What Every Therapy Client Should Know 04 - Widening Your Window of Tolerance

Hi, everyone. This is Lara Hammock from the Marble Jar Channel and this is the fourth video in a series where I share information that I think EVERY therapy client should know. In this video, I’ll talk about how to push open your window of tolerance (which I think is the whole point of therapy) and feel emotionally safe.
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In the last video, we talked about the window of tolerance and how I think widening the window is the whole point of therapy. So, how do you do this?
I think that the way you widen your window of tolerance is to do small, growth-oriented things that make you uncomfortable, over and over again. For example, if you were afraid of heights, in order to increase your window of tolerance, you would have to start small by climbing up a single step. You might have to climb up that single step multiple times before you don’t feel like jumping out of your skin. And then you would climb up the second step. And just like that, literally one step at a time, you push open your window of tolerance a little wider. The tiny steps you choose should be specific to your overall goals.
Here are some examples of small, uncomfortable, growth-oriented steps:
- People Pleasers - will feel uncomfortable saying “no” to even an inconsequential request
- Fixers - will feel anxious while hearing someone’s problems without offering a solution
- Perfectionists - will find it difficult to make even a small mistake or take a small risk
- Emotionally Avoidant People - will feel uncomfortable talking about their feelings to even someone they know well
- People with Hoarding tendencies - will feel anxiety getting rid of even small things
- Emotionally Volatile People - will be uncomfortable not expressing even a minor emotion that they feel
You get the picture. Pushing the window of tolerance wider requires each one of us to determine where our growth edge is and feel that discomfort while taking these tiny steps. Each step pushes the window of tolerance wider.
Window of Tolerance = Zone of Emotional Safety
The window of tolerance is not easy to open. It’s kind of like a window in an old house that has rusted shut. You need two things to open up that window: WD-40 and some muscle. The WD-40 that helps you open up this window is emotional safety. So what does it mean to feel emotionally safe? Well, it means that first you notice your feelings and then you allow yourself to feel anxious, sad, angry, disappointed, guilty, disgusted, irritable, scared, or stressed out. And you trust that those emotions won't kill you, won't go on forever, and that you can handle them even if they ARE incredibly intense. That your life won't splinter into a thousand pieces and that you will probably come out the other side a stronger and more resilient person. If we feel emotionally safe, then our nervous system can tolerate a wider range of scary and overwhelming things while still being able to think about consequences, function okay, and plan out next steps. We can use the WD-40 of emotional safety to grease the window so that we can use our muscle to push open the window of tolerance. And in this case, your emotional muscle helps you make a single, small, anxiety-producing step (like maybe saying “no” to a committee assignment), feel that inevitable discomfort, guilt, and self doubt, apply TONS of emotional safety and compassion to breathe your way through it, and notice that you survived AND you didn't have to do that committee assignment. Over and over and over again. Rinse, lather, and repeat.
It’s too bad we can’t just buy emotional safety in a can at the hardware store like we can WD-40. That would be a lot easier. Instead, we have to build it and there are two kinds. External and internal.
Join me in my next video when I talk about external emotional safety or trust. And let me know what you think. Comments are always appreciated and thanks for watching.

[@TheMagicCrafter]

Thank you for this 🖤

[@fractalizedspiritz]

thank you so much

[@tabithabasye2440]

I feel this is helpful for people who are hyper aroused… I have Xanax for that 😂. But seriously if the breathing, grounding stuff doesn’t work I do turn to Xanax. However my issue right now is hypo arousal, like my brain’s secretary just said, “I quit” and the rest of me doesn’t know how to dress myself. I am curious and tried all the dancing stuff but have little to no energy to do this. I am Autistic and this is clearly a shutdown but I have never shut down like this before. I have been depressed, over & underwhelmed, this is none of those. I literally look at something I have to do and just don’t do it. No amount of mental pep talking or journaling is working and I am sleeping a lot. Feels like my nervous system has just given up. 40 mg of Adderall for ADHD is barely keeping me awake. Almost feels like long CoVid but it’s not. It was triggered by an external event causing me hyper arousal and now… just blah. Like my window is closed, locked, shuttered & bolted.
This is like the 5th video that basically says the same thing and perhaps it would be helpful if my window wasn’t shut. I mean I have always had a pretty big window. I’m not sure why this is happening other than my nervous system has just quit on me. 14 years ago it went the opposite direction and I work on that… now there’s no information on this. This will be helpful for my wife & daughter to expand & keep their windows open. But I just feel doomed.

[@marblejarchannel]

Hi, there! I don’t want to diagnose based on your comment, but what you’re describing sounds like depression. I would seek help from a licensed therapist, but also, if you are a reader, maybe look for Upward Spiral, which talks about the neurobiology of taking small steps to create upward momentum in correcting a shut down nervous system. Best of luck to you as you navigate this.

[@zaxpage9003]

That sounds great if your feelings aren't justified by actual events and are all in the imagination. I'd prefer to pay attention to legitimate feelings and keep myself out of danger.

[@marblejarchannel]

Definitely if you are currently in danger, you have to focus on keeping yourself safe! This is work to be done once you are in a less threatening situation.