noticed - but it never was. Over the past ten years, I have been diagnosed and treated for severe depression, social anxiety, panic attacks and the list goes on and on. If only someone had known about autism and tested me for it, as a child, I am 100% certain that my life would have been a complete success, instead of a complete ruin. So, here I am now, aged 61 with two weeks knowledge that I am autistic and suddenly learning about a condition that I have for the first time in my life. I feel thankful that at last I can start getting things right but I am also grieving over all the multitude of things that went wrong out of ignorance and misunderstanding. If only I had known - and if only others had known...!
Thank you all. I will be forwarding this video to my therapist to help her understand what it's like to have gone through so much of life without knowing.
68 this year... self diagnosed last year...I loved working construction, difficult being around people...
"When I'm alone I'm perfectly okay, but as soon as others come in, I feel that I'm different." That's made me cry because way before I started looking into autism for myself, I'd say that "I only feel abnormal when I'm around other people". She is decades older than me but I 100% relate to her with that. And it is tiring, completely. I find spending time around others very draining on my mental and emotional states. As soon as I'm by myself, I can be myself. (And I'm saying all this as someone who only suspects they're autistic; I've never had an assessment but I've done tons of research on it for the past few years.)
You've helped me alot on my journey over this past year and couple months. What started my learning was severe burnout that kept me from holding a job. Heart rate and Bp were always high with no physical triggers aside from constant hyper migraines that also kept me home... had a hard time even leaving my room, a harder time even being in a room of 3 or more... my aunt died in my livingroom the same day I lost that job... sat down and watched a Kyle Hill video about his "Superpower" and it started me down my rabbit hole if you will. But I write with purpose. I had a full on panic/anxiety episode when I found myself swept into a crowd of hundreds at a graduation ceremony in Houston TX. It sent me into flashbacks of almost drowning and I bruised my ribs somehow from clenching myself as I struggled to get somewhere with air almost. My GF actually had to find me and guided me out. I was mortified when I finally came into focus because I was around her family who dont really know me that well (I'm not very open) Composure and masks were, and still are critical for my public, professional and family image. I'm learning how to take those off in order to continue function as a middle aged man. Watching your videos helped immensely in the aftermath and the questions that followed. Thank you kind sir :)
It's giving "I'm not a cat" disclaimer zoom call energy. Adorable, lovable, intelligent, resilient strong, kind, valuable. You are my people. So glad I've found you
Finally, a video on older autistics. I feel it is wonderful that the neurodivergent community has it's voice heard more, but when I approach a few younger autistics with big profiles, they can be invalidating of our experiences, unrelatable. The grief and trauma I have been through in my 54 years, loosing my family as not being understood and also early abuse they did not wish to address, along with not understanding my overwhelm, meltdowns and inability to "show up" for jobs, friends etc, it was a lot to go through at the time and then again after diagnosis. My work saved me a lot, I am a healer and Astrologer and with meditation, self healing and research over 30 years, I feel I have been able to manage myself better and not become overwhelmed. BUT as I get older I find it harder, life is waring and I struggle with relationships, like the lady said, easier not to have any, as finding compassionate people who get it, is a challenge. MY husband doesn't get my autism, he tries but his bad, like really bad memory, leaves me anxious a lot......what am I to do with that ? I cannot afford to be by myself for eg with what I do, it's a lot and I am sure that autistics etc diagnosed earlier will also go through what we have unless the larger systems change and we are considered more and given more support, some of us struggle to work........I do at times, it's just too much & there is no help here in UK
Thank you so much for this. I will be 69 in a couple of months and I've taken the AQ and the Aspie Quiz, both of which showed a strong leaning toward autism, but I don't have a diagnosis.
It is just so validating to know that I am not alone in the struggles I've dealt with for so long without help or support.
Upholding the masks becomes a very heavy burden and the older I get the less energy I have to do that. It would be so wonderful not to have to waste any more precious and waning energy on pretending to be something I'm not.
I really appreciate this video. I am 41, diagnosed with ADHD at age 40, and I suspect that I'm autistic as well. I fell through the cracks I think because I got relatively good grades in school and was quiet most of the time. What folks failed to realize was the dense mental gymnastics going on to try and make myself stick out less/fit in more, and the grinding negative self-talk I've had all of my life. I've lost friends over the years because of my blunt style of communication and unawareness of how I was coming across to other people. People have always read me as angry, and true, there is a lot of anger in me, but even when I would try to make it clear that I wasn't angry about a situation, other people would read that in me. And as I age, I find harder and harder to mask, or to even care to mask, for other people's comfort or to fit in.
Thanks for the video and for your round table for sharing their experiences. It's good to know we are not alone. Most of the people I'm close with these days are neurodivergent in some way. We are drawn to each other because there is a depth of understanding that we get from other neurodivergent people that we don't get from neurotypical people.
57 yesterday. Diagnosed 3 years ago. I understand myself better, but I still hate it.
Hi- Younger Autist here myself, 23, Avery- I wanted to make a comment on something David said at the end of the video. He noted that knowing the things that he is doing differently could allow for him "to do something about it". I think it's important to note that we shouldn't have to change the things that we do that are not neurotypical. I personally have found it interesting to note the things that I do that are "different", and in terms of communication, finding that forms of communication might be different has been important to me, and will usually allow for me to properly convey that there might otherwise be a misunderstanding, but I will not change by creating new masks that fit their expectations of communication. It is an opportunity for someone else to understand my communication style, as I am willing to try to understand theirs. I will also not disregard sensory needs, social batteries, and other such aspects that are part of my functionality to make them feel comfortable with my actions. They are aspects of myself, and if they do not like them, then they do not like me as a person. I would rather not pretend that these things do not bother me for their social benefit. I believe it is highly a topic of discussion in parts of the younger autism community; that we are battling societal viewpoints of the autistic population in order to normalize such things, as we are essentially a minoritized population in the eyes of said society and would be otherwise disregarded.
One of the best things about realizing that I am autistic, even when I was 22, was that I could affirm that I am the way I am for a reason. A reason which has real validity and cannot be argued into vaguity; That the massive amounts of specific experiences I'd lived up until this point were not in my own head alone; And the thing that led that is pride: Pride in a community of other autistics who have felt and experienced the exact same thing; who have shared similar traumas from a society which did not care for them; pride as we stand back up and claim our own space. I would hope that older autistic community knows that they too have every right so to stand up with us in doing so. You all do belong, in the community of other autistic individuals.
I stand with you at age 67. The time for change is NOW! The trauma experienced by older and other autistic adults is unimaginable by Nero-typical. Pride!
Its so amazing how José and I led completely different lives in completely different countries/cultures,and her being much older (im 25) yet what she said 100% resonated with me, it was like i could finish all her sentences. Just goes to show how real of an issue autism is!