1) Join my new FSA Education online community for adult survivors on SUBSTACK at familyscapegoathealing.substack.com/. Subscribe for free to receive my FSA-related articles or become a paid subscriber to access Community features where you can engage with other FSA adult survivors via Group Chats and Discussion Threads. 2) Purchase my introductory book on Family Scapegoating Abuse (Rejected, Shamed, and Blamed) via this Universal Buy Link, which includes links to Amazon: books2read.com/intro2fsa.
I'm so glad I found this channel! And I can't wait to read it. I'd already decided to order it, bc it was highly recommended by Heidi Priebe, in her great scapegoat video, & reading some reviews, I heard great things about it. It's the next book I'm ordering. (Once I finish my current read on emotionally immature parents, that I'm working on atm with my therapist)
There are so many you tube channels to choose from on this topic specifically - all good information - but I'm sold on this particular channel. I find the therapist relatable . Easy to listen to and not jarring to watch. Thank you. These are making big headway in my understanding of my own family of origin. NPD + binge drinking family. I left a long time ago . But years later did receive a letter of final discard ment from my mother. As others in diverse you tube videos on this channel have commented, to Rebecca's insight, that the Grief born, and carried , is unlike any other grief: because it's not recognised by society, it does not meet the - grief over a death or Divorce or evidenced physical bruises - it is about Losses of an entire life not having experienced real love and acceptance. I am in my early 60's now and the awakening for me has slowly come over the last 3 years . The lies my family of origin have told about me, with persistent denials, collusion of my divorced parents, and purposeful plan, though occuring randomly, the very few times I did make contact, only by phone, to discredit, mock shame and compare me with other daughters they admire, to de stabilise my mental health, and instill both incredulity and worthlessness, boggles my mind. I will keep listening and gain more understanding - that knowledge for example that these family systems are closed, no new information gets in, no growth and really a great gap in maturity, as Binge Drinkers and alcoholic families learn to evade the real issues - and find someone else to imagine into The Problem - is helpful to be reminded of - this understanding of the broad issues of NPD mums and dads etc, does help to crack open the closed doors, and takes away that deeply personalised pain, over having fallen victim to a full blown belief, that the Sole Problem is really YOU! It takes some ( it has for me ) decades to learn just how to BE in this Life, to learn simple ways, which bring the most contentment and closeness to even just the family Pet - but my own adult child too, and above all with GOD. I needed to seperate out all the NPD attitudes and actions experienced and realise GOD is none of these, and to stop expecting that HE would harm me and not accept me. People say You just are filled with self pity And there has been a lot of that for me, But largely it's that experience of feeling like an open Wound everywhere I have gone. I'm thankful for those therapists who make their knowledge and applications of that available for FREE, thank you thank you!!!!
They never change . I tried going back after no contact several times. Once for nine years. It gets worse like they are trying to make up for lost time 😂
I won’t say they never change but I will say they don’t change unless they’ve had some sort of “come to Jesus” moment that forces them to see themselves for who they are according to their behavior instead of who they are by comparing themselves to those they think are inferior. I keep the door open to my siblings, meaning they may text me or call me, but the moment they fall into their old pattern, something comes up & I “have to go.” I leave them with their behavior. I do not participate. At this point in my life I am too old to carry someone else’s baggage. I treat people as I like to be treated, show kindness to others, & avoid all who try to control or belittle me. I am happy, free & at peace.
this is so well put I do notice people in my life are narcissistic Tendencies are always comparing themselves to people they think are inferior. but they never look at their own behavior and how it affects the people major blind spots major major denial major shame buried inside of them
It's true. 15 years of no contact did nothing to change my narcissistic mother. She actually became haughtier, more defiant, and more of a blameshifting "victim." These people take it right to the grave. They simply refuse to look in the mirror - at themselves.
If you are a scapegoat run away when you can, and never look back, it never gets better, they become even worse. Avoid drugs and alcohol be smart with your money and get into therapy as fast as you can afford it.
I learned this the hard way, they will never hear your side. They will never apologize, they will always be convinced and tell others that they did nothing wrong.
Yes, I do discuss DARVO in other videos here, and my book, Rejected Shamed and Blamed (Dr Jennifer Freyd term): Deny, Attack, Reverse Victim and Offender
You may refer to my work (including qualitative research) on family scapegoating abuse (FSA) via my book (Rejected, Shamed, and Blamed) or my website: scapegoatrecovery.com.
All need to learn about the dysfunctional narcissistic personality type early in life. Took me until I was 60 to define what had been done to me by my abusive family !! My mother, & step father are, were narcissists. I was scapegoated, & physically, emotionally, & mentally abused by them, & abusive step siblings. I am grey rock, & don't have a relationship with any of my brainwashed flying monkey siblings. & my narc. mother has slandered me to all my relatives...I have not been invited to a family function in years. But I now know I'm the "normal " one...because I refused to go along with their cult !! Yeah me...I'm free !! ♡☆♡ LOVE THY SELF !!
I turned 60 recently and have spent much of the last three years learning about this complex subject. I did not do well in school but was a constant reader from a young age. I'm over it now but when I first learned about this un-acknowledged challenge I could only imagine how my life might have been different if I'd known about emotional abuse in family systems ( I have many older siblings) when I was a teen. I'd joined the workforce and befriended well-adjusted, healthy people and met their affectionate and welcoming families. Before that, I'd only read about such things. Your story reminds me that it's never too late to start trusting yourself and leaving that "cancer of the soul" in a safe, far away, place .
I walked away, and went NO CONTACT in the Summer of 2016. I already know they will NEVER change; I was 49 when I left. They had not changed a bit in ALL those years!!! I moved across the country to insure I'll never see them again. I will NEVER allow these awful people back into my life. I've accepted my life as it is. I'll die alone. I'm too old to start a family now. I doubt I'll ever be able to trust anyone ever again. I have forgiven them, for my own peace of mind. But _I am forever DONE with those people!_ As George Washington said, _"It is better to be alone than to be in bad company."_
@@marshallryan886 It's when I accepted the fact they were never going to change. I also had to accept something far WORSE; that people I loved dearly, my mom and half brother, NEVER honestly loved me. If they did, they wouldn't have treated me so badly. The sad fact is, I knew it when I was 14 (1981!) I just couldn't admit it to myself. This threw me into a year-long severe depression. In it, I realized I had to forgive them to release them. I did. My life isn't perfect, but I'm better off without them. Nor will I ever allow them back into my life. When people ask me why, how, etc. I can do that, I tell them it's simple. Place your hand on a hot stove for 49 seconds. Take it off. Let the burn heal. Are you going to place your hand on the hot stove again?🤨 I share my story hoping it helps others break free from their Narcs.
Thanks for sharing your experience. For those reading this who find forgiveness unpalatable, I suggest focusing on 'radical acceptance' - More from my article here: www.scapegoatrecovery.com/2023/11/05/radical-acceptance-and-scapegoat-recovery-the-power-of-accepting-what-is/
@@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse To add regarding forgiveness... You're doing this for you, not them. You don't have to say it to their faces. When the bad memories come to mind, and you're set to rage or tears, forgiveness helps shorten the episode. Speak the words aloud. The first few times, it doesn't help. I admit. But keep doing it. In time, it will make the episode pass without rage or tears either one. I use to get so stressed, I'd make myself physically sick. That doesn't happen now. Holding on to anger, grief, etc. is like drinking poison everyday, and expecting the other person to die. Don't do that to yourself. They aren't worth it. Forgiveness helps you heal.
The fact is they do not love you - they groom your siblings to continue to inflict the same abuse they inflict on you - You cannot, cannot, CANNOT win this game. Winning against a narc is like going into the jungles of Vietnam against the Vietcong. No matter what you throw at them, they have means of surviving & drawing you deeper & deeper into the jungle. You will lose 100% of the time, you cannot, cannot win. If you think you can win, you have lost. The only way to truly win is not to even think of being enticed to step into the jungle.
Thank you. So well said. I wish i had found this channel sooner. The losses sustained in this kind of psychotic system are beyond language. I lost houses kids money health - now i just feel lucky to be alive and grateful to find other survivers, The Law and education must be improved on this insidious absue.
I fear they probably won't ever really be sorry..they might try to hoover you to abuse you more if they're desperate for someone to abuse. Im so sorry. Im in the same boat and am having to make myself face this same hard truth. They hate me and will never be sorry or care that they abused me and used me and treated me as the family rubbish bin. Im just trying to turn to my faith in God and believe that God loves me and I have to try to trust in God and myself
God is good and forgiveness works. Freedom is beautiful. I don't think they even hate us, I think they strictly focus on themselves, and hate would focus on someone else. They will find another scapegoat and forget about us (or use us as a remote blame object).
@@hands-to-work1601 Well said. There are so many misconceptions about narcissistic abuse floating around social media. I hope to address some of these - and live to tell the tale.
Maz, you can live for God OR please your family. There will never be both. There are many verses in the New Testament about this. Clearly, you are not worthy of Christ if you choose someone else. If you look closely enough, you will see your family is putting "the family first". That false narrative will never fit any family. There is the Body of Christ and none other.
After decades of distance, the worst mistake I made was imagining that the family dynamic might've changed. I reconnected and am having to relive the trauma of withdrawal yet again.
I wish I’d realized this was happening to me in real time. I was completely clueless to what was going on. I always thought it was me. This is devastating and freeing at the same time.
THIS is the problem. I'm sorry teens & people in their 20s have to deal with this * at all *-- but at least they have the information in time to make significant changes. Those of us 40+, 50+ -- I see some people in comments sometimes in their 80s -- I'm not going to say "What can they do?" because I'm always in favor of doing SOMETHING when you have knowledge. But the older you are, the more people you have in your family and extended family who will LITERALLY fight you ... and even the best therapist only has so much time, and you only have so many resources to give that therapist, in order to get the support you need to try to repair YEARS of damage; never mind all the things - not just time, but sometimes even money, stolen from you by your parents, when you were a CHILD - that were taken from you by force. Are we never to have the necessary support to get at least a fraction of that all back???
@@amarbyrd2520 for me, that’s where my faith in Jesus, and his supernatural work in me picks up. And picks up the pieces. And restores “what the locusts have eaten.”
They laud their money (and your lack of it) over you for decades, depriving their grandchildren of any generosity and bad-mouth you to their peers as the demon child. I know.
Have you ever walked along a beach, heading west when the sun is setting? Then after a while you decide to turn back and head east? Everything looks totally different. Same place, same beach, but totally different. Thank you Rebecca, it is so valuable when someone helps us turn around and see things from a different perspective.
Even when the malignant narcissist head of the family dies, nothing changes. The rest continue their toxic ways. Don’t waste your life hoping any of them will change. They don’t love you. Worse, they hate you. It’s a bitter pill but you’ll save yourself some pain and time invested in them if you can bravely face that truth. I’m sorry they don’t love you. It’s not your fault. Despite any mistakes you may have made, they have as many or more. It has nothing to do with that. They don’t have the capacity for the love and grace you deserved. ❤
I move on as if they never existed, which was the attitude that began my healing and gave me back my life. I've gone six years no contact, with each year becoming more and more happy. I cast my mother and three sisters into my outer circle, as they daily drift further and further into deep space, leaving my inner circle a paradise. Glad they are gone along with all of their toxicity! Summersault, back flip, cartwheel, half-twist and stick the landing!
That's really inspiring thank you. I walked away from the two that caused my birth in January 2020. That started the snowball rolling. But what I didn't realise was that my sister had his mindset too. I sensed it. Never interested in me, my thoughts, attitudes, values, ethics and opinions and yet she is convinced I am bad. Once she outed her true thoughts and feelings, it was impossible to stay. The patronising, condescending way she wrote, "I want you in my and my family's life. You have to decide if you love us enough and can leave your arguments at the door." i.e you are allowed this slot in the family (entertainment only) and it's because you don't love us if you don't comply. I mean, the audacity. As Thelma said to Louise in the latter stages of their escape from a host of idiots, "Something's crossed over in me. I could never go back". Like her, I have tasted freedom. In the last 8 months I've had to come to terms with the loss of the sister I thought I had and deal with (and ultimately reject to save my sanity) the awful human that has replaced her (her behaviour over this has been shocking). Comparing voicenoted I made back then to where I am now, I've grown so much. Thanks for sharing that 6 years later you are getting happier each year. That makes me hopeful that all the work and pain is worth it xxx
Don’t go back! Take my advice, after years of having no contact and returning “thinking they love me” I’ve been used abused and it ended worse than ever! They convince themselves I deserve abuse. They WILL pay oneday🙏Until then I’m gonna live my beautiful life that I deserve!!
My parents are now old sick and need help with care. I have a no contact lifestyle after years of abuse and trying desperately to work through the family dynamics. They’ve recently asked my partner if we can help them now at the end of their lives so the money they have won’t be spent on their care, but given to certain family members I don’t have contact with as well. A recent box of used dishes as a Christmas gift was given to me, to help sweeten the deal. These are people with extensive resources and I haven’t gotten a gift from them since 1991, which was a “ladies tool set “ that broke within the first month of using it! Everyone else has either passed away or lives out of state so they are desperate. I feel like a terrible person but the answer is no, I need to protect myself. They’re going to have to pay some one to care for them…it’s not going to be me.
Another way to think about it is, if this were an abusive ex spouse one ended contact with for self preservation, would one feel obligated to help that ex in their old age? Would society expect them to? Glad you were able to follow the wisdom of your nervous system.
@@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse I appreciate your comment. As a life long social service worker, my life and work have always been to help people, but I can’t help them. My life and feelings need to be considered, as well. So many times throughout the years, I desperately needed help, at least a bit of love and support from my family; every reason in the world why they couldn’t/ wouldn’t help me. I don’t think they planned well that one day it would be them needing help. I understand how desperate and scary life can be… but I have my own life now, as they’ve taught me just to keep focused on my own life.
Scapegoat I was and left my narcissistic family and went “NO CONTACT!” on everyone I knew in my past!!! I had to start over again to take back control of my life because I figured out that my biological narcissistic family has been running a Smear Campaign against me and that’s why I could never get ahead in life!!!
I was scape goated and I did not adopt the narrative. So I was expelled by the family. Mother attempted to withhold inheritance from my dad and tried to disinherit me. I won a legal settlement. Would I do it again or spare myself all the trouble and go along with the family? The only thing I would change is to call it out earlier but in those days this was not generally known like it is now. As soon as I was aware, there is no way I'm going along with anyone's false reality and delusions.
Once you break away, stay away! Don't trust them! My extended family and friends have heard nothing but bad things about me. They are an irretrievably lost cause. Any contact would give them opportunity to do more damage. If you know things about a narcissist that are bad, they want everyone to hate you.
No truer words ever said. I no longer care what any of them think about me. I just know that one day that people will see I wasn't the problem, they were.
I don't want to hear from them again. I was raised in abuse. Suffered through it and left as soon as I could. They've never been there so I don't need them.
So many people do refused to acknowledge that psychological and emotional abuse exists, so many families have the mindset that if you weren’t getting physically touched whether that be sexually or violently it doesn’t count as abuse
You may want to watch my video that I'm releasing this Saturday. I address the fact that psycho-emotional abuse often goes unacknowledged, invalidating the genuine pain of victims.
My mother was the narcissistic abuser. I was the scapegoat. My mother passed away and I thought the dysfunction would die with her but nope, my father and siblings carried it on. My father passed away and I went no contact. My brother, who I was close to but was one of the golden children, had a heart attack and contacted me and wanted to heal our relationship. Within a matter of months, it started again and I refuse to be pulled back into their dysfunction.
It is terrible isn't it? I think to be good hearted and open and am ready to forgive but they do not understand, so I have to keep my distance. Which I do, otherwise it each time starts over again. I have to protect myself. But I pay with a terrible loneliness. Not knowing how to love how to get love, I just do not know. So I stay alone and life passes very fast. Without much joy. Since the pattern is always lurking: shaming, blaming, rejecting because this sort of people are everywhere and they can feel with whom the can 'play' their games over and over again. I am without defense.I wish I could find inner peace. Take care.
@@dianeandries1331 I'm so sorry. Learning about this has made me hyper sensitive to people who use and scapegoat others. I figured out my good friend for a decade was really just using me. Now I evaluate people for toxicity before I give them access to me. If I'm alone, thats okay, because it's certainly better than wasting my time on toxic people. All the best to you.
@@dianeandries1331hi there, your comment touched me. Maybe you can make a list about all the ways you are loving and lovable. Your family has you convinced that you are not, but you probably are and need to keep reminding yourself.
I bought your book and it was so helpful. I went no contact 7 yrs ago. I live rural and couldn't find a therapist who understood. I kept blaming myself with things like "Maybe if I had drawn clearer boundaries" or "I should have stood up better for myself". I now see that there was nothing I could have done to change things. I am still carrying so much deep sadness. Every night I have dreams I am lost and looking for my purse that is missing. Maybe you could talk about grieving and how to close this chapter and move on.
Yes, I will definitely do several videos on loss and grieving - including disenfranchised grief (which I prefer over 'estrangement grief' - I'll explain in a video). Those types of dreams can really stir it up - I've had them myself.
I was the scapegoat of a narcissistic family headed by a narcisist. I broke contact for a number of years and my biggest mistake was to re-contact them hoping that they had had an epiphany or that I could in some way make things right between us. It made matters worse - such people never change except for the worse.
It is both fascinating and disturbing how nuclear and extended family buy into the ‘consensual trance’ that supports the scapegoat narrative - and the act of scapegoating. I discuss this a bit in my book on FSA (Rejected, Shamed, and Blamed), btw…
Yes they will say "she abandoned her own family"....and the duped people who listen to this lie will never once think to themselves..."Why would anyone abandon their own support system??....maybe something very bad was going on with that family to cause them to do something detrimental to themselves..." No, these closed minded people, usually extended family, aunts, uncles cousins, just swallow the lie and NEVER ask for your side of the story. They just abandon you. Cowards.
I moved 2,500 miles away after putting myself thru nursing school. I became successful without them. The greed of my family is unbelievable. Mom stitched me up on property I own. Having put her on the deed she prevented me from borrowing on it or selling it. The other 3 siblings inherit her half. I own the other half. We will be going to probate court. I'm 71 yr's old now. They want what I have, all of it!
Your story here is a good example of why seeking legal assistance can be critical in such situations, particularly in regard to real estate and inheritance matters. So sorry you are having to go through this and I hope it turns out well for you if you end up in court.
Been there. I fought. Was able to eventually sell my property after being scammed for years and her making millions from it. I walked away. 5 years later, am good.
You know I always felt over the years that I was in a Mafia family. I tried to get my mother to meet with us individually at Christmas and treat us like a grown family and my 2 brothers as seperate families. The abuse was so bad over the 40 years that I would start geting upset and anxious by July 1st every year. NOW, mom is dead ......so I want to live in peace with my wife......wrote an email to say I will no longer be in contact.
ahahah Great post., Yes, i always think of mine as Mafia - its outrageous and we need to speak out publicly about this rather than suffer in silence - they should all be in prison or an insane asylum.
There are many UA-cam videos with similar titles and "What happens when the scapegoat FINALLY walks away" where the speaker invents all kinds of scenarios: the family will fall apart, a new scapegoat will be chosen and all of these feed our need for revenge or remorse or them finally coming to their senses. Look at all the "When the Narcissist realizes what they lost" videos for even more examples. What I appreciate here is that Ms. Mandeville simply says NOTHING will change. After having just attended my mother's funeral and getting so horrifically abused by my brother and sister (who is now threatening to cut me out of the trustee 1/3 payment my mother so carefully prepared with lawyers) it's time to focus on ME. On MY HEALING. They will never change.
Yes, is it not clinically recommended - nor is it trauma-informed - for one to wind up their nervous system further by contemplating / creating / imagining / conjecturing various scenarios that can in fact actually not be accurately predicted, as each family is unique in their construction and dysfunction - it is a myth that this 'always' or 'never' happens. And why, in the end, does this even matter? It is my clinical opinion as an expert in this form of abuse that the focus needs to instead be on understanding what happened to you in your family and how to move forward and HEAL. Regarding the mention of trustee payments: I always encourage seeking legal counsel when I hear of these types of situations, which are actually quite common - it also came up in my FSA research, btw. I have had many people write me back to thank me, as they were vindicated in court. But of course, it is a personal choice and one must feel they are up for it as it can get a bit nasty. However, a savvy attorney can certainly be a good advocate in these situations!
Me too. I found the same thing. They still do blame me for all their bad life choices even though I am no longer around to blame. They turn up every 5 years now & it's the same old BS.
That is the whole point of being appointed the role of scapegoat. You are the dumpster for all their failures, problems, etc. That is why they need a scapegoat because they can't be responsible or wrong for anything. Therefore they need someone to dump all their crap onto and you are that elected dumping ground. The problem starts and ends with them. You know it is not your fault and that is all that matters. They are delusional.
I have just decided enough is enough is enough and I am not contacting my abusive narcissistic family anymore. I wish I had been able to do that many years ago...probably 50 years ago. However, I am doing it now! Because I have been good and generous and kind to family members I thought I could win them. That is a delusion. For them I am the scapegoat and will most likely always be!
Unfortunately, once that 'scapegoat narrative' gets stuck on you, it is very difficult to wash off. Just posted a video on the scapegoat narrative, btw.
Thank you for sharing the TRUTH, and giving a voice to the scapegoat. It hurts so bad that I had to cut my siblings off in addition to the head malignant. But it was necesaary to avoid further retraumitization. They refuse to believe the abuse and targeting, and my sister as the golden child takes it further by aggressive denial, and blame shifting me. It is a cult and psychotic is correct. Thank you so much.
It is similar to a shared psychosis - the shared belief in a distorted reality is that powerful. If you havn'e yet watched my video on sibling estrangement, you may want to, although the focus in that one is more on dysfunctional family dynamics and the Family Projective identification Process versus narcissistic family dynamics.
I walked away 25 years ago. Best thing I ever did. Never go back. Never give them an inch as long as you live. People like this never change. In fact they often get worse as they get older. Done with it all. Never missed them even once!
@@lindamoses3697 Thanks Linda. My wife and I have had such a good life together. Removing the constant negativity of my family was the key to really unlocking how good things could be. Sadly my brother and sister are two of the most disagreeable, argumentative, bitter people I have ever met, and let me tell you, I've met some really mean people in my life. I was responsible for the disbursement of my father's estate, and they were furious over that. Once that task was complete I just quietly left. Thankfully I live in a different community so I don't ever have to see them again. I have focused on my work, my home, my hobbies, my finances, and a network of really great friends who make me raise my expectations of myself. I feel that my quality of life has been very good. I can honestly say I don't have a single memory of a positive experience with either of my siblings. It's like they resented me from the day my mother brought me home from the hospital. Getting rid of them required cutting off my entire family from our lives. No reading obituaries, no Christmas Cards, no correspondence of any kind. So here we are 25 years later and we've had more fun and have more money than we ever dreamt of. Every day is an exercise in gratitude at this house. Thank you for commenting and I hope your life is going great.
You are absolutely right about everything you stated. I have not had anything to do with so called "family" for many years now. Not too ago I had to remove my Facebook account because a couple of them found me and started harassing me and even using bible scriptures to intimidate and bully me into doing what they believe is right for me. They refuse to leave me alone. They even came after my children and have lied causing so much conflict and confusion. As far as I'm concerned they don't exist, and I hope I never see any of them again.
I left in 2017 after my mom died. Im the youngest of 7. They are all a year apart, I'm 8 years younger than the next one up. I grew up with 6 narcissists/sociopaths. I was moms favorite and the family scapegoat. I was born with Asperger's. I acquired moderate Misiphonia when my 18 year old brother stabbed me in the chest twice when i was 9. I didn't figure it all out till 2011. I was born in 1970. I havent spoken to any of them since moms funeral. The peace i have now, after 47 years of abuse from 6 people, and 28 psycologists in 35 years.... Priceless. ❤
Wow, you're experience is so similar to mine. I was born in 1961 to a 17 year old mom and 19 year old narc dad. My brother is 6 years younger and golden. I have been nc since my mom died in 2014. That's when my dad and bro stole my portion of her life insurance. I am SO happy to finally have peace. I will never go back!
They don't care, even when death is the reason for the no-contact. My husband and his sister are the scapegoats. My husband walked away for the most part. However, my sweet sister in law died of cancer three years ago. Her mom didn't shed a single tear. She was the first to attempt to collect from her daughter's estate and despite she couldn't be bothered to show up to the burial - she made sure she was given free funeral food. She has never expressed any remorse - instead she's increased the smear campaign as her daughter is not on earth anymore to defend herself. It was devastating to witness as my sister in law spent her life trying to make her mom happy.
This is heartbreaking - and tragic. Those who say parents "always" love their children are wrong. Particularly if the parent is a malignant narcissist. Even some therapists balk at this idea that a parent could not only not love, but even actively hate, their own child / adult child. Time for everyone to wake up to this form of psycho-emotional, soul-destroying abuse. Thank you for your comment, and I am so sorry you and your husband had to witness this.
First Babies let me say I’m sorry for your loss and secondly I’ve seen this disgusting dynamic to a scapegoat. This person was looked down on and labeled by a toxic narcissistic family. This person got a serious illness, and the scapegoat was suicidal. The “ Christian” loving cousin didn’t take five minutes of her time to connect, reach out or care. How Christ like… Next the narcissistic sister, who was directly involved in causing it vanished and didn’t talk to this scapegoat at all. Even in death these people have an ego construct that is utterly cold, selfish. And can’t extend themselves even with death. Cut these labeling family’s off is my advice. You will always be put down so they can feel superior. They will go after money…. Money counts. Lose them fast,….
@@nicolecarnevale3226 So sad and so true. Unfortunately, too many people use Christ or religious dogma to further abuse those who need real Christ like love and support the most. As a family scapegoat in a exremely religous family, I know that abuse all too well. It took a long time for me to come back to any sort of faith at all considering the spiritual abuse I endured, but ultimately I came to believe that Christ is all too often used as a marketing tool or a way to prop narcissistic people up as their own god. Jesus would flip over all their wicked tables though & He was the ultimate scapegoat ✝
It's hard to admit to yourself what's really going on. You have bought into the family narrative that abuse is caring. It's not. Cut ties and resist efforts to force you back in. They NEED a scapegoat and any promises they make aren't sincere. Stay strong and remind yourself of all the reasons you left.
I DO believe that we CAN recover. I'm 70. I drank copious amount of alcohol for YEARS as a result of familial child abuse. The abuser became powerful. I can't change that person but I DID stop drinking 21 years ago. It's a process. I have meditated for many years. ❤
Good to hear - thank you for sharing! As I like to say to my clients who initially wonder if they really can recover from FSA: "Believe nothing; entertain possibilities."
@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse 😊 Mom would say, "YOU can do anything you put your Mind to 👍 the IMPOSSIBLE takes a LIL LONGER"! So, she had that LIL LONGER part right lol I'm 70 and I'M HEALING. I read everything. #DaVinci. I gravitated to "YOUR TEACHINGS". Really enjoyed, "DR WAYNE DYER" Circa 1986 as well. #Empath but YOU ALREADY KNOW THIS . SMILE.
More power to you! ❤ My brother drank for years to nurse his pain of being scapegoated but finally quit. Growing up as number 9 of 10 children I briefly bought into the behind-the-back jokes about him by older siblings but also defended him. Then I began to notice other things and how my mother treated him and realized they were downright mean spirited on the downlow and couldn't fathom why they were so hostile. The only story I heard about an accusation against him was put right when my oldest brother(Golden Child) came clean before he died and said it was himself that did it. I always knew my brother was innocent and stated that fact when my mother told me the story. I felt everyone else knew the truth too but they perpetuated the lie and ostricism to please my mother (at the time I didn't understand what and why this was the case). Be strong and courageous
Until I became aware of the true nature of Narcissistic family dynamics, I lived in tremendous personal pain, guilt and shame 100% of the time as the family's scapegoat. That particular role within a Narc-family is beyond painful.
Hence my naming this type of abuse 'family scapegoating abuse' (FSA). Because it also happens in dysfunctional family systems where no narcissist is present. In such cases, the scapegoating is driven by the Family Projective Identification Process.
Thank you so much for your work! It's helping me to understand what happened to me as a child, and why it's still going on. My Dad was a violent abuser, mostly of my Mother and me, causing us to flee our home. The family dynamic remains, sans physical violence, but still requiring a scapegoat upon whom to project all the guilt and shame: lucky me! @@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse
@@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse I am very grateful to you for your attention to this sad topic. Narcissism and the deep harm it's done to individuals and families needs to be shared with as many people as possible.
As I watched many family members leave they never returned, visited or called. The narc family doesn't realize anything. They keep going as if you were the problem BUT the problems don't change they get passed on.(Thank you for this video)
The biggest mistake I ever made was moving back close to my family (7 siblings) because one of them apologized and offered me a job at the family company, and I thought things were changing. I missed them and had always wanted to be part of them and it was hard not to get my hopes up. Please, if you are doing better after moving away, DO NOT go back. It’s been a year since I moved away this second time and I’ve healed a lot but it will take time to fully recover. I think I still love my family but unfortunately it has to be at a distance.
Thank you for letting us know, Rachel. It is understandable that one hopes it will be different "this time." It simply shows how much you genuinely care.
Everything changed when my therapist helped me see I am the scapegoat. Explained everything! Now I don’t beg for love. I am centered, grounded. Don’t beg for love! Don’t expect anything from them. Love from a distance.
My dad and my brother get it. Finally. They really see. My sister does not. I asked my dad why my sister didn't want to believe me and he said, "your sister is just like your mom, and they ADORE each other. You're not going to get through to your sister. I'm here and so is your brother, and we're behind you." My dad fully understands why I need serious new boundaries with my mom. He says it hurts him to hear it because he doesn't want to believe it, but that he CAN see it and he knows it is true.
Sounds like your Dad is the enabler? I understand that the enabler can be considered just as abusive, if not more than the narc parent for modelling & entrenching in their children that love is abuse & abuse is love? Staying in a marriage where they too are being abused but deny, gaslight themselves & make up excuses for the narcs behavior. Sounds like your Dad is still with your narc Mom? I had this situation but in reverse~Mom was the enabler. When Dad passed, Mom continued to enable abuse of my children & I from my nex (narc ex). Generational cycles repeat unless WE break them! I’m out~I live in peace & freedom now! Worth all the pain for this inner joy of living with truth, authenticity & “a gentle life” 🌺
Yes. I keep reminding myself that there are 8 billion people in the world so if my nuclear family hate me, it doesn't amount to much. If they do. a smear campaign, their reach is not that great in the overall scope of things.
Sad but true. I'm finally unraveling the complex dishonesty and abuse that I've blamed myself for my entire life, and the losses are massive. I was hoping for more good news, but am willing to optimize what I have left: a great relationship with my daughter and granddaughter. Maybe I'll get a dog. Thanks for the great content!
Appreciate it. How wonderful that you relationships with your daughter and granddaughter were not tainted by scapegoating dynamics. And speaking of possibly getting a dog, perhaps you remember this: ua-cam.com/video/hqmRF32xKQo/v-deo.htmlsi=tOiSQNjMZZALXeMQ
I am the scapegoat from a dreadful, dysfunctional family. My father was a catholic narcissist and organized my mother and sisters against me. I was subjected to physical violence from him and as soon as I finished school, left home and took a Government job and enrolled in Law School, attending classes in the evening. My parents divorced within a year of my departure. At 21, I was a big, strong man and late one evening went to my father's flat and knocked on the door. He opened the door and I severally broke his nose with a series of punches, leaving him noticeable disfigured for the remainder of his life. Both parents are dead now, and I have no contact with my sisters. Anyway, I have lived in Europe since graduation and am a multi-jurisdictional lawyer. That's life, as some say.
I have had clients tell me the things they would like to do upon the grave of their malignant narcissist, sociopathic parent. The 'righteous rage' and profound sense of injustice with no reparative experience can be understandably intense.
@@christar9527 He was an ex-amateur boxer, and it's only in recent times I realized his poor grasp of reality. It wasn't merely delusional. He had his own unreality which he believed to be reality, aggressively and sometimes violently imposing it on others. He was a shocking man and so mentally ill, but I survived. I realized it.
I went back after no contact with family for 3 years and got chewed up and spat out rolled under a bus and kicked while I was down .. been 18 months now being nothing to nobody and starting to heal .. I was nearly dead when I left this time .. no surrender ever again!
I found your channel this evening, started watching your videos, and then started emotional eating, something I never do, but kept watching your videos. This is exactly what I’ve been seeking at this point in my life, someone like you, to point out and to educate me about what has been going on all my life with my family, what has kept me back from thriving no matter how hard I try. My happiness thwarted. Always in need validation validation never trusting myself. Always feeling less than. Thank you so much for these videos and your blog and the hard work that you have done to hopefully free some of us, so that we may live, free with some happiness.
Narcissistic abusive families never change. I was the scapegoat in my family and as soon as I left I imagine my narcissistic mother picked one of my golden child brother's two kids as her next target. The cycle repeats and will never stop.
Narcissistic mother, sister, and raised in a cult. I walked away from all but went back a few times. I can tell my mom is trying but she’s already stirred the pot to cause drama so I’m reconsidering. I think after watching this it’s best to walk away and enjoy whatever parts of my life I have left to enjoy.
No never, ever, ever, ever will any enlightened thought enter their brains that their behavior was in any way wrong. They double, triple, quadruple down in a rage of a how-dare-you fest of payback. My “only child” sister (😂) posted an absolutely insane obituary of my mother that I discovered a year or two after her death, describing growing up in a fantasy life similar to the 50’s & 60’s tv shows (think Ozzie & Harriet, The Donna Reed Show) where she was the only child and our parents were happy in love and our flaming witch mother was our father’s guiding light and love. It was so poorly written that I asked my ex-hubs if he thought a child had written it, he studied it & believed it was my sisters work….they both received PhD’s at the same Uni w/in months of each other, my sister went on to Harvard to post-doc….she isn’t stupid, just can’t control her emotions, and manipulative. The truth of our parent’s marriage was that mother was a raging, violent, sadistic, alcoholic lunatic who I suspect was a malignant narcissist. Our father was a raging alcoholic and I believe narcissist who took his rage out in beating the cr*p out of me after their drunken fights, while she looked on in, er, “excitement”. My sister was the golden child who could do no wrong and no lie was too big or bizarre to be believed. While my position was the family garbage can to be dumped on, kicked, etc. Both parents were fully employed, mother was an Rn, and father owned an extremely successful business. Years of therapy have been a godsend in understanding that it had nothing to do with me, it was always about them. Thanks Sandy for your therapy and sending me on the right path. ❤
I can relate. When mum was still alive and my nephew was 2 my sister sat at our family dining room table and said "mom never hit us". Man was my blood starting to boil. But mom chimed in ",of yes I did in fact if I did that in this day and age I would be in jail" my sister wanted to whitewash history as her son was the age she was being triggered by her abuse history and she needed to deny it. Father had passed in suddenly he protected us from moms rages. I was glad Mom acknowledged her role in physical abuse. She never broke a bone but we were punched kicked backhanded pinched etc until we could fight back enough for her to quit the brutal unfair heavy handed corporal punishment which often came out of nowhere. I had a hard time saying no to anyone until I went to therapy in my late twenties. Saying no to mother would exact a very painful price. But I get the insane whitewash. In some respects your sister is trying to appear respectable to people in town writing that it might be a form of "I am better than you I had the perfect childhood," very egomaniacal insecure act.
I left my family of origin when I was 31 years old. I went no contact about two years later before it was a thing. I had to figure it out for myself. When my mother got sick with cancer, I went to visit. She told me I caused her to get cancer. She did not know, nor did she care that I had a life I loved in contrast to the misery she had told me to expect. She wanted my total devotion to her life. She told me she wanted me to be her mother. I could not do that. When she was terminal, I was asked to give up my life and go home to care for her because I was the daughter. I was guided to say no. I felt guilty. It had an impact on my life. I struggled with trauma issues without knowing what they were. I was fortunate to find out when I was 72 years old and since then I have been learning about and working on trauma issues but have not had a therapist which I think is an issue. I will now be 80 in a few weeks, an age I never expected to experience. I have been studying Ancestral trauma and collective trauma. It gave me a new perspective on my family. My first thought when I learned about you yesterday was to tell my trauma coach. Then I looked at and bought your book and learned that my trauma coach wrote the Forward. The Universe has a hand in everything in my life. I am grateful.
I so hope you now are vindicated that you did by far the best thing. How wonderful to have the experience of living a life you loved. So different to pouring yourself into a bottomless pit, and then after being totally spent to be told you just made things worse. You are an inspiration.
I totally empathise with your trauma. My experience was simillar. When I finally drifted away I was head on confronted by my Narc mother about her being there to hold her own mothers hand when died. She literally turned up on my doorstep. Barged her way in and came straight out with it. I was so confused because I was still trying to figure it all out. Shortly after, I google 'why is my mother such a bitch' and about a million sites popped up screaming NPD. It was like reading ghe story of my family. Narc parents. Golden child and scapegoat. So I then realised my mother's sudden outburst was yet another one of her guilt tripping tactics. I don't think she actually was with her mother. There was nobody else there and my mother tells lots of stories about how good she is and how she is always the victim. Funny how I only ever saw her being a total bully to everyone, especially me as her chosen scapegoat. Anyway, up until I walked away, my husband and I had always been the ones my parents called in a medical emergency. And this had been the case for years. We were called out morning, noon and night to just about every hospital in London for over 10+ years. There was never a thank you. I was always given an envelope of cash and told that my sister would have done it. Then there would be a literny of praise my sister and her husband and children. But I was so used to being subtly abused this way that it took me years to realise that I was doing the work but my GC sister was getting the praise!!! I was literally getting a pay off, like I was an outside agency. So, when my narc mother turned up to guilt trip me over possibly not being there to hold her hand when she dies, it was just more of the same. In retrospect, I should have just said, well I'm sure my sister will be there for you (not a chance! Psychopaths hate being around sick or dying people, right!). Anyway, no, I won't go near that creature again, dead or alive. She is already dead to me 🤷🏻♀️
I was the black sheep in my family. As you say, they all had to get in the at to keep peace with my father. The tragedy is, I attract narcissists to this day. How can I change that? I am very serious about not having anyone in my life who puts me down, It’s caused a massive extinction of those around me. I am alone. I’m amazed by people who think they can treat me this way.
It starts with awareness: Of narcissistic abuse; family scapegoating abuse; scapegoat trauma and its effects (the purpose of this channel and my book, 'Rejected, Shamed, and Blamed') and understanding and addressing resulting symptoms of complex trauma.
By coincidence I was able to listen to three testimonies of former Scientologists - each was word for word my experience of my narcisstic family cult system
This is so true. I just went no contact with the last living narcissist in my family (my older sister) and even the people who I thought supported me are rejecting me now. Acceptance by the people who support her has become more important to them than standing up for truth. It’s devastating.
Some people hold to a sense of sacrificial selflessness. The ugly truth of it all still takes years to see. When people learn to lie and to cover lies by supporting the narrative, then i do not believe they will ever figure it out and start living outside the psychosis. Of course, suffering sometimes changes the arithmetic, but not often.
Sacrifices are ALWAYS BAD! You literally MEANT to BE READY to certain stuff that you need or want to do Therefor sacrificing would only mean that you are rushed into or forced into something which is ALWAYS END UP doing THE OPPOSITE as anyone would meant it to be It is just NOT MEAN TO BE!
Yes, don't be fooled by a sibling going through a hard time who calls you up for your support because you are the only one in the family who understands their plight. It is a farse! This just happened to me last summer. A sister called me up because her first-born child was born at the tail end of the second trimester and had had enough complications that she and her husband were considering taking the baby off life support. She called me because I had lost my first child unexpectedly at 20 weeks over a decade earlier. We had a couple long, heartfelt discussions and even talked about the stress that our family of origin still has on our bodies during pregnancy. She even acknowledged how awfully i was treated by our mom and another sister. I had some hope that maybe things could start to heal. Boy was i wrong! What ended up happening was that they decided to take the baby off life support. She was devastated and said she didn't want to talk to anyone else in the family about it; didn't even plan on going to our sibling's wedding in six weeks. I sure as heck wasn't going to our sibling's wedding, myself, so I supported her decision. Fast-forward 3 months and I get a call from my narc mom asking if i had heard that sister's sad news. I said, why would I? Well, come to find out, that sister DID go to our sibling's wedding. She ended up getting pregnant naturally (previous time was IVF) at that time, as well as our newlywed sibling. However, when she went to the doctor to have an ultrasound, there was no heartbeat. Oh, just how sad that was for her. Hmmmm, how interesting. I had just messaged that sister a few weeks prior and she never said a word about it to me. Never have i felt so used or betrayed. I now have a very good idea of what happened at that wedding. I am sure there was some kind of sibling reunion that weekend, whether it was just some or all of our other five siblings, and it just wouldn't surprise me if some of the intimate conversations I had with that sister came out and some of them convinced her to ghost me. This very kind of thing had happened before; how could I be so stupid?? This instance did make it very clear to me that my narc family will NEVER stop finding ways to hurt me. The sick thing is that they think it is normal and healthy. I am just SO THANKFUL that I at least had the wherewithal to follow my gut and be fiercely protective of my children from my parents and siblings. My children did get to interact with my parents enough and some of their cousins to know why we don't visit with them. My children are learning about narcissism, too, and other ways people can take advantage of them in today's world because evil has no boundaries.
What a painful and heartbreaking story. You are wise to educate your children early regarding family scapegoating patterns. I mention this in the first minute of this video here, in fact, if you are interested: ua-cam.com/video/-DBJonlk0Co/v-deo.html
Kudos for teaching your children, the younger generations need to know that there are people out there who have no empathy, etc. I gave my evil mother many chances. One visit, she looked at me and said that my daughter was satan's child. I saw her black eyes, the demon in her speaking out. Never said anything else to her, cut them all off after that (I have 10 living siblings and most are married with kids...) and never will. My dad supports her. I put up with her rejection and abuse for 50 years... but for a "grandma" to curse an innocent child like that... I am simply DONE. Dont need to know more, and I don;t need to listen to demons speaking through these 'people' who have shown that they serve evil even tho they profess to know and love God. Hypocrites are the worst kind, and evil loves to work through people like this. recently they have been trying to HOOVER me again... an email my dad send was all caps: FINERAL ARRANGEMENTS FOR MOM AND DAD. I deleted, blocked, let the dead bury the dead. (It has been 2 months and there is no obituaries. Just more witchcraft manipulation to try to reel me back in...they are wealthy. I'd rather stay poor than be near them one more moment. I wish I had stayed no contact years ago, but society and church and everyone pressures scapegoats...gaslights them because they have not been so abused...oh but its your mom or cousin or grandma or... so what? If they harbor demons, why would I want to be near them? Please don't let it take 50 years for any out there who wonder about no contact... took me that long to realize they dont change and THEY ONLY GET WORSE. Peace is away from evil!! best to you all
I could not agree more. Many years ago I went no contact. Several years after that I had no choice but to communicate with my biological mother due to a legal issue. She was extremely nice to me initially. I was young and didn't know anything about narcissism and dysfunctional family systems. So erroneously I believed that she had a change of heart. She didn't. After a brief period of being nice to me she resumed becoming disrespectful and cruel. The funny part was that she all of sudden and out of the blue began to talk about that she and her other half were thinking about "taking me back". I didn't give her any indication that I wanted to come back or was even interested in it. Back then it filled me with dread to even think about going back there. Thinking about this episode today makes chuckle sometimes. I think it gives you an insight in their mindset. They are incapable of being honest with you. Everything is about manipulating you. They literally don't understand that you are an independent person. At the heart of their dysfunction lies the belief that they are the greatest and the best. They know everything. You couldn't possibly be as great and all knowing as they are. So in order to bestow you with their all knowing wisdom they believe that they have to push their way on you and if you don't want to go along with it well then it's an all out war. So typically I believe based on my own experience the SG is typically the one who threatens this family system. In short, family members in these systems have a very maladaptive way of looking at this world and consequently at their own children. You're an image in their head. They don't see what they're doing to you as abuse. In their mind you're a defective person and you need correcting. It's all done "for you're own good". They're only "abusing" you to teach you lesson so that you become a better person. They would have to really go through an catastrophic event that would shatter their entire world views before they feel the need to adapt their thinking. And quite frankly they probably resort to alcohol or drugs or some other numbing method before they change their mindset. After my brief contact I resumed going "no contact". It's very sad and unfortunate but they are not really your family in the sense of having a family. They will never support or love you. It's not because you're not lovable or a "bad person". It's because they are incapable of loving or supporting one. In their own mind they don't want to except that or understand that about themselves therefore you have to be the "bad guy". And really you're not doing them a favor or helping them by continuing to play the SG for them. You're only enabling them to continue with their maladaptive ways.
Well said. It is critical that one understand that family scapegoating is a SYSTEMIC issue - whether the family is 'dysfunctional' and traumatized (including intergenerational trauma, as discussed in my book 'Rejected, Shamed, and Blamed') and/or dominated by a narcissist. Thank you for sharing your insights and experience with FSA. Glad you saw your way through to the light.
Spouses family totally scapegoat him. We’ve been no contact for more than 10 years. We’ve gotten in touch due to an estate that needs to be distributed. It’s amazing how angry everyone is towards my spouse, able to lie about him, blame him. In the mean time another family member is saying - why can’t we all just get together and talk? Can’t we all get along. Along side the lies and blame. It’s amazing to see it. It’s sort of like a cult.
No. Never. These "people" have a seared conscious, operate on ego alone (no use of higher executive function or critical thinking). So they truly arent human if they dont exhibit any human traits sich as genuine empathy or compassion. The interesting thing is most who have been scapegoated in these family systems are highly sensitive people (empaths) who see dysfunction, call it out and reject it. Rather than learn and grow, the abuser scapegoats the truth teller/chain breaker because the abuse has been normalized. Reminds me of a scripture about having a seared conscious and being given over to a reprobate mind and people loving darkness rather than light. It is a spiritual battle for all those who have been affected by narcissist sbuse. Jesus was the first scapegoat. Binds and agreements with these type of people is a bind of the enemy who seeks to kill and destroy. There is freedom in loosing the binds of the enemy and retaining your soul. And your soul is the composite of your mind, your will and your emotions.
Because I have worked with such people clinically, I would say that they are indeed human, but very damaged humans due to their own deep (unconscious/repressed) trauma(s). Others I have worked with presented with a type of 'soullessness' that would fall clinically into the area of sociopathy / malignant narcissism. As Gertrude Stein once said, "There is no 'there' there.". Regardless, this does not excuse the behaviors or the harms done.
@@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse Yes, I agree but my viewpoint comes from personal experience dealing with covert, malignant narcissists and I now apply spiritual truth to the matter as opposed to just the body and mind. But I thank you for your comment.
I am a scapegoat survivor of an evil woman who has damaged me and my relationships around me. I can never forgive her and her evil victimhood has caused me extensive suffering with the others following her like spineless sheep most of whom benefit from me being ousted. She is a disgrace to the word mother and her evil lies, manipulation and abuse haunt me to this day as I am no contact for 17 years when she got me out beating me up threatening to call the police and chucking me out of the house and forbidding her husband who is supposed to be the other parent of having anything to do with me. I am still broken hearted traumatized 17 years later. I find your channel a huge comfort and was wondering if I can ask you a couple of questions by email rather than over here ? Many thanks for all that you do. Sam.
@Rebecca C. Mandeville LMFT - Scapegoat Recovery Good evening , Ms Mandeville, hope you are feeling better. I don't seem to be able to see an email address for you ? Thanks, Sam
Yes, this is exactly right!!! My mother was the narcissist in the family and my brothers followed her like she was a god. They believed and still do today that I am strange and unworthy of respect and kindness. I am over 70 years old and my family courted my husband to elevate him as special while continuing to treat me badly. My husband didn't see how they are for years and thought something was wrong with me because I was pointing out things he chose not to notice. I had to limit our contact with family and thankfully God took us thousands of miles away because of my husband's job, it allowed me to keep them out of my life. After more than 50 years of marriage, my husband sort of believes me but really doesn't understand because he is treated well by them. Now in our elder years I work at keeping our distance from the family as much as possible.
Yes, this can be so very frustrating, when one's life partner / spouse doesn't quite 'get it' (and most people won't ever fully get it unless they've been scapegoated by family themselves). If he is willing to read my book or take a look at a video or two here, that sometimes helps. Linking you to a list of resources I put together for FSA adult survivors; my book is also listed there: www.scapegoatrecovery.com/updated-fsa-recovery-resources-2023/
Yes, He has watched a couple of videos and has understood somewhat but it is head knowledge more than gut-wisdom because he has never experienced ill treatment himself. As the golden child of his own family he has had very few encounters with nasty people who treat hm badly. Because of this he doesn't always recognize it unless it is blatant.
This has happened to me, as well, especially with one of my brothers. This brother has repeatedly texted, called, and chatted with my husband, while giving me the silent treatment. My husband was a bit bewildered by it, but took it at face value, and while my brother wasn't able to turn my husband against me (we have a solid relationship), he did succeed in convincing my husband that he's a decent guy. Both brothers are pros at subtly demeaning me while in the same room with, and being respectful and charming to my husband. My husband has had very little experience with this sort of behavior so, of course he doesn't get it, and it's similar with almost all of my friends. We are often so alone in this madness.
Very good video. Explained in a calm rational manner. My mother is a violent malignant narcissist and my father a codependent alcoholic. My siblings bought into the cult and are fully embedded because my mother buys their affections with gifts (bribes). Took a while to break free, grieve and heal the loss of all my family of origin. 10 years now no contact and feeling good. I can finally be myself.
They have recruited everyone including people out side the family to believe that i’m the bad one the troublemaker 😂. The more people they recruit the more people i block and the more peace i’ have . Freeing my head from their beliefs has lead me to develop my self and discover my real me. It might feel lonely sometimes but it’s worth the price. Going no contact with your narcissist family is the best you can do for your self. Family is just people that you share blood with. You can find people in the world that can play a more important role in your life more than those you share blood with. If your family is putting you down, don’t respect you, don’t care about your feelings, blame you for everything that is wrong, don’t consider your opinions and don’t involve you in family matters please run as far as you can from them.
Thank you for taking the time to share your experience of going no contact with us here. Linking you to my resource list for FSA survivors here for further education and support: familyscapegoathealing.substack.com/p/resources
The more they recruit the more I block. A very lonely road, BUT, it has sifted who we can have as a mutually respectful, civil and dignified journey through life with. I choose team healthy. Thank you Rebecca and Dr. Les Carter. I went on NAASCA podcast under Kristin Melissa and told my story and referenced your book, Rebecca. What a life changer your work has been for me and my husband.
I’m the scapegoat mother. After leaving my narcissistic ex, he managed to convince my 2 children his treatment of me was fine. I’ve been abused verbally and emotionally by all three. Every aspect of a cult lead by my ex husband. I’ll always miss my children when they were young. 💔
For the sake of your own sanity, you need to be careful not to wish misfortune on others. I was supposed to be the family failure, but the reality is that I was the eldest child who went through most of life's milestones first. So, I got married, had my first child, got divorced before each of my siblings. It's life outside the dysfunctional family that has a greater impact on people's world view. That's beyond the control of the narcissist. So, when one of my children was misbehaving at school, or expermenting with substances in teenage years, the family would attribute that to my incompetent parenting. When my siblings have their turn at going through this, "the narrative" is that they can't possibly be responsible. When my child graduates from University with a 1st class degree, nothing is said. It's the real world that breaks down narcissistic fantasy. If you have been scapegoated, there's nothing that you need to do except sit back and watch.
I knew that they’d never realize the abject pain I was in. I was living in a chronic state of shock and terror and I was all alone. It wasn’t just the family of origin that picked me as their favorite target. I got it everywhere. I’m trying to do my best to overcome the damage but I must say that I’ll be happy to leave this world.
The process of regrouping and recovering and rebuilding (a life with 'chosen family') can be so very daunting and exhausting. Most FSA adult survivors I work with have felt like this at one time or another - I know I certainly have. It's not just families that scapegoat - it can come from many different directions, kind of like that carnival game 'Whack-a-Mole'.
@@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse The thing is the family I got in with was equally as horrible as my own family. I’m 63 and regretting that I’m with the person that I’m with. He just pulled another of his old ‘stunts ‘. All of my efforts to make a better life always fail so I just resigned myself to sitting in my little room until I die. It’s hopeless.
I hear you. I've had my moments too, and it is so excruciatingly painful. But it never fails for me that the target of the worst of human b.s. is some sort of gem, an untarnishable, undamageable gem. So, that's you and most of us here. Please take care of yourself in whatever ways you can access/connect with right now! You are needed, loved, and deserving of all good things.
This is absolutely true, everything you say I have experienced as a scapegoat. These narcs attempted to turn my own husband against me by making me look crazy, and it almost worked. Thankfully he sees it now for what it was but it took many years for him to get it. We have been married over 50 years now and those narcs are out of our lives forever. Two of them had to die to break the bond between the leader and themselves. I believe is someone has had a heart change and realizes how much they disrespected you, they would contact you with an attitude of repentance. Narcissists have support systems that keep them thinking the same way they have always thought. Letting go of those people to do what is right is too frightening for a narcissist. I was raised with narcissists, both parents were strongly this way and I was the target. Our parents taught my brothers something was wrong with me and they poked at me all the time every day.
I’ve been going no contact with my family for almost a year now, I’m still suffering the loss of the relationships I hoped we could have. I know no contact is my only option to live a healthy life but what about their innocent children…I love and miss my niece and nephews but I struggle with breaking no contact it opens the door right back up to their manipulation tactics.
..You are not. That person is bad, not the person you would ever want to be around and you should be happy about leave them! Please seek help, you are still under manipulation!
@@tnt01 True. They have already turned the nieces and nephews against them, depending on their age. By the time they are 10-12 they will be turned against the family Scapegoat.
I hear you. I probably won’t see a niece and some nephews again but if it means my own children are safe, my sanity and health and physical safety is not compromised- then that’s just the way it is. Maybe one day the grandchildren will see their mother/Aunt is an abusive perversely cruel deceitful lying thieving domestic viol perpetrator like one of her brothers and like her father - but I have no control over that. But I do have control in preventing these psychos from trying to inflict more trauma on myself and most importantly prevent one psycho in particular once again trying to start on my kids.
Great video, I literally have texts that prove everything said here. I do take some responsibility as I was co-dependent to it all until I got educated on what was going on !
Codependent, or possibly experiencing the 'fawn' (complex) trauma response. I discuss this in my book on FSA, 'Rejected, Shamed, and Blamed'. It is a survival strategy, even if not conscious.
I walked into the danger. I visited when my mother got cancer. My reward was she accused me of causing it. I did not have contact with her again. I felt guilty. I was a bad daughter. But I was living my own life and healing.
Sounds like my mother. My mother and her husband always blame one of my siblings or me, for them wanting to get divorced. It’s never her fault. My mother even blames my siblings and me for her getting married to our dad and having children. Also that is not her fault. 🙈 Don’t let your mother make you think it was your fault! These narcissist mothers are monsters.
Clarity and awareness indeed allows us to have more choices in regard to self-preservation, self-care, and discerning what will serve us at the HIGHEST level in regard to our overall well-being.
I found myself having to excaoe from a nine yr entanglement with a huge milignant narc and through therapy I came to realize that my parents are narc as well it's soo hurtful
Whoa - ain't that the truth about what happens when a scapegoat uses the word "abuse"! In a split second I was identified in the false narrative as the actual abuser - no need for anyone to be able to identify a single example and so easy to forget every last kind and generous act I ever committed. Just gone. My family feels entitled to their irrationality and if I verbally object to this I'm crazy and abusive for taking too much of their time. My sister lines up family against me with her dishonest false narrative and somehow I get called a narcissist. Recently she even claimed a cousin who is a family therapist diagnosed me saying I'd never have normal relationships without intense therapy. I am very happily married with loving relationships with 5 children and 3 grandchildren.) When the cousin clarified this was in no way true, the family didn't identify the lie as any kind of red flag. Even when they know it is a lie they don't question it! To me this behavior very well illustrates the family "psychosis" of which you speak. I can't emphasize enough how every single thing you say tells me you understand the scapegoat experience (and all that surrounds it) better than anyone I've encountered (especially the insidious, perplexing, horrific projection aspects that can be so hidden yet damaging), how supported I feel at a critical juncture by your scholarship and communications, and how thankful I am to you for your work. I recommend your book to anyone I think might be interested. I am especially looking forward to participating in any kind of community that comes of your current work online. I'll be watching to see how that goes and interested to learn if there are any ways I can support that.
This comment is powerful in its astuteness and I hope many read it. Please do check the Community board here; I am creating a focus group I'd love for you to participate in once I have some online offerings ready.
@@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse Thank you! I will definitely look at the community board and hope to get involved in a focus group when the time comes.
What a great expression you used " my family feels entitled to their irrationality...." it's EXACTLY how I feel whenever I try to point it out or propose another, more open or cooperative way forward. They not only resist but react as my suggestion is literally crazy.... I've lived decades in the false belief I may actually be emotionally unstable, but after learning and watching videos like this it suddenly became so obvious that it is they who are quite ill and deluded. So many red flags I could never acknowledge because I simply defaulted to their determination that I was the over-emotional, damaged one. From age 4 or 5 I remember thinking, mostly unconsciously, how weird and angry and unjust my family seemed to react to each other... but when years later I became slightly bold enough to begin to bring it up the reaction was sometimes even violent. I subsumed it, and it wreaked havoc on my life. Me considering myself defective and always in the wrong led to so many years of self-abuse and sadness. This recovery is hard, but I'm so thankful there are others to share with and to provide critical insights. I don't know where I'd be now if I hadn't found all this in the past 1-3 years.
SO grateful to you for describing the family dysfunction as a shared psychosis. I am adding the concept of a ‘repair fantasy’ to my list of fantasies to resist (along with those described by Pete Walker: ‘salvation fantasy’, ‘compensation fantasy’ and ‘revenge fantasty’). Indulging in these fantasies is a form of false hope. Indulging these fantasies may provide some temporary relief, but it will undermine our healing.
My immediate family holidays as adult were hell with my mother and younger sister throwing every shameful thing in my face every time. After intense therapy I asked my mother why this was a thing. Her response was "well, the person who can take the most sh*t wins". That was it for me. I said then and there I would no longer be sitting with them to eat at any holiday event ever again. So they would spend the entire meal talking about how awful I was, but I didn't have to listen to it anymore. My mother is deceased since 2004 and after a bitter acrimonious estate fight with lawyers and being sued by her in 2010 to pay her legal fees I no longer speak to my sister and I have no relationship with my adult nephew. And my friends know my sister is a run of the mill sociopath. Thank you for making these videos. I was very lucky to have the benefit of a really amazing therapist for 2 years to help me realize how sick my family was and what that was doing to me. My therapist advised me to stay away from my sister as there was no way to have a healthy relationship with her. I know scapegoats, mostly male, and they suffered terribly and had to get away from their immediate family to become healthy.
This is not always the case. Although.you'll hear that a lot on social media from people not familiar with family systems or family systems research, so it is understandable why some would think that.
@@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse Yes, I'm no expert but I'm fairly certain my mother and my sister are malignant. My aunt defo is. My sister's oldest and youngest children are too...
1) Join my new FSA Education online community for adult survivors on SUBSTACK at familyscapegoathealing.substack.com/. Subscribe for free to receive my FSA-related articles or become a paid subscriber to access Community features where you can engage with other FSA adult survivors via Group Chats and Discussion Threads.
2) Purchase my introductory book on Family Scapegoating Abuse (Rejected, Shamed, and Blamed) via this Universal Buy Link, which includes links to Amazon: books2read.com/intro2fsa.
I read your book. Very validating. Thank you so much.
I'm so glad I found this channel! And I can't wait to read it. I'd already decided to order it, bc it was highly recommended by Heidi Priebe, in her great scapegoat video, & reading some reviews, I heard great things about it. It's the next book I'm ordering. (Once I finish my current read on emotionally immature parents, that I'm working on atm with my therapist)
@@darkcrystalmagik3369 Wonderful - Glad you found my channel and I hope you find my book on what I named family scapegoating abuse (FSA) helpful.
Thank you - I will read it.
There are so many you tube channels to choose from on this topic specifically - all good information - but I'm sold on this particular channel. I find the therapist relatable . Easy to listen to and not jarring to watch. Thank you. These are making big headway in my understanding of my own family of origin. NPD + binge drinking family.
I left a long time ago .
But years later did receive a letter of final discard ment from my mother.
As others in diverse you tube videos on this channel have commented, to Rebecca's insight, that the Grief born, and carried , is unlike any other grief: because it's not recognised by society, it does not meet the - grief over a death or Divorce or evidenced physical bruises - it is about Losses of an entire life not having experienced real love and acceptance.
I am in my early 60's now and the awakening for me has slowly come over the last 3 years .
The lies my family of origin have told about me, with persistent denials, collusion of my divorced parents, and purposeful plan, though occuring randomly, the very few times I did make contact, only by phone, to discredit, mock shame and compare me with other daughters they admire, to de stabilise my mental health, and instill both incredulity and worthlessness, boggles my mind.
I will keep listening and gain more understanding - that knowledge for example that these family systems are closed, no new information gets in, no growth and really a great gap in maturity, as Binge Drinkers and alcoholic families learn to evade the real issues - and find someone else to imagine into The Problem - is helpful to be reminded of - this understanding of the broad issues of NPD mums and dads etc, does help to crack open the closed doors, and takes away that deeply personalised pain, over having fallen victim to a full blown belief, that the Sole Problem is really YOU!
It takes some ( it has for me ) decades to learn just how to BE in this Life, to learn simple ways, which bring the most contentment and closeness to even just the family Pet - but my own adult child too, and above all with GOD.
I needed to seperate out all the NPD attitudes and actions experienced and realise GOD is none of these, and to stop expecting that HE would harm me and not accept me.
People say
You just are filled with self pity
And there has been a lot of that for me,
But largely it's that experience of feeling like an open Wound everywhere I have gone.
I'm thankful for those therapists who make their knowledge and applications of that available for FREE, thank you thank you!!!!
They never change . I tried going back after no contact several times. Once for nine years. It gets worse like they are trying to make up for lost time 😂
Good way to put it (and so often true...)
😢
I won’t say they never change but I will say they don’t change unless they’ve had some sort of “come to Jesus” moment that forces them to see themselves for who they are according to their behavior instead of who they are by comparing themselves to those they think are inferior.
I keep the door open to my siblings, meaning they may text me or call me, but the moment they fall into their old pattern, something comes up & I “have to go.” I leave them with their behavior. I do not participate.
At this point in my life I am too old to carry someone else’s baggage. I treat people as I like to be treated, show kindness to others, & avoid all who try to control or belittle me.
I am happy, free & at peace.
it's true that it takes a real born again to truly change
this is so well put I do notice people in my life are narcissistic Tendencies are always comparing themselves to people they think are inferior. but they never look at their own behavior and how it affects the people major blind spots major major denial major shame buried inside of them
It's true. 15 years of no contact did nothing to change my narcissistic mother. She actually became haughtier, more defiant, and more of a blameshifting "victim." These people take it right to the grave. They simply refuse to look in the mirror - at themselves.
💯💥🎯 Everything you said is all you need to know.
They defo get worse with age - as Evil has time to mature. Im so sorry - they are sickos.
That's EXACTLY what it felt like: like leaving a cult. It was INSANE. So glad I'm out and Healing
I am glad for you, too!
@@nobodynowhere21 something moved in my belly when I read your post frfr😳😳😳😳
Their should be legal recourse for narcissistic abuse and scapegoating.
Agreed. You might find this interesting: reyabogado.com/us/do-courts-recognize-narcissistic-abuse/
Thank you so much. You're making the world a better place with these videos, and probably saving lives too.
@@kylorobb it’s called intentional infliction of emotional distress..you can sue for it
Narcissist are cruel and heartless monsters that destroy every thing around them.
If you are a scapegoat run away when you can, and never look back, it never gets better, they become even worse. Avoid drugs and alcohol be smart with your money and get into therapy as fast as you can afford it.
💯
I learned this the hard way, they will never hear your side. They will never apologize, they will always be convinced and tell others that they did nothing wrong.
They know they're wrong and don't care. They will flip it on you.
Yes, I do discuss DARVO in other videos here, and my book, Rejected Shamed and Blamed (Dr Jennifer Freyd term): Deny, Attack, Reverse Victim and Offender
The word ABUSE. Should be used. I will not sugar coat what has been done.
You may refer to my work (including qualitative research) on family scapegoating abuse (FSA) via my book (Rejected, Shamed, and Blamed) or my website: scapegoatrecovery.com.
All need to learn about the dysfunctional narcissistic personality type early in life. Took me until I was 60 to define what had been done to me by my abusive family !! My mother, & step father are, were narcissists. I was scapegoated, & physically, emotionally, & mentally abused by them, & abusive step siblings. I am grey rock, & don't have a relationship with any of my brainwashed flying monkey siblings. & my narc. mother has slandered me to all my relatives...I have not been invited to a family function in years. But I now know I'm the "normal " one...because I refused to go along with their cult !! Yeah me...I'm free !! ♡☆♡ LOVE THY SELF !!
Love - and HONOR.
My life story if very similar. I escaped. I survived and am thriving! Much love.
I turned 60 recently and have spent much of the last three years learning about this complex subject. I did not do well in school but was a constant reader from a young age. I'm over it now but when I first learned about this un-acknowledged challenge I could only imagine how my life might have been different if I'd known about emotional abuse in family systems ( I have many older siblings) when I was a teen. I'd joined the workforce and befriended well-adjusted, healthy people and met their affectionate and welcoming families. Before that, I'd only read about such things. Your story reminds me that it's never too late to start trusting yourself and leaving that "cancer of the soul" in a safe, far away, place .
I walked away, and went NO CONTACT in the Summer of 2016.
I already know they will NEVER change; I was 49 when I left. They had not changed a bit in ALL those years!!!
I moved across the country to insure I'll never see them again. I will NEVER allow these awful people back into my life.
I've accepted my life as it is. I'll die alone. I'm too old to start a family now. I doubt I'll ever be able to trust anyone ever again.
I have forgiven them, for my own peace of mind. But _I am forever DONE with those people!_
As George Washington said,
_"It is better to be alone than to be in bad company."_
And when alone, many of us will find ourselves in good company (!)
49... seems like the golden age of enlightenment. That was how old I was, just before COVID.
@@marshallryan886
It's when I accepted the fact they were never going to change. I also had to accept something far WORSE; that people I loved dearly, my mom and half brother, NEVER honestly loved me. If they did, they wouldn't have treated me so badly. The sad fact is, I knew it when I was 14 (1981!) I just couldn't admit it to myself.
This threw me into a year-long severe depression. In it, I realized I had to forgive them to release them. I did. My life isn't perfect, but I'm better off without them. Nor will I ever allow them back into my life. When people ask me why, how, etc. I can do that, I tell them it's simple. Place your hand on a hot stove for 49 seconds. Take it off. Let the burn heal. Are you going to place your hand on the hot stove again?🤨
I share my story hoping it helps others break free from their Narcs.
Thanks for sharing your experience. For those reading this who find forgiveness unpalatable, I suggest focusing on 'radical acceptance' - More from my article here: www.scapegoatrecovery.com/2023/11/05/radical-acceptance-and-scapegoat-recovery-the-power-of-accepting-what-is/
@@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse
To add regarding forgiveness...
You're doing this for you, not them. You don't have to say it to their faces.
When the bad memories come to mind, and you're set to rage or tears, forgiveness helps shorten the episode. Speak the words aloud. The first few times, it doesn't help. I admit. But keep doing it. In time, it will make the episode pass without rage or tears either one. I use to get so stressed, I'd make myself physically sick. That doesn't happen now.
Holding on to anger, grief, etc. is like drinking poison everyday, and expecting the other person to die. Don't do that to yourself. They aren't worth it. Forgiveness helps you heal.
When one scapegoat goes away they will find another scapegoat to take that place.
Perhaps. Alternatively, the ‘scapegoat’ that left is still the focus of much interest and gossip.
The fact is they do not love you - they groom your siblings to continue to inflict the same abuse they inflict on you - You cannot, cannot, CANNOT win this game. Winning against a narc is like going into the jungles of Vietnam against the Vietcong. No matter what you throw at them, they have means of surviving & drawing you deeper & deeper into the jungle. You will lose 100% of the time, you cannot, cannot win. If you think you can win, you have lost. The only way to truly win is not to even think of being enticed to step into the jungle.
Thank you. So well said. I wish i had found this channel sooner. The losses sustained in this kind of psychotic system are beyond language. I lost houses kids money health - now i just feel lucky to be alive and grateful to find other survivers, The Law and education must be improved on this insidious absue.
Powerful analogy. And true. Thank you.
I fear they probably won't ever really be sorry..they might try to hoover you to abuse you more if they're desperate for someone to abuse. Im so sorry. Im in the same boat and am having to make myself face this same hard truth. They hate me and will never be sorry or care that they abused me and used me and treated me as the family rubbish bin. Im just trying to turn to my faith in God and believe that God loves me and I have to try to trust in God and myself
Thank you, Maz. Glad you're here.
That’s what I’m doing too Maz. People have always failed me so I’m turning to God.
God is good and forgiveness works. Freedom is beautiful. I don't think they even hate us, I think they strictly focus on themselves, and hate would focus on someone else. They will find another scapegoat and forget about us (or use us as a remote blame object).
@@hands-to-work1601 Well said. There are so many misconceptions about narcissistic abuse floating around social media. I hope to address some of these - and live to tell the tale.
Maz, you can live for God OR please your family. There will never be both. There are many verses in the New Testament about this. Clearly, you are not worthy of Christ if you choose someone else. If you look closely enough, you will see your family is putting "the family first". That false narrative will never fit any family. There is the Body of Christ and none other.
After decades of distance, the worst mistake I made was imagining that the family dynamic might've changed. I reconnected and am having to relive the trauma of withdrawal yet again.
It (the dysfunctional system) rarely changes, and if anything, is 'progressive', similar to alcoholism / addiction.
I wish I’d realized this was happening to me in real time. I was completely clueless to what was going on. I always thought it was me. This is devastating and freeing at the same time.
Me too.
THIS is the problem. I'm sorry teens & people in their 20s have to deal with this * at all *-- but at least they have the information in time to make significant changes. Those of us 40+, 50+ -- I see some people in comments sometimes in their 80s -- I'm not going to say "What can they do?" because I'm always in favor of doing SOMETHING when you have knowledge. But the older you are, the more people you have in your family and extended family who will LITERALLY fight you ... and even the best therapist only has so much time, and you only have so many resources to give that therapist, in order to get the support you need to try to repair YEARS of damage; never mind all the things - not just time, but sometimes even money, stolen from you by your parents, when you were a CHILD - that were taken from you by force.
Are we never to have the necessary support to get at least a fraction of that all back???
@@amarbyrd2520 for me, that’s where my faith in Jesus, and his supernatural work in me picks up. And picks up the pieces. And restores “what the locusts have eaten.”
It is liberating. Thank you for your thoughts.
Me too
They laud their money (and your lack of it) over you for decades, depriving their grandchildren of any generosity and bad-mouth you to their peers as the demon child. I know.
Have you ever walked along a beach, heading west when the sun is setting? Then after a while you decide to turn back and head east? Everything looks totally different. Same place, same beach, but totally different. Thank you Rebecca, it is so valuable when someone helps us turn around and see things from a different perspective.
Dimitra, this is beautiful. I feel privileged to be able to reach people with my work via UA-cam and am glad you are here and find it helpful.
The hard part is letting go of good relationships in the family because the narcissist tries to get to you through them
One of the most difficult aspects, indeed.
Half safe is not "a good relationship"
I know what you mean but truthfully how good could they really be functioning as flying monkeys?
Even when the malignant narcissist head of the family dies, nothing changes. The rest continue their toxic ways. Don’t waste your life hoping any of them will change. They don’t love you. Worse, they hate you. It’s a bitter pill but you’ll save yourself some pain and time invested in them if you can bravely face that truth. I’m sorry they don’t love you. It’s not your fault. Despite any mistakes you may have made, they have as many or more. It has nothing to do with that. They don’t have the capacity for the love and grace you deserved. ❤
The last line of your comment is powerful, and says it all.
Truly, it's a fantasy that they will ever start taking responsibility for their actions.
And they will be open for conversation not monologue and morals
I move on as if they never existed, which was the attitude that began my healing and gave me back my life. I've gone six years no contact, with each year becoming more and more happy. I cast my mother and three sisters into my outer circle, as they daily drift further and further into deep space, leaving my inner circle a paradise. Glad they are gone along with all of their toxicity! Summersault, back flip, cartwheel, half-twist and stick the landing!
Great comment and good for you! God bless you and all your scapegoat free gymnastics 😎
😀 Good for you! Enjoy your freedom.
That's really inspiring thank you. I walked away from the two that caused my birth in January 2020. That started the snowball rolling. But what I didn't realise was that my sister had his mindset too. I sensed it. Never interested in me, my thoughts, attitudes, values, ethics and opinions and yet she is convinced I am bad. Once she outed her true thoughts and feelings, it was impossible to stay. The patronising, condescending way she wrote, "I want you in my and my family's life. You have to decide if you love us enough and can leave your arguments at the door." i.e you are allowed this slot in the family (entertainment only) and it's because you don't love us if you don't comply. I mean, the audacity.
As Thelma said to Louise in the latter stages of their escape from a host of idiots, "Something's crossed over in me. I could never go back". Like her, I have tasted freedom.
In the last 8 months I've had to come to terms with the loss of the sister I thought I had and deal with (and ultimately reject to save my sanity) the awful human that has replaced her (her behaviour over this has been shocking).
Comparing voicenoted I made back then to where I am now, I've grown so much. Thanks for sharing that 6 years later you are getting happier each year. That makes me hopeful that all the work and pain is worth it xxx
Don’t go back! Take my advice, after years of having no contact and returning “thinking they love me” I’ve been used abused and it ended worse than ever! They convince themselves I deserve abuse. They WILL pay oneday🙏Until then I’m gonna live my beautiful life that I deserve!!
My parents are now old sick and need help with care. I have a no contact lifestyle after years of abuse and trying desperately to work through the family dynamics. They’ve recently asked my partner if we can help them now at the end of their lives so the money they have won’t be spent on their care, but given to certain family members I don’t have contact with as well. A recent box of used dishes as a Christmas gift was given to me, to help sweeten the deal. These are people with extensive resources and I haven’t gotten a gift from them since 1991, which was a “ladies tool set “ that broke within the first month of using it! Everyone else has either passed away or lives out of state so they are desperate. I feel like a terrible person but the answer is no, I need to protect myself. They’re going to have to pay some one to care for them…it’s not going to be me.
Another way to think about it is, if this were an abusive ex spouse one ended contact with for self preservation, would one feel obligated to help that ex in their old age? Would society expect them to? Glad you were able to follow the wisdom of your nervous system.
@@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse I appreciate your comment. As a life long social service worker, my life and work have always been to help people, but I can’t help them. My life and feelings need to be considered, as well. So many times throughout the years, I desperately needed help, at least a bit of love and support from my family; every reason in the world why they couldn’t/ wouldn’t help me. I don’t think they planned well that one day it would be them needing help. I understand how desperate and scary life can be… but I have my own life now, as they’ve taught me just to keep focused on my own life.
So many here will relate to this (me included). Thank you for commenting on a difficult topic so thoughtfully.
Like I said. Spot on. It's God's Miracle that I never did drugs, alcohol or ended my life from this abuse. I'm walking away and it will be hard.
Here's a resource list I put together for FSA survivors for further education and support: familyscapegoathealing.substack.com/p/resources
@@bertan8510 facts.. but also God didn’t allow me to do something horrible to them..there’s that..
Scapegoat I was and left my narcissistic family and went “NO CONTACT!” on everyone I knew in my past!!! I had to start over again to take back control of my life because I figured out that my biological narcissistic family has been running a Smear Campaign against me and that’s why I could never get ahead in life!!!
We are talking about similar issues on my latest video on Scapegoat Grief, Bennie (getting a fresh start, etc) - hope you check it out.
they do that- they never own their own badness, even if you do not talk to them for years they are still smearing you and fuxated on you.
You will get ahead in life. Build up your self esteem and confidence.
I was scape goated and I did not adopt the narrative. So I was expelled by the family. Mother attempted to withhold inheritance from my dad and tried to disinherit me. I won a legal settlement. Would I do it again or spare myself all the trouble and go along with the family? The only thing I would change is to call it out earlier but in those days this was not generally known like it is now. As soon as I was aware, there is no way I'm going along with anyone's false reality and delusions.
Once you break away, stay away!
Don't trust them! My extended family and friends have heard nothing but bad things about me.
They are an irretrievably lost cause. Any contact would give them opportunity to do more damage.
If you know things about a narcissist that are bad, they want everyone to hate you.
No truer words ever said. I no longer care what any of them think about me. I just know that one day that people will see I wasn't the problem, they were.
I don't want to hear from them again. I was raised in abuse. Suffered through it and left as soon as I could. They've never been there so I don't need them.
A painful awareness, but necessary if one is to go forward and live a life they can, well...live with.
So many people do refused to acknowledge that psychological and emotional abuse exists, so many families have the mindset that if you weren’t getting physically touched whether that be sexually or violently it doesn’t count as abuse
You may want to watch my video that I'm releasing this Saturday. I address the fact that psycho-emotional abuse often goes unacknowledged, invalidating the genuine pain of victims.
My sister is like that. She doesn’t think emotional or verbal abuse exists As she yells and blames her son and me.
My abusers even pretend the physical abuse and childhood sexual abuse didn’t happen. 😡😡😡
Once a narcissist always a narcissist
Theyou don't know they are sick.
NPD is indeed an intractable condition - we know this clinically.
My mother was the narcissistic abuser. I was the scapegoat. My mother passed away and I thought the dysfunction would die with her but nope, my father and siblings carried it on. My father passed away and I went no contact. My brother, who I was close to but was one of the golden children, had a heart attack and contacted me and wanted to heal our relationship. Within a matter of months, it started again and I refuse to be pulled back into their dysfunction.
Until FSA dynamics are addressed at the root within a given family system, the "new" behaviors are unlikely to stick, sadly.
Thanks for the heads up
It is terrible isn't it? I think to be good hearted and open and am ready to forgive but they do not understand, so I have to keep my distance. Which I do, otherwise it each time starts over again. I have to protect myself. But I pay with a terrible loneliness. Not knowing how to love how to get love, I just do not know. So I stay alone and life passes very fast. Without much joy. Since the pattern is always lurking: shaming, blaming, rejecting because this sort of people are everywhere and they can feel with whom the can 'play' their games over and over again. I am without defense.I wish I could find inner peace. Take care.
@@dianeandries1331 I'm so sorry. Learning about this has made me hyper sensitive to people who use and scapegoat others. I figured out my good friend for a decade was really just using me. Now I evaluate people for toxicity before I give them access to me. If I'm alone, thats okay, because it's certainly better than wasting my time on toxic people. All the best to you.
@@dianeandries1331hi there, your comment touched me. Maybe you can make a list about all the ways you are loving and lovable. Your family has you convinced that you are not, but you probably are and need to keep reminding yourself.
I bought your book and it was so helpful. I went no contact 7 yrs ago. I live rural and couldn't find a therapist who understood. I kept blaming myself with things like "Maybe if I had drawn clearer boundaries" or "I should have stood up better for myself". I now see that there was nothing I could have done to change things.
I am still carrying so much deep sadness. Every night I have dreams I am lost and looking for my purse that is missing. Maybe you could talk about grieving and how to close this chapter and move on.
Yes, I will definitely do several videos on loss and grieving - including disenfranchised grief (which I prefer over 'estrangement grief' - I'll explain in a video). Those types of dreams can really stir it up - I've had them myself.
I second that. How to deal with grief.
@@christar9527 I'll do this soon - Many requests for it.
I was the scapegoat of a narcissistic family headed by a narcisist.
I broke contact for a number of years and my biggest mistake was to re-contact them hoping that they had had an epiphany or that I could in some way make things right between us. It made matters worse - such people never change except for the worse.
Sad, but true (in the case of narcissistic family systems).
Makes me sick how relatives believe this demon….never reach out to see if the accusations are true….like clowns in a circus, no brains of their own 👹
It is both fascinating and disturbing how nuclear and extended family buy into the ‘consensual trance’ that supports the scapegoat narrative - and the act of scapegoating. I discuss this a bit in my book on FSA (Rejected, Shamed, and Blamed), btw…
Thank you 🙏 I have been a victim in a narcissistic family. I limit contact because they drain my energy.
You're welcome!
They won’t. They will use your leaving to justify it
That is typically the case.
Yes they will say "she abandoned her own family"....and the duped people who listen to this lie will never once think to themselves..."Why would anyone abandon their own support system??....maybe something very bad was going on with that family to cause them to do something detrimental to themselves..." No, these closed minded people, usually extended family, aunts, uncles cousins, just swallow the lie and NEVER ask for your side of the story. They just abandon you. Cowards.
Yes. This is the way it generally goes, sadly.
I moved 2,500 miles away after putting myself thru nursing school. I became successful without them. The greed of my family is unbelievable. Mom stitched me up on property I own. Having put her on the deed she prevented me from borrowing on it or selling it. The other 3 siblings inherit her half. I own the other half. We will be going to probate court. I'm 71 yr's old now. They want what I have, all of it!
Your story here is a good example of why seeking legal assistance can be critical in such situations, particularly in regard to real estate and inheritance matters. So sorry you are having to go through this and I hope it turns out well for you if you end up in court.
Been there. I fought. Was able to eventually sell my property after being scammed for years and her making millions from it. I walked away. 5 years later, am good.
You know I always felt over the years that I was in a Mafia family.
I tried to get my mother to meet with us individually at Christmas and treat us like a grown family and my 2 brothers as seperate families.
The abuse was so bad over the 40 years that I would start geting upset and anxious by July 1st every year.
NOW, mom is dead ......so I want to live in peace with my wife......wrote an email to say I will no longer be in contact.
ahahah Great post., Yes, i always think of mine as Mafia - its outrageous and we need to speak out publicly about this rather than suffer in silence - they should all be in prison or an insane asylum.
@@chartydurrant744 Here's some FAMILY Christmas music it's " GOOD FOR YOU AND GOOD FOR ME ....AH. ua-cam.com/video/X-jdl9hcCeg/v-deo.html
I’m so glad I’m free.
There are many UA-cam videos with similar titles and "What happens when the scapegoat FINALLY walks away" where the speaker invents all kinds of scenarios: the family will fall apart, a new scapegoat will be chosen and all of these feed our need for revenge or remorse or them finally coming to their senses. Look at all the "When the Narcissist realizes what they lost" videos for even more examples. What I appreciate here is that Ms. Mandeville simply says NOTHING will change. After having just attended my mother's funeral and getting so horrifically abused by my brother and sister (who is now threatening to cut me out of the trustee 1/3 payment my mother so carefully prepared with lawyers) it's time to focus on ME. On MY HEALING. They will never change.
V true!…. Nothing will change in them!…. Hard going, but just have to continue putting our well-being and peace ✌️ no 1 priority!… ❤
Yes, is it not clinically recommended - nor is it trauma-informed - for one to wind up their nervous system further by contemplating / creating / imagining / conjecturing various scenarios that can in fact actually not be accurately predicted, as each family is unique in their construction and dysfunction - it is a myth that this 'always' or 'never' happens. And why, in the end, does this even matter? It is my clinical opinion as an expert in this form of abuse that the focus needs to instead be on understanding what happened to you in your family and how to move forward and HEAL. Regarding the mention of trustee payments: I always encourage seeking legal counsel when I hear of these types of situations, which are actually quite common - it also came up in my FSA research, btw. I have had many people write me back to thank me, as they were vindicated in court. But of course, it is a personal choice and one must feel they are up for it as it can get a bit nasty. However, a savvy attorney can certainly be a good advocate in these situations!
What’s amazing was I was the cause of their problems, when I ceased contact their issues not only continued but escalated. Interesting.
Me too. I found the same thing.
They still do blame me for all their bad life choices even though I am no longer around to blame. They turn up every 5 years now & it's the same old BS.
Proving that you never actually were the cause of their 'problems'...(!)
@@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse BINGO!
That is the whole point of being appointed the role of scapegoat. You are the dumpster for all their failures, problems, etc. That is why they need a scapegoat because they can't be responsible or wrong for anything. Therefore they need someone to dump all their crap onto and you are that elected dumping ground.
The problem starts and ends with them. You know it is not your fault and that is all that matters. They are delusional.
I have just decided enough is enough is enough and I am not contacting my abusive narcissistic family anymore. I wish I had been able to do that many years ago...probably 50 years ago. However, I am doing it now! Because I have been good and generous and kind to family members I thought I could win them. That is a delusion. For them I am the scapegoat and will most likely always be!
Unfortunately, once that 'scapegoat narrative' gets stuck on you, it is very difficult to wash off. Just posted a video on the scapegoat narrative, btw.
Thank you for sharing the TRUTH, and giving a voice to the scapegoat. It hurts so bad that I had to cut my siblings off in addition to the head malignant. But it was necesaary to avoid further retraumitization. They refuse to believe the abuse and targeting, and my sister as the golden child takes it further by aggressive denial, and blame shifting me.
It is a cult and psychotic is correct. Thank you so much.
It is similar to a shared psychosis - the shared belief in a distorted reality is that powerful. If you havn'e yet watched my video on sibling estrangement, you may want to, although the focus in that one is more on dysfunctional family dynamics and the Family Projective identification Process versus narcissistic family dynamics.
I walked away 25 years ago. Best thing I ever did. Never go back. Never give them an inch as long as you live. People like this never change. In fact they often get worse as they get older. Done with it all. Never missed them even once!
Funny how that works (!)
So smart!!! I'm glad you did!!!
@@lindamoses3697 Thanks Linda. My wife and I have had such a good life together. Removing the constant negativity of my family was the key to really unlocking how good things could be. Sadly my brother and sister are two of the most disagreeable, argumentative, bitter people I have ever met, and let me tell you, I've met some really mean people in my life. I was responsible for the disbursement of my father's estate, and they were furious over that. Once that task was complete I just quietly left. Thankfully I live in a different community so I don't ever have to see them again. I have focused on my work, my home, my hobbies, my finances, and a network of really great friends who make me raise my expectations of myself. I feel that my quality of life has been very good. I can honestly say I don't have a single memory of a positive experience with either of my siblings. It's like they resented me from the day my mother brought me home from the hospital. Getting rid of them required cutting off my entire family from our lives. No reading obituaries, no Christmas Cards, no correspondence of any kind. So here we are 25 years later and we've had more fun and have more money than we ever dreamt of. Every day is an exercise in gratitude at this house. Thank you for commenting and I hope your life is going great.
You are absolutely right about everything you stated. I have not had anything to do with so called "family" for many years now. Not too ago I had to remove my Facebook account because a couple of them found me and started harassing me and even using bible scriptures to intimidate and bully me into doing what they believe is right for me. They refuse to leave me alone. They even came after my children and have lied causing so much conflict and confusion. As far as I'm concerned they don't exist, and I hope I never see any of them again.
There is a reason that term 'flying monkeys' exists in regard to narcissistic families and going no contact. It's indeed a real 'thing'...
Got out as fast as I could. They find ways to keep you as a punching bag.
I left in 2017 after my mom died. Im the youngest of 7. They are all a year apart, I'm 8 years younger than the next one up. I grew up with 6 narcissists/sociopaths. I was moms favorite and the family scapegoat. I was born with Asperger's. I acquired moderate Misiphonia when my 18 year old brother stabbed me in the chest twice when i was 9. I didn't figure it all out till 2011. I was born in 1970. I havent spoken to any of them since moms funeral.
The peace i have now, after 47 years of abuse from 6 people, and 28 psycologists in 35 years....
Priceless. ❤
Priceless, indeed. Glad you're here. This Saturday I am releasing an advanced preview of my latest FSA research. Hope you tune in!
Wow, you're experience is so similar to mine. I was born in 1961 to a 17 year old mom and 19 year old narc dad. My brother is 6 years younger and golden. I have been nc since my mom died in 2014. That's when my dad and bro stole my portion of her life insurance. I am SO happy to finally have peace. I will never go back!
I was born in 1966. You pretty much just wrote my story. Wow. I'm number 6 of 7.
The best revenge from narcissistic abuse is a great life! If they were envious before, they'd really hate how happy we are now!
@@whygohome172 ya got that spot on!!! 🤣🤣🤣
They don't care, even when death is the reason for the no-contact. My husband and his sister are the scapegoats. My husband walked away for the most part. However, my sweet sister in law died of cancer three years ago. Her mom didn't shed a single tear. She was the first to attempt to collect from her daughter's estate and despite she couldn't be bothered to show up to the burial - she made sure she was given free funeral food. She has never expressed any remorse - instead she's increased the smear campaign as her daughter is not on earth anymore to defend herself. It was devastating to witness as my sister in law spent her life trying to make her mom happy.
This is heartbreaking - and tragic. Those who say parents "always" love their children are wrong. Particularly if the parent is a malignant narcissist. Even some therapists balk at this idea that a parent could not only not love, but even actively hate, their own child / adult child. Time for everyone to wake up to this form of psycho-emotional, soul-destroying abuse. Thank you for your comment, and I am so sorry you and your husband had to witness this.
First Babies let me say I’m sorry for your loss and secondly I’ve seen this disgusting dynamic to a scapegoat.
This person was looked down on and labeled by a toxic narcissistic family.
This person got a serious illness, and the scapegoat was suicidal.
The “ Christian” loving cousin didn’t take five minutes of her time to connect, reach out or care. How Christ like…
Next the narcissistic sister, who was directly involved in causing it vanished and didn’t talk to this scapegoat at all.
Even in death these people have an ego construct that is utterly cold, selfish. And can’t extend themselves even with death.
Cut these labeling family’s off is my advice.
You will always be put down so they can feel superior.
They will go after money….
Money counts.
Lose them fast,….
@@nicolecarnevale3226 So sad and so true. Unfortunately, too many people use Christ or religious dogma to further abuse those who need real Christ like love and support the most. As a family scapegoat in a exremely religous family, I know that abuse all too well. It took a long time for me to come back to any sort of faith at all considering the spiritual abuse I endured, but ultimately I came to believe that Christ is all too often used as a marketing tool or a way to prop narcissistic people up as their own god. Jesus would flip over all their wicked tables though & He was the ultimate scapegoat ✝
@@PaperclipProphets True. Religious hypocrites had Him nailed to a cross...
It's hard to admit to yourself what's really going on. You have bought into the family narrative that abuse is caring. It's not. Cut ties and resist efforts to force you back in. They NEED a scapegoat and any promises they make aren't sincere. Stay strong and remind yourself of all the reasons you left.
I DO believe that we CAN recover. I'm 70. I drank copious amount of alcohol for YEARS as a result of familial child abuse. The abuser became powerful. I can't change that person but I DID stop drinking 21 years ago. It's a process. I have meditated for many years. ❤
Good to hear - thank you for sharing! As I like to say to my clients who initially wonder if they really can recover from FSA: "Believe nothing; entertain possibilities."
@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse 😊 Mom would say, "YOU can do anything you put your Mind to 👍 the IMPOSSIBLE takes a LIL LONGER"! So, she had that LIL LONGER part right lol I'm 70 and I'M HEALING. I read everything. #DaVinci. I gravitated to "YOUR TEACHINGS". Really enjoyed, "DR WAYNE DYER" Circa 1986 as well. #Empath but YOU ALREADY KNOW THIS . SMILE.
More power to you! ❤ My brother drank for years to nurse his pain of being scapegoated but finally quit. Growing up as number 9 of 10 children I briefly bought into the behind-the-back jokes about him by older siblings but also defended him. Then I began to notice other things and how my mother treated him and realized they were downright mean spirited on the downlow and couldn't fathom why they were so hostile. The only story I heard about an accusation against him was put right when my oldest brother(Golden Child) came clean before he died and said it was himself that did it. I always knew my brother was innocent and stated that fact when my mother told me the story. I felt everyone else knew the truth too but they perpetuated the lie and ostricism to please my mother (at the time I didn't understand what and why this was the case). Be strong and courageous
Meditation and mantra practice have helped me hugely. I still do it to this day.
Congratulations on your healing journey and years of 🚫🥃
The best thing that’s I’ve ever done was go no contact.
Me too.
But they still turn up every 5 years like a bad penny.
@@lucindasavona2278 don’t respond or interact. Be polite and move on.
I cut contact then got pulled back all my life, until recently.
It's a cycle. I care for me now.
Good to hear, Charlotte.
Until I became aware of the true nature of Narcissistic family dynamics, I lived in tremendous personal pain, guilt and shame 100% of the time as the family's scapegoat. That particular role within a Narc-family is beyond painful.
Hence my naming this type of abuse 'family scapegoating abuse' (FSA). Because it also happens in dysfunctional family systems where no narcissist is present. In such cases, the scapegoating is driven by the Family Projective Identification Process.
The IN group bonds by having a common OUT group to target their hate onto.
Thank you so much for your work! It's helping me to understand what happened to me as a child, and why it's still going on. My Dad was a violent abuser, mostly of my Mother and me, causing us to flee our home. The family dynamic remains, sans physical violence, but still requiring a scapegoat upon whom to project all the guilt and shame: lucky me! @@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse
You're welcome, glad you are finding my work on FSA helpful.
@@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse I am very grateful to you for your attention to this sad topic. Narcissism and the deep harm it's done to individuals and families needs to be shared with as many people as possible.
As I watched many family members leave they never returned, visited or called. The narc family doesn't realize anything. They keep going as if you were the problem BUT the problems don't change they get passed on.(Thank you for this video)
The biggest mistake I ever made was moving back close to my family (7 siblings) because one of them apologized and offered me a job at the family company, and I thought things were changing. I missed them and had always wanted to be part of them and it was hard not to get my hopes up. Please, if you are doing better after moving away, DO NOT go back. It’s been a year since I moved away this second time and I’ve healed a lot but it will take time to fully recover. I think I still love my family but unfortunately it has to be at a distance.
Thank you for letting us know, Rachel. It is understandable that one hopes it will be different "this time." It simply shows how much you genuinely care.
My family members only talk about care about themselves. They don't want to hear anything about others. You hit the nail on the head.
Such families will especially not want to hear about anything the 'scapegoat' is feeling or thinking, needing, or wanting, that's for sure.
Everything changed when my therapist helped me see I am the scapegoat. Explained everything! Now I don’t beg for love. I am centered, grounded. Don’t beg for love! Don’t expect anything from them. Love from a distance.
Wonderful - thank you for sharing!
@@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse thank you! Your videos help so much.
@@DoreenLovesHerDog Good to hear.
My dad and my brother get it. Finally. They really see. My sister does not. I asked my dad why my sister didn't want to believe me and he said, "your sister is just like your mom, and they ADORE each other. You're not going to get through to your sister. I'm here and so is your brother, and we're behind you." My dad fully understands why I need serious new boundaries with my mom. He says it hurts him to hear it because he doesn't want to believe it, but that he CAN see it and he knows it is true.
Wow hold onto that - someone who gets it - amazing
Your lucky my bro...tell your dad if ever comes too 🏴 I will buy him a 🍺...😂....just nice too hear your dad got your back
Sounds like your Dad is the enabler?
I understand that the enabler can be considered just as abusive, if not more than the narc parent for modelling & entrenching in their children that love is abuse & abuse is love? Staying in a marriage where they too are being abused but deny, gaslight themselves & make up excuses for the narcs behavior. Sounds like your Dad is still with your narc Mom?
I had this situation but in reverse~Mom was the enabler.
When Dad passed, Mom continued to enable abuse of my children & I from my nex (narc ex).
Generational cycles repeat unless WE break them!
I’m out~I live in peace & freedom now! Worth all the pain for this inner joy of living with truth, authenticity & “a gentle life”
🌺
I don’t care if they ever realize what they did. I want nothing to do with any of them.. I’m so done..completely 😢
In my case, by going no contact it made me even more of a scapegoat. It just affirmed to them in their narcissistic minds that I was the problem.
Yep. Classic. And confirmed by my research (this happens to many scapegoated adults who end ties).
I’m in the same boat. They can gossip and say whatever they want…..I AM FREE!
Yes. I keep reminding myself that there are 8 billion people in the world so if my nuclear family hate me, it doesn't amount to much. If they do. a smear campaign, their reach is not that great in the overall scope of things.
Sad but true. I'm finally unraveling the complex dishonesty and abuse that I've blamed myself for my entire life, and the losses are massive. I was hoping for more good news, but am willing to optimize what I have left: a great relationship with my daughter and granddaughter. Maybe I'll get a dog. Thanks for the great content!
Appreciate it. How wonderful that you relationships with your daughter and granddaughter were not tainted by scapegoating dynamics. And speaking of possibly getting a dog, perhaps you remember this: ua-cam.com/video/hqmRF32xKQo/v-deo.htmlsi=tOiSQNjMZZALXeMQ
I am the scapegoat from a dreadful, dysfunctional family. My father was a catholic narcissist and organized my mother and sisters against me. I was subjected to physical violence from him and as soon as I finished school, left home and took a Government job and enrolled in Law School, attending classes in the evening. My parents divorced within a year of my departure. At 21, I was a big, strong man and late one evening went to my father's flat and knocked on the door. He opened the door and I severally broke his nose with a series of punches, leaving him noticeable disfigured for the remainder of his life. Both parents are dead now, and I have no contact with my sisters. Anyway, I have lived in Europe since graduation and am a multi-jurisdictional lawyer. That's life, as some say.
You men really know how to get justice.😂😆
I have had clients tell me the things they would like to do upon the grave of their malignant narcissist, sociopathic parent. The 'righteous rage' and profound sense of injustice with no reparative experience can be understandably intense.
@@christar9527 He was an ex-amateur boxer, and it's only in recent times I realized his poor grasp of reality. It wasn't merely delusional. He had his own unreality which he believed to be reality, aggressively and sometimes violently imposing it on others. He was a shocking man and so mentally ill, but I survived. I realized it.
@@christar9527 1970s Australia
Your physical and spiritual strength saved you, you have charisma too I think. All protective factors. The Lord truly blessed you. 🌹
I went back after no contact with family for 3 years and got chewed up and spat out rolled under a bus and kicked while I was down .. been 18 months now being nothing to nobody and starting to heal .. I was nearly dead when I left this time .. no surrender ever again!
'Radical acceptance' of painful truths is typically required - versus surrendering to these dysfunctional / narcissistic family dynamics.
I found your channel this evening, started watching your videos, and then started emotional eating, something I never do, but kept watching your videos. This is exactly what I’ve been seeking at this point in my life, someone like you, to point out and to educate me about what has been going on all my life with my family, what has kept me back from thriving no matter how hard I try. My happiness thwarted. Always in need validation validation never trusting myself. Always feeling less than.
Thank you so much for these videos and your blog and the hard work that you have done to hopefully free some of us, so that we may live, free with some happiness.
You're most welcome. Hopefully you have or will read my book, more info and free resources on my website at scapegoatrecovery.com.
Narcissistic abusive families never change. I was the scapegoat in my family and as soon as I left I imagine my narcissistic mother picked one of my golden child brother's two kids as her next target. The cycle repeats and will never stop.
Narcissistic mother, sister, and raised in a cult. I walked away from all but went back a few times. I can tell my mom is trying but she’s already stirred the pot to cause drama so I’m reconsidering. I think after watching this it’s best to walk away and enjoy whatever parts of my life I have left to enjoy.
Caution is advised, as I mention in my book and various videos. Thank you for commenting.
No never, ever, ever, ever will any enlightened thought enter their brains that their behavior was in any way wrong. They double, triple, quadruple down in a rage of a how-dare-you fest of payback.
My “only child” sister (😂) posted an absolutely insane obituary of my mother that I discovered a year or two after her death, describing growing up in a fantasy life similar to the 50’s & 60’s tv shows (think Ozzie & Harriet, The Donna Reed Show) where she was the only child and our parents were happy in love and our flaming witch mother was our father’s guiding light and love. It was so poorly written that I asked my ex-hubs if he thought a child had written it, he studied it & believed it was my sisters work….they both received PhD’s at the same Uni w/in months of each other, my sister went on to Harvard to post-doc….she isn’t stupid, just can’t control her emotions, and manipulative. The truth of our parent’s marriage was that mother was a raging, violent, sadistic, alcoholic lunatic who I suspect was a malignant narcissist. Our father was a raging alcoholic and I believe narcissist who took his rage out in beating the cr*p out of me after their drunken fights, while she looked on in, er, “excitement”. My sister was the golden child who could do no wrong and no lie was too big or bizarre to be believed. While my position was the family garbage can to be dumped on, kicked, etc. Both parents were fully employed, mother was an Rn, and father owned an extremely successful business.
Years of therapy have been a godsend in understanding that it had nothing to do with me, it was always about them. Thanks Sandy for your therapy and sending me on the right path. ❤
I think you mean Rebecca, not Sandy...? Regardless, thank you for sharing some of your story - and your FSA recovery - with us. Much appreciated.
I can relate. When mum was still alive and my nephew was 2 my sister sat at our family dining room table and said "mom never hit us". Man was my blood starting to boil. But mom chimed in ",of yes I did in fact if I did that in this day and age I would be in jail" my sister wanted to whitewash history as her son was the age she was being triggered by her abuse history and she needed to deny it. Father had passed in suddenly he protected us from moms rages. I was glad Mom acknowledged her role in physical abuse. She never broke a bone but we were punched kicked backhanded pinched etc until we could fight back enough for her to quit the brutal unfair heavy handed corporal punishment which often came out of nowhere. I had a hard time saying no to anyone until I went to therapy in my late twenties. Saying no to mother would exact a very painful price. But I get the insane whitewash. In some respects your sister is trying to appear respectable to people in town writing that it might be a form of "I am better than you I had the perfect childhood," very egomaniacal insecure act.
Since they don’t self reflect, I am sure they just keep blaming the scapegoat… we just aren’t aware of it 😂 since we’re not around.
Yep.
Or they find another scapegoat in the family.
I left my family of origin when I was 31 years old. I went no contact about two years later before it was a thing. I had to figure it out for myself. When my mother got sick with cancer, I went to visit. She told me I caused her to get cancer. She did not know, nor did she care that I had a life I loved in contrast to the misery she had told me to expect. She wanted my total devotion to her life. She told me she wanted me to be her mother. I could not do that. When she was terminal, I was asked to give up my life and go home to care for her because I was the daughter. I was guided to say no. I felt guilty. It had an impact on my life. I struggled with trauma issues without knowing what they were. I was fortunate to find out when I was 72 years old and since then I have been learning about and working on trauma issues but have not had a therapist which I think is an issue. I will now be 80 in a few weeks, an age I never expected to experience. I have been studying Ancestral trauma and collective trauma. It gave me a new perspective on my family. My first thought when I learned about you yesterday was to tell my trauma coach. Then I looked at and bought your book and learned that my trauma coach wrote the Forward. The Universe has a hand in everything in my life. I am grateful.
I so hope you now are vindicated that you did by far the best thing. How wonderful to have the experience of living a life you loved.
So different to pouring yourself into a bottomless pit, and then after being totally spent to be told you just made things worse.
You are an inspiration.
Wonderful that you experienced such synchronicity regarding my book. I'm happy to have you here. Indeed, it is never to late to heal from FSA!
I totally empathise with your trauma. My experience was simillar. When I finally drifted away I was head on confronted by my Narc mother about her being there to hold her own mothers hand when died. She literally turned up on my doorstep. Barged her way in and came straight out with it. I was so confused because I was still trying to figure it all out. Shortly after, I google 'why is my mother such a bitch' and about a million sites popped up screaming NPD. It was like reading ghe story of my family. Narc parents. Golden child and scapegoat. So I then realised my mother's sudden outburst was yet another one of her guilt tripping tactics. I don't think she actually was with her mother. There was nobody else there and my mother tells lots of stories about how good she is and how she is always the victim. Funny how I only ever saw her being a total bully to everyone, especially me as her chosen scapegoat. Anyway, up until I walked away, my husband and I had always been the ones my parents called in a medical emergency. And this had been the case for years. We were called out morning, noon and night to just about every hospital in London for over 10+ years. There was never a thank you. I was always given an envelope of cash and told that my sister would have done it. Then there would be a literny of praise my sister and her husband and children. But I was so used to being subtly abused this way that it took me years to realise that I was doing the work but my GC sister was getting the praise!!! I was literally getting a pay off, like I was an outside agency. So, when my narc mother turned up to guilt trip me over possibly not being there to hold her hand when she dies, it was just more of the same. In retrospect, I should have just said, well I'm sure my sister will be there for you (not a chance! Psychopaths hate being around sick or dying people, right!). Anyway, no, I won't go near that creature again, dead or alive. She is already dead to me 🤷🏻♀️
I was the black sheep in my family. As you say, they all had to get in the at to keep peace with my father. The tragedy is, I attract narcissists to this day. How can I change that? I am very serious about not having anyone in my life who puts me down, It’s caused a massive extinction of those around me. I am alone. I’m amazed by people who think they can treat me this way.
It starts with awareness: Of narcissistic abuse; family scapegoating abuse; scapegoat trauma and its effects (the purpose of this channel and my book, 'Rejected, Shamed, and Blamed') and understanding and addressing resulting symptoms of complex trauma.
By coincidence I was able to listen to three testimonies of former Scientologists - each was word for word my experience of my narcisstic family cult system
The dynamics are very similar and at times the same - and this has been supported by research.
My husband and I just got away from a toxic workplace run by mormons and it was the same cult-like experience of blatant narc abuse.
These dynamics do really mirror each other, whether the narcissistic system is familial or something else, big or small...
There are no coincidences. You were supposed to hear 🙌
This is so true. I just went no contact with the last living narcissist in my family (my older sister) and even the people who I thought supported me are rejecting me now. Acceptance by the people who support her has become more important to them than standing up for truth. It’s devastating.
And Revelation CHpt 21 tells us what will happen to all those who "love and practice lies"....
Some people hold to a sense of sacrificial selflessness. The ugly truth of it all still takes years to see.
When people learn to lie and to cover lies by supporting the narrative, then i do not believe they will ever figure it out and start living outside the psychosis. Of course, suffering sometimes changes the arithmetic, but not often.
Sacrifices are ALWAYS BAD!
You literally MEANT to BE READY to certain stuff that you need or want to do
Therefor sacrificing would only mean that you are rushed into or forced into something which is ALWAYS END UP doing THE OPPOSITE as anyone would meant it to be
It is just NOT MEAN TO BE!
The answer is No they'll never get it. They'll just feel sorry for themselves.
Or pleased...
Yes, don't be fooled by a sibling going through a hard time who calls you up for your support because you are the only one in the family who understands their plight. It is a farse!
This just happened to me last summer. A sister called me up because her first-born child was born at the tail end of the second trimester and had had enough complications that she and her husband were considering taking the baby off life support. She called me because I had lost my first child unexpectedly at 20 weeks over a decade earlier. We had a couple long, heartfelt discussions and even talked about the stress that our family of origin still has on our bodies during pregnancy. She even acknowledged how awfully i was treated by our mom and another sister. I had some hope that maybe things could start to heal. Boy was i wrong!
What ended up happening was that they decided to take the baby off life support. She was devastated and said she didn't want to talk to anyone else in the family about it; didn't even plan on going to our sibling's wedding in six weeks. I sure as heck wasn't going to our sibling's wedding, myself, so I supported her decision. Fast-forward 3 months and I get a call from my narc mom asking if i had heard that sister's sad news. I said, why would I? Well, come to find out, that sister DID go to our sibling's wedding. She ended up getting pregnant naturally (previous time was IVF) at that time, as well as our newlywed sibling. However, when she went to the doctor to have an ultrasound, there was no heartbeat. Oh, just how sad that was for her. Hmmmm, how interesting. I had just messaged that sister a few weeks prior and she never said a word about it to me. Never have i felt so used or betrayed. I now have a very good idea of what happened at that wedding. I am sure there was some kind of sibling reunion that weekend, whether it was just some or all of our other five siblings, and it just wouldn't surprise me if some of the intimate conversations I had with that sister came out and some of them convinced her to ghost me. This very kind of thing had happened before; how could I be so stupid??
This instance did make it very clear to me that my narc family will NEVER stop finding ways to hurt me. The sick thing is that they think it is normal and healthy. I am just SO THANKFUL that I at least had the wherewithal to follow my gut and be fiercely protective of my children from my parents and siblings. My children did get to interact with my parents enough and some of their cousins to know why we don't visit with them. My children are learning about narcissism, too, and other ways people can take advantage of them in today's world because evil has no boundaries.
What a painful and heartbreaking story. You are wise to educate your children early regarding family scapegoating patterns. I mention this in the first minute of this video here, in fact, if you are interested: ua-cam.com/video/-DBJonlk0Co/v-deo.html
Kudos for teaching your children, the younger generations need to know that there are people out there who have no empathy, etc. I gave my evil mother many chances. One visit, she looked at me and said that my daughter was satan's child. I saw her black eyes, the demon in her speaking out. Never said anything else to her, cut them all off after that (I have 10 living siblings and most are married with kids...) and never will. My dad supports her. I put up with her rejection and abuse for 50 years... but for a "grandma" to curse an innocent child like that... I am simply DONE. Dont need to know more, and I don;t need to listen to demons speaking through these 'people' who have shown that they serve evil even tho they profess to know and love God. Hypocrites are the worst kind, and evil loves to work through people like this. recently they have been trying to HOOVER me again... an email my dad send was all caps: FINERAL ARRANGEMENTS FOR MOM AND DAD. I deleted, blocked, let the dead bury the dead. (It has been 2 months and there is no obituaries. Just more witchcraft manipulation to try to reel me back in...they are wealthy. I'd rather stay poor than be near them one more moment. I wish I had stayed no contact years ago, but society and church and everyone pressures scapegoats...gaslights them because they have not been so abused...oh but its your mom or cousin or grandma or... so what? If they harbor demons, why would I want to be near them? Please don't let it take 50 years for any out there who wonder about no contact... took me that long to realize they dont change and THEY ONLY GET WORSE. Peace is away from evil!! best to you all
Funeral, lol sorry
I could not agree more. Many years ago I went no contact. Several years after that I had no choice but to communicate with my biological mother due to a legal issue. She was extremely nice to me initially. I was young and didn't know anything about narcissism and dysfunctional family systems. So erroneously I believed that she had a change of heart. She didn't. After a brief period of being nice to me she resumed becoming disrespectful and cruel. The funny part was that she all of sudden and out of the blue began to talk about that she and her other half were thinking about "taking me back". I didn't give her any indication that I wanted to come back or was even interested in it. Back then it filled me with dread to even think about going back there.
Thinking about this episode today makes chuckle sometimes. I think it gives you an insight in their mindset. They are incapable of being honest with you. Everything is about manipulating you. They literally don't understand that you are an independent person. At the heart of their dysfunction lies the belief that they are the greatest and the best. They know everything. You couldn't possibly be as great and all knowing as they are. So in order to bestow you with their all knowing wisdom they believe that they have to push their way on you and if you don't want to go along with it well then it's an all out war. So typically I believe based on my own experience the SG is typically the one who threatens this family system.
In short, family members in these systems have a very maladaptive way of looking at this world and consequently at their own children. You're an image in their head. They don't see what they're doing to you as abuse. In their mind you're a defective person and you need correcting. It's all done "for you're own good". They're only "abusing" you to teach you lesson so that you become a better person. They would have to really go through an catastrophic event that would shatter their entire world views before they feel the need to adapt their thinking. And quite frankly they probably resort to alcohol or drugs or some other numbing method before they change their mindset.
After my brief contact I resumed going "no contact". It's very sad and unfortunate but they are not really your family in the sense of having a family. They will never support or love you. It's not because you're not lovable or a "bad person". It's because they are incapable of loving or supporting one. In their own mind they don't want to except that or understand that about themselves therefore you have to be the "bad guy".
And really you're not doing them a favor or helping them by continuing to play the SG for them. You're only enabling them to continue with their maladaptive ways.
Well said. It is critical that one understand that family scapegoating is a SYSTEMIC issue - whether the family is 'dysfunctional' and traumatized (including intergenerational trauma, as discussed in my book 'Rejected, Shamed, and Blamed') and/or dominated by a narcissist. Thank you for sharing your insights and experience with FSA. Glad you saw your way through to the light.
Spouses family totally scapegoat him. We’ve been no contact for more than 10 years. We’ve gotten in touch due to an estate that needs to be distributed. It’s amazing how angry everyone is towards my spouse, able to lie about him, blame him. In the mean time another family member is saying - why can’t we all just get together and talk? Can’t we all get along. Along side the lies and blame. It’s amazing to see it.
It’s sort of like a cult.
It's a mind-bender, for sure. Just one of the many bizarre realities scapegoated children and adult children experience.
Thats a mixture of the Scapegoat, the abusers and the duped idiot.
No. Never. These "people" have a seared conscious, operate on ego alone (no use of higher executive function or critical thinking). So they truly arent human if they dont exhibit any human traits sich as genuine empathy or compassion. The interesting thing is most who have been scapegoated in these family systems are highly sensitive people (empaths) who see dysfunction, call it out and reject it. Rather than learn and grow, the abuser scapegoats the truth teller/chain breaker because the abuse has been normalized. Reminds me of a scripture about having a seared conscious and being given over to a reprobate mind and people loving darkness rather than light. It is a spiritual battle for all those who have been affected by narcissist sbuse. Jesus was the first scapegoat. Binds and agreements with these type of people is a bind of the enemy who seeks to kill and destroy. There is freedom in loosing the binds of the enemy and retaining your soul. And your soul is the composite of your mind, your will and your emotions.
Because I have worked with such people clinically, I would say that they are indeed human, but very damaged humans due to their own deep (unconscious/repressed) trauma(s). Others I have worked with presented with a type of 'soullessness' that would fall clinically into the area of sociopathy / malignant narcissism. As Gertrude Stein once said, "There is no 'there' there.". Regardless, this does not excuse the behaviors or the harms done.
@@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse Yes, I agree but my viewpoint comes from personal experience dealing with covert, malignant narcissists and I now apply spiritual truth to the matter as opposed to just the body and mind. But I thank you for your comment.
Yes you are spot on I have gone no contact. I am truly a scapegoat. Thank-you for your video. Narcissistic people never change full stop.
You are so welcome!
I am a scapegoat survivor of an evil woman who has damaged me and my relationships around me. I can never forgive her and her evil victimhood has caused me extensive suffering with the others following her like spineless sheep most of whom benefit from me being ousted. She is a disgrace to the word mother and her evil lies, manipulation and abuse haunt me to this day as I am no contact for 17 years when she got me out beating me up threatening to call the police and chucking me out of the house and forbidding her husband who is supposed to be the other parent of having anything to do with me. I am still broken hearted traumatized 17 years later. I find your channel a huge comfort and was wondering if I can ask you a couple of questions by email rather than over here ? Many thanks for all that you do. Sam.
Hi Saamir, yes, you can email me, but I can't guarantee I can answer the questions, it will depend what they are (as per my UA-cam disclaimer here).
@Rebecca C. Mandeville LMFT - Scapegoat Recovery thanks so much please can you let me have your email address . Thanks so much
@Rebecca C. Mandeville LMFT - Scapegoat Recovery Good evening , Ms Mandeville, hope you are feeling better. I don't seem to be able to see an email address for you ? Thanks, Sam
You use the 'contact' button from my website at scapegoatrecovery.com via the menu.
@Rebecca C. Mandeville LMFT - Scapegoat Recovery Dear Ms Mandeville, I did try it but it doesn't come up for some reason when clicked :(
Yes, this is exactly right!!! My mother was the narcissist in the family and my brothers followed her like she was a god. They believed and still do today that I am strange and unworthy of respect and kindness. I am over 70 years old and my family courted my husband to elevate him as special while continuing to treat me badly. My husband didn't see how they are for years and thought something was wrong with me because I was pointing out things he chose not to notice. I had to limit our contact with family and thankfully God took us thousands of miles away because of my husband's job, it allowed me to keep them out of my life. After more than 50 years of marriage, my husband sort of believes me but really doesn't understand because he is treated well by them. Now in our elder years I work at keeping our distance from the family as much as possible.
Yes, this can be so very frustrating, when one's life partner / spouse doesn't quite 'get it' (and most people won't ever fully get it unless they've been scapegoated by family themselves). If he is willing to read my book or take a look at a video or two here, that sometimes helps. Linking you to a list of resources I put together for FSA adult survivors; my book is also listed there: www.scapegoatrecovery.com/updated-fsa-recovery-resources-2023/
Yes, He has watched a couple of videos and has understood somewhat but it is head knowledge more than gut-wisdom because he has never experienced ill treatment himself. As the golden child of his own family he has had very few encounters with nasty people who treat hm badly. Because of this he doesn't always recognize it unless it is blatant.
This has happened to me, as well, especially with one of my brothers. This brother has repeatedly texted, called, and chatted with my husband, while giving me the silent treatment. My husband was a bit bewildered by it, but took it at face value, and while my brother wasn't able to turn my husband against me (we have a solid relationship), he did succeed in convincing my husband that he's a decent guy. Both brothers are pros at subtly demeaning me while in the same room with, and being respectful and charming to my husband. My husband has had very little experience with this sort of behavior so, of course he doesn't get it, and it's similar with almost all of my friends. We are often so alone in this madness.
Very good video. Explained in a calm rational manner. My mother is a violent malignant narcissist and my father a codependent alcoholic. My siblings bought into the cult and are fully embedded because my mother buys their affections with gifts (bribes). Took a while to break free, grieve and heal the loss of all my family of origin. 10 years now no contact and feeling good. I can finally be myself.
Glad you're here. Linking you to my updated resource list for FSA survivors: www.scapegoatrecovery.com/updated-fsa-recovery-resources-2023/
I just broke contact after taking care of my narcissistic mother for 7; months and she and my siblings attacked me and smeared me.
I hope you find my work on FSA to be a source of validation and support at this time.
They have recruited everyone including people out side the family to believe that i’m the bad one the troublemaker 😂. The more people they recruit the more people i block and the more peace i’ have . Freeing my head from their beliefs has lead me to develop my self and discover my real me. It might feel lonely sometimes but it’s worth the price. Going no contact with your narcissist family is the best you can do for your self.
Family is just people that you share blood with. You can find people in the world that can play a more important role in your life more than those you share blood with. If your family is putting you down, don’t respect you, don’t care about your feelings, blame you for everything that is wrong, don’t consider your opinions and don’t involve you in family matters please run as far as you can from them.
Thank you for taking the time to share your experience of going no contact with us here. Linking you to my resource list for FSA survivors here for further education and support: familyscapegoathealing.substack.com/p/resources
Same here! As if it wasn't bad enough, they had to recruit ex-girlfriends of mine and friends of mine as well. "Vengeance is mine!"-God
The more they recruit the more I block. A very lonely road, BUT, it has sifted who we can have as a mutually respectful, civil and dignified journey through life with. I choose team healthy. Thank you Rebecca and Dr. Les Carter. I went on NAASCA podcast under Kristin Melissa and told my story and referenced your book, Rebecca. What a life changer your work has been for me and my husband.
I’m the scapegoat mother. After leaving my narcissistic ex, he managed to convince my 2 children his treatment of me was fine. I’ve been abused verbally and emotionally by all three. Every aspect of a cult lead by my ex husband. I’ll always miss my children when they were young. 💔
This came up often in my original FSA research - To the point where I would like to some day do a dedicated research study on this issue.
For the sake of your own sanity, you need to be careful not to wish misfortune on others. I was supposed to be the family failure, but the reality is that I was the eldest child who went through most of life's milestones first. So, I got married, had my first child, got divorced before each of my siblings. It's life outside the dysfunctional family that has a greater impact on people's world view. That's beyond the control of the narcissist. So, when one of my children was misbehaving at school, or expermenting with substances in teenage years, the family would attribute that to my incompetent parenting. When my siblings have their turn at going through this, "the narrative" is that they can't possibly be responsible. When my child graduates from University with a 1st class degree, nothing is said. It's the real world that breaks down narcissistic fantasy. If you have been scapegoated, there's nothing that you need to do except sit back and watch.
I knew that they’d never realize the abject pain I was in. I was living in a chronic state of shock and terror and I was all alone. It wasn’t just the family of origin that picked me as their favorite target. I got it everywhere. I’m trying to do my best to overcome the damage but I must say that I’ll be happy to leave this world.
The process of regrouping and recovering and rebuilding (a life with 'chosen family') can be so very daunting and exhausting. Most FSA adult survivors I work with have felt like this at one time or another - I know I certainly have. It's not just families that scapegoat - it can come from many different directions, kind of like that carnival game 'Whack-a-Mole'.
@@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse The thing is the family I got in with was equally as horrible as my own family. I’m 63 and regretting that I’m with the person that I’m with. He just pulled another of his old ‘stunts ‘. All of my efforts to make a better life always fail so I just resigned myself to sitting in my little room until I die. It’s hopeless.
Christar9527
I am so sorry for your pain. I know it hurts. It's hard to lose hope. May you be surprised by joy soon. Look for it.
@@janegreen5301 I love "may you be surprised by joy soon." Great comment.
I hear you. I've had my moments too, and it is so excruciatingly painful. But it never fails for me that the target of the worst of human b.s. is some sort of gem, an untarnishable, undamageable gem. So, that's you and most of us here. Please take care of yourself in whatever ways you can access/connect with right now! You are needed, loved, and deserving of all good things.
This is absolutely true, everything you say I have experienced as a scapegoat. These narcs attempted to turn my own husband against me by making me look crazy, and it almost worked. Thankfully he sees it now for what it was but it took many years for him to get it. We have been married over 50 years now and those narcs are out of our lives forever. Two of them had to die to break the bond between the leader and themselves. I believe is someone has had a heart change and realizes how much they disrespected you, they would contact you with an attitude of repentance. Narcissists have support systems that keep them thinking the same way they have always thought. Letting go of those people to do what is right is too frightening for a narcissist. I was raised with narcissists, both parents were strongly this way and I was the target. Our parents taught my brothers something was wrong with me and they poked at me all the time every day.
Well said. Thank you for sharing your FSA experiences and the effects of being raised in a narcissistic family system
I’ve been going no contact with my family for almost a year now, I’m still suffering the loss of the relationships I hoped we could have. I know no contact is my only option to live a healthy life but what about their innocent children…I love and miss my niece and nephews but I struggle with breaking no contact it opens the door right back up to their manipulation tactics.
..You are not. That person is bad, not the person you would ever want to be around and you should be happy about leave them!
Please seek help, you are still under manipulation!
It is difficult, but you did the right thing, stay away. don't return, they will never change but get worse with age. hugs.
@@tnt01 True. They have already turned the nieces and nephews against them, depending on their age. By the time they are 10-12 they will be turned against the family Scapegoat.
You may want to watch my video on disenfranchised grief: ua-cam.com/video/8iHfcWKsRis/v-deo.html
I hear you. I probably won’t see a niece and some nephews again but if it means my own children are safe, my sanity and health and physical safety is not compromised- then that’s just the way it is. Maybe one day the grandchildren will see their mother/Aunt is an abusive perversely cruel deceitful lying thieving domestic viol perpetrator like one of her brothers and like her father - but I have no control over that. But I do have control in preventing these psychos from trying to inflict more trauma on myself and most importantly prevent one psycho in particular once again trying to start on my kids.
Great video, I literally have texts that prove everything said here. I do take some responsibility as I was co-dependent to it all until I got educated on what was going on !
Codependent, or possibly experiencing the 'fawn' (complex) trauma response. I discuss this in my book on FSA, 'Rejected, Shamed, and Blamed'. It is a survival strategy, even if not conscious.
I walked into the danger. I visited when my mother got cancer. My reward was she accused me of causing it. I did not have contact with her again. I felt guilty. I was a bad daughter. But I was living my own life and healing.
Hopefully you can begin to release any guilt or shame and the lie that you were a 'bad daughter'. Truth is Life.
Sounds like my mother. My mother and her husband always blame one of my siblings or me, for them wanting to get divorced. It’s never her fault. My mother even blames my siblings and me for her getting married to our dad and having children. Also that is not her fault. 🙈 Don’t let your mother make you think it was your fault! These narcissist mothers are monsters.
I'm so sorry you endured this & pray you're lving a guilt free life now with loving people who support you 💜
I got blamed once for causing my narc mother to have a stroke. I was living 50 miles away in another state.
You are fantastic, and a healer. This video saved my life. Thank you. You are saving lives. Thank you for standing up for us. I love you.
Clarity and awareness indeed allows us to have more choices in regard to self-preservation, self-care, and discerning what will serve us at the HIGHEST level in regard to our overall well-being.
I found myself having to excaoe from a nine yr entanglement with a huge milignant narc and through therapy I came to realize that my parents are narc as well it's soo hurtful
Whoa - ain't that the truth about what happens when a scapegoat uses the word "abuse"! In a split second I was identified in the false narrative as the actual abuser - no need for anyone to be able to identify a single example and so easy to forget every last kind and generous act I ever committed. Just gone. My family feels entitled to their irrationality and if I verbally object to this I'm crazy and abusive for taking too much of their time. My sister lines up family against me with her dishonest false narrative and somehow I get called a narcissist. Recently she even claimed a cousin who is a family therapist diagnosed me saying I'd never have normal relationships without intense therapy. I am very happily married with loving relationships with 5 children and 3 grandchildren.) When the cousin clarified this was in no way true, the family didn't identify the lie as any kind of red flag. Even when they know it is a lie they don't question it! To me this behavior very well illustrates the family "psychosis" of which you speak. I can't emphasize enough how every single thing you say tells me you understand the scapegoat experience (and all that surrounds it) better than anyone I've encountered (especially the insidious, perplexing, horrific projection aspects that can be so hidden yet damaging), how supported I feel at a critical juncture by your scholarship and communications, and how thankful I am to you for your work. I recommend your book to anyone I think might be interested. I am especially looking forward to participating in any kind of community that comes of your current work online. I'll be watching to see how that goes and interested to learn if there are any ways I can support that.
This comment is powerful in its astuteness and I hope many read it. Please do check the Community board here; I am creating a focus group I'd love for you to participate in once I have some online offerings ready.
@@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse Thank you! I will definitely look at the community board and hope to get involved in a focus group when the time comes.
What a great expression you used " my family feels entitled to their irrationality...." it's EXACTLY how I feel whenever I try to point it out or propose another, more open or cooperative way forward. They not only resist but react as my suggestion is literally crazy.... I've lived decades in the false belief I may actually be emotionally unstable, but after learning and watching videos like this it suddenly became so obvious that it is they who are quite ill and deluded. So many red flags I could never acknowledge because I simply defaulted to their determination that I was the over-emotional, damaged one.
From age 4 or 5 I remember thinking, mostly unconsciously, how weird and angry and unjust my family seemed to react to each other... but when years later I became slightly bold enough to begin to bring it up the reaction was sometimes even violent. I subsumed it, and it wreaked havoc on my life. Me considering myself defective and always in the wrong led to so many years of self-abuse and sadness.
This recovery is hard, but I'm so thankful there are others to share with and to provide critical insights. I don't know where I'd be now if I hadn't found all this in the past 1-3 years.
SO grateful to you for describing the family dysfunction as a shared psychosis. I am adding the concept of a ‘repair fantasy’ to my list of fantasies to resist (along with those described by Pete Walker: ‘salvation fantasy’, ‘compensation fantasy’ and ‘revenge fantasty’). Indulging in these fantasies is a form of false hope. Indulging these fantasies may provide some temporary relief, but it will undermine our healing.
It is a 'Folie a Family', indeed!
My immediate family holidays as adult were hell with my mother and younger sister throwing every shameful thing in my face every time. After intense therapy I asked my mother why this was a thing. Her response was "well, the person who can take the most sh*t wins". That was it for me. I said then and there I would no longer be sitting with them to eat at any holiday event ever again. So they would spend the entire meal talking about how awful I was, but I didn't have to listen to it anymore. My mother is deceased since 2004 and after a bitter acrimonious estate fight with lawyers and being sued by her in 2010 to pay her legal fees I no longer speak to my sister and I have no relationship with my adult nephew. And my friends know my sister is a run of the mill sociopath. Thank you for making these videos. I was very lucky to have the benefit of a really amazing therapist for 2 years to help me realize how sick my family was and what that was doing to me. My therapist advised me to stay away from my sister as there was no way to have a healthy relationship with her. I know scapegoats, mostly male, and they suffered terribly and had to get away from their immediate family to become healthy.
Thank goodness you found a therapist who was able and willing to be clear and direct and tell you the truth. Thank you for sharing and for being here.
the next child becomes the scapegoat, family dynamics are set in stone in the narcissistic family
This is not always the case. Although.you'll hear that a lot on social media from people not familiar with family systems or family systems research, so it is understandable why some would think that.
they need to be reported and jailed
No, nothing changes. You will always be 'the bad one' no matter even if the goldenchild runs through town chopping peoples heads off with a machete.
Sad but true, particularly if the family system is controlled entirely by a malignant narcissist.
@@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse Yes, I'm no expert but I'm fairly certain my mother and my sister are malignant. My aunt defo is. My sister's oldest and youngest children are too...
Yep
Exactly
yeah nothings ever gonna be good enough ..