I wish the entire world communicated the way you do. I relate to a lot of your practices. I find it challenging to exist in a lot of social settings or relationships because most if not all people I encounter have very debilitated communication skills
Thank you EntyseOnline. Remember, my ultimate goal is to change the global dialogue one conversation at a time--to save us all from swirling down the cosmic communication toilet. :)
I don’t think anyone has ever apologized to me! And when I feel that someone has wronged me, I ask a million times why they did it! So if I ever get an apology with someone telling me why they did that thing, wow!!!! Thank you Dan Oconor!
I always appreciate the lessons that you teach ☺☺ I had a lot of verbal abuse from a parent so your lessons make a difference in how I want to speak to others
I’m a psychotherapist and at times I struggle with boundaries. I mull over ways to help my clients express themselves effectively. I also have in mind situations at my work where our clients are owed an apology but those wounds are outside of my control. So it may either be a wait time or hurts from past therapists. A+ videos by the way, mate. Big fan
Thanks, Ben. If my videos would be of any use to your clients as you help them with expressing themselves or establishing boundaries, I hope you use them liberally. And thanks for the grade; I wish you had been one of my college professors--I could have used at least one A+.
@@TheWizardOfWords in my childhood step #4 was used as a control tactic to micromanage me. Also, conditional love was withdrawn with ‘bad’ behavior. Clearly I had to learn the wrong way to thoroughly learn the right way. Back then saying “l am wrong” was equated with saying “I am unlovable“
Thank you for the advice, Dan. Well done. If only my son would take the advice....I will pass this on to him and we will see how it goes. Apologies aren't supposed to have conditions or negative words about others....
Irrespective of whether someone says sorry, I choose to forgive people for my own peace of mind. However, will keep a distance if possible. However, a Sorry will be good for the other person's peace of mind. And might save the bond. That's my style. Forgive and forget. Grudges turn into illnesses.
However people are too embarrassed to even say the word Sorry. Saying so many sentences will require genuine effort. It's for someone who really means it and trying to save a relationship. Else people keep hurting, say Sorry (or don't say Sorry, especially in families) and then everything is back to normal.
@@TheWizardOfWords Thanks for giving us the words. I've learnt a lot from you. And made a 180 degree change in my life. My whole personality changed since I started watching your videos. And read your books.
I agree 100%! Forgiving what others have done to me is important for my growth. However, I disagree with the "forgive and forget" concept. It is important to remember the injury as an important lesson.
I agree 100%! Forgiving what others have done to me is important for my growth. However, I disagree with the "forgive and forget" concept. It is important to remember the injury as an important lesson.
Dan you said you are atoning because you are atoning. IF that is the case we can atone without ever telling anyone. Our purpose for the apology is to offer the atonement for the sake of relationship salvation it would seem. This video sure offers a lot of rabbit trails! Very interesting.
Hi acoustic: As I see it, the relationship repair is certainly important and hopefully a bi-product of the apology. However, telling the person whom you have offended is part of your own process of atonement also. Acknowledging that you hurt someone is part of atonement, if at all possible-- and IF THAT PERSON IS AVAILABLE rather than far away or even dead. Standing in a room alone saying "I'm sorry and I'll never do it again" is quite different from standing before the offended person and apologizing, together with stating a firm purpose of amendment (thank you Sr. Yvonne for those words). Acoustic, I hope those rabbit trails are different from rabbit holes. You fall screaming down the holes, but walk happily and thoughtfully along the trails. Or at least that's how I like to think about trails vs holes. :)
I was gaslit for a very long time. Sometimes I struggle to know if I'm reverting to "people pleasing" or "fawning/to feel safe" or whether I actually should apologise 🤔 Ps ( edit ) - I need to learn to set healthy boundaries so I can avoid the above happening again. You're fabulous 💕 Thankyou
@@TheWizardOfWords I shall scroll for them. im guessing my original question is tied up with the apologising when it definitely was NOT my bad behaviour
@@TheWizardOfWords I work as a dog groom in a Veterinary Hospital. I educate my clients to pre-book to keep their pups on schedule & coat in good condition. I feel at time I get bullied over the phone because I don't have the date they may want. I stay booked out and provide excellent service. I've been using alot of your communication stills to help be more assertive in my delivery. It's challenging for me to be more direct & get to the point. As you can tell in this response ;) I love my clients but struggle with this frequently.
Hi Dan! iv been watching your videos for a couple of years and they have helped me tremendously! Thanku! I am very sad though. I am estranged from all of my family and they have nothing to do with me. I have reached out to them in the past and got no response. So I don't know what to do?
Angel, you might reach out to each one and tell them you would like to know what you've done to offend them, because you want to make amends. Be sure and add the "I want to make amends" part. See what they respond, and you can then respond accordingly.
Dan you are a sassy business queen and I sincerely appreciate you. Question for you: I have a coworker who constantly interrupts, talks over others, and goes on long-winded tangents while attempting to communicate. What's the best way to approach them about having more concise conversations (and also not telling them to buzz off)? I may have already lost my temper and ended a conversation by speaking over the end of a (timed) 11-minute tangent by saying "Well I don't think we are communicating at all at this point and I have a zillion other things to do so I'm going k bye" and hanging up while on a skype call. . . . Whoops.
Hey Kristine--check out a few other videos. I have a couple on this topic specifically and also on navigational phrases--phrases that you quickly use with long-winded people to navigate off their topic and onto yours--in other words, to shut them up.
Dan, I love your videos. Your communication is full of wit, levity candor and love. Everything can be communicated with love, making others feel valued and forming or strengthening connection. I had someone who never apologized and it caused resentment. I thought this person doesn’t even care enough, or respect me enough, that when confronted to Get honest, humble and real with me. I have a question regarding apologizing I hope you can answer. When does apologizing behave like groveling with no self respect? Yikes!🤮 What if we sincerely apologize but it’s not accepted but instead viewed as weakness? I apologized to an individual sincerely recently. How would you apologize yet keep self respect if say it was not accepted? Another quick question. When hurt or angry, what might someone avoid saying something he or she might later regret?
When you apologize, that is all about you. It is a sign of strength. If it is received as weakness, that is about the other person. Go your own way. Pay it no mind. Whoever cannot accept an apology is not worth one more thought from you.
I am still holding RESENTMENT. Because never did I get an apology (talking bestfriend here) All I needed was "Im sorry for not being their on your wedding day as bridesmaid but I was so upset that you re-homed the cat" This was 16 years ago. I just 'let it go'. But other issues came up and now resentment us sticking to me. DAN..have you got any teachings on resentment. Would love to hear you talk about this. Love yr vids. Greetings from Downunder, Straya!! (Australia, that is.. lol) G'day mate and all that 😃😃
Hi Jodie: One of the best sayings I ever heard about resentment is a simple one: "Holding on to resentment is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die." You resentment hurts you and has no effect at all on your friend. Have you told your friend that her absence from your wedding hurt you? Whenever she does something that causes you pain or heartache or disappointment, do you tell her? If you do, and she doesn't care--I'm not so sure I would want her friendship. If you DON'T tell her--that's on you Jodie. Talking with her might make that resentment dissipate. And if it doesn't, you have to DECIDE to let it go for your sake, because that's who you are. You are a person who doesn't hold grudges or anger because holding those things is a form of poison. For your own sake, remember that your friend's actions are all about her; your response is about you. Respond either with love, and keep the relationship going, or respond with love and give the relationship distance--whichever works for you.
@@TheWizardOfWords Thanks Dan. Such good advice. It absolutely is on me. She's just been who she is all this time. Its all up to me. Im going to leave it alone and live with it..keep working on my feelings and moving forward x
The regifted gift that you already regifted landed right back with you??? Crumbs!!! That made me LOL hard though 😂. This information is certainly better than what I've gotten in the past as an apology, "sorry mate, if that hurt you, l didn't mean it that way (which excuses them from all blame)" and then they immediately go "alright? You forgive me? Still Friends?" 😒.... I've stopped being friends with so many crappy people who crappy apologise.... they used to do a fake apology right after they've "banter insulted" you, with the "only jokin, l didn't mean that for you Tracey...hahaha"😒, what is that? An apology before an apology??! . I used to get that from girls who compared me to ugly things as a teen. Thank goodness l evolved and embraced my introvert self 😊.
When people use the I'm sorry IF... it probably comes from the fact that they don't find their "infraction" to be wrong or something they should have to apologize for. What they mean or are trying to accomplish with the (unmerited/unwarranted) apology is to offer consolation to the person who was unreasonably upset or took something the wrong way. Like saying I'm sorry to a 5 year old because it upset them when they were told they could not have ice cream just before dinner. Its a conundrum because you may want to say you're sorry for someone elses distress, and you feel for them, even though you have boundaries and are not accepting responsibility for their (inappropriate) distress. Like in my example: I'm sorry you are upset because I did not allow you to have ice cream before dinner. If we limit our apologies and expressions of empathy to only those times when we actually are in flagrant violation of something, we widen the emotional divide and relationships disintegrate. Dan, how can you possibly atone for something you have no control over? Say I stepped on your foot and it hurt. When there was no intention, you can feel bad about it but how far do you take it to beat yourself up for such an infraction? It takes maturity on the part of the person who's foot was stepped on for them to realize you had no control over an accident like that and for them to just get over it.
Acoustic, there is never a time when "if" is a good idea. The person is upset whether you actually caused the upset or not. So it makes sense to say "I am sorry that" whether YOU believe you are the perpetrator or not. In re your foot example-- there is no atonement necessary when intent is missing. In that instance you are alleviating hurt, pure and simple. Common sense and context are critical.
How about parents who never recognize or don’t know how to say sorry properly & continue doing the same actions but “it’s your fault” b/c really they don’t want to face the truth.
Learn from the experience, KF, forgive your parents for their failings and NEVER REPEAT THEIR BEHAVIOR because now you've learned from it. So good job, because your job is to learn, not to teach. Your children will be grateful for the experiences you've endured.
@@TheWizardOfWords thanks. I recognize yet there comes a point where my compassion for things has been for far too long. It hurts like hell. I also wish I could have kids. I know I would do my best to stear away from what harmed me and continues to. All I ever wanted, my own little family since I was a little girl. Thanks. I know I have to protect me better. 🙏💜
@@TheWizardOfWords also on trauma informed therapy you would never ever push one to forgiven, radical acceptance yes, forgiveness- no. That can push feelings of shame on the person who was abused repeatedly. Just an FYI. We all learn from each other. Just as I am sure you will agree that you have learned a lot from your clients. 😉
Hi Dan, thanks for this in depth video! I'd like to ask you how would you respond to a jackass "I'm sorry" such as the one you exemplified in the video (in the case I foresee concerns about the relationship getting a walking on eggshells dynamic or coming across as "sensitive")
If the dismissive "I'm sorry" came from a significant other over an important matter, I would be inclined to talk further with that person. I'd probably sit down in a moment of calm, and use the "when you . . . I feel . . . because . . . ." script to tell the person how I felt when I was given short shrift over an important matter. And if doing this makes you come across as sensitive, that's OK. Maybe you are sensitive. The trick is to be as sensitive to the needs of the other as you are to your own needs. If the "I'm sorry" came from someone that is not central to my life--or if it came over a matter that could be easily forgotten, I would let it go entirely.
I am told I am old and slow. I am old. Most of the staff is 30,40 years old. Boss asked me if I wanted to know what people hated most about me even if it made me feel bad. I was slowing down, couldn’t think fast. I need to be removed from access to all the other group texts although he just promoted me to be a part of that community. I was harsh. I talk too much. No one wants to know. Am I trying to do his job? I feel a blanket of numbness over my head and shoulders. If I am not needed, why not fire me? I do t think an apology is in order.
I trauma dumped too much on my discord friend group, and was far far too much of a negaholic. I am currently trying to atone for that but some of those relationships may be gone.
I am waiting for an apology from a family member for saying very hurtful things to me after I have put my life on hold to support this person many times.
Beverly, if you are waiting for an apology from this person, it could be a long wait. For YOUR sake, take a look at Shagufta's comment above. Grudges turn into illnesses. Having said that--have you tried speaking to this person and telling him/her how you feel? That might be a good starting point. However stewing in silence is no solution; the only one that hurts is the person in the stew.
@@TheWizardOfWords Thanks. I read Shagufta’s comment and I can’t count the times I have forgiven this person in the past. I suppose the fact that I forgive and “forget” doesn’t take away the fact that I won’t be the bail-outer I have always been. I have to learn my own life lesson and let this person live their own life and be responsible for the consequences of decisions they make. Sorry for my long winded reply. 😬 I will forgive and move on.
I'm curious, if you're willing to share this because it's really beyond what you're teaching today, if people ever feel intimidated to communicate messages to you knowing you are a savvy communicator? I'm sure if they do, it wouldn't be because of anything you've imposed on them. But I'm curious if it ever happens none the less. This apology is so well thought out. I'd need to step up my game to apologize to you. If you hear an apology, are you able to drown out self talk on the proper way to apologize to hear their apology for what it's worth? You know, 'receiving messages' could be a good video topic too, don't you think? How to receive difficult messages, apologies, sad messages, etc.
Hi Justin. I try very hard to be accepting of people where they are, knowing the LAST thing they need is judgment from me or anyone else. So the answer is NO, no one in my circle of acquaintances would feel intimidated by me. A couple principles influence me in this area. First, I believe we are here to learn lessons, not teach them. I know that sounds counter-intuitive, given my profession. But in general, I believe this to be true. Second, i believe the most effective way we teach human behavior and virtue is through example. So I try to be mindful in my speech, and accepting of the speech of others. AND SOMETIMES I FAIL--MAY TIMES I FAIL. But I try. :)
Can I apologize to someone I never want to speak to again? If I got mad because of something they did, do I just not mention that when I apologize for the things I said or did when I was mad? What if the person thinks my apology is welcoming them back into my life? How can I apologize but still make it clear this isn't a healed relationship?
I'm not sure I follow, Unknown. However, if you never want to see this person again, you might want to start with foregoing the apology (directly to that person) and just quietly resolve (to yourself) never to offend this person again, and also never to see this person again. Would that work for you?
@@TheWizardOfWords That would be great, but I still feel like I owe them an apology. Just because someone owes you more apologies doesn't get you out of an apology you owe them, right? I guess you're thinking apologies are just to fix the relationship, but I'm thinking it's to acknowledge that what I did to you was wrong, and that person should get to know that I know that what I did to them was wrong and that I do feel bad about that. Wouldn't you love to know that someone who wronged you felt sorry about that, even if they still don't want to speak to you?
Actually, I think that it is very important to apologize to someone that you will probably never see again. You should think about what you want your last words to that person to be. My mother used to end every conversation with "I love you." She said that if this is the last time we talk, she wants that to be what I remember. She was right. The last thing she said to me was "no one will ever love you as much as I do." I responded "I know." She died the next day. Her last words have been a constant source of comfort.
If I had such a secret and knew what it was, I'd be telling you. After all, what's the fun of a secret if you can't tell it? That got me in a great deal of trouble when I was young--and overheard my parents' talking :()
Backstory: I have several listings on Facebook Marketplace for winter jackets. The following conversations is an actual interaction between myself and a person on Facebook messenger Buyer: Hello, is this still available? Is it really 800 fill? It doesn’t quite look it to me, but I’m interested in it if it is. Me: the tag says 80% Goose Down I'll try to take more pix . Buyer: Hi, that’s down but that’s not 800 fill! I noticed a lot of your items say 800 fill. Are you aware that this means something very specific? It’s fairly misleading to buyers to put 800 fill on products that you don’t know that’s the case. I’m fairly educated myself on down. That’s 80% insulation, which is okay not great. Me: That's understandable. Aside from correcting my error is there something else I can do to apologize? Buyer: Just stop trying to scam people either by accident or inadvertently into thinking they’re getting higher quality than what you list Me: I offer a full refund on all sales for 7 days I have no right to tell you how to feel about me. I am sorry you feel that way. I guess I will have to accept your faulty perception of me, However your anger is not my responsibility. Buyer: I REPORTING You TO FACEBOOK
Amy, I think you handled the matter masterfully and mindfully. You acknowledged that perhaps you'd have to change the wording attached to your product (and by doing so validated the caller and his/her information). You then asked if there was anything more you could do by way of apology (or atonement). You didn't become angry when the caller switched the topic from your advertising to you personally (referring to scamming people). You calmly told the person you won't take responsibility for his/her anger. You must have realized by then that the caller didn't just want to educate you; the caller wanted to chastise and berate you as well. If the caller was right about how to describe the coats you are selling, I hope you make the changes ASAP. WE ALL MAKE MISTAKES; IT'S NO BIG DEAL. And if FB contacts you, I would tell them that your new wording is a more accurate representation of your jackets. My guess is that will be the end of it. You handled a difficult person as well as you could--certainly as well as I could have handled that person. Hopefully when you fix your description you'll never hear from that person again. :)
I need to apologize to u for accusing you of sleeping with someone. When i was the one who slept with someone else. I actually tried speaking to a few people thinking that's what you wanted. But I was wrong I hope you can forgive me and it won't happen again.
Do a cost/benefit analysis. Do you owe an apology? What are the positive/negativ effects if you give that apology and what are the positive/negative effects if you don't? BTW Unknown--feeling mad or angry is one thing; these are emotions and we are all entitled to them. The question is how did you express that anger? We don't have a right to express it hurtfully. If that is what you did--don't measure your level of anger. Own how you expressed it--and apologize.
@@TheWizardOfWords Uh...I meant my apology would sound like "I'm sorry for speaking abusivily. I did that because you're a complete jerk but that still doesn't make it right for me to speak that way to you. Next time I will try to hold my tongue better (mainly by spending as little time around you as humanly possible). I wish I could make it up to you, but I don't really want to since I still think you're a massive jerk." See the problem now? I'm guessing that wouldn't go over too well. But I still owe the apology so how do I say it?
@The Wizard of Words I like what you taught about speaking with purpose but also with love...listening to understand isn't always easy but it's definitely necessary, thank you so much!
Donut: that’s a bribe Lunch: that’s just a glorified conversation donut… Regift: “I don't trust the guy. I think he regifted, then he degifted, and now he's using an upstairs invite as a springboard to a Superbowl sex romp.” Tl;dr: not a big fan of the gift scene. But plot twist. I love to give them. I love finding perfect things for my perfect people. Mostly because my people always want things that they talk themselves out of getting for themselves. Or they are getting things for themselves that they love and I want to help them get more of that. This disconnect worries me. Edit: I’m not saying that i yuck the yum of a thoughtful gift. I don’t, I appreciate someone giving me something that they know i appreciate. But that’s a far cry from just handing me some random thing in the hopes that it will ingratiate me toward you. If you’re going to do that, may I suggest instead just appreciating me in ways that are more meaningful. Talk to me, be nice to me, respect me. I have a credit card. Kindness and respect are all I need.
Thanks Dan and I send you love.
Love to you as well Sylvia!
Dan
@@TheWizardOfWords you making a new video soon?
I wish the entire world communicated the way you do. I relate to a lot of your practices. I find it challenging to exist in a lot of social settings or relationships because most if not all people I encounter have very debilitated communication skills
Thank you EntyseOnline. Remember, my ultimate goal is to change the global dialogue one conversation at a time--to save us all from swirling down the cosmic communication toilet. :)
I don’t think anyone has ever apologized to me! And when I feel that someone has wronged me, I ask a million times why they did it! So if I ever get an apology with someone telling me why they did that thing, wow!!!! Thank you Dan Oconor!
I always appreciate the lessons that you teach ☺☺ I had a lot of verbal abuse from a parent so your lessons make a difference in how I want to speak to others
Thanks so much Julie and I'm happy to see that your past experiences provided lessons for you going forward.
Also, if I have truly done something that I regret, I have to realize that the person has the right to refuse to accept my apology.
I’m a psychotherapist and at times I struggle with boundaries. I mull over ways to help my clients express themselves effectively. I also have in mind situations at my work where our clients are owed an apology but those wounds are outside of my control. So it may either be a wait time or hurts from past therapists. A+ videos by the way, mate. Big fan
Thanks, Ben. If my videos would be of any use to your clients as you help them with expressing themselves or establishing boundaries, I hope you use them liberally. And thanks for the grade; I wish you had been one of my college professors--I could have used at least one A+.
@@TheWizardOfWords You’re welcome my man. I really look forward to seeing your channel grow! I’ll keep sending them your way!
Now I know the right way and the wrong way to apologize and I Thank You Dan for being a ray of clarifying love in my life !!
Thanks Joyce and I hope you both like and share this video. :)
Dan
@@TheWizardOfWords in my childhood step #4 was used as a control tactic to micromanage me. Also, conditional love was withdrawn with ‘bad’ behavior. Clearly I had to learn the wrong way to thoroughly learn the right way. Back then saying “l am wrong” was equated with saying “I am unlovable“
Thank you for the advice, Dan. Well done. If only my son would take the advice....I will pass this on to him and we will see how it goes. Apologies aren't supposed to have conditions or negative words about others....
Right on, Jennifer. Apologies are a sign of strength and self-confidence; I hope your son believes that.
Thanks Dan.
This is a beautifully powerful message. Thank you.
You are welcome :)
I know I made you feel small and I'm sorry about the way I made you feel. And I understand that I was wrong it will not happen again. ❤️
Quality time combined with touch and laced with sarcasm😁
OK Sherrie, can you elaborate just a little? I'd like to be sure I understand your read.
Great advice
Thank you 🙏
Irrespective of whether someone says sorry, I choose to forgive people for my own peace of mind. However, will keep a distance if possible. However, a Sorry will be good for the other person's peace of mind. And might save the bond. That's my style. Forgive and forget. Grudges turn into illnesses.
Hey Shagufta--Hello and--I totally agree. The idea of "I forgive you but I won't forget" is unhelpful to both parties.
However people are too embarrassed to even say the word Sorry. Saying so many sentences will require genuine effort. It's for someone who really means it and trying to save a relationship. Else people keep hurting, say Sorry (or don't say Sorry, especially in families) and then everything is back to normal.
@@TheWizardOfWords Thanks for giving us the words. I've learnt a lot from you. And made a 180 degree change in my life. My whole personality changed since I started watching your videos. And read your books.
I agree 100%! Forgiving what others have done to me is important for my growth. However, I disagree with the "forgive and forget" concept. It is important to remember the injury as an important lesson.
I agree 100%! Forgiving what others have done to me is important for my growth. However, I disagree with the "forgive and forget" concept. It is important to remember the injury as an important lesson.
Dan you said you are atoning because you are atoning. IF that is the case we can atone without ever telling anyone. Our purpose for the apology is to offer the atonement for the sake of relationship salvation it would seem. This video sure offers a lot of rabbit trails! Very interesting.
Hi acoustic: As I see it, the relationship repair is certainly important and hopefully a bi-product of the apology. However, telling the person whom you have offended is part of your own process of atonement also. Acknowledging that you hurt someone is part of atonement, if at all possible-- and IF THAT PERSON IS AVAILABLE rather than far away or even dead. Standing in a room alone saying "I'm sorry and I'll never do it again" is quite different from standing before the offended person and apologizing, together with stating a firm purpose of amendment (thank you Sr. Yvonne for those words).
Acoustic, I hope those rabbit trails are different from rabbit holes. You fall screaming down the holes, but walk happily and thoughtfully along the trails. Or at least that's how I like to think about trails vs holes. :)
I was gaslit for a very long time. Sometimes I struggle to know if I'm reverting to "people pleasing" or "fawning/to feel safe" or whether I actually should apologise 🤔
Ps ( edit ) - I need to learn to set healthy boundaries so I can avoid the above happening again.
You're fabulous 💕
Thankyou
Pocket Minx, I've done a number of videos on boundaries. Check them out on my channel for sure!
@@TheWizardOfWords
I shall scroll for them.
im guessing my original question is tied up with the apologising when it definitely was NOT my bad behaviour
Straight to the point, that's great.
:)
Thank you, Dan. Good advice and well-presented.
You're welcome, Michael. Stay tuned for more.
Thank you Dan, you are the best ✨
Many thanks N. I hope you like and share these videos.
Your teaching techniques are awesome. Keep up the good work.
Thanks; will do, Alex.
The cosmic toilet!! Omg you are sooooo correct!!!
Another great video Dan.
How to respond to my clients when my schedule is fully booked.
Can you amplify on that, Katherine?
@@TheWizardOfWords I work as a dog groom in a Veterinary Hospital. I educate my clients to pre-book to keep their pups on schedule & coat in good condition. I feel at time I get bullied over the phone because I don't have the date they may want. I stay booked out and provide excellent service. I've been using alot of your communication stills to help be more assertive in my delivery. It's challenging for me to be more direct & get to the point. As you can tell in this response ;) I love my clients but struggle with this frequently.
Hi Dan!
iv been watching your videos for a couple of years and they have helped me tremendously! Thanku!
I am very sad though. I am estranged from all of my family and they have nothing to do with me. I have reached out to them in the past and got no response. So I don't know what to do?
Angel, you might reach out to each one and tell them you would like to know what you've done to offend them, because you want to make amends. Be sure and add the "I want to make amends" part. See what they respond, and you can then respond accordingly.
Very Good Dany, you are the best.
Well thank you, Jorge.
Dan you are a sassy business queen and I sincerely appreciate you. Question for you: I have a coworker who constantly interrupts, talks over others, and goes on long-winded tangents while attempting to communicate. What's the best way to approach them about having more concise conversations (and also not telling them to buzz off)? I may have already lost my temper and ended a conversation by speaking over the end of a (timed) 11-minute tangent by saying "Well I don't think we are communicating at all at this point and I have a zillion other things to do so I'm going k bye" and hanging up while on a skype call. . . . Whoops.
Hey Kristine--check out a few other videos. I have a couple on this topic specifically and also on navigational phrases--phrases that you quickly use with long-winded people to navigate off their topic and onto yours--in other words, to shut them up.
Love this video, and what you do
Thanks Ruth. I hope you like and share.
Dan
Thank you ! 🌺
You’re welcome 😊, Karo.
Dan,
I love your videos. Your communication is full of wit, levity candor and love.
Everything can be communicated with love, making others feel valued and forming or strengthening connection.
I had someone who never apologized and it caused resentment.
I thought this person doesn’t even care enough, or respect me enough, that when confronted to
Get honest, humble and real with me.
I have a question regarding apologizing I hope you can answer.
When does apologizing behave like groveling with no self respect?
Yikes!🤮
What if we sincerely apologize but it’s not accepted but instead viewed as weakness?
I apologized to an individual sincerely recently.
How would you apologize yet keep self respect if say it was not accepted?
Another quick question.
When hurt or angry, what might someone avoid saying something he or she might later regret?
When you apologize, that is all about you. It is a sign of strength. If it is received as weakness, that is about the other person. Go your own way. Pay it no mind. Whoever cannot accept an apology is not worth one more thought from you.
I am still holding RESENTMENT. Because never did I get an apology (talking bestfriend here) All I needed was "Im sorry for not being their on your wedding day as bridesmaid but I was so upset that you re-homed the cat" This was 16 years ago. I just 'let it go'. But other issues came up and now resentment us sticking to me. DAN..have you got any teachings on resentment. Would love to hear you talk about this. Love yr vids. Greetings from Downunder, Straya!! (Australia, that is.. lol) G'day mate and all that 😃😃
Hi Jodie: One of the best sayings I ever heard about resentment is a simple one: "Holding on to resentment is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die." You resentment hurts you and has no effect at all on your friend. Have you told your friend that her absence from your wedding hurt you? Whenever she does something that causes you pain or heartache or disappointment, do you tell her? If you do, and she doesn't care--I'm not so sure I would want her friendship. If you DON'T tell her--that's on you Jodie. Talking with her might make that resentment dissipate. And if it doesn't, you have to DECIDE to let it go for your sake, because that's who you are. You are a person who doesn't hold grudges or anger because holding those things is a form of poison. For your own sake, remember that your friend's actions are all about her; your response is about you. Respond either with love, and keep the relationship going, or respond with love and give the relationship distance--whichever works for you.
@@TheWizardOfWords Thanks Dan. Such good advice. It absolutely is on me. She's just been who she is all this time. Its all up to me. Im going to leave it alone and live with it..keep working on my feelings and moving forward x
Awesome.
Thanks Terri. Now could you clarify--did you mean me or the video? :) :)
The regifted gift that you already regifted landed right back with you??? Crumbs!!! That made me LOL hard though 😂. This information is certainly better than what I've gotten in the past as an apology, "sorry mate, if that hurt you, l didn't mean it that way (which excuses them from all blame)" and then they immediately go "alright? You forgive me? Still Friends?" 😒.... I've stopped being friends with so many crappy people who crappy apologise.... they used to do a fake apology right after they've "banter insulted" you, with the "only jokin, l didn't mean that for you Tracey...hahaha"😒, what is that? An apology before an apology??! . I used to get that from girls who compared me to ugly things as a teen. Thank goodness l evolved and embraced my introvert self 😊.
Your apology at the end started with I'm sorry. 😂
Good catch, Anthony. Just keeping you on your toes. That was a test. You passed. I flunked :(
“I’m sorry you feel that way” has to be one of the worst apologies I’ve ever heard. It means , I’m not sorry at all. That’s your problem, not mine.
When people use the I'm sorry IF... it probably comes from the fact that they don't find their "infraction" to be wrong or something they should have to apologize for. What they mean or are trying to accomplish with the (unmerited/unwarranted) apology is to offer consolation to the person who was unreasonably upset or took something the wrong way. Like saying I'm sorry to a 5 year old because it upset them when they were told they could not have ice cream just before dinner. Its a conundrum because you may want to say you're sorry for someone elses distress, and you feel for them, even though you have boundaries and are not accepting responsibility for their (inappropriate) distress. Like in my example: I'm sorry you are upset because I did not allow you to have ice cream before dinner. If we limit our apologies and expressions of empathy to only those times when we actually are in flagrant violation of something, we widen the emotional divide and relationships disintegrate. Dan, how can you possibly atone for something you have no control over? Say I stepped on your foot and it hurt. When there was no intention, you can feel bad about it but how far do you take it to beat yourself up for such an infraction? It takes maturity on the part of the person who's foot was stepped on for them to realize you had no control over an accident like that and for them to just get over it.
Acoustic, there is never a time when "if" is a good idea. The person is upset whether you actually caused the upset or not. So it makes sense to say "I am sorry that" whether YOU believe you are the perpetrator or not.
In re your foot example-- there is no atonement necessary when intent is missing. In that instance you are alleviating hurt, pure and simple. Common sense and context are critical.
How about parents who never recognize or don’t know how to say sorry properly & continue doing the same actions but “it’s your fault” b/c really they don’t want to face the truth.
Learn from the experience, KF, forgive your parents for their failings and NEVER REPEAT THEIR BEHAVIOR because now you've learned from it. So good job, because your job is to learn, not to teach. Your children will be grateful for the experiences you've endured.
@@TheWizardOfWords thanks. I recognize yet there comes a point where my compassion for things has been for far too long. It hurts like hell. I also wish I could have kids. I know I would do my best to stear away from what harmed me and continues to. All I ever wanted, my own little family since I was a little girl. Thanks. I know I have to protect me better. 🙏💜
@@TheWizardOfWords also on trauma informed therapy you would never ever push one to forgiven, radical acceptance yes, forgiveness- no. That can push feelings of shame on the person who was abused repeatedly. Just an FYI. We all learn from each other. Just as I am sure you will agree that you have learned a lot from your clients. 😉
.. I feel you
@@TheWizardOfWords ..who is gonna teach them then?
Hi Dan, thanks for this in depth video!
I'd like to ask you how would you respond to a jackass "I'm sorry" such as the one you exemplified in the video (in the case I foresee concerns about the relationship getting a walking on eggshells dynamic or coming across as "sensitive")
If the dismissive "I'm sorry" came from a significant other over an important matter, I would be inclined to talk further with that person. I'd probably sit down in a moment of calm, and use the "when you . . . I feel . . . because . . . ." script to tell the person how I felt when I was given short shrift over an important matter. And if doing this makes you come across as sensitive, that's OK. Maybe you are sensitive. The trick is to be as sensitive to the needs of the other as you are to your own needs.
If the "I'm sorry" came from someone that is not central to my life--or if it came over a matter that could be easily forgotten, I would let it go entirely.
I do not accept "jackass" apologies. If they ask why, I explain that I do not believe that the person regrets the action.
I am told I am old and slow. I am old. Most of the staff is 30,40 years old. Boss asked me if I wanted to know what people hated most about me even if it made me feel bad. I was slowing down, couldn’t think fast. I need to be removed from access to all the other group texts although he just promoted me to be a part of that community. I was harsh. I talk too much. No one wants to know. Am I trying to do his job? I feel a blanket of numbness over my head and shoulders. If I am not needed, why not fire me?
I do t think an apology is in order.
I trauma dumped too much on my discord friend group, and was far far too much of a negaholic. I am currently trying to atone for that but some of those relationships may be gone.
I am waiting for an apology from a family member for saying very hurtful things to me after I have put my life on hold to support this person many times.
Beverly, if you are waiting for an apology from this person, it could be a long wait. For YOUR sake, take a look at Shagufta's comment above. Grudges turn into illnesses. Having said that--have you tried speaking to this person and telling him/her how you feel? That might be a good starting point. However stewing in silence is no solution; the only one that hurts is the person in the stew.
@@TheWizardOfWords Thanks. I read Shagufta’s comment and I can’t count the times I have forgiven this person in the past. I suppose the fact that I forgive and “forget” doesn’t take away the fact that I won’t be the bail-outer I have always been. I have to learn my own life lesson and let this person live their own life and be responsible for the consequences of decisions they make.
Sorry for my long winded reply. 😬 I will forgive and move on.
@@bevy33 Hey Beverly--your reply wasn't long-winded; it was thoughtful and I appreciated it.
Dan
I'm curious, if you're willing to share this because it's really beyond what you're teaching today, if people ever feel intimidated to communicate messages to you knowing you are a savvy communicator? I'm sure if they do, it wouldn't be because of anything you've imposed on them. But I'm curious if it ever happens none the less.
This apology is so well thought out. I'd need to step up my game to apologize to you. If you hear an apology, are you able to drown out self talk on the proper way to apologize to hear their apology for what it's worth?
You know, 'receiving messages' could be a good video topic too, don't you think? How to receive difficult messages, apologies, sad messages, etc.
Hi Justin. I try very hard to be accepting of people where they are, knowing the LAST thing they need is judgment from me or anyone else. So the answer is NO, no one in my circle of acquaintances would feel intimidated by me. A couple principles influence me in this area. First, I believe we are here to learn lessons, not teach them. I know that sounds counter-intuitive, given my profession. But in general, I believe this to be true. Second, i believe the most effective way we teach human behavior and virtue is through example. So I try to be mindful in my speech, and accepting of the speech of others. AND SOMETIMES I FAIL--MAY TIMES I FAIL. But I try. :)
@@TheWizardOfWords Thank you for such a thoughtful answer.
Can I apologize to someone I never want to speak to again? If I got mad because of something they did, do I just not mention that when I apologize for the things I said or did when I was mad? What if the person thinks my apology is welcoming them back into my life? How can I apologize but still make it clear this isn't a healed relationship?
I'm not sure I follow, Unknown. However, if you never want to see this person again, you might want to start with foregoing the apology (directly to that person) and just quietly resolve (to yourself) never to offend this person again, and also never to see this person again. Would that work for you?
@@TheWizardOfWords That would be great, but I still feel like I owe them an apology. Just because someone owes you more apologies doesn't get you out of an apology you owe them, right? I guess you're thinking apologies are just to fix the relationship, but I'm thinking it's to acknowledge that what I did to you was wrong, and that person should get to know that I know that what I did to them was wrong and that I do feel bad about that. Wouldn't you love to know that someone who wronged you felt sorry about that, even if they still don't want to speak to you?
Actually, I think that it is very important to apologize to someone that you will probably never see again. You should think about what you want your last words to that person to be.
My mother used to end every conversation with "I love you." She said that if this is the last time we talk, she wants that to be what I remember.
She was right. The last thing she said to me was "no one will ever love you as much as I do." I responded "I know." She died the next day. Her last words have been a constant source of comfort.
Wow your voice is beautiful pls tell the secret.
If I had such a secret and knew what it was, I'd be telling you. After all, what's the fun of a secret if you can't tell it? That got me in a great deal of trouble when I was young--and overheard my parents' talking :()
Backstory: I have several listings on Facebook Marketplace for winter jackets. The following conversations is an actual interaction between myself and a person on Facebook messenger
Buyer: Hello, is this still available? Is it really 800 fill? It doesn’t quite look it to me, but I’m interested in it if it is.
Me: the tag says 80% Goose Down I'll try to take more pix .
Buyer: Hi, that’s down but that’s not 800 fill! I noticed a lot of your items say 800 fill. Are you aware that this means something very specific?
It’s fairly misleading to buyers to put 800 fill on products that you don’t know that’s the case. I’m fairly educated myself on down. That’s 80% insulation, which is okay not great.
Me: That's understandable. Aside from correcting my error is there something else I can do to apologize?
Buyer: Just stop trying to scam people either by accident or inadvertently into thinking they’re getting higher quality than what you list
Me: I offer a full refund on all sales for 7 days
I have no right to tell you how to feel about me. I am sorry you feel that way. I guess I will have to accept your faulty perception of me, However your anger is not my responsibility.
Buyer: I REPORTING You TO FACEBOOK
Amy, I think you handled the matter masterfully and mindfully. You acknowledged that perhaps you'd have to change the wording attached to your product (and by doing so validated the caller and his/her information). You then asked if there was anything more you could do by way of apology (or atonement). You didn't become angry when the caller switched the topic from your advertising to you personally (referring to scamming people). You calmly told the person you won't take responsibility for his/her anger. You must have realized by then that the caller didn't just want to educate you; the caller wanted to chastise and berate you as well.
If the caller was right about how to describe the coats you are selling, I hope you make the changes ASAP. WE ALL MAKE MISTAKES; IT'S NO BIG DEAL. And if FB contacts you, I would tell them that your new wording is a more accurate representation of your jackets. My guess is that will be the end of it. You handled a difficult person as well as you could--certainly as well as I could have handled that person. Hopefully when you fix your description you'll never hear from that person again. :)
I need to apologize to u for accusing you of sleeping with someone. When i was the one who slept with someone else. I actually tried speaking to a few people thinking that's what you wanted. But I was wrong I hope you can forgive me and it won't happen again.
I had a right to get mad, just not That mad. How do you apologize for getting too mad at someone you're still mad at?
Do a cost/benefit analysis. Do you owe an apology? What are the positive/negativ effects if you give that apology and what are the positive/negative effects if you don't? BTW Unknown--feeling mad or angry is one thing; these are emotions and we are all entitled to them. The question is how did you express that anger? We don't have a right to express it hurtfully. If that is what you did--don't measure your level of anger. Own how you expressed it--and apologize.
@@TheWizardOfWords Uh...I meant my apology would sound like "I'm sorry for speaking abusivily. I did that because you're a complete jerk but that still doesn't make it right for me to speak that way to you. Next time I will try to hold my tongue better (mainly by spending as little time around you as humanly possible). I wish I could make it up to you, but I don't really want to since I still think you're a massive jerk." See the problem now? I'm guessing that wouldn't go over too well. But I still owe the apology so how do I say it?
I used to have a job peering meds for 65 and older and special needs medicare. Our line was...I do apologise....
I'm not sure I'm following you, Ronni. Can you elaborate?
A apologize for losing my temper and stooping to your level...
Is that "snide" though?
It is not snide if you mean it, LMW.
@The Wizard of Words I like what you taught about speaking with purpose but also with love...listening to understand isn't always easy but it's definitely necessary, thank you so much!
Donut: that’s a bribe
Lunch: that’s just a glorified conversation donut…
Regift: “I don't trust the guy. I think he regifted, then he degifted, and now he's using an upstairs invite as a springboard to a Superbowl sex romp.”
Tl;dr: not a big fan of the gift scene. But plot twist. I love to give them. I love finding perfect things for my perfect people. Mostly because my people always want things that they talk themselves out of getting for themselves. Or they are getting things for themselves that they love and I want to help them get more of that.
This disconnect worries me.
Edit: I’m not saying that i yuck the yum of a thoughtful gift. I don’t, I appreciate someone giving me something that they know i appreciate.
But that’s a far cry from just handing me some random thing in the hopes that it will ingratiate me toward you.
If you’re going to do that, may I suggest instead just appreciating me in ways that are more meaningful. Talk to me, be nice to me, respect me. I have a credit card. Kindness and respect are all I need.